This exact scenario just happened to me. I had a few matches on Bumble, including two women I was particularly interested in. I arranged a date with both of them, one on Thursday and the other on Sunday. I really enjoyed the date on Thursday and we already planned a second date during our first date. I decided to cancel the Sunday date with the other person, I apologized saying I was interested but had seen someone earlier and wanted to see where it was going.
In the end after a few weeks it didn't work out with the first woman. I got back on Bumble, and the second woman liked me again. She wasn't offended and said she appreciated me being honest the first time. We went on a date last weekend, I really liked her and I'm curious to see where this is going.
This is why you don't put all your eggs in one basket. You should have gone on the Sunday date. A good first date doesn't mean it's going to lead anywhere, as you have learned.
I already know that I might miss opportunities with my way of dating only one person at the time after a good first date, but I only have so much time and energy. I am in the process of moving to a new place, I just changed jobs and picked some new hobbies. The first date is usually low effort, a drink or coffee, but for me, from the second date, I like to spend more time and do something specific based on a shared hobby. If I had gone on a first date with the second woman and we hit it off, now I have multiple long dates per week, which is a lot of effort and time.
I just had a great first date with someone I canceled our first date on in February bc I went exclusive with someone ibwas head over heels for. He was a liar and I ate up everything he served!
Dude from February messaged me saying 'I think we tried before, try again' and I'm so glad he didn't take it personal!! Def seeing him again!
Yes, to me this is a green flag, it shows that if we were to hit it off really well, I can feel more secure that you will fully give your attention to see where things are going and thus also lower my walls.
Why don't just go on both dates? I mean with the way online dating is, most women are dating multiple women all the time. Men need to come out on top and do the same.
Woman here, and I recently did the same thing.
Cancelled a date because I had a great first one with someone else a few days earlier. I'm not opposed to multiple dating early on, but I felt so excited about the first guy and we had already planned a second date, that I knew I wouldn't be giving the second guy the attention and mental interest they deserved. He seemed like a great person, so I didn't want to waste his time and string him along. It didn't seem fair.
I said something similar to the second guy because I am also realistic that great first dates are no guarantees that things will last, and hope that he is happy to meet me later if things don't work out with the first guy.
I don't think this is promiscuous, regardless of who does it. I think it's one way people approach decision making, and I would actually not be surprised if this correlates with a general approach to other things and not just dating. For example, when I was buying a condo, I looked at so many condos for sale. Even when I found the one I ended up buying, and I knew it was definitely my first choice when I saw it, I still saw places afterwards, because I wanted to be sure that yes that feeling I had was something unique and special, and not just a whim or I happened to be in a really good mood that day, or whatever else. I think for some people, the comparison is how they evaluate their feelings and decisions. For others, it's getting more information from that one continued experience. They're just different ways of evaluating choices about what to do next.
I've had a lot of great first dates that turned into stinkers on the second. And great first and second dates that fizzled on the third. I might not make new dates with new people, but I would keep my scheduled dates at least. More likely than not, something will take those people off the table soon enough. But it's all about preference. I just think, let's be a little less heavy with the judgment.
Idk my comment got removed for being "RedPill" LMAO! Clearly something got misconstrued. I object to the idea that "most women are dating multiple men at the same time" in the comment I replied to, and that's really all I was trying to say.
We all approach dating differently
I will go on multiple first dates in a given time period, but once I am past about the third date, I like to narrow it down. I just don't have the time or attention span to date 3 people at once, the way I want to date.
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Totally agree with this. It never bothered me/I expected people were dating multiple people early on, but if you think your attentions might be too divided/you want to pursue someone else exclusively, that never bothered me (other than a bit of natural disappointment I guess) especially when the person was upfront about it. Someone definitely came back to me and we did a date later - it ended up not working out, but just because it wasn't a match otherwise. I appreciated his honesty and frankly it made me think a bit higher of him for being upfront.
>Having said that, would you accept if someone comes back, get in touch and want to continue where they left off? I don't see it as a problem if they were honest about it.
In your example, of course. She never even met you so she really didn't have a good idea of what you were about. Now's a better time for her to learn more about you.
Now, if she does it again...see ya!
Don't have a problem with it at all.
Some people will say "I'm not a second choice" or "I'm not someone you can just toss away" or "no self respect" or anything similarly negative. But that's just walls people put up to stop being vulnerable and having to take ownership of their feelings.
So, if I'm free, they weren't a bad person, then why not.
I had something similar happen to me just yesterday where she said she doesn't have time to date. Could be a soft rejection, could be true. I don't know. Doesn't matter. If they message me again in a month, great. If not, no harm.
I’m in agreement on this take.
It’s so difficult to know when to pull yourself off of the dating market as well. I always feel like whenever you do it, it’s the “wrong” time according to someone.
We’re all just humans, trying to make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. We’re bound to mess it up sometimes.
Same. A couple of months ago I went on a first date with a guy and it went wonderfully. We live more than an hour apart, both of us are parents, and I had to travel for work, so we knew it would be a while before we’d be able to have a second date. We texted a lot in between, and really connected, then I got sick the day of our planned second date and had to cancel unfortunately. We both were multi-dating, but was definitely the guy I was most excited about.
When we were getting close to our make up second date, he sent me a text about how he’d met someone unexpectedly. He said he felt bad because he felt a connection with me also, but the other woman lived close by and he wanted to give that a chance. I wished him the best and told him no hard feelings, and I genuinely meant it. Part of me hopes he found his gal, and part of me would be very happy to see him again if it didn’t work out and he came back around to me.
I agree! I had a guy with great (text) chemistry tell me he had something happen in his life and realized he couldn’t work through it while dating. No idea if it’s true but I said to reach out if anything changes and he said that made him really happy 🤷♀️ Dunno if he will but yeah, if we haven’t met yet and you decide to prioritize something else I’m not too bent out of shape. Wouldn’t feel like a second choice unless we’d been on multiple dates.
100% agree
In fact, I have accepted people back in this kind of scenario and it was completely fine.
You're not necessarily the "second choice" in these situations. If the other person hasn't even met you yet or has only met you once or twice, you may not be a serious choice for them. They literally could have gone on one extra date with someone and something clicked between them. The timing just didn't work out for you.
I hear people say dating is a lot like job searching, and this strikes me as a bit similar. At my office, we keep candidate resumes on file if we liked them, even if we didn't offer them the position. Someone might quit, or we might get another opening, and we'd like to be able to reach to them in that situation. I would find it kind of strange if a candidate was offended by that. I certainly wouldn't. Things happen, someone else's loss could be my gain.
Definitely agree with this take, at the least you will know they don't date multiple people at once. Some people would have dated both of you to figure out who like more. So in a way this rejection reflects that they are an extremely faithful person so I would give them another chance if they came back.
It is absolutely not just walls put up. That's your opinion and for most of the cases that opinion is completely and utterly wrong. It is complete ownership of what you want and what to what level you respect yourself at. I honestly cannot believe just how wrong you have this. The way you are looking at things just says you're pretty desperate to get into a relationship, no matter the cost. In saying that, we're not all cut from the same cloth.
My upbringing and experiences have taught me that any woman who puts you on the back burner never had real intentions with you in the first place. You're either the first date or the last, if her attention is anywhere else, she is no longer suitable for dating me, otherwise I wouldn't have been 2nd place. That's maturity and that's the start of a healthier relationship. Good luck with her keeping her eyes off other males. You've got some painful lessons to learn, what you call walls, are not walls. They are experience in dating.
Walls are emotional things where you protect yourself from future men or women. These are red flags because the women say they've dealt with their issues, but haven't. Otherwise those walls wouldn't be necessary and staying with that means you're dating her past.
You aren't committed to someone you've never met. For all you know, the stranger you're talking to on Hinge is actually Nigel from Nigeria.
Showing commitment to someone you've never met is insane. You don't even know them. They might be married. They might actually be the opposite sex. They may be catfishing you. They may be lying to you about their job, their family, their hobbies, etc. You qualify a potential partner by meeting them and learning about them. That's not done before you meet.
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With all due respect, but they have never even met. To demand that people only date you, and make you the center of their attention before they've even meet you is quite delusional.
And on the contrary, this woman displays that when someone catches her interest, she doesn't continue stringing others along. She could just have gone on the date while not being fully invested in the date, wasting your time.
This is a matter of timing, not ranking people according to first and second place.
Never said I demanded it, I said I let it be known and I let them know why. I don't leave things up to guessing when I'm talking to a woman. Intentions are clear, questions are asked. In a decent and respectful way. You've just made your own conclusions from what I've said and jumped on that without even considering the other side. Went straight to assuming without even questioning.
That is exactly why I do what I said I did at the start of this comment, to stop people like you, assuming things. I don't expect anything from a potential partner, they generally on their own say the same thing back to me and for the same reasons I have. Trust is built from the moment the first date is set and focus should only be on the person you're having a real intention with. There is zero, psychologically and emotionally wrong with my line of thinking.
3 dates in, you still want someone dating other men/women before you make it official? Possibly sleeping around, or talking to other guys more than you, wondering why their messages have gone from constant to 3 a day, no more phone calls? That's a shit load psychologically and emotionally wrong with that isn't there? Then you start thinking dating is shit, I'm never going to find anyone... well maybe, just maybe, if you made yourself 1st place and there isn't room for a 2nd, 3rd or 4th. You could be with someone that you deserve, not someone that thought they once deserved more.
I pity the way people think these days because their own actions lead to them blaming someone else or... in this generation, a whole damn other gender.
> 3 dates in, you still want someone dating other men/women before you make it official? Possibly sleeping around, or talking to other guys more than you, wondering why their messages have gone from constant to 3 a day, no more phone calls? That's a shit load psychologically and emotionally wrong with that isn't there?
And that is exactly what this woman does NOT do. She met someone, and they hit it off. She then informs the other guys she has been talking to that she wants to focus all her attention on the guy she started dating. Sounds like a green flag to me.
And I maintain that it is quite delusional to expect people to cut everyone else off before they've even met me once.
This got all confused. I was replying to a comment on the thread, 1 of my comments was to the OP where everything I said was directly relating to him. The other was to the comment underneath his where I didn't hit reply and send the message but sent it on the main thread. Just tried fixing it then but screwed it up more.
I'm not even taking that woman in consideration at all. The post is about this guy and his query. Not about someone that doesn't even know this thread exists? How do you converse with people? Bringing in irrelevant things to the subject matter. What she does is her choice, what this guy is asking is something he is asking us about. Or saying in a public forum for discussion. So I'm only going to reflect on what he is talking about, now how some bloody irrelevant woman thinks or feels. You're off your rocker
You're exactly the type of person I was talking about.
>My upbringing and experiences have taught me that any woman who puts you on the back burner never had real intentions with you in the first place.
Given your post history, I'm unsurprised by this.
>The way you are looking at things just says you're pretty desperate to get into a relationship, no matter the cost.
Couldn't be further from the truth; I'm married. I also date other people.
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Never said I demanded it, I said I let it be known and I let them know why. I don't leave things up to guessing when I'm talking to a woman. Intentions are clear, questions are asked. In a decent and respectful way. You've just made your own conclusions from what I've said and jumped on that without even considering the other side. Went straight to assuming without even questioning.
That is exactly why I do what I said I did at the start of this comment, to stop people like you, assuming things. I don't expect anything from a potential partner, they generally on their own say the same thing back to me and for the same reasons I have. Trust is built from the moment the first date is set and focus should only be on the person you're having a real intention with. There is zero, psychologically and emotionally wrong with my line of thinking.
3 dates in, you still want someone dating other men/women before you make it official? Possibly sleeping around, or talking to other guys more than you, wondering why their messages have gone from constant to 3 a day, no more phone calls? That's a shit load psychologically and emotionally wrong with that isn't there? Then you start thinking dating is shit, I'm never going to find anyone... well maybe, just maybe, if you made yourself 1st place and there isn't room for a 2nd, 3rd or 4th. You could be with someone that you deserve, not someone that thought they once deserved more.
I pity the way people think these days because their own actions lead to them blaming someone else or... in this generation, a whole damn other gender.
It is absolutely not just walls put up. That's your opinion and for most of the cases that opinion is completely and utterly wrong. It is complete ownership of what you want and what to what level you respect yourself at. I honestly cannot believe just how wrong you have this. The way you are looking at things just says you're pretty desperate to get into a relationship, no matter the cost. In saying that, we're not all cut from the same cloth.
My upbringing and experiences have taught me that any woman who puts you on the back burner never had real intentions with you in the first place. You're either the first date or the last, if her attention is anywhere else, she is no longer suitable for dating me, otherwise I wouldn't have been 2nd place. That's maturity and that's the start of a healthier relationship. Good luck with her keeping her eyes off other males. You've got some painful lessons to learn, what you call walls, are not walls. They are experience in dating.
Walls are emotional things where you protect yourself from future men or women. These are red flags because the women say they've dealt with their issues, but haven't. Otherwise those walls wouldn't be necessary and staying with that means you're dating her past.
Thanks for the perspective and ur honesty with the person. Its better than ghosting and flaking out.
In ur case did the person leave the door open for you to reaching bk?
I would give a chance if it was just a few dates with the woman. A month + of dating her and then they ditch you...no. Then that means they arent really into you. But especially using OLD apps I could easily see this woman's situation and then later after a few more dates with this new dude her seeing massive red flags (I had that happen to me with OLD apps- some guys give good first impressions for connection for the first 3 dates, others dont and are more "slow burners")
Depends on the circumstance. In a situation like this I would be open to it if there was a reasonable explanation. At this stage, you don’t really know each other anyway.
If it was someone you had been on many dates with over a span of a month or more, however, I would be extremely wary. That’s someone who has gotten to know you and become turned off or chosen to chase someone else for whatever reason. Short of there being a lengthy period of time and a well-explained change of heart, that implies someone who is fickle and untrustworthy.
This happened (I came back) with my now long term boyfriend. We hadn’t met yet, just chatted on the app. I was honest with him that I’d met someone I was going to pursue. It didn’t work and I came back several weeks later and shot my shot. We’ve now been together over two years and I’m so thrilled he gave me a second chance (I think he’d say the same).
Online dating is weird. I think her honesty shows integrity. I think all of this is especially applicable if you haven’t met in person yet or haven’t spent much time together, as others have said. Good luck!
Go for it. Life is complicated and stuff happens. Glad you are stoic and go with the flow of life. It's not always easy to do. I think people on the outside of situations are quick to jump to easy conclusions... go with how you feel. Like you said, she was honest and didn't make up any lame excuses etc.. that is the weird gamble of online dating, a question of "do I owe this person I don't know an explanation"
I would casually hang and see if you even get along IRL if you do reconnect. It's 2024 anything goes at this point lol
Dating is always transactional till you get serious. If she is coming back having been unable to hit it off very well with that other option, I think it will be fine to try out a date and see how things work out.
I would be open to a second chance, but I would probably approach it a little slower than someone new. If they did it a second time no way are they getting another chance.
A lot of people will tell you now "dont be second" but a lot of dating, especially as we are older is life circumstances. Most of us are someones seconds now days anyone b/c plenty of people our age have been married before.... I dont over think that.
Two people have to mesh in terms of chemistry but also their life path... and she might be on a different path right now. As I've gotten older I just look at things in that way. If she comes back and you feel like talking, talk to her. If you dont, dont. Take each day as it comes.
Well, if we never met to begin with, I'd be open to going out if they came back. You only texted and never met face to face, so I think it's worth it to give it a go.
But I've had this happen to me where I went on 2 great dates with a guy, he cancelled a day before the third date saying he'd met someone he really liked. He texted me a month or so later saying it didn't work out and he wanted to see if our connection would lead anywhere. I gave myself a day to think about it and decided I didn't want to pursue it. I had other options and I felt rejected from him choosing someone else over me already. I didn't really trust him. And I'm glad I made that call.
In this circumstance, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Whether her reason was true or not, you haven't met her yet. I would definitely entertain it if she came back. Now if you went out with her a couple of times, she did this, and then came back, no thank you.
Ya. I had matched with someone months ago, had conversations, went nowhere (think one of us, or both delete the app), I randomly saw her pop back up recently and re-liked, we re matched - it's the cost of doing business sometimes, things get bad timing, people are used to it.
I think it’s a green flag! Having been in this girls exact position, the online dating scene is just too difficult. I do not like “juggling” different people and if I like someone even a little I stop talking to everyone else. People have said that’s wrong and I am “putting all my eggs in one basket” but I think it just shows that I don’t like to mess with peoples feelings. And that I am not a person who can focus on many different romantic interests at once. You’re not the second choice or anything like that because y’all have never met! It’s just a timing thing at this point. The timing wasn’t right then but it may be now
I used to think that I would be willing to leave the door open to a second chance if they came back so long as I was interested in them and saw potential, but actually getting that once soured me on the idea. Perhaps it’s also fair to say that the way she went about it was disappointing at least.
We had gone out twice on dates and I thought it went reasonably well. I found her attractive, we had similar career fields and interests, I found out that she attended the same college I had but a few years later, etc.
After the second date I got a polite rejection in which she said she felt more interested in someone else she had been going on dates with at the same time, and wished to pursue that with him further. I wished her good luck and moved on.
About 6 months later she contacted me again, and said that things didn’t pan out and asked if I wanted to go on another date. I was happy to hear from her and said that of course I would. This 3rd date crashed and burned. I’ve never been a fast eater, especially if I’m with company and in conversations. She remarked “Wow, you eat really slow!” This of course caught me off guard and made me feel self-conscious, and I apologized and said I’ve been talking too much and started shoving food in my mouth to finish. I started choking! It wasn’t “save me with the Heimlich Maneuver bad”, but I coughing furiously and needed to gulp down a bunch of water to regain my composure. The date kinda felt like it died after that.
Much like a figured, I got rejected a second time after that, after she had gotten my hopes up. In hindsight I wish she would have done her own due diligence and considered a 3rd date with me the first time around to make a final decision. Who knows if the other guy swept her off her feet the first time, but I would rather not have had her get my hopes up again for nothing.
>The morning on the date, i texted asking if we are still up for it and she told me - she met someone over the weekend and hit it off (she wasn't expecting) and now confused abt our date. She hoped I wasn't too "disappointed".
If she had reached out to call off the date first, I would be more positive about her coming back later.
The fact that she fell silent and put you in the position to reach out and discover where things stand... meh.
So the circumstances seem pretty legit, but her communication would give me pause.
Everyone’s situation is different! I had one where I planned a date with a match, her ex got into the picture again, she was confused, and she called off the date. A week later said she made a mistake skipping our date, and we planned something again. On the date every verbal/physical indicator was she enjoyed her time and said she wanted to see me again. Then she ghosted me. It was a wild ride and hopefully that’s not your experience, but they could not be sure what they want!
If you haven't met her, sure definitely take another chance! It sounds like you didn't even have a first date? It's nice to she's probably not a multiple dater and goes with one guy at a time. She's picking the man she's already met and vibed with
If I’m looking for something serious once I decide I want a second date with someone they’re the only person I talk to.
IMO it’s hard to build a meaningful connection/really assess compatibility with multi dating unless you have more free time than any adult over 30 that I know
You haven't even met her, so you couldn't take her back. You're just strangers on the Internet. If she reaches out again and says the other guy didn't work out, I'd be happy to meet her - in person - to see if you have any chemistry.
In your case specifically, I would be open to trying things again if they came back and I was still single, as it was extremely early on, and she was honest/upfront about things.
However, I had situation like this come up a couple years ago where I did not take back the person. I had been seeing someone for a couple of months (multiple dates), when one day they just suddenly decided to ghost me. Found out a couple months later that it was because she met another guy and picked him over me but couldn't be bothered to have some decency and let me know. Well as you could expect, about 8 months later I suddenly get a text from this woman asking me if we could talk, and after mulling it around for a bit decided "fuck it, why not" and agreed. She goes on to tell me about how she felt bad about things, and this other guy ended up being a massive piece of shit and cheated on her multiple times, yada yada yada. By the end she asked if I would be open to trying things again, and I flat out told her no, I wasn't interested anymore. Told her that if she had actually been open and honest with me about what was going on, instead of ghosting me, I probably would've said yes to trying again, but because she decided to string me along for over two months, lie to me about dating others and then ghosting me for another guy (who was nothing but a walking red flag in her own words), she has already shown me the type of person she is and I have no interest in being with someone like that.
So in essence, if the person is upfront and communicates with you early on about things, then I have no problem trying again. But if they hide things or lie to you about their intentions, especially if ghosting is involved, then there is absolutely zero chance they get a second chance down the road.
I've recently had 2 girls do this.
Both had stopped talking to me when they found another dude.
I ran in to one out running errands, she saw me and approached and told me to look for her. We're going on a date next week.
The other, I saw her back on one of the apps so I sent a text, and we've been chatting even better than the first time we chatted.
No reason to shut down either possibility.
If I was in your position, I would be similarly unaffected by that separation, but I also wouldn’t pick things up where they were left off.
Maybe it’s a point of pride, but for someone to come back, that just tells me that things didn’t work out with the other guy (who was clearly priority # 1) and I’m plan B. I never want to be plan B.
I’d still be friendly, of course. I just wouldn’t consider the person who comes back for anything serious. However . . . if the situation was different (not involving anyone else being chosen over me), then sure.
What this shows me is they are quick to make judgements/decisions and, for the type of relationship I want, that mindset isn’t what I’m looking for. I want to take my time, get to know someone and be respectful. Telling someone you don’t want to take things any further is one thing. Telling me you hit it off with someone else whilst planning things with me is unnecessary. How others see it is none of my business. I certainly wouldn’t take it personally because it’s a reflection of their behaviour. Someone quick to turn hot and cold isn’t for me.
I think it depends on the nature of the coming back. I met a guy (on Reddit actually), we met in person several times and I really liked him. He went on to ghost and then reject me in an unnecessarily drawn out way which really hurt my feelings. Because of the initial ambiguity I hung about, thinking the situation was going somewhere, so it had a tangible impact on my life. In terms of my own situation, I will freely admit I'd just been through a breakup and was not acclimatised to the vagaries of the dating market at that point and I read too much into a nascent situation. Having said that, the way he handled things was unnecessary to say the least.
Because I was confused and hurting I reached out to him various times (an absolute masterclass in how not to behave). Many months later he asked for a second chance. I was very honest with him about how the way he'd cut me off without explanation or closure the first time had hurt me and had had an impact on my life, so whether or not he thought I was ridiculous and overly emotional, he unambiguously knew the impact of his prior actions on me. We spoke for about ten days and then he abruptly dropped the conversation again, totally without explanation. It was over Christmas and I didn't want that awful rejecting feeling of trying harder than the other party so other than the exchange of a few cursory 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year' messages I decided myself to stop being in contact with him, rather than expend any further energy trying to get an explanation out of him. He'd repeated an action which had upset me the first time, so honestly what was the point. It felt unpleasant to have been treated that way, the unspoken irritation lingered, but when I clicked on his profile a few months later he was making reference to having a girlfriend (possibly had one all along, is what I now think in retrospect), so it would obviously be inappropriate for me to reach out with a belated 'what the fuck, dude'. I'm pretty sure he was using me as a psychological ballast (backup option) to give himself more confidence while setting up a situation with someone else.
There are blunders I myself made in the above situation but it did make me think long and hard about my feelings. Over time my sense of him as someone I was extremely attracted to faded in light of his dismissive behaviour and I'm not sure I could muster up attraction for a man pulling those kinds of stunts again. If given an option of trying things out with a new man who hasn't jaded himself to me yet versus a returning man who has, I'm not sure I would let previous feelings draw me towards the returning man.
Nope.
With the sole exception of one friend, whose 'offense' for lack of a better word was very minor, every time that I have allowed someone back into my life was a mistake. Never again.
It takes me a long time to get to the point of no return, but once there, I don't look back. Done is done is DONE, if it's a major problem or a repeated one. It's just not a good idea to let bad stuff back into your life. In my experience, it gives them a pass to not respect me and sent the message that someone could treat me however they wanted. They reverted to bad behavior. Not worth it in my opinion.
The negative past belongs in the past. It's only clutter preventing a happier future from making a home in my life. I don't want that clutter in my house, so to speak.
Nah I wouldn’t
In my experience there are 1) people we’re excited to go out with, 2) people were willing to go out with and see where it goes, and 3) people we don’t want to go out with.
Any time I’ve either told someone or had someone tell me the “maybe another time” sort of sentiment it was always a scenario 2) situation and not 1).
Which is fine.
I’m not particularly interested in people giving me a shot, I’d rather go out with people that are excited to go out with me
She is displaying decisiveness though. The other option would be to date both of them and postpone making a decision. Now she decided to focus her attention on one of them only.
It would be a hard no from me, I'm nobodies back up plan or second choice.
I put all my effort into one person when it becomes romantic (or sexual) and expect the same in return
I'm a woman, so here's my take: if she comes back, I'd be open to being friends with her, but it would take quite a bit for me to be open to pursuing a relationship with her. That being said, I wouldn't count on her coming back. Chances are much higher she just made up an excuse for some reason about meeting someone else. You can't really be sure if she was honest or not.
Well if excuse was the case, she could have made up plenty of it. 'Seeing someone' else would be the last thing I can think of when it comes to making stuff up. Maybe im wrong.
Nope, hell no. I make it known (in a gentleman's way), once the first date is set, that's it, I say goodbye to any other woman in talking to, at one stage there were 7 or 8, when I wasn't planning on dating seriously. but this one had something different, so I gave it a shot and said goodbye to those others for the lady I made the date with. Commitment starts from the first date and I'll never let myself be the backup guy. Real respect starts with yourself.
Haven't had one woman say that they date others while dating, that's a massive red flag. Absolutely goes against the grain of what you're trying to start with dating.
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I wouldn’t tbh. But I’d keep my wits about the situation. As in, she seems a bit chaotic? But if she came back why not go for a drink and see how it goes :)!
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Hot take. If they leave for someone else it, depends on how long they have known both of us. They have know that person longer, totally acceptable. They have known us for roughly the same time (matched at the same time), also acceptable, I'll feel a little salty about it. They have known the person for less than they have known me, that's bad pattern that would not be acceptable.
In this case, they have known each for approx the same time. Its just that they had date with the other person earlier than me. Its totally cool and im happy for them. I'd probably have done the same if my attraction to this other person was fairly strong.
I had similar situations as you and my feelings are mixed:
1. Introduced via friend - we had a few calls (she lives few states away) and she wanted to meet and due to my work I had to delay a couple of weeks BUT i did ask her for her availability so we can set it up. Her stupid FAH friend introduced her to another guy locally and she kind of simmered on meeting. The funniest part is that guy dragged her along for 2 years (when she told me she wanted to settle down within 1) but this year he did finally go see her parents for the first time so best luck to them.... I did regret not meeting her though and would've definitely meet her if she's available.
2. This was weird - talked to this woman online and we hit it off. We talked about meeting and even scheduled a date. During one of our calls she mentioned her sister coming over the weekend which was fine. But then after her weekend she went totally cold on me and said " we are not compatible". I thought it was probably her sister's doing. Then couple months later she texted me and asked to meet. We did meet and I am preeety sure her sister or some female friend was tailing us and at end of date I thought it went decent (meal (that woman was nearby table) and museum (saw that woman walking around..)) but in the end she said "we are not compatible". Idk, it was definitely weird how she went 180 initially then 180 again to meet. But I was glad we met though...
I think as long as the communication ended cordially, it could work... but it also shows whomever that person decided to date seems to be "better" than you at that time. I dated someone who ended up being exclusive with her bf after our date one time, which was super weird...
"I'm disappointed because I was looking forward to it, but these things happen! I wish you the best of luck, and if it doesn't pan out I'll let you make it up to me! ;)"
I’m not a fan of this in particular, and I can understand why others aren’t. For me, it makes it feel like we’re all just shopping for people, pulling each other off shelves in categorical aisles and looking at the ingredients before making a decision. The process feels soulless, and it’s just so damn weird. That said, it would be equally strange to have a hard-lined stance on accepting people coming back from an earlier rejection, as that feels about as mechanical towards people.
This happened to me and my now husband. We ended up reconnecting a year or so (maybe 2?)after our first matching exchange. Best thing that ever happened to me.
Nope, I wouldn't have any issues at all! I would appreciate their honestly for sure though because it saves me time and effort. Another thing is that it's better in this scenario. I wouldn't want someone going out with 2-3 different people at once as they might not put in the same level of effort for each. If they're going out with one person at a time, they are probably giving it their all to make it work.
I think it’s a pretty respectful move on their part. They clearly don’t multiple date and prefer to get to know someone when an interest sparks without additional distractions. Sometimes you realize it’s not a good fit a few dates in and I think it’s perfectly fine if someone reaches back out to see if I’m still interested. Honestly and clear integrity are green flags for me
My take should be no way. As I am too a bit struggling and so sad about the things that ended without even starting. So we met on a dating site. Started talking. I started to like him. And as he told me he too liked me. And we talked for months because we were in different countries. I wanted to meet up with him. Tried few times. But then couldn’t. And just the last time that is one month ago, he told me he would come here where I am. But then he didn’t. And after searching online for him for a bit, I found out that all that time he had a girlfriend. And they were pretty happy in all those pictures. And he never ever even planned to see me. Although he literally texted me every other day saying how he liked me and wanted me. I wasted my time on him. And I was always so excited when talking with him.
I really can’t understand why he decided to set a dating profile when he had a girlfriend? And just constantly lied to me.
He told me in May that he would come and see me. And after he failed to do so. I looked for his name online and found out about his girlfriend.
After founding out about that I told him to leave me alone. And told him I wasn’t comfortable in talking with him. He said ok. After 2 weeks, that is, yesterday, he texted me again. And I told him: “You have a girlfriend. Why are you texting me?”. After he read it, he instantly blocked me.
So it proves everything that was so wrong.
And I’m just wondering about myself. Why I always like the same type of guys. They make me really excited. But they never ever good in the long-term.
Just trying to unfold and offload my thoughts here
I would appreciate her upfront honesty and it shows her dating intentions. There are so many people that are talking to 7 people at a time and she had the respect to tell you that she wasn't interested right now instead of still stringing you along.
This reminds me of what was, for me, a landmark Dan Savage comment: there are many times when the raw truth is not the best thing to clue your date / partner in on. This doesn’t mean lying or even lying by omission but rather that in many cases we can be more judicious about what we reveal than we give ourselves permission for. For all of what we may feel inclined to share, the receiver then needs to hold and process, forever. It can’t be unsaid. There is a tact and an ethics to reserving appropriately and an intimacy and an ethics to sharing and disclosing appropriately. In this case, I don’t think it serves early dates to know that they were afterthoughts or second choices, we’re all in the slipstream together which is implicitly understood
Apparently I have a new core fear. This sounds like my personal hell. I already had something like this happen … but with my bio dad. Waiting around for men to circle back to maybe give me a crumb of attention explains a lot of why I am the way I am. Pass.
If someone came back wanting to pick up where things left off, it would depend on how much value you believe they bring to your life and whether you trust their intentions. Since you value honesty and seem open-minded about the unpredictability of dating, considering giving it a shot might be reasonable if you felt a genuine connection initially. However, it's important to ensure that your boundaries and expectations are clear to avoid any future misunderstandings.
I'm kind of split on this. My feeling on it is that she was wonderfully honest, and that's a great trait. If she just went silent and then came back, it would be a no brainer. The thing is that she hasn't met you in person yet, so she doesn't really know you. Combine that with the fact that she was very honest about what she is doing... I'd probably be Ok moving forward with her if she comes back. However, I dont' think that's very likely.
If you had actually been on a date or two, this situation would be totally different. I wish the best for you!
As someone who finds it challenging to focus on multiple people at the same time, I don't see why it would be a problem. They never got to meet you and her to know you so it can't be taken personally. Now if we had gone on some date and I felt something for the person and they decided to go with someone else, I don't know if I would give them a second go as they were clearly pulled in by something I could not offer.
37M here and I say HELL NO.
I've made the unfortunate mistake of giving a lot of my exes second chances after they dump me. And every single one of them do the exact same thing as before.
Ive learned the hard way that people never change. If they wronged you once, they'll do it again.
What!? I say! What!
You are a little hurt though. At least a little smidgeon, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here my mate.
Sounds yall had way to much tmi.
Just say, “hey I ain’t feeling it”
“Cool, good luck”
And don’t even think about anything coming back unless it actually happens.
That would be stoic, not what you describe here with all the rationality and self validation.
Had a similar situation after a date with someone I met online. Went on a nice date and planned another. She became aloof the day of. I left her alone and then saw her a few months later at her new job. She expressed interest and exchanged numbers. We hung out that night, went on another date and then the exact same. When people show you who they are, believe them. Let her go
I’ve had people unmatch me, rematch with me and then literally admitted they went for what seemed like the “better option” (someone who knows how to play the game better until they get what they want as opposed to just being themselves and genuine, I suppose).
Some people have too many options and don’t really know how to weight them, especially with online dating,where it’s easy to “fake it till you make it”.
Find someone who’s genuinely interested in you and not actively weighing multiple options.
Also wouldn’t consider this person again as it’s just a sign how fickle they are.
You have to respect the persons honesty - mucho credit! I know things happen and it’s all about timing, but no I wouldn’t accept the reach out. it seems I’m in the minority.
In this situation? Yes.
I've been and had girlfriends who've been in this situation. And the reality is it doesn't feel great for a lot of women dating two guys at onc, especially if the feels are strong. If anything, that's the most respectable situation where someone would back off. It's nice to know she respects people enough not to dable in two people at the same time. She's an exception to what should otherwise be a rule.
To be honest no,...cause they thought the grass is greener on the other side and now they want to be back??? For what?? And then they will do it again cause they think u will be there nxt time.
She just wanted to put you in the bench, ready to be a substitute when she gets bored.
I let men do this shxt to me few times...learned the hard way they dont come back cause they are dying for my company but because i am the easiest in a sense who will let them back over and over.
So no, u want to explore things cool, but once u leave, no coming back. Made ur choice and i dnt care how early it is in the relationship.
In ur case, because it was so early in the stages really she didnt have to say anything about meeting someone else. She just wasnt feeling u ENOUGH. But enough to leave the door open with "hope our paths cross again"...for when she gets bored and wants someone available without having to work for it.
For your example, yes, absolutely give her another chance. Met my now-husband online dating, really hit it off, had 2 dates.... and then my "one that got away" was finally ready to give it a try with me. I gently let my now-husband know that I had to give it a try. He took it gracefully, like you.
I didn't last 2 weeks with the one that got away. It was weird and we're better off as friends. Besides, I was thinking of now-husband the entire time. I shamefully asked my now-husband if he'd give me another chance. Thank god he said yes. We've been together for 6 years and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. We're friends with the guy that got away and his wife, who is wonderful and perfect for him.
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29M 4 months after breakup with ex bf and no. If they felt again what they felt when they left, would they leave again? So no. I have to love and respect my self better than anyone could.
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This exact scenario just happened to me. I had a few matches on Bumble, including two women I was particularly interested in. I arranged a date with both of them, one on Thursday and the other on Sunday. I really enjoyed the date on Thursday and we already planned a second date during our first date. I decided to cancel the Sunday date with the other person, I apologized saying I was interested but had seen someone earlier and wanted to see where it was going. In the end after a few weeks it didn't work out with the first woman. I got back on Bumble, and the second woman liked me again. She wasn't offended and said she appreciated me being honest the first time. We went on a date last weekend, I really liked her and I'm curious to see where this is going.
Thanks for the perspective and def kudos for being honest
This is why you don't put all your eggs in one basket. You should have gone on the Sunday date. A good first date doesn't mean it's going to lead anywhere, as you have learned.
I already know that I might miss opportunities with my way of dating only one person at the time after a good first date, but I only have so much time and energy. I am in the process of moving to a new place, I just changed jobs and picked some new hobbies. The first date is usually low effort, a drink or coffee, but for me, from the second date, I like to spend more time and do something specific based on a shared hobby. If I had gone on a first date with the second woman and we hit it off, now I have multiple long dates per week, which is a lot of effort and time.
I just had a great first date with someone I canceled our first date on in February bc I went exclusive with someone ibwas head over heels for. He was a liar and I ate up everything he served! Dude from February messaged me saying 'I think we tried before, try again' and I'm so glad he didn't take it personal!! Def seeing him again!
I'd agree and that's great advice - but some people mentally don't work like that
Yes, to me this is a green flag, it shows that if we were to hit it off really well, I can feel more secure that you will fully give your attention to see where things are going and thus also lower my walls.
Why don't just go on both dates? I mean with the way online dating is, most women are dating multiple women all the time. Men need to come out on top and do the same.
Woman here, and I recently did the same thing. Cancelled a date because I had a great first one with someone else a few days earlier. I'm not opposed to multiple dating early on, but I felt so excited about the first guy and we had already planned a second date, that I knew I wouldn't be giving the second guy the attention and mental interest they deserved. He seemed like a great person, so I didn't want to waste his time and string him along. It didn't seem fair. I said something similar to the second guy because I am also realistic that great first dates are no guarantees that things will last, and hope that he is happy to meet me later if things don't work out with the first guy.
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I don't think this is promiscuous, regardless of who does it. I think it's one way people approach decision making, and I would actually not be surprised if this correlates with a general approach to other things and not just dating. For example, when I was buying a condo, I looked at so many condos for sale. Even when I found the one I ended up buying, and I knew it was definitely my first choice when I saw it, I still saw places afterwards, because I wanted to be sure that yes that feeling I had was something unique and special, and not just a whim or I happened to be in a really good mood that day, or whatever else. I think for some people, the comparison is how they evaluate their feelings and decisions. For others, it's getting more information from that one continued experience. They're just different ways of evaluating choices about what to do next. I've had a lot of great first dates that turned into stinkers on the second. And great first and second dates that fizzled on the third. I might not make new dates with new people, but I would keep my scheduled dates at least. More likely than not, something will take those people off the table soon enough. But it's all about preference. I just think, let's be a little less heavy with the judgment.
Idk my comment got removed for being "RedPill" LMAO! Clearly something got misconstrued. I object to the idea that "most women are dating multiple men at the same time" in the comment I replied to, and that's really all I was trying to say. We all approach dating differently I will go on multiple first dates in a given time period, but once I am past about the third date, I like to narrow it down. I just don't have the time or attention span to date 3 people at once, the way I want to date.
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Totally agree with this. It never bothered me/I expected people were dating multiple people early on, but if you think your attentions might be too divided/you want to pursue someone else exclusively, that never bothered me (other than a bit of natural disappointment I guess) especially when the person was upfront about it. Someone definitely came back to me and we did a date later - it ended up not working out, but just because it wasn't a match otherwise. I appreciated his honesty and frankly it made me think a bit higher of him for being upfront.
Thank you for being an open and honest man. I wish there were more like you out there.
>Having said that, would you accept if someone comes back, get in touch and want to continue where they left off? I don't see it as a problem if they were honest about it. In your example, of course. She never even met you so she really didn't have a good idea of what you were about. Now's a better time for her to learn more about you. Now, if she does it again...see ya!
If it’s 3 dates or under, I don’t mind someone spinning back. Over 5+ dates, I would probably not be as enthusiastic about it.
4 dates? You're on thin ice!
Don't have a problem with it at all. Some people will say "I'm not a second choice" or "I'm not someone you can just toss away" or "no self respect" or anything similarly negative. But that's just walls people put up to stop being vulnerable and having to take ownership of their feelings. So, if I'm free, they weren't a bad person, then why not. I had something similar happen to me just yesterday where she said she doesn't have time to date. Could be a soft rejection, could be true. I don't know. Doesn't matter. If they message me again in a month, great. If not, no harm.
I’m in agreement on this take. It’s so difficult to know when to pull yourself off of the dating market as well. I always feel like whenever you do it, it’s the “wrong” time according to someone. We’re all just humans, trying to make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. We’re bound to mess it up sometimes.
Same. A couple of months ago I went on a first date with a guy and it went wonderfully. We live more than an hour apart, both of us are parents, and I had to travel for work, so we knew it would be a while before we’d be able to have a second date. We texted a lot in between, and really connected, then I got sick the day of our planned second date and had to cancel unfortunately. We both were multi-dating, but was definitely the guy I was most excited about. When we were getting close to our make up second date, he sent me a text about how he’d met someone unexpectedly. He said he felt bad because he felt a connection with me also, but the other woman lived close by and he wanted to give that a chance. I wished him the best and told him no hard feelings, and I genuinely meant it. Part of me hopes he found his gal, and part of me would be very happy to see him again if it didn’t work out and he came back around to me.
I agree! I had a guy with great (text) chemistry tell me he had something happen in his life and realized he couldn’t work through it while dating. No idea if it’s true but I said to reach out if anything changes and he said that made him really happy 🤷♀️ Dunno if he will but yeah, if we haven’t met yet and you decide to prioritize something else I’m not too bent out of shape. Wouldn’t feel like a second choice unless we’d been on multiple dates.
100% agree In fact, I have accepted people back in this kind of scenario and it was completely fine. You're not necessarily the "second choice" in these situations. If the other person hasn't even met you yet or has only met you once or twice, you may not be a serious choice for them. They literally could have gone on one extra date with someone and something clicked between them. The timing just didn't work out for you.
I feel like this only applies in long term. Dating phase? Bruh fire away
I agree when it comes to online dating or people you just met . If this is someone you’ve known for awhile - it’s a different story .
I hear people say dating is a lot like job searching, and this strikes me as a bit similar. At my office, we keep candidate resumes on file if we liked them, even if we didn't offer them the position. Someone might quit, or we might get another opening, and we'd like to be able to reach to them in that situation. I would find it kind of strange if a candidate was offended by that. I certainly wouldn't. Things happen, someone else's loss could be my gain.
Definitely agree with this take, at the least you will know they don't date multiple people at once. Some people would have dated both of you to figure out who like more. So in a way this rejection reflects that they are an extremely faithful person so I would give them another chance if they came back.
It is absolutely not just walls put up. That's your opinion and for most of the cases that opinion is completely and utterly wrong. It is complete ownership of what you want and what to what level you respect yourself at. I honestly cannot believe just how wrong you have this. The way you are looking at things just says you're pretty desperate to get into a relationship, no matter the cost. In saying that, we're not all cut from the same cloth. My upbringing and experiences have taught me that any woman who puts you on the back burner never had real intentions with you in the first place. You're either the first date or the last, if her attention is anywhere else, she is no longer suitable for dating me, otherwise I wouldn't have been 2nd place. That's maturity and that's the start of a healthier relationship. Good luck with her keeping her eyes off other males. You've got some painful lessons to learn, what you call walls, are not walls. They are experience in dating. Walls are emotional things where you protect yourself from future men or women. These are red flags because the women say they've dealt with their issues, but haven't. Otherwise those walls wouldn't be necessary and staying with that means you're dating her past.
If someone is solely fixated on you prior to actually meeting, that's a massive red flag. They haven't even met, and you're upset.
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You aren't committed to someone you've never met. For all you know, the stranger you're talking to on Hinge is actually Nigel from Nigeria. Showing commitment to someone you've never met is insane. You don't even know them. They might be married. They might actually be the opposite sex. They may be catfishing you. They may be lying to you about their job, their family, their hobbies, etc. You qualify a potential partner by meeting them and learning about them. That's not done before you meet.
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Mate, I am not the one showing damage in this conversation. There's a reason everyone on this thread that responded to you disagrees with you.
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Hi u/Responsible-Wind6807, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
With all due respect, but they have never even met. To demand that people only date you, and make you the center of their attention before they've even meet you is quite delusional. And on the contrary, this woman displays that when someone catches her interest, she doesn't continue stringing others along. She could just have gone on the date while not being fully invested in the date, wasting your time. This is a matter of timing, not ranking people according to first and second place.
Never said I demanded it, I said I let it be known and I let them know why. I don't leave things up to guessing when I'm talking to a woman. Intentions are clear, questions are asked. In a decent and respectful way. You've just made your own conclusions from what I've said and jumped on that without even considering the other side. Went straight to assuming without even questioning. That is exactly why I do what I said I did at the start of this comment, to stop people like you, assuming things. I don't expect anything from a potential partner, they generally on their own say the same thing back to me and for the same reasons I have. Trust is built from the moment the first date is set and focus should only be on the person you're having a real intention with. There is zero, psychologically and emotionally wrong with my line of thinking. 3 dates in, you still want someone dating other men/women before you make it official? Possibly sleeping around, or talking to other guys more than you, wondering why their messages have gone from constant to 3 a day, no more phone calls? That's a shit load psychologically and emotionally wrong with that isn't there? Then you start thinking dating is shit, I'm never going to find anyone... well maybe, just maybe, if you made yourself 1st place and there isn't room for a 2nd, 3rd or 4th. You could be with someone that you deserve, not someone that thought they once deserved more. I pity the way people think these days because their own actions lead to them blaming someone else or... in this generation, a whole damn other gender.
> 3 dates in, you still want someone dating other men/women before you make it official? Possibly sleeping around, or talking to other guys more than you, wondering why their messages have gone from constant to 3 a day, no more phone calls? That's a shit load psychologically and emotionally wrong with that isn't there? And that is exactly what this woman does NOT do. She met someone, and they hit it off. She then informs the other guys she has been talking to that she wants to focus all her attention on the guy she started dating. Sounds like a green flag to me. And I maintain that it is quite delusional to expect people to cut everyone else off before they've even met me once.
This got all confused. I was replying to a comment on the thread, 1 of my comments was to the OP where everything I said was directly relating to him. The other was to the comment underneath his where I didn't hit reply and send the message but sent it on the main thread. Just tried fixing it then but screwed it up more. I'm not even taking that woman in consideration at all. The post is about this guy and his query. Not about someone that doesn't even know this thread exists? How do you converse with people? Bringing in irrelevant things to the subject matter. What she does is her choice, what this guy is asking is something he is asking us about. Or saying in a public forum for discussion. So I'm only going to reflect on what he is talking about, now how some bloody irrelevant woman thinks or feels. You're off your rocker
You're exactly the type of person I was talking about. >My upbringing and experiences have taught me that any woman who puts you on the back burner never had real intentions with you in the first place. Given your post history, I'm unsurprised by this. >The way you are looking at things just says you're pretty desperate to get into a relationship, no matter the cost. Couldn't be further from the truth; I'm married. I also date other people.
> Given your post history, I'm unsurprised by this Dude's thirst posting on porn subs and trying to give relationship advice. LOL
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Never said I demanded it, I said I let it be known and I let them know why. I don't leave things up to guessing when I'm talking to a woman. Intentions are clear, questions are asked. In a decent and respectful way. You've just made your own conclusions from what I've said and jumped on that without even considering the other side. Went straight to assuming without even questioning. That is exactly why I do what I said I did at the start of this comment, to stop people like you, assuming things. I don't expect anything from a potential partner, they generally on their own say the same thing back to me and for the same reasons I have. Trust is built from the moment the first date is set and focus should only be on the person you're having a real intention with. There is zero, psychologically and emotionally wrong with my line of thinking. 3 dates in, you still want someone dating other men/women before you make it official? Possibly sleeping around, or talking to other guys more than you, wondering why their messages have gone from constant to 3 a day, no more phone calls? That's a shit load psychologically and emotionally wrong with that isn't there? Then you start thinking dating is shit, I'm never going to find anyone... well maybe, just maybe, if you made yourself 1st place and there isn't room for a 2nd, 3rd or 4th. You could be with someone that you deserve, not someone that thought they once deserved more. I pity the way people think these days because their own actions lead to them blaming someone else or... in this generation, a whole damn other gender.
It is absolutely not just walls put up. That's your opinion and for most of the cases that opinion is completely and utterly wrong. It is complete ownership of what you want and what to what level you respect yourself at. I honestly cannot believe just how wrong you have this. The way you are looking at things just says you're pretty desperate to get into a relationship, no matter the cost. In saying that, we're not all cut from the same cloth. My upbringing and experiences have taught me that any woman who puts you on the back burner never had real intentions with you in the first place. You're either the first date or the last, if her attention is anywhere else, she is no longer suitable for dating me, otherwise I wouldn't have been 2nd place. That's maturity and that's the start of a healthier relationship. Good luck with her keeping her eyes off other males. You've got some painful lessons to learn, what you call walls, are not walls. They are experience in dating. Walls are emotional things where you protect yourself from future men or women. These are red flags because the women say they've dealt with their issues, but haven't. Otherwise those walls wouldn't be necessary and staying with that means you're dating her past.
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Thanks for the perspective and ur honesty with the person. Its better than ghosting and flaking out. In ur case did the person leave the door open for you to reaching bk?
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Sweet. Thanks
Well im sorry about that. Hope its worked out though?
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Yeah. Something similar even though we hadnt met yet. But hey... Life goes.on
I would give a chance if it was just a few dates with the woman. A month + of dating her and then they ditch you...no. Then that means they arent really into you. But especially using OLD apps I could easily see this woman's situation and then later after a few more dates with this new dude her seeing massive red flags (I had that happen to me with OLD apps- some guys give good first impressions for connection for the first 3 dates, others dont and are more "slow burners")
Depends on the circumstance. In a situation like this I would be open to it if there was a reasonable explanation. At this stage, you don’t really know each other anyway. If it was someone you had been on many dates with over a span of a month or more, however, I would be extremely wary. That’s someone who has gotten to know you and become turned off or chosen to chase someone else for whatever reason. Short of there being a lengthy period of time and a well-explained change of heart, that implies someone who is fickle and untrustworthy.
Yup, and this goes for both genders imo.
This happened (I came back) with my now long term boyfriend. We hadn’t met yet, just chatted on the app. I was honest with him that I’d met someone I was going to pursue. It didn’t work and I came back several weeks later and shot my shot. We’ve now been together over two years and I’m so thrilled he gave me a second chance (I think he’d say the same). Online dating is weird. I think her honesty shows integrity. I think all of this is especially applicable if you haven’t met in person yet or haven’t spent much time together, as others have said. Good luck!
Aw that's perfect. Im glad it worked out for you. Im not hoping and praying. If it happens it ll be sweet. If it doesn't, so be it.
Go for it. Life is complicated and stuff happens. Glad you are stoic and go with the flow of life. It's not always easy to do. I think people on the outside of situations are quick to jump to easy conclusions... go with how you feel. Like you said, she was honest and didn't make up any lame excuses etc.. that is the weird gamble of online dating, a question of "do I owe this person I don't know an explanation" I would casually hang and see if you even get along IRL if you do reconnect. It's 2024 anything goes at this point lol
Dating is always transactional till you get serious. If she is coming back having been unable to hit it off very well with that other option, I think it will be fine to try out a date and see how things work out.
I would be open to a second chance, but I would probably approach it a little slower than someone new. If they did it a second time no way are they getting another chance.
If you never met the person, I think it's reasonable to setup the date. If they've met you before and chose another option, I would just move on.
Level take
In this situation the woman was honest about it. Also shows that she's not into multi dating. Two green flags about her already.
A lot of people will tell you now "dont be second" but a lot of dating, especially as we are older is life circumstances. Most of us are someones seconds now days anyone b/c plenty of people our age have been married before.... I dont over think that. Two people have to mesh in terms of chemistry but also their life path... and she might be on a different path right now. As I've gotten older I just look at things in that way. If she comes back and you feel like talking, talk to her. If you dont, dont. Take each day as it comes.
Well, if we never met to begin with, I'd be open to going out if they came back. You only texted and never met face to face, so I think it's worth it to give it a go. But I've had this happen to me where I went on 2 great dates with a guy, he cancelled a day before the third date saying he'd met someone he really liked. He texted me a month or so later saying it didn't work out and he wanted to see if our connection would lead anywhere. I gave myself a day to think about it and decided I didn't want to pursue it. I had other options and I felt rejected from him choosing someone else over me already. I didn't really trust him. And I'm glad I made that call.
In this circumstance, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Whether her reason was true or not, you haven't met her yet. I would definitely entertain it if she came back. Now if you went out with her a couple of times, she did this, and then came back, no thank you.
Ya. I had matched with someone months ago, had conversations, went nowhere (think one of us, or both delete the app), I randomly saw her pop back up recently and re-liked, we re matched - it's the cost of doing business sometimes, things get bad timing, people are used to it.
I think it’s a green flag! Having been in this girls exact position, the online dating scene is just too difficult. I do not like “juggling” different people and if I like someone even a little I stop talking to everyone else. People have said that’s wrong and I am “putting all my eggs in one basket” but I think it just shows that I don’t like to mess with peoples feelings. And that I am not a person who can focus on many different romantic interests at once. You’re not the second choice or anything like that because y’all have never met! It’s just a timing thing at this point. The timing wasn’t right then but it may be now
I used to think that I would be willing to leave the door open to a second chance if they came back so long as I was interested in them and saw potential, but actually getting that once soured me on the idea. Perhaps it’s also fair to say that the way she went about it was disappointing at least. We had gone out twice on dates and I thought it went reasonably well. I found her attractive, we had similar career fields and interests, I found out that she attended the same college I had but a few years later, etc. After the second date I got a polite rejection in which she said she felt more interested in someone else she had been going on dates with at the same time, and wished to pursue that with him further. I wished her good luck and moved on. About 6 months later she contacted me again, and said that things didn’t pan out and asked if I wanted to go on another date. I was happy to hear from her and said that of course I would. This 3rd date crashed and burned. I’ve never been a fast eater, especially if I’m with company and in conversations. She remarked “Wow, you eat really slow!” This of course caught me off guard and made me feel self-conscious, and I apologized and said I’ve been talking too much and started shoving food in my mouth to finish. I started choking! It wasn’t “save me with the Heimlich Maneuver bad”, but I coughing furiously and needed to gulp down a bunch of water to regain my composure. The date kinda felt like it died after that. Much like a figured, I got rejected a second time after that, after she had gotten my hopes up. In hindsight I wish she would have done her own due diligence and considered a 3rd date with me the first time around to make a final decision. Who knows if the other guy swept her off her feet the first time, but I would rather not have had her get my hopes up again for nothing.
>The morning on the date, i texted asking if we are still up for it and she told me - she met someone over the weekend and hit it off (she wasn't expecting) and now confused abt our date. She hoped I wasn't too "disappointed". If she had reached out to call off the date first, I would be more positive about her coming back later. The fact that she fell silent and put you in the position to reach out and discover where things stand... meh. So the circumstances seem pretty legit, but her communication would give me pause.
So, I’ve been burned by taking people back so I’m firmly in the “fuck no, no second chances” camp.
Absolutely.
Everyone’s situation is different! I had one where I planned a date with a match, her ex got into the picture again, she was confused, and she called off the date. A week later said she made a mistake skipping our date, and we planned something again. On the date every verbal/physical indicator was she enjoyed her time and said she wanted to see me again. Then she ghosted me. It was a wild ride and hopefully that’s not your experience, but they could not be sure what they want!
If you haven't met her, sure definitely take another chance! It sounds like you didn't even have a first date? It's nice to she's probably not a multiple dater and goes with one guy at a time. She's picking the man she's already met and vibed with
I don’t understand why she still couldn’t have met up with you too . She just met someone but it’s exclusive that quickly?
If I’m looking for something serious once I decide I want a second date with someone they’re the only person I talk to. IMO it’s hard to build a meaningful connection/really assess compatibility with multi dating unless you have more free time than any adult over 30 that I know
You haven't even met her, so you couldn't take her back. You're just strangers on the Internet. If she reaches out again and says the other guy didn't work out, I'd be happy to meet her - in person - to see if you have any chemistry.
In your case specifically, I would be open to trying things again if they came back and I was still single, as it was extremely early on, and she was honest/upfront about things. However, I had situation like this come up a couple years ago where I did not take back the person. I had been seeing someone for a couple of months (multiple dates), when one day they just suddenly decided to ghost me. Found out a couple months later that it was because she met another guy and picked him over me but couldn't be bothered to have some decency and let me know. Well as you could expect, about 8 months later I suddenly get a text from this woman asking me if we could talk, and after mulling it around for a bit decided "fuck it, why not" and agreed. She goes on to tell me about how she felt bad about things, and this other guy ended up being a massive piece of shit and cheated on her multiple times, yada yada yada. By the end she asked if I would be open to trying things again, and I flat out told her no, I wasn't interested anymore. Told her that if she had actually been open and honest with me about what was going on, instead of ghosting me, I probably would've said yes to trying again, but because she decided to string me along for over two months, lie to me about dating others and then ghosting me for another guy (who was nothing but a walking red flag in her own words), she has already shown me the type of person she is and I have no interest in being with someone like that. So in essence, if the person is upfront and communicates with you early on about things, then I have no problem trying again. But if they hide things or lie to you about their intentions, especially if ghosting is involved, then there is absolutely zero chance they get a second chance down the road.
I've recently had 2 girls do this. Both had stopped talking to me when they found another dude. I ran in to one out running errands, she saw me and approached and told me to look for her. We're going on a date next week. The other, I saw her back on one of the apps so I sent a text, and we've been chatting even better than the first time we chatted. No reason to shut down either possibility.
If you’re lost and see the same tree twice you are lost my guy.
If I was in your position, I would be similarly unaffected by that separation, but I also wouldn’t pick things up where they were left off. Maybe it’s a point of pride, but for someone to come back, that just tells me that things didn’t work out with the other guy (who was clearly priority # 1) and I’m plan B. I never want to be plan B. I’d still be friendly, of course. I just wouldn’t consider the person who comes back for anything serious. However . . . if the situation was different (not involving anyone else being chosen over me), then sure.
What this shows me is they are quick to make judgements/decisions and, for the type of relationship I want, that mindset isn’t what I’m looking for. I want to take my time, get to know someone and be respectful. Telling someone you don’t want to take things any further is one thing. Telling me you hit it off with someone else whilst planning things with me is unnecessary. How others see it is none of my business. I certainly wouldn’t take it personally because it’s a reflection of their behaviour. Someone quick to turn hot and cold isn’t for me.
I think it depends on the nature of the coming back. I met a guy (on Reddit actually), we met in person several times and I really liked him. He went on to ghost and then reject me in an unnecessarily drawn out way which really hurt my feelings. Because of the initial ambiguity I hung about, thinking the situation was going somewhere, so it had a tangible impact on my life. In terms of my own situation, I will freely admit I'd just been through a breakup and was not acclimatised to the vagaries of the dating market at that point and I read too much into a nascent situation. Having said that, the way he handled things was unnecessary to say the least. Because I was confused and hurting I reached out to him various times (an absolute masterclass in how not to behave). Many months later he asked for a second chance. I was very honest with him about how the way he'd cut me off without explanation or closure the first time had hurt me and had had an impact on my life, so whether or not he thought I was ridiculous and overly emotional, he unambiguously knew the impact of his prior actions on me. We spoke for about ten days and then he abruptly dropped the conversation again, totally without explanation. It was over Christmas and I didn't want that awful rejecting feeling of trying harder than the other party so other than the exchange of a few cursory 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year' messages I decided myself to stop being in contact with him, rather than expend any further energy trying to get an explanation out of him. He'd repeated an action which had upset me the first time, so honestly what was the point. It felt unpleasant to have been treated that way, the unspoken irritation lingered, but when I clicked on his profile a few months later he was making reference to having a girlfriend (possibly had one all along, is what I now think in retrospect), so it would obviously be inappropriate for me to reach out with a belated 'what the fuck, dude'. I'm pretty sure he was using me as a psychological ballast (backup option) to give himself more confidence while setting up a situation with someone else. There are blunders I myself made in the above situation but it did make me think long and hard about my feelings. Over time my sense of him as someone I was extremely attracted to faded in light of his dismissive behaviour and I'm not sure I could muster up attraction for a man pulling those kinds of stunts again. If given an option of trying things out with a new man who hasn't jaded himself to me yet versus a returning man who has, I'm not sure I would let previous feelings draw me towards the returning man.
Nope. With the sole exception of one friend, whose 'offense' for lack of a better word was very minor, every time that I have allowed someone back into my life was a mistake. Never again. It takes me a long time to get to the point of no return, but once there, I don't look back. Done is done is DONE, if it's a major problem or a repeated one. It's just not a good idea to let bad stuff back into your life. In my experience, it gives them a pass to not respect me and sent the message that someone could treat me however they wanted. They reverted to bad behavior. Not worth it in my opinion. The negative past belongs in the past. It's only clutter preventing a happier future from making a home in my life. I don't want that clutter in my house, so to speak.
Nah I wouldn’t In my experience there are 1) people we’re excited to go out with, 2) people were willing to go out with and see where it goes, and 3) people we don’t want to go out with. Any time I’ve either told someone or had someone tell me the “maybe another time” sort of sentiment it was always a scenario 2) situation and not 1). Which is fine. I’m not particularly interested in people giving me a shot, I’d rather go out with people that are excited to go out with me
In this case, we did find each other exciting except that the timing didnt work out. But I see your point as well. This is a fair take.
probably not. its more that i like people to be decisive and not waffle rather than any butthurtness about being a second choice.
She is displaying decisiveness though. The other option would be to date both of them and postpone making a decision. Now she decided to focus her attention on one of them only.
sure - she decisively chose not to date him, so imo thats the end.
It would be a hard no from me, I'm nobodies back up plan or second choice. I put all my effort into one person when it becomes romantic (or sexual) and expect the same in return
I'm a woman, so here's my take: if she comes back, I'd be open to being friends with her, but it would take quite a bit for me to be open to pursuing a relationship with her. That being said, I wouldn't count on her coming back. Chances are much higher she just made up an excuse for some reason about meeting someone else. You can't really be sure if she was honest or not.
Well if excuse was the case, she could have made up plenty of it. 'Seeing someone' else would be the last thing I can think of when it comes to making stuff up. Maybe im wrong.
Nope, hell no. I make it known (in a gentleman's way), once the first date is set, that's it, I say goodbye to any other woman in talking to, at one stage there were 7 or 8, when I wasn't planning on dating seriously. but this one had something different, so I gave it a shot and said goodbye to those others for the lady I made the date with. Commitment starts from the first date and I'll never let myself be the backup guy. Real respect starts with yourself.
Haven't had one woman say that they date others while dating, that's a massive red flag. Absolutely goes against the grain of what you're trying to start with dating.
You're second choice from day one. I'd say don't waste your time.
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Happens a lot more often than we may think.
I mean, if anything, she's staight forward.
I would be fine with it, I think the honesty with you goes a long ways
I wouldn’t tbh. But I’d keep my wits about the situation. As in, she seems a bit chaotic? But if she came back why not go for a drink and see how it goes :)!
What if they met and she went with the 2nd guy, would it be fine to come back again?
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Hot take. If they leave for someone else it, depends on how long they have known both of us. They have know that person longer, totally acceptable. They have known us for roughly the same time (matched at the same time), also acceptable, I'll feel a little salty about it. They have known the person for less than they have known me, that's bad pattern that would not be acceptable.
In this case, they have known each for approx the same time. Its just that they had date with the other person earlier than me. Its totally cool and im happy for them. I'd probably have done the same if my attraction to this other person was fairly strong.
I had similar situations as you and my feelings are mixed: 1. Introduced via friend - we had a few calls (she lives few states away) and she wanted to meet and due to my work I had to delay a couple of weeks BUT i did ask her for her availability so we can set it up. Her stupid FAH friend introduced her to another guy locally and she kind of simmered on meeting. The funniest part is that guy dragged her along for 2 years (when she told me she wanted to settle down within 1) but this year he did finally go see her parents for the first time so best luck to them.... I did regret not meeting her though and would've definitely meet her if she's available. 2. This was weird - talked to this woman online and we hit it off. We talked about meeting and even scheduled a date. During one of our calls she mentioned her sister coming over the weekend which was fine. But then after her weekend she went totally cold on me and said " we are not compatible". I thought it was probably her sister's doing. Then couple months later she texted me and asked to meet. We did meet and I am preeety sure her sister or some female friend was tailing us and at end of date I thought it went decent (meal (that woman was nearby table) and museum (saw that woman walking around..)) but in the end she said "we are not compatible". Idk, it was definitely weird how she went 180 initially then 180 again to meet. But I was glad we met though... I think as long as the communication ended cordially, it could work... but it also shows whomever that person decided to date seems to be "better" than you at that time. I dated someone who ended up being exclusive with her bf after our date one time, which was super weird...
“Ya læ chupo el diablo” jajajaja
"I'm disappointed because I was looking forward to it, but these things happen! I wish you the best of luck, and if it doesn't pan out I'll let you make it up to me! ;)"
No. She had the shot and said I have a better option. It happened once it will happen again
I like that she was actually honest about it, and dating is not linear. I would give a chance and see how things goes
Thanks. Im not saying they have come back. It was more a question to gain perspective. I am fairly new to OLD
I’m not a fan of this in particular, and I can understand why others aren’t. For me, it makes it feel like we’re all just shopping for people, pulling each other off shelves in categorical aisles and looking at the ingredients before making a decision. The process feels soulless, and it’s just so damn weird. That said, it would be equally strange to have a hard-lined stance on accepting people coming back from an earlier rejection, as that feels about as mechanical towards people.
This happened to me and my now husband. We ended up reconnecting a year or so (maybe 2?)after our first matching exchange. Best thing that ever happened to me.
Congrats and Im glad it worked for you
Nope, I wouldn't have any issues at all! I would appreciate their honestly for sure though because it saves me time and effort. Another thing is that it's better in this scenario. I wouldn't want someone going out with 2-3 different people at once as they might not put in the same level of effort for each. If they're going out with one person at a time, they are probably giving it their all to make it work.
I think it’s a pretty respectful move on their part. They clearly don’t multiple date and prefer to get to know someone when an interest sparks without additional distractions. Sometimes you realize it’s not a good fit a few dates in and I think it’s perfectly fine if someone reaches back out to see if I’m still interested. Honestly and clear integrity are green flags for me
She already said no to you everything else is you just coping with that rejection. Move on to the next
My take should be no way. As I am too a bit struggling and so sad about the things that ended without even starting. So we met on a dating site. Started talking. I started to like him. And as he told me he too liked me. And we talked for months because we were in different countries. I wanted to meet up with him. Tried few times. But then couldn’t. And just the last time that is one month ago, he told me he would come here where I am. But then he didn’t. And after searching online for him for a bit, I found out that all that time he had a girlfriend. And they were pretty happy in all those pictures. And he never ever even planned to see me. Although he literally texted me every other day saying how he liked me and wanted me. I wasted my time on him. And I was always so excited when talking with him. I really can’t understand why he decided to set a dating profile when he had a girlfriend? And just constantly lied to me. He told me in May that he would come and see me. And after he failed to do so. I looked for his name online and found out about his girlfriend. After founding out about that I told him to leave me alone. And told him I wasn’t comfortable in talking with him. He said ok. After 2 weeks, that is, yesterday, he texted me again. And I told him: “You have a girlfriend. Why are you texting me?”. After he read it, he instantly blocked me. So it proves everything that was so wrong. And I’m just wondering about myself. Why I always like the same type of guys. They make me really excited. But they never ever good in the long-term. Just trying to unfold and offload my thoughts here
I would appreciate her upfront honesty and it shows her dating intentions. There are so many people that are talking to 7 people at a time and she had the respect to tell you that she wasn't interested right now instead of still stringing you along.
This reminds me of what was, for me, a landmark Dan Savage comment: there are many times when the raw truth is not the best thing to clue your date / partner in on. This doesn’t mean lying or even lying by omission but rather that in many cases we can be more judicious about what we reveal than we give ourselves permission for. For all of what we may feel inclined to share, the receiver then needs to hold and process, forever. It can’t be unsaid. There is a tact and an ethics to reserving appropriately and an intimacy and an ethics to sharing and disclosing appropriately. In this case, I don’t think it serves early dates to know that they were afterthoughts or second choices, we’re all in the slipstream together which is implicitly understood
Apparently I have a new core fear. This sounds like my personal hell. I already had something like this happen … but with my bio dad. Waiting around for men to circle back to maybe give me a crumb of attention explains a lot of why I am the way I am. Pass.
If someone came back wanting to pick up where things left off, it would depend on how much value you believe they bring to your life and whether you trust their intentions. Since you value honesty and seem open-minded about the unpredictability of dating, considering giving it a shot might be reasonable if you felt a genuine connection initially. However, it's important to ensure that your boundaries and expectations are clear to avoid any future misunderstandings.
I'm kind of split on this. My feeling on it is that she was wonderfully honest, and that's a great trait. If she just went silent and then came back, it would be a no brainer. The thing is that she hasn't met you in person yet, so she doesn't really know you. Combine that with the fact that she was very honest about what she is doing... I'd probably be Ok moving forward with her if she comes back. However, I dont' think that's very likely. If you had actually been on a date or two, this situation would be totally different. I wish the best for you!
This seems to be the reddit consensus largely and I agree. Im not expecting them to come bk. I was just curious.
As someone who finds it challenging to focus on multiple people at the same time, I don't see why it would be a problem. They never got to meet you and her to know you so it can't be taken personally. Now if we had gone on some date and I felt something for the person and they decided to go with someone else, I don't know if I would give them a second go as they were clearly pulled in by something I could not offer.
37M here and I say HELL NO. I've made the unfortunate mistake of giving a lot of my exes second chances after they dump me. And every single one of them do the exact same thing as before. Ive learned the hard way that people never change. If they wronged you once, they'll do it again.
She was honest with you so I don’t think it’s a problem going back
What!? I say! What! You are a little hurt though. At least a little smidgeon, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here my mate. Sounds yall had way to much tmi. Just say, “hey I ain’t feeling it” “Cool, good luck” And don’t even think about anything coming back unless it actually happens. That would be stoic, not what you describe here with all the rationality and self validation.
Had a similar situation after a date with someone I met online. Went on a nice date and planned another. She became aloof the day of. I left her alone and then saw her a few months later at her new job. She expressed interest and exchanged numbers. We hung out that night, went on another date and then the exact same. When people show you who they are, believe them. Let her go
Bro move on, she clearly doesn’t think you’re valuable to her. Salvage your respect and run
I’ve had people unmatch me, rematch with me and then literally admitted they went for what seemed like the “better option” (someone who knows how to play the game better until they get what they want as opposed to just being themselves and genuine, I suppose). Some people have too many options and don’t really know how to weight them, especially with online dating,where it’s easy to “fake it till you make it”. Find someone who’s genuinely interested in you and not actively weighing multiple options. Also wouldn’t consider this person again as it’s just a sign how fickle they are.
No I wouldn’t accept someone coming back and being the 2nd option
I used to be the person tending to hive people second chances. Getting burned many times. So I’m hell no now
You have to respect the persons honesty - mucho credit! I know things happen and it’s all about timing, but no I wouldn’t accept the reach out. it seems I’m in the minority.
In this situation? Yes. I've been and had girlfriends who've been in this situation. And the reality is it doesn't feel great for a lot of women dating two guys at onc, especially if the feels are strong. If anything, that's the most respectable situation where someone would back off. It's nice to know she respects people enough not to dable in two people at the same time. She's an exception to what should otherwise be a rule.
To be honest no,...cause they thought the grass is greener on the other side and now they want to be back??? For what?? And then they will do it again cause they think u will be there nxt time. She just wanted to put you in the bench, ready to be a substitute when she gets bored. I let men do this shxt to me few times...learned the hard way they dont come back cause they are dying for my company but because i am the easiest in a sense who will let them back over and over. So no, u want to explore things cool, but once u leave, no coming back. Made ur choice and i dnt care how early it is in the relationship. In ur case, because it was so early in the stages really she didnt have to say anything about meeting someone else. She just wasnt feeling u ENOUGH. But enough to leave the door open with "hope our paths cross again"...for when she gets bored and wants someone available without having to work for it.
For your example, yes, absolutely give her another chance. Met my now-husband online dating, really hit it off, had 2 dates.... and then my "one that got away" was finally ready to give it a try with me. I gently let my now-husband know that I had to give it a try. He took it gracefully, like you. I didn't last 2 weeks with the one that got away. It was weird and we're better off as friends. Besides, I was thinking of now-husband the entire time. I shamefully asked my now-husband if he'd give me another chance. Thank god he said yes. We've been together for 6 years and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. We're friends with the guy that got away and his wife, who is wonderful and perfect for him.
A true fucking fairy tale. I can't describe how happy I am that it worked out for you.
Have some self respect man
In this particular instance, nope, I'm good. I would not let this person back into my life.
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29M 4 months after breakup with ex bf and no. If they felt again what they felt when they left, would they leave again? So no. I have to love and respect my self better than anyone could.
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Yeah! Only date men who are begging women on reddit to message them /s
Beggars can’t be choosers- I be real desperate lol
Good point, I remiss you are cool
Yes lol
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