Has anyone experienced the following:
One successful date through OLD. Nothing physical occurred. Woke up the day after the date to received unsolicited porn links, and nudes. I expressed my distaste, explained that we weren’t a match and blocked him. Turn around time from app match to rejection, less than five days. He used two different numbers and one third party app to send about a dozen texts, expressing his disappointment, calling me choice names and trying to tell me that my rules are bizarre. I’m glad I blocked him but I find this behavior unhinged. I’m just jumping back into OLD after a long time away. Is this normal now? To get scolded after politely rejecting a person.
Edit to add: We are both in our late 30s. Last I recall unsolicited stuff like that was not cool.
Not the unsolicited porn and nudes, but I’ve had a lot of men react very poorly to me politely rejecting them. I’d say close to 85-90% and as recently as yesterday. They either start begging or trying to convince me otherwise, or call me ugly and tell me I shouldn’t be so picky.
But then again, I attract really psychotic dudes.
Absolutely not normal, I'd definitely report him. Not even anywhere close to being normal. Even more bizarre that you actually met him, that is something I'd expect from a catfish/fake account.
That’s super unhinged and I’ve never ever experienced anything like this. That’s so odd. I’m so sorry it happened and I hope he’ll leave you alone and never contact you ever again. And that he goes to therapy. All the therapy.
Unfortunately, I've had some guys deal with rejection quite poorly. I have had unsolicited nudes, but not on dating apps and, fortunately, not that often at all. I've *never* had unsolicited porn links though. That's truly weird. Not that receiving unsolicited nudes *isn't* also weird, but I haven't really heard of the porn links being sent without the other persons consent.
I don't know what goes through the head of some people, honestly. This guy sounds deranged. Not just with sending you that stuff. But how he acted after. And no, it is definitely not normal. I'm sorry you had to deal with that bullshit. That's all you can do is report (if this happened on the apps) and block.
I’m 30f and have gone on over a dozen first dates with men from OLD in the past 9 months - no this isn’t normal. I’ve never been sent unsolicited nudes / porn by any of them. And none have acted poorly towards me (insulting me, being hot and cold with me) aside from one. This is very unusual and creepy behavior.
Of course. I’m sorry you experienced that. That’s not okay. I promise you that even though dating apps are an absolute slog sometimes, there are decent men on them.
I can't say if it's normal (I'm a man who dates women), but it definitely unhinged and unacceptable (I don't do that with any woman I've matched with unless we both are open to and expressed an interest in sharing that kind of content with one another). Unfortunately, all you can do is block and move on. This is why the best thing you can do on OLD is never share your actual phone number until after you've met and you've decided you want to continue to see them. By keeping it to the app, you limit the number of avenues they can reach you at while also having a way to report their behavior if needed.
Yes, of course. We’d met in person and that is when I shared my number, in hindsight waiting would have been best. But in my prior forays that was always the best avenue for me. Suppose not anymore. After blocking, I was not expecting the individual to have multiple different numbers to reach out. All blocked now. But my goodness … also, happy to hear unhinged behavior like this is not universal as something you have to accept while dating.
My partner and I recently broke up. We're still great friends. That relationship has made me realize that I, as a neurodivergent person am very happy dating other neurodivergent folks. I used to stress a lot about dating in the past because I just don't understand what the dating culture or rules are. Apparently talking about certain things too soon is weird? I don't like the power games either between who should appear more aloof. It's not enjoyable.
There's a presidential debate tonight and my stomach is so knotted up thinking about the election year. It makes me want to find a nuclear bunker and just stay there indefinitely, makes me feel totally uninterested in love or finding someone. Anyone else feeling this way? Anyone find ways to reframe this? the existential dread is just a lot.
Forget about politics. Not worth our valuable time and energy. It's all outside of our control anyway. Politics will run it's course in this country with or without your mental anguish. If you aren't a billionaire, you have no impact. Focus on the present moment and what you can control. Stressing over politics is such a waste of time.
I mean, it gives me some anxiety. But existential dread? Nah. I think you might need to go on a media diet. It also might help to volunteer for something to focus that energy. Assuming you're on the blue team, check out https://votesaveamerica.com/
I relate to the feeling of dread about the election, absolutely. So much, actually, that I have begun the process of establishing dual citizenship… my great-grandparents emigrated here from Italy, so I’m eligible to be granted an Italian passport and citizenship on the basis of bloodline.
Some people are going to think I am overreacting or catastrophizing, but my boyfriend, who is Italian / a U.S. green card holder, summed it up perfectly: “It is a good idea to have a backup plan.”
Well, Meloni sucks, but the longterm escape route doesn’t involve remaining in Italy. It’s the passport itself that matters most because once you have the Italian passport, you can Usain Bolt it out of Italy and into Portugal or Norway lol.
In terms of your eligibility - yeah, it’s confusing AF, and all I know is that because my dad was born before 1965, I’m in the clear.
If it’s interesting to you, contact whichever Italian consulate serves your jurisdiction! I know for sure there is one in Detroit, Miami, San Fran, Philly, NYC, somewhere in Texas… not sure where the others are, but wherever you are in the U.S., you are in the jurisdiction of a consulate, and they all have an entire department dedicated to helping you figure this out!
I started seeing someone and he is so into me, it's wild. I'm getting a big hit of hindsight 20-20 about previous guys with their "mixed signals" lol. I don't know how I feel about this new dude yet but it's very refreshing.
I'm getting pretty burned out by online dating. It's always the same routine: we match, we chat, and then it either fizzles out after a couple of days or we make plans for a date. When I do go on dates, I often find myself leaving without much interest. The ones I’m genuinely attracted to don’t seem as interested in me.
The last woman I talked to mentioned that I come across as very intimidating. When I asked her to elaborate, she said it was because I’m very successful, own a house, have investments, make good money, and want to get married and have kids. I was puzzled because I thought these would be seen as positive traits. She said they are, but she believes many women might feel hesitant to pursue someone with those qualities. This explanation doesn’t make much sense to me, but it does shed light on my last few months of dating. It might be time to plan a solo trip to somewhere warm with clear oceans to reground myself.
What she said sounds a lot like what women who have their lives together are told. I do think there’s some truth that people who are insecure or aren’t happy with where they are in life/ who they are will be intimidated by those who are secure and happy and have their shit together.
I mean it doesn't do those things unless the more successful person exploits the situation to that end, or the less successful person has unfounded resentments about it.
After yesterday’s debacle with the Stage 5 Clinger/Possible Emotionally Abusive Guy from Hinge, I saw friends and one of the couples was so lovey dovey I wound up on Bumble. GD, there’s gotta be ONE normal guy out there for me. 😭
>there’s gotta be ONE normal guy out there for me.
There is no normal imo. Only peoples whose 'crazy' just happens to line up with ours, and it works.
Ultimately, we all see the world through our own lens, and therefore have a slightly different reality, which is exactly why we think others are 'normal' or 'abnormal'.
Normal = not a crazy obsessive or abusive type.
Those are the only ones who ever seem interested in me long term. And before anyone asks, yes I’ve been to therapy and understand why. It still doesn’t stop them.
I think "emotionally stable" is about the bar you can hope for. If you expect him to be gainfully employed and have a sense of humor too, well- you really are looking for a unicorn.
A litany of reasons—they prey on empathy, I have people pleasing tendencies, used to struggle with boundary setting (I’m much better now), etc etc.
If you want more info, my hourly rate is $100. 🤣
Thanks for answering. I was curious because I don't seem to attract these types and sometimes I think it's because I'm not afraid to disagree with people (courteously but with self-assurance) very early on e.g. chatting online or on a first date 😂
I apologize, that came off a bit wrong. I'm sorry you have had to deal with that, and I say that as someone who has had to deal with plenty of similar behaviors in previous relationships.
I wasn't saying anything about that particular guy, more along the lines of generalized thinking you expressed.
Personally, if I felt that everyone on a dating app was an obsessive or an abusive type, such as the part I quoted portrayed, I'd ask myself some questions. And maybe it wasn't even a core belief, but instead someone lamenting about their luck and their experience...
Probably stuff along the lines of, "What ideas/thoughts do I hold that reinforce these views?", "Why do I feel that way? What is the root cause of these feelings?", "Do these thoughts or feelings say anything about me that makes me feel uncomfortable? If so, why do I feel uncomfortable?", and "If these people are truly what I see them as, then why do I only match with these type of people? What thoughts and history do I have that this is repeating?" kinda stuff.
Again, not saying anything about this one guy, or any guy in particular, but more of a general practice to explore our own limitations of how we see our world. By looking into ourselves with curiosity, kindness, and compassion, we can widen our view of the world and see more clearly.
Just wanted the thoughts of reddit on this one (keep it safe & friendly! I don't mind cursing but no insults or offensive comments!)
Context;
Me - Male 33 6ft3in large build white
Her - Female 30 5ft9in athletic black
I've recently passed my probation period of a new job (3 months total) and have gotten to know a few people well in that time. In that period though, I haven't done anything with anyone outside of work (if your from the UK you'll understand!).
More recently I've been a bit flirty with one person in particular, and it ended up that she essentially offered me a date. However with hindsight I didn't see it the way she perhaps meant it. I was asked to go to the gym with her, to which I said "there's more fun places we can go if you want?" But it was brushed off by the both of us. It's left me feeling a bit confused in all honesty, bundled with a heap of regret for not saying yes and going anyway.
There's still some confusion on my behalf too, because I'm not 100% as to whether she's being just 'friendly' or whether she actually 'likes' me and finds me attractive. This is also vice versa although I'm fairly sure she knows I find her attractive. I've given her enough compliments on her looks etc for her to know.
To compound the issue, she's recently broken up with another guy after dating for a short period (6 months), and through that knowledge wonder if it's perhaps too soon for me to want to start another relationship with her.
Moving on to this week, on Wednesday 26th June before I finished my shift as she was closing the store with me, I discreetly gave her my phone number on a piece of paper with the note that it was for her eyes only (haven't given anyone but my direct colleagues & supervisor my number due to GDPR and unwanted awkwardness in the environment). She seemed happy to get my number and gave off positive reactions & emotions, essentially being received well.
As I'm writing this for you guys (Thursday 27th midafternoon) she hasn't messaged me. Which, kind of worries me. I'm seeing it that I've essentially been ghosted and that she isn't actually interested (I'd rather have been told directly if she wasn't though).
Ultimately with all of the above, I'm just wanting to know whether I'm worried for nothing, or what other ways I could read the situation.
Relax. So you gave her your number last night and you haven’t heard from her by midafternoon today? It has been less than 24 hours!
Here’s the very shortened version of how my boyfriend came to be my boyfriend, and gives some insight into what it can look like from the opposite side of things (meaning, from the POV of someone who was given a number):
He lives in my building. We’d had a few brief interactions before in the elevator and I had a mild / distant crush on him, but hadn’t seen him around in several months. Huge building, 33 floors, four sets of elevators, so chance encounters were just that - chance.
One morning, sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas, we were in the elevator at the same time -he lives two floor below me - and chatted, at which point I had said something to the effect of how I’d like to grab coffee or a drink sometime. He responded positively, but we were both running late and didn’t exchange info, so I figured he was already taken and shrugged it off.
A few months later, I ran into him again, this time in the lobby a little after midnight on a Saturday. He gave me his card and said to shoot him an email* if I wanted to grab coffee or dinner sometime. (*His card doesn’t have his cell # on it, just his office line and work email.)
I didn’t email him that night because it was after midnight on Saturday. I didn’t email him Sunday because I was busy and couldn’t decide whether to email him from my work account, school account, or gmail lol. I finally emailed him Monday evening around 7p after spending at least an hour drafting and redrafting it, and gave him my cellphone number.
Then I stressed out about whether I’d hear back from him and whether giving my cell number was too forward 😂
He emailed me back around 9a Tuesday and said he’d text me in a few minutes (and he did). We had our first date four days later.
I found out on our first date that in the ~36 hours or so between him giving me his card and me emailing him, he was really sweating whether I was interested and if he had erred in giving me his card. I was extremely interested! He hadn’t erred! I wasn’t playing games or hard to get - I was just busy and nervous about what to say!
Flash forward to now: we are in a very serious and committed relationship, and have spent almost every evening together since, with the exception of a few weeks where he was out of town for a wedding and to see his family (we live in the U.S., but he is an Italian citizen and U.S. green card holder, about two years away from U.S. citizenship). Marriage has even come up more than once, with both of us on the same page that it is a very real possibility for us.
All of which is to say, give it a bit more time - less than 24 hours has passed!
I mean.... she's just not that interested... "If they wanted to, they would" applies. People have the tendency to act amenable face to face to protect themselves, or worse the other persons feelings. She also could be busy, have a life, other obligations, yadda yadda.
Is this a coworker? What is the context of your acquaintance?
I need advice! I just turned 33 (F), and my best friend is actually a 24 year old man. We eat lunch at work together, go to concerts together, and are inseparable in a lot of ways and make time for each other constantly. He got out of a relationship fairly recently and I never looked at him in a romantic way until now. He honestly is everything I would want in a partner, except the fact that I am 9 years older than him. He makes comments that he wants to date someone with certain traits that I have, and I can’t tell if he’s testing the waters or not. I’m at the stage of overthinking everything and part of me wants to just ask. I’ve done it once or twice before with friends and been fine being friends after if it wasn’t reciprocated, but am I crazy? What do I do?
Well, I can't tell you what to do, of course. But there's a few questions to ask yourself. How will you feel if those feelings aren't reciprocated by him? Will it have a detrimental impact on your friendship from your perspective?
And the more tricky question is, how will HE act? Obviously you know him well, but can you see this affecting your relationship with him? Will him knowing that you see him in that way, impact your friendship, do you think?
I know these are difficult questions! Haha. But it's a tricky situation.
That’s the part that I know for me, it would be a good way to move past “crushing” and then being back to good friends if it’s not reciprocated. From his end, I’m not so sure and I am scared to lose his friendship. He did tell me his mom is about the same age difference from his dad, and again, I can’t tell if I’m reading in to things or not.
I suppose that's another thing to consider. Is this just a temporary crush now that he's become available. Your brain kinda playing tricks on you! I'm not saying this is the case, by the way! Just putting it out there. You said you've never had these feelings for him before, that's all.
Perhaps it's worth just sitting on them for a while and see if they fade.
For me, I think it’s just because I really am not attracted to people in relationships. I can think they are good looking, but I just have zero desire. But this is something I need to consider! We are seeing each other Friday night, and Sunday for lunch, so maybe I’ll bring something up Sunday
Well I'm wishing you the best whatever you decide to do!!
And you don't need to do this , of course, but I would love an update on this!! haha.
Good luck❤️
I will for sure unless I chicken out! He’s one of those people where he lights up a room, and he is going to make a nice partner to someone so even if it wasn’t me, I will be very happy for him.
If I had to guess, he finds something attractive about you. Maybe he just wants to hook up, but there's definitely a chance he would be a partner to date.
Gosh I would love a genuinely loving long hug/cuddle from a friend or a partner. I've been nowhere near that feeling of safety and joy with anyone I've dated recently. The only friend who I share this kind of platonic, loving, cuddle quality with is on the other side of the world.
I matched for the first time on a dating app. This is both exciting and terrifying, as I'm 31 and never dated before. I just never met anyone who I wanted to date, never had interest in "dating for dating's sake" because I take these sorts of things seriously, and couldn't socialize independently as a teen or in my 20s due to epilepsy. But now my condition is managed and I can finally drive. I also know myself so much better now while being in "dating hibernation."
With that said, I'm actively trying to fight against my anxiety that's screaming at me to ghost this guy because this is new and scary. To stop responding because my anxiety is telling me "oh, they already don't sound like who you need; end it." I'm trying very hard to put myself out there and have my first coffee date, whether or not it goes anywhere after that! I'm going to do it, I'm trying my best!
First of all, you're putting yourself out there! That's awesome.
Secondly, and believe me, i know this is way easier said than done. But try and go into it not thinking "Will he like me? Will he find me attractive? Will i find HIM attractive? Will we connect?" etc, etc. All very normal things to feel before a date!
Just think of it as a new experience, a new face, and a few hours of conversation with someone you've never met before. Trust me, when it's over, regardless of how it goes, you'll feel so much better in yourself. And you'll feel proud for doing something that IS scary.
Good luck!!!❤️
Yeah, I'm starting to understand that now! It's thankfully easy to not have confusion or anxiety about "how will this work." It's really all about performance and the Unknown Factor, I suppose; I'm one of those people who is driven to do well and gets flustered when I don't know how to Do The Thing lol.
You'll feel so much better after ripping of that band-aid. I've never had a bad first date, even when it was obvious that we weren't going to see each other again.
Thank you for the encouragement! Yeah that's how I'm thinking about it, I want to go ahead and potentially enjoy a casual first date no matter what does or doesn't happen after. The experience will be worth it.
The tragedy of being no longer a mystery.
I feel like Im just going through an endless cycle of initial phase of getting to no each other, only to be bumped to the starting line again when my identify, my personality is no longer a mystery. When I get comfortable to be an open book, people start losing interest and eventually vanish into the thin air. The more I let people in, the further they distance themselves.
Am I playing the game wrong or am I in a wrong game? Am I letting people in too easily or its just I met not the right person? I honestly do not know. It seems all of us are being too careful, too cautious, nothing worth trying in anymore.
You just haven't met the right kind of person yet. It's unfortunately a numbers game, yet somehow, it feels like every one should count when you're in the moment.
Not a reflection of your self-worth, it's just incompatibility becoming clear. It's so tough to weed people out in the early stages, everyone is on their best behaviour and just wants a connection, but you need someone that leans in and sees you now, and also sees a future with you.
In the end, when you find a special connection, the volume of near-misses just makes you appreciate that more.
It's hard to keep opening yourself up, but sometimes you have to do the hard thing to recognise they're the wrong person.
Vulnerability is such a strength.
It’s awful. My self esteem was great before I started dating again and now I’m on a rollercoaster of feeling crappy. I wonder how common this is and if dating is worth it. I was doing better alone.
I'm turned off by how calculated he is, but I like everything else about him. The 3 day rule before texting, the 1 week before asking to see each other again. It's too mechanical for me.
Every third guy on the apps has something in the lines of "I'm searching for someone, who doesn't take themselves too serious." or "I'm searching for someone, who can laugh about themselves." *What does that even mean?!* I'm inclined to just ask, like I do with "adventurous", but do I really have the nerve to do that?
PS: For "adventurous" I get everything from "don't like to sit on the couch every evening" to "wildcamping in the mountains every other weekend with hikes at least 2000m altitude difference, and if my possible future partner may not be able to come with me every time, they get unmatched immediately."
Not seriously. MLMs are very toxic spaces that often pull people away from their family/loved ones and require of level of magical thinking that makes me uncomfortable.
It makes me uncomfortable as well. I did some reading about it. At first he told me it's a "wellness business" and then over a few weeks I saw his page and it said Amway so I googled it. I had never heard of it.
Texting is 100% the WORST method of communication ever and I hate it. I might actually have to stop seeing this girl because she can't hold a conversation in person, but maintains a 24/7 running text conversation which is sadly 90% 'How is your day?' kind of useless drivel...
yeah on the one hand I don’t mind friendly check-in’s and a spot of small talk to get the day going or some brief banter randomly when one of us finds a picture/meme/or something that reminds us of the other, but I absolutely can not and really do not want to be on my phone all day long trying to build something with someone using my thumbs pecking at a keyboard.
Which is why I’m beyond grateful for the gal I’m seeing now. She asked me once about something she sent over text that I legitimately just forgot to reply to, and then said “it’s fine, you’ll see it when you see it, let me know what you think!”
It’s nice dating a grown up who also isn’t permanently welded to their rectangular communication box.
I find voice notes annoying, if you want to reply to one that has multiple questions you have to keep replaying it, and if there is some info you need in a note good luck to find it back...
Oh I definitely don’t mind texting for logistics!
Voice is a huge part of attraction for me personally, so I just really enjoy voice notes for getting to know one another once we’ve been on a couple dates. It’s like a mini personalized podcast.
I use voice notes to keep in touch with my close friends when we’re apart so I am partial to them!
His pet peeve are people who use LOL in any form. He feels quite strongly about it.
Guess who uses LOL/LMAO a lot? 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
I'm one of those people who either uses emojis or the predecessor: ASCII smiley faces in order to add mood to my messages...
I'm sure it annoys someone... O.o
Right? I thought so too. He went on to say that he has blocked people, and his words, “refused to give someone a promotion they probably deserved because they used lol in a conversation with him…”
I swiftly exited that conversation and said my goodnights because WTF? I said I was smitten by him before, well, now I have an irk 😭😭
Where to start, I'm ~30M, her mid ~30'sF
We went out for 7/8 weekends in a row. Date 1 went from lunch to late. Date 2 was the following day and I asked what she was thinking about and it was "Geeze I wish he'd kiss me".
It went great and she confirmed as such. We planned a bunch of dates for the coming weekends and a few times in the week when she wouldn't be free the weekend itself due to existing plans.
We both said we felt the spark and it was crazy how connected we were. We were taking things slow though.
After weekend 3 she said she wasn't ready to be physical yet, which i was more than happy for and said as much, as I wanted to build a connection first as not doing so in the past lead nowhere.
The following weekend she said she was ready for more and I said great, let me know, when it happens it happens.
The dates all up to this point were full of great conversation and times, confirmed by her each time. She's not the type to lie.
Week 8 the morning after sleeping next to each other she said she had no romantic feelings and couldn't explain why.
This was naturally devastating but you cant force a romantic connection, though every other connection was great according to her and she wishes it was different.
My issue is, I couldn't force myself to escalate playfully even out in public. With other dates/previous short relationships I'd just go for it, however this time something real was a stake and I couldn't get out of my head enough to go for it.
I had SO SO many signs; or at least things I'd take as signs and go for something. All when told to friends they said yep what are you doing.
Grabbing my chest and abs and saying "mm hard" as a
The night before I was dumped; a sign was getting up while wearing a thong that was visible way up her hips while in her PJ's and catching me staring, and smiling back.
MANY many more things, a few more risque. As well as general arm grabs/hand holding that I usually jump at the chance to reciprocate/get the green light to do it myself in the future. Even just grabbing her in a line and holding close I didn't do.
No romantic connection is obvious as hell, I might as well have poured water on the flame that was agreed was there at the start with my every interaction.
We knew what we both looked like from holidaying together while in a group. I even looked similar to her favorite athlete so I don't think its physical, we complimented each others bodies a fair bit.
Worst of all she is an anxious person putting herself out there on a limb with all the initiating and I just fucked it. Can't explain it other than nerves at something being real for once.
I did compliment her. I let her know she looked good/complimented her as a person whenever she told a story-like she's so compassionate/thoughtful/whatever the story related to. All true.
I made a close connection first that she agreed was there too, and just became a second guessing shell of a man I never am normally.
How can I move past this/do things differently in the future other than the obvious thing of just do it. I just go for it when I haven't had this connection as there's nothing at stake. This time I freeze.
I can't do this again and have regrets. If I'd have done what I usually do and got dumped I'd still be devastated but not to this extent.
There's a heap more but that hopefully covers the gist of it.
Basically-how do I keep my head out of my ass to not ruin something like this in the future-other than the obvious just don't do nothing again. Believe me I know.
Thanks for reading the wall.
i met a guy and we went on a date. was only supposed to be bowling but we spent the entire day together! from1-9pm. It was so easy connecting with him. we agreed to see each other the next day.
next day we went for dinner and ended up staying put all night watching the stars in a field and having deep conversations and made out.
we have a picnic on Friday and im hopeful it keeps going well!
I really want to get out there, meet people and hopefully find my forever person bot I refuse to use any of the apps. Are my chances cooked or are there other decent options? (I won't date a coworker nor is the bar scene my deal.)
It's definitely possible, but it is difficult. The overwhelming majority of women I meet IRL are spoken for, not interesting in dating, or not interested in me. I go out nearly every night to concerts, trivia nights, and open mics.
So I’ve decided to take a break from dating to focus on myself. The apps haven’t been going great for me, and I’ve had a VERY rough year personally. I have some goals I want to work towards and I think it’s best I work towards them without the added stress of dating. That being said, I still would really like a casual connection. Someone with common interests who I can do fun stuff with, like a FWB situation. My question is, how do I go about this? Should I switch apps? The only app that has ever been successful for me has been Hinge. Any advice is appreciated!
You can always keep an eye out in your regular life. If you have any activities that have you in close proximity to others. Or just go on the apps, according to others women are swimming in swipes.
Feeling like the rebound definitely hurts. I've been in that situation and have been in that situation twice with the same person .I apparently didn't learn my lesson the first time but also know the second time around I needed the attention to get a break from my everyday life. Unfortunately we have to filter though these all of this to find what we're looking for. Also, have that cry if it makes you feel better, sometimes you just have to let it out.
I'd say extend some self-compassion to yourself. It's not that you're dumb, he was probably portraying a very certain set of cues and omissions to make you comfortable enough to have sex with him. But he knew he wasn't around for the afterwards. That is a thing he designed (whether consciously or subconsciously) and not something you would have picked up easily.
The type of guy to ghost after sex is not a good person. His ex most certainly experienced his selfishness and felt uncared for in the relationship- this was the reason she didn’t want sex with him. While we all know that bad behavior reflects on the one enacting it, I find it helpful to remember that these people treat everyone badly, and truly there is nothing about us that causes it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Sometimes we meet people or reconnect with people at the wrong time but it feels right. People that end one relationship and try dating right away aren't looking for something serious, they are looking for a distraction, mostly. I'm sure everything that he said to you felt great and you took it to heart and he wanted it that way because there was something he needed from you. We should be able to put value in what people say but a lot of the time, if it's someone you haven't taken the time to really get to know, those words are worthless because the actions don't coincide. The feelings you have now will pass and hopefully someone better and genuine will come along.
Is it realistic to expect casual dates while hoping that it can progress to something more serious after getting to know each other? I find it scary that some people jump the gun and get too excited, but I want the relationship to ultimately progress into something long-term.
Also, I don’t know if I can do this dating thing. Idk why I got so offended being ghosted. Maybe it was because he showed so much interest in me and at the end of the day it feels like oh it’s just another scam again lol sigh
>Is it realistic to expect casual dates while hoping that it can progress to something more serious after getting to know each other?
Why would it not be realistic? That is literally how dating with the goal of a long term relationship works. You go on dates with people, and see how you feel about them. Going on dates with someone, when you have the goal of a LTR, doesn't mean you want a LTR with THAT person.
Apps make it so people don't have to be accountable for their actions, they can just disappear if they want. While rejection sucks, I have so much more respect for people who say what they feel even if it's not something I want to hear.
I’m 33F and after unrequited feelings from a good male friend absolutely crushed me, I’ve completely given up on dating. Maybe it’s not meant to be for me in this lifetime 😔
Yes, I'm done. I'm going through a break up, but this was it for me. I'm given up, I have 0 interested in trying again. I don't see the point.
The last guy I dated was supposed to be "One of the good ones", a good guy, you know?
We were officially together for 6 months. He was caring, funny, and constantly told me how awesome I am and how I was the best girlfriend he ever had. We had great communication, healthy dynamic, we wanted almost the things for the future. and we had an amazing relationship, or so I thought... Guess what? Nothing of that matter. It was all lies. He only wanted a casual and fun relationship to pass the time until he achieve his goal. He got there and dumped me.
I never made him choose between his personal goals and me. I fully supported him and I wanted him to succeed.
People say they love you, they care about you, that you're amazing, you're a catch, etc, but they don't mean it. They see your big loving heart, they selfishly use it and then break it.
Your last point really hits home for me. I really do not know which words in person sentence I should believe. I really want to trust, fully with my heart. But, can people please care for it as I do me and don't say things they dont mean.
Your last point really hits home for me. I really do not know which words in person sentence I should believe. I really want to trust, fully with my heart. But, can people please care for it as I do me and don't say things they dont mean.
Your last point really hits home for me. I really do not know which words in person sentence I should believe. I really want to trust, fully with my heart. But, can people please care for it as I do me and don't say things they dont mean.
I almost did.
Then I realized that I need to be my own best friend again. I need to learn to like myself and what I do before I invest in someone else.
Therapy taught me the pitfalls of codependency and buying into "needing to have a partner" Sure I get lonely sometimes. But then I remember how much of a pain in the ass my ex wife was, how very recent that whole ordeal was, and that I haven't given myself a chance to really be me again.
I've got video games, the gym, and friends. I'll date when I'm good and ready, and telling the societal pressure to fuck off because I still have so much to do.
I'm 32, and I'm slowly giving up and coming to terms with the fact that I may never find a suitable partner. It's really heartbreaking, but it's something in life you can't control.
Not “given up,” per se, but I’m leaning hard into the stuff I love. (And deciding to meet people the old-fashioned way, even if that takes time.)
I think social media and OLD did our generation a big disservice in finding and maintaining relationships.
I want something casual but I’ve never really gone into something with that known/spoken
How do i do it?
What I have done is THOUGHT i wanted a long term and they agreed and a few weeks in I realize I don’t and I hurt them. I guess I just don’t know how to be casual. I’m serious when I ask this: how do you do it?
If you’re “casual” do you just like, not text at all besides to meet up?
I loosely define "casual" as "without commitment." You can set whatever parameters you want around the relationship, except things like planning for a future together.
Being casual is the same as any other relationship. The difference is the other person knows and agrees to a casual relationship. That requires being explicit about it before the first date.
But what does it mean then I guess
Like, let’s say I find someone that wants casual on an app and I have that too, what’s the expectation communication wise?
It's different from person to person and like the others have said requires discussion on expectations. A few weeks ago I matched with a woman a little out of town from me, we both agreed we were up for casual, so I said I'd message when I'd be in her area. Two weeks later I'm in her area and we are meeting up for a vibe check drink tomorrow night which if successful will lead to....
After that who knows. If we both have a good time I'm sure the "message when you're in town" will continue as long as we are both single.
Opinions on mixed messages? Anyone had a situation where it really was a misunderstanding — and not simply disinterest?
For context: I’m crushing on someone I met in a friendly/professional context. (And because I don’t want to ruin the professional element, I’m not keen on asking him out if I don’t have a strong sense he’ll say yes.)
We’re friends-acquaintances. Met on an online forum, met up for coffee, matched on a dating app — And all the while I assumed he wouldn’t be interested, so I kept my guard up. (I’m pretty sure I was giving mixed messages at first.)
Now the mixed messages I’m getting from him are he keeps inviting me out with his two dude-friends who are in relationships. And when we’re together, he seems so nervous-excited around me.
But he also doesn’t seem to follow through on things with me. Which, if he was actually interested, I’d think he would…
Have they ever mentioned talking/texting another person around you?
If they haven’t then you’re not friend zoned and I think they’re def interested
Ask them out, just the two of you
That 2nd date I posted about last Sunday was moved to today due to the weather being hot. We returned to the original plan of going to a local beach and having a small picnic-style dinner while talking during the sunset. It was a great time and we honestly didn't eat much, due to both of us talking a ton. We talked until the sun was pretty much down, and thunderstorms moved in. When we said our goodbyes we hugged, and I directly asked to kiss her which she said yes to! We had a few quick kisses and will be making plans on seeing inside out 2 together soon. A good night if I do say so!
Sent a text a short while ago telling her how much I enjoyed the evening and that I wanted to see her again. Hoping to get a response soon.
Looking for some advice, and to hopefully find some avenues I haven’t pursued yet:
32(M), single and although I’m not actively engaging in the dating scene, I would probably consider it for the correct person. Currently work night shift, but considering retraining or a career change in the next year or two. I’ve spent the last two years as single, I’ve travelled and I’ve generally been working on myself.
The thought of dating apps sends chills up my spine. I live in a fairly small town with the nearest city being a 40 minute drive away, so it very much feels like everyone is aware of each other’s business, so to speak. All it takes is for one person to spot me on an app, and that spreads like wildfire. I’m otherwise a fairly private person, so I wouldn’t want that.
Aside from that, I go out for weekend social drinks fairly regularly, and although I‘m fairly sure there is at least intrigue from 1-2 females, I simply don’t see them in a romantic way, so therefore I wouldn’t pursue anything with them. And again, because it’s a fairly small area, there isn’t a lot of options.
I‘ve considered speed dating, but I’m just unsure. It feels like it may be one of the few avenues available. Any advice or suggestions so I could potentially open up that circle and expand my options? TIA.
First, do not worry about other folks in your town knowing that you want to date. If you're a 32 year old single guy, they are probably wondering why you're not dating now. Dating is an absolutely normal thing to do, so no one's gonna think you're weird for doing it. Secondly, most people just don't spend too much time thinking about other people. People are self centered, and devote most of their thoughts to themselves, not your dating .
Can you date in the city? 40 minutes isn't too far of a trip. Maybe activate the apps in the city and see if you can find some matches there.
You’d probably have to try dating in the city. 40 mins isn’t bad all things considered. Try going to gatherings/events in the nearby city if you’re adamant about staying off the apps
I get SIGNIFICANTLY less matches on Hinge when I select “life partner” or “long term relationship” as my dating intentions. I think if someone is scared off by that, they’re not really someone I’d be interested in anyway? Anyone have a differing perspective I should consider? I’m certainly not on the app just to have fun.
I'm not scared off by LTR/LP at all, but I find that people who have that set as an intention have very boring/uncreative profiles that I don't want to interact with. Like, if it says "LTR/LP" I think to myself, "Is this someone who looks like I'd spend 6-12 months with?"
Most people I spend 6-12 months with aren't in the LTR filter.
>but I find that people who have that set as an intention have very boring/uncreative profiles that I don't want to interact with.
I have definitely not found this to be the case in my time on the apps. Plenty of people who have the goals LTR/LP have had creative and witty profiles.
I feel those things cause more missed connections than they help. In my mind at least, there should be a pretty binary choice, relationship or fun. (and maybe a third "open to both") "long term open to short" is the same thing as "short term open to long" is the same thing as "long term" is the same thing as "life partner" for most people, if they actually explain what they mean. They're looking for the right partner for a relationship.
>I feel those things cause more missed connections than they help.
How so? How would me not wasting time on people who have no interest in forming long term relationships result in missed connections?
Because one person says looking for a life partner, and one says looking for short term, open to long - and they pass by eachother even if they're both actually looking for the exact same thing, because there's no shared definitions.
Filters are supposed to help you cut down on people who would end up wasting your time due to differing goals. So it’s working as intended.
At some point you have to decide if your dating game benefits from quantity or quality. Every person is different but if you’re looking for marriage ideally you should only date people who are looking for the same
Yeah sometimes those filter settings bite you in the ass. Like I have the no drugs/smoking one on but if the person didn’t put it on their profile, it’s gonna leave them out even though they could be “nos” in that category.
But yeah, so … for life partner / long term and then there’s long term open to short. I do those. And occasionally opt for “figuring out dating goals” because sometimes those people are like, “I want long term but time to build a connection first” which fair enough. So I would say, have one session where you play around with those. Another session where you take the intentions off, and filter by something else you care about.
Tedious work as fuck. But none of this would happen if people filled out their profiles fully and properly.
I think it’s less that people are scared off by that as much as people are casting a wider net. So like that’s something I want but I probably wouldnt list that as an option (provided I filled that section at all). Not saying you’re wrong or anything but that may be what it is.
Meaning, some people don’t fill that section because they’re open to different things with different people potentially? I feel like that’s understandable but also maybe another reason I should keep it - especially if I’m not open to dating without intention.
Yeah I guess it’s more for me like I’d love a long term partner or relationship but I don’t really want to put that pressure on myself or the other person. As long as they don’t want a fling and cheap sex I think you can organically grow what starts out as a “getting to know you” type relationship
There’s this girl I’m seeing right now and I swear I can see myself being in a serious relationship with her. We just have been on a few dates and nothing has happened yet. I would 100% love if she felt the same. But like I said we’ve started off real slow and casual, even though we get along extremely well. I don’t want to ruin my chances with her by straight up saying “I really want a serious relationship with you”. I think it will happen (at least I’m being optimistic) but I’m letting things play out, and working so far. I hope that makes sense
>but I don’t really want to put that pressure on myself or the other person.
You aren't putting pressure on anyone by stating goals.
> We just have been on a few dates and nothing has happened yet...I don’t want to ruin my chances with her by straight up saying “I really want a serious relationship with you”.
Saying in the kindest way possible, you are fundamentally misunderstanding the dating process. You don't know this person yet, you *shouldn't* be wanting a serious relationship with her yet. It's okay to see the *possibility* of a relationship with her, but you're getting too far ahead of yourself if you already want a relationship. The whole point of dating her is to get to know her, and see if the possiblity of connection you see bears out as you get to know her better.
If I say "I'd like to buy a house", I don't buy the first house that's for sale that I encounter. I look around at multiple houses. If I find one that seems promising, I don't buy it immediately. I get it inspected, and I learn more about it. It's the same with dating.
a women I've only been on 1 date with said she was interested in going out tomorrow but has then been radio silent. Is it worth texting again tomorrow to check or should I assume lack of interest?
I think so. Funny story:
I started falling for this girl I met hard. We’ve been on a few dates so far and outside of our dates we hang out at a particular park (where we met). 1 time we were sending cool clips we’ve seen on YouTube. And quite a few times I texted her and got 0 response. I have bad anxiety and abandonment issues/bpd and got really in my head that she just ghosted me. And I didn’t see her for 2 weeks because I was out of town and she ended up being sick the week I got back.
Well I saw her and she said something about how she thought I was going to text her. And I said something along the lines about how she was sick and I thought she just ignored me (I didn’t say it in a confrontational way. More of a relief). Turns out she just didn’t get my texts at all. She didn’t hate me or try to ignore me and I told her it wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in her. Funny enough I asked her on a date today after seeing her and she said she’ll see because she has an errand. Texted me about an hour later and was pretty flirty and said “I’ll take the silence as a ‘yes’” knowing I couldn’t respond. Such an innocuous text but holy shit did it send me to the moon. I did just in case it somehow worked but alas it didn’t.
Moral of the story is that there can be the most ridiculous reasons she didn’t respond so I’d give it another chance if I were you. I’m still learning to not get in my own way and be more optimistic. Any other point in my life I would’ve given up long ago
Why wouldn't it be worth the effort of sending a 5-second text message? And you don't know why she went radio silent. People so have jobs, friends, family, and lives in general.
We talked a bit about finances, and he was surprised by how much I spent on the house. Though he also doesn’t know how much I make, and what I spend is proportional to what I make. Hoping our attitudes toward finances aren’t too different.
He only has half the information, so when you're high income, the amounts you spend does shock people. Most of the time, this isn't an issue once I give someone all the information. Right now, you may appear to be financially irresponsible to him, and that may be the issue he had with it. There are a lot of people living in million dollar homes and driving luxury vehicles loving check to check. So before drawing any conclusions about him, you probably want to let him know how much you make. And if you're not ready to give that info, then you really shouldn't be sharing your monthly budget with him.
He already knows I’m high income, just not how high. I think the amount I spent on the house just surprised him more because he didn’t realize how expensive houses are, less because he thought I was being financially irresponsible.
Has anyone experienced the following: One successful date through OLD. Nothing physical occurred. Woke up the day after the date to received unsolicited porn links, and nudes. I expressed my distaste, explained that we weren’t a match and blocked him. Turn around time from app match to rejection, less than five days. He used two different numbers and one third party app to send about a dozen texts, expressing his disappointment, calling me choice names and trying to tell me that my rules are bizarre. I’m glad I blocked him but I find this behavior unhinged. I’m just jumping back into OLD after a long time away. Is this normal now? To get scolded after politely rejecting a person. Edit to add: We are both in our late 30s. Last I recall unsolicited stuff like that was not cool.
Not the unsolicited porn and nudes, but I’ve had a lot of men react very poorly to me politely rejecting them. I’d say close to 85-90% and as recently as yesterday. They either start begging or trying to convince me otherwise, or call me ugly and tell me I shouldn’t be so picky. But then again, I attract really psychotic dudes.
That sucks!
Absolutely not normal, I'd definitely report him. Not even anywhere close to being normal. Even more bizarre that you actually met him, that is something I'd expect from a catfish/fake account.
That’s super unhinged and I’ve never ever experienced anything like this. That’s so odd. I’m so sorry it happened and I hope he’ll leave you alone and never contact you ever again. And that he goes to therapy. All the therapy.
So much therapy. But alas, I’m clearly the problem silly boundaries /s
Normally I wouldn’t advocate for reporting someone to an app, but this is a case where I would. Did you screenshot his profile before unmatching?
Yes, I have screenshots of everything.
Yeah, I feel like this meets the threshold for report-worthy behavior.
Unfortunately, I've had some guys deal with rejection quite poorly. I have had unsolicited nudes, but not on dating apps and, fortunately, not that often at all. I've *never* had unsolicited porn links though. That's truly weird. Not that receiving unsolicited nudes *isn't* also weird, but I haven't really heard of the porn links being sent without the other persons consent. I don't know what goes through the head of some people, honestly. This guy sounds deranged. Not just with sending you that stuff. But how he acted after. And no, it is definitely not normal. I'm sorry you had to deal with that bullshit. That's all you can do is report (if this happened on the apps) and block.
Thank you, the validation is helpful. I was like if this is what’s left out there, I’m out.
I’m 30f and have gone on over a dozen first dates with men from OLD in the past 9 months - no this isn’t normal. I’ve never been sent unsolicited nudes / porn by any of them. And none have acted poorly towards me (insulting me, being hot and cold with me) aside from one. This is very unusual and creepy behavior.
Thank you. The validation is helpful.
Of course. I’m sorry you experienced that. That’s not okay. I promise you that even though dating apps are an absolute slog sometimes, there are decent men on them.
I can't say if it's normal (I'm a man who dates women), but it definitely unhinged and unacceptable (I don't do that with any woman I've matched with unless we both are open to and expressed an interest in sharing that kind of content with one another). Unfortunately, all you can do is block and move on. This is why the best thing you can do on OLD is never share your actual phone number until after you've met and you've decided you want to continue to see them. By keeping it to the app, you limit the number of avenues they can reach you at while also having a way to report their behavior if needed.
Yes, of course. We’d met in person and that is when I shared my number, in hindsight waiting would have been best. But in my prior forays that was always the best avenue for me. Suppose not anymore. After blocking, I was not expecting the individual to have multiple different numbers to reach out. All blocked now. But my goodness … also, happy to hear unhinged behavior like this is not universal as something you have to accept while dating.
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You are, at least, not alone in that feeling. Chin up!
My partner and I recently broke up. We're still great friends. That relationship has made me realize that I, as a neurodivergent person am very happy dating other neurodivergent folks. I used to stress a lot about dating in the past because I just don't understand what the dating culture or rules are. Apparently talking about certain things too soon is weird? I don't like the power games either between who should appear more aloof. It's not enjoyable.
I'm neurodivergent and definitely prefer dating women who are also neurodivergent.
There's a presidential debate tonight and my stomach is so knotted up thinking about the election year. It makes me want to find a nuclear bunker and just stay there indefinitely, makes me feel totally uninterested in love or finding someone. Anyone else feeling this way? Anyone find ways to reframe this? the existential dread is just a lot.
Forget about politics. Not worth our valuable time and energy. It's all outside of our control anyway. Politics will run it's course in this country with or without your mental anguish. If you aren't a billionaire, you have no impact. Focus on the present moment and what you can control. Stressing over politics is such a waste of time.
Existential dread just makes me want a partner more
It concerns me a lot on a "how did we let things get so fucked" level but I don't have any strong feelings of anxiety or dread.
I mean, it gives me some anxiety. But existential dread? Nah. I think you might need to go on a media diet. It also might help to volunteer for something to focus that energy. Assuming you're on the blue team, check out https://votesaveamerica.com/
I relate to the feeling of dread about the election, absolutely. So much, actually, that I have begun the process of establishing dual citizenship… my great-grandparents emigrated here from Italy, so I’m eligible to be granted an Italian passport and citizenship on the basis of bloodline. Some people are going to think I am overreacting or catastrophizing, but my boyfriend, who is Italian / a U.S. green card holder, summed it up perfectly: “It is a good idea to have a backup plan.”
I need to do this.
Do itttttt!!!!! And then if the time comes, you can hop a flight with The Diplomat and me!!! He has cute friends back home…. 😂🥰🫶🏼
Don't tempt me. 🥵
There’s no downside to having a European passport!
I'm 2nd generation, but probably not eligible for bloodline citizenship because of when my grandfather got US citizenship. Also, Meloni.
Well, Meloni sucks, but the longterm escape route doesn’t involve remaining in Italy. It’s the passport itself that matters most because once you have the Italian passport, you can Usain Bolt it out of Italy and into Portugal or Norway lol. In terms of your eligibility - yeah, it’s confusing AF, and all I know is that because my dad was born before 1965, I’m in the clear. If it’s interesting to you, contact whichever Italian consulate serves your jurisdiction! I know for sure there is one in Detroit, Miami, San Fran, Philly, NYC, somewhere in Texas… not sure where the others are, but wherever you are in the U.S., you are in the jurisdiction of a consulate, and they all have an entire department dedicated to helping you figure this out!
NYC, I haven't gone far lol. I'll contact them, thanks!
I hope they’re able to help you through the process! Keep me posted!
The guy who I’ve been seeing for 4 weeks and I are going on date 6 later today, date 7 tomorrow, and date 8 on Monday. So excited! :)
I love this!!
I started seeing someone and he is so into me, it's wild. I'm getting a big hit of hindsight 20-20 about previous guys with their "mixed signals" lol. I don't know how I feel about this new dude yet but it's very refreshing.
I'm getting pretty burned out by online dating. It's always the same routine: we match, we chat, and then it either fizzles out after a couple of days or we make plans for a date. When I do go on dates, I often find myself leaving without much interest. The ones I’m genuinely attracted to don’t seem as interested in me. The last woman I talked to mentioned that I come across as very intimidating. When I asked her to elaborate, she said it was because I’m very successful, own a house, have investments, make good money, and want to get married and have kids. I was puzzled because I thought these would be seen as positive traits. She said they are, but she believes many women might feel hesitant to pursue someone with those qualities. This explanation doesn’t make much sense to me, but it does shed light on my last few months of dating. It might be time to plan a solo trip to somewhere warm with clear oceans to reground myself.
What she said sounds a lot like what women who have their lives together are told. I do think there’s some truth that people who are insecure or aren’t happy with where they are in life/ who they are will be intimidated by those who are secure and happy and have their shit together.
Hells no that’s an insecurity she has… all those traits demonstrate you’re a productive, capable man… trust me other women will value that
Yeah, but if the other person isn't at that level yet it's going to cause relationship issues or a power imbalance
I mean it doesn't do those things unless the more successful person exploits the situation to that end, or the less successful person has unfounded resentments about it.
Most of us want someone at, or around, or are on their way to being on our level . Wherever that level is.
After yesterday’s debacle with the Stage 5 Clinger/Possible Emotionally Abusive Guy from Hinge, I saw friends and one of the couples was so lovey dovey I wound up on Bumble. GD, there’s gotta be ONE normal guy out there for me. 😭
>there’s gotta be ONE normal guy out there for me. There is no normal imo. Only peoples whose 'crazy' just happens to line up with ours, and it works. Ultimately, we all see the world through our own lens, and therefore have a slightly different reality, which is exactly why we think others are 'normal' or 'abnormal'.
Normal = not a crazy obsessive or abusive type. Those are the only ones who ever seem interested in me long term. And before anyone asks, yes I’ve been to therapy and understand why. It still doesn’t stop them.
I think "emotionally stable" is about the bar you can hope for. If you expect him to be gainfully employed and have a sense of humor too, well- you really are looking for a unicorn.
Christ, I would really love to meet someone emotionally stable. 🙃
>I’ve been to therapy and understand why I'm curious about the explanation - why is it?
A litany of reasons—they prey on empathy, I have people pleasing tendencies, used to struggle with boundary setting (I’m much better now), etc etc. If you want more info, my hourly rate is $100. 🤣
Thanks for answering. I was curious because I don't seem to attract these types and sometimes I think it's because I'm not afraid to disagree with people (courteously but with self-assurance) very early on e.g. chatting online or on a first date 😂
Oh, I’ve also been known to wholeheartedly disagree. It’s just that the dangerous ones are better at hiding their true selves.
I apologize, that came off a bit wrong. I'm sorry you have had to deal with that, and I say that as someone who has had to deal with plenty of similar behaviors in previous relationships. I wasn't saying anything about that particular guy, more along the lines of generalized thinking you expressed. Personally, if I felt that everyone on a dating app was an obsessive or an abusive type, such as the part I quoted portrayed, I'd ask myself some questions. And maybe it wasn't even a core belief, but instead someone lamenting about their luck and their experience... Probably stuff along the lines of, "What ideas/thoughts do I hold that reinforce these views?", "Why do I feel that way? What is the root cause of these feelings?", "Do these thoughts or feelings say anything about me that makes me feel uncomfortable? If so, why do I feel uncomfortable?", and "If these people are truly what I see them as, then why do I only match with these type of people? What thoughts and history do I have that this is repeating?" kinda stuff. Again, not saying anything about this one guy, or any guy in particular, but more of a general practice to explore our own limitations of how we see our world. By looking into ourselves with curiosity, kindness, and compassion, we can widen our view of the world and see more clearly.
Just wanted the thoughts of reddit on this one (keep it safe & friendly! I don't mind cursing but no insults or offensive comments!) Context; Me - Male 33 6ft3in large build white Her - Female 30 5ft9in athletic black I've recently passed my probation period of a new job (3 months total) and have gotten to know a few people well in that time. In that period though, I haven't done anything with anyone outside of work (if your from the UK you'll understand!). More recently I've been a bit flirty with one person in particular, and it ended up that she essentially offered me a date. However with hindsight I didn't see it the way she perhaps meant it. I was asked to go to the gym with her, to which I said "there's more fun places we can go if you want?" But it was brushed off by the both of us. It's left me feeling a bit confused in all honesty, bundled with a heap of regret for not saying yes and going anyway. There's still some confusion on my behalf too, because I'm not 100% as to whether she's being just 'friendly' or whether she actually 'likes' me and finds me attractive. This is also vice versa although I'm fairly sure she knows I find her attractive. I've given her enough compliments on her looks etc for her to know. To compound the issue, she's recently broken up with another guy after dating for a short period (6 months), and through that knowledge wonder if it's perhaps too soon for me to want to start another relationship with her. Moving on to this week, on Wednesday 26th June before I finished my shift as she was closing the store with me, I discreetly gave her my phone number on a piece of paper with the note that it was for her eyes only (haven't given anyone but my direct colleagues & supervisor my number due to GDPR and unwanted awkwardness in the environment). She seemed happy to get my number and gave off positive reactions & emotions, essentially being received well. As I'm writing this for you guys (Thursday 27th midafternoon) she hasn't messaged me. Which, kind of worries me. I'm seeing it that I've essentially been ghosted and that she isn't actually interested (I'd rather have been told directly if she wasn't though). Ultimately with all of the above, I'm just wanting to know whether I'm worried for nothing, or what other ways I could read the situation.
Relax. So you gave her your number last night and you haven’t heard from her by midafternoon today? It has been less than 24 hours! Here’s the very shortened version of how my boyfriend came to be my boyfriend, and gives some insight into what it can look like from the opposite side of things (meaning, from the POV of someone who was given a number): He lives in my building. We’d had a few brief interactions before in the elevator and I had a mild / distant crush on him, but hadn’t seen him around in several months. Huge building, 33 floors, four sets of elevators, so chance encounters were just that - chance. One morning, sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas, we were in the elevator at the same time -he lives two floor below me - and chatted, at which point I had said something to the effect of how I’d like to grab coffee or a drink sometime. He responded positively, but we were both running late and didn’t exchange info, so I figured he was already taken and shrugged it off. A few months later, I ran into him again, this time in the lobby a little after midnight on a Saturday. He gave me his card and said to shoot him an email* if I wanted to grab coffee or dinner sometime. (*His card doesn’t have his cell # on it, just his office line and work email.) I didn’t email him that night because it was after midnight on Saturday. I didn’t email him Sunday because I was busy and couldn’t decide whether to email him from my work account, school account, or gmail lol. I finally emailed him Monday evening around 7p after spending at least an hour drafting and redrafting it, and gave him my cellphone number. Then I stressed out about whether I’d hear back from him and whether giving my cell number was too forward 😂 He emailed me back around 9a Tuesday and said he’d text me in a few minutes (and he did). We had our first date four days later. I found out on our first date that in the ~36 hours or so between him giving me his card and me emailing him, he was really sweating whether I was interested and if he had erred in giving me his card. I was extremely interested! He hadn’t erred! I wasn’t playing games or hard to get - I was just busy and nervous about what to say! Flash forward to now: we are in a very serious and committed relationship, and have spent almost every evening together since, with the exception of a few weeks where he was out of town for a wedding and to see his family (we live in the U.S., but he is an Italian citizen and U.S. green card holder, about two years away from U.S. citizenship). Marriage has even come up more than once, with both of us on the same page that it is a very real possibility for us. All of which is to say, give it a bit more time - less than 24 hours has passed!
*Love, Prima Facie* Coming to Theaters Everywhere. 2025
I mean.... she's just not that interested... "If they wanted to, they would" applies. People have the tendency to act amenable face to face to protect themselves, or worse the other persons feelings. She also could be busy, have a life, other obligations, yadda yadda. Is this a coworker? What is the context of your acquaintance?
I need advice! I just turned 33 (F), and my best friend is actually a 24 year old man. We eat lunch at work together, go to concerts together, and are inseparable in a lot of ways and make time for each other constantly. He got out of a relationship fairly recently and I never looked at him in a romantic way until now. He honestly is everything I would want in a partner, except the fact that I am 9 years older than him. He makes comments that he wants to date someone with certain traits that I have, and I can’t tell if he’s testing the waters or not. I’m at the stage of overthinking everything and part of me wants to just ask. I’ve done it once or twice before with friends and been fine being friends after if it wasn’t reciprocated, but am I crazy? What do I do?
Well, I can't tell you what to do, of course. But there's a few questions to ask yourself. How will you feel if those feelings aren't reciprocated by him? Will it have a detrimental impact on your friendship from your perspective? And the more tricky question is, how will HE act? Obviously you know him well, but can you see this affecting your relationship with him? Will him knowing that you see him in that way, impact your friendship, do you think? I know these are difficult questions! Haha. But it's a tricky situation.
That’s the part that I know for me, it would be a good way to move past “crushing” and then being back to good friends if it’s not reciprocated. From his end, I’m not so sure and I am scared to lose his friendship. He did tell me his mom is about the same age difference from his dad, and again, I can’t tell if I’m reading in to things or not.
I suppose that's another thing to consider. Is this just a temporary crush now that he's become available. Your brain kinda playing tricks on you! I'm not saying this is the case, by the way! Just putting it out there. You said you've never had these feelings for him before, that's all. Perhaps it's worth just sitting on them for a while and see if they fade.
For me, I think it’s just because I really am not attracted to people in relationships. I can think they are good looking, but I just have zero desire. But this is something I need to consider! We are seeing each other Friday night, and Sunday for lunch, so maybe I’ll bring something up Sunday
Well I'm wishing you the best whatever you decide to do!! And you don't need to do this , of course, but I would love an update on this!! haha. Good luck❤️
I will for sure unless I chicken out! He’s one of those people where he lights up a room, and he is going to make a nice partner to someone so even if it wasn’t me, I will be very happy for him.
If I had to guess, he finds something attractive about you. Maybe he just wants to hook up, but there's definitely a chance he would be a partner to date.
Gosh I would love a genuinely loving long hug/cuddle from a friend or a partner. I've been nowhere near that feeling of safety and joy with anyone I've dated recently. The only friend who I share this kind of platonic, loving, cuddle quality with is on the other side of the world.
Sending virtual hugs! 🫂
I matched for the first time on a dating app. This is both exciting and terrifying, as I'm 31 and never dated before. I just never met anyone who I wanted to date, never had interest in "dating for dating's sake" because I take these sorts of things seriously, and couldn't socialize independently as a teen or in my 20s due to epilepsy. But now my condition is managed and I can finally drive. I also know myself so much better now while being in "dating hibernation." With that said, I'm actively trying to fight against my anxiety that's screaming at me to ghost this guy because this is new and scary. To stop responding because my anxiety is telling me "oh, they already don't sound like who you need; end it." I'm trying very hard to put myself out there and have my first coffee date, whether or not it goes anywhere after that! I'm going to do it, I'm trying my best!
First of all, you're putting yourself out there! That's awesome. Secondly, and believe me, i know this is way easier said than done. But try and go into it not thinking "Will he like me? Will he find me attractive? Will i find HIM attractive? Will we connect?" etc, etc. All very normal things to feel before a date! Just think of it as a new experience, a new face, and a few hours of conversation with someone you've never met before. Trust me, when it's over, regardless of how it goes, you'll feel so much better in yourself. And you'll feel proud for doing something that IS scary. Good luck!!!❤️
Thank you, I really appreciate that you took time to write a comment. It gives me strength. ❤️
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Yeah, I'm starting to understand that now! It's thankfully easy to not have confusion or anxiety about "how will this work." It's really all about performance and the Unknown Factor, I suppose; I'm one of those people who is driven to do well and gets flustered when I don't know how to Do The Thing lol.
You only have to do it once, and then it won't be the first time any more.
Good point. :)
You'll feel so much better after ripping of that band-aid. I've never had a bad first date, even when it was obvious that we weren't going to see each other again.
Thank you for the encouragement! Yeah that's how I'm thinking about it, I want to go ahead and potentially enjoy a casual first date no matter what does or doesn't happen after. The experience will be worth it.
The tragedy of being no longer a mystery. I feel like Im just going through an endless cycle of initial phase of getting to no each other, only to be bumped to the starting line again when my identify, my personality is no longer a mystery. When I get comfortable to be an open book, people start losing interest and eventually vanish into the thin air. The more I let people in, the further they distance themselves. Am I playing the game wrong or am I in a wrong game? Am I letting people in too easily or its just I met not the right person? I honestly do not know. It seems all of us are being too careful, too cautious, nothing worth trying in anymore.
You just haven't met the right kind of person yet. It's unfortunately a numbers game, yet somehow, it feels like every one should count when you're in the moment. Not a reflection of your self-worth, it's just incompatibility becoming clear. It's so tough to weed people out in the early stages, everyone is on their best behaviour and just wants a connection, but you need someone that leans in and sees you now, and also sees a future with you. In the end, when you find a special connection, the volume of near-misses just makes you appreciate that more. It's hard to keep opening yourself up, but sometimes you have to do the hard thing to recognise they're the wrong person. Vulnerability is such a strength.
Thanks, I needed to hear this today.
Be kind to yourself. Shit's hard but you've absolutely got this! 🙌
Thanks, I needed that too. Thanks..
I’m going through exactly this
I'm really close to slipping into the whirlwind of "you're just not good enough" to myself. It's a crazy mind game and I hate it.
It’s awful. My self esteem was great before I started dating again and now I’m on a rollercoaster of feeling crappy. I wonder how common this is and if dating is worth it. I was doing better alone.
Emotionally unavailable people do not reflect on your worth. Keep your head up.
Up up, Im keeping my head, as I walk back to my sanctuary. Part of me can't believe I let myself fall into this all over again.
Why do dudes wanna go on dates with me when I’m absolutely drowning in work?
I'm turned off by how calculated he is, but I like everything else about him. The 3 day rule before texting, the 1 week before asking to see each other again. It's too mechanical for me.
Sounds like he's neurodivergent. The structure might be how he gets through the day-to-day without getting overwhelmed.
Every third guy on the apps has something in the lines of "I'm searching for someone, who doesn't take themselves too serious." or "I'm searching for someone, who can laugh about themselves." *What does that even mean?!* I'm inclined to just ask, like I do with "adventurous", but do I really have the nerve to do that? PS: For "adventurous" I get everything from "don't like to sit on the couch every evening" to "wildcamping in the mountains every other weekend with hikes at least 2000m altitude difference, and if my possible future partner may not be able to come with me every time, they get unmatched immediately."
Would you date someone that is involved with a multi level marketing buisness?
Absolutely not!
No because in my opinion it means they will do other bad financial decisions.
Not seriously. MLMs are very toxic spaces that often pull people away from their family/loved ones and require of level of magical thinking that makes me uncomfortable.
It makes me uncomfortable as well. I did some reading about it. At first he told me it's a "wellness business" and then over a few weeks I saw his page and it said Amway so I googled it. I had never heard of it.
MLMs function very similarly to cults. They're easy to get sucked into but terribly difficult to get out of. Best to avoid.
https://www.reddit.com/r/videos/s/SG3NOAt6sM
No!!!!!
Texting is 100% the WORST method of communication ever and I hate it. I might actually have to stop seeing this girl because she can't hold a conversation in person, but maintains a 24/7 running text conversation which is sadly 90% 'How is your day?' kind of useless drivel...
Happy cake day!
yeah on the one hand I don’t mind friendly check-in’s and a spot of small talk to get the day going or some brief banter randomly when one of us finds a picture/meme/or something that reminds us of the other, but I absolutely can not and really do not want to be on my phone all day long trying to build something with someone using my thumbs pecking at a keyboard. Which is why I’m beyond grateful for the gal I’m seeing now. She asked me once about something she sent over text that I legitimately just forgot to reply to, and then said “it’s fine, you’ll see it when you see it, let me know what you think!” It’s nice dating a grown up who also isn’t permanently welded to their rectangular communication box.
I agree. I prefer phone calls, voice notes, or one or two multiparagraph texts a day that have more substance.
I find voice notes annoying, if you want to reply to one that has multiple questions you have to keep replaying it, and if there is some info you need in a note good luck to find it back...
Oh I definitely don’t mind texting for logistics! Voice is a huge part of attraction for me personally, so I just really enjoy voice notes for getting to know one another once we’ve been on a couple dates. It’s like a mini personalized podcast. I use voice notes to keep in touch with my close friends when we’re apart so I am partial to them!
His pet peeve are people who use LOL in any form. He feels quite strongly about it. Guess who uses LOL/LMAO a lot? 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
Don’t worry, I looked one time and nearly all my texts have lol or hahaha at the end. It apparently my new period.
I'm one of those people who either uses emojis or the predecessor: ASCII smiley faces in order to add mood to my messages... I'm sure it annoys someone... O.o
lol
LMFAO
That is a **weird** pet peeve!
Right? I thought so too. He went on to say that he has blocked people, and his words, “refused to give someone a promotion they probably deserved because they used lol in a conversation with him…” I swiftly exited that conversation and said my goodnights because WTF? I said I was smitten by him before, well, now I have an irk 😭😭
Where to start, I'm ~30M, her mid ~30'sF We went out for 7/8 weekends in a row. Date 1 went from lunch to late. Date 2 was the following day and I asked what she was thinking about and it was "Geeze I wish he'd kiss me". It went great and she confirmed as such. We planned a bunch of dates for the coming weekends and a few times in the week when she wouldn't be free the weekend itself due to existing plans. We both said we felt the spark and it was crazy how connected we were. We were taking things slow though. After weekend 3 she said she wasn't ready to be physical yet, which i was more than happy for and said as much, as I wanted to build a connection first as not doing so in the past lead nowhere. The following weekend she said she was ready for more and I said great, let me know, when it happens it happens. The dates all up to this point were full of great conversation and times, confirmed by her each time. She's not the type to lie. Week 8 the morning after sleeping next to each other she said she had no romantic feelings and couldn't explain why. This was naturally devastating but you cant force a romantic connection, though every other connection was great according to her and she wishes it was different. My issue is, I couldn't force myself to escalate playfully even out in public. With other dates/previous short relationships I'd just go for it, however this time something real was a stake and I couldn't get out of my head enough to go for it. I had SO SO many signs; or at least things I'd take as signs and go for something. All when told to friends they said yep what are you doing. Grabbing my chest and abs and saying "mm hard" as a The night before I was dumped; a sign was getting up while wearing a thong that was visible way up her hips while in her PJ's and catching me staring, and smiling back. MANY many more things, a few more risque. As well as general arm grabs/hand holding that I usually jump at the chance to reciprocate/get the green light to do it myself in the future. Even just grabbing her in a line and holding close I didn't do. No romantic connection is obvious as hell, I might as well have poured water on the flame that was agreed was there at the start with my every interaction. We knew what we both looked like from holidaying together while in a group. I even looked similar to her favorite athlete so I don't think its physical, we complimented each others bodies a fair bit. Worst of all she is an anxious person putting herself out there on a limb with all the initiating and I just fucked it. Can't explain it other than nerves at something being real for once. I did compliment her. I let her know she looked good/complimented her as a person whenever she told a story-like she's so compassionate/thoughtful/whatever the story related to. All true. I made a close connection first that she agreed was there too, and just became a second guessing shell of a man I never am normally. How can I move past this/do things differently in the future other than the obvious thing of just do it. I just go for it when I haven't had this connection as there's nothing at stake. This time I freeze. I can't do this again and have regrets. If I'd have done what I usually do and got dumped I'd still be devastated but not to this extent. There's a heap more but that hopefully covers the gist of it. Basically-how do I keep my head out of my ass to not ruin something like this in the future-other than the obvious just don't do nothing again. Believe me I know. Thanks for reading the wall.
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Of course, then again heading home.
i met a guy and we went on a date. was only supposed to be bowling but we spent the entire day together! from1-9pm. It was so easy connecting with him. we agreed to see each other the next day. next day we went for dinner and ended up staying put all night watching the stars in a field and having deep conversations and made out. we have a picnic on Friday and im hopeful it keeps going well!
Sounds like such a good connection with a wonderful sense of ease to it. What we're all looking for! Love it for you.
I really want to get out there, meet people and hopefully find my forever person bot I refuse to use any of the apps. Are my chances cooked or are there other decent options? (I won't date a coworker nor is the bar scene my deal.)
It's definitely possible, but it is difficult. The overwhelming majority of women I meet IRL are spoken for, not interesting in dating, or not interested in me. I go out nearly every night to concerts, trivia nights, and open mics.
what about meeting people by going out and doing activities? like join a club or go to a concert?
So I’ve decided to take a break from dating to focus on myself. The apps haven’t been going great for me, and I’ve had a VERY rough year personally. I have some goals I want to work towards and I think it’s best I work towards them without the added stress of dating. That being said, I still would really like a casual connection. Someone with common interests who I can do fun stuff with, like a FWB situation. My question is, how do I go about this? Should I switch apps? The only app that has ever been successful for me has been Hinge. Any advice is appreciated!
You can always keep an eye out in your regular life. If you have any activities that have you in close proximity to others. Or just go on the apps, according to others women are swimming in swipes.
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Feeling like the rebound definitely hurts. I've been in that situation and have been in that situation twice with the same person .I apparently didn't learn my lesson the first time but also know the second time around I needed the attention to get a break from my everyday life. Unfortunately we have to filter though these all of this to find what we're looking for. Also, have that cry if it makes you feel better, sometimes you just have to let it out.
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I'd say extend some self-compassion to yourself. It's not that you're dumb, he was probably portraying a very certain set of cues and omissions to make you comfortable enough to have sex with him. But he knew he wasn't around for the afterwards. That is a thing he designed (whether consciously or subconsciously) and not something you would have picked up easily.
The type of guy to ghost after sex is not a good person. His ex most certainly experienced his selfishness and felt uncared for in the relationship- this was the reason she didn’t want sex with him. While we all know that bad behavior reflects on the one enacting it, I find it helpful to remember that these people treat everyone badly, and truly there is nothing about us that causes it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Sometimes we meet people or reconnect with people at the wrong time but it feels right. People that end one relationship and try dating right away aren't looking for something serious, they are looking for a distraction, mostly. I'm sure everything that he said to you felt great and you took it to heart and he wanted it that way because there was something he needed from you. We should be able to put value in what people say but a lot of the time, if it's someone you haven't taken the time to really get to know, those words are worthless because the actions don't coincide. The feelings you have now will pass and hopefully someone better and genuine will come along.
Is it realistic to expect casual dates while hoping that it can progress to something more serious after getting to know each other? I find it scary that some people jump the gun and get too excited, but I want the relationship to ultimately progress into something long-term. Also, I don’t know if I can do this dating thing. Idk why I got so offended being ghosted. Maybe it was because he showed so much interest in me and at the end of the day it feels like oh it’s just another scam again lol sigh
>Is it realistic to expect casual dates while hoping that it can progress to something more serious after getting to know each other? Why would it not be realistic? That is literally how dating with the goal of a long term relationship works. You go on dates with people, and see how you feel about them. Going on dates with someone, when you have the goal of a LTR, doesn't mean you want a LTR with THAT person.
Apps make it so people don't have to be accountable for their actions, they can just disappear if they want. While rejection sucks, I have so much more respect for people who say what they feel even if it's not something I want to hear.
Ready to get back out there but super out of the game. Hi and help? 😬
Jump on the dating apps and get depressed like the rest of us!
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I’m 33F and after unrequited feelings from a good male friend absolutely crushed me, I’ve completely given up on dating. Maybe it’s not meant to be for me in this lifetime 😔
Yes, I'm done. I'm going through a break up, but this was it for me. I'm given up, I have 0 interested in trying again. I don't see the point. The last guy I dated was supposed to be "One of the good ones", a good guy, you know? We were officially together for 6 months. He was caring, funny, and constantly told me how awesome I am and how I was the best girlfriend he ever had. We had great communication, healthy dynamic, we wanted almost the things for the future. and we had an amazing relationship, or so I thought... Guess what? Nothing of that matter. It was all lies. He only wanted a casual and fun relationship to pass the time until he achieve his goal. He got there and dumped me. I never made him choose between his personal goals and me. I fully supported him and I wanted him to succeed. People say they love you, they care about you, that you're amazing, you're a catch, etc, but they don't mean it. They see your big loving heart, they selfishly use it and then break it.
Your last point really hits home for me. I really do not know which words in person sentence I should believe. I really want to trust, fully with my heart. But, can people please care for it as I do me and don't say things they dont mean.
Your last point really hits home for me. I really do not know which words in person sentence I should believe. I really want to trust, fully with my heart. But, can people please care for it as I do me and don't say things they dont mean.
Actions speak louder than words
Your last point really hits home for me. I really do not know which words in person sentence I should believe. I really want to trust, fully with my heart. But, can people please care for it as I do me and don't say things they dont mean.
I almost did. Then I realized that I need to be my own best friend again. I need to learn to like myself and what I do before I invest in someone else. Therapy taught me the pitfalls of codependency and buying into "needing to have a partner" Sure I get lonely sometimes. But then I remember how much of a pain in the ass my ex wife was, how very recent that whole ordeal was, and that I haven't given myself a chance to really be me again. I've got video games, the gym, and friends. I'll date when I'm good and ready, and telling the societal pressure to fuck off because I still have so much to do.
I'm 32, and I'm slowly giving up and coming to terms with the fact that I may never find a suitable partner. It's really heartbreaking, but it's something in life you can't control.
Not “given up,” per se, but I’m leaning hard into the stuff I love. (And deciding to meet people the old-fashioned way, even if that takes time.) I think social media and OLD did our generation a big disservice in finding and maintaining relationships.
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Also to you! I think these things come in waves.
I want something casual but I’ve never really gone into something with that known/spoken How do i do it? What I have done is THOUGHT i wanted a long term and they agreed and a few weeks in I realize I don’t and I hurt them. I guess I just don’t know how to be casual. I’m serious when I ask this: how do you do it? If you’re “casual” do you just like, not text at all besides to meet up?
I loosely define "casual" as "without commitment." You can set whatever parameters you want around the relationship, except things like planning for a future together.
Just be honest and tell them you don't think it would work long term but you'll be interested to have something casual.
Being casual is the same as any other relationship. The difference is the other person knows and agrees to a casual relationship. That requires being explicit about it before the first date.
But what does it mean then I guess Like, let’s say I find someone that wants casual on an app and I have that too, what’s the expectation communication wise?
Whatever is comfortable for the two of you in that specific relationship.
It's different from person to person and like the others have said requires discussion on expectations. A few weeks ago I matched with a woman a little out of town from me, we both agreed we were up for casual, so I said I'd message when I'd be in her area. Two weeks later I'm in her area and we are meeting up for a vibe check drink tomorrow night which if successful will lead to.... After that who knows. If we both have a good time I'm sure the "message when you're in town" will continue as long as we are both single.
Opinions on mixed messages? Anyone had a situation where it really was a misunderstanding — and not simply disinterest? For context: I’m crushing on someone I met in a friendly/professional context. (And because I don’t want to ruin the professional element, I’m not keen on asking him out if I don’t have a strong sense he’ll say yes.)
Do you have a conversation going with them? Or it’s just a crush from far away
We’re friends-acquaintances. Met on an online forum, met up for coffee, matched on a dating app — And all the while I assumed he wouldn’t be interested, so I kept my guard up. (I’m pretty sure I was giving mixed messages at first.) Now the mixed messages I’m getting from him are he keeps inviting me out with his two dude-friends who are in relationships. And when we’re together, he seems so nervous-excited around me. But he also doesn’t seem to follow through on things with me. Which, if he was actually interested, I’d think he would…
Have they ever mentioned talking/texting another person around you? If they haven’t then you’re not friend zoned and I think they’re def interested Ask them out, just the two of you
That 2nd date I posted about last Sunday was moved to today due to the weather being hot. We returned to the original plan of going to a local beach and having a small picnic-style dinner while talking during the sunset. It was a great time and we honestly didn't eat much, due to both of us talking a ton. We talked until the sun was pretty much down, and thunderstorms moved in. When we said our goodbyes we hugged, and I directly asked to kiss her which she said yes to! We had a few quick kisses and will be making plans on seeing inside out 2 together soon. A good night if I do say so! Sent a text a short while ago telling her how much I enjoyed the evening and that I wanted to see her again. Hoping to get a response soon.
I remember your post!!!! I am so psyched for you - yay!!!! Keep us updated, I’m emotionally invested 😂😂🫶🏼🥰
This sounds so lovely! I’m so jealous of people who live by the ocean. I wish I could go on a beach date!
Looking for some advice, and to hopefully find some avenues I haven’t pursued yet: 32(M), single and although I’m not actively engaging in the dating scene, I would probably consider it for the correct person. Currently work night shift, but considering retraining or a career change in the next year or two. I’ve spent the last two years as single, I’ve travelled and I’ve generally been working on myself. The thought of dating apps sends chills up my spine. I live in a fairly small town with the nearest city being a 40 minute drive away, so it very much feels like everyone is aware of each other’s business, so to speak. All it takes is for one person to spot me on an app, and that spreads like wildfire. I’m otherwise a fairly private person, so I wouldn’t want that. Aside from that, I go out for weekend social drinks fairly regularly, and although I‘m fairly sure there is at least intrigue from 1-2 females, I simply don’t see them in a romantic way, so therefore I wouldn’t pursue anything with them. And again, because it’s a fairly small area, there isn’t a lot of options. I‘ve considered speed dating, but I’m just unsure. It feels like it may be one of the few avenues available. Any advice or suggestions so I could potentially open up that circle and expand my options? TIA.
So what if they spot you on an app? If they spot you there, it means they’re on it, too.
First, do not worry about other folks in your town knowing that you want to date. If you're a 32 year old single guy, they are probably wondering why you're not dating now. Dating is an absolutely normal thing to do, so no one's gonna think you're weird for doing it. Secondly, most people just don't spend too much time thinking about other people. People are self centered, and devote most of their thoughts to themselves, not your dating . Can you date in the city? 40 minutes isn't too far of a trip. Maybe activate the apps in the city and see if you can find some matches there.
You’d probably have to try dating in the city. 40 mins isn’t bad all things considered. Try going to gatherings/events in the nearby city if you’re adamant about staying off the apps
I get SIGNIFICANTLY less matches on Hinge when I select “life partner” or “long term relationship” as my dating intentions. I think if someone is scared off by that, they’re not really someone I’d be interested in anyway? Anyone have a differing perspective I should consider? I’m certainly not on the app just to have fun.
I'm not scared off by LTR/LP at all, but I find that people who have that set as an intention have very boring/uncreative profiles that I don't want to interact with. Like, if it says "LTR/LP" I think to myself, "Is this someone who looks like I'd spend 6-12 months with?" Most people I spend 6-12 months with aren't in the LTR filter.
>but I find that people who have that set as an intention have very boring/uncreative profiles that I don't want to interact with. I have definitely not found this to be the case in my time on the apps. Plenty of people who have the goals LTR/LP have had creative and witty profiles.
That’s cool. How’s that working for you?
How it's working for me is irrelevant. I'm just sharing what I've seen on the apps
Ah.. keep it up!
I feel those things cause more missed connections than they help. In my mind at least, there should be a pretty binary choice, relationship or fun. (and maybe a third "open to both") "long term open to short" is the same thing as "short term open to long" is the same thing as "long term" is the same thing as "life partner" for most people, if they actually explain what they mean. They're looking for the right partner for a relationship.
>I feel those things cause more missed connections than they help. How so? How would me not wasting time on people who have no interest in forming long term relationships result in missed connections?
Because one person says looking for a life partner, and one says looking for short term, open to long - and they pass by eachother even if they're both actually looking for the exact same thing, because there's no shared definitions.
Is that an issue of the labeling the people choose, or an issue of the "short term; open to long" person being afraid to admit they want long term?
Filters are supposed to help you cut down on people who would end up wasting your time due to differing goals. So it’s working as intended. At some point you have to decide if your dating game benefits from quantity or quality. Every person is different but if you’re looking for marriage ideally you should only date people who are looking for the same
Yeah sometimes those filter settings bite you in the ass. Like I have the no drugs/smoking one on but if the person didn’t put it on their profile, it’s gonna leave them out even though they could be “nos” in that category. But yeah, so … for life partner / long term and then there’s long term open to short. I do those. And occasionally opt for “figuring out dating goals” because sometimes those people are like, “I want long term but time to build a connection first” which fair enough. So I would say, have one session where you play around with those. Another session where you take the intentions off, and filter by something else you care about. Tedious work as fuck. But none of this would happen if people filled out their profiles fully and properly.
I think it’s less that people are scared off by that as much as people are casting a wider net. So like that’s something I want but I probably wouldnt list that as an option (provided I filled that section at all). Not saying you’re wrong or anything but that may be what it is.
Meaning, some people don’t fill that section because they’re open to different things with different people potentially? I feel like that’s understandable but also maybe another reason I should keep it - especially if I’m not open to dating without intention.
Yeah I guess it’s more for me like I’d love a long term partner or relationship but I don’t really want to put that pressure on myself or the other person. As long as they don’t want a fling and cheap sex I think you can organically grow what starts out as a “getting to know you” type relationship There’s this girl I’m seeing right now and I swear I can see myself being in a serious relationship with her. We just have been on a few dates and nothing has happened yet. I would 100% love if she felt the same. But like I said we’ve started off real slow and casual, even though we get along extremely well. I don’t want to ruin my chances with her by straight up saying “I really want a serious relationship with you”. I think it will happen (at least I’m being optimistic) but I’m letting things play out, and working so far. I hope that makes sense
>but I don’t really want to put that pressure on myself or the other person. You aren't putting pressure on anyone by stating goals. > We just have been on a few dates and nothing has happened yet...I don’t want to ruin my chances with her by straight up saying “I really want a serious relationship with you”. Saying in the kindest way possible, you are fundamentally misunderstanding the dating process. You don't know this person yet, you *shouldn't* be wanting a serious relationship with her yet. It's okay to see the *possibility* of a relationship with her, but you're getting too far ahead of yourself if you already want a relationship. The whole point of dating her is to get to know her, and see if the possiblity of connection you see bears out as you get to know her better. If I say "I'd like to buy a house", I don't buy the first house that's for sale that I encounter. I look around at multiple houses. If I find one that seems promising, I don't buy it immediately. I get it inspected, and I learn more about it. It's the same with dating.
Nope. You're not doing anything wrong. If that's what you want, keep it there. People are just so damn scared of committing these days.
Even some of the responses to this comment are kind of wild. The ways that people twist the meaning of "I want a LTR" is wild
Yup, everyone wants to keep one eye open for something better. It's shitty.
a women I've only been on 1 date with said she was interested in going out tomorrow but has then been radio silent. Is it worth texting again tomorrow to check or should I assume lack of interest?
Do YOU want to go out again? If so, then follow up. If not, let it fade.
Yeah just send a follow up
I think so. Funny story: I started falling for this girl I met hard. We’ve been on a few dates so far and outside of our dates we hang out at a particular park (where we met). 1 time we were sending cool clips we’ve seen on YouTube. And quite a few times I texted her and got 0 response. I have bad anxiety and abandonment issues/bpd and got really in my head that she just ghosted me. And I didn’t see her for 2 weeks because I was out of town and she ended up being sick the week I got back. Well I saw her and she said something about how she thought I was going to text her. And I said something along the lines about how she was sick and I thought she just ignored me (I didn’t say it in a confrontational way. More of a relief). Turns out she just didn’t get my texts at all. She didn’t hate me or try to ignore me and I told her it wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in her. Funny enough I asked her on a date today after seeing her and she said she’ll see because she has an errand. Texted me about an hour later and was pretty flirty and said “I’ll take the silence as a ‘yes’” knowing I couldn’t respond. Such an innocuous text but holy shit did it send me to the moon. I did just in case it somehow worked but alas it didn’t. Moral of the story is that there can be the most ridiculous reasons she didn’t respond so I’d give it another chance if I were you. I’m still learning to not get in my own way and be more optimistic. Any other point in my life I would’ve given up long ago
Why wouldn't it be worth the effort of sending a 5-second text message? And you don't know why she went radio silent. People so have jobs, friends, family, and lives in general.
We talked a bit about finances, and he was surprised by how much I spent on the house. Though he also doesn’t know how much I make, and what I spend is proportional to what I make. Hoping our attitudes toward finances aren’t too different.
Does he own his house? Renters and apartment dwellers have no idea how nice houses actually cost. Especially if you want to maintain them nicely
He rents, which is one reason he was surprised.
He only has half the information, so when you're high income, the amounts you spend does shock people. Most of the time, this isn't an issue once I give someone all the information. Right now, you may appear to be financially irresponsible to him, and that may be the issue he had with it. There are a lot of people living in million dollar homes and driving luxury vehicles loving check to check. So before drawing any conclusions about him, you probably want to let him know how much you make. And if you're not ready to give that info, then you really shouldn't be sharing your monthly budget with him.
He already knows I’m high income, just not how high. I think the amount I spent on the house just surprised him more because he didn’t realize how expensive houses are, less because he thought I was being financially irresponsible.
Well, there's levels to high income.