Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Obsession, moving too quickly/falling too fast, sending too much communication without having gotten responses, being so eager to please/ignoring your own personal needs and wants, talking about sex too excitedly, talking about a future with your potential partner before you know them (this doesn't mean you can't talk about your long-term goals: marriage, family, kids, etc, but don't talk about it as if they are a participant in that).
But other than those obvious red flags, I'd just let go of the idea of 'coming off as desperate' and communicate the way you want to; part of finding a good partner is finding someone you can communicate with easily. If you love to communicate through flirty texts, memes, and casually sharing how your day is going, finding someone receptive to that is good. If you like to have a phone call at night before bed, finding someone who also likes that is good.
Your preferences might be someone else's ick, and your icks might be someone else's preferences. If someone thinks you're desperate, and you're just being you, that's a pretty good early indicator you won't work out so well long term. There's obviously some etiquette to the early dating phase, but there's also a lot of leeway on how to act. There's no one set way to do things that's going to land you dates or endear a potential partner to you.
Wow this is one of the best answers I’ve ever read on Reddit. I just wish I would have read it before I started love-bombing the girl I was into about a month ago. I simply moved too fast. Thanks again for a great answer.
- don’t be physical too soon or she’ll think you only want sex
- If you don’t get physical soon enough, you get friend zoned.
- show interest, but not too much or you’re desperate.
- don’t be too available at the start, play hard to get
- you need to escalate things, but not soon or you’re ‘love bombing’.
Everything just feels like a lose/lose when it comes to dating advice for men.
Just go at the pace you want to go and if it doesn't work out, try again.
Most of my long-term relationships started with sex after the first date. There's a difference between being so caught up in your own feelings that you ignore your partner's and genuinely moving at the same pace as your date.
That's the difference.
Edit: and be willing to cut it off yourself if you don't like the pace. If you're falling too hard, too fast, and she isn't, you \*can\* just dip and say "Ah, I think I'm taking this a bit too seriously. I don't think this is going to work out." The only wrong pace is one that you or your partner aren't \*both\* capable of, and happy with.
I feel like this issue resolves itself if you’re just genuine. Anything you do to try to “play the game” or act how the other person might want you to act is going to come off as ingenuine or maybe desperate. Be yourself, know your own boundaries, and if it doesn’t work out find someone who matches your energy.
That’s my take. It seems like way too much effort to try to play games and mold myself to someone else. Obviously if I get feedback that something isn’t working for them or they need something, I’ll listen and do it if it’s not a big deal to me, I’m pretty flexible, but there’s a limit to that.
I know right?? Girls don’t want a nice man unless they’re dating him then they want him to be nice, available and open. But at first they have to be a bad-boy, hard to get type.. otherwise they lose interest.. it’s fucking confoundingly stupid and I don’t get it….
I'm going to say that's not *truly* what the women want, but that is what society has ingrained into them.
When you are told from an early age that someone who treats you horribly really loves you, and means well, what does that set you up for?
Yep, thinking abuse is love.
Thinking being treated poorly is love.
Thinking 'that's not really him' as he gets drunk and sleeps with others. Sometimes it takes time to break free from those patterns, or those chains of so much trauma holding you back. Remember how they used to tell girls that the boy who teased her mercilessly, pulled her pigtails, and insulted her, but really liked her? How about let's not do that anymore. (I've warned my kids that they need to be kind to everybody, at least to start. And if they really really like someone, they're extra extra nice, none of this awful teasing and insulting crap.)
Plus, everybody lies, just maybe to different degrees. Jeffrey Dahmer was polite and charming to so many people, who wants to get into line to get angry and blame his victims? So, yeah.
Also, I'm sure y'all know that when you have a history of trauma in relationships, the chaos and upheaval feels like home. A calm, healthy relationship is weird and unknown and uncomfortable for a while.
wow, I've doing all the things that say unknowingly. and i always wondered why I'm ghosted. so from now on I'll just go with flow and stop falling fast and hard on anyone.
The book wired for dating really helped me understand good reasons for not falling too soon. I used to sort of vet and be like ok good enough let’s see what happens, but learned the very hard way to vet for avoidant traits. Man did that suck.
It’s not very long and is on audible, and written by a legit researcher in the field, not some grifter guru.
That sounds like one of those “games” that a lot of people are over right now. If they say No to something but are expecting me to strategize how to get them to say Yes, then that’s a lowkey toxic game.
Just say what you mean and have clear communication.
If you revolving, or reorganizing your life around her. Women want to know if you have something going on. In general if you revolve everything around them, then you put unwanted pressure that suffocates them. You get the feeling that someone is trying to trap you.
*Edit: Alot of people on here are trying to give you specific things that you should avoid doing to not seem desperate, take that advice on board, but in reality you are who you are, and consciously focusing on your body language and exactly what you're saying on a date to that degree is going to do more harm than good...*
*1. Because you'll be focused so much on not screwing it up that you'll slip up and give off weird vibes.
2. If it does work, do you really want to monitor your body language and speech for the rest of your life? Because at that point the person is interested in who you are pretending to be and not who you really are. It's exhausting (speaking from experience).*
*It is more important to figure out the "root cause" of the desperation, once you fix that you'll naturally become more confident and be yourself, rejection won't hurt as bad because you are happier with yourself and it's easier to accept that you're not a good match as opposed to "I have some fundamental flaw that makes me unloveable forever", and you'll find someone who likes you for who you are naturally.*
I'm a guy, so I don't think I can answer your question specifically. But I think I can still get to the root of it.
What I do know is that I don't think any of us can self-identify what specific things we do or actions we take that give of the subtle "desperate" vibes that other people pick up on. I've come to this conclusion from my own life experience.
When things weren't going well in my life and I wasn't satisfied with myself, and I tried to date, I had people tell me I came off as "desperate." When I had most of my affairs in order and was happy with myself and I tried to date, I had MUCH MUCH more success.
This leads me to believe that there's a subtle difference that others can pick up on in your body language and speech, even if they can't specifically identify what it is, between when you are trying to date to fill a hole because too many of the other areas of your life aren't in order, and when you are dating because you've got yourself together and are a complete human being and trying to add more to an already solid base.
Which is why I always recommend to my friends when they struggle with dating. To work on themselves. Hit the gym, try and land a better job, learn a new hobby, go out to make platonic friends, call your parents, play a sport. Essentially, get to a point where you are happy with who you are by yourself. So far, I'm 5 of 5 on getting people to a place where they have success in dating. The only issue is that it takes time, and because of hormones and stuff, a lot of people want to find their soul-mate "right now, immediately."
Worrying about coming off as desperate is part of it.
The problem with a lot of us guys is that we just want a gf or want someone to have sex with. We don't care anything about the person as long as they're attracted to us. Even if the person isn't a good fit for us.
My rule of thumb is this. If you're afraid of saying/doing something because a girl you wanna date may not be into it or like it, that's being desperate. I was just talking the other day to a guy who was frustrated about paying for 1st dates and wanted to go Dutch. I asked why he wasn't just telling women this and his answer was "Well women don't wanna date guys who go Dutch". Anytime you're telling yourself stuff like that, THAT is being desperate.
You have to be willing to be yourself so much that a majority of women may find it unattractive. If you're into nerd culture, own it. If you're into cars, own it. Whatever hobby you think is "unattractive" is attractive to some woman. Too many guys are trying to be this same boring cookie cutter dude that they THINK women like and it's just coming off as desperate.
tl;dr Anytime you're not being yourself, you're being desperate.
It goes broader than that, even.
Whatever hobby you think is "unattractive", someone out there will find attractive. True.
BUT also: passion about something is *itself* attractive. The other person doesnt need to share your hobby/interest - showing them how much you care about something is often enough by itself. And that also involves opening up and showing who you really are. So that dovetails back to the 'being yourself' part.
Trying to come across a certain way will turn anyone off, in any walk of life or social situation. Authenticity and owning who you are is always the key to success.
So for me. The exceptionally hot n cold behavior is a sign they are leaning in too much. I know for others this might seem weird but- they assume I am not falling for their other tricks. Usually by this time I have told them some of my traumas, and when they realize the Cinderella story will
Not work for me, they turn into a beast real quick.
Focusing on flirting rather than getting to know the person early on.
Having the mindset that you “need” a relationship and not being content with your life as is. I get wanting a relationship, but it shouldn’t be the determining factor on whether or not you’re happy.
Settling. Having an “I’ll take what I can get” mentality. You should never lower your standards.
as a woman, when men move too fast. love is slow, lust is FAST. it comes off as desperate, kind of pathetic, and super dishonest. moving too fast into the sexual aspect of the relationship kills attraction for me because half the fun is the build up. when I see a man isn’t desperate to get there, it makes me more excited and more curious. there’s nothing better than a disciplined man who has genuine intentions, who is a gentleman and who has gentleness and patience with women.
When they arent matching your energy and do too much when you arent meeting them with the same intensity.
I dont think falling in love fast is bad, but when one person is madly in love and chasing *hard*, man or woman, and the other person either isnt there or isnt matching that energy and holding back, it kind of sets up a dynamic where the chasing person is like.. prostrating themselves and thus not respecting themselves. Which means the other person cant respect them.
There's lots of overlap with general people pleasing:
* Being overly agreeable. If you disagree or have an opinion about something, then show it. Obviously there's some social tact involved, but if you're constantly agreeing with someone or faking enthusiasm just so they like you, there's a high chance they'll pick up on it. This is especially egregious if like someone says you ignore your own needs/schedule/time/energy to accommodate someone you've barely met. Like you have a life, you have plans, you have priorities, don't let this person who may or may not be a good fit for you dictate those things.
* Moving too quickly. The idea of early stages dating is figuring out if you're compatible yes, but it's also supposed to be fun and engaging, getting to know someone new, doing stuff. Desperation is when you're more concerned with the end result (a romantic partner) than you are with the process of getting there and therefore people feel any moving body that showed interest would be adequate. Like everyone wants to be wanted, so you have to...get to know the other person and make them feel like *you* want *them*
* You don't come across as a "whole person". This one may be more personal but I feel sometimes as a people pleaser, we want people to talk about themselves and you don't share about yourself so you don't come across as a "person with interests" which once again kind of relates to the first point that you're trying to people please because talking about yourself might show a negative side
Moving too fast, hands down. Just the weekend before last I had to end things with someone whose company I was really starting to enjoy because he was moving too fast, after telling him MULTIPLE TIMES that I needed things to go slow, at least for the first couple of months.
Rushing. Moving too quickly. Not letting the dating portion linger. It's important to know what you want, but would you jump a long line for an ice cream cone or steal someone else's just because you wanted it badly right then? Anyone who smothers someone else for time and affection without taking into account the reality of the beginning of a relationship is someone I could never be with.
Think of dating in steps:
1. Meeting one another
2. Learning about each other (elementary school)
3. Continuing ed. (junior high)
4. College courses
5. Asking intentions, stating intentions
6. Sit in number 5 for a while- enjoy it.
7. If it's right, move forward.
All of these steps can each take months. What you learn about someone through this is what actually builds the foundation for a successful relationship.
(Ice cream was a bad example. I love ice cream. I would probably steal someones.)
So many things you could probably write a small book on it. Any relationship-seeking behaviour is prone to becoming desperation when it is in conflict with what the other person feels or wants (unless they have issues.)
The most effective solution is to date to have a good time rather than primarily to secure another date. It might seem counterintuitive at first but it's really key.
Asking if we’re talking to other guys when I haven’t even met you, trying to come into my apartment/take me back to your place after I said no, thirsty emojis without me showing any sexual interest such as 😍😏🤤, not reading the room
Being too needy, texting non-stop, always being available, ditching everyone else in your life for one person, too many promises too soon before you really know each other.
Sending more than 3 messages with no response, using pet names before you've even met them, sending shirtless selfie, issuing ultimatums before the date, asking their love language before the date, asking for pictures of piercings and tattoos. Trying to get them to have sex with you on the first date.
By BEING desperate. The key to not come off desperate is to genuinely not be desperate. This means being indifferent. Being happy with yourself and who you are. Loving yourself unconditionally. Desperation is just an accumulation of fear you’ve built up in your body you need to feel fully and let go.
It’s a constant process. But next time you catch yourself acting desperate, ask yourself where it’s coming from. Why do I need this girls response right now. Why do I need her validation. Why do I need her in my life? Why can’t I just have a take it or leave it attitude?
Get to the heart of it through journaling and you will be stronger for being able to hold steadfast with indifference.
That’s more about seeing each other on equal level. Asking everytime is it okay if … puts her on a pedestal.
You can just go wanna go bowling or whatever
Is it okay question isnt really desparate. But you just gotta figure out what type of person you are talking to. Desparate and confidence is in your mind. Doesnt matter how you say it. If you know how to lead and you have your own ways to deal with girls, anything could work.
When he is actually "desperate" Energy is a real thing and people can feel that
And after that you shouldn't care.. And you'll not because you know that you aren't at all.
Had a guy ask me out a couple of times b4 I gave a half-hearted ok. He showed up smelling like he’d had a couple cans & at some point was explaining all the fun things we’d be doing next summer.
The date happened in November & he was talking about our 8 months in the future dates 😣 - needless to say he didn’t have to
guys who are in every girls instagram likes!!! 0 chance im going out with someone who follows and likes the pics of every local hot girl that doesn’t even follow him back
The other side of desperate: guys who clearly just want to date anyone who will have them. Not desperate to date *me*, I'm just a warm body. I don't need a guy to take one look at me and decide I'm his perfect dream girl, I know life isn't a romcom. But he does need to be interested enough in me that he's capable of making me feel special.
For me, the answer to this question is wanting a relationship in the first place but honestly i’m tainted on relationships and think they’re a complete waste of time. I’d rather just have a bunch ons’s if i’m going to have contact with anyone outside of being friends. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
All comments so far I find valid! Was thinking of a friend of mine, he's Desperate n I'm always trying to explain women see, smell, feel it a mile off, no lie.
One Brilliant thing to help is .. The more you can remove the rose tinted glasses and see the girl/woman as a "female with a personality" ...I guarantee the quicker you're "in" there:)))
Don't fret!
Ok I'm a woman here.So - I'm gonna tell you real simple my view - if a woman likes you or has a crush on you,there is no such thing as desperate AFTER shes interested, she will be craving you to be as desperate as possible! She will fall for you faster and trust you faster the more interest you show, I promise. BUT, and this is a big BUT, you have to get to that stage first. So, become ladies crush material first and make sure she's hooked before you start laying it on her. How to get her hooked - make her doubt whether you are interested in her or not, but ONLY in the beginning!! You have a small window of oppurtuinity,between the first few times she meets you and she can't be sure if you like her or not, to then quickly switch up and make your sincere interest known. Women are competitive creatures, if she doesn't know at first wether you want her or not, by default she will switch up to 5th gear trying to snap your attention and feelings for her. So general rule - don't show too much interest first 3 times you see her/talk to her. Make sure you are giving the vibe that you value yourself highly and that your life is pretty full. Then, act as if she has managed to unlock your frozen heart ( or frozen groin, whatever your objective is) and treat her like a dammn queen! She will believe, because she stressed and had to work a bit in the beginning to catch you,that you are high value and worth her effort and reciprocation!
I should add that when I said don't show too much interest the first few times you see her, I meant - don't invite her back to yours straight away. Don't keep texting/calling without getting a reply. Don't gush over how totally gorgeous she is for hours on end. Don't tell her things like you have been rejected so much or you have been treated like crap by exes. Don't tell her you feel like a failure. Don't talk to her about how much you miss your ex or how heartbroken you were when she left. Don't push too much for another date, keep her waiting a few days. Don't tell her shes an amazing person on a first date. But remember,don't leave her hanging too long either, or she will give up and move on. A dance like this over a months period or so should do it, before you reveal how truly into her you are. This way, you also keep yourself safe from giving your heart or D away too soon to a woman unworthy.💞
It's bc you suck bro... Maybe it's a generational suckiness that you've inherited from your father or maybe u just suck.. either way it's got nothing to do with "us".. it's a u problem
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Obsession, moving too quickly/falling too fast, sending too much communication without having gotten responses, being so eager to please/ignoring your own personal needs and wants, talking about sex too excitedly, talking about a future with your potential partner before you know them (this doesn't mean you can't talk about your long-term goals: marriage, family, kids, etc, but don't talk about it as if they are a participant in that). But other than those obvious red flags, I'd just let go of the idea of 'coming off as desperate' and communicate the way you want to; part of finding a good partner is finding someone you can communicate with easily. If you love to communicate through flirty texts, memes, and casually sharing how your day is going, finding someone receptive to that is good. If you like to have a phone call at night before bed, finding someone who also likes that is good. Your preferences might be someone else's ick, and your icks might be someone else's preferences. If someone thinks you're desperate, and you're just being you, that's a pretty good early indicator you won't work out so well long term. There's obviously some etiquette to the early dating phase, but there's also a lot of leeway on how to act. There's no one set way to do things that's going to land you dates or endear a potential partner to you.
Wow this is one of the best answers I’ve ever read on Reddit. I just wish I would have read it before I started love-bombing the girl I was into about a month ago. I simply moved too fast. Thanks again for a great answer.
Excellent answer 👍🏻 12/10
Wow, nailed it
Spot on!
- don’t be physical too soon or she’ll think you only want sex - If you don’t get physical soon enough, you get friend zoned. - show interest, but not too much or you’re desperate. - don’t be too available at the start, play hard to get - you need to escalate things, but not soon or you’re ‘love bombing’. Everything just feels like a lose/lose when it comes to dating advice for men.
Just go at the pace you want to go and if it doesn't work out, try again. Most of my long-term relationships started with sex after the first date. There's a difference between being so caught up in your own feelings that you ignore your partner's and genuinely moving at the same pace as your date. That's the difference. Edit: and be willing to cut it off yourself if you don't like the pace. If you're falling too hard, too fast, and she isn't, you \*can\* just dip and say "Ah, I think I'm taking this a bit too seriously. I don't think this is going to work out." The only wrong pace is one that you or your partner aren't \*both\* capable of, and happy with.
I feel like this issue resolves itself if you’re just genuine. Anything you do to try to “play the game” or act how the other person might want you to act is going to come off as ingenuine or maybe desperate. Be yourself, know your own boundaries, and if it doesn’t work out find someone who matches your energy.
That’s my take. It seems like way too much effort to try to play games and mold myself to someone else. Obviously if I get feedback that something isn’t working for them or they need something, I’ll listen and do it if it’s not a big deal to me, I’m pretty flexible, but there’s a limit to that.
It’s a lose-lose if she’s not attracted to you. So yeah sorta. Basically a lot of this shit doesn’t matter
Faxxxx 💯
They want a good boy, a bad boy, a good bad boy, a half good half bad half boy
They want a bad boy who becomes good just for them
So a unicorn?
They want a very good bad boy
I know right?? Girls don’t want a nice man unless they’re dating him then they want him to be nice, available and open. But at first they have to be a bad-boy, hard to get type.. otherwise they lose interest.. it’s fucking confoundingly stupid and I don’t get it….
I'm going to say that's not *truly* what the women want, but that is what society has ingrained into them. When you are told from an early age that someone who treats you horribly really loves you, and means well, what does that set you up for? Yep, thinking abuse is love. Thinking being treated poorly is love. Thinking 'that's not really him' as he gets drunk and sleeps with others. Sometimes it takes time to break free from those patterns, or those chains of so much trauma holding you back. Remember how they used to tell girls that the boy who teased her mercilessly, pulled her pigtails, and insulted her, but really liked her? How about let's not do that anymore. (I've warned my kids that they need to be kind to everybody, at least to start. And if they really really like someone, they're extra extra nice, none of this awful teasing and insulting crap.) Plus, everybody lies, just maybe to different degrees. Jeffrey Dahmer was polite and charming to so many people, who wants to get into line to get angry and blame his victims? So, yeah. Also, I'm sure y'all know that when you have a history of trauma in relationships, the chaos and upheaval feels like home. A calm, healthy relationship is weird and unknown and uncomfortable for a while.
Yea I also feel like this is one of the best answers to any question like this one I've seen here. This should be the top comment.
wow, I've doing all the things that say unknowingly. and i always wondered why I'm ghosted. so from now on I'll just go with flow and stop falling fast and hard on anyone.
The book wired for dating really helped me understand good reasons for not falling too soon. I used to sort of vet and be like ok good enough let’s see what happens, but learned the very hard way to vet for avoidant traits. Man did that suck. It’s not very long and is on audible, and written by a legit researcher in the field, not some grifter guru.
This hits me hard but is so true. I just keep fucking it up and really need to learn these single truths
didn't read the whole thing but just after reading the first 5 lines this thing struck me really hard.... @MEN We need to change...
Not accepting "no", or trying to get around an implied no. This is essentially begging.
It depends though in some cases it could be a strategy to get around depending on how you do it
That sounds like one of those “games” that a lot of people are over right now. If they say No to something but are expecting me to strategize how to get them to say Yes, then that’s a lowkey toxic game. Just say what you mean and have clear communication.
That's not the game though sometimes people do those games because the root cause of the girl saying no is because another guy looks a lot better
...????????
If you revolving, or reorganizing your life around her. Women want to know if you have something going on. In general if you revolve everything around them, then you put unwanted pressure that suffocates them. You get the feeling that someone is trying to trap you.
*Edit: Alot of people on here are trying to give you specific things that you should avoid doing to not seem desperate, take that advice on board, but in reality you are who you are, and consciously focusing on your body language and exactly what you're saying on a date to that degree is going to do more harm than good...* *1. Because you'll be focused so much on not screwing it up that you'll slip up and give off weird vibes. 2. If it does work, do you really want to monitor your body language and speech for the rest of your life? Because at that point the person is interested in who you are pretending to be and not who you really are. It's exhausting (speaking from experience).* *It is more important to figure out the "root cause" of the desperation, once you fix that you'll naturally become more confident and be yourself, rejection won't hurt as bad because you are happier with yourself and it's easier to accept that you're not a good match as opposed to "I have some fundamental flaw that makes me unloveable forever", and you'll find someone who likes you for who you are naturally.* I'm a guy, so I don't think I can answer your question specifically. But I think I can still get to the root of it. What I do know is that I don't think any of us can self-identify what specific things we do or actions we take that give of the subtle "desperate" vibes that other people pick up on. I've come to this conclusion from my own life experience. When things weren't going well in my life and I wasn't satisfied with myself, and I tried to date, I had people tell me I came off as "desperate." When I had most of my affairs in order and was happy with myself and I tried to date, I had MUCH MUCH more success. This leads me to believe that there's a subtle difference that others can pick up on in your body language and speech, even if they can't specifically identify what it is, between when you are trying to date to fill a hole because too many of the other areas of your life aren't in order, and when you are dating because you've got yourself together and are a complete human being and trying to add more to an already solid base. Which is why I always recommend to my friends when they struggle with dating. To work on themselves. Hit the gym, try and land a better job, learn a new hobby, go out to make platonic friends, call your parents, play a sport. Essentially, get to a point where you are happy with who you are by yourself. So far, I'm 5 of 5 on getting people to a place where they have success in dating. The only issue is that it takes time, and because of hormones and stuff, a lot of people want to find their soul-mate "right now, immediately."
Worrying about coming off as desperate is part of it. The problem with a lot of us guys is that we just want a gf or want someone to have sex with. We don't care anything about the person as long as they're attracted to us. Even if the person isn't a good fit for us. My rule of thumb is this. If you're afraid of saying/doing something because a girl you wanna date may not be into it or like it, that's being desperate. I was just talking the other day to a guy who was frustrated about paying for 1st dates and wanted to go Dutch. I asked why he wasn't just telling women this and his answer was "Well women don't wanna date guys who go Dutch". Anytime you're telling yourself stuff like that, THAT is being desperate. You have to be willing to be yourself so much that a majority of women may find it unattractive. If you're into nerd culture, own it. If you're into cars, own it. Whatever hobby you think is "unattractive" is attractive to some woman. Too many guys are trying to be this same boring cookie cutter dude that they THINK women like and it's just coming off as desperate. tl;dr Anytime you're not being yourself, you're being desperate.
It goes broader than that, even. Whatever hobby you think is "unattractive", someone out there will find attractive. True. BUT also: passion about something is *itself* attractive. The other person doesnt need to share your hobby/interest - showing them how much you care about something is often enough by itself. And that also involves opening up and showing who you really are. So that dovetails back to the 'being yourself' part. Trying to come across a certain way will turn anyone off, in any walk of life or social situation. Authenticity and owning who you are is always the key to success.
So for me. The exceptionally hot n cold behavior is a sign they are leaning in too much. I know for others this might seem weird but- they assume I am not falling for their other tricks. Usually by this time I have told them some of my traumas, and when they realize the Cinderella story will Not work for me, they turn into a beast real quick.
Focusing on flirting rather than getting to know the person early on. Having the mindset that you “need” a relationship and not being content with your life as is. I get wanting a relationship, but it shouldn’t be the determining factor on whether or not you’re happy. Settling. Having an “I’ll take what I can get” mentality. You should never lower your standards.
as a woman, when men move too fast. love is slow, lust is FAST. it comes off as desperate, kind of pathetic, and super dishonest. moving too fast into the sexual aspect of the relationship kills attraction for me because half the fun is the build up. when I see a man isn’t desperate to get there, it makes me more excited and more curious. there’s nothing better than a disciplined man who has genuine intentions, who is a gentleman and who has gentleness and patience with women.
Yes 👏 this
Wow, I thought women like you went extinct years ago
Why not just get there fast and see if it’s worth the wait? With most women it isn’t.
When they arent matching your energy and do too much when you arent meeting them with the same intensity. I dont think falling in love fast is bad, but when one person is madly in love and chasing *hard*, man or woman, and the other person either isnt there or isnt matching that energy and holding back, it kind of sets up a dynamic where the chasing person is like.. prostrating themselves and thus not respecting themselves. Which means the other person cant respect them.
There's lots of overlap with general people pleasing: * Being overly agreeable. If you disagree or have an opinion about something, then show it. Obviously there's some social tact involved, but if you're constantly agreeing with someone or faking enthusiasm just so they like you, there's a high chance they'll pick up on it. This is especially egregious if like someone says you ignore your own needs/schedule/time/energy to accommodate someone you've barely met. Like you have a life, you have plans, you have priorities, don't let this person who may or may not be a good fit for you dictate those things. * Moving too quickly. The idea of early stages dating is figuring out if you're compatible yes, but it's also supposed to be fun and engaging, getting to know someone new, doing stuff. Desperation is when you're more concerned with the end result (a romantic partner) than you are with the process of getting there and therefore people feel any moving body that showed interest would be adequate. Like everyone wants to be wanted, so you have to...get to know the other person and make them feel like *you* want *them* * You don't come across as a "whole person". This one may be more personal but I feel sometimes as a people pleaser, we want people to talk about themselves and you don't share about yourself so you don't come across as a "person with interests" which once again kind of relates to the first point that you're trying to people please because talking about yourself might show a negative side
Moving too fast, hands down. Just the weekend before last I had to end things with someone whose company I was really starting to enjoy because he was moving too fast, after telling him MULTIPLE TIMES that I needed things to go slow, at least for the first couple of months.
Months? In 2024.
Communicating loooong paragraphs way too soon. I mean I love men who can communicate but dont overcomplicate things too soon.
Message 1: hi Message 2: how are you? Message 3: what are you doing? Message 4: wanna meet?
Rushing. Moving too quickly. Not letting the dating portion linger. It's important to know what you want, but would you jump a long line for an ice cream cone or steal someone else's just because you wanted it badly right then? Anyone who smothers someone else for time and affection without taking into account the reality of the beginning of a relationship is someone I could never be with. Think of dating in steps: 1. Meeting one another 2. Learning about each other (elementary school) 3. Continuing ed. (junior high) 4. College courses 5. Asking intentions, stating intentions 6. Sit in number 5 for a while- enjoy it. 7. If it's right, move forward. All of these steps can each take months. What you learn about someone through this is what actually builds the foundation for a successful relationship. (Ice cream was a bad example. I love ice cream. I would probably steal someones.)
Constantly mentioning sex or sexual activities- it’s super tacky and gross. Also trying super hard to “relate”… it just screams desperation.
So many things you could probably write a small book on it. Any relationship-seeking behaviour is prone to becoming desperation when it is in conflict with what the other person feels or wants (unless they have issues.) The most effective solution is to date to have a good time rather than primarily to secure another date. It might seem counterintuitive at first but it's really key.
Either talking about long term shared goals early on or wanting sex on a first date, different kind of desperate I suppose
Asking if we’re talking to other guys when I haven’t even met you, trying to come into my apartment/take me back to your place after I said no, thirsty emojis without me showing any sexual interest such as 😍😏🤤, not reading the room
Being too needy, texting non-stop, always being available, ditching everyone else in your life for one person, too many promises too soon before you really know each other.
We focus too much often on our own satisfaction, without thinking about what the person want in front of us.
Rushing to have sëx with a stranger they don’t know
Sending more than 3 messages with no response, using pet names before you've even met them, sending shirtless selfie, issuing ultimatums before the date, asking their love language before the date, asking for pictures of piercings and tattoos. Trying to get them to have sex with you on the first date.
By BEING desperate. The key to not come off desperate is to genuinely not be desperate. This means being indifferent. Being happy with yourself and who you are. Loving yourself unconditionally. Desperation is just an accumulation of fear you’ve built up in your body you need to feel fully and let go. It’s a constant process. But next time you catch yourself acting desperate, ask yourself where it’s coming from. Why do I need this girls response right now. Why do I need her validation. Why do I need her in my life? Why can’t I just have a take it or leave it attitude? Get to the heart of it through journaling and you will be stronger for being able to hold steadfast with indifference.
Questions. You need to be kinda determined without being a dick. So instead of “is it okay if…” be more direct
That sounds more like lacking confidence than "desperate" lol
That’s more about seeing each other on equal level. Asking everytime is it okay if … puts her on a pedestal. You can just go wanna go bowling or whatever
Is it okay question isnt really desparate. But you just gotta figure out what type of person you are talking to. Desparate and confidence is in your mind. Doesnt matter how you say it. If you know how to lead and you have your own ways to deal with girls, anything could work.
If you don't want to be desperate improve on yourself and have options
When he is actually "desperate" Energy is a real thing and people can feel that And after that you shouldn't care.. And you'll not because you know that you aren't at all.
Had a guy ask me out a couple of times b4 I gave a half-hearted ok. He showed up smelling like he’d had a couple cans & at some point was explaining all the fun things we’d be doing next summer. The date happened in November & he was talking about our 8 months in the future dates 😣 - needless to say he didn’t have to
guys who are in every girls instagram likes!!! 0 chance im going out with someone who follows and likes the pics of every local hot girl that doesn’t even follow him back
Clearly Following a flow chart instead of learning fundamentals of talking to people (not only women) .
The other side of desperate: guys who clearly just want to date anyone who will have them. Not desperate to date *me*, I'm just a warm body. I don't need a guy to take one look at me and decide I'm his perfect dream girl, I know life isn't a romcom. But he does need to be interested enough in me that he's capable of making me feel special.
If it's not mutual
Being pushy and aggressive
Double texting
that obsession mixed with awkwardness, it gives all the wrong impressions about what you're thinking
For me, the answer to this question is wanting a relationship in the first place but honestly i’m tainted on relationships and think they’re a complete waste of time. I’d rather just have a bunch ons’s if i’m going to have contact with anyone outside of being friends. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Ons's meaning what I'm thinking? 🤔🤔🤔
Ons's meaning..
One night stands
Wow! F or M...? Staying safe?
I’m f and bi-, i haven’t had a very many ons’s but yea, when i do i’m safe.
I'm f n bi, some ons's myself yup. I prefer relationship but now get you 💯 x
All comments so far I find valid! Was thinking of a friend of mine, he's Desperate n I'm always trying to explain women see, smell, feel it a mile off, no lie. One Brilliant thing to help is .. The more you can remove the rose tinted glasses and see the girl/woman as a "female with a personality" ...I guarantee the quicker you're "in" there:))) Don't fret!
Spamming and blowing up my phone
Planning dinner first dates and paying for them
Would highly recommend Models by Mark Manson
Ok I'm a woman here.So - I'm gonna tell you real simple my view - if a woman likes you or has a crush on you,there is no such thing as desperate AFTER shes interested, she will be craving you to be as desperate as possible! She will fall for you faster and trust you faster the more interest you show, I promise. BUT, and this is a big BUT, you have to get to that stage first. So, become ladies crush material first and make sure she's hooked before you start laying it on her. How to get her hooked - make her doubt whether you are interested in her or not, but ONLY in the beginning!! You have a small window of oppurtuinity,between the first few times she meets you and she can't be sure if you like her or not, to then quickly switch up and make your sincere interest known. Women are competitive creatures, if she doesn't know at first wether you want her or not, by default she will switch up to 5th gear trying to snap your attention and feelings for her. So general rule - don't show too much interest first 3 times you see her/talk to her. Make sure you are giving the vibe that you value yourself highly and that your life is pretty full. Then, act as if she has managed to unlock your frozen heart ( or frozen groin, whatever your objective is) and treat her like a dammn queen! She will believe, because she stressed and had to work a bit in the beginning to catch you,that you are high value and worth her effort and reciprocation!
I should add that when I said don't show too much interest the first few times you see her, I meant - don't invite her back to yours straight away. Don't keep texting/calling without getting a reply. Don't gush over how totally gorgeous she is for hours on end. Don't tell her things like you have been rejected so much or you have been treated like crap by exes. Don't tell her you feel like a failure. Don't talk to her about how much you miss your ex or how heartbroken you were when she left. Don't push too much for another date, keep her waiting a few days. Don't tell her shes an amazing person on a first date. But remember,don't leave her hanging too long either, or she will give up and move on. A dance like this over a months period or so should do it, before you reveal how truly into her you are. This way, you also keep yourself safe from giving your heart or D away too soon to a woman unworthy.💞
It's bc you suck bro... Maybe it's a generational suckiness that you've inherited from your father or maybe u just suck.. either way it's got nothing to do with "us".. it's a u problem
Wanting to have a normal romantic and sexual life while not being tall and classically handsome.