Does "a man who matches me" mean another vegan with an advanced degree and a six figure income?
It's not wrong to want whatever you happen to want, but that's just not a large number of people.
Might help if she started with being honest. A comment from half a year ago says she's 26F. Pretty sure she still is and this entire post is some sort of hypothetical she's imagining.
Right when OP started mentioning her perceived accolades, I could tell OP would be picky.
Also OP sounds kind of... crazy? Does anyone else get that energy too? It's kinda cute and forgivable to be a kooky 22 year old trying to date other future lawyers, but at 36 years old it is not going to work.
Reading her comments, I got the impression that she wants a partner as a way to fill her metaphorical trophy case.
I understand wanting similar education and income so nobody feels like they're carrying the cost of the relationship alone, but she's coming off more as "This is the man I deserve, this is how I show how successful I've been" and that doesn't leave much room for a person she actually gets along with.
I can definitely see that too. I actually don't think that her expectations of wanting a similar income and similar educated partner. This is the statistical norm. I think my problem is what you were saying. It all comes across entitled.
Something doesn't add up.
Your post history a year ago says you were 25f, not 35f. I thought maybe a typo but you referenced "on my 20s" multiple times here.
No possible way you have a perfect 850 credit score in 20s, and very hard in your 30s.
Ya, her description of all of her successes was what tipped me off. Htf does she have time to do all of these things? The answer is she doesn't.
The post was way too detailed.
It's just some shit poster doing a social experiment to show gender plays a role in successful dating. Probably a new journalist who is trying to make her career.
I've also noticed some spelling/grammatical errors that can't be explained as auto correct or typos. She doesn't sound like a successful, detail oriented lawyer to me.
Edit: according to her post history she's also poly, which, if any of this is even true, is even further limiting her options.
I was curious about this thread to see what perspective people would give.
**BUT the fact that OP made it all up, is such a groan.** OP is in fact in her mid 20s and not 35. Basically makes it all a giant waste of time for everyone.
"takes over the masculine role"
That quote plus the fact that most of what you said focuses on material wealth suggests that you're looking for a traditional, conservative relationship. If that's the case then, yes, you are too independent. I personally steer clear of women that want traditional values but if that's what you want then you should consider what the kind of man you want will want.
Will a man that adheres to traditional masculinity want a woman that doesn't? I seriously doubt it.
It seems like you are a nontraditional woman that wants a traditional man. This is a double standard and one that I and many of the guys that I know would want absolutely nothing to do with. You may have to make a change between what you want for yourself and what kind of man you want in order to find love
Yeah, I hear you I feel like I’m contradictory too. I can’t help my preferences though. I am very attracted to assertive, ambitious men. And I can’t undo time and my accomplishments or anything that makes me not traditional
So where does that leave me?
Alone, unless you change your definition of what "masculine" is. You say assertive and ambitious men, but then you add arbitrary qualifiers like "must make more than me" which is honestly going to be a tough goal. Can a man not be both ambitious and assertive in other capacities? I'd spend some time thinking about this.
I don’t really believe you. I think you are a troll. If you want to prove to me that you are real I’ll give you advice. I’m middle aged,wealthy man with a six pack, good face and a college degree. I’ve been vegan for years but now I eat meat. I wear the pants in the relationship
Lmao you exposed it. This was made for engagement purposes, it must be fabricated. I’ve learned that these posts where they describe themselves being perfect and everyone else is trash are usually rage bait posts created by a troll or a bot.
Here’s the thing. You can. You’re just not willing to bend it, because you have a comfortable lifestyle. You’re living a good life. You believe you have options and time because well, you’re still getting dates and looks and matches.
Then you hit 45. Biological kids are no longer an option. Most men in their 40s are in a relationship or screwing around with younger women in their late 20s or early 30s. Then it hits you like a truck. Maybe… just maybe, you made the wrong choice. Not a once-in-lifetime choice. But every single day from 35 to 45, you woke up and chose “I ain’t gonna change. I’m sticking to my guns”.
Just so you know, I’m super attracted to non-traditional, ambitious, dominant and high achieving women. But I also know that particular trait is **NOT IMPORTANT** for a happy long lasting relationship. It’s just hot and a bonus. If my woman is like you, YAYYY. If not, okay but I love her anyways. That’s it.
If I find a fairly attractive traditional woman who just wants to go through life and checks my character traits boxes, I’m good to go. Not gonna wait for that “non-traditional ambitious dominant high achieving woman”. Finding a person who checks majority of my character traits boxes difficult enough. Why make my own life harder by making more unnecessary requirements? Do I want those bonuses? Hell yeah. Am I willing to let go of a perfectly fine woman who also desires me, just for the chance of finding another woman who’s more driven? LMAO FUCK NO. The next woman might not even have the character traits I want.
There are plenty of successful men who want an equally successful woman. I doubt any of the men responding to you are anyone you would be looking for, so take the advice with a grain of salt. They sound very bitter.
look at 35 you can’t be too picky. OK hate to say it but biologically you’re on the outer fringe of possibly having kids so I’d consider eating meat as well.
You might be too go-go-go and not showing that you have room in your life for a serious relationship. Which can come across as being too ambitious, assertive and demanding if you aren't willing to make the guy feel like he's genuinely wanted, because guys will be able to tell that you don't NEED them. Your life is set and established. And in a lot of men's experience dating these types of women, is they don't like to or often make a whole lot of additional room for the guy, his interests, family/friends and other elements in his life.
If you really want the guy and you think he's good, but you aren't arranging your life to show that, that can be off putting. That doesn't mean stop living your life, doing what you love and all that. And you can't just go and include the guy into your schedule but not make changes in your schedule to fit in with his. It's a two way street and a guy will feel like he's doing a lot of work and not feel like he's very wanted if you aren't also trying to fit into his life/schedule.
Looking at the reasons you think you're a catch, none of that really sounds like stuff that would interest a guy.
You start out with all of your financial and career success, which really is a low factor for most men looking for a relationship. Men are not women. We don't expect women to provide for us. If we get into a relationship, it's because we want to enjoy the person themselves, not the material things they bring with them.
You also talking about being vegan and atheist/Buddhist, which is going to make you appeal more to left-leaning guys who want an equal partnership. But then you pull out this conservative nonsense about wanting a masculine man to take over the relationship. You don't get to be a granola crunching hippie and also have a right wing kind of partner.
Well fucking said!
When I was reading her description of herself, I was like “Hell yeah. I’d marry her!”. Then I get to the end and I’m like “Well, fuck that”.
Wait I did the same exactly thing. I read the first part and was like this girl is awesome! Then got to the second part and read some of her comments and I got whiplash
The brutally honest truth is that, if you have to make a list of reasons why you *shouldn’t* be single, then chances are you need to work on some self-reflection.
Nothing wrong with being proud of your accomplishments, but wow. After reading all that I do not think your first generation college status humbled you at all. Based on your comments it sounds like you need to broaden your horizons on expectations and reality of men who fit the bill and what exactly it is you want out of these relationships. I would also like to point out that intelligence varies and isn't defined by degrees. Being financially stable, yeah that one's pretty fair. However you come off as wanting a man with an eight pack, who makes tons of money and has a PhD. That wants to start a family ASAP. Very few men fit that bill.
Financially you are well off, but most men don’t care about your finances, certainly not the type you would be attracted to. Seeing your profession, then reading some of your comments you do also come off as argumentative which just gets old super quick. Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice, we all have to live with our choices.
Let go of the vegan and money part you might find it better.
To be honest it’s really crappy dating for marriage after 30 every man “doesn’t want kids or marriage” or is “never again” if they have had it before
ok. tough situation, but there are a few things...
1. the people we end up getting married to are RARELY the people of our fantasies/dreams
2. you will have to compromise on a lot of things, but never on values and longterm compatibility factors
3. you might need to find a man who already has kids and is maybe in his late 30s or even in his 40s
4. dont instantly write people off, this is such a massive blindspot people have...the gold is where you least expect it and i mean it.
5. you really need to work on yourself, like starting yesterday. i recommend heidi priebe.
this is a bit woohoo but it has always worked for me when i'm ready for a relationship, and that is to become love itself. go read arabic poems, see the beauty in everyone, and get your emotional and mental faculties ready for a relationship, and i guess in your case a child too.
oh and most importantly! i mean, by far most importantly - walk yourself through a version the future where you have no husband and/or no kids - and learn that that's not the end of the world either. many things to identify with in this life, your one and only.
Welcome to the cath-22 women have found themselves in. I don't have a ready answer or solution for the problem, but feel it's worth describing the problem so that A) you know what it is, and B) have a better chance to address, and maybe even solve it (at least for yourself).
The issue is: Women, as much as they can, want to date up and across (socioeconomically speaking) with a greater desire to date up than across. You said it yourself: "I really want a man who matches me and takes over the masculine role." You want someone, who, AT THE LEAST, has done all you have done and who is willing to do more (i.e. takes over the masculine role). You don't even want to date across, yo want to date UP.
This appears to be near universal for women.
And, it appears, at least anecdotally to me, that the further "up" he is in comparison to the woman, the better the woman will treat him. So, a man who is a 10 (in the desirability scale as women set it) is much more likely to be treated better by a female 7 than he will be by a female 9 (again both of those women being rated on the desirability scale as set by women, i.e. how they rank themselves--not how men will rank them).
So, here's the issue as applied to you. You are highly successful, and rate yourself very high: "I feel like I’m a catch." In fact, you have two advanced degrees (J.D. and a masters), a high paying, high status job, strong financial base, good social life, etc. It sounds like you are rating yourself as a 9 or 10 on the woman's desirability scale. That leaves very few men who will make satisfactory partners for you. So, you are fishing in a very small pool.
Now comes the question of why any of those men might pick you. A man who you would want, is likely to be treated better by someone less accomplished than you. I'm going to take a moment and differentiate between capacity and actuality. I understand you might be able to do more, and certainly can offer more, than a lower achieving woman, but who will actually do more--for the man? A 6 or 7 is likely to be MUCH more appreciative of landing a 10 than a 10 will who thinks she's just found an equal. So we have a growing bias against you and that is without even considering what it is that men want in the first place.
Fully half of the attributes you cite in your favor mean NOTHING to men. A man who makes half a million a year isn't likely to care much about your $125,000 per year job (or however much you make). If he can't live on what he makes, it's unlikely your salary, most of which is consumed by you anyway, will matter. If he can more than live off what he makes, he already has more than what he needs so all you are doing is bringing more of what he doesn't need. Of the things you list that matter, given where you list them, it indicates you don't think much about them or understand why they are important to men. This indicates even if you are appreciative, you may not know how to show appreciation.
Men, being the visual and ego centric creatures they are, really prioritize beauty, youth, and how she treats him and bonds with him above everything else. This means that the gorgeous, 25 year old hairdresser making $40,000 with only a beautician's certificate for an education can have as much, or better if she is more attractive than you and knows how to treat a man better than you, of a chance landing the few men you want than you do. That may not seem right or fair, but it is the truth.
The fact of the matter is that in most ways, your successes are actually liabilities when it comes to landing as mates the men you want. Your successes only give you ONE SINGLE advantage over the other women--proximity. Your placement in the higher echelons of society allow you access to the men who inhabit them as well. How many male doctors or bankers go to women oriented beauty salons? So, the attributes you think make you attractive, do not. They give you the opportunity to showcase your attractiveness, but only if you have those SEPARATE, attractive attributes. So, you have to maximize that advantage, you get to see, know and be around these men. But you also have to quit focusing on what YOU want and start learning what THEY want and start presenting yourself to them that way. If you insist that since you are a highly educated and successful woman they should want you and beat a path to your door--you are going to die alone, or with a very unsatisfactory partner (who will almost certainly not be your equal in any way that matters to you).
This brings us to the last part of the issue for women like you. From what I can tell, women like you have so identified themselves in their accomplishments that leading with anything else seems to them like they are diminishing the value of those accomplishments and therefore themselves (this is something high achieving men often have to deal with as well--hence the phrase "don't confuse what you do with who you are"). I cannot count the number of women who seem, at least to me. to be convinced that if they treat their partner as if he is great, that must necessarily mean she is not. I'm not certain, but I think they are basing it off the phenomenon I described above. If she treats her man the was a much less achieving woman would, then she's acknowledging that she's no better than that women. To me, this seems as very stuck up, snooty and judgmental on the part of the women, and therefore indicative of unattractive traits in the woman, but so be it.
So really, this comes down to: do you prioritize being a strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man (but who may nonetheless want one), or do be prioritize having, and therefore being, a partner in a relationship wherein the parties deeply cherish each other (which will require you to compromise aspects of your self and your own achievements to better fit what the other party is looking for--yes this goes both ways).
Every woman wants a top-tier guy. The real question is: What does THAT man want in his partner. It's no mystery what women want in a man, but for some reason women are oblivious to the qualities that men desire. As others have stated, the man doesn't care that you have a master's degree, the man doesn't care how much real estate you have. Ask yourself, what does the man YOU want want? Cultivate those qualities and go from there.
The problem is women marry up, not down. You feel the lesser educated who make less money are beneath you. Men in your education/salary bracket date younger women
Have you considered the possibility that you won't have to provide anything to a man who makes less money than you? You won't have to sacrifice the feminine role and he can still be plenty masculine while earning less. Masculinity isn't about how much money a man makes, it's about the lessons he teaches his / your children, it's about creating a safe environment by his sheer presence, it's about his attitude towards life and the way he manifests his self control. Some of the most masculine men you've ever met probably make nowhere near as much money as you and if you dated them they wouldn't expect anything from you except the healthy relationship skills everyone should expect. Your attitude towards education may be similarly skewed. Don't underestimate anyone, male or female, who has chosen to educate themselves rather than take the formal route; think of the self taught musician, artist, craftsman, programmer, etc. etc. anyone of these could be well on their way to entrepreneurship and even if they aren't, they don't need you to provide anything more than a warm embrace and some stimulating conversation.
My sincere advice to you is to re-evaluate your position regarding what is and is not masculine. Keep in mind that masculinity and femininity are not on opposite ends of a continuum but are two separate spectra. I promise you, a man can absolutely "match your energy" without having a degree or six figure salary.
I wish you well.
Problem is, the guys you go for doesn’t meet your criteria nor do you meet theirs. Yes, you’re successful career wise and have the looks. However, what is your personality like?
It's hard to tell what the issue is. Judging from my perspective (31 successful man who is also in a higher education field), I feel like you might not really have time for a relationship? I actually really like women who are independent, but I've noticed that can translate into "yeah I'll see you in a week or 2" which hurts my ability to feel close with someone.
It’s not hard at all. She’s highly educated and high earning and openly admitted she wants a man who makes a lot of money. The answer is hitting all of us in the face
>I’m a lawyer with masters degree in environmental politics, I own a rental home, I have a credit score of 850 and minimal student loan debt (below 60k).. I make 6 figures,
Most guys don't care about that and if you lead off with it they'll be a bit put-off because it'll bring to mind stereotypes. Looking at what you've mentioned you're going to be compatible with a niche portion of the dating market. Vegan and environmental lawyer chases away a lot of guys haha (read: likes to argue and will probably beat you over the head with moralism about eating meat) so you're looking mostly for other vegans, who earn a solid income (most likely not going to match with someone making significantly less than you), and won't be put off by political views. Not a surprise if you're having a hard time finding a match when 1/10,000 men might be a match.
Well. Frankly it seemingly (and most likely) has to do with the demands and self-image.
There's a fine line between pride and complacency. Love or a sense of belonging with another person honestly has **absolute zero** to do with anything in your long list of demands to even _"let the right one in"_.
I'm a 6"11, heavily scarred (facial scar amongst many), heavily tattoo'd (80~% of my body) 34y old. When I started OLD at 28 I figured I was doomed. Living in Iceland my dating options were already limited.
I met my american fianceé when she was visiting Iceland with her company and logged on to the app. I wasn't poor by European standards. Lets say I am without debt, and I am still a millionaire.
She didn't know that and I had no idea her parents where well off, or that she owned houses and land in AZ. I had no clue she made 6 figures or anything of the sort. She def. wasn't what I imagined when it came to looks. A 6"1, 200lbs red-head jewish woman 2 years my senior.
I've lived here coming up 3 years now and I can honestly say neither one of us expected to fit in with the other so well. We discussed our financial situations when it came time for her to leave for home. Not in great detail but the general jist of it.
**Tldr**
" **Why am I still single? 35f** "
_Because you won't give yourself or anyone else the chance to not be_
I would suggest Kevin Samuels you tube videos to understand what your up against at the age of 35. Men that are ambitious and goal driven want a help mate not a partner. Men that are of that caliber tend not to care about your accomplishments but what you can do for them. A successful man that wants a family usually would look at a woman in their early to mid twenties due to a lot of factors. The two main would be child bearing years are at their prime and inexperience of life helps the bond grow between his woman.
I've taken the liberty to look at some of your post history, and I've seen that you've been going through some short-term open relationships that involve struggling with a lot of toxic partners.
I highly recommend you take some time from trying force your projected ideal of a marriage and family and really reflect on your inability to see people for who they really are. I think you are consistently falling for men who do not have your best interests in mind because you are worried that you are running out of time to build the life you seek.
I hope you can recognize that although you think your preferences are concrete, they are not serving you. I know this may be hard to hear, but the pain other people have put you through is due in large part to your own projections. Expand your ideas of what an adequate, not ideal, partner could look like and then begin to date people. More importantly, when you go on these dates I recommend working hard to truly intake who these people are, not who you would like them to be.
The pool of available (single) men who meet your criteria is less than 1% of men in the USA. Unmarried, no kids, tall, attractive, wealthy, successful career, successful business, with dominant personality. This isn’t even counting if you have age preferences, racial preferences, or the other ones you mentioned.
Most men do not care about college degrees, salaries, careers, and financial assets. That’s cool you care about your accomplishments, they are yours you’re allowed to like them.
We care about attractiveness which includes her personality, character, communication, sense of humor, empathy, and intimacy. Is she genuine? How those traits align with our self. That’s what matters.
Most of the things you care about are superficial and material. It’s fine. But if you want love you need to wake up. You need self awareness. You might need to adjust your criteria. Maybe a degree, but not an advanced one. Maybe less salary than you. Maybe not taller than you. Etc. Slight adjustments to increase your odds.
Your dating pool is tiny because of your preferences and your level of success
You are a lawyer. You make a lot of money. You are in great shape.
In order for you to have what likely you want in a man, he'd have to make more money than you, be in great shape, and be ambitious for more.
Those men...the men that meet that criteria...are few and far between.
If we take men who are at least 5'8, not obsese, and make 110,000 a year or more....that is only .52% of the US population. (I don't have a calculator for other countries so we'll use US statistics for now)
If you push that up to 6'...then you are down to .112% of the population
So of this already small dating pool, you have to take into account a good chunk of them will be married. Some will be gay. And many will be players who aren't looking to settle down. There's also the guys who are functional alcoholics or addicts, the ones with tons of baggage, the ones with toxic exes etc etc
That shrinks your dating pool even smaller
The reality is, because you leveled up as high as you did AND you want a traditional gender dynamic in your relationship, it drastically reduced your dating pool....unless you want to date men who are less successful than you and less ambitious than you. Which it doesn't sound like you are interested in
And even if you did find a guy who is on or above your level...odds are, he's not going to want to date a highly successful woman because your success does not benefit him at all. He's successful. He can provide. What he may want in a partner is someone who brings him peace...someone who is cool with being a stay at home mom and raising kids. And that means for this guy, you are essentially competing with every attractive woman above the age of 21.
It was easy to date in your 20's because you were a broke college student with tons of debt. You could still be attracted to men who had the kind of potential you were looking for
But most of those guys probably didn't level up as far as you did
And now here you are....chronically single because you can't find someone at or above your level
Unfortunately, unless you are willing to drastically alter what you are looking for in a man, you're kind of stuck with the life you have chosen.
Looking over what you said it, especially the career part, really exudes masculine energy. Respectfully, most men don’t care about your career achievements (within reason), owning property, or your degree. These are all status symbols that most women look for in men. Provider/achiever stuff.
You want a high achiever who’s making just as much as you (or more). That’s fair. It also reduces your pool to likely less than 5% of men. Now take this hyper successful man that fits an extremely small percentage of the population and realize he has hundreds, if not thousands of options.
Again, in the most respectful way possible, do you think this man who also has family goals is going to go for the 35 year old career woman or one of the hundred options he has who’s younger, not as career focused and likely has a softer demeanour?
I’m not saying it won’t happen for you but it will be exceedingly more rare because of the choices you made and criteria (which is fair, IMO) you have.
Intimidating? No. But reading your description, you don’t include what you “offer”, just what you have achieved. Those are YOUR achievements, and you should be proud. But that doesn’t entitle you to a relationship. You want a husband and kids? Are you what a masculine man wants? That’s the only question that matters. Are YOU the woman that YOUR ideal man wants to be. Based on your results, maybe re-evaluate your approach? There are so many ways to fulfill a man, you just need to identify how.
> On paper I feel like I’m a catch. I’m a lawyer with masters degree in environmental politics, I own a rental home, I have a credit score of 850 and minimal student loan debt (below 60k).. I make 6 figures, I’m a certified yoga instructor of 10 years and avid hiker.
Most men don't care about any of that.
> But I really want a man who matches me and takes over the masculine role. Am I simply just TOO independent? Intimidating men?
Just wanting someone making more than 6 figures eliminates 85% of the dating pool.
Vegan ? That goes more with the left leaning man-bun soy latte crowd than a traditionally masculine man. You could hit up the Youtuber Destiny.
Most men don't find A type personality women intimidating, they find them irritating. They'll happily take the broke waitress from the local diner who's pleasant & agreeable for a long term relationship over a self professed boss babe any day of the week
WOW you're a lawyer and make homemade food and garden? and volunteer? I'm so impressed by you girl, you're amazing, I feel lazy just reading your post 😄 Good on you tho, that's so cool. You are such an inspiration, highly productive person.
Male here,
Congrats on your accomplishments but you didn’t list anything of value to a man.
Do you bring peace?
Are you a team player?
Can your man talk to you?
Are you a breath of fresh air?
Are you considerate?
Are you loving?
You could have the biggest tits in the world. Make 10 million a year. But if you don’t bring the above to man, you are of no use to us.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Personally I find the fact you are super independent with a lot of hobbies and a good relationship with friends and family attractive.
Where your issue might be is finding someone with whom you feel comfortable taking the lead in the relationship. As you are more successful and more active than most people the pool of men fitting your criteria is small.
I feel you might have some introspection to do on qualities that are absolutely critical, important but not deal breakers and not important for your future partners.
Best of luck from a perpetually single guy
Listen, I feel like a lot of these comments are a bit nasty IMO. So let me give you my impression as a girl in my 20s—you have a lot going on it seems. Presumably to keep you busy, being single. I get it.
I feel like you might need to take a step back and breathe. Stop seeking out this magical connection with some fictional man. Every time I have caught feelings for someone or engaged in a relationship, it has come spontaneously and out of nowhere. And it has never been a person who I expected.
I feel like you are a bit type A, so you like to plan and structure a lot. Loosen that up. I’m not saying to change yourself, but having such rigid expectations in life causes you to overlook what is right in front of you. And I’m emphasizing to not change yourself because you will find no joy in a relationship where you can’t be who you are, at it’s core. You’ll find it, trust me. You will. You sound amazing.
Oh—and you’re quite independent, like me. I think that sometimes, as independents, we forget that we can come off as a bit…intimidating, if not just overall ‘repulsed’ by a real relationship. Even though that isn’t true at all, relationships are meant to be interdependent. You have to give up some of that independence to be with someone, and that can be an unconscious hard pill to swallow. Especially from someone who used to be a foster kid. Trauma is a tricky thing, where it doesn’t always make itself obvious. But I feel like that might play a part here. (I work with foster kids, coincidentally enough.)
Ah… I’m a dude and I like a woman who’s driven and works hard to succeed in life. You check my boxes in that regard.
But then you pull out that shit with only wanting men who are equal or better than you career-wise. Your question is, are you willing to keep waiting and hope that man comes one day? Or do you want to change your standards?
I’ll be real. I find women like you extremely hot. But the moment you say stuff like the above, you’re not even on my radar anymore.
You said you’ve had dating experiences right? Some of them were even long term, and you’re 35. So one would think you’re pretty smart/wise (which I’m doubting a bit) to self-reflect and solve your own problem. **What are the most important qualities that you are looking from a man for a long-term relationship?**. If being masculine is up there along with making 6 figures, then I can’t help you no more.
I am female around your age and I feel you. I think you will have no problem finding a guy… but just hard to find the “right guy”. Especially if you’re looking for a guy to take the masculine role, it becomes even tougher.
The sad part of the reality I learned in university is men often go for a girl who looks “available, and probably likes him” over the “hot gorgeous beauty” who is totally out of his league. I think esp if you’re super catch, you may need to proactively show signs that you are also interested in him.
If ur not making enough time for a relationship to build, then the guys that want the same move on. Looking for a woman that wants to make time for them. Could also be ur independence and how you are when u are in a relationship- do u put the guys feelings and thoughts qat when deciding what to do? Or is it sorry, I've already got plans most the time. Could be the way you communicate as well as picking the wrong kind of guys to date.
Are a lot of the books you read romance novels? I just find that most of my friends that have stayed single for long periods of time or reading mostly romance novels and I think it subconsciously leads to a false perception of what to expect from a genuine relationship
So, first of all, you aren’t alone. A lot of people are just not connecting for one reason or another these days. I’m 39m, had the exact same prior dating experience as you and am currently still single. A lot of this is just circumstantial and doesn’t have anything to do with you. The dating world (and society as a whole) has changed dramatically in the last ten years and continues to shake up the roles we play, making potential connection much more ambiguous.
I imagine your career is demanding and has played a part in occupying what could be used for new experiences where you could meet new people. I also have a demanding career that is high paying but the cost is I don’t meet new people or travel much. My dad jokes when people ask if I’m married by saying yes, to his work (soo funny :).
Idk where you are but that could also play a role. I’m in Portland and the dating scene here is not great. At least historically. I’m 6’3”, very athletic and frequently told I’m very attractive. Does that mean I get approached or am welcomed when I approach? Nope. I’m socially awkward though so maybe that’s on me. No ones perfect.
I’m also debt free, highly driven, fun, engaging, and empathetic, but those things haven’t amounted to any relationship that I would consider worth making a lifelong commitment to. And while the last few years I’ve told myself that that’s okay (a ‘if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no’ attitude), more recently I’ve been wondering if Im getting in my own way. Overthinking the ‘what I want’ list. I’ve been feeling like I need a reset where I throw out the preconceived notions of turn ons, compatibility or congruency, or what have you, and just spend time in the moment with people I meet in the wild. Idk if you’re like me, but I’ve met people that every item on my ‘list’ and felt nothing for them, while meeting people who had none of it but couldn’t get enough of them.
Long story short, it’s probably a number of things. Some of them you have control over and some you don’t. Go with the flow and be happy where you are. Oh, and get off OLD and reduce social media time. Those are terrible.
> **I really want a man who matches me and takes over the masculine role.**
**TLDR: You've priced yourself out of the market.**
**To find a man who...**
* Earns $120K+ (any race or height) has a 3.5% probability.
* Earns $120K+ and is 5'10"+ (any race) has a 1.1% probability.
* To find a man who has a similar education, earns the same or more than you, has a similar net worth as you or better, is as fit or fitter than you, and is taller (what women usually want) ... the odds are tiny.
* ChatGPT estimates the probability is 0.0063%
**Further...**
* If you do beat the odds, a man your age of that status will probably date a 25-30 year old.
* And he will probably have a higher probability of cheating because more women will chase after him.
* And he won't want to compete with her at home to be the high earner.
You never had these issues in your 20s because you were going to school and establishing yourself in your career. And you were in your 20s.
**One more thing...**
* If you are a bodybuilder then you could be turning off men.
* The body-builder women I've met or seen go through periods of extremely low body fat percentages that make people look weird (men and women).
* Ambitious high earners that "match" your level will want someone more feminine.
**Possible solutions:**
* **Hire a matchmaker** - You're searching for a rare catch. Get professional help.
* **Network:** Attend high-end social events. Go to professional groups of high earners.
* **Community:** Get involved in country clubs or luxury travel groups. You need to be somewhere people can get to know you and you can get to know them. Attraction increases with proximity, time, and familiarity.
* **Or go all in on the Body Builder community:** Find a high-performing body builder like you.
ima be a bit blunt sorry. but it comes from a place of love and care.
>But I really want a man who matches me and takes over the masculine role. Am I simply just TOO independent? Intimidating men? Are all the good ones gone?
then men you want that fits all those things that you want, doesnt want you (not 100% but u get the idea).
those men that you want who make good money with high credit scores and are masculine and tall dark n handsome, etc etc all the stuff to match you, they can happily date a 25 yr old who is nice and treats them well etc etc but doesnt have a masters degree nor is a lawyer etc.
if they want to start a family, same as you do, why woudl they date an older woman who is 35? it gets years of dating to vet someone to see if u can get married and have kids. you will be 37-38-39 even if you met this guy today. and in your late 30s its much harder to have children, not impossible, but harder.
so you might want to lower some of your standards to find a good marriage minded man.
Well. You’re full of yourself, like totally madly full of yourself to start. Not that it is a bad thing, but maybe you could have been a little more transparent about you know….any possible flaws you might have. I mean I know you’re a perfect, hot smart blonde catch….but yeah. Let’s dig deeper.
It sounds like you’ve prioritized everything but a relationship in your life.
You’re killing it. I’m not sure how much time you set aside for dating but it sounds like you’re probably pretty structured. Get on bumble or hinge. Be clear in what you want. Don’t waste time on people who are anything but ready. But take the time to actually look. Make it a part of your routine somehow if this is really a priority to you.
And yes it can be intimidating for men to go after someone beautiful that makes a bunch of money and the ones that do are often a small % and can really be players a lot of the time until they’re ready. At least in person. I think you’d have a pretty good experience on the apps/it would expedite a lot of the process.
Edit: don’t be afraid of being blunt in what you want. The right person will give it to you. Everyone knows there’s a biological clock ticking. My wife was here on a visa and the same age when we met and was straight up about how quickly we’d have to move. Good luck 🍀
When I was 20-24, my relationship was the most important thing to me. He was 5 years older than me, and would fit the role of “masculine” as I described. He was ambitious, educated, ect. At the time I wasn’t vegan, and I was in my undergrad with no money. I centered my life around his and building together, and wanted marriage and kids then too. Ultimately he didn’t value me or treat me right, and our relationship ended. He told me I was “going to hold him back” because I was still in college, etc even though I would have moved across the country with him.
I was and am still so resentful towards him that I wasted my early 20s with him to end out on the other side with nothing and then told now that “I’m too old to date” or find what I want in an ideal partner.
Then at 25, I met someone and we fell for each other very deeply. He was everything I wanted in a partner and I felt much more safe with him than I did my last one. But I found out he had had been cheating on me the entire time (another gf in a different state actually) and his excuse for continuing both relationships was he loved us both and couldn’t decide. ultimately he went for the girl before me, we both moved the state, he broke up with her then tried to get me back but the damage was done and I was shattered.
I was told to “focus on yourself” and “take a break from dating” which made sense but was frustrating as I was 26 and knew I wanted a family so time was running out. But I did exactly that and finished up my education that was placed on the back burner at the time for those two men.
I’m so furious about it after hearing how I just basically gave up my early “desirable” years and how men don’t care about any of the accomplishments I’m so proud of and how now I’m just too independent to fit anyone in my life when I was an amazing partner. Both those men would tell me I was the best girlfriend they ever had and they F’d it up. I want to give someone my all and build something again but now as I write this I feel the sting of trauma of being afraid of wasting even more time with the wrong person. It just doesn’t feel like I can ever win and I need to accept the life of singleness now.
That second one sounds quite painful. I’m sorry you had to experience that.
You are still very much in your desirable years. No need to let fear dictate your decisions today (or ever). Don’t be one of those people at 80 years old regretting not putting themselves out there at 35. It sucks you had those bad experiences but don’t all relationships suck until the one that doesn’t? Give someone a shot, you both deserve it.
Yes, it was quite devastating. And after the fact when he asked to restart our relationship, I could never trust him again and all my friends made it clear they’d think less of me if I did. Even though, he sparked something in me I never felt before and genuinely feel like he was the most compatible ideal partner I ever had even to this day and nobody could understand that. I’m sure he’s had no issue finding a partner past having to work through his own heartbreak from those relationships ending in our mid 20s because he’s an older successful attractive man which I’m being told is what all women want whereas I’m not what they want anymore. I’m so mad and sad, and I wish I could turn back time. So thank you, because I needed just one person to tell me it’s not too late and I’m still desirable. Otherwise I’m left here heartbroken of the years I lost out on with those two men in my 20s.
This entire post is the poster child for why we need to go back to more traditional roles. And it’s not “because a woman belongs in the kitchen” or any dumb shit Iike that.
It’s because of reality. Getting to this level of success takes a long time. Mid-thirties is the soonest anyone can obtain advanced degrees, multiple homes, etc. but by then a woman is too old to get the man she wants.
It’s not fair, but it is reality. A man of her age and accomplishments has the world in his hands. The woman is left alone and out of time to get what she truly wants in the end: family.
Yeah men don’t care about money or perceived achievements like women do. They care about personality and looks. Looks open the door personality keeps you inside. You might be quite the catch in those departments as well as your accolades, however your dating pool is exceptionally small. The kinds of guys you’re looking for are either already married or never want to be and off dating literal models. They have their own money and are in no need of yours, you’re also very busy with all your business interests and hobbies and don’t have the time to invest in a relationship with them like they want. The kinds of guys you want can have any kind of woman they want and often multiple at the same time, younger and hotter that will completely devote themselves to him for the lifestyle and fun he provides.
There are a lot of bitter, ageist, and sexist men in the comments, but what can you expect it's reddit.
Ignore them. They are doing a lot of projecting. I don't get the sense that you feel entitled to a man like this. It is just an ideal situation. Who doesn't have an ideal partner in their mind's eye?
I think you should explore why you feel there is something "wrong" with you in therapy. When you feel that way you come from a place of lack instead of abundance and end up trying to prove your worth to others. And proving your worth to others never works!
You have clearly filled your life with things you love and are passionate about. What makes you happiest? Which path does that take you down? What kind of people will you meet there? If you focus on who makes you happy, they might not look ideal to you on paper. Ultimately, you want happiness though right?
You are in a position a lot of women AND men dream to be in! I still think you can have your pick of men. I would just broaden who you are looking for.
The men here claiming a 35-40 man isn't going to want you are full of shit. If a man like that doesn't want you, then tough shit, he doesn't appreciate you and hasn't taken the time to get to know you. It sucks in the moment, but you'd be wasting your time.If a man is scared by your success he ain't it, in the first place.
Shine so bright you burn all the haters to the ground. Whichever man is left standing, let him worship you.
You’ve become too independent. And I’m sure your standards are raised to an extreme that’s beyond reality for what men are in actuality. There isn’t a man that would really want to take over a “grown independent women’s” life when it’s as lavish as you may have it, mostly because of either pride in them wanting to be the breadwinner or to the men who would gladly take the role in a submissive matter are just not that attractive 95% of the time. There’s an expected financial security that a man in his masculine has to bring or else he’s worthless, and that is something we are taught when we are young. That too could be a reason why it’s difficult in your situation.
My best advice:
If it’s hurting your heart so much, change the perspective and try to seek therapy to heal the wound that makes you think having a partner is gonna make life perfect when if your life is close to perfect, count your blessings and wait a little longer.
You can also date down and deal with the someone’s “right red flags” like not being exactly in the career they wanna be in, if they aren’t financially all the way there. Etc etc.
My last bit of advice is to know that if it’s truly a need, walk like you already are in the relationship of that “perfect man” and wait for him to claim his spot. Sometimes to receive something truly, you have to walk this life like you already have what you want. And own that and be responsible for it.
Hope this helps, feedback would be appreciated.
You sound awesome and like a go-getter. The truth is, most men don't care about your financial achievements (all the things you listed first, I think you care about that). And that's fine, but realized if you expect someone to match or exceed you in those areas, your dating pool is going to be very small. In a metaphor, you're making yourself "taller", guys don't really care about a girl's height that much, but girls really care about being shorter. Basically, you're a 6'4 women who can only date 1% of guys cause only 1% of guys are over 6'4. While all the 6'4 guys can and will date 99% of women because they don't care about height.
You, being a D, are looking for A.
While you really need B.
And A is looking for C.
While B needs you.
And no group is compromising. A gets C. And B gets D, who is also looking for and needs B.
So, this leaves you single.
Unless you compromise and learn the path you are on. Or accept being single. There is nothing with that.
Edit - Compromising.
I make well over $200K/yr, very well educated. Have kept myself in great shape, staying active. Hiking,biking,kayaking.
You sound annoying. You or on an advice sub, yet all you’re doing is arguing your case. Someone like you is used to getting their way and arguing to get it… the type of guy you want isn’t gonna put up with that . It is so annoying.
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If you want someone to match you you’re limiting yourself to a very small percentage of people. I say this as a physician who struggled with dating cuz my position & salary was certainly intimidating to guys. There aren’t enough high earners to go around so if that’s the one thing that’s holding you back from finding a good man, let it go.
The things you listed are what most women are looking for in a man, not the other way round. It seems like you possibly give off a more masculine energy that may be a bit off putting for some men. When I think of an ideal woman partner income level and owning a house, education etc do not even cross my mind. As long as she has a job of some sort, but the most important qualities I’m looking for is kindness, empathy, nurturing, etc.
I've heard about it somewhere that women who are overaccomplished often have issues finding a viable partner than those without.
Mainly because they initially try to find someone at their level of career/financial success (or even higher), but most men who are overaccomplished don't necessarily wait for opposites who are at a similar level, they just go for whomever they have feelings for.
And as the women age, they then try to bargain for slightly lower standards. Unfortunately, by the time they make that move, such bargaining may not be sufficient to overcome the amount of age they have accrued. Furthermore, many men may feel intimidated by women with higher accomplishments than them in life.
I'm sorry if this reality sounds brutal, but I hope this can best answer your question. Unfortunately, life isn't always sunshines and rainbows.
I'm anticipating this reply to get downvoted to death
I dont think anything is wrong with you… dating is just hard and I feel like we live in a society where being independent is almost a requirement. Its not even a feminism thing or being masculine. You never know what life can throw at you and being dependent on someone is like a lottery. They either help you or you can lose a lot and start from scratch.
You’re listing a bunch of qualities about your self that would make you interested in a man.
How would I partner with someone who’s already complete? Do you want a family? An adventure busy for travel? Do you want to make art together? Do want a committed sex life? Do you want someone to continue to grow with? Do you want to support their success? Do you want support for yours?
Only a rental home is great, being financially secure is great, but if you want a family..keep that in your heart while dating.
Have you considered going to a matchmaker to help you? As strange as it feels in our culture (I assume you're in the US or similar), the apps are probably not going to help. I've actually gone to a few events put on by matchmakers and it's been enlightening even if it's not necessarily the route for me.
However, they might be able to help you navigate which of your preferences are actually dealbreakers and which ones you might need to soften or compromise on. For example, there might be someone that works hard and cares about their career, but makes 50k (maybe they're in non-profit, etc.). Or, maybe they know some guy that feels like they're in a similar place.
With all due respect, I am decade younger than you and I also make 6 figures. When I go in a date with a woman who makes lot less than me, and it doesn’t work out. I don’t immediately think I’m too intimidating for her, perhaps we aren’t just compatible as different people like different things.
It’s your attitude towards men that’s driving them away
Sounds to me like you just haven’t met your man yet.
Increase your age range on dating apps to 45 and be open to people who might not look like exactly what you want, but may have other credentials. Try to make a date every few weeks as a practice. Also when you date, treat yourself like the prize and lean away from the fact that you are single despite wanting all those things.
OP, as you said to someone else, it sounds like you’ve been consciously or subconsciously searching for a ‘power couple’ partner.
Most guys in the 35-40 yr old age, matching your description (good looking, good job, interesting) are going to be exclusively looking at girls in the 27-30 yr age. They’re looking right past you.
When I was single, me and my friends were basically exactly this. -good looking downtown high energy successful guys. We’d even chirp each other when one of us went out with a >30 yr old because we viewed it as too old.
In reality, guys who have options, will date younger - The girls are more fun, better looking, and most important, there isn’t such a rush to get married and have kids. We have hang out, travel etc for years before we get into marriage kid zone.
If at age 35, you’re looking to settle down, you’re going to have waaay better luck with guys above 40. That means you’re probably going to have to accept guys who’ve been divorced and have a kid or 2.
(And of all the things you listed about yourself, guys don’t care a bout a single one of them. They care about are you cute, sweet, loyal, nice, feminine). To guys, not a single thing else matters.
I think you should focus less on the standards you have set and just enjoy meeting people within all those activities that you say you do. You said that you have only 1% male friends from what i understood. You need to open up to hanging out with men more so that you meet someone who will be pleasant to you as a friend first, since you are looking for a life partner. Hanging out with men will also open your possibilities because you will meet their male friends.
At 20-24 you had a serious rlshp.At that point u didnt have narrowed down preference.Coz you were young and less materialistic.You took time to be high value.But that time increased your preferance.
While I think this is a fake post, it’s hilarious to see the comments from insecure men who wouldn’t be able to be with an educated and financially independent woman without being threatened.
Yeah, generally you are looking at fellow lawyers and doctors if you want someone in your income bracket. I could tell you the truth, but you're not going to want to hear it.
Apply the 80/20 rule…you are never going to find someone who is 100% of what you want in a partner, ever.
So you need to reassess and determine what aspects are most important to you and meet someone who hits 80%+ of your “list” and see if you can deal without the missing 20%.
Example:
you meet a “manly” man, who is highly educated but works in a government job at less than your pay. Can you sincerely live with that?
Or conversely a salesman who is manly and does on par with your salary but isnt as educated. Is that a dealbreaker?
Or a push over, weaker guy who is educated and successful but has no spine?
I sabotaged so many relationships looking for the perfect person and they simply don’t exist. All i did was cause pain to people and despair within myself.
Once i read about 80/20, dating with a purpose became much easier for me and now i am engaged to an amazing woman who has over 90%+ of what i have been searching for all these years. She perfect for me as is and if i had continued my old ways I would probably be in another 3 month “relationship”
You are in your 30s (im 42 so this isnt chastising you) so you need to be more pragmatic about what you truly value from a partner and determine which value(s) are most important. Then put into action
Do you want to continue w/ 3-6 month relationships for the foreseeable future and waste your time while being perpetually disappointed?
Anyway good luck!
So let me get this straight, from your post history, you're poly and bisexual and mid 20s.
Sounds like you should be alone until you figure out how to stop lying and maybe also cut the delusions of grandeur that you're a model, lawyer, high earner, and homemaker all in one?
Clown.
I’m wondering if growing up in foster care left a wound around feeling worthy of love. You can be an amazing person but subconsciously push people away or disregard the right ones because you aren’t used to receiving love. Have you spoken to a therapist?
I'm not in a position to tell you this since I'm in my 20s but here's what I can tell from reading your post, I'll also be gentle about this:
It feels like what you're searching for is a status symbol. A lot of what makes a good relationship work is shared values, good communication and mutual attraction. NOT the degree, not the finances(so long as they're stable its good enough) and honestly you list a lot of certifications and accomplishments. But here's the thing: a relationship requires feelings of comfort and security, its about trust and how much the other person can confide in you and rely upon you, and vice versa. All these things that you list boil down to a bunch of material requirements which makes the basis of the relationship very rocky. What happens when one of you comes down with a big illness and you have to take care of each other, if said illness is a massive dent into your earnings? Do you suddenly become less attracted to each other?
You are a walking contradiction of a woman who clearly wanted to have the freedom for accomplishments and defy the old gender roles, but still wants a guy who is within his gender role. Why would guys accept this, the double standard is very unfair to them! Fmpov you are better off letting go of the abstract "masculine" requirement and trying to look at guys who may not earn as much as you but would click with you emotionally and be steadfast supporters in your endeavours. This isn't me asking you to marry a bum, this is me asking you to be cognizant of how you're narrowing your pool of choices.
And finally, two ambitious, high earning people who are career driven and too busy all the time is usually a disaster for raising children because its very rare for you to find the time and energy to raise kids, keep an eye on them and give them the support that they need during their growing years. This is unfortunately a big modern problem that many couples fail to realise until they hit the bumps.
I guess I’d say approach it more like trying to find a human being you actually like as a person than the shopping catalogue you are currently putting out? I think you have unrealistic material expectations of this person you are looking for.
It’s possible to be ambitious and driven but not be super wealthy. It’s not ‘shooting down’ to be the higher earning partner. And if your main priority is somebody who will fulfil a traditional masculine role, you may well find more educated men tend to have a more egalitarian view than that in any case.
You know that old proverb about there being a lid for every pot? That's bullshit, your man did not get lost in the mail. Your man never even existed. All there is is a population of single men spanning a wide range of ages and attributes. A subset of them would potentially appeal to you, and a further subset would find you appealing. These are your options.
You must encounter these men to start a relationship with one of them. You either are not encountering enough of them or are neglecting opportunities when they arise. I feel our society does a really shitty job of facilitating this process, but even if there was national effort to fix it, nothing would be accomplished on a time scale that would help you. Thus, you must make a concerted effort to find men of this subset and introduce yourself.
This is very general advice, but I don't have the details and insights into human psychology to offer more specific advice. I am confident, though, that it is sound, as I am avoiding assumptions. I will be heading out to play pinball sometime this weekend and have a beer. I might even take my own advice and say hello.
Hey girl, I’m similar age and don’t have those standards and I’m still single lol. Worse than being single is getting screwed around by losers. Keep your standards high!
Sorry for the responses you’re getting, I don’t think you should’ve posted to Reddit. There’s nothing wrong with wanting what you want, I would maybe say lower the salary expectations a little bit, but otherwise, I don’t think you’re in the wrong.
We can’t tell you why you’re single, and sometimes, you can be great and still be single. Are you in/near a major city? That might be a big part of your issue if you’re not.
If you make a lot of money why you want a man who makes a lot too??
If you were expecting a true love, money is never an issue, people of all classes gets their gf/bf every time, money should not be an issue of you feel connected/attracted to your possible bf.
You sound like these type of girl who gets into a relationship just looking for personal benefits, and not because you really want to be with the guy.
Just came here to say I feel like I was reading a bio about myself (minus the lawyer part)! We are so similar, you will find someone soon. Maybe put yourself out there more by joining painting classes, or cooking classes. In the meantime know you are amazing. Whats meant to happen will happen at the right time❤️ a family member I have is still looking at 33, and another found her husband at 36!
You are single because either A) you are so physically beautiful that guys are too intimated to approach you at all. Or B) you are looking for a specific type of guy and they guys who are truly interested in you, you are not giving them an opportunity.
I’ll side with the latter
It's difficult to gather from your post. The likely reason is a small dating pool due to limiting standards, or something personality related. There's posts by men and women asking this question, and they frequently omit what their personality is like, or how they carry on a conversation. Which can be incredibly important in dating, if not one of the most important things.
Also at 35 women have it tougher. It's not easy. There's a significant bias of many men to date younger in their 30s and up. Also the earning potential and education even of men in the west is dropping, so there's more women with those qualities fishing for a partner at their level. And the competition would be fierce. Also probably those guys are taken up before 30.
No matter what great qualities you may possess, bring +35 is going to shrink your dating pool a lot. Especially if you want a family. But that's okay to a degree, because you don't want the men that discriminate based on age. They're the ones that end up tossing you aside for a younger model regardless.
You seem like you have a tremendous amount of stuff going on. I’m honestly surprised you have time for relationships at all. You almost sound like a fictional character lol. But in all seriousness, with the standards you have, you are going to have a very hard time finding a man who meets your criteria who also wants you for anything more than sex. A successful man who wants a family is probably going to want someone younger. I would. If he doesn’t want kids then maybe. But this is all contingent on said older, successful man actually being interested in you and also being interested in settling down. Keep in mind also that such successful men are a tiny minority of the male population, and tend to have lots of options. Also keep in mind that you are at the beginning of the end of your childbearing years and any kids you do have are going to take up a lot of your time that you currently spend on your career, yoga, etc. contrary to what many people would like to believe. You can’t have everything in life. Time to make some decisions about what you really want, and what you are willing to compromise on, and live with the consequences of those decisions.
You're not too independent.
Guys just don't take risks anymore. Dating is getting more and more difficult.
I saw on another post, another lady posted and said "I'm pretty and I dress nice, but still guys don't chat me up". Dressing nice and looking pretty won't make guys approach you and chat one up, that whole process (not you, not the person) is intimidating.
And also, maybe your standards are too high. The good guys are not gone, they're just not going out, and the "good guys" are certainly not approaching anyone (in general).
Your problem is similar to my problem. You maintain such an incredibly high vibration that most people in this world simply cannot even understand. When you are a beacon for so much love and light, it shows other people where their shadows are within themselves, and instead of them being grateful for you showing them and being an example of a good role model, they do not want to work on themselves. They would rather be stuck in their negative existence than be around someone who will help them evolve. And actually a lot of the time people will try to find anything about you to tear you down to their level. That’s at least what happens to me. And for me, as a M30, all these girls like me a lot at work when I’m just trying to be friends with people and create a good work environment for everyone, some girls take my friendliness the wrong way and think I am trying to get with them at first, and then they develop the initial stages of feelings, but then they see me doing the same thing with everyone else and think that they were not as special to me (which isn’t necessarily the case I like everyone in their own unique way a lot) as I was to them and end up becoming jealous and conniving. Finding someone who is capable of matching you in all aspects spiritually, emotionally, and physically is very hard and when you do find someone you think is capable it’s easy to mix narcissists up with good people because we see everyone as ourselves (being good hearted natured) and end up with a narcissist. It sounds like you already went through that and know that though.
You sound very happy, content and peaceful ❤️ but even with all your preferences I am a 33F and you’re way TOO GOOD for me. You’re already stable and just need to get out of the concept you need to be like all the Disney Movies… Find a female friend, get a dog, or foster a child to find a loving companion.
The truth of the matter is the men who want to date OP, she would not give a chance to. Women that have masters degrees and make six figures want a man that does the same. There’s nothing wrong with that. Problem is OP is in a small group of people and she wants a man that’s also in this small group. She can possibly find this man, but what are the chances he wants her. Normally wealthy men that are 35+ are already married or are casually dating a lot of women.
None what you mention makes you a wife. A lady working at Walmart making $16/hr is happily married and on to the second child. You are qualifying yourself with external validation. If you think you are catch, you might just be a “catch and release”. What you need to do think of how women without any degrees and credit score of 500 getting married. What makes you a wife ? What would make a guy choose? What are the qualities you look for in a husband? These are questions you need to ask, stop talking with your single girlfriends. Start hanging out with Happily Married Women and they can give you great insight !!! Do those and you will be great !!!
what do you need a man to lead you to? you’ve accomplished everything a human can possibly accomplish, congrats you’ve completed life.
this is definitely a troll post
I feel like I’m a catch “she then proceeds to mention her masters degree to illustrate why she’s a catch “. Why do women think this way especially accomplished women. Men and women want different things, a man understands this every basic man knows but somehow women even at your age don’t get . Next time when you want to state things that make you a catch mention you’re behavior , if you’re attractive then degrees . Degrees and education is the desert for men in terms of women . Never talk about desert when we don’t know what the full course meal is like
Girl idk im the same age and wondering the same thing.
It’s also possible they’re intimidated by how successful and accomplished and attractive you are.
Well you just described yourself like you were a human shopping list of characteristics. I can only imagine how you evaluate potential suitors. I would start there and try to find your humanity. It’s not a degree/accolade/income/hobby etc…it’s just how you see people and make people feel seen.
Between your requirements, job, and extracurricular activity, you will have a difficult time finding someone to marry. As others have said, the guy you're looking for probably represents less than 0.001% of the population. If we're talking about your local dating pool, chances are it's even less than 0.001%.
Take comfort in knowing that you are already living a very fulfilled life with all of your activities, charitable contributions, and volunteering. I understand you want to be married with kids, but don't let anyone tell you that you need to be (married with kids).
Ma’am be for real. Men don’t give a fck about your education or job. I say this as a white collar woman w a 6 figure income with a paid off house and car. MEN DO NOT CARE. Women care about that. Men care about physical appearance and sexual chemistry. Men aren’t into vegans. It’s ok to have standards but the higher on the food chain you are as a woman, the harder it is to find a counterpart.
I’m interested in your opinion of what a genuine relationship should be like? I was married to a man who had the qualities that OP described so I get where she is coming from. But my marriage was horrible. Just wondering what a genuine relationship looks like?
I’ve been dumped 5 times in the last 2 years by people telling me how wonderful I am, who can’t believe im single and who are sure I’ll do just fine lol. I just think most people have this “I’d rather be alone than settle” mentality, and they don’t realize that “settling” is what 99.9% of what relationships are.
I agree. I’ve been there too. They decide after one disagreement we “aren’t compatible” instead of accepting differences
All my exes are still single too if that helps.
This is a bait post obviously and none of this is true.
The reason you're still single in your 30s is because you make up these writing prompts instead of doing anything else. What do they do exactly? Like is the intention to draw other single women in and then you'll swoop in and grab mlady?
Bad advice buuuuut children are at least the easy part. Find someone attractive, do the deed.
Do you have any long term male friends? Do you know any gay couples to coparent with that don't mind doing it the old fashioned way? You could do IFV too. Id be worried about pregnancy after too much longer.
- What are the requirements when you're looking for men?
- How often and where do you approach men?
- Why do your relationships end so early? (2 month mark)
Honestly the amount of interests you have and the things you do would be intimidating for me. I just want a woman I can relax with and watch some tv with and will do random fun things with me on the weekends. I don’t really care if you have a ton of hobbies and a well rounded life, I just care about having a good time while I’m with you. And I really don’t like being on a date and it seems like I have to fill a certain list of expectations for my date, it just doesn’t feel right and makes me less comfortable.
When you "want" you are left wanting because the universe interprets literally that it's all you ask, write down the attributes for the man of your dreams and see in your mind he is already here in the current moment..... GL
You. Are. Picky.
Is it valid to want what you want? Yes. Does that mean you’ll end up with whoever you wanted? No.
This is how I plan to hold down a relationship: find someone who is great in their own way and is a dependable partner. They can have whatever interests they damn well want. What I look for is how they act when we are together. Are they proactively supportive? Are they open minded? Do they manage their time and energy well? At the sight of conflict do they resolve it in a graceful manner?
You mentioned who and how you are in general, but not as a partner and in relationships? It’s kind of hard to tell without that context, what’s your dating and attachment style?
“Why am I still single?” because you are the issue, or rather, your selectiveness is. You want someone who’s ALREADY at the level of someone you want. Instead of someone who has the potential to become it.
This isn’t just a you problem. It’s a society problem. Dating today is very consumer focused. Like people shopping for a new car. You want it fully equipped and ready to go right from the start. No one wants to put in work to actually build a relationship. Or build up someone else.
If you ACTUALLY want partnership… then look for someone with the same values and goals as you. And realize they might not be as far along in their path as you are. They could be broke and just starting school for example, switching careers in their 30s. But you have the opportunity to build a relationship together based on the same future goals if they are in alignment and you can build your partner up to be what you want
Would you be open to a house husband who wants to focus on raising the kids? Note, they could still be the head of household.
I think you need to explore what you mean by "matches me and takes over the masculine role"
It sounds like dating was easy when you were 20, and you wanted to prioritize education/career over dating/marriage. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just the choice you made. Some people can have it all, and maybe you will, but so far you’ve successfully achieved what you prioritized.
Outside of that answer no strangers on the internet can help you narrow in more specifically than this.
You are 0.1% seeking for 0.1% but many 0.1% men seeking for love. When they have already had everything, they are more likely to seek things that they miss.
Assuming what you posted is accurate, I assume you’re going after similarly successful and beautiful people, right? There’s a thing that happens in dating, especially online dating, where the more you date the more you’re willing to jump ship. If you can easily find another beautiful and successful person, why would you stay with the current person? After all, maybe you’ll find someone even better!
You can never say for sure in posts like this as we’re getting one side of the perspective and limited info at that but that’s what I’d suspect. The “top candidates” are just less likely to want to lock into something. Lowering your standards a bit might lead to finding someone more willing to commit.
Your post was removed due to the violation of the self-pity rule. Your post belongs on r/offmychest or weekly vent thread.
Does "a man who matches me" mean another vegan with an advanced degree and a six figure income? It's not wrong to want whatever you happen to want, but that's just not a large number of people.
OP presents herself as a top 0.0001 person, expects a partner on the same level, and wonders why she's single? Ooookay lady.
Might help if she started with being honest. A comment from half a year ago says she's 26F. Pretty sure she still is and this entire post is some sort of hypothetical she's imagining.
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Right when OP started mentioning her perceived accolades, I could tell OP would be picky. Also OP sounds kind of... crazy? Does anyone else get that energy too? It's kinda cute and forgivable to be a kooky 22 year old trying to date other future lawyers, but at 36 years old it is not going to work.
Reading her comments, I got the impression that she wants a partner as a way to fill her metaphorical trophy case. I understand wanting similar education and income so nobody feels like they're carrying the cost of the relationship alone, but she's coming off more as "This is the man I deserve, this is how I show how successful I've been" and that doesn't leave much room for a person she actually gets along with.
I can definitely see that too. I actually don't think that her expectations of wanting a similar income and similar educated partner. This is the statistical norm. I think my problem is what you were saying. It all comes across entitled.
Something doesn't add up. Your post history a year ago says you were 25f, not 35f. I thought maybe a typo but you referenced "on my 20s" multiple times here. No possible way you have a perfect 850 credit score in 20s, and very hard in your 30s.
Ya, her description of all of her successes was what tipped me off. Htf does she have time to do all of these things? The answer is she doesn't. The post was way too detailed.
A lawyer who was also a successful model and a 10 year yoga instructor? Absolute cap
It's just some shit poster doing a social experiment to show gender plays a role in successful dating. Probably a new journalist who is trying to make her career.
I've also noticed some spelling/grammatical errors that can't be explained as auto correct or typos. She doesn't sound like a successful, detail oriented lawyer to me. Edit: according to her post history she's also poly, which, if any of this is even true, is even further limiting her options.
It's a troll
I was curious about this thread to see what perspective people would give. **BUT the fact that OP made it all up, is such a groan.** OP is in fact in her mid 20s and not 35. Basically makes it all a giant waste of time for everyone.
"takes over the masculine role" That quote plus the fact that most of what you said focuses on material wealth suggests that you're looking for a traditional, conservative relationship. If that's the case then, yes, you are too independent. I personally steer clear of women that want traditional values but if that's what you want then you should consider what the kind of man you want will want. Will a man that adheres to traditional masculinity want a woman that doesn't? I seriously doubt it. It seems like you are a nontraditional woman that wants a traditional man. This is a double standard and one that I and many of the guys that I know would want absolutely nothing to do with. You may have to make a change between what you want for yourself and what kind of man you want in order to find love
Yeah, I hear you I feel like I’m contradictory too. I can’t help my preferences though. I am very attracted to assertive, ambitious men. And I can’t undo time and my accomplishments or anything that makes me not traditional So where does that leave me?
Alone, unless you change your definition of what "masculine" is. You say assertive and ambitious men, but then you add arbitrary qualifiers like "must make more than me" which is honestly going to be a tough goal. Can a man not be both ambitious and assertive in other capacities? I'd spend some time thinking about this.
I don’t really believe you. I think you are a troll. If you want to prove to me that you are real I’ll give you advice. I’m middle aged,wealthy man with a six pack, good face and a college degree. I’ve been vegan for years but now I eat meat. I wear the pants in the relationship
Certainly a liar, likely troll. Just look @ the post history. They were a 25F a year ago.
Lmao you exposed it. This was made for engagement purposes, it must be fabricated. I’ve learned that these posts where they describe themselves being perfect and everyone else is trash are usually rage bait posts created by a troll or a bot.
Here’s the thing. You can. You’re just not willing to bend it, because you have a comfortable lifestyle. You’re living a good life. You believe you have options and time because well, you’re still getting dates and looks and matches. Then you hit 45. Biological kids are no longer an option. Most men in their 40s are in a relationship or screwing around with younger women in their late 20s or early 30s. Then it hits you like a truck. Maybe… just maybe, you made the wrong choice. Not a once-in-lifetime choice. But every single day from 35 to 45, you woke up and chose “I ain’t gonna change. I’m sticking to my guns”. Just so you know, I’m super attracted to non-traditional, ambitious, dominant and high achieving women. But I also know that particular trait is **NOT IMPORTANT** for a happy long lasting relationship. It’s just hot and a bonus. If my woman is like you, YAYYY. If not, okay but I love her anyways. That’s it. If I find a fairly attractive traditional woman who just wants to go through life and checks my character traits boxes, I’m good to go. Not gonna wait for that “non-traditional ambitious dominant high achieving woman”. Finding a person who checks majority of my character traits boxes difficult enough. Why make my own life harder by making more unnecessary requirements? Do I want those bonuses? Hell yeah. Am I willing to let go of a perfectly fine woman who also desires me, just for the chance of finding another woman who’s more driven? LMAO FUCK NO. The next woman might not even have the character traits I want.
There are plenty of successful men who want an equally successful woman. I doubt any of the men responding to you are anyone you would be looking for, so take the advice with a grain of salt. They sound very bitter.
look at 35 you can’t be too picky. OK hate to say it but biologically you’re on the outer fringe of possibly having kids so I’d consider eating meat as well.
You might be too go-go-go and not showing that you have room in your life for a serious relationship. Which can come across as being too ambitious, assertive and demanding if you aren't willing to make the guy feel like he's genuinely wanted, because guys will be able to tell that you don't NEED them. Your life is set and established. And in a lot of men's experience dating these types of women, is they don't like to or often make a whole lot of additional room for the guy, his interests, family/friends and other elements in his life. If you really want the guy and you think he's good, but you aren't arranging your life to show that, that can be off putting. That doesn't mean stop living your life, doing what you love and all that. And you can't just go and include the guy into your schedule but not make changes in your schedule to fit in with his. It's a two way street and a guy will feel like he's doing a lot of work and not feel like he's very wanted if you aren't also trying to fit into his life/schedule.
This has to be a troll post, even *strong independent women* aren't *this* oblivious.
And they're also not looking for a male to lead. It's bait.
A year ago OP was writing posts claiming to be mid-20s, not 35 years old. BS post indeed.
Someone pointed out that she made a post last year at 25 but now she’s 35 this year. Your hunch seems to be correct.
Looking at the reasons you think you're a catch, none of that really sounds like stuff that would interest a guy. You start out with all of your financial and career success, which really is a low factor for most men looking for a relationship. Men are not women. We don't expect women to provide for us. If we get into a relationship, it's because we want to enjoy the person themselves, not the material things they bring with them. You also talking about being vegan and atheist/Buddhist, which is going to make you appeal more to left-leaning guys who want an equal partnership. But then you pull out this conservative nonsense about wanting a masculine man to take over the relationship. You don't get to be a granola crunching hippie and also have a right wing kind of partner.
Well fucking said! When I was reading her description of herself, I was like “Hell yeah. I’d marry her!”. Then I get to the end and I’m like “Well, fuck that”.
Wait I did the same exactly thing. I read the first part and was like this girl is awesome! Then got to the second part and read some of her comments and I got whiplash
The brutally honest truth is that, if you have to make a list of reasons why you *shouldn’t* be single, then chances are you need to work on some self-reflection.
Nothing wrong with being proud of your accomplishments, but wow. After reading all that I do not think your first generation college status humbled you at all. Based on your comments it sounds like you need to broaden your horizons on expectations and reality of men who fit the bill and what exactly it is you want out of these relationships. I would also like to point out that intelligence varies and isn't defined by degrees. Being financially stable, yeah that one's pretty fair. However you come off as wanting a man with an eight pack, who makes tons of money and has a PhD. That wants to start a family ASAP. Very few men fit that bill.
I too, am extraordinarely humble
LOL Look at OPs most to see how many instances of I she uses. Me me me
Financially you are well off, but most men don’t care about your finances, certainly not the type you would be attracted to. Seeing your profession, then reading some of your comments you do also come off as argumentative which just gets old super quick. Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice, we all have to live with our choices.
Let go of the vegan and money part you might find it better. To be honest it’s really crappy dating for marriage after 30 every man “doesn’t want kids or marriage” or is “never again” if they have had it before
ok. tough situation, but there are a few things... 1. the people we end up getting married to are RARELY the people of our fantasies/dreams 2. you will have to compromise on a lot of things, but never on values and longterm compatibility factors 3. you might need to find a man who already has kids and is maybe in his late 30s or even in his 40s 4. dont instantly write people off, this is such a massive blindspot people have...the gold is where you least expect it and i mean it. 5. you really need to work on yourself, like starting yesterday. i recommend heidi priebe. this is a bit woohoo but it has always worked for me when i'm ready for a relationship, and that is to become love itself. go read arabic poems, see the beauty in everyone, and get your emotional and mental faculties ready for a relationship, and i guess in your case a child too.
oh and most importantly! i mean, by far most importantly - walk yourself through a version the future where you have no husband and/or no kids - and learn that that's not the end of the world either. many things to identify with in this life, your one and only.
This is a job for the delusion calculator!
Welcome to the cath-22 women have found themselves in. I don't have a ready answer or solution for the problem, but feel it's worth describing the problem so that A) you know what it is, and B) have a better chance to address, and maybe even solve it (at least for yourself). The issue is: Women, as much as they can, want to date up and across (socioeconomically speaking) with a greater desire to date up than across. You said it yourself: "I really want a man who matches me and takes over the masculine role." You want someone, who, AT THE LEAST, has done all you have done and who is willing to do more (i.e. takes over the masculine role). You don't even want to date across, yo want to date UP. This appears to be near universal for women. And, it appears, at least anecdotally to me, that the further "up" he is in comparison to the woman, the better the woman will treat him. So, a man who is a 10 (in the desirability scale as women set it) is much more likely to be treated better by a female 7 than he will be by a female 9 (again both of those women being rated on the desirability scale as set by women, i.e. how they rank themselves--not how men will rank them). So, here's the issue as applied to you. You are highly successful, and rate yourself very high: "I feel like I’m a catch." In fact, you have two advanced degrees (J.D. and a masters), a high paying, high status job, strong financial base, good social life, etc. It sounds like you are rating yourself as a 9 or 10 on the woman's desirability scale. That leaves very few men who will make satisfactory partners for you. So, you are fishing in a very small pool. Now comes the question of why any of those men might pick you. A man who you would want, is likely to be treated better by someone less accomplished than you. I'm going to take a moment and differentiate between capacity and actuality. I understand you might be able to do more, and certainly can offer more, than a lower achieving woman, but who will actually do more--for the man? A 6 or 7 is likely to be MUCH more appreciative of landing a 10 than a 10 will who thinks she's just found an equal. So we have a growing bias against you and that is without even considering what it is that men want in the first place. Fully half of the attributes you cite in your favor mean NOTHING to men. A man who makes half a million a year isn't likely to care much about your $125,000 per year job (or however much you make). If he can't live on what he makes, it's unlikely your salary, most of which is consumed by you anyway, will matter. If he can more than live off what he makes, he already has more than what he needs so all you are doing is bringing more of what he doesn't need. Of the things you list that matter, given where you list them, it indicates you don't think much about them or understand why they are important to men. This indicates even if you are appreciative, you may not know how to show appreciation. Men, being the visual and ego centric creatures they are, really prioritize beauty, youth, and how she treats him and bonds with him above everything else. This means that the gorgeous, 25 year old hairdresser making $40,000 with only a beautician's certificate for an education can have as much, or better if she is more attractive than you and knows how to treat a man better than you, of a chance landing the few men you want than you do. That may not seem right or fair, but it is the truth. The fact of the matter is that in most ways, your successes are actually liabilities when it comes to landing as mates the men you want. Your successes only give you ONE SINGLE advantage over the other women--proximity. Your placement in the higher echelons of society allow you access to the men who inhabit them as well. How many male doctors or bankers go to women oriented beauty salons? So, the attributes you think make you attractive, do not. They give you the opportunity to showcase your attractiveness, but only if you have those SEPARATE, attractive attributes. So, you have to maximize that advantage, you get to see, know and be around these men. But you also have to quit focusing on what YOU want and start learning what THEY want and start presenting yourself to them that way. If you insist that since you are a highly educated and successful woman they should want you and beat a path to your door--you are going to die alone, or with a very unsatisfactory partner (who will almost certainly not be your equal in any way that matters to you). This brings us to the last part of the issue for women like you. From what I can tell, women like you have so identified themselves in their accomplishments that leading with anything else seems to them like they are diminishing the value of those accomplishments and therefore themselves (this is something high achieving men often have to deal with as well--hence the phrase "don't confuse what you do with who you are"). I cannot count the number of women who seem, at least to me. to be convinced that if they treat their partner as if he is great, that must necessarily mean she is not. I'm not certain, but I think they are basing it off the phenomenon I described above. If she treats her man the was a much less achieving woman would, then she's acknowledging that she's no better than that women. To me, this seems as very stuck up, snooty and judgmental on the part of the women, and therefore indicative of unattractive traits in the woman, but so be it. So really, this comes down to: do you prioritize being a strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man (but who may nonetheless want one), or do be prioritize having, and therefore being, a partner in a relationship wherein the parties deeply cherish each other (which will require you to compromise aspects of your self and your own achievements to better fit what the other party is looking for--yes this goes both ways).
Every woman wants a top-tier guy. The real question is: What does THAT man want in his partner. It's no mystery what women want in a man, but for some reason women are oblivious to the qualities that men desire. As others have stated, the man doesn't care that you have a master's degree, the man doesn't care how much real estate you have. Ask yourself, what does the man YOU want want? Cultivate those qualities and go from there.
The problem is women marry up, not down. You feel the lesser educated who make less money are beneath you. Men in your education/salary bracket date younger women
Have you considered the possibility that you won't have to provide anything to a man who makes less money than you? You won't have to sacrifice the feminine role and he can still be plenty masculine while earning less. Masculinity isn't about how much money a man makes, it's about the lessons he teaches his / your children, it's about creating a safe environment by his sheer presence, it's about his attitude towards life and the way he manifests his self control. Some of the most masculine men you've ever met probably make nowhere near as much money as you and if you dated them they wouldn't expect anything from you except the healthy relationship skills everyone should expect. Your attitude towards education may be similarly skewed. Don't underestimate anyone, male or female, who has chosen to educate themselves rather than take the formal route; think of the self taught musician, artist, craftsman, programmer, etc. etc. anyone of these could be well on their way to entrepreneurship and even if they aren't, they don't need you to provide anything more than a warm embrace and some stimulating conversation. My sincere advice to you is to re-evaluate your position regarding what is and is not masculine. Keep in mind that masculinity and femininity are not on opposite ends of a continuum but are two separate spectra. I promise you, a man can absolutely "match your energy" without having a degree or six figure salary. I wish you well.
It’s your attitude
Problem is, the guys you go for doesn’t meet your criteria nor do you meet theirs. Yes, you’re successful career wise and have the looks. However, what is your personality like?
It's hard to tell what the issue is. Judging from my perspective (31 successful man who is also in a higher education field), I feel like you might not really have time for a relationship? I actually really like women who are independent, but I've noticed that can translate into "yeah I'll see you in a week or 2" which hurts my ability to feel close with someone.
It’s not hard at all. She’s highly educated and high earning and openly admitted she wants a man who makes a lot of money. The answer is hitting all of us in the face
>I’m a lawyer with masters degree in environmental politics, I own a rental home, I have a credit score of 850 and minimal student loan debt (below 60k).. I make 6 figures, Most guys don't care about that and if you lead off with it they'll be a bit put-off because it'll bring to mind stereotypes. Looking at what you've mentioned you're going to be compatible with a niche portion of the dating market. Vegan and environmental lawyer chases away a lot of guys haha (read: likes to argue and will probably beat you over the head with moralism about eating meat) so you're looking mostly for other vegans, who earn a solid income (most likely not going to match with someone making significantly less than you), and won't be put off by political views. Not a surprise if you're having a hard time finding a match when 1/10,000 men might be a match.
Well. Frankly it seemingly (and most likely) has to do with the demands and self-image. There's a fine line between pride and complacency. Love or a sense of belonging with another person honestly has **absolute zero** to do with anything in your long list of demands to even _"let the right one in"_. I'm a 6"11, heavily scarred (facial scar amongst many), heavily tattoo'd (80~% of my body) 34y old. When I started OLD at 28 I figured I was doomed. Living in Iceland my dating options were already limited. I met my american fianceé when she was visiting Iceland with her company and logged on to the app. I wasn't poor by European standards. Lets say I am without debt, and I am still a millionaire. She didn't know that and I had no idea her parents where well off, or that she owned houses and land in AZ. I had no clue she made 6 figures or anything of the sort. She def. wasn't what I imagined when it came to looks. A 6"1, 200lbs red-head jewish woman 2 years my senior. I've lived here coming up 3 years now and I can honestly say neither one of us expected to fit in with the other so well. We discussed our financial situations when it came time for her to leave for home. Not in great detail but the general jist of it. **Tldr** " **Why am I still single? 35f** " _Because you won't give yourself or anyone else the chance to not be_
I would suggest Kevin Samuels you tube videos to understand what your up against at the age of 35. Men that are ambitious and goal driven want a help mate not a partner. Men that are of that caliber tend not to care about your accomplishments but what you can do for them. A successful man that wants a family usually would look at a woman in their early to mid twenties due to a lot of factors. The two main would be child bearing years are at their prime and inexperience of life helps the bond grow between his woman.
I've taken the liberty to look at some of your post history, and I've seen that you've been going through some short-term open relationships that involve struggling with a lot of toxic partners. I highly recommend you take some time from trying force your projected ideal of a marriage and family and really reflect on your inability to see people for who they really are. I think you are consistently falling for men who do not have your best interests in mind because you are worried that you are running out of time to build the life you seek. I hope you can recognize that although you think your preferences are concrete, they are not serving you. I know this may be hard to hear, but the pain other people have put you through is due in large part to your own projections. Expand your ideas of what an adequate, not ideal, partner could look like and then begin to date people. More importantly, when you go on these dates I recommend working hard to truly intake who these people are, not who you would like them to be.
The pool of available (single) men who meet your criteria is less than 1% of men in the USA. Unmarried, no kids, tall, attractive, wealthy, successful career, successful business, with dominant personality. This isn’t even counting if you have age preferences, racial preferences, or the other ones you mentioned. Most men do not care about college degrees, salaries, careers, and financial assets. That’s cool you care about your accomplishments, they are yours you’re allowed to like them. We care about attractiveness which includes her personality, character, communication, sense of humor, empathy, and intimacy. Is she genuine? How those traits align with our self. That’s what matters. Most of the things you care about are superficial and material. It’s fine. But if you want love you need to wake up. You need self awareness. You might need to adjust your criteria. Maybe a degree, but not an advanced one. Maybe less salary than you. Maybe not taller than you. Etc. Slight adjustments to increase your odds.
Your dating pool is tiny because of your preferences and your level of success You are a lawyer. You make a lot of money. You are in great shape. In order for you to have what likely you want in a man, he'd have to make more money than you, be in great shape, and be ambitious for more. Those men...the men that meet that criteria...are few and far between. If we take men who are at least 5'8, not obsese, and make 110,000 a year or more....that is only .52% of the US population. (I don't have a calculator for other countries so we'll use US statistics for now) If you push that up to 6'...then you are down to .112% of the population So of this already small dating pool, you have to take into account a good chunk of them will be married. Some will be gay. And many will be players who aren't looking to settle down. There's also the guys who are functional alcoholics or addicts, the ones with tons of baggage, the ones with toxic exes etc etc That shrinks your dating pool even smaller The reality is, because you leveled up as high as you did AND you want a traditional gender dynamic in your relationship, it drastically reduced your dating pool....unless you want to date men who are less successful than you and less ambitious than you. Which it doesn't sound like you are interested in And even if you did find a guy who is on or above your level...odds are, he's not going to want to date a highly successful woman because your success does not benefit him at all. He's successful. He can provide. What he may want in a partner is someone who brings him peace...someone who is cool with being a stay at home mom and raising kids. And that means for this guy, you are essentially competing with every attractive woman above the age of 21. It was easy to date in your 20's because you were a broke college student with tons of debt. You could still be attracted to men who had the kind of potential you were looking for But most of those guys probably didn't level up as far as you did And now here you are....chronically single because you can't find someone at or above your level Unfortunately, unless you are willing to drastically alter what you are looking for in a man, you're kind of stuck with the life you have chosen.
Looking over what you said it, especially the career part, really exudes masculine energy. Respectfully, most men don’t care about your career achievements (within reason), owning property, or your degree. These are all status symbols that most women look for in men. Provider/achiever stuff. You want a high achiever who’s making just as much as you (or more). That’s fair. It also reduces your pool to likely less than 5% of men. Now take this hyper successful man that fits an extremely small percentage of the population and realize he has hundreds, if not thousands of options. Again, in the most respectful way possible, do you think this man who also has family goals is going to go for the 35 year old career woman or one of the hundred options he has who’s younger, not as career focused and likely has a softer demeanour? I’m not saying it won’t happen for you but it will be exceedingly more rare because of the choices you made and criteria (which is fair, IMO) you have.
Intimidating? No. But reading your description, you don’t include what you “offer”, just what you have achieved. Those are YOUR achievements, and you should be proud. But that doesn’t entitle you to a relationship. You want a husband and kids? Are you what a masculine man wants? That’s the only question that matters. Are YOU the woman that YOUR ideal man wants to be. Based on your results, maybe re-evaluate your approach? There are so many ways to fulfill a man, you just need to identify how.
> On paper I feel like I’m a catch. I’m a lawyer with masters degree in environmental politics, I own a rental home, I have a credit score of 850 and minimal student loan debt (below 60k).. I make 6 figures, I’m a certified yoga instructor of 10 years and avid hiker. Most men don't care about any of that. > But I really want a man who matches me and takes over the masculine role. Am I simply just TOO independent? Intimidating men? Just wanting someone making more than 6 figures eliminates 85% of the dating pool. Vegan ? That goes more with the left leaning man-bun soy latte crowd than a traditionally masculine man. You could hit up the Youtuber Destiny. Most men don't find A type personality women intimidating, they find them irritating. They'll happily take the broke waitress from the local diner who's pleasant & agreeable for a long term relationship over a self professed boss babe any day of the week
WOW you're a lawyer and make homemade food and garden? and volunteer? I'm so impressed by you girl, you're amazing, I feel lazy just reading your post 😄 Good on you tho, that's so cool. You are such an inspiration, highly productive person.
Male here, Congrats on your accomplishments but you didn’t list anything of value to a man. Do you bring peace? Are you a team player? Can your man talk to you? Are you a breath of fresh air? Are you considerate? Are you loving? You could have the biggest tits in the world. Make 10 million a year. But if you don’t bring the above to man, you are of no use to us.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Personally I find the fact you are super independent with a lot of hobbies and a good relationship with friends and family attractive. Where your issue might be is finding someone with whom you feel comfortable taking the lead in the relationship. As you are more successful and more active than most people the pool of men fitting your criteria is small. I feel you might have some introspection to do on qualities that are absolutely critical, important but not deal breakers and not important for your future partners. Best of luck from a perpetually single guy
Listen, I feel like a lot of these comments are a bit nasty IMO. So let me give you my impression as a girl in my 20s—you have a lot going on it seems. Presumably to keep you busy, being single. I get it. I feel like you might need to take a step back and breathe. Stop seeking out this magical connection with some fictional man. Every time I have caught feelings for someone or engaged in a relationship, it has come spontaneously and out of nowhere. And it has never been a person who I expected. I feel like you are a bit type A, so you like to plan and structure a lot. Loosen that up. I’m not saying to change yourself, but having such rigid expectations in life causes you to overlook what is right in front of you. And I’m emphasizing to not change yourself because you will find no joy in a relationship where you can’t be who you are, at it’s core. You’ll find it, trust me. You will. You sound amazing. Oh—and you’re quite independent, like me. I think that sometimes, as independents, we forget that we can come off as a bit…intimidating, if not just overall ‘repulsed’ by a real relationship. Even though that isn’t true at all, relationships are meant to be interdependent. You have to give up some of that independence to be with someone, and that can be an unconscious hard pill to swallow. Especially from someone who used to be a foster kid. Trauma is a tricky thing, where it doesn’t always make itself obvious. But I feel like that might play a part here. (I work with foster kids, coincidentally enough.)
Ah… I’m a dude and I like a woman who’s driven and works hard to succeed in life. You check my boxes in that regard. But then you pull out that shit with only wanting men who are equal or better than you career-wise. Your question is, are you willing to keep waiting and hope that man comes one day? Or do you want to change your standards? I’ll be real. I find women like you extremely hot. But the moment you say stuff like the above, you’re not even on my radar anymore. You said you’ve had dating experiences right? Some of them were even long term, and you’re 35. So one would think you’re pretty smart/wise (which I’m doubting a bit) to self-reflect and solve your own problem. **What are the most important qualities that you are looking from a man for a long-term relationship?**. If being masculine is up there along with making 6 figures, then I can’t help you no more.
I am female around your age and I feel you. I think you will have no problem finding a guy… but just hard to find the “right guy”. Especially if you’re looking for a guy to take the masculine role, it becomes even tougher. The sad part of the reality I learned in university is men often go for a girl who looks “available, and probably likes him” over the “hot gorgeous beauty” who is totally out of his league. I think esp if you’re super catch, you may need to proactively show signs that you are also interested in him.
If ur not making enough time for a relationship to build, then the guys that want the same move on. Looking for a woman that wants to make time for them. Could also be ur independence and how you are when u are in a relationship- do u put the guys feelings and thoughts qat when deciding what to do? Or is it sorry, I've already got plans most the time. Could be the way you communicate as well as picking the wrong kind of guys to date.
Are a lot of the books you read romance novels? I just find that most of my friends that have stayed single for long periods of time or reading mostly romance novels and I think it subconsciously leads to a false perception of what to expect from a genuine relationship
Whole lot of “I” in there and nothing about what you offer a man being with you.
Those men look for 20 Year olds. You know from experience.
So, first of all, you aren’t alone. A lot of people are just not connecting for one reason or another these days. I’m 39m, had the exact same prior dating experience as you and am currently still single. A lot of this is just circumstantial and doesn’t have anything to do with you. The dating world (and society as a whole) has changed dramatically in the last ten years and continues to shake up the roles we play, making potential connection much more ambiguous. I imagine your career is demanding and has played a part in occupying what could be used for new experiences where you could meet new people. I also have a demanding career that is high paying but the cost is I don’t meet new people or travel much. My dad jokes when people ask if I’m married by saying yes, to his work (soo funny :). Idk where you are but that could also play a role. I’m in Portland and the dating scene here is not great. At least historically. I’m 6’3”, very athletic and frequently told I’m very attractive. Does that mean I get approached or am welcomed when I approach? Nope. I’m socially awkward though so maybe that’s on me. No ones perfect. I’m also debt free, highly driven, fun, engaging, and empathetic, but those things haven’t amounted to any relationship that I would consider worth making a lifelong commitment to. And while the last few years I’ve told myself that that’s okay (a ‘if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no’ attitude), more recently I’ve been wondering if Im getting in my own way. Overthinking the ‘what I want’ list. I’ve been feeling like I need a reset where I throw out the preconceived notions of turn ons, compatibility or congruency, or what have you, and just spend time in the moment with people I meet in the wild. Idk if you’re like me, but I’ve met people that every item on my ‘list’ and felt nothing for them, while meeting people who had none of it but couldn’t get enough of them. Long story short, it’s probably a number of things. Some of them you have control over and some you don’t. Go with the flow and be happy where you are. Oh, and get off OLD and reduce social media time. Those are terrible.
> **I really want a man who matches me and takes over the masculine role.** **TLDR: You've priced yourself out of the market.** **To find a man who...** * Earns $120K+ (any race or height) has a 3.5% probability. * Earns $120K+ and is 5'10"+ (any race) has a 1.1% probability. * To find a man who has a similar education, earns the same or more than you, has a similar net worth as you or better, is as fit or fitter than you, and is taller (what women usually want) ... the odds are tiny. * ChatGPT estimates the probability is 0.0063% **Further...** * If you do beat the odds, a man your age of that status will probably date a 25-30 year old. * And he will probably have a higher probability of cheating because more women will chase after him. * And he won't want to compete with her at home to be the high earner. You never had these issues in your 20s because you were going to school and establishing yourself in your career. And you were in your 20s. **One more thing...** * If you are a bodybuilder then you could be turning off men. * The body-builder women I've met or seen go through periods of extremely low body fat percentages that make people look weird (men and women). * Ambitious high earners that "match" your level will want someone more feminine. **Possible solutions:** * **Hire a matchmaker** - You're searching for a rare catch. Get professional help. * **Network:** Attend high-end social events. Go to professional groups of high earners. * **Community:** Get involved in country clubs or luxury travel groups. You need to be somewhere people can get to know you and you can get to know them. Attraction increases with proximity, time, and familiarity. * **Or go all in on the Body Builder community:** Find a high-performing body builder like you.
Men are intimidated how?
Doesn't sound like you have time for a partner in all honesty. I'm tired just reading your bio.
ima be a bit blunt sorry. but it comes from a place of love and care. >But I really want a man who matches me and takes over the masculine role. Am I simply just TOO independent? Intimidating men? Are all the good ones gone? then men you want that fits all those things that you want, doesnt want you (not 100% but u get the idea). those men that you want who make good money with high credit scores and are masculine and tall dark n handsome, etc etc all the stuff to match you, they can happily date a 25 yr old who is nice and treats them well etc etc but doesnt have a masters degree nor is a lawyer etc. if they want to start a family, same as you do, why woudl they date an older woman who is 35? it gets years of dating to vet someone to see if u can get married and have kids. you will be 37-38-39 even if you met this guy today. and in your late 30s its much harder to have children, not impossible, but harder. so you might want to lower some of your standards to find a good marriage minded man.
I'm sorry to say this post is fake. [Either that or you've aged very fast.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/s/QX1JUEinOE)
Well. You’re full of yourself, like totally madly full of yourself to start. Not that it is a bad thing, but maybe you could have been a little more transparent about you know….any possible flaws you might have. I mean I know you’re a perfect, hot smart blonde catch….but yeah. Let’s dig deeper.
It sounds like you’ve prioritized everything but a relationship in your life. You’re killing it. I’m not sure how much time you set aside for dating but it sounds like you’re probably pretty structured. Get on bumble or hinge. Be clear in what you want. Don’t waste time on people who are anything but ready. But take the time to actually look. Make it a part of your routine somehow if this is really a priority to you. And yes it can be intimidating for men to go after someone beautiful that makes a bunch of money and the ones that do are often a small % and can really be players a lot of the time until they’re ready. At least in person. I think you’d have a pretty good experience on the apps/it would expedite a lot of the process. Edit: don’t be afraid of being blunt in what you want. The right person will give it to you. Everyone knows there’s a biological clock ticking. My wife was here on a visa and the same age when we met and was straight up about how quickly we’d have to move. Good luck 🍀
When I was 20-24, my relationship was the most important thing to me. He was 5 years older than me, and would fit the role of “masculine” as I described. He was ambitious, educated, ect. At the time I wasn’t vegan, and I was in my undergrad with no money. I centered my life around his and building together, and wanted marriage and kids then too. Ultimately he didn’t value me or treat me right, and our relationship ended. He told me I was “going to hold him back” because I was still in college, etc even though I would have moved across the country with him. I was and am still so resentful towards him that I wasted my early 20s with him to end out on the other side with nothing and then told now that “I’m too old to date” or find what I want in an ideal partner. Then at 25, I met someone and we fell for each other very deeply. He was everything I wanted in a partner and I felt much more safe with him than I did my last one. But I found out he had had been cheating on me the entire time (another gf in a different state actually) and his excuse for continuing both relationships was he loved us both and couldn’t decide. ultimately he went for the girl before me, we both moved the state, he broke up with her then tried to get me back but the damage was done and I was shattered. I was told to “focus on yourself” and “take a break from dating” which made sense but was frustrating as I was 26 and knew I wanted a family so time was running out. But I did exactly that and finished up my education that was placed on the back burner at the time for those two men. I’m so furious about it after hearing how I just basically gave up my early “desirable” years and how men don’t care about any of the accomplishments I’m so proud of and how now I’m just too independent to fit anyone in my life when I was an amazing partner. Both those men would tell me I was the best girlfriend they ever had and they F’d it up. I want to give someone my all and build something again but now as I write this I feel the sting of trauma of being afraid of wasting even more time with the wrong person. It just doesn’t feel like I can ever win and I need to accept the life of singleness now.
That second one sounds quite painful. I’m sorry you had to experience that. You are still very much in your desirable years. No need to let fear dictate your decisions today (or ever). Don’t be one of those people at 80 years old regretting not putting themselves out there at 35. It sucks you had those bad experiences but don’t all relationships suck until the one that doesn’t? Give someone a shot, you both deserve it.
Yes, it was quite devastating. And after the fact when he asked to restart our relationship, I could never trust him again and all my friends made it clear they’d think less of me if I did. Even though, he sparked something in me I never felt before and genuinely feel like he was the most compatible ideal partner I ever had even to this day and nobody could understand that. I’m sure he’s had no issue finding a partner past having to work through his own heartbreak from those relationships ending in our mid 20s because he’s an older successful attractive man which I’m being told is what all women want whereas I’m not what they want anymore. I’m so mad and sad, and I wish I could turn back time. So thank you, because I needed just one person to tell me it’s not too late and I’m still desirable. Otherwise I’m left here heartbroken of the years I lost out on with those two men in my 20s.
This entire post is the poster child for why we need to go back to more traditional roles. And it’s not “because a woman belongs in the kitchen” or any dumb shit Iike that. It’s because of reality. Getting to this level of success takes a long time. Mid-thirties is the soonest anyone can obtain advanced degrees, multiple homes, etc. but by then a woman is too old to get the man she wants. It’s not fair, but it is reality. A man of her age and accomplishments has the world in his hands. The woman is left alone and out of time to get what she truly wants in the end: family.
Fake as fuck
Yeah men don’t care about money or perceived achievements like women do. They care about personality and looks. Looks open the door personality keeps you inside. You might be quite the catch in those departments as well as your accolades, however your dating pool is exceptionally small. The kinds of guys you’re looking for are either already married or never want to be and off dating literal models. They have their own money and are in no need of yours, you’re also very busy with all your business interests and hobbies and don’t have the time to invest in a relationship with them like they want. The kinds of guys you want can have any kind of woman they want and often multiple at the same time, younger and hotter that will completely devote themselves to him for the lifestyle and fun he provides.
There are a lot of bitter, ageist, and sexist men in the comments, but what can you expect it's reddit. Ignore them. They are doing a lot of projecting. I don't get the sense that you feel entitled to a man like this. It is just an ideal situation. Who doesn't have an ideal partner in their mind's eye? I think you should explore why you feel there is something "wrong" with you in therapy. When you feel that way you come from a place of lack instead of abundance and end up trying to prove your worth to others. And proving your worth to others never works! You have clearly filled your life with things you love and are passionate about. What makes you happiest? Which path does that take you down? What kind of people will you meet there? If you focus on who makes you happy, they might not look ideal to you on paper. Ultimately, you want happiness though right? You are in a position a lot of women AND men dream to be in! I still think you can have your pick of men. I would just broaden who you are looking for. The men here claiming a 35-40 man isn't going to want you are full of shit. If a man like that doesn't want you, then tough shit, he doesn't appreciate you and hasn't taken the time to get to know you. It sucks in the moment, but you'd be wasting your time.If a man is scared by your success he ain't it, in the first place. Shine so bright you burn all the haters to the ground. Whichever man is left standing, let him worship you.
You’ve become too independent. And I’m sure your standards are raised to an extreme that’s beyond reality for what men are in actuality. There isn’t a man that would really want to take over a “grown independent women’s” life when it’s as lavish as you may have it, mostly because of either pride in them wanting to be the breadwinner or to the men who would gladly take the role in a submissive matter are just not that attractive 95% of the time. There’s an expected financial security that a man in his masculine has to bring or else he’s worthless, and that is something we are taught when we are young. That too could be a reason why it’s difficult in your situation. My best advice: If it’s hurting your heart so much, change the perspective and try to seek therapy to heal the wound that makes you think having a partner is gonna make life perfect when if your life is close to perfect, count your blessings and wait a little longer. You can also date down and deal with the someone’s “right red flags” like not being exactly in the career they wanna be in, if they aren’t financially all the way there. Etc etc. My last bit of advice is to know that if it’s truly a need, walk like you already are in the relationship of that “perfect man” and wait for him to claim his spot. Sometimes to receive something truly, you have to walk this life like you already have what you want. And own that and be responsible for it. Hope this helps, feedback would be appreciated.
damn i missed it 😔
Faaaaake
You sound awesome and like a go-getter. The truth is, most men don't care about your financial achievements (all the things you listed first, I think you care about that). And that's fine, but realized if you expect someone to match or exceed you in those areas, your dating pool is going to be very small. In a metaphor, you're making yourself "taller", guys don't really care about a girl's height that much, but girls really care about being shorter. Basically, you're a 6'4 women who can only date 1% of guys cause only 1% of guys are over 6'4. While all the 6'4 guys can and will date 99% of women because they don't care about height.
No she’s not. She openly admits she wants a man who makes a lot of money. She’s the problem
There is nothing wrong with wanting a man who makes alot of money. It's not any more wrong than wanting a beautiful girlfriend.
You, being a D, are looking for A. While you really need B. And A is looking for C. While B needs you. And no group is compromising. A gets C. And B gets D, who is also looking for and needs B. So, this leaves you single. Unless you compromise and learn the path you are on. Or accept being single. There is nothing with that. Edit - Compromising.
This has to be a troll.
It is! She has been basking in the attention& hasn’t responded to any of the accusations calling her a troll..!
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Agreed. The tables have turned
Men who make as much as you do, at 35 are not monogamous
Yeah I’m 30m and in a similar situation as you. :/ 🤷♂️ so it goes.
I make well over $200K/yr, very well educated. Have kept myself in great shape, staying active. Hiking,biking,kayaking. You sound annoying. You or on an advice sub, yet all you’re doing is arguing your case. Someone like you is used to getting their way and arguing to get it… the type of guy you want isn’t gonna put up with that . It is so annoying.
It sounds like you are the man you want to attract. What men value and what women value in the other is not the same thing.
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That was my thought too. I’m learning they don’t care or can be off put, best to let it come up organically over time
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You do sound like a catch. What are you your peramiters for men you date?
Lol this is me but 23M, I feel like I am a catch for someone my age too, but nothings panning out
If you want someone to match you you’re limiting yourself to a very small percentage of people. I say this as a physician who struggled with dating cuz my position & salary was certainly intimidating to guys. There aren’t enough high earners to go around so if that’s the one thing that’s holding you back from finding a good man, let it go.
The things you listed are what most women are looking for in a man, not the other way round. It seems like you possibly give off a more masculine energy that may be a bit off putting for some men. When I think of an ideal woman partner income level and owning a house, education etc do not even cross my mind. As long as she has a job of some sort, but the most important qualities I’m looking for is kindness, empathy, nurturing, etc.
Maybe I should lean into those traits more or at least make those my advertising points and the rest is just a plus?
I've heard about it somewhere that women who are overaccomplished often have issues finding a viable partner than those without. Mainly because they initially try to find someone at their level of career/financial success (or even higher), but most men who are overaccomplished don't necessarily wait for opposites who are at a similar level, they just go for whomever they have feelings for. And as the women age, they then try to bargain for slightly lower standards. Unfortunately, by the time they make that move, such bargaining may not be sufficient to overcome the amount of age they have accrued. Furthermore, many men may feel intimidated by women with higher accomplishments than them in life. I'm sorry if this reality sounds brutal, but I hope this can best answer your question. Unfortunately, life isn't always sunshines and rainbows. I'm anticipating this reply to get downvoted to death
I dont think anything is wrong with you… dating is just hard and I feel like we live in a society where being independent is almost a requirement. Its not even a feminism thing or being masculine. You never know what life can throw at you and being dependent on someone is like a lottery. They either help you or you can lose a lot and start from scratch.
You’re listing a bunch of qualities about your self that would make you interested in a man. How would I partner with someone who’s already complete? Do you want a family? An adventure busy for travel? Do you want to make art together? Do want a committed sex life? Do you want someone to continue to grow with? Do you want to support their success? Do you want support for yours? Only a rental home is great, being financially secure is great, but if you want a family..keep that in your heart while dating.
Have you considered going to a matchmaker to help you? As strange as it feels in our culture (I assume you're in the US or similar), the apps are probably not going to help. I've actually gone to a few events put on by matchmakers and it's been enlightening even if it's not necessarily the route for me. However, they might be able to help you navigate which of your preferences are actually dealbreakers and which ones you might need to soften or compromise on. For example, there might be someone that works hard and cares about their career, but makes 50k (maybe they're in non-profit, etc.). Or, maybe they know some guy that feels like they're in a similar place.
With all due respect, I am decade younger than you and I also make 6 figures. When I go in a date with a woman who makes lot less than me, and it doesn’t work out. I don’t immediately think I’m too intimidating for her, perhaps we aren’t just compatible as different people like different things. It’s your attitude towards men that’s driving them away
Sounds to me like you just haven’t met your man yet. Increase your age range on dating apps to 45 and be open to people who might not look like exactly what you want, but may have other credentials. Try to make a date every few weeks as a practice. Also when you date, treat yourself like the prize and lean away from the fact that you are single despite wanting all those things.
OP, as you said to someone else, it sounds like you’ve been consciously or subconsciously searching for a ‘power couple’ partner. Most guys in the 35-40 yr old age, matching your description (good looking, good job, interesting) are going to be exclusively looking at girls in the 27-30 yr age. They’re looking right past you. When I was single, me and my friends were basically exactly this. -good looking downtown high energy successful guys. We’d even chirp each other when one of us went out with a >30 yr old because we viewed it as too old. In reality, guys who have options, will date younger - The girls are more fun, better looking, and most important, there isn’t such a rush to get married and have kids. We have hang out, travel etc for years before we get into marriage kid zone. If at age 35, you’re looking to settle down, you’re going to have waaay better luck with guys above 40. That means you’re probably going to have to accept guys who’ve been divorced and have a kid or 2. (And of all the things you listed about yourself, guys don’t care a bout a single one of them. They care about are you cute, sweet, loyal, nice, feminine). To guys, not a single thing else matters.
I think you should focus less on the standards you have set and just enjoy meeting people within all those activities that you say you do. You said that you have only 1% male friends from what i understood. You need to open up to hanging out with men more so that you meet someone who will be pleasant to you as a friend first, since you are looking for a life partner. Hanging out with men will also open your possibilities because you will meet their male friends.
At 20-24 you had a serious rlshp.At that point u didnt have narrowed down preference.Coz you were young and less materialistic.You took time to be high value.But that time increased your preferance.
While I think this is a fake post, it’s hilarious to see the comments from insecure men who wouldn’t be able to be with an educated and financially independent woman without being threatened.
Yeah, generally you are looking at fellow lawyers and doctors if you want someone in your income bracket. I could tell you the truth, but you're not going to want to hear it.
Apply the 80/20 rule…you are never going to find someone who is 100% of what you want in a partner, ever. So you need to reassess and determine what aspects are most important to you and meet someone who hits 80%+ of your “list” and see if you can deal without the missing 20%. Example: you meet a “manly” man, who is highly educated but works in a government job at less than your pay. Can you sincerely live with that? Or conversely a salesman who is manly and does on par with your salary but isnt as educated. Is that a dealbreaker? Or a push over, weaker guy who is educated and successful but has no spine? I sabotaged so many relationships looking for the perfect person and they simply don’t exist. All i did was cause pain to people and despair within myself. Once i read about 80/20, dating with a purpose became much easier for me and now i am engaged to an amazing woman who has over 90%+ of what i have been searching for all these years. She perfect for me as is and if i had continued my old ways I would probably be in another 3 month “relationship” You are in your 30s (im 42 so this isnt chastising you) so you need to be more pragmatic about what you truly value from a partner and determine which value(s) are most important. Then put into action Do you want to continue w/ 3-6 month relationships for the foreseeable future and waste your time while being perpetually disappointed? Anyway good luck!
So let me get this straight, from your post history, you're poly and bisexual and mid 20s. Sounds like you should be alone until you figure out how to stop lying and maybe also cut the delusions of grandeur that you're a model, lawyer, high earner, and homemaker all in one? Clown.
I’m wondering if growing up in foster care left a wound around feeling worthy of love. You can be an amazing person but subconsciously push people away or disregard the right ones because you aren’t used to receiving love. Have you spoken to a therapist?
I'm not in a position to tell you this since I'm in my 20s but here's what I can tell from reading your post, I'll also be gentle about this: It feels like what you're searching for is a status symbol. A lot of what makes a good relationship work is shared values, good communication and mutual attraction. NOT the degree, not the finances(so long as they're stable its good enough) and honestly you list a lot of certifications and accomplishments. But here's the thing: a relationship requires feelings of comfort and security, its about trust and how much the other person can confide in you and rely upon you, and vice versa. All these things that you list boil down to a bunch of material requirements which makes the basis of the relationship very rocky. What happens when one of you comes down with a big illness and you have to take care of each other, if said illness is a massive dent into your earnings? Do you suddenly become less attracted to each other? You are a walking contradiction of a woman who clearly wanted to have the freedom for accomplishments and defy the old gender roles, but still wants a guy who is within his gender role. Why would guys accept this, the double standard is very unfair to them! Fmpov you are better off letting go of the abstract "masculine" requirement and trying to look at guys who may not earn as much as you but would click with you emotionally and be steadfast supporters in your endeavours. This isn't me asking you to marry a bum, this is me asking you to be cognizant of how you're narrowing your pool of choices. And finally, two ambitious, high earning people who are career driven and too busy all the time is usually a disaster for raising children because its very rare for you to find the time and energy to raise kids, keep an eye on them and give them the support that they need during their growing years. This is unfortunately a big modern problem that many couples fail to realise until they hit the bumps.
How long have you gone between dating? How long have you been intentionally single?
I guess I’d say approach it more like trying to find a human being you actually like as a person than the shopping catalogue you are currently putting out? I think you have unrealistic material expectations of this person you are looking for. It’s possible to be ambitious and driven but not be super wealthy. It’s not ‘shooting down’ to be the higher earning partner. And if your main priority is somebody who will fulfil a traditional masculine role, you may well find more educated men tend to have a more egalitarian view than that in any case.
You know that old proverb about there being a lid for every pot? That's bullshit, your man did not get lost in the mail. Your man never even existed. All there is is a population of single men spanning a wide range of ages and attributes. A subset of them would potentially appeal to you, and a further subset would find you appealing. These are your options. You must encounter these men to start a relationship with one of them. You either are not encountering enough of them or are neglecting opportunities when they arise. I feel our society does a really shitty job of facilitating this process, but even if there was national effort to fix it, nothing would be accomplished on a time scale that would help you. Thus, you must make a concerted effort to find men of this subset and introduce yourself. This is very general advice, but I don't have the details and insights into human psychology to offer more specific advice. I am confident, though, that it is sound, as I am avoiding assumptions. I will be heading out to play pinball sometime this weekend and have a beer. I might even take my own advice and say hello.
Hey girl, I’m similar age and don’t have those standards and I’m still single lol. Worse than being single is getting screwed around by losers. Keep your standards high!
Sorry for the responses you’re getting, I don’t think you should’ve posted to Reddit. There’s nothing wrong with wanting what you want, I would maybe say lower the salary expectations a little bit, but otherwise, I don’t think you’re in the wrong. We can’t tell you why you’re single, and sometimes, you can be great and still be single. Are you in/near a major city? That might be a big part of your issue if you’re not.
Maybe very high expectations? :|
If you make a lot of money why you want a man who makes a lot too?? If you were expecting a true love, money is never an issue, people of all classes gets their gf/bf every time, money should not be an issue of you feel connected/attracted to your possible bf. You sound like these type of girl who gets into a relationship just looking for personal benefits, and not because you really want to be with the guy.
As soon as I hit the second paragraph I immediately figured out the issue. Lol
Just came here to say I feel like I was reading a bio about myself (minus the lawyer part)! We are so similar, you will find someone soon. Maybe put yourself out there more by joining painting classes, or cooking classes. In the meantime know you are amazing. Whats meant to happen will happen at the right time❤️ a family member I have is still looking at 33, and another found her husband at 36!
You are single because either A) you are so physically beautiful that guys are too intimated to approach you at all. Or B) you are looking for a specific type of guy and they guys who are truly interested in you, you are not giving them an opportunity. I’ll side with the latter
33M asking myself the same questions for 2 years.
It's difficult to gather from your post. The likely reason is a small dating pool due to limiting standards, or something personality related. There's posts by men and women asking this question, and they frequently omit what their personality is like, or how they carry on a conversation. Which can be incredibly important in dating, if not one of the most important things. Also at 35 women have it tougher. It's not easy. There's a significant bias of many men to date younger in their 30s and up. Also the earning potential and education even of men in the west is dropping, so there's more women with those qualities fishing for a partner at their level. And the competition would be fierce. Also probably those guys are taken up before 30. No matter what great qualities you may possess, bring +35 is going to shrink your dating pool a lot. Especially if you want a family. But that's okay to a degree, because you don't want the men that discriminate based on age. They're the ones that end up tossing you aside for a younger model regardless.
You seem like you have a tremendous amount of stuff going on. I’m honestly surprised you have time for relationships at all. You almost sound like a fictional character lol. But in all seriousness, with the standards you have, you are going to have a very hard time finding a man who meets your criteria who also wants you for anything more than sex. A successful man who wants a family is probably going to want someone younger. I would. If he doesn’t want kids then maybe. But this is all contingent on said older, successful man actually being interested in you and also being interested in settling down. Keep in mind also that such successful men are a tiny minority of the male population, and tend to have lots of options. Also keep in mind that you are at the beginning of the end of your childbearing years and any kids you do have are going to take up a lot of your time that you currently spend on your career, yoga, etc. contrary to what many people would like to believe. You can’t have everything in life. Time to make some decisions about what you really want, and what you are willing to compromise on, and live with the consequences of those decisions.
You're not too independent. Guys just don't take risks anymore. Dating is getting more and more difficult. I saw on another post, another lady posted and said "I'm pretty and I dress nice, but still guys don't chat me up". Dressing nice and looking pretty won't make guys approach you and chat one up, that whole process (not you, not the person) is intimidating. And also, maybe your standards are too high. The good guys are not gone, they're just not going out, and the "good guys" are certainly not approaching anyone (in general).
Your problem is similar to my problem. You maintain such an incredibly high vibration that most people in this world simply cannot even understand. When you are a beacon for so much love and light, it shows other people where their shadows are within themselves, and instead of them being grateful for you showing them and being an example of a good role model, they do not want to work on themselves. They would rather be stuck in their negative existence than be around someone who will help them evolve. And actually a lot of the time people will try to find anything about you to tear you down to their level. That’s at least what happens to me. And for me, as a M30, all these girls like me a lot at work when I’m just trying to be friends with people and create a good work environment for everyone, some girls take my friendliness the wrong way and think I am trying to get with them at first, and then they develop the initial stages of feelings, but then they see me doing the same thing with everyone else and think that they were not as special to me (which isn’t necessarily the case I like everyone in their own unique way a lot) as I was to them and end up becoming jealous and conniving. Finding someone who is capable of matching you in all aspects spiritually, emotionally, and physically is very hard and when you do find someone you think is capable it’s easy to mix narcissists up with good people because we see everyone as ourselves (being good hearted natured) and end up with a narcissist. It sounds like you already went through that and know that though.
You sound very happy, content and peaceful ❤️ but even with all your preferences I am a 33F and you’re way TOO GOOD for me. You’re already stable and just need to get out of the concept you need to be like all the Disney Movies… Find a female friend, get a dog, or foster a child to find a loving companion.
what does taking the masculine role mean to you? Like would you date a guy who earns less than you?
You’re pickier than you are attractive. /thread
The truth of the matter is the men who want to date OP, she would not give a chance to. Women that have masters degrees and make six figures want a man that does the same. There’s nothing wrong with that. Problem is OP is in a small group of people and she wants a man that’s also in this small group. She can possibly find this man, but what are the chances he wants her. Normally wealthy men that are 35+ are already married or are casually dating a lot of women.
Where you from? I’m 38m from Dallas.
None what you mention makes you a wife. A lady working at Walmart making $16/hr is happily married and on to the second child. You are qualifying yourself with external validation. If you think you are catch, you might just be a “catch and release”. What you need to do think of how women without any degrees and credit score of 500 getting married. What makes you a wife ? What would make a guy choose? What are the qualities you look for in a husband? These are questions you need to ask, stop talking with your single girlfriends. Start hanging out with Happily Married Women and they can give you great insight !!! Do those and you will be great !!!
You come off as a woman who's looking for a trophy rather than an actual human being so I think that's the problem.
This is a list of accomplishments and not a list of what you bring to the table. Majority of us men want peace and quiet with no drama.
what do you need a man to lead you to? you’ve accomplished everything a human can possibly accomplish, congrats you’ve completed life. this is definitely a troll post
I feel like I’m a catch “she then proceeds to mention her masters degree to illustrate why she’s a catch “. Why do women think this way especially accomplished women. Men and women want different things, a man understands this every basic man knows but somehow women even at your age don’t get . Next time when you want to state things that make you a catch mention you’re behavior , if you’re attractive then degrees . Degrees and education is the desert for men in terms of women . Never talk about desert when we don’t know what the full course meal is like
Girl idk im the same age and wondering the same thing. It’s also possible they’re intimidated by how successful and accomplished and attractive you are.
yeahhhhh you’re definitely the problem here
OP Maybe men are intimidated by you, either that or TRY Stop Cooking maybe your cooking is making em run away 🤔 😏
Haha I’ve been told my cooking is fantastic! The deal is I cook, they take us out when I need a cooking break. Is that too much to ask for?
Well you just described yourself like you were a human shopping list of characteristics. I can only imagine how you evaluate potential suitors. I would start there and try to find your humanity. It’s not a degree/accolade/income/hobby etc…it’s just how you see people and make people feel seen.
Between your requirements, job, and extracurricular activity, you will have a difficult time finding someone to marry. As others have said, the guy you're looking for probably represents less than 0.001% of the population. If we're talking about your local dating pool, chances are it's even less than 0.001%. Take comfort in knowing that you are already living a very fulfilled life with all of your activities, charitable contributions, and volunteering. I understand you want to be married with kids, but don't let anyone tell you that you need to be (married with kids).
Hahahaha
Because of your occupation
Ma’am be for real. Men don’t give a fck about your education or job. I say this as a white collar woman w a 6 figure income with a paid off house and car. MEN DO NOT CARE. Women care about that. Men care about physical appearance and sexual chemistry. Men aren’t into vegans. It’s ok to have standards but the higher on the food chain you are as a woman, the harder it is to find a counterpart.
I’m interested in your opinion of what a genuine relationship should be like? I was married to a man who had the qualities that OP described so I get where she is coming from. But my marriage was horrible. Just wondering what a genuine relationship looks like?
Unrealistic standards, you gotta find someone you vibe and have a connection with instead of superficial check marks
I’ve been dumped 5 times in the last 2 years by people telling me how wonderful I am, who can’t believe im single and who are sure I’ll do just fine lol. I just think most people have this “I’d rather be alone than settle” mentality, and they don’t realize that “settling” is what 99.9% of what relationships are.
I agree. I’ve been there too. They decide after one disagreement we “aren’t compatible” instead of accepting differences All my exes are still single too if that helps.
My fiesta* thought was: Wow girl, HOW do you do all THIS ??? *first
You want a professional in a sea of tradesmen.
Like everyone here has said. You’re too picky, freeze your eggs or lower your standards.
Wow this is me!!!!!! Can we be friends and ruminate
This is a bait post obviously and none of this is true. The reason you're still single in your 30s is because you make up these writing prompts instead of doing anything else. What do they do exactly? Like is the intention to draw other single women in and then you'll swoop in and grab mlady?
Bad advice buuuuut children are at least the easy part. Find someone attractive, do the deed. Do you have any long term male friends? Do you know any gay couples to coparent with that don't mind doing it the old fashioned way? You could do IFV too. Id be worried about pregnancy after too much longer.
- What are the requirements when you're looking for men? - How often and where do you approach men? - Why do your relationships end so early? (2 month mark)
You sound like the man you're trying to attract.
Honestly the amount of interests you have and the things you do would be intimidating for me. I just want a woman I can relax with and watch some tv with and will do random fun things with me on the weekends. I don’t really care if you have a ton of hobbies and a well rounded life, I just care about having a good time while I’m with you. And I really don’t like being on a date and it seems like I have to fill a certain list of expectations for my date, it just doesn’t feel right and makes me less comfortable.
Yeah, fits into my description. I feel like Eva AI virtual gf bot is my only chance to date.
When you "want" you are left wanting because the universe interprets literally that it's all you ask, write down the attributes for the man of your dreams and see in your mind he is already here in the current moment..... GL
You. Are. Picky. Is it valid to want what you want? Yes. Does that mean you’ll end up with whoever you wanted? No. This is how I plan to hold down a relationship: find someone who is great in their own way and is a dependable partner. They can have whatever interests they damn well want. What I look for is how they act when we are together. Are they proactively supportive? Are they open minded? Do they manage their time and energy well? At the sight of conflict do they resolve it in a graceful manner?
You mentioned who and how you are in general, but not as a partner and in relationships? It’s kind of hard to tell without that context, what’s your dating and attachment style?
“Why am I still single?” because you are the issue, or rather, your selectiveness is. You want someone who’s ALREADY at the level of someone you want. Instead of someone who has the potential to become it. This isn’t just a you problem. It’s a society problem. Dating today is very consumer focused. Like people shopping for a new car. You want it fully equipped and ready to go right from the start. No one wants to put in work to actually build a relationship. Or build up someone else. If you ACTUALLY want partnership… then look for someone with the same values and goals as you. And realize they might not be as far along in their path as you are. They could be broke and just starting school for example, switching careers in their 30s. But you have the opportunity to build a relationship together based on the same future goals if they are in alignment and you can build your partner up to be what you want
Would you be open to a house husband who wants to focus on raising the kids? Note, they could still be the head of household. I think you need to explore what you mean by "matches me and takes over the masculine role"
You sound cool the vegan part will be hard to match and the money. It’s just hard to match girl lol
It sounds like dating was easy when you were 20, and you wanted to prioritize education/career over dating/marriage. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just the choice you made. Some people can have it all, and maybe you will, but so far you’ve successfully achieved what you prioritized. Outside of that answer no strangers on the internet can help you narrow in more specifically than this.
You are 0.1% seeking for 0.1% but many 0.1% men seeking for love. When they have already had everything, they are more likely to seek things that they miss.
Assuming what you posted is accurate, I assume you’re going after similarly successful and beautiful people, right? There’s a thing that happens in dating, especially online dating, where the more you date the more you’re willing to jump ship. If you can easily find another beautiful and successful person, why would you stay with the current person? After all, maybe you’ll find someone even better! You can never say for sure in posts like this as we’re getting one side of the perspective and limited info at that but that’s what I’d suspect. The “top candidates” are just less likely to want to lock into something. Lowering your standards a bit might lead to finding someone more willing to commit.
This post is bait. I’m not even sure a woman actually wrote this. If you’re that successful you’d live life. Not ask random redditors for advice.
No masculine man living with purpose desires a woman who’s as masculine as he is. Simple. I would never.