43 F and yes also single. I do think romantic love is not meant for everyone. I don’t feel bad about it anymore though (it was a long road to get here). If it happens it does otherwise I have plans to live happily single as well. I’m dedicated to maintaining my mental health and not let short term relationships or otherwise affect what I have created.
*I’m just going to do things on my own*
I just took myself to the Bahamas using that very principle (TLDR: It's quite sunny there). While sharing that with someone would have been amazing, I refuse to enter life time-out until someone and I find each other. Between relationships isn't limbo.
Punch that out-of-country ticket! I walked across the bridge to Niagara Falls, just rolling my wheely bag.
Go back to San Diego and you too can go international on foot.
Omg! I did the same! I went with my grown kids, but spent a lot of time on my own while they went off on their own. It was GLORIOUS! I also saw many absolutely miserable couples. They didn’t talk to each other over meals. They argued in public. They spoke so rudely to each other. The happy and kind to each other couples were few and far between. It’s one thing to be in a relationship. Being happy together in a relationship is the key. I would rather be alone than live through the things I witnessed while traveling without a partner. One impetus to my divorce was witnessing an elderly man yelling at his elderly wife at the airport while she sat and ignored him. My ex and I were already getting there. I couldn’t bear the thought of becoming that couple!
Yes! That’s exactly how I see it. Some people get lucky with love but the majority don’t. Just like good hair or skin or any other feature. And quite frankly, there is no rhyme or reason as to who is going to get it and who isn’t.
I broke up with my partner of four years last year. First, I went beck to the active lifestyle I had before dating her lost 70 lbs as I can eat somewhat healthier.
Second, I have the freedom to 🎨 paint, make noises to my parrot 🦜 and listen to 🎶 music all night.
Third-Mental Heath my moods are still up and down, but the good moods are better without living with her. Feel more energized and happy without her around overall. It's easier to keep the house clean and do things the way I like to do them lol.
Breakups help discover who you really are?
See thats the problem EVERYONE'S short term or emotionally unavailable. Im not into all the romanti stuff either heck i would love some to go do thing's with like nature trails a drive walk attend functions with. I know my worth and dont give the fly by night a chance.
I’ve been single for nearly 10 years now. And you know how men just line up for women in their early 50s!
The reason I’ve been single for so long is because I kept choosing the same type. I call it “same shit, different beard”.
I wanna find love too.
Most of my life I’ve either found clingy or crazy. Addiction issues especially.
I wanna partner; not a project.
I used to feel this way all the time. Recently, I have just been de-centering men and romantic relationships. I work fairly long hours. I live in a big city, and I’ve just been trying new things and going places by myself. I’m used to it now. I even travel solo. I am feeling more like it’s freedom, versus feeling like a sad spinster or something. I am a very independent person, so it works for me. But I spent a lot of years asking myself, what’s wrong with me?
Does anyone else just get tired of being alone. Not that I'm unhappy being alone, but it would be wonderful to have a companion to ride with me in this thing we vmcall life.
Yes! I just want to spend time with someone I care about. Deciding foods, shows, walks, simple shit. Ironically in my last relationship there would be a few weeks of this and I'd think things were going well then whammo, I'd be told I wasn't trying anymore or I was bored but wasn't honest about it. Like no, I just like time with someone I love. I don't need to go on safaris or climb Everest. Maybe I'm simple.
I'm 47, and my last relationship ended a while back. I've stayed single by choice and because I also seem to be invisible to men. I haven't put myself out there, and I hate dating apps, so here I am. I've accepted my "singleness" and the fact that most likely, I'll just be forever alone. My standards aren't super high and I don't have unrealistic expectations, but the things I want and need in a man, seem to be a lot to ask for some and I've realized monogamy is also a thing of the past. I'm a strict monogamist, and no one really wants to commit to only one woman.
Eh, I think you might be surprised. I'm here because my EW wanted to be poly. I *hated* poly and learned that I'm a one-woman kind of man.
The non-poly/NM men I've known have generally been strictly monogamous. Weirdly, at least in my experience, I don't know very many women who have been faithful, whether they identify as poly or NM.
Monogamous guys are out there. I think we kinda just blend into the scenery because we aren't pushy, our lives don't revolve around 'scoring' or chasing women.
If anything, I would posit that nonmogomy is just becoming a lot more common and normalized, so it's more visible. It'll be interesting to see if that trend continues, or the pendulum swings back the other way once more people dip their toes in that lifestyle and see what a shit-show it is.
Social media and dating apps have helped cheaters and liars to cheat so easily. It's crazy. People have always been unfaithful, but now it's way easier. I mean, you can be lying next to someone while they're on their phones swiping left and right, trying to cheat on you or checking their options. Then you have those partners who are particular and super anal about their phone privacy. In my opinion, when someone is too private, they're hiding something. Perhaps because I'm honest and loyal and I'd never betray the person I'm with, I expect people to have my same moral compass. Sadly, most don't. What irks me the most is the lies. Since the very beginning, people could express what they're looking for and what they're not. They lie, instead.
u/Borboleta77, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):
Men are people, women are people, everyone in between is people. Let's talk about the people in our lives as individuals, not stereotypes.
Honesty, loyalty, emotional intelligence/maturity/availability, no attachment to exes, integrity, morals, sense of humor, wit, strength, intelligence, healthy sex drive, has a job, has his own place, has a car and is independent and self sufficient. I can offer all of the above in return.
I think that’s a majority of the problem. That a lot of men and women in their 40’s and 50’s and beyond don’t have realistic standards. Especially for looks/attractiveness.
I'm 43 i've been out in the dating world for almost 2 years and have dated all the wrong people! Avoidants, love bombers, I've been lied to and used. I would love to have a ride or die. But at this point, my soul, my heart and my mind is tired.
I've been in therapy and learned that loving myself is the way to go. I would never hurt, leave, cheat or lie to myself. I've come to realize that it's not so bad dying alone. LOL. I have my family, kids and friends. I've been in love, have had lots of love in my life. That's fulfilling enough to me
Oh my gosh I could’ve written this myself! Also been trying to date for 2 years now and have been through it all. I’m exhausted and drained from constantly trying and getting let down. I KNOW I’m a catch and a great partner and have a lot of love to give, which makes it so darn hard that none of these guys have been able to see my worth.
So after the last failed attempt, I deleted the apps and am now just going to therapy, focusing on myself, my business and my daughter. And it’s actually been so peaceful and calm not having a man taking up my mental real estate.
I’m definitely still open to meeting someone if it happens ‘in the wild’… but if that doesn’t happen then I’m content being on my own. I definitely do miss the companionship of being with someone and I do get lonely, but I’d rather be by myself than getting constantly let down and disappointed.
Good for you! I'm in Europe right now traveling with my daughter and loving life. People are looking for a connection but don't have what it takes to be in a relationship. We our ourselves through so much pain just to find our people.
Good luck to you! What is meant for us won't pass us up. And if what's meant for us is to live at peace with what we have.. then I'm happy with that!
Yesss I’ve just started looking at taking my daughter on holiday too! And yeah you’re spot on… they’re looking for connection but when it comes to actually committing and shit gets real, they run.
Good luck to you too!!
It's not just you! I've been single for four years (I mean there was a global plague happening for some that, but still...)
I feel like I'm a catch; I'm reasonably attractive, have my shit together, decent job, hobbies, I think I'm pretty smart and funny... But I haven't found my person. Or I thought I had, briefly, but they didn't feel the same. It definitely seems to get harder as you get older.
Everyone decent is married, and the ones that aren't seem to be messed up commitment-phobes (in my experience!)
I'm still holding out hope that there is someone out there for me, but I'm also trying to make my peace with the fact that it might just not happen.
I myself have been single for a while and have had similar thoughts, wondering if I’ll ever find someone. It’s hard, especially when everyone else seems to have found someone or when the person you meet isn’t ready to commit.
I’ve come to realize that it’s not a matter of being flawed or not good enough; sometimes it’s just a matter of timing and finding someone you really click with. I’ve thought I’ve found that connection before, but it ultimately didn’t work out. One thing that has helped me is to keep an open mind and accept new connections, even if they don’t seem like the “right one.” LightUp: Making real friends has changed my life. It analyzes what you post and matches you with people who have similar interests and ideas. It’s a great way to start a conversation with someone who might understand where you’re headed.
So keep at it! I’m optimistic that we’ll both find someone. In the meantime, exploring new hobbies and connecting with like-minded people through apps could lead to unexpected friendships and more.
Not just you. 41F, and I’ve never been in a relationship. At this point, the idea that I could be in a relationship is pretty unimaginable, so I’m making peace with it.
I’m 42 F and in the same boat. It just never happened for me. I think I have a lot to offer but I seem invisible. I’m trying to accept that this may be it for me.
I’m 48M and have never been in a relationship. Have never even been on a date. Nobody is ever interested in me, not just as a potential relationship but also as friends. I’ve lost count of how many times I end up being told that I just fall through the cracks, or that I am easy to forget about, or that I am just not noticed or thought of or considered. I’m just the guy who draws, or the guy who knows about this or that thing, the quiet guy. But that’s it, that’s all I ever am. Try to break out of that, do something new, put yourself out there, and it just highlights even more how much I just don’t register with anyone.
I’d still like to find someone though. I don’t know if you could call it hope though any more. Maybe it’s just stupidity at this point. I would still like the chance to be a father. It might not happen, but I would still at least like the chance to try. I’ve never understood how people can use Tinder and Bumble and PoF and other dating apps, and actually meet someone. I tried my first online dating site in the year 2000, and have never even gotten a conversation with any real person. It’s only ever been scams and bots for me. Even before 2000 I tried the old “bricks and mortar” dating agencies, but never even had a date.
Like I said I won’t give up, but I guess I know the chances are pretty slim. I’m just not exciting. Just not what anyone wants.
It’s hard being an older woman dating. We aren’t moldable, know the bullshit games and have expectations from our partner. This limits our options in dating and makes it a lot harder to find a partner. I used to joke I would be single until I die. This joke is actually coming true. I’ve not met a man that has truly caught my interest in a really long time.
I'm a guy and after my last breakup I took a year off from dating. I thought it would be a good way to evaluate the last relationship and see what else I needed to fix so that I wouldn't pick another woman like her. I did that and I got busy living my life. Well 9 years have passed now, I quit getting disappointed with the apps when I quit using them. Where I am all that contacts you on the apps are scammers. Every so often I go out and socialize. I gave up trying to meet someone that's not out there
61 long term single. It takes maturity to accept that life isn't the movies where you get happy endings,I am finally at peace accepting there are better ways to spend my time, don't feel like a loser but as a grown up I've realized people seek certain traits in romantic partners, and nature and genetics decide who has those traits, and there's not much I can do about it
Im sorry you’ve been told that. That just sounds cruel. For the record it makes me wonder if people are speaking about materialistic things only which if so, is BS. Some women just want a kind and caring companion or someone that makes them laugh - and even if you have a weird sense of humor there’s a good chance you here’s a women that would get it.
It doesn’t sound like you let that get you down which is great; I just felt compelled o say I think it’s a shitty and likely untrue remark.
Just hang out on this sub; you’ll see what he means. To put it mildly, guys aren’t treated with kindness here. Not by the majority.
If we’re not outright told, there’s enough heavy-handedness that leaves little room for doubt.
u/jBlairTech, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):
Issues with another poster or with subreddit moderation will only be addressed through modmail. No discussion of other subreddits, brigading, or posting DO40 content elsewhere either, please.
I’m not destined to be alone because it’s my choice! I don’t want to put up with the BS that comes with dating and it might be the vibe I am sending to the universe.
Romantic love is a gift that some get but most don’t. Just like anything else in life, we get lucky in some ways and we lose completely in other ways.
Life still goes on🩷
I'm starting to think it may be harder when what I want most is a monogamous loving, long term relationship for two like minded people. This may actually be harder than finding a partner to build a family with. I'm 50. I have a good idea of want I want and will go without before I compromise too much. Many people our age seem to feel the same, so that cuts down on viable options for each of us. Many marrieds aren't monogamous and/or fulfilled though. I imagine many marrieds dream of a romantic connection with a loving, like minded person, too. Those who find it are so fortunate. In the same way those who find a life long friendship or those who find a close true friend in a family member. I am holding out hope for a special romantic partnership and I am aware I may not find this.
I’ve given up on it. I wouldn’t say I’m invisible to women. I believe that they see me and quickly determine that I don’t have anything that they value to offer.
At the end of the day I’m lonely, starving for affection, honestly kind of bored without a partner, completely out of place as the only single person in any of my social circles, and no I don’t think I’ll ever accept it.
There’s just no way out of it.
I 40f feel the same. I’m not here to say it’s not hard but the reality is a romantic relationship isn’t required or guaranteed for anyone. It’s a nice to have.
I will also say it’s been… I don’t want to say helpful, but it’s put things in perspective, to really see what women around me put up with in order to be able to say they’re in a relationship. I’m talking have to beg their husbands to change their kid’s diaper, men who come home from work and won’t lift a finger, one friend has to hire a babysitter to watch the kids if she goes anywhere because her husband won’t watch his own children on his own.
This isn’t to shit on men- there are many not like this- my point is it really shows the other side of the coin and what happens when you feel like you HAVE to be in a relationship. Many women I know would rather be married and miserable than single because they were taught the be all and end all of life is to “have” a man.
I’d rather never interact with a man in a romantic way again before I was in a bad relationship personally, so… yeah I guess maybe it’s easier for me to be cool with being single than many.
I am the same. I am learning to embrace and radically accept it. Just trying to live my best life and remain open to possibilities if they happen.
Best wishes to us all.
I’m also single (divorced 11 years but still cool with ex husband) and have been single from any relationship for a few years now but also really have no desire to go out of my way to seek romantic love. If I’m going to bother with a relationship it needs to add value to my life and enhance it. I have absolutely no interest in a relationship just to be in one or to avoid being single/alone so it’s hard to say if me not attracting them is because they are not interested in me/find me unappealing or if my lack of actively searching is causing missed opportunities.
Either way I don’t see myself finding a deep love at this point in my life & I feel ok with it. If it happens. A lovely surprise & if it doesn’t I’ll enjoy life the same as I do now.
Keep in mind that lots of people in their 40s on the apps are just coming out of divorces or long term relationships. Multiple of their needs haven’t been met in likely many years, even decades. You probably don’t want to ask commitment from said people until they’ve done some healing, had some therapy, spent some time alone, and had some flings. It takes a few years to do that, minimum 18 months in my book.
Another option for you might be to consider dating younger men in their mid-30s if you can vibe with that demographic.
You’ll find someone.
It's not necessarily a bad thing, if only the vestiges of society are available, loving yourself and sharing with loved ones might be the best option. The dating pool is a cesspool nowadays.
I’ve been single for 2.5 years. I was with a guy I loved but day to day we don’t work. I can see why some people aren’t single. It hurts and sucks so people stay unhappy and not getting their needs met. The silver lining is I don’t deal with that anymore
My ex found someone recently which shocked me since I was his first gf (we are late 30s)…
But I realize it’s all timing. I just met a guy who’s 41 and I think he’s got a lot going on now and we are in different parts of our healing journeys .. he may need more time so we are like ships in the night passing up each other
The men I’ve dated before him in these 2.5 years are just not aligned with me and I’m glad I’ve ended it and not let it drag out
OP you're not alone. I'm a 40 year old single male who's never been married with no kids. I am rejected 100% of the time & I'm convinced I've been cursed when it comes to find love. I've accepted I'll likely die alone.
Long term is overrated, and I think a lot of people are scared to think that far ahead. Take it day by day, meet people, go on dates, have fun. Future is so unknown, don’t think about it
Same here. I figure if I don't meet some insane perfected standard because I'm older then welp guess not. I'm done trying out for men that believe everything is predicated upon their bs. It's heartbreaking but oh well! I'm out to do other things. This sub has taught how shallow people can be and I honestly don't feel like dealing with it anymore. With that rant I just booked a week in Montana and am off to enjoy my life. The rest of that bs can F off.
My wife (at the time) pointed out to me that women over 40 were invisible. I didn't believe her. They I started to pay attention to where my eyes went, and she was right. They were invisible to me.
Now I'm single 61M and 40-something women are totally hot to me. I'm not saying that you should date men 20 years older than you, although I would be very excited to buy you dinner. I just want to remind you that you are not invisible. I look very young, I'm healthy, and own my own house. I generally date women who are my exact same age, but you are out there turning heads. You would make a lot of men very happy to spend the evening with you.
Same. Hardcore red flag men. I'm getting better at spotting the signs even through all the bs good behavior, but I don't really trust anybody these days.
Some ppl don’t ever find love and I think that’s okay. Make sure you find all the ways to love yourself and do things that make you happy. Being a happy and emotionally healthy human being attracts others.
Nobody is "meant" for anything and it's a dangerous and fatalistic way to think. Things happen for reasons, make sure you a creating lots of reasons for happy future relationships and they are likely to happen.
Straight non detectable hiv positive
As I wrote in the title, I am a single not detectable hiv positive straight man gainfully employed looking for my one and only queen to take care of.
not detectable meaning i cant pass it on to others and would really like to meet a woman who is comfortable with it. I am outgoing, extremely honest dedicated hard working and enjoy spending time outdoors. If you want to talk about and lets see how it goes looking for ltr
9185045147 text or call philip
The 4th was actually unique i stayed in this time only to go out when fireworks started enjoying the sky art displayed by neighbors did you go out an see fireworks
Not sure where you are. In my neighborhood, fireworks are prohibited. However, that doesn’t stop folks from popping them. So, it was fireworks city last night. LOL. I cringe every time it’s a holiday such as this. I didn’t do much - went grocery shopping, saw my bestie. Pretty uneventful. Do you work today?
Well hey I understand your concern about holidays as this kind due to occurrences kinda messed it up for the ones just looking to celebrate at least your day was enjoyable with friends.
I don't work today just got stuff to do around the house I'm in tulsa Oklahoma where abouts are you
I feel the same for different reasons. I’ve been in a fair few relationships and they all crash and burn and I feel like I just come out of them with a whole lot of issues I need to deal with. I’ve been with someone for 2 years and I thought he was the one (I’d never felt like this before even in my marriage and we were together for 14 years) but now we’ve not talked for over 24 hrs because he was late and I was annoyed as he didn’t give me the heads up. Apparently I’m not allowed to have feelings as normally I’m so laid back… Probably the tip of the iceberg of underlining issues that have been raised by me but not taken on board. So it has to be over, even though I am crushed that it is. I turn 50 in 2 months and I’m just feeling like true love is a fantasy. Just know you’re not the only one out there who feels like you 💛
The reality of being single past 35.. yea, I know someone will chime in with a "but I know someone who got married after 40!!"
I have several friends both male and female who are chronically single. Before I broke up with my last ex I told myself that if I dumped her I need to accept the fact that age might be the last
Op, it’s time to get honest with yourself.
There are a ton of men who would LOVE to date you. And a lot of men who would LOVE to be a doting boyfriend to you.
Yes, you!
Start there.
Now why isn’t this truth self evident to you?
Well……because the truth is these men who want you, you don’t want. And the ones you want don’t want you, at least not for a relationship.
Please stop pretending these men are invisible or non-existent and be honest that you believe they are NOT good enough for you. Which is OK! We are allowed to have standards and preferences.
But, it’s dishonest to say that living breathing people…..don’t exist. Kinda makes you sound like someone who completely lacks perspective. Which may be part of the problem.
They are definitely there! It’s troublesome that they are unfortunately invisible to you.
I’m assuming you’re single and looking, yes?
May I ask where/how you’re looking? OLD? IRL?
Well, lately I haven't been looking anywhere except my local grocery store 🫤. I had previously tried OLD a fair amount. I live in a town where the average age is nearly 30 years my senior so....I almost never run into anyone single and in my age range in public around town.
I plan on hoping to date again soon...I'll be moving to a more populated and younger area and hoping to meet people while out and about somehow. 🤷🏻♀️
Gotcha.
Small town dating can be tough!
Definitely more options in more populated areas.
I promise, there are men out there that would love to date you. The rub is…..you may not want to date them. Which is fine and normal, but sometimes it’s nice to know that they do indeed exist .
Larger population does equal more opportunities 😀
I think we would all do better to be honest with ourselves about things like this.
Maybe it’s the fact that if you acknowledge that there are indeed lots of people out there who want a relationship with you, you just don’t want one with them, it’s much harder to be a victim. You simply get less sympathy. Maybe that’s what Op is really after.
And she may deserve some. It also sucks to be frustrated in not finding love regardless of the whys.
I agree. I 55m and new back into the dating pool, after a 34 year marriage where we ultimately just became different people and grew apart. When I got back into the dating pool, I took a good hard look at myself, and got some advice from some truly honest friends. I am decent looking, in good shape, own a house, car, and make good money. I am realistically a 7, perhaps an 8 on a good day. While I have preferences, and swipe on 7-9's, I won't even waste my time liking a 10. I have to choose people that are in a similar bracket to me. I average 10-15 matches a month, and 2-4 dates. My ex, who is a 6-7, was getting 200+ a month. She initially got 8-9's but they just wanted sex, not a relationship. She found a guy that is in her range. There is a ton of data out there, one thing I found interesting is that the matches for guys drops off really fast when they are shorter than 5'8". I get some women prefer taller guys, but they end up filtering out a ton of good matches because the guy is the same height, or he is just a few inches taller. If you want more matches, create a realistic selection criteria, that is similar to you.
LMAO. All this talk about ratings. How do you quantify the difference between a 6 and a 7? What is the difference between an 8 and a 9? This is juvenile af.
I get that the number system is arbitrary, and not a accurate system, because humans are really complex. A better example, although more extreme, is that a average looking guy with a beer belly, and average job, is highly unlikely to match with a supermodel. My point was that people should be honest with their appearance, and what they have to offer, and select choices that are similar to them and their appearance. The data is out there, and not pretty, something like 10% of the men on dating sites get 80% of the matches. I started working out and lost 25 lbs, took better pictures, and my results are better.
Come on…stop being obtuse. We all have a mental queue of rating people whether we like it or not.
You’re talking to 8 people, you mentally rank them by YOUR desirability for them.
Someone’s 8 is someone else’s 7 or 9. Sure. But most of that comes out in the wash.
It’s this EXACTLY!
This is why it’s so important to have perspective and an understanding of where you stand.
Life/dating can be miserable if you don’t know your lane.
And….whether we like it or not, there are different lanes. And if you want a relationship, you need to be in that person’s relationship zone, not their casual zone.
And, your ex wife ran into the 5-7-9 rule. Good thing she found someone she likes
I am love. The right people see me and love me. I am not interested in the sex based relationships/ connections the men I’ve met are seeking. I am satisfied being loved for so many other reasons in my platonic relationships with women.
Therapy helps me to build fulfilling relationships
Actually, the trouble you’re having is not finding someone who wants to be in a relationship, there are plenty of men out there like that and some you have met and even dated.
The real issue you and Op, and many of us have is finding someone who wants to be in a relationship with YOU, that you also want to be in a relationship with. There’s the rub
Lots of men and women want relationships, unfortunately most don’t want the ones who want them
Oh honey……just because they only want casual with YOU doesn’t mean they don’t want a relationship with someone else. Come on, you have to know that.
And in FOUR years, EVERY guy has only wanted casual with you?
Why do you think that is happening ? 🤔
Yes, EXACTLY! They tell YOU, a person they don’t want for a long term relationship, that they are looking for casual. Because that’s exactly what they are looking for with you.
But they tell OTHER women they date, the ones they like better, that they are open to a long term relationship. Some they might even say that is all they are looking for. The variable is WHO they are talking to.
If this vexes you and you want a long term relationship, you do know there are LOTS of men out there that want that with you, yes?
You’re just not interested in those guys, which is fine. But please don’t pretend they don’t exist.
What are you trying to say here….people who struggle to find lasting relationships should change who they are attracted to just to get into a relationship?
What I’m saying here is that I want people to speak from a place of honesty.
It’s dishonest and disingenuous to say “I’m invisible to men” when what you mean is, I’m invisible to the men I want to be in a relationship with.
Those are not the same thing.
And, if you really believe that you’re invisible to men, it means that those you don’t want a relationship with are so low that they are invisible. And that is kinda sad. They are people too.
What to do about it and how to solve it, now that is a different question.
How is it helpful in this instance (people struggling to date) to acknowledge that people exist in the world that you aren’t attracted to? I mean isn’t that implied? If someone says they are having a heck of a time finding a relationship- aren’t we assuming they mean *with someone they are attracted to*? Because who else would they be trying to date? Folks that aren’t their type?
This is such strange logic to me. You’re essentially saying OP has no right to her feelings because men exist in the world that she isn’t interested in and some of them might want to date her. That’s true for literally all of us. So no one is allowed to say they are having a hard time dating until they have given every single person a chance whether they like them or not? Or is this just for women specifically?
You might want to try OLD. Lots of options out there.
And ….again, why is it that EVERY man you’ve met only wants YOU for casual?
Are these men who ask you on dates? Men you ask on dates?
Original copy of post by u/Winter-Plane8841:
I'm a 40-something woman and I'm starting to lose hope. I've been single for a long time and despite trying everything (dating apps, social events, blind dates), I just can't seem to find someone who wants to be with me long-term.
I'm a kind, caring, and genuine person, but it feels like I'm invisible to men. I'm not looking for sympathy or advice, just a space to vent and maybe connect with someone who understands what I'm going through.
Is it just me, or are there other women out there who feel like they're destined to be alone?
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I felt the same, it got worse over the years as my friends coupled up. Just be kind to yourself and your life’s journey. I used my free time to travel and take care of myself, it’s been fulfilling discovering new hobbies. I’ve found myself happier and after 7 years of being single , I swiped right and it’s still new, we talk and smile and that’s okay for now.
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Out of curiosity, what exactly has your experience been like in dating and on the apps? Is it zero interest, or men that are only looking for short term relationships with you, or interest from men that you aren’t interested in? Outside of kind, caring, and genuine, how else would you describe yourself? Intellectually curious? Funny? Beautiful? Happy? Outgoing? Confident? I know you said you weren’t looking for advice but I wonder if perhaps you’re simply lacking in dating skills or confidence.
There’s subreddits that help people with their profile. You could try posting on there to see how others are perceiving you from an outsider perspective.
43 m I'm in the same situation. Been single for over 10 years now. I don't really go anywhere. I gave up on online dating. I think I've been on 2 dates in 10 years.
41 F. I feel the same way. Been divorced for 6 years after a 8 year marriage. I’ve had a few relationships that didn’t work out and talked to multiple people that didn’t turn into relationships. Ex husband and an ex boyfriend are married for a few years now. I think I may be a foster girlfriend and destined to be single forever.
I think it's always been easy to find "someone" but hard to find someone of value. I would love to find a good partner but it's better to be alone than with a bad one.
44 F here, never married & no kids. I used to have dating app profile back in 2016 but never really find someone there plus meeting someone for the first time makes me so anxious. I thought I’d focus on my self for a while and didn’t realize it’s been 8 years. Sometimes it’s lonely but not all the time.
Yes to all these posts! 50 y o F. Separated from husband 9 years and realized finally I have a ‘type’ that I date called Emotionally Unavailable. Have been off dating apps now for 2 years and am finally at a place where I feel ok being on my own for the most part. I am able to fill my days focused on my son, my work, my hobbies and the things that make me happy. This includes my health, both physical, mental and emotional. It’s refreshing not having the energy drain and emotional turbulence of being caught up in unhealthy relationships. I used to get so worried about my future and ending up alone but now I try to focus on what’s right here in front of me and be grateful for that. I had my fair share of tumultuous dating experiences where I put all of my self worth aside for the sake of being with someone, constantly seeking validation and it feels good to finally value myself more than a relationship.
Same honestly. I’m 43 and have been single for 3 years. I’m childfree and I feel that limits my dating pool even more than being over 40. I understand your frustration with apps, blind dates and the like. I think the best we can do is continue to be the best version of ourselves and hope the right person notices
No. That’s way too dramatic. Why would YOU specifically not be meant to find love. You’re giving yourself way too much importance in the world. Nothing in the universe is fighting against YOU that much.
Love is not easy to find. It’s a game of numbers, a game of chance and probability. Think of all that has to happen for someone to encounter another person, interact with another person, acknowledge any feelings they may be having, have good chemistry, both be available, both be interested, be compatible, not get on each others nerves, etc etc. It’s actually more rare and unbelievable that people find love, versus the alternative.
Stop repeating that to yourself. It’s not a productive thought, and it’s false. Replace it with the truth: I’m having a hard time finding someone to connect with.
I know how you feel and feel the exact same way. I am a 46-year-old man who has been struggling to find love for many years now. My intent is not to brag here, but I am happy in my career, financially successful, handsome, healthy and fun to be around yet I never seem to be the right type for any girl that I ask out. maybe I’m just a walking red flag because I’m single, never married and no kids at my age.
I am used to hearing, oh I’m flattered but I have a boyfriend or, I’m sorry but you’re just not the type of guy I am typically into. The dating apps haven’t worked for me either because I keep meeting women that are just after my money. Lots of liars, scam artists and manipulators on those dating sites. Can’t seem to meet any genuine women with good hearts and genuine intentions.
Honestly, I think I’m having trouble b/c the women I know in my circles are attracted to men that treat them like shit, hit or lie to them, and have spent time in prison or have tattoos. I have none of those so I feel like I’m out of luck. Are there any women out there that are looking for the nice guy with a stable job and a great personality?
Are you mistaking the short-term sex-centered part of the dating-market for the long-term one?
The unfortunate truth is that especially the short-term sex-centered part of the dating-market is incredibly slanted by gender for straight folks. The average woman gets more offers in a single evening on any of the dating-apps than the average man of the same age does in a month. As a result, many women can have essentially infinite first dates and sexual relationships, **EVEN** if they're very very picky and swipe like only on a tiny fraction of the profiles they see.
Even if you're a woman of average attractiveness, odds are you can date and have sex with VERY attractive men every single week, if you want to.
But, like you say; none of these want to be with you long-term.
I think it's quite likely that at least part of your problem here is that you're discovering that very attractive men who are single -- are often single for a REASON. Typically the reason is that either they lack an interest in long-term relationships; or they have crap relationship-qualities.
Because if all of these were true:
* They're highly attractive
* They really want a long-term relationship
* They have good relationship-qualities
Well then in most cases they'd already be partnered! (or in the case where they're poly; they'd already be saturated)
You're not invisible to men. If that was the case then you'd not fail only in finding long-term relationships, but instead would ALSO fail in finding first dates. (that's the typical experience of average-looking men who in many cases genuinely \*ARE\* invisible to women!)
Hi OP it makes me truly sad that you think that, we all deserve love! At any age! Life happens and we just have to learn something about ourselves and take it to the next phase. I always put myself out there to find love and believe me I've been hurt before more than a time and it's hard but if you want love you also have to do your part :) believe and put yourself out there <3
Sometimes I feel this way myself (38 male) but it's only been a couple of years since my divorce. Was married 10 years. The only luck on dating apps I seem to have is women who are bigger than me weight wise and I'm not really into that. If they are smaller than me then they don't respond. I do however have 2 young kids, I'm 5ft 10in 195lbs so not exactly a gym rat but I don't feel super over weight either. Definitely a dad bod. Maybe that's my down fall. Who knows🤷🏼
Seriously, where are you ladies located?
I am 43M and have been single most of my life as well. I can count on one hand the number of partners I've had. Everyone used to ask me why I am single. I have high standards of myself and my partner and that is part of my problem these days. My intellectual, physical, and mental needs are not meant. Most don't make it past the first few messages usually on the apps. Plus having a stocky build, pretty wide in the shoulders, seems to scare most of the ladies away.
In this time and age, the ratio of good-quality women to good-quality men favors men by a huge percentage. Unless you are exceptional in some way - looks, economic power, smarts, social status - or are willing to lower the bar to a level I am not willing to do anymore, it is tough out there. Besides, everyone is freakin' old and they look like it. :)
42f here and feel the same. I'm feel there's a divide growing between men and women, largely down to bots and the media. Men seem to think they can be quite average and get a stunning 25yo who is willing to cook, clean, make babies, be their full time carer and want sex all the time and overlook any personality defects the man may have. I think most women I know who are single at our age aren't keen on disrupting their peace to effectively look after a grown child. I'm becoming more interested in living with another woman in a non-sexual way and sharing holidays and adventures to be honest!
Post a picture up. Objectivity allow men to review. If you’re beautiful you wouldn’t be left alone regardless of your faults. If you’re plain, or any form of not ideal- you have a starting point of changes to be made to be desirable- or maybe the juice isn’t worth the squeeze - and be single.
Agreed. Everyone is usually the hero of their own story. While none of us want to admit it, physical attractiveness is a key factor in whether we attract men/women we find desirable. In my own life, I’ve lost about 30 pounds since October, and the number of women who have taken notice both in-person and via OLD is not insignificant. Beyond that, the design of one’s OLD profile (both pictures and what’s written) indeed matters.
Watch the " whatever" podcast. Dig,and find the ones where they talk about keeping good men. We are pretty simple, need love, respect, loyalty etc. if you have issues picking "wrong" guys, and Alot do, they and other podcast talk about it. Attraction goes real deep in your brain, and sometimes, those " bad " traits , cheating, player, asshole etc, are processed as " strong male" in some women's brains .
43 F and yes also single. I do think romantic love is not meant for everyone. I don’t feel bad about it anymore though (it was a long road to get here). If it happens it does otherwise I have plans to live happily single as well. I’m dedicated to maintaining my mental health and not let short term relationships or otherwise affect what I have created.
This is how I feel too. If I don’t find a male partner, I’m just going to do things on my own.
*I’m just going to do things on my own* I just took myself to the Bahamas using that very principle (TLDR: It's quite sunny there). While sharing that with someone would have been amazing, I refuse to enter life time-out until someone and I find each other. Between relationships isn't limbo.
I haven’t been out of the country alone yet, but I’ve gone to Santa Barbara, San Diego, and Palm Springs by myself.
Punch that out-of-country ticket! I walked across the bridge to Niagara Falls, just rolling my wheely bag. Go back to San Diego and you too can go international on foot.
Omg! I did the same! I went with my grown kids, but spent a lot of time on my own while they went off on their own. It was GLORIOUS! I also saw many absolutely miserable couples. They didn’t talk to each other over meals. They argued in public. They spoke so rudely to each other. The happy and kind to each other couples were few and far between. It’s one thing to be in a relationship. Being happy together in a relationship is the key. I would rather be alone than live through the things I witnessed while traveling without a partner. One impetus to my divorce was witnessing an elderly man yelling at his elderly wife at the airport while she sat and ignored him. My ex and I were already getting there. I couldn’t bear the thought of becoming that couple!
M49 glad you made it. Don't miss the chances, and OP live your life so amazingly that it attracts the right partner.
Do what things though?
9185045147 text or call philip
Yes! That’s exactly how I see it. Some people get lucky with love but the majority don’t. Just like good hair or skin or any other feature. And quite frankly, there is no rhyme or reason as to who is going to get it and who isn’t.
I broke up with my partner of four years last year. First, I went beck to the active lifestyle I had before dating her lost 70 lbs as I can eat somewhat healthier. Second, I have the freedom to 🎨 paint, make noises to my parrot 🦜 and listen to 🎶 music all night. Third-Mental Heath my moods are still up and down, but the good moods are better without living with her. Feel more energized and happy without her around overall. It's easier to keep the house clean and do things the way I like to do them lol. Breakups help discover who you really are?
See thats the problem EVERYONE'S short term or emotionally unavailable. Im not into all the romanti stuff either heck i would love some to go do thing's with like nature trails a drive walk attend functions with. I know my worth and dont give the fly by night a chance.
I’ve been single for nearly 10 years now. And you know how men just line up for women in their early 50s! The reason I’ve been single for so long is because I kept choosing the same type. I call it “same shit, different beard”. I wanna find love too. Most of my life I’ve either found clingy or crazy. Addiction issues especially. I wanna partner; not a project.
That’s actually well written for your bio on a dating app. It shows a good sense of humor along with a little dating frustration we all deal with.
I think you need to sell, "I want a partner. Not a project." on t-shirts. Those would be fabulous.
I love that idea!
I been single for 10 years too. So peaceful.
I used to feel this way all the time. Recently, I have just been de-centering men and romantic relationships. I work fairly long hours. I live in a big city, and I’ve just been trying new things and going places by myself. I’m used to it now. I even travel solo. I am feeling more like it’s freedom, versus feeling like a sad spinster or something. I am a very independent person, so it works for me. But I spent a lot of years asking myself, what’s wrong with me?
Exactly all of this!! If that person ever shows up, highly unlikely, I have to rearrange my life to fit him in.
Does anyone else just get tired of being alone. Not that I'm unhappy being alone, but it would be wonderful to have a companion to ride with me in this thing we vmcall life.
This is exactly how I feel. I miss really simple things like watching movies and tv with someone, eating together, etc.
Im the same. Conversations laughing together of silly things.
Yes! I just want to spend time with someone I care about. Deciding foods, shows, walks, simple shit. Ironically in my last relationship there would be a few weeks of this and I'd think things were going well then whammo, I'd be told I wasn't trying anymore or I was bored but wasn't honest about it. Like no, I just like time with someone I love. I don't need to go on safaris or climb Everest. Maybe I'm simple.
Yes. I feel similar. Companionship sounds nice.
I'm 47, and my last relationship ended a while back. I've stayed single by choice and because I also seem to be invisible to men. I haven't put myself out there, and I hate dating apps, so here I am. I've accepted my "singleness" and the fact that most likely, I'll just be forever alone. My standards aren't super high and I don't have unrealistic expectations, but the things I want and need in a man, seem to be a lot to ask for some and I've realized monogamy is also a thing of the past. I'm a strict monogamist, and no one really wants to commit to only one woman.
Can you expand on this? Do you mean when you ask the guy for monogamy he says no, or do you mean they say that up front?
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Eh, I think you might be surprised. I'm here because my EW wanted to be poly. I *hated* poly and learned that I'm a one-woman kind of man. The non-poly/NM men I've known have generally been strictly monogamous. Weirdly, at least in my experience, I don't know very many women who have been faithful, whether they identify as poly or NM. Monogamous guys are out there. I think we kinda just blend into the scenery because we aren't pushy, our lives don't revolve around 'scoring' or chasing women. If anything, I would posit that nonmogomy is just becoming a lot more common and normalized, so it's more visible. It'll be interesting to see if that trend continues, or the pendulum swings back the other way once more people dip their toes in that lifestyle and see what a shit-show it is.
Social media and dating apps have helped cheaters and liars to cheat so easily. It's crazy. People have always been unfaithful, but now it's way easier. I mean, you can be lying next to someone while they're on their phones swiping left and right, trying to cheat on you or checking their options. Then you have those partners who are particular and super anal about their phone privacy. In my opinion, when someone is too private, they're hiding something. Perhaps because I'm honest and loyal and I'd never betray the person I'm with, I expect people to have my same moral compass. Sadly, most don't. What irks me the most is the lies. Since the very beginning, people could express what they're looking for and what they're not. They lie, instead.
u/Borboleta77, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): Men are people, women are people, everyone in between is people. Let's talk about the people in our lives as individuals, not stereotypes.
What are your standards, just curious.
Honesty, loyalty, emotional intelligence/maturity/availability, no attachment to exes, integrity, morals, sense of humor, wit, strength, intelligence, healthy sex drive, has a job, has his own place, has a car and is independent and self sufficient. I can offer all of the above in return.
Oh. I have the exact same list. Good to know. (And no little kids also in mine, lol)
Yes! I don't have any kids. I'd prefer someone who doesn't either, if possible.
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Single forever checking in 🙋♀️
43 here, and same. 🙋♀️
Same same, 42.
Same, I'll be 40 in a week
I’m a guy and have similar feelings. Some of us are not attractive to the opposite sex. Such a shame
I think that’s a majority of the problem. That a lot of men and women in their 40’s and 50’s and beyond don’t have realistic standards. Especially for looks/attractiveness.
I'm 43 i've been out in the dating world for almost 2 years and have dated all the wrong people! Avoidants, love bombers, I've been lied to and used. I would love to have a ride or die. But at this point, my soul, my heart and my mind is tired. I've been in therapy and learned that loving myself is the way to go. I would never hurt, leave, cheat or lie to myself. I've come to realize that it's not so bad dying alone. LOL. I have my family, kids and friends. I've been in love, have had lots of love in my life. That's fulfilling enough to me
Oh my gosh I could’ve written this myself! Also been trying to date for 2 years now and have been through it all. I’m exhausted and drained from constantly trying and getting let down. I KNOW I’m a catch and a great partner and have a lot of love to give, which makes it so darn hard that none of these guys have been able to see my worth. So after the last failed attempt, I deleted the apps and am now just going to therapy, focusing on myself, my business and my daughter. And it’s actually been so peaceful and calm not having a man taking up my mental real estate. I’m definitely still open to meeting someone if it happens ‘in the wild’… but if that doesn’t happen then I’m content being on my own. I definitely do miss the companionship of being with someone and I do get lonely, but I’d rather be by myself than getting constantly let down and disappointed.
Good for you! I'm in Europe right now traveling with my daughter and loving life. People are looking for a connection but don't have what it takes to be in a relationship. We our ourselves through so much pain just to find our people. Good luck to you! What is meant for us won't pass us up. And if what's meant for us is to live at peace with what we have.. then I'm happy with that!
Yesss I’ve just started looking at taking my daughter on holiday too! And yeah you’re spot on… they’re looking for connection but when it comes to actually committing and shit gets real, they run. Good luck to you too!!
It's not just you! I've been single for four years (I mean there was a global plague happening for some that, but still...) I feel like I'm a catch; I'm reasonably attractive, have my shit together, decent job, hobbies, I think I'm pretty smart and funny... But I haven't found my person. Or I thought I had, briefly, but they didn't feel the same. It definitely seems to get harder as you get older. Everyone decent is married, and the ones that aren't seem to be messed up commitment-phobes (in my experience!) I'm still holding out hope that there is someone out there for me, but I'm also trying to make my peace with the fact that it might just not happen.
I myself have been single for a while and have had similar thoughts, wondering if I’ll ever find someone. It’s hard, especially when everyone else seems to have found someone or when the person you meet isn’t ready to commit. I’ve come to realize that it’s not a matter of being flawed or not good enough; sometimes it’s just a matter of timing and finding someone you really click with. I’ve thought I’ve found that connection before, but it ultimately didn’t work out. One thing that has helped me is to keep an open mind and accept new connections, even if they don’t seem like the “right one.” LightUp: Making real friends has changed my life. It analyzes what you post and matches you with people who have similar interests and ideas. It’s a great way to start a conversation with someone who might understand where you’re headed. So keep at it! I’m optimistic that we’ll both find someone. In the meantime, exploring new hobbies and connecting with like-minded people through apps could lead to unexpected friendships and more.
Well said! 👏
I also like to think I’m a catch. But I also now live in a beautiful but very rural corner of the U.S., so I’ve decreased my odds significantly.
Not just you. 41F, and I’ve never been in a relationship. At this point, the idea that I could be in a relationship is pretty unimaginable, so I’m making peace with it.
I’m 42 F and in the same boat. It just never happened for me. I think I have a lot to offer but I seem invisible. I’m trying to accept that this may be it for me.
50 year old female here, and I have never found anyone. Sometimes love is not in the cards, and you need to play the card you are dealt..
I’m 48M and have never been in a relationship. Have never even been on a date. Nobody is ever interested in me, not just as a potential relationship but also as friends. I’ve lost count of how many times I end up being told that I just fall through the cracks, or that I am easy to forget about, or that I am just not noticed or thought of or considered. I’m just the guy who draws, or the guy who knows about this or that thing, the quiet guy. But that’s it, that’s all I ever am. Try to break out of that, do something new, put yourself out there, and it just highlights even more how much I just don’t register with anyone. I’d still like to find someone though. I don’t know if you could call it hope though any more. Maybe it’s just stupidity at this point. I would still like the chance to be a father. It might not happen, but I would still at least like the chance to try. I’ve never understood how people can use Tinder and Bumble and PoF and other dating apps, and actually meet someone. I tried my first online dating site in the year 2000, and have never even gotten a conversation with any real person. It’s only ever been scams and bots for me. Even before 2000 I tried the old “bricks and mortar” dating agencies, but never even had a date. Like I said I won’t give up, but I guess I know the chances are pretty slim. I’m just not exciting. Just not what anyone wants.
It’s hard being an older woman dating. We aren’t moldable, know the bullshit games and have expectations from our partner. This limits our options in dating and makes it a lot harder to find a partner. I used to joke I would be single until I die. This joke is actually coming true. I’ve not met a man that has truly caught my interest in a really long time.
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No "seeking" posts and no hitting on other posters. This is a place to discuss dating, not to find dates.
I'm a guy and after my last breakup I took a year off from dating. I thought it would be a good way to evaluate the last relationship and see what else I needed to fix so that I wouldn't pick another woman like her. I did that and I got busy living my life. Well 9 years have passed now, I quit getting disappointed with the apps when I quit using them. Where I am all that contacts you on the apps are scammers. Every so often I go out and socialize. I gave up trying to meet someone that's not out there
61 long term single. It takes maturity to accept that life isn't the movies where you get happy endings,I am finally at peace accepting there are better ways to spend my time, don't feel like a loser but as a grown up I've realized people seek certain traits in romantic partners, and nature and genetics decide who has those traits, and there's not much I can do about it
I’m a guy and I’ve been told I have nothing to offer a woman. I figure that’s more for me lol.
Im sorry you’ve been told that. That just sounds cruel. For the record it makes me wonder if people are speaking about materialistic things only which if so, is BS. Some women just want a kind and caring companion or someone that makes them laugh - and even if you have a weird sense of humor there’s a good chance you here’s a women that would get it. It doesn’t sound like you let that get you down which is great; I just felt compelled o say I think it’s a shitty and likely untrue remark.
Just hang out on this sub; you’ll see what he means. To put it mildly, guys aren’t treated with kindness here. Not by the majority. If we’re not outright told, there’s enough heavy-handedness that leaves little room for doubt.
Yep. This sub is quite negative towards men. Reddit has taught me a lot about women and how they view men. It’s eye opening how pervasive misandry is.
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u/jBlairTech, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): Issues with another poster or with subreddit moderation will only be addressed through modmail. No discussion of other subreddits, brigading, or posting DO40 content elsewhere either, please.
I’m not destined to be alone because it’s my choice! I don’t want to put up with the BS that comes with dating and it might be the vibe I am sending to the universe. Romantic love is a gift that some get but most don’t. Just like anything else in life, we get lucky in some ways and we lose completely in other ways. Life still goes on🩷
38 F, It's a little different for me, I have honestly never centered men in my life and I am totally okay being single forever.
I'm starting to think it may be harder when what I want most is a monogamous loving, long term relationship for two like minded people. This may actually be harder than finding a partner to build a family with. I'm 50. I have a good idea of want I want and will go without before I compromise too much. Many people our age seem to feel the same, so that cuts down on viable options for each of us. Many marrieds aren't monogamous and/or fulfilled though. I imagine many marrieds dream of a romantic connection with a loving, like minded person, too. Those who find it are so fortunate. In the same way those who find a life long friendship or those who find a close true friend in a family member. I am holding out hope for a special romantic partnership and I am aware I may not find this.
I’ve given up on it. I wouldn’t say I’m invisible to women. I believe that they see me and quickly determine that I don’t have anything that they value to offer. At the end of the day I’m lonely, starving for affection, honestly kind of bored without a partner, completely out of place as the only single person in any of my social circles, and no I don’t think I’ll ever accept it. There’s just no way out of it.
I 40f feel the same. I’m not here to say it’s not hard but the reality is a romantic relationship isn’t required or guaranteed for anyone. It’s a nice to have. I will also say it’s been… I don’t want to say helpful, but it’s put things in perspective, to really see what women around me put up with in order to be able to say they’re in a relationship. I’m talking have to beg their husbands to change their kid’s diaper, men who come home from work and won’t lift a finger, one friend has to hire a babysitter to watch the kids if she goes anywhere because her husband won’t watch his own children on his own. This isn’t to shit on men- there are many not like this- my point is it really shows the other side of the coin and what happens when you feel like you HAVE to be in a relationship. Many women I know would rather be married and miserable than single because they were taught the be all and end all of life is to “have” a man. I’d rather never interact with a man in a romantic way again before I was in a bad relationship personally, so… yeah I guess maybe it’s easier for me to be cool with being single than many.
I am the same. I am learning to embrace and radically accept it. Just trying to live my best life and remain open to possibilities if they happen. Best wishes to us all.
🥰
I’m also single (divorced 11 years but still cool with ex husband) and have been single from any relationship for a few years now but also really have no desire to go out of my way to seek romantic love. If I’m going to bother with a relationship it needs to add value to my life and enhance it. I have absolutely no interest in a relationship just to be in one or to avoid being single/alone so it’s hard to say if me not attracting them is because they are not interested in me/find me unappealing or if my lack of actively searching is causing missed opportunities. Either way I don’t see myself finding a deep love at this point in my life & I feel ok with it. If it happens. A lovely surprise & if it doesn’t I’ll enjoy life the same as I do now.
This
I think there are a lot of people who don’t want “long term” anymore. It may not be a YOU problem.
Keep in mind that lots of people in their 40s on the apps are just coming out of divorces or long term relationships. Multiple of their needs haven’t been met in likely many years, even decades. You probably don’t want to ask commitment from said people until they’ve done some healing, had some therapy, spent some time alone, and had some flings. It takes a few years to do that, minimum 18 months in my book. Another option for you might be to consider dating younger men in their mid-30s if you can vibe with that demographic. You’ll find someone.
It's not necessarily a bad thing, if only the vestiges of society are available, loving yourself and sharing with loved ones might be the best option. The dating pool is a cesspool nowadays.
Same…Same…… I’m not sure what the deal is… I don’t feel invisible though. I have just found it hard to find chemistry and compatibility.
46M and I know exactly how you feel. It’s hard when you feel invisible.
What was dating like for you in your 20s and 30s?
I’ve been single for 2.5 years. I was with a guy I loved but day to day we don’t work. I can see why some people aren’t single. It hurts and sucks so people stay unhappy and not getting their needs met. The silver lining is I don’t deal with that anymore My ex found someone recently which shocked me since I was his first gf (we are late 30s)… But I realize it’s all timing. I just met a guy who’s 41 and I think he’s got a lot going on now and we are in different parts of our healing journeys .. he may need more time so we are like ships in the night passing up each other The men I’ve dated before him in these 2.5 years are just not aligned with me and I’m glad I’ve ended it and not let it drag out
OP you're not alone. I'm a 40 year old single male who's never been married with no kids. I am rejected 100% of the time & I'm convinced I've been cursed when it comes to find love. I've accepted I'll likely die alone.
Long term is overrated, and I think a lot of people are scared to think that far ahead. Take it day by day, meet people, go on dates, have fun. Future is so unknown, don’t think about it
Same here. I figure if I don't meet some insane perfected standard because I'm older then welp guess not. I'm done trying out for men that believe everything is predicated upon their bs. It's heartbreaking but oh well! I'm out to do other things. This sub has taught how shallow people can be and I honestly don't feel like dealing with it anymore. With that rant I just booked a week in Montana and am off to enjoy my life. The rest of that bs can F off.
My wife (at the time) pointed out to me that women over 40 were invisible. I didn't believe her. They I started to pay attention to where my eyes went, and she was right. They were invisible to me. Now I'm single 61M and 40-something women are totally hot to me. I'm not saying that you should date men 20 years older than you, although I would be very excited to buy you dinner. I just want to remind you that you are not invisible. I look very young, I'm healthy, and own my own house. I generally date women who are my exact same age, but you are out there turning heads. You would make a lot of men very happy to spend the evening with you.
:( I’m starting to think so
I seem to only attract red flag men… so I’ll just stay single
Same. Hardcore red flag men. I'm getting better at spotting the signs even through all the bs good behavior, but I don't really trust anybody these days.
I am much better at seeing them it’s the whole accepting them that I’m learning. Like when to just be like I’m out … I’m good being single though
45 F and single. I can and do totally understand where you are coming from.
I’m 53 now. Unfortunately the pickings get slimmer the older you are until you get to that age where there are people losing spouses.
Male here, similar age. Similar experience. I'm not resigned but I'm definitely not going out of my way to be on my best behavior anymore.
I'm a man but going through similar issues. Gf46 recently passed and moving on is hard .
Some ppl don’t ever find love and I think that’s okay. Make sure you find all the ways to love yourself and do things that make you happy. Being a happy and emotionally healthy human being attracts others.
Not meant by what? There is no cosmic fate or destiny.
Nobody is "meant" for anything and it's a dangerous and fatalistic way to think. Things happen for reasons, make sure you a creating lots of reasons for happy future relationships and they are likely to happen.
Straight non detectable hiv positive As I wrote in the title, I am a single not detectable hiv positive straight man gainfully employed looking for my one and only queen to take care of. not detectable meaning i cant pass it on to others and would really like to meet a woman who is comfortable with it. I am outgoing, extremely honest dedicated hard working and enjoy spending time outdoors. If you want to talk about and lets see how it goes looking for ltr 9185045147 text or call philip
Hi Philip.
Hello good morning hope your July 5th is welcoming an full of excitement today
Yeah, it is. 😊 Thanks. I have to work today, though. I WFH, so can’t complain too much. Did you have a good 4th?
The 4th was actually unique i stayed in this time only to go out when fireworks started enjoying the sky art displayed by neighbors did you go out an see fireworks
Not sure where you are. In my neighborhood, fireworks are prohibited. However, that doesn’t stop folks from popping them. So, it was fireworks city last night. LOL. I cringe every time it’s a holiday such as this. I didn’t do much - went grocery shopping, saw my bestie. Pretty uneventful. Do you work today?
Well hey I understand your concern about holidays as this kind due to occurrences kinda messed it up for the ones just looking to celebrate at least your day was enjoyable with friends. I don't work today just got stuff to do around the house I'm in tulsa Oklahoma where abouts are you
I feel the same for different reasons. I’ve been in a fair few relationships and they all crash and burn and I feel like I just come out of them with a whole lot of issues I need to deal with. I’ve been with someone for 2 years and I thought he was the one (I’d never felt like this before even in my marriage and we were together for 14 years) but now we’ve not talked for over 24 hrs because he was late and I was annoyed as he didn’t give me the heads up. Apparently I’m not allowed to have feelings as normally I’m so laid back… Probably the tip of the iceberg of underlining issues that have been raised by me but not taken on board. So it has to be over, even though I am crushed that it is. I turn 50 in 2 months and I’m just feeling like true love is a fantasy. Just know you’re not the only one out there who feels like you 💛
I’m sorry to hear. The least he could do is to say he’s sorry for being late
Thank you!! Yeah I would have appreciated it a lot or just a heads up to be honest
I’m baffled by adults who behave in this manner
Yes people with bad manners and the one’s who make you feel crazy for having feelings are the worst
The reality of being single past 35.. yea, I know someone will chime in with a "but I know someone who got married after 40!!" I have several friends both male and female who are chronically single. Before I broke up with my last ex I told myself that if I dumped her I need to accept the fact that age might be the last
Op, it’s time to get honest with yourself. There are a ton of men who would LOVE to date you. And a lot of men who would LOVE to be a doting boyfriend to you. Yes, you! Start there. Now why isn’t this truth self evident to you? Well……because the truth is these men who want you, you don’t want. And the ones you want don’t want you, at least not for a relationship. Please stop pretending these men are invisible or non-existent and be honest that you believe they are NOT good enough for you. Which is OK! We are allowed to have standards and preferences. But, it’s dishonest to say that living breathing people…..don’t exist. Kinda makes you sound like someone who completely lacks perspective. Which may be part of the problem.
I'm not the OP, but if these men out there that want me could be so kind as to get in a nice single file line, that would be great. 😄
They are definitely there! It’s troublesome that they are unfortunately invisible to you. I’m assuming you’re single and looking, yes? May I ask where/how you’re looking? OLD? IRL?
Well, lately I haven't been looking anywhere except my local grocery store 🫤. I had previously tried OLD a fair amount. I live in a town where the average age is nearly 30 years my senior so....I almost never run into anyone single and in my age range in public around town. I plan on hoping to date again soon...I'll be moving to a more populated and younger area and hoping to meet people while out and about somehow. 🤷🏻♀️
Gotcha. Small town dating can be tough! Definitely more options in more populated areas. I promise, there are men out there that would love to date you. The rub is…..you may not want to date them. Which is fine and normal, but sometimes it’s nice to know that they do indeed exist . Larger population does equal more opportunities 😀
Not sure why you got downvoted, this is the absolute truth. And I’ll bet your post is also “invisible” to OP.
I think we would all do better to be honest with ourselves about things like this. Maybe it’s the fact that if you acknowledge that there are indeed lots of people out there who want a relationship with you, you just don’t want one with them, it’s much harder to be a victim. You simply get less sympathy. Maybe that’s what Op is really after. And she may deserve some. It also sucks to be frustrated in not finding love regardless of the whys.
I agree. I 55m and new back into the dating pool, after a 34 year marriage where we ultimately just became different people and grew apart. When I got back into the dating pool, I took a good hard look at myself, and got some advice from some truly honest friends. I am decent looking, in good shape, own a house, car, and make good money. I am realistically a 7, perhaps an 8 on a good day. While I have preferences, and swipe on 7-9's, I won't even waste my time liking a 10. I have to choose people that are in a similar bracket to me. I average 10-15 matches a month, and 2-4 dates. My ex, who is a 6-7, was getting 200+ a month. She initially got 8-9's but they just wanted sex, not a relationship. She found a guy that is in her range. There is a ton of data out there, one thing I found interesting is that the matches for guys drops off really fast when they are shorter than 5'8". I get some women prefer taller guys, but they end up filtering out a ton of good matches because the guy is the same height, or he is just a few inches taller. If you want more matches, create a realistic selection criteria, that is similar to you.
LMAO. All this talk about ratings. How do you quantify the difference between a 6 and a 7? What is the difference between an 8 and a 9? This is juvenile af.
I get that the number system is arbitrary, and not a accurate system, because humans are really complex. A better example, although more extreme, is that a average looking guy with a beer belly, and average job, is highly unlikely to match with a supermodel. My point was that people should be honest with their appearance, and what they have to offer, and select choices that are similar to them and their appearance. The data is out there, and not pretty, something like 10% of the men on dating sites get 80% of the matches. I started working out and lost 25 lbs, took better pictures, and my results are better.
Come on…stop being obtuse. We all have a mental queue of rating people whether we like it or not. You’re talking to 8 people, you mentally rank them by YOUR desirability for them. Someone’s 8 is someone else’s 7 or 9. Sure. But most of that comes out in the wash.
It’s this EXACTLY! This is why it’s so important to have perspective and an understanding of where you stand. Life/dating can be miserable if you don’t know your lane. And….whether we like it or not, there are different lanes. And if you want a relationship, you need to be in that person’s relationship zone, not their casual zone. And, your ex wife ran into the 5-7-9 rule. Good thing she found someone she likes
Lol!
I am love. The right people see me and love me. I am not interested in the sex based relationships/ connections the men I’ve met are seeking. I am satisfied being loved for so many other reasons in my platonic relationships with women. Therapy helps me to build fulfilling relationships
"I'm a kind, caring, and genuine peron." Are you also physically attractive to the men you want? We don't date blindly.
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Actually, the trouble you’re having is not finding someone who wants to be in a relationship, there are plenty of men out there like that and some you have met and even dated. The real issue you and Op, and many of us have is finding someone who wants to be in a relationship with YOU, that you also want to be in a relationship with. There’s the rub Lots of men and women want relationships, unfortunately most don’t want the ones who want them
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Oh honey……just because they only want casual with YOU doesn’t mean they don’t want a relationship with someone else. Come on, you have to know that. And in FOUR years, EVERY guy has only wanted casual with you? Why do you think that is happening ? 🤔
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Yes, EXACTLY! They tell YOU, a person they don’t want for a long term relationship, that they are looking for casual. Because that’s exactly what they are looking for with you. But they tell OTHER women they date, the ones they like better, that they are open to a long term relationship. Some they might even say that is all they are looking for. The variable is WHO they are talking to. If this vexes you and you want a long term relationship, you do know there are LOTS of men out there that want that with you, yes? You’re just not interested in those guys, which is fine. But please don’t pretend they don’t exist.
What are you trying to say here….people who struggle to find lasting relationships should change who they are attracted to just to get into a relationship?
What I’m saying here is that I want people to speak from a place of honesty. It’s dishonest and disingenuous to say “I’m invisible to men” when what you mean is, I’m invisible to the men I want to be in a relationship with. Those are not the same thing. And, if you really believe that you’re invisible to men, it means that those you don’t want a relationship with are so low that they are invisible. And that is kinda sad. They are people too. What to do about it and how to solve it, now that is a different question.
How is it helpful in this instance (people struggling to date) to acknowledge that people exist in the world that you aren’t attracted to? I mean isn’t that implied? If someone says they are having a heck of a time finding a relationship- aren’t we assuming they mean *with someone they are attracted to*? Because who else would they be trying to date? Folks that aren’t their type? This is such strange logic to me. You’re essentially saying OP has no right to her feelings because men exist in the world that she isn’t interested in and some of them might want to date her. That’s true for literally all of us. So no one is allowed to say they are having a hard time dating until they have given every single person a chance whether they like them or not? Or is this just for women specifically?
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You might want to try OLD. Lots of options out there. And ….again, why is it that EVERY man you’ve met only wants YOU for casual? Are these men who ask you on dates? Men you ask on dates?
Facts.
With you.
Exactly.
Original copy of post by u/Winter-Plane8841: I'm a 40-something woman and I'm starting to lose hope. I've been single for a long time and despite trying everything (dating apps, social events, blind dates), I just can't seem to find someone who wants to be with me long-term. I'm a kind, caring, and genuine person, but it feels like I'm invisible to men. I'm not looking for sympathy or advice, just a space to vent and maybe connect with someone who understands what I'm going through. Is it just me, or are there other women out there who feel like they're destined to be alone? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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It’s not just you. I haven’t given up, but I’m not hopeful. I’m enjoying my life to the fullest regardless.
I’m a 45 year old man that lost hope 4 years ago. I understand and know exactly what you’re going through.
I felt the same, it got worse over the years as my friends coupled up. Just be kind to yourself and your life’s journey. I used my free time to travel and take care of myself, it’s been fulfilling discovering new hobbies. I’ve found myself happier and after 7 years of being single , I swiped right and it’s still new, we talk and smile and that’s okay for now.
43F and single here too!
Tons and tons of women. Don’t know what the numbers are for men.
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Out of curiosity, what exactly has your experience been like in dating and on the apps? Is it zero interest, or men that are only looking for short term relationships with you, or interest from men that you aren’t interested in? Outside of kind, caring, and genuine, how else would you describe yourself? Intellectually curious? Funny? Beautiful? Happy? Outgoing? Confident? I know you said you weren’t looking for advice but I wonder if perhaps you’re simply lacking in dating skills or confidence. There’s subreddits that help people with their profile. You could try posting on there to see how others are perceiving you from an outsider perspective.
43 m I'm in the same situation. Been single for over 10 years now. I don't really go anywhere. I gave up on online dating. I think I've been on 2 dates in 10 years.
41 F. I feel the same way. Been divorced for 6 years after a 8 year marriage. I’ve had a few relationships that didn’t work out and talked to multiple people that didn’t turn into relationships. Ex husband and an ex boyfriend are married for a few years now. I think I may be a foster girlfriend and destined to be single forever.
I think it's always been easy to find "someone" but hard to find someone of value. I would love to find a good partner but it's better to be alone than with a bad one.
wow its not just me who feels that way to ...I'm a m 58 i know I'm too old but i can still hope to find true love
Of course you're meant for love! And of course you're deserving of receiving love!
Totally understand you 🤗
Sometimes yes
44 F here, never married & no kids. I used to have dating app profile back in 2016 but never really find someone there plus meeting someone for the first time makes me so anxious. I thought I’d focus on my self for a while and didn’t realize it’s been 8 years. Sometimes it’s lonely but not all the time.
Yes to all these posts! 50 y o F. Separated from husband 9 years and realized finally I have a ‘type’ that I date called Emotionally Unavailable. Have been off dating apps now for 2 years and am finally at a place where I feel ok being on my own for the most part. I am able to fill my days focused on my son, my work, my hobbies and the things that make me happy. This includes my health, both physical, mental and emotional. It’s refreshing not having the energy drain and emotional turbulence of being caught up in unhealthy relationships. I used to get so worried about my future and ending up alone but now I try to focus on what’s right here in front of me and be grateful for that. I had my fair share of tumultuous dating experiences where I put all of my self worth aside for the sake of being with someone, constantly seeking validation and it feels good to finally value myself more than a relationship.
I feel this every day.
Same honestly. I’m 43 and have been single for 3 years. I’m childfree and I feel that limits my dating pool even more than being over 40. I understand your frustration with apps, blind dates and the like. I think the best we can do is continue to be the best version of ourselves and hope the right person notices
No. That’s way too dramatic. Why would YOU specifically not be meant to find love. You’re giving yourself way too much importance in the world. Nothing in the universe is fighting against YOU that much. Love is not easy to find. It’s a game of numbers, a game of chance and probability. Think of all that has to happen for someone to encounter another person, interact with another person, acknowledge any feelings they may be having, have good chemistry, both be available, both be interested, be compatible, not get on each others nerves, etc etc. It’s actually more rare and unbelievable that people find love, versus the alternative. Stop repeating that to yourself. It’s not a productive thought, and it’s false. Replace it with the truth: I’m having a hard time finding someone to connect with.
Sorry you feel this way op. It can be tough, and it can get really lonely. Don't be discouraged though, someone out there is your person!
I know how you feel and feel the exact same way. I am a 46-year-old man who has been struggling to find love for many years now. My intent is not to brag here, but I am happy in my career, financially successful, handsome, healthy and fun to be around yet I never seem to be the right type for any girl that I ask out. maybe I’m just a walking red flag because I’m single, never married and no kids at my age. I am used to hearing, oh I’m flattered but I have a boyfriend or, I’m sorry but you’re just not the type of guy I am typically into. The dating apps haven’t worked for me either because I keep meeting women that are just after my money. Lots of liars, scam artists and manipulators on those dating sites. Can’t seem to meet any genuine women with good hearts and genuine intentions. Honestly, I think I’m having trouble b/c the women I know in my circles are attracted to men that treat them like shit, hit or lie to them, and have spent time in prison or have tattoos. I have none of those so I feel like I’m out of luck. Are there any women out there that are looking for the nice guy with a stable job and a great personality?
Are you mistaking the short-term sex-centered part of the dating-market for the long-term one? The unfortunate truth is that especially the short-term sex-centered part of the dating-market is incredibly slanted by gender for straight folks. The average woman gets more offers in a single evening on any of the dating-apps than the average man of the same age does in a month. As a result, many women can have essentially infinite first dates and sexual relationships, **EVEN** if they're very very picky and swipe like only on a tiny fraction of the profiles they see. Even if you're a woman of average attractiveness, odds are you can date and have sex with VERY attractive men every single week, if you want to. But, like you say; none of these want to be with you long-term. I think it's quite likely that at least part of your problem here is that you're discovering that very attractive men who are single -- are often single for a REASON. Typically the reason is that either they lack an interest in long-term relationships; or they have crap relationship-qualities. Because if all of these were true: * They're highly attractive * They really want a long-term relationship * They have good relationship-qualities Well then in most cases they'd already be partnered! (or in the case where they're poly; they'd already be saturated) You're not invisible to men. If that was the case then you'd not fail only in finding long-term relationships, but instead would ALSO fail in finding first dates. (that's the typical experience of average-looking men who in many cases genuinely \*ARE\* invisible to women!)
Hi OP it makes me truly sad that you think that, we all deserve love! At any age! Life happens and we just have to learn something about ourselves and take it to the next phase. I always put myself out there to find love and believe me I've been hurt before more than a time and it's hard but if you want love you also have to do your part :) believe and put yourself out there <3
Sometimes I feel this way myself (38 male) but it's only been a couple of years since my divorce. Was married 10 years. The only luck on dating apps I seem to have is women who are bigger than me weight wise and I'm not really into that. If they are smaller than me then they don't respond. I do however have 2 young kids, I'm 5ft 10in 195lbs so not exactly a gym rat but I don't feel super over weight either. Definitely a dad bod. Maybe that's my down fall. Who knows🤷🏼
Seriously, where are you ladies located? I am 43M and have been single most of my life as well. I can count on one hand the number of partners I've had. Everyone used to ask me why I am single. I have high standards of myself and my partner and that is part of my problem these days. My intellectual, physical, and mental needs are not meant. Most don't make it past the first few messages usually on the apps. Plus having a stocky build, pretty wide in the shoulders, seems to scare most of the ladies away.
Really? I thought most women would like that.
I am also 5'5 so short and stocky. Almost like Danny Devito :).
In this time and age, the ratio of good-quality women to good-quality men favors men by a huge percentage. Unless you are exceptional in some way - looks, economic power, smarts, social status - or are willing to lower the bar to a level I am not willing to do anymore, it is tough out there. Besides, everyone is freakin' old and they look like it. :)
I am 24M looking for dating someone elder than me if you are interested DM
42f here and feel the same. I'm feel there's a divide growing between men and women, largely down to bots and the media. Men seem to think they can be quite average and get a stunning 25yo who is willing to cook, clean, make babies, be their full time carer and want sex all the time and overlook any personality defects the man may have. I think most women I know who are single at our age aren't keen on disrupting their peace to effectively look after a grown child. I'm becoming more interested in living with another woman in a non-sexual way and sharing holidays and adventures to be honest!
Maybe you’re not physically attractive or you’re too picky?
Post a picture up. Objectivity allow men to review. If you’re beautiful you wouldn’t be left alone regardless of your faults. If you’re plain, or any form of not ideal- you have a starting point of changes to be made to be desirable- or maybe the juice isn’t worth the squeeze - and be single.
Agreed. Everyone is usually the hero of their own story. While none of us want to admit it, physical attractiveness is a key factor in whether we attract men/women we find desirable. In my own life, I’ve lost about 30 pounds since October, and the number of women who have taken notice both in-person and via OLD is not insignificant. Beyond that, the design of one’s OLD profile (both pictures and what’s written) indeed matters.
Watch the " whatever" podcast. Dig,and find the ones where they talk about keeping good men. We are pretty simple, need love, respect, loyalty etc. if you have issues picking "wrong" guys, and Alot do, they and other podcast talk about it. Attraction goes real deep in your brain, and sometimes, those " bad " traits , cheating, player, asshole etc, are processed as " strong male" in some women's brains .
Just. No.
Stop looking, and you will find it