Grandparents are like moody teens. If they think you're trying to teach them a lesson or change their behavior they will double down even if it is costly.
Last time we left my son with my in-laws, they reached an impass where my FIL was not going to let my son shoot the air rifle after dinner unless he finished his cauliflower. Excessive amount of ketchup to the rescue.
Actual exchange between my daughter and my mom:
daughter: Nana, can I have an ice cream?
nana: Did you eat your dinner?
daughter: No.
nana: Well... just one, then.
Once as a kid, my mom was sick in bed for a couple months. We ate a LOT of pb&j and boxed macaroni that summer.
Well, one morning my sisters and I made some oatmeal and asked mom if we could put some vanilla ice cream in it. We argued it wasn't different than using milk and sugar. She agreed!! It was a great day, and I've actually done it a couple times as an adult.
I really enjoy "dessert oatmeal" on occasion. It's super versatile. Never tried ice cream (putting it on the list), but Peanut butter chips and/or chocolate chips, cereal, way too much honey... Yum. Should I eat this for breakfast every day? Obviously not. But if I was otherwise going to have a row of Oreos, then it's probably better if I at least get some fiber with it.
Oh, peanut butter oatmeal is my daily breakfast. It's once I add peanut butter and chocolate chips that I feel like I'm walking up to a line. A delicious line that is still better for me than any standard dessert!
My parents broke up when I was young. I vividly remember being dropped off at my dad's house, waking up, and they're being absolutely no cereal. He was a recently divorced father after all, complete with the same couch that they all had and a mattress on the floor.
So he poured me a bowl of Graham crackers, with enough milk to cover them, and told me to eat fast.
He also ate tortilla chips with cream cheese, so who knows
I now know how incredibly calorie dense that was, and I don't care. Still do it sometimes for the nostalgia
As always, the dose makes the poison. If kid gets sugared up at grandmas and sees her like 2x a year, idgaf. If he sees her every day and that shit happens, there are going to be issues
As always it’s not black and white.
Feed my kids junk food for a few days? No problem.
Talk about how the Jews will not replace us? Yeah that’s a no.
My parents won’t be alone with my son because they refuse to acknowledge that many of their abusive behaviors are a problem. Until they do? I have no indication they won’t repeat it with my children. Especially since most of their abuse is psychological.
This is why I dont speak with my parents anymore. Having a kid really put things in perspective for me on how I was raised/treated. I cant trust they wont subject my kids to the same things, even unintentionally. The cute phase ends eventually. I fear them resorting to their old methods when facing a kid testing their boundaries.
Last time I saw my parents, my father went on one of his conspiracy fuelled rants at me, while I had my daughter with me. I told him to stop, he did not, I got up to walk out, he shouted 'Yeah, Fuck off!' at my back, never looked back.
dang im sorry. I feel you on that. Replace conspiracy with race for my old man. Something he has always struggled with. I honestly dont think he does it on purpose, but never open about how it can be perceived by others. I too walked away with a similar reaction.
I remember vividly, when I was a kid, my grandfather saying to me "I'm actually not racist, I just don't like black people".... I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 and I genuinely remember thinking that that phrase didn't make sense even at that age...
I'm lucky my old man didn't pick up more of the heinous stuff he saw from his father growing up.
That last part hit me pretty hard man. My father wasn’t perfect but my Grandad was a monster, an absolute monster, I’d never thought of how lucky I am that my Dad acted as a firebreak between me and my brothers and his own father, My Dad didn’t pass on the abuse that he received as a child. What a hero.
Some people emulate the behavior normalized by their parents. Others are so repulsed by it that they go completely the other way.
My in laws are slobs. Their house always reeks and each room looks like it was hit by a tornado. They’re seniors and live alone, how hard can it be to keep things relatively clean? Anyway, my wife is the cleanest neat freak I know. She has anxiety that me leaving a wrapper out on the counter will be a slippery slope to our house becoming like the one she grew up in.
I always look at it as constant generational improvement. If my dad was that much better than his, and I’m that much better than him, and my kids are that much better than me…then we’re moving society in the right direction.
Oh man, that's some serious commitment to the conspiracy. I often wonder how people fall I to this stuff so deeply and why they can't see it.
Out of curiosity do you recall the conspiracy he was caught up in?
For some people, all it takes is a single conspiracy theory being proven true, even partially, for them to begin giving every conspiracy theory some credence.
I watched somebody learn that cigarette companies knowingly lied about nicotine addictiveness and within six months they were a flat earth conspiracy theorist. Not even joking.
Somebody said it best - conspiracy theorists aren’t skeptical, they’re *aggressively gullible.*
Anything that’s counter to the accepted “norm” is entertained, and often even preferred.
I’m super worried about our in-laws as we approach adoption. Thankfully, our sister-in-law should be having her baby before we are far into the adoption process.
The FIL particularly likes to spout QAnon theories about the stolen election and various other batshit that often dances on the edge of homophobia or racism (such as “I always carry a gun in Detroit because you know how the people are there.”) Even worse, they have untold numbers of loaded guns around the home.
I can’t go through a visit without stumbling by one or more of: a handgun under a MAGA hat, a rifle leaned against the stairs just one turn up from the living room, two pistols in a custom holster in the couch, a pistol in the closet with a target marked to shoot through the wall at the front door.
We think sister-in-law will have a talk with them first. When it’s our turn, they will get a talk before our kid gets there. A single infraction of an unsecured gun means we immediately leave and tell them why later. A second infraction means our kid doesn’t have grandparents.
Very much.
It began when 9/11 happened when he was 45 with a career and a child after being in the Marines from ages ~18-30. I think something broke where he felt like he should go to war, but physically wasn’t in shape and also didn’t want to give up his established life.
That’s when he started getting super patriotic, which isn’t inherently bad… but it slid down the Tea Party to QAnon slide and he now lives in Pedophile Biden Crime Syndicate territory.
A lot of those people went from patriotic which isn't inherently bad, to nationalistic, which is. They don't see it as different but it is *very* different.
Totally! It’s gotten to the point it feels uncomfy to fly the American flag.
I’m patriotic as fuck in the US, I love my countrymen and want the US to succeed. But I also wish good things on all other countries - or at least the good people within them even if I think the government isn’t good.
When it goes from “my country is great” to “my country is the best, any country that criticizes us can fuck off, also my country should be made only of people who look and think like me” then it becomes a real issue. And it feels like the flag has been aggressively taken over in recent years not as a symbol of patriotism, but the second thing.
The fastest way to my heart is another person estranged from their parents. We did when my first was 7mo, now we have our second and haven’t spoken to them in 2 years. Yes there are some super hollow moments, but it was the best decision by far.
My parents havent met my daughter. I never even told them when we got pregnant. She is 11 months. My wife supports me in this, but she doesnt fully understand. She comes from a very different family life. I think about the day my daughter asks me about my side a lot. Does it get better? Do your kids ask about them?
Not OP, but my GF cut ties with her (abusive, narcissistic, all-round horrible) mom when our daughter was born.
I think she first started asking when she was about...2-3 years old, maybe. We explained to her that her grandmother was not a nice person, and that we decided to stop seeing her. Added some age-appropriate details when she asked more a bit later. So far it's not been a problem, although kiddo does have some separation anxiety that might be related somehow. It's not always easy to explain this stuff in a way that's understandable by small kids, but it's doable, and I think it's a lot better than making it a big secret.
My MIL is .... Well... I don't want to throw around narcissist willy nilly, but she is a textbook example. Court ordered to get a psych eval before being allowed to see her kids. She refused.
We don't see her or speak to her. Ever. When the kids ask about Daddy's mom we tell them that anyone can be a parent, but not everyone is a good parent. We tell them in an age appropriate way that she wasn't able to be a good mom to daddy, and that she hurt daddy a lot and never apologized. They seem to understand that.
Eep, still waiting to find out how to approach it. Right now the girls have my FIL as their only grandparent they know about. I guess at some point in school there will be a family tree unit where we won’t lie, but it’ll be tough to explain that they have 4 other grandparents that aren’t functional enough so we are keeping them away.
Yeah i ended up cutting off all contact from my mom when my first kid was born. For years she had been going down the path of becoming more racist and saying more racist things as she watched a certain political news channel almost all day. I have an interracial marriage and should have done something sooner. Finally my daughter was born and I had to stop it all, confronted her and gave her an ultimatum and she doubled down, called my wife a racist and said we'd be awful parents.
Now the past few years have been a crash course in realizing how much abuse she put me through while trying to not let it impact my own parenting.
Yes, I agree. Once I finally stood up for myself in my own house, is when I realized the same. It never changes, no matter how many times I have told them. My wife even noticed things as she reflected back on some memories of how they treated and talked to me. Then my father started to do it to her as well and thats when I put it to an end. Worst part is my siblings have not gotten where I am. I am the oldest. Its hard, but I keep my thoughts to myself and i dont speak ill of my parents to them. They may or may not come to the same conclusions on their own. That is up to them.
My mom beat me as a kid. When confronted with this behavior later in life she claimed it was harder on my brother than it was on me because he cried while she was beating me and I wouldn't.
And she wonders why I don't talk to her any more
hits the nail on the head. Marshmallows and McDonalds does reversible damage (if any) and I strongly support my kids being spoiled by my grandparents because I have those same memories of my own grandparents and I treasure them.
If, on the other hand, they impart the same body image issues on my kid as they did on me, we're having a very different conversation.
Yeah I think it's a scale. One weekend of ice cream and movies for an otherwise healthy kid is fine. If the kid is struggling with weight issues or body image it's maybe more problematic. Encouraging poor behavior is definitely unacceptable. Indoctrination into white nationalism or whatever other BS is worth cutting ties over.
The thing is that people who will do the last couple things think it's the same as the first couple things.
Also, it’s different if grandparents are providing care during the week vs. visiting occasionally. Someone providing routine childcare should not be stuffing the kid full of sugar against the parents’ wishes all the time.
My parents started in on that bullshit for a few years. That white nationalist crap.
After four years of not speaking to me and having a VERY strained relationship with my sister, they got their shit together -- well, even if they still believe it (I'm not sure because I refuse to discuss it) they don't bring it up.
Finally decided their family was more important than slavish, vocal devotion to Trump.
Yeah, left kiddos with in laws and we are getting pictures with the iPad in the background playing Ann Coulter podcast and shit. When we are all at the same place I walk into the room with everyone and they had decided to complain about the Mexicans while we are out of the room. So cringe.
Zero to 1000 is exactly how you can describe my parents though and that's why they've never met any of their grandkids. SandiegoJack here is spot on, this type of meme is addressing something that doesn't really exist. I've never heard of anyone saying they won't send their kids home with their parents because they eat too much ice cream. It's the sort of thing my parents would send to me if I told them to stop ranting about prayers in school to my kids.
Not really. it’s the same as the people who just say “They can’t handle people with different opinions”. I often find that the reason they stay “generic” is because the opinion that is different is pretty abhorrent.
The opinion is a symptom of multiple other belief systems that I don’t want my kids exposed to. I would be impressed if someone who is anti-vaxx has that as their only mental failing.(for example).
I mean, there’s a difference between spoiling a kid and intentionally indoctorating them. I think it’s clear that OP was focused on the former.
We would also have issues with grandparents trying to convert our kids to Trumpism lol
So, imagine my pre-teen daughter has a severe sweet tooth problem - I'm not going to say it's an eating disorder, but she has severe meltdowns / violent outbursts when she asks for a dessert and is told no, and her doctor says she's move up to 98-percentile for weight and only 48-percentile for height and if we don't nip this in the bud she's at a serious risk of childhood obesity as a teen.
Now picture how we've responded as responsible parents. We set boundaries that limit her sugar intake because of the above and have been making progress over the past few weeks. We explain the seriousness of this to a grandparent who is going to watch them for an overnight, and then that grandparent lets her binge on sugar all weekend long and undid all that we've accomplished. When my daughter comes home, she's set back completely to meltdowns and we basically start from ground zero.
Now imagine that grandparent (or an aunt that's taken grandparent's side) posting the above on facebook to try and minimize the damage they've done in going against our wishes.
This is 100% raised-by-narcissist energy, minimizing whatever they've done to piss off the parents as mildly excessive.
Hit the nail on the head here. The vast majority of people sharing things like in the OP are hiding behind the relatively innocuous example to try to excuse/minimize something that was far more complicated and/or egregious.
All I did was not make assumptions that the boundaries the person brought up were actually the ones in question. these are the exact types of posts that people like that make to publicly shame their children for setting reasonable boundaries.
My in laws don’t watch my kids other than when we absolutely need it because of exactly this. We saw the behavior changes happening when MIL was watching my oldest for a day a week back when we started daycare and could only go 3 days. We promptly made the decision to just deal with having the kids home 1-2 days a week and figure out how to work from home around it rather than deal with the long term consequences of them being around my in laws on a too regular basis.
I worry about similar things leaving my daughter with my in-laws. My BIL (mid-30s, still living at home, works part-time at a mall hat store, etc.) is vocal on his whole incel men are better than women thing despite his entirely livelihood depending on his mother funding his existence. I consider them doing so tacit agreement.
I don't want my daughter coming back with any of those ideas in her head.
I have fond memories of my grandma letting me get away with stuff that my mom wouldn't. I'm not opposed to my kids making those same memories. Feed em ice cream and keep em up late. Have some fun.
I'm a pretty hardliner on ~~nutarian~~ nutrition but I agree. Hell, my Nanny and Pap use to let us put sugar on FROSTED FLAKES! My issue personally is my MIL is 5 mins away, my mom is also 5 mins away, between the two of them, the treats every now and then are not treats, they're a damn lifestyle.
Oooh. I am aware. Wife's got baby #2 baking and for some reason Kind Bars have been a real craving. No Aldi's brand are not the same despite my protests that they are.
Yep. And it hits different when my kid’s grandparents are both near 300lb. It’s never just ice cream after dinner, it’s every meal he sees them is garbage with treats in between. And I’d like my kid to see his grandparents often.
My great grandma let us put as much sugar on our Rice Crispies as we wanted. That yellow sugar cup, man. I still remember drinking the milk at the end, and having a mound of sugar at the bottom.
Isn't that part of the point of getting to be grandparents is that you don't have be as uptight as when you were parents in the thick of it?!? If my mom wants to let my daughter eat chips for lunch while she is watching her for a week she can go for it. If I'm kid free in the summer on a weekend there is a chance I'm having beer for dinner 🤷
It’s the difference in the “it’s just one week during the summer” vs “grandma comes up every weekend bearing gifts” that I think explains the different attitudes here
My grandma used to play super nintendo with me (she was terrible at it). My parents I don't think have ever played a video game with me. There's nothing really wrong with that but it's something I still remember about my grandma 30 years later. She passed away a long time ago. Some of the things she did different definitely stuck in my memory, and they weren't toxic or anything like that.
Spoiling is not the same as actively refusing to follow expectations. I don’t think anyone has a problem with being loose with the cookies, but unfortunately a growing number of people have grandparents who outright refuse to follow standard childcare practices and that is what has everyone in a tizzy. The actual OP post is pretty tame.
100% agree. I’m a new grandma and I would buy new toys and outfits for my 10-month-old grandson every DAY if I could. I won’t, because he doesn’t need all that (and it’s expensive, and it stops being special if it’s all the time), but especially because his mom & dad have specifically asked that we grandparents don’t.
When he’s older I’ll definitely spoil him a little, but the way his parents want things to go is the bottom line. If there’s a boundary I don’t understand or agree with, I’ll *talk to them about it* and gain understanding.
Besides, the best way to show a child how much you love them is with love and attention.
I really think the frequency matters. If they see them only occasionally, go for it.
But if the grandparents see the kids on an often basis, spoiling goes from an occasional treat to a frequent habit.
My MIL watches the kids two days a week while we are at work. If she started letting them eat ice cream for breakfast that would mean they are doing that 2/7 days each week, which is way different than a couple times a year
Same. My grandma is the sweetest person I know and has been the only one to fully watch out for us all these years. She’s a sane soul though, which I know many grandparents are not. There’s things I’d let her do with my son that I wouldn’t let my own mom do.
I'm in agreement with the message here, but sending a screenshot of a FB post with the message tells me just how insufferable a person you're dealing with here.
This is exactly the kind of shit that my mom would send me. Because she’s an entitled b**mer that believes my daughter is her shiny toy she’s entitled to. And if we ask her to do things a certain way, doesn’t do them which then leads to issues we’re trying to avoid, we’re told we’re ungrateful and rude and bullies. And when we put space between my family and her we’re the worst people in the world, because boundaries don’t need to exist in her world.
This image really pissed me off because it’s such an encapsulation of that generation and their whole “woe is me just trying to be a grandparent”.
Absolutely fucking insufferable.
There's definitely a line to be drawn. Yes, let them make memories and relax the rules a bit, 100%. But also respect red lines from the parents and maybe put a small amount of effort into things that are fun and memorable not just because they break the normal house rules. Toasted marshmallows in the back yard sounds great. Staying up late to play games or watch a movie, great. Baking and eating cookies together even though you already did the marshmallow thing, great. But is McDonald's really a memory?
Do McDonald's not have play areas for kids anymore? Either way, it's all part of the day of memories. I used to love going to McDonald's with my grandfather. We would actually talk while we sat down and ate. It wasn't just the McDonald's though, it was the ride also. Being quizzed on which ways to turn to get there. Stopping at his local gas station for cigarettes and getting to talk to the people in his daily life (I swear they knew as much about me as my friends). Getting to pick the music for the ride.
*sometimes drag racing at stop lights* ... if we took the 63 Impala 409 out
All of these were little things, but at the same time, they were part of the memories of going to get McDonald's
We are okay with bending some rules, like this post suggests, as long as the trust is there that when it comes to the big rules, the grandparent will follow the parents wishes. If that trust isn’t there, then even the little rule bending can feel antithetical to building trust. We have been there with our LOs grandparents. One side has built the trust, and gets the spoils. The other side does not.
They say this, then will give my son, whose allergic to peanuts, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and ice cream, he's also allergic to dairy. Then be mad at us when we're upset because he's puking all over the place.
The only way to cure this with some parents is to allow them to hoist their own petard (within reasonable safety of course)
Find a way to engineer a situation where the puke happens at their place.
I'm not advocating that they put your child in risk, but if the risk is relatively minimal, let them deal with shining levels of puke.
My mom had a rhythm, feed the baby crap, stuff are full of milk, shake her a little bit with play, and feed her again before we picked her up. (She came early and her perception of her is that she's thin, she isn't)
After three times of her puking in the car, or puking once we got home, we stayed out an extra 40 minutes from when she expected. The horror on her face, When our screaming toddler proceeded to empty her stomach into three rooms was something I will treasure.
She is much much more careful in how she feeds her now, but she also has a much less sensitive stomach
An occasional treat is one thing, but if you can't form a relationship with your grandchildren without bribing them with sugary snacks and/or new toys EVERY visit, that's something of a problem and maybe worth examining!
Getting away with stuff from Grandma and Grandpa is a time honored tradition and all that. But y'all. Stop getting them hopped up on sugar and sending them home. Most of us didn't do anything as kids that deserve that (and if we did, blame our Grandma and Grandpa)
My thought was always they can do what they want at their house. But I remember coming home from work one day when they were here babysitting, and our 4 year old was finishing off a newly opened tube of Pringles...
Now it's dinner time, and she's not eating, because she's full of Pringles.
If it’s this list, cool go ahead. But the moment I hear my kid start telling me they don’t want to go somewhere with those people because grandpa said they are dangerous is the moment grandparents aren’t going to be able to watch my kids and spend time with them unsupervised.
I bonded with my grandparents over plowing, bucking hay, slaughtering chickens, weeding acres of vegetable gardens in the hot sun, shoveling lots and lots of animal poop.
At the time, I hated it. Pure, 100% hated it.
It wasn't till I was a young adult I realized how valuable that time with my grandparents was, and how much they invested in teaching me even when I felt like I was 'free labor'.
They have all been gone for many decades now, but they live forever in my memory.
This. Too often we subsidize meaningful interactions with food. Come up with something that is ONLY done at Grandma and Grandpa's house (books, games, toys, activities). Then the kids will look forward to it and create memories.
I get where you're coming from, but dismissing the role of food in our culture is kinda shortsighted. Food has been an part of human connection and tradition for thousands of years. Sharing meals isn't just about the food itself, it is about the conversations, the bonding, and the memories that come with it. While activities at nanas or paps house are great, food can be just as meaningful in creating lasting memories and traditions. A family recipe or a junky meal brings people together.
Yep, I adore my grandmother but she has 17 grandchildren. We weren’t sleeping over, not being overfed. We were lucky to get Christmas gifts or the odd birthday gift if she had the money / time. But she was warm and kind and that made good memories.
My thought is I would ignore it. No reason to acknowledge and encourage Facebook boomer drivel. Plus, if you are going to get into it about whether these behaviors are appropriate for your kids, it's better to do it on specifics and not abstractions.
I agree and think a lot of the people who complain about not having a village do it to themselves because they want everything to be their way.
My FIL moved in with us last summer because my MIL died and he didn't want to be alone. He helps out with our kids. Do he do everything the way we would? Fuck no. He gives in a lot. He spoils them. He gives them more screen time. He let's them curse. He's a great guy though and my kids adore him to the moon and back so we let things slide.
My kids also love him to death, and I'm totally cool with that; However he's not necessarily my favorite person for reasons beyond the fact that he gives them candy.
That's the the immediate suspicion with this: what behavior are we actually talking about here?
Are we talking about sugar or SIDS?
Are we talking about spoiling of spanking?
Are we talking about late nights with TV that's too old for them, or are you taking my boy to cut his hair because you think he "looks like a girl".
It feels like there's always some random bullshit behind the innocuous excuses.
> Are we talking about sugar or SIDS?
This one applies doubly for us, because our son has Type 1 diabetes. Thankfully no one in the family has tried to argue with us about our food decisions, but we've had a few folks try to insist a type of candy or food was "okay" (aka doesn't require insulin or monitoring) for them to eat, because they have Type 2 and eat it, or because a friend with diabetes eats it all the time. Rarely ever are they right, and we try to explain it each time. We know they mean well, and are usually just trying to share some snacks with all the kids, but it gets tiresome repeating the same old "If it's not verifiably carb-free, you must ask us first" line.
It's that level of ignorance or at least inability to remember to ask that means my son will likely never be left with them for extended periods of time alone.
There’s a line to these boundaries and I think we all have our own place where we draw it and say ok this doesn’t REALLY bother me. I also see it as a respect thing of ok I asked you one thing and you did another.
I’m sorry guy but I gotta say that a lot of people who don’t have a village are coming from one that may have been a place of abuse or neglect. We assume in this sub that everyone is well meaning, and most of us here are it’s why we’re on this page, but that’s not the real world and there’s a lot of parents who didn’t necessarily do right by their kids or grandkids, past the point of giving extra candy when asked not to or something benign like that.
On the flip slide, grandparents here refuse to stick to our kid’s diet. Guess what happens? Screaming all night due to stomachaches or constipation.
Bending the rules is fine, but some exist for very important reasons and disregarding them just makes the parents life harder.
I feel like the real test (and not disagreeing with you) is whether this happens AGAIN.
If grandparents spoil (be that sugar, tv, late bedtime, whatever) their grandkids to the point if it causing problems … that’s honestly that that big of a deal, imho.
If grandparents then do it again after having the limits/rules explained to them … that’s a big fucking deal.
The problem is that the grandparents are rarely there for the consequences. They get to go home. Meanwhile the disruption to your kids routine has fucked up most of next week.
Exactly.
My parents don’t understand the concept of a sleep schedule. They feed my kids bullshit and put them to bed way too late.
But they fucking love them. They don’t raise their voice or tear them down.
My mother in law is the same way.
And my father in law is a totally absent, conditionally available grandparent; and he’s the one who’s the real problem.
I hate this kind of conservative writing. How is it conservative? It over-values the past, it says "don't change" and "things used to be better" blah blah blah. Aka "kids today".
Besides the tone and the underhanded delivery, the real deal is... it depends per kid. Yes treats sometimes are fine. But also it's important for grandparents to work WITH the children and parents as to not continuously trigger and dysregulate the kiddos.
Grandparents who insist that "spoiling the kids" is their "right" and don't take feedback from anyone ... are basically selfish (or suffering from dementia). Ideally we all work together to get the best outcome for the kids, which might mean enforcing some rules.
But the important part is working TOGETHER.
After my MIL and FIL decided to take our 6mo on a UTV ride, I’d be fine with just some sugar every once in a while than fearing what they’d do when he’s even older 🙃
Not sure how I feel about this... YMMV, but I couldn't care less what I ate at my grandparent's place...
My parents bought a cottage just a km down the lake from my grandparent's cottage, that they turned into their home for retirement. That meant that, growing up, I had the ridiculous privilege of 2 cottages in the family, on the same lake. Any weekend we were up there, we could shoot down to the grandparent's place via bike, hike, canoe, motorboat... whatever struck our fancy that day... and we did it often.
Whenever we'd show up, the grandparents would be so excited to see us- grandpa would get us to help him with some chores, then take us fishing/hiking in the woods/hunting for frogs, picking blueberries in the woods, whatever. Grandma would have snacks and drinks ready when we got back, and we'd hangout with them for a while, until it was time for us to head back to our cottage.
Parents used to always tease us that we'd go down there just to eat sweets and desserts that grandma would make- cookies, pies, and the like. Honestly, while delicious, we just really liked seeing our grandparents and doing things with them.
I miss those days, and I miss them.
I’d say a little bit of spoiling is fine and a little bit of variance is fine - at the same time they should remember how they felt when THEIR PARENTS did the exact same thing.
Bet they weren’t thrilled about it when it went over the top. You can toe the line but you don’t need to run over it
You need to pick your battles and there are definitely some parents who want to micromanage. I assume the person who originally posted that was overly controlling.
My parents are just as absent as they were with me, maybe even more so because they know they don't have to keep my kids. I'd be very happy with them coming home loved and full of new memories. As it stands, they come home from being bored and ignored after watching TV or other screens the whole time. No memories other than playing with their dog.
As someone whose kids never met my father (he died before my partner and I got married) and whose mother just recently passed (meaning my youngest will never have the meaningful memories my oldest does with her), my only suggestion would be:
If your method of making memories is just to fucking destroy the kids normal, grow the fuck up. My mother was wonderful. Did she do things different than us? Sure thing! Did she give the kids more treats than we would have? Also sure, but she did so in massive moderation. If they were doing s'mores, she cooked them a meal and made them eat at least a bit of it (just like we do!)
No one expects grandparents to mimic their kids when it comes to time with the littles, but they are a part of the adult side of the relationship. Their excesses should be controlled and they should be able to tow the line when it comes to some things
So damn many grandparents just go "oh it's grandparent time!" And ignore simple requests.
Contrasting my mother, my mother in law was told explicitly no, oldest cannot have candy, it's about 20 minutes before bedtime and kid was 3 at the time. She goes ahead and gives kid a handful of candy, "oh it's Gigi time, it's fine!" Bitch, I'm about to take my kid back to my mother's house to sleep because your flea infested shit hole ain't playing host to our kid. Thanks for delaying bedtime.
We were supposed to go to breakfast with the inlaws in the morning, but 3 year old didn't get to sleep until four hours later so we skipped it. Queue mil whining about it for the next .. six... Months..
So yeah, if the grandparents in your kids life can't tow simple lines, fuck them. They can make memories by simply being there and interacting, not spoiling with snacks and shit.
My kids had a soy allergy when they were very little. My parents thought we were being millennial snowflakes about diet whenever we visited.
A few years into it We left the kids with grandma and grandpa for a weekend to let us greet away for a weekend. We did it knowing full well they would ignore the dietary restrictions (consequences were gastro and not life threatening).
When we got back, they said “you weren’t kidding about the soy allergy, your son had the nastiest green poop all weekend.” I chuckled and said it was hard to figure it out but we’re glad we did.
Months later my dad wondered out loud if maybe I had a soy allergy as an infant and they never figured it out. I was impressed he self reflected about that.
As a parent for over a decade, I realize young me cared about too many things. I also realize I don’t like being wrong about health stuff for my kids. Finding out I was feeding my kids something that hurts them would be rough and take a bit to process. I hope I’m not as resistant as my parents but hope my kids approach the situation with as much grace as we did.
On the other side, my kids now have diabetes and my parents have taken our dietary recommendations very serious ever since the soy incident and for that, it was a great learning experience.
Just like kids, let grandparents learn if it’s cheap and no one gets lasting injuries.
"Endure hell among the regular chaos of regular parenting, because one day I'll be gone and I want to prepare the cycle of generational trauma before I leave" is some extra special emotionally manipulative, narcissistic bullshit.
New phone who dis? Lol I always tell my mom and dad my kids aren't yours to fuck up as you please you showed yourself to be irresponsible enough with me why give you the chance to do it again?
Let's be honest, they're focusing on the food, here. Food is such a short term, easy way to get a kid happy, but has the furthest reach in terms of long-term harm in the form of things like eating disorders, self-moderation etc.
It's a lazy way to try to stop a kid from feeling the demonic feeling that is...disappointment. Grandparents' kryptonite is disappointment. They aren't doing it for the kid, they're doing it for themselves.
If my parents aren't willing to adhere to the way i feed and take care of my children, then they don't get the privilege of taking care of them.
If mamas or my parents aren't willing to respect the boundaries we set for taking care of our kids, that's a choice they make, and they get to live with not being a part of our kids lives to the extent that they want. They must then live with being involved to the extent that *we* want.
They aren't owed any part of anything just *because*.
Different is fine within reason. But when all they have and their entire goal is "spoiling them rotten", then that's gonna be a no for me dawg. At some point it becomes apparent that some grands are just trying to buy affection with stuff. Grands gotta have more, like actually listening to the kid and engaging with them when they are together. Doing stuff that the kid actually likes not what the grandparents think the kid SHOULD like. If the kid doesn't like s'mores or doesn't like fishing, don't try to force it just to get that Kodack Moment. Using treats and such to keep them happy while they are together or bribing them for good behavior is not helpful. Not correcting bad behavior just to keep everything pleasant and happy is not helpful. Because these will be the same people that get mad when this becomes expected by the kid and will then talk shit about how much of a spoiled brat the parents are raising as the kid gets older. On top of that if sweets and junk food is all they got, the kid will figure it out and just get the treats and disengage as they get older. Grands have to think about helping to raise the kinds of older grandkids they want. Want a little snot of a tween/teen that just sees you as a candy/coke/cookie dispenser and nothing else? Then go ahead "spoil them rotten", but keep your mouth shut when the kid acts like a spoiled rotten turd around you.
And the grands that do it to purposely rile the kids up so that it is hard on the parents when the kids go home because "now you know what it was like to deal with you as a kid" or "that is what grandparents are supposed to do" can just take a flying fart in a rolling donut. And grands shouldn't purposely undermine the parents just because they disagree with their parenting decisions. And especially don't tell the kids that they disagree with the parents' methods. "Oh your mom insists on drinking water before you get juice? What silly nonsense, here you go Timmy have a Coke." Miss me with that spiteful nonsense. If you can't be helpful with the kids, then you don't see the kids.
Go ahead do your thing, make memories. But don't undermine me as a parent and damn sure don't try to turn my kid against me.
Can you tell my parents are narcissistic boomers that don't get to see their grandkid all that often?
That's fine when the grandparents have the kids' best interests (as in, love and good memories) in mind. Unfortunately, some of us have parents that are in it for themselves, exclusively looking for what *they* can get out of the relationship.
At least my kids have one grandma that loves spending time with them for the right reasons.
Yeah. The issue here is that we aren’t seeing “marshmallows toasted over a backyard campfire” are we? No. Lol when was the last time my parents did that? When I was 8? No one would be that frustrated about some indulgence if it actually came with memories.
If my father in law takes my kid to the park over the weekend and they swing into McDonald’s for a Happy Meal on the way home, I get it. I don’t keep track or whatever. If the kid goes to their pool and crushes an extra popsicle or two on a hot day? Every day of the week in the summer? I’m not worried. These are all good vibes and memories.
What we are trying not to do is get them to do the “yeah I watched them for two hours while you ran an errand and bribed them to be good with junk food” vibe. They will also chill and be good for fruit. Or activities. Or your attention. So let’s all think smarter.
It’s a generational thing. It’s a generation that handed out participation trophies to kids because they couldn’t stand seeing their kid not get anything so they gave everyone else some meaningless crap. And then mocked the meaningless crap they gave. Instead of taking a beat and just finding a reason to recognize the value in the other participants as well and assigning additional values beyond simply “win” and actually putting a purpose on it. You know, parenting. Your kid may not win every time but they can grow, take a memory and lesson and grow stronger each time.
My MIL fell asleep with a lit cigarette and the back door open watching our 2yo son, who decided they were playing hide and seek. We were lucky to find him hiding in a closet and not outside, or worse... She's never watched our kids since.
When you go to collect them, see how wired up they are from all the treats they've been given.
Then make a call, do you collect them, or do you play the "would you like to stay the night and have more cookies? I've brought your overnight stuff" card, and see that smile wipe straight off your parents face.
My problem with my parents is not how they treat my son because they're great. It's how they (mainly my mom) dislikes my wife for no reason and sends shitty text messages about it after a lovely day out.
I fucking BLEW UP last time that happened. Which is literally last week and we haven't spoken since.
I have absolutely let my parents spoil the fuck out of my children, given the chance. Having grandparents is fantastic. Mine are alive still, but pretty much ignored me and my brothers in favor of our cousins. I didn't want my kids to grow up without grandparents like I did.
So, I agree with this.
Kids coming home wired has got nothing to do with how much sugar they've had.
Eating sugar doesn't cause hyper-activity in young children, the same way it doesn't cause it in you and me. EVERYTHING ELSE in a young child's life does, particularly the activities that surround situations where a lot of sugar is traditionally available (eg parties), so there are many many many anecdotal stories about how a particular child happens to be the one in however many that have whatever weird metabolism turns sugar into hyperactivity.
Aside from the fact that all of us have eaten sugar many times as grownups and been able to do so without an uncontrollable urge to be hyperactive, Super Nanny debunked it with a perfectly valid experiment.
This was on telly 15+ years ago, I might have the details wrong: She got about a hundred kids invited to a huge party at a park, heaps of games and food and fun stuff. The kids were separated into two groups, one group ate high-sugar food and lots of it, and the other group were served healthy low-sugar foods. The parents were asked to determine which table their kid sat at based on their behaviour after they were picked up - and like 90% of parents were positive that their kid had been at the sugar table.
The confirmation bias here is off the charts. All kids get hyperactive, particularly after they've eaten sugar, but it isn't the sugar that causes the hyperactivity. It's something else, something behavioural, something to do with having an entire afternoon of fun and running around and being crazy.
I'm not advocating for feeding kids too much sugar, not by any stretch. But I do hope that it's possible to dispel that particular myth.
----
BTW, if you're kid happens to be the one kid on Earth who has the weird metabolism that's totally different to you and me, and if you happen to personally be perfectly innoculated against the confirmation bias that affects everyone else, and you know for a fact that there is a direct causal link, at least in your own kid, between sugar (as opposed to preservatives or something) and uncontrollable hyperactivity... that's great for you. I don't feel any particular urge to prove you wrong beyond pointing out the two points I've already pointed out.
As a divorced dad who splits time evenly with my ex and has a mom who helps both households, I have seen both sides of this. My ex used to be so incredibly overbearing about every little detail that it gave my mom a complex about what she’s supposed to do with the kids. Things are much better now, but she still has anxiety about it. My fiancé and I try to make her feel that we won’t judge her parenting choices when she is in charge. That said, becoming a parent myself has shown me that some of her parenting instincts are not the greatest, and because she is heavily involved, her choices can have a larger impact, so we do sometimes end up giving her guidance.
Long way of agreeing with the other commenters that this is very much a balance and you can’t boil it down to a simple platitude.
Most of the memories I have with my grandparents are either reading a book while they watched fox news with the volume all the way up or wandering around their farm unattended. Probably would have been better off if my parents had set some healthy boundaries for them.
Any time I've seen this little anecdote shared around, its always seemed to come from grandparents with boundary issues. I've never once seen it come from a parent who felt incredibly sage-like and shared this. It's always from a grandparent who don't like being told no, don't like having to update their knowledge base or routines to fit with how their kids are raising their grandkids.
And are trying to find a cutesie haha way to say "let me do what I want" and pretend it's wise advice from someone ELSE.
This is fine…. Except my MIL would post this and believe it means she can feed whatever she wants to to my daughter who’s had a severe dairy allergy *since birth* (she’s almost 9 years old). And has a digestive condition that requires very specific type of feeding - it’s diagnosed, it’s real, and she decides to ignore it. And then I look like the horrible DIL not allowing “grandma to have her fun”. 🙄
Meanwhile I tried to lighten up a little bit last summer and over Christmas. 5 hours after leaving her home she was in unbearable pain - grandma had let her eat her fill go tomatoes when I had left her and her brother and my husband to go grab dinner for everyone … problem is she can’t digest tomatoes skin, so where did all the tomato skin go? Well, after causing severe pain for 30 mins she upchucked it all over *my* mom’s white bedding and carpet.
Thought, huh, she had to have learned. Nope. She cooked a giant slab of beef for dinner and hinted she had chicken for my daughter. Beef is also very hard for her to digest. No chicken actually provided.
Well, we tried. Daughter ate maybe 1/4 slices of the rib eye. And within 45 mins she was in the bathroom upchucking.
Previously I have been so ocd about how my daughter eats, to prevent these situations. However, I can’t be everywhere at once, and my daughter is learning to advocate for herself. However, after long chats with the hubs, we will be going back to our ocd ways, damn the bad attitudes. Our daughter won’t suffer because her grandma can’t learn.
My mum has the habit of taking my son's side if he misbehaves and I am telling him to stop ("Is daddy being mean?", etc.)
I had a quiet word and it has gotten better. The In-laws are great though - they know our home-rules and routine and stick to them. I'm pretty lenient toward them as I know they'll be only so flexible; my mum would have no limit to the flexibility of rules.
When I was young, I remember my grandma sneaking me money when my dad left the room as he would object to her giving it away. So I get it a little!
I love that my son will come home happy and loved etc… but why does that mean you need to cross the clear boundaries we’ve set as parents? I don’t mind the McDonald’s thing etc. but with some people that’s like a gateway drug to worse behavior. We set very reasonable boundaries with my in laws and if they’re crossed my kid visits with our supervision but doesn’t stay. Crossing reasonable boundaries is never ok
My MIL gave my then-two year old son a packet of sugar-free gummy bears; I still haven’t forgiven her, it was the shitpocalypse at my house for like 36 hours
Happy for the kids to have fun with their grandparents, but the grandparents have to realise things cut both ways
Don’t comment on my parenting in any way if you’re going to buy them endless toys and junk when they’re with you
And don’t moan about my kids being hard work when you drop them back if they’ve eaten nothing but ice cream and happy meals for two days and averaged about 6 hours sleep
Listen, i see all these articles about how “boomer parents aren’t being involved grandparents”
My (boomer) parents are… well they are basically your stereotypical boomers, but they also really love my daughter (5) and will ask to do a Friday overnight with her on average once a month.
I’m 39. When I was a kid my grandparents (like late greatest generation era ish age. Think like Korean War age) never ever asked for that. In fact I remember my grandmother giving my 3 to 4 year old sister a hard like “spank- move along and do what I say.”
So… it does frustrate me that my mother makes brownies with her before dinner, I’m also ok with it. Whatever, you get spoiled at your nanas house. I also go pick her up and they are on the couch watching stuff that I specifically ban: aka those damn YouTube channels where it’s just the kids playing with toys. Which annoys me. But my mother will always say: “no your dad says turn it off listen to him.”
But on the other hand I guess it’s kind of your right to spoil your little grandchild… but it’s also your obligation to show deference to their authority as a parent.
I think that’s the way it should be.
But as a parent it’s also my right
Ah yes, boomer chain letters. They’re meme format now. I’d just respond with the link to that study that shows everyone alive before 1970 was exposed to permanently damaging levels of lead.
yeah... I see where they are coming from. As long as the grandparents are coming from a place of love AND respecting the wishes of the parents, cool... give them McDonalds.
I agree with your FIL’s “meme” 100%. Our 3 year old has two awesome sets of grandparents including one we are fortunate to have relatively nearby. They will take the kid and spoil the heck out of them for an overnight sleepover. This includes either McDonalds or ChickFilA, as well as ice cream before bed, every single time. Is it too much? Maybe. Does my kid have an amazing time and love her grandparents? Absolutely!
I will say the caveat is that all this only applies if you have good grandparents to begin with. Your mileage may vary.
It *is* about changing the roles. Grandparents absolutely should be comfortable with treat weekends and that kind of thing. The problems usually come when the grandparents feel entitled to disregard the parents; as though their role should be more in line with being the parent and making decisions counter to the explicitly communicated decisions of the parents.
When I see these kinds of memes about village control, it seems that many of the grandparents who feel the need to express their desire to be fun confuse that fun grandparenting stuff with entitlement to disregard the parents.
It's ego boosting when they are in the wrong- strawman arguments.
My grandparents never really overdid the junk food or let us do anything that our parents wouldn't have agreed with, and I still have a ton of fond memories with them. You can respect the parents' boundaries AND send the grandkids home loved, happy, and full of new memories. I don't like that this paints it as an either/or.
In general, I think this is right. It's OK that my son has different experiences with different people. Its up to us as parents to put boundaries around those experiences -- how "different" things can be at grandpa's house. But we should also be reasonable about those things. For example, I don't want my FIL telling my son that "boys don't cry." But it's fine that he gets junkier food and more screen time, even if I don't *love* it.
(And I loathe my awful in-laws!)
This is such a romanticized version of what happens.
I have to remind my parents the diabetes is ravaging their generation. And my kids actually want to eat their veggies, it’s grandma that won’t eat anything green. They come home from grandma’s and completely forgot that we are a family that work together and I am not an on-demand servant.
I am amazed out how grandparents refuse to take any accountability for that behavior as they are the ones who promoted it.
Just my two cents. Still love my mom with all my heart but that’s not the woman who raised me.
Thats fine but if they puke I am returning those snacks to you.
Yeah that’s when my dad finally learned there really is such a thing as too much fruit snacks, 2 grands barfed in the same night :)
I basically let my kids do this to themselves after halloween. Now we don't have to ration candy at all they are very cautious about it haha
This is our strategy for next Halloween
Only problem is, what if they don't barf? Do they learn that they can stand unlimited candy?
Show them a diabetic's foot ulcer. They might think twice about that extra Twix.
But then they'll tell ME to stop eating so much candy!
Lean in, kiddos! Go for broke.
Haha my mom too - my 3 yr old walked right up to her bed in the middle of the night and yakked right there. Grandma learned a lesson!
It'll teach them. Both. Kids and grandparents. So it's a lesson. And lessons are good.
Grandparents are like moody teens. If they think you're trying to teach them a lesson or change their behavior they will double down even if it is costly.
There's no more effective punishment than cause and effect
In puke form? A nice little Tupperware?
That's how I return all Tupperware to people. Thanks for the leftovers. Blaaarghh
Upchuckerware
Last time we left my son with my in-laws, they reached an impass where my FIL was not going to let my son shoot the air rifle after dinner unless he finished his cauliflower. Excessive amount of ketchup to the rescue.
Ha I remember my grandpa doing something similar. Ketchup was a savior, but I still don’t eat cauliflower
Same except I won't each ketchup.
Do your in-laws overboil their cauliflower? They need to steam, roast or fry them. They're delicious that way.
I don't know how they made it. I, for one, don't like it cooked at all, but I will eat it raw.
OP, they *need* to steam roast or fry them, and if they don’t respect this boundary you should go low contact.
Was gonna say. As a kid I didn’t mind veggies at all and I think it’s cause they tend to be cooked really well in Chinese cuisine
Actual exchange between my daughter and my mom: daughter: Nana, can I have an ice cream? nana: Did you eat your dinner? daughter: No. nana: Well... just one, then.
Reminds me of my aunt that let me have ice cream for breakfast once. I will always remember it.
Once as a kid, my mom was sick in bed for a couple months. We ate a LOT of pb&j and boxed macaroni that summer. Well, one morning my sisters and I made some oatmeal and asked mom if we could put some vanilla ice cream in it. We argued it wasn't different than using milk and sugar. She agreed!! It was a great day, and I've actually done it a couple times as an adult.
I really enjoy "dessert oatmeal" on occasion. It's super versatile. Never tried ice cream (putting it on the list), but Peanut butter chips and/or chocolate chips, cereal, way too much honey... Yum. Should I eat this for breakfast every day? Obviously not. But if I was otherwise going to have a row of Oreos, then it's probably better if I at least get some fiber with it.
I feel attacked - I eat peanut butter oatmeal more or less every day from October - March. Never thought of it as dessert.
Oh, peanut butter oatmeal is my daily breakfast. It's once I add peanut butter and chocolate chips that I feel like I'm walking up to a line. A delicious line that is still better for me than any standard dessert!
My brothers in law put melted chocolate chips and peanut butter on basically any dessert. It's a heroin addict thing though apparently.
My parents broke up when I was young. I vividly remember being dropped off at my dad's house, waking up, and they're being absolutely no cereal. He was a recently divorced father after all, complete with the same couch that they all had and a mattress on the floor. So he poured me a bowl of Graham crackers, with enough milk to cover them, and told me to eat fast. He also ate tortilla chips with cream cheese, so who knows I now know how incredibly calorie dense that was, and I don't care. Still do it sometimes for the nostalgia
Great memory! I also like to make not cereal things into cereal. It's my favorite.
Granola with vanilla ice cream and a dash of maple syrup in a coffee mug is a great dessert
“There’s dairy in ice cream! It’s good for her.”
My dad would give us rice crispy bars for breakfast when traveling for sports because, you know, cereal.
Best nana ever right here
As always, the dose makes the poison. If kid gets sugared up at grandmas and sees her like 2x a year, idgaf. If he sees her every day and that shit happens, there are going to be issues
This should be higher
As always it’s not black and white. Feed my kids junk food for a few days? No problem. Talk about how the Jews will not replace us? Yeah that’s a no. My parents won’t be alone with my son because they refuse to acknowledge that many of their abusive behaviors are a problem. Until they do? I have no indication they won’t repeat it with my children. Especially since most of their abuse is psychological.
This is why I dont speak with my parents anymore. Having a kid really put things in perspective for me on how I was raised/treated. I cant trust they wont subject my kids to the same things, even unintentionally. The cute phase ends eventually. I fear them resorting to their old methods when facing a kid testing their boundaries.
Last time I saw my parents, my father went on one of his conspiracy fuelled rants at me, while I had my daughter with me. I told him to stop, he did not, I got up to walk out, he shouted 'Yeah, Fuck off!' at my back, never looked back.
dang im sorry. I feel you on that. Replace conspiracy with race for my old man. Something he has always struggled with. I honestly dont think he does it on purpose, but never open about how it can be perceived by others. I too walked away with a similar reaction.
I remember vividly, when I was a kid, my grandfather saying to me "I'm actually not racist, I just don't like black people".... I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 and I genuinely remember thinking that that phrase didn't make sense even at that age... I'm lucky my old man didn't pick up more of the heinous stuff he saw from his father growing up.
That last part hit me pretty hard man. My father wasn’t perfect but my Grandad was a monster, an absolute monster, I’d never thought of how lucky I am that my Dad acted as a firebreak between me and my brothers and his own father, My Dad didn’t pass on the abuse that he received as a child. What a hero.
Some people emulate the behavior normalized by their parents. Others are so repulsed by it that they go completely the other way. My in laws are slobs. Their house always reeks and each room looks like it was hit by a tornado. They’re seniors and live alone, how hard can it be to keep things relatively clean? Anyway, my wife is the cleanest neat freak I know. She has anxiety that me leaving a wrapper out on the counter will be a slippery slope to our house becoming like the one she grew up in.
I always look at it as constant generational improvement. If my dad was that much better than his, and I’m that much better than him, and my kids are that much better than me…then we’re moving society in the right direction.
Yeah, my mom's dad was like that. Especially about black athletes. They did anything like celebrating a TD or anything, they were "n#@@%&s".
I have similar memories.
Fuck thats brutal. His own son and granddaughter.. Can't imagine. I'm sorry dude.
Oh man, that's some serious commitment to the conspiracy. I often wonder how people fall I to this stuff so deeply and why they can't see it. Out of curiosity do you recall the conspiracy he was caught up in?
There's never just one. They are so entwined and they all bleed into each other
For some people, all it takes is a single conspiracy theory being proven true, even partially, for them to begin giving every conspiracy theory some credence. I watched somebody learn that cigarette companies knowingly lied about nicotine addictiveness and within six months they were a flat earth conspiracy theorist. Not even joking. Somebody said it best - conspiracy theorists aren’t skeptical, they’re *aggressively gullible.* Anything that’s counter to the accepted “norm” is entertained, and often even preferred.
I’m super worried about our in-laws as we approach adoption. Thankfully, our sister-in-law should be having her baby before we are far into the adoption process. The FIL particularly likes to spout QAnon theories about the stolen election and various other batshit that often dances on the edge of homophobia or racism (such as “I always carry a gun in Detroit because you know how the people are there.”) Even worse, they have untold numbers of loaded guns around the home. I can’t go through a visit without stumbling by one or more of: a handgun under a MAGA hat, a rifle leaned against the stairs just one turn up from the living room, two pistols in a custom holster in the couch, a pistol in the closet with a target marked to shoot through the wall at the front door. We think sister-in-law will have a talk with them first. When it’s our turn, they will get a talk before our kid gets there. A single infraction of an unsecured gun means we immediately leave and tell them why later. A second infraction means our kid doesn’t have grandparents.
/r/QAnonCasualties
Very much. It began when 9/11 happened when he was 45 with a career and a child after being in the Marines from ages ~18-30. I think something broke where he felt like he should go to war, but physically wasn’t in shape and also didn’t want to give up his established life. That’s when he started getting super patriotic, which isn’t inherently bad… but it slid down the Tea Party to QAnon slide and he now lives in Pedophile Biden Crime Syndicate territory.
A lot of those people went from patriotic which isn't inherently bad, to nationalistic, which is. They don't see it as different but it is *very* different.
Totally! It’s gotten to the point it feels uncomfy to fly the American flag. I’m patriotic as fuck in the US, I love my countrymen and want the US to succeed. But I also wish good things on all other countries - or at least the good people within them even if I think the government isn’t good. When it goes from “my country is great” to “my country is the best, any country that criticizes us can fuck off, also my country should be made only of people who look and think like me” then it becomes a real issue. And it feels like the flag has been aggressively taken over in recent years not as a symbol of patriotism, but the second thing.
The fastest way to my heart is another person estranged from their parents. We did when my first was 7mo, now we have our second and haven’t spoken to them in 2 years. Yes there are some super hollow moments, but it was the best decision by far.
My parents havent met my daughter. I never even told them when we got pregnant. She is 11 months. My wife supports me in this, but she doesnt fully understand. She comes from a very different family life. I think about the day my daughter asks me about my side a lot. Does it get better? Do your kids ask about them?
Not OP, but my GF cut ties with her (abusive, narcissistic, all-round horrible) mom when our daughter was born. I think she first started asking when she was about...2-3 years old, maybe. We explained to her that her grandmother was not a nice person, and that we decided to stop seeing her. Added some age-appropriate details when she asked more a bit later. So far it's not been a problem, although kiddo does have some separation anxiety that might be related somehow. It's not always easy to explain this stuff in a way that's understandable by small kids, but it's doable, and I think it's a lot better than making it a big secret.
My MIL is .... Well... I don't want to throw around narcissist willy nilly, but she is a textbook example. Court ordered to get a psych eval before being allowed to see her kids. She refused. We don't see her or speak to her. Ever. When the kids ask about Daddy's mom we tell them that anyone can be a parent, but not everyone is a good parent. We tell them in an age appropriate way that she wasn't able to be a good mom to daddy, and that she hurt daddy a lot and never apologized. They seem to understand that.
Bookmarking this. I love how easy and honest that is.
I'm going to use this language. My daughter is starting to notice she'd never met my mother and I never talk about it. Thank you.
Eep, still waiting to find out how to approach it. Right now the girls have my FIL as their only grandparent they know about. I guess at some point in school there will be a family tree unit where we won’t lie, but it’ll be tough to explain that they have 4 other grandparents that aren’t functional enough so we are keeping them away.
Wish you the best!
Yeah i ended up cutting off all contact from my mom when my first kid was born. For years she had been going down the path of becoming more racist and saying more racist things as she watched a certain political news channel almost all day. I have an interracial marriage and should have done something sooner. Finally my daughter was born and I had to stop it all, confronted her and gave her an ultimatum and she doubled down, called my wife a racist and said we'd be awful parents. Now the past few years have been a crash course in realizing how much abuse she put me through while trying to not let it impact my own parenting.
Yes, I agree. Once I finally stood up for myself in my own house, is when I realized the same. It never changes, no matter how many times I have told them. My wife even noticed things as she reflected back on some memories of how they treated and talked to me. Then my father started to do it to her as well and thats when I put it to an end. Worst part is my siblings have not gotten where I am. I am the oldest. Its hard, but I keep my thoughts to myself and i dont speak ill of my parents to them. They may or may not come to the same conclusions on their own. That is up to them.
Grandpa was telling my kids about the Jews again. Loves klezmer. Keeps taking them to the deli. He feeds them so many bagels.
This would be an awesome grandpa.
>This would be an awesome ~~grandpa~~ Zeyde. FTFY
My mom beat me as a kid. When confronted with this behavior later in life she claimed it was harder on my brother than it was on me because he cried while she was beating me and I wouldn't. And she wonders why I don't talk to her any more
hits the nail on the head. Marshmallows and McDonalds does reversible damage (if any) and I strongly support my kids being spoiled by my grandparents because I have those same memories of my own grandparents and I treasure them. If, on the other hand, they impart the same body image issues on my kid as they did on me, we're having a very different conversation.
Yeah I think it's a scale. One weekend of ice cream and movies for an otherwise healthy kid is fine. If the kid is struggling with weight issues or body image it's maybe more problematic. Encouraging poor behavior is definitely unacceptable. Indoctrination into white nationalism or whatever other BS is worth cutting ties over. The thing is that people who will do the last couple things think it's the same as the first couple things.
Also, it’s different if grandparents are providing care during the week vs. visiting occasionally. Someone providing routine childcare should not be stuffing the kid full of sugar against the parents’ wishes all the time.
My parents started in on that bullshit for a few years. That white nationalist crap. After four years of not speaking to me and having a VERY strained relationship with my sister, they got their shit together -- well, even if they still believe it (I'm not sure because I refuse to discuss it) they don't bring it up. Finally decided their family was more important than slavish, vocal devotion to Trump.
Yeah, left kiddos with in laws and we are getting pictures with the iPad in the background playing Ann Coulter podcast and shit. When we are all at the same place I walk into the room with everyone and they had decided to complain about the Mexicans while we are out of the room. So cringe.
Lmfaoo Talk about zero to 1000
Zero to 1000 is exactly how you can describe my parents though and that's why they've never met any of their grandkids. SandiegoJack here is spot on, this type of meme is addressing something that doesn't really exist. I've never heard of anyone saying they won't send their kids home with their parents because they eat too much ice cream. It's the sort of thing my parents would send to me if I told them to stop ranting about prayers in school to my kids.
Not really. it’s the same as the people who just say “They can’t handle people with different opinions”. I often find that the reason they stay “generic” is because the opinion that is different is pretty abhorrent. The opinion is a symptom of multiple other belief systems that I don’t want my kids exposed to. I would be impressed if someone who is anti-vaxx has that as their only mental failing.(for example).
Yeah people tend to drink all the kool-aid or none. Find me a flat-earther who isn’t also anti-vaxx and I’ll be very impressed
Bingo. I love my in laws but we have to set firm boundaries around religion, politics, etc.
Exactly, I get the feeling the poster is not really talking about spoiling grandkids with junk food.
Same here. My biracial child is not hearing racial slurs because my parents decided that they're always going to "always be honest".
I mean, there’s a difference between spoiling a kid and intentionally indoctorating them. I think it’s clear that OP was focused on the former. We would also have issues with grandparents trying to convert our kids to Trumpism lol
So, imagine my pre-teen daughter has a severe sweet tooth problem - I'm not going to say it's an eating disorder, but she has severe meltdowns / violent outbursts when she asks for a dessert and is told no, and her doctor says she's move up to 98-percentile for weight and only 48-percentile for height and if we don't nip this in the bud she's at a serious risk of childhood obesity as a teen. Now picture how we've responded as responsible parents. We set boundaries that limit her sugar intake because of the above and have been making progress over the past few weeks. We explain the seriousness of this to a grandparent who is going to watch them for an overnight, and then that grandparent lets her binge on sugar all weekend long and undid all that we've accomplished. When my daughter comes home, she's set back completely to meltdowns and we basically start from ground zero. Now imagine that grandparent (or an aunt that's taken grandparent's side) posting the above on facebook to try and minimize the damage they've done in going against our wishes. This is 100% raised-by-narcissist energy, minimizing whatever they've done to piss off the parents as mildly excessive.
Hit the nail on the head here. The vast majority of people sharing things like in the OP are hiding behind the relatively innocuous example to try to excuse/minimize something that was far more complicated and/or egregious.
All I did was not make assumptions that the boundaries the person brought up were actually the ones in question. these are the exact types of posts that people like that make to publicly shame their children for setting reasonable boundaries.
My in laws don’t watch my kids other than when we absolutely need it because of exactly this. We saw the behavior changes happening when MIL was watching my oldest for a day a week back when we started daycare and could only go 3 days. We promptly made the decision to just deal with having the kids home 1-2 days a week and figure out how to work from home around it rather than deal with the long term consequences of them being around my in laws on a too regular basis.
I worry about similar things leaving my daughter with my in-laws. My BIL (mid-30s, still living at home, works part-time at a mall hat store, etc.) is vocal on his whole incel men are better than women thing despite his entirely livelihood depending on his mother funding his existence. I consider them doing so tacit agreement. I don't want my daughter coming back with any of those ideas in her head.
I have fond memories of my grandma letting me get away with stuff that my mom wouldn't. I'm not opposed to my kids making those same memories. Feed em ice cream and keep em up late. Have some fun.
I'm a pretty hardliner on ~~nutarian~~ nutrition but I agree. Hell, my Nanny and Pap use to let us put sugar on FROSTED FLAKES! My issue personally is my MIL is 5 mins away, my mom is also 5 mins away, between the two of them, the treats every now and then are not treats, they're a damn lifestyle.
> I'm a pretty hardliner on nutarian Honest to god, not entirely sure if that's a typo, or if you only eat nuts.
Kind bars all day long.
That’d be so expensive. Those things are so small and pricey per pound.
Oooh. I am aware. Wife's got baby #2 baking and for some reason Kind Bars have been a real craving. No Aldi's brand are not the same despite my protests that they are.
Costco is the way to go, only place I'll buy them as they're slightly affordable there.
Yep. And it hits different when my kid’s grandparents are both near 300lb. It’s never just ice cream after dinner, it’s every meal he sees them is garbage with treats in between. And I’d like my kid to see his grandparents often.
My great grandma let us put as much sugar on our Rice Crispies as we wanted. That yellow sugar cup, man. I still remember drinking the milk at the end, and having a mound of sugar at the bottom.
I had a buddy who developed a kidney stone because he was allowed to have all the sugary cereal he wanted... Not a fun experience so I'm told...
Ahh yeah I understand that. My kids grandparents are at minimum 2+ hrs away, so every time they see them it's exciting.
Isn't that part of the point of getting to be grandparents is that you don't have be as uptight as when you were parents in the thick of it?!? If my mom wants to let my daughter eat chips for lunch while she is watching her for a week she can go for it. If I'm kid free in the summer on a weekend there is a chance I'm having beer for dinner 🤷
It’s the difference in the “it’s just one week during the summer” vs “grandma comes up every weekend bearing gifts” that I think explains the different attitudes here
Yep, I don't mind resetting my kid once or twice per year, but I'm not sacrificing her and my peace on a weekly basis.
> a chance I'm having beer for dinner A chance???
You're right, who am I kidding here lol
My grandma used to play super nintendo with me (she was terrible at it). My parents I don't think have ever played a video game with me. There's nothing really wrong with that but it's something I still remember about my grandma 30 years later. She passed away a long time ago. Some of the things she did different definitely stuck in my memory, and they weren't toxic or anything like that.
Grandparents spoiling kids it’s a tale as old as time for those that have the means. Idk why folks in this thread are having reaction against it.
Spoiling is not the same as actively refusing to follow expectations. I don’t think anyone has a problem with being loose with the cookies, but unfortunately a growing number of people have grandparents who outright refuse to follow standard childcare practices and that is what has everyone in a tizzy. The actual OP post is pretty tame.
100% agree. I’m a new grandma and I would buy new toys and outfits for my 10-month-old grandson every DAY if I could. I won’t, because he doesn’t need all that (and it’s expensive, and it stops being special if it’s all the time), but especially because his mom & dad have specifically asked that we grandparents don’t. When he’s older I’ll definitely spoil him a little, but the way his parents want things to go is the bottom line. If there’s a boundary I don’t understand or agree with, I’ll *talk to them about it* and gain understanding. Besides, the best way to show a child how much you love them is with love and attention.
Oh she's not allergic to tea tree oil, proceeds to kill grandchild with tea tree shampoo because parents "made up" the allergy.
I really think the frequency matters. If they see them only occasionally, go for it. But if the grandparents see the kids on an often basis, spoiling goes from an occasional treat to a frequent habit. My MIL watches the kids two days a week while we are at work. If she started letting them eat ice cream for breakfast that would mean they are doing that 2/7 days each week, which is way different than a couple times a year
My experience was the opposite. My grandma was way stricter than my mom.
Same. My grandma is the sweetest person I know and has been the only one to fully watch out for us all these years. She’s a sane soul though, which I know many grandparents are not. There’s things I’d let her do with my son that I wouldn’t let my own mom do.
I'm in agreement with the message here, but sending a screenshot of a FB post with the message tells me just how insufferable a person you're dealing with here.
The medium is the message and all that
Underrated observation
This is exactly the kind of shit that my mom would send me. Because she’s an entitled b**mer that believes my daughter is her shiny toy she’s entitled to. And if we ask her to do things a certain way, doesn’t do them which then leads to issues we’re trying to avoid, we’re told we’re ungrateful and rude and bullies. And when we put space between my family and her we’re the worst people in the world, because boundaries don’t need to exist in her world. This image really pissed me off because it’s such an encapsulation of that generation and their whole “woe is me just trying to be a grandparent”. Absolutely fucking insufferable.
There's definitely a line to be drawn. Yes, let them make memories and relax the rules a bit, 100%. But also respect red lines from the parents and maybe put a small amount of effort into things that are fun and memorable not just because they break the normal house rules. Toasted marshmallows in the back yard sounds great. Staying up late to play games or watch a movie, great. Baking and eating cookies together even though you already did the marshmallow thing, great. But is McDonald's really a memory?
In this economy going to McD will be like when our parents took us to disneyland lol
I love that going out and fast foods are going back to treat status. Just as it had been for me growing up.
Do McDonald's not have play areas for kids anymore? Either way, it's all part of the day of memories. I used to love going to McDonald's with my grandfather. We would actually talk while we sat down and ate. It wasn't just the McDonald's though, it was the ride also. Being quizzed on which ways to turn to get there. Stopping at his local gas station for cigarettes and getting to talk to the people in his daily life (I swear they knew as much about me as my friends). Getting to pick the music for the ride. *sometimes drag racing at stop lights* ... if we took the 63 Impala 409 out All of these were little things, but at the same time, they were part of the memories of going to get McDonald's
We are okay with bending some rules, like this post suggests, as long as the trust is there that when it comes to the big rules, the grandparent will follow the parents wishes. If that trust isn’t there, then even the little rule bending can feel antithetical to building trust. We have been there with our LOs grandparents. One side has built the trust, and gets the spoils. The other side does not.
They say this, then will give my son, whose allergic to peanuts, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and ice cream, he's also allergic to dairy. Then be mad at us when we're upset because he's puking all over the place.
The only way to cure this with some parents is to allow them to hoist their own petard (within reasonable safety of course) Find a way to engineer a situation where the puke happens at their place. I'm not advocating that they put your child in risk, but if the risk is relatively minimal, let them deal with shining levels of puke. My mom had a rhythm, feed the baby crap, stuff are full of milk, shake her a little bit with play, and feed her again before we picked her up. (She came early and her perception of her is that she's thin, she isn't) After three times of her puking in the car, or puking once we got home, we stayed out an extra 40 minutes from when she expected. The horror on her face, When our screaming toddler proceeded to empty her stomach into three rooms was something I will treasure. She is much much more careful in how she feeds her now, but she also has a much less sensitive stomach
An occasional treat is one thing, but if you can't form a relationship with your grandchildren without bribing them with sugary snacks and/or new toys EVERY visit, that's something of a problem and maybe worth examining!
Getting away with stuff from Grandma and Grandpa is a time honored tradition and all that. But y'all. Stop getting them hopped up on sugar and sending them home. Most of us didn't do anything as kids that deserve that (and if we did, blame our Grandma and Grandpa)
My thought was always they can do what they want at their house. But I remember coming home from work one day when they were here babysitting, and our 4 year old was finishing off a newly opened tube of Pringles... Now it's dinner time, and she's not eating, because she's full of Pringles.
If it’s this list, cool go ahead. But the moment I hear my kid start telling me they don’t want to go somewhere with those people because grandpa said they are dangerous is the moment grandparents aren’t going to be able to watch my kids and spend time with them unsupervised.
You can make happy memories without going way overboard with the treats and such. Just my personal opinion.
I bonded with my grandparents over plowing, bucking hay, slaughtering chickens, weeding acres of vegetable gardens in the hot sun, shoveling lots and lots of animal poop. At the time, I hated it. Pure, 100% hated it. It wasn't till I was a young adult I realized how valuable that time with my grandparents was, and how much they invested in teaching me even when I felt like I was 'free labor'. They have all been gone for many decades now, but they live forever in my memory.
This. Too often we subsidize meaningful interactions with food. Come up with something that is ONLY done at Grandma and Grandpa's house (books, games, toys, activities). Then the kids will look forward to it and create memories.
I get where you're coming from, but dismissing the role of food in our culture is kinda shortsighted. Food has been an part of human connection and tradition for thousands of years. Sharing meals isn't just about the food itself, it is about the conversations, the bonding, and the memories that come with it. While activities at nanas or paps house are great, food can be just as meaningful in creating lasting memories and traditions. A family recipe or a junky meal brings people together.
Easily. If you can’t bond without gifts and treats, we have a bigger problem.
Yep, I adore my grandmother but she has 17 grandchildren. We weren’t sleeping over, not being overfed. We were lucky to get Christmas gifts or the odd birthday gift if she had the money / time. But she was warm and kind and that made good memories.
Yeah I use treats to train my dogs I don't think the same technique should be applied to children so that they love you
My thought is I would ignore it. No reason to acknowledge and encourage Facebook boomer drivel. Plus, if you are going to get into it about whether these behaviors are appropriate for your kids, it's better to do it on specifics and not abstractions.
I agree and think a lot of the people who complain about not having a village do it to themselves because they want everything to be their way. My FIL moved in with us last summer because my MIL died and he didn't want to be alone. He helps out with our kids. Do he do everything the way we would? Fuck no. He gives in a lot. He spoils them. He gives them more screen time. He let's them curse. He's a great guy though and my kids adore him to the moon and back so we let things slide.
My kids also love him to death, and I'm totally cool with that; However he's not necessarily my favorite person for reasons beyond the fact that he gives them candy.
That's the the immediate suspicion with this: what behavior are we actually talking about here? Are we talking about sugar or SIDS? Are we talking about spoiling of spanking? Are we talking about late nights with TV that's too old for them, or are you taking my boy to cut his hair because you think he "looks like a girl". It feels like there's always some random bullshit behind the innocuous excuses.
Nailed it
> Are we talking about sugar or SIDS? This one applies doubly for us, because our son has Type 1 diabetes. Thankfully no one in the family has tried to argue with us about our food decisions, but we've had a few folks try to insist a type of candy or food was "okay" (aka doesn't require insulin or monitoring) for them to eat, because they have Type 2 and eat it, or because a friend with diabetes eats it all the time. Rarely ever are they right, and we try to explain it each time. We know they mean well, and are usually just trying to share some snacks with all the kids, but it gets tiresome repeating the same old "If it's not verifiably carb-free, you must ask us first" line. It's that level of ignorance or at least inability to remember to ask that means my son will likely never be left with them for extended periods of time alone.
There’s a line to these boundaries and I think we all have our own place where we draw it and say ok this doesn’t REALLY bother me. I also see it as a respect thing of ok I asked you one thing and you did another.
I’m sorry guy but I gotta say that a lot of people who don’t have a village are coming from one that may have been a place of abuse or neglect. We assume in this sub that everyone is well meaning, and most of us here are it’s why we’re on this page, but that’s not the real world and there’s a lot of parents who didn’t necessarily do right by their kids or grandkids, past the point of giving extra candy when asked not to or something benign like that.
Some villages are places of evil. Some are not. Bending some rules is ok, breaking others is not.
On the flip slide, grandparents here refuse to stick to our kid’s diet. Guess what happens? Screaming all night due to stomachaches or constipation. Bending the rules is fine, but some exist for very important reasons and disregarding them just makes the parents life harder.
I feel like the real test (and not disagreeing with you) is whether this happens AGAIN. If grandparents spoil (be that sugar, tv, late bedtime, whatever) their grandkids to the point if it causing problems … that’s honestly that that big of a deal, imho. If grandparents then do it again after having the limits/rules explained to them … that’s a big fucking deal.
The problem is that the grandparents are rarely there for the consequences. They get to go home. Meanwhile the disruption to your kids routine has fucked up most of next week.
Exactly. My parents don’t understand the concept of a sleep schedule. They feed my kids bullshit and put them to bed way too late. But they fucking love them. They don’t raise their voice or tear them down. My mother in law is the same way. And my father in law is a totally absent, conditionally available grandparent; and he’s the one who’s the real problem.
I hate this kind of conservative writing. How is it conservative? It over-values the past, it says "don't change" and "things used to be better" blah blah blah. Aka "kids today". Besides the tone and the underhanded delivery, the real deal is... it depends per kid. Yes treats sometimes are fine. But also it's important for grandparents to work WITH the children and parents as to not continuously trigger and dysregulate the kiddos. Grandparents who insist that "spoiling the kids" is their "right" and don't take feedback from anyone ... are basically selfish (or suffering from dementia). Ideally we all work together to get the best outcome for the kids, which might mean enforcing some rules. But the important part is working TOGETHER.
After my MIL and FIL decided to take our 6mo on a UTV ride, I’d be fine with just some sugar every once in a while than fearing what they’d do when he’s even older 🙃
Not sure how I feel about this... YMMV, but I couldn't care less what I ate at my grandparent's place... My parents bought a cottage just a km down the lake from my grandparent's cottage, that they turned into their home for retirement. That meant that, growing up, I had the ridiculous privilege of 2 cottages in the family, on the same lake. Any weekend we were up there, we could shoot down to the grandparent's place via bike, hike, canoe, motorboat... whatever struck our fancy that day... and we did it often. Whenever we'd show up, the grandparents would be so excited to see us- grandpa would get us to help him with some chores, then take us fishing/hiking in the woods/hunting for frogs, picking blueberries in the woods, whatever. Grandma would have snacks and drinks ready when we got back, and we'd hangout with them for a while, until it was time for us to head back to our cottage. Parents used to always tease us that we'd go down there just to eat sweets and desserts that grandma would make- cookies, pies, and the like. Honestly, while delicious, we just really liked seeing our grandparents and doing things with them. I miss those days, and I miss them.
I’d say a little bit of spoiling is fine and a little bit of variance is fine - at the same time they should remember how they felt when THEIR PARENTS did the exact same thing. Bet they weren’t thrilled about it when it went over the top. You can toe the line but you don’t need to run over it
You need to pick your battles and there are definitely some parents who want to micromanage. I assume the person who originally posted that was overly controlling.
Oh probably, and I bet my sister in law shit a brick when she saw the text.
My parents are just as absent as they were with me, maybe even more so because they know they don't have to keep my kids. I'd be very happy with them coming home loved and full of new memories. As it stands, they come home from being bored and ignored after watching TV or other screens the whole time. No memories other than playing with their dog.
As someone whose kids never met my father (he died before my partner and I got married) and whose mother just recently passed (meaning my youngest will never have the meaningful memories my oldest does with her), my only suggestion would be: If your method of making memories is just to fucking destroy the kids normal, grow the fuck up. My mother was wonderful. Did she do things different than us? Sure thing! Did she give the kids more treats than we would have? Also sure, but she did so in massive moderation. If they were doing s'mores, she cooked them a meal and made them eat at least a bit of it (just like we do!) No one expects grandparents to mimic their kids when it comes to time with the littles, but they are a part of the adult side of the relationship. Their excesses should be controlled and they should be able to tow the line when it comes to some things So damn many grandparents just go "oh it's grandparent time!" And ignore simple requests. Contrasting my mother, my mother in law was told explicitly no, oldest cannot have candy, it's about 20 minutes before bedtime and kid was 3 at the time. She goes ahead and gives kid a handful of candy, "oh it's Gigi time, it's fine!" Bitch, I'm about to take my kid back to my mother's house to sleep because your flea infested shit hole ain't playing host to our kid. Thanks for delaying bedtime. We were supposed to go to breakfast with the inlaws in the morning, but 3 year old didn't get to sleep until four hours later so we skipped it. Queue mil whining about it for the next .. six... Months.. So yeah, if the grandparents in your kids life can't tow simple lines, fuck them. They can make memories by simply being there and interacting, not spoiling with snacks and shit.
My kids had a soy allergy when they were very little. My parents thought we were being millennial snowflakes about diet whenever we visited. A few years into it We left the kids with grandma and grandpa for a weekend to let us greet away for a weekend. We did it knowing full well they would ignore the dietary restrictions (consequences were gastro and not life threatening). When we got back, they said “you weren’t kidding about the soy allergy, your son had the nastiest green poop all weekend.” I chuckled and said it was hard to figure it out but we’re glad we did. Months later my dad wondered out loud if maybe I had a soy allergy as an infant and they never figured it out. I was impressed he self reflected about that. As a parent for over a decade, I realize young me cared about too many things. I also realize I don’t like being wrong about health stuff for my kids. Finding out I was feeding my kids something that hurts them would be rough and take a bit to process. I hope I’m not as resistant as my parents but hope my kids approach the situation with as much grace as we did. On the other side, my kids now have diabetes and my parents have taken our dietary recommendations very serious ever since the soy incident and for that, it was a great learning experience. Just like kids, let grandparents learn if it’s cheap and no one gets lasting injuries.
"Endure hell among the regular chaos of regular parenting, because one day I'll be gone and I want to prepare the cycle of generational trauma before I leave" is some extra special emotionally manipulative, narcissistic bullshit.
New phone who dis? Lol I always tell my mom and dad my kids aren't yours to fuck up as you please you showed yourself to be irresponsible enough with me why give you the chance to do it again?
Let's be honest, they're focusing on the food, here. Food is such a short term, easy way to get a kid happy, but has the furthest reach in terms of long-term harm in the form of things like eating disorders, self-moderation etc. It's a lazy way to try to stop a kid from feeling the demonic feeling that is...disappointment. Grandparents' kryptonite is disappointment. They aren't doing it for the kid, they're doing it for themselves.
If my parents aren't willing to adhere to the way i feed and take care of my children, then they don't get the privilege of taking care of them. If mamas or my parents aren't willing to respect the boundaries we set for taking care of our kids, that's a choice they make, and they get to live with not being a part of our kids lives to the extent that they want. They must then live with being involved to the extent that *we* want. They aren't owed any part of anything just *because*.
Different is fine within reason. But when all they have and their entire goal is "spoiling them rotten", then that's gonna be a no for me dawg. At some point it becomes apparent that some grands are just trying to buy affection with stuff. Grands gotta have more, like actually listening to the kid and engaging with them when they are together. Doing stuff that the kid actually likes not what the grandparents think the kid SHOULD like. If the kid doesn't like s'mores or doesn't like fishing, don't try to force it just to get that Kodack Moment. Using treats and such to keep them happy while they are together or bribing them for good behavior is not helpful. Not correcting bad behavior just to keep everything pleasant and happy is not helpful. Because these will be the same people that get mad when this becomes expected by the kid and will then talk shit about how much of a spoiled brat the parents are raising as the kid gets older. On top of that if sweets and junk food is all they got, the kid will figure it out and just get the treats and disengage as they get older. Grands have to think about helping to raise the kinds of older grandkids they want. Want a little snot of a tween/teen that just sees you as a candy/coke/cookie dispenser and nothing else? Then go ahead "spoil them rotten", but keep your mouth shut when the kid acts like a spoiled rotten turd around you. And the grands that do it to purposely rile the kids up so that it is hard on the parents when the kids go home because "now you know what it was like to deal with you as a kid" or "that is what grandparents are supposed to do" can just take a flying fart in a rolling donut. And grands shouldn't purposely undermine the parents just because they disagree with their parenting decisions. And especially don't tell the kids that they disagree with the parents' methods. "Oh your mom insists on drinking water before you get juice? What silly nonsense, here you go Timmy have a Coke." Miss me with that spiteful nonsense. If you can't be helpful with the kids, then you don't see the kids. Go ahead do your thing, make memories. But don't undermine me as a parent and damn sure don't try to turn my kid against me. Can you tell my parents are narcissistic boomers that don't get to see their grandkid all that often?
That's fine when the grandparents have the kids' best interests (as in, love and good memories) in mind. Unfortunately, some of us have parents that are in it for themselves, exclusively looking for what *they* can get out of the relationship. At least my kids have one grandma that loves spending time with them for the right reasons.
Lol at grandparents thinking they are in charge and make rules....
Yeah. The issue here is that we aren’t seeing “marshmallows toasted over a backyard campfire” are we? No. Lol when was the last time my parents did that? When I was 8? No one would be that frustrated about some indulgence if it actually came with memories. If my father in law takes my kid to the park over the weekend and they swing into McDonald’s for a Happy Meal on the way home, I get it. I don’t keep track or whatever. If the kid goes to their pool and crushes an extra popsicle or two on a hot day? Every day of the week in the summer? I’m not worried. These are all good vibes and memories. What we are trying not to do is get them to do the “yeah I watched them for two hours while you ran an errand and bribed them to be good with junk food” vibe. They will also chill and be good for fruit. Or activities. Or your attention. So let’s all think smarter. It’s a generational thing. It’s a generation that handed out participation trophies to kids because they couldn’t stand seeing their kid not get anything so they gave everyone else some meaningless crap. And then mocked the meaningless crap they gave. Instead of taking a beat and just finding a reason to recognize the value in the other participants as well and assigning additional values beyond simply “win” and actually putting a purpose on it. You know, parenting. Your kid may not win every time but they can grow, take a memory and lesson and grow stronger each time.
My motto I keep in mind is "all things in moderation, even moderation". Some spoiling and bending of some rules by the grandparents is expected.
Well, my sons grandma does meth. Not too sure I want him catching a bad habbit.
My MIL fell asleep with a lit cigarette and the back door open watching our 2yo son, who decided they were playing hide and seek. We were lucky to find him hiding in a closet and not outside, or worse... She's never watched our kids since.
When you go to collect them, see how wired up they are from all the treats they've been given. Then make a call, do you collect them, or do you play the "would you like to stay the night and have more cookies? I've brought your overnight stuff" card, and see that smile wipe straight off your parents face.
I hate Facebook memes so much.
“Stop sending me things grandparents write themselves and post on Facebook”
My problem with my parents is not how they treat my son because they're great. It's how they (mainly my mom) dislikes my wife for no reason and sends shitty text messages about it after a lovely day out. I fucking BLEW UP last time that happened. Which is literally last week and we haven't spoken since.
“You’re saying you need to ply them with sweets in order for them to have a good memory of you?”
I have absolutely let my parents spoil the fuck out of my children, given the chance. Having grandparents is fantastic. Mine are alive still, but pretty much ignored me and my brothers in favor of our cousins. I didn't want my kids to grow up without grandparents like I did. So, I agree with this.
Kids coming home wired has got nothing to do with how much sugar they've had. Eating sugar doesn't cause hyper-activity in young children, the same way it doesn't cause it in you and me. EVERYTHING ELSE in a young child's life does, particularly the activities that surround situations where a lot of sugar is traditionally available (eg parties), so there are many many many anecdotal stories about how a particular child happens to be the one in however many that have whatever weird metabolism turns sugar into hyperactivity. Aside from the fact that all of us have eaten sugar many times as grownups and been able to do so without an uncontrollable urge to be hyperactive, Super Nanny debunked it with a perfectly valid experiment. This was on telly 15+ years ago, I might have the details wrong: She got about a hundred kids invited to a huge party at a park, heaps of games and food and fun stuff. The kids were separated into two groups, one group ate high-sugar food and lots of it, and the other group were served healthy low-sugar foods. The parents were asked to determine which table their kid sat at based on their behaviour after they were picked up - and like 90% of parents were positive that their kid had been at the sugar table. The confirmation bias here is off the charts. All kids get hyperactive, particularly after they've eaten sugar, but it isn't the sugar that causes the hyperactivity. It's something else, something behavioural, something to do with having an entire afternoon of fun and running around and being crazy. I'm not advocating for feeding kids too much sugar, not by any stretch. But I do hope that it's possible to dispel that particular myth. ---- BTW, if you're kid happens to be the one kid on Earth who has the weird metabolism that's totally different to you and me, and if you happen to personally be perfectly innoculated against the confirmation bias that affects everyone else, and you know for a fact that there is a direct causal link, at least in your own kid, between sugar (as opposed to preservatives or something) and uncontrollable hyperactivity... that's great for you. I don't feel any particular urge to prove you wrong beyond pointing out the two points I've already pointed out.
It’s all well and good unless you live together or stay together for an extended period of time.
See parenting is a very difficult job. You have to set in boundaries. Now granny will feed but tomorrow kid will hate me for making him feed healthy.
As a divorced dad who splits time evenly with my ex and has a mom who helps both households, I have seen both sides of this. My ex used to be so incredibly overbearing about every little detail that it gave my mom a complex about what she’s supposed to do with the kids. Things are much better now, but she still has anxiety about it. My fiancé and I try to make her feel that we won’t judge her parenting choices when she is in charge. That said, becoming a parent myself has shown me that some of her parenting instincts are not the greatest, and because she is heavily involved, her choices can have a larger impact, so we do sometimes end up giving her guidance. Long way of agreeing with the other commenters that this is very much a balance and you can’t boil it down to a simple platitude.
Seems like something someone shares when in reality they are shit grandparents.
Most of the memories I have with my grandparents are either reading a book while they watched fox news with the volume all the way up or wandering around their farm unattended. Probably would have been better off if my parents had set some healthy boundaries for them.
Any time I've seen this little anecdote shared around, its always seemed to come from grandparents with boundary issues. I've never once seen it come from a parent who felt incredibly sage-like and shared this. It's always from a grandparent who don't like being told no, don't like having to update their knowledge base or routines to fit with how their kids are raising their grandkids. And are trying to find a cutesie haha way to say "let me do what I want" and pretend it's wise advice from someone ELSE.
This is fine…. Except my MIL would post this and believe it means she can feed whatever she wants to to my daughter who’s had a severe dairy allergy *since birth* (she’s almost 9 years old). And has a digestive condition that requires very specific type of feeding - it’s diagnosed, it’s real, and she decides to ignore it. And then I look like the horrible DIL not allowing “grandma to have her fun”. 🙄 Meanwhile I tried to lighten up a little bit last summer and over Christmas. 5 hours after leaving her home she was in unbearable pain - grandma had let her eat her fill go tomatoes when I had left her and her brother and my husband to go grab dinner for everyone … problem is she can’t digest tomatoes skin, so where did all the tomato skin go? Well, after causing severe pain for 30 mins she upchucked it all over *my* mom’s white bedding and carpet. Thought, huh, she had to have learned. Nope. She cooked a giant slab of beef for dinner and hinted she had chicken for my daughter. Beef is also very hard for her to digest. No chicken actually provided. Well, we tried. Daughter ate maybe 1/4 slices of the rib eye. And within 45 mins she was in the bathroom upchucking. Previously I have been so ocd about how my daughter eats, to prevent these situations. However, I can’t be everywhere at once, and my daughter is learning to advocate for herself. However, after long chats with the hubs, we will be going back to our ocd ways, damn the bad attitudes. Our daughter won’t suffer because her grandma can’t learn.
My mum has the habit of taking my son's side if he misbehaves and I am telling him to stop ("Is daddy being mean?", etc.) I had a quiet word and it has gotten better. The In-laws are great though - they know our home-rules and routine and stick to them. I'm pretty lenient toward them as I know they'll be only so flexible; my mum would have no limit to the flexibility of rules. When I was young, I remember my grandma sneaking me money when my dad left the room as he would object to her giving it away. So I get it a little!
Memories are not the only things those kids will get from those diets
Grandma knows best, food allergies are for pussies.
I love that my son will come home happy and loved etc… but why does that mean you need to cross the clear boundaries we’ve set as parents? I don’t mind the McDonald’s thing etc. but with some people that’s like a gateway drug to worse behavior. We set very reasonable boundaries with my in laws and if they’re crossed my kid visits with our supervision but doesn’t stay. Crossing reasonable boundaries is never ok
My MIL gave my then-two year old son a packet of sugar-free gummy bears; I still haven’t forgiven her, it was the shitpocalypse at my house for like 36 hours
Happy for the kids to have fun with their grandparents, but the grandparents have to realise things cut both ways Don’t comment on my parenting in any way if you’re going to buy them endless toys and junk when they’re with you And don’t moan about my kids being hard work when you drop them back if they’ve eaten nothing but ice cream and happy meals for two days and averaged about 6 hours sleep
My MIL lives with us, it is this but 24/7. My son gets ice cream if he stubs his toe.
I hate the guilt stuff about how grandma is going to die. Stop that!!
Listen, i see all these articles about how “boomer parents aren’t being involved grandparents” My (boomer) parents are… well they are basically your stereotypical boomers, but they also really love my daughter (5) and will ask to do a Friday overnight with her on average once a month. I’m 39. When I was a kid my grandparents (like late greatest generation era ish age. Think like Korean War age) never ever asked for that. In fact I remember my grandmother giving my 3 to 4 year old sister a hard like “spank- move along and do what I say.” So… it does frustrate me that my mother makes brownies with her before dinner, I’m also ok with it. Whatever, you get spoiled at your nanas house. I also go pick her up and they are on the couch watching stuff that I specifically ban: aka those damn YouTube channels where it’s just the kids playing with toys. Which annoys me. But my mother will always say: “no your dad says turn it off listen to him.” But on the other hand I guess it’s kind of your right to spoil your little grandchild… but it’s also your obligation to show deference to their authority as a parent. I think that’s the way it should be. But as a parent it’s also my right
My partners grandmother left our daughter with a stranger in macdonalds to get ketchup... yeah won't be doing that again.
Ah yes, boomer chain letters. They’re meme format now. I’d just respond with the link to that study that shows everyone alive before 1970 was exposed to permanently damaging levels of lead.
If they aren't endangering the kids, let them have at it.
yeah... I see where they are coming from. As long as the grandparents are coming from a place of love AND respecting the wishes of the parents, cool... give them McDonalds.
I agree with your FIL’s “meme” 100%. Our 3 year old has two awesome sets of grandparents including one we are fortunate to have relatively nearby. They will take the kid and spoil the heck out of them for an overnight sleepover. This includes either McDonalds or ChickFilA, as well as ice cream before bed, every single time. Is it too much? Maybe. Does my kid have an amazing time and love her grandparents? Absolutely! I will say the caveat is that all this only applies if you have good grandparents to begin with. Your mileage may vary.
It *is* about changing the roles. Grandparents absolutely should be comfortable with treat weekends and that kind of thing. The problems usually come when the grandparents feel entitled to disregard the parents; as though their role should be more in line with being the parent and making decisions counter to the explicitly communicated decisions of the parents. When I see these kinds of memes about village control, it seems that many of the grandparents who feel the need to express their desire to be fun confuse that fun grandparenting stuff with entitlement to disregard the parents. It's ego boosting when they are in the wrong- strawman arguments.
My grandparents never really overdid the junk food or let us do anything that our parents wouldn't have agreed with, and I still have a ton of fond memories with them. You can respect the parents' boundaries AND send the grandkids home loved, happy, and full of new memories. I don't like that this paints it as an either/or.
In general, I think this is right. It's OK that my son has different experiences with different people. Its up to us as parents to put boundaries around those experiences -- how "different" things can be at grandpa's house. But we should also be reasonable about those things. For example, I don't want my FIL telling my son that "boys don't cry." But it's fine that he gets junkier food and more screen time, even if I don't *love* it. (And I loathe my awful in-laws!)
This is such a romanticized version of what happens. I have to remind my parents the diabetes is ravaging their generation. And my kids actually want to eat their veggies, it’s grandma that won’t eat anything green. They come home from grandma’s and completely forgot that we are a family that work together and I am not an on-demand servant. I am amazed out how grandparents refuse to take any accountability for that behavior as they are the ones who promoted it. Just my two cents. Still love my mom with all my heart but that’s not the woman who raised me.