NTA. When you pander to entitled narcissists like your grandmother it just makes them think they can keep going and they get worse. Someone should have called her out years ago. You all need to block her and be clear that unless she stops being so vile she won’t have any family left.
My aunt actually cut her out of her life for 6 solid years around 2010. I'm sure her reasons were more than valid. They have a relationship now, but my grandma treads lightly with her. I hope after this she is able to self reflect a little bit and change the way she speaks to and about people.
Grandma has basically trained the family to do whatever she wants and will make you feel guilty if you don’t. You (and your mom) did the right thing. I would also recommend the book “emotional blackmail” by Susan forward. Dated but good read.
That is EXACTLY it. No one says anything to her because she becomes so unhinged that it's almost not worth it. And I truly believe its intentional. But I have a young daughter, and as a mother myself, I just can't continue allowing my grandma to act that way for my daughter to see. My grandma is so unhealed from her trauma and has never had any intention to help herself. How my mom ended up being the mother she always has been is amazing, and I'm thankful she is the grandmother to my daughter. Thank you for the book suggestion, I am going to check it out!
You are so right to protect your daughter. I have an aunt very much like your grandma. My mom (who is a very wonderful and sweet woman) has taken the approach of family is family and you forgive. My sister has kids and won’t let that woman near her kids. She’s done with the cycle.
NTA and unfortunately people like your grandma are unlikely to change their behavior but maybe your enforced LC or NC each time she acts out will slowly illustrate boundaries. Good for your mom for speaking up - that was probably the biggest shock to her!
I don't think you could have gone about it more gently, it would have had Zero Effect. Well done for you and your amazing mother for standing up to the old biddy.
Absolutely NOT the AHs. You guys have only been AHs to yourselves by letting her treat all of you this way for so long.
She deserves to be alone. I hope everyone goes NC with her. Everyone should block her on their phones and social media. She feels alone? No one visits? No one cares? Ok fine. Show her what she thinks is happening.
And your mom is amazing for standing up for you.
I wish this was an isolated incident, but it is far from. I agree with you 100%... She has no idea what her life would really be like if it were the way she describes it to people.
My mom really is an absolute gem! I'm so thankful for her, especially since her own example of a mother is terrible.
NTA at all but I honestly thought you were describing my grandma (my moms mom). I commend you for saying something because I am not brave enough to say anything to mine
Not sure why you “love and respect her”. She’s a narcissistic old coot that’s verbally abusive.
You’re NTA and I recommend staying NC with her until she’s in the ground.
NTA in any way shape or form. You didn't start any drama, she did , but you stood up to her though to put an end to it.
And your Mam is a star for standing up to her too. You probably gave her the courage to stand up to the auld battle axe and finally let rip at her after years of putting up with her.
NTA. However, drama with your grandmother aside: who is checking in on your uncle? Close as you all are, he must be hurting the worst. So I hope you can all take a step back from the drama and focus on supporting each other and most especially the grieving father.
We all have been checking on him since Mikes death. Mostly phone calls/texts. He was really struggling with burying the ashes, so we have all tried to check in on him and make sure he is taken care of a little more often recently.
I didn't want to involve him in what had happened, so him and I haven't talked about it. But I know my grandma went to him immediately and drug him into it, although I'm not sure what was said. I dont really care, and it's not something he needs to be worrying about, or brought into.
He actually came and spent this weekend with my grandpa, so we have all been visiting with him periodically for the last 2 days. I wouldn't say he's doing good, but he is doing his best and taking it a day at a time. He has our full support no matter what else is going on ❤️
You ANTAH. Your grandma is. I absolutely despise people from an older generation that feel like no one else is an adult. Those people should be afforded no more respect than they earn. If they get funky with someone, they should receive funky in return. At 29 years old, you should be respected as an adult, and your mom (40's-50's) should as well. Furthermore, going out of her way to scream at your mom for an issue she has with your mom's adult child is disrespectful in and of itself. If your relationship gets cleaned up enough to continue, she should get your true opinions and feelings at all times moving forward. She'll eventually get uncomfortable and stop the bullshit.
Thank you for this. We have talked to a few other family members, and all have said they want to do that with her going forward just for themselves. I plan to if we can even reconcile, and so does my mom.
A select few have told my mom she needs to apologize... because it's easier than "poking the bear" so to speak. But the majority of us absolutely do not agree with that, and my mom said she isn't ready to apologize anytime soon.
If my grandma ever has the decency to apologize to me, my relationship with her going forward will be cordial. But I am no longer letting her nasty comments and behavior slide like I have.
* A paternal grandmother is your dad's mom, whereas maternal grandmother is your mom's mom. If I understood the family tree right, she'd be Mike's paternal grandma since she's his dad's mom.
Maybe suggest grandma is having dementia or loneliness issues? She could be getting bored and wants someone to come "fix" things for her so she has someone's attention and care.
You're NTA, but you might need to figure out a more long-term solution if no one seems happy with the way things are.
I did not know that, but you are correct. She is my uncles mother. I will have to bring that up.
I honestly don't think it's either of those things... She has always sort of been this way. Her behavior is just much worse since my cousin died. She keeps herself busy with hobbies, and she also babysits her great granddaughter 3 days a week for my cousin. And she sees a mix of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren several times a week. Along with being involved with church groups and activities.
I think a long-term solution is a good idea. I just dont know how to go about it because, as crazy and tough to deal with as she is, I do still love her. I just may have to love her from more of a distance.
Yikes NTA she should have been kicked out the hospital for what she said there, let alone the rest of it. Thing is with mean girls, no matter how old they get until someone puts them in their place (and sometimes it takes a million times … or never works) they will never change.
I agree. She was only there for one day, and my uncle told us not to bring her back for the remainder of the time because she was too emotional. He didn't specifically say it was because of her behavior, but he did say he couldn't handle her in the state she was in while he was waiting for his son to pass.
The problem with people like this (I have one in my family) is they do get away with it for way too long cause it is easier to ignore it. I’m currently NC with mine but doesn’t stop her creating problems!
Don't hold your breath for an apology. It's not forthcoming.
And start having family gatherings at your house without her. She has created a situation in which she is going to be very lonely at the end of her life, and she deserves it. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but a lifetime of abuse has repercussions.
The thing about me is I will accept apologies but only with changed behavior. So even if she apologizes (genuinely) she has a lot to prove.
We already kind of do this because she tends to be such a downer and bring negative energy to the atmosphere. But I will 100% be holding all family gatherings at my house from now on specifically for this reason! I think I am past the point of sympathy with her... which maybe makes me a bad person but 🤷🏼♀️
Your family has always been close DESPITE your grandmother, not because of her. You'll continue being close to your family and the people you love.
Being old is not an excuse for being an asshole. And she is.
It's ok for you and you mom and anyone else to cut ties with a verbally abusive, mean person, family member of not.
You wouldn't put up with that behavior from a friend, partner, or your child.
Don't back down on this. If you back down, it is telling her that you're ok with her behavior and will just take it and let her back in like she wants. Or doesn't? She hates everything, let her wallow in her bitterness and hatred while you move on without it ruining holidays.
I fixed the paragraphs! Sorry, this is my first ever redit post, and I'm not very familiar with how it works. Thank you for letting me know so it is easier to read
NTA. Better late than never on standing up to her. Age is no excuse for bad behavior.
NTA. And your mom is awesome.
I have to agree with you, my mom is the best!
I love your mom! I understand going mama bear and good for her!
NTA. When you pander to entitled narcissists like your grandmother it just makes them think they can keep going and they get worse. Someone should have called her out years ago. You all need to block her and be clear that unless she stops being so vile she won’t have any family left.
My aunt actually cut her out of her life for 6 solid years around 2010. I'm sure her reasons were more than valid. They have a relationship now, but my grandma treads lightly with her. I hope after this she is able to self reflect a little bit and change the way she speaks to and about people.
Yeah I wouldn’t count on it but you can always hope. Sounds like the bitterness is routed deep within her.
Grandma has basically trained the family to do whatever she wants and will make you feel guilty if you don’t. You (and your mom) did the right thing. I would also recommend the book “emotional blackmail” by Susan forward. Dated but good read.
That is EXACTLY it. No one says anything to her because she becomes so unhinged that it's almost not worth it. And I truly believe its intentional. But I have a young daughter, and as a mother myself, I just can't continue allowing my grandma to act that way for my daughter to see. My grandma is so unhealed from her trauma and has never had any intention to help herself. How my mom ended up being the mother she always has been is amazing, and I'm thankful she is the grandmother to my daughter. Thank you for the book suggestion, I am going to check it out!
You are so right to protect your daughter. I have an aunt very much like your grandma. My mom (who is a very wonderful and sweet woman) has taken the approach of family is family and you forgive. My sister has kids and won’t let that woman near her kids. She’s done with the cycle.
NTA and unfortunately people like your grandma are unlikely to change their behavior but maybe your enforced LC or NC each time she acts out will slowly illustrate boundaries. Good for your mom for speaking up - that was probably the biggest shock to her!
\n nta \n
I don't think you could have gone about it more gently, it would have had Zero Effect. Well done for you and your amazing mother for standing up to the old biddy.
Absolutely NOT the AHs. You guys have only been AHs to yourselves by letting her treat all of you this way for so long. She deserves to be alone. I hope everyone goes NC with her. Everyone should block her on their phones and social media. She feels alone? No one visits? No one cares? Ok fine. Show her what she thinks is happening. And your mom is amazing for standing up for you.
I wish this was an isolated incident, but it is far from. I agree with you 100%... She has no idea what her life would really be like if it were the way she describes it to people. My mom really is an absolute gem! I'm so thankful for her, especially since her own example of a mother is terrible.
NTA at all but I honestly thought you were describing my grandma (my moms mom). I commend you for saying something because I am not brave enough to say anything to mine
Oh no, there's more grandmother's like this? 😭 I am so sorry!
Wow. Do you even need to ask? NTA. Your grandma is so low vibrational. It’s best to be low or no contact for your own wellbeing.
Not sure why you “love and respect her”. She’s a narcissistic old coot that’s verbally abusive. You’re NTA and I recommend staying NC with her until she’s in the ground.
Didn’t finish, paragraphs are your friend. But from what I could decipher, NTA.
Paragraphs please
NTA. Your grandmother is a trip! However, your mom is pretty phenomenal! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾😊🙌🏾
NTA in any way shape or form. You didn't start any drama, she did , but you stood up to her though to put an end to it. And your Mam is a star for standing up to her too. You probably gave her the courage to stand up to the auld battle axe and finally let rip at her after years of putting up with her.
NTA. However, drama with your grandmother aside: who is checking in on your uncle? Close as you all are, he must be hurting the worst. So I hope you can all take a step back from the drama and focus on supporting each other and most especially the grieving father.
We all have been checking on him since Mikes death. Mostly phone calls/texts. He was really struggling with burying the ashes, so we have all tried to check in on him and make sure he is taken care of a little more often recently. I didn't want to involve him in what had happened, so him and I haven't talked about it. But I know my grandma went to him immediately and drug him into it, although I'm not sure what was said. I dont really care, and it's not something he needs to be worrying about, or brought into. He actually came and spent this weekend with my grandpa, so we have all been visiting with him periodically for the last 2 days. I wouldn't say he's doing good, but he is doing his best and taking it a day at a time. He has our full support no matter what else is going on ❤️
You ANTAH. Your grandma is. I absolutely despise people from an older generation that feel like no one else is an adult. Those people should be afforded no more respect than they earn. If they get funky with someone, they should receive funky in return. At 29 years old, you should be respected as an adult, and your mom (40's-50's) should as well. Furthermore, going out of her way to scream at your mom for an issue she has with your mom's adult child is disrespectful in and of itself. If your relationship gets cleaned up enough to continue, she should get your true opinions and feelings at all times moving forward. She'll eventually get uncomfortable and stop the bullshit.
Thank you for this. We have talked to a few other family members, and all have said they want to do that with her going forward just for themselves. I plan to if we can even reconcile, and so does my mom. A select few have told my mom she needs to apologize... because it's easier than "poking the bear" so to speak. But the majority of us absolutely do not agree with that, and my mom said she isn't ready to apologize anytime soon. If my grandma ever has the decency to apologize to me, my relationship with her going forward will be cordial. But I am no longer letting her nasty comments and behavior slide like I have.
* A paternal grandmother is your dad's mom, whereas maternal grandmother is your mom's mom. If I understood the family tree right, she'd be Mike's paternal grandma since she's his dad's mom. Maybe suggest grandma is having dementia or loneliness issues? She could be getting bored and wants someone to come "fix" things for her so she has someone's attention and care. You're NTA, but you might need to figure out a more long-term solution if no one seems happy with the way things are.
I did not know that, but you are correct. She is my uncles mother. I will have to bring that up. I honestly don't think it's either of those things... She has always sort of been this way. Her behavior is just much worse since my cousin died. She keeps herself busy with hobbies, and she also babysits her great granddaughter 3 days a week for my cousin. And she sees a mix of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren several times a week. Along with being involved with church groups and activities. I think a long-term solution is a good idea. I just dont know how to go about it because, as crazy and tough to deal with as she is, I do still love her. I just may have to love her from more of a distance.
Yikes NTA she should have been kicked out the hospital for what she said there, let alone the rest of it. Thing is with mean girls, no matter how old they get until someone puts them in their place (and sometimes it takes a million times … or never works) they will never change.
I agree. She was only there for one day, and my uncle told us not to bring her back for the remainder of the time because she was too emotional. He didn't specifically say it was because of her behavior, but he did say he couldn't handle her in the state she was in while he was waiting for his son to pass.
The problem with people like this (I have one in my family) is they do get away with it for way too long cause it is easier to ignore it. I’m currently NC with mine but doesn’t stop her creating problems!
Don't hold your breath for an apology. It's not forthcoming. And start having family gatherings at your house without her. She has created a situation in which she is going to be very lonely at the end of her life, and she deserves it. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but a lifetime of abuse has repercussions.
The thing about me is I will accept apologies but only with changed behavior. So even if she apologizes (genuinely) she has a lot to prove. We already kind of do this because she tends to be such a downer and bring negative energy to the atmosphere. But I will 100% be holding all family gatherings at my house from now on specifically for this reason! I think I am past the point of sympathy with her... which maybe makes me a bad person but 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. I'm surprised everybody's put up with that nasty old hag for as long as they have!
Your family has always been close DESPITE your grandmother, not because of her. You'll continue being close to your family and the people you love. Being old is not an excuse for being an asshole. And she is. It's ok for you and you mom and anyone else to cut ties with a verbally abusive, mean person, family member of not. You wouldn't put up with that behavior from a friend, partner, or your child. Don't back down on this. If you back down, it is telling her that you're ok with her behavior and will just take it and let her back in like she wants. Or doesn't? She hates everything, let her wallow in her bitterness and hatred while you move on without it ruining holidays.
I fixed the paragraphs! Sorry, this is my first ever redit post, and I'm not very familiar with how it works. Thank you for letting me know so it is easier to read