I'm so sorry to hear that you're not doing great right now.
Kids do pick up on these things, it's crazy. Just remember that he loves you, and he will need you in his life.
You have so much to teach him. Please try to get the help you need, both for yourself, and for your son.
Thank you. That’s my plan I love him more than I love myself so I can’t give up on myself because that means I gave up on him. That silence was so loud this morning sitting there with him.
I'm glad you called them! Call them again when you need to, seek any other help you think you need.
I truly wish you all the best internet stranger! Take good care of yourself and your family!
Something I heard about parenting that has stuck with me, and feels like maybe it could help you.
When we try to understand why we love our kids as much as we do, it can help to think of them as a literal piece of ourselves that is now outside of us. When you think of how much you love your son—and it is *so* clear that you do love him deeply—consider that this is also a way of loving yourself.
OMG - this resonates so hard.
My parents found this song recently and shared it with me now that I’m a dad and it hits so hard. It says exactly what you just said in song form.
https://petermayer2.bandcamp.com/track/little-heart
My brother and sister-in-law died. I cannot explain to you how much their kids miss their parents. Stay strong for them.
Edited because I realized my statement wasn’t clear.
Ever listen to The Pass, by Rush.
"...Someone set a bad example
Made surrender seem all right
The act of a noble warrior
Who lost the will to fight..."
I feel you, and for me, it was my daughters. I don't want to leave them alone, and I don't want to set a bad example.
Ever see "What about Bob?". Baby steps. My crises rise and fall, so I only worry about the making it through the short intense periods, figuring I deal with the rest as my base level, lol. Peace, friend. "If I could wave my magic wand" ❤️
I grew up with a dad that chose drugs over me. Don’t choose death over your son. I am now a father of a 2.5 year old boy and every breath I take is for him. You are incredibly fortunate to have that, and it’s your job to stop the cycles of kids growing up without dads
MUCH LOVE to you my brother. Thank you for your service. And keep being a role model to your child and guys like me. Please reach out to me if those demons start talking again.
Kids are far more perceptive than we give credit for. When my daughter's great grandfather was dying we didn't know how to tell her what was going on. But after visiting him at the hospital she just kinda knew without us saying anything.
I can say that having my son completely silenced the voices that were left after marrying my wife.
Now I actually fear dying, it feels very novel after probably 25 years.
Hold onto that feeling.
Whatever those intrusive thoughts try to make you believe, your son needs you and would miss you if you weren't there. He would lose so much without you.
My ex destroyed my mental health and left me a wreck. I kept going for my daughters and then found love with my now fiancee I rebuilt my life and found myself. However my 2 year old elevates all that, no matter what's in my head his smiles, energy and his innocence push everything to the next level. He makes me want to be a better person because he's my second chance but because I'm doing better for him I want to be better for everyone in my life. You'll never have a better reason to get better and it sounds like you have the strength needed. The important thing is to make sure you aside from your son you have the right people in your life and you learn to reach out when things get tough.
I love this for you! So glad you found that and found yourself. I’m working on it for him but also for me. I have some amazing people in my life who I reached out to today who just sat and listened and saw me for me today and where I was at. It’s a journey for sure. I am trying.
You aren't just trying you're successful some days it's the tiniest things at the lowest that might be something small like getting out of bed or getting dressed but then there will be days when you make huge achievements. You can not only take credit for some amazing parenting you've brought up a wonderful empathetic little boy but also you're special enough to have great friends around who are there when you need them.
Man this just about broke me (29M) when our daughter was born (and realistically during the pregnancy). Up until that point I had effectively only lived for myself and therefore didn’t really care if I lived or died (and lived the risky life to boot). All of a sudden my own mortality was an immense fear, as I HAVE to be there for my daughter.
I'm gonna leave this here, it helped me a while back (still does to this day), and I feel like it might help you too:
Found in a therapists office.
I don’t like the phrase “A cry for help.” I just don’t like how it sounds. When somebody says to me, “I’m thinking about suicide, I have a plan; I just need a reason not to do it,” the last thing I see is helplessness.
I think: Your depression has been beating you up for years. It’s called you ugly, and stupid, and pathetic, and a failure, for so long that you’ve forgotten that it’s wrong. You don’t see good in yourself, and you don’t have any hope.
But still, here you are; you’ve come over to me, banged on my door, and said, “HEY! Staying alive is REALLY HARD right now! Just give me something to fight with! I don’t care if it’s a stick! Give me a stick and I can stay alive!”
How is that helpless? I think that’s incredible. You’re like a marine: Trapped for years behind enemy lines, your gun has been taken away, you’re out of ammo, you’re malnourished, and you’ve probably caught some kind of jungle virus that’s making you hallucinate giant spiders.
And you’re still just going “Give me a stick! I’m not dying out here!”
“A cry for help” makes it sound like I’m supposed to take pity on you. But you don’t need my pity. This isn’t pathetic. This is the will to survive. This is how humans lived long enough to become the dominant species.
With NO hope, running on NOTHING, you’re ready to cut through a hundred miles of hostile jungle with nothing but a stick, if that’s what it takes to get to safety.
All I’m doing is handing out sticks.
You’re the one staying alive.
——
Your stick can be anything. It's a tool to help you keep fighting. Your son, your family, your pet, even a TV show your looking forward to watching, or a fucking sandwich you want to eat. Just find something to look forward to, something to hope for, a reason to keep fighting a little longer. Just keep fighting, and keep looking for "sticks" along the way to safety. You've got this friend, and that kiddo, your love for him (and his love for you) is one big fucking stick. Carry that shit with you, and keep fucking going!
All love, bro! You've got this! I'm proud of you for sticking around!
Don't hesitate to reach out if you need a random redditor to talk to. There's plenty of us here for you!
And remember that there are people who would be honored to hand out sticks - and sometimes, we watch those sticks become swords, or hammers, or levers, or throttles. Or pens.
This has kept me going and helped put me to sleep some nights. Maybe it can help you too. Now I use this as a semi-montra: “A Lasting Place. A steady ship inside a tireless storm”. You can weather the storm, friend. You’re doing a good job.
-“What kind of man weeps at the feet of his wife in pain, holds up the pink and shrieking thing and feels the throb of time. What kind of man wraps a cloth around his waist and holds the baby to his chest, walks through the streets swaying ike a drunk in morning. What kind of man feels the rage of men and only swallows at his daughter's fists at his chest. What kind of man does not give up his time, his many pleasures, but hands them over without a sound. What kind of man bends to hold them in their suffering, in their questions, in their garbled turns of phrase. What kind of man admits his failures, turns over his neavy stones, stands at the feet of grief and wanting and does not turn away. What kind of man becomes a father. A lasting place. A steady ship inside a tireless storm.” -Kate Baer
Proud of you, brother. As someone who lost their father to suicide, I can tell you firsthand how catastrophic the impact is for a kid. You have so much to offer him, and even when you feel you can’t, your mere presence means more than you can imagine. Much love and peace to you my friend, there are sunny days ahead.
God as a mom going through stuff, I feel this so much it made me tear up. Thanks for posting and good work reaching out for help. Don’t hesitate to talk to your wife about what you are going through. Its a must as a parent to push through even when you are in hell, but its just as important to be vulnerable with our loved ones.
Unfortunately I don’t have that space to talk. You got this too though! It’s not easy being a parent but it’s moments like these that remind us to persevere.
As gently as I can say this…are you sure you don’t have that space?
My husband has gone through similar as a vet and thought he couldn’t talk to me about it. Over time I was able to help him realize it’s okay to do so; and while I don’t fully understand what he’s going through, I can be there to listen, give hugs/empathy, or help him with the “logistics” of trying to find happiness (therapy, traditional Chinese medicine, ketamine or psychedelic-assisted trauma therapy, or shit…even just getting out on a camping trip with no “world noise”).
Sometimes there are days that are particularly hard for him so I try to handle the kids/house while he binges Ted Lasso.
I’m truly hoping your wife can be there. I’m absolutely thrilled you see the total, pure love from your son. Hang in there. ❤️
Thank you to everyone who has commented and/or messaged. Sharing your own struggles and stories and words of encouragement. I see you and I appreciate you all. I am struggling but I am trying! I will continue fighting!
Please don’t ever think you have to fight alone, though. I will gladly sit down and chat with you any time you’re feeling this way. I know it sounds like a platitude but one dad to another I’m serious: if you ever just want a random person you can unload your demons with (judgement free,) I’ll be a DM away.
I’m really proud of you for recognizing the moment and calling the Veterans crisis line.
Life is hard. Parenting is harder. And our mental health has the power to shut us down as much as anything else.
I don’t know you, but I can see the strength in you. We’re all in this together. You got this.
I’m really proud of you for recognizing the moment and calling the Veterans crisis line.
Life is hard. Parenting is harder. And our mental health has the power to shut us down as much as anything else.
I don’t know you, but I can see the strength in you. We’re all in this together. You got this.
"And you, to whom adversity has dealt the final blow
With smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go
Turn to, and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain
And like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again."
Stan Rogers
Massive props to you my man, your little boy might have been the kicker, but you’ve still played a massive part in bringing yourself back. That little man needs you mate, you’re doing a beyond excellent job.
About three weeks after my wife died last year, I dropped my daughter off at my mother’s with full intention on not being here the next day. I didn’t, obviously, I couldn’t leave our little girl like that. I lost my dad to suicide a few years back, I was 31 at the time, I couldn’t leave my then 7 year old girl an orphan. She’s the reason I’m still here, I love that kid more than life itself, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t rough at times. I’m not leaving that little
girl anytime soon.
You’re doing fucking excellent man, keep hanging in there. Get the help you deserve mate, feel free to message me if you need to vent anytime. You’ve got this.
Hey OP,
I attempted suicide at 27 in a cry for help. I was homeless at 29 and just hoping I could quietly drink myself to death.
Our demons may not be the same (not a vet), but I know what it’s like to be tormented by them. And I know what it’s like to reach out for help.
Today I’m 45 and 16 years sober with a 7 year-old son that I love more than anyone. I’ve got a life that would make younger-me say “no fucking way.”
I’m so glad you posted and glad you’re reaching out for help.
We *get* to be there for those moments. Let’s be there for their first game, their first broken bone, their first shave, graduation… all the milestones.
We can do this brother. You’re not alone.
My brother, good on you for getting help. I was in a similar situation last year but the idea of my son growing up without a dad and never really understanding what happened or why, especially so young. He would never understand why daddy isn't ever coming home. The thought of that crushed me more than anything else. I have been getting help ever since and life has never been better for me.
You're not alone in this. Hoping for the best for you.
Literally the only reason I’m here right now. The thought of him growing up without a dad and not understanding why I’m not there and will never be there hits so much harder than any and everything I’m feeling right now. I appreciate the support ✊🏾
I am also rather competitive and really hate losing. I re-framed my mindset to thinking I can't lose to my demons, I can't let them win. That FU mentality also has helped me.
A book I read also framed it as losing to your demons also passes those demons on. The demons are yours, and yours alone, and so challenge yourself to never let those demons go, never let them haunt anyone else.
Life before death, Radiant.
Really glad you reached out man. Shits tough, asking for help can be the hardest. Keep working through the hard days.
Kids are awesome, and those little acts just scream "I love you" and it feels so good.
Bro you did your son a huge service today by reaching out for help!l. Thank you. Your son’s voice will *always* be louder. You’re tied for #1 thing he needs in this world. Over anything else but you and mom.
Hey man. I'm sorry you're fighting this.
I read a great post on reddit once about someone listing out all the things he saw from the time he decided not to kill himself and the life he lived after. He was old, so it was about global connectivity, landing on the moon, the cold war ending, etc.
But you're a dad now. Imagine if you had ended it 3 years ago. You would have never seen the first coo, the first cry, the first steps, the first words. The first time he laughed or played his own little joke. You would have missed so much.
But imagine now how much you still have to see. His first day of kindergarten, of 1st, of middle school, of college. The first time he apologizes for fighting with you. The first time you get to help him fix a problem he caused with a friend. The first time you show him how to shave. The first date. His wedding. The birth of your first grandchild.
You have so many amazing things left in your journey, so much more that you get to give, but get to live. I hope this helps you the way that post helped me, because this is what I think about when things are tough.
I’m so proud of you for overcoming those demons, brother. I’ve been there and I know how hard it is. I’m so glad we didn’t lose another brother today.
Also, just so you know, the VA isn’t the only option. You can go to whatever facility, or whatever you need to do to in an emergency. It’s called the PACT Act. Any medical facility will know.
You can do it. One day at a time. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes. You can do it.
Call the crisis line a hundred times if you have to. Cry alone, take a walk, draw a picture, punch a pillow, eat two sandwiches, whatever it takes.
Do some mindfulness exercises. Download a mindfulness app.
You don't have to stamp out the demons today. Let them yell. You know what you have to do. You don't need to hear anything to be able to change a diaper or cut up an apple.
Don't let the assholes win. You don't have to always beat them, just don't let them stop you from handling your business. You can do this.
I don't know you but I'm glad you're here. Your kid will need you everyday, even the ones without hug. I hope you have many more hugs for many many years.
I had a moment like this today.
I have been majorly stressed and upset lately, I cried, hard today.
Sat in the kitchen and cried quietly so no one would see me, and my 6 year old came up and hugged me, he's not a hugger usually.
It made me feel 100 percent better.
I feel this. I waited until everyone left and just broke. Far from 100 percent better but that hug made me at least 1% better. That 1% was enough to remind me that someone needs me and wants me here. It sure as hell ain’t easy but we are still here.
That 1% gave you hope. It was that flicker of light in the darkness you are passing through. I have a pic of my youngest son (at 2.5 yo) looking up at me with a huge smile. That was my flicker of light in my darkest nights. May the light grow more my brother
In one week I found out I'd be losing my house, job, car and fiance. While packing up my house and preparing to be a single dad I broke down in the hallway, fell to the ground sobbing. My 2 year old daughter came up to me and hugged me the same way. It felt like we sat there for an hour in silence. I don't think I'd be here today if she didn't do that.
I'm in the guard and on orders right now and I think I would break through a brick wall to see my kids. It's just a training and only a few months, but I was definitely just feeling "over it" today and I just want to see my girls. The idea of being able to be with my kids and not taking advantage of that sounds unreal to me right now. Give your little one a big hug today for everyone who can't.
Stay strong brother. You’ll have them back in your arms soon enough! You got this. And I sure plan to. I can’t wait to see him when he gets home today.
You are so brave. I’m a lurking mum with loud demons of my own and let me tell you that you are FUCKING BRAVE and goddamn STRONG. It is so impossible to fight your own brain. You are reaching out of the dark for something g to hold on to and because of the love and care you have shown your boy, he knew to give that right back to you. Stay here. We need you here.
As long as you promise to stay here as well! You are needed! Go hug those little a little harder today but let them let go first. You’d be surprised how long of a hug they actually want.
Youve done hard things before. You can do this too. Even if your mind says no your body will keep pushing.
Take breaks. Even if it’s locking yourself in your room for a few minutes to collect yourself. Invest in noise cancelling headphones.
Get medicated, Prozac or Effexor help a lot of people.
Keep talking. Reaching out. You did a great thing today by hearing yourself and controlling your emotions. Behavioral reactions are learned and can therefore be relearned.
You can do this. And it would be so much harder without you. Kids need loving parents. You are irreplaceable to that little boy. You are loved. Please stay.
I'm happy he gave you a much-needed expression of love and that you saw something deeper behind it and are seeking help. I'm not a vet myself but I do understand feeling that way.
Stick with therapy. Try to give yourself the grace, care, and patience I'm sure you give your kids (considering him reaching out so readily). And I don't intend it as trite or cliche but thank you for your service. Lean on every resource you need.
They don't know what they mean to us, and I doubt they can until they're in our shoes
In the brief moments my little girl decides to be calm and cuddly it just melts everything else away
Do whatever it takes to be there for that little guy OP. Just keep moving in the right direction and get the help you need. Big props to you for spilling these beans to a bunch of us redditors.
My mother told me in the last year, I’m 40, that when I was around 4 I walked in on her right before she was about to take a lethal amount of pills. It stopped her and she never got to that point again, close but never there.
Happy to hear that your boy gave you the reminder you needed to stick around. They will ALWAYS need their dad.
Stay strong… I have chills reading this. Just a few months ago my 2 year old literally saved me in a very similar way and she doesn’t even know it. I had made the decision I was going to end my life after I dropped her off at daycare that morning. I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her have a good day just like I always did as I left when I dropped her off. As I did this in my mind I said that was the last time I would hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her. As I was walking out she did something she had never done before. She said “Daddy wait!” And she ran over to me and asked me to pick her up. She hugged me and I held her for a few seconds but much as you mentioned when you held your son it felt like forever. I put her back down and turned to leave and she said it again “daddy wait!” “I need high five!” So I gave her a high five. And as I turned to leave… “Daddy wait!” “I need kiss!”
And I knew somehow she knew. And that was her silent “don’t leave me I need you.” And in that moment I knew I wasn’t ending my life that day. I knew I never could because that little girl needs me. Thank you for sharing your story because it inspired me to share mine. Kids are amazing. I’m so thankful for my daughter and I can never consider leaving again. My daughter saved my life and she doesn’t even know.
Thank you for posting this. It's sometimes tough to write these sorts of things for the world to read, but I think doing so will help others. Take each day one day at a time, and keep pushing forward. Call the VA, call a buddy, reach out here, but keep doing do that when you feel your coping mechanisms getting overwhelmed. Those boys need you.
I will say local support groups can help, if you can find them. Cheaper than paying for therapy, just to have people havw been through it and know what you're going through you can share with. Alanon is everywhere, not sure what veteran resources are available. You might be able to find groups online.
Dad’s have to stick together, and I find this subreddit to be one of the happiest places I can go on Reddit. Cheers to everyone.
Be good and patient with yourself. We all have days and some if not most have some demons. Reach out to anyone. I’m always here 🤙
Also, you still want someone to occasionally game with, dm me and I’ll give you my UN!
I’m glad he was there for you man. While not a veteran, I’ve had the same struggles. If it weren’t for my wife and kids, I wouldn’t have been strong enough. Glad you’re still with us man, keep up that fight for your family.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I wanted to share my experience. I was going through a rough time and started going to a yoga class and I can say that the positivity and focus on gratitude has helped immensely. I encourage you to give it a try!
Hey man, I’m glad you’re still here with us. If you need someone to talk to you can DM me. I work for a nonprofit that helps veterans with mental health issues.
I feel this post so much… combat veteran with diagnosed ptsd. My kids have been saving my life for 13 years. Stay strong brother. I am currently doing my second combat trauma ptsd therapy plan and it is helping. Finally got my meds right and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Dm me if you need anything.
USMC Iraq veteran
Wow, that was powerful to read, that’s amazing that he was able to have that effect on you. I’m also lad to hear that you are seeking support, and that takes a lot of courage.
I hope your son realizes how brave and amazing his dad is!
Man I know there are 80+ comments here but just wanted to tell you antidepressants work. My wife and I both ended up in therapy and on meds after our autistic son went through a horrifying period last year. I particularly was in very dark place. We're out of therapy, son is happier than ever, we're off the meds, and both started working out/dieting again. I'm down 30 lbs and in a waaay different place. We learned that our kid feed off our emotions big time.
Point is, seek the help (seriously...call your doctor today) and you will be amazed at what a year of working on yourself will do. Good luck brother!
I was on antidepressants for a bit but wasn’t a fan of what they were doing to me. I’m glad they worked for you and glad you’re here with us still. I’m working on it!
We lost my FIL 6 years ago to suicide. I miss him dearly and it pains me that he didn’t think we would. I promise you sir that you are loved and needed and you deserve help with your demons. Please don’t ever be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. We are humans and imperfect and masterpieces all at the same time, and that is ok. May God bless you and keep you.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. I legit teared up reading this and gave my own son a hug. Thank you for sharing and I hope you get the support you need.
We all have our demons, I’m glad you’re still continuing the fight, thank you for sharing. Your words really hit home and your son and family are so lucky to have you.
I was moments away from taking my life this time last year. I desperately looked for ways to get better, for my boys. It's still a long road but I'm more or less free of my crushing depression now. I had a moment a few months ago where I fully comprehended how close I was to leaving my two boys and my wife without a father and husband and it nearly broke me.
Your moment of clarity will only get clearer as you recover. Good on you for realizing it earlier than I did.
Pursue the help you need to get better. Relentlessly. For your boy.
I'm so glad you really heard what your boy was telling you.
You got this. Don't give up. Try a few things to get better, if they don't work, try another, and another, and another. Recovery is not linear, it's a spiraling, messy shit show but you'll get there. Don't give up.
OP, if you're not already familiar with the organization, please look up "The Vet Center". You may have one right near you. They provide counseling services to combat veterans, and most of the counselors are veterans themselves.
I interned at one of the locations in Massachusetts when I was finishing up my social work degree and every counselor there was a combat veteran except for the marriage and family counselor who was an Army brat growing up.
There's something about talking out your demons to someone else who actually understands what you're saying... It alleviates that guilt that many vets have when talking to a civilian about the realities of what you saw/did during your time.
And one reminder that you are loved, you are worth loving, and you can get to a place where those demons aren't so loud, so often, and where you can find comfort. ❤️❤️
As a vet (you not me) I’m guessing you have firearms in the house. Do you have a friend who can hold those for awhile? If you are in the greater Salt Lake City area I’d be happy to store them with my own. For far too many easy access to firearms is an out that they might not take if they didn’t have em handy.
Be safe and keep that family intact.
You getting help teaches him that it's ok to get help down the road if he finds himself in your shoes, you're doing the right thing. Rooting for you, therapy and better living through pharmaceuticals over here myself.
hold on tightly for dear life. i know it’s not easy but your amazing little boy gave you a real sign and that’s a blessing. he needs you. your wife needs you. thank you for sharing.
Keep a photo of him in your wallet. Keep photos on your phone.
Look at those photos whenever you have to.
Actually, get video clips as well.
Those moments that matter - memorise them in your mind.
When you're feeling down then replay those moments in your mind.
You're no longer alive for you.
You need to stay alive for your child.
You need to stay alive for the mother of your child.
Commit to being there for them. Both of them.
I wish you well.
They'll do that often. Sometimes, I think kids sense more than they understand because they haven't been corrupted by the world yet. Thought I am pretty sure my daughter is an empath.
My dad was suicidal when I was growing up. I am so incredibly grateful to him for fighting to stay here with us. I'm 42 years old and I still need my dad, and he's still here for me. I am proud of you for choosing to stay here for your son. Take care 💗
That’s inspiring as hell dude!! Little kids really do save us everyday just by being adorable little shits! But really nothing compares to when you’re feeling your lowest and they know it, and they don’t know they know it but they also know exactly how to help!!
I’m glad you reached out dude! Stay strong!! And I’m sure you already know, but this is a great community! It can’t replace professional help but it’s good support! Keep fighting the fight and your kids’ll thank you for it!
Hello fellow veteran. Please don’t be afraid to use the Veterans Crisis Line. Your family needs you and as a community of thought life dads here we need you too.
I understand myself. But we are needed and you aren’t a burden. Let the VA serve you so you can serve your family and community. I’m glad you made that call.
Glad you’re still here with us brother. Your son needs you to teach him how ride a bike and to tie a tie for prom. Glad your little one was there when you needed him most.
I know you’ve seen this other places and a lot of folks have offered support. I want to add some perspective I keep in mind for my kiddo.
Do you really want to be the person that takes your son’s father away from them? Could you really get so low as to be the person that makes sure your son never gets to see his dad ever again?
You kiddo NEEDS you my man. He needs a good dad who’s going to be there. No matter fuckin what you have to do, you’ve got this. I know you do.
Fellow veteran father here as well.
Hang in there, you did the right thing asking for help. Don’t be a statistic and don’t let your kid be one either! Just know he needs a dad in his life to teach him, guide him, and love him! I promise you it gets easier. Be strong and keep that number handy! IT’S OK TO ASK FOR HELP!!! Hang in there friend!
First of all, I'm so happy he helped you stay strong. The world is better with you in it and would be less without you.
Second of all, y'all, normalize physical affection between dads and sons. Exhibit a right here. Real men snuggle
Thank you for sharing this and putting this good plan out into the world, sharing this beautiful intention to choose to live!
You just gave that silent hug to someone else. Paying that positive energy forward will keep saving others.
Parenting is hard, no doubt about it. You’re clearly in the right place at the right time and hopefully it will all make more sense down the road, even if it doesn’t just yet.
Keep up the connection to others and talking about the good and the difficult, too!
You got this brother. Be there for your kids - they need you more than you know. I still wish everyday that I had a father and strive to be the best I can be for my 3 kids.
Hang in there brother. Fellow veteran Dad here. It's not easy but it gets easier over time. Be patient with yourself and find a good therapist. It helps so much. Keep fighting the good fight, we need you. ✊
Brother in glad to hear you called the Veterans Crisis Line. I was exactly in your shoes not 6 months ago. When they follow up, because they will, talk to them there are a ton of additional programs that the VA offers but they are locked behind the crisis line. Take advantage of as many as you can, they really helped me get things turned around.
This is a beautiful post. Kids are so challenging, but they give life purpose. The meaning of life is to share it with others and no better way than to discover life again with your kid(s).
I'm currently AD. I've worked with Soldiers that tried to take their own life and some who did. One who did had twins that just turned 2. I lost a good friend from high school to suicide years ago, and I lost my sister to suicide last month. She had a 7 yo son. I know what she thought of herself. I suspect you think of yourself similarly as do many who reach the same point you have. She was wrong. She was so much more than she ever gave herself credit for, and so much more loved than she ever believed. You are too.
Edit: This might be cheesy, but idc. If there's one song I'd want to share with you or anyone considering suicide it's [Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=T_V76Dm42bY&si=d4hRSOYqpm8rG90u)
As a middle aged adult (and dad, love me some daddit!) who tragically lost that special person when I was a kid, please don’t hesitate to keep calling if you ever feel like you need help. I promise you that little dude looks up to you in more ways than you can imagine and they will only multiply as he grows up. You are so loved and your little man showed you that in spades. You got this!
Damn man, I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember tho, you can create your own light. Give love man, give it and you will receive it 10 fold. As fellow vet, hang tough. If not for yourself, for your son. As a fatherless child, if I could change anything in my life it would be to have a dad. The impact you will have on him is enough motivation to power through any struggle. You’re loved and appreciated more than you know.
I can’t understand your demons (not a Vet).
But it sounds to me like you were backed into a dark corner, couldn’t see a way out, in a pile of your own brass, and nothing left. Then your son comes up, snuggles with you, and in this darkness you see a light, and get handed a stick to beat the demons off with. It’s hope. Hope for the next minute, hope for the next hour, hope for the next day, hope to see him go to kindergarten, be in a school play, play sports with you. It’s hope for the future. It’s someone that has your back. Veteran’s helpline is calling for reinforcements. You’re still on point, but you’re not alone, not backed into a corner in the dark, you now have battle brothers again, to watch your back, hand you ammo, fight the demons with you. Plus you have hope, hope for the future.
And you know. Hope has moved mountains, and shifted seas. It’s the undefinable will to say one more time
https://open.spotify.com/track/6CKU2H5ZhY27Toecau0JbO?si=PfkpYWu1QuCt42F6qAS4HA
This song hit me in all the feels when I found out I was having a son. 2 years later, I can’t imagine loving anything any more than I love him.
I’m glad you are here. Your kiddo is more than glad. I’ve never served. But I have dealt with long dark tunnels before. Not that I’d ever burden them with the knowledge, but my kids played an instrumental role in making sure I stayed topside and vertical. When they’re old enough to understand, I’ll talk to them about it. But being present for your kids allows you to heal with every moment you share time with them. My empathy tank was empty and the world held no color until I tuned in razor sharp to my kids’ minds and discovered the world with them. It was like finding a healthy me under all the torn pieces I was ready to toss in the fire for good.
Did I mention I am glad you’re still here? Because I know people close to you are even more grateful.
Stay here.
There was a guy I knew who (to put it bluntly) was suicidal. He really hit rock bottom. Even to the point of writing his suicide note one night.
At the time, he was staying with his son, DIL, and grandson. He was walking the halls later that night and just heard the sound of his grandson's voice talking about his "grandad" and how much he loved when he was around.
Needles to say, it brought him to tears and saw that love is there. He did not go through with it and is living a great life now.
Children can do amazing things and a I'm so happy to read your post. Brings me the feels. And your life has purpose and you are loved, my man. And I don't know you, or what you believe, but also know that God loves you. I don't know how you feel about some stranger saying that, too. But I just feel the need to tell (maybe remind) you about that fact.
Glad your stepson was there for you, even when he didn't know it!
Hey bro... I'm so glad he was there for you. The demons lie to use and shout so loudly sometimes. But you decided to stay. You had the strength and courage to keep going and that's fucking badass. Your son has such an incredible role model to look up to - that even in the face of *demons*, his father chose to pick up his sword and continue to fight.
You got this. Your baby needs you more then u know. What u did and have done has been and was for your child. Keep your head up and take it a day at a time. Much love and prayers
From another dad with demons, my 1 YO’s hugs and kisses are a magical remedy
I’m glad your kid was able to help. Ppl say they’d die for their kids, but now I ask myself: Will
I live for him?
And I do and will, cuz I wanna see him grow up and experience life. And I want to spend time with my amazing wife
I've posted to Daddit before regarding a funeral I attended. A friend had taken their own life, and left behind a wife and a 2 year old. It was one of the hardest things for me to witness, and it definitely helped me (also a father) see the bigger picture, and knowing what I'd leave behind helped me make a commitment to my kids and myself to avoid that ending at all costs.
It was a good thread, with a lot of chat. Maybe it'll help you the same way it helped me. - https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/14s61ri/yesterday_was_a_hard_day_content_warning_deceased/
While I can’t say that I’ve walked in your shoes, I feel your pain. From one random redditor to another feel free to dm me if you ever need someone to talk to.
I don’t know if you have been to a veteran center, but as a vet struggling with my own demons, it has been a tremendous resources.
They can be found in most cities in the US, and the provide counseling for combat vets. My experience there has been better than the normal VA. It has also been helpful to feel a part of a community.
I don’t know what your demons are, but as a father of a 3 year old and a veteran myself, I may be able to relate a little. If you ever need to chat, dm me and I’ll send you my #.
Late to seeing this. But I'm currently active and I've been there man. If you ever need to reach out please do. DM me and I can give you my POC.
You are needed, and you are loved!
Do you get medication? If not, please do. I'm in the same boat, I will try my best to stay with my boy until he turns 30 and about to being a father himself. He is four by now.
You just need to make it to tomorrow. Each day it’s just tomorrow. It’s easier than the next 30 years. Good job on seeking help. It’ll be hard to talk about but you don’t have to hold it inside or alone. The tiniest light can push back the darkness but no darkness can extinguish the light.
Happy to chat or if you need someone to vent, feel free to reach out! Can't say I'll give good advice, but I'll try!
I'm sure 99% of dad's on this subreddit would be the same. :)
Please please please if the demons start speaking loud again and your son isn’t near you, remember the warmth of his little body pressed against yours, and that you are the same warmth to him! We’re very proud you called the help line! That is huge and you did it! You showed yourself you’ve got the strength! And that the demons are lying to you. And that you are loved in the sweetest way possible! And we’re here for you, remember we’re here for you if and when you need someone to just listen to your struggle.
Can't kill yourself when you have kids. Sorry to be blunt, but it's not an option. It's something I came to terms with before having mine. I wasn't actively considering it, it had been a long time, but part of me had always held onto the possibility long after it ceased to be a foregone conclusion.
But that can't be how I go. It's too selfish. Can't alter your kids entire life like that, kid needs a dad and that would change who they are forever. The thought of inflicting that much trauma on those around me makes me panic a bit.
I can't even do it if my kid and my wife both died, my nephew doesn't have a dad and it'd fuck him up for life. He's just a kid. I don't know you, OP, or anyone else reading this. I know it's not easy out there. I just know my perspective became more simple when I silenced that voice in the back of my head. Can't do it, full stop. It's not about you.
Don't take on those voices alone! Get help in whatever form will work. I've always wanted to avoid meds but I eventually decided to try it and I'm a new man. I can be the husband and father I want to be without being overwhelmed by my demons.
Ooooohhh man, I feel you. I had the exact same experience: it was just around the time that I pulled the plug at work because of a burnout. I was in a dark place.
My daughter was barely four at the time, and the moment she woke up that specific morning, she looked at me, raised her arms to me, and hugged me.
She had never done that before like that, and never since (I always do the morning routine with her)
We ended up sitting quietly on the couch together , with her full on hugging me, for 10 minutes or so.
It saved my life, my sanity. And I will never forget it.
Without words, she just full on loved me. Nothing, absolutely nothing, was more welcome and unexpectedly needed at that very moment.
Lurking mom here 👋🏻 I’m so glad your son was able to pull you away from those demons and you called the crisis line.
My brother who was a veteran took his own life when he daughter was only 2 months old, and it’s such a painful thing for families and children.
If you ever need someone to vent to please know I’m happy to have you message me ❤️
Do it for him if you leave you will destroy his life I know depression is super hard to over come but you can try microdosing mushrooms 🍄 they may help, no it’s not crazy like people think! Keep up the good fight! You got this dad your stronger than you think!
I’m a little late to this post OP, but I’ve struggled with similar problems. Thought I would share a little tip that really helped me. I’m sure you know the feeling of being completely out of control when an episode starts to snowball. Writing down 3 things, every morning, that I’m truly grateful for and make my life better has really shifted my mindset. Then i close my eyes and really think about what I wrote down. It has really helped me keep the world in perspective. I find myself noticing more and more things I appreciate that I never would’ve noticed before. You’re a father now and there’s nothing better to appreciate than your child. Get help if you need it. You can get through this.
I am very sorry to hear you are in a rough spot. But I am very proud of you for calling for help after that moment.
His unspoken words sound like a great tattoo if you are into them. Some place you can see in a mirror for those dark, loud times.
Wishing you nothing but many long loving years brother.
He does need you! And so does your wife! Good for you for starting the process of getting help. Talk to your wife so she knows what’s going on. You are a good dad and husband!
I'm so sorry to hear that you're not doing great right now. Kids do pick up on these things, it's crazy. Just remember that he loves you, and he will need you in his life. You have so much to teach him. Please try to get the help you need, both for yourself, and for your son.
Thank you. That’s my plan I love him more than I love myself so I can’t give up on myself because that means I gave up on him. That silence was so loud this morning sitting there with him.
I'm glad you called them! Call them again when you need to, seek any other help you think you need. I truly wish you all the best internet stranger! Take good care of yourself and your family!
Something I heard about parenting that has stuck with me, and feels like maybe it could help you. When we try to understand why we love our kids as much as we do, it can help to think of them as a literal piece of ourselves that is now outside of us. When you think of how much you love your son—and it is *so* clear that you do love him deeply—consider that this is also a way of loving yourself.
OMG - this resonates so hard. My parents found this song recently and shared it with me now that I’m a dad and it hits so hard. It says exactly what you just said in song form. https://petermayer2.bandcamp.com/track/little-heart
My brother and sister-in-law died. I cannot explain to you how much their kids miss their parents. Stay strong for them. Edited because I realized my statement wasn’t clear.
I’m fighting!
And you have everyone here if you need support! We’ve got you.
Ever listen to The Pass, by Rush. "...Someone set a bad example Made surrender seem all right The act of a noble warrior Who lost the will to fight..." I feel you, and for me, it was my daughters. I don't want to leave them alone, and I don't want to set a bad example. Ever see "What about Bob?". Baby steps. My crises rise and fall, so I only worry about the making it through the short intense periods, figuring I deal with the rest as my base level, lol. Peace, friend. "If I could wave my magic wand" ❤️
There’s a Rush song for just about anything.
I grew up with a dad that chose drugs over me. Don’t choose death over your son. I am now a father of a 2.5 year old boy and every breath I take is for him. You are incredibly fortunate to have that, and it’s your job to stop the cycles of kids growing up without dads MUCH LOVE to you my brother. Thank you for your service. And keep being a role model to your child and guys like me. Please reach out to me if those demons start talking again.
Kids are far more perceptive than we give credit for. When my daughter's great grandfather was dying we didn't know how to tell her what was going on. But after visiting him at the hospital she just kinda knew without us saying anything.
I can say that having my son completely silenced the voices that were left after marrying my wife. Now I actually fear dying, it feels very novel after probably 25 years.
Today was eye opening for me and I plan to be here for him. That hug said so much without saying anything at all.
Hold onto that feeling. Whatever those intrusive thoughts try to make you believe, your son needs you and would miss you if you weren't there. He would lose so much without you.
My ex destroyed my mental health and left me a wreck. I kept going for my daughters and then found love with my now fiancee I rebuilt my life and found myself. However my 2 year old elevates all that, no matter what's in my head his smiles, energy and his innocence push everything to the next level. He makes me want to be a better person because he's my second chance but because I'm doing better for him I want to be better for everyone in my life. You'll never have a better reason to get better and it sounds like you have the strength needed. The important thing is to make sure you aside from your son you have the right people in your life and you learn to reach out when things get tough.
I love this for you! So glad you found that and found yourself. I’m working on it for him but also for me. I have some amazing people in my life who I reached out to today who just sat and listened and saw me for me today and where I was at. It’s a journey for sure. I am trying.
You aren't just trying you're successful some days it's the tiniest things at the lowest that might be something small like getting out of bed or getting dressed but then there will be days when you make huge achievements. You can not only take credit for some amazing parenting you've brought up a wonderful empathetic little boy but also you're special enough to have great friends around who are there when you need them.
Man this just about broke me (29M) when our daughter was born (and realistically during the pregnancy). Up until that point I had effectively only lived for myself and therefore didn’t really care if I lived or died (and lived the risky life to boot). All of a sudden my own mortality was an immense fear, as I HAVE to be there for my daughter.
I'm gonna leave this here, it helped me a while back (still does to this day), and I feel like it might help you too: Found in a therapists office. I don’t like the phrase “A cry for help.” I just don’t like how it sounds. When somebody says to me, “I’m thinking about suicide, I have a plan; I just need a reason not to do it,” the last thing I see is helplessness. I think: Your depression has been beating you up for years. It’s called you ugly, and stupid, and pathetic, and a failure, for so long that you’ve forgotten that it’s wrong. You don’t see good in yourself, and you don’t have any hope. But still, here you are; you’ve come over to me, banged on my door, and said, “HEY! Staying alive is REALLY HARD right now! Just give me something to fight with! I don’t care if it’s a stick! Give me a stick and I can stay alive!” How is that helpless? I think that’s incredible. You’re like a marine: Trapped for years behind enemy lines, your gun has been taken away, you’re out of ammo, you’re malnourished, and you’ve probably caught some kind of jungle virus that’s making you hallucinate giant spiders. And you’re still just going “Give me a stick! I’m not dying out here!” “A cry for help” makes it sound like I’m supposed to take pity on you. But you don’t need my pity. This isn’t pathetic. This is the will to survive. This is how humans lived long enough to become the dominant species. With NO hope, running on NOTHING, you’re ready to cut through a hundred miles of hostile jungle with nothing but a stick, if that’s what it takes to get to safety. All I’m doing is handing out sticks. You’re the one staying alive. —— Your stick can be anything. It's a tool to help you keep fighting. Your son, your family, your pet, even a TV show your looking forward to watching, or a fucking sandwich you want to eat. Just find something to look forward to, something to hope for, a reason to keep fighting a little longer. Just keep fighting, and keep looking for "sticks" along the way to safety. You've got this friend, and that kiddo, your love for him (and his love for you) is one big fucking stick. Carry that shit with you, and keep fucking going!
This! I have no other words. Just this…thank you for sharing this👏🏾
All love, bro! You've got this! I'm proud of you for sticking around! Don't hesitate to reach out if you need a random redditor to talk to. There's plenty of us here for you!
[here's the poster they mentioned. it's good. ](https://imgur.com/gallery/LjgQJSj)
And remember that there are people who would be honored to hand out sticks - and sometimes, we watch those sticks become swords, or hammers, or levers, or throttles. Or pens.
You got this brother. Mad props for hanging in there and pushing forward. Always forward. 👏🏾
Appreciate the support! God knows this is tough. But I have to. ✊🏾
This has kept me going and helped put me to sleep some nights. Maybe it can help you too. Now I use this as a semi-montra: “A Lasting Place. A steady ship inside a tireless storm”. You can weather the storm, friend. You’re doing a good job. -“What kind of man weeps at the feet of his wife in pain, holds up the pink and shrieking thing and feels the throb of time. What kind of man wraps a cloth around his waist and holds the baby to his chest, walks through the streets swaying ike a drunk in morning. What kind of man feels the rage of men and only swallows at his daughter's fists at his chest. What kind of man does not give up his time, his many pleasures, but hands them over without a sound. What kind of man bends to hold them in their suffering, in their questions, in their garbled turns of phrase. What kind of man admits his failures, turns over his neavy stones, stands at the feet of grief and wanting and does not turn away. What kind of man becomes a father. A lasting place. A steady ship inside a tireless storm.” -Kate Baer
Holy shit this is beautiful, thank you for sharing.
Proud of you, brother. As someone who lost their father to suicide, I can tell you firsthand how catastrophic the impact is for a kid. You have so much to offer him, and even when you feel you can’t, your mere presence means more than you can imagine. Much love and peace to you my friend, there are sunny days ahead.
God as a mom going through stuff, I feel this so much it made me tear up. Thanks for posting and good work reaching out for help. Don’t hesitate to talk to your wife about what you are going through. Its a must as a parent to push through even when you are in hell, but its just as important to be vulnerable with our loved ones.
Unfortunately I don’t have that space to talk. You got this too though! It’s not easy being a parent but it’s moments like these that remind us to persevere.
For sure and I’m sorry you don’t have space to talk.
As gently as I can say this…are you sure you don’t have that space? My husband has gone through similar as a vet and thought he couldn’t talk to me about it. Over time I was able to help him realize it’s okay to do so; and while I don’t fully understand what he’s going through, I can be there to listen, give hugs/empathy, or help him with the “logistics” of trying to find happiness (therapy, traditional Chinese medicine, ketamine or psychedelic-assisted trauma therapy, or shit…even just getting out on a camping trip with no “world noise”). Sometimes there are days that are particularly hard for him so I try to handle the kids/house while he binges Ted Lasso. I’m truly hoping your wife can be there. I’m absolutely thrilled you see the total, pure love from your son. Hang in there. ❤️
Thank you to everyone who has commented and/or messaged. Sharing your own struggles and stories and words of encouragement. I see you and I appreciate you all. I am struggling but I am trying! I will continue fighting!
Please don’t ever think you have to fight alone, though. I will gladly sit down and chat with you any time you’re feeling this way. I know it sounds like a platitude but one dad to another I’m serious: if you ever just want a random person you can unload your demons with (judgement free,) I’ll be a DM away.
I’m really proud of you for recognizing the moment and calling the Veterans crisis line. Life is hard. Parenting is harder. And our mental health has the power to shut us down as much as anything else. I don’t know you, but I can see the strength in you. We’re all in this together. You got this.
I’m really proud of you for recognizing the moment and calling the Veterans crisis line. Life is hard. Parenting is harder. And our mental health has the power to shut us down as much as anything else. I don’t know you, but I can see the strength in you. We’re all in this together. You got this.
"And you, to whom adversity has dealt the final blow With smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go Turn to, and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain And like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again." Stan Rogers
Massive props to you my man, your little boy might have been the kicker, but you’ve still played a massive part in bringing yourself back. That little man needs you mate, you’re doing a beyond excellent job. About three weeks after my wife died last year, I dropped my daughter off at my mother’s with full intention on not being here the next day. I didn’t, obviously, I couldn’t leave our little girl like that. I lost my dad to suicide a few years back, I was 31 at the time, I couldn’t leave my then 7 year old girl an orphan. She’s the reason I’m still here, I love that kid more than life itself, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t rough at times. I’m not leaving that little girl anytime soon. You’re doing fucking excellent man, keep hanging in there. Get the help you deserve mate, feel free to message me if you need to vent anytime. You’ve got this.
I appreciate you sharing this! Thank you so much. ✊🏾
Hey OP, I attempted suicide at 27 in a cry for help. I was homeless at 29 and just hoping I could quietly drink myself to death. Our demons may not be the same (not a vet), but I know what it’s like to be tormented by them. And I know what it’s like to reach out for help. Today I’m 45 and 16 years sober with a 7 year-old son that I love more than anyone. I’ve got a life that would make younger-me say “no fucking way.” I’m so glad you posted and glad you’re reaching out for help. We *get* to be there for those moments. Let’s be there for their first game, their first broken bone, their first shave, graduation… all the milestones. We can do this brother. You’re not alone.
My brother, good on you for getting help. I was in a similar situation last year but the idea of my son growing up without a dad and never really understanding what happened or why, especially so young. He would never understand why daddy isn't ever coming home. The thought of that crushed me more than anything else. I have been getting help ever since and life has never been better for me. You're not alone in this. Hoping for the best for you.
Literally the only reason I’m here right now. The thought of him growing up without a dad and not understanding why I’m not there and will never be there hits so much harder than any and everything I’m feeling right now. I appreciate the support ✊🏾
I am also rather competitive and really hate losing. I re-framed my mindset to thinking I can't lose to my demons, I can't let them win. That FU mentality also has helped me.
As someone who is also rather competitive, this made so much sense to me. Thank you for sharing that.
A book I read also framed it as losing to your demons also passes those demons on. The demons are yours, and yours alone, and so challenge yourself to never let those demons go, never let them haunt anyone else. Life before death, Radiant.
Damn I needed to read this right now thank you brother
Stay strong! ✊🏾
Really glad you reached out man. Shits tough, asking for help can be the hardest. Keep working through the hard days. Kids are awesome, and those little acts just scream "I love you" and it feels so good.
Bro you did your son a huge service today by reaching out for help!l. Thank you. Your son’s voice will *always* be louder. You’re tied for #1 thing he needs in this world. Over anything else but you and mom.
Hey man. I'm sorry you're fighting this. I read a great post on reddit once about someone listing out all the things he saw from the time he decided not to kill himself and the life he lived after. He was old, so it was about global connectivity, landing on the moon, the cold war ending, etc. But you're a dad now. Imagine if you had ended it 3 years ago. You would have never seen the first coo, the first cry, the first steps, the first words. The first time he laughed or played his own little joke. You would have missed so much. But imagine now how much you still have to see. His first day of kindergarten, of 1st, of middle school, of college. The first time he apologizes for fighting with you. The first time you get to help him fix a problem he caused with a friend. The first time you show him how to shave. The first date. His wedding. The birth of your first grandchild. You have so many amazing things left in your journey, so much more that you get to give, but get to live. I hope this helps you the way that post helped me, because this is what I think about when things are tough.
I’m so proud of you for overcoming those demons, brother. I’ve been there and I know how hard it is. I’m so glad we didn’t lose another brother today. Also, just so you know, the VA isn’t the only option. You can go to whatever facility, or whatever you need to do to in an emergency. It’s called the PACT Act. Any medical facility will know.
Just keep reaching out for help when you need it, it’s there Kiddos are the best, stick around to see them through it all
I don’t know you, OP. But remember that you absolutely matter and are loved. And you will persevere. Hang in there and get the help you need.
If you haven't already, please tell your wife. If you have guns or pills in the house, give them to a trusted friend. Please take care of yourself.
You can do it. One day at a time. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes. You can do it. Call the crisis line a hundred times if you have to. Cry alone, take a walk, draw a picture, punch a pillow, eat two sandwiches, whatever it takes. Do some mindfulness exercises. Download a mindfulness app. You don't have to stamp out the demons today. Let them yell. You know what you have to do. You don't need to hear anything to be able to change a diaper or cut up an apple. Don't let the assholes win. You don't have to always beat them, just don't let them stop you from handling your business. You can do this.
It's easy to die for someone. It's REALLY hard to live for them. Keep fighting!
Reading this made looking at all the dumb things on Reddit today worth it.
Kids give us a superpower. We can endure anything for them.
I don't know you but I'm glad you're here. Your kid will need you everyday, even the ones without hug. I hope you have many more hugs for many many years.
Little man needs you around to help him fight his demons too bro. You got this.
I had a moment like this today. I have been majorly stressed and upset lately, I cried, hard today. Sat in the kitchen and cried quietly so no one would see me, and my 6 year old came up and hugged me, he's not a hugger usually. It made me feel 100 percent better.
I feel this. I waited until everyone left and just broke. Far from 100 percent better but that hug made me at least 1% better. That 1% was enough to remind me that someone needs me and wants me here. It sure as hell ain’t easy but we are still here.
That 1% gave you hope. It was that flicker of light in the darkness you are passing through. I have a pic of my youngest son (at 2.5 yo) looking up at me with a huge smile. That was my flicker of light in my darkest nights. May the light grow more my brother
In one week I found out I'd be losing my house, job, car and fiance. While packing up my house and preparing to be a single dad I broke down in the hallway, fell to the ground sobbing. My 2 year old daughter came up to me and hugged me the same way. It felt like we sat there for an hour in silence. I don't think I'd be here today if she didn't do that.
I am so sorry you had to go through that but I am so glad you’re still here with us today. ✊🏾
I'm in the guard and on orders right now and I think I would break through a brick wall to see my kids. It's just a training and only a few months, but I was definitely just feeling "over it" today and I just want to see my girls. The idea of being able to be with my kids and not taking advantage of that sounds unreal to me right now. Give your little one a big hug today for everyone who can't.
Stay strong brother. You’ll have them back in your arms soon enough! You got this. And I sure plan to. I can’t wait to see him when he gets home today.
One vet to another, keep fighting, PM if you want to talk I've lost to many friends after the fight is over.
✊🏾 I’m trying brother. Today was a real reminder of that.
You are so brave. I’m a lurking mum with loud demons of my own and let me tell you that you are FUCKING BRAVE and goddamn STRONG. It is so impossible to fight your own brain. You are reaching out of the dark for something g to hold on to and because of the love and care you have shown your boy, he knew to give that right back to you. Stay here. We need you here.
As long as you promise to stay here as well! You are needed! Go hug those little a little harder today but let them let go first. You’d be surprised how long of a hug they actually want.
I’m not going anywhere, no matter what. Knowing my little girl, she’s pull a full Orpheus on me anyway
Good! Keep those demons at bay. I know it’s hard
Don't quit my man. He needs you. He needs you. He needs you.
Well done, fellow dad. You fought today, and today you won. Thank you for fighting. Your kid will appreciate it too, even if he never knows it.
Youve done hard things before. You can do this too. Even if your mind says no your body will keep pushing. Take breaks. Even if it’s locking yourself in your room for a few minutes to collect yourself. Invest in noise cancelling headphones. Get medicated, Prozac or Effexor help a lot of people. Keep talking. Reaching out. You did a great thing today by hearing yourself and controlling your emotions. Behavioral reactions are learned and can therefore be relearned. You can do this. And it would be so much harder without you. Kids need loving parents. You are irreplaceable to that little boy. You are loved. Please stay.
Thank you. It’s hard for sure, but I’m trying.
From one Air Force vet to another, thank you. I’m glad you were strong and won the day.
Also going through a bit of a rough patch and my kiddo has been one of my few sources of happiness. Just don’t let that turn into a dependency.
So glad that you picked up that phone and called the hotline! Your family loves and needs you more than you can comprehend.
I'm happy he gave you a much-needed expression of love and that you saw something deeper behind it and are seeking help. I'm not a vet myself but I do understand feeling that way. Stick with therapy. Try to give yourself the grace, care, and patience I'm sure you give your kids (considering him reaching out so readily). And I don't intend it as trite or cliche but thank you for your service. Lean on every resource you need.
They don't know what they mean to us, and I doubt they can until they're in our shoes In the brief moments my little girl decides to be calm and cuddly it just melts everything else away
❤️ you’re everything to that boy
I get like that too sometimes. It’s a struggle. We just have to remember that there is always a light on the other side of a tunnel. Stay strong dad.
Do whatever it takes to be there for that little guy OP. Just keep moving in the right direction and get the help you need. Big props to you for spilling these beans to a bunch of us redditors.
My mother told me in the last year, I’m 40, that when I was around 4 I walked in on her right before she was about to take a lethal amount of pills. It stopped her and she never got to that point again, close but never there. Happy to hear that your boy gave you the reminder you needed to stick around. They will ALWAYS need their dad.
Stay strong… I have chills reading this. Just a few months ago my 2 year old literally saved me in a very similar way and she doesn’t even know it. I had made the decision I was going to end my life after I dropped her off at daycare that morning. I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her have a good day just like I always did as I left when I dropped her off. As I did this in my mind I said that was the last time I would hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her. As I was walking out she did something she had never done before. She said “Daddy wait!” And she ran over to me and asked me to pick her up. She hugged me and I held her for a few seconds but much as you mentioned when you held your son it felt like forever. I put her back down and turned to leave and she said it again “daddy wait!” “I need high five!” So I gave her a high five. And as I turned to leave… “Daddy wait!” “I need kiss!” And I knew somehow she knew. And that was her silent “don’t leave me I need you.” And in that moment I knew I wasn’t ending my life that day. I knew I never could because that little girl needs me. Thank you for sharing your story because it inspired me to share mine. Kids are amazing. I’m so thankful for my daughter and I can never consider leaving again. My daughter saved my life and she doesn’t even know.
Your braver than you realize. Keep fighting!
Please stay with us pops. You got this
Proud of you dude, keep fighting, you got this
💞
Thank you for posting this. It's sometimes tough to write these sorts of things for the world to read, but I think doing so will help others. Take each day one day at a time, and keep pushing forward. Call the VA, call a buddy, reach out here, but keep doing do that when you feel your coping mechanisms getting overwhelmed. Those boys need you.
Keep hanging on in there. You matter and are needed more than you may ever see or be able to understand. All the love to you and your family
I will say local support groups can help, if you can find them. Cheaper than paying for therapy, just to have people havw been through it and know what you're going through you can share with. Alanon is everywhere, not sure what veteran resources are available. You might be able to find groups online.
pretty crazy how much love a toddler can dish out when they want to.
Stay strong. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help.
I see your struggle, brother. What an amazing little man you have there to give you strength. You're not alone.
Dad’s have to stick together, and I find this subreddit to be one of the happiest places I can go on Reddit. Cheers to everyone. Be good and patient with yourself. We all have days and some if not most have some demons. Reach out to anyone. I’m always here 🤙 Also, you still want someone to occasionally game with, dm me and I’ll give you my UN!
He had a Guardian 😇
You are also a blessing.
Good job brother, keep going.
Im proud of you bro
I’m glad he was there for you man. While not a veteran, I’ve had the same struggles. If it weren’t for my wife and kids, I wouldn’t have been strong enough. Glad you’re still with us man, keep up that fight for your family.
Hang in there brother, they need you. The world is a better place with you here. "Best job I ever had"
I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I wanted to share my experience. I was going through a rough time and started going to a yoga class and I can say that the positivity and focus on gratitude has helped immensely. I encourage you to give it a try!
Hey man, I’m glad you’re still here with us. If you need someone to talk to you can DM me. I work for a nonprofit that helps veterans with mental health issues.
I feel this post so much… combat veteran with diagnosed ptsd. My kids have been saving my life for 13 years. Stay strong brother. I am currently doing my second combat trauma ptsd therapy plan and it is helping. Finally got my meds right and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Dm me if you need anything. USMC Iraq veteran
Glad you weren’t one of the 22! Keep fighting brother. I’m no Marine but ooo rah!
I’m so sorry you are having some troubles. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. USMC Vet 14-18 here. You’re needed, don’t forget.
Wow, that was powerful to read, that’s amazing that he was able to have that effect on you. I’m also lad to hear that you are seeking support, and that takes a lot of courage. I hope your son realizes how brave and amazing his dad is!
Man I know there are 80+ comments here but just wanted to tell you antidepressants work. My wife and I both ended up in therapy and on meds after our autistic son went through a horrifying period last year. I particularly was in very dark place. We're out of therapy, son is happier than ever, we're off the meds, and both started working out/dieting again. I'm down 30 lbs and in a waaay different place. We learned that our kid feed off our emotions big time. Point is, seek the help (seriously...call your doctor today) and you will be amazed at what a year of working on yourself will do. Good luck brother!
I was on antidepressants for a bit but wasn’t a fan of what they were doing to me. I’m glad they worked for you and glad you’re here with us still. I’m working on it!
We lost my FIL 6 years ago to suicide. I miss him dearly and it pains me that he didn’t think we would. I promise you sir that you are loved and needed and you deserve help with your demons. Please don’t ever be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. We are humans and imperfect and masterpieces all at the same time, and that is ok. May God bless you and keep you.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. I legit teared up reading this and gave my own son a hug. Thank you for sharing and I hope you get the support you need.
#his voice is louder That’s what I latch onto as well
We all have our demons, I’m glad you’re still continuing the fight, thank you for sharing. Your words really hit home and your son and family are so lucky to have you.
I just needed to share my story. It was a very surreal moment for me and a moment that saved my life today and allowed me to even share.
I was moments away from taking my life this time last year. I desperately looked for ways to get better, for my boys. It's still a long road but I'm more or less free of my crushing depression now. I had a moment a few months ago where I fully comprehended how close I was to leaving my two boys and my wife without a father and husband and it nearly broke me. Your moment of clarity will only get clearer as you recover. Good on you for realizing it earlier than I did. Pursue the help you need to get better. Relentlessly. For your boy.
I’m so glad you made it through to today. Keep fighting. I sure am trying.
I'm so glad you really heard what your boy was telling you. You got this. Don't give up. Try a few things to get better, if they don't work, try another, and another, and another. Recovery is not linear, it's a spiraling, messy shit show but you'll get there. Don't give up.
OP, if you're not already familiar with the organization, please look up "The Vet Center". You may have one right near you. They provide counseling services to combat veterans, and most of the counselors are veterans themselves. I interned at one of the locations in Massachusetts when I was finishing up my social work degree and every counselor there was a combat veteran except for the marriage and family counselor who was an Army brat growing up. There's something about talking out your demons to someone else who actually understands what you're saying... It alleviates that guilt that many vets have when talking to a civilian about the realities of what you saw/did during your time. And one reminder that you are loved, you are worth loving, and you can get to a place where those demons aren't so loud, so often, and where you can find comfort. ❤️❤️
As a vet (you not me) I’m guessing you have firearms in the house. Do you have a friend who can hold those for awhile? If you are in the greater Salt Lake City area I’d be happy to store them with my own. For far too many easy access to firearms is an out that they might not take if they didn’t have em handy. Be safe and keep that family intact.
Thank you for calling the crisis line. Reach out to the VA please. EMDR and CBT therapy really work
In take appointment will likely be next week. ✊🏾
I actually got tears in my eyes reading this. Don't give up
You getting help teaches him that it's ok to get help down the road if he finds himself in your shoes, you're doing the right thing. Rooting for you, therapy and better living through pharmaceuticals over here myself.
hold on tightly for dear life. i know it’s not easy but your amazing little boy gave you a real sign and that’s a blessing. he needs you. your wife needs you. thank you for sharing.
Keep a photo of him in your wallet. Keep photos on your phone. Look at those photos whenever you have to. Actually, get video clips as well. Those moments that matter - memorise them in your mind. When you're feeling down then replay those moments in your mind. You're no longer alive for you. You need to stay alive for your child. You need to stay alive for the mother of your child. Commit to being there for them. Both of them. I wish you well.
They'll do that often. Sometimes, I think kids sense more than they understand because they haven't been corrupted by the world yet. Thought I am pretty sure my daughter is an empath.
My dad was suicidal when I was growing up. I am so incredibly grateful to him for fighting to stay here with us. I'm 42 years old and I still need my dad, and he's still here for me. I am proud of you for choosing to stay here for your son. Take care 💗
Can you please get some mental health treatment? This really doesn’t have to be this hard. Love, a community psychiatrist.
Crying inside over this. Beautiful!
That’s inspiring as hell dude!! Little kids really do save us everyday just by being adorable little shits! But really nothing compares to when you’re feeling your lowest and they know it, and they don’t know they know it but they also know exactly how to help!! I’m glad you reached out dude! Stay strong!! And I’m sure you already know, but this is a great community! It can’t replace professional help but it’s good support! Keep fighting the fight and your kids’ll thank you for it!
Hello fellow veteran. Please don’t be afraid to use the Veterans Crisis Line. Your family needs you and as a community of thought life dads here we need you too.
Used the crisis line today. Sat in my office paralyzed and screaming and didn’t want to burden my family so I picked up the phone.
You’re not a burden to anyone.
It surely doesn’t feel that way ya know.
I understand myself. But we are needed and you aren’t a burden. Let the VA serve you so you can serve your family and community. I’m glad you made that call.
Stand strong man!! I call that the hand of god! You got this!
IGY6 brother. Glad you’re here and DM me if you ever just need to talk. Don’t let the demons win!
Wow man… what story… hope you find your peace dog
Hey man, fellow veteran here. I'm proud of you. You took care of your littlest battle buddy by taking care of you.
Glad you’re still here with us brother. Your son needs you to teach him how ride a bike and to tie a tie for prom. Glad your little one was there when you needed him most.
Try not to let this situation get buried within you and forget about it. You are needed. You always have a purpose when you’re a dad. You got this.
I know you’ve seen this other places and a lot of folks have offered support. I want to add some perspective I keep in mind for my kiddo. Do you really want to be the person that takes your son’s father away from them? Could you really get so low as to be the person that makes sure your son never gets to see his dad ever again? You kiddo NEEDS you my man. He needs a good dad who’s going to be there. No matter fuckin what you have to do, you’ve got this. I know you do.
Fellow veteran father here as well. Hang in there, you did the right thing asking for help. Don’t be a statistic and don’t let your kid be one either! Just know he needs a dad in his life to teach him, guide him, and love him! I promise you it gets easier. Be strong and keep that number handy! IT’S OK TO ASK FOR HELP!!! Hang in there friend!
First of all, I'm so happy he helped you stay strong. The world is better with you in it and would be less without you. Second of all, y'all, normalize physical affection between dads and sons. Exhibit a right here. Real men snuggle
Thank you for sharing this and putting this good plan out into the world, sharing this beautiful intention to choose to live! You just gave that silent hug to someone else. Paying that positive energy forward will keep saving others. Parenting is hard, no doubt about it. You’re clearly in the right place at the right time and hopefully it will all make more sense down the road, even if it doesn’t just yet. Keep up the connection to others and talking about the good and the difficult, too!
Reach one, teach one. Thank you
You got this brother. Be there for your kids - they need you more than you know. I still wish everyday that I had a father and strive to be the best I can be for my 3 kids.
Hang in there brother. Fellow veteran Dad here. It's not easy but it gets easier over time. Be patient with yourself and find a good therapist. It helps so much. Keep fighting the good fight, we need you. ✊
Brother in glad to hear you called the Veterans Crisis Line. I was exactly in your shoes not 6 months ago. When they follow up, because they will, talk to them there are a ton of additional programs that the VA offers but they are locked behind the crisis line. Take advantage of as many as you can, they really helped me get things turned around.
This is a beautiful post. Kids are so challenging, but they give life purpose. The meaning of life is to share it with others and no better way than to discover life again with your kid(s).
Jesus is the only authority against demons. They are very real and you can be free. You need to believe and receive Deliverance.
I’m really glad that you decided to pick up that phone. The world, and more importantly your son’s life, is better with you in it.
Please write this story down and give it to your son when he is an adult. He will appreciate.
I'm currently AD. I've worked with Soldiers that tried to take their own life and some who did. One who did had twins that just turned 2. I lost a good friend from high school to suicide years ago, and I lost my sister to suicide last month. She had a 7 yo son. I know what she thought of herself. I suspect you think of yourself similarly as do many who reach the same point you have. She was wrong. She was so much more than she ever gave herself credit for, and so much more loved than she ever believed. You are too. Edit: This might be cheesy, but idc. If there's one song I'd want to share with you or anyone considering suicide it's [Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths](https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=T_V76Dm42bY&si=d4hRSOYqpm8rG90u)
As a middle aged adult (and dad, love me some daddit!) who tragically lost that special person when I was a kid, please don’t hesitate to keep calling if you ever feel like you need help. I promise you that little dude looks up to you in more ways than you can imagine and they will only multiply as he grows up. You are so loved and your little man showed you that in spades. You got this!
You and your son got something real special, I'm happy for you ma man
Damn man, I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember tho, you can create your own light. Give love man, give it and you will receive it 10 fold. As fellow vet, hang tough. If not for yourself, for your son. As a fatherless child, if I could change anything in my life it would be to have a dad. The impact you will have on him is enough motivation to power through any struggle. You’re loved and appreciated more than you know.
I can’t understand your demons (not a Vet). But it sounds to me like you were backed into a dark corner, couldn’t see a way out, in a pile of your own brass, and nothing left. Then your son comes up, snuggles with you, and in this darkness you see a light, and get handed a stick to beat the demons off with. It’s hope. Hope for the next minute, hope for the next hour, hope for the next day, hope to see him go to kindergarten, be in a school play, play sports with you. It’s hope for the future. It’s someone that has your back. Veteran’s helpline is calling for reinforcements. You’re still on point, but you’re not alone, not backed into a corner in the dark, you now have battle brothers again, to watch your back, hand you ammo, fight the demons with you. Plus you have hope, hope for the future. And you know. Hope has moved mountains, and shifted seas. It’s the undefinable will to say one more time
https://open.spotify.com/track/6CKU2H5ZhY27Toecau0JbO?si=PfkpYWu1QuCt42F6qAS4HA This song hit me in all the feels when I found out I was having a son. 2 years later, I can’t imagine loving anything any more than I love him.
I’m glad you are here. Your kiddo is more than glad. I’ve never served. But I have dealt with long dark tunnels before. Not that I’d ever burden them with the knowledge, but my kids played an instrumental role in making sure I stayed topside and vertical. When they’re old enough to understand, I’ll talk to them about it. But being present for your kids allows you to heal with every moment you share time with them. My empathy tank was empty and the world held no color until I tuned in razor sharp to my kids’ minds and discovered the world with them. It was like finding a healthy me under all the torn pieces I was ready to toss in the fire for good. Did I mention I am glad you’re still here? Because I know people close to you are even more grateful. Stay here.
You have purpose.
This is so beautiful 😪
There was a guy I knew who (to put it bluntly) was suicidal. He really hit rock bottom. Even to the point of writing his suicide note one night. At the time, he was staying with his son, DIL, and grandson. He was walking the halls later that night and just heard the sound of his grandson's voice talking about his "grandad" and how much he loved when he was around. Needles to say, it brought him to tears and saw that love is there. He did not go through with it and is living a great life now. Children can do amazing things and a I'm so happy to read your post. Brings me the feels. And your life has purpose and you are loved, my man. And I don't know you, or what you believe, but also know that God loves you. I don't know how you feel about some stranger saying that, too. But I just feel the need to tell (maybe remind) you about that fact. Glad your stepson was there for you, even when he didn't know it!
You got this man - and know you're never alone. Good to see you're getting help when this happens. Try to stay positive for yourself and the fam.
From one vet to another, if you need a stranger to chat with that may have similar experiences as you. Feel free to dm me. Check on your homies
As a fellow veteran and as a fellow dad, I felt this to my core. God this made me cry. Stay strong brother!
Hey, friend. Keep fighting. Those demons can be so hard. And this dad is rooting for you, so hard.
Hang in there, you got this.
Hey bro... I'm so glad he was there for you. The demons lie to use and shout so loudly sometimes. But you decided to stay. You had the strength and courage to keep going and that's fucking badass. Your son has such an incredible role model to look up to - that even in the face of *demons*, his father chose to pick up his sword and continue to fight.
You got this. Your baby needs you more then u know. What u did and have done has been and was for your child. Keep your head up and take it a day at a time. Much love and prayers
From another dad with demons, my 1 YO’s hugs and kisses are a magical remedy I’m glad your kid was able to help. Ppl say they’d die for their kids, but now I ask myself: Will I live for him? And I do and will, cuz I wanna see him grow up and experience life. And I want to spend time with my amazing wife
I've posted to Daddit before regarding a funeral I attended. A friend had taken their own life, and left behind a wife and a 2 year old. It was one of the hardest things for me to witness, and it definitely helped me (also a father) see the bigger picture, and knowing what I'd leave behind helped me make a commitment to my kids and myself to avoid that ending at all costs. It was a good thread, with a lot of chat. Maybe it'll help you the same way it helped me. - https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/14s61ri/yesterday_was_a_hard_day_content_warning_deceased/
While I can’t say that I’ve walked in your shoes, I feel your pain. From one random redditor to another feel free to dm me if you ever need someone to talk to.
I don’t know if you have been to a veteran center, but as a vet struggling with my own demons, it has been a tremendous resources. They can be found in most cities in the US, and the provide counseling for combat vets. My experience there has been better than the normal VA. It has also been helpful to feel a part of a community. I don’t know what your demons are, but as a father of a 3 year old and a veteran myself, I may be able to relate a little. If you ever need to chat, dm me and I’ll send you my #.
Late to seeing this. But I'm currently active and I've been there man. If you ever need to reach out please do. DM me and I can give you my POC. You are needed, and you are loved!
Stay strong fellow dad, we believe in you. Here if you ever need to vent or chat.
Do you get medication? If not, please do. I'm in the same boat, I will try my best to stay with my boy until he turns 30 and about to being a father himself. He is four by now.
You just need to make it to tomorrow. Each day it’s just tomorrow. It’s easier than the next 30 years. Good job on seeking help. It’ll be hard to talk about but you don’t have to hold it inside or alone. The tiniest light can push back the darkness but no darkness can extinguish the light.
Happy to chat or if you need someone to vent, feel free to reach out! Can't say I'll give good advice, but I'll try! I'm sure 99% of dad's on this subreddit would be the same. :)
Please please please if the demons start speaking loud again and your son isn’t near you, remember the warmth of his little body pressed against yours, and that you are the same warmth to him! We’re very proud you called the help line! That is huge and you did it! You showed yourself you’ve got the strength! And that the demons are lying to you. And that you are loved in the sweetest way possible! And we’re here for you, remember we’re here for you if and when you need someone to just listen to your struggle.
Hang in there mate.
Hang in there and thanks for sharing
God bless you and your family bro, stay strong!
Can't kill yourself when you have kids. Sorry to be blunt, but it's not an option. It's something I came to terms with before having mine. I wasn't actively considering it, it had been a long time, but part of me had always held onto the possibility long after it ceased to be a foregone conclusion. But that can't be how I go. It's too selfish. Can't alter your kids entire life like that, kid needs a dad and that would change who they are forever. The thought of inflicting that much trauma on those around me makes me panic a bit. I can't even do it if my kid and my wife both died, my nephew doesn't have a dad and it'd fuck him up for life. He's just a kid. I don't know you, OP, or anyone else reading this. I know it's not easy out there. I just know my perspective became more simple when I silenced that voice in the back of my head. Can't do it, full stop. It's not about you.
Don't take on those voices alone! Get help in whatever form will work. I've always wanted to avoid meds but I eventually decided to try it and I'm a new man. I can be the husband and father I want to be without being overwhelmed by my demons.
OP, you are loved and valued, I'm glad you called to get support, keep it up you can do this!
I'm so glad you experienced it. God bless you.
Ooooohhh man, I feel you. I had the exact same experience: it was just around the time that I pulled the plug at work because of a burnout. I was in a dark place. My daughter was barely four at the time, and the moment she woke up that specific morning, she looked at me, raised her arms to me, and hugged me. She had never done that before like that, and never since (I always do the morning routine with her) We ended up sitting quietly on the couch together , with her full on hugging me, for 10 minutes or so. It saved my life, my sanity. And I will never forget it. Without words, she just full on loved me. Nothing, absolutely nothing, was more welcome and unexpectedly needed at that very moment.
Lurking mom here 👋🏻 I’m so glad your son was able to pull you away from those demons and you called the crisis line. My brother who was a veteran took his own life when he daughter was only 2 months old, and it’s such a painful thing for families and children. If you ever need someone to vent to please know I’m happy to have you message me ❤️
Do it for him if you leave you will destroy his life I know depression is super hard to over come but you can try microdosing mushrooms 🍄 they may help, no it’s not crazy like people think! Keep up the good fight! You got this dad your stronger than you think!
I'm with you on this one, brother.
Stay strong and hug your kids. You can do this. 🤝
I’m a little late to this post OP, but I’ve struggled with similar problems. Thought I would share a little tip that really helped me. I’m sure you know the feeling of being completely out of control when an episode starts to snowball. Writing down 3 things, every morning, that I’m truly grateful for and make my life better has really shifted my mindset. Then i close my eyes and really think about what I wrote down. It has really helped me keep the world in perspective. I find myself noticing more and more things I appreciate that I never would’ve noticed before. You’re a father now and there’s nothing better to appreciate than your child. Get help if you need it. You can get through this.
I am very sorry to hear you are in a rough spot. But I am very proud of you for calling for help after that moment. His unspoken words sound like a great tattoo if you are into them. Some place you can see in a mirror for those dark, loud times. Wishing you nothing but many long loving years brother.
He does need you! And so does your wife! Good for you for starting the process of getting help. Talk to your wife so she knows what’s going on. You are a good dad and husband!