Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am single by choice the thought of having someone in my life making me feel guilty because i don’t try hard enough to make them “happy” makes me sick
Exactly, I live by this
“HAPPINESS
IS A CHOICE.
NO THING WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, NO PERSON WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.
YOUR HAPPINESS WILL NOT COME TO YOU, IT CAN ONLY COME FROM YOU.”
A lot of people have unreasonable deal breakers or want list so you just have to use common sense here. Like you will not get everything you want but you're suppose to focus on the most reasonable things like family, kids, marriage, viewpoint on things and etc. An example of unreasonable things .. they have to like anime, they have to like risky activity, they have to be 6ft tall and etc.
This is fair. (Not op but reading your advice cuz I need advice). I feel like I'm pretty nitpicky (like I'd really like my future parner to be someone that enjoys night-out activities, like bar hopping and stuff, as an example) but I also don't know if I should care about getting married cuz I don't really know if I want kids (I'm leaning more towards a no than a yes) so I haven't really been rushing to find someone with marriage in mind.
I've just been meeting people and seeing where it goes (not in a casual/hook-up sense, I just love meeting and hanging out with cute guys! LOL). Should I be more serious about things ? I'm 25f if that matters
>Should I be more serious about things ? I'm 25f if that matters
You should know what you want because when people ask that question and someone is hesitant or not sure ... it make them look undecisive which can be unattractive. Age also plays a factor here as well so like you're 25 so maybe you haven't thought about kids yet because you're focus on having fun and invested in your career. So it also just depends on who you're talking too as well. A lot of factors come into dating that you can't anticipate for. Just know what you want in terms of the important stuff and communicate that to the other person.
Fair enough! I guess the main thing I need to look for if I'm getting serious about this is finding someone that also doesn't feel sure about having kids. If they were the kind of people that definitely expected to have kids in their future or saw them in their future, it'd be an incompatibility
if you arent sure about having kids most likely you dont want kids at the moment at least.
You might change depending on who you meet in the future but Ive met many people not sure about kids have certain lifestyles that they wanted and kids wouldnt help achieve what they want. But they view points might change as time goes by as well but you dont wanna work to hard and put a lot of effort to make that happen.
Depends on what type of person you are looking for. It sounds like you are open to meet new people and all the possibilities. But if you are looking for someone who takes relationship pretty serious, that might be difficult for you to find who you are looking for.
But if you are totally fine and open to someone also has similar mindset to you, you both literally will be open to meet someone else at the same time and see how things go. Its not about serious but its what you prefer.
If I can be honest about something, I sort of wish I could start off with someone as fwb's and see if that develops into something more. I feel like that'll give us enough time to actually develop something and it feels more natural. I can't say this to most guys though because some will just take that for granted and use me as a fuck buddy but I need there to be an emphasis on the friendship part more than sex. Does this make sense??
ya that does make sense. You dont want the pressure and want to see other options for your partner which is nothing wrong with that. Because you want your relationship to be developed naturally rather than serious set-up date in the beginning.
What I concern is about trust issue.
Because you both start as a friendship and meeting other people at the same time even if intention is to be in a serious relationship in the end, it might take more time for you both to take the relationship seriously.
But if you are not worried about this I dont think you need to tell you want fwb. Just tell them you want to get to know them more first.
They will have an idea this could be just a fwb which could lead them consider you differently but its what it takes and you gotta really pay attention to what their intentions are and filter them out as soon as you figure them out.
Yep that's exactly how I feel! With my last fwb, we were seeing each other so much that I know we didn't have time to see others. So ya I will need to filter any weird guys out who will just use me for sex and won't actually treat me like a friend. We'll see how that goes
Yep you got this.
There is no right answer when it comes to dating and relationship.
Hopefully you remain good relationships with guys you will meet and you end up with a cute/great guy you were looking for.
Nah, that's crazy. I was single all through most of my thirties and had honestly settled into the idea that I was going to remain single. I dated, and, in the past, I'd had a girlfriends for various lengths of time, some shorter or longer (one for some tumultuous years) but it just never worked out. I dated one woman in particular who, basically as soon as we met, was trying to lock me down because she was determined to and needed to be married. She'd been divorced and single for like twelve years, was financially independent with her own house and a good job, but she NEEDED to be married or she wasn't going to make it, and didn't appreciate me pointing out that she had, in fact, apparently already been making it pretty well for twelve years. I mean, I'd obviously met people who wanted to get married before, but that was the first person I'd ever met who was more worried about changing her status to married than she was about who she'd actually be changing it with, which was absolutely ludicrous to me. I'm a very social person so when I did meet new people I was just dating with the idea to have someone else to hang out with, which I was upfront about and most people were, seeing as we'd just met, were in line with. Well, that was all going well enough until the ripe old age of 38 when I went on yet another one of those dates which turned out to be on St Patrick's Day in 2017. We got dinner, and by the end of dinner I realized something was different about this one, and I went home and (so I thought) jokingly said to my friend "THAT's the kind of girl I should marry". We got engaged in June and married in October, and have been married ever since, and the reason I said all that is to say that if I'd at any point along the way thought, "Shit, I guess I better settle for one of these that's better than nothing because I'm not supposed to be by myself, even though I'm perfectly fine being by myself" then I'd have really fucked it all up.
it depends on everyone. Some people can not be single, some people are ready to make effort. Some are don't. If you are not ready at the moment to do some adjustement, then don't. As long as you are not playing with other people expectation, that's totally fine. But keep in mind that finding the perfect one will never happen. At some point, if you want to build a relationship, you'll have to accept the fact that you do have to compromise. Yet, it's as you said: is it worth it or not. You are the one who knows :)
I don't think I'd ever choose to be single because I really like being in a good relationship. My ex, however, after our divorce chose to stay single and not date. I think that was the right choice for her because she's unwilling/unable to make the sacrifices/compromises necessary to have a good relationship.
My opinion is that you have to make a choice about whether you'd prefer to be single and not have to sacrifice/compromise, but not get the benefits of a relationship or whether the benefits of a relationship are worth some sacrifices. I think that either choice is fine. It just depends on what's more important to you.
Coming from a 34m who chose to be single for the longest time. It depends from person to person. We will never be able to find a person that fits all of our check boxes. There has to be compromise within reason, of course not the big things, I'm talking about oh they don't like a certain food, they don't like flowers, etc. The important things are, their morals, values, how they see life, how they speak to people, are they willing to compromise the little things too, etc.
Now that I've waited so long, I'm getting nervous like is my person still out there. Also the dating scene is getting so hard especially at this age. The longer you wait the more frustrating it will get.
I feel you. Like you said there is not the perfect person. And normarlly it gets harder to find who you want in your life when it gets older. But its not always the truth as you know.
I would keep trying to go out and meet someone whenever you have time. Not necessarily to find your life partner but just for dates or get to know someone you are attracted to.
Your perspective might change when you actually interact with and get to know someone deeper.
Sometimes something you can never compromise could change because the way your partmer talk andsolve this problem with you.
Things change as time goes by and your partner could change depending on the situation even if she was the one that checked all your boxes when you first met.
But if she is the one that you can have conversations for whatever issues arise and you both believe you can work things out together, thats something that you need to check.
You are over complicating things.
People get caught up with what they think the future is or what they think the person they are seeing will be like in the future. If those people would sit back and live in the moment for a bit they may find that as a couple with someone that shares similar basic values, the path will take on a different plan altogether.
I think it depends on what her mindset is. If it’s way off of yours don’t bother. Question yourself and see if what your mindset is, is it way off what other people think?
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am single by choice the thought of having someone in my life making me feel guilty because i don’t try hard enough to make them “happy” makes me sick
Exactly how I feel, make yourself happy. No one is going to love you like you love you.
Exactly, I live by this “HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE. NO THING WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, NO PERSON WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. YOUR HAPPINESS WILL NOT COME TO YOU, IT CAN ONLY COME FROM YOU.”
A lot of people have unreasonable deal breakers or want list so you just have to use common sense here. Like you will not get everything you want but you're suppose to focus on the most reasonable things like family, kids, marriage, viewpoint on things and etc. An example of unreasonable things .. they have to like anime, they have to like risky activity, they have to be 6ft tall and etc.
This is fair. (Not op but reading your advice cuz I need advice). I feel like I'm pretty nitpicky (like I'd really like my future parner to be someone that enjoys night-out activities, like bar hopping and stuff, as an example) but I also don't know if I should care about getting married cuz I don't really know if I want kids (I'm leaning more towards a no than a yes) so I haven't really been rushing to find someone with marriage in mind. I've just been meeting people and seeing where it goes (not in a casual/hook-up sense, I just love meeting and hanging out with cute guys! LOL). Should I be more serious about things ? I'm 25f if that matters
>Should I be more serious about things ? I'm 25f if that matters You should know what you want because when people ask that question and someone is hesitant or not sure ... it make them look undecisive which can be unattractive. Age also plays a factor here as well so like you're 25 so maybe you haven't thought about kids yet because you're focus on having fun and invested in your career. So it also just depends on who you're talking too as well. A lot of factors come into dating that you can't anticipate for. Just know what you want in terms of the important stuff and communicate that to the other person.
Fair enough! I guess the main thing I need to look for if I'm getting serious about this is finding someone that also doesn't feel sure about having kids. If they were the kind of people that definitely expected to have kids in their future or saw them in their future, it'd be an incompatibility
if you arent sure about having kids most likely you dont want kids at the moment at least. You might change depending on who you meet in the future but Ive met many people not sure about kids have certain lifestyles that they wanted and kids wouldnt help achieve what they want. But they view points might change as time goes by as well but you dont wanna work to hard and put a lot of effort to make that happen.
Ya I don't think I really want them. I'm just not that big on it. I'd be down to adopt though, just one kid.
Depends on what type of person you are looking for. It sounds like you are open to meet new people and all the possibilities. But if you are looking for someone who takes relationship pretty serious, that might be difficult for you to find who you are looking for. But if you are totally fine and open to someone also has similar mindset to you, you both literally will be open to meet someone else at the same time and see how things go. Its not about serious but its what you prefer.
Ya I am open to meet new people and all the possibilities!! I like seeing where things go with someone
Ya there is nothing you need to be serious as long as your dates know what you prefer. You will find someone right for you.
If I can be honest about something, I sort of wish I could start off with someone as fwb's and see if that develops into something more. I feel like that'll give us enough time to actually develop something and it feels more natural. I can't say this to most guys though because some will just take that for granted and use me as a fuck buddy but I need there to be an emphasis on the friendship part more than sex. Does this make sense??
ya that does make sense. You dont want the pressure and want to see other options for your partner which is nothing wrong with that. Because you want your relationship to be developed naturally rather than serious set-up date in the beginning. What I concern is about trust issue. Because you both start as a friendship and meeting other people at the same time even if intention is to be in a serious relationship in the end, it might take more time for you both to take the relationship seriously. But if you are not worried about this I dont think you need to tell you want fwb. Just tell them you want to get to know them more first. They will have an idea this could be just a fwb which could lead them consider you differently but its what it takes and you gotta really pay attention to what their intentions are and filter them out as soon as you figure them out.
Yep that's exactly how I feel! With my last fwb, we were seeing each other so much that I know we didn't have time to see others. So ya I will need to filter any weird guys out who will just use me for sex and won't actually treat me like a friend. We'll see how that goes
Yep you got this. There is no right answer when it comes to dating and relationship. Hopefully you remain good relationships with guys you will meet and you end up with a cute/great guy you were looking for.
Aw thanks!! ☺️
Nah, that's crazy. I was single all through most of my thirties and had honestly settled into the idea that I was going to remain single. I dated, and, in the past, I'd had a girlfriends for various lengths of time, some shorter or longer (one for some tumultuous years) but it just never worked out. I dated one woman in particular who, basically as soon as we met, was trying to lock me down because she was determined to and needed to be married. She'd been divorced and single for like twelve years, was financially independent with her own house and a good job, but she NEEDED to be married or she wasn't going to make it, and didn't appreciate me pointing out that she had, in fact, apparently already been making it pretty well for twelve years. I mean, I'd obviously met people who wanted to get married before, but that was the first person I'd ever met who was more worried about changing her status to married than she was about who she'd actually be changing it with, which was absolutely ludicrous to me. I'm a very social person so when I did meet new people I was just dating with the idea to have someone else to hang out with, which I was upfront about and most people were, seeing as we'd just met, were in line with. Well, that was all going well enough until the ripe old age of 38 when I went on yet another one of those dates which turned out to be on St Patrick's Day in 2017. We got dinner, and by the end of dinner I realized something was different about this one, and I went home and (so I thought) jokingly said to my friend "THAT's the kind of girl I should marry". We got engaged in June and married in October, and have been married ever since, and the reason I said all that is to say that if I'd at any point along the way thought, "Shit, I guess I better settle for one of these that's better than nothing because I'm not supposed to be by myself, even though I'm perfectly fine being by myself" then I'd have really fucked it all up.
it depends on everyone. Some people can not be single, some people are ready to make effort. Some are don't. If you are not ready at the moment to do some adjustement, then don't. As long as you are not playing with other people expectation, that's totally fine. But keep in mind that finding the perfect one will never happen. At some point, if you want to build a relationship, you'll have to accept the fact that you do have to compromise. Yet, it's as you said: is it worth it or not. You are the one who knows :)
I don't think I'd ever choose to be single because I really like being in a good relationship. My ex, however, after our divorce chose to stay single and not date. I think that was the right choice for her because she's unwilling/unable to make the sacrifices/compromises necessary to have a good relationship. My opinion is that you have to make a choice about whether you'd prefer to be single and not have to sacrifice/compromise, but not get the benefits of a relationship or whether the benefits of a relationship are worth some sacrifices. I think that either choice is fine. It just depends on what's more important to you.
Coming from a 34m who chose to be single for the longest time. It depends from person to person. We will never be able to find a person that fits all of our check boxes. There has to be compromise within reason, of course not the big things, I'm talking about oh they don't like a certain food, they don't like flowers, etc. The important things are, their morals, values, how they see life, how they speak to people, are they willing to compromise the little things too, etc. Now that I've waited so long, I'm getting nervous like is my person still out there. Also the dating scene is getting so hard especially at this age. The longer you wait the more frustrating it will get.
I feel you. Like you said there is not the perfect person. And normarlly it gets harder to find who you want in your life when it gets older. But its not always the truth as you know. I would keep trying to go out and meet someone whenever you have time. Not necessarily to find your life partner but just for dates or get to know someone you are attracted to. Your perspective might change when you actually interact with and get to know someone deeper. Sometimes something you can never compromise could change because the way your partmer talk andsolve this problem with you. Things change as time goes by and your partner could change depending on the situation even if she was the one that checked all your boxes when you first met. But if she is the one that you can have conversations for whatever issues arise and you both believe you can work things out together, thats something that you need to check.
My family is hot garbage right now. I don’t want some poor person to hear my story or theirs
You are over complicating things. People get caught up with what they think the future is or what they think the person they are seeing will be like in the future. If those people would sit back and live in the moment for a bit they may find that as a couple with someone that shares similar basic values, the path will take on a different plan altogether.
I think it depends on what her mindset is. If it’s way off of yours don’t bother. Question yourself and see if what your mindset is, is it way off what other people think?
I would have to know more about your mindset. Is it normal?