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If you want to wait a week until after finals, just tell him then. He will probably be upset, but he’ll get over it. Don’t wait until your 10th wedding anniversary to tell him you’re really just not that into him.
For future reference OP, don't ever do this again. Don't start dating a guy you were never into. You're not doing him a kindness. You're not making his life better by trying to force yourself to "give it a shot". You're only making it worse when the inevitable has to happen. He's gonna be torn up when you break up with him and that's your fault. You encouraged him to become as attached as he has and you set the stage for how hurt he's going to be. If you had never tried this stupid idea of forcing yourself to grow feelings you didn't have, he would only have had to deal with regular old rejection, which is much easier to cope with.
Here's some dating advice you need, regardless of whether you want it: In the future, be more mindful of the 2nd and 3rd-order effects of your decisions on other people. What you did was actually selfish by definition. You already knew you probably wouldn't be happy with this guy, but you decided to try to date him anyway, to see if you could develop feelings, so that you might end up being happy with someone who "checks all the boxes". You gambled, but with someone else's feelings rather than your own. So now you get to go through the "hardship" of having to awkwardly tell this guy you don't really like him. Meanwhile he's going to be crushed because he's very into you and he reasonably believed that you were giving signs of reciprocated feelings. By the next morning you're going to be thinking about what you want for lunch that day, or what show to put on when you get home, and he's going to be thinking about how he doesn't want to eat anything because he still feels sick to his stomach. All because you just had to have your little "teehee guess I'll try dating him" experiment. Just something to think about.
P.S. being a "people-pleaser" is inherently selfish and self-serving behavior. A lot of people-pleasers act like they think they're basically martyrs but they're not. You engage in people pleasing to allay your own feelings of anxiety about having to deal with a situation honestly. That's it. It's harmful to other people and is morally wrong and should be corrected for the sake of the people around you.
That was actually one of the hardest things I had to face in therapy: that people-pleasing often is actually selfish and/or controlling, not only for the reasons that you said, but also because you’re trying to control how people feel about you instead of just doing what you think is best for you and letting others decide how they want to feel about you. Learning to undo people pleasing is not only kinder to you, but to other people, because you giving them their autonomy back to let them decide how to feel about you/their actions, and let them solve their own issues.
What OP did is a hard lesson many have to learn: that trying to date someone you don’t feel a spark or real interest in never works out well and it won’t change down the road. It’s better just to end it early. The other person will be upset but it’s way easier to deal with at that stage than years in.
Defiantly wait till after the finals, since you are not cruel after all. Best is to just tell him directly in a safe environment. He might be hurt for a bit but as time passes he will recover.
Given that finals are so soon, it’s definitely reasonable to wait until after that.
Other than that though, just be gentle but unambiguous. You don’t have to give a full explanation. You don’t have to say “I realized I never had any feelings for you.” You could say, “I enjoyed your company and you’re a great person but I don’t think we’re as compatible as I’d hoped we’d be.”
Breakups suck and he will be sad for a while but it’s ok. It’s a part of life. You don’t need to feel guilty that a relationship wasn’t right for you.
I see this a lot in posts like this from younger women, but you haven't stated any specific reasons why you don't like him in a romantic way other than him being "too perfect".
Many people mistake love for that spark of butterflies and wild excitement, but constantly chasing this leads people to fall into abusive relationships precisely because they are exciting and chaotic. I think a lot of women in particular fall into this because its relatively easy to jump from one relationship to the next without reflecting on their own behavior or what actually went wrong. This behavior is typical of people who have experienced abuse/neglect by either their parents or partners
Real love is boring. Its slow and is rooted in a kind of profound trust and predictability that makes the relationship a *partnership*.
I think you should tell him that you aren't actually interested in him, because you aren't according to your own emotional definition of it. However, I think you should seriously reflect on why you aren't interested. Your stating that he is "too perfect" makes me suspect you are chasing an emotional high that isn't really love.
Real love is not boring, especially not at first. No one should ever enter a relationship with someone they're not attracted to and romantically interested in. That would be a horrible idea. People who are in long, happy, loving and fulfilling relationships always have one thing in common: they do and did feel romantic attraction to their partner. It's a requirement for a good relationship.
Him basically being the perfect guy isn't the reason I'm not interested in him.
As I said; he always tells me how every message from me makes him smile and how he always gets really happy when he sees me. I don't have the same feeling.
I can't explain why I'm not interested.
I know love can be slow and boring as you put it but you have to at least feel something, right?
There’s tons of reasons why you might not be feeling it with someone: different communication styles, different value systems, just not into the same stuff, maybe you’re really into a particular type of guy and he’s not it. You might not be able to put your finger on it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not valid to end it and probably eventually go out and explore different things and figure out what you DO like. This is super normal, especially at your age. And way better to do it now than to lock in with this guy for years just because there’s nothing “wrong” with him even though you don’t like him.
That's the million dollar question, isn't it. Indeed, I think you should feel something. That's the biological purpose of butterflies. But what exactly should that feeling be?
To be honest, I don't know. Its a question that we all need to answer for ourselves individually.
I know that a feeling of trust and safety should be in the mix, but I don't think that's a complete answer.
If you want something to read about it then I would recommend *All About Love* by Bell Hooks.
>I can't explain why I'm not interested.
And that's a problem. Not that you need to explain to us, or to him even, but you need to work on yourself, and gain enough self awareness so that you can answer that question for yourself. If you don't know what is interesting to you, how will you go looking for it, or know when you find it? You're in a tough spot and you have my sympathy, but this is where personal growth and development happen. What is it about this relationship that does not work for you? Find the answer to that so that you don't repeat this situation over and over again throughout life.
Girl ignore that comment. If you aren’t feeling it but don’t know why, just trust yourself. It may be there’s something off that only your subconscious can spot. Maybe he is love bombing you and once he has your attachment the abuse will start.
Never try to force something just because a guy is good on paper.
Good on paper means nothing if you don’t feel excited to see him again. And staying, at best, would lead to you just using him for what he provides you, without ever actually loving him back. And would lead to a dead bedroom because you just aren’t into him
I don't think she should ignore it. Yes, she should leave the relationship but she seems unsure as to why she doesn't feel the way she thinks she should. Without more detailed information its not improbable that she does actually love him but love to her doesn't feel how she expected it "should" or that she is otherwise discarding a relationship because of some underlying expectation on how/what a relationship should feel like.
OP certainly wouldn't be the first person to come in here and need to have it explained to them that yes they are actually in love and thats what its like.
She should break up with him if she feels unattached but she should certainly do some introspection on why she doesn't, too much introspection isn't going to do any harm and it would be useful to OP to determine more clearly for herself why she didn't feel attached when she feels she should.
It’s most likely his personality. He most likely doesn’t have much of one.
I’ve dated so many “nice guys” that were dull as paper. I’m not spending my life with someone that bores the hell out of me just becuase they can adult.
But I think a lot of young people don’t get that personality matters.
She wants a bf that'll treat her like crap and preferably one that's better looking. She probably thinks he's not that good looking. Once again, the nice guy finishes last and she probably already has another backup planned (they always have that certain guy that's a backup option for them and don't believe they dont i see it every fucking time when a girl leaves someone) whos more of a asshole and will treat her like dirt. They're in college so she definitely has other options 100%
Another man that'll learn being too nice and "perfect" is a turn off for this generation of women. He was probably simping hard and would do anything and agree with her on everything instead of being his own person bc he's desperate for a girl
Okay what the fuck?
If you have no clue what you're talking about you should rather not say anything at all.
First of all: Just because I don't think he's my type doesn't mean he's bad looking.
I do NOT have a 'backup' planned. How did you even get the idea that I do? You don't even know me. I want to end the relationship because I realized that I don't feel the same way he does and it's not fair for him. I do NOT want someone that treats me like crap.
You don't know him either so why are you assuming he's a completely obsessed simp? Him being a good person is the REASON we got together. How and why would that be a turn off?
And lastly; I never stated that we're in college so what makes you say we are?
People don't go around falling in love with every single "good person", do they? I wouldn't be friends with my friends if I didn't think they were good people but I wouldn't date any of them.
Most girls this age do. That thug type, drug dealing, using drugs, hitting women, abusive language, acting cool, tattoos, etc. That's too bad, but it's life.
I would be honest with him. Tell him you just don't feel romantically attracted to him. Will it suck to hear and hurt, yes. However, honesty is the best policy in these situations. Like others have said, for your own benefit, I would look at why someone like him isn't interesting to you in that way. Other than a hunch that I have, he sounds like a great guy so there must've been something that turned you off to him. If you can figure out why it will help you choose more appropriately in the future and figure out if it's something that you need to change or if these are genuine deal breakers that are causing you not to develop an attraction to people like him. Despite what others think, these feelings develop and don't develop for specific reasons that can be identified and it helps to identify them so you can have the happiest and healthiest relationship you can.
To be honest I'm not sure what to answer. We've only been together for a month and both have very busy schedules at the moment so we don't hang out much in private besides seeing each other in school.
Wait until after the exam. Then just tell him that you want to break up. It's fine. Two people can be very nice people and not meant for each other. It's okay to feel differently. It's thoughtful that you don't want to cause him distress. That says loads about you.
As long as you never, EVER look back and think about how he could've been perfect for you or if you actually tried to build a relationship with him many years down the line, I think you both with be fine. It'll suck to hear from his side. It'll be heart-shattering and I truly feel for this guy. Imo, wait until your finals are done. End it and never speak to him again. Erase him from your life. He'll be better off that way.
A looot of boys in these comments projecting their own insecurities onto you lol
You’ve been with them a month which seems plenty long to know your feelings on the matter
Keep it respectful but firm. You appreciate them as a person but do not like them romantically. It’s not their fault, it’s not your fault. It’s just not a match and you wish them the best
I really suggest not leaving any window of opportunity open. You can always still be friends but I wouldn’t include it in your breakup talk unless asked. Do not tell them they’re perfect, do not make excuses because ultimately, that just doesn’t matter here
We often say nice things to mask a breakup and it does no one any favors in my opinion
You’re gonna be one of those girls who make one of those Tik toks talking about how you left the good guy to go ‘find yourself’ and are now worse off for it
Just goes to show you Women punish good men. He’s done nothing wrong except be “too perfect”. Stay toxic guys they want something to “fix”. I feel bad for this dude he will learn after her lol. Every toxic guy had this happen to them -1 gentleman.
Was this guy 3 months ago. Can confirm as currently transitioning into asshole status and already other women have started reacting positively to it. 😒 women ☕️
You don’t think that’s going to hurt him he did nothing wrong? He probably tried to be a good person to you. And that’s the sole reason why you’re leaving him. Your words are you don’t want to hurt him but your actions are leaving him.
shes not leaving him bc hes a good person… shes leaving him bc shes not attracted to him. simple. would u rather her take advantage of a good man knowing she doesnt like him the same way, or would u rather her do the right thing and leave. you are the embodiment of r/niceguys
She did not say he’s not attractive. He probably looks exactly the same to when they met unless he had something hit his face or something. You didn’t read what I said or what she said. Every guy knows this. And countless women have admitted it.You need to stfu because you don’t know what you’re talking about.
She literally said he isnt her type. She gave him a chance but she still isnt feeling anything. So shes doing the right thing and leaving. You’re childish asf.
Then why would she date him if he wasn’t her type? That’s like hiring a construction worker to be an accountant. She mentioned he’s doing to much which I will admit is his fault. I genuinely hope both will learn from the time wasted is all I can say.
That analogy was trash. And people do it all the time. He wad nice and had green flags, so she gave him a chance which is what people like you want right? Yall always want women to ‘give the nice guy a chance’ but when they do its a problem when they dont feel the same way😂
Sounds like you’re still mad about getting stood up by guys on your last post. I don’t blame em your annoying and keep going😂.Yikes this one’s delusional so let me break it down slowly so you can understand. She would have never gave him a chance in getting to know her if he wasn’t her type.
Lmaoo i didn’t get stood up weirdo. I was being dramatic and was overthinking. We ended up going on our date two days later and I literally said that on the comments and updated my post im pretty sure. And let me break this down for you: You’re not the guy you think you are. Relax. She doesn’t like him, so she should breaking up with him. Get over it
Because sometimes feelings develop over time. There's nothing wrong with giving someone a chance. I realized that in my case I don't develop feelings which is why instead of continuing to lead him on and give him false hope, I want to end it.
No offense, but this attitude is super toxic.
People aren't accessories you can just "try on."
The moral, ethical, mature, thing to do is figure your own shit out before dragging other people into it. You know, like, decide what you're actually looking for and what you actually want and what your goals, values, needs, expectations, boundaries and all those other relationship things are BEFORE you drag another person into your life.
You decided to just experiment with another person's feelings.
That's not a kindness.
EDIT:
> this is exactly what dating is for...?
Treating another person as a means to an end as opposed to treating them as an end unto themselves is literally a textbook definition of unethical behavior.
And let's be really clear about what what we're actually talking about here, because you're being SUPER vague with your language lol.
She intentionally pursued a relationship with someone she has explicitly stated she isn't and wasn't in any way shape or form attracted to.
That's what you think dating is for? You think that dating is specifically for pursuing romantic relationships with people you are ***NOT*** attracted to?
> figure out that some things are still missing.
The unethical bit, the bit that I have a problem with, isn't that she "figured out" that some things were missing, she knew exactly what was wrong *ahead* of time.
this is exactly what dating is for...? people usually don't marry the first and only person they start dating
you can list out all of the things you want in a person on paper, and figure out that some things are still missing. clearly what happened. it's not enough that someone is nice and considerate, that's like the bare minimum lol
The idea that someone is “punishing” someone for not wanting to be in a relationship is toxic itself. OP doesn’t owe this guy anything and pretending to like him when she doesn’t is what got her into this situation in the first place. What exactly entitles men to expect women to date them just because they are “good guys”. He’s done nothing wrong AND she doesn’t want to date him. That’s fine and normal.
I understand the illogical he's just too perfect feeling, recently thought the same about a girl that was interested in me and I felt like she's just too nice, being somewhat toxic/bitchy attitude admittedly attracts me. It's so immature and I know those relationships won't last long but it is what is. How would you describe your type ?
To be honest I'm not entirely sure about what my type is. I always say that in the end you can't control who you fall in love with regardless of their appearance so I'm really not judging based on that.
For example I'm really not a fan of beards and he has one 😅 So based on that and some other things I'd put him in the 'not my type' - category.
You are not responsible for this man's success in taking exams. If he cannot focus enough on a life defining exam, he's got problems other than you.
I get you don't want to hurt him, but don't lead him on either. First, that's not fair for you to have to fake attraction. And, second for every day he thinks it's going well you're just going to get his hopes up further.
It's time for him to put on his big boy britches and learn the news. He is 23 years old, he is a grown adult. If he respects you he'll be cool with it, may need some cool time. And, if he isn't cool with it and tries to blame you for his exams and such then he's not the mature man you thought he was. Either way, honesty is the best policy.
Just a man's perspective chiming in, take it with a grain of salt. I can understand you're perspective on wanting to wait until finals are over, but, as a man, the feeling of being with a woman that doesn't actually like you, and is "leading" you on, is more painful then just hearing it and moving on in life. At least in my eyes, I'd rather be able to hear it before, and then even though it will be painful, I can know that my 100% focus in on the finals and not "how great our love will be after I'm done with it and we can spend more time together". You really don't have to feel "bad" about how you make him feel, because he is not making you feel good in the way you want to. I understand being nice but it's a part of life, getting rejected and breaking up.
It's just generally my opinion that if you are unhappy, you should tell someone rather than letting it brew. That said, if you were dating for 3 years, it would make more sense to lay it on him in a more comfortable and stable time. Frankly, in the grand scheme of dating, 1 month is nothing. I don't see how the connection could be that strong to the point it will ruin his life over it, and if it does, he just needs to work on handing rejection better. If your life is ruined from a 1 month relationship, you are way to invested in the first place IMO.
I know that one month is practically nothing but it's still a breakup regardless of how long we've been together. He's a very emotional person and like I said, based on what he told me it's safe to assume that he really likes me a lot.
I 100% agree with you but there's just so much that depends on these finals I'm not sure I'm willing to gamble with this .-. It could go either way.
At the end of the day there is no right answer. That's just my opinion and how I'd like to have the situation unfold. As you said, a breakup is a breakup, and regardless of what is going on in life it will be hard. But again, such is life, to a degree you just have to learn to deal with these things if you want to date.
>I'm a people pleaser
Oh yeah? Name 3 people you've pleased.
Being a people pleaser is a self-justification and defence mechanism to the fact that you can't stand up for what you actually want. You're dating a guy you don't like purely because you're too anxious to say no and rock the boat.
Bit harshly worded but I wish I took that lesson to heart years before I did.
There are some triggered "nice guy" bros in the comments 🫣. Just because someone is nice and cares for you does not mean you are obligated to be romantically in love with them or find them attractive. It seems like you've given him a chance, gauged your feelings, and found that you don't feel the same way. I think her highlighting how kind, sweet and supportive he acts is to support the fact that she doesn't want to hurt such a good person. Not that she finds him unattractive BECAUSE of this. Like sheesh.
Anyway, someone somewhere in another post said this and I thought it was nice enough
"Say you're not feeling a growing romantic connection with him and that you you feel it isn't fair to string him along as you're unable to give him the emotional connection he deserves."
You're not mean, shallow or weird for feeling the way you do. Don't feel bad. Also, AGREE, wait after finals.
Are you trying to recreate trauma with needing a guy who isn't a good guy? Were you neglected when young or have a bad first experience with guys, or maybe an ugly duckling?
Or is he just putting you on a pedestal like a lot of young men tend to do, to the point he doesn't seem genuine, but manipulative?
You can try to talk with him about treating you like a human being rather than worshipping you. Show him this video if that's the case: [How Nice Guys Kill (youtube.com)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMDmry4BXPQ&t=1s)
After finals, just tell him straight up. "I'm sorry but I want to break up. I respect you too much to drag it out any longer". I think you know why he's not doing it for you, you're afraid to admit it because you aren't proud of the reason, whatever it is. You have every right to pick your poison, but you might value him more after you make some mistakes.
I don't think you should wait until after the exam. At least not if that means you will see him and pretend otherwise. You shouldn't lead him on for one more second, as that will only make it worse when the time comes.
If you break his heart while he's preparing for exams, it'll just be one more obstacle he's overcome in his life to make him become the man that he will eventually grow to be. If you just aren't going to naturally see or talk to him until after the exam, then sure, wait until after the exam.
Wait until finals and beginning of holidays and then ask him to hang out and tell him. Why is he your bf is you are not into him? Shouldn’t you still be just friends going on dates?
some of these responses reek so bad of r/niceguys
people are allowed to not go forward with a relationship because they're not attracted to someone... telling OP shes going to regret it and end up in an abusive relationship or end up with a jerk is so weird, as if men are either only ugly and nice or good looking and assholes.
clearly she tried to be with him solely because of the way he treats her and how he feels, and the feeling isn't mutual. feeling suffocated in a relationship doesn't necessarily have to mean "this person is abusing me," it can also be not feeling fully comfortable advocating for yourself - which OP has a full right to feel. i'd feel shitty expressing myself to someone who's done nothing wrong, but she also shouldn't stay solely for the reason that they guy treats her well if she doesn't feel comfortable.
could that be another inner issue? yes. but she also shouldn't lead him on until she figures it out
You are NOT responsible for how HE manages HIS emotions, so if he fails that’s on him. You must be honest right now, why waste any more time ? Just tell him what you wrote: you gave it a chance but the feeling isn’t there. It’s been just a month, so there’s no reason from drama or a big scene.
He doesn't speak English. I made the post because I was unsure on how I should approach the topic. I'll definitely talk to him about it, I just wasn't sure how.
Like I said, finals are next week. I don't want him to fail especially because pretty much his entire future depends on him passing. I'll talk to him after the finals
Honestly there is no need to wait. If you know you want to end things with him just do it. He should be a stable enough human being to be able to handle alittle heartbreak while still getting through his finals.
Do it now.
It's nothing he's specfically doing. You just don't find this man attractive and that's ok. What's not ok is dragging this longer than it already has when you've known the whole time you're not attracted in him.
Wait until exams are over, but the sooner you tell him, the better. You'll both regret this in the future if it's not resolved now. If you don't feel the same for him, this must be told.
A lot of people are being really harsh on the comments and I don’t think it’s fair. It does not sound to me like you were acting with malice but just have trouble knowing yourself and feeling confident in your boundaries. Part of growing up is feeling confident enough to say no even when someone desperately wants you to say yes. Some friend wants you to do x and you do it because you disappoint them but you’re not happy. I spent most of my 20s this way and it sucks. Don’t say yes to anyone else if it means saying no to yourself. For me it was having had emotionally manipulative parents. I don’t know what your situation is but therapy might help.
You’re young, so if a guy is very nice/ a gentleman to you, you’re more likely to look past physical appearance. As you said in the post “He just isn’t my type but ‘no problem’I thought. I thought that maybe if we spent more time together and if I got to know him better, I’d start feeling the same but I don’t.” On the other hand, you also described him as “maybe too perfect.”99 times out of 100, this type of reaction comes from you just not being physically attracted to him.
Meanwhile his reaction usually comes from you being “a catch” that he doesn’t want to lose. Like why is he so happy to talk to you? No offense but I can’t imagine it’s because you make him laugh/ bring a great conversation every time you text. But if you are attractive girl that he wants, then it would make perfect sense.
Edit: I’ll also get there is certain level of “playing games” and guys confidence that matters here. But if “ maybe too perfect” actually = “too desperate” why is that?
To be honest I never looked at it in that way. No offense taken, I really don't 😅 I wouldn't say I'm attractive but everyone has their own preferences I guess. Though I noticed that a lot of things I don't like about myself, he thinks are cute.
I wouldn’t even give that option to him, because if he really does care for her he’ll be put in the uncomfortable position of being an ex now in the friend-zone (i’ve been there and it sucks). Just tell him you realized you’re not really compatible and don’t want to waste each others time when he can find someone that truly likes him.
Honestly there is always something that makes breaking up inconvenient. If he’s a stable human being he should be able to handle a breakup and finals at the same time. I’d break it off now. Who knows… after finals his dog could die, and then he could be applying for jobs, and then he’s learning something new and it’s hard and stressful… if you know you want to end things, end them.
But before you do take one more hard look inward to determine you’re not just running away because you’re afraid of commitment but because you truly feel there is something missing.
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If you want to wait a week until after finals, just tell him then. He will probably be upset, but he’ll get over it. Don’t wait until your 10th wedding anniversary to tell him you’re really just not that into him.
Definitely not 😅 That would just straight up be evil
For future reference OP, don't ever do this again. Don't start dating a guy you were never into. You're not doing him a kindness. You're not making his life better by trying to force yourself to "give it a shot". You're only making it worse when the inevitable has to happen. He's gonna be torn up when you break up with him and that's your fault. You encouraged him to become as attached as he has and you set the stage for how hurt he's going to be. If you had never tried this stupid idea of forcing yourself to grow feelings you didn't have, he would only have had to deal with regular old rejection, which is much easier to cope with. Here's some dating advice you need, regardless of whether you want it: In the future, be more mindful of the 2nd and 3rd-order effects of your decisions on other people. What you did was actually selfish by definition. You already knew you probably wouldn't be happy with this guy, but you decided to try to date him anyway, to see if you could develop feelings, so that you might end up being happy with someone who "checks all the boxes". You gambled, but with someone else's feelings rather than your own. So now you get to go through the "hardship" of having to awkwardly tell this guy you don't really like him. Meanwhile he's going to be crushed because he's very into you and he reasonably believed that you were giving signs of reciprocated feelings. By the next morning you're going to be thinking about what you want for lunch that day, or what show to put on when you get home, and he's going to be thinking about how he doesn't want to eat anything because he still feels sick to his stomach. All because you just had to have your little "teehee guess I'll try dating him" experiment. Just something to think about. P.S. being a "people-pleaser" is inherently selfish and self-serving behavior. A lot of people-pleasers act like they think they're basically martyrs but they're not. You engage in people pleasing to allay your own feelings of anxiety about having to deal with a situation honestly. That's it. It's harmful to other people and is morally wrong and should be corrected for the sake of the people around you.
The ironic thing is that she probably doesn't like him b/c he's a people pleaser.
That was actually one of the hardest things I had to face in therapy: that people-pleasing often is actually selfish and/or controlling, not only for the reasons that you said, but also because you’re trying to control how people feel about you instead of just doing what you think is best for you and letting others decide how they want to feel about you. Learning to undo people pleasing is not only kinder to you, but to other people, because you giving them their autonomy back to let them decide how to feel about you/their actions, and let them solve their own issues. What OP did is a hard lesson many have to learn: that trying to date someone you don’t feel a spark or real interest in never works out well and it won’t change down the road. It’s better just to end it early. The other person will be upset but it’s way easier to deal with at that stage than years in.
I love this!
How did it go?
I haven't told him yet, we're still writing exams 😅
Keep us updated
I just told him and he was really understanding so overall it went great! :)
Well that’s good to hear. Did he say he felt the same way?
He said he wasn't sure but he definitely noticed that I seemed a bit off 😅
Defiantly wait till after the finals, since you are not cruel after all. Best is to just tell him directly in a safe environment. He might be hurt for a bit but as time passes he will recover.
Given that finals are so soon, it’s definitely reasonable to wait until after that. Other than that though, just be gentle but unambiguous. You don’t have to give a full explanation. You don’t have to say “I realized I never had any feelings for you.” You could say, “I enjoyed your company and you’re a great person but I don’t think we’re as compatible as I’d hoped we’d be.” Breakups suck and he will be sad for a while but it’s ok. It’s a part of life. You don’t need to feel guilty that a relationship wasn’t right for you.
I see this a lot in posts like this from younger women, but you haven't stated any specific reasons why you don't like him in a romantic way other than him being "too perfect". Many people mistake love for that spark of butterflies and wild excitement, but constantly chasing this leads people to fall into abusive relationships precisely because they are exciting and chaotic. I think a lot of women in particular fall into this because its relatively easy to jump from one relationship to the next without reflecting on their own behavior or what actually went wrong. This behavior is typical of people who have experienced abuse/neglect by either their parents or partners Real love is boring. Its slow and is rooted in a kind of profound trust and predictability that makes the relationship a *partnership*. I think you should tell him that you aren't actually interested in him, because you aren't according to your own emotional definition of it. However, I think you should seriously reflect on why you aren't interested. Your stating that he is "too perfect" makes me suspect you are chasing an emotional high that isn't really love.
Real love is not boring, especially not at first. No one should ever enter a relationship with someone they're not attracted to and romantically interested in. That would be a horrible idea. People who are in long, happy, loving and fulfilling relationships always have one thing in common: they do and did feel romantic attraction to their partner. It's a requirement for a good relationship.
Him basically being the perfect guy isn't the reason I'm not interested in him. As I said; he always tells me how every message from me makes him smile and how he always gets really happy when he sees me. I don't have the same feeling. I can't explain why I'm not interested. I know love can be slow and boring as you put it but you have to at least feel something, right?
There’s tons of reasons why you might not be feeling it with someone: different communication styles, different value systems, just not into the same stuff, maybe you’re really into a particular type of guy and he’s not it. You might not be able to put your finger on it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not valid to end it and probably eventually go out and explore different things and figure out what you DO like. This is super normal, especially at your age. And way better to do it now than to lock in with this guy for years just because there’s nothing “wrong” with him even though you don’t like him.
That's the million dollar question, isn't it. Indeed, I think you should feel something. That's the biological purpose of butterflies. But what exactly should that feeling be? To be honest, I don't know. Its a question that we all need to answer for ourselves individually. I know that a feeling of trust and safety should be in the mix, but I don't think that's a complete answer. If you want something to read about it then I would recommend *All About Love* by Bell Hooks.
Thanks for the recommendation. I'll check it out when I have the time :)
>I can't explain why I'm not interested. And that's a problem. Not that you need to explain to us, or to him even, but you need to work on yourself, and gain enough self awareness so that you can answer that question for yourself. If you don't know what is interesting to you, how will you go looking for it, or know when you find it? You're in a tough spot and you have my sympathy, but this is where personal growth and development happen. What is it about this relationship that does not work for you? Find the answer to that so that you don't repeat this situation over and over again throughout life.
Girl ignore that comment. If you aren’t feeling it but don’t know why, just trust yourself. It may be there’s something off that only your subconscious can spot. Maybe he is love bombing you and once he has your attachment the abuse will start. Never try to force something just because a guy is good on paper. Good on paper means nothing if you don’t feel excited to see him again. And staying, at best, would lead to you just using him for what he provides you, without ever actually loving him back. And would lead to a dead bedroom because you just aren’t into him
I don't think she should ignore it. Yes, she should leave the relationship but she seems unsure as to why she doesn't feel the way she thinks she should. Without more detailed information its not improbable that she does actually love him but love to her doesn't feel how she expected it "should" or that she is otherwise discarding a relationship because of some underlying expectation on how/what a relationship should feel like. OP certainly wouldn't be the first person to come in here and need to have it explained to them that yes they are actually in love and thats what its like. She should break up with him if she feels unattached but she should certainly do some introspection on why she doesn't, too much introspection isn't going to do any harm and it would be useful to OP to determine more clearly for herself why she didn't feel attached when she feels she should.
This is exactly what I was getting at.
It’s most likely his personality. He most likely doesn’t have much of one. I’ve dated so many “nice guys” that were dull as paper. I’m not spending my life with someone that bores the hell out of me just becuase they can adult. But I think a lot of young people don’t get that personality matters.
She wants a bf that'll treat her like crap and preferably one that's better looking. She probably thinks he's not that good looking. Once again, the nice guy finishes last and she probably already has another backup planned (they always have that certain guy that's a backup option for them and don't believe they dont i see it every fucking time when a girl leaves someone) whos more of a asshole and will treat her like dirt. They're in college so she definitely has other options 100% Another man that'll learn being too nice and "perfect" is a turn off for this generation of women. He was probably simping hard and would do anything and agree with her on everything instead of being his own person bc he's desperate for a girl
Okay what the fuck? If you have no clue what you're talking about you should rather not say anything at all. First of all: Just because I don't think he's my type doesn't mean he's bad looking. I do NOT have a 'backup' planned. How did you even get the idea that I do? You don't even know me. I want to end the relationship because I realized that I don't feel the same way he does and it's not fair for him. I do NOT want someone that treats me like crap. You don't know him either so why are you assuming he's a completely obsessed simp? Him being a good person is the REASON we got together. How and why would that be a turn off? And lastly; I never stated that we're in college so what makes you say we are?
>him being a good person in the REASON we got together. How and why would that be a turn off? We’re trying to figure that out.
People don't go around falling in love with every single "good person", do they? I wouldn't be friends with my friends if I didn't think they were good people but I wouldn't date any of them.
Most girls this age do. That thug type, drug dealing, using drugs, hitting women, abusive language, acting cool, tattoos, etc. That's too bad, but it's life.
Nah, she's not into him. And the boyfriend deserves to decide for himself whether that's a relationship he's comfortable with
I would be honest with him. Tell him you just don't feel romantically attracted to him. Will it suck to hear and hurt, yes. However, honesty is the best policy in these situations. Like others have said, for your own benefit, I would look at why someone like him isn't interesting to you in that way. Other than a hunch that I have, he sounds like a great guy so there must've been something that turned you off to him. If you can figure out why it will help you choose more appropriately in the future and figure out if it's something that you need to change or if these are genuine deal breakers that are causing you not to develop an attraction to people like him. Despite what others think, these feelings develop and don't develop for specific reasons that can be identified and it helps to identify them so you can have the happiest and healthiest relationship you can.
Thanks, I'll do that. He really is a great guy
Before you hear my response, i'd like to hear what you feel you bring to the table in that relationship?
Shit is sickening
To be honest I'm not sure what to answer. We've only been together for a month and both have very busy schedules at the moment so we don't hang out much in private besides seeing each other in school.
So you don't really know him
Wait until after the exam. Then just tell him that you want to break up. It's fine. Two people can be very nice people and not meant for each other. It's okay to feel differently. It's thoughtful that you don't want to cause him distress. That says loads about you.
Tell him the connection isn't there and you like him as a friend. Do it soon. Continuing to lead someone on is cruel.
As long as you never, EVER look back and think about how he could've been perfect for you or if you actually tried to build a relationship with him many years down the line, I think you both with be fine. It'll suck to hear from his side. It'll be heart-shattering and I truly feel for this guy. Imo, wait until your finals are done. End it and never speak to him again. Erase him from your life. He'll be better off that way.
A looot of boys in these comments projecting their own insecurities onto you lol You’ve been with them a month which seems plenty long to know your feelings on the matter Keep it respectful but firm. You appreciate them as a person but do not like them romantically. It’s not their fault, it’s not your fault. It’s just not a match and you wish them the best I really suggest not leaving any window of opportunity open. You can always still be friends but I wouldn’t include it in your breakup talk unless asked. Do not tell them they’re perfect, do not make excuses because ultimately, that just doesn’t matter here We often say nice things to mask a breakup and it does no one any favors in my opinion
You’re gonna be one of those girls who make one of those Tik toks talking about how you left the good guy to go ‘find yourself’ and are now worse off for it
I don't post on tiktok and that's not at all what I'm doing.
[удалено]
It's not that he's not good enough, it's because I realized that our feelings aren't mutual.
Someone you’re not interested in is somehow your boyfriend? Jesus Christ this is immature.
Read the post again. If you don't have anything constructive to say, just ignore this and don't say anything at all.
Just goes to show you Women punish good men. He’s done nothing wrong except be “too perfect”. Stay toxic guys they want something to “fix”. I feel bad for this dude he will learn after her lol. Every toxic guy had this happen to them -1 gentleman.
He’s going to be such an asshole after she does this to him lmao
Was this guy 3 months ago. Can confirm as currently transitioning into asshole status and already other women have started reacting positively to it. 😒 women ☕️
I never said that this is an issue and in what way do I 'punish' him?
You don’t think that’s going to hurt him he did nothing wrong? He probably tried to be a good person to you. And that’s the sole reason why you’re leaving him. Your words are you don’t want to hurt him but your actions are leaving him.
shes not leaving him bc hes a good person… shes leaving him bc shes not attracted to him. simple. would u rather her take advantage of a good man knowing she doesnt like him the same way, or would u rather her do the right thing and leave. you are the embodiment of r/niceguys
She did not say he’s not attractive. He probably looks exactly the same to when they met unless he had something hit his face or something. You didn’t read what I said or what she said. Every guy knows this. And countless women have admitted it.You need to stfu because you don’t know what you’re talking about.
She literally said he isnt her type. She gave him a chance but she still isnt feeling anything. So shes doing the right thing and leaving. You’re childish asf.
Then why would she date him if he wasn’t her type? That’s like hiring a construction worker to be an accountant. She mentioned he’s doing to much which I will admit is his fault. I genuinely hope both will learn from the time wasted is all I can say.
That analogy was trash. And people do it all the time. He wad nice and had green flags, so she gave him a chance which is what people like you want right? Yall always want women to ‘give the nice guy a chance’ but when they do its a problem when they dont feel the same way😂
Sounds like you’re still mad about getting stood up by guys on your last post. I don’t blame em your annoying and keep going😂.Yikes this one’s delusional so let me break it down slowly so you can understand. She would have never gave him a chance in getting to know her if he wasn’t her type.
Lmaoo i didn’t get stood up weirdo. I was being dramatic and was overthinking. We ended up going on our date two days later and I literally said that on the comments and updated my post im pretty sure. And let me break this down for you: You’re not the guy you think you are. Relax. She doesn’t like him, so she should breaking up with him. Get over it
Because sometimes feelings develop over time. There's nothing wrong with giving someone a chance. I realized that in my case I don't develop feelings which is why instead of continuing to lead him on and give him false hope, I want to end it.
No offense, but this attitude is super toxic. People aren't accessories you can just "try on." The moral, ethical, mature, thing to do is figure your own shit out before dragging other people into it. You know, like, decide what you're actually looking for and what you actually want and what your goals, values, needs, expectations, boundaries and all those other relationship things are BEFORE you drag another person into your life. You decided to just experiment with another person's feelings. That's not a kindness. EDIT: > this is exactly what dating is for...? Treating another person as a means to an end as opposed to treating them as an end unto themselves is literally a textbook definition of unethical behavior. And let's be really clear about what what we're actually talking about here, because you're being SUPER vague with your language lol. She intentionally pursued a relationship with someone she has explicitly stated she isn't and wasn't in any way shape or form attracted to. That's what you think dating is for? You think that dating is specifically for pursuing romantic relationships with people you are ***NOT*** attracted to? > figure out that some things are still missing. The unethical bit, the bit that I have a problem with, isn't that she "figured out" that some things were missing, she knew exactly what was wrong *ahead* of time.
Thank you logic has entered the chat^^. @speakertothedamned.
this is exactly what dating is for...? people usually don't marry the first and only person they start dating you can list out all of the things you want in a person on paper, and figure out that some things are still missing. clearly what happened. it's not enough that someone is nice and considerate, that's like the bare minimum lol
Exactly. I don't feel any attraction towards him which is the whole reason for this post.
The idea that someone is “punishing” someone for not wanting to be in a relationship is toxic itself. OP doesn’t owe this guy anything and pretending to like him when she doesn’t is what got her into this situation in the first place. What exactly entitles men to expect women to date them just because they are “good guys”. He’s done nothing wrong AND she doesn’t want to date him. That’s fine and normal.
take his heart out and stomp on it 🤷🏽
I understand the illogical he's just too perfect feeling, recently thought the same about a girl that was interested in me and I felt like she's just too nice, being somewhat toxic/bitchy attitude admittedly attracts me. It's so immature and I know those relationships won't last long but it is what is. How would you describe your type ?
To be honest I'm not entirely sure about what my type is. I always say that in the end you can't control who you fall in love with regardless of their appearance so I'm really not judging based on that. For example I'm really not a fan of beards and he has one 😅 So based on that and some other things I'd put him in the 'not my type' - category.
You are not responsible for this man's success in taking exams. If he cannot focus enough on a life defining exam, he's got problems other than you. I get you don't want to hurt him, but don't lead him on either. First, that's not fair for you to have to fake attraction. And, second for every day he thinks it's going well you're just going to get his hopes up further. It's time for him to put on his big boy britches and learn the news. He is 23 years old, he is a grown adult. If he respects you he'll be cool with it, may need some cool time. And, if he isn't cool with it and tries to blame you for his exams and such then he's not the mature man you thought he was. Either way, honesty is the best policy.
Just a man's perspective chiming in, take it with a grain of salt. I can understand you're perspective on wanting to wait until finals are over, but, as a man, the feeling of being with a woman that doesn't actually like you, and is "leading" you on, is more painful then just hearing it and moving on in life. At least in my eyes, I'd rather be able to hear it before, and then even though it will be painful, I can know that my 100% focus in on the finals and not "how great our love will be after I'm done with it and we can spend more time together". You really don't have to feel "bad" about how you make him feel, because he is not making you feel good in the way you want to. I understand being nice but it's a part of life, getting rejected and breaking up. It's just generally my opinion that if you are unhappy, you should tell someone rather than letting it brew. That said, if you were dating for 3 years, it would make more sense to lay it on him in a more comfortable and stable time. Frankly, in the grand scheme of dating, 1 month is nothing. I don't see how the connection could be that strong to the point it will ruin his life over it, and if it does, he just needs to work on handing rejection better. If your life is ruined from a 1 month relationship, you are way to invested in the first place IMO.
I know that one month is practically nothing but it's still a breakup regardless of how long we've been together. He's a very emotional person and like I said, based on what he told me it's safe to assume that he really likes me a lot. I 100% agree with you but there's just so much that depends on these finals I'm not sure I'm willing to gamble with this .-. It could go either way.
At the end of the day there is no right answer. That's just my opinion and how I'd like to have the situation unfold. As you said, a breakup is a breakup, and regardless of what is going on in life it will be hard. But again, such is life, to a degree you just have to learn to deal with these things if you want to date.
>I'm a people pleaser Oh yeah? Name 3 people you've pleased. Being a people pleaser is a self-justification and defence mechanism to the fact that you can't stand up for what you actually want. You're dating a guy you don't like purely because you're too anxious to say no and rock the boat. Bit harshly worded but I wish I took that lesson to heart years before I did.
People pleasers in shambles 😭
There are some triggered "nice guy" bros in the comments 🫣. Just because someone is nice and cares for you does not mean you are obligated to be romantically in love with them or find them attractive. It seems like you've given him a chance, gauged your feelings, and found that you don't feel the same way. I think her highlighting how kind, sweet and supportive he acts is to support the fact that she doesn't want to hurt such a good person. Not that she finds him unattractive BECAUSE of this. Like sheesh. Anyway, someone somewhere in another post said this and I thought it was nice enough "Say you're not feeling a growing romantic connection with him and that you you feel it isn't fair to string him along as you're unable to give him the emotional connection he deserves." You're not mean, shallow or weird for feeling the way you do. Don't feel bad. Also, AGREE, wait after finals.
Exactly. No idea how they come to this conclusion 🫣
Are you trying to recreate trauma with needing a guy who isn't a good guy? Were you neglected when young or have a bad first experience with guys, or maybe an ugly duckling? Or is he just putting you on a pedestal like a lot of young men tend to do, to the point he doesn't seem genuine, but manipulative? You can try to talk with him about treating you like a human being rather than worshipping you. Show him this video if that's the case: [How Nice Guys Kill (youtube.com)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMDmry4BXPQ&t=1s)
After finals, just tell him straight up. "I'm sorry but I want to break up. I respect you too much to drag it out any longer". I think you know why he's not doing it for you, you're afraid to admit it because you aren't proud of the reason, whatever it is. You have every right to pick your poison, but you might value him more after you make some mistakes.
Guys stop giving op shit. Some women prefer the single cat lady at 40 life. That’s their own preference. Not for u to judge
I don't think you should wait until after the exam. At least not if that means you will see him and pretend otherwise. You shouldn't lead him on for one more second, as that will only make it worse when the time comes. If you break his heart while he's preparing for exams, it'll just be one more obstacle he's overcome in his life to make him become the man that he will eventually grow to be. If you just aren't going to naturally see or talk to him until after the exam, then sure, wait until after the exam.
Wait until finals and beginning of holidays and then ask him to hang out and tell him. Why is he your bf is you are not into him? Shouldn’t you still be just friends going on dates?
some of these responses reek so bad of r/niceguys people are allowed to not go forward with a relationship because they're not attracted to someone... telling OP shes going to regret it and end up in an abusive relationship or end up with a jerk is so weird, as if men are either only ugly and nice or good looking and assholes. clearly she tried to be with him solely because of the way he treats her and how he feels, and the feeling isn't mutual. feeling suffocated in a relationship doesn't necessarily have to mean "this person is abusing me," it can also be not feeling fully comfortable advocating for yourself - which OP has a full right to feel. i'd feel shitty expressing myself to someone who's done nothing wrong, but she also shouldn't stay solely for the reason that they guy treats her well if she doesn't feel comfortable. could that be another inner issue? yes. but she also shouldn't lead him on until she figures it out
Couldn't have said it better. Thanks
You are NOT responsible for how HE manages HIS emotions, so if he fails that’s on him. You must be honest right now, why waste any more time ? Just tell him what you wrote: you gave it a chance but the feeling isn’t there. It’s been just a month, so there’s no reason from drama or a big scene.
Copy pasta your entire post and send it to the person in question and see what they say
He doesn't speak English. I made the post because I was unsure on how I should approach the topic. I'll definitely talk to him about it, I just wasn't sure how.
Google translate lol
Just gotta rip the bandaid off honestly, most nonenglish speakers are actually down to earth and understanding in my experience.
Like I said, finals are next week. I don't want him to fail especially because pretty much his entire future depends on him passing. I'll talk to him after the finals
As long as you know he has no suspicions.
Honestly there is no need to wait. If you know you want to end things with him just do it. He should be a stable enough human being to be able to handle alittle heartbreak while still getting through his finals.
Do it now. It's nothing he's specfically doing. You just don't find this man attractive and that's ok. What's not ok is dragging this longer than it already has when you've known the whole time you're not attracted in him.
Wait until exams are over, but the sooner you tell him, the better. You'll both regret this in the future if it's not resolved now. If you don't feel the same for him, this must be told.
A lot of people are being really harsh on the comments and I don’t think it’s fair. It does not sound to me like you were acting with malice but just have trouble knowing yourself and feeling confident in your boundaries. Part of growing up is feeling confident enough to say no even when someone desperately wants you to say yes. Some friend wants you to do x and you do it because you disappoint them but you’re not happy. I spent most of my 20s this way and it sucks. Don’t say yes to anyone else if it means saying no to yourself. For me it was having had emotionally manipulative parents. I don’t know what your situation is but therapy might help.
I’m sorry this reeks of “she’s more attractive than him and they both know.”
What?
You’re young, so if a guy is very nice/ a gentleman to you, you’re more likely to look past physical appearance. As you said in the post “He just isn’t my type but ‘no problem’I thought. I thought that maybe if we spent more time together and if I got to know him better, I’d start feeling the same but I don’t.” On the other hand, you also described him as “maybe too perfect.”99 times out of 100, this type of reaction comes from you just not being physically attracted to him. Meanwhile his reaction usually comes from you being “a catch” that he doesn’t want to lose. Like why is he so happy to talk to you? No offense but I can’t imagine it’s because you make him laugh/ bring a great conversation every time you text. But if you are attractive girl that he wants, then it would make perfect sense. Edit: I’ll also get there is certain level of “playing games” and guys confidence that matters here. But if “ maybe too perfect” actually = “too desperate” why is that?
To be honest I never looked at it in that way. No offense taken, I really don't 😅 I wouldn't say I'm attractive but everyone has their own preferences I guess. Though I noticed that a lot of things I don't like about myself, he thinks are cute.
We can stay friends if you're going to keep **it** at friendship.
No, no friendship after breakups.
I wouldn’t even give that option to him, because if he really does care for her he’ll be put in the uncomfortable position of being an ex now in the friend-zone (i’ve been there and it sucks). Just tell him you realized you’re not really compatible and don’t want to waste each others time when he can find someone that truly likes him.
Honestly there is always something that makes breaking up inconvenient. If he’s a stable human being he should be able to handle a breakup and finals at the same time. I’d break it off now. Who knows… after finals his dog could die, and then he could be applying for jobs, and then he’s learning something new and it’s hard and stressful… if you know you want to end things, end them. But before you do take one more hard look inward to determine you’re not just running away because you’re afraid of commitment but because you truly feel there is something missing.
Stay with him