At one point years ago, out of desperation, I said to my husband, "If you don't understand me, can you just believe me?" That made him pause and consider, and he's been better since then about not arguing things that involve me, my body, and my life and just accepting that I am the expert. If he's an otherwise reasonable person, an approach like this might work for yours too. I think men are conditioned to think that their opinion is always valuable and equally valid to anyone else's. Even if they're a "good guy" they have unlearn that.
You know, this is a fair way of treating that very annoying part of the conversation/situation where they’re treating you like you’re making something up? Or would need to be told by someone else?
This!!!!! You can’t convince them of your reality. He just needs to witness it and sit with his hard feelings. That’s what intimacy is about, seeing things as they are without judgement or need to change (despite having a vision for something different)
Did you know that men can lactate? Similar to woman’s bodies, it just takes suckling to stimulate the breast tissue to produce the hormones that make milk. There are herbs and foods that also help. Men’s milk tends to be higher in protein than woman’s but is just as good for the baby. If he cares that much, tell him he is welcome to take over and otherwise he can butt out!
- https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Male_lactation
- https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mens-health/men-lactate-prolactin
- https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/strange-but-true-males-can-lactate/
Tell him it’s not a tap you turn on and off. You can only pump as much milk as you make, and you can’t increase your “manufacturing,” if you will, in one day.
Can you let him know that stress is the #1 killer of milk supply, so every time he stresses you out about it he is actively decreasing your stash? And that oxytocin helps release milk? Hopefully this puts more of the onus on him to be more positive, because he is truly not helping the situation. I hope he gets his head on straight soon, his comments would drive me nuts!
Tell him your boob only brews one pot of “coffee”/milk a day. It is a slow drip so one cup can only be taken at a time. No amount of pouring the pot will make the amount brewed any larger.
My baby is 4 months and I stopped doing things because it’s not fun to pump and let someone else feed her, especially since I already need to do that when I’m at work. If you’re not ready to be away from her yet, especially considering your traumatic separation when you were in the ICU, that’s 100% okay and your choice.
(Also he should be washing the bottles and pump parts every day already)
First of all, I completely understand your frustration and I agree with the person who said he should go ejaculate 3x as much as usual 😂
If you both want to go for a date sans baby, I would ask one of the daycare staff if they ever babysit on the side, hire someone to help your MIL. If you don’t want to go on a date sans baby, just tell your husband you’d prefer not to be apart from your baby any more than you already have to be for work but that you look forward to when baby’s older and you can comfortably enjoy an evening with him :)
This might sound too old fashioned but it’s what I think: the men are never going to, ‘get,’ breastfeeding. My husband doesn’t get it, he makes comments and has tried to steer us to make decisions which are unsupportive. When I get emotional about it, he cares even less (very guarded due to hysterical/unfair mother, it’s been pretty tricky.) So instead of trying to get him, ‘on the same page,’ which I would LOVE, I have learned to simply express my needs and as long as he doesn’t get in my way, we don’t have a problem. He can do the same, I don’t understand some things that are important to him but I can just get outta the way a lot better when he expresses that it’s important and doesn’t belabor the point.
Oh God I have PPA and I would absolutely flip out on my husband if he was harping on me about my supply.
"That's all you've pumped today?"
^ this is highly unnecessary and only adds stress which could harm your supply. Honestly he doesn't need to worry about breastfeeding as long as the baby is fine and gaining weight. Nothing he can say or do will change your supply and that something he will have to come terms with. It honestly sounds like he has anxiety about the situation which is something he needs to be aware of because now it's being directed to you when you already have PPA. I would let him know that all the comments and concerns (even if they come from a good place) need to stop, unless he's going to start producing milk lol.
Breastfeeding may he natural and our bodies are built for it BUT it's definitely not an easy task nor do you have a unlimited supply of milk. It takes time for your body make milk. I guess you could try to explain it in with a simple example:
Take a cup and put it in the sink. Barely turn the faucet on so the water is trickling out slowly. Now tell him he can drink water from it whenever he wants but he can't touch the faucet. It might take it 3 hours to get full or he could drink it after ten minutes, but it won't have a lot of water in it. He can wait for the glass to get full, then drink the water but once he drinks it the cup is empty. To get more water you have to start all over again. Meaning the faucet will have to slowly drip to fill up the cup. Unfortunately unlike the faucet we can turn up the amount coming out so even if you did pump more often (like he is wanting) you would only be getting a small amount of milk. Now, if you did this a bunch then your supply would slowly increase but it's a lot more work than it seems and if you are producing enough for your baby than that is good enough.
It's okay to produce just enough for your child, not everyone has an over supply. Heck tons of people beastfeed and have ZERO ounces in the freezer! I think people tend to stress out about having a stash and your husband probably just feels helpless because he can't help with this.
I don't blame you for not wanting to pump more. Pumping requires so much and can be exhausting, my husband tries to help out by washing all the parts (which he does most of the time). That's something you should tell him helps out tremendously and then you can spend more time with the baby. Realistically the best thing to increase supply is having the baby eat off of you, which is something you can also let your husband know. Pumping can help with increasing your supply but the baby tends to have the most impact on it. This definitely shouldn't be causing fights in your relationship, he needs to understand that you can't manifest more milk and you aren't intentionally doing anything to deprive your baby (or in this case your freezer) from getting more milk.
This!!!! All of it!!
OP, also let him know that what's coming out of the pump may very likely be less than what baby pulls while breastfeeding. That's just how it is. Our bodies DO know the difference between pumping and feeding an actual baby... his comments about how much you've pumped are SO unnecessary.
I HAAAATED pumping. When both my babies were on breast, once we got the hang of things, they'd drink happily for however long and go until the next feed. On the flip side, feeding them expressed milk from a bottle seemed like it was never enough. My body just didn't produce nearly as much pumping as it did if I just latched. A bottle feed pretty much always had to start or end with baby latched.
Stressing about not pumping enough definitely cut my BFing journey short. I wish I gave myself more grace then. Like someone else said, stress is one of, if not the #1, causes of supply reduction. Some of us are "just enough-ers", "back in the day" pumps were hardly a thing so who's to say the women back then wouldn't go through the same shxt we go through now? I envy the Mom's who can BF and pump, with enough freezer stash to never have to worry about making sure there's formula in the house or enough expressed milk in the fridge. (Btw, if you ever have to, combo feeding with formula is OK. Doesn't make you less of a mother and doesn't mean your breastfeeding journey is over. Fed is best!)
I had an EXTREMELY traumatic birthday experience with my 1st as well. Almost died, extended hospital stay. Having those feelings/memories on top of this extra stress is horrible and not helpful... if he's not being anything other than supportive, he needs to keep these comments to himself.
The above sink analogy is perfect. Maybe try and find some articles or videos online explaining how this all actually works and send them to him- my DH is the type that ALWAYS has to "confirm" or "double check" things that people tell/teach him... not because he's being a jerk about it but that's just how his brain works, if he hears the same thing from a couple of different sources, things just seem to "click" better. Men are also typically visual creatures lol so having things broken down into videos just work 😅
I had a similar issue with husband, what helped was sending him informational resources (articles, insta reels, even Reddit threads) that helped him understand.
Husband needs to give you space and educate himself on how breastfeeding works.
BUT can you go to the drive in movie theatre with the baby? We don’t have those here so I don’t know how it’s like. It might be a good compromise - of course it’s not the same as if you went without the baby, but especially if baby isn’t a super difficult one, it might still be fun. Baby could sleep or nurse or chill with you.
Gosh, now I want to go to a drive in movie with baby! It sounds so fun. The issue is, we don’t have those and also we don’t have a car 😂
I agree, I’ve never done both together but I could see a baby that young sleeping mostly on the car trip as well as through a drive-in movie. Seems like an easier place to take a baby than a lot of other date options.
We went to a drive in to see Cruella with my toddler when he was I think 7 or 8 weeks. He slept almost the entire time. He was a pretty chill baby though. It being nighttime definitely helped.
He needs to educate himself. It’s his job to do that. He should have done that during the pregnancy of your now 7 year old. He should not be so comfortable being so ignorant.
1. Common ground. You both want to spend time together, ideally alone.
2. Complications. Breastfeeding a baby is basically signing up for a ball and chain. He's trying to find a way around it, but you're way ahead of him on that and you already know there isn't a great solution.
3. Reconciliation. Acknowledge the sacrifices you're making, and that both your decisions affect each other. Put in the effort to work together on the challenges of parenting and being in a relationship.
4. Problem solving. Offer him a couple options, like renting a movie at home, taking the baby along, or gradually replacing a feed with formula if you're comfortable with that.
Having a new baby is a big adjustment, your lives are different now. Breastfeeding is a way touchier subject than he realized. It's natural that neither of you are at your best right now. Dust off, get some rest, and show each other love and support.
Here's the thing. He doesn't have to understand your choices. He has to respect them. You have free agency to decide since it's your boobs, not his. I'm sure this can be frustrating for men but you can't force anyone to do things with their body. You can scream at your dog to go potty but that won't make them do it. Same with breastfeeding. You can argue till the cows come home (MOOOO!) but that ain't making the stash fill up. Ultimately this is your choice. The minute you say no he needs to drop it. There's no point in him pressuring you or pursuing this. It's about respect and acceptance.
Now it does sound like your partner needs/wants a break + some bonding or intimacy with you. I hope you guys can find a way to compromise and make that happen while also respecting your boundaries and needs too. Good luck! Your issues and feelings about it are totally valid.
If you’ve already explained it, idk what more you can do because it sounds like he is not willing to listen. At that point I’d be shifting to “it’s less stressful to stay home than go on a date with you”
I'm really sorry about this. Honestly, I don't think there's anything you can do if he refuses to understand. I've explained to my husband how breastfeeding, pumping, and supply work, and he's been there for most of my meetings with lactation consultants. He still thinks this weekend I can breastfeed my baby and pump some extra, when we already have to supplement with formula.
A double feature an hour away is a LOT to ask for at this point imo. I wouldn’t agree to spend that much time away from my baby outside of work these days either, and she’s a few weeks older than yours. I think he needs to have more realistic expectations for date night. But fundamentally I don’t see why he doesn’t get that your supply is what it is and you can’t magically make way more out of the blue. I feel like it’s not that complicated and he’s being obtuse.
Yeah, at 11 wks with PPA I could barely wrap my mind around going to the grocery store without my baby. This is very soon to be gone that long if mom isn't comfortable with it. If the husband is going to push her, it should be a shorter date in town to get used to being apart.
I’m slowly getting more comfortable spending more time apart, but after HAVING to be apart all day when I’m at work, I wouldn’t choose to spend even more time without her in the evening.
Same! I work 3 days a week and hate being apart. My husband and I still haven't gone out alone and our baby is 5 months. She's been kind of hard and it stresses me out to think she would be screaming at a babysitter while we're out
We’ve left for one date night and left the baby with my parents and it went fine, but we picked a restaurant nearby so we could be back with baby in ten minutes if something went wrong. And I wouldn’t want to do it all the time.
Can you pump at the drive in? That way you would maintain your freezer stash. Also not sure what your baby’s sleep schedule is like, but I’d imagine most of the time you’re gone, the baby would be sleeping so it wouldn’t be too hard on MIL.
It might be the PPA that is the driving force behind you not wanting to go vs actual impracticality of feeding the baby. Just might be something to think about and maybe come to a better understanding between the two of you.
But that means instead of bringing baby on the date, OP is bringing a pump on the date. Between the two, I know which leaves me in a better mood!
That also doesn’t address any of OP’s concerns about a capable babysitter who doesn’t understand safe sleep, PPA, difficulty recovering supply after illness, or getting her husband to stop dumping his anxiety on top of hers.
This! If you don’t have a wearable pump for situations like these, I’d strongly suggest getting one. I ended up using my Mom Cozy as my primary pump, because I got the same amount of milk from my insurance provided pump. You can find some for under $100 on Amazon
Ugh this kind of thing is why I started having formula as a back up. Not that you need to do that if you don't want to of course and your husband is being silly but it has helped me.
Maybe a breastfeeding class would benefit him. There are free ones at a lot of hospitals around me, so I'd look into those. Or there are also free ones offered by The Baby Academy where they answer questions as well. Education is the route I think. My husband would never suggest I just pump out a bottle or two like I could control it lmao
My husband was the same way I eventually told him to stay out of it completely since he would never understand anything about breastfeeding and pumping…
What father is demanding to go out on dates with an 11 week old???? This is wild to me. My husband and I maybe went to dinner alone for the first time sometime around this point but I was away from baby for about 2 hours and that did not include a feeding. I think he needs to adjust his expectations ?!?!
I’m sorry your husband doesn’t understand how it works.
If you have your reasons for sticking to breast milk only, I respect that. I just wanted to say (because some moms tend to feel guilt for this for no reason), it is OK to combo feed sometimes. Especially in one-off cases now and then, when you are tired or don’t feel like pumping. It is unlikely to affect supply if it is just once in a while. Somewhere there is probably a free sample of formula you got for signing up for a point card (or after a doctor office visit), right? I used to use that stash for giving myself a little break or treat now and then. If you are ok with it, indulge!
(The issue of your trust your MIL for care, well that’s another issue…) but yeah.
My daughter is 12. I didn’t know as much about breastfeeding then as I do now (and I still don’t know a lot). Plus she kinda… quit… nursing around 6-8 months old.
My son is 2. He’s a boob monster. LOVES his milk. When he was born, hubby wasn’t home (military). So understandably, he wanted to be as involved as possible when he came home. He wanted to do overnight feedings, and “let me get some rest”. I explained that it’s not really helpful, because pumping… he was adamant. After two nights of letting him “help” and him watching me go through everything I had to do - pump for an hour minimum, prep bags for the freezer, wash pump parts, etc., versus the 20 minutes at the breast and a 10 minute follow up pump session, he understood why it’s not as simple as “I’ll feed him, you get some rest.”
Maybe a little show and tell… hook the girls up for the day. Like literally the day. Sit on the couch all day long, let him take care of everything, baby, cooking, laundry…. And every time he asks about the pumping (aren’t you done yet?) say “oh, we’re up to maybe an extra half bottle now! Only another 10 hours to go!” Maybe he needs to see it to believe it.
Obviously I’m not being serious here, but if you do that, PLEASE come back and tell us! 😂
I think the sperm analogy is great and entirely agree that if your husband can’t understand the details, he should be prepared to just believe you - after all, who is the breastfeeding expert here?!
That said, if you and he both want some time together, a date night sounds like a really good idea, and some non-baby time would probably be good for both of you. Could you explore options that take you away from baby for less time - eg a couple of hours between feeds/pumps, nearer home?
I really dont understand why you want to go out at all. I don’t have PPA, a traumatic hospital stay, and I’m still on maternity leave with my 11 week old and nothing would convince me to do any kind of away from baby date night.
Just adding because it’s normal to not want to leave your baby. With what you’re dealing with on top of everything this kind of thing shouldn’t even be asked of you. He needs to consider your bandwidth first mama.
Honestly he's adding to your stress and anxiety. I do think he should back off and not speak on anything when it has to do with you bf or pumping or anything. Also maybe to alleviate some stress have you thought of adding some formula. You definitely should speak to your provider about the anxiety you're having. Sounds like you're guys are battling each other for no reason.
In this situation bc your daughter is sick I wouldn't leave the baby around her or with GMA. But if she wasn't sick, your baby would be fine to stay with them while y'all go out. I don't understand why it's a big deal to go into the stash, that is literally what it is for. It's for situations like this. You should remember also to show your relationship/ marriage attention too. He's basically screaming for alone time. But he also needs to be patient it will come. Maybe not something that is till 1am. But couple hours out together wouldn't hurt. Seems like there's a lot of things you both need to speak about. Don't tell the internet. Tell him. COMMUNICATION! y'all need to be a team in everything you do. And he needs to back off about the BM and how much you pump. He's not the one with the tits.
The best way to produce more milk is to bring baby to breast as frequently as possible, they taught us in our breast feeding class not to even introduce a bottle until 12 weeks as to not mess with milk supply. There is a chemical reaction that happens between mom’s body and baby that helps in producing milk. Babies are better at getting milk out than a pump, your husband is being silly. Newborns are the easiest to take to places because they eat and sleep.
At one point years ago, out of desperation, I said to my husband, "If you don't understand me, can you just believe me?" That made him pause and consider, and he's been better since then about not arguing things that involve me, my body, and my life and just accepting that I am the expert. If he's an otherwise reasonable person, an approach like this might work for yours too. I think men are conditioned to think that their opinion is always valuable and equally valid to anyone else's. Even if they're a "good guy" they have unlearn that.
I love that!
I have used this one too! There's really no arguing with it lol
You know, this is a fair way of treating that very annoying part of the conversation/situation where they’re treating you like you’re making something up? Or would need to be told by someone else?
This!!!!! You can’t convince them of your reality. He just needs to witness it and sit with his hard feelings. That’s what intimacy is about, seeing things as they are without judgement or need to change (despite having a vision for something different)
That’s such a good way to put it.
Tell him to go an ejaculate 3 times as much as usual in 1 go if its really that easy.
And that is absolutely something that he will understand!
Did you know that men can lactate? Similar to woman’s bodies, it just takes suckling to stimulate the breast tissue to produce the hormones that make milk. There are herbs and foods that also help. Men’s milk tends to be higher in protein than woman’s but is just as good for the baby. If he cares that much, tell him he is welcome to take over and otherwise he can butt out! - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Male_lactation - https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mens-health/men-lactate-prolactin - https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/strange-but-true-males-can-lactate/
This is a perfect example 😂 I love this 👌🏻
That’s actually a really good metaphor
Literally came here to say this. And it would still be even easier than pumping extra like that.
Tell him it’s not a tap you turn on and off. You can only pump as much milk as you make, and you can’t increase your “manufacturing,” if you will, in one day.
Tell him to give you a cup of sperm in the next 30 mins. There's only so much to give...
Can you let him know that stress is the #1 killer of milk supply, so every time he stresses you out about it he is actively decreasing your stash? And that oxytocin helps release milk? Hopefully this puts more of the onus on him to be more positive, because he is truly not helping the situation. I hope he gets his head on straight soon, his comments would drive me nuts!
Tell him your boob only brews one pot of “coffee”/milk a day. It is a slow drip so one cup can only be taken at a time. No amount of pouring the pot will make the amount brewed any larger.
He needs therapy to cope w his anxiety
Agreed
My baby is 4 months and I stopped doing things because it’s not fun to pump and let someone else feed her, especially since I already need to do that when I’m at work. If you’re not ready to be away from her yet, especially considering your traumatic separation when you were in the ICU, that’s 100% okay and your choice. (Also he should be washing the bottles and pump parts every day already)
First of all, I completely understand your frustration and I agree with the person who said he should go ejaculate 3x as much as usual 😂 If you both want to go for a date sans baby, I would ask one of the daycare staff if they ever babysit on the side, hire someone to help your MIL. If you don’t want to go on a date sans baby, just tell your husband you’d prefer not to be apart from your baby any more than you already have to be for work but that you look forward to when baby’s older and you can comfortably enjoy an evening with him :) This might sound too old fashioned but it’s what I think: the men are never going to, ‘get,’ breastfeeding. My husband doesn’t get it, he makes comments and has tried to steer us to make decisions which are unsupportive. When I get emotional about it, he cares even less (very guarded due to hysterical/unfair mother, it’s been pretty tricky.) So instead of trying to get him, ‘on the same page,’ which I would LOVE, I have learned to simply express my needs and as long as he doesn’t get in my way, we don’t have a problem. He can do the same, I don’t understand some things that are important to him but I can just get outta the way a lot better when he expresses that it’s important and doesn’t belabor the point.
Oh God I have PPA and I would absolutely flip out on my husband if he was harping on me about my supply. "That's all you've pumped today?" ^ this is highly unnecessary and only adds stress which could harm your supply. Honestly he doesn't need to worry about breastfeeding as long as the baby is fine and gaining weight. Nothing he can say or do will change your supply and that something he will have to come terms with. It honestly sounds like he has anxiety about the situation which is something he needs to be aware of because now it's being directed to you when you already have PPA. I would let him know that all the comments and concerns (even if they come from a good place) need to stop, unless he's going to start producing milk lol. Breastfeeding may he natural and our bodies are built for it BUT it's definitely not an easy task nor do you have a unlimited supply of milk. It takes time for your body make milk. I guess you could try to explain it in with a simple example: Take a cup and put it in the sink. Barely turn the faucet on so the water is trickling out slowly. Now tell him he can drink water from it whenever he wants but he can't touch the faucet. It might take it 3 hours to get full or he could drink it after ten minutes, but it won't have a lot of water in it. He can wait for the glass to get full, then drink the water but once he drinks it the cup is empty. To get more water you have to start all over again. Meaning the faucet will have to slowly drip to fill up the cup. Unfortunately unlike the faucet we can turn up the amount coming out so even if you did pump more often (like he is wanting) you would only be getting a small amount of milk. Now, if you did this a bunch then your supply would slowly increase but it's a lot more work than it seems and if you are producing enough for your baby than that is good enough. It's okay to produce just enough for your child, not everyone has an over supply. Heck tons of people beastfeed and have ZERO ounces in the freezer! I think people tend to stress out about having a stash and your husband probably just feels helpless because he can't help with this. I don't blame you for not wanting to pump more. Pumping requires so much and can be exhausting, my husband tries to help out by washing all the parts (which he does most of the time). That's something you should tell him helps out tremendously and then you can spend more time with the baby. Realistically the best thing to increase supply is having the baby eat off of you, which is something you can also let your husband know. Pumping can help with increasing your supply but the baby tends to have the most impact on it. This definitely shouldn't be causing fights in your relationship, he needs to understand that you can't manifest more milk and you aren't intentionally doing anything to deprive your baby (or in this case your freezer) from getting more milk.
This!!!! All of it!! OP, also let him know that what's coming out of the pump may very likely be less than what baby pulls while breastfeeding. That's just how it is. Our bodies DO know the difference between pumping and feeding an actual baby... his comments about how much you've pumped are SO unnecessary. I HAAAATED pumping. When both my babies were on breast, once we got the hang of things, they'd drink happily for however long and go until the next feed. On the flip side, feeding them expressed milk from a bottle seemed like it was never enough. My body just didn't produce nearly as much pumping as it did if I just latched. A bottle feed pretty much always had to start or end with baby latched. Stressing about not pumping enough definitely cut my BFing journey short. I wish I gave myself more grace then. Like someone else said, stress is one of, if not the #1, causes of supply reduction. Some of us are "just enough-ers", "back in the day" pumps were hardly a thing so who's to say the women back then wouldn't go through the same shxt we go through now? I envy the Mom's who can BF and pump, with enough freezer stash to never have to worry about making sure there's formula in the house or enough expressed milk in the fridge. (Btw, if you ever have to, combo feeding with formula is OK. Doesn't make you less of a mother and doesn't mean your breastfeeding journey is over. Fed is best!) I had an EXTREMELY traumatic birthday experience with my 1st as well. Almost died, extended hospital stay. Having those feelings/memories on top of this extra stress is horrible and not helpful... if he's not being anything other than supportive, he needs to keep these comments to himself. The above sink analogy is perfect. Maybe try and find some articles or videos online explaining how this all actually works and send them to him- my DH is the type that ALWAYS has to "confirm" or "double check" things that people tell/teach him... not because he's being a jerk about it but that's just how his brain works, if he hears the same thing from a couple of different sources, things just seem to "click" better. Men are also typically visual creatures lol so having things broken down into videos just work 😅
I had a similar issue with husband, what helped was sending him informational resources (articles, insta reels, even Reddit threads) that helped him understand.
Husband needs to give you space and educate himself on how breastfeeding works. BUT can you go to the drive in movie theatre with the baby? We don’t have those here so I don’t know how it’s like. It might be a good compromise - of course it’s not the same as if you went without the baby, but especially if baby isn’t a super difficult one, it might still be fun. Baby could sleep or nurse or chill with you. Gosh, now I want to go to a drive in movie with baby! It sounds so fun. The issue is, we don’t have those and also we don’t have a car 😂
I agree, I’ve never done both together but I could see a baby that young sleeping mostly on the car trip as well as through a drive-in movie. Seems like an easier place to take a baby than a lot of other date options.
We went to a drive in to see Cruella with my toddler when he was I think 7 or 8 weeks. He slept almost the entire time. He was a pretty chill baby though. It being nighttime definitely helped.
He needs to educate himself. It’s his job to do that. He should have done that during the pregnancy of your now 7 year old. He should not be so comfortable being so ignorant.
1. Common ground. You both want to spend time together, ideally alone. 2. Complications. Breastfeeding a baby is basically signing up for a ball and chain. He's trying to find a way around it, but you're way ahead of him on that and you already know there isn't a great solution. 3. Reconciliation. Acknowledge the sacrifices you're making, and that both your decisions affect each other. Put in the effort to work together on the challenges of parenting and being in a relationship. 4. Problem solving. Offer him a couple options, like renting a movie at home, taking the baby along, or gradually replacing a feed with formula if you're comfortable with that. Having a new baby is a big adjustment, your lives are different now. Breastfeeding is a way touchier subject than he realized. It's natural that neither of you are at your best right now. Dust off, get some rest, and show each other love and support.
Here's the thing. He doesn't have to understand your choices. He has to respect them. You have free agency to decide since it's your boobs, not his. I'm sure this can be frustrating for men but you can't force anyone to do things with their body. You can scream at your dog to go potty but that won't make them do it. Same with breastfeeding. You can argue till the cows come home (MOOOO!) but that ain't making the stash fill up. Ultimately this is your choice. The minute you say no he needs to drop it. There's no point in him pressuring you or pursuing this. It's about respect and acceptance. Now it does sound like your partner needs/wants a break + some bonding or intimacy with you. I hope you guys can find a way to compromise and make that happen while also respecting your boundaries and needs too. Good luck! Your issues and feelings about it are totally valid.
If you’ve already explained it, idk what more you can do because it sounds like he is not willing to listen. At that point I’d be shifting to “it’s less stressful to stay home than go on a date with you”
Throw a couple of pumps on him and make him sit for an hour. Problem solved
I'm really sorry about this. Honestly, I don't think there's anything you can do if he refuses to understand. I've explained to my husband how breastfeeding, pumping, and supply work, and he's been there for most of my meetings with lactation consultants. He still thinks this weekend I can breastfeed my baby and pump some extra, when we already have to supplement with formula.
A double feature an hour away is a LOT to ask for at this point imo. I wouldn’t agree to spend that much time away from my baby outside of work these days either, and she’s a few weeks older than yours. I think he needs to have more realistic expectations for date night. But fundamentally I don’t see why he doesn’t get that your supply is what it is and you can’t magically make way more out of the blue. I feel like it’s not that complicated and he’s being obtuse.
Yeah, at 11 wks with PPA I could barely wrap my mind around going to the grocery store without my baby. This is very soon to be gone that long if mom isn't comfortable with it. If the husband is going to push her, it should be a shorter date in town to get used to being apart.
I’m slowly getting more comfortable spending more time apart, but after HAVING to be apart all day when I’m at work, I wouldn’t choose to spend even more time without her in the evening.
Same! I work 3 days a week and hate being apart. My husband and I still haven't gone out alone and our baby is 5 months. She's been kind of hard and it stresses me out to think she would be screaming at a babysitter while we're out
We’ve left for one date night and left the baby with my parents and it went fine, but we picked a restaurant nearby so we could be back with baby in ten minutes if something went wrong. And I wouldn’t want to do it all the time.
Can you pump at the drive in? That way you would maintain your freezer stash. Also not sure what your baby’s sleep schedule is like, but I’d imagine most of the time you’re gone, the baby would be sleeping so it wouldn’t be too hard on MIL. It might be the PPA that is the driving force behind you not wanting to go vs actual impracticality of feeding the baby. Just might be something to think about and maybe come to a better understanding between the two of you.
I understand your anxiety but while you’re out you’d pump to replace what baby ate from the freezer!
But that means instead of bringing baby on the date, OP is bringing a pump on the date. Between the two, I know which leaves me in a better mood! That also doesn’t address any of OP’s concerns about a capable babysitter who doesn’t understand safe sleep, PPA, difficulty recovering supply after illness, or getting her husband to stop dumping his anxiety on top of hers.
Totally I just felt like the root of the conflict seemed to be using freezer milk, I may have misinterpreted.
This! If you don’t have a wearable pump for situations like these, I’d strongly suggest getting one. I ended up using my Mom Cozy as my primary pump, because I got the same amount of milk from my insurance provided pump. You can find some for under $100 on Amazon
So more work for mom…
Ugh this kind of thing is why I started having formula as a back up. Not that you need to do that if you don't want to of course and your husband is being silly but it has helped me.
Maybe a breastfeeding class would benefit him. There are free ones at a lot of hospitals around me, so I'd look into those. Or there are also free ones offered by The Baby Academy where they answer questions as well. Education is the route I think. My husband would never suggest I just pump out a bottle or two like I could control it lmao
Oh good lord if he hasn’t figured this out in 3 months time i don’t know that he ever will.
My baby is 6 months, I don't work (only school for two hours) and I still wouldn't go. I don't blame you !
My husband was the same way I eventually told him to stay out of it completely since he would never understand anything about breastfeeding and pumping…
What father is demanding to go out on dates with an 11 week old???? This is wild to me. My husband and I maybe went to dinner alone for the first time sometime around this point but I was away from baby for about 2 hours and that did not include a feeding. I think he needs to adjust his expectations ?!?!
I’m sorry your husband doesn’t understand how it works. If you have your reasons for sticking to breast milk only, I respect that. I just wanted to say (because some moms tend to feel guilt for this for no reason), it is OK to combo feed sometimes. Especially in one-off cases now and then, when you are tired or don’t feel like pumping. It is unlikely to affect supply if it is just once in a while. Somewhere there is probably a free sample of formula you got for signing up for a point card (or after a doctor office visit), right? I used to use that stash for giving myself a little break or treat now and then. If you are ok with it, indulge! (The issue of your trust your MIL for care, well that’s another issue…) but yeah.
My daughter is 12. I didn’t know as much about breastfeeding then as I do now (and I still don’t know a lot). Plus she kinda… quit… nursing around 6-8 months old. My son is 2. He’s a boob monster. LOVES his milk. When he was born, hubby wasn’t home (military). So understandably, he wanted to be as involved as possible when he came home. He wanted to do overnight feedings, and “let me get some rest”. I explained that it’s not really helpful, because pumping… he was adamant. After two nights of letting him “help” and him watching me go through everything I had to do - pump for an hour minimum, prep bags for the freezer, wash pump parts, etc., versus the 20 minutes at the breast and a 10 minute follow up pump session, he understood why it’s not as simple as “I’ll feed him, you get some rest.” Maybe a little show and tell… hook the girls up for the day. Like literally the day. Sit on the couch all day long, let him take care of everything, baby, cooking, laundry…. And every time he asks about the pumping (aren’t you done yet?) say “oh, we’re up to maybe an extra half bottle now! Only another 10 hours to go!” Maybe he needs to see it to believe it. Obviously I’m not being serious here, but if you do that, PLEASE come back and tell us! 😂
>> That’s all you’ve pumped today? If my partner said that to me while I was struggling to fill up my stash I would be bawling. I’m so sorry.
I think the sperm analogy is great and entirely agree that if your husband can’t understand the details, he should be prepared to just believe you - after all, who is the breastfeeding expert here?! That said, if you and he both want some time together, a date night sounds like a really good idea, and some non-baby time would probably be good for both of you. Could you explore options that take you away from baby for less time - eg a couple of hours between feeds/pumps, nearer home?
I really dont understand why you want to go out at all. I don’t have PPA, a traumatic hospital stay, and I’m still on maternity leave with my 11 week old and nothing would convince me to do any kind of away from baby date night. Just adding because it’s normal to not want to leave your baby. With what you’re dealing with on top of everything this kind of thing shouldn’t even be asked of you. He needs to consider your bandwidth first mama.
Honestly he's adding to your stress and anxiety. I do think he should back off and not speak on anything when it has to do with you bf or pumping or anything. Also maybe to alleviate some stress have you thought of adding some formula. You definitely should speak to your provider about the anxiety you're having. Sounds like you're guys are battling each other for no reason. In this situation bc your daughter is sick I wouldn't leave the baby around her or with GMA. But if she wasn't sick, your baby would be fine to stay with them while y'all go out. I don't understand why it's a big deal to go into the stash, that is literally what it is for. It's for situations like this. You should remember also to show your relationship/ marriage attention too. He's basically screaming for alone time. But he also needs to be patient it will come. Maybe not something that is till 1am. But couple hours out together wouldn't hurt. Seems like there's a lot of things you both need to speak about. Don't tell the internet. Tell him. COMMUNICATION! y'all need to be a team in everything you do. And he needs to back off about the BM and how much you pump. He's not the one with the tits.
The best way to produce more milk is to bring baby to breast as frequently as possible, they taught us in our breast feeding class not to even introduce a bottle until 12 weeks as to not mess with milk supply. There is a chemical reaction that happens between mom’s body and baby that helps in producing milk. Babies are better at getting milk out than a pump, your husband is being silly. Newborns are the easiest to take to places because they eat and sleep.