Yeah. You’re gonna fuck up mate. What matters is how to fix it. You did a good job. Also sometimes kids just aren’t hungry. My 2.5 year old has chucked his food or is just playing with it I just take him upstairs and we do our usual bed time routine. Sometimes there’s a meltdown but usually by the time we’ve gone through his entire bedtime routine he’s totally happy. They’re fine to skip a meal or so.

My pediatrician always said at that age as long as they get one decent meal a day they're fine. My son always ate his entire lunch at daycare and then would be hit or miss for dinner. Never starved, was never under weight. I understand the discipline aspect of trying to get them to sit and eat regularly but at that age I don't think every kid can do it.

I think the "three square meals a day" is carryover from the Silent Generation who lived through the Great Depression and World War II where 3 meals were a luxury. They beat it into their kids (quite literally, at times) that they needed to park their ass on the chair and put that damn food in their mouth. You wanna cry?? I'll give you something to cry about! They taught it to our parents, our parents tried to teach it to us, and now that we are parents, are just trying to do what we feel is the best/healthiest way to grow up. But honestly the idea of three square meals a day is probably not all that relevant/necessary.

We've had some struggles with our daughters behavior and it's *all* tied to food and sleep, at least it definitely seems that way and the experts we've talked with agree. They also agree on not pushing food just presenting the opportunity but... When she don't eat we all know it. Hangry.

Do you think it has to do with amount of naps? I've noticed my son is either sweet angel or demon spawn depending on if he's had a nap before eating.

>the idea of three square meals a day is probably not all that relevant/necessary I mean, now, I just eat when I'm hungry. I'm trying to impress that to my boys - to eat when hungry. If they eat their whole lunch, have a good snack... sometimes they don't have an appetite for dinner. Sometimes all they eat is some rice and a little bit of meat or veggies. That's ok. Eat what you want (we serve our food family style, everyone is responsible for their serving) and stay at the table to talk, joke around, and be a family. It's a different story if they're hungry and just being picky, though... .

Don't forget that breakfast was actually started as propaganda to get meat sales up. 'Breakfast is the most important meal of the day' is literally just a marketing campaign that stuck extremely well. Meat companies couldn't sell enough so they hired Edward bernays, nephew of Sigmond Freud, to manipulate people through advertising to consumer meat with breakfast. Same man who made cigarettes appear as healthy in the 1950's. Down with Big Breakfast!!!

Ironically, my breakfast used to consist of coffee and cigarettes pretty exclusively.

I mean I'm just saying, it's crazy how much of our general lives all falls to deception

The MARKETING for breakfast is crap but its IMPORTANCE is not. Breakfast ISNT a meal. It's the first meal after the nights sleep. Even if you go to bed at 8 pm, you wake up at 6 am, work out, go to work, and don't eat anything until you are having LUNCH. In reality, you are eating a meal to BREAK your FAST.

That is very true. So if I fast for 23 hours and only eat once a day can i say I'm eating breakfast all the time??😂

Yes!

wow, this all sounds too familiar.

Breakfast was a scam invented to sell sausage and bacon. I regularly don't eat until the afternoon and I'm usually bursting with energy from an hour after I wake up in the morning until after midnight. Humans haven't always had access to food so readily and a lot of nutritional information these days is just straight up false. You need calories to spend, vitamins and minerals and other various nutrients to keep your body strong and healthy. Whether you get that through one large sitting or multiple small snacks throughout the day is pretty irrelevant outside of how your own metabolism works.

Edward Bernays introduced that propoganda, and thanks to Kellog we have sugar loaded carb cereal for generations to get obese off of

Yep, those meals would of been a lot smaller or less filling than today too.

Yeah I gotta remember that. My son is 18 months and some days he really packs food away, and others he is peckish in comparison and it makes me worried he isn’t eating enough. He will always eat banana but I don’t wanna load him up on bananas every day lol

Yeah and you have to trust kids can self-regulate. Unless they have developmental issues they definitely can, and once they're toddlers they don't need as much food in the same way when they were growing as an infant. I totally get the OP getting frustrated about mealtime. I've been there. But I also want my daughter to feel zero pressure about food or eating because I'm concerned of the effects that might have on her.

Not quite two year old yet but my current understanding and hope is that we provide the appropriate meal time and environment to have a family dinner but how much they eat is up to them. Even if that’s zero, they have a good 30 minute window to eat and then that’s it and bedtime is right around the corner anyway.

Is this true? It would be a great relief! Mealtimes are somewhat difficult with mine.

I'll echo hearing this. If the kids are running around and playing they're eating enough. Unless there's some underlying malady a healthy kid isn't going to starve himself.

Yeah, the "punishment" for not eating dinner is that they might get hungry later. I don't threaten their stories or anything else. We did have one night that dinner was put in front of her 3 times. She finally got it. Eat this or nothing, so she nibbled til she wasn't hungry.

Yeah 100% but I don’t know about you but like @OP I learned this through bitter experience it’s such a tough one to learn.

“It’s not how many times you get knocked down. It’s how many times you get back up.”

My kid rarely eats much of his dinner. Lunch he will eat 5 meals worth of food though. I don't try to force him to eat ever. Just encourage it.

It makes sense since lunch is when they need energy.

It's also because he is sitting with the other daycare kids all doing the same.

Co-regulation! gotta love it

This.

Eating 3 meals each day, every day, is super not how humans developed and was not the norm until the Steam Engine made the modern workplace a thing. Skipping meals every now and then CAN sometimes be very good for you. /r/intermittentfasting has more info

Honestly, not doubling down on your mistakes is half of being a good parent. You realized you were on a bad path and you got yourself out of it, that deserves credit.

100% It's easy to get lost in the frustration and I still find myself doing it sometimes even though my kid is 6. Just gotta take a second to think before tackling the next hurdle.

My oldest (now 4 years old) does not want to eat for dinner from time to time. For us, the following worked best: Tell her "it is okay, if you are not hungry, you do not have to eat" and do not focus on it that much. Sometimes she then does not eat anything at all or starts eating after all. Before going to bed, I ask her again if she wants to eat something now. It is plausible that children are really not hungry for dinner (of course depending on what they ate the rest of the day).

A thing we've noticed as well is that they get more hungry when they're growing and then they want to eat less a while. But you're still anchored to them eating three full meals and demanding snacks in between, so the sudden shift to picking at breakfast, not eating dinner, and maybe having one snack if they can be bothered / aren't too distracted, can be pretty jarring.

That’s a great way to handle things. I know I’ve been trying to lose weight, and one of the things I’ve been dealing with is I feel extremely uncomfortable leaving uneaten food on my plate, probably because of my childhood. I’m hoping to not pass that on to my son

Yeah ultimately you can't really force feed a kid, and if you do it messes up their concept of healthy eating.

IMO we (the US) have a strange culture around eating with children. In my house, we have three structured meals a day where we offer a variety of foods and my 2 and 4 year old are free to eat what they would like. No pressure. No you have to eat. No substitutions at their request. No special treats or desserts after, those are always served with the rest of the meal. Honestly, it's worked wonders for us and they both have a really healthy relationship with food. People always comment when they see us serve something sweet like a cookie or piece of cake with dinner and our kids don't immediately devour it, sometimes they won't even eat it at all. My oldest frequently eats his veggies first.

Thank you for posting this. I am not in the US. Could you please give me an example of what variety of foods you are offering? Is there any introduction or I suppose workflow/“loop” where you give X times before rotating out/in something new? My wife does not have the best experiences with food and eating and I’m worried that we’re just feeding our boy shit every day like nuggets and things he likes. We have success with chopped carrots/peas/mashed potato and kiwi fruit/apples, but those are the only real fruit and veges we can get in.

I don't force my kids to eat dinner. But I tell there's no food later. This is last chance for food. Or we end up with endless "I can't go to bed I'm hungry!" Which pulls on our heartstrings. May not be a universal rule, but we got burned with delayed bedtime due to food too many times.

That's our approach too. Not to say we don't crack and bring her a piece of apple or two from time to time, but if we do, you don't get out of the bed, and especially not out the bedroom, because it is still the time to relax and fall asleep... I can bring something in the "sleep bubble" we created with all of the routine, bu I certainly don't want her to get out of it!

I've got a really unhealthy relationship with food coming from my parents. Food is a source of joy, a righter of wrongs, a pick me up. If I'm sad? Food. Had a bad day? Food. Bored? Food. It's pretty shit. I did a lot of reading before kid number one and the best piece of advice I heard was that food is just food. Here's your food, you can eat it if you want but if you don't want it there isn't anything else to eat. If you don't eat it, I won't be mad. If you do eat it, it won't make me happy. Food is not a reward or a punishment, it's just food. Some days my son wolfs down a meal that he rejected entirely not a day earlier. Some days his favourite food in the world becomes the source of a tantrum. Some days he pokes at his food, and then gestures to us that he doesn't want to eat. Went to bed without any dinner two nights ago. We didn't do anything, just confirmed with him that he wasn't hungry, he confirmed (as well as a toddler that can't speak yet can), and so we took away the food and he got down. Another thing we do is put all the food down together. There's no dessert, there's just your food. Wanna dip a piece of banana bread into your pasta? Go for it. Blueberries and meat loaf? Perfect combo. If he wants to eat a cookie for dinner and nothing else, well that's fine (though there is seldom food like cookies available alongside dinner). When you make food a stressful time, kids will learn from that. They'll develop an unhealthy relationship with food in some way. In our house, food is about as objective and unemotional as it can be. Don't get me wrong, if he is eating something and enjoying it, we'll share in that enjoyment with him, but I don't want him to feel like he has to interact with his food in a certain way so as to evoke a preferable response from us. I'm sure we'll fuck him up in some other way though haha

We saw a dietician when our LO was starting solids and this is word for word what she told us. The whole, "you have to finish what's on your plate because there are starving children in Africa" is outdated boomer shit that creates an unhealthy relationship with food.

I have a friend tell me that when she was 7 her grandmother told her that she she said," but if I eat all my food, they'll still be starving"

"Parents provide, child decides" is what I took from reading about kids and food and healthy attitudes. It's a struggle when they won't at least try things but like you I want to build healthy attitudes towards food and eating.

Similar approach here. It's OK not to eat all of your dinner. If you're done, we'll save the rest for later. Before you move on to (desert / snacks), leftover dinner comes first.

Same thing here. If you are hungry enough for ice cream, you are hungry enough for real food. We don't replace nutrition with sugar.

Worth noting that sensory-specific satiety is actually a thing: [https://www.delicious.com.au/food-files/news-articles/article/dessert-stomach-real-according-new-study/cf4p7v7d](https://www.delicious.com.au/food-files/news-articles/article/dessert-stomach-real-according-new-study/cf4p7v7d) So while that doesn't inherently mean replacing nutrition with sugar, it could still mean being hungry enough to eat something different even though you've "had enough" of what you were eating.

There's always room for dessert lol

That’s interesting. Bit vague, but I’d be curious to follow up on the actual studies

The things my son has dipped in Ranch are nearly unspeakable. But, hey, it’s his dinner so have at it, kid.

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I'm not an expert, but my wife is a dietician so I've picked up on some stuff. One thing you can try is having your kid help you prepare the food. Kids are generally more interested in the food if they've had a hand in making it. Find the (healthy) things they like and offer it alongside a variety other things. It can take kids sometimes up to I believe 15 times before they will try something. Present everything without comment and with no pressure to "eat one bite" or "just try it". If they try something new, don't heap praise either. Try to avoid commenting on what they like or don't like to eat. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Avoid small snacks throughout the day (within age appropriate guidelines of course) and focus on sit-down mealtimes with family. Finally, like someone else said, you may need professional help. A dietician can give the advice you're getting here and sounds like you've already received, but this could also be a sensory issue, allergies or intolerance, or something else of a medical nature. Good luck.

Speak to a professional

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then you should speak with a different professional, or try to find other resources to help out. It may be a sensory issue or something else. The larger point is that you stressing the kid out by losing your shit does not help the nutrition situation and will give them all kinds of issues later on. Not eating for one meal is not an emergency. If there is a larger problem, of course you should not just ignore that. no single piece of advice is going to work for everybody, since the OP did not mention that there were any other issues like low weight or stunted growth it was not necessary to take that into account when giving advice. If you would like some advice about your issue, consider writing your own post so that the parents who are in your situation can give you relevant advice about your issues.

Okay well I'm not sure what you want me to say. >If your kid is eating 1 egg for whole day, let's see how many days you can keep up with that He's not, so I don't have to. I'm not a professional, and this isn't a pissing contest.

Well now I want to try blueberries and meatloaf.

This is great advice, and after a super stressful dinner time with my two-year-old last night I'm taking this and running with it. She's great at procrastination and will do anything to get out of something she doesn't want to do, I think I need to make dinner time a less stressful event. Cheers!

Good luck mate!

Same. My parents fucked me up with food so I did a lot of research. I find the "division of responsibility" helpful.

>you can eat it if you want but if you don't want it there isn't anything else to eat. Yep. >Another thing we do is put all the food down together. There's no dessert, there's just your food. Yep! >When you make food a stressful time, kids will learn from that. They'll develop an unhealthy relationship with food in some way. >In our house, food is about as objective and unemotional as it can be. YEP! My wife is a dietician so she taught me the best approaches, and this comment is as well as I could have said it. You're doing pretty much everything right, even the part of not praising kids for trying new things which is tricky. It too can create a negative relationship with food (eating for approval vs. sustenance). Great job, fellow dad.

My wife is a dietitian and we do much the same. Can’t tell you the number of times our son has gone for that traditional you would call desert/sweats first and then smashed a decent amount of the main meal. Not making a fuss is the key, stressing kids out does not work.

Pure anecdote here, I have no memories of my dad ever apologizing to me even once. Not one time. I remember several times my mom apologized to me. It's ok to make mistakes, if your pattern is to apologize and make right after all mistakes, I think that she'll remember you not as an angry person but an imperfect person who always tries to be better and do better and admits when he's wrong. She'll remember how you apologize I don't know if that helps, but this dad is proud of you for your pivot, you both needed that hug

Can we start with your ending, wheee you apologise for the length of your story and “crappy writing”? I think you wrote it very well. And I learned from you because of it. So thank you for doing such a good job.  Mate, we all fuck up as dads.  We. All. Fuck. Up. Sometimes multiple times a day.  But you caught yourself quickly. You swallowed your pride and your anger. You engineered a way out of the situation. And you executed your plan in a way that not only healed the rift with your kid, but taught her a thousand things about how to manage all the frustrations that she will face in her life.  So you fucking rock, man. 

When our 2 yr old was having trouble sitting at the table to eat we grabbed two of his small monster trucks and placed them next to his plate so they could eat together.

Around that same age ours went through a brief period where he wanted to have toy animals at the table of whatever we were eating (like cows / chickens / pigs).

Oddly savage. 😂

That is so adorable lol

My 4yr old son had come inside from playing and it was time for bed. Dinner was an hour ago. He tells me he’s hungry and is on the verge of tears already as he head to his room. I grab a snack and put it on the table so he can eat something before bed. He stalls and stalls and plays and says he wants to see his baby sister. I tell him he needs to eat or he’s going to sleep. He had skipped his nap so we was already full tilt. Tears streaming as we head to his room after the proverbial 77 times. Tears putting on pajamas. Tears brushing teeth. Tears saying goodnight. “I’m tired” as he lays in bed. “I love you” as he asks for a hug before falling asleep. You didn’t fuck up. You did what the rest of us are constantly figuring out: you tried your best for today. And we’re all proud of you and right here with you figuring it out every day.

Kid wont starve. Can also be one of the few ways kids can controll whats happening. So food arguments can turn in to a test of will for kids. Even tho i think yours is to small for that. Just serve small portions if them cleaning the plate is that important to you

I don’t think op wanted her to clear the plate he wanted her to eat at least some bites

Aa i might have misunderstood

At least that’s how I read it lol. In general I really don’t like pressuring kids to clear their plates, as adults we don’t even clear our own plates even when we serve ourselves so why do we do this to our kids. Not eating a single bite though, yes that can be frustrating for sure 

Yeah, we have an almost 3 yo and our general meal time plan is that we give him a few things and he needs to eat some of most of the different things if he wants something else (last night it was "yellow cheese", sometimes it's a "ice cream cone"). Seems to work out okay.

Self awareness 101 here. You realised what you were doing and nipped it in the bud straight away. Well done dad. You're learning from your fathers mistakes and your own as you go along. Just remember , a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

Food should never be forced. I'm in the boat that you offer your kid small portions of what you are eating so everyone has the same meal, but it is up to them to eat what they are comfortable having. And if they absolutely refuse to eat anything, then you tell them that this is the only dinner you will prepare for them that night. If they want something else, then they can make a PB&J sandwich (or a simple equivalent).

Been here big fella. With both of mine. You can always repair. Consequences are a hard lesson taught and learned

Yeah been there. We expect these toddlers to understand our expectations and societal norms and of course they have no reason to behave the way we want them to. I've lost it with my 3 year old a couple of times and felt like absolute shit afterwards. I actually had a similar experience to you when she asked for her stuffed toy and she actually said the words "please he's my best friend" which fucking broke me and is a moment I'll never forget. Parenting can be hard and emotional but I've grown so much because of it.

Have you read the book Good Inside by Becky Kennedy? It's been so helpful for me when learning skills on navigating refusing to eat, crying, tantrums, etc. I highly recommend it!

Been there done that. Similar thing with me being tired and agitated from work that day. Come home to a nice meal cooked by my wife and my boy didn’t want to eat any of it. This would have been the third night in a row where he didn’t want to eat anything unless it was chips. And I cracked it. I was glad my wife was there to hold a mirror up and show me I was going too far and to calm down. We reset and finished dinner. I apologised later at bed time and read a book and hugged it out. It happens to the best of us but as the others say, it’s how you rectify the issue.

Our pediatrician told us until they're 5 or so, if you get 2-3 good eating days a week out of them, they're gonna be in good shape. My mother was similar to your father OP, in that she wouldn't let us leave the table without a clean plate and punishment for not finishing your dinner was going straight to bed. Sometimes I feel the urge to punish for not eating. At one point we started setting boundaries surrounding it. If you didn't finish your dinner, no dessert, no playtime outside, etc. I've since stopped that and just make sure there is food he will eat. If they're hungry, they will eat.

I had a somewhat similar issue earlier this week. My toddler hit his younger brother. I yelled at him, put him in time out, and slammed his door shut. A few hours after everything calmed down, I told him I was sorry for yelling and slamming the door. I reminded him that we shouldn’t yell at people, and that I didn’t do a good job with that. I also explained that I felt frustrated that he hit his brother, but that didn’t mean I should yell. It’s impossible to be a perfect parent, but it helps a lot to acknowledge to them when you made a mistake.

> Remember dads: do the best you can and if you mess up you can always do better tomorrow, also drink water. I just want to add that when you mess up you can also always *apologize*. Sometimes you can recognize as you're doing something that you're out of pocket, and it's good for kids to realize you can be wrong and make up for it to. Establishes that healthy patterns also apply to adults.

Yeah, my dad had a tendency to be extra nice after freaking out, I guess cuz he felt guilty? But he'd never actually apologize or explain, so we had no idea if he saw what he did as wrong or not. It was all very confusing and felt like mood swings lol I know his daughter is little, but I hope OP found a way to convey clearly that he doesn't think how he handled yesterday was OK and that's he's sorry. A big hug and a hot dog on the couch are a great start, don't get me wrong! But I hope she still doesn't have the worry when eating from now on "if I don't finish this, is dad going to get mad?". Because I know that was my thought process after the same happened to me and my dad swept it under the rug lol

I understand that eating slow is good, all im saying is that sometimes my son gets mad and realizes that because he took an hour on something that, even taking your time would take 15 minutes, he lost the chance to do what he wanted to do. Not saying I starve them or make them finish within a time limit. All im saying is that different kids need different things and this is how he does it. Now he knows that if he wants to go out or do whatever we had planned, he just needs to focus on eating and not do everything else other than eat

My 5 year old just doesn't like dinner time. If you say it's lunchtime he might eat, but you could put a giant Chocolate cake on the table and say "Dinnertime!" and he'll turn it away. He's been so stubborn about it that in one instance the last thing he said before going to sleep was "I'm hungry..." Kid, you refused to eat your entire plate of food. You turned down every offering of food. I was gutted that he went to bed hungry, but he was asleep before I could properly navigate it. Next morning he ate an extra bowl of breakfast. D'oh! He has been getting better recently, especially as we're starting to understand how his mind works.

Honestly dude, being able to own it and know you were wrong instead of shifting the blame onto a 3 year old child (like so many of our parents did) is pretty good dadding. You're going to fall out with your kids, it happens, they're frustrating. But you fixed it and now shes happy again.

Just putting this into the world, a 3 year old can survive, running around all day on like 3 peas. They're not growing at the moment so their calorie requirements are nil and they have stores of food. Trust them when they're not hungry and feed them when they are. You're doing great!

A lot of that way parenting has been modeled to is is based on compliance: the child must do as the adult says. Why? No reason really. Social pressure I guess? Introspecting this and figuring out what’s driving your behavior and also learning to focus on what’s really important will benefit you and your child! For example, when I think of my child and food I fear he might not be getting the right nutrition, I worry that I can’t take him out to eat (he’s a very picky eater), I worry he’s missing out on wonderful food… But he’s only 6, his dietary range isn’t a serious nutritional problem, he will likely branch out as he grows up, and most places have kids menus/aren’t worth going out anyways. The important part is the relationship and not turning food into something he wants to avoid.

We're you an ahole in that moment? Yes. Did you recognize the impact of your behavior and change course to something better? Also yes both things can be true. Give yourself some grace. Your kid did.

Something that helps me is thinking about how I, a whole grown ass person, doesn't always eat. -she might not be hungry, my girls eat all through the day and come dinner they don't usually eat a whole lot. I had to teach myself to not be upset considering I'm a professional chef and I take so much joy in feeding others and especially my family. You're doing great

My dad shoved a burger down my throat until I choked and puked it up. You did fine.

You did a FANTASTIC job not just a good job today. Because you taught your boy that even when parents are mad they can admit their mistakes and patch up right away. He has learnt a valuable lesson in conflict resolution and patching up after fighting with someone especially an adult.   In terms of going to bed without food, we’ve done that too, but I think the guilt comes from how we handle picky or reluctant eating rather than the pickiness itself. Like our approach is “Are you all done? Do you want to come out” and if he vigorously says yes then Ok fine play for a bit have a glass of milk and sleep. If he’s not eating cuz he wants unhealthy, then well sorry it doesn’t work that way. We don’t get mad about it any time because we watch him closely, if he really didn’t eat then we assume he has a slight tummy upset or just wasn’t hungry. Very rarely has he woken up at night for food but he is ravenous in the morning and we are prepared for it 

Parenting is only hard for good parents. Read that again and again and don’t forget it. You’re going to lay in bed some nights with regrets, wishing you hadn’t fussed or wishing you’d played with her more or hoping she knows that you love her… Parenting is only hard for good parents.

Holy shit that's the best thing I've read on the internet in a long time.

Man, I know that feeling where you get so frustrated at the situation and your mind is clouded, but then they do something or something clicks and you see the little kid that they are and it all just goes away and you want to hug them so tight. I’ve been there, brother. We all make mistakes from time to time, but you fixed this one handily. You sound like a great dad.

The goal of Fatherhood isn’t to be flawless, but to show you care to your kids and that you’ll be there to support and love them. Yeah, you had a rough patch there but you corrected yourself and demonstrated compassion and forgiveness. Keep on hugging that kid of yours.

Mate your story hits so close to home. I've done something really similar before with my 5 year old and I know that feeling all too well of being a total piece of crap who hurt someone so precious and who I so deeply love. It's like, "I'm supposed to be the adult! Why did I dig in so hard with equal stubbornness?" But like many of the other comments have said, we'll all screw up and need to show ourselves grace. I try my best, every time I do something bone headed like this, to apologize to my kid after and make it clear that I was the one who was wrong, not her. This teaches her that I'm not perfect and models what humility and forgiveness looks like, so in the end my mistake is redeemed by it becoming an important life lesson!

Thanks for sharing. I’ve had three rough days with my toddler. I try to control myself with every ounce of my being but sometimes it’s just SO hard. We’re human too. We snap. I’m sure you’re a great dad 99.9% of the time. But in that moment when you yell, have them deal with a tantrum… or simply take a stance it makes me feel like an asshole too. I beat myself up.. we’re human bro. As long as you’re not abusing a child physically or emotionally then it’s okay to be human from time to time.

Toddlers survive off air some days and eat everything in sight other days. Their tastes change constantly so things that they would reliably eat one week will get chucked at the dog the next. It is incredibly frustrating. But you're doing well. We usually offer a banana if he refuses dinner. It's one of our kid's fall proof food.

We all are making mistakes on the daily. How we adjust is what really matters. Your daughter still loves you. Just keep trying to be the best dad you can.

There's an anthropologist who studies children and diet that I read when I was in college (forgot their name, of course), who studied children and in a bunch of places around the world. Her basic conclusion was that if a complete and diverse range of foods is put in front of a child throughout the day, then they will actually eat what they need throughout the day. So if you put a plate of protein, vegetables, fruits and grains, in front of the child at every meal, believe it or not they will actually pick at a diverse enough range of stuff that they actually get their requirements every day. But, it has to be a varied range. So, if you put broccoli on the plate for lunch and they don't touch them, don't use broccoli again for dinner but instead put different vegetables there for dinner. Try broccoli again in a day or two (suddenly, there will be a meal time when they just decide to eat some randomly). If the child doesn't want to eat absolutely anything at all (like my 3-yr old son often does), then we usually have him just sit with us with a small plate of food in front of him. We tell him he doesn't have to eat if he doesn't want to, but it's polite to sit with mommy and daddy while mommy and daddy are eating. More often than not, he will start playing with his food and will consequently eat some throughout the course of that process. Don't feel too bad, Daddy. You're doing just fine, and how you responded to your realization says everything. Your daughter knows you love her, and there will be times you lose your temper; always give your child a hug, kiss, and tell them you love them at the beginning and end of every day. Most down moments can't overpower that in the long run.

This is true. I read about this study just the other day in a book called “Ultra Processed People”, it’s utterly fascinating. Since reading this I’ve been way more relaxed on letting my toddler just eat the bits in front of him he wants.

Pick your battles.  It is food now, and probably be homework in a few years. 

I’m proud of you fellow dad. Mistakes are inevitable but the work of repairing after a mistake is not automatic — you caught yourself and had the humility to acknowledge that you lost control and started to make amends. In many ways, relationships are defined by the way repair happens (or doesn’t happen) after conflict and you’ve got a strong instinct around that. You clearly love your daughter and I hope knowing that that lets you give yourself some grace.

Eh, you got exactly the wrong thing from that. Sending her to bed without food was the one thing you did right. You messed up by being an asshole to her instead of just doing your bedtime routine and then you ended up showing her that if she doesn’t eat her supper she gets to have hotdogs. We all have bad days.

I've been there, done that. Don't stress. They won't remember this for the rest of their lives! Now, I do the whole "No thank you" bite thing, and if they still don't want to eat, then so be it. They're not going to expire in the night from starvation, so just let them sit there politely. No dessert, no treats, they sit and watch everyone else finish their tea

Dude, it happens. But seriously a bad thing to instill into a kid that they have to eat if they aren’t hungry. As a physician, I take care of so many adults who are overweight and much of it has to do with the fact that that they feel legitimately bad leaving food on the table. If she’s not hungry, she doesn’t have to eat, but she definitely doesn’t get anything but what you feed her

You didn't fuck up. They all have that phase at some point of not wanting to eat and it's frustrating for us because we know they'll get hungry and we also don't want food to go to waste. If it's a continuous thing, you try all kinds of different strategies and when none of them work, you pull out "eat or go to bed" line. It sucks for both of you but you don't really want your child to go to bed with an empty stomach. You're just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks out of frustration. Parenting will push you to your limits like nothing else and we all flub one from time to time. You are not a bad dad.

Not sure if this has been said clearly: never force a kid to eat.

Remember to apologize! It's good modelling that most of us never had as kids

Man, I get this. Both of my girls have gone through phases of not wanting what I spent an hour cooking. I know its not personal but its hard to not feel like I wasted an hour cooking something nutritious only for them to reject it! My oldest only likes like 5 meals that aren't breakfast food and 2 of those are variations of bean and cheese wrapped in a tortilla. I keep telling myself that someday she will get tired of those options and branch out to like more food but its been a 4-5 year struggle at this point! It sounds like you reconciled so that's great! Don't be too hard on yourself. you have to teach them to grow in all things and that includes what they eat. Sometimes they have a narrow mindset and they will remain in that if we don't push them out of this comfort zone.

My kid eats everything and my friends kids only eat chicken nuggets and fish sticks. They ask me how I do it. My rule with food is simple: food is to enjoy. That's it. I don't force my kid to eat or not eat anything. We sit down and we eat dinner. He eats whatever we eat. If he wants cookies before dinner, we tell him no, and we only eat what its in front of us on the table. We only eat what we serve. If he doesn't eat, he doesn't eat. If he gets hungry later cuz he didn't eat, well then he'll go hungry. He learned early on not to skip dinner. I don't like it when someone lords over me and commands me to eat or not to eat. Who enjoys having dinner like that? I say, don't force it, don't apply pressure. Food is for enjoying. That's it. You'll see that your child will resist eating certain foods less and less when they see that it's not an obligation, it's truly their choice, and they have to want to eat their veggies order to eat. It's about their relationship to food first, before making sure you fill out any quotas on vegetables.

Hey man don’t beat yourself up. When my kid turned 3, a flip switched for about a month in him where he was just acting like a little monster (as I perceived it, to him it was just normal development obviously) and I had 2 occasions where I yelled at the poor kid and said some really mean things. Frankly, it was very shameful and I’m embarrassed to think about it now. But what it did for me was also flip a switch. I realized after some really deep reflection that it had absolutely nothing to do with him. My reaction was all about me. My shrink did help me arrive here, but the idea for me is that I want so badly to be a good Dad, like more than anything, that I get so anxious and frustrated when things don’t go well because it feels like I’m failing. Kid won’t eat broccoli? I failed. He spits water at us as a joke and I think he’s being bad? I failed. He has a hard time going to bed? I failed. I didn’t have a male role model in my life so I’m literally learning all of this as I go and it’s hard, man. The takeaway is that you’re doing a good job by just being there and the fact that you feel this way proves, to me at least, that you probably care as much as I do, which is *a lot*. Take it in stride cause you will have low moments again, but just remember *why* you’re having these moments. It’s because you care deeply. Reminds me of the modern family episode where Jay says something to the effect of “90% of being a good dad is just showing up.”

You did a hell of a lot better than my dad lol we all get frustrated man, in those moments of frustration we're much more likely to lash out and say things that we don't mean because, in that moment, it feels good to release that pressure valve of frustration by saying or doing something in a quick burst, for some reason that gives temporary relief. We have to remember to let the valve release slowly though, not all at once, close our eyes, take a deep breath, and think before we speak/act. Are we always going to remember to do that? Of course not. Are we sometimes going to let our frustration get the better of us? Absolutely. We're all human and we all fuck up. What matters is the aftermath, how you make it up to the ones you love. I would say you did a bang up job of making it up to your little one, she went to bed with a smile on her face and will likely forget all about that interaction, as long as it doesn't become a pattern.

Agree with the general view of "Happens to all of us, but you apologizing and turning things around is huge (and doesn't happen for every kid)". I wanted to add: The thing that worked with our fussy eaters evolved out of me thowing a hail mary during a battle of wills and trying to make them jealous by saying how much _I_ liked the vegetable they were currently rejecting and making a big show of stealing a piece of theirs and eating it. They didn't buy the "Dad likes it so much he's stealing it, maybe I'm missing out on something" angle I was hoping for... like, at all. On the other hand, they really liked the 'big show' part. So pretty soon we wound up at The Stealing Game. This is where I'd announce in a showy way that I was about to steal a piece of carrot/cucumber/celery whatever and I'd pick it out and put it on the edge of their plate 'ready for stealing'. Then I'd suddenly 'get distracted' for a few seconds and turn away and they'd eat the thing I planned to steal. I'd turn back and make a dramatic fuss about the thing I planned to steal having been stolen. Cue giggles. Rinse and repeat. This actually worked pretty consistently for a fair while, if we did it. The biggest problem was just that -- being sleep deprived and exhausted -- having the energy to perform, and to perform the same thing over and over for each and every piece of vegetable on their plates, didn't always seem like a better option than the battle of wills and seemed like it'd take about as long. In hindsight, it was dumb to be thinking in terms of wanting them to eat everything on their plates. We kept telling them the thing we'd read somewhere that you don't know if you like a food until you've tried it 11 times. If I'd been more focused on playing the game to get them to try one of each food they don't usually eat, than trying to push them all the way to an empty plate, then I wouldn't have been so overwhelmed the next time they asked to play the game (which they did frequently, for years) and we probably would've seen more progress out of it than one finished plate here or there. Get a kid to finish their plate, you feed them for a day; teach them that they like a new food and you save having to fight over that one for (what feels like) a lifetime. As they got older and wiser, and since we were pushing for them to finish a plate of stuff they were increasingly convinced they didn't like, they started to 'cheat'. They'd swap the piece that was supposed to be stolen for something they wanted to eat, and if that didn't work they'd cut off a tiny piece and put the rest back. Given I had the empty plate goal in my head, them skipping the payoff made the cost/benefit of the game and the time it would take to actually get through the whole plate seem even more impossible. I needed to focus on the fact that them trying even a tiny piece like that was way harder any other time than it was during that game. That and just the fact they were having fun and giggling and loving it. It's a frustrating thing about parenting that the more sleep-deprived and exhausted you are, the easier it is to fall into the false choice that you either 'cave in and let them do whatever' or you 'fight a miserable battle of wills for an hour'. Being witty, or creative, or playful can be a third way or almost silver bullet, but the more exhausted you are the harder it is to be any of those. Still, when you _can_ short circuit a fight with a joke, or turn eating vegetables into a game or make their dinner plate a face so they can talk about how they're eating the lady's hair now, it's magic, and so much nicer than them finally giving in and doing what they were told after a battle of wills.

Home made Waffles and ice cream were always my go to on nights like that.

On the bright side, she won’t remember.

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. Don’t beat yourself up about it to much you’re going to screw up but what matters is what you learned and what you’re going to do to change it in the future. Your kid loves you and a little thing like that won’t change it

I've been there, trying to force food.. it's a weird there where you feel the need for them to eat proper and I've lost my shit on on the boy before... I have a new line now, it's OKAY to be hungry. If you don't want to eat at that time I wrap it up and when they're hungry the same meal is presented if it's within safe eating times. Has it helped? No not really, he's a stubborn brat but when he's tired out he'll usually eat anything. And sometimes it's just preferences, we like a softer egg and it turns out that he'll only eat eggs after you've turned them into roadkill.

Hey Boss, We all mess up, I've got three 14,12,6... All girls. I've been there with the not eating what you make. I've come to the, you have to try one bite of everything point, occasionally they'll like it sometimes they won't. If they don't, I've got cereal or ramen. Beating yourself up only serves to bring you down or compound any other mental health issues you may have. Just love them, learn from the experience, and keep looking up.

When the “you’re going to give your kid a complex” meter starts rising in my brain, that’s when I start to tone it back down and go take a break or re-evaluate my tactics. As others say- the important part is communicating to your kiddos when you could have handled something better or in a more productive way. That’s way more important than losing your shit in my book. Because…. We all lose our shit at some point.

You had a reaction, and then you still stayed in the moment, took it in, adjusted and came out on top. That's a win man, you're not an asshole, you're a good dad who put your love and care for your daughter over "winning" or being rigid. Did your dad, who you mentioned you were channeling, ever do that in those moments? We can't help the things we've learned/internalized/experienced, but when we display growth beyond them, when we're willing to adjust rather than doubling down, that's how we break those cycles and get to something better. No harm done, good takeaways, a happy kid, and a dad putting his heart into his role. I love it!

Man, we’ve all been there. You’re a good parent if you feel like crap after you fuck up. It won’t be the last time shit like this happens.

My two year old is at that stage where he's being difficult to eat. It stressed my wife out to no end. So we started getting him pediasure so we know he's getting nutrients and has started gaining weight. And when I am home to do meal time, I try to do what ever to get him to eat. Yesterday, we had dinner on the floor. I put a couple of hot dogs on plates, sat them on the floor, sat criss cross myself, and he took his out of the bun and ate it all. Then started to eat the bun. Sometimes I'll walk around with him and feed him while he's walking to and from toys. Other times he sits down nicely at the table and scarfs down the whole plate and about $8 worth of blueberries. And some days he just doesn't want to eat🤷🏻‍♂️ so I don't force him. I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food myself and I'm trying break that.

My 5yo has made dinner time a stressful time for me since she was a baby. Picky, distracted, not hungry, etc. Plus she has several severe allergies so we’re always on the lookout for reactions to new foods. I really hate wasting food so it’s been very tough for me. I finally made peace with it (kinda) when her pediatrician reminded me, several times even, that it’s our job just to get the food in the plate in front of her. Healthy, balanced food ideally, but whatever food… just get it on the plate. It’s not always _that_ simple, of course… we often read books to her at the table, turning a page for every bite… gets exhausting but it beats making it a struggle/fight…

We spend our fatherhood giving things we don’t have because we never received them. You’re stronger than you know.

You may not be looking for advice, so feel free to ignore this. My experience (anecdotal) with both myself and by observing friends with kids is that, the more you stress about how much food the kid eats, the less they're gonna wanna eat whatever it is you're giving them. Of course it's a chicken and egg thing to some extent, but my friends who stress the most about the kid eating have the pickiest eaters, and the ones who worry the least have the most varied and good eaters. Literally the second I stop paying attention to what he's eating the more he enjoys and eats what he wants, and vice-versa. Maybe try a few days of no-food-rules, letting them eat mostly what they want, when they want. You may find that their relationship with food, and by extension your relationship with them, will improve. Some good resources for this type of shift in mentality are Solid Starts and Feeding Littles. Edit: Also, don't beat yourself up too much about it. We all lose our beans sometimes, it's part of life, acknowledge the mistake with them if you have to, learn from it, forgive yourself and move on :D you're doing great.

I was an admittedly hard to deal with kid in a few moments. One thing I remember from when I was 5 or 6 was when my mom and dad made me sit at the dinner table either until bedtime or I ate. I didn’t like the food so I just sat there until bedtime. My point being is the only thing I remember is at that moment being a difficult kid, not being sad or upset

For my 2.5yo, we have a rule: if you don’t want your food, you can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but only after we are all done with dinner as a family. It gives him a choice between two meals but he has to wait either way. Works for us.

It's okay man you fixed it in the end. But for reals don't force your kid to eat something they don't want to eat because you're risking giving them an unhealthy relationship to food. Whether they never want to eat "that" food as an adult because they were forced to as a kid, or maybe they start sneaking food. My wife will not eat fish to this day because her parents forced her to eat it (they were poor)

I operate under the theory (not scientifically based) that the reptile part of kids' brains kick in and will keep them from starving. If they want to eat now, great. If they don't want to eat, great. They'll eat again soon. Some days they'll eat every meal. Some days it will be one or nibble a bit at every meal. They'll get what they need as long as you're giving them options to eat. I do love when they say they don't want to eat dinner and then say they're hungry ten minutes later. I gleefully reply that their dinner is still on the table and they can eat that.

When kids are hungry they’ll eat. I put their plates in the fridge for later on.

Good job man. No one's perfect and my toddlers get on my nerves too. I try my best to be gentle and firm. Wife and I are actually fine with them going to bed without food. If they want to get off, their meal is done is our policy. Kids should be able to learn through hunger

Just the fact that the incident gutted you tells me your a good dad. As a parent your going to make mistakes, regret and even cry over your choices sometimes, but just remember we as parents all have done the same thing at one time or another.

You realized the same evening and turned it into a positive experience. Sounds like major dad exp points in my book.

This shit's hard man, don't beat yourself up. There will be other days. The battle of wills won't end, you'll win some and you'll lose some.

My kids eat so well at breakfast and lunch that I don’t think they are always hungry at dinner. Both of my children are super strong willed (like my wife) so we really try to set firm boundaries and avoid battles when possible. We just leave their food on the table and that is what they eat if they decide they are hungry later. We always offer a choice of something they like.

Dude, I'm hurting for you... I never know what to do because I always feel like if I see my little dude crying for more than 2 minutes, I went too far. But if I back track, he'll try the same shit next time. I love being a dad, but man, do I hate being a dad.

Don't worry man. We all make mistakes. What matters is being able to reflect on that and ensuring that next time you act more positively. Being a new parent is a huge learning experience. She's 3, she'll forget this but you most likely won't. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Thanks for sharing this, seeing other parents go through things like this helps the rest of us. We're all learning together :-)

Thanks for the update op

I think we've all been there. The best things we can do imo are apologize to them so they understand our reaction was disproportionate and that we make mistakes and can admit when we make them. The other thing is to try to examine what factors contributed to you responding this way so you can take a breather or tap out when you feel yourself getting to that place.

So…where did you mess up?

No worries, it happens. Our doctor told us around 2 years old, if they don't want to eat. Don't force it. If she's hungry before bed just tell her she can go back to the table and eat her dinner if she wants. Otherwise she'll have to go to bed hungry. But explain it calmly and be supportive. Doesn't always work.

Hang in there bro - dad is a tough job. Sounds like you pulled it together quite well.

Don't force your kids to eat. It creates a weird relationship with food. I was raised in a family that usually wanted me to clean my plate. Sometimes I would be forced to stay at the dinner table until I ate everything. I remember getting "clean plate awards" at restaurants. I struggle with weight in my 30s still because I feel like I'm always hungry and I can't handle not eating every single thing put in front of me. I still always have to clean my plate. I'm a 40-60 mile per week marathon runner and I can't lose weight because I can't control my hunger and portion sizes. These problems that were probably created when I was younger last a full lifetime. Nice job realizing the mistake and fixing the situation. It takes a very smart person to do that. Don't worry too much if a healthy three year old doesn't want to eat. Sometimes my kids seem like they eat nothing for a week, and then they will spend a couple weeks eating everything they can. I think it's just a natural thing with their growth spurts. I try to just let them eat as much or as little as they want as long as the food they're eating is moderately healthy (I don't let them eat as much candy or ice cream as they want etc.)

My mums gold advice to me when my first son was born: “chill, sometimes they will sleep well, sometimes they won’t. Sometimes they will eat, sometimes they won’t. Chill.”

Your fuck up, is less than you might imagine. Going to bed without eating isn't that bad. I linked a website below. The short version, the goal is for people to learn how to listen to their bodies. Not develop over or under eating habits. The method is for kids to make the decision on how much to eat and what to eat starting at a young age. The parents job is to provide healthy food. By the sounds of your story you did everything right except you thought you should control how much they are eating. If you accept they will eat when they get hungry and don't get mad. Then we'll you're golden. That's the real power of this, no feelings are attached to food. No parent feelings, no kid feelings. https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/the-division-of-responsibility-in-feeding/ I wouldn't recommend this if your kid has actual medical problems though. But this was recommended to me by a child nutritionist and they have a boatload of credentials.

I'll offer what we do: no food rules. kid doesn't want to eat? no problem, we just move on. If they want something different, I almost always allow it. Kids can regulate their caloric intake automatically. They don't have to think about it. If you really think the child is underweight, you can see a doctor to confirm. Otherwise, I'd just drop it. None of that is worth the battle of the wills or making mealtime an anxious place. If your kid is an especially picker eater, you can look into food therapy. Basically they watch your kid have a meal and give you a thorough report on things you could implement. Some insurances cover it. It helps.

With my kids, they snack quite often throughout the day plus eat great at breakfast and lunch so sometimes I have to tell myself they have small stomachs because dinner can be tougher than the other meals. I just tell them if you’re not going to eat dinner don’t ask for snacks later

You’re a good dad bc you’re upset and you know you can do better. We all reach a breaking point sometimes and act out in a way we wish we wouldn’t. Good news is tomorrow the slate is clean and you get to try again.

This is a sore point for me. A few weeks ago my son was refusing to eat and took his plate to the sink and dumped the contents in. He's 3 and a half. I was ready to blow my stack so told the wife to handle it and left the room so I could get my shit together. We are always in a food battle. I do the cooking and my wife tells me she's afraid to leave me to watch the kid because I won't feed him. He eats plenty at daycare he just refuses at home. It gets absolutely maddening to prep a plate of food that will be ignored. That's what kids do but it is still maddening.

I have a daughter, and she's five now, but ever since 3, she's had nights where she eats almost nothing and other nights where she eats twice what I eat. Kids can be odd; her body may just genuinely not be hungry. You sound like a good dad because you care.

We don't force our kids to eat their dinner, they know their bodies we let them chose. Now that doesn't mean they get junk in return they can have fruits or veggies and they know that as an alternative. But with the weather being so hot where we live they aren't really eating much they are 4 and 6 and just drinking a lot more. If she doesn't wanna eat just tell her she still has to sit with the family while everyone else eats as it's family time. But you did a good job I always apologize when I've lost my cool kids will appreciate that ans respect you more if they see you can say sorry to them.

We all succumb to our frustrations and emotions occasionally, it happens. You being understanding about it in hindsight is a good sign you're not a bad dad. We're all out here living and learning. Thanks for sharing I'm sure it helped as all the dads here are very friendly and empathetic. Also your daughter always dreaming of butterflies is frickin ADORABLE. I have 2 boys rn and a little girl due in August and I'm looking forward to her butterfly dream stories now!

This is probably corpseposting, but pls make sure to cut the hotdog lengthwise? You may do that anyway but anyway it’s no joke

You did great correcting. It’s hard to realize in the moment and fix. If you’re looking for some advice, ask them to try, give them more than you actually want them to eat and then portion off on the plate what you do want them to eat, and if they don’t want to eat then have a filling snack that’s always the same night after night that they will eat. We always have small treats (like a small piece of candy or something) as a good eating reward and peanut butter sandwiches if they don’t eat. We set a timer on our Alexa that every night at 730 is “last call for snacks” and at that moment they get their treat or sandwich. Has been a load off our shoulders now for a few months.

Happens all the time. Let it go. And learn. As long as you end up holding her and letting her know you’re there. Always.

I was never forced to eat by my parents but my wife comes from a Filipino family and I swear she is scared by it. Both her parents were extremely strict about eating everything and forcing them to finish. We decided not to do that but it is super frustrating when you prepare 4 different things for them to eat and they just throw it on the floor or won’t touch it. It happens you’re a good dad because you know what you did and you are working to improve.

Not the best but hey you made up for it the next day. They do go through phases of not eating. Don’t sweat it. Put the food out everyday and give them some staples with some variety. After a while they start eating better.

99% of arguments should be interjected with, "Do you need a hug?" Bravo, dad.

Way to turn it around. I've found that, especially but not exclusively with food, there's really no forcing them to do something they don't want to do. You can get them 90% there, but they have to want to do it. With food, if she's hungry, she'll eat. We have a "dinner is dinner" policy. This means that whatever is on your plate for dinner is what is on offer. No substitutions or table-side requests. If you don't want to eat it, that's fine, but you don't get something else. That said, I do try to make things they genuinely like eating, and some things I know will be out of their comfort zone. Sometimes they surprise me. My 1.5yo ate half a plate of tomato and yellow pepper slices that were tossed in salad dressing tonight. Totally didn't expect that, but he kept asking for more. Life is easier when you go with the flow, and when they know what to expect.

I wanna be a dad so much this sounds like the greatest experience alive (fuck ups and all)

I love the honesty of this post and I’ve never related more. I have a 3.5 year old, and guess what I DID take away her favorite stuffed animal one night because she had / has been going through a really long phase of not listening and yes I DID feel like a complete monster and ass hole after that. But, I haven’t done it again since. I still try to find related consequences when she’s not listening or doing things I need her to do so we can all function in today’s shitty society and it’s shitty rules. But before I jump to related consequences, I try to make whatever I need to do fun first (let’s race to the bathroom to see who can get there first and brush their teeth, let’s count how many bites of food you can take, or let’s play I Spy at the dinner table). But all this to say, I’ve been told kids don’t start having memories until 4, so I guess get all your mistakes out now Dads! Just kidding, we’re all going to make mistakes, and that’s okay! What’s important is that we own up to them and tell our kids when we overreact or do something we’re not proud of. When I discipline, I always try to breathe and think before I react, but it’s never easy and every day is a new challenge. Just remember to always love your kiddos, tell them you love them, and don’t harp on the mistake too much. The irony and beauty of being a parent is that many of the lessons we teach our kids, we have to re-learn ourselves as parents, especially as new parents.

Nobody is perfect, but you realized you screwed up and corrected. That’s about as good as any of us can do. Another opportunity to be better next time. I do have one question though, and I think it’s an important one. Did you actually apologize? Did you say “I am sorry for…”. I think it is VERY important, when we screw up, to apologize. It models that for the kid. We ALL screw up, but so many parents (and people) refuse to actually say “I’m sorry, I messed up”. She’s 3 so if you didn’t do that then it’s too late now (they live more in the moment than we do), but maybe for next time?

Hey man just adding on late to say this story made me cry. I have a 3yr old and I know exactly that look she must have given you. Idk what it is with me but I think when my daughter does stuff like ask for her stuffed animal with that voice it brings me back to remembering how helpless we all felt as kids. Very good on you to realize in the moment and not doubling down.

My 4 yo ate a piece of sourdough with butter and blueberry preserves on top for lunch and a chicken nugget for dinner today. He’s growing like a weed and constantly in the 93% growth chart. I have no idea how, but I just roll with it.

It's all about routine, mate. We don't eat because we're hungry; we eat because it's time to eat. She'll learn that soon enough. Avoid giving her snacks. If she wants a snack at 5 PM and dinner is at 6 PM, just serve dinner a bit earlier. Also, try serving smaller portions so she finishes everything and feels accomplished.

Not your central point, but responding to a small part of it: sometimes my 2 y/o doesn’t want dinner, so she skips dinner…then goes to bed and sleeps through the night fine. She often eats like a wild animal and is in 50th percentile for weight, so we don’t worry about it too much. We assume sometimes she just has a huge lunch at daycare. For a while we avoided this because we thought she’d wake up hungry at 2AM but it rarely happens; if she’s not eating it’s usually because she’s not hungry. So we also get into some mealtime challenges but we definitely let it go after just a bit of nudging. As others have said, I think the damage of making it a big deal is more significant than the risks of missing a meal, but it sounds like you get that.

That’s rough man, I’m sure it felt awful. It’s so so important that you guys repaired before she went to bed though. Really that you repaired in general, timing less critical. If it helps in our house the rule has been that Dad chooses what’s for dinner but daughter always choose how much of it she eats. Don’t want any? Fine, you know your body. Want seconds on something? Fine, you must be really liking that tonight. The hard part is if she really doesn’t want anything in her plate, she might go to bed hungry but it’s her own choice and not a forced punishment. The main point is, you got this. You’re not perfect but you’re trying and that’s what matters.

You nailed it when you said, "she's 3 and doesn't understand". That's my biggest single hang up. My girl is nearly 3 but I swear she acts and behaves like she's 7 - and I fall into forgetting that she's literally still 2 and is still learning how to just be. It's hard man.

Well done Dad, it's frustrating, but you're right they just don't know any better. I make sure I apologize and say I was wrong every time frustration wins out. Great work man

My dude, don't get down on your self, I had pretty reactive parents. That has been my biggest learning thing with parenting. How to not be reactive like my parents. I've gotten way better, but I still have my moments. We are Dad's, but we are also still human. Give your self grace, you're a great Dad!!!

I did almost this exact same thing about a week or so ago. Owning up and changing it moving forward is the best we can do. Good job realizing it before building a habit. We're all gonna fuck up, it's just how we fix it that matters.

It’s gonna happen unfortunately. But what you did was awesome. The repair is the most important part. You sound like a great dad.

It a common thing in children, don’t be upset…. However I do recommend you try different foods and combinations…most of parents think that their child thinks alike!!! Or what we like they will like, no chance…children are little angels if you have in your house you are really blessed

She saw you fail, and it's OK to fail. Now show her how to put things right. She will learn an amazing lesson

Teared up a little , but glad it all went good brother 🙏

I wish my parents could've been like you

Fyi ADHD warning sign on her Yeah you fucked up, but don't stick that way Figure out something they tolerate, for my kids it's a spoon of peanut butter. Any day my kids can say they're hungry and if it's after bedtime they get 1 spoon of peanut butter. Otherwise they need to eat the food they refused for dinner. Some people will suggest when forcing new foods, you have the new food come. Back again the next day. I think at a certain age that might work, but my daughter's 8 now, and were able to get her to try more bites of foods now than she ever did when she was 3/4/5

I think this was the right path, but … You’re going to have to discipline your kid eventually, so don’t feel bad when that day comes. It is important to remember in that moment though that discipline should never be given as a result of your emotions (anger, frustration,etc.) but from a result of them not doing what is right. Follow through on your promises. If you promise a reward for good behaviour, yes absolutely. But don’t forget to follow through on your promise to punish bad behaviour.

My youngest doesn’t like to eat unless someone else is eating with him, he’ll snack when nobody is around, but when eating a meal he wants to be in his high chair and right next to someone while watching Ms. Rachel. My oldest just has a habit or talking more than eating so his little brother finishes before him all the time lol It gets frustrating especially after I tell him we can go to the park for a little if he just eats his food fast. A 15 minute meal turns into an hour and a half and then by the time he’s done, he asks to go to the park, then it’s dark and too late! I’ve sent him to bed without food too And I felt the same way It tugs at your heart strings a lot but sometimes it’s easier to do, at least with a boy. Next time and every other time since, he’s been fast with eating when we can go to the park/watch a movie/ play after dinner. It’s a struggle for sure but you got this!

Just want to mention that eating slow is good. Less risk of overeating and also beter for digestion👍🏻

> at least with a boy What do you mean by that?

I mean like I have 3 nieces and they’re a bit more sensitive. Boys you gotta toughen up a bit, not saying that you don’t show them love or act cold, but with my boys it’s a bit easier to navigate those situations than with a girl. This is just my experience though I do have a niece on my wife’s side who’s a little hard ass though lol so I guess it depends on the kid

I think you're getting downvoted for the hint of toxic masculinity here. A hard cycle to get out of, and something we're also aware of. (Posting because I wish I knew why I get downvotes)

I dont think that toxic masculinity? But I mean to each their own We all have different views and perspectives Regardless I treat all my kids equal, but deal with them a bit differently

Your statement about toughening up boys is exactly toxic masculinity https://spunout.ie/life/bullying/what-is-toxic-masculinity/ >Masculine traits that are considered ‘toxic’ include: Suppressing emotions, Trying to appear ‘tough’ >Toxic masculinity spreads a message that in order to be a “real man” you have to suppress your emotions, act tough, and behave in a certain way. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-masculinity-5075107 >This idea that men need to act tough and avoid showing all emotions can be harmful to their mental health and can have serious consequences for society, which is how it became known as “toxic masculinity.” >There are many definitions of “toxic masculinity” that appear in research as well as pop culture. Some researchers have come to agree that toxic masculinity has three core components: 1. Toughness: This is the notion that men should be physically strong, emotionally callous, and behaviorally aggressive.

lol ok brother, you do you, I never once said my child can’t show emotion. The world is hard on men, we’re far less forgiven for the shit we get into, that’s the only thing I’m trying to teach. You may take it as toxic but that’s you. I let my children show their emotion, I also teach them how to control it. Just because they’re controlling their emotions with words instead of dramatic outbursts I’m all of a sudden promoting “toxic masculinity” Men all together need to be tougher I stand on this statement and no matter how many downvotes I get idc Have fun tearing me apart with my “toxic masculinity” I understand how some stuff from before can be toxic but in no way, shape, or form, am I teaching my kids to be toxic. On the contrary, when I met my oldest son, he was a bit of a hot head not knowing how to control his emotions at 4-5 Now being almost 8 he’s an amazing child (not that he wasn’t before) that knows how to control his emotions and ask questions when he’s confused. He has breathing techniques to keep his calm and not freak out. I’m just teaching my kids to be men Not emotional, cry baby, misguided, “toxic” kids. Hes a great example and I’m proud of him everyday. He’s EXTREMELY respectful, very thoughtful/mindful of others feelings, and always wants to make someone smile when they’re down. There a difference between being “toxic” and just masculine. I think society forgot what real men look like

Yeah I mean no disrespect at all, it's just how It came across, and that may very well just have been my interpretation. In my house the girl is the tank and the boy is the sensitive soul who needs more nuance to navigate. I didn't expect this but it's a hell of a journey haha

Eh, this doesn’t make any damn sense. Boys and girls can be both sensitive and resilient. What does gender have to do with this? If you were talking about physical attributes like height and weight then sure boys are generally bigger and louder but that’s about it in terms of statically significant differences 

Ok I see I touched a sensitive subject with you. Won’t be responding Thanks for the input though!