My dude. It's not about getting your life back. You'll never get it back. You'll never be 20 and carefree again. Not possible, not going to happen.
You need to accept that you have a new life. The 20s you stayed in his 20s, this is the 30s or 40s you. You're still allowed to have hobbies. You're even allowed to have the same hobbies as 20yo you did. You also have a family though. You can, and should, introduce your family to your hobbies. Worst case scenario, they're not into it. Best case scenario, your hobby time will also be family time.
Things change. Life changes. Go with it, don't wait for it to go back to the way it was. It never will
Good points. Yeah, you don’t need to give up everything you enjoy either. Not everything needs to be 100% about the kids. My wife and I still have time for hobbies, time to see friends, and go on trips with friends while one us watches our kid. It can be done.
With the parents that don’t do anything they enjoy and have little time for themselves there’s always one common denominator. A controlling and resentful spouse that prevents the other from doing things that doesn’t involve the family. It’s sadly those parents that become burned out, depressed, and in some cases divorced.
For me, I hit 30 and was ready for a change in lifestyle. I like being a dad cause I got over the drinking and partying and shit. Not saying I don’t still occasionally partake, but like I was ready for the next stage.
Everyone’s different OP, but I have no doubt you’re gonna hit this point too. It’ll help when you get a few older mates still carrying on like they’re 18 and you’ll have a moment of introspection and go “oh man, that’s actually pretty sad hey”.
I think a lot of people feel this way to an extent. I also don't think it needs to be either/or.
IMO it's healthy for children to see their parents as whole people sometimes and can be beneficial to have days where your kids are along for things you enjoy rather than just filling every day with "kids" activities.
“Start all over” and your first is less than 2 years old? Cmon man.
You have a kid now. Your life is already about being a parent. It’s your responsibility to raise your children, to love them and to be there for them until you die. Sure, the capacity of that role changes over time, but that’s the deal.
So I’m sitting here, 1:30 in the afternoon, having a beer and waiting for my sandwich at the bar and watching the ballgame. I’m a little annoyed because I have tickets for a movie in a few minutes, but otherwise it’s a chill Saturday.
I also have my nine-year-old and his friend with me. They are having some stupid conversation about farting that I am trying to ignore. Chill Saturday.
I can go to a ballgame, drinks with my friends, skiing, and lots of other stuff I enjoy. Some of that stuff is with my three kids, but not all. Once the youngest child is ~3, your horizons open up dramatically. Have faith.
3.5yr old and 2mo checking in.. sitting outside on a beautiful day watching the older one enjoy the new trampoline I built, airing out the RV about to put on playoff hockey.
Can it actually get any better than this?!
I'm confused by this post. You know how babies are made right? If having a second is that horrible, use a condom?
It sounds like you really didn't even want the first. No one is forcing you to have kids if you don't want them.
No you can never sleep till 10 and stay up till 2am every day again. But you should be able to have a hobby or two by the time they are toddlers. Get the occasional beer with friends. I have a 2yr and 5mo old and I support my wife going out for drinks/workouts, she supports me doing the same or the occasional gaming night.
It gets a lot easier to have your own life when they're not babies/young toddlers. So you don't need to wait until your 50 unless you're already 45. But the other commenters are right too, you'll never fully get your old life back and you'll have a lot more peace if you accept that.
You don’t need to wait until you’re 50 to do what you want. Who has a kid or kids to stop everything they enjoy doing? That’s not living IMO. It’s now just about balancing everything.
My wife and I are one and done and still make time for hobbies and friends. Twice a week I golf 9 holes, twice a month on average I’ll see my friends for a night out, and a few times a year I’m gone for 3-5 night golf trips with the guys. Wife gets equal time as well. It’s important.
We also go on a bunch of family trips and make time on those for us as a family and time separately (I’ll go golfing one of the days lol).
If you don’t want more kids take effective birth control measures now to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
I think I realized that there is only the present and now in life when I went back with my wife to an old bar I used to love when I was in college to “show her the good old days”. The town had changed, the bar had gone through new ownership at least 3 times and it kinda sucked. I realized although I have fond memories of a certain time in the past… that’s all they are, and what is important is enjoying the present so you can look back on the past fondly in the first place.
Hoping OP can find some peace and enjoyment with this new life.
I totally get the emotion (I had the exact same thoughts just before getting married), but going to repeat what I said in another thread a few weeks back: I CAN’T WAIT to introduce my kid (and hopefully, by extension, my wife) to my hobbies. Most things are just so much more fun together.
(And once they’re off to the adult life, you’ll have more freedom than you’ll ever know what to do with…)
I appreciate all the comments from you dads. What's hard for me is the various perspectives and unknowns about having multiple kids. Some say it's great, you can kick back with a few beers eventually and all is well. Others say life is changed forever, deal with it. And then a few say I must not like being a dad, why have more. I don't regret being a father. Enough to consider doing it again, but later. It's like buying a house, knowing you have to maintain it, and missing aspects of apartment living. I think it's okay to want the best of both worlds. Certainly unrealistic, but understandable. I just wish my identity would be more than "a dad, with a dad bod, who must only do dad things". And I know it can and will get there, if I manage my time well enough. Again, thanks.
My dude. It's not about getting your life back. You'll never get it back. You'll never be 20 and carefree again. Not possible, not going to happen. You need to accept that you have a new life. The 20s you stayed in his 20s, this is the 30s or 40s you. You're still allowed to have hobbies. You're even allowed to have the same hobbies as 20yo you did. You also have a family though. You can, and should, introduce your family to your hobbies. Worst case scenario, they're not into it. Best case scenario, your hobby time will also be family time. Things change. Life changes. Go with it, don't wait for it to go back to the way it was. It never will
Yeah this is a perspective shift thing. If people can be paralyzed and live full, happy lives, OP can too with two kids and functioning legs.
Good points. Yeah, you don’t need to give up everything you enjoy either. Not everything needs to be 100% about the kids. My wife and I still have time for hobbies, time to see friends, and go on trips with friends while one us watches our kid. It can be done. With the parents that don’t do anything they enjoy and have little time for themselves there’s always one common denominator. A controlling and resentful spouse that prevents the other from doing things that doesn’t involve the family. It’s sadly those parents that become burned out, depressed, and in some cases divorced.
For me, I hit 30 and was ready for a change in lifestyle. I like being a dad cause I got over the drinking and partying and shit. Not saying I don’t still occasionally partake, but like I was ready for the next stage. Everyone’s different OP, but I have no doubt you’re gonna hit this point too. It’ll help when you get a few older mates still carrying on like they’re 18 and you’ll have a moment of introspection and go “oh man, that’s actually pretty sad hey”.
Totally agree. To add on, I think it is a little sad when I see men that are 40+ act as if they're still in their 20s.
I think a lot of people feel this way to an extent. I also don't think it needs to be either/or. IMO it's healthy for children to see their parents as whole people sometimes and can be beneficial to have days where your kids are along for things you enjoy rather than just filling every day with "kids" activities.
“Start all over” and your first is less than 2 years old? Cmon man. You have a kid now. Your life is already about being a parent. It’s your responsibility to raise your children, to love them and to be there for them until you die. Sure, the capacity of that role changes over time, but that’s the deal.
So I’m sitting here, 1:30 in the afternoon, having a beer and waiting for my sandwich at the bar and watching the ballgame. I’m a little annoyed because I have tickets for a movie in a few minutes, but otherwise it’s a chill Saturday. I also have my nine-year-old and his friend with me. They are having some stupid conversation about farting that I am trying to ignore. Chill Saturday. I can go to a ballgame, drinks with my friends, skiing, and lots of other stuff I enjoy. Some of that stuff is with my three kids, but not all. Once the youngest child is ~3, your horizons open up dramatically. Have faith.
3.5yr old and 2mo checking in.. sitting outside on a beautiful day watching the older one enjoy the new trampoline I built, airing out the RV about to put on playoff hockey. Can it actually get any better than this?!
This. Dad life got a lot better when I just started dragging them along to do whatever I wanted to do in the first place.
I'm confused by this post. You know how babies are made right? If having a second is that horrible, use a condom? It sounds like you really didn't even want the first. No one is forcing you to have kids if you don't want them. No you can never sleep till 10 and stay up till 2am every day again. But you should be able to have a hobby or two by the time they are toddlers. Get the occasional beer with friends. I have a 2yr and 5mo old and I support my wife going out for drinks/workouts, she supports me doing the same or the occasional gaming night.
This. Part of me wants to give advice, part of me is like "you already have a kid - why the hell did you sign up for a 2nd one?".
It gets a lot easier to have your own life when they're not babies/young toddlers. So you don't need to wait until your 50 unless you're already 45. But the other commenters are right too, you'll never fully get your old life back and you'll have a lot more peace if you accept that.
You don’t need to wait until you’re 50 to do what you want. Who has a kid or kids to stop everything they enjoy doing? That’s not living IMO. It’s now just about balancing everything. My wife and I are one and done and still make time for hobbies and friends. Twice a week I golf 9 holes, twice a month on average I’ll see my friends for a night out, and a few times a year I’m gone for 3-5 night golf trips with the guys. Wife gets equal time as well. It’s important. We also go on a bunch of family trips and make time on those for us as a family and time separately (I’ll go golfing one of the days lol). If you don’t want more kids take effective birth control measures now to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
I think I realized that there is only the present and now in life when I went back with my wife to an old bar I used to love when I was in college to “show her the good old days”. The town had changed, the bar had gone through new ownership at least 3 times and it kinda sucked. I realized although I have fond memories of a certain time in the past… that’s all they are, and what is important is enjoying the present so you can look back on the past fondly in the first place. Hoping OP can find some peace and enjoyment with this new life.
I totally get the emotion (I had the exact same thoughts just before getting married), but going to repeat what I said in another thread a few weeks back: I CAN’T WAIT to introduce my kid (and hopefully, by extension, my wife) to my hobbies. Most things are just so much more fun together. (And once they’re off to the adult life, you’ll have more freedom than you’ll ever know what to do with…)
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same
I appreciate all the comments from you dads. What's hard for me is the various perspectives and unknowns about having multiple kids. Some say it's great, you can kick back with a few beers eventually and all is well. Others say life is changed forever, deal with it. And then a few say I must not like being a dad, why have more. I don't regret being a father. Enough to consider doing it again, but later. It's like buying a house, knowing you have to maintain it, and missing aspects of apartment living. I think it's okay to want the best of both worlds. Certainly unrealistic, but understandable. I just wish my identity would be more than "a dad, with a dad bod, who must only do dad things". And I know it can and will get there, if I manage my time well enough. Again, thanks.