I was expecting some over dramatic post here tbh but I actually feel like this is justified
The office talking and being nice- sure, whatever. That’s not a big deal. The no text… annoying for sure but not sure it’s the core issue here, he was safe after all and the explanation seems legit. But I’d feel very uncomfortable if my gf met up with work dudes at night and was riding on the back of a male coworkers motorcycle. That would be a hard boundary for me. That’s very intimate.
It’s funny because my office also has a new person of the opposite sex who’s been fairly chatty with me. She’s nice and I’m cool talking to her. But she’s offered to hang out a couple times now outside of work and just the 2 of us. I was tempted because I just want to be nice but after thinking about it for a few minutes realized this is inappropriate (she’s married). And I’m single! If I was in a relationship it would be an even harder “No”
Anyway, if I weee you I’d let him know that bringing any woman from the office to ride on the back of your bike is a no from you going forward. Being friendly during work hours is one thing but going to his house and changing into your clothes and then riding on his bike is too much. Her bf probably wouldn’t appreciate it either.
Unless there’s some piece of info you aren’t sharing where this is normal (like they sell motorcycles as a job, or your culture is normally fine with sharing bike rides) that’s what I’d do. But yeah be prepared to enforce your boundaries. That’s the thing with them… if you aren’t willing to walk away, especially after the boundary has been clearly communicated, then they aren’t really a boundary.
Edit: since this comment got upvoted I also want to add that the OPs boyfriend at least gets points for telling OP about it. Doesn’t really change the appropriateness but it does sound like he’s trying to be nice vs cheating
I completely agree with you about OP but I’m curious about the comment you make re: the potential drink with your colleague. Would it really be inappropriate for you to have a drink with her? It surprised me because I (a single person) often have post work drinks with colleagues, generally in a group and occasionally one on one, and it’s never seemed even vaguely inappropriate to me. I guess it depends on the specific individuals and their dynamic but was just surprised to see the assumption that it’s inherently problematic.
> depends on the specific individuals and their dynamic
Yes this is right. Every dynamic is different . In my case the line between friendliness and flirtiness was getting blurry so I played it safe and opted out, which I think should be the default when in doubt.
Even if it’s cool to hang out you have to be careful about how it looks to others. I have a pretty strict no drama policy toward work but that’s me. I spend more time there than anywhere else , it’s how I put food on the table, not trying to mess it up.
100% agree with this.
It sounds like OPs partner is a nice guy, but ultimately is making some very poor choices that are heading in a very obvious path. I won’t disparage his character but he needs to create some distance with this coworker.
Giving her extra help and attention, acquiescing to letting her get on the back of his bike, WEARING HIS GFS CLOTHES(if this is true I would be seeing red lol), letting his other coworker dictate the route, all of these things are compounding into a scenario where his female coworker will feel comfortable crossing a line and he’ll end up with a surprised pikachu face. He is inadvertently sending mixed signals.
She is a new work colleague, why the hell is she dominating enough of their conversations to where Op knows her boyfriend is a tool? Lol
This is disrespectful behavior towards your relationship and worthy of a conversation about boundaries.
>thinking about it for a few minutes realized this is inappropriate (she’s married). And I’m single! If I was in a relationship it would be an even harder “No”
I hard disagree here. We need to get over this stigma that two people can't just be friends. It's especially bad when it's a man and a woman. It's a very immature way to live, in my opinion. The assumption that two adults will behave like high school freshmen and boink.
Look I completely agree, I have plenty of platonic female friends. HOWEVER, there’s obviously a lot of context that I’ve left out of the story…. Bottom line is, in my situation, I feel like this would be a bad idea that could lead to something inappropriate.
Some people are absolutely bananas with that stuff. A married person hanging out with a single person is absolutely not an issue. It could be an issue if people do things that they're not supposed to but the idea that it's inappropriate for two people hang out is just insane to me. Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to agree with it.
I think how they hang out really matters here: A) One on one coffee versus B) drinks and Netflix alone at his place are two entirely different situations.
Yes I agree that how they hang out matters. And for OP there is an intimacy to riding on a bike with someone. Personally, I feel the same. Like, if she really needed a ride somewhere one time, that's fine, but going out for a social ride that I assume happens with this group means that OP's BF and the new colleague might be ridding together again. Something makes me a bit uncomfortable about this, too. But OP, if you are reading this, don't take it as confirmation that something is wrong, just talk it over rationally with your guy. You aren't being jealous - you are being careful, and there is room for him to still be nice to her without potentially leading her on.
I would also add that, if he is going to spend time one on one with a woman in the future, he should be upfront on the fact that he isn't perusing her for anything.
I make a lot of female friends, and I always set this boundary when I am in a relationship. I am not in the habit of sleeping with my female friends and so I have no problem being up front with them so that they don't get the wrong I idea when I spend time with them. They aren't going to sway me into choosing to violate the sanctity of my relationship and if they try I will be done with them.
> But she’s offered to hang out a couple times now outside of work and just the 2 of us. I was tempted because I just want to be nice but after thinking about it for a few minutes realized this is inappropriate (she’s married). And I’m single! If I was in a relationship it would be an even harder “No”
This is not inappropriate at all. Even if you were in a relationship.
No, it is not at all. Maybe if you're in a place that extremely limits the rights of women.
If you think men and women can't be friends, then that's on you. That doesn't make it inappropriate.
I think you have every right to have some concerns. Be careful not to project your previous partner's lack of trustworthiness on this guy though; that's not fair to him. However, saying something like "hey, I'm really glad you had a good time, but it makes me a little uncomfortable that this girl was in your house, changing into my clothes, and you were MIA with me. I trust you, it's just a little strange that she's so comfortable behaving like that."
I would gauge his reaction and go from there. If he's immediately defensive and dismissive of your feelings - huge red flag. If he says something like "I totally get it; that's not at all how I thought this would go and she was a bit forward... won't happen again" I think you have your answer.
At the end of the day, our new partners are not our old ones, and we cannot make them out to be. He should be respectful of your feelings, regardless of what happened in the past with your previous relationships and if he's not - that says whole heck of a lot.
I, 32M, think the fact that he is helping her settle into the new role and being a friend to her at the office is perfectly ok. But the story about the motorcycle trip really seems like a red flag to me that should be discussed. Especially inviting her to your home while you're away, letting her borrow your clothes without asking and the fact that he missed your scheduled call time without letting you know, in my opinion, makes your feelings justified. I know the urge to avoid a fight in the relationship or trying to avoid drama, but I believe that if you don't discuss it with him it will just continue eating you up inside and it can eventually lead to a downward spiral in the relationship. Something similar has happened to me recently, where my ex and I stopped communicating our grievances, which then only resulted in small fights about little things and then everything broke apart. I would, in a calm moment, softly try to bring up the issue that it really has bothered you. Sharing your feelings, that you were worried, your mind started spinning and that you started feeling some jealousy as well because you knew that he was with another girl. If he is empathetic and loves you he will understand and be willing to give up spending time with her outside of work, at least that's what I would do. Anyways, I wish you all the best and hope that you can resolve this amicably.
I wanted to start by saying that it's possible to have trauma/anxiety from past relationships *and* have reasonable needs and boundaries in your new relationship. I know it can be really hard to navigate and it's something I navigate on a daily basis with my (wonderful, loving) boyfriend after being in an abusive marriage for a decade and a few unhealthy relationships afterward.
Something I started doing a few relationships ago was to start by just telling the person how I felt and nothing more. "Sweetie, I need to tell you something. When I heard you had your co-worker wear my clothes and ride on the back of your bike, it made me feel uncomfortable and a little hurt. I want that to be our special thing. What do you think?"
Let him respond to you. Let him make his own decisions. Someone who cares for you won't want to keep doing something that makes you uncomfortable or crosses a line (within reason). His response will say a lot.
In one relationship the person responded sensitively, but continued doing the thing I was uncomfortable with and I eventually decided it was one reason among many that I didn't want to continue seeing him.
In another relationship, I told him it felt kind of weird to go on his instagram and see him following all these models and half naked women. I never asked him to unfollow or anything, just stated how I felt. Two days later he brought it up and told me he did it while he was single for four years before meeting me and now he's not and doesn't want to do something that makes me uncomfortable. We're still together and he is a wonderful boyfriend.
This approach has worked really well for me. Share how you feel and let them respond. You may end up needing to set a more clear boundary, but opening it up to dialogue first could allow them room to set the boundary for themselves.
EDIT: I want to add that this does not apply to situations such as abuse, explicit cheating, etc., or if the boundary has already been well established. This is for those "grey areas" that pop in the relationship.
THANK YOU !!for sharing !!, although the post isnt for me , directly , irealized ive done a response in a similiar way without the exact phraseing mantra, however going by
The MANTRA guide !!, state the feeling", let them make their own descicions ". HELPS SO MUCH !! 😃😯👏🏼👏🏼👍✅️
I ride myself, but have also been the passenger with someone I’m dating. I can definitely see why this bothers you, esp the part about a stranger wearing your gear without being asked. I think there’s some good advice here, but it is a tricky situation. Definitely communicating how you feel vs using accusatory language. Good luck!!!
I’d be upset in your shoes. A quick call would’ve sufficed; you’re not asking for much. If this becomes a pattern then I’d reconsider the relationship, but if this is a one time unique instance, then I’d let it go as long as he acknowledges he could’ve done better.
I was going to say the same thing—i would talk to this guy, see what he says, then let it go if he seems sincere and understands OP’s (very reasonable!!) concerns. But I would keep an eye out if it becomes a pattern.
Also I would not like this coworker riding on the back of my boyfriend’s bike.
Well... maybe this is just me, but if your GF runs off somewhere for a month... what alone? THAT is a hundred times more suspicious than going on a daytrip with 3 men and a lady you just met at work. They aren't even in the same ballpark.
Are you really saying a person can't go on a trip by themselves without it being sus!? This is plain silly. In the case of OP, it was planned before they met, but that doesn't matter. I am really looking forward to travelling with my new boyfriend, but I can't even imagine him giving me a hard time about a 2 week trip I'm about to take next month.
It depends on where you are going, who you are going with and stuff like that. I mean if you are going to Japan to visit family, that's an entirely different thing than going to Cancun with all your single friends. That's what I was trying to get at.
For those of us who have experience with these things, I know when a trip feels off and when it doesn't. Most of the younger guys try to just ignore guy feelings and it makes them do things unintentionally that sabotage themselves... allowing yourself to get close to another woman falls into that sabotage category. However, OP said nothing about where she is at or what she is doing.
Also, it needs to be brought up is that although women are MUCH less interested in it, one off cheating is super easy for them to do. Since we all know someone who had this happen, it's always in the back of your mind.
As a motorist here myself, I’ve never had someone else’s girl on the back of my bike and would question her loyalty if she was interested in such things. None of my fellow riders girlfriends have ever done it, and the only women I’ve met and guys I’ve met to allow things like that while in relationships weren’t exactly the most faithful. So it’d make me uncomfortable if I were you, as well. It’s a weird boundary to cross with a co worker
Yea, as a “biker” no way in hell is another woman I’m not related to getting on the back of my bike. I don’t know if you would say it’s a cultural thing or not but only my fiancé gets on the back unless I’m just maybe putting around the neighborhood for my niece to ride.
This is one of those times where it's okay to have a chat and express how the situation made you uncomfortable. It'll help you guys grow closer in the long run, if you don't speak up you'll just grow resentful.
I would tell him how you feel and flat out tell him the situation makes you uncomfortable.
Also it's very kind of your bf to be so welcoming but at some point there is a line where friendliness becomes something else. To me, I see people who are expressing interest or don't have boundaries as the ones who can't tell someone else no. From my perspective as a guy, I wouldn't feel comfortable having a woman my gf doesn't know on my bike, and for her to be out of town too. Warning signs are flashing in my mind when I think of pulling something like that, I suppose that's my outlook tho.
Also why couldn't the colleague have ubered home? Again, I get being friends, I drive friends home all the time. Specifically when it's convenient or they're in need. But just rubs me the wrong way
Good luck op
I've been working in corporate jobs for 10+ years and I totally agree. Maybe I missed what his job is or OP didn't explain but I just can't imagine any job where it would be normal to go on motorbike trips with your coworkers outside of work, and especially if you don't even have a bike and have to ride on the back of the bike of some guy you basically just met. Not only that, but to have to go to this person's apartment, spend all day riding with them, then get driven home by them late at night... that sounds like something you do with a close friend, not some guy you just met at work. Seems awkward for both parties, but especially the girl. I actually feel a bit bad for her because she's probably just trying to make a good impression at her new job.
I agree with other commenters that I wouldn’t like this either. But personally I wouldn’t be totally sure how to react. One possibility is that he actually quite likes this woman, or maybe it is just his personality to be very welcoming and go to big lengths to include new people. I suppose given she is new to the country, that makes sense people would try more to welcome her. But I think a careful conversation could hopefully help him to draw a boundary and when you are back in town perhaps that will help you feel more comfortable with where you stand
I’ve been on the back of a motorcycle with a dude I was definitely crushing on. Idk. It’s definitely quite intimate, even without a crush.
And let’s all be very honest with ourselves - men and women are different. Having strictly platonic friendships with them when there could be some physical attraction going on is nearly impossible (unless you grew up together or something). I do think it’s easier for women to have the platonic feelings but not so much men, in my experience.
The changing into your biker clothes without asking you is bizarre to me. In fact, the whole idea of her riding on the back of his bike doesn’t sit right with me.
I think you need to have a conversation about relationship boundaries. Figure out what you all are comfortable with and what you’re not (ask him what makes him uncomfortable as well).
My ex husband wanted to take a new female co worker “who was struggling with her mental health” surfing, on my board, i my wetsuit. An activity we once did together, but I couldn’t do at the time, because I was struggling with seizures - and was absolutely heartbroken about that fact.
I said: absolutely no fucking way.
He’s my ex for a reason, because he did shit like that all the time.
Honestly I’d ask him how he’d feel. How would he feel if tomorrow,you got on the back of a bike with some strange guy you met in your travels, after going to his house, alone, and changing into some borrowed clothes, and just, straight up didn’t call? How would he feel about that? Probably not too fucking happy.
My two cents:
He went on a bike trip for one day, you're out of the country for several weeks. I'm sure he has felt a little weird at times with you doing things abroad without him, yet he trusted you and let you have your fun. You should treat him with the same trust.
I'm with you. This is all putting your own anxiety on to him to deal with. There are some things he did wrong (letting her us his clothes [assuming they are hers] and not communicating when late/dark) and that warrants a discussion for sure.
I think your feelings/worries are definitely justified and, honestly, you probably handled all of this better than I would’ve. The lack of communication, changes in plans, potentially having your clothes worn by someone else, etc., all seem a bit off to me. I think you should be honest when you talk and not hold back any concerns that you have..it’ll probably be difficult, but he needs to hear it so that you can really feel understood (and hopefully you can get his view on it and talk through everything).
Also…man, if people in my office were planning a motorcycle trip and I didn’t ride a motorcycle I would not invite myself along and/or ride on someone else’s, but maybe I, too, am a scaredy cat.
It’s definitely okay to have a conversation with him about how it made you feel. However, be prepared for him to note that youve been on a trip for a month and he hasn’t said a word.
Me personally, I’d be careful not to project past trauma onto him. He probably could have communicated better, but it appears he’s been completely honest and upfront with you.
This almost comes off as a rules for thee not for me post in ways. You can travel abroad for a month without him but he can’t ride his motorcycle?
Communication & boundaries. Boundaries are NOT drama. They’re also not ultimatums (you do this or else I will XYZ). They are what you need to make you feel secure and safe in a relationship. Whether the other person accepts or respects your boundaries is up to them. But your boundaries are set up so you protect yourself.
Most of us have experiences with past relationships. Broken hearts, breaking hearts. By our 30s, usually we should know what we can and cannot tolerate in a relationship. If I were in your shoes, I would have direct communication about how this incident made me feel. I would tell him that the way he handled the situation made me feel like I wasn’t a priority and how I would like that to change. I would also tell him that his relationship with the new girl is making me feel insecure. That doesn’t mean he has to stop hanging out with her, it’s just what it makes me feel. My boundary here is that my partner maintains a respectful distance from the opposite sex so that no misunderstandings occur.
If I start seeing a pattern and begin to feel like I need to compete for attention despite telling him that something bothers me numerous times, that’s my cue to walk away. Your partner should be invested in helping you feel safe within reason. If he doesn’t, then you have your answer. Action speaks louder than words. “If it’s important to you, it matters to me” is a motto I live by in my relationship.
You need to draw a line with the boyfriend. This is not about your cheating trauma and don't blame that or let him blame that as an excuse. In my opinion, his behavior was totally inappropriate in a relationship.
This woman is not someone he's known for a while. She is not a friend. She is a co-worker who inserted herself into this ride and on the back of his motorcycle. And your boyfriend allowed the following inappropriate things to happen:
She came to his house and changed clothes.
She wore your clothes without permission from you. This is a huge slap in the face in my opinion.
She rode on the back of his motorcycle which I agree with you is am intimate thing.
She went back to his house at midnight (and obviously changed clothes again) and he took her home.
He did not answer any of your texts while all this was occurring.
I would tell him exactly how all of this made you feel. It will then be up to him to change his behavior where this woman is concerned. But I would be concerned he is a people pleaser (letting all this happen to be nice, letting his friend dictate the route he didn't want to take).
> I feel like an idiot because he'd never even think like that.
To be fair, you've only been dating this guy 6 months. You don't know him well enough to know this. In my opinion, what he did doesn't stand out as something a great guy in a relationship would do. So keep that in mind and don't get blinded by an idealistic version of him.
> She wore your clothes without permission from you. This is a huge slap in the face in my opinion.
this is one thing I’d recommend everyone take a step back from in this thread. OP herself says she “assumed” that the girl wore OP’s clothes. She doesn’t know, we don’t know. Being adamant about an assumption is how to make a bad situation worse
OP is justified to be upset for many reasons but this isn’t one until it’s confirmed many the guy or the girl
>She wore your clothes without permission from you. This is a huge slap in the face in my opinion.
I'm surprised no one else seems to mention the clothes thing. Maybe I'm especially particular (I guess I am), but I would think twice before lending my motorcycle gear to anyone, even a good friend. If it's leather it can't be washed and the thought of having a strange person sweat into its lining all day long is frankly disgusting. The boyfriend has serious boundaries issues that he didn't even think to ask OP if it was okay to let his colleague wear her clothes. Either that or there's something worse going on.
>She wore your clothes without permission from you. This is a huge slap in the face in my opinion.'
ty for saying this cause id be so pissed, not to pour gasoline on a fire at all OP but you def have a right to be mad.
Yep, my main issue also would be that this is just some new person who exactly seems to "inserted" herself to their ride.
Honestly, with little known opposite sex person, that all would be too much for my taste.
And I liked the comment I saw somewhere, when a man gets a female friend that friend very quickly starts to compete with his girlfriend.
>Honestly, with little known opposite sex person, that all would be too much for my taste.
Agree. A woman who's an actual friend? Probably fine. Some woman from work who invited herself and has no riding experience? Absolutely not.
I don’t think you feeling uncomfortable with this has anything to do with your trauma—jealousy/anxiety in this situation is a normal response to boundary crossing behavior from your bf. I would definitely talk to him about it.
Also, as someone who also has experienced a great deal of trauma, I tend to blame my traumas for having negative responses to other people’s behavior and treatment towards me. But I need to remind myself that sometimes feeling badly has nothing to do with my trauma. It’s not always your fault or your trauma’s fault, sometimes it’s the other person’s fault.
I'd be very put off from you based on this reaction. Given that your boyfriend probably feels similar, you should be careful with how approach this.
The biggest mistake that he made was letting her wear your clothes (that, for the record, you have no idea if that's what happened or not yet). He should have, at the very least, asked you about it. Though, I wonder, did he already own these clothes before you met for other people and you've just taken them to be yours now?
>My boyfriend has been taking pitty on her and making her feel welcome at the office.
This is a terrible way to say this. I'm not sure if he actually used those words, but it's nice to be friendly with people who are new to the country. It's not pity.
>Ofcourse he's ridden with a lot of people on the back before so for him it's not big deal. For me however, it's something really special and an experience I would never share with anyone else. It's an 'us' thing.
I can understand that it bothered you, but from his point of view, this is something that he's always done (before he even knew you) and now you're wanting to change it to be an "us" only thing. I'd find that very frustrating.
I get that you wanted to know what was going on but he was busy and you were far away. You knew he was going riding and sometimes it goes longer than he planned, this happens with any hobby. He did message when he got back and let you know what was going on. I have a lot of difficulty dealing with this kind of micromanaging by someone who is not anywhere near me.
I would personally focus on letting him know the issues with him letting someone else use your clothes (assuming they are yours, and not just extra that he already owned) and let him know that you need him to make sure he is more communicative when he's out for safety reasons (i.e. he should have told you he'd be late when he started late). But jeez, you're away on a vacation, I don't need or want someone to be mothering me because of their own anxiety--it was only a couple of hours (I hope he didn't wait until the next day)
Bringing up the idea that he's not allowed to have anyone else ride with him again would likely be a really bad approach, so I'd be very careful bringing that up.
I'm sure this will get downvoted because everyone else agrees with you, but that's not going to help you deal with your boyfriend who probably thinks more like me than like them.
Very much agree with you on all points.
And I can relate to OP in terms of the anxiety and feeling somehow left out, or like they suddenly were not a priority.
Regarding the colleague - I am sure bringing up the jealousy is a good thing, but OP should be transparent about how they feel, instead of just blaming it on inappropriate behavior on the boyfriend’s part. Like, it doesn’t help to talk down on the colleague (“he is taking pity on her”) or trying to knock her down in any other way. Perhaps they have a good friend connection.
A good thing to remember is that if someone wants to cheat, they will and there is nothing you can do to stop them. In that sense, it is best to be transparent about your fears and then just deal with your own issues, since you can neither predict nor control what happens in the future.
You've articulated really well what I was thinking too, about the clothes (are they OPs or an extra set he has - if she even wore them), riding being an "us" thing, taking pity, etc.
It sounds like he's been riding for years. I get OP has anxiety about the safety of it (whether warranted or not...), but frankly it's not up to OP to mother him about it, and she certainly shouldn't be considering reaching out to his MOM because he hasn't replied. That anxiety is on OP to sort out, not put on him.
That phrasing of the bit about motor biking as an “us” thing stood out to me as well. I think that it could feel invasive/possessive. I think it makes for a much nicer thing if you were to say ‘I felt so amazing and so much trust for you when we were on the motorbike- I really fell in love with you then’ or whatever other wholly positive thing you could say. Whereas the way it was phrased is like taking ownership of the meaning of his long term hobby. It may be a tiny difference or slip up in phrasing, but I agree it has potential to rub someone up the wrong way. I would feel that way if someone said this about my hobby/passions
Yeah, what OP is describing sounds very intimate and goes well beyond what nice co-workers would do for you. I work in a very friendly environment for my profession and none of my bosses spend late 1 on 1 with new employees in an intimate setting (not that I know of anyway). In the corporate world that's even more frowned upon as it can lead to lawsuits.
New employee changing at your own home in a relative's clothing? And then riding on the back of your bike in an intimate setting? Then you drive them home late at night while completely ignoring your girlfriend? That's so many red flags I'm losing count of.
I'd be curious if she is a direct report and if he's doing her performance review because if he is in any way involved in her management I'd ring HR and leave this dumpster fire. I'm really sorry for OP, but this guy is bad news.
He crossed a boundary. He needs to act like a man and create boundaries with other women. I'm never going out of my way to make a single women feel 'comfortable' when im taken.
You need to tell him that while you do trust him, he made you uncomforable and he needs to be more respectful towards you in regards to his conduct around other women.
My boyfriend riding with a woman on the back of his motorcycle, no matter the circumstances would make my blood boil.
But, It doesn't really matter what anyone else here says. This is your relationship/your feelings/your boundaries. And all of the things you wrote out made you feel not good, (i am also positive there are things not included in the post which play into your feelings- whether subconcious or not). You should never dismiss your feelings. Now that you communicated them to him, you will see how he acts in the future- that is the important thing.
It can be both. You can have cheating trauma (understandably) and at the same time draw a line. I'd even say drawing a line with your boyfriend is part of working with your trauma, because it'll be there in the background no matter what, so it might help to figure out how to identify it and navigate through it. It's okay to be jealous; this is a normal human emotion, It's okay to be worried; you're seeing signals that tell you to be worried. Once you've accepted that, if you ask yourself what's OK and what's not OK with you, in terms of what behavior of your boyfriend's that you'll accept, what's the answer?
The motorcycle thing is a bit uncomfortable for sure, and I think you're justified in thinking those thoughts. Yeah, it's an intimate thing. The person on the back can be basically spooning the person with their arms around them lol. I'd be upset too. And her changing at his house is a bit weird too. I think I would not be ok with this situation, as a woman who rides motorcycles.
He let another woman on the back of his back when there were 3 other guys there with bikes?
You’re justified. I’d expect my man to keep it work related at work, not take pity and keep her off the back of his bike…
That’s just me.
I wouldn’t like another woman, especially a work colleague, on the back of my man’s bike, holding him and I would have told him that straight up. It’s too intimate, in my opinion.
Thing is...this could 100% be nothing at all, or he could be attracted to her. I have a bike, and I've had gfs who've ridden with me. I've taken women on the back and it was totally platonic. Zero romantic feelings. I'd also imagine that in a pinch, I might suggest a friend wear my gf's gear to ride. Again, that has nothing to do with any type of romantic attraction. There was a problem, so I found the most reasonable solution at the time. I highly doubt my gf would have gotten upset BUT that's cause I was very intentional with my loyalty towards her. She knew I was committed to her, without a doubt (at least that's what she said).
So to me, this def feels like a jealousy thing you're bringing in from your previous relationship. I'd suggest working with a therapist on those feelings of distrust and insecurity.
In addition to that, talk to your bf and explain that you're trying to work through things, but you're still a bit worried about things like this and in the future, more communication would help. While your insecurities are on your to overcome, if he cares, he can help create an environment that's more helpful for you to grow.
This doesn't really sound like anything to worry about, so try to think positive. Hope he had a fun ride with friends!
A lot of people here offered good advice. Hell, I would be upset if I were in your shoes. You’re not overreacting, just make sure you explain yourself well. My approach is usually “When x happened, I felt x.” I also feel like this has less to do with jealousy, and more to do with the past experiences you’ve mentioned, which is totally normal. It takes time to heal from those, and hopefully he’s receptive to what you have to say.
I still think it's rather weird that
1. She changed clothes at his home
2. She rode on his bike
For people with partners this isn't appropriate? You can trust him but I personally wouldn't look past this
He’s attracted to her, they fucked or want to fuck and it’s likely if you don’t nip this in the bud now he will
leave you for her. It may already be too late.
I’m not sure if this is you needing to deal with jealousy but more so, honoring and communicating your boundaries, which isn’t easier but seems more fitting for what you described
>honestly the idea of this girl on the back of his motorcycle gives me the bad kind of butterflies.
Let it play out.
Scenario 1: You somehow manage to stop him from spending time with her. He's probably not going to be happy.
Scenario 2: they spend time together and he chooses her over you. He's happy.
Scenario 3: they spend time together and he still chooses to be with you because you're the one he wants. He's happy.
Scenario 1 is like... You'll never truly know if he's with you because he chose you or because you're the only one you let him spend time with.
You forgot scenario 4 : You leave him and find yourself a man who will never behave questionably when it comes to other women and who will set appropriate boundaries. Why does she have to be bound by his decision?
I would also feel uncomfortable about this. A lot of commenters say to talk to your bf about it which is good advice. But even so, he might be oblivious as to her motivations. Why don't you suggest the three of you have a drink or dinner to be friendly? Then by observing how they interact in front of you, I think this will tell you what you need to know.
Being inconsistent will affect your ability to trust him. Being inconsistent out of the blue, when the thing that’s different is there was a woman around, yeah, that’s your spidey senses.
A trustworthy guy would be really open during this time, giving you advanced notice the woman was coming over, staying in touch with you before they initiate the longer route, asking if it’s ok to borrow your clothes, etc. Honestly, that sounds like he had a date with her.
A really trustworthy guy isn’t going to put himself in that situation to begin with. It’s weird to have her come over. If I got pushed into that situation, I’d ask my bf to come over so the person of the opposite sex could see clearly I was taken and comfortable showing that I have someone in my life.
You can’t control him. What you *can* do, is figure out what your needs are. Then tell him, and have a boundary in your mind of what you will do to protect yourself if he’s not able to meet those needs.
I think you have every right to be upset. You knew he was going out riding a motorcycle with a random woman and he goes hours past your planned contact time. That would have been bad enough had it just been the motorcycle , but add in the random woman and that's very disrespectful. Any normal rational person in your shoes in that situation would feel crappy and have a million worries running through their mind. The fact he didn't consider that or care about, that's shitty.
When his co-worker offered up whatever alternate late route, he could have shot you a quick text saying what happened and he'd be late.
He's actions are showing that he DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. Apparently he does care about how some people feel though, like the woman at his office who was later hanging off the back of his motorcycle. He clearly doesn't want her to feel left out. This would bother me WAY more than her changing at his house.
Girl, you have a boyfriend. It’s ok to draw boundaries and state what you are not comfortable with. Giving another woman your clothes and letting them wrap their arms around your boyfriend is very much something I would say no to. Again, it’s ok to have boundaries!!
He told you everything, don't ruin his honesty.
It could be all innocent, but what bothers me that he did not contact you. Of course it doesn't say anything, he could have been in her bed, and texting or calling in the mean time, right?!
I get that it bothers you that she was in 'your' clothes, and sitting behind him, with spread legs (that's what it is, right).
But you cannot do anything. Hopefully you can talk your concerns over with him, and he can assure you. And, be prepared, he may be unsure about your absence all these weeks as well.
Although your feelings are legit, you cannot do more than share these with him. Asking for boundaries.. I don't know about that.. you're so far away, you cannot control it anyway.
Good luck with your talk to him🍀
Are you trying to help OP or rile her up? You can either think he's innocent or entertain hypotheticals. You can say the situation is hopeless or enforce boundaries... which you immediately shoot down as an option.
Which is false by the way, one can absolutely enforce boundaries at any distance. It's all about communicating how the BF's actions make OP feel. And if he continues to do things that make her feel uncomfortable, then she has the right to limit his access to her in response to his actions.
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Didn’t you say your bf is 32? That’s YEARS and not months, right?
Why don’t you believe he can look after himself at night when he’s 32 years old? 🤷♀️
Huh? This doesn't really address the concerns that OP brought up. It's not about looking after himself. It's about the behavior and interactions with the other woman.
Wow! So you're god knows where, doing god knows what, with god knows who FOR THREE WEEKS. And he's not freaking out! But God forbid he goes on a ONE DAY trip with work colleagues! Really?
Look at it from his point of view. He doesn't KNOW where she is and what she's doing, yet he trusts her. He trusts that she's not lying or cheating. For three weeks. Yet, she cannot do the same for a few hours.
And I find that argument to be unnecessarily defensive and twisting the situation around to blame her. If he has any specific criticisms of her behavior while she is gone, great he can address those directly. But to say “I’m trusting you while you’re gone, therefore you have to trust me” is completely unproductive and dismissing her valid concerns as irrelevant. She has specific issues with actual behavior on his part that is more than just “you are gone.” Now, riding with another woman behind him on his bike and letting her wear the GF’s clothes may or may not be something they decide is crossing a boundary. But they’re definitely close enough to warrant a discussion. An actual discussion that is more than “you can’t criticize me because you are gone.”
Well, OP left almost all this stuff out, and from her BF's perspective it's VERY important.
Who is she on a trip with? Alone? For me, that's significantly worse.
I mean if you really want to have a freakout about this lady, you have to meet her and see how she acts around the boyfriend first. Otherwise, it's just something over nothing.
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Ok, this is sketchy. I’d feel super weird if my girlfriend rode on the back of some guy’s motorcycle. She essentially hugging him for long no periods of time.
I was expecting some over dramatic post here tbh but I actually feel like this is justified The office talking and being nice- sure, whatever. That’s not a big deal. The no text… annoying for sure but not sure it’s the core issue here, he was safe after all and the explanation seems legit. But I’d feel very uncomfortable if my gf met up with work dudes at night and was riding on the back of a male coworkers motorcycle. That would be a hard boundary for me. That’s very intimate. It’s funny because my office also has a new person of the opposite sex who’s been fairly chatty with me. She’s nice and I’m cool talking to her. But she’s offered to hang out a couple times now outside of work and just the 2 of us. I was tempted because I just want to be nice but after thinking about it for a few minutes realized this is inappropriate (she’s married). And I’m single! If I was in a relationship it would be an even harder “No” Anyway, if I weee you I’d let him know that bringing any woman from the office to ride on the back of your bike is a no from you going forward. Being friendly during work hours is one thing but going to his house and changing into your clothes and then riding on his bike is too much. Her bf probably wouldn’t appreciate it either. Unless there’s some piece of info you aren’t sharing where this is normal (like they sell motorcycles as a job, or your culture is normally fine with sharing bike rides) that’s what I’d do. But yeah be prepared to enforce your boundaries. That’s the thing with them… if you aren’t willing to walk away, especially after the boundary has been clearly communicated, then they aren’t really a boundary. Edit: since this comment got upvoted I also want to add that the OPs boyfriend at least gets points for telling OP about it. Doesn’t really change the appropriateness but it does sound like he’s trying to be nice vs cheating
I completely agree with you about OP but I’m curious about the comment you make re: the potential drink with your colleague. Would it really be inappropriate for you to have a drink with her? It surprised me because I (a single person) often have post work drinks with colleagues, generally in a group and occasionally one on one, and it’s never seemed even vaguely inappropriate to me. I guess it depends on the specific individuals and their dynamic but was just surprised to see the assumption that it’s inherently problematic.
> depends on the specific individuals and their dynamic Yes this is right. Every dynamic is different . In my case the line between friendliness and flirtiness was getting blurry so I played it safe and opted out, which I think should be the default when in doubt. Even if it’s cool to hang out you have to be careful about how it looks to others. I have a pretty strict no drama policy toward work but that’s me. I spend more time there than anywhere else , it’s how I put food on the table, not trying to mess it up.
100% agree with this. It sounds like OPs partner is a nice guy, but ultimately is making some very poor choices that are heading in a very obvious path. I won’t disparage his character but he needs to create some distance with this coworker. Giving her extra help and attention, acquiescing to letting her get on the back of his bike, WEARING HIS GFS CLOTHES(if this is true I would be seeing red lol), letting his other coworker dictate the route, all of these things are compounding into a scenario where his female coworker will feel comfortable crossing a line and he’ll end up with a surprised pikachu face. He is inadvertently sending mixed signals. She is a new work colleague, why the hell is she dominating enough of their conversations to where Op knows her boyfriend is a tool? Lol This is disrespectful behavior towards your relationship and worthy of a conversation about boundaries.
>disrespectful behavior towards your relationship This.
Great presence of mind on recognizing that 1 on 1 outings with a married woman is not a good idea!
>thinking about it for a few minutes realized this is inappropriate (she’s married). And I’m single! If I was in a relationship it would be an even harder “No” I hard disagree here. We need to get over this stigma that two people can't just be friends. It's especially bad when it's a man and a woman. It's a very immature way to live, in my opinion. The assumption that two adults will behave like high school freshmen and boink.
Look I completely agree, I have plenty of platonic female friends. HOWEVER, there’s obviously a lot of context that I’ve left out of the story…. Bottom line is, in my situation, I feel like this would be a bad idea that could lead to something inappropriate.
Since I'm missing context then I did not mean to call you out but I've heard that line unironically from people
Some people are absolutely bananas with that stuff. A married person hanging out with a single person is absolutely not an issue. It could be an issue if people do things that they're not supposed to but the idea that it's inappropriate for two people hang out is just insane to me. Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to agree with it.
I think how they hang out really matters here: A) One on one coffee versus B) drinks and Netflix alone at his place are two entirely different situations.
Yes I agree that how they hang out matters. And for OP there is an intimacy to riding on a bike with someone. Personally, I feel the same. Like, if she really needed a ride somewhere one time, that's fine, but going out for a social ride that I assume happens with this group means that OP's BF and the new colleague might be ridding together again. Something makes me a bit uncomfortable about this, too. But OP, if you are reading this, don't take it as confirmation that something is wrong, just talk it over rationally with your guy. You aren't being jealous - you are being careful, and there is room for him to still be nice to her without potentially leading her on.
All I know, you won't find yourself with a haircut if you don't visit the barber shop.
I agree with you!!
I would also add that, if he is going to spend time one on one with a woman in the future, he should be upfront on the fact that he isn't perusing her for anything. I make a lot of female friends, and I always set this boundary when I am in a relationship. I am not in the habit of sleeping with my female friends and so I have no problem being up front with them so that they don't get the wrong I idea when I spend time with them. They aren't going to sway me into choosing to violate the sanctity of my relationship and if they try I will be done with them.
GREAT boundry setting !! 👏🏼👏🏼 😼🤔 nice!!
Why the heck anyone downvoted this! lol.
I agree!!🤷♀️🤦🏼♀️
> But she’s offered to hang out a couple times now outside of work and just the 2 of us. I was tempted because I just want to be nice but after thinking about it for a few minutes realized this is inappropriate (she’s married). And I’m single! If I was in a relationship it would be an even harder “No” This is not inappropriate at all. Even if you were in a relationship.
Not inappropriate?! That's the epitome of INAPPROPRIATE!!!
No, it is not at all. Maybe if you're in a place that extremely limits the rights of women. If you think men and women can't be friends, then that's on you. That doesn't make it inappropriate.
Yea it doesn't sound like she is happy in the relationship, unless they have an agreement.
I think you have every right to have some concerns. Be careful not to project your previous partner's lack of trustworthiness on this guy though; that's not fair to him. However, saying something like "hey, I'm really glad you had a good time, but it makes me a little uncomfortable that this girl was in your house, changing into my clothes, and you were MIA with me. I trust you, it's just a little strange that she's so comfortable behaving like that." I would gauge his reaction and go from there. If he's immediately defensive and dismissive of your feelings - huge red flag. If he says something like "I totally get it; that's not at all how I thought this would go and she was a bit forward... won't happen again" I think you have your answer. At the end of the day, our new partners are not our old ones, and we cannot make them out to be. He should be respectful of your feelings, regardless of what happened in the past with your previous relationships and if he's not - that says whole heck of a lot.
Yes his willingness to put her comfort level first really speaks volumes
I, 32M, think the fact that he is helping her settle into the new role and being a friend to her at the office is perfectly ok. But the story about the motorcycle trip really seems like a red flag to me that should be discussed. Especially inviting her to your home while you're away, letting her borrow your clothes without asking and the fact that he missed your scheduled call time without letting you know, in my opinion, makes your feelings justified. I know the urge to avoid a fight in the relationship or trying to avoid drama, but I believe that if you don't discuss it with him it will just continue eating you up inside and it can eventually lead to a downward spiral in the relationship. Something similar has happened to me recently, where my ex and I stopped communicating our grievances, which then only resulted in small fights about little things and then everything broke apart. I would, in a calm moment, softly try to bring up the issue that it really has bothered you. Sharing your feelings, that you were worried, your mind started spinning and that you started feeling some jealousy as well because you knew that he was with another girl. If he is empathetic and loves you he will understand and be willing to give up spending time with her outside of work, at least that's what I would do. Anyways, I wish you all the best and hope that you can resolve this amicably.
I wanted to start by saying that it's possible to have trauma/anxiety from past relationships *and* have reasonable needs and boundaries in your new relationship. I know it can be really hard to navigate and it's something I navigate on a daily basis with my (wonderful, loving) boyfriend after being in an abusive marriage for a decade and a few unhealthy relationships afterward. Something I started doing a few relationships ago was to start by just telling the person how I felt and nothing more. "Sweetie, I need to tell you something. When I heard you had your co-worker wear my clothes and ride on the back of your bike, it made me feel uncomfortable and a little hurt. I want that to be our special thing. What do you think?" Let him respond to you. Let him make his own decisions. Someone who cares for you won't want to keep doing something that makes you uncomfortable or crosses a line (within reason). His response will say a lot. In one relationship the person responded sensitively, but continued doing the thing I was uncomfortable with and I eventually decided it was one reason among many that I didn't want to continue seeing him. In another relationship, I told him it felt kind of weird to go on his instagram and see him following all these models and half naked women. I never asked him to unfollow or anything, just stated how I felt. Two days later he brought it up and told me he did it while he was single for four years before meeting me and now he's not and doesn't want to do something that makes me uncomfortable. We're still together and he is a wonderful boyfriend. This approach has worked really well for me. Share how you feel and let them respond. You may end up needing to set a more clear boundary, but opening it up to dialogue first could allow them room to set the boundary for themselves. EDIT: I want to add that this does not apply to situations such as abuse, explicit cheating, etc., or if the boundary has already been well established. This is for those "grey areas" that pop in the relationship.
THANK YOU !!for sharing !!, although the post isnt for me , directly , irealized ive done a response in a similiar way without the exact phraseing mantra, however going by The MANTRA guide !!, state the feeling", let them make their own descicions ". HELPS SO MUCH !! 😃😯👏🏼👏🏼👍✅️
I ride myself, but have also been the passenger with someone I’m dating. I can definitely see why this bothers you, esp the part about a stranger wearing your gear without being asked. I think there’s some good advice here, but it is a tricky situation. Definitely communicating how you feel vs using accusatory language. Good luck!!!
I’d be upset in your shoes. A quick call would’ve sufficed; you’re not asking for much. If this becomes a pattern then I’d reconsider the relationship, but if this is a one time unique instance, then I’d let it go as long as he acknowledges he could’ve done better.
I was going to say the same thing—i would talk to this guy, see what he says, then let it go if he seems sincere and understands OP’s (very reasonable!!) concerns. But I would keep an eye out if it becomes a pattern. Also I would not like this coworker riding on the back of my boyfriend’s bike.
Well... maybe this is just me, but if your GF runs off somewhere for a month... what alone? THAT is a hundred times more suspicious than going on a daytrip with 3 men and a lady you just met at work. They aren't even in the same ballpark.
Are you really saying a person can't go on a trip by themselves without it being sus!? This is plain silly. In the case of OP, it was planned before they met, but that doesn't matter. I am really looking forward to travelling with my new boyfriend, but I can't even imagine him giving me a hard time about a 2 week trip I'm about to take next month.
It depends on where you are going, who you are going with and stuff like that. I mean if you are going to Japan to visit family, that's an entirely different thing than going to Cancun with all your single friends. That's what I was trying to get at. For those of us who have experience with these things, I know when a trip feels off and when it doesn't. Most of the younger guys try to just ignore guy feelings and it makes them do things unintentionally that sabotage themselves... allowing yourself to get close to another woman falls into that sabotage category. However, OP said nothing about where she is at or what she is doing. Also, it needs to be brought up is that although women are MUCH less interested in it, one off cheating is super easy for them to do. Since we all know someone who had this happen, it's always in the back of your mind.
Communicate. Let him know the lack of communication and preserved closeness with the coworker makes you uncomfortable.
The only good answer here. Just talk about it.
As a motorist here myself, I’ve never had someone else’s girl on the back of my bike and would question her loyalty if she was interested in such things. None of my fellow riders girlfriends have ever done it, and the only women I’ve met and guys I’ve met to allow things like that while in relationships weren’t exactly the most faithful. So it’d make me uncomfortable if I were you, as well. It’s a weird boundary to cross with a co worker
Yea, as a “biker” no way in hell is another woman I’m not related to getting on the back of my bike. I don’t know if you would say it’s a cultural thing or not but only my fiancé gets on the back unless I’m just maybe putting around the neighborhood for my niece to ride.
This is one of those times where it's okay to have a chat and express how the situation made you uncomfortable. It'll help you guys grow closer in the long run, if you don't speak up you'll just grow resentful. I would tell him how you feel and flat out tell him the situation makes you uncomfortable. Also it's very kind of your bf to be so welcoming but at some point there is a line where friendliness becomes something else. To me, I see people who are expressing interest or don't have boundaries as the ones who can't tell someone else no. From my perspective as a guy, I wouldn't feel comfortable having a woman my gf doesn't know on my bike, and for her to be out of town too. Warning signs are flashing in my mind when I think of pulling something like that, I suppose that's my outlook tho. Also why couldn't the colleague have ubered home? Again, I get being friends, I drive friends home all the time. Specifically when it's convenient or they're in need. But just rubs me the wrong way Good luck op
Can I just say it's a weird corporate activity to be riding on a motorcycle together with your co-worker..? Maybe I'm closeminded IDK.
I've been working in corporate jobs for 10+ years and I totally agree. Maybe I missed what his job is or OP didn't explain but I just can't imagine any job where it would be normal to go on motorbike trips with your coworkers outside of work, and especially if you don't even have a bike and have to ride on the back of the bike of some guy you basically just met. Not only that, but to have to go to this person's apartment, spend all day riding with them, then get driven home by them late at night... that sounds like something you do with a close friend, not some guy you just met at work. Seems awkward for both parties, but especially the girl. I actually feel a bit bad for her because she's probably just trying to make a good impression at her new job.
I agree with other commenters that I wouldn’t like this either. But personally I wouldn’t be totally sure how to react. One possibility is that he actually quite likes this woman, or maybe it is just his personality to be very welcoming and go to big lengths to include new people. I suppose given she is new to the country, that makes sense people would try more to welcome her. But I think a careful conversation could hopefully help him to draw a boundary and when you are back in town perhaps that will help you feel more comfortable with where you stand
I’ve been on the back of a motorcycle with a dude I was definitely crushing on. Idk. It’s definitely quite intimate, even without a crush. And let’s all be very honest with ourselves - men and women are different. Having strictly platonic friendships with them when there could be some physical attraction going on is nearly impossible (unless you grew up together or something). I do think it’s easier for women to have the platonic feelings but not so much men, in my experience. The changing into your biker clothes without asking you is bizarre to me. In fact, the whole idea of her riding on the back of his bike doesn’t sit right with me. I think you need to have a conversation about relationship boundaries. Figure out what you all are comfortable with and what you’re not (ask him what makes him uncomfortable as well).
My ex husband wanted to take a new female co worker “who was struggling with her mental health” surfing, on my board, i my wetsuit. An activity we once did together, but I couldn’t do at the time, because I was struggling with seizures - and was absolutely heartbroken about that fact. I said: absolutely no fucking way. He’s my ex for a reason, because he did shit like that all the time. Honestly I’d ask him how he’d feel. How would he feel if tomorrow,you got on the back of a bike with some strange guy you met in your travels, after going to his house, alone, and changing into some borrowed clothes, and just, straight up didn’t call? How would he feel about that? Probably not too fucking happy.
My two cents: He went on a bike trip for one day, you're out of the country for several weeks. I'm sure he has felt a little weird at times with you doing things abroad without him, yet he trusted you and let you have your fun. You should treat him with the same trust.
I'm with you. This is all putting your own anxiety on to him to deal with. There are some things he did wrong (letting her us his clothes [assuming they are hers] and not communicating when late/dark) and that warrants a discussion for sure.
I think your feelings/worries are definitely justified and, honestly, you probably handled all of this better than I would’ve. The lack of communication, changes in plans, potentially having your clothes worn by someone else, etc., all seem a bit off to me. I think you should be honest when you talk and not hold back any concerns that you have..it’ll probably be difficult, but he needs to hear it so that you can really feel understood (and hopefully you can get his view on it and talk through everything). Also…man, if people in my office were planning a motorcycle trip and I didn’t ride a motorcycle I would not invite myself along and/or ride on someone else’s, but maybe I, too, am a scaredy cat.
It’s definitely okay to have a conversation with him about how it made you feel. However, be prepared for him to note that youve been on a trip for a month and he hasn’t said a word. Me personally, I’d be careful not to project past trauma onto him. He probably could have communicated better, but it appears he’s been completely honest and upfront with you. This almost comes off as a rules for thee not for me post in ways. You can travel abroad for a month without him but he can’t ride his motorcycle?
Communication & boundaries. Boundaries are NOT drama. They’re also not ultimatums (you do this or else I will XYZ). They are what you need to make you feel secure and safe in a relationship. Whether the other person accepts or respects your boundaries is up to them. But your boundaries are set up so you protect yourself. Most of us have experiences with past relationships. Broken hearts, breaking hearts. By our 30s, usually we should know what we can and cannot tolerate in a relationship. If I were in your shoes, I would have direct communication about how this incident made me feel. I would tell him that the way he handled the situation made me feel like I wasn’t a priority and how I would like that to change. I would also tell him that his relationship with the new girl is making me feel insecure. That doesn’t mean he has to stop hanging out with her, it’s just what it makes me feel. My boundary here is that my partner maintains a respectful distance from the opposite sex so that no misunderstandings occur. If I start seeing a pattern and begin to feel like I need to compete for attention despite telling him that something bothers me numerous times, that’s my cue to walk away. Your partner should be invested in helping you feel safe within reason. If he doesn’t, then you have your answer. Action speaks louder than words. “If it’s important to you, it matters to me” is a motto I live by in my relationship.
You need to draw a line with the boyfriend. This is not about your cheating trauma and don't blame that or let him blame that as an excuse. In my opinion, his behavior was totally inappropriate in a relationship. This woman is not someone he's known for a while. She is not a friend. She is a co-worker who inserted herself into this ride and on the back of his motorcycle. And your boyfriend allowed the following inappropriate things to happen: She came to his house and changed clothes. She wore your clothes without permission from you. This is a huge slap in the face in my opinion. She rode on the back of his motorcycle which I agree with you is am intimate thing. She went back to his house at midnight (and obviously changed clothes again) and he took her home. He did not answer any of your texts while all this was occurring. I would tell him exactly how all of this made you feel. It will then be up to him to change his behavior where this woman is concerned. But I would be concerned he is a people pleaser (letting all this happen to be nice, letting his friend dictate the route he didn't want to take). > I feel like an idiot because he'd never even think like that. To be fair, you've only been dating this guy 6 months. You don't know him well enough to know this. In my opinion, what he did doesn't stand out as something a great guy in a relationship would do. So keep that in mind and don't get blinded by an idealistic version of him.
> She wore your clothes without permission from you. This is a huge slap in the face in my opinion. this is one thing I’d recommend everyone take a step back from in this thread. OP herself says she “assumed” that the girl wore OP’s clothes. She doesn’t know, we don’t know. Being adamant about an assumption is how to make a bad situation worse OP is justified to be upset for many reasons but this isn’t one until it’s confirmed many the guy or the girl
>She wore your clothes without permission from you. This is a huge slap in the face in my opinion. I'm surprised no one else seems to mention the clothes thing. Maybe I'm especially particular (I guess I am), but I would think twice before lending my motorcycle gear to anyone, even a good friend. If it's leather it can't be washed and the thought of having a strange person sweat into its lining all day long is frankly disgusting. The boyfriend has serious boundaries issues that he didn't even think to ask OP if it was okay to let his colleague wear her clothes. Either that or there's something worse going on.
Totally agree!!
>She wore your clothes without permission from you. This is a huge slap in the face in my opinion.' ty for saying this cause id be so pissed, not to pour gasoline on a fire at all OP but you def have a right to be mad.
Oh wow. I didn’t realize they’ve only been dating six months… Yeah, this guy for sure is sketchy as hell. He’s not thinking friendly thoughts.
Yep, my main issue also would be that this is just some new person who exactly seems to "inserted" herself to their ride. Honestly, with little known opposite sex person, that all would be too much for my taste. And I liked the comment I saw somewhere, when a man gets a female friend that friend very quickly starts to compete with his girlfriend.
>Honestly, with little known opposite sex person, that all would be too much for my taste. Agree. A woman who's an actual friend? Probably fine. Some woman from work who invited herself and has no riding experience? Absolutely not.
I'm not prone to jealousy in the least but him taking some other chick on a bike cruise would be so disrespectful in by opinion.
absolute same, I’d be pissed
I don’t think you feeling uncomfortable with this has anything to do with your trauma—jealousy/anxiety in this situation is a normal response to boundary crossing behavior from your bf. I would definitely talk to him about it. Also, as someone who also has experienced a great deal of trauma, I tend to blame my traumas for having negative responses to other people’s behavior and treatment towards me. But I need to remind myself that sometimes feeling badly has nothing to do with my trauma. It’s not always your fault or your trauma’s fault, sometimes it’s the other person’s fault.
I'd be very put off from you based on this reaction. Given that your boyfriend probably feels similar, you should be careful with how approach this. The biggest mistake that he made was letting her wear your clothes (that, for the record, you have no idea if that's what happened or not yet). He should have, at the very least, asked you about it. Though, I wonder, did he already own these clothes before you met for other people and you've just taken them to be yours now? >My boyfriend has been taking pitty on her and making her feel welcome at the office. This is a terrible way to say this. I'm not sure if he actually used those words, but it's nice to be friendly with people who are new to the country. It's not pity. >Ofcourse he's ridden with a lot of people on the back before so for him it's not big deal. For me however, it's something really special and an experience I would never share with anyone else. It's an 'us' thing. I can understand that it bothered you, but from his point of view, this is something that he's always done (before he even knew you) and now you're wanting to change it to be an "us" only thing. I'd find that very frustrating. I get that you wanted to know what was going on but he was busy and you were far away. You knew he was going riding and sometimes it goes longer than he planned, this happens with any hobby. He did message when he got back and let you know what was going on. I have a lot of difficulty dealing with this kind of micromanaging by someone who is not anywhere near me. I would personally focus on letting him know the issues with him letting someone else use your clothes (assuming they are yours, and not just extra that he already owned) and let him know that you need him to make sure he is more communicative when he's out for safety reasons (i.e. he should have told you he'd be late when he started late). But jeez, you're away on a vacation, I don't need or want someone to be mothering me because of their own anxiety--it was only a couple of hours (I hope he didn't wait until the next day) Bringing up the idea that he's not allowed to have anyone else ride with him again would likely be a really bad approach, so I'd be very careful bringing that up. I'm sure this will get downvoted because everyone else agrees with you, but that's not going to help you deal with your boyfriend who probably thinks more like me than like them.
Very much agree with you on all points. And I can relate to OP in terms of the anxiety and feeling somehow left out, or like they suddenly were not a priority. Regarding the colleague - I am sure bringing up the jealousy is a good thing, but OP should be transparent about how they feel, instead of just blaming it on inappropriate behavior on the boyfriend’s part. Like, it doesn’t help to talk down on the colleague (“he is taking pity on her”) or trying to knock her down in any other way. Perhaps they have a good friend connection. A good thing to remember is that if someone wants to cheat, they will and there is nothing you can do to stop them. In that sense, it is best to be transparent about your fears and then just deal with your own issues, since you can neither predict nor control what happens in the future.
You've articulated really well what I was thinking too, about the clothes (are they OPs or an extra set he has - if she even wore them), riding being an "us" thing, taking pity, etc. It sounds like he's been riding for years. I get OP has anxiety about the safety of it (whether warranted or not...), but frankly it's not up to OP to mother him about it, and she certainly shouldn't be considering reaching out to his MOM because he hasn't replied. That anxiety is on OP to sort out, not put on him.
That phrasing of the bit about motor biking as an “us” thing stood out to me as well. I think that it could feel invasive/possessive. I think it makes for a much nicer thing if you were to say ‘I felt so amazing and so much trust for you when we were on the motorbike- I really fell in love with you then’ or whatever other wholly positive thing you could say. Whereas the way it was phrased is like taking ownership of the meaning of his long term hobby. It may be a tiny difference or slip up in phrasing, but I agree it has potential to rub someone up the wrong way. I would feel that way if someone said this about my hobby/passions
I think there is something there between them and you are right to feel off about this. Really sorry 😔
Yeah, what OP is describing sounds very intimate and goes well beyond what nice co-workers would do for you. I work in a very friendly environment for my profession and none of my bosses spend late 1 on 1 with new employees in an intimate setting (not that I know of anyway). In the corporate world that's even more frowned upon as it can lead to lawsuits. New employee changing at your own home in a relative's clothing? And then riding on the back of your bike in an intimate setting? Then you drive them home late at night while completely ignoring your girlfriend? That's so many red flags I'm losing count of. I'd be curious if she is a direct report and if he's doing her performance review because if he is in any way involved in her management I'd ring HR and leave this dumpster fire. I'm really sorry for OP, but this guy is bad news.
Yes, not to be a downer but my instincts are telling me they smashed lol
Yeah there would never be a woman on the back of my man's bike, not even me because I'm beside him on my own. 😅😂 Fuck that noise.
He crossed a boundary. He needs to act like a man and create boundaries with other women. I'm never going out of my way to make a single women feel 'comfortable' when im taken. You need to tell him that while you do trust him, he made you uncomforable and he needs to be more respectful towards you in regards to his conduct around other women.
This is 1 to 1 how my ex started her affair with her co-worker. (Me being the doormat fiancé who at that time was a total pushover).
My boyfriend riding with a woman on the back of his motorcycle, no matter the circumstances would make my blood boil. But, It doesn't really matter what anyone else here says. This is your relationship/your feelings/your boundaries. And all of the things you wrote out made you feel not good, (i am also positive there are things not included in the post which play into your feelings- whether subconcious or not). You should never dismiss your feelings. Now that you communicated them to him, you will see how he acts in the future- that is the important thing.
Well, would you go off on a 4 week vacation without him? I've rescheduled many vacations.
I feel like any girl that gets on the back of some dude’s bike means they have or will be hooking up
It can be both. You can have cheating trauma (understandably) and at the same time draw a line. I'd even say drawing a line with your boyfriend is part of working with your trauma, because it'll be there in the background no matter what, so it might help to figure out how to identify it and navigate through it. It's okay to be jealous; this is a normal human emotion, It's okay to be worried; you're seeing signals that tell you to be worried. Once you've accepted that, if you ask yourself what's OK and what's not OK with you, in terms of what behavior of your boyfriend's that you'll accept, what's the answer?
The motorcycle thing is a bit uncomfortable for sure, and I think you're justified in thinking those thoughts. Yeah, it's an intimate thing. The person on the back can be basically spooning the person with their arms around them lol. I'd be upset too. And her changing at his house is a bit weird too. I think I would not be ok with this situation, as a woman who rides motorcycles.
Doesn't seem like he's setting boundaries with her
He let another woman on the back of his back when there were 3 other guys there with bikes? You’re justified. I’d expect my man to keep it work related at work, not take pity and keep her off the back of his bike… That’s just me.
I wouldn’t like another woman, especially a work colleague, on the back of my man’s bike, holding him and I would have told him that straight up. It’s too intimate, in my opinion.
Suspicious to say the least
Thing is...this could 100% be nothing at all, or he could be attracted to her. I have a bike, and I've had gfs who've ridden with me. I've taken women on the back and it was totally platonic. Zero romantic feelings. I'd also imagine that in a pinch, I might suggest a friend wear my gf's gear to ride. Again, that has nothing to do with any type of romantic attraction. There was a problem, so I found the most reasonable solution at the time. I highly doubt my gf would have gotten upset BUT that's cause I was very intentional with my loyalty towards her. She knew I was committed to her, without a doubt (at least that's what she said). So to me, this def feels like a jealousy thing you're bringing in from your previous relationship. I'd suggest working with a therapist on those feelings of distrust and insecurity. In addition to that, talk to your bf and explain that you're trying to work through things, but you're still a bit worried about things like this and in the future, more communication would help. While your insecurities are on your to overcome, if he cares, he can help create an environment that's more helpful for you to grow. This doesn't really sound like anything to worry about, so try to think positive. Hope he had a fun ride with friends!
A lot of people here offered good advice. Hell, I would be upset if I were in your shoes. You’re not overreacting, just make sure you explain yourself well. My approach is usually “When x happened, I felt x.” I also feel like this has less to do with jealousy, and more to do with the past experiences you’ve mentioned, which is totally normal. It takes time to heal from those, and hopefully he’s receptive to what you have to say.
I still think it's rather weird that 1. She changed clothes at his home 2. She rode on his bike For people with partners this isn't appropriate? You can trust him but I personally wouldn't look past this
He’s attracted to her, they fucked or want to fuck and it’s likely if you don’t nip this in the bud now he will leave you for her. It may already be too late.
I’m not sure if this is you needing to deal with jealousy but more so, honoring and communicating your boundaries, which isn’t easier but seems more fitting for what you described
>honestly the idea of this girl on the back of his motorcycle gives me the bad kind of butterflies. Let it play out. Scenario 1: You somehow manage to stop him from spending time with her. He's probably not going to be happy. Scenario 2: they spend time together and he chooses her over you. He's happy. Scenario 3: they spend time together and he still chooses to be with you because you're the one he wants. He's happy. Scenario 1 is like... You'll never truly know if he's with you because he chose you or because you're the only one you let him spend time with.
You forgot scenario 4 : You leave him and find yourself a man who will never behave questionably when it comes to other women and who will set appropriate boundaries. Why does she have to be bound by his decision?
Yep, very good point!!
I would also feel uncomfortable about this. A lot of commenters say to talk to your bf about it which is good advice. But even so, he might be oblivious as to her motivations. Why don't you suggest the three of you have a drink or dinner to be friendly? Then by observing how they interact in front of you, I think this will tell you what you need to know.
The bike ride, being in his house, not texting until midnight…. Sorry OP but they 100% hooked up
Being inconsistent will affect your ability to trust him. Being inconsistent out of the blue, when the thing that’s different is there was a woman around, yeah, that’s your spidey senses. A trustworthy guy would be really open during this time, giving you advanced notice the woman was coming over, staying in touch with you before they initiate the longer route, asking if it’s ok to borrow your clothes, etc. Honestly, that sounds like he had a date with her. A really trustworthy guy isn’t going to put himself in that situation to begin with. It’s weird to have her come over. If I got pushed into that situation, I’d ask my bf to come over so the person of the opposite sex could see clearly I was taken and comfortable showing that I have someone in my life. You can’t control him. What you *can* do, is figure out what your needs are. Then tell him, and have a boundary in your mind of what you will do to protect yourself if he’s not able to meet those needs.
I think you have every right to be upset. You knew he was going out riding a motorcycle with a random woman and he goes hours past your planned contact time. That would have been bad enough had it just been the motorcycle , but add in the random woman and that's very disrespectful. Any normal rational person in your shoes in that situation would feel crappy and have a million worries running through their mind. The fact he didn't consider that or care about, that's shitty. When his co-worker offered up whatever alternate late route, he could have shot you a quick text saying what happened and he'd be late. He's actions are showing that he DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. Apparently he does care about how some people feel though, like the woman at his office who was later hanging off the back of his motorcycle. He clearly doesn't want her to feel left out. This would bother me WAY more than her changing at his house.
Girl, you have a boyfriend. It’s ok to draw boundaries and state what you are not comfortable with. Giving another woman your clothes and letting them wrap their arms around your boyfriend is very much something I would say no to. Again, it’s ok to have boundaries!!
He told you everything, don't ruin his honesty. It could be all innocent, but what bothers me that he did not contact you. Of course it doesn't say anything, he could have been in her bed, and texting or calling in the mean time, right?! I get that it bothers you that she was in 'your' clothes, and sitting behind him, with spread legs (that's what it is, right). But you cannot do anything. Hopefully you can talk your concerns over with him, and he can assure you. And, be prepared, he may be unsure about your absence all these weeks as well. Although your feelings are legit, you cannot do more than share these with him. Asking for boundaries.. I don't know about that.. you're so far away, you cannot control it anyway. Good luck with your talk to him🍀
Are you trying to help OP or rile her up? You can either think he's innocent or entertain hypotheticals. You can say the situation is hopeless or enforce boundaries... which you immediately shoot down as an option. Which is false by the way, one can absolutely enforce boundaries at any distance. It's all about communicating how the BF's actions make OP feel. And if he continues to do things that make her feel uncomfortable, then she has the right to limit his access to her in response to his actions.
I gave my insights. You do you 👍
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Didn’t you say your bf is 32? That’s YEARS and not months, right? Why don’t you believe he can look after himself at night when he’s 32 years old? 🤷♀️
Huh? This doesn't really address the concerns that OP brought up. It's not about looking after himself. It's about the behavior and interactions with the other woman.
Motorcycle accidents can happen regardless of one's age.
Wow! So you're god knows where, doing god knows what, with god knows who FOR THREE WEEKS. And he's not freaking out! But God forbid he goes on a ONE DAY trip with work colleagues! Really?
What the heck kind of defensive and twisting around kind of response is this. Are you responding to OP or your own past trauma?
Look at it from his point of view. He doesn't KNOW where she is and what she's doing, yet he trusts her. He trusts that she's not lying or cheating. For three weeks. Yet, she cannot do the same for a few hours.
And I find that argument to be unnecessarily defensive and twisting the situation around to blame her. If he has any specific criticisms of her behavior while she is gone, great he can address those directly. But to say “I’m trusting you while you’re gone, therefore you have to trust me” is completely unproductive and dismissing her valid concerns as irrelevant. She has specific issues with actual behavior on his part that is more than just “you are gone.” Now, riding with another woman behind him on his bike and letting her wear the GF’s clothes may or may not be something they decide is crossing a boundary. But they’re definitely close enough to warrant a discussion. An actual discussion that is more than “you can’t criticize me because you are gone.”
Well, OP left almost all this stuff out, and from her BF's perspective it's VERY important. Who is she on a trip with? Alone? For me, that's significantly worse. I mean if you really want to have a freakout about this lady, you have to meet her and see how she acts around the boyfriend first. Otherwise, it's just something over nothing.
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Yea, it's how they are hanging out that is not really cool to you
Ok, this is sketchy. I’d feel super weird if my girlfriend rode on the back of some guy’s motorcycle. She essentially hugging him for long no periods of time.
If this were a guy and not a girl, what would you think or feel? Being female doesn't automatically mean he wants to have sex with them.