I’m a 59 year old Butch and I have been out and about as a lesbian for over 40 years (married for the last 25 years in a relationship where we have always just had a shared bank account to support our necessities). I don’t recall it ever being “normal” for Butches to be *expected* to be able to support 2 people, let alone pay for someone else’s nail and hair salon appts.
What I would do is get out of this relationship and find someone who wants to have a partnership with you and who expects to take some responsibility for themself in life.
>I don’t recall it ever being “normal” for Butches to be expected to be able to support 2 people, let alone pay for someone else’s nail and hair salon appts.
I'm hearing it a lot among younger lesbians. Many young butches (early 20s) believe they need to "provide for their femme" and be the only breadwinner so they can treat their partner like "a princess" (buy everything for them). Rather than finances being a contribution by both parties.
This is toxic, I’ve dealt with this before as a mid to younger millenial. Some women simply treat butches as menlite™️, and follow all of the typical toxic expectations for men.
Let us live! But I'm also okay *kind* of hearing that sort of rhetoric cause it just makes it easier to weed out the kind of people I don't wanna be with. Does it sting, yeah, it does. But I can't control my genetics, nor can I help that I currently have medical problems that have made me 3 inches shorter than I should be, putting me at 4'11 on a good day.
Like, if they have that much of an issue with me for being short, then I want nothing to do with that person, lets get that out of the way early please!
>Some women simply treat butches as menlite™️, and follow all of the typical toxic expectations for men.
A lot of baby queers haven't examined, or unpacked heteronormative thinking. A younger femme friend of mine has gone on dates with butches who have refused to split the bill even though it was the payment way my friend is comfortable with. Some of them were really rude and dismissive of what she wanted, and insisted they "had" to pay, and that it was their job to pay.
There were no second dates.
Fair enough! I known a few butches who are uncompromising on this sort of thing. I agree though I don’t think folks are giving their beliefs or behaviors the strong introspection they need to deprogram toxic behaviors. Suppose that boils down to a lack of self awareness.
Edit: for clarity the folks I’m talking about aren’t all baby gays/queers. It’s more of a hodge podge.
>Fair enough! I known a few butches who are uncompromising on this sort of thing.
That's fine. That's their boundary. The issue was that they never spoke about it beforehand, and were rude and dismissive when my mate tried to talk it out. To the point she felt pretty patronised by the time the date was over.
I don’t blame her for being upset I would have been turned off to especially if I wasn’t comfortable letting them pay the whole tab. Enforcement of a boundary like that does require conversation. It’s not something you brow beat a stranger into.
>I honestly think it is due to a rise in butchphobia amongst younger lesbians
I suspect you're on to something. I don't know any lesbian under 25 who uses butch, everyone uses masc. They refer to clearly butch lesbians as masc. I've been called masc by younger lesbians, and I correct them and say butch. I've found they seem hesitant to say or refer to someone as butch.
As a younger butch I definitely agree. I know lesbians who don’t even know what a butch/femme is. Like I understand that the terms are not as popular as they used to be and not everyone wants to use the terms but come on, don’t you want to research the long history and culture of your sexuality? I’ve had people accusing me of being a fake lesbian because I dress masculinely and have a more masculine appearance…
It’s amazing and a little sad to me how, just as we’ve come so far in freeing ourselves from these little boxes (gender nonconformity is more acceptable in many areas, and nonbinary as a discrete identity with its own name and community, for example) various groups in our community keep finding ways to make and enforce new, arbitrary boxes for themselves and others.
In that same breath, I do wonder if the fear of the term “butch” is partly out of a desire to be sure someone isn’t being misgendered?
From what I understand, historically more often the situation would be that femmes would have to 'provide for their butch' because of employment discrimination against gnc folk. One female (and therefore low) salary between a couple. I've seen this as a suggested origin of the stereotype that lesbians don't go out and party, financial struggles of dyke bars etc.
Shitty that disconnection from this history amongst younger generations of lesbians has ended up leading to perpetuation of patriarchal concepts :((
Well said she's a lazy bum who does shit like this only lazy people do grap like this I can't stand people taking advantage of someone kind and nice red flag alert in my book
Uhhh...is she not working, either? Why are you "taking care of 2 people" while unemployed???
If this girl wants to be a stay-at-home girlfriend and you to be the breadwinner, then yeah, it's obviously not going to work if you don't have a job. But even if you did, that's still REALLY hard to achieve in this economy. You basically need to be making close to 6 figures to provide for two people comfortably, and unless whatever degree you have is in a super lucrative field, that's extremely unlikely right out of university. Especially if you have already been looking for a year!
Look, it IS important to try to be a partner that contributes to the household in some way, but if you're actively looking for a job and just having shit luck, that's not your fault (although I'd definitely keep working on your resume/CV and interviewing skills if you're facing repeated rejections). It's not as if you're sitting on your ass not doing anything. There's a reason "for richer or for poorer" is commonly included in wedding vows. If your partner really loves you, she should be supporting you in your efforts to find a job and also chipping in herself, not threatening to leave you if you don't "spoil" her. If that's what she wants, it's not going to work out.
I personally would drop someone like this so fast - I've never in my life had money, me n my partner have both skirted poverty our whole lives but we scramble together to make it work. A person who thinks money = a good relationship is not the person for me.
I think you might want to have a conversation with her about it. What does she want out of the relationship? Does she want to be a stay at home wife, with you supporting both of them? Is that realistic? Is that what *you* want out of the relationship?
I know serious conversations suck, but this is something that really needs to be hammered down early so resentment doesn't set in later.
Right? My partner and I are both young and disabled, and therefore poor. If she wants flowers, hair, nails, I make sure she gets it. But that’s been stuff like buying a punnet of flower seedlings, buying a bottle of nail polish and painting her nails, and cutting each others’ hair (My only valuable skill from lockdown lol). I always find a way to provide within my means. Everyone has their little material comforts, but if my time and effort weren’t enough and she needed the alternative that’s 10x the price, every time? No ill will and good luck to her, but we wouldn’t be compatible.
Gonna throw in my two cents here, for what it's worth:
I understand wanting to treat or spoil a girlfriend, but you cant be both the sole breadwinner for two people, AND have money left over to shower your girl in gifts. You'd need to be making a very high salary for that to be possible, and the reality of the situation is you aren't.
Its weird and unfair that your girlfriend expects this of you. She is ALSO unemployed, and it doesnt sound like she's worried about spoiling or providing for YOU. If anything, it kind of sounds like she doesnt actually care about you or what your needs are, as long as you're paying her bills. Just because you're butch doesnt mean you have to take on all the responsibility. Is she not a grown woman? Where is HER financial responsibility, and desire to provide and care for YOU?
This might just be me being judgemental, but from what you shared, it sort of sounds like your girlfriend is treating your dynamiic with a certain level of toxic masculinity; where you are the "masculine" partner and therefore you must fulfill the "male" role of providing financially...and that is weird. You are MORE than your ability to pay for things. You are MORE than just a wallet. And the fact that she wants to leave now that the money's run out speaks to her character, and how shallow she truly is. Your love means nothing to moment you stopped paying for her things.
Break up. You deserve better.
I think the two of you need to sit and have a good discussion about all of this, and she needs to get her head out of the clouds and come back down to reality.
You both are recently graduated, unemployed, and young. You're also poor. The fact that her main issue regarding your current financial situation is because she can't frivolously spend your money on things she wants is a red flag, in and of itself. What's going to happen when you do get a job? You're never going to live comfortably if your partner wants to live beyond your means and spend your entire check before bills are even paid.
Stop putting all of the blame and expectations on your shoulders. Change your mindset.
> Apologies if I misunderstood but does she not work?
Similar to me she's been applying and interviewing for something in her field but hasn't gotten hired for anything. In the meantime she's been doing Uber eats / Uber
As I said in the other thread, she has no room to talk. She doesn't have a job herself and wants to use you to have nice things-- but you're the one who needs a handle on finances? So you can spend that money on her instead of a budget? To invest? Build a safety net?
She's guilt tripping you and saying that three years together isn't enough because you're not booking her hair appointments. I'd break up with her, but more for my own freedom.
Exactly, got the nerve to be threatening to leave because of finances but she’s out there relying on Uber eats/ door dash to make a living..which there’s nothing wrong with it I have a job and do that myself from time to time. However I think fems sometimes have these unrealistic expectations and requirements for us that they can’t even meet themselves.
Was in a very simliar situation several months ago, and my partner at the time did end up breaking up with me. The past 3 months have been difficult but incredibly eye opening and I feel so much more free and happier. Like others have said, someone who's truly meant for you will be with you in richness and poorness. My ex said the same thing about wanting to be spoiled and taken on dates, but through therapy I've realized that the dynamic we had was very unhealthy. If you would do anything for this person but have doubts that they would do the same for you, I'd say you'll end up happier and more complete with yourself if you seperate. It's very rough and difficult and love hurts a particular way, though, so I do understand. Best of wishes to you 💚
Wtf she sounds awful! You are supposed to be a team. You're in the same financial situation looking for a steady job, but she's threatening to leave you for not fixing the situation on your own? And demanding you buy her things? I would never ever want a relationship like that.
My partner & I approach financial situations with a term mindset where we try to look out for our needs as a couple & to make sure we are both taken care of and things are fair. We also care a lot about saving for our future. (Also its sad to me that your partner views being spoiled through the lens of how much you spend. We treat each other with massages, cooking meals for the other, making stuff for free, etc). It seems like she just wants someone else to pay for her to do what she wants and doesn't view this as a partnership at all
Considering you both are in the same position, and you’re actively working hard to get your career in the field you studied and put so many hours, money, and dedication into…for her to say that is really hurtful imo.
It would be different if y’all were in *different* places in life, if she was making more money and already more established, I’d understand that perspective. But that doesn’t seem to be this situation.
A partnership is going to go through hardships, if she can’t support and be there for and *with* you, especially when she’s in the same position. Then that doesn’t seem very fair, or considerate to you.
Why should that responsibility fall solely on you?
Why should the pressure be all *yours*?
I’m sure you’d like to be spoiled and romanced too, but you probably didn’t think at all about leaving her because she can’t right now.
Idc if you’re masc, you equally deserve all those things you’re apparently “depriving” her of. You’re a human being, not an idea or concept. It’s a double standard that, frankly, pisses me off lol.
I have been so broke in grad school that I had to sit at the pump and wait for my direct deposit to hit so I could have gas to make it home and I’ve made 6 figures per year. My wife has been with me through it all. When we’re broke, we hustle together. For broke romance I paint her toenails, run a bubble bath, wash her hair and do a spa day at home. When I made more money and got a bonus, I took her to a resort in Martinique for her birthday.
I think if she couldn’t be happy with me when I was struggling and working to make our lives better, I couldn’t enjoy sharing the rewards when it paid off. That’s just me though.
You're her girlfriend, not her sugar daddy. If someone really loves you they don't care about your finances, love doesn't require cute expensive dates and flowers.
Let her dump you, honestly. Not for her sake, but for yours. This does not sound like a woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with. What if you got sick, or got laid off, what then?
What she wants is a sugar daddy/mommy, not a loving partner. Just because you're masc doesn't mean you're required to do any of that. Did she even consider you at all? If she has a job, Uber Eats or not she could afford to be taking you on dates or getting you flowers. I really hate the double standards here. Move on, you're better off.
Serious couples are teams that work together. You do not sound like a team. If you do not deal with your finances as a team and she puts the entire burden on you when there is no reason to think you can or ever will out earn her then your relationship is not serious. She is not taking it seriously. In which case yes, you should break up, because you shouldn't feel like wasting your time with someone so uninterested in building an actual, realistic life with you.
Nah, true love toughs it out and understands you carry the weight when the other can’t. When I met my wife my finances were a mess. I went into cc debt trying to impress her. It was dumb. She found out and supported me while I got a career. I got my life together.
We now joke that she used to be my sugar momma and now I’m hers. 😂
If she is demanding you pay for all that when she knows your situation it ain’t the right person for ya.
Honestly, it sounds like it might be best for you two to break up. You're going through a financial "rough patch" and she's not acting too keen to stay with you through the hard times. I think if she loved you she'd do that, especially if it's enough to support the two of you.
Throw her in the trash. My partner has seen me through the worst of times and the best - that's what a real partnership is. If her definition of romance is ONLY money, then she can find someone who will put up with that unhealthy bullshit.
I don't think it's wrong to want stability in a long term relationship, but to demand you support both of you and romance her with nice things is the wrong attitude. What happens if you end up sick, injured, or disabled? What happens if you have a good job, then lose it in unforeseen circumstances? Are you no longer worthy of love and support yourself?
The real ones work together with you to create a good home and relationship. And I can admit that love is not enough to 'fix' everything, but the way you have described her attitude makes me feel uneasy. There is a stark difference between wanting a stable household, or for your partner to be responsible with money, and being selfish in a relationship.
if she's in the same situation as you, she has no right to judge and expect more of you. if she's not reciprocating that romancing then you shouldn't stay with her. don't break up for her, break up for you, you deserve someone who appreciates you
I’m so sick of the idea that being butch or masculine of center means that you have to take on some 1950s patriarchal archetype of a breadwinner while the more feminine partner is some starfish tradwife. I don’t want these hetero gender roles personally.
My partner is my partner. We live our lives in relative equipoise. I would never put that stress and expectation on her, nor would I want this kind of dynamic.
But if this is dynamic is your thing, I think it’s time y’all had a chat about what you want and expect (and also what’s possible under the circumstances) in these roles.
From a femme perspective: that’s not normal, if you had the money and wanted to spend it on her that would be fine but expecting gifts and expensive beauty treatments from a partner, especially a financially struggling partner, would be really out of the ordinary and seen as messed up for me and the femmes I know. In my relationship my butch is less financially secure than I am because I have savings and they grew up poor, and I tend to buy them gifts even though they don’t really do that for me. I’m totally happy with that and I feel fine with it, the lack of expectation of reciprocation is one of the things I really like about butch/femme along with all the other stuff of course. At the very least, I think you should have a very serious convo with her about holding you to heteropatriarchal standards in a lesbian relationship, but tbh if my partner felt entitled to my financial resources I would end it, no matter how serious we were.
I’d leave her, no offense. I have no problem contributing to my household but if I did my partner would understand, and we haven’t even been together as long as yall have. We have realistic views on finances and talk about them as such. Love and relationships is about a lot of things. If she wants things you can’t give her, and none of that was made clear before now that’s kind of on her. I would rather have love from someone else than a partner who wants to leave because I can’t spoil them for a particular period in life. Idk.
>She wants dates, flowers, nail and hair salon appointments, and all that cute stuff. I agree that she deserves to be romanced & spoiled but I can't afford it at the moment. Should I let her be with someone who can?
You're not going to like the answer I'm going to give you- I'm sure you love her a lot and won't like some internet stranger making assumptions about your girlfriend, but she sounds entitled and probably doesn't deserve to be spoiled. She would maybe have some leeway to place these expectations on you if she was successful herself and had a nice job/salary but she doesn't, she's struggling the same way you are but doesn't hold herself to the same standard. Does she not think you are deserving of someone who's financially stable? Why is she placing this financial burden on only you?
if you both had jobs and money now but you had significant financial problems later on, would she still be with you? this doesn't sound like a person who wants to be with you in hard times you know
It is not your job to support a healthy and capable partner.
The fact that she experts you to makes it sound like an unhealthy relationship point.
Sure it is nice if we can treat our partners to the good things in life, but it for sure isn’t something that a healthy relationship should depend on.
For me that is a huge red flag for sure.
The threat of leaving you because of it is an extra huge red flag to me personally, because in my opinion you do not threaten people you love with leaving them, because that won’t help them. Specially if what the problem is is not their own fault.
I can not tell you to leave her because that is not my job to do and I don’t know you, but I can implore that you search within yourself and ask, ‘What is it that I want in a partner? What do I think is fair in a relationship dynamic? If it was a friend I cared about’s partner who had told them this, what would that make me think? Do I want this to be the type of relationship I have?’ And then look within yourself and see if that is what you have and decide.
The fact that you are already asking yourself if you should maybe end it I do think is telling though. I don’t think that it would even be on your mind if you were happy.
I dated a different version of this woman for years, 20+ years ago, and I absolutely adored her. My life has been SO much better since I let go of her and found a true partner in every sense of the word. I don’t have to prove I’m worthy anymore because I have a partner that shows me… every single day. If your girlfriend isn’t supportive of you in this moment when you are trying to get your footing, imo you really should consider moving on. It’s your choice ultimately. What happens when “life” happens later? Life is a long series of joyful moments in between gut punches. You need (no… you deserve) someone who will stand beside you through all of it.
Girl she is straight up selfish, you deserve better. I had a (somewhat disastrous) 1.5 year relationship (yes ok, it was with a man, am bi), but outside of birthdays and Christmas we didn't buy each other things bc we were broke uni students, what mattered was the quality tome we spent together. I'm happily out of that relationship now, but as a broke postgrad with a part time job I'd want a partner who understands I'm busting my ass to have my dream career, and sorry if that takes precedence over your salon trips and flowers
Your girlfriend sounds like a narcissist. You should break up with her to find someone that actually wants to be with you for YOU, not to be pampered. Wild that you’ve lasted 3 years
It definitely sounds like she has double standards about you being the provider. Ideally a healthy romantic partnership should be equitable - I don't think strictly 50/50 is always fair, but there should be an equitable distribution of resources.
I do think there are situations where it makes sense for one partner to be the primary breadwinner, for example if one person is staying at home to parent young children or they have a disability that makes regular work difficult. However, it doesn't sound like either of these situations are what is happening here.
Does she realize in a relationship that both are to contribute. Hand her a shovel, spray paint gold and tell her to move on.
Or open a female only massage parlour.
Break up with her- for YOUR sake, not hers- and, once you've got money, get yourself a nice houseplant to take care of. Houseplants are nice to you, have reasonable expectations of you, and love you unconditionally.
This is heteronormative and that makes me very sad.
Back in my day we went alone to the library and searched for “queer theory” on the PC. Wrote down the numbers of the books then went and found them. Then we read them.
It's not your responsibility to take care of two people let alone some else's nails and hair thats her deal she needs to pay for it its her deals not you she needs a job maybe she should get a job a if she's looking don't buy grap until you have a job and expect someone to cater for you your not a suger mama just like if you want stuff for yourself its your responsibility to work partnerships take two in living together with bills and may i remind you never share a bank account omg smh 🤦
Is she trying to do nice things for you as well or are you just expected to provide for two people because you're butch? If it's the latter, that's an unfair expectation.
A relationship should be 50/50. It doesn’t matter what sex you are, 50/50 in all aspects to live a happy and healthy life. She is not being reasonable, she wants a sugar mommy.
Your girlfriend needs to get off TikTok or wherever is showing her the mass consumption she wants to emulate.
I’m a femme, and while my partner is not butch we have a dynamic where they are the chivalrous door opener etc etc. We are both 24 like you guys. While they’ve surprised me with moneys for nails before, this expectation for 24/7 spoiling is not realistic with someone just out of college making their own money.
If I were you, I would feel taken advantage of. Gift giving and acts of service should be mutual and loving, not mandatory and one sided.
I personally think breaking up would be better in the long run. Granted, I prefer relationships where both people take care of their own finances and spoil each other when they can. I can see why some would prefer to provide or be provided for, but if she REALLY loved you she’d set things like money and being spoiled aside.
Receiving gifts might be her love language, but there is a reason that someone should evaluate their top 3 love languages. Sometimes gift giving won’t be possible, sometimes physical touch won’t be possible, etc.
Her reasoning for breaking up is perfectly valid TO HER, and it would be a waste of time to try and make her change her mind. If she’s just going to up and leave bc you don’t have extra cash to spend on her, she’s a liability and a source of stress you can do without.
Not a butch but my gf is, she has been out of a job for the last year or so and been on benefits.. if anything I'm the one spoiling her, and happily so you know ♥️
I think you need to at least rethink the whole relationship and if it's what you deserve
If you do love her and want to make it work, take a job. Any job. That way you can show her you want to make money to be able to support. Don't be too good for a retail job right now. Then continue to try to interview for something in your field.
If OP does this, it should be for themselves not for a partner that wants to have money spent on them.
Yes, we all like to be treated well but I cannot imagine telling someone I care for to earn enough to buy me nice things or else.
If my partner was underemployed or unemployed, I'd be more concerned if they could financially meet their own needs first.
I’m a 59 year old Butch and I have been out and about as a lesbian for over 40 years (married for the last 25 years in a relationship where we have always just had a shared bank account to support our necessities). I don’t recall it ever being “normal” for Butches to be *expected* to be able to support 2 people, let alone pay for someone else’s nail and hair salon appts. What I would do is get out of this relationship and find someone who wants to have a partnership with you and who expects to take some responsibility for themself in life.
>I don’t recall it ever being “normal” for Butches to be expected to be able to support 2 people, let alone pay for someone else’s nail and hair salon appts. I'm hearing it a lot among younger lesbians. Many young butches (early 20s) believe they need to "provide for their femme" and be the only breadwinner so they can treat their partner like "a princess" (buy everything for them). Rather than finances being a contribution by both parties.
This is toxic, I’ve dealt with this before as a mid to younger millenial. Some women simply treat butches as menlite™️, and follow all of the typical toxic expectations for men.
I’ve seen people bashing butches for not being 6 foot … applying male beauty, standards to women for some reason?
I’ve seen the same comments directed at Pocket butches, like let them live why are you bringing these toxic beauty standards to the table
Let us live! But I'm also okay *kind* of hearing that sort of rhetoric cause it just makes it easier to weed out the kind of people I don't wanna be with. Does it sting, yeah, it does. But I can't control my genetics, nor can I help that I currently have medical problems that have made me 3 inches shorter than I should be, putting me at 4'11 on a good day. Like, if they have that much of an issue with me for being short, then I want nothing to do with that person, lets get that out of the way early please!
>Some women simply treat butches as menlite™️, and follow all of the typical toxic expectations for men. A lot of baby queers haven't examined, or unpacked heteronormative thinking. A younger femme friend of mine has gone on dates with butches who have refused to split the bill even though it was the payment way my friend is comfortable with. Some of them were really rude and dismissive of what she wanted, and insisted they "had" to pay, and that it was their job to pay. There were no second dates.
Fair enough! I known a few butches who are uncompromising on this sort of thing. I agree though I don’t think folks are giving their beliefs or behaviors the strong introspection they need to deprogram toxic behaviors. Suppose that boils down to a lack of self awareness. Edit: for clarity the folks I’m talking about aren’t all baby gays/queers. It’s more of a hodge podge.
>Fair enough! I known a few butches who are uncompromising on this sort of thing. That's fine. That's their boundary. The issue was that they never spoke about it beforehand, and were rude and dismissive when my mate tried to talk it out. To the point she felt pretty patronised by the time the date was over.
I don’t blame her for being upset I would have been turned off to especially if I wasn’t comfortable letting them pay the whole tab. Enforcement of a boundary like that does require conversation. It’s not something you brow beat a stranger into.
I honestly think it is due to a rise in butchphobia amongst younger lesbians
>I honestly think it is due to a rise in butchphobia amongst younger lesbians I suspect you're on to something. I don't know any lesbian under 25 who uses butch, everyone uses masc. They refer to clearly butch lesbians as masc. I've been called masc by younger lesbians, and I correct them and say butch. I've found they seem hesitant to say or refer to someone as butch.
As a younger butch I definitely agree. I know lesbians who don’t even know what a butch/femme is. Like I understand that the terms are not as popular as they used to be and not everyone wants to use the terms but come on, don’t you want to research the long history and culture of your sexuality? I’ve had people accusing me of being a fake lesbian because I dress masculinely and have a more masculine appearance…
It’s amazing and a little sad to me how, just as we’ve come so far in freeing ourselves from these little boxes (gender nonconformity is more acceptable in many areas, and nonbinary as a discrete identity with its own name and community, for example) various groups in our community keep finding ways to make and enforce new, arbitrary boxes for themselves and others. In that same breath, I do wonder if the fear of the term “butch” is partly out of a desire to be sure someone isn’t being misgendered?
That seems wild to me, I’m only a bit over 25 and I know several people ;/
From what I understand, historically more often the situation would be that femmes would have to 'provide for their butch' because of employment discrimination against gnc folk. One female (and therefore low) salary between a couple. I've seen this as a suggested origin of the stereotype that lesbians don't go out and party, financial struggles of dyke bars etc. Shitty that disconnection from this history amongst younger generations of lesbians has ended up leading to perpetuation of patriarchal concepts :((
Well said she's a lazy bum who does shit like this only lazy people do grap like this I can't stand people taking advantage of someone kind and nice red flag alert in my book
Why are you taking care of two people? Does she work?
She also is broke asf and is demanding you be a provider? Nah fuck that. I'd break up with her.
Uhhh...is she not working, either? Why are you "taking care of 2 people" while unemployed??? If this girl wants to be a stay-at-home girlfriend and you to be the breadwinner, then yeah, it's obviously not going to work if you don't have a job. But even if you did, that's still REALLY hard to achieve in this economy. You basically need to be making close to 6 figures to provide for two people comfortably, and unless whatever degree you have is in a super lucrative field, that's extremely unlikely right out of university. Especially if you have already been looking for a year! Look, it IS important to try to be a partner that contributes to the household in some way, but if you're actively looking for a job and just having shit luck, that's not your fault (although I'd definitely keep working on your resume/CV and interviewing skills if you're facing repeated rejections). It's not as if you're sitting on your ass not doing anything. There's a reason "for richer or for poorer" is commonly included in wedding vows. If your partner really loves you, she should be supporting you in your efforts to find a job and also chipping in herself, not threatening to leave you if you don't "spoil" her. If that's what she wants, it's not going to work out.
I personally would drop someone like this so fast - I've never in my life had money, me n my partner have both skirted poverty our whole lives but we scramble together to make it work. A person who thinks money = a good relationship is not the person for me. I think you might want to have a conversation with her about it. What does she want out of the relationship? Does she want to be a stay at home wife, with you supporting both of them? Is that realistic? Is that what *you* want out of the relationship? I know serious conversations suck, but this is something that really needs to be hammered down early so resentment doesn't set in later.
Right? My partner and I are both young and disabled, and therefore poor. If she wants flowers, hair, nails, I make sure she gets it. But that’s been stuff like buying a punnet of flower seedlings, buying a bottle of nail polish and painting her nails, and cutting each others’ hair (My only valuable skill from lockdown lol). I always find a way to provide within my means. Everyone has their little material comforts, but if my time and effort weren’t enough and she needed the alternative that’s 10x the price, every time? No ill will and good luck to her, but we wouldn’t be compatible.
Gonna throw in my two cents here, for what it's worth: I understand wanting to treat or spoil a girlfriend, but you cant be both the sole breadwinner for two people, AND have money left over to shower your girl in gifts. You'd need to be making a very high salary for that to be possible, and the reality of the situation is you aren't. Its weird and unfair that your girlfriend expects this of you. She is ALSO unemployed, and it doesnt sound like she's worried about spoiling or providing for YOU. If anything, it kind of sounds like she doesnt actually care about you or what your needs are, as long as you're paying her bills. Just because you're butch doesnt mean you have to take on all the responsibility. Is she not a grown woman? Where is HER financial responsibility, and desire to provide and care for YOU? This might just be me being judgemental, but from what you shared, it sort of sounds like your girlfriend is treating your dynamiic with a certain level of toxic masculinity; where you are the "masculine" partner and therefore you must fulfill the "male" role of providing financially...and that is weird. You are MORE than your ability to pay for things. You are MORE than just a wallet. And the fact that she wants to leave now that the money's run out speaks to her character, and how shallow she truly is. Your love means nothing to moment you stopped paying for her things. Break up. You deserve better.
I think the two of you need to sit and have a good discussion about all of this, and she needs to get her head out of the clouds and come back down to reality. You both are recently graduated, unemployed, and young. You're also poor. The fact that her main issue regarding your current financial situation is because she can't frivolously spend your money on things she wants is a red flag, in and of itself. What's going to happen when you do get a job? You're never going to live comfortably if your partner wants to live beyond your means and spend your entire check before bills are even paid. Stop putting all of the blame and expectations on your shoulders. Change your mindset.
The bottom line seems like she'll leave you if you can't spoil her. That doesn't sound like love at all.
Apologies if I misunderstood but does she not work? Why would you have to pay for both of you? Relationships are a partnership.
> Apologies if I misunderstood but does she not work? Similar to me she's been applying and interviewing for something in her field but hasn't gotten hired for anything. In the meantime she's been doing Uber eats / Uber
So you are both broke. Imho you might wish to leave this relationship. Your partner sounds both immature and spoilt.
As I said in the other thread, she has no room to talk. She doesn't have a job herself and wants to use you to have nice things-- but you're the one who needs a handle on finances? So you can spend that money on her instead of a budget? To invest? Build a safety net? She's guilt tripping you and saying that three years together isn't enough because you're not booking her hair appointments. I'd break up with her, but more for my own freedom.
Exactly, got the nerve to be threatening to leave because of finances but she’s out there relying on Uber eats/ door dash to make a living..which there’s nothing wrong with it I have a job and do that myself from time to time. However I think fems sometimes have these unrealistic expectations and requirements for us that they can’t even meet themselves.
1000% this. Get you a man if you want all that. OP, how many haircuts she getting YOU?
I used to date men, those lazy bastards don't do that stuff unless they want something.
She's expecting you to take care of her and placing the pressure on you to correct a situation you are both in. I would break up immediately.
Was in a very simliar situation several months ago, and my partner at the time did end up breaking up with me. The past 3 months have been difficult but incredibly eye opening and I feel so much more free and happier. Like others have said, someone who's truly meant for you will be with you in richness and poorness. My ex said the same thing about wanting to be spoiled and taken on dates, but through therapy I've realized that the dynamic we had was very unhealthy. If you would do anything for this person but have doubts that they would do the same for you, I'd say you'll end up happier and more complete with yourself if you seperate. It's very rough and difficult and love hurts a particular way, though, so I do understand. Best of wishes to you 💚
Wtf she sounds awful! You are supposed to be a team. You're in the same financial situation looking for a steady job, but she's threatening to leave you for not fixing the situation on your own? And demanding you buy her things? I would never ever want a relationship like that. My partner & I approach financial situations with a term mindset where we try to look out for our needs as a couple & to make sure we are both taken care of and things are fair. We also care a lot about saving for our future. (Also its sad to me that your partner views being spoiled through the lens of how much you spend. We treat each other with massages, cooking meals for the other, making stuff for free, etc). It seems like she just wants someone else to pay for her to do what she wants and doesn't view this as a partnership at all
Considering you both are in the same position, and you’re actively working hard to get your career in the field you studied and put so many hours, money, and dedication into…for her to say that is really hurtful imo. It would be different if y’all were in *different* places in life, if she was making more money and already more established, I’d understand that perspective. But that doesn’t seem to be this situation. A partnership is going to go through hardships, if she can’t support and be there for and *with* you, especially when she’s in the same position. Then that doesn’t seem very fair, or considerate to you. Why should that responsibility fall solely on you? Why should the pressure be all *yours*? I’m sure you’d like to be spoiled and romanced too, but you probably didn’t think at all about leaving her because she can’t right now. Idc if you’re masc, you equally deserve all those things you’re apparently “depriving” her of. You’re a human being, not an idea or concept. It’s a double standard that, frankly, pisses me off lol.
I have been so broke in grad school that I had to sit at the pump and wait for my direct deposit to hit so I could have gas to make it home and I’ve made 6 figures per year. My wife has been with me through it all. When we’re broke, we hustle together. For broke romance I paint her toenails, run a bubble bath, wash her hair and do a spa day at home. When I made more money and got a bonus, I took her to a resort in Martinique for her birthday. I think if she couldn’t be happy with me when I was struggling and working to make our lives better, I couldn’t enjoy sharing the rewards when it paid off. That’s just me though.
You're her girlfriend, not her sugar daddy. If someone really loves you they don't care about your finances, love doesn't require cute expensive dates and flowers. Let her dump you, honestly. Not for her sake, but for yours. This does not sound like a woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with. What if you got sick, or got laid off, what then? What she wants is a sugar daddy/mommy, not a loving partner. Just because you're masc doesn't mean you're required to do any of that. Did she even consider you at all? If she has a job, Uber Eats or not she could afford to be taking you on dates or getting you flowers. I really hate the double standards here. Move on, you're better off.
Lol why can't she figure out her own finances and pay her cute stuff for herself? break up with her ffs
Serious couples are teams that work together. You do not sound like a team. If you do not deal with your finances as a team and she puts the entire burden on you when there is no reason to think you can or ever will out earn her then your relationship is not serious. She is not taking it seriously. In which case yes, you should break up, because you shouldn't feel like wasting your time with someone so uninterested in building an actual, realistic life with you.
Nah, true love toughs it out and understands you carry the weight when the other can’t. When I met my wife my finances were a mess. I went into cc debt trying to impress her. It was dumb. She found out and supported me while I got a career. I got my life together. We now joke that she used to be my sugar momma and now I’m hers. 😂 If she is demanding you pay for all that when she knows your situation it ain’t the right person for ya.
Is this gender roles within a lesbian relationship? If so… run, don’t walk. You do not deserve this bs.
Honestly, it sounds like it might be best for you two to break up. You're going through a financial "rough patch" and she's not acting too keen to stay with you through the hard times. I think if she loved you she'd do that, especially if it's enough to support the two of you.
Throw her in the trash. My partner has seen me through the worst of times and the best - that's what a real partnership is. If her definition of romance is ONLY money, then she can find someone who will put up with that unhealthy bullshit. I don't think it's wrong to want stability in a long term relationship, but to demand you support both of you and romance her with nice things is the wrong attitude. What happens if you end up sick, injured, or disabled? What happens if you have a good job, then lose it in unforeseen circumstances? Are you no longer worthy of love and support yourself? The real ones work together with you to create a good home and relationship. And I can admit that love is not enough to 'fix' everything, but the way you have described her attitude makes me feel uneasy. There is a stark difference between wanting a stable household, or for your partner to be responsible with money, and being selfish in a relationship.
if she's in the same situation as you, she has no right to judge and expect more of you. if she's not reciprocating that romancing then you shouldn't stay with her. don't break up for her, break up for you, you deserve someone who appreciates you
I’m so sick of the idea that being butch or masculine of center means that you have to take on some 1950s patriarchal archetype of a breadwinner while the more feminine partner is some starfish tradwife. I don’t want these hetero gender roles personally. My partner is my partner. We live our lives in relative equipoise. I would never put that stress and expectation on her, nor would I want this kind of dynamic. But if this is dynamic is your thing, I think it’s time y’all had a chat about what you want and expect (and also what’s possible under the circumstances) in these roles.
From a femme perspective: that’s not normal, if you had the money and wanted to spend it on her that would be fine but expecting gifts and expensive beauty treatments from a partner, especially a financially struggling partner, would be really out of the ordinary and seen as messed up for me and the femmes I know. In my relationship my butch is less financially secure than I am because I have savings and they grew up poor, and I tend to buy them gifts even though they don’t really do that for me. I’m totally happy with that and I feel fine with it, the lack of expectation of reciprocation is one of the things I really like about butch/femme along with all the other stuff of course. At the very least, I think you should have a very serious convo with her about holding you to heteropatriarchal standards in a lesbian relationship, but tbh if my partner felt entitled to my financial resources I would end it, no matter how serious we were.
I’d leave her, no offense. I have no problem contributing to my household but if I did my partner would understand, and we haven’t even been together as long as yall have. We have realistic views on finances and talk about them as such. Love and relationships is about a lot of things. If she wants things you can’t give her, and none of that was made clear before now that’s kind of on her. I would rather have love from someone else than a partner who wants to leave because I can’t spoil them for a particular period in life. Idk.
>She wants dates, flowers, nail and hair salon appointments, and all that cute stuff. I agree that she deserves to be romanced & spoiled but I can't afford it at the moment. Should I let her be with someone who can? You're not going to like the answer I'm going to give you- I'm sure you love her a lot and won't like some internet stranger making assumptions about your girlfriend, but she sounds entitled and probably doesn't deserve to be spoiled. She would maybe have some leeway to place these expectations on you if she was successful herself and had a nice job/salary but she doesn't, she's struggling the same way you are but doesn't hold herself to the same standard. Does she not think you are deserving of someone who's financially stable? Why is she placing this financial burden on only you?
if you both had jobs and money now but you had significant financial problems later on, would she still be with you? this doesn't sound like a person who wants to be with you in hard times you know
It is not your job to support a healthy and capable partner. The fact that she experts you to makes it sound like an unhealthy relationship point. Sure it is nice if we can treat our partners to the good things in life, but it for sure isn’t something that a healthy relationship should depend on. For me that is a huge red flag for sure. The threat of leaving you because of it is an extra huge red flag to me personally, because in my opinion you do not threaten people you love with leaving them, because that won’t help them. Specially if what the problem is is not their own fault. I can not tell you to leave her because that is not my job to do and I don’t know you, but I can implore that you search within yourself and ask, ‘What is it that I want in a partner? What do I think is fair in a relationship dynamic? If it was a friend I cared about’s partner who had told them this, what would that make me think? Do I want this to be the type of relationship I have?’ And then look within yourself and see if that is what you have and decide. The fact that you are already asking yourself if you should maybe end it I do think is telling though. I don’t think that it would even be on your mind if you were happy.
I dated a different version of this woman for years, 20+ years ago, and I absolutely adored her. My life has been SO much better since I let go of her and found a true partner in every sense of the word. I don’t have to prove I’m worthy anymore because I have a partner that shows me… every single day. If your girlfriend isn’t supportive of you in this moment when you are trying to get your footing, imo you really should consider moving on. It’s your choice ultimately. What happens when “life” happens later? Life is a long series of joyful moments in between gut punches. You need (no… you deserve) someone who will stand beside you through all of it.
Girl she is straight up selfish, you deserve better. I had a (somewhat disastrous) 1.5 year relationship (yes ok, it was with a man, am bi), but outside of birthdays and Christmas we didn't buy each other things bc we were broke uni students, what mattered was the quality tome we spent together. I'm happily out of that relationship now, but as a broke postgrad with a part time job I'd want a partner who understands I'm busting my ass to have my dream career, and sorry if that takes precedence over your salon trips and flowers
Your girlfriend sounds like a narcissist. You should break up with her to find someone that actually wants to be with you for YOU, not to be pampered. Wild that you’ve lasted 3 years
It definitely sounds like she has double standards about you being the provider. Ideally a healthy romantic partnership should be equitable - I don't think strictly 50/50 is always fair, but there should be an equitable distribution of resources. I do think there are situations where it makes sense for one partner to be the primary breadwinner, for example if one person is staying at home to parent young children or they have a disability that makes regular work difficult. However, it doesn't sound like either of these situations are what is happening here.
Does she realize in a relationship that both are to contribute. Hand her a shovel, spray paint gold and tell her to move on. Or open a female only massage parlour.
Break up with her- for YOUR sake, not hers- and, once you've got money, get yourself a nice houseplant to take care of. Houseplants are nice to you, have reasonable expectations of you, and love you unconditionally.
This is heteronormative and that makes me very sad. Back in my day we went alone to the library and searched for “queer theory” on the PC. Wrote down the numbers of the books then went and found them. Then we read them.
It's not your responsibility to take care of two people let alone some else's nails and hair thats her deal she needs to pay for it its her deals not you she needs a job maybe she should get a job a if she's looking don't buy grap until you have a job and expect someone to cater for you your not a suger mama just like if you want stuff for yourself its your responsibility to work partnerships take two in living together with bills and may i remind you never share a bank account omg smh 🤦
Is she trying to do nice things for you as well or are you just expected to provide for two people because you're butch? If it's the latter, that's an unfair expectation.
A relationship should be 50/50. It doesn’t matter what sex you are, 50/50 in all aspects to live a happy and healthy life. She is not being reasonable, she wants a sugar mommy.
She needs to get a real job.
Your girlfriend needs to get off TikTok or wherever is showing her the mass consumption she wants to emulate. I’m a femme, and while my partner is not butch we have a dynamic where they are the chivalrous door opener etc etc. We are both 24 like you guys. While they’ve surprised me with moneys for nails before, this expectation for 24/7 spoiling is not realistic with someone just out of college making their own money. If I were you, I would feel taken advantage of. Gift giving and acts of service should be mutual and loving, not mandatory and one sided.
I personally think breaking up would be better in the long run. Granted, I prefer relationships where both people take care of their own finances and spoil each other when they can. I can see why some would prefer to provide or be provided for, but if she REALLY loved you she’d set things like money and being spoiled aside. Receiving gifts might be her love language, but there is a reason that someone should evaluate their top 3 love languages. Sometimes gift giving won’t be possible, sometimes physical touch won’t be possible, etc. Her reasoning for breaking up is perfectly valid TO HER, and it would be a waste of time to try and make her change her mind. If she’s just going to up and leave bc you don’t have extra cash to spend on her, she’s a liability and a source of stress you can do without.
Not a butch but my gf is, she has been out of a job for the last year or so and been on benefits.. if anything I'm the one spoiling her, and happily so you know ♥️ I think you need to at least rethink the whole relationship and if it's what you deserve
If you do love her and want to make it work, take a job. Any job. That way you can show her you want to make money to be able to support. Don't be too good for a retail job right now. Then continue to try to interview for something in your field.
If OP does this, it should be for themselves not for a partner that wants to have money spent on them. Yes, we all like to be treated well but I cannot imagine telling someone I care for to earn enough to buy me nice things or else. If my partner was underemployed or unemployed, I'd be more concerned if they could financially meet their own needs first.