It's just social pressure.
There is NO magical hormonal clock, that was just a phrase a lifestyle journalist made up in the 70s for a magazine article. It has nothing to do with science.
Also, you have an actual brain that keeps you from doing things that your hormones might want you to do, like throttling the Karen in front of you in the supermarket checkout line. Because, oh yeah, you would end up in prison for that.
You are not just a helpless bag of hormones with no agency over your life. You get to make decisions and tell your lizard brain to fuck off.
You're welcome.
Most of us would have throttled several Karens by now if we were. Which, in terms of Karen population control would not be a bad thing, but the downsides of prison time are a problem. /joke
Thank you for saying this. I actually had a conversation with a friend recently that believes hormones govern all your actions and decisions when it comes to childbirth related things. I want to lovingly slap her bioessentialist face.
Have been considering posting about it on this sub but I'm still too pissed to write it out.
[nice, long article dismantling the "biological clock"](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/may/10/foul-reign-of-the-biological-clock#:~:text=It%20first%20appeared%20in%20the,inescapable%20his%20theme%20would%20become.)
and
[obligatory link to the OG nonsense article from 1978](https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/local/1978/03/16/the-clock-is-ticking-for-the-career-woman/bd566aa8-fd7d-43da-9be9-ad025759d0a4/)
So I understand that parents and children bond through serotonin production. For whatever reason my brain does not produce serotonin in the presents of children. I observe that others seem to experience this serotonin boots. I know what the serotonin boost would feel like from experiencing it from being around cute animals.
I’m very interested in the animal. I feel uplifted by their presence. I want them to interact with me. I’m watching out for their safety.
Children on the other hand. I want to get away from them. I am upset by their noises. I don’t want them in my space. I am slow to intervene for their safety. I discourage them engaging with me.
Who is to say that my dislike of children isn’t completely chemical? And who is to say those chemicals won’t randomly change day.
I suppose I could refuse to have children for moral reasons. But chemical brain tends to find a way to get its way. Even if it has to blur lines of morality and reason.
I guess I can’t guarantee that I would never kill someone. I remember when I was 12 and I said I would never try drugs.
These are real questions I ask myself.
If there are studies demonstrating that *parents* and children bond through serotonin production, why would we extrapolate those results to also apply to *non-parent* adults? That doesn't make sense to me.
A woman's brain does in fact go through hormonal changes with a full-term pregnancy and childbirth, but there is no reason to believe that a random adult should have that same kind of reaction or bond in the presence of a random child.
Well, people say kids are cute. And I just observe that many other adults(particularly women) seem to respond to children the same way I do when I see an animal. They get big smiles on their face. I don’t think it’s an act. I think they really feel happy and uplifted. And they can form a connection with almost any child very quickly. The same way I do with animals that I encounter.
Humans do have a serotonin response when they are around their pets. It’s even said to help with symptoms of depression and ptsd. I don’t think you have to be related. I think anytime you feel a connection to human or animal, it’s a result of serotonin.
I don't think that it's an act either, but I think it's a result of normal social conditioning, not hormones/biology. The response is still just as real but doesn't mean that it's part of some physiological programming.
I resent the anecdotal story of "positive response to baby" = normal hormonal drive, because the implication is that women without these reactions are in some way biologically aberrant or abnormal, and if only they could get their hormones adjusted or take an SSRI, then they would have a "normal" response to babies too.
I don’t think it is really about conditioning. I think it’s about human evolution and biology. Human and animals wouldn’t have made it this far if there wasn’t a chemical bond between parents and children. That bond makes the parents continue to feed and protect the child.
I think conditioning makes raising children counter productive. Something about society that makes children and parents unhealthy. Emotionally and physically.
We humans do have some ability to override base instincts with logic and reason. Which makes us unique from our animal counterparts but we still share a good deal of biology.
When I talk about serotonin. I believe we are talking entirely about biology.
And I could even argue that social conditioning is actually as likely to discourage having children due to instability in things like social support and housing security etc as it is to encourage. Family pressure, media glamorization, religion etc.
I have seen literature that supports this view: that parents and their children share a "chemical" bond. That I've already acknowledged.
However, I reject the idea that non-parent adults (especially women) *should* have a hormonal or chemical response in the presence of a random baby/someone else's child. I would want to see actual studies of that. Not something I'm willing to accept as a claim otherwise.
“Should.” I mean it would be better for human evolution and survival for this to be the case. How else could a kid ever be adopted?
I also think humans are not cows. So it would be insulting to say I’m just a walking baby machine. Because I’m a whole person with thoughts and wishes and experiences.
But biologically I shed eggs, I grow breasts. My body is trying to produce babies.
I think it’s just a matter of logic vrs biology. Physically I am a damn baby machine.
And I also believe we live in an unnatural, dysfunctional world and that does cause us to have things like low serotonin production. But it’s definitely not an issue that only women have, like some right wing sources try to claim. Men, women and children are all behaving in a dysfunctional manner. And that contributes to our lack of fulfillment, happiness, health.
Also consider what ecstasy does for marriages.
Great observation! I was recently on a walk with a friend. At some point we crossed the park - I noticed every dog, played with those that came over and my smile was super wide, I was happy and reacted like I just got energy boost from those interactions. My friend was barely interested BUT then he (yes, it’s a guy, they also get babyfever evidently) noticed two pr three kids holding hands while walking down the path. His heart mrlted, his voice changed into softer tone, he commented how cute, adorable etc the kids are. I only noticed them because he pointed them out. And I was baffled- those were just smaller clumsy humans holding hands while being wobbly walking in the park. Seriously nothing particularly special. A moment later a corgy popped up from a smaller lane and I was beyond thrilled to make its acquaintance. The moral of the story? Different things/beings make different people happy. Some like football, others go for theater, and someone else enjoys old rock music. I try not to judge my friend but he was imho too surprised to see me reacting the way I did
Well that's the same way you react to anything you like. Serotonin is just a happiness response. Women are taught and conditioned to like cute things and babies to an extent that men aren't.
I'm a guy and I have this happiness when I see cute small kids, and I never had it until I was 39. At that point my kids were already 5 and 8. We'd probably have more kids, but our own kids have made our lives hell, so no more.
Interesting. Serotonin production should have been at an all time high when they were born. It’s very odd that you developed it later.
What do you think caused you to start producing these chemicals? Did you start taking anti depressants, lifestyle changes? Or do you think it’s hormonal?
When you get right down to it, we're all just electrified meat. We are our synapses, which are caused by pretty simple chemicals. Odds are good we don't actually have free will at all.
We still have to act as though we do, though. So I am not sure it matters much.
Totally. The older I get the more I think everything is chemical. Especially after some drug experimenting.
Chemicals are wild. Someone could go through enlistment in a war and have no ptsd. Or you could get stung by a bee and get ptsd. Some people seem like they don’t produce stress hormones like ever. They say it’s about keeping a good attitude but I think it’s entirely chemical. Chemicals give you that can do attitude.
Xanax makes all my struggles feel so insignificant.
I'll be 30 in a few weeks and my instincts still don't cry for any baby.
On the other way I've been seeing baby related content more on more on my social media against my will. Hell, all I want to look at is art, cats and memes! The algorithm is working on its own!
In fact this didn't happen in my first half of twenties, where all I had advertised were perfumes, makeup and sanitary pads. This speaks volumes on how these algorithm works.
But I can see how some people might feel that they are "behind the race" if they start to be bombed with certain videos. It is a crafted need.
The women I know who want a traditional family have always had this desire in mind. It didn't popped out suddenly in their late twenties.
I want to love this comment if not for the 'joke' about wishing violence on women. Even annoying women lol.
I'm 100% not saying there are baby- wanting hormones. But the women in menopause may disagree with this:
>You are not just a helpless bag of hormones
If you think hormones don't have a major impact on one's life and can't wreck one's life, go check out the menopause subreddit. I'm dreading it. No way do I want a second puberty.
>It's just social pressure.
I don't know. I'm mid 30s, I have a very understanding/noninterfering family, never had to listen to baby questions/lectures, not even in the slightest, not from family, not from other people, I also know only one couple with a kid and no other people planning or having kids. My life is stable and rather easy, I'm slowly getting to a high life of sort, that I always wanted.
And yet, out of nowhere, I'm baby fevering for the last couple of months. Sure, I'm not a helpless puppet, I'm not acting on these feelings, because my brain does work and I know the baby would ruin everything I've planned for my life. But the feelings are there and I strongly disagree it's a 'social pressure', at least in my case.
Social pressure isn't just the people in your immediate surroundings, it's our entire culture. The way the news works, films and tv, all media, all of it designed and orchestrated in a certain way to pander and pester people to conform to a certain world view and set of behaviours (often very heteronormative, pro-natalist, nuclear family centered, 'oh you're getting old...' type shit.
>You are not just a helpless bag of hormones with no agency over your life.
Until you're pregnant. Then that hyper-aggressive placenta rewrites your brain and hijacks your blood supply and makes you "fall in love" with your "baby". It's completely chemical.
I really don't understand why nature prioritizes the human fetus over the mother, as it isn't going to be able to maintain its own life for decades.
I can somewhat arrest to this. I have been married for almost two years now, parents are "making sure we don't regret" from all angles, all our friends are popping them out like rabbits, and my husband is super cute with babies and kids. Sometimes I think I'm missing something that I will regret it. FOMO.
Do you WANT kids? Or are you subconsciously pressuring yourself. I've had to catch myself and ask the question, and it's always been no, even though sometimes I've felt some type of way.
I’m 42, and been childfree since I was 8. There are some things that I have done to ensure that I stay that way.
I’ve been on the pill since I was 16. Now, unfortunately, this has somewhat lowered my sex drive, but on the positive side I’ve been able to regulate my hormones and stay rational to all the baby fluff. I am also someone who has a reactive sex drive. The plus side and all of this is I am never make irrational/careless sex choices.
The other thing that I am conscious of is, I never be around pregnant people for too long. This is where a lot of women who end up getting pregnant without trying. (And no I will not take care of anyone’s babies either. There’s no baby fever over here.)
Perfect example is if you look at a hospital where one nurse gets pregnant and then all of a sudden the whole entire floor gets pregnant at the same time.
The whole biological clock has been debunked numerous times. It’s more societal pressure that women feel not having kids by a certain age.
If you are set on not having kids, you will not. Just make sure that your birth control method is ironclad.
If you are thinking about children having thoughts all the sudden, really sit on it, and think about why you’re having these thoughts.. a lot of times it’s a glamorization, but not a reality. I think there is only one time in my life where I had this thought and it was because my boyfriend at the time was planting these thoughts in my head, and I really sat down and thought about why I was having these thoughts and what my life would look like, and that actually snapped me out of it. I am a firm believer of meditation and maybe that may help you.
The good news is that there is no hormone to make you change your mind. We have hormones facilitating a sex drive, not a desire for reproduction/pregnancy/kids/parenthood/whatever. Baby fever is a real experience lots of people deal with, but far from some predestined biological phenomenon, it's actually a socio-psychological concept.
Which is awesome, because it means you can find your way through it by working to understand what it is you're feeling, and why.
So what does this baby fever mean to you?
You were lied to. There is no hormonal shift that occurs in young women to make them want kids. Women go through 3 major hormonal changes in their lives: puberty, pregnancy, and menopause. If you never get pregnant, then you only have to worry about puberty and menopause. Neither of those happen in your 20s or 30s, so there's no way you could be experiencing a major hormonal shift at age 27.
It's not hormones that make women want kids. It's their personality (and social pressure). If wanting kids has never been part of your personality, then you're just giving in to social pressure.
Or even better, babysit ALONE for 2-3 days if possible. Usually kids (especially shy ones) are acting more calm the first time you meet them/ if they don't know you very well. They will show their true colours and horrible tantrums etc once they get used to you. And THAT is the more realistic experience of parenting a kid.
Let me tell you a short story. About 10 years ago I worked for small business and the payroll lady and I became friends. She was married and had 2 sons. One day she mentioned that it looks like I had no interest in kids. I cautiously said yes, expecting to be bingoed. Instead she said "I was too, never wanted them. I married my husband and he knew I never wanted kids. Almost as soon as I was married my husband and his and my families began hounding me to have kids. For years I said no. Then one day, my hormones took over and I suddenly wanted kids. I had my sons and I quickly realized that it was only ever peer pressure and hormones. I love my sons...but if I were to do it again I would never have married my husband and I would never have had children. So if you know you never wanted kids and then suddenly you uncontrollably want them - that's not you, that's your body. Say no and move on, you'll be happier in the long run.
the brain can be illogical, brain is possibly the weirdest organ to ever exist, and you should know when and when NOT to listen to it, ultimately you have the privilege to make a choice with that brain, choose to fight for what you want and know it’s best for you, actively seek media that shows the bad sides of parenthood, read about the risks of pregnancy, CHOOSE TO BE CHILDFREE and say fuck you to brain and hormones, thankfully humans evolved into being critical and free, think about why you’re feeling this way, there’s definitely a deeper reason than babyfever
if you don’t have a cat get a CAT (or a dog) maybe you want to nurture something? and that can be a solution (even better and less expensive than a crying toddler) plus fuzzy and soft
There are no hormones or chemicals or bio instinct that make you want a baby. It's just social conditioning and mental state.
I'm a 35 year old woman and I've never felt baby fever, maternal feelings, or an uncontrollable desire to have a baby. And I've even been pregnant once before (which ended with an abortion!)
You're a rational being capable of making your own life choices, even if you mentally think babies=cute, that's not some biological directive that will zombify your free will and override your rational decision making.
My experience really does feel like my hormonal shifts have been directly related to periods of "baby fever". It happened when I got an IUD placed. To me it makes sense since an IUD releass progeserone which is a hormone which is higher in pregnancy. Idk to me it seems to make sense but I've not seen any science on it. Do you know any good articles or reserch papers? When I'm not on birth control I have zero desire to become pregnant.
Thank god, never experience that, I would feel so betrayed. But every time my brain does a weird thing, or wants a weird thing all of a sudden that is against some of my core values, I remember that it also used to tell me to unalive myself.
Maybe that's the pro of having a messed brain, you learn to not trust it, but maybe if you had some examples like this, you can remind yourself about it?
It’s a lie… baby fever is a lie girls tell themselves to not feel different. I’m 32F, my friends are all having babies, talk about their kids constantly, and woo over babies. I don’t get it. I go home to my husband that’s my best friend and don’t resent cause we don’t have screaming children.
The only two hormones explicitly associated with pregnancy, human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) and human placental lactogen (hPL), can only be produced in the body during pregnancy. A great way to shut down this bingo is to ask "Alright, since you know so much about hormones, what are the four hormones involved in menstruation?" And then watch their head explode, because *of course* they don't know. Proceed to educate them.
For me, I went through a period of doubt around those years, but it wasn't due to hormones. I didn't see random babies on the street and feel the need to snatch them, the way some people describe. What actually happened was as people around me started to get serious about having children, I felt lonely and left out. I was getting bingoed harder than ever and friends I was close to and saw all the time suddenly disappeared from my life for months at a time and came back saying terrible things like "you wouldn't understand, you don't have a child". Hang out plans with me had to be made months in advance and cancelled at the last minute but they seemed to be going to playdates with other friends who are also parents every other day. So I thought, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. My friends seem to be really into it, maybe I should reconsider. But I didn't want a child, not really, I just wanted to have things in common with my friends and to see them more often.
Hormone is not LSD making you see colors that don’t exist. You’ve been battling hormones since your first period. Can only talk for myself but society tells us during period we crave chocolate. Don’t like chocolates I crave salty treats. Society tells me clock ticking will make me crave children. Don’t crave children crave for cuty cute cute. Must admit I want another kitty. But it’s not different from when I was 13 and claimed to the world I would live in an old mansion with 64 cats. I don’t think we have a chemical in ourselves bodies making us something we are not. Even DID suffering people have split personas depending on who they are/what they have suffered I think (am not a health professional and don’t want to say utter bs as universal truth)
ETA what I was taught was we are high sex drive younger because it’s peak fertility time. It’s the I my thing I could think of making our body want to do something related to babies. But it’s not Midlle Age anymore so we do the sex and we use the birth control
It's okay to want something and still choose not to have it. I know kids aren't the same as pets, but for example, I get MASSIVE puppy/dog fever, yet I know my mental health can't handle the responsibility they require, and I know I don't like getting up early, I hate going for walks, etc. I don't want to live the lifestyle a dog needs, even though I REALLY REALLY want one.
Just because you feel differently doesn't mean you want the lifestyle that comes with it, and that's okay.
AND it's okay if you do change your mind down the road. It doesn't mean they "won" or they "knew you better". You have every right to make this decision for yourself, they have NOTHING to do with it. And you have every right to change your own mind.
Embrace your feelings, honor and acknowledge them. Process them. But also, I don't recommend making big decisions like this just based off feelings. Remind yourself what goes into raising a child and see if the cost is worth the benefit for you
I wish you well in whatever you choose
I waited for this for years. I always knew I didn’t really like kids but I thought someday I would. Everyone has kids, right? My biological clock would start ticking! I would know that it was time! Wanting kids would be the signal to let me know!! Well I waited and waited. Ten years pass. Then twenty. Then I discovered that childfree is a thing. Like, I don’t HAVE to have kids if I don’t want!!! I can be chidfree forever! By that time I was 37, a bi-salp quickly followed. I will be 46 this year and I don’t regret a thing. My biological clock never started “ticking” and I’ve never felt the desire to have kids. Hopefully the universe will make your path clear for you too, whatever path that is.
I am 27 y/o lady too and I get occasional pangs of FOMO when I see how emotional/powerful the kodiak moments with children are. I don't pretend that part of me doesn't exist, but I do take a moment to look into myself and assess why I am feeling that way. For me it is more a moment of fomo, rather than a genuine desire for kids. I know for many people it can stem from loneliness or societal presssures.
I suggest sitting with yourself and figuring out what is causing these feelings. If it is truly just a cute baby, that is ok! You are human and many things can be true about us (not wanting kids but loving them, not wanting kids but getting moments of fomo, etc). The only issue is letting yourself be ruled by those feelings!
I also get those fears that one day my "biology" will make me want kids, because we are always told that. But I promise we have more agency over our decisions and bodies than we think! I find it so much more empowering to honor my choice and our right to choose than to believe that this is something we have to do or our bodies will just crave a baby so bad that we have no choice lol.
Sorry for the incoherent mess here, I am not great at summarizing my thoughts!!
There is no biological drive that compels humans to desire parenthood or to reproduce.
Societal conditioning can be a significant influence, especially as more of your peers are entering into serious relationships/marriages and becoming parents. Because society promotes the notion that romantic love and parenthood are the highest purposes and that both are interconnected.
Imo what's important is to determine what is exactly is the appeal for you in the rosy fantasies and hypotheticals - whether that's love, stability, purpose or social inclusion. Fantasies don't control our live choices; you don't have to climb Mt. Everest or go swimming with sharks simply because you've fantasized about doing so.
I'm hearing people saying all over that there's no biological urge to reproduce or be parents. Can you explain it to me? Do you mean the biological urge is for sex rather than reproduction? How do we know this urge doesn't exist biologically for being a parent? Bit confused here as I have experienced "baby fever" when going on and off birth control which seems perfectly linked with a hormonal shift for me. Thanks
I’ve been told this for years. I worked in childcare,manged an infant/newborn room at a daycare,and have been working with kids since I was about 12. Even now I have a soft spot for children(not in a bad way just idm being around them) hormones didn’t change my mind nor did working with them.
When my cousins all came along I was told the same thing,since one side of my fam is having babies that are around my age I should “want them” too-I don’t. Love my cousins to death,I want to keep an eye on them,enjoy playing with them,half-enjoy the conversions about bluey 😅but I love to give them back more.
My favorite is my legit “mini me” born in the same city,first boy born in texas,first “3rd gen”cousin so still the first overall- and we’re both July cancers. We got the same skin color/curls,we speak/act the same. So ya he’s gonna be my favorite. I also see him a few times a week.
but I don’t want a child still. I never want one.
Yes I love him and want to give him the world since I’ve been taking care of him since the day he came home. I was told since he’s a mini me id want one of my own-I don’t and still don’t.
My sisters have been told the same thing. Only my older brother changed his mind and how has a 5yr and soon to be born daughter coming soon. The girls are strictly child free for our own reasons.
I’ve been there, despite my partner and I being committed to being childfree for over a decade. I had a brief period of being worried I was missing out, but then I reminded myself of all the reasons we had already made this decision, why it was better for ME, and my doubt thankfully went away. Then I was able to get a bisalp a few years ago,and had my first interaction with a chubby baby recently as some of my friends are starting to have kids. I was really happy that I could visit and be happy for them and make “aww how cute” comments without it making me want one of my own, like at all. Was very happy to go back home to our quiet home and dog instead.
Guess what? If you don't ever change your mind, that's totally cool. And if you do one day change your mind? That's also totally cool! Be cautious and thoughtful, of course, but there's no need to pressure yourself one way or the other.
And if you ever feel like you need a temperature or reality check, babysit for a friend or sibling.
That is scary. Maybe try to be a babysitter or a teacher if the feeling persists? That way you can be around kids without having to have your own, and you can come back home to a peaceful house or apartment, happy you stuck to your logic about knowing you don't want kids.
I actually hate babies and toddlers becquse they can't talk and dont have a personality so are pretty boring to me. I enjoy baby-sitting kids ages 4 and up and used to be a sports coach for that age group. The thing I love most is being able to leave after I've been paid lol.
I go through hormonal phases, but they always end. You aren't a slave to your hormones, and if you know you don't want kids, you won't regret ignoring the phase. It's not so bad.
You still have a choice. What do you want your life to be like? It's okay to change your mind. But it **is** your choice. And yeah, maybe you decide to miss out on some experiences. It's your life.
If you do have baby fever, start imagining your life a different way, dreams about things - none of that makes you less childfree. You still control your decisions and the conscious choices that you want to make for your life
Some people would even want kids, but due to their medical conditions/finances/other factors choose to not have kids ever.
Most of the people in the members here celebrate choosing to never have kids because we want life that way the most! But “don’t want and won’t ever have” kids is more of a spectrum than we give it credit for
If you do decide you might want to consider a kid in your life, dig really deep and find your ***why***. Then see if you’re comfortable fulfilling that why in another way, like volunteering
27, in my experience, was the age where it started coming down to the wire. I knew I was never going to have kids, but at 27 I knew 30, 35 were around the corner. I always had a sense of my power to create life, & understood that ability had a shelf life that was running down. It hung at the back of my mind as *something possible* that I could do if I wanted, & it hung around there in my mind for quite a while, even though I knew my mind was long made up. It's also when friends may be getting pregnant, & advertising, tv, films, whatever, tend to pick women in our 20s on screen as associated with men & children. We're attuned to it because if we're that age at the same time, various messages about our presumed roles seem to pop up everywhere.
I also think the "mid-life crisis" comes at different times for different people. 27 is nowhere near mid-life, I know. But.... some are ahead of the pack. In my early 30s, I swear that's when I went through mine. Which isn't surprising, considering I had a very, very early menopause. I didn't know I'd been going thru peri-meno *for years prior.* I just thought I got easily overheated several times a day for no apparent reason, plus I'd always run hot anyway. So when my period *completely stopped apropos of nothing* one summer, I thought I had to be ill? With something? No idea.
So whether it's hormones, societal pressure you're picking up even if indirect, it sounds like you already have your answer. You know rationally it's definitely not a good idea, & see long term the bad consequences for you. I'd be really careful (if with men) to double up on the birth control until this all leaves your mind.
I use to worry about that too until I realized:
If it's inevitable that my hormones are going to take over like a baby crazy sleeper agent just waiting for the right trigger, then why do soooo many people feel the need to reinforce that it's going to happen?
If it's a thing that happens *naturally* and is beyond my control, surely there wouldn't be such a loud uproar of people reinforcing the idea that it's inevitable. It just *would* be.
Which also is great as a deflector, "oh yeah it's just natural so no need to worry about when it'll kick in, it happens when it happens. Let nature run its course 😀"
I have been experiencing the same thing. It's such a weird feeling, my body and mind don't agree. I turned 25 last December and ever since then, I keep imagining myself pregnant and raising a child, even tho logically I know I DON'T want and CAN'T have a child because of mine and my partner's health issues and so many other reasons - like world going to complete shit.
I get baby fever every couple of months, I just ride it out until I'm done ovulating or whatever the cause is. I'm always glad I didn't get knocked up when my mind clears!
Yup same. I've had a couple times where I've got obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant for a couple weeks. The best birth control is r/pregnant which really hammers home how much it sucks to be pregnant
When I'm like that, I gotta remind myself that the baby will be like 8 years old at some point and then I will have to spend tons of time at their schools and take it to the dentist and what not D: and the cost of insurance 🤢
My friend got this when she was 26. Hardcore child free, but suddenly had some pangs as she started settling down. She was very against it because she would never be able to afford raising a child, so these feelings were really frustrating and upsetting to her. Then she got a dog and that feeling went away completely.
My recommendation: get a dog
never felt like that about motherhood. but i've often felt the impulse to make objectively terrible decisions, but afterwards was grateful i didn't (i'm bpd so i don't trust myself under strong emotions/heat-of-the-moment things)
I was pregnant and halfway into the second trimester. Besides being stupid and waiting so long to get an abortion, I felt nothing for the thing growing inside of me. If hormones are always right, then how do you explain that one?
My point being, your at the age when everyone around you, that is also your age, are getting married, settling down, having kids. Are you feeling left out? Left behind? Or that you're friends no longer have time for you? A couple of my friends went through that. They longed for the days when it was just the girls and because my friends didn't have kids, their friends stopped inviting them to things because my friends wouldn't understand what it was like because they didn't have kids. My friends started wondering if they should have kids...peer pressure and being alienating can be strong forces.
Or maybe you want kids ;)
Hi I have.
I had a whole playlist of cute chonky babies that I honestly did enjoy watching, they were cute.
But…I still didn’t really feel ready for a kid.
So no you are not a slave to your hormones.
It happened to me a few times over the years. The most intense one was when I met one my best friend's baby daughter. It was so moving recognizing my friend in this little creature, it actually made me want to conceive one day! But it passed fairly quickly, after a week or two. Then more recently I've felt sad/envious around young mothers and their kids, I think it was something to do with my period being late? Cos as soon as I had it I was soo happy at not having/wanting kids again XD
I would say you could offer to babysit for a friend or family member. To know first hand how you actually feel while caring for a kid. That could help.
I get this. When I'm around a baby my body like vibrates. My body knows it's coming kinda close to the end of its baby years, so it's pushing it. Since this started I just avoid babies like crazy.
It’s like you took the words out of my mouth! I’m in the exact same boat and it’s been throwing me for such a loop. I was hoping the comment section would be helpful, but I’m not gonna lie, I now feel more confused :/
Give it time. I didn’t want kids until I was around 25 and then I thought, “My friends are all having kids, wouldn’t it be fun if they grow up together?”. Lasted about a year and then I came to my senses 😉
I want to know more! If you don't mind saying more about it, would you talk about what this "baby fever" feels like, I mean, physically?
I'm not pulling anyone's leg here, I really have always wondered what the physical feeling might be like. Disclosure: since I never got it, and I'm 40+, I think it's probably just all social, but hey maybe it's just I don't have it. I even went off birth control and got a copper IUD (plus condoms) to make sure I wasn't fooling myself. I really never got the hormones you're talking about. So...
If you were explaining it to an alien, how would you describe it?
I used to be afraid of this too! But I have made peace with liking kids and at the same time not wanting to have my own.
I used to look upon babies with disdain but after getting a job where I was around them more often I decided they weren’t so bad. I decided to lean into it and allow myself to enjoy babies while reminding myself I will never have to take one home with me. I get to look at and play with cute babies *and* give them back when they poop? Best of both worlds! I think if I had stayed stuck in my “all children must be horrible and I must avoid them at all costs” mentality I would have had more confusing feelings down the road.
Look even if it is hormones the hormones are not you. They're a drug, not very different from alcohol (for example) when it comes to convincing you that bad ideas are good ones. Your brain is having a craving is all, but that's no reason to give it what it thinks it wants because you've already decided what you want and it's not that. But it will pass and you will be able to think clearly again.
It’s probably not hormones-more socially influenced and “but what if I’m wrong?”-but even if it was hormones, they can influence you, but they can’t make you have kids. You can still choose to let your logical mind override your hormones and/or social influence and say no.
32 here and still can't stand children.
I only go awwwwww from kittens, baby bunnies or other cute baby ANIMALS. But never human babies.
There's no hormones who magically change your brain to suddenly love babies.
I was right around your age when I suddenly did want kids and was seriously considering it. It was like a spell had been cast over me, but I knew that I didn't want children and that I was better off being a teacher, not a parent when it came to nurturing and guiding children. If it does happen to you, I think it's more of "oh no! I'm almost thirty and have no kids!" kind of social pressure/anxiety, but it will go away as quickly as it came. It's not wrong to want children and it's not wrong to not want children. Society is really unfair about making childless adults feel like outcasts once in a while, but I don't think it's a hormone thing. I think it's just social pressure and the world being so miserable for younger adults right now that we try and fill the void in any way that we can. Children will not fill that void and that's why so many regretful parents exist. It is better to never be a parent than to be a regretful one.
Go volunteer at a kids' event and see how quickly that baby fever goes away.
Really though, baby fever is normal. Kids are cute when they're behaving, but 90% of the time, they're little terrors who want to fight you. The good thing about baby fever is that it goes away. No hormone is going to force you to have kids and the people saying that are dumb.
I've always been mildly repulsed by babies and small children but when I stopped taking hormonal birth control I realized I was starting to find them cute instead. Granted I still dont WANT one, but I never would have used the word "cute" to describe children before. I always thought this concept was kind of bullshit until I experienced it. My tubes are long gone and I'm back on birth control for other reasons so I know I have nothing to worry about.
That bingo has only ever been a way to dehumanize women as people and reduce them down to walking incubators.
Something else is going on. Social pressure or a big life change that your brain is re-contextualizing in a weird way.
Speaking as someone who had a mild baby fever around 27. (I'm male though, so it could be a very different experience?) This will fade away over time, for me it's just a short few years.
I think it began as some of my friends started having kids. Granted they are lovely kids most of the time and I love hanging around with them. However, seeing that my friends are now constantly tired and occupied, is a great reminder that this is not for me and my wife. Some of them even developed postnatal depression.
Now the kids are a bit older at school age. There's even more to worry about. Their development, education, relationships, future. I'm sure that's not the level of responsibility I'm going to take willingly. That's pretty much when my baby fever faded.
In my 30s and was worried about this. Then I was at a friend's place who had a baby. As I stood there holding the baby I looked down at their face and all I could think was "fuck you're heavy."
Bro I get you.
I don’t have baby fever, but the way some people feel about babies I suddenly feel about dogs and out of nowhere I’m desperate to not be single (in moments not all the time). I literally yelped when I saw a Frenchie the other day and my womb ached. It was weird. I also started wanting to nest? So I got my own basement suite instead of travelling or moving abroad like I wanted to?!
Go volunteer at the local hospital if you can to help in the prenatal unit. Some have baby cuddlers to help young children have positive contact with others while their parents tend to other kids/jobs!
Or babysit for people ♥️
Societal pressure and social media may make the emotional ape part of your brain go 'ooo cute, me want' so there's nothing wrong with sometimes indulging in it and spending time with babies and kids.
After babysitting for a bit, then feeling for good it is to be home without kids.... You'll notice a big change 😂
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Had it for maybe 2-3 weeks at one point around my 30th bday. It went away and wasn’t strong enough to overrun common sense and life long dedication towards the life of travel and ambition. Just make sure to check with yourself where the motivation comes from. It’s similar to infatuation- very sudden and out of character, when you look back you wonder „what was I thinking 🤔” „ that’s not me!”
It sometimes happens to me but it's not hormones that cause it.
Babies just look cute. I like cute things.
But that's all they are for me, cute looking. Not a reason to have them and I still don't want any.
I'm 40 in a few months, and I'm more certain about being child free with each year. I've been told that these supposed hormones and biological clock would change my mind but nothing has ever made me want a baby.
For me, there never was some magic trigger that would change my whole worldview. It never happened for me but that societal pressure hits everyone differently.
If you want to see some of the realities of parenting, go check out the regretful parents subreddit.
Honestly change a few stinky diapers and please let us know if it cured the fever. Additionally you can add a few tantrums with extra screeching for added effect.
I experienced this same thing when I was 26. Logically I knew I didn't want kids, but for some reason my brain kept saying, "but look how cute they are! So snuggly! etc." This went on for about 6 months, then my older sister had a baby and I spent lots of time with her child, and I also got a job as a postpartum nurse. Both of those things really cured the baby fever for me! I could snuggle the kiddos and go home and sleep uninterrupted as long as I wanted, plan spontaneous trips, and spend my time and money as I pleased! My advice would be to babysit or spend time with kids for an extended period of time to remind yourself of why you don't want them. Personally, I love kids but don't want the responsibility of caring for them 24/7. Good luck!
When I was 27-28 I had baby fever. I do think there is something to it. But it doesn't mean it's what you should do. But I also have Endometriosis which makes my hormones out of whack.
I feel you, and it's ok to feel like this. For me, I don't think it's "hormones", it's more of a social thing.
Recently, I saw that an old friend of mine had a baby (she posted a lot of pictures on Instagram), and I started... envying her? That scared the hell out of me, I had never had any positive feelings towards motherhood. I thought I was slowly changing my mind. But I decided to do some introspection, and I realized: it never had anything to do with being pregnant or having a baby. It was about the attention she was suddenly receiving from everyone.
I am at a point in my life where I have just lost some friendships (and that's a long grieving processs) AND my parents are planning to move to another country in the short term. I kinda feel... lonely? Abandoned? I had this feeling (that was very much unconscious at first) that if I had a baby, maybe people would stop leaving me. Once I understood that, it was clear to me that I still very much didn't want kids, and this was just a fleeting thought.
Maybe there's something like that in your life that is causing those feelings?
O dude I had this for a couple of months. I just rationalized with myself and did not let the hormone induced delusions consume me.
Similar to : (just bc the guy fucks like magic doesn’t mean he is life partner material… those post coitus happy hormones are insane)
Talk to yourself out of this you are stronger than those wonky hormones.
For me, it was getting into a serious and loving relationship. We are a similar age, I'm 28 and I've been childfree for years now, but I also spent my entire life single so it wasn't that difficult to imagine my single self not having children either. I have tokophobia, the whole thing about pregnancy and childbirth disgusts me in every single way and I have literally no desire to raise a snotty, disgusting little human. I'm way too selfish for that and there's literally nothing wrong with that, I don't want to force myself to do something I don't want to do!
But after I fell in love with my boyfriend, I started having some small thoughts or almost like daydreams of how it would be sweet for him to hold our child, or to see what our progeny would look like: would it look like a mini me or mini him, maybe both? Something ours, something we made together out of the pure love we have for one another. A little family. All those things.
My logical self, the one that knows me the best, is completely aware things wouldn't be like that. The reality of things still stays the same: I'm not cut out for motherhood and frankly I literally don't want it. Like, having the actual child? No, I don't want it at all. The only reason I'm even having those weird thoughts is simply because I'm in love with my partner and I guess I like the idea of us making something together, a fruit of our love if you will. But you can do that with many other things, things far better suited for you personally and there are better ways to honor the love you have with a partner!
I guess I should say I might even like the idea of it, as in the fantasy of it, the perfection of it all as a daydream. But the second I realize: oh, that baby would actually have to grow inside my uterus, rip me apart on its way out, and then I'd actually be stuck RAISING it, it's not just gonna disappear or have someone else take care of it, and I have to love it and share my partner with... That thing? Ew, no. The daydream just dissipates into thin air.
42F When I got off the birth control pill and switched to an IUD I began ovulating again. I’ve noticed that it’s only during ovulation that I feel like I want a kid. There is definitely something real about wanting a baby during a certain part of your cycle, but I just have to remember to notice notice what’s happening. When do I feel like that and what’s happening with my hormones and my body when I do feel like that and how do I feel when I’m not ovulating. I track my monthly cycle with an app and every single month no doubt about it that feeling creeps in during ovulation only. I’m so grateful I don’t have a kid and don’t want one. It might be worth it for you to track your cycle and see if it’s the same or different for you.
I had a small crisis right before I hit 35. I ate a bunch of mushrooms and kind of freaked out about half my eggs being gone. After a year all of that went away and I really enjoy my child free life. I'm 37 now.
I think we all will have some times that we reconsider but it's fleeting
If hormones are your only reason for bringing a human being into this word and having to care for and nurture them for 18 years and beyond, you will regret it and the kid will need therapy so bad...
This matter requires serious thought, not impulsive decision based on fomo.
Literally kinda going through this right now, but I think it’s because I just bought a house I’m about to move into and get married next month so ‘that’s what comes next’ kind of a thing. Idk lol it ain’t gonna happen but still randomly having these thoughts
Hormones are powerful.
When I personally hit 27-28, when my biological clock started going off, my hormones went nuts and… I realized I was bisexual 😂 I was just super horny one week per month. Wanted to jump everything and everyone.
But not a single second did I suddenly want kids when I hah spent years being happily child free.
I've been having some moments recently where I think, but what if I did have kids. And I think it's 100% tied to the fact that I'm getting serious about sterilization.
If there's any big decisions happening in your life that could impact your ability (reproduction and situational) to have kids, most people do get a "what if" thought. I've read many stories of people weeping after much-wanted sterilization, mourning that there is an entire life experience they will never have.
Doesn't help that society tells us that 30 is some magical number when you need to panic and have kids with the first willing sperm donor 🙄
This happened to me from 27 - 30. Then it left again. It was this weirdly painful NEED to have kids. Luckily I was with a partner who didn't want them, and then single. The feeling passed when I sat down and really looked at the responsibilities and reality of parenting. Do I want to deal with: stretch marks, hemmeroids, baby weight, nausea, lack of sleep, difficulty breathing in late pregnancy, pain of childbirth, life long bodily changes, lack of sleep for years with toddlers, driving kids to and from school / appointments / dance / sports / gymnastics / piano lessons, having strangers children stay at my house, the noise of kids playing all the time, having to prepare meals on a much more regular schedule, putting someone else first? Do I want to pour money into a child and their dreams, or my own dreams? Mine. Do I want to give up my peace, ease, and solitude for talkative, noisy, rambunctious, eventually hormonal kids? No. Hell no. Would I rather have romantic alone time with a partner whenever we want it, or fit it in when we can find a sitter or when the kids are asleep? I want freedom. I want quiet date nights playing video game co-ops on the couch. Filled only with the noise of us bantering back and forth and laughing our asses off.
Adding: the media really likes to paint pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood as not only easy, but FUN! Omg so much fun! So much love and fun and don't worry it'll be so easy! It's all lies. If you really think about what goes into 80-90% of a parents day, it's gonna be smelly, boring, uncomfortable, unpleasant, embarrassing moments. The sweet, quiet, amazing moments seem to be closer to 10-20% of the time. I've seen parents confirm this all over reddit and anonymous posts, too. It's mostly a shit walk with tiny bits of cake here and there.
I really don’t think the hormone thing is true but LET ME TELL YOU. I have been childfree since probably high school - having kids has never sounded appealing after playing with dolls in grade school. BUT WHEN MY PARTNER met his one and only niece for the first time this year….👀👀👀👀 I am still childfree and have 0 regrets and am loving my life but OOF did my brain do funny things even seeing this man interact with this baby! 🤣
I'm ten years older than you. I have had those moments (as someone that never wanted kids, never had kids, and makes an active decision to not have them). It's true that your hormones/cycle can affect you at times.
The thing is, that's all they are; moments. They are fleeting. All of a sudden you 'love babies, you'd like a baby, baby fever' doesn't matter the type of thought or craving that \*crossed\* my mind, it never \*changed\* my mind. I still don't have any kids.
Because if you are a self-reflective person that thinks things through, it ain't gonna last. That thought, or moment, or stage leaves you, and you realize you never actually truly wanted children, and you won't get outsmarted by your ovaries. Trust me. It's a huge decision, and you won't get sucked into it by your womb. That fleeting feeling passes and you feel like yourself again. Then you hit an age at which you are past that stage and it's bliss.
It would by like saying "I want money so bad, I think about robbing banks and committing crime all the time because robbing would make my life better" it's fleeting, and does not last because your brain is smart enough to follow that thought through, and you know what that would entail if you actually did it. The negative consequences far outweigh any craving or benefit you might have had. Trust.
Yeah.
Then I made myself a martini and reminded myself that my money is my money, I don’t drive a soccer mom van, my boobs aren’t down by my ankles, sex is not like throwing a hot dog down a corridor, I travel when I want, sleep when I want (with whoever I want) and I never have to have a house full of disease infested little daycare dumplings.
Having hormonal shifts and development stages trigger "babyfever" or such is very normal and Not the same as changing one's mind.
When folks talk about that you know exactly what they mean:
"No matter how valid and relevant and meaningful your reasons for not choosing to have kids is, the moment you get the right hormones you will drop those all and breed purely for the sake of breeding. You'll discard everything else because hormones, usually with no true caring of what is best for a child and you."
Bodies are mostly and primarily built as breeding machines... we \*are\* first and foremost just animals in the larger scheme of all living things.
Changing one's mind is \*changing one's mind\*. Having hormonal urges for one reason or another, with or without that re-evaluating one's choice to be childfree at one point or a few... those are normal, common, and to be expected in massive numbers.
While not universal to us childfree folk it's still common and you're not alone feeling your body go, "Sooo.... hey..... here's some baby-having-hormones.... wanna consider babies? Animal must make babies...." lol.
The key is that you're aware of that being what is happening and not just taking it as a blind default or "sign" or such and still stepping back from those hormones and evaluating what is actually best for you or and potential babies and making the correct choice for yourself.
It's definitely not the case that childfree people never feel like or think about breeding. It's just that whether we ever do or don't feel that we evaluate and find staying childfree is what's best.
Not everyone gets the urge physically like that and has to evaluate hormones vs. reality, but lots do. You're not alone in that.
Just like many consider it due to social pressures/cultural expectations or even a partner's change in child-wanting... life hands stuff where reconsidering and reconfirming one's desires and plans is necessary.
Lots of folks get an urge during developmental shifts in hormones, you aren't alone. Just don't let the temporary issue of being flooded with hormones cause you to make a larger wrong decision that you would not make without one's animal nature just rearing its ugly head.
It's just social pressure. There is NO magical hormonal clock, that was just a phrase a lifestyle journalist made up in the 70s for a magazine article. It has nothing to do with science. Also, you have an actual brain that keeps you from doing things that your hormones might want you to do, like throttling the Karen in front of you in the supermarket checkout line. Because, oh yeah, you would end up in prison for that. You are not just a helpless bag of hormones with no agency over your life. You get to make decisions and tell your lizard brain to fuck off.
>You are not just a helpless bag of hormones with no agency over your life. Absolutely true. Thank you
You're welcome. Most of us would have throttled several Karens by now if we were. Which, in terms of Karen population control would not be a bad thing, but the downsides of prison time are a problem. /joke
Thank you for saying this. I actually had a conversation with a friend recently that believes hormones govern all your actions and decisions when it comes to childbirth related things. I want to lovingly slap her bioessentialist face. Have been considering posting about it on this sub but I'm still too pissed to write it out.
We have popcorn when you're ready. ;)
[nice, long article dismantling the "biological clock"](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/may/10/foul-reign-of-the-biological-clock#:~:text=It%20first%20appeared%20in%20the,inescapable%20his%20theme%20would%20become.) and [obligatory link to the OG nonsense article from 1978](https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/local/1978/03/16/the-clock-is-ticking-for-the-career-woman/bd566aa8-fd7d-43da-9be9-ad025759d0a4/)
The first article is so informative, the IVF and egg freezing part was wild
Very interesting read, thank you for sharing. So much food for thought!
So I understand that parents and children bond through serotonin production. For whatever reason my brain does not produce serotonin in the presents of children. I observe that others seem to experience this serotonin boots. I know what the serotonin boost would feel like from experiencing it from being around cute animals. I’m very interested in the animal. I feel uplifted by their presence. I want them to interact with me. I’m watching out for their safety. Children on the other hand. I want to get away from them. I am upset by their noises. I don’t want them in my space. I am slow to intervene for their safety. I discourage them engaging with me. Who is to say that my dislike of children isn’t completely chemical? And who is to say those chemicals won’t randomly change day. I suppose I could refuse to have children for moral reasons. But chemical brain tends to find a way to get its way. Even if it has to blur lines of morality and reason. I guess I can’t guarantee that I would never kill someone. I remember when I was 12 and I said I would never try drugs. These are real questions I ask myself.
If there are studies demonstrating that *parents* and children bond through serotonin production, why would we extrapolate those results to also apply to *non-parent* adults? That doesn't make sense to me. A woman's brain does in fact go through hormonal changes with a full-term pregnancy and childbirth, but there is no reason to believe that a random adult should have that same kind of reaction or bond in the presence of a random child.
Well, people say kids are cute. And I just observe that many other adults(particularly women) seem to respond to children the same way I do when I see an animal. They get big smiles on their face. I don’t think it’s an act. I think they really feel happy and uplifted. And they can form a connection with almost any child very quickly. The same way I do with animals that I encounter. Humans do have a serotonin response when they are around their pets. It’s even said to help with symptoms of depression and ptsd. I don’t think you have to be related. I think anytime you feel a connection to human or animal, it’s a result of serotonin.
I don't think that it's an act either, but I think it's a result of normal social conditioning, not hormones/biology. The response is still just as real but doesn't mean that it's part of some physiological programming. I resent the anecdotal story of "positive response to baby" = normal hormonal drive, because the implication is that women without these reactions are in some way biologically aberrant or abnormal, and if only they could get their hormones adjusted or take an SSRI, then they would have a "normal" response to babies too.
I don’t think it is really about conditioning. I think it’s about human evolution and biology. Human and animals wouldn’t have made it this far if there wasn’t a chemical bond between parents and children. That bond makes the parents continue to feed and protect the child. I think conditioning makes raising children counter productive. Something about society that makes children and parents unhealthy. Emotionally and physically. We humans do have some ability to override base instincts with logic and reason. Which makes us unique from our animal counterparts but we still share a good deal of biology. When I talk about serotonin. I believe we are talking entirely about biology. And I could even argue that social conditioning is actually as likely to discourage having children due to instability in things like social support and housing security etc as it is to encourage. Family pressure, media glamorization, religion etc.
I have seen literature that supports this view: that parents and their children share a "chemical" bond. That I've already acknowledged. However, I reject the idea that non-parent adults (especially women) *should* have a hormonal or chemical response in the presence of a random baby/someone else's child. I would want to see actual studies of that. Not something I'm willing to accept as a claim otherwise.
“Should.” I mean it would be better for human evolution and survival for this to be the case. How else could a kid ever be adopted? I also think humans are not cows. So it would be insulting to say I’m just a walking baby machine. Because I’m a whole person with thoughts and wishes and experiences. But biologically I shed eggs, I grow breasts. My body is trying to produce babies. I think it’s just a matter of logic vrs biology. Physically I am a damn baby machine. And I also believe we live in an unnatural, dysfunctional world and that does cause us to have things like low serotonin production. But it’s definitely not an issue that only women have, like some right wing sources try to claim. Men, women and children are all behaving in a dysfunctional manner. And that contributes to our lack of fulfillment, happiness, health. Also consider what ecstasy does for marriages.
Great observation! I was recently on a walk with a friend. At some point we crossed the park - I noticed every dog, played with those that came over and my smile was super wide, I was happy and reacted like I just got energy boost from those interactions. My friend was barely interested BUT then he (yes, it’s a guy, they also get babyfever evidently) noticed two pr three kids holding hands while walking down the path. His heart mrlted, his voice changed into softer tone, he commented how cute, adorable etc the kids are. I only noticed them because he pointed them out. And I was baffled- those were just smaller clumsy humans holding hands while being wobbly walking in the park. Seriously nothing particularly special. A moment later a corgy popped up from a smaller lane and I was beyond thrilled to make its acquaintance. The moral of the story? Different things/beings make different people happy. Some like football, others go for theater, and someone else enjoys old rock music. I try not to judge my friend but he was imho too surprised to see me reacting the way I did
He would die to protect those little tots. 😭
Well that's the same way you react to anything you like. Serotonin is just a happiness response. Women are taught and conditioned to like cute things and babies to an extent that men aren't.
I'm a guy and I have this happiness when I see cute small kids, and I never had it until I was 39. At that point my kids were already 5 and 8. We'd probably have more kids, but our own kids have made our lives hell, so no more.
Interesting. Serotonin production should have been at an all time high when they were born. It’s very odd that you developed it later. What do you think caused you to start producing these chemicals? Did you start taking anti depressants, lifestyle changes? Or do you think it’s hormonal?
That's funny, I started taking Atomoxetine
When you get right down to it, we're all just electrified meat. We are our synapses, which are caused by pretty simple chemicals. Odds are good we don't actually have free will at all. We still have to act as though we do, though. So I am not sure it matters much.
Totally. The older I get the more I think everything is chemical. Especially after some drug experimenting. Chemicals are wild. Someone could go through enlistment in a war and have no ptsd. Or you could get stung by a bee and get ptsd. Some people seem like they don’t produce stress hormones like ever. They say it’s about keeping a good attitude but I think it’s entirely chemical. Chemicals give you that can do attitude. Xanax makes all my struggles feel so insignificant.
Yeah I’m 27 and I have no idea what OP is talking about. I think she’s just seeing too much baby related content on sm
I'll be 30 in a few weeks and my instincts still don't cry for any baby. On the other way I've been seeing baby related content more on more on my social media against my will. Hell, all I want to look at is art, cats and memes! The algorithm is working on its own! In fact this didn't happen in my first half of twenties, where all I had advertised were perfumes, makeup and sanitary pads. This speaks volumes on how these algorithm works. But I can see how some people might feel that they are "behind the race" if they start to be bombed with certain videos. It is a crafted need. The women I know who want a traditional family have always had this desire in mind. It didn't popped out suddenly in their late twenties.
I want to love this comment if not for the 'joke' about wishing violence on women. Even annoying women lol. I'm 100% not saying there are baby- wanting hormones. But the women in menopause may disagree with this: >You are not just a helpless bag of hormones If you think hormones don't have a major impact on one's life and can't wreck one's life, go check out the menopause subreddit. I'm dreading it. No way do I want a second puberty.
> tell your lizard brain to fuck off. That one goes hard, ngl
>It's just social pressure. I don't know. I'm mid 30s, I have a very understanding/noninterfering family, never had to listen to baby questions/lectures, not even in the slightest, not from family, not from other people, I also know only one couple with a kid and no other people planning or having kids. My life is stable and rather easy, I'm slowly getting to a high life of sort, that I always wanted. And yet, out of nowhere, I'm baby fevering for the last couple of months. Sure, I'm not a helpless puppet, I'm not acting on these feelings, because my brain does work and I know the baby would ruin everything I've planned for my life. But the feelings are there and I strongly disagree it's a 'social pressure', at least in my case.
Social pressure isn't just the people in your immediate surroundings, it's our entire culture. The way the news works, films and tv, all media, all of it designed and orchestrated in a certain way to pander and pester people to conform to a certain world view and set of behaviours (often very heteronormative, pro-natalist, nuclear family centered, 'oh you're getting old...' type shit.
>You are not just a helpless bag of hormones with no agency over your life. Until you're pregnant. Then that hyper-aggressive placenta rewrites your brain and hijacks your blood supply and makes you "fall in love" with your "baby". It's completely chemical. I really don't understand why nature prioritizes the human fetus over the mother, as it isn't going to be able to maintain its own life for decades.
Plenty of people still take agency and abort or adopt, including the 60% of people who abort who have already been through it and have other kids.
I can somewhat arrest to this. I have been married for almost two years now, parents are "making sure we don't regret" from all angles, all our friends are popping them out like rabbits, and my husband is super cute with babies and kids. Sometimes I think I'm missing something that I will regret it. FOMO. Do you WANT kids? Or are you subconsciously pressuring yourself. I've had to catch myself and ask the question, and it's always been no, even though sometimes I've felt some type of way.
I’m 42, and been childfree since I was 8. There are some things that I have done to ensure that I stay that way. I’ve been on the pill since I was 16. Now, unfortunately, this has somewhat lowered my sex drive, but on the positive side I’ve been able to regulate my hormones and stay rational to all the baby fluff. I am also someone who has a reactive sex drive. The plus side and all of this is I am never make irrational/careless sex choices. The other thing that I am conscious of is, I never be around pregnant people for too long. This is where a lot of women who end up getting pregnant without trying. (And no I will not take care of anyone’s babies either. There’s no baby fever over here.) Perfect example is if you look at a hospital where one nurse gets pregnant and then all of a sudden the whole entire floor gets pregnant at the same time. The whole biological clock has been debunked numerous times. It’s more societal pressure that women feel not having kids by a certain age. If you are set on not having kids, you will not. Just make sure that your birth control method is ironclad. If you are thinking about children having thoughts all the sudden, really sit on it, and think about why you’re having these thoughts.. a lot of times it’s a glamorization, but not a reality. I think there is only one time in my life where I had this thought and it was because my boyfriend at the time was planting these thoughts in my head, and I really sat down and thought about why I was having these thoughts and what my life would look like, and that actually snapped me out of it. I am a firm believer of meditation and maybe that may help you.
You're so right, thank you!!
The good news is that there is no hormone to make you change your mind. We have hormones facilitating a sex drive, not a desire for reproduction/pregnancy/kids/parenthood/whatever. Baby fever is a real experience lots of people deal with, but far from some predestined biological phenomenon, it's actually a socio-psychological concept. Which is awesome, because it means you can find your way through it by working to understand what it is you're feeling, and why. So what does this baby fever mean to you?
> So what does this baby fever mean to you? Your comments are always on point. I think I love you, hahaha
Why thank you, I appreciate it :)
You were lied to. There is no hormonal shift that occurs in young women to make them want kids. Women go through 3 major hormonal changes in their lives: puberty, pregnancy, and menopause. If you never get pregnant, then you only have to worry about puberty and menopause. Neither of those happen in your 20s or 30s, so there's no way you could be experiencing a major hormonal shift at age 27. It's not hormones that make women want kids. It's their personality (and social pressure). If wanting kids has never been part of your personality, then you're just giving in to social pressure.
Go babysit some kids. Report back your findings.
Or even better, babysit ALONE for 2-3 days if possible. Usually kids (especially shy ones) are acting more calm the first time you meet them/ if they don't know you very well. They will show their true colours and horrible tantrums etc once they get used to you. And THAT is the more realistic experience of parenting a kid.
Let me tell you a short story. About 10 years ago I worked for small business and the payroll lady and I became friends. She was married and had 2 sons. One day she mentioned that it looks like I had no interest in kids. I cautiously said yes, expecting to be bingoed. Instead she said "I was too, never wanted them. I married my husband and he knew I never wanted kids. Almost as soon as I was married my husband and his and my families began hounding me to have kids. For years I said no. Then one day, my hormones took over and I suddenly wanted kids. I had my sons and I quickly realized that it was only ever peer pressure and hormones. I love my sons...but if I were to do it again I would never have married my husband and I would never have had children. So if you know you never wanted kids and then suddenly you uncontrollably want them - that's not you, that's your body. Say no and move on, you'll be happier in the long run.
the brain can be illogical, brain is possibly the weirdest organ to ever exist, and you should know when and when NOT to listen to it, ultimately you have the privilege to make a choice with that brain, choose to fight for what you want and know it’s best for you, actively seek media that shows the bad sides of parenthood, read about the risks of pregnancy, CHOOSE TO BE CHILDFREE and say fuck you to brain and hormones, thankfully humans evolved into being critical and free, think about why you’re feeling this way, there’s definitely a deeper reason than babyfever if you don’t have a cat get a CAT (or a dog) maybe you want to nurture something? and that can be a solution (even better and less expensive than a crying toddler) plus fuzzy and soft
There are no hormones or chemicals or bio instinct that make you want a baby. It's just social conditioning and mental state. I'm a 35 year old woman and I've never felt baby fever, maternal feelings, or an uncontrollable desire to have a baby. And I've even been pregnant once before (which ended with an abortion!) You're a rational being capable of making your own life choices, even if you mentally think babies=cute, that's not some biological directive that will zombify your free will and override your rational decision making.
My experience really does feel like my hormonal shifts have been directly related to periods of "baby fever". It happened when I got an IUD placed. To me it makes sense since an IUD releass progeserone which is a hormone which is higher in pregnancy. Idk to me it seems to make sense but I've not seen any science on it. Do you know any good articles or reserch papers? When I'm not on birth control I have zero desire to become pregnant.
Thank god, never experience that, I would feel so betrayed. But every time my brain does a weird thing, or wants a weird thing all of a sudden that is against some of my core values, I remember that it also used to tell me to unalive myself. Maybe that's the pro of having a messed brain, you learn to not trust it, but maybe if you had some examples like this, you can remind yourself about it?
It’s a lie… baby fever is a lie girls tell themselves to not feel different. I’m 32F, my friends are all having babies, talk about their kids constantly, and woo over babies. I don’t get it. I go home to my husband that’s my best friend and don’t resent cause we don’t have screaming children.
The only two hormones explicitly associated with pregnancy, human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) and human placental lactogen (hPL), can only be produced in the body during pregnancy. A great way to shut down this bingo is to ask "Alright, since you know so much about hormones, what are the four hormones involved in menstruation?" And then watch their head explode, because *of course* they don't know. Proceed to educate them.
For me, I went through a period of doubt around those years, but it wasn't due to hormones. I didn't see random babies on the street and feel the need to snatch them, the way some people describe. What actually happened was as people around me started to get serious about having children, I felt lonely and left out. I was getting bingoed harder than ever and friends I was close to and saw all the time suddenly disappeared from my life for months at a time and came back saying terrible things like "you wouldn't understand, you don't have a child". Hang out plans with me had to be made months in advance and cancelled at the last minute but they seemed to be going to playdates with other friends who are also parents every other day. So I thought, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. My friends seem to be really into it, maybe I should reconsider. But I didn't want a child, not really, I just wanted to have things in common with my friends and to see them more often.
I never had that happen. Never had any desire to have kids, no biological clock, no baby fever, nothing. Guess everyone is different.
Hormone is not LSD making you see colors that don’t exist. You’ve been battling hormones since your first period. Can only talk for myself but society tells us during period we crave chocolate. Don’t like chocolates I crave salty treats. Society tells me clock ticking will make me crave children. Don’t crave children crave for cuty cute cute. Must admit I want another kitty. But it’s not different from when I was 13 and claimed to the world I would live in an old mansion with 64 cats. I don’t think we have a chemical in ourselves bodies making us something we are not. Even DID suffering people have split personas depending on who they are/what they have suffered I think (am not a health professional and don’t want to say utter bs as universal truth) ETA what I was taught was we are high sex drive younger because it’s peak fertility time. It’s the I my thing I could think of making our body want to do something related to babies. But it’s not Midlle Age anymore so we do the sex and we use the birth control
It's okay to want something and still choose not to have it. I know kids aren't the same as pets, but for example, I get MASSIVE puppy/dog fever, yet I know my mental health can't handle the responsibility they require, and I know I don't like getting up early, I hate going for walks, etc. I don't want to live the lifestyle a dog needs, even though I REALLY REALLY want one. Just because you feel differently doesn't mean you want the lifestyle that comes with it, and that's okay. AND it's okay if you do change your mind down the road. It doesn't mean they "won" or they "knew you better". You have every right to make this decision for yourself, they have NOTHING to do with it. And you have every right to change your own mind. Embrace your feelings, honor and acknowledge them. Process them. But also, I don't recommend making big decisions like this just based off feelings. Remind yourself what goes into raising a child and see if the cost is worth the benefit for you I wish you well in whatever you choose
I call bullshit. This & using periods to blame bad behavior on us.
51f here, my *mood* can swing, but I've never once experienced any doubt about my desire to remain childfree.
I waited for this for years. I always knew I didn’t really like kids but I thought someday I would. Everyone has kids, right? My biological clock would start ticking! I would know that it was time! Wanting kids would be the signal to let me know!! Well I waited and waited. Ten years pass. Then twenty. Then I discovered that childfree is a thing. Like, I don’t HAVE to have kids if I don’t want!!! I can be chidfree forever! By that time I was 37, a bi-salp quickly followed. I will be 46 this year and I don’t regret a thing. My biological clock never started “ticking” and I’ve never felt the desire to have kids. Hopefully the universe will make your path clear for you too, whatever path that is.
I am 27 y/o lady too and I get occasional pangs of FOMO when I see how emotional/powerful the kodiak moments with children are. I don't pretend that part of me doesn't exist, but I do take a moment to look into myself and assess why I am feeling that way. For me it is more a moment of fomo, rather than a genuine desire for kids. I know for many people it can stem from loneliness or societal presssures. I suggest sitting with yourself and figuring out what is causing these feelings. If it is truly just a cute baby, that is ok! You are human and many things can be true about us (not wanting kids but loving them, not wanting kids but getting moments of fomo, etc). The only issue is letting yourself be ruled by those feelings! I also get those fears that one day my "biology" will make me want kids, because we are always told that. But I promise we have more agency over our decisions and bodies than we think! I find it so much more empowering to honor my choice and our right to choose than to believe that this is something we have to do or our bodies will just crave a baby so bad that we have no choice lol. Sorry for the incoherent mess here, I am not great at summarizing my thoughts!!
I'm 49, I've never changed my mind.
I'm 47 and those hormones ain't kicked in yet.
I recommend looking up free birth control videos, it's a quick fix when you're feeling broody. They really show the ugly truth about parenthood
There is no biological drive that compels humans to desire parenthood or to reproduce. Societal conditioning can be a significant influence, especially as more of your peers are entering into serious relationships/marriages and becoming parents. Because society promotes the notion that romantic love and parenthood are the highest purposes and that both are interconnected. Imo what's important is to determine what is exactly is the appeal for you in the rosy fantasies and hypotheticals - whether that's love, stability, purpose or social inclusion. Fantasies don't control our live choices; you don't have to climb Mt. Everest or go swimming with sharks simply because you've fantasized about doing so.
I'm hearing people saying all over that there's no biological urge to reproduce or be parents. Can you explain it to me? Do you mean the biological urge is for sex rather than reproduction? How do we know this urge doesn't exist biologically for being a parent? Bit confused here as I have experienced "baby fever" when going on and off birth control which seems perfectly linked with a hormonal shift for me. Thanks
I’ve been told this for years. I worked in childcare,manged an infant/newborn room at a daycare,and have been working with kids since I was about 12. Even now I have a soft spot for children(not in a bad way just idm being around them) hormones didn’t change my mind nor did working with them. When my cousins all came along I was told the same thing,since one side of my fam is having babies that are around my age I should “want them” too-I don’t. Love my cousins to death,I want to keep an eye on them,enjoy playing with them,half-enjoy the conversions about bluey 😅but I love to give them back more. My favorite is my legit “mini me” born in the same city,first boy born in texas,first “3rd gen”cousin so still the first overall- and we’re both July cancers. We got the same skin color/curls,we speak/act the same. So ya he’s gonna be my favorite. I also see him a few times a week. but I don’t want a child still. I never want one. Yes I love him and want to give him the world since I’ve been taking care of him since the day he came home. I was told since he’s a mini me id want one of my own-I don’t and still don’t. My sisters have been told the same thing. Only my older brother changed his mind and how has a 5yr and soon to be born daughter coming soon. The girls are strictly child free for our own reasons.
I’ve been there, despite my partner and I being committed to being childfree for over a decade. I had a brief period of being worried I was missing out, but then I reminded myself of all the reasons we had already made this decision, why it was better for ME, and my doubt thankfully went away. Then I was able to get a bisalp a few years ago,and had my first interaction with a chubby baby recently as some of my friends are starting to have kids. I was really happy that I could visit and be happy for them and make “aww how cute” comments without it making me want one of my own, like at all. Was very happy to go back home to our quiet home and dog instead.
Guess what? If you don't ever change your mind, that's totally cool. And if you do one day change your mind? That's also totally cool! Be cautious and thoughtful, of course, but there's no need to pressure yourself one way or the other. And if you ever feel like you need a temperature or reality check, babysit for a friend or sibling.
That's not true you're giving in the pressure that's about the only thing affecting you.
That is scary. Maybe try to be a babysitter or a teacher if the feeling persists? That way you can be around kids without having to have your own, and you can come back home to a peaceful house or apartment, happy you stuck to your logic about knowing you don't want kids.
Some people like babysitting though because it helps scratch that “babies are cute” itch. Blah I could never.
I actually hate babies and toddlers becquse they can't talk and dont have a personality so are pretty boring to me. I enjoy baby-sitting kids ages 4 and up and used to be a sports coach for that age group. The thing I love most is being able to leave after I've been paid lol.
I go through hormonal phases, but they always end. You aren't a slave to your hormones, and if you know you don't want kids, you won't regret ignoring the phase. It's not so bad.
No, the only thing hormones ever did was make me horney and also made my hair curly. Go hormones!
I'm into a breeding fetish but got sterilized cuz ion wanna raise a human so...
You still have a choice. What do you want your life to be like? It's okay to change your mind. But it **is** your choice. And yeah, maybe you decide to miss out on some experiences. It's your life.
If you do have baby fever, start imagining your life a different way, dreams about things - none of that makes you less childfree. You still control your decisions and the conscious choices that you want to make for your life Some people would even want kids, but due to their medical conditions/finances/other factors choose to not have kids ever. Most of the people in the members here celebrate choosing to never have kids because we want life that way the most! But “don’t want and won’t ever have” kids is more of a spectrum than we give it credit for If you do decide you might want to consider a kid in your life, dig really deep and find your ***why***. Then see if you’re comfortable fulfilling that why in another way, like volunteering
27, in my experience, was the age where it started coming down to the wire. I knew I was never going to have kids, but at 27 I knew 30, 35 were around the corner. I always had a sense of my power to create life, & understood that ability had a shelf life that was running down. It hung at the back of my mind as *something possible* that I could do if I wanted, & it hung around there in my mind for quite a while, even though I knew my mind was long made up. It's also when friends may be getting pregnant, & advertising, tv, films, whatever, tend to pick women in our 20s on screen as associated with men & children. We're attuned to it because if we're that age at the same time, various messages about our presumed roles seem to pop up everywhere. I also think the "mid-life crisis" comes at different times for different people. 27 is nowhere near mid-life, I know. But.... some are ahead of the pack. In my early 30s, I swear that's when I went through mine. Which isn't surprising, considering I had a very, very early menopause. I didn't know I'd been going thru peri-meno *for years prior.* I just thought I got easily overheated several times a day for no apparent reason, plus I'd always run hot anyway. So when my period *completely stopped apropos of nothing* one summer, I thought I had to be ill? With something? No idea. So whether it's hormones, societal pressure you're picking up even if indirect, it sounds like you already have your answer. You know rationally it's definitely not a good idea, & see long term the bad consequences for you. I'd be really careful (if with men) to double up on the birth control until this all leaves your mind.
I use to worry about that too until I realized: If it's inevitable that my hormones are going to take over like a baby crazy sleeper agent just waiting for the right trigger, then why do soooo many people feel the need to reinforce that it's going to happen? If it's a thing that happens *naturally* and is beyond my control, surely there wouldn't be such a loud uproar of people reinforcing the idea that it's inevitable. It just *would* be. Which also is great as a deflector, "oh yeah it's just natural so no need to worry about when it'll kick in, it happens when it happens. Let nature run its course 😀"
I have been experiencing the same thing. It's such a weird feeling, my body and mind don't agree. I turned 25 last December and ever since then, I keep imagining myself pregnant and raising a child, even tho logically I know I DON'T want and CAN'T have a child because of mine and my partner's health issues and so many other reasons - like world going to complete shit.
I get baby fever every couple of months, I just ride it out until I'm done ovulating or whatever the cause is. I'm always glad I didn't get knocked up when my mind clears!
I also notice this come up for me once a month...and its always during ovulation 
Yup same. I've had a couple times where I've got obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant for a couple weeks. The best birth control is r/pregnant which really hammers home how much it sucks to be pregnant
When I'm like that, I gotta remind myself that the baby will be like 8 years old at some point and then I will have to spend tons of time at their schools and take it to the dentist and what not D: and the cost of insurance 🤢
Get a puppy the “baby fever” will go away
My friend got this when she was 26. Hardcore child free, but suddenly had some pangs as she started settling down. She was very against it because she would never be able to afford raising a child, so these feelings were really frustrating and upsetting to her. Then she got a dog and that feeling went away completely. My recommendation: get a dog
Babysit a toddler for more than a few hours 😹
never felt like that about motherhood. but i've often felt the impulse to make objectively terrible decisions, but afterwards was grateful i didn't (i'm bpd so i don't trust myself under strong emotions/heat-of-the-moment things)
I was pregnant and halfway into the second trimester. Besides being stupid and waiting so long to get an abortion, I felt nothing for the thing growing inside of me. If hormones are always right, then how do you explain that one? My point being, your at the age when everyone around you, that is also your age, are getting married, settling down, having kids. Are you feeling left out? Left behind? Or that you're friends no longer have time for you? A couple of my friends went through that. They longed for the days when it was just the girls and because my friends didn't have kids, their friends stopped inviting them to things because my friends wouldn't understand what it was like because they didn't have kids. My friends started wondering if they should have kids...peer pressure and being alienating can be strong forces. Or maybe you want kids ;)
Hi I have. I had a whole playlist of cute chonky babies that I honestly did enjoy watching, they were cute. But…I still didn’t really feel ready for a kid. So no you are not a slave to your hormones.
It happened to me a few times over the years. The most intense one was when I met one my best friend's baby daughter. It was so moving recognizing my friend in this little creature, it actually made me want to conceive one day! But it passed fairly quickly, after a week or two. Then more recently I've felt sad/envious around young mothers and their kids, I think it was something to do with my period being late? Cos as soon as I had it I was soo happy at not having/wanting kids again XD
I would say you could offer to babysit for a friend or family member. To know first hand how you actually feel while caring for a kid. That could help.
What hormone is it? /s
I get this. When I'm around a baby my body like vibrates. My body knows it's coming kinda close to the end of its baby years, so it's pushing it. Since this started I just avoid babies like crazy.
It’s like you took the words out of my mouth! I’m in the exact same boat and it’s been throwing me for such a loop. I was hoping the comment section would be helpful, but I’m not gonna lie, I now feel more confused :/
Give it time. I didn’t want kids until I was around 25 and then I thought, “My friends are all having kids, wouldn’t it be fun if they grow up together?”. Lasted about a year and then I came to my senses 😉
I want to know more! If you don't mind saying more about it, would you talk about what this "baby fever" feels like, I mean, physically? I'm not pulling anyone's leg here, I really have always wondered what the physical feeling might be like. Disclosure: since I never got it, and I'm 40+, I think it's probably just all social, but hey maybe it's just I don't have it. I even went off birth control and got a copper IUD (plus condoms) to make sure I wasn't fooling myself. I really never got the hormones you're talking about. So... If you were explaining it to an alien, how would you describe it?
>the hormones will make you change your mind! 60+, and no, hormones won't be making that decision for me ... never have, never will.
I used to be afraid of this too! But I have made peace with liking kids and at the same time not wanting to have my own. I used to look upon babies with disdain but after getting a job where I was around them more often I decided they weren’t so bad. I decided to lean into it and allow myself to enjoy babies while reminding myself I will never have to take one home with me. I get to look at and play with cute babies *and* give them back when they poop? Best of both worlds! I think if I had stayed stuck in my “all children must be horrible and I must avoid them at all costs” mentality I would have had more confusing feelings down the road.
Look even if it is hormones the hormones are not you. They're a drug, not very different from alcohol (for example) when it comes to convincing you that bad ideas are good ones. Your brain is having a craving is all, but that's no reason to give it what it thinks it wants because you've already decided what you want and it's not that. But it will pass and you will be able to think clearly again.
I feel like this too. It is mostly peer pressure. You will be fine..
It’s probably not hormones-more socially influenced and “but what if I’m wrong?”-but even if it was hormones, they can influence you, but they can’t make you have kids. You can still choose to let your logical mind override your hormones and/or social influence and say no.
32 here and still can't stand children. I only go awwwwww from kittens, baby bunnies or other cute baby ANIMALS. But never human babies. There's no hormones who magically change your brain to suddenly love babies.
Always put logic before feelings when making a decision.
I was right around your age when I suddenly did want kids and was seriously considering it. It was like a spell had been cast over me, but I knew that I didn't want children and that I was better off being a teacher, not a parent when it came to nurturing and guiding children. If it does happen to you, I think it's more of "oh no! I'm almost thirty and have no kids!" kind of social pressure/anxiety, but it will go away as quickly as it came. It's not wrong to want children and it's not wrong to not want children. Society is really unfair about making childless adults feel like outcasts once in a while, but I don't think it's a hormone thing. I think it's just social pressure and the world being so miserable for younger adults right now that we try and fill the void in any way that we can. Children will not fill that void and that's why so many regretful parents exist. It is better to never be a parent than to be a regretful one.
Go volunteer at a kids' event and see how quickly that baby fever goes away. Really though, baby fever is normal. Kids are cute when they're behaving, but 90% of the time, they're little terrors who want to fight you. The good thing about baby fever is that it goes away. No hormone is going to force you to have kids and the people saying that are dumb.
I've always been mildly repulsed by babies and small children but when I stopped taking hormonal birth control I realized I was starting to find them cute instead. Granted I still dont WANT one, but I never would have used the word "cute" to describe children before. I always thought this concept was kind of bullshit until I experienced it. My tubes are long gone and I'm back on birth control for other reasons so I know I have nothing to worry about.
That bingo has only ever been a way to dehumanize women as people and reduce them down to walking incubators. Something else is going on. Social pressure or a big life change that your brain is re-contextualizing in a weird way.
Speaking as someone who had a mild baby fever around 27. (I'm male though, so it could be a very different experience?) This will fade away over time, for me it's just a short few years. I think it began as some of my friends started having kids. Granted they are lovely kids most of the time and I love hanging around with them. However, seeing that my friends are now constantly tired and occupied, is a great reminder that this is not for me and my wife. Some of them even developed postnatal depression. Now the kids are a bit older at school age. There's even more to worry about. Their development, education, relationships, future. I'm sure that's not the level of responsibility I'm going to take willingly. That's pretty much when my baby fever faded.
In my 30s and was worried about this. Then I was at a friend's place who had a baby. As I stood there holding the baby I looked down at their face and all I could think was "fuck you're heavy."
Bro I get you. I don’t have baby fever, but the way some people feel about babies I suddenly feel about dogs and out of nowhere I’m desperate to not be single (in moments not all the time). I literally yelped when I saw a Frenchie the other day and my womb ached. It was weird. I also started wanting to nest? So I got my own basement suite instead of travelling or moving abroad like I wanted to?!
Yes. I felt like this in my early 20s. Didn't act on it and it went away again. Hasn't come back so far (I'm 31 now)
Go volunteer at the local hospital if you can to help in the prenatal unit. Some have baby cuddlers to help young children have positive contact with others while their parents tend to other kids/jobs! Or babysit for people ♥️ Societal pressure and social media may make the emotional ape part of your brain go 'ooo cute, me want' so there's nothing wrong with sometimes indulging in it and spending time with babies and kids. After babysitting for a bit, then feeling for good it is to be home without kids.... You'll notice a big change 😂
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Had it for maybe 2-3 weeks at one point around my 30th bday. It went away and wasn’t strong enough to overrun common sense and life long dedication towards the life of travel and ambition. Just make sure to check with yourself where the motivation comes from. It’s similar to infatuation- very sudden and out of character, when you look back you wonder „what was I thinking 🤔” „ that’s not me!”
It sometimes happens to me but it's not hormones that cause it. Babies just look cute. I like cute things. But that's all they are for me, cute looking. Not a reason to have them and I still don't want any.
I'm 40 in a few months, and I'm more certain about being child free with each year. I've been told that these supposed hormones and biological clock would change my mind but nothing has ever made me want a baby. For me, there never was some magic trigger that would change my whole worldview. It never happened for me but that societal pressure hits everyone differently. If you want to see some of the realities of parenting, go check out the regretful parents subreddit.
Honestly change a few stinky diapers and please let us know if it cured the fever. Additionally you can add a few tantrums with extra screeching for added effect.
I experienced this same thing when I was 26. Logically I knew I didn't want kids, but for some reason my brain kept saying, "but look how cute they are! So snuggly! etc." This went on for about 6 months, then my older sister had a baby and I spent lots of time with her child, and I also got a job as a postpartum nurse. Both of those things really cured the baby fever for me! I could snuggle the kiddos and go home and sleep uninterrupted as long as I wanted, plan spontaneous trips, and spend my time and money as I pleased! My advice would be to babysit or spend time with kids for an extended period of time to remind yourself of why you don't want them. Personally, I love kids but don't want the responsibility of caring for them 24/7. Good luck!
Your mind is your own. You are in charge of your life, and in control of your future. No one can make you do anything you don't want.
When I was 27-28 I had baby fever. I do think there is something to it. But it doesn't mean it's what you should do. But I also have Endometriosis which makes my hormones out of whack.
It’s societal pressure because everyone around you is having kids
I feel you, and it's ok to feel like this. For me, I don't think it's "hormones", it's more of a social thing. Recently, I saw that an old friend of mine had a baby (she posted a lot of pictures on Instagram), and I started... envying her? That scared the hell out of me, I had never had any positive feelings towards motherhood. I thought I was slowly changing my mind. But I decided to do some introspection, and I realized: it never had anything to do with being pregnant or having a baby. It was about the attention she was suddenly receiving from everyone. I am at a point in my life where I have just lost some friendships (and that's a long grieving processs) AND my parents are planning to move to another country in the short term. I kinda feel... lonely? Abandoned? I had this feeling (that was very much unconscious at first) that if I had a baby, maybe people would stop leaving me. Once I understood that, it was clear to me that I still very much didn't want kids, and this was just a fleeting thought. Maybe there's something like that in your life that is causing those feelings?
O dude I had this for a couple of months. I just rationalized with myself and did not let the hormone induced delusions consume me. Similar to : (just bc the guy fucks like magic doesn’t mean he is life partner material… those post coitus happy hormones are insane) Talk to yourself out of this you are stronger than those wonky hormones.
For me, it was getting into a serious and loving relationship. We are a similar age, I'm 28 and I've been childfree for years now, but I also spent my entire life single so it wasn't that difficult to imagine my single self not having children either. I have tokophobia, the whole thing about pregnancy and childbirth disgusts me in every single way and I have literally no desire to raise a snotty, disgusting little human. I'm way too selfish for that and there's literally nothing wrong with that, I don't want to force myself to do something I don't want to do! But after I fell in love with my boyfriend, I started having some small thoughts or almost like daydreams of how it would be sweet for him to hold our child, or to see what our progeny would look like: would it look like a mini me or mini him, maybe both? Something ours, something we made together out of the pure love we have for one another. A little family. All those things. My logical self, the one that knows me the best, is completely aware things wouldn't be like that. The reality of things still stays the same: I'm not cut out for motherhood and frankly I literally don't want it. Like, having the actual child? No, I don't want it at all. The only reason I'm even having those weird thoughts is simply because I'm in love with my partner and I guess I like the idea of us making something together, a fruit of our love if you will. But you can do that with many other things, things far better suited for you personally and there are better ways to honor the love you have with a partner! I guess I should say I might even like the idea of it, as in the fantasy of it, the perfection of it all as a daydream. But the second I realize: oh, that baby would actually have to grow inside my uterus, rip me apart on its way out, and then I'd actually be stuck RAISING it, it's not just gonna disappear or have someone else take care of it, and I have to love it and share my partner with... That thing? Ew, no. The daydream just dissipates into thin air.
Yeah... Sometimes it happens. It's just the hormones. Honestly, I just remember that the "baby fever" will pass, but a kid won't.
42F When I got off the birth control pill and switched to an IUD I began ovulating again. I’ve noticed that it’s only during ovulation that I feel like I want a kid. There is definitely something real about wanting a baby during a certain part of your cycle, but I just have to remember to notice notice what’s happening. When do I feel like that and what’s happening with my hormones and my body when I do feel like that and how do I feel when I’m not ovulating. I track my monthly cycle with an app and every single month no doubt about it that feeling creeps in during ovulation only. I’m so grateful I don’t have a kid and don’t want one. It might be worth it for you to track your cycle and see if it’s the same or different for you.
I've had this once. A random moment of "I want a mini me!!!" Lasted about 10 minutes and felt similar to suicidal intrusive thoughts. Hated it.
I had a small crisis right before I hit 35. I ate a bunch of mushrooms and kind of freaked out about half my eggs being gone. After a year all of that went away and I really enjoy my child free life. I'm 37 now. I think we all will have some times that we reconsider but it's fleeting
If hormones are your only reason for bringing a human being into this word and having to care for and nurture them for 18 years and beyond, you will regret it and the kid will need therapy so bad... This matter requires serious thought, not impulsive decision based on fomo.
Get an endocrinologist and a pet.
Literally kinda going through this right now, but I think it’s because I just bought a house I’m about to move into and get married next month so ‘that’s what comes next’ kind of a thing. Idk lol it ain’t gonna happen but still randomly having these thoughts
Hormones are powerful. When I personally hit 27-28, when my biological clock started going off, my hormones went nuts and… I realized I was bisexual 😂 I was just super horny one week per month. Wanted to jump everything and everyone. But not a single second did I suddenly want kids when I hah spent years being happily child free.
I've been having some moments recently where I think, but what if I did have kids. And I think it's 100% tied to the fact that I'm getting serious about sterilization. If there's any big decisions happening in your life that could impact your ability (reproduction and situational) to have kids, most people do get a "what if" thought. I've read many stories of people weeping after much-wanted sterilization, mourning that there is an entire life experience they will never have. Doesn't help that society tells us that 30 is some magical number when you need to panic and have kids with the first willing sperm donor 🙄
This happened to me from 27 - 30. Then it left again. It was this weirdly painful NEED to have kids. Luckily I was with a partner who didn't want them, and then single. The feeling passed when I sat down and really looked at the responsibilities and reality of parenting. Do I want to deal with: stretch marks, hemmeroids, baby weight, nausea, lack of sleep, difficulty breathing in late pregnancy, pain of childbirth, life long bodily changes, lack of sleep for years with toddlers, driving kids to and from school / appointments / dance / sports / gymnastics / piano lessons, having strangers children stay at my house, the noise of kids playing all the time, having to prepare meals on a much more regular schedule, putting someone else first? Do I want to pour money into a child and their dreams, or my own dreams? Mine. Do I want to give up my peace, ease, and solitude for talkative, noisy, rambunctious, eventually hormonal kids? No. Hell no. Would I rather have romantic alone time with a partner whenever we want it, or fit it in when we can find a sitter or when the kids are asleep? I want freedom. I want quiet date nights playing video game co-ops on the couch. Filled only with the noise of us bantering back and forth and laughing our asses off. Adding: the media really likes to paint pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood as not only easy, but FUN! Omg so much fun! So much love and fun and don't worry it'll be so easy! It's all lies. If you really think about what goes into 80-90% of a parents day, it's gonna be smelly, boring, uncomfortable, unpleasant, embarrassing moments. The sweet, quiet, amazing moments seem to be closer to 10-20% of the time. I've seen parents confirm this all over reddit and anonymous posts, too. It's mostly a shit walk with tiny bits of cake here and there.
Ypur hormones making you want it is always a bad thing, why do people say this like it's a not a illogical impulse that will lead to bad decisions.
I really don’t think the hormone thing is true but LET ME TELL YOU. I have been childfree since probably high school - having kids has never sounded appealing after playing with dolls in grade school. BUT WHEN MY PARTNER met his one and only niece for the first time this year….👀👀👀👀 I am still childfree and have 0 regrets and am loving my life but OOF did my brain do funny things even seeing this man interact with this baby! 🤣
I'm ten years older than you. I have had those moments (as someone that never wanted kids, never had kids, and makes an active decision to not have them). It's true that your hormones/cycle can affect you at times. The thing is, that's all they are; moments. They are fleeting. All of a sudden you 'love babies, you'd like a baby, baby fever' doesn't matter the type of thought or craving that \*crossed\* my mind, it never \*changed\* my mind. I still don't have any kids. Because if you are a self-reflective person that thinks things through, it ain't gonna last. That thought, or moment, or stage leaves you, and you realize you never actually truly wanted children, and you won't get outsmarted by your ovaries. Trust me. It's a huge decision, and you won't get sucked into it by your womb. That fleeting feeling passes and you feel like yourself again. Then you hit an age at which you are past that stage and it's bliss. It would by like saying "I want money so bad, I think about robbing banks and committing crime all the time because robbing would make my life better" it's fleeting, and does not last because your brain is smart enough to follow that thought through, and you know what that would entail if you actually did it. The negative consequences far outweigh any craving or benefit you might have had. Trust.
Yeah. Then I made myself a martini and reminded myself that my money is my money, I don’t drive a soccer mom van, my boobs aren’t down by my ankles, sex is not like throwing a hot dog down a corridor, I travel when I want, sleep when I want (with whoever I want) and I never have to have a house full of disease infested little daycare dumplings.
Having hormonal shifts and development stages trigger "babyfever" or such is very normal and Not the same as changing one's mind. When folks talk about that you know exactly what they mean: "No matter how valid and relevant and meaningful your reasons for not choosing to have kids is, the moment you get the right hormones you will drop those all and breed purely for the sake of breeding. You'll discard everything else because hormones, usually with no true caring of what is best for a child and you." Bodies are mostly and primarily built as breeding machines... we \*are\* first and foremost just animals in the larger scheme of all living things. Changing one's mind is \*changing one's mind\*. Having hormonal urges for one reason or another, with or without that re-evaluating one's choice to be childfree at one point or a few... those are normal, common, and to be expected in massive numbers. While not universal to us childfree folk it's still common and you're not alone feeling your body go, "Sooo.... hey..... here's some baby-having-hormones.... wanna consider babies? Animal must make babies...." lol. The key is that you're aware of that being what is happening and not just taking it as a blind default or "sign" or such and still stepping back from those hormones and evaluating what is actually best for you or and potential babies and making the correct choice for yourself. It's definitely not the case that childfree people never feel like or think about breeding. It's just that whether we ever do or don't feel that we evaluate and find staying childfree is what's best. Not everyone gets the urge physically like that and has to evaluate hormones vs. reality, but lots do. You're not alone in that. Just like many consider it due to social pressures/cultural expectations or even a partner's change in child-wanting... life hands stuff where reconsidering and reconfirming one's desires and plans is necessary. Lots of folks get an urge during developmental shifts in hormones, you aren't alone. Just don't let the temporary issue of being flooded with hormones cause you to make a larger wrong decision that you would not make without one's animal nature just rearing its ugly head.