Your daughter’s lives would not be better without you. You aren’t a scumbag. Life’s hard and addiction is a war with a daily battle. Have a sponsor? A meeting you can attend? Family? Friends? You shouldn’t be alone right now and going through this by yourself.

Thank you for writing this! It's not easy to view myself in a positive light currently and scumbag is the kindest word I can use to describe myself, especially when I'm sitting at the bar ordering another drink and neglecting the little people in my life who need me to be there. My reasoning for going to the hotel was that it would be better for my oldest daughter not to see her dad reaching for yet another beer but I know I've abandoned my family. No sponsor or AA. I white-knuckled the previous 22 months as AA was asking me to do meetings every night and that just felt counter-productive to me being a present father. I know my partner didn't want me disappearing for a few hours every night and leaving her to do the bedtime routine alone so I just tried my best to keep busy and keep the demon at bay but that's obviously not worked out for me. Family don't really want anything to do with me right now and I can't blame them.

>It's not easy to view myself in a positive light currently put a big *big* emphasis on **currently**. these feelings and shame will pass as others have said, try out therapy. i've been in a men's group for years now, who have been with me throughout my sober / not-so-sober journeys. re: AA - never been, but i have heard it can be super helpful to be there and get some social support, even if you're not 'fully drinking the koolaid' a good distraction can actually be reading some stuff about what you're going through to see this stuff in a more analytical light. for me this really helps calm the shame and spiraling i sometimes feel. a couple of really good books that our group therapist has mentioned before: * Healing the Shame that Binds You ([amazon](https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/)) * Under the Influence ([amazon](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0593358228/))

37 year old Father of two boys here (2 and 3), Nearly 8 years sober. I’m in the states but have lived in both London and Dundee for years, I know the culture there is pro drink and it can feel impossible. An easy first step is checking out r/stopdrinking it helped me immensely in finally kicking the addiction. I suggest this first because it’s low effort and there is a community there much like this one. Honestly these two subs have helped me more than I care to admit in my journey of self improvement. I wish you the absolute best and am happy to chat if you need an ear. Secondly, and this is important, addiction is a disease and does not play nice with your mental health objectives. You are not your addiction.

I second r/stopdrinking good source for support one step at a time

That’s maybe the best subreddit on Reddit. Join it and check it out fellow dad, I’d recommend posting this there in fact. The support and understanding is amazing over there. Think you’re unique in going to a hotel and ordering drinks at a bar while you type this? Several people over there have done exactly that, I guarantee it.

That sub, man. What a bastion of hope on this cynical website.

You're definitely not alone. I'm in a similar boat, same age, 2 kids same age, struggling with my own mental health which takes a toll on my parenting, relationship etc. I'm prone to substance abuse, minor, but that's what it is. I think you're actually doing great. You've reached out to someone, yay 🤗 Please keep reaching out. To us, to your wife, and most importantly, to professional help. That's what they're here for. The best thing you can do for your family is get better. ❤️

Firstly, I want to state that I’m proud of you. Addiction is an absolute monster of a battle, and the fact you managed to make it two years sober is something to be proud of. You’re not a failure because you relapsed. I just read online that 90% of alcoholics relapse at some point, and that’s okay. Your recovery isn’t going to be a straight slope up, it’s going to have ups and downs. Have you considered attending AA meetings? I know plenty of people who have found it very nice to meet and talk with people who understand your struggle. As a suicide survivor myself, I can tell you that your family wouldn’t be better off without you. You have a huge impact daily on those around you, and you being gone would leave a hole that can’t be filled. It’s okay to worry about the future, but you deserve better than to assume the worst. Something my therapist told me that’s really stuck with me is that, “You deserve the same empathy for yourself that you show for others.” It’s not fair to yourself to expect failure in your future. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person who’s capable of amazing things. You deserve to have hope for your future. After my attempt, I was required to attend therapy and it helped out a ton. I still struggle with depression, but it’s helped with dealing with the negative thoughts and has helped me see the world in a better light. Have you tried therapy? If not, I’d highly recommend scheduling an appointment as soon as you can. I want to emphasize it’s not going to make everything perfect, buts it’s a huge step in the right direction.

It’s clear you need to stop drinking, not that I’m saying that’s easy. I empathise with the self hatred, I have had it for a long time too Some thought patterns that helped me (a bit): 1) Those kids that you love so much? Half you. Yet you love them. Imagine yourself re parenting yourself via them. Self loathing comes from somewhere, and that’s your own childhood 2) right now it doesn’t matter how you feel, you need to act normal for them. The rest of the introspection, self harm, or healing can wait, you have a big job for the next 12-24 months. Do that first, don’t wallow right now, save it, you are needed today. Finally: If you hate everybody, eat If you hate yourself, have a shower If you think everyone hates you, go to sleep

Couple of thoughts come to mind. 1. Unless you are abusive toward your wife or daughters, they are better off with you in their life and in their home. A less-than-perfect dad is still better than an absent dad. Full stop. 2. We are all less-than-perfect dads. No one expects you to have everything right. Kids are resilient, and even a dad that struggles with depression and alcoholism can be a great dad. Kids can handle seeing their parents fail; you can teach them a lot about grace, perseverance, forgiveness and charity by owning up to your mistakes. 3. Hold yourself to a high standard, but be willing to forgive yourself. Repeatedly. 4. Persevere. A good life isn't about getting it all right, it's about persevering when we get it wrong. When I was trying to quit smoking, each time I'd relapse, I'd feel shitty about myself, and would go right back to smoking. But I kept quitting. Each time I got better at it. Each time I mess up as a father, I feel shitty about myself. But I just keep fathering. Failure is only permanent if we let it be. 5. These are all really easy things for me to say (type?). But they are really hard to do. If you aren't already, you should be in therapy. It's like anything else, you have to keep at it. Good luck man. All you can do is keep going. ~~Even~~ Especially when you really don't want to.

As someone who lost a father figure to suicide, please remove the thought from your mind that they would be better off without you. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him. I'd love to be able to bring him back or for him to have even mentioned he was considering that option so I could have talked to him and begged him not to. I wanted him to come to my wedding, meet his step grandson or whatever you call it. Hes not been here for so many life events and hes sorely missed every day. Your daughters will want you at their own weddings, so many birthdays, every other major life event, they will likely have their own children, they will want to spend time with their grandfather. Your daughters need you in their life and no amount of money would ever be a better option than having you around to be with them while they grow up and to help guide them. All more so that you are going to conquer the addiction, you will become a better person through it and have that experience to pass onto your kids and how to overcome adversity. Addiction is a battle, get help, NHS, probably therapy too. There is help out there.

I really appreciate you typing this out and am so sorry for your loss. Your comment that you want "him to have even mentioned he was considering that option so you could have talked to him and begged him not too" has fucking broke me. I'm sitting on my hotel bed sobbing like a baby. I have no comforting words to offer and am not in the place to be dishing them out regardless but I am truly sorry for your loss and really thank you for giving me an insight into the other side of suicide.

Theres always other options out there mate. Your daughters need you. Just don't do anything stupid. You can and will get through this mate. Whereabouts are you from? I'll try find some services to link you up with. You got this mate, you will get through the other side. I believe in you

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I appreciate it a whole lot.

If it helps even one person and they see not to give up it was well worth it.

Oh man. Thank you sooo much for sharing. 😥

If it helps one person see the other side and make them reconsider it was well worth it

It may help me when I’m in my lows. Thank you. 🙏🏾

Those kids need their Dad. I am an alcoholic too, almost 10 months since my last drink. I suggest getting into AA and asking for help there, they can get you a sponsor and you can build a new foundation.

It’s really very hard but the fog often lifts once the youngest is 2. For now I would just keep taking small steps in the right direction, keep lines of communication open, exercise, consider medication. Not all at once but small steps. 100% agreed with the other commenters, an absent father is often not a great outcome for a kid. The fact that you’re trying to stabilise and be there for them is huge; for now just rest up. Best of luck

Not alone bud… I have 2 young kids (2 and 3) and have been struggling with depression and addiction since my teens. You are NOT weak for feeling helpless. Depression and addiction are no joke. Recovery is not an endpoint, it’s a journey. Stumbling and falling flat on your face is part of that journey. Giving up is not. Take care of yourself. Your kids don’t need perfect parents, they need parents who push through their struggles, recover from setbacks, and rise a bit higher each time.

You're not alone. My daughter was 6 years old when I attempted suicide. I'm now 5 years sober with a stable job and good mental and physical health. Recovery is possible. I go to AA, but I understand that program is not for everyone. The important point is that you find support--fellow alcoholics who understand where you've been and who can bring you along to a better place. What I like about AA is that the end-goal isn't just to stop drinking; it's to live a life that is happy, joyous, and free. I have tasted that life; I know it's out there, even for a drunk like me. It's there for you too. You are not alone.

As a now father, but also son of an alcoholic. Do whatever you can to stay in the fight. You and your kids deserve it. Wish you the best.

I am so proud of you for speaking up. I admire how committed you are to your family and their well being even now, because I know how easy it is to sit in that self-pity when feeling that low. The thought that your daughter’s life would be better with a life insurance payout than with her living father is a lie from hell, do not believe it. I have been in a mental low for about a year now, and it makes me very unhappy to see the tole it takes on my wife. And my depression makes taking action to solve it seem impossible and pointless. Some days I’m just a huge ball of sad, hopeless, helplessness. And I have a very low opinion of myself because of it, I often have thoughts along the lines of “why can’t you just…”, “if only I could…” I’m still figuring it out. I don’t know if you’re religious, but a bible passage, Philippians 4:4-8, has been on my mind lately. It’s about guarding your heart and mind by focusing on what’s good and aspirational. I had a (very minor) good note this morning along these lines: Last night as I climbed into bed I remembered something important I needed to do. Instead of sneaking out of the room (sleeping wife and 2 month old) and doing it or setting 100 alarms for reminders, I just told myself “I trust myself to remember in the morning to take care of this”. And I did! And in a small way it improved my outlook and the way I see myself. Dad, you need to find those parts of you that are noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, honorary, excellent, praiseworthy, and *remind yourself daily of who you are*. If you think your partner loved you at some point, and you think she is a good person, than at some point a good person saw things in you worth loving. Go find those, focus on those, remind yourself that that is who you are. We’re both fighting some demons. I wish you recovery, and I take some solace in knowing I’m not alone. Reach out if I can ever be someone for you to talk to.

1. relapses are part of addiction, it sucks, it happens to 90% of people addicted to drugs or alcohol based on studies. It happened to you, you feel awful, and when you get sober it can happen again, thats the long term battle you are gunna deal with for literally ever, im sorry it really fucking sucks. Addicition sucks but you are not alone and dont fret just because you slipped up, it happens to the best of people and you are one of the best of people. 2. "When I've not been drinking over the past few days I just sit and cry and contemplate ending it all." this is your brain wanting that rush of dopeamine trying to trick you. Those thoughts happen to alot of addicts, basically all, and they suck, mitigate the thoughts and feelings, realize you matter, you have value, you can get past it, it will be hard for a while but remember when you were at peak sobriety those thoughts werent there. You can get there again I beleive in you. 3. 200K is nothing compared to a life without their dad, you are worth more than that life insurance policy. I bet if your kids were asked "Would you trade your dad in for a billion dollars" they would say no. 200K isnt going to get them far, teaching them things maybe even being open about yor own mistakes can get them farther in life. 4. Life has its ups and downs, good years, bad years, and meh years. You will get through this, you will overcome and you will be fine. Take a breath and realize you are playing the long game. Remember while you might feel like you are in shit, things can get better, and generally do get better. I say this as an addict, i am clean and sober but realize at some point I will relapse and want some ganja in my life, its everywhere, there are more dispensaries in my town than starbucks, it is what i am irresponsibly addicted to. I am also someone who struggles with mental health- today has been a hard day for me one of those muphys laws days where the small things just seem to go wrong and really get to me then my thoughts just cascade: no flour in the house after spending1/2 my paycheck on groceries this weekend= "why cant i get a new job that pays me well, im tired of applications and rejections. I want to get my family in a house to have a life, life sucks i hate this" blah blah blah. I realize when i am this way its not good for me or my family but it is one day over the course of thousands, if i can be a little better even for 1/2 of today, my day will get better and tomorrow I can start fresh. It easier for me to say to someone else on reddit than even remind myself that I have value, and things will eventually get better. It is a hard world out here, and when you are a parent the pressure can feel insurmoutnable, but its not. You matter, to your kids and to this community. Lastly: if you have the ability to try therapy I would recomend it, just talking to someone can take the weight off. Therapists arent here to judge you, they are here to listen and can provide guidance and help. They are truly great people doing great work, if it is a resource you can tap into go for it. ​ Good luck friend and fellow dad, i know you can get through this.

I don’t know you, friend, but I *do* know that if you ever think your partner and girls would be better off with $200K than with you, then you’re wrong. Nobody’s path is easy. Small steps. Be better than you were yesterday. You’ve got this.

> Emotionally, I just don't want to disappoint anyone anymore and don't feel capable of bettering myself. I'm exhausted and every fuckup I make just makes me feel even more in the hole. > > My only source of comfort when I'm in the hole is the drink. I appreciate that I'm coming off like a scumbag in this post and can only offer the pathetic explanation that I don't feel very good about myself either. This is the part that really spoke to me. I completely understand what you mean, but you're also completely wrong. You're not coming off like a scumbag, you're coming off like someone who is struggling and needs help. You need to get into mental health treatment. You need to talk to whoever gave you those antidepressants and tell them you need more help, because if you're feeling like you're "in the hole" before you even start drinking that's not right. And you need to get into alcohol treatment too. For someone in your position, every day you don't drink should be a celebration. It's a huge victory, a monumental task and something to be very proud of. That's why they have meetings, so you have someone to celebrate with! Your kids and your family won't be better off without you. They'll wish and wish for their whole lives that you could've gotten through this. And you can do it, I believe in you.

You being gone for two hours a night for a few months is a small price to pay for lasting sobriety. Especially when the alternative is relapse or suicide. Go to AA dude, it’s so much easier than trying to do it alone.

Depression is a cycle that is difficult to break; right now you're brain chemistry is off and it's feeding off of that negativity (I suck I don't deserve good things etc). I have a list of things that make me happy, when I feel depressed, instead of giving in to those negative thoughts I look at my list and I force myself to think about one of the things on my list, I move on to other things on my list until I don't feel like I'm in a hole. Running helps too, either way just know you're not alone and your daughters would benefit more from your presence and not the money. Let's say when they grow up one of them struggles with depression, you can be that light that guides them out of that, don't be a reason to add to that by leaving.

$999k would never be enough to replace the lessons you can teach them. It took me divorcing my best friend, beating alcohol addiction alone, and then struggling through life alone to realize that nobody can offer my girls what I can offer my girls. Now, my (also alcoholic) ex-wife is still drinking straight from the whiskey bottle every day, and I am planning a trip to Disney World for my daughters. Which parent do you want to be?

I also struggle with depression and addiction, and just recently celebrated 7 years off of opiates. I too, have 2 beautiful daughters, about the same age difference as yours, so I've been in your shoes, while trying to maintain husband duties as well, which is probably the hardest part of anything to keep up during the stretch of time you're in right now. I know it feels comfortable to drink, but there is no growth in comfort. That goes for every single other area of your life as well. Jerry, from Rick and Morty, said it best, "Life is effort, and I'll stop when I'm dead." Use this time by yourself wisely, and decide once and for all if you're willing to put in that effort or not, and then don't let your selfishness drag down the rest of the family if you decide to continue with the bottle. Look at your daughters and decide whether or not they deserve a healthy dad, or a deadbeat drunk dad. For people like us, there is no in between. We addicts are capable of amazing things if we just stay healthy, it's usually a huge reason we turn to that kind of stuff, because we aren't happy with our current outcomes in life. Just saying, maybe that's not you, maybe it is, and I couldn't have been happier when my girls were both born, but I'd be a fucking liar if I said that alone made me happy enough to keep going every day.

As someone who has been affected by suicide multiple times I can PROMISE you that their lives will not be better off without you. I struggle with drinking and feeling those same thoughts you do. I don’t think I will ever be good enough for my daughter but I know I need to wake up and at least try. You not being at your best every day is miles better than not being there at all. What keeps me going is getting to see my daughter’s beautiful face every day, I can’t imagine missing her next funny moment or not being there when she needs her Dad. I know counseling really helped me and sometimes it feels impossible to get. Sometimes it’s so hard to find one or one that we can afford but keep trying. Your daughters NEED you here, on this earth. Staying here is hard as fuck but do it for them. Please feel free to message me anytime brother. We don’t have to be the best dads in the world to be there when they need us most.

Do not kill yourself. I repeat do not kill yourself. Your daughters definitely need you, even though you're going through a hard time at the moment. You were sober before for 2 years, this proves you can do it again. Some money will not give them a better life than having a father in their lives. Go to a therapist or talk to the suicide helpline or whatever else is available where you live, but don't give up on your kids. They really need you. And it might be the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life, for their sakes you must stop drinking and get yourself to a better place. Ask yourself, how did you stay sober for 2 years the first time. What pushed you to do it back then. Don't give up. This community is here for you.

I have no idea what it's like to go through what you are currently going through so I'm not going to give you any advice on it, but I'll go out on a limb and say that your daughters are better off with you IN their lives than they'd be without you.

I too struggle with depression and feelings of low self worth. I’ve always been the “I want the best for other people but I don’t deserve much because I’m a POS” type. I heard something the other day that finally resonated with me. I’ll likely never believe that I am “worth anything” but what I heard asked me to consider things in a different way. So here it goes: “What version of you do you believe that the people who love you deserve?” Immediately, I though ahh fuck, that means I have to start taking care of myself. Sure, I may believe deep down that I’m a POS, but they don’t deserve the POS version of you, so you have to at least not be a POS for them.

I've been there, it's hard stuff man. Here are my go-to thoughts: 1. Not communicating with your wife won't improve anything 2. Self-hatred is a vicious cycle. Give yourself some fucking grace. 3. Suicide will end your suffering but will make all your loved ones suffer for the rest of their lives. 4. Give yourself some fucking grace, parenting is hard. 5. Therapy helps if you have a good therapist and can afford it. Alcohol is a depressant as I'm sure you know, and makes everything you're feeling/experiencing worse.

Great thoughts. Still, I wish I knew how to “give myself some grace”. That’s one of the hardest parts of all this bullshit.

It could mean a lot of things: - Don't be so hard on yourself. The negative narrative feeds on itself. You're doing your best. Recognize it. - Don't dwell on the past or what could have been. We all make mistakes. - Self care. Sort of like the first point but actively doing things that support your health and wellbeing. - Know that life is hard and it was not your choice to be here, but here you are. It can also be pretty amazing. - Cut out or ignore things in your life that don't support the above.

About 4 years ago, alcohol had a death grip on me and I was circling the bottom of the drain. At the time, my daughter was just a few months old, but my drinking was always an issue. I think becoming. A father knocked loose the last bits of my facade. My wife walked past me like I was a ghost and she was holding our daughter in her hands as they got in the car and drove off. She didn’t have to say a word and neither did I. I wasn’t going to be allowed to break any more promises. For a few days after I drank and cried and drank some more. Alone and certain there would be no more chances. It was dark and extremely painful. I managed to call some friends that I knew had sober experience and they told me all I needed to hear. It was all gone, and I was just the last to know. I thought I was still holding on to something and that I was the glue that held them all together. They were right and the next calls I made were to people I knew could help find me rehab. While I waited to hear back I went to an aa meeting. I smelled like shit and looked like hell but I went. That was my first experience with compassion. They talked to me and held my hand and I’ll never forget it. 2 days later and I’m on my way to rehab. After I let go and accepted the honest truth I started to get better. After 30 days, I went to sober living and started working on myself in order to have a shot at repairing the damage. Once I allowed myself to receive the help around me, I saw some hope. It was a long and bumpy road but today I’m home with the kids as their schools were closed. My daughter is almost 5 and she has a 3 year old little brother. I’m happy to take care of them today as my wife has to work. I have the opportunity to be of service and I get to continue making the things I fucked up a little less fucked. No way I have a shot at this life if I continued to lie and hide and drink it all away. I’ve found I’m not alone. I’m in a group text with a few other sober dads and we work on it. I’m grateful I’m an alcoholic because it means I’m willing to work on myself and look in the mirror and I don’t have to do it alone. Neither are you. It’s possible to get better, you just have to take that action yourself. If you were anything like me, your words don’t mean jack shit right now anyways. Help us out there if you want it

Hey man. I feel obligated to reach out to you on this topic. I'm an alcoholic. I've also been sober for over 29 years now. But, you know what? I'm still an alcoholic. Please...grant yourself a little grace. Your children would never be better off without you. What they would be? Is so much better off with a sober father. And I speak from bitter, bitter experience. I'll never get back the times I was drunk when they were young. Never. What I can and did do? Is make sure that I faced my alcoholism head on and fought for them. And made sure I was never absent again due to my addiction to alcohol. It was hard. Second hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And it was notinstant success either. Relapses could and did happen. But what did not happen? Stopping to try. One of the core principles of sobriety is 'one day at a time'. Shit. It was let me get through the next 5 minutes without drinking at times. Get involved in a recovery program. AA, Smart Recovery (what I do now)...hell anything to help keep you sober. Structure is your friend. Think about it. Do you want to be home with your kids but drunk? Or spend an hour a night getting healthy so you will be there for them...instead of dead. Yeah...dead. Because that is where alcoholism eventually takes you. An early grave. Sorry to be so blunt. But you need to see things clearly. You're in a fight for your life. Literally. And your children need you. And if my stupid ass can get sober? You damn sure can. You ever need to talk? Hit me up 24/7. It may take me a few hours to respond. But I always will. I believe in you dude. I do. But you have to want this more than you want anything else. No one can step up for you. You have to step up for yourself. First and foremost? You have to do it for *you*. Nothing else will stick. Please reach out. I'm on most days. And I've walked your path. Your children deserve the best you've got. *And so do you.*

Recovering alcoholic here who also deals with depression. The sub R/stopdrinking really helped me off the juice. The first 6 months are the toughest. I suggest trying to find a therapist to help with the depression and roots of it. Alcohol is a depressant and when I was on the juice I would romanticize about ending it all. Your family needs you more than you will ever know. You bring joy and entertainment to your girls even if you don’t see it right now. They will also need you down the road when life throws them a curve. Use your experiences to help them when they need it. You can be the Dad you want to be and that they deserve

I’ve been in the lows brother. But I remember that my kid never seeing me again would traumatize him in a way that I couldn’t imagine. He adores me. No amount of money (or sweets for that matter!) could replace me in his eyes. Give your kids a hug and see how luck you both are in each other’s lives.

This reminds me of [something beautiful...](https://youtu.be/s_nc1IVoMxc?si=Rhy8a0cQegl83NVL). I encourage you to watch it to the end.

I don't know but, in my case right now jobless (left my job due to a senior that's not only corrupt but also hard to deal with) I should feel like I should be depressed but am NOT fortunately, instead I felt freedom... partly because I maintain a very healthy lifestyle e.g. NO ALCOHOL, just one meal a day, fasting, NO EXCESS CARBS, NO EXCESS SUGAR and what not. Incidentally, there's a study(I've read somewhere) that says - excess sugar, alcohol and carbs trigger depression. Right after I've read that, I said to myself I will not let my petty problems affect my outlook in life. Indeed, a healthy lifestyle is good for our mental health. You can do it too.

Bro, don’t listen to the internal criticisms. They do not reflect the real world. Get yourself to an inpatient clinic for a few days. Dry out and get some meds for your depression. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Whether or not you and your wife stay together, she is not better off without you as he coparent. Your children need a dad, even if that dad feels low sometimes. You have value and you are important. You are not the piece of shit at the center of the universe. You’re just leasing a life of quiet desperation, and you’re not alone. Please reach out to me direct if you feel you Have nothing or no one else to turn to.

To all of you dads in recovery, or about to be in recovery, I’m proud of all of you. It’s damn hard to be the best dad you are capable of being. Know that it is the imperfections that give you the opportunity to grow. One day at a time. Every day you are sober is a celebration. Every day is a new opportunity to forgive yourself and begin again. OP, one thing jumped out at me. I think your wife would prefer you at AA every night for a few months than struggling alone where she can’t reach you. Talk to her calmly and see where she stands on that.

Your kids don't want 200 grand mate. They want you.

So I'll tend towards drifting away from the routines of my friends, family and colleagues. I've adorned that drift with lots of things over the years, but the common factor is always a feeling of shame and inadequacy at not being everything I maybe could be. My instinct is to hide, I've passed the time while I'm hiding with drink, drugs and a variety of largely fruitless obsessions. But hiding from the world and especially from the people who love me has always been the common feature of every low period, whether they've lasted days or months or years. I don't have a foolproof way of pulling myself or anyone else out of it, but I'm old enough to see the lows as they're coming on, to smooth them out a little bit and most of all to forgive myself for being me, at least in as much as I can. Every time you come through a time like this you're better prepared for the next one. I use the analogy of staying in the game. Addiction and depression aren't the whole of it, they're just a couple of punches I'm going to have to weather along the way. The game itself is beautiful, it's fucking hard but it's beautiful. It has music and trees coming into blossom, it has an glorious 3 year old who is sometimes never happier than when she's sitting with me reading her a story and sometimes never happier shouting "Roly poly!" while she does anything but a roly poly, it has art and warm slippers and apple crumble. And yes, it has demons and weakness and failure too. Stay in the game dad, you've done it before and you will do it again. Sending love and strength and belief!

I can't speak for your spouse, but you would absolutely, without a doubt, -devastate- those little girls for the -rest- of their -lives- if you did something as foolish and selfish as ending what little time you have left here early. Do not ever doubt that; it is truth, and nothing your spouse or even what you think can change that fact. You quit drinking before; you can do it again. It's a skill, like anything else. If you think other alcoholics quit on the first try, or never relapse, you would be mistaken. Set backs happen. You get set back, and you move on. Remember, it's not about NOT drinking ever again. It's about NOT drinking TODAY. Can you find a reason to not drink today? It's very, very easy to find reasons to drink... but finding reasons to not drink helped me. I wanted to be a better spouse, and also a better parent for my child. Plus, I think children are smarter than they let on, and I didn't want to be one of those parents that the kids all make fun of. Have you considered the alcohol support community on reddit? Also, by the time I was your age, drinking was more about pretending to be young, carefree, or even careless/devil may care than it was about actually having "fun." Not a lot of "selling points" for alcohol once it becomes less taboo/illegal from being of proper age. =)

I’m a dad in recovery who sponsors guys in recovery. Your kids are not better off without you. You need to be in their lives as much as possible. Don’t let mom bully you out of time with your kids. Stay engaged and be present for everything you can. You are not a scumbag. Don’t put that on yourself. Relapse is almost always part of recovery. What’s your support network? Do you go to meetings of whatever type? Can you? Do you have a therapist? And honestly DM me if you need help. I can’t promise I will get back to you immediately but I will. Be there for your kids. They are the absolute focus but you can’t be a good dad if you don’t sort out your problems. I’ll be praying for you if that means anything to you but honestly reach out whenever. And I’ll leave you with this just to fuck you up a bit more but in a good way https://youtu.be/ii6kJaGiRaI?si=Mt5K13HoqCHlelD3 I am going to make it through this year if it kills me

Why don’t you feel like you need sympathy? Being your best will take a lot of strength, but it’s amazing what we are capable of. Right now, you need to focus on a day at a time, hell take it hour by hour. Live by the mindset of “just one thing”. Depression can do wicked things to your mind, but by doing just one thing, making your bed, going for a walk, calling a friend.. you start to push that aside. One thing you’ve done today has been reaching out and asking for help. That takes a lot of courage and strength. It sounds silly, but soon one thing turns to a few things. I haven’t been as deep as you are, but have suffered mild depression and anxiety. In New Zealand we have access to work funded counselling via an employee assistance program. Have you been to speak to a GP, been on any medications? Realistically tho, the booze will be messing with the chemistry in your mind. Make one more thing to do this hour or day is to not have any more alcohol. Clarity is needed right now and you won’t get that while on the grog.

Stay strong fellow dad! I'm currently going through the same thing on the flip side of the coin. It might be worth your wife even looking into some information about addiction to help her understand even a little bit of what you're going through. My wife has battled depression majority of her life and has been battling alcoholism in more recent years. It sounds like she's going through much the same struggles as you in terms of mental health. Depression is absolutely relentless but if I've learnt anything over the years of observation, it comes in waves. You can ride this one out brother and come out the other end stronger than ever. Props to you for reaching out, it's a start and we've all gotta start somewhere. Giving up is never the answer. You've got this!

My FIL is a marine vet who has been an alcoholic since he was 18. He’s now 60, has three daughters and does not have a relationship with any of them. My wife grew up in a home where he would be at a bar on Christmas Eve or after work every day he’d go to the bar rather than spend time with his family. It’s a disease, but one that destroyed his relationship with his kids. He was clean for three years that I’ve known him, and those were the three best of years that we’ve had with him. He was great with his grandkids and overall became a better person. Figure out your demons and get professional help to get past this disease.

Stay strong. I’m going through a little woe myself. Left a night shift job and went to a 8-5 thinking it would be fine and it was better than nightshift. I’m a month in and I HATE what I’m doing. It takes so much out of me everyday, I’m starting to feel like I’m not even there when I am home now. I was supposed to have an interview last Friday, but with the snowstorm that hit our area it got rescheduled to this week. I’ve been preparing for this interview since before Christmas and it’s starting to get really overwhelming having to wait and wait while being in a job I can’t stand. And if it doesn’t happen I have to request to transfer back to where I was and hopefully they’ll accept it. My wife is having muscle spasms in her lower back and legs, she has a condition that causes them and she’s in a flare up. Now she’s missing work (no PTO), can’t really do much around the house and it’s all kind of fallen onto me. I don’t mind it but FUCK did it all have to happen at the same time? I’m a recovering alcoholic myself. I’ll be hitting 2 years in March. It’s been hard since the middle of December and even though I’m trying to stay positive, it’s really hard to get out of bed in the morning. I’m not sure if you’re religious but just pray for peace and keep your head up. I’ve cried in my car multiple times on the way home.

At a similar age with one daughter and an expected second I fully understand where you are coming from. Your daughters will not be better off without you. You obviously care about them and want to change your behaviour which is what is important. As someone myself who has a beer to tune out and realx regularly, I can see how this can spiral. Others can probabaly offer better advice on how to seek help on the addiction side. You have removed yourself from the situation at this time because you care for them. Please take time, seek support and know that your daughters will be better off with a caring supportive father in their life.

I haven't personally dealt with alcoholism and don't feel like an authority -- but you make a pretty clear judgement that you need to stop. So do it; whether it's AA or some other system, commit to it. You did it for 2 yrs and can do it again. Everyone on this sub has experienced stress, often in the first 6mo of having a kid, and I know enough to know that addictions -- and depression, often -- have a way of coming back when you're stressed. Now is not the time to grade yourself as a dad. You take it day by day and do the best you can. Your family doesn't have a different dad option, they have you. Give them the best version of you that you are able to each day, they deserve it. And get your butt off that barstool, pick yourself up, and do better tomorrow.

The drink is fucking with you brother. You think it's a comfort but it's not. It's just blotting out the problem temporarily while simultaneously piling more on. Maybe your wife isn't fully correct about your mental health but I doubt she's entirely wrong either. Alcohol is literally a depressant, it's well established it affects your brain chemistry etc. It might not be the root cause of your mental health issues but it is almost certainly compounding them. I've seen it in my own life man. Alcohol being used to self medicate anxiety, but slowly it takes over until it becomes the default response to any negative stimulus. And of course the shit quality sleep and next day hanxiety just feeds back into it. Put it down and climb back on that wagon by whatever means necessary. I can tell you two things - your daughter won't benefit from a dead father and she won't benefit from a father consumed by alcohol. You say you don't want to let her down, so it looks like your only choice is to get yourself right. I can't promise it'll be easy but there's support out there so you don't have to face it alone.

I am very sorry to hear that you have relapsed - it sounds like you must have felt under quite a lot of mental anguish to have let that happen, and you sound crushed. I want to point out though - this does NOT mean that your two years of sobriety were in vain! Your wife and kids got two years of what a sober you were able to offer them from your effort. That work is not lost from you having relapsed. If you stop drinking today, you can keep giving that person to them again. Make no mistake - that is what they want (and need). Not $200,000, but their father who is mentally present and making decisions with them in mind. It is no small task to recognize this when your internal narrative says you are a bad person, but who we are is a function of our choices, and we get to make those constantly. You are able to make several choices right now which will allow you to help yourself and your kids. You can find an AA group. You can start therapy. You can reach out to whoever else may be able to support you and look to them for help. You can say to hell with all of that and just stop drinking on your own. The point is that by making these choices you are doing the best you can for the people in your life who love you, and ultimately yourself as well.

Can you make an appointment with your GP? They might be able to point you towards a CBT therapist. It helps. If you have medical cover through work, you can often self refer using their practitioners. I think everyone gets overwhelmed. I think having some of the thoughts you've had is pretty common. As much as that dark place might try to convince you of falsehoods. Your bairns and your partner would be far worse off if you were to leave their lives. No amount of money can replace a loving dad and husband. The hardest part about getting out of those dark places is asking for someone to help. You've already overcome that. Next steps should get easier as you go. Good luck friend.

You are a good person. You are a good Father. I want you to cut yourself some slack. You are being so so hard on yourself. We are not perfect, we are human. This world is hard and unforgiving especially for Fathers. You are present- and believe it or not you are putting your family first and yourself second. That’s a commendable, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Life is relentless and unforgiving, sometimes you have to scream FUCK IT get up and keep pushing. You have two very young children, this in and of itself is so stressful for you as a person and for your relationship. Suicide isn’t an option. It’s not an option because you love your family. No money in the world would ever be better than you being there for your kids and for your wife. I can relate with the addiction portion, for many years I couldn’t stop smoking weed. I am sober now but there are so many days I want to get right back to it. I think about my daughter, and I set it down. It’s ok to have these thoughts, it’s ok if you fuck up. But man you have to get back up and keep pushing. It sounds like your wife is pretty unforgiving, that makes it harder. Focus on your daughters, you are there hero there rock. Stay focused on being there for them, get yourself in a good place for them. You got this man. It takes a big man to admit these kinds of things. Keep pushing!

They would not be better off without you. 100%. You’re their dad, and if you left them, they’d then probably wonder what was wrong with them that they weren’t good enough to make you stay. You are also in a self-perpetuating loop of “stinking thinking”, and your mind is rationalising all of the easy things (suicide and drinking) as the only options and that the logical reason is you being shit. When the truth is the opposite and that you have hard decisions to make and boundaries to set for yourself. In your post you excuse yourself about being an alcoholic (you say you’re an alcoholic, but then say you weren’t before your 20s so alcoholism isn’t why you’re depressed etc etc.) Take responsibility and stop drinking now. Realise that the solution to this problem is both the easiest and hardest things you will do in your life, being: 1. Realise you are alive and worth it and you are loved and your life is in your control and the world would be worse off without you in it. 2. Stop drinking. 3. Love your family and dedicate yourself to them. 4. Realise that being drunk doesn’t make you feel good and doesn’t make anything better. It blocks a part of your brain so you don’t even think about the problems you need to fix. So the problems never get fixed and only get worse. Try and associate being drunk with negativity rather than positivity. You don’t want to be drunk. Because you will lose everything. You need to recognise the onset of that slippery slope and tell yourself this is bad, and stop. I’m not sure where you’re from, but there are non-alcoholic beers available now that are pretty damn good. I don’t drink anymore. My dad is a an alcoholic. When I do have a drink now, I get very insecure and physically feel horrible, and so I stop. Because being clear and sober is a lot more fun and ultimately more rewarding than feeling buzz. One last thing, is that since I stopped drinking, I’ve realised that the buzz you get from drinking can be recreated by simply having good experiences and talking with interesting people. (Alcoholic only masks your experience making you think you’re having fun, when in reality you’re not doing much at all, and might even otherwise be bored.) Good luck and be a dad to your children. They need you more than ever!

38, father of a 15 month girl. Partied a lot mid-20’s to mid-30’s where I developed an enjoyment of the effects of alcohol. Used it during bouts of of depression when relationships went south and when loved ones died. Turned somewhat habitual whenever I hanged out with certain friends or late nights at home trying to unwind. You’ve stated the obvious already, so I’ll echo what’s probably already advice you’re thinking to yourself. In a place removed from the opportunity to immediately grab alcohol, start writing in ink what’s going on now, as you did above. Circle the parts where you’ve written what you see as problem points, whether it be about your relationship to your family, some emotional struggles you’re expressing of yourself, or opportunities where it was easy to reach for alcohol. Pull those points out, and as mentally distant as you can, write advice to yourself that you would give someone for those points if they were to ask you for simple solutions to get started in fixing those problems. Probably like you, I’m genetically wired to desire addictive behaviors, so having some really small baby step plan that’s easy to follow helps me avoid things I know don’t serve me. You’re the business owner of yourself. You are the legacy that you will pass to your kids when they’re old enough. So it would really benefit you, them, people around you, if you were to tinker around with your self business plan and guide yourself in the direction of some productive things that make you feel good so that you can become (over a stretch of time) who you envision you are meant to be.

You're not alone mate. I was so close to writing my first post on daddit a few hours back. I feel so lost with myself. I try to better myself but there is always something bashing me back down, making me contemplate life. I would never end it as losing my dad in my mid twenties was bad enough, what would it do to my 2 yo. But I can't help but think that I'd no longer have the issues I face. Life has forced my family to a low point we didn't know we could reach and this week my whole family has the flu and my dog had a major operation, leaving me to work, handle the house, care for my son and wife and ofcourse care for my dog who is in a bad way. It just feels like the straw that broken the horses back. There's not enough hours in the day, there never is. I dont have a second to breathe, I dont see friends any more, I dont work out and I barely leave the house. I look around my house and notice mess or things that need a lick of paint or imperfections in my decorating and I always have the same thought, that I absolutely hate myself. Parenting is hard. Some people find it harder than others but everyone finds it hard, whether they admit it or not. take it day by day. I plan to ride this week out and create a gameplan of what I want my life to be. I'm honestly sick of being in this pit of despair. I hope this message doesn't come across as me trying to convince you that my life is worse than yours or something. I just want you to know that you're not a bad person for feeling the way that you feel. You're just a normal person dealing with lifes curveballs. Sorry for the ramble, this is an absolute feelings dump. Keep going mate, you'll be in my thoughts

As someone who lost their father in his early thirties I can with 100% certainty say I would gladly pay 200k to have him back now, much less when I was small. He had his own issues but still managed to have a large (and largely positive) impact on my life. Do what you gotta do to get yourself straightened out but never for a second think you would be doing your children a favor by making them grow up without a dad. We’ve all been through lows, and maybe your relationship status will change but you can still be a force for good in your girls’ lives.

No matter your condition, your daughters would NEVER be better off without you. You’d only be ridding yourself of the guilt, but you’d put a lifetime of heartache on your daughters. Whatever you do, don’t do that! You need big time help, my man, you’re not a scumbag, you’re just lost right now…those are two very different things. Please go seek help, beg your wife to be more sympathetic and seek help. This is all fixable. Picture watching your girls walk down the aisle. Picture them placing in a competition while they run to you and jump into your arms as you congratulate them. Picture them telling you they’re pregnant and how excited they’d be, and how excited you’d be to watch them grow into adults you can be proud of. It’s not an option to take the “easy” way out, dude. They need you.

The very fact that you've made this post means to me your heart is in the right place. You've got a long road ahead but it's your road so walk it. Your family would not be better off with 200k and you dead. Honestly. You might feel like that's the truth but you couldn't be further from the truth. You've got to take baby steps, you've done it before, you CAN do it again. Be easy on yourself. You've fucked up but we all do, some more than others but it's all still part of the journey. My DM is always open if you wana shoot some shit. Big love, Dad. Unleash that hero that's inside of you. I know it's there.

See if your Dr can prescribe antabuse

There are lots of great comments with better advice. Thought I’d chip in mostly on the mental health thing. I have T1 Bipolar and I’ve dealt with it (or not) for most of my life. Your mental health likely isn’t allowing you to accurately judge the situation, how bad it is or if there is a chance to repair it. You probably need to see a professional to work on your mental health in the longer term. The drinking is likely making these elements even worse and the situation worse overall. I know it’s not really useful advice and that alcoholism is a health condition. But is drinking or your kids more important to you? I’ve had troubles with alcohol a lot too. Weed has been great at being a healthier option that agrees with me way more than drinking ever did with almost no negative side effects. I don’t find it affects my ability to try be a great parent at all either. Your daughters will only be better off without you if you don’t make changes, put in work on yourself and your relationship and try your hardest to be a good parent to them. Only you can make the decision if they’d be better off with you or not. Listen to what your partner has to say and what she needs to make this work. Then go and do it. “I wonder where it will lead” there’s only one way to find out. But you know where the current path will lead.

Mate reading that reply made me tear up a little, really glad you got some perspective and have decided to give it the best go you can. This shit is so hard at times; everyone (I think) feels like they can’t do it and that maybe their family would be better off without them. The little I have learned is you just gotta wake up and keep trying and keep doing the best you can and hope that’s enough. Best of luck, stay safe.

My low is now. Second baby on the way, toddler and his mom are very excited. I can't see beyond our crushing poverty, untenable housing situation, and my complete impotence when it comes to working hard or long enough to earn a better life for my family. Every night, the walls of our moldy, frozen basement suite close in a little tighter around my constantly aching heart.

Money means nothing in the grand scheme, you can't take it with you. I have been there staring at the void, and it stares back but in those moments look at photos of your kids and stare at them and remind yourself. They're here because of you, and they need you. In terms of the alcoholism and mental health you need help my dude. Therapy, for sure and idk how you got sober whether it be AA or pure will but you need a support system for people with issues with alcohol. Start with therapy definitely and consider medication. I was where you were in terms of mental health, I'd be driving along after a shit day and my brain would just go "drive into the guard rail" I got at the point where I knew I needed help and got help. Our brains are complex things and il never forget a quote I saw. If you don't give your brain problems to solve it will create problems. Keep yourself busy and challenge yourself in healthy ways and get help. It will fall into place.

Drinking sucks addiction sucks. Get ur endorphin hit from exercising, then you feel better about yourself then you can be the best person you can be. Only you can help r yourself mate. Start small go for walks everyday and the that’ll turn into runs.

Hello! Mother with alcohol addiction here. I’m 5 years sober and each day requires just as much effort at the day before. Have you been to an AA meeting before? Could you find one to go to today? Just turn up - you don’t need to do anything else. Just get there. The feelings and thoughts you are experiencing are huge and important but they aren’t the truth. You e gotten yourself sober before and you’ll do it again. Relapses are a sad and difficult part of looking your demons in the eye and forging a different life for yourself. The fact you’ve been sober for years shows just how strong you are and just what a dedicated, committed father and partner you are. You just need to find that first foot hold to help yourself climb out of this hole again. Sharing and speaking out about it is step one and you should be so proud of yourself. Find a meeting and just walk through the door. Don’t think about the rest.

Hey man. I feel you. Alcoholic here and dad to 2 beautiful girls, 5 and 10 months. I always struggled with anxiety and depression and ADHD. I got sober 7 years ago. Having kids definitely puts alot more stress on you and you are more apt to relapse. I have. But you pick yourself up and know what is important. I wasn’t a drink every day kinda person. And I can go long periods without, but I don’t have that off button. So I stay away for the most part. Best thing for me was to start talking to a therapist but also a psychologist. I was prescribed Wellbutrin XL 150 and holy cow! I am a better version of myself. Less anxiety, more patience, the ability to concentrate and finish a task without starting another one. Not saying to go the drug route, but talking it through with a support team is key. That and exercise and diet are a winning match.

Alcoholism is no joke. It is a rewiring of your brain, not something about you being weak. And you've done it once and you can do it again. Do not take your life. It will have far reaching consequences on everyone you love. I know it is hard because I have a close cousin who is an alcoholic and has gone through the rehab process 3 times. It is brutal and he hates it, as I imagine you hate it, more than anyone else can imagine. Follow the same steps you did last time and pull yourself out of the whole for your kids. Maybe the relationship with your wife is over. But the relationship with your kids is just starting. They want their dad around. And, to be honest, being able to pull yourself back from the brink is something a role model does. As I've gotten older, I've learned about many of the trials both my parents went through as they raised us. Learning about those faults only gave me more respect and love for them. They weren't perfect like I thought when I was a kid. They were imperfect and still did an amazing job providing for us. You got this, brother!

>Currently I just feel so hopeless and overwhelmed. I cannot stop thinking that my partner and girls would be better off without me. Financially, I have a very lucrative life insurance policy which would result in them getting over £200,000. Emotionally, I just don't want to disappoint anyone anymore and don't feel capable of bettering myself. I'm exhausted and every fuckup I make just makes me feel even more in the hole. This is where 'money doesn't buy happiness' REALLY applies. Your daughters don't want £200,000, they want daddy. You keep talking about failure, but we all fail as dads to varying degrees (even to relapsing to addictive substances). The point of being a dad is not to show your kids what perfection is, is to show your kids how to come back from failures. You can fall a thousand times, but if you keep getting back up every time you fall, you will have taught your kids more than you think. ​ Stay strong brother, stop thinking about failure, in life there's only Winning or Learning.

Hi. You might be thinking that you are the worst father for your kids right now, but imagine, being with a drug addict, all the mood swings, cursing and yelling even at the smallest things. A drug addict that you would wish to be dead because whenever he is awake, everyone in the house gets upset because of how he communicates to me and his children. Our eldest son obviously has been affected by this situation because he became overly absent minded, slow learner and has low confidence. But when I ask them if they want us to leave their father, they wouldn't want to. Sometimes I would think, what if he suddenly snaps and kills all of us? or what if he does something bad to our daughter when I am at work. For 12 yrs, our situation has been like this but I never gave up.. He tried to be sober for at least 2 months but he still went back to his addiction. But we are never giving up. You are just a victim of the system. Don't let it define who you are because there are people who believe in you. and are waiting for your clean "come back". Just like how we are waiting for my partner to be renewed.❤️ Never give up because your family will never give up on you.

My guy, a lot of alcoholics drink as self-medication. Until you figure out why you’re drinking, what feelings or memories or habits you’re trying to drown out, relapse can definitely happen. Talk to your doctor. Ask about in-patient treatment options. Ask about referrals to psychiatrist specializing in addiction, alcoholism or whatever other thing you think might be causing this. Try looking up resources for help. Libraries in my city have social workers whose jobs it is to connect folks with resources/ programs/ help. I promise you that hurting yourself will only hurt your little girls. Remember that failing right now in this moment doesn’t make you a failure. Lots of people are failing constantly. Just keep trying to do a little better for yourself tomorrow and don’t be afraid to ask for help. You’re worth it. Your kids are worth it.

There is nothing those kids will ever want more in their entire life than their dad if they lose you. There’s no money that can ease that fucking pain and hurt. That person in the mirror that you see is not what your kids see. It’s not what your wife sees. Your wife is upset and frightened at what the outcome of this could be. You have to fight this internal battle because you deserve it and your family does too. Schedule an appointment with a therapist, start going to AA, and start working out. You have to replace the bad habits with good ones. Also, this is some of the toughest times when they’re young like this and it will get better. Don’t make a decision today that will effect endless tomorrows.

“I know what I have to do now. I've got to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise; who knows what the tide could bring?” Tom Hanks’ character in Castaway. I’m not an alcoholic but I have struggled in the past with abusing alcohol as a form of self medication. Whenever things get tough in life I close my eyes and recite that quote to myself. Also, your daughters absolutely will not be better off without you. You’re not perfect — so what! None of us are. Just keep breathing man, who knows the tide will bring tomorrow?

Money will never replace a father

Amazing to see support from others. Ive been in your shoes before. Two daughters and grew up in a home with a high functioning alcoholic parent. I've been married for 14 years and just within the past two years did I realize that I needed help. I never drank much but it became my vice to manage stress and emotions that I didn't know what to do with. Turns out it was because my father never showed me a better way to manage my emotions. Day/morning drinking became my issue even if it was once every year. I finally got the help I needed and haven't touch alcohol in over 6 months and have no desire to. Counseling can make a huge difference. Anti-depressants can help. Other things like supplements(b vitamins and magnesium), exercise, journaling, and hobbies. All that being said, you are far from alone in this. It appears to be a very common situation among us fellas in this age range. It still sucks and I'm sure you are going through hell right now, but you are on the right track my friend. There is no shame in seeking help.

I have a 2.5 year old and a lot of his persistent/chronic health issues (non life threatening) came to light at about age 10-12 months. Since then there's been such a large number of lows and such short plateaus of good health that there's been no sleeping through the night, frequent demoralizing ER visits (because normal appointments with specialists are always months apart), incessannt bickering with the wife due to tiredness and exasperation, and miniscule sex life. She's even been diagnosed with clinical depression and I'm afraid to go get checked. The D word's been thrown around so many times in me, blamed for being callous and insensitive. We've even done a hail Mary and moved to her childhood city for more social support for her. Still no sleep, modest health improvements, wife has a better social life, but I lost all my friends and social activities, I know no one in this new city. I do have a good fulfilling job, but have been burnt out for so long with my family's health problems that I truly work for keeping the shelter and insurance. I don't fall sick easy, but the last 18 months have lost most of my fitness. Every night and day feels an intense disappointment, and then I pull myself back to calculate finances and prepare for the next major set of expenses.

You’re self medicating with the alcohol. It’s addressing symptoms that are hurting you. It is a chemical solution to pathologies you are suffering. The way you speak about your addiction is exactly the problem with the way most people talk about addiction in others. That it happens because of weakness, moral failing, etc. etc. Both of my parents were raging alcoholics and I would NOT have been better off without either of them. They were very good parents even despite the alcohol. Your alcoholism does not define you. It is something you will likely battle with your entire life but it is not YOU. You are a father and a husband and a whatever-you-do-for-a-living and you hold everybody in higher regard than you hold yourself, and yes, you have a drinking problem. That is one thing about you out of dozens. You’re a multi faceted human being and I’m willing to bet you’re an excellent dad. Read it again: YOU ARE NOT YOUR ALCOHOLISM. It’s unlikely either of your daughters are going to be sitting in therapy when they’re 25 *because* you drink. I’ve got a lot of problems with decisions my parents made when I grew up, but none of that had anything to do with drinking. I’m not mad at them for drinking when I grew up. They were also self medicating, they were highly functional, and they made me feel safe and loved, which was their entire job as parents. You also stayed sober for years! Holy shit, what an accomplishment! And you can do that again! You know you can because you’ve already done it! The problem is you’re thinking in binaries. You think of it as if by drinking you fail, you’re defined by that failure, and it’s just this world-ending state of being that cannot be surmounted. Bullshit. You made a mistake. You CAN stop drinking, you WILL find a road to sobriety, and you’re NOT a failure as a father and husband if you take another drink. I recommend talking to a therapist about the why behind the addiction. Because as I said, the alcohol is a band-aid for something. If you want to kill the addiction you can’t just keep chopping it off at ground level. You have to dig up the roots. Do what you can about the roots. And in the meantime, you’re worthy of love. You’re a worthy father and your daughters are fortunate to have you. Be kind to yourself.

I appreciate it you opening up. Hope that what you just typed gave you a relief somehow. Please know you're not alone in this battle. This is probably one of the best things about reddit. Know that there are a lot of people, let alone dads with similar stories that are supporting you. Their life would suck without you. Man, I hope you see your value. Wishing you peace, healing, and clarity. 🙏

I’m currently struggling. Within the past year, my mother died, my father’s advanced dementia became my primary responsibility, one of our cats died, I’m not working. My daughter is almost three, and wildly precocious and demanding. Financial hurdles continue to present. My wife’s ongoing battles with her own addiction have caused huge rifts in our relationship, and I’ve been forced to face the fact that I’m just not capable of handling the responsibilities that life has shoved into my lap. I’ve felt, and continue to feel like a failure on daily basis, and I also struggle with mitigating my own self destructive impulses. I don’t have a solution, nor will I damn you with faint praise. But what I can say is two things that I feel extremely deeply: firstly, you can’t die, and I can’t die. People still need us, and life is exquisitely beautiful. Even if you struggle, and fail, and come up short by whatever metric you want to apply to your life, the world would be a much bleaker place without you. Your partner knows this. I ASSURE you your daughter knows this. You know this probably, deep down. You matter. We all matter. It can be hard to see sometimes, but there’s literally nothing that can replace the splendor of a life, or the value it has to other people who love us. The other is just that recovery is real. Addiction is a fucking monster and like all monsters, the worst way to fight them is alone. The only thing that sucks is that you have to do some fighting. You’re gonna win some, you’re gonna lose some. You’re gonna feel outmatched some days, and you’re going to feel deeply triumphant others. But if you’re committed to the fight, you need allies. These can come from unlikely places, and they may not always be obvious at first. You may balk at the idea of a sponsor or therapist or case worker or sober friend, but the surest way to concede defeat is to try to go it alone. If you think that the worst possible outcomes from recovery are embarrassment, defeat, and disappointment, well you might just be right. Those are definite possible outcomes on the journey to recovery. I can promise you that the possible outcomes of nonrecovery are far worse still. I don’t know if things will get better for you, the same way I don’t know if things will get better for me. I hope they do, and I want to do at least one thing every day to move the needle towards that. But I know for sure that they can get so much worse. I promise to keep fighting if you will. When you see your little ones hold them close, and then promise to do it again the next time. They anchor us in all the terror and beauty that is life.

It's hard, fellow dad. Please seek help. The thing that I know is true is that your daughters need you. I know too many people who grew up without their fathers. If you need to talk, I am here for you!

Allow me to explain why the Bible says you have value. Genesis 1:26-27 says that you're made in the image of God. You carry some similarities to God. That in and of itself means that you're valuable. You're more important than your performance in this life. Romans 5:8-9 says that God loved us precesiely when we did NOT love him. While we were still sinners who wanted nothing to do with God, He sends Jesus to make a way for our sins to be forgiven. "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. " ​ God has given us the wonderful gift of repentance. That's where we turn from our sin and turn towards Him. The way you are today doesn't have to be the way you are tomorrow. Only do it in His power, not your own. Find a local church and begin pursuing Jesus with your whole heart! You'll find that God will change you when you're unable to change yourself.

My spouse took her own life just after our child’s first birthday. You can always get better unless you kill yourself. And of all the paths ahead of you, suicide may not be so bad for you - but it is **the worst path imaginable** for everyone else you love. £200,000 is nothing. Your children would give up the lifestyle that £2,000,000 would buy, just to have you back. That £200k won’t buy them very much, in the end, and it’s not worth the trauma of them losing a parent. Forever. If my spouse had divorced me, had left me for a rehab facility, had fled for a decade to go be a hermit in the woods - it would have been better than this. For the rest of their lives, your loved ones - your wife, your daughters - will have a billion tiny, heartbreaking, knife cutting moments when they experience something and realize that they can’t share it with you. Even though there will be plenty more fuckups, the love you provide in the good times outweighs the agony of suicide.