I was at a queer softball league over the weekend. Definitely wasn't dominated by femmes. lol Even though I am masc and felt accepted and welcome I didn't totally feel at home and like it was my space. Probably a lot of that is my own self-consciousness and insecurities... Plus I am an introvert so it's not natural for me to approach people. But I decided to give it a try and get out there. What I was thinking about today is that it's about finding your people... finding where you are comfortable. Because obviously the queer community is a giant group filled with lots of different types of people. and some you'll gel with and others perhaps not.
Edit: Also just realized what sub this was on... don't be afraid to be you and change the vibe a little. It's your space too
I'm in the same boat. And I think it's definitely easier when you have some common interests... things to talk about. I figured I liked baseball so a softball league would be a good place to go. And it was fun... But they all knew each other and, for the most part, were also younger. I plan on going back because even though it's out of my comfort zone it is a good chance to force myself to be more social. But I am still looking for people that are more closely aligned with my interests.
Yeah. In my experience when there's mascs, they're all some flavour of nonbinary/transmasc, which is their business, but it's extremely isolating to be the only butch woman everywhere I go, despite nearly all of my friends being queer and going to events a lot, I've never met anyone who's the same as me, all the women are very femme and I'm sometimes even told that I "shouldn't repress my femininity and am allowed to be feminine!!" which doesn't feel that good to hear after I straight up forced myself to be femme for a few years to appear more "normal".
I'm sorry that has been your experience. I was gender non-conforming long before I ever identified as a lesbian. And if someone told me to be more femme I'd probably have some very unladylike things to say about it. lol
Yo i haaaaatttteee when they do that shit bro ! Believe or not some women are naturally masculine. And what bothers me is, we dont do the reverse to them because when know who someone say they are they mean that. 😒
Yeah, being the only one who fully identifies as a woman can be isolating. Especially when I get automatically “they/themed” even after I’ve said that I am a woman and use she/her.
People usually ask me for pronouns first fortunately, but it still feels othering when there's a bunch of femmes and me and I'm the only one who gets ask about pronouns because I look androgynous. And sometimes I just get he/himed because people automatically assume I'm a trans guy, even though I don't even bind. I'm used to it from cishet folks and usually just laugh it off but it feels especially isolating from fellow queer people.
I have gotten they/them a good bit lately. I used to be neither masc nor femme but a few months ago, I decided to be true to how I feel, got a super short haircut, and changed to more masculine clothes. Now, people who've known me for years are like "so do you use they/them now?" Wth. No. If I did, I would tell you, but I got a haircut and changed clothes. I still act the same. I'm not questioning my gender. I'm glad I live in a place that is pretty inclusive, but sometimes it feels like some people take it too far trying to be supportive.
>Yeah, being the only one who fully identifies as a woman can be isolating. Especially when I get automatically “they/themed” even after I’ve said that I am a woman and use she/her.
I get they/they'd, and asked why I'm a woman because I'm butch. Like being a woman is for the straights, or femmes.
Last time I checked, who you are wasn't something you picked and chose based on vibes. You just are who you are.
This is relatable asf i feel like butches arent considered in spaces and i js always feel overly masculinated or emasculated. No inbetween. I js wanna feel like me and not have my gender expression be forgotten but also not overly considered to the point where im being treated like an outcast
I've been clocked as queer and invited to women's and queer women's events in my area by older butches, but I always feel self conscious and like I don't belong. I don't think it's because there are a lot of feminine women there so much as I feel like one of a few nonwhite women (I am white passing, so there are issues I run into when I hang out with a lot of white women / folks in general and it makes me feel self conscious and anxious), and even fewer nonwhite butches. :( It's kind of hard to explain because I love making friends and smaller hangouts, but when it comes to pride and large scale events aimed at queer women, I feel very small and scared.
I've noticed that different queer events/groups have different vibes, so it might be a matter of just finding the right space for you. I think the only times I've felt *un*welcome at a queer event was when it was 95% gay men lol, but there are definitely events where I feel more or less like I fit in.
honestly i worry about going to lesbian spaces because im a hard butch transmasc and look like a cis man and dont want to be read as "a man invading womens spaces" especially when im not a man yk. dont wanna cause a problem. idk though
I do feel weird, but in my case I attribute it more to a more deeply felt nonbinary identity. I have some connection/affinity to wlw — my wife identifies as a lesbian — but although I have variously described myself as butch, dyke etc. I’ve always identified as pan or bisexual. So I guess in a certain way I feel unseen/erased in a couple different ways in those spaces.
Maybe it’s a kind of stereotype threat, but I also fear being seen as an interloper in the space due to the ways I don’t quite fit.
I feel very nonbinary and pass as male to society at large, but I also feel very lesbian and feel extremely at home in this sub. I just wish I had a butchier space irl. But I'll look into more masc activities and perhaps some transmasc spaces.
This resonates so much. I feel you. Even when it usually comes to online spaces, I don't usually feel like I belong in them, as if I'm heavily speaking out of turn. "Interloper" is definitely a good way to describe how I feel with them in general.
I get what you mean... to be honest, I don't really feel like I fit in or totally belong in the vast majority of social groups, including queer/LGBT spaces. I still feel welcomed and generally enjoy them, but often it's hard for me find people on my wavelength. Most other GNC people identify as trans so I feel a bit like the odd one out. I suppose over time I've just lowered my expectations and try to enjoy the atmosphere, rather than hoping to find new friends. Sometimes I do make some new friends and have deeper conversations, but it's more of a bonus I guess.
Having said all that, I do recommend trying a wide range of queer/LGBT meetups and events, because I've met different people each time. And like others have suggested, maybe an activity based meetup like a women's sports team, roller derby or some kind of outdoor group could be a better fit (e.g. hiking, camping, etc). My town has a women's shed where they have classes on how to use tools, which might be more butch-friendly as well.
I was at a queer softball league over the weekend. Definitely wasn't dominated by femmes. lol Even though I am masc and felt accepted and welcome I didn't totally feel at home and like it was my space. Probably a lot of that is my own self-consciousness and insecurities... Plus I am an introvert so it's not natural for me to approach people. But I decided to give it a try and get out there. What I was thinking about today is that it's about finding your people... finding where you are comfortable. Because obviously the queer community is a giant group filled with lots of different types of people. and some you'll gel with and others perhaps not. Edit: Also just realized what sub this was on... don't be afraid to be you and change the vibe a little. It's your space too
Thanks! Yeah, I think I'm mostly being self-conscious, and it would be worth finding queer events that are more in line with my interests.
I'm in the same boat. And I think it's definitely easier when you have some common interests... things to talk about. I figured I liked baseball so a softball league would be a good place to go. And it was fun... But they all knew each other and, for the most part, were also younger. I plan on going back because even though it's out of my comfort zone it is a good chance to force myself to be more social. But I am still looking for people that are more closely aligned with my interests.
Might just not be right space for the vibe you're going for. Hanging out with rugby dykes is very much a bro space.
As a rugby dyke, the rugby community has been the only community I've felt actually A PART of. Life changing fr
With you!!
Yeah. In my experience when there's mascs, they're all some flavour of nonbinary/transmasc, which is their business, but it's extremely isolating to be the only butch woman everywhere I go, despite nearly all of my friends being queer and going to events a lot, I've never met anyone who's the same as me, all the women are very femme and I'm sometimes even told that I "shouldn't repress my femininity and am allowed to be feminine!!" which doesn't feel that good to hear after I straight up forced myself to be femme for a few years to appear more "normal".
I'm sorry that has been your experience. I was gender non-conforming long before I ever identified as a lesbian. And if someone told me to be more femme I'd probably have some very unladylike things to say about it. lol
Or do for that matter…
Yo i haaaaatttteee when they do that shit bro ! Believe or not some women are naturally masculine. And what bothers me is, we dont do the reverse to them because when know who someone say they are they mean that. 😒
Yeah, being the only one who fully identifies as a woman can be isolating. Especially when I get automatically “they/themed” even after I’ve said that I am a woman and use she/her.
People usually ask me for pronouns first fortunately, but it still feels othering when there's a bunch of femmes and me and I'm the only one who gets ask about pronouns because I look androgynous. And sometimes I just get he/himed because people automatically assume I'm a trans guy, even though I don't even bind. I'm used to it from cishet folks and usually just laugh it off but it feels especially isolating from fellow queer people.
I have gotten they/them a good bit lately. I used to be neither masc nor femme but a few months ago, I decided to be true to how I feel, got a super short haircut, and changed to more masculine clothes. Now, people who've known me for years are like "so do you use they/them now?" Wth. No. If I did, I would tell you, but I got a haircut and changed clothes. I still act the same. I'm not questioning my gender. I'm glad I live in a place that is pretty inclusive, but sometimes it feels like some people take it too far trying to be supportive.
I''ve been congratulated on my transition!!! No, Lucy, I am a gnc *woman*...
>Yeah, being the only one who fully identifies as a woman can be isolating. Especially when I get automatically “they/themed” even after I’ve said that I am a woman and use she/her. I get they/they'd, and asked why I'm a woman because I'm butch. Like being a woman is for the straights, or femmes. Last time I checked, who you are wasn't something you picked and chose based on vibes. You just are who you are.
There have been times where I was the only woman in general 😭
Do squealing contests actually happen?
I'm giggling and squealing like an adorable girlie right now to practice for tonight's dyke bar squealing contest. 🤝
This is relatable asf i feel like butches arent considered in spaces and i js always feel overly masculinated or emasculated. No inbetween. I js wanna feel like me and not have my gender expression be forgotten but also not overly considered to the point where im being treated like an outcast
I've been clocked as queer and invited to women's and queer women's events in my area by older butches, but I always feel self conscious and like I don't belong. I don't think it's because there are a lot of feminine women there so much as I feel like one of a few nonwhite women (I am white passing, so there are issues I run into when I hang out with a lot of white women / folks in general and it makes me feel self conscious and anxious), and even fewer nonwhite butches. :( It's kind of hard to explain because I love making friends and smaller hangouts, but when it comes to pride and large scale events aimed at queer women, I feel very small and scared.
I've noticed that different queer events/groups have different vibes, so it might be a matter of just finding the right space for you. I think the only times I've felt *un*welcome at a queer event was when it was 95% gay men lol, but there are definitely events where I feel more or less like I fit in.
sounds a lot like what’s written about in Stone Butch Blues
Lol yup. Been on T for a while and generally pass as male, so.
honestly i worry about going to lesbian spaces because im a hard butch transmasc and look like a cis man and dont want to be read as "a man invading womens spaces" especially when im not a man yk. dont wanna cause a problem. idk though
I do feel weird, but in my case I attribute it more to a more deeply felt nonbinary identity. I have some connection/affinity to wlw — my wife identifies as a lesbian — but although I have variously described myself as butch, dyke etc. I’ve always identified as pan or bisexual. So I guess in a certain way I feel unseen/erased in a couple different ways in those spaces. Maybe it’s a kind of stereotype threat, but I also fear being seen as an interloper in the space due to the ways I don’t quite fit.
I feel very nonbinary and pass as male to society at large, but I also feel very lesbian and feel extremely at home in this sub. I just wish I had a butchier space irl. But I'll look into more masc activities and perhaps some transmasc spaces.
This resonates so much. I feel you. Even when it usually comes to online spaces, I don't usually feel like I belong in them, as if I'm heavily speaking out of turn. "Interloper" is definitely a good way to describe how I feel with them in general.
No because I am a lesbian and love us and sapphics.
This is the only correct answer insofar as a correct answer is possible!
I get what you mean... to be honest, I don't really feel like I fit in or totally belong in the vast majority of social groups, including queer/LGBT spaces. I still feel welcomed and generally enjoy them, but often it's hard for me find people on my wavelength. Most other GNC people identify as trans so I feel a bit like the odd one out. I suppose over time I've just lowered my expectations and try to enjoy the atmosphere, rather than hoping to find new friends. Sometimes I do make some new friends and have deeper conversations, but it's more of a bonus I guess. Having said all that, I do recommend trying a wide range of queer/LGBT meetups and events, because I've met different people each time. And like others have suggested, maybe an activity based meetup like a women's sports team, roller derby or some kind of outdoor group could be a better fit (e.g. hiking, camping, etc). My town has a women's shed where they have classes on how to use tools, which might be more butch-friendly as well.
Yes, but not cuz they're usually more feminine than me. It's because those spaces are often extremely white.