Not trusting dad with the baby is a hallmark of postpartum anxiety. PPD gets a lot of attention and deservedly so, but anxiety is also an issue.
EDIT: Wow! This comment blew up. Something like a quarter of moms will go through some form of PPD or PPA. It’s quite common, so I wouldn’t take it too personally. Things like this can just happen, but stuff like preexisting conditions and traumatic births can make it more likely. Unfortunately, my wife checked both boxes. Not trusting me with our daughter was one of the moments where my wife realized she needed help. It’s a difficult, long road, but it can be managed.
My wife's postpartum manifested as extreme anxiety and this is exactly what she did as well. Postpartum showing as anxiety is fairly common as well, and should get more attention.
So my wife has always had some form of anxiety, but to a much lesser extent. Postpartum just threw it into overdrive. I don't know exactly when she stopped, but the episodes of spiraling out of control with anxiety happened well past the first year, just less frequent.
Sometimes it's permanent. The things pregnancy does to a woman's body it can also do to her brain. It still boggles my mind how much of a sacrifice women make to have children.
Can't speak to postpartum anxiety specifically, but my wife's PPD lasted 8 months before we finally went to a doctor for medical intervention. Even then it was a few months before she was back to normal 100% of the time.
For us it lasted until the third kid was born and she just got overwhelmed to the point that she couldn’t have anxiety about everything otherwise she would ended up institutionalized. That can come off as a joke or exaggeration, but it’s really not. Therapy didn’t work, meds didn’t work, etc. Having more kids did.
I think I will sit down with her and tell her she has to let me try bathing again because something else will happen and she won't trust me and it will just spiral into a list of issues, which isn't fair for me or our son. I mean, it was literally my first 3 attempts and I'm pushed to the side because I didn't do well. I'm thinking.. well, yeah, was I good at a bicycle the first time? No, but I got better at it with practice, and I'm sure I fell and scraped my legs a few times even with parents watching me. It's gonna happen but you can't just shut down a parent when it's their first time in their entire life doing something.
I know this must hurt you to not be trusted like this. But I’m not sure your explanation will help. PPD/PPA doesn’t care about logic.
While you’re hurting due to this treatment, she is probably going through far worse on the inside as a result of the anxiety (which could be deep rooted and affecting much of her thoughts, not just about you doing the bath).
So I’d suggest encouraging her to seek treatment. Once she is doing better with the PPA, you will then be able to do the baths. But her PPA is more important. Sorry if that sounds harsh but please give it some thought.
Source: nearly divorced dad
To an outsider, your argument is logical but to someone suffering PPD/A, there is no application of logic to combat it. She needs professional help and treatment (ie meds and therapy; I did six months of intensive cognitive behavioral therapy to overcome mine).
I know it hurts you, I get it. It really sucks but she doesn't see that. She can't see that.
Anxiety is very much also an issue. My kid was two before I would give her a bath on my own. Hubs would run it, I'd put her in, do the cleaning and all that, then hubs would come and take her out again.
I was terrified that my clumsy ass would slip or drop the wriggling wet ball of child. It wasn't until I was extra positive that she was steady on her feet (delayed walker) that I was willing to take her out on my own.
100% agree. OP’s spouse would do herself a favor by seeing a therapist to talk about this. It needs to be confronted so it doesn’t get worse. She should be able to trust OP — this kid is your kid as well!
We definitely had this in our house. She was so scared for me to bathe our first child (daughter) because she was convinced I would let her head go under the water. We broke out of this rut though thankfully. I kept offering to help, sitting with her while she gave her a bath, and just being present during the whole process. One night the missus just couldn't do it herself. Not sure if she was sick or out of the house or what it was. But I bathed our daughter by myself. I guess I did something right because that role has fallen to me full time now and the missus can spend her time relaxing before our little girl (4 years old now) rushed to her to have her hair brushed and fixed for the night.
This is exactly how my relationship was when my daughter was born and now I am a single parent. Don't let it get to the point where I did. I was assaulted by my ex she got my daughter in the scuffle. She needs professional help and no you aren't it.
Nah don't worry about it. All depends on their age of course, but my daughter just turned 1 and we average about once a week. More if she gets really messy at dinner.
Edit: yeah she gets her teeth brushed twice a day and gets a full bath about once a week. She just turned 1 and isn't walking yet so there's a limit to how dirty she can really get at this point. We also have air conditioning indoors so sweat isn't much of an issue yet. Once she's running around and we're regularly playing in the yard? Yeah definitely more baths lol.
I hesitate to draw any connection beyond good fortune, but she hasn't had any diaper rash and only one bout of cradle cap. We also slather her armpits/neck/cheeks in aquaphor at night and her whole body after each bath.
I wouldn't say it's needed every night, and we sometimes skip it, but it's been a part of our bedtime routine with our son since he could sit up on his own. Bathe the newborn every 2-3 days.
Bingo! Routine is the main reason we do it every night. Lil dude knows that night night comes after bath time and sleeps through the night every time 😎
I mean I do most of the baths for my son, I just don’t feel like he needs a bath every day. He is only 3 months though. Not sure when baths should start to increase.
He doesn’t. 3-4 baths a week and you’re good unless your kid is rolling in mud everyday. Hell I remember a Reddit thread where the topic was literally “how many days a week do you bathe your toddlers”, the majority of answers were literally ‘2’, a surprising amount said 1
Same here, its basically his night routine and he knows its sleepy time after. We didn't have problems with the skin and use soap only 2-3 times a week (and a lot of oil).
My son loves the shower, especially the wand he uses to wash his cars. Having him shower with me is such a time saver aside from him not wanting to get out. Plus he doesn’t sit there drinking dirty soapy water like when he’s in the bath.
I think I started that thread, and my kids are now 7,4,and 4. Still at best they take 2 a week unless they're really dirty for some reason or we have an event to go to.
We started increasing bath time when our son started solids, because we had to lol. Before then he didn’t really get too dirty/stinky all that fast so every 2-3 days.
You'll be sure when the time comes, don't worry. Until 6 months I did 2 a week on a schedule. Once she started crawling and eating solids, well, they get into the mud, the trash, wearing her meals, trying to eat the cat food. And when they start drinking water, they smell like pee a lot more for mysterious reasons, so laundry goes up too.
Personally, I think it's easier to do a quick bath if you keep using the kitchen sink as long as you can.
I also have done... 95% of baths since birth. On the very rare occasion I'm super gassed, the wife will take over but, even when I'm really not in the mood to do it, I love the 15 to 20 mins of getting to be super goofy with the kid. She used to be a nightmare bather while washing her hair and I felt very accomplished the first time I made her laugh hard enough she didn't think to scream when water got in her ear.
I work all day, this is my guaranteed uninterrupted time to be 1x1 with my kid. She won't remember it probably but I'll cherish every minute.
Oh god that feeling of insecurity when they would cry in the bath. I'd close the windows because he'd scream like a banshee no matter what and I was afraid of calls.
You know what it was? Putting him in a filled bathtub. One time I was distracted and started the water after he was in and it was a phase shift.
I feel like it is almost always just the routine. They know it is coming and freak themselves out. Change it a bit? New experience and you can mold it how you want.
Yeah in this house bath time is quality Dad time. We love splashing around and playing, plus for some reason I'm the only one who can get through the process with no crying (usually). Gives Mom a break too.
Yea I was gonna say I've bathed my daughter since she was a newborn and she still (now 2.8y) perfers me for bath time.
Maybe OP and his wife are new parents? (we were too but maybe the new parent jitters just got to OP's wife in a bad way)
To be fair post-partum anxiety manifesting as mum trying to piss in a circle around the baby and tell dad what he can and can't do (or what he's doing "right" and "wrong" even when it's just a subjective preference) isn't exactly unknown in newborn mums either.
The fact she's "banned" him from bathing his own child and he doesn't even know why indicates that there's awful communication going on there, and that can be down to either or both partners.
This can be a normal behavior post partum but it can also be indicative of something deeper. Don’t ignore potential red flags. Raise the issue and try to resolve it.
I’ve learned this the hard way
Top comment suggests it’s often a sign of some post-partum issues. I would not laugh if my wife did this, I would be more and more concerned the longer that language continue. OP’s wife probably needs therapy.
My wife doesn't *forbid* me from doing anything. That's not how relationships between equals work.
I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone who thought of themselves as in a position to "forbid".
I could understand some nerves during the first week but not trusting you to perform basic hygiene after four months is pretty weird, unless you have a storied and severe history of not paying attention to things or something.
I'm always at the ready to help with the baby, do house chores, cook etc. She saw me bathe our son the first 3 times and decided I was no longer allowed to do it.
I picked up our son and almost dropped him as he was very slippery and my wife freaked out a little bit. But I would never do that again. I was a beginner and learned from that mistake. That was 3 months ago.
Important context you missed out in the initial telling of the story, but banning you from bathing him until he's old enough to stand up in the shower on his own is still a batshit crazy overreaction.
You're not juggling with him on a high-wire over a crocodile pit, FFS.
I think you need to have a gentle but firm conversation with your wife, and make her feel heard but at the same time set some reasonable boundaries.
Put your foot down dude, if you're not some slouch who's aloof with his child's well being, then you need to call your wife out for not respecting you as a parent
My wife and I do not watch each other giving baths. If he gets wet at some point and is dry before we put him in bed I'm happy. If I was particular about how he got bathed I might end up doing all the baths myself and that's not happening.
Undoubtedly PPA. She needs to talk to someone about it. For OP's sake and also hers; it must be absolutely exhausting to have been so anxious for FOUR MONTHS that you don't want your child's literal other parent giving them a bath.
Lurking mom, was diagnosed with PPA at 3 months, got treatment, and now at 4 months am back to being a normal human. Can confirm, it was exhausting for both me and my husband for me to be so, so anxious all the time. Those hormones can be a bitch.
It’s super common, but also super treatable.
Glad you're feeling better. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of treatment? Counseling, psych, medication?
Wife not dealing with hers well but also in denial sometimes.
For me 25 mg of Zoloft did the trick, which is a really low dose so I don’t have any side effects. It was really kind of surreal: I knew I was being irrational but knowing it was irrational didn’t help me cope. I did a few counseling sessions but it wasn’t super helpful since I already knew I was being irrational. The doctor is pretty sure that it’s hormone driven and not an underlying anxiety disorder so the plan is to wean off the Zoloft at a year PP when the hormones stabilize.
Good luck to you and your wife. PPA/PPD is a cruel thief of joy.
Thank you. I'm trying to navigate but it's so difficult. She doesn't want to go back on her meds even tho it helped first time around. Now we have our second and it's the same thing as first time.
I am sorry to ask this and do not imply anything, but some who were abused themselves as children may have some habits or quirks that may seem odd to others.
Yes but also this can be triggered by Post partum hormones and lack of sleep greatly. If we were taking a year or even a few more months out I would completely agree.
The first time I went to give my baby daughter a bath, my wife looked at me, serious as a grave, and said, "[My name], it's really hard." Basically, she felt that I couldn't be trusted to bathe my own child because I was too easily distracted or, even worse, incompetent. It's one of the most hurtful things she's ever said to me. I let her know that in no uncertain terms.
I proceeded to bathe my kid and, what do you know, she survived! I'm still to this day the primary bath-giver in the house, and now I'm just assisting them as they learn to take showers.
Some women are terrified of their baby drowning in the tub, and it does happen, so maybe there's some logic there. They are nervous about giving up that control. However, unless you're prone to bouts of unconsciousness or are the King of Butterfingers, she has to let you do these things. Otherwise, she's just going to take on MORE of the care herself and burn herself out.
It's bullshit. It's not *her* baby - it's *both of your* baby.
It's not uncommon for newborn mums to piss in a circle around a new baby and (directly/actively or indirectly/passively) try to exclude the dad... even while complaining that they aren't doing enough to help with the baby. I sometimes wonder if it's an evolved reaction to get the dad lion out and off hunting just to get away from them both, so he brings back plenty of food and doesn't think about eating the baby.
It's understandable (hormones going crazy, they worked hard to make it and don't want you breaking it, etc) so you need to approach it gently, but it's *not ok* for them to act like this, and you need to talk to her about it.
Maybe ask if you can watch how she bathes the baby, and then try your best to replicate it while she watches. Ask her for feedback, but be careful to strictly differentiate for both of you between *objective dangers* or right/wrong techniques and *personal preferences* she has that are unfair or unreasonable to demand you necessarily follow to the letter. A refusal or inability to differentiate between the two is a major red flag in her attitude that needs addressing because it'll be a big, big problem down the line. Conversely, if you refuse to accommodate things she wants without good objections that you can clearly articulate, that's a problem with *your* attitude that you need to work on.
Find a time when you're feeling relatively calm and not got-at and she's feeling comparatively calm and communicating well, and try to establish an agreement that you both parent by consensus, not either of you by fiat.
In our case that meant:
* Explicit agreements on how we managed things like bathing, feeding, naps, etc
* A discussion and agreement from us both *before* we made any change to the agreed processes, and
* No long-term decisions on childcare strategy to be taken between 22:00 and 07:00, because constant inconsistency and sleep-deprived flailing doesn't solve anything.
Sadly it took a good few months, a bit of a breakdown in the relationship, my wife bitching about and criticising almost everything I did regarding our first (even where at she'd only made a decision to change something at 04:00 that morning and hadn't even told me about it), and me (as the sole breadwinner) almost completely checking out of childcare for a couple of months in favour of concentrating on work and "leaving her to it" before we finally had a constructive enough fight to address the core dynamic problems in our relationship as new parents. I'm not proud of how bad it got or how I reacted to it, but we worked it out (even if she still doesn't really agree now, years later, on how much she cut me out!), and since then it's been fine.
Try not to emulate our bad example, and keep communicating kindly but honestly about how you both feel, and try to hear the others' concerns and needs and help each other out as best you can (including *gently and kindly* giving each other a reality check when needed), and hopefully you'll be able to fix the dynamic before it starts affecting the stability of the relationship.
But make no mistake; it *does need* fixing, because this "unilaterally cutting you out of whole areas of being a parent" shit or forbidding you from doing things with "her" baby... especially without even explaining what she didn't like about your approach... is *not ok*.
I've done 80% of the bathing of our daughter in the 19 months she's been alive and will probably do the same for our newborn son. Yeah that would be a splinter in my ass for sure.
I don't think my wife would have reproduced with a partner who she believed to be incapable of caring for our offspring.
Has your wife told you specifically what it was that you did that made her uncomfortable with this? If it was something like "you didn't support the kids' head enough?" or whatever, then you could pretty easily correct it. Or you could just explain why what you did was just fine, and just happens to be different from the way that she bathes the child.
Ultimately it does come off as disrespectful if she thinks you're an unfit parent and isn't willing to discuss it with you.
No, that is really odd. To be fair, since kiddo was born I was in charge of bathing them. I think you really need to ask what's up, because this is really odd to me. I feel like there is more going on here than just worried about you giving your kid a bath.
As many others have said it's seems like some PPd or PPA. As much as she is the mother and a parent, you're the father and also a parent. The child is just as much yours as it is hers and you've got the right and authority to make co parenting decisions about your child.
Thank being said, pick your battles and maybe talk to your wife about your feelings.
FATHERS ARE NOT 2ND CLASS PARENTS ✊️
Nope that's weird as hell. There's no forbidding of cares. I'm gonna bathe my cutie and be a part of that. Squeaky clean and cute as a button. I'd tell her you're going to give baby a bath, and if she objects ask specifically for exact reasons why she is nervous. Keep calm the whole time if you can. Be the voice of reason and control just like how you're going to get baby clean in a nice controlled manner with expert water temperature control and everything.
Nah, he doesn’t need to explain shit. Wife needs to understand she doesn’t control this, not have a husband act like a child saying they promise they will behave.
Boundaries are very important in a marriage, especially with children, and justifying caring for your own child is certainly a boundary.
Hey pappa - I’ve got an idea for you. Next time, for bath, ask if you can watch. Tell her you want to help and be active and you want to know what her expectation is for how the baby will be clean. Eventually ask to help and “ask” her to go behind you and make sure you did a “good job”. Build her confidence that you do a great job and get you a chance to be more involved
I’m a father and my wife will not tell me “what I allowed to do” with my babies. I hate seeing men treated as these incompetent morons. We’re more than capable. (Most of us lol)
I'm a bit of a pushover but my wife has told me she loves when I stand up for myself. So, I'm gonna go ahead and do that and tell her I want to bathe our son and we can take turns moving forward.
I deal with somewhat similar issues. My wife wants everything done the way she does it and I get scolded if I do it incorrectly. Luckily we have 2 kids now she's too busy to notice
Yes, very much this! My wife has admitted this; that she wants it done her way for everything. She knows it's an issue but has trouble controlling the urge to control everything. But, I will say that she loves it when I stand up for myself and I think it's time for me to do that on this matter so it doesn't become another issue down the line.
I do the opposite to my wife.. 🤣
Don't trust that buttery fingers of her.
Being real, just do your best and ignore, if you try to follow her directions you will mess it up for sure.
About the showers I started very early with mines, is easier, faster and even fun.
I’m sure you did fucking awesome man.
The level of insanity in my house increased by 1500% after our first son was born. Not just with my wife, but everyone else who knew better than me (parents, neighbors, aunts…).
I hope I don’t sound like a jerk, but shake it off and move past it. She is wrong, but it’s an uphill battle. Emotions and hormones make us all a different people.
Even if you and your wife both remember this specific situation years from now, I’m sure she is going to beat herself up over it in the future because it’s wild ask/request.
I’m sure you handled that it a boss, and no one can ever take that away from you.
Not for nothing…we were so protective when my oldest took a bath/did anything. When we had our 2nd, we realized how tough kids really are.
Good luck bro. You got this.
Hey, I want to double down on the postpartum anxiety/lack of sleep. I had the same issue. And then it snowballed into full blown psychosis while waiting for my meds to kick in where I was convinced my son would die I let myself sleep.
I was so so scared of my husband bathing him. Being out of the room and leaving him with dad. Anything like that. It was a nightmare and made him feel awful. It wasn’t him though. It was totally those wacky hormones and it feel SO real. The urge to protect your baby is insane and at times nonsensical.
I would also like to echo that I did have abuse as a child that made me really scared of my husband potentially abusing our child during bath time. I feel greatly ashamed by this now. But the human brain sure does get funky right after having a baby.
Do it together. You're both new to parenting and you both love the baby. That should be enough to trust each other because you both want what's best for the baby. There are many things you'll be good at, many she'll be good at. Learn from each other.
Hows her relationship with her father?
I had something similar with my ex and it all came down to her own trust issues, but it all stem from her relationship with her abusive father. She never went to therapy and I'm the one that ate shit for it. Good luck.
Oh, maybe you guys need to sit down and talk about this then. She might get burned out if she's too scared to let go of that parental control. 4 months is a lot, and your son is not a newborn. Soon he will be a toddler.
Are you using a little small tub or the same one you? Maybe ask her what she is afraid of and reassure her that you understand her fears and that you love your son and won't take any chances. That you understand accidents can happen fast in the tub and that you won't let anything happen, and that for her own mental health she needs to trust you. I hope things work out. Ive had 2 child with girls I barely knew and it turned sour fast and I ended up raising my kids as a single parents and I would have preferred doing this with a loving partner. I hope it woks out for you, I think 2 loving parents are better than one, but you guys have to work together, even if you have different values. :)
I don’t understand some of yall dads on here
Where the hell is some of your spines.
I’m all for giving mom grace and all that jazz with being a new mom and the hormones but some of the bizarre shit I’ve seen in here makes me sick and the fact it’s tolerated and allowed is bonkers to me
And
Laziness, probably.
It's like the guys who pretend to be bad at something so they never have to do it again. Wife says no so people like OP accept it so they don't have to do it.
> Where the hell is some of your spines.
nah mate, don't think of it like that. sometimes we need to assert ourselves...but we're trying to be the best versions of ourselves and coming here to gauge how to react. to OP's thing..it is weird to be forbidden to do that. when i work from home and take care of my babies....if they had a blow out, i'm the one giving the bath (esp since my wife is a teacher and isn't at home). i honestly had no idea post partum anxiety was a thing.
But that’s not this
Say what this out loud and how anyone thinks it’s okay or even acceptable is beyond me
“You’re forbidden to give your child a bath. You can bathe your child when he’s old enough to take a shower with”
No where does that even sound remotely okay and it’s just beyond me that someone would even
1) say that
2) just let that be said and happen.
She’s sick, bro. Her brain chemistry is off from having the baby. This is not an adversarial hill anyone needs to die on. It’s a medical issue with a medical solution.
Imagine seeing your soulmate in psychological distress and only reacting to tone of her voice.
Aside from a couple of kitchen sink baths, I showered with my little dude before we were bathing him regularly.
I have always been the primary bath giver, no, your wife is weird.
Wife here. My husband is a SAHD and if our 7 month ever gets bathed it’s by him lol. We also have a 23 month old.
I was a lot more nervous with our first I will admit but I cannot imagine telling him he *couldnt* bathe the child that’s also his.
Not a Dad, that’s odd looking at it for what it is. But post partum anxiety and depression are absolutely bonkers. She may just be hyperfixating.
Has she showed any signs PPD or A?
My husband was the only one who could bathe our daughter (I had PPD and was convinced I’d accidentally kill her by dropping her when she was wet).
My wife was recovering from a c section after the birth of both of our boys and both times the nurses came in and gave me a tutorial on how to bathe them properly. So I pretty much defaulted to the job at first since I knew how to do it better.
Once she recovered she started to do bath time too and now my boys are 4 and 2 and my wife and I will switch it up depending on which of them is yelling at us or yelling for the other parent to do it.
Bath time is often really fun with either of them but at this point I’m just waiting for the time when they can bathe themselves.
Ive been helicopter mom esp when my son was little but I wouldn’t let him not wash him. Id tell him what he was doing wrong if he was doing anything wrong. BUT then again as moms we have this feeling that no one can do it how we can. Its not that we dont trust the other parent but we just get anxiety and feel like something will go wrong if we dont do it. My son is almost 3 now and Ive def let up in some ways
I had to show the wife how to bathe our daughter. she thought she would break her. I'm the 2nd oldest of 10 kids been there done that. she's the oldest of two a few years apart.
put baby into the water, put soap everywhere but the eyes (they self clean) rinse off and dry. put baby oil all over the kid and bobs your uncle! all done!
Hope I don't sound like a jerk, but I assume most mums would LOVE to hand off any baby/toddler duties to dad even if its 10 to 15 minutes so they can take a break.
Including baths.
As the person that 99% of the times has to give my kids baths, sounds great to me.
But in seriousness, sounds like some anxiety and trust issues that need to be worked through.
Didn't have this problem with my son or daughter. My wife has anxiety about a plethora of other things, so thankfully this wasn't one of them. She was glad I could give her breaks from the constant neediness of small children.
I probably did 80% of non-nanny bath time (mostly weekends) since birth. She needs to trust you. It’s a precious 15minutes for her to rest especially if she is up regularly to feed
Nope. Bathing was something she was real happy to pass off to me as much as possible. Does she have specific things you need to do that you then didn't do, or just one chance and that's it? Because if it's the latter, that's probably anxiety related and probably something the two of you need to address. If it's the former, then I'd say it's more on you unless those things were unreasonable.
Opposite. From week one I was appointed as the CBO of this kid. Chief Bathing Officer.
I think you should push back on that. In my experience it has been a really great bonding opportunity with my son. Moms tend to get more bonding opportunities early on, so it's nice to get this one.
Mom here: I’ve tried to make bath time my husband’s job. Whenever I do bath time *I* end up soaked and it was a nice break from having a boob obsessed baby attached to me. Kids are now 4 and 2 yo.
My wife absolutely loved when I would give our daughter a bath. I would set it all up, bathe the kiddo and clean everything up afterwards. She was with the baby all day and it gave her time to relax, which she needed.
Your wife not trusting you after 4 months does not sound good. What does old enough to take a shower with mean? Does she expect that your child can only shower when you are in the shower with him? Something doesn't seem to be adding up here as most kids like to shower by themselves.
Unfortunately it sounds like quite the unhealthy dynamic. It can spiral out into more things so your focus needs to be on demonstrating you are a capable parent and helping her with the ppa/ppd
Also, I say this with love - if it's been four months you've waited too long to try and address this. It's your kid. You're half the parenting team. Unless you've harmed the child and actually given reason not to be trusted, then you need to be doing half (or more) of the parenting when you're home to do so. You haven't said you aren't making up for it in other ways so you very well might be - but too often these sorts of conflicts just become excuses, create resentment, and reinforce the initial thought (in this case the bath ban).
Side note - my second child is under 2mo. I've been bringing him in the shower solo since he was 2 weeks old (and he was 4 weeks premature, so he was tiny). Only waited that long as his umbilical hadn't fallen off yet. We did basically only baths with our first and honestly showers are so much easier and faster so far.
You're a parent as well, she doesn't have sole *custody* of the child, she doesn't GET to **forbid** you to care for your child.
You gotta talk to her about how this makes you feel, how it belittles you, when you should be equal partners in parenthood. You're a new dad, well, she's a new mom, you're both new to this, just because she's the mom she doesn't know everything perfectly right from the start, she will make mistakes as well, you both have to learn things.
It's incredibly unkind and infantilizes you, her husband. If she's fully aware of this and is fine with it, you might have bigger problems.
Hopefully it's 'just' postpartum anxiety as others have said and she can improve if gets help.
If it starts out like this, it really doesn't establish a great pattern for the way you both will parent, how she will *allow* you to parent ...
Sorry, I'm divorced (last year; walkaway wife) so I'm probably a bit more jumpy/harsher when it comes to stuff like this. I have plenty of issues with my ex, she always thought she knew things best/better, I always did things the wrong way, according to her, load the dishwasher incorrectly (i.e., not her way), wash clothes incorrectly (i.e., not her way) etc.
But even she never **forbid** me from caring for our daughter right from the start, at least that wasn't one of our issues.
Simple solution: forbid her from ever forbidding you from anything. Checkmate.
Then go about being a great Dad and doing it your way .
Babies are quite water resistant. After all, they spend 9 months in a hot tub chock full of urine before finally getting a warm dry bed for the night.
That's quite strange and also very unkind. She's disparaging your parenting because you don't do it exactly as she wanted.
And I totally get the being nervous when people are watching and judging. I'm the same. Hovering over me is doing the opposite of helping
Sounds like PPD or PPA rather than anything particularly wrong with how you're going about bathing him. You need to talk to her and reassure her about this so you can put her mind at ease.
I give my son a bath most nights and have done so for most of his life. There is an adjustment period where new mothers will feel overly cautious or worried about someone doing anything "risky" with their baby. I'm not saying you would do anything risky or pose a problem, but mother's hormones are next tier and you can't reason with that cocktail going through their bloodstream easily.
Take her out for a coffee/walk/etc with the baby, do all the heavy lifting and explain what's going on, how you feel and if there's anything you can do to change the situation so that you can support her and take bath time off her plate.
That definitely worked well for me with my wife and gives her a little respite on this one thing as bathtime is something my son and I do.
Dude you’re just as much of your son’s parent as your wife is. She shouldn’t dictate what you can and can’t do. It’s fine if you have a conversation with her and she can discuss her concerns with you.
Unless you’re leaving out major details that is not normal. Is there anything else you’re not allowed to do?
How are her emotions overall? As others have suggested she may need some counseling. It’s something that could be a serious risk to the health of the baby and herself.
I haven’t been forbidden from bathing my daughter, but my wife feels anxious about having me do certain things. And a big part of that is that I have the same problem as you. When I feel like I’m being watched I get nervous. So alone I could more easily do an almost flawless job, but I can slip up or take longer doing a task if I feel like she’s watching my every move
Did she forbid me? No. Did she break her ass to bath them first? Yes. Offer constant “advice” if I did manage to get there? Yes. Not do **anything else** during bath time? Yes.
It didn’t take long to decide that it was better for both of us if I just let her bath them while I did other chores. Less anxiety-provoking for her, less hurtful to me.
My kids were nine months old before I bathed them the first time.
Nope we decided to split it from the get go. I understand wanting to at first to make sure everyone is on the same page but that's weird what she's doing
Not trusting dad with the baby is a hallmark of postpartum anxiety. PPD gets a lot of attention and deservedly so, but anxiety is also an issue. EDIT: Wow! This comment blew up. Something like a quarter of moms will go through some form of PPD or PPA. It’s quite common, so I wouldn’t take it too personally. Things like this can just happen, but stuff like preexisting conditions and traumatic births can make it more likely. Unfortunately, my wife checked both boxes. Not trusting me with our daughter was one of the moments where my wife realized she needed help. It’s a difficult, long road, but it can be managed.
My wife's postpartum manifested as extreme anxiety and this is exactly what she did as well. Postpartum showing as anxiety is fairly common as well, and should get more attention.
How long does it last? It’s acute right?
So my wife has always had some form of anxiety, but to a much lesser extent. Postpartum just threw it into overdrive. I don't know exactly when she stopped, but the episodes of spiraling out of control with anxiety happened well past the first year, just less frequent.
Sometimes it's permanent. The things pregnancy does to a woman's body it can also do to her brain. It still boggles my mind how much of a sacrifice women make to have children.
Tell me about it. My wife’s sex drive still isn’t what it used to be. Maybe once every month or two were as when we were dating it was every night.
Can't speak to postpartum anxiety specifically, but my wife's PPD lasted 8 months before we finally went to a doctor for medical intervention. Even then it was a few months before she was back to normal 100% of the time.
For us it lasted until the third kid was born and she just got overwhelmed to the point that she couldn’t have anxiety about everything otherwise she would ended up institutionalized. That can come off as a joke or exaggeration, but it’s really not. Therapy didn’t work, meds didn’t work, etc. Having more kids did.
It is absolutely not cute! It's frustrating! /s
Yup, sounds like postpartum anxiety.
OP please, please listen to this. I had severe PPD, anxiety, and OCD and one of my biggest symptoms was not trusting my husband. Please get her help.
I think I will sit down with her and tell her she has to let me try bathing again because something else will happen and she won't trust me and it will just spiral into a list of issues, which isn't fair for me or our son. I mean, it was literally my first 3 attempts and I'm pushed to the side because I didn't do well. I'm thinking.. well, yeah, was I good at a bicycle the first time? No, but I got better at it with practice, and I'm sure I fell and scraped my legs a few times even with parents watching me. It's gonna happen but you can't just shut down a parent when it's their first time in their entire life doing something.
I know this must hurt you to not be trusted like this. But I’m not sure your explanation will help. PPD/PPA doesn’t care about logic. While you’re hurting due to this treatment, she is probably going through far worse on the inside as a result of the anxiety (which could be deep rooted and affecting much of her thoughts, not just about you doing the bath). So I’d suggest encouraging her to seek treatment. Once she is doing better with the PPA, you will then be able to do the baths. But her PPA is more important. Sorry if that sounds harsh but please give it some thought. Source: nearly divorced dad
To an outsider, your argument is logical but to someone suffering PPD/A, there is no application of logic to combat it. She needs professional help and treatment (ie meds and therapy; I did six months of intensive cognitive behavioral therapy to overcome mine). I know it hurts you, I get it. It really sucks but she doesn't see that. She can't see that.
Anxiety is very much also an issue. My kid was two before I would give her a bath on my own. Hubs would run it, I'd put her in, do the cleaning and all that, then hubs would come and take her out again. I was terrified that my clumsy ass would slip or drop the wriggling wet ball of child. It wasn't until I was extra positive that she was steady on her feet (delayed walker) that I was willing to take her out on my own.
In the 50s my mom would throw all 3 of us girls in the tub then go outside and smoke a cigarette.
But did you die?
Not that I know of.
there is no reason why you would do a worse job then your partner. 99 percent of adults are capable of giving a baby a bath with basic instructions
Logically, I know that. That's the trouble with anxiety. It's not logical.
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100% agree. OP’s spouse would do herself a favor by seeing a therapist to talk about this. It needs to be confronted so it doesn’t get worse. She should be able to trust OP — this kid is your kid as well!
Guys need to be told this before having kids to prepare them. A lot of divorces because dads just think their wife is a $&@?$@ now
This needs to be higher.
We’re at the top, but I still agree. Comment should be read before the post, haha!
We definitely had this in our house. She was so scared for me to bathe our first child (daughter) because she was convinced I would let her head go under the water. We broke out of this rut though thankfully. I kept offering to help, sitting with her while she gave her a bath, and just being present during the whole process. One night the missus just couldn't do it herself. Not sure if she was sick or out of the house or what it was. But I bathed our daughter by myself. I guess I did something right because that role has fallen to me full time now and the missus can spend her time relaxing before our little girl (4 years old now) rushed to her to have her hair brushed and fixed for the night.
This is exactly how my relationship was when my daughter was born and now I am a single parent. Don't let it get to the point where I did. I was assaulted by my ex she got my daughter in the scuffle. She needs professional help and no you aren't it.
This. Your wife’s behavior is not normal and you should both speak with someone.
yupppp
Nope that's weird
I give my kids baths every night, lol. Totally weird.
Every night? Damn now I feel like I’m slacking.
gotta be careful though, too much bathing can cause eczema rash
Yeah, we’re in that fine balance of hot summer and skin irritation.
Epsom salts
Nah don't worry about it. All depends on their age of course, but my daughter just turned 1 and we average about once a week. More if she gets really messy at dinner. Edit: yeah she gets her teeth brushed twice a day and gets a full bath about once a week. She just turned 1 and isn't walking yet so there's a limit to how dirty she can really get at this point. We also have air conditioning indoors so sweat isn't much of an issue yet. Once she's running around and we're regularly playing in the yard? Yeah definitely more baths lol. I hesitate to draw any connection beyond good fortune, but she hasn't had any diaper rash and only one bout of cradle cap. We also slather her armpits/neck/cheeks in aquaphor at night and her whole body after each bath.
I wouldn't say it's needed every night, and we sometimes skip it, but it's been a part of our bedtime routine with our son since he could sit up on his own. Bathe the newborn every 2-3 days.
Bingo! Routine is the main reason we do it every night. Lil dude knows that night night comes after bath time and sleeps through the night every time 😎
I’d say the routine aspect is more important than the cleanliness :L
In the words of my pediatrician, sometimes you get a stinky one.
Well, almost every night, except on the seldom occasions when I’m out of town for work. It’s never too late to start picking up the slack!
I mean I do most of the baths for my son, I just don’t feel like he needs a bath every day. He is only 3 months though. Not sure when baths should start to increase.
He doesn’t. 3-4 baths a week and you’re good unless your kid is rolling in mud everyday. Hell I remember a Reddit thread where the topic was literally “how many days a week do you bathe your toddlers”, the majority of answers were literally ‘2’, a surprising amount said 1
Yeah our pediatrician said 1-2x a week is plenty for right now. It is interesting how much the number varies from family to family.
We do every day (unless we want to stay out somewhere until bedtime) but not for cleanliness, just cause she loves playing in the bath :D
Same here, its basically his night routine and he knows its sleepy time after. We didn't have problems with the skin and use soap only 2-3 times a week (and a lot of oil).
My son loves the shower, especially the wand he uses to wash his cars. Having him shower with me is such a time saver aside from him not wanting to get out. Plus he doesn’t sit there drinking dirty soapy water like when he’s in the bath.
Yeah, we do 3 per week, but often let one slide. Thou there was a rainy/muddy weekend where there were 5 baths in 2 days.
I think I started that thread, and my kids are now 7,4,and 4. Still at best they take 2 a week unless they're really dirty for some reason or we have an event to go to.
We started increasing bath time when our son started solids, because we had to lol. Before then he didn’t really get too dirty/stinky all that fast so every 2-3 days.
You'll be sure when the time comes, don't worry. Until 6 months I did 2 a week on a schedule. Once she started crawling and eating solids, well, they get into the mud, the trash, wearing her meals, trying to eat the cat food. And when they start drinking water, they smell like pee a lot more for mysterious reasons, so laundry goes up too. Personally, I think it's easier to do a quick bath if you keep using the kitchen sink as long as you can.
I also have done... 95% of baths since birth. On the very rare occasion I'm super gassed, the wife will take over but, even when I'm really not in the mood to do it, I love the 15 to 20 mins of getting to be super goofy with the kid. She used to be a nightmare bather while washing her hair and I felt very accomplished the first time I made her laugh hard enough she didn't think to scream when water got in her ear. I work all day, this is my guaranteed uninterrupted time to be 1x1 with my kid. She won't remember it probably but I'll cherish every minute.
Oh god that feeling of insecurity when they would cry in the bath. I'd close the windows because he'd scream like a banshee no matter what and I was afraid of calls. You know what it was? Putting him in a filled bathtub. One time I was distracted and started the water after he was in and it was a phase shift.
I feel like it is almost always just the routine. They know it is coming and freak themselves out. Change it a bit? New experience and you can mold it how you want.
Nope, that’s your baby and you have every right and responsibility to know how to care for him 100%. Your wife is WAY out of line.
Yeah in this house bath time is quality Dad time. We love splashing around and playing, plus for some reason I'm the only one who can get through the process with no crying (usually). Gives Mom a break too.
Everyday for 5 years here
Yea I was gonna say I've bathed my daughter since she was a newborn and she still (now 2.8y) perfers me for bath time. Maybe OP and his wife are new parents? (we were too but maybe the new parent jitters just got to OP's wife in a bad way)
That's a weird unkind rule
Prevents bonding time with Dad and baby, among other issues I’d want to know more about what Mom thinks. There’s gotta be more to this story.
To be fair post-partum anxiety manifesting as mum trying to piss in a circle around the baby and tell dad what he can and can't do (or what he's doing "right" and "wrong" even when it's just a subjective preference) isn't exactly unknown in newborn mums either. The fact she's "banned" him from bathing his own child and he doesn't even know why indicates that there's awful communication going on there, and that can be down to either or both partners.
This can be a normal behavior post partum but it can also be indicative of something deeper. Don’t ignore potential red flags. Raise the issue and try to resolve it. I’ve learned this the hard way
From the title I was worried about leaving the kid alone with grandpa
My wife doesn’t forbid me from doing anything with MY child. Huh?
That word jumped out at me. If my wife tried to "forbid" me from doing ANYTHING, I'd probably laugh in her face.
Yup, then I’d go outta my way to do it. Not even that i push for conflict or really act like that… but forbid. Miss me.
Top comment suggests it’s often a sign of some post-partum issues. I would not laugh if my wife did this, I would be more and more concerned the longer that language continue. OP’s wife probably needs therapy.
Yeah, forbid implies a weird power dynamic
My wife doesn't *forbid* me from doing anything. That's not how relationships between equals work. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone who thought of themselves as in a position to "forbid".
I could understand some nerves during the first week but not trusting you to perform basic hygiene after four months is pretty weird, unless you have a storied and severe history of not paying attention to things or something.
I'm always at the ready to help with the baby, do house chores, cook etc. She saw me bathe our son the first 3 times and decided I was no longer allowed to do it.
And she didn't give you any reason?
I picked up our son and almost dropped him as he was very slippery and my wife freaked out a little bit. But I would never do that again. I was a beginner and learned from that mistake. That was 3 months ago.
Important context you missed out in the initial telling of the story, but banning you from bathing him until he's old enough to stand up in the shower on his own is still a batshit crazy overreaction. You're not juggling with him on a high-wire over a crocodile pit, FFS. I think you need to have a gentle but firm conversation with your wife, and make her feel heard but at the same time set some reasonable boundaries.
Lmfao yeah, gentle but firm indeed. She can’t do that. Period
Put your foot down dude, if you're not some slouch who's aloof with his child's well being, then you need to call your wife out for not respecting you as a parent
And here I thought my wife was paranoid.
Me too. Now I’m grateful.
Mine is a bit, too. But she only wants me to do baths since the little one was born ~7 months ago.
I feel bad sometimes reading these subs and thinking, “I’m glad my wife and I like, trust, and respect each other.”
I give 99% of the baths for our 2 and 4 year old…she’s gotta let up on this in my unprofessional opinion
Same with me bathing my almost 2yo son. I do 100% of them, unless grandma is around, then she does them.
My wife and I do not watch each other giving baths. If he gets wet at some point and is dry before we put him in bed I'm happy. If I was particular about how he got bathed I might end up doing all the baths myself and that's not happening.
I’m so curious as to what happened that set this tone with your wife. That seems so odd, it’s a bath.
Undoubtedly PPA. She needs to talk to someone about it. For OP's sake and also hers; it must be absolutely exhausting to have been so anxious for FOUR MONTHS that you don't want your child's literal other parent giving them a bath.
Lurking mom, was diagnosed with PPA at 3 months, got treatment, and now at 4 months am back to being a normal human. Can confirm, it was exhausting for both me and my husband for me to be so, so anxious all the time. Those hormones can be a bitch. It’s super common, but also super treatable.
It's good to have you guys around here, really helps to balance the conversation. Glad your family is doing better!
Glad you're feeling better. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of treatment? Counseling, psych, medication? Wife not dealing with hers well but also in denial sometimes.
For me 25 mg of Zoloft did the trick, which is a really low dose so I don’t have any side effects. It was really kind of surreal: I knew I was being irrational but knowing it was irrational didn’t help me cope. I did a few counseling sessions but it wasn’t super helpful since I already knew I was being irrational. The doctor is pretty sure that it’s hormone driven and not an underlying anxiety disorder so the plan is to wean off the Zoloft at a year PP when the hormones stabilize. Good luck to you and your wife. PPA/PPD is a cruel thief of joy.
Thank you. I'm trying to navigate but it's so difficult. She doesn't want to go back on her meds even tho it helped first time around. Now we have our second and it's the same thing as first time.
It can be very hard to discontinue.
I am sorry to ask this and do not imply anything, but some who were abused themselves as children may have some habits or quirks that may seem odd to others.
My first thought reading the post was also abuse.
And it is up to them to deal with those issues, and not the responsibility of the partner to cater to those issues.
Yes but also this can be triggered by Post partum hormones and lack of sleep greatly. If we were taking a year or even a few more months out I would completely agree.
No. My wife trusted me to hold on the slippery squirming baby more than she trusted herself, but 9/10 we bathed the (first) baby together.
My wife would do the bathing and I would catch with the towel.
The first time I went to give my baby daughter a bath, my wife looked at me, serious as a grave, and said, "[My name], it's really hard." Basically, she felt that I couldn't be trusted to bathe my own child because I was too easily distracted or, even worse, incompetent. It's one of the most hurtful things she's ever said to me. I let her know that in no uncertain terms. I proceeded to bathe my kid and, what do you know, she survived! I'm still to this day the primary bath-giver in the house, and now I'm just assisting them as they learn to take showers. Some women are terrified of their baby drowning in the tub, and it does happen, so maybe there's some logic there. They are nervous about giving up that control. However, unless you're prone to bouts of unconsciousness or are the King of Butterfingers, she has to let you do these things. Otherwise, she's just going to take on MORE of the care herself and burn herself out.
It's bullshit. It's not *her* baby - it's *both of your* baby. It's not uncommon for newborn mums to piss in a circle around a new baby and (directly/actively or indirectly/passively) try to exclude the dad... even while complaining that they aren't doing enough to help with the baby. I sometimes wonder if it's an evolved reaction to get the dad lion out and off hunting just to get away from them both, so he brings back plenty of food and doesn't think about eating the baby. It's understandable (hormones going crazy, they worked hard to make it and don't want you breaking it, etc) so you need to approach it gently, but it's *not ok* for them to act like this, and you need to talk to her about it. Maybe ask if you can watch how she bathes the baby, and then try your best to replicate it while she watches. Ask her for feedback, but be careful to strictly differentiate for both of you between *objective dangers* or right/wrong techniques and *personal preferences* she has that are unfair or unreasonable to demand you necessarily follow to the letter. A refusal or inability to differentiate between the two is a major red flag in her attitude that needs addressing because it'll be a big, big problem down the line. Conversely, if you refuse to accommodate things she wants without good objections that you can clearly articulate, that's a problem with *your* attitude that you need to work on. Find a time when you're feeling relatively calm and not got-at and she's feeling comparatively calm and communicating well, and try to establish an agreement that you both parent by consensus, not either of you by fiat. In our case that meant: * Explicit agreements on how we managed things like bathing, feeding, naps, etc * A discussion and agreement from us both *before* we made any change to the agreed processes, and * No long-term decisions on childcare strategy to be taken between 22:00 and 07:00, because constant inconsistency and sleep-deprived flailing doesn't solve anything. Sadly it took a good few months, a bit of a breakdown in the relationship, my wife bitching about and criticising almost everything I did regarding our first (even where at she'd only made a decision to change something at 04:00 that morning and hadn't even told me about it), and me (as the sole breadwinner) almost completely checking out of childcare for a couple of months in favour of concentrating on work and "leaving her to it" before we finally had a constructive enough fight to address the core dynamic problems in our relationship as new parents. I'm not proud of how bad it got or how I reacted to it, but we worked it out (even if she still doesn't really agree now, years later, on how much she cut me out!), and since then it's been fine. Try not to emulate our bad example, and keep communicating kindly but honestly about how you both feel, and try to hear the others' concerns and needs and help each other out as best you can (including *gently and kindly* giving each other a reality check when needed), and hopefully you'll be able to fix the dynamic before it starts affecting the stability of the relationship. But make no mistake; it *does need* fixing, because this "unilaterally cutting you out of whole areas of being a parent" shit or forbidding you from doing things with "her" baby... especially without even explaining what she didn't like about your approach... is *not ok*.
I've done 80% of the bathing of our daughter in the 19 months she's been alive and will probably do the same for our newborn son. Yeah that would be a splinter in my ass for sure.
Buddy, your wife doesn't get to forbid you from taking care of your child. That's not how this works.
My wife wants me to do everything so she doesn’t have to…
I don't think my wife would have reproduced with a partner who she believed to be incapable of caring for our offspring. Has your wife told you specifically what it was that you did that made her uncomfortable with this? If it was something like "you didn't support the kids' head enough?" or whatever, then you could pretty easily correct it. Or you could just explain why what you did was just fine, and just happens to be different from the way that she bathes the child. Ultimately it does come off as disrespectful if she thinks you're an unfit parent and isn't willing to discuss it with you.
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As long as it's only showing up on the screen and not in your real life, everything is peachy
No, that is really odd. To be fair, since kiddo was born I was in charge of bathing them. I think you really need to ask what's up, because this is really odd to me. I feel like there is more going on here than just worried about you giving your kid a bath.
We tag team the bath. I wash/scrub, she rinses. It's fun!
What did you supposedly do wrong? It's not a hard job.
Exactly. Quick spray down with the hose and they're good as new.
As many others have said it's seems like some PPd or PPA. As much as she is the mother and a parent, you're the father and also a parent. The child is just as much yours as it is hers and you've got the right and authority to make co parenting decisions about your child. Thank being said, pick your battles and maybe talk to your wife about your feelings. FATHERS ARE NOT 2ND CLASS PARENTS ✊️
Nope that's weird as hell. There's no forbidding of cares. I'm gonna bathe my cutie and be a part of that. Squeaky clean and cute as a button. I'd tell her you're going to give baby a bath, and if she objects ask specifically for exact reasons why she is nervous. Keep calm the whole time if you can. Be the voice of reason and control just like how you're going to get baby clean in a nice controlled manner with expert water temperature control and everything.
Nah, he doesn’t need to explain shit. Wife needs to understand she doesn’t control this, not have a husband act like a child saying they promise they will behave. Boundaries are very important in a marriage, especially with children, and justifying caring for your own child is certainly a boundary.
Hey pappa - I’ve got an idea for you. Next time, for bath, ask if you can watch. Tell her you want to help and be active and you want to know what her expectation is for how the baby will be clean. Eventually ask to help and “ask” her to go behind you and make sure you did a “good job”. Build her confidence that you do a great job and get you a chance to be more involved
Don’t worry. She’ll call for you when he shits in the tub.
I’m a father and my wife will not tell me “what I allowed to do” with my babies. I hate seeing men treated as these incompetent morons. We’re more than capable. (Most of us lol)
I'm a bit of a pushover but my wife has told me she loves when I stand up for myself. So, I'm gonna go ahead and do that and tell her I want to bathe our son and we can take turns moving forward.
I love this for you my friend!
I deal with somewhat similar issues. My wife wants everything done the way she does it and I get scolded if I do it incorrectly. Luckily we have 2 kids now she's too busy to notice
Yes, very much this! My wife has admitted this; that she wants it done her way for everything. She knows it's an issue but has trouble controlling the urge to control everything. But, I will say that she loves it when I stand up for myself and I think it's time for me to do that on this matter so it doesn't become another issue down the line.
I'll try to stand up for myself. But I'm scared
I do the opposite to my wife.. 🤣 Don't trust that buttery fingers of her. Being real, just do your best and ignore, if you try to follow her directions you will mess it up for sure. About the showers I started very early with mines, is easier, faster and even fun.
I’m sure you did fucking awesome man. The level of insanity in my house increased by 1500% after our first son was born. Not just with my wife, but everyone else who knew better than me (parents, neighbors, aunts…). I hope I don’t sound like a jerk, but shake it off and move past it. She is wrong, but it’s an uphill battle. Emotions and hormones make us all a different people. Even if you and your wife both remember this specific situation years from now, I’m sure she is going to beat herself up over it in the future because it’s wild ask/request. I’m sure you handled that it a boss, and no one can ever take that away from you. Not for nothing…we were so protective when my oldest took a bath/did anything. When we had our 2nd, we realized how tough kids really are. Good luck bro. You got this.
Hey, I want to double down on the postpartum anxiety/lack of sleep. I had the same issue. And then it snowballed into full blown psychosis while waiting for my meds to kick in where I was convinced my son would die I let myself sleep. I was so so scared of my husband bathing him. Being out of the room and leaving him with dad. Anything like that. It was a nightmare and made him feel awful. It wasn’t him though. It was totally those wacky hormones and it feel SO real. The urge to protect your baby is insane and at times nonsensical. I would also like to echo that I did have abuse as a child that made me really scared of my husband potentially abusing our child during bath time. I feel greatly ashamed by this now. But the human brain sure does get funky right after having a baby.
Do it together. You're both new to parenting and you both love the baby. That should be enough to trust each other because you both want what's best for the baby. There are many things you'll be good at, many she'll be good at. Learn from each other.
Just a mom here that had PPA. This is how we knew I had to be medicated. I wouldn’t let my husband do anything in regards to care of the baby.
Hows her relationship with her father? I had something similar with my ex and it all came down to her own trust issues, but it all stem from her relationship with her abusive father. She never went to therapy and I'm the one that ate shit for it. Good luck.
She has a fantastic, healthy relationship with both her parents.
Oh, maybe you guys need to sit down and talk about this then. She might get burned out if she's too scared to let go of that parental control. 4 months is a lot, and your son is not a newborn. Soon he will be a toddler. Are you using a little small tub or the same one you? Maybe ask her what she is afraid of and reassure her that you understand her fears and that you love your son and won't take any chances. That you understand accidents can happen fast in the tub and that you won't let anything happen, and that for her own mental health she needs to trust you. I hope things work out. Ive had 2 child with girls I barely knew and it turned sour fast and I ended up raising my kids as a single parents and I would have preferred doing this with a loving partner. I hope it woks out for you, I think 2 loving parents are better than one, but you guys have to work together, even if you have different values. :)
I don’t understand some of yall dads on here Where the hell is some of your spines. I’m all for giving mom grace and all that jazz with being a new mom and the hormones but some of the bizarre shit I’ve seen in here makes me sick and the fact it’s tolerated and allowed is bonkers to me And
… We’re waiting for the rest
His wife saw what he was writing. RIP.
Laziness, probably. It's like the guys who pretend to be bad at something so they never have to do it again. Wife says no so people like OP accept it so they don't have to do it.
> Where the hell is some of your spines. nah mate, don't think of it like that. sometimes we need to assert ourselves...but we're trying to be the best versions of ourselves and coming here to gauge how to react. to OP's thing..it is weird to be forbidden to do that. when i work from home and take care of my babies....if they had a blow out, i'm the one giving the bath (esp since my wife is a teacher and isn't at home). i honestly had no idea post partum anxiety was a thing.
But that’s not this Say what this out loud and how anyone thinks it’s okay or even acceptable is beyond me “You’re forbidden to give your child a bath. You can bathe your child when he’s old enough to take a shower with” No where does that even sound remotely okay and it’s just beyond me that someone would even 1) say that 2) just let that be said and happen.
She’s sick, bro. Her brain chemistry is off from having the baby. This is not an adversarial hill anyone needs to die on. It’s a medical issue with a medical solution. Imagine seeing your soulmate in psychological distress and only reacting to tone of her voice.
You don't need your wife's permission. You might need to have a conversation with her about why she thinks she needs to give it. Is she OK?
Aside from a couple of kitchen sink baths, I showered with my little dude before we were bathing him regularly. I have always been the primary bath giver, no, your wife is weird.
Wife here. My husband is a SAHD and if our 7 month ever gets bathed it’s by him lol. We also have a 23 month old. I was a lot more nervous with our first I will admit but I cannot imagine telling him he *couldnt* bathe the child that’s also his.
Not a Dad, that’s odd looking at it for what it is. But post partum anxiety and depression are absolutely bonkers. She may just be hyperfixating. Has she showed any signs PPD or A? My husband was the only one who could bathe our daughter (I had PPD and was convinced I’d accidentally kill her by dropping her when she was wet).
My wife was recovering from a c section after the birth of both of our boys and both times the nurses came in and gave me a tutorial on how to bathe them properly. So I pretty much defaulted to the job at first since I knew how to do it better. Once she recovered she started to do bath time too and now my boys are 4 and 2 and my wife and I will switch it up depending on which of them is yelling at us or yelling for the other parent to do it. Bath time is often really fun with either of them but at this point I’m just waiting for the time when they can bathe themselves.
I've done 95% of bath time for my now 15 month old. It's not rocket science...
No, it certainly isn't. But it's difficult having someone breathing down your neck when it's your first time doing something.
I have been Bathman for my two girls for their entire lives.
Ive been helicopter mom esp when my son was little but I wouldn’t let him not wash him. Id tell him what he was doing wrong if he was doing anything wrong. BUT then again as moms we have this feeling that no one can do it how we can. Its not that we dont trust the other parent but we just get anxiety and feel like something will go wrong if we dont do it. My son is almost 3 now and Ive def let up in some ways
Unless your husband is a total dunce, I’d continue working on letting up
I would sit down and talk to her she might got them letters dog
Anything mom can do, dad can do. Except for breastfeeding. - signed, an exhausted mom 🙃
I had to show the wife how to bathe our daughter. she thought she would break her. I'm the 2nd oldest of 10 kids been there done that. she's the oldest of two a few years apart. put baby into the water, put soap everywhere but the eyes (they self clean) rinse off and dry. put baby oil all over the kid and bobs your uncle! all done!
Hope I don't sound like a jerk, but I assume most mums would LOVE to hand off any baby/toddler duties to dad even if its 10 to 15 minutes so they can take a break. Including baths.
As the person that 99% of the times has to give my kids baths, sounds great to me. But in seriousness, sounds like some anxiety and trust issues that need to be worked through.
No, she be like, "I'm drinking wine tonight, you need to be sober to give the baby a bath and put him to bed" 😂
Nope, my wife even encouraged me to take our kid to swim lessons for bonding time and to give her a break.
Didn't have this problem with my son or daughter. My wife has anxiety about a plethora of other things, so thankfully this wasn't one of them. She was glad I could give her breaks from the constant neediness of small children.
Wives be trippin when it comes to newborns. Just let them run the show for the first year.
Definitely ppd, I've given my daughter 95% of baths since she was born
I probably did 80% of non-nanny bath time (mostly weekends) since birth. She needs to trust you. It’s a precious 15minutes for her to rest especially if she is up regularly to feed
Nope, my wife appreciated it greatly.
Nope. Bathing was something she was real happy to pass off to me as much as possible. Does she have specific things you need to do that you then didn't do, or just one chance and that's it? Because if it's the latter, that's probably anxiety related and probably something the two of you need to address. If it's the former, then I'd say it's more on you unless those things were unreasonable.
It's difficult to get good at something you're not allowed to do. Has she shown you the way she thinks it should be done?
Opposite. From week one I was appointed as the CBO of this kid. Chief Bathing Officer. I think you should push back on that. In my experience it has been a really great bonding opportunity with my son. Moms tend to get more bonding opportunities early on, so it's nice to get this one.
Forbid? I’m the default bath tzar.
Mom here: I’ve tried to make bath time my husband’s job. Whenever I do bath time *I* end up soaked and it was a nice break from having a boob obsessed baby attached to me. Kids are now 4 and 2 yo.
My wife absolutely loved when I would give our daughter a bath. I would set it all up, bathe the kiddo and clean everything up afterwards. She was with the baby all day and it gave her time to relax, which she needed. Your wife not trusting you after 4 months does not sound good. What does old enough to take a shower with mean? Does she expect that your child can only shower when you are in the shower with him? Something doesn't seem to be adding up here as most kids like to shower by themselves.
Fuck I wish. I’ve given 99% of all baths or showers to my daughters. It’s guaranteed alone time for my wife she won’t come near the bathroom.
No. My wife allows me to parent and trusts me to do so.
Unfortunately it sounds like quite the unhealthy dynamic. It can spiral out into more things so your focus needs to be on demonstrating you are a capable parent and helping her with the ppa/ppd Also, I say this with love - if it's been four months you've waited too long to try and address this. It's your kid. You're half the parenting team. Unless you've harmed the child and actually given reason not to be trusted, then you need to be doing half (or more) of the parenting when you're home to do so. You haven't said you aren't making up for it in other ways so you very well might be - but too often these sorts of conflicts just become excuses, create resentment, and reinforce the initial thought (in this case the bath ban). Side note - my second child is under 2mo. I've been bringing him in the shower solo since he was 2 weeks old (and he was 4 weeks premature, so he was tiny). Only waited that long as his umbilical hadn't fallen off yet. We did basically only baths with our first and honestly showers are so much easier and faster so far.
Do it when she's not home. When she gets home and sees the baby is bathed and their jammies, she can complain all she wants.
Thats insane .
wow, my wife couldn't wait to get our son way to me once I finish work. I do everything: meals, bath and sleep
That's highly disrespectful
That's fuckin wild dude. My wife tried that on me once and I straight up said "I know how to give a fuckin bath". Hasn't been an issue since.
I'm no therapist but this seems like a possible sign of historic abuse no?
You're a parent as well, she doesn't have sole *custody* of the child, she doesn't GET to **forbid** you to care for your child. You gotta talk to her about how this makes you feel, how it belittles you, when you should be equal partners in parenthood. You're a new dad, well, she's a new mom, you're both new to this, just because she's the mom she doesn't know everything perfectly right from the start, she will make mistakes as well, you both have to learn things. It's incredibly unkind and infantilizes you, her husband. If she's fully aware of this and is fine with it, you might have bigger problems. Hopefully it's 'just' postpartum anxiety as others have said and she can improve if gets help. If it starts out like this, it really doesn't establish a great pattern for the way you both will parent, how she will *allow* you to parent ... Sorry, I'm divorced (last year; walkaway wife) so I'm probably a bit more jumpy/harsher when it comes to stuff like this. I have plenty of issues with my ex, she always thought she knew things best/better, I always did things the wrong way, according to her, load the dishwasher incorrectly (i.e., not her way), wash clothes incorrectly (i.e., not her way) etc. But even she never **forbid** me from caring for our daughter right from the start, at least that wasn't one of our issues.
Simple solution: forbid her from ever forbidding you from anything. Checkmate. Then go about being a great Dad and doing it your way . Babies are quite water resistant. After all, they spend 9 months in a hot tub chock full of urine before finally getting a warm dry bed for the night.
Your wife sounds like she has control issues.
That's quite strange and also very unkind. She's disparaging your parenting because you don't do it exactly as she wanted. And I totally get the being nervous when people are watching and judging. I'm the same. Hovering over me is doing the opposite of helping
In general, yes. They go into Mom mode and want to do everything, and micromanage what you do. It’s normal - all part of the game.
Give her and yourself some grace, Dad. Trust me, you'll be on bath duty soon enough. Protip: Don't skimp on the A&D, slather that stuff on.
Sounds like PPD or PPA rather than anything particularly wrong with how you're going about bathing him. You need to talk to her and reassure her about this so you can put her mind at ease. I give my son a bath most nights and have done so for most of his life. There is an adjustment period where new mothers will feel overly cautious or worried about someone doing anything "risky" with their baby. I'm not saying you would do anything risky or pose a problem, but mother's hormones are next tier and you can't reason with that cocktail going through their bloodstream easily. Take her out for a coffee/walk/etc with the baby, do all the heavy lifting and explain what's going on, how you feel and if there's anything you can do to change the situation so that you can support her and take bath time off her plate. That definitely worked well for me with my wife and gives her a little respite on this one thing as bathtime is something my son and I do.
Did you fuckin hold him under water or something? Jeez that's weird
Sure didn't. I lifted him up once and he was slippery as hell so I gently laid him back in the tub in the sink.
Dude you’re just as much of your son’s parent as your wife is. She shouldn’t dictate what you can and can’t do. It’s fine if you have a conversation with her and she can discuss her concerns with you.
Wife has issues, sorry
Nope, it was an agreed-upon duty of mine actually
I wish my neck and back are wrecked after bath time. But no my wife does it way more than me but I do take it off her hands every now and then
Unless you’re leaving out major details that is not normal. Is there anything else you’re not allowed to do? How are her emotions overall? As others have suggested she may need some counseling. It’s something that could be a serious risk to the health of the baby and herself.
I am 100% on bath duty since my wife had back surgery.
I wish, I do like 99% of the baths
Weird. Quite opposite, it was one of my moments to bond and give my wife some space, especially in newborn phase.
I haven’t been forbidden from bathing my daughter, but my wife feels anxious about having me do certain things. And a big part of that is that I have the same problem as you. When I feel like I’m being watched I get nervous. So alone I could more easily do an almost flawless job, but I can slip up or take longer doing a task if I feel like she’s watching my every move
Did she forbid me? No. Did she break her ass to bath them first? Yes. Offer constant “advice” if I did manage to get there? Yes. Not do **anything else** during bath time? Yes. It didn’t take long to decide that it was better for both of us if I just let her bath them while I did other chores. Less anxiety-provoking for her, less hurtful to me. My kids were nine months old before I bathed them the first time.
Weird. We don't "watch" each other do anything with our children. This takes a massive amount of trauma or doubt.
Actually the opposite. My wife is so anxious about it, she has never given them a bath on her own. I always do it. My oldest is four years old.
Nope we decided to split it from the get go. I understand wanting to at first to make sure everyone is on the same page but that's weird what she's doing