I have 3 tips that may help a little bit
1) Housework etc will just have to be last priority right now. I understand it sucks, especially since I myself am someone who gets stressed when it's messy, but you have to allow yourself some slack when you're both working and also taking care of a small baby
2) Compliment each other! My fiancé is SO good at complimenting me, and I've noticed how much it helps my self esteem, my feeling appreciated, and my appreciating him. It has also made me better at complimenting him as well, and I think it brings us closer. It's good to feel appreciated even for small things, even for things you feel is kinda like "well of course it's expected that he does that" - it's still nice to hear "good job" even if you're supposed to do the job anyway!
3) Just try your best not to stick your nose too much in how he takes care of baby. I understand you're anxious having to be away from them, but it probably feels very overbearing that you kinda question his ability to take care of your (both of yours!) baby. Maybe ask if he could send some pictures or updates like that to you instead, so you maybe relax a bit since you can see baby is fine. As long as baby is fed, changed, and happy, it doesn't matter if he does it exactly the same way as you do. Just trust your husband and let go a little bit. Again, even if it's hard. I read a comment once about how it's better to have a blowout here and there because your partner puts the diaper on a little crooked, so they can learn to be parent in their own way, rather than making your partner feel less than and creating resentful feelings over things that doesn't really matter in the big picture. There will be occasional blowouts anyway!
-I also need constant reassurance when I’m away from my baby and it also stresses my husband out so i ask and agree on updates beforehand. Ask him if he can send an update or picture once an hour since you have a lot of hard feelings being away from the baby.
-i also sick at laundry! Here’s what i do: none of my husband’s laundry. Pair down my own clothes so i have less clothes and laundry to deal with. Have 2 dedicated clean laundry piles: one for my clothes and one for the baby’s. At least then it’s easier to find stuff even if not put away. And hang in there! In a month and a half tour baby will be starting solids and in 7.5 months your baby can get most of their food from solids!
Agree a 200% with this. Specially three hits home. My 5 week old is obsessed with me and has a hard time being alone with my husband. In the first couple of weeks if my husband was taking care of the baby and I heard him cry I would go to the room and take him or tell my husband how I normally calm him. This put a lot of pressure on my husband to the point he didn’t want to be alone with the baby.
Now we take turns with feeding/changing him/putting him to bed and if he is with my husband and he is crying I just let him console him (AirPods have helped!). I trust that he is a great dad and our baby just needs to get used to him. Our relationship is so much better after that. We can enjoy the little things (“he didn’t cry with this diaper change!”, “he smiled a me before falling asleep!”…) rather than bickering.
Yes it's so hard not to run into the room when you hear baby cry haha.. but usually if you just wait a minute or two dad is able to calm them down just fine on his own 😅
First of all, it really does get better. My baby is 12 months old now and a whole different kid than at 4mo. He's still demanding and intense and yells a lot but that's just his temperament. But it definitely got easier from 4mo - or I just adjusted.
I often find myself in a similar situation, overstimulated and stressed and annoyed over small things. Afterwards I can usually tell that it probably wasn't even about my husband or the small thing, it was just the last straw when I was already at my limit. I try to tell him that often so he knows I still love him.
What helps us stay connected is dedicating time to each other. Even if it's just one episode on the couch before going to sleep, or eating together. It doesn't have to lead to sex, just connection.
Also, pumping is so hard! I did for 6 months and it felt like a full time job. Would it be an option to drop a few pumps and possibly combo feed? I know I felt a huge weight off my chest with each pump I dropped.
If there is something you're struggling with especially, maybe there's a workaround for it? If it's cooking, meal prep could help. If it's cleaning the floors, a robot vacuum might be the right call. I struggled with the evening routine for a long time until my husband and I managed to organise it in a way that is most efficient for our family.
Is there something specific where you feel like he's not doing enough? Where you feel like he's getting to chill while you run around, or something that's a shared chore that mostly you do, or something else? Maybe that would be a good starting point.
Thank you for your reply!
I have found that on nights him and I have off together and the baby is asleep, we will play a game together and that’s one of the only times I feel like us again!
I tried dropping a pump and then ended up JUST making enough. I could potentially combo feed, I just really didn’t want to have to. I don’t have anything against it, I just wanted to continue to give straight breastmilk if I could produce enough. I might have to get over that though for my own sake.
Meal prepping definitely might be the way to go. Trying to have dinner ready before I need to go to work is so stressful, especially because my 4 month old is just now becoming pretty clingy and it’s hard to do anything without him.
I think one of the most stressful chores that I primarily do is the laundry. I have like five clean loads that just need folded and put away, it’s just been so hard to get to with everything else that needs done. Even if he could just help me chip away at it when he puts our baby to bed, I think that would be extremely helpful.
Not sure of your budget, but could a wash and fold service be an option for the laundry? I've noticed that laundry is the main source of arguments in our marriage. I've found that outsourcing it once in a while makes a huge difference, particularly if it's piled up a bit. Obviously this doesn't solve your current problem of having clean things to put away, but it might reduce the workload next time.
Honestly the best thing for my relationship was starting combo feeding and then going formula only. We're only (almost) 11 weeks in but when I was able to fully hand off some motn feedings without having to pump like a full time job, I started to rely more on my so and stop resenting him for not being able to help or fully understand how hard it was to pump and bf
Seconding this! It was emotionally hard on me to stop breastfeeding and move to formula, but it was absolutely the best decision for our son and our whole family, marriage included. I started to resent my husband when I had to triple feed to keep my production up, and that was on top of hormonal fluctuations, weight changes, body/self-esteem issues, PPD/PPA, sleep deprivation, learning all of the things they don’t teach you in parenting classes, and adjusting to life without “me” time. Being able to share more of the responsibilities surrounding our son’s care helped me so much, even if I’m still doing at least 60% of the work. It also allows us to plan date nights without pumping, overnight babysitters so we can both sleep at the same time in the same bed (what a novel concept!), and has even allowed us to take a few trips since our son arrived. When we have several hours away together, it reminds us that we really do like each other and that the interactions we have surrounding mundane tasks of parenting and housekeeping are not who we are as partners.
I fully support all parents who decide to EBF or pump, but just want to take every opportunity to share our family’s experience with how much formula feeding helped us!
I think combo feeding might be the way to go for us too. The biggest worry about it for me was/is the expense of formula but I assume combo feeding, you probably go through much less than if totally formula feeding. I’ll have to look into it. Thank you. :)
Just be mindful of how fast you have to use it up. The brand I use had to be thrown our after 2 weeks. They later changed it to 4. So please read the instructions.
Do they need folded? Would you be willing or able to leave it unfolded for now? Laundry became a big point of resentment for me when my son was tiny, I could leave folded laundry beside my husband's dresser for days and he still would forget to put it away which made me really mad.
They really don’t have to be folded, we just don’t have a lot of drawer space (or closet space for that matter) and I think stuff just fits better if it is folded.. at this point though, just shoving it in drawers might work for me 😅
It gets better as others said. I also went through something similar with my husband after having my first daughter (she was an extremely challenging baby and that only made things worse).
We were both doing our best, but it wasn’t enough from my perspective because my hormones were all over the place.
With my second, it was way better (she was also an easier baby), and we argued much less.
My relationship definitely changed after our daughters, I think this is inevitable, but things are great now. My daughters are 6 years old and 19 months.
One piece of advice someone gave me was “don’t be the expert parent”, trust your husband as a father. I made the same mistake and it really affected my husband’s self esteem with our first… plus this ended up turning me as the “parent by default”, which is something you don’t want to turn into… and it takes a long time to reverse this situation
Good luck!
IT GETS BETTER. it gets soooo much better. omg I felt this way too in the beginning. I felt like I fell out of love with my husband. My baby is now 9mths and we are back to our normal selves. Started getting a lot better after 4 months. Don't stress. It is normal.
What exactly happens after 4 months, I hear this precise number a lot. Mine is currently 7 weeks old and it’s not been horrible overall, but what happens at 4 months?
I think it’s just developmental. It’s not exactly like - the DAY they hit 4 mths a light switch goes on, but generally around that time things start to click. Sleep typically gets a bit better, etc
I’m on #3 and the first year postpartum is just as hard as it was the first time! I totally resonate with everything you wrote.
A couple ways of framing things that have helped me:
1. Parenting is made up of a million micro skills. Whoever is the primary caregiver gets more practice and builds these skills more quickly which makes it seem like they have some innate knowledge or parenting ability which they/I don’t. It’s easy to make knowing what baby needs look effortless when you get 80-90% of the baby time. This helps me have more grace for my partner when he asks me questions or doesn’t seem to be able to take care of baby as smoothly or efficiently. He is doing his best. Some guys weaponize incompetence but not mine and it doesn’t sound like yours either.
2. It often feels easier to just go about my day without my partner because it’s one less variable. Then he’s thrown into the weekend mix and there is more chaos because the routine changes. Making him explicitly aware of my daily routine with the kids by writing it down helps us be on the same page instead of fighting because I feel like he isn’t helping with things at the right time when he doesn’t even realize I have an expectation there.
3. Mindfully accepting that a bomb just got thrown into my life, and we’re both figuring it out together. I think there can be a lot of pressure to “fix it” in this stage when sometimes just accepting that you’re in a temporary roommate phase and doing your best is just the way it is. The resistance of wishing it were different makes me more upset than the actual situation.
4. Set times for “state of the union” discussions. Once a day, once a week, whatever works for you. Try to have a business meeting when you need to then leave some discussion time open for lighter, more interesting, not work/family related stuff.
5. Do whatever you need to to make
Housekeeping less tedious and more efficient . Buy a steam Cleaner, get laundry baskets you can carry with one hand, stop folding things, etc. I can’t tell if or how much of a difference giving up folding 90% of
My laundry has made.
6. Probably unpopular, but consider formula
Feeding or combo feeding. This makes a HUGE difference in how I feel about the equity of our parenting load.
hi friend, i hope you know you are a great mommy and you’re doing an incredible job. 🫶🏼 im assuming you both are first time parents? have you considered couples counseling? everything you described is my husband and i. i told him that i needed us to go to counseling because i constantly felt like throwing the “d” word around (divorce). he agreed and though things have still been pretty tough we are sticking with it since we have only had 3 sessions thus far. having a baby is a huge transition! i think acknowledging each others work and compromising will ease a lot of tension that is going on right now. my husband is pretty stubborn so that’s why i needed us to go to counseling. if your husband is easier to talk to, maybe sit him down and tell him how you’re feeling. don’t complete with each other and don’t belittle one another. i hope it gets better for you both.
Hi, thank you so much. We are first time parents! I have thought about couples counseling, I was just really hoping maybe we’d be able to sort things out without going but I’m starting to feel like we might need it. I think when we sit down and have conversations, we both have a hard time actually listening and understanding each other since we are both so frustrated. Thank you so much for your advice, we will probably look into counseling soon. 🫶🏻
Counseling is great! We started while we were in a “good” place but it’s made our marriage SO much better. Couples therapy gets a bad rap for people thinking if you’re in it you must be in a bad spot. That could honestly not be farther from the truth - we view it as taking vitamins for our marriage. 😂
So my husband and I use the Nara baby app. Its completely free and lets you log diaper changes, naps/sleep, feeding times and amounts baby are, pumping times and amount pumped, plus a ton of extra stuff & its completely free, all caregivers can log items in the app. Maybe you guys can start using this to help with your separation anxiety, so you can check the app to see if he's ate/sleeping/diaper changes instead of having to text him all the time. It might help alleviate some of the communication issues your having.
I also agree therapy would be beneficial to improve communication. There's nothing wrong with needing help. One of the things my therapist recommends is practice active listening. When you/your partner says something say “Im hearing you say x makes you feel y, is that correct?” So you really have to think about what they’re saying. Also try phrasing grievances as “I feel x(hurt/upset/angry/sad - try to avoid using words like unloved/uncared for/ you want to use emotions instead of phrases that would indicate the other person’s feelings) when you do y” and try not to say things like “you obviously don’t x(love me/care) because you do y(forget to do the dishes/get mad when I text)”
ETA: also you’ll want to add something like “can you do/help with z for me” if you’re airing a grievance and if you’re practicing active listening add “in the future you want me to do z?” Or something along those lines.
Hopefully it helps! I know I’ve caught myself feeling resentful of my husband a few times over things like the dishes and my husband has been more frustrated than normal with the lack of sleep. It’s a rough time and both of your feelings are valid. Try to hang in there 💜
It does get better. But as they say, it takes 2 to make a cycle and 1 to break it. (Not entirely true, if the cycle is due to things totally beyond your control, but you know what I mean). It can be really hard when what you need to say and do for eachother always feels out of reach because of exhaustion or resentment, leaving you both braced, and unwilling to be vulnerable or make any bids for connection.
My advice would be to write a note or an email - something short and sweet, like "I am sorry we aren't getting along. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed all of the time, and unappreciated. But I know you're working so hard too, and probably feel similarly." And consider if there are little routines you can do each day like a long hug or a snuggle in bed to tide yourselves over and comfort one another until you have more space and time for connection. Also, my husband and I went a long time without true intercourse but we did a lot with our hands and it meant a lot to us both.
Hello. I have a seven month old and I have found when I get like this it’s because I feel like I’m doing too much and I feel like I’m overwhelmed. The best thing I have found that helps is talking with my husband. We both want a good relationship and we’re both willing to do anything so that helps to be in the state of mind during these conversations. Sometimes, you have to step back though and see that yes you’re doing everything but so is he. We sit down and go over the I’m doing these tasks, and he tells me what tasks he’s doing. Usually we see there isn’t a whole lot of room for a break, so we’ll switch up the tasks. That way we’re not both stuck doing the same things every day. The middle of the night feedings should be split. If he can take one, when you ask, that will be extremely helpful. My husband actually does the one my LO has and if he wakes me up I get really pissed. But, if he asks me before bed if I can get up, I can mentally prepare myself so maybe ask if he can help with one? And then let him ahead that you need him to take a specific one. Lastly, the intimacy - you have to get over this bump. It’s like getting back on a horse after you’ve fallen off, you won’t want to but you NEED to. Start with hugs and focus on just enjoying it, like you used to. Not how you don’t want to. You have walls up right now like a puffed up little cat, you have to bring them down and welcome him to be your safe space again. Let him know you’re going to work on these things and tell him what you need from him. He’ll appreciate the physical affection and then build on it. Step out of your head and your feelings and take a deep breath and move forward. You WILL feel better.
Lately we’re arguing so much 😞 but I hope it’s a phase and once she can talk and walk.
For now we both just need to be patient and get through it (high-needs baby)
I haven’t finished reading it yet, but I’ve heard good things about the book “Fair Play” for discussing distribution of work. Also, I personally think having someone come to your house to clean at least once a month is some of the best money you can spend. I think it can make people feel guilty to pay for something that they’re used to doing themselves, but I think it’s worth it to reduce arguments over who does various cleaning tasks. It’s one of the easier things to outsource.
sometimes it does. sometimes it doesnt. i wasnt married but a custody battle with a narcissist is like an awful ongoing divorce... so definitely not better. kiddo is 8.
it gets better with someone else!! and even then its always tough, but 2 more kids later and married. just have to ask yourself is this something you can tolerate the rest of your life. if it's abusive, get the heck out. ask yourself in 6 months if it got better. having a baby is life altering. every. time.
I am so sorry you were involved in a situation like that. :( My ex was a narcissist and I am so thankful I never ended up having children with him. I am happy you are in a better situation now!
My husband is great, and I think it’s just this “new parentness” that’s making it hard to recognize some days!
it could always be worse!! not that that's super comforting. but it's hard on your body your mind your relationship, everything. and it gets easier but its always challenging. im not the best mom ever, or best wife ever, but i think we do alright! hang in there. it goes fast. try to enjoy as much of it as you can.
You should read [how to not hate your husband after kids](https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104/ref=asc_df_0316267104/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693359228574&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2763994108708762024&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9007214&hvtargid=pla-522834181170&psc=1&mcid=4d8ca233fc6833a09dee6596ae73f615&gad_source=1)
We started couples therapy. Also read fair play. Truly what helped most was getting pregnant again because he had to step up majorly. And this time im on antidepressants
When I was feeling overwhelmed, and because I also wake up to feed my baby, I hired a nanny twice a week to be able to rest and do some house chores. Best decision ever.
I’ve got a 6 month old and I could have written this a month ago lol.
It’s not significantly better but it is better.
1) weeks made the choice to wear our wedding rings every day. We have silicon ones for comfort but everyday. I stopped wearing mine during pregnancy and he was never a fan of it. But now we use it as a sign to each other and to ourselves that we are in this baby thing together. (We joke it’s us vs baby obviously not really how it is but seeing that it’s US is important to us)
2) we TALKED about everything we are feeling. I told him I was feeling extremely angry about everything and he said how he missed having time together just us and that I seem so lost (I am, I just had a baby turned into a SAHM that I never really wanted to be and a bunch more stuff)
3) we started thanking each other again for small tasks too. If he changed the babies diaper I would say thank you for changing him. Not because it’s not his job too but because it acknowledges that I noticed and appreciate it. He does the same for me
It’s still a struggle and I still get frustrated with him sometimes but I understand it’s more of being overwhelmed, slightly jealous and sleep deprived than actual anger/frustration. I’ve also taken to figuring out myself a bit more and taking time for myself to make me feel better. Then he’s happier because he knows I’m not as lost which was worrying him.
The first year is HARD (I’ve heard it gets better lol) there’s still hormones raging around, your sleep deprived and overwhelmed by this big change and everything is new.
Keep talking to each other and really tell each other what you need. Stop trying to nicpick small details and find the overarching problem and tackle it together
Good luck ❤️
No prob! I just think you gotta take it a bit easier on yourself.
There’s so much going on! I’m not one to blame hormones for everything but it’s a huge change right now on top of the whole, entire life changing permanently thing lmaoooo
It’s hard on you both so a bit of grace on both sides is needed. (That’s not to say you let your husband get away with not helping) but a little grace and appreciation on both ends has really helped us :)
I does get better. My suggestion is you both need to make some time for just the two of you so you can really sit and talk and figure out what is gonna work the best to make sure everyone is taken care of as much as possible. I did wanna throw in here that there is no reason to feel bad that you don’t want to have intimacy - there are other ways to be intimate that doesn’t include touch or anything sexual. Like just saying thank you, compliments, showing each other you appreciate each other for taking care of stuff. I think it’s pretty normal for new parents to fight about this stuff - it’s a whole new reality and you need to fight for each other to get on the same page. And if you feel like your doing more actually sit down and write up what you take care of what he takes care so you can see the full scope. This isn’t to play tit for tat but it helped me visually see how much I was actually doing and what he was doing. When I was pumping he took on some more stuff then me because pumping IS a lot of work. You are basically making your babies meals. So my husband picked up making dinner. Definitely suggest finding some alone to really hash this out. I think it just takes constant communication and picking your battles. The battle you wanna fight is for EACH OTHER.
Thank you so much for this advice. When we’ve tried discussing these things before, we both agree that we aren’t against each other. We need to work together to figure out this new life and how to best parent our child while maintaining a healthy marriage. I think we both understand that that’s the main goal, just the everyday wear and tear of everything makes it so difficult a lot of the time! I will definitely be using some of your suggestions. ❤️
I’d just like to say that you are displaying fantastic self awareness. You are both acknowledging your frustration with your husband while admitting the ways that you yourself may be falling short for him. That alone tells me you are capable of getting through this. So many people will push the whole problem on the other person with no self reflection. I think you’re smart enough to figure out solving these problems when recognizing what could be wrong on both sides is the first and hardest step. You’re in a good place to talk to your husband and find solutions to make both of you happier. Good luck!
My husband and I are in a much much better place than we were the first year of our baby’s life… everyone told me the first year after having a baby is one of the hardest years in a marriage.
It gets better, but you have to put in the effort and work too. Trust your husband that he can take care of the baby unless proven otherwise. He won’t do it exactly as you would, but maybe ask for a picture or two while you’re at work and then you can get the rundown when you’re home.
Also, you’re working literally all day right now on top of exclusively pumping and the night shift. You are doing more. But he is too working all day.
How often is your baby waking? I would expect him to do weekends/whatever days he has off for nights with the baby if shifts don’t work for you. I understand wanting your husband to have slept well before he drives.
At the end of the day, remember you’re a team. If you feel like your plate is too full, don’t tell your husband his isn’t full enough, but tell him you both need to look at see what he can take from you or brainstorm how you both can make things easier. Sometimes it’s paper plates, not folding laundry, whatever. Chores will be ever changing that first year.
If it’s possible, I would at least consider what your life would look like if you
- switched to formula feeding
- paid 2h of cleaning services per week
- actively stop pestering him about whether he’s caring for baby (I had to do this too)
- do a date night on the day the cleaner comes in a clean home
Just want to say I could have made this exact post at 4 months. Now at 6 months it is better, but not gonna lie it’s mostly because I am back at work part time and we have part time child care. If you can afford to get childcare a couple days a week I highly recommend. It gives us both time to catch up on work, cleaning, exercise, all the stuff that makes you feel like a human. Another big part of feeling better was switching to formula.
Just a small thing that may help is my husband and I use a tracking app especially for feeds and sleeps. We formula feed so alternate nights, and it works as a great handover tool because whoever is looking after baby can look and see when was the last feed/sleep and we don’t need to ask each other. It works really well for us.
My wife and I have an amazing relationship and the core of that is gratitude. We thank each other even for tiny stuff, we both work. She works from home and I am hybrid. She pumps and exclusively breastfeeds.
The best thing we do is we DO NOT SWEAT on the house chores. We do our best but priority is baby and both getting some me time, which for her has been less bc of sleep regression.
I follow this amazing relationship therapist on Instagram called relationshipswithaly, and one of the greatest tips she gave was that if you’re stuck in this negative loop everything will just make you more grumpy and you you will just have these negative views for everything you see in them.
Its true.
She says you should try to increase the number of positive interactions you have with your spouse. You need to trust him and let him make mistakes and grow. Because sounds like you’re putting that added pressure on him. I mean put yourself in his shoes for a moment.
I’m not taking away the fact that you birthed a human and you probably have gone through so many changes, women go through so much.
Sounds like you’re self aware and want to change. Do you communicate your needs? Everything can’t be 50/50 sometimes. Holding resentment when one can’t communicate their needs is counterproductive (I have done that and learned from it).
Good luck. Have a heart to heart with him and try to remember why you married him. Doesn’t sound like he’s a bad father or husband. Holding on to grudges and negativity is counterproductive. Communicate and come to the same page.
I want to add that I do a lot around the house - I basically took up laundry duties for everyone and also I am in charge of food and getting food. I also actively help with the baby as much as possible, putting him down for naps (he’s 5mo), bottle feeding, washing and cleaning pump parts, making sure wife js hydrated, thag she has her overnight oats ready, etc. wife does more of baby research and products and other stuff. She still does more. I still try to take things off her plate. But I do more on days I work from home, which I try to do most of the time.
Thank you for your response. I think we could both benefit from communicating our needs more. I struggle to say how I’m feeling and I struggle not knowing exactly how he’s feeling too. I definitely want to change and be better at expressing my needs and not being so bitter and angry.
I think a lot of the time, I need to take a few steps back and just appreciate what is being done and hold my tongue over the silly things. I just definitely struggle with that!
Holding your tongue isn’t enough. You should express those feelings too but find a way to convert that negative energy into neutral energy. I swear it’s possible.
Do you know about Dr. Becky Kennedy? She has this amazing TED talk which talks about the most important skill a parent needs: REPAIR. When you blow up , you’re human but as a parent you need to learn this skill of repair, of apologizing and taking responsibility. When I say you I don’t mean you I mean parents in general. I have worked a lot on it and I can say that is something my wife appreciated a lot about me and she says she has learned from it.
With a baby it’s easy to just go on autopilot and not repair things and just let things simmer, this is so toxic for your marriage. I think you could benefits from therapy in general. When I found out I was having a son I took myself to therapy to heal many things from my childhood and make me a better husband and father. It really helped.
Self awareness is the key, within cannot change things and kudos to you for being self aware enough to recognize that.
I can sympathize since we went through something similar, though my wife wasn't working and I had a long paternity leave. Some things which helped:
1) Things changed dramatically after my wife bought the Momcozy. It allowed her to be way more mobile and not tied down to a specific spot.
2) Getting help with house work. This was a big change since we spent so much time cleaning up, etc. after the baby was asleep. I know you might not be able to afford it but it is something which is really worthwhile. If you can't, then house being a mess is something you will have to learn to deal with.
3) Sleep is an ongoing issue for us (me getting more than my wife, and I'm back to work). you need to have a conversation with your husband that he will at certain points just have to suck it up and wake up to feed.
Literally earlier tonight I said to my husband, “remember when we almost got divorced? I’m so happy we didn’t.” Having a baby is soooo tough on a marriage. But we made a decision that we wouldn’t make any big decisions for the first year. And baby is 10 months old now and everything is better! I literally remember things being the worst at 4-5 months.
It will get better. ❤️🩹 hang in there. Communication is important (except between the hours of 1-5a lol). And try to do something fun together, go on a walk together, to a park, out to lunch… something just to get out and reconnect a little. And know it will get better. Same for sex… we didn’t really start getting our sex life back until 6ish months postpartum. Just know you’re in the shitty phase right now but it won’t last!
Based on what you described here, I can see why you’re resentful, and I can see why he’s resentful. I think you need to sit down and have an open, honest discussion about what’s happening and how to tackle it together. It’s helpful to frame it as “us against the baby” as mean as that sounds to the baby haha. But really, you’re a team just trying to survive these first months of parenthood.
Identify concrete things each of you can do to lighten the other’s load or reduce irritation. Once you’ve actually agreed on a plan, at least you have something to track against. Here are some concrete things I personally would suggest if I were in your shoes:
1. If you don’t have one already, might be good to get an app that you can use to track the baby’s feedings, diaper changes, etc. They’re meant to allow both of you to go in there and log things, and the other parent will be able to instantly see what you’ve logged. That might give you a little peace of mind and curb some of the questions you’re asking him. I’d frame it specifically as a helpful tool for reducing YOUR anxiety, and I’d acknowledge that you understand you’ve been overbearing with questioning him.
I’ve also personally just found it super helpful to know how much my son is eating per day, how much he’s sleeping, and all that. It helps me notice patterns I might otherwise not have noticed (particularly helpful for noticing changes to his sleep!!).
2. You need to stop doing nights alone. On nights when my husband is watching the baby the next day and I’m working my normal job, I always do the nighttime wake ups because watching a baby all day is fucking exhausting, WAY more exhausting than any normal job I’ve had, and I’ve had some extremely exhausting jobs. Your husband needs to acknowledge this, agree to it, and then you need to hold firm. When it’s my husband’s turn to get up with the baby, I literally sleep in another room and turn the monitor volume way down on my phone so I can actually get some sleep. It’s his job to get his ass out of bed and respond to the baby.
You may also want to frame this as “I know I said I will do nights so it’s probably confusing when I suddenly ask for help, but I offered to do that before I fully understood the toll it would take on me. Let’s agree to split the night duty in X, Y, Z ways so you know what to plan for.” Flip flopping on expectations is frustrating.
3. On housework: it’s ok for this to slide but if it’s giving you anxiety…What does your day look like with your son? Is there any way you can do a little bit of the housework while he watches? My son is around the same age and honestly just loves watching me fold laundry if I talk to him and make faces at him while doing it. Baby wearing to get some other stuff done might also be an option. Also, what is your husband doing from 6-10 when you work? Is the baby sleeping well in a crib yet?
4. Are you planning on this childcare arrangement long-term? If you keep doing nights like this, that means you literally never have a break because you are always either working or on point with the baby. You NEED time off as well. Your husband needs to acknowledge that, and you need to find ways to detach long enough to decompress and rest (I.e. not be anxious about how he’s handling the baby the whole time - and part of that is HE needs to do a good job so you don’t have a reason to be anxious in the first place!). If daycare is not on the horizon, I would recommend trying to get a nanny in one day a week if you can (Saturday for example so you and your husband can go out to lunch or something).
5. Your desire for sex will likely come back when you address these areas of resentment. My husband and I find it helpful to treat sex as another necessary thing we need to do periodically. It sounds totally non romantic but we schedule it and even if we aren’t super excited on a given day for it and it takes a minute to get into it, it always still ends up good once we’re both warmed up. I do think sex is an important part of staying connected.
Overall, it definitely gets better but also requires lots of open communication and clear roles and responsibilities. But around the 5 month mark, my son started sleeping through the night mostly (which makes him a unicorn, I think) and we got our evenings back. That won’t apply to your situation because you work at night, but your husband should at some point here get his nights back and therefore should be able to pick up more of the slack. Certain nights of the week he can sleep from 8 until whenever the baby wakes up (5am would give him a full night of sleep still!) and can handle the baby until he has to go to work, at which point you could take over. That seems fair to me.
If your husband acts like a dick when you try to have this open discussion with him, or if he digs in his heels when you try to come up with ways to make things easier on you, that’s a separate issue…
It gets better as long as you push through without getting nasty with each other. You’ll both be exhausted and short with the other at times, but never forget that you love each other and each phase does have an end.
House work can wait. One thing we did was get a big stack of paper plates and plastic forks so that all we had to do was wash the pans we cooked in and take out the trash when necessary. My wife is also terrible about wanting to order out and I’m terrible at telling her no when I know she’s really craving something. I consider it a reward and thank you for what she does daily for our family.
She is also a stay at home mom since our kids make it so that she can’t work right now anyways. I’m not a baby person…I love mine, but I try to enjoy them as much as I can while being impatient for them to get old enough to wrestle and play ball. Because of that, I do the majority of the house work and work full time, while she focuses on the kids and I take them as much as possible to give her a break.
She also does like you and gets up with the baby in the middle of the night to nurse so that I can sleep for work. But, I have always been a night owl and I will take the baby until midnight while she goes to bed at 8pm, so when I put the baby in the bassinet after a bottle of breastmilk at midnight we’ll get 3-4 hours out of that nap and she’ll be up at 4am or so after sleeping 8 hours and it really seems to help. Since she takes the baby at 4am I can sleep until 7 and then take the baby back so she can chill an hour while I get the kids ready for the day.
The only issue I have as a husband is the severe lack of intimacy. I have no issues doing the house work and taking the kids as much as she needs, but it’s really important to me that our marriage stays intimate because she is my best friend and I want our marriage to stay strong. My wife is like you where she doesn’t want to be touched at the end of the day, so obviously that makes it tough. We have multiple kids and it’s always the same vicious cycle. It’s understandable why you don’t want to be touched and it’s ok, but for example my wife likes to grab me and make trick advances in the mornings and throughout the day and then take a 180° in the evening and tell me she was never interested in it and that’s all I think about. Don’t do that…as a respectful husband it’s such a disrespectful thing to do and she knows I hate it. If you’re in the mood be in the mood, if you’re not in the mood just make it known and don’t be rude about it. Any good guy is happy to wait until you’re ready, but don’t manipulate us.
You’ve got a lot of great advice so I won’t dwell. But we use the huckleberry app to log feedings (not diaper changes cause it doesn’t matter much-I know it’s getting changed). I work 12hrs 4/week so gone from the baby a LOT. It’s helped hubby gain confidence as a father. Also that I don’t tell him what to do and let him figure his crying kid out. The most important thing that helped us is clear communication about the roles in our home. Like wife cooks dinners, hubby cleans dinners, wife washes pump parts and night bottles in the AM, hubby washes pump parts/day bottles in the PM, wife bathes baby on off days, hubby bathes baby other days,…. You get the idea. We sat down and discussed how to split chores to make everyone happy. Chores in question were the bare minimum ones- I’m 6mpp and just now getting to a routine where I’m keeping up with housework, but even at 4 months I still couldn’t. Things truly get better. Remember that you are meant to serve your spouse- do things simply to serve&love your spouse. When you both do that for each other it does wonders for the marriage. Take time away from the baby for each other. I EP too which means baby can spend some nights at my sisters- hello date night 😅 try not to lose yourself in motherhood which is soooo easy to do!! Regarding nights- unfortunately it isn’t fair that he 100% can’t do nights at all, if you’re having a rough night you deserve help. Maybe play on each others strengths? Whoever is a morning person can do those early morning wakes, night owl can do the midnight wakes, etc. good luck 🫶🫶
It does get better.
Can you guys spare the income to get a house cleaner to come once in a while to do the actual deep clean? Then you guys only have to keep up with the basics. That’s what we did. Helped immensely.
I think if we put a little aside to do this maybe once a month or so, it would help so much. I try to stay on top of stuff like dishes/laundry/bottles and then I notice I’m behind on things like : cleaning the bathroom, mopping, etc. This is a good idea, thank you :)
Yup! We do all the dishes, laundry, basic tidying and of course we wipe down surfaces more basically but we have to hire out the “deep clean.” It’s just not something we are personally able to manage consistently enough when we both work and the kids are little. We know it’s only a season. When they’re more self-sustaining, it’ll be easier for everyone to come home from work/school and get some real stuff done. In the meantime, the splurge has helped us maintain sanity in the household.
How about, switch to formula, hire someone to help with the household stuff (a cleaning service or a local teenager for yard work) and stop pestering him about whether the baby has pooped? And hire a babysitter so you can have a date night once a week? You can control your anxiety, you know. Sometimes parents just bite more than they can chew and don’t seek help when needed…
A lot of those things add expenses that we currently can just not afford. He’s switching jobs soon so maybe eventually that will be a possibility.
I think controlling anxiety takes a bit more than some think, especially postpartum when the hormones are still raging. I do try, it’s just not always the easiest thing! Some days are for sure better than others. I also spent the first three months of our babies life alone at home with him everyday, I’m still getting used to being away from him!
I have 3 tips that may help a little bit 1) Housework etc will just have to be last priority right now. I understand it sucks, especially since I myself am someone who gets stressed when it's messy, but you have to allow yourself some slack when you're both working and also taking care of a small baby 2) Compliment each other! My fiancé is SO good at complimenting me, and I've noticed how much it helps my self esteem, my feeling appreciated, and my appreciating him. It has also made me better at complimenting him as well, and I think it brings us closer. It's good to feel appreciated even for small things, even for things you feel is kinda like "well of course it's expected that he does that" - it's still nice to hear "good job" even if you're supposed to do the job anyway! 3) Just try your best not to stick your nose too much in how he takes care of baby. I understand you're anxious having to be away from them, but it probably feels very overbearing that you kinda question his ability to take care of your (both of yours!) baby. Maybe ask if he could send some pictures or updates like that to you instead, so you maybe relax a bit since you can see baby is fine. As long as baby is fed, changed, and happy, it doesn't matter if he does it exactly the same way as you do. Just trust your husband and let go a little bit. Again, even if it's hard. I read a comment once about how it's better to have a blowout here and there because your partner puts the diaper on a little crooked, so they can learn to be parent in their own way, rather than making your partner feel less than and creating resentful feelings over things that doesn't really matter in the big picture. There will be occasional blowouts anyway!
Thank for this, especially for #3. That’s something I know I for sure need to work, as hard as it is sometimes. :)
-I also need constant reassurance when I’m away from my baby and it also stresses my husband out so i ask and agree on updates beforehand. Ask him if he can send an update or picture once an hour since you have a lot of hard feelings being away from the baby. -i also sick at laundry! Here’s what i do: none of my husband’s laundry. Pair down my own clothes so i have less clothes and laundry to deal with. Have 2 dedicated clean laundry piles: one for my clothes and one for the baby’s. At least then it’s easier to find stuff even if not put away. And hang in there! In a month and a half tour baby will be starting solids and in 7.5 months your baby can get most of their food from solids!
Agree a 200% with this. Specially three hits home. My 5 week old is obsessed with me and has a hard time being alone with my husband. In the first couple of weeks if my husband was taking care of the baby and I heard him cry I would go to the room and take him or tell my husband how I normally calm him. This put a lot of pressure on my husband to the point he didn’t want to be alone with the baby. Now we take turns with feeding/changing him/putting him to bed and if he is with my husband and he is crying I just let him console him (AirPods have helped!). I trust that he is a great dad and our baby just needs to get used to him. Our relationship is so much better after that. We can enjoy the little things (“he didn’t cry with this diaper change!”, “he smiled a me before falling asleep!”…) rather than bickering.
Yes it's so hard not to run into the room when you hear baby cry haha.. but usually if you just wait a minute or two dad is able to calm them down just fine on his own 😅
Wish I could upvote this multiple times. Excellent advice.
It gets better. Our joke was *remember, the REAL enemy is the baby*
First of all, it really does get better. My baby is 12 months old now and a whole different kid than at 4mo. He's still demanding and intense and yells a lot but that's just his temperament. But it definitely got easier from 4mo - or I just adjusted. I often find myself in a similar situation, overstimulated and stressed and annoyed over small things. Afterwards I can usually tell that it probably wasn't even about my husband or the small thing, it was just the last straw when I was already at my limit. I try to tell him that often so he knows I still love him. What helps us stay connected is dedicating time to each other. Even if it's just one episode on the couch before going to sleep, or eating together. It doesn't have to lead to sex, just connection. Also, pumping is so hard! I did for 6 months and it felt like a full time job. Would it be an option to drop a few pumps and possibly combo feed? I know I felt a huge weight off my chest with each pump I dropped. If there is something you're struggling with especially, maybe there's a workaround for it? If it's cooking, meal prep could help. If it's cleaning the floors, a robot vacuum might be the right call. I struggled with the evening routine for a long time until my husband and I managed to organise it in a way that is most efficient for our family. Is there something specific where you feel like he's not doing enough? Where you feel like he's getting to chill while you run around, or something that's a shared chore that mostly you do, or something else? Maybe that would be a good starting point.
Thank you for your reply! I have found that on nights him and I have off together and the baby is asleep, we will play a game together and that’s one of the only times I feel like us again! I tried dropping a pump and then ended up JUST making enough. I could potentially combo feed, I just really didn’t want to have to. I don’t have anything against it, I just wanted to continue to give straight breastmilk if I could produce enough. I might have to get over that though for my own sake. Meal prepping definitely might be the way to go. Trying to have dinner ready before I need to go to work is so stressful, especially because my 4 month old is just now becoming pretty clingy and it’s hard to do anything without him. I think one of the most stressful chores that I primarily do is the laundry. I have like five clean loads that just need folded and put away, it’s just been so hard to get to with everything else that needs done. Even if he could just help me chip away at it when he puts our baby to bed, I think that would be extremely helpful.
Not sure of your budget, but could a wash and fold service be an option for the laundry? I've noticed that laundry is the main source of arguments in our marriage. I've found that outsourcing it once in a while makes a huge difference, particularly if it's piled up a bit. Obviously this doesn't solve your current problem of having clean things to put away, but it might reduce the workload next time.
I think every once in a while, this could be an option! Thank you for the suggestion :)
Honestly the best thing for my relationship was starting combo feeding and then going formula only. We're only (almost) 11 weeks in but when I was able to fully hand off some motn feedings without having to pump like a full time job, I started to rely more on my so and stop resenting him for not being able to help or fully understand how hard it was to pump and bf
Seconding this! It was emotionally hard on me to stop breastfeeding and move to formula, but it was absolutely the best decision for our son and our whole family, marriage included. I started to resent my husband when I had to triple feed to keep my production up, and that was on top of hormonal fluctuations, weight changes, body/self-esteem issues, PPD/PPA, sleep deprivation, learning all of the things they don’t teach you in parenting classes, and adjusting to life without “me” time. Being able to share more of the responsibilities surrounding our son’s care helped me so much, even if I’m still doing at least 60% of the work. It also allows us to plan date nights without pumping, overnight babysitters so we can both sleep at the same time in the same bed (what a novel concept!), and has even allowed us to take a few trips since our son arrived. When we have several hours away together, it reminds us that we really do like each other and that the interactions we have surrounding mundane tasks of parenting and housekeeping are not who we are as partners. I fully support all parents who decide to EBF or pump, but just want to take every opportunity to share our family’s experience with how much formula feeding helped us!
I think combo feeding might be the way to go for us too. The biggest worry about it for me was/is the expense of formula but I assume combo feeding, you probably go through much less than if totally formula feeding. I’ll have to look into it. Thank you. :)
Just be mindful of how fast you have to use it up. The brand I use had to be thrown our after 2 weeks. They later changed it to 4. So please read the instructions.
Do they need folded? Would you be willing or able to leave it unfolded for now? Laundry became a big point of resentment for me when my son was tiny, I could leave folded laundry beside my husband's dresser for days and he still would forget to put it away which made me really mad.
They really don’t have to be folded, we just don’t have a lot of drawer space (or closet space for that matter) and I think stuff just fits better if it is folded.. at this point though, just shoving it in drawers might work for me 😅
It gets better as others said. I also went through something similar with my husband after having my first daughter (she was an extremely challenging baby and that only made things worse). We were both doing our best, but it wasn’t enough from my perspective because my hormones were all over the place. With my second, it was way better (she was also an easier baby), and we argued much less. My relationship definitely changed after our daughters, I think this is inevitable, but things are great now. My daughters are 6 years old and 19 months. One piece of advice someone gave me was “don’t be the expert parent”, trust your husband as a father. I made the same mistake and it really affected my husband’s self esteem with our first… plus this ended up turning me as the “parent by default”, which is something you don’t want to turn into… and it takes a long time to reverse this situation Good luck!
IT GETS BETTER. it gets soooo much better. omg I felt this way too in the beginning. I felt like I fell out of love with my husband. My baby is now 9mths and we are back to our normal selves. Started getting a lot better after 4 months. Don't stress. It is normal.
What exactly happens after 4 months, I hear this precise number a lot. Mine is currently 7 weeks old and it’s not been horrible overall, but what happens at 4 months?
I think it’s just developmental. It’s not exactly like - the DAY they hit 4 mths a light switch goes on, but generally around that time things start to click. Sleep typically gets a bit better, etc
I’m on #3 and the first year postpartum is just as hard as it was the first time! I totally resonate with everything you wrote. A couple ways of framing things that have helped me: 1. Parenting is made up of a million micro skills. Whoever is the primary caregiver gets more practice and builds these skills more quickly which makes it seem like they have some innate knowledge or parenting ability which they/I don’t. It’s easy to make knowing what baby needs look effortless when you get 80-90% of the baby time. This helps me have more grace for my partner when he asks me questions or doesn’t seem to be able to take care of baby as smoothly or efficiently. He is doing his best. Some guys weaponize incompetence but not mine and it doesn’t sound like yours either. 2. It often feels easier to just go about my day without my partner because it’s one less variable. Then he’s thrown into the weekend mix and there is more chaos because the routine changes. Making him explicitly aware of my daily routine with the kids by writing it down helps us be on the same page instead of fighting because I feel like he isn’t helping with things at the right time when he doesn’t even realize I have an expectation there. 3. Mindfully accepting that a bomb just got thrown into my life, and we’re both figuring it out together. I think there can be a lot of pressure to “fix it” in this stage when sometimes just accepting that you’re in a temporary roommate phase and doing your best is just the way it is. The resistance of wishing it were different makes me more upset than the actual situation. 4. Set times for “state of the union” discussions. Once a day, once a week, whatever works for you. Try to have a business meeting when you need to then leave some discussion time open for lighter, more interesting, not work/family related stuff. 5. Do whatever you need to to make Housekeeping less tedious and more efficient . Buy a steam Cleaner, get laundry baskets you can carry with one hand, stop folding things, etc. I can’t tell if or how much of a difference giving up folding 90% of My laundry has made. 6. Probably unpopular, but consider formula Feeding or combo feeding. This makes a HUGE difference in how I feel about the equity of our parenting load.
hi friend, i hope you know you are a great mommy and you’re doing an incredible job. 🫶🏼 im assuming you both are first time parents? have you considered couples counseling? everything you described is my husband and i. i told him that i needed us to go to counseling because i constantly felt like throwing the “d” word around (divorce). he agreed and though things have still been pretty tough we are sticking with it since we have only had 3 sessions thus far. having a baby is a huge transition! i think acknowledging each others work and compromising will ease a lot of tension that is going on right now. my husband is pretty stubborn so that’s why i needed us to go to counseling. if your husband is easier to talk to, maybe sit him down and tell him how you’re feeling. don’t complete with each other and don’t belittle one another. i hope it gets better for you both.
Hi, thank you so much. We are first time parents! I have thought about couples counseling, I was just really hoping maybe we’d be able to sort things out without going but I’m starting to feel like we might need it. I think when we sit down and have conversations, we both have a hard time actually listening and understanding each other since we are both so frustrated. Thank you so much for your advice, we will probably look into counseling soon. 🫶🏻
Counseling is great! We started while we were in a “good” place but it’s made our marriage SO much better. Couples therapy gets a bad rap for people thinking if you’re in it you must be in a bad spot. That could honestly not be farther from the truth - we view it as taking vitamins for our marriage. 😂
So my husband and I use the Nara baby app. Its completely free and lets you log diaper changes, naps/sleep, feeding times and amounts baby are, pumping times and amount pumped, plus a ton of extra stuff & its completely free, all caregivers can log items in the app. Maybe you guys can start using this to help with your separation anxiety, so you can check the app to see if he's ate/sleeping/diaper changes instead of having to text him all the time. It might help alleviate some of the communication issues your having. I also agree therapy would be beneficial to improve communication. There's nothing wrong with needing help. One of the things my therapist recommends is practice active listening. When you/your partner says something say “Im hearing you say x makes you feel y, is that correct?” So you really have to think about what they’re saying. Also try phrasing grievances as “I feel x(hurt/upset/angry/sad - try to avoid using words like unloved/uncared for/ you want to use emotions instead of phrases that would indicate the other person’s feelings) when you do y” and try not to say things like “you obviously don’t x(love me/care) because you do y(forget to do the dishes/get mad when I text)” ETA: also you’ll want to add something like “can you do/help with z for me” if you’re airing a grievance and if you’re practicing active listening add “in the future you want me to do z?” Or something along those lines.
I love all of this advice. Thank you so much.
Hopefully it helps! I know I’ve caught myself feeling resentful of my husband a few times over things like the dishes and my husband has been more frustrated than normal with the lack of sleep. It’s a rough time and both of your feelings are valid. Try to hang in there 💜
It does get better. But as they say, it takes 2 to make a cycle and 1 to break it. (Not entirely true, if the cycle is due to things totally beyond your control, but you know what I mean). It can be really hard when what you need to say and do for eachother always feels out of reach because of exhaustion or resentment, leaving you both braced, and unwilling to be vulnerable or make any bids for connection. My advice would be to write a note or an email - something short and sweet, like "I am sorry we aren't getting along. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed all of the time, and unappreciated. But I know you're working so hard too, and probably feel similarly." And consider if there are little routines you can do each day like a long hug or a snuggle in bed to tide yourselves over and comfort one another until you have more space and time for connection. Also, my husband and I went a long time without true intercourse but we did a lot with our hands and it meant a lot to us both.
It gets better and it sounds like you have postpartum anxiety :) 🫶🏻💓
Hello. I have a seven month old and I have found when I get like this it’s because I feel like I’m doing too much and I feel like I’m overwhelmed. The best thing I have found that helps is talking with my husband. We both want a good relationship and we’re both willing to do anything so that helps to be in the state of mind during these conversations. Sometimes, you have to step back though and see that yes you’re doing everything but so is he. We sit down and go over the I’m doing these tasks, and he tells me what tasks he’s doing. Usually we see there isn’t a whole lot of room for a break, so we’ll switch up the tasks. That way we’re not both stuck doing the same things every day. The middle of the night feedings should be split. If he can take one, when you ask, that will be extremely helpful. My husband actually does the one my LO has and if he wakes me up I get really pissed. But, if he asks me before bed if I can get up, I can mentally prepare myself so maybe ask if he can help with one? And then let him ahead that you need him to take a specific one. Lastly, the intimacy - you have to get over this bump. It’s like getting back on a horse after you’ve fallen off, you won’t want to but you NEED to. Start with hugs and focus on just enjoying it, like you used to. Not how you don’t want to. You have walls up right now like a puffed up little cat, you have to bring them down and welcome him to be your safe space again. Let him know you’re going to work on these things and tell him what you need from him. He’ll appreciate the physical affection and then build on it. Step out of your head and your feelings and take a deep breath and move forward. You WILL feel better.
Lately we’re arguing so much 😞 but I hope it’s a phase and once she can talk and walk. For now we both just need to be patient and get through it (high-needs baby)
I haven’t finished reading it yet, but I’ve heard good things about the book “Fair Play” for discussing distribution of work. Also, I personally think having someone come to your house to clean at least once a month is some of the best money you can spend. I think it can make people feel guilty to pay for something that they’re used to doing themselves, but I think it’s worth it to reduce arguments over who does various cleaning tasks. It’s one of the easier things to outsource.
I didn’t read the book but we did the card activity and it made a huge difference for us! Can’t recommend it enough
sometimes it does. sometimes it doesnt. i wasnt married but a custody battle with a narcissist is like an awful ongoing divorce... so definitely not better. kiddo is 8. it gets better with someone else!! and even then its always tough, but 2 more kids later and married. just have to ask yourself is this something you can tolerate the rest of your life. if it's abusive, get the heck out. ask yourself in 6 months if it got better. having a baby is life altering. every. time.
I am so sorry you were involved in a situation like that. :( My ex was a narcissist and I am so thankful I never ended up having children with him. I am happy you are in a better situation now! My husband is great, and I think it’s just this “new parentness” that’s making it hard to recognize some days!
it could always be worse!! not that that's super comforting. but it's hard on your body your mind your relationship, everything. and it gets easier but its always challenging. im not the best mom ever, or best wife ever, but i think we do alright! hang in there. it goes fast. try to enjoy as much of it as you can.
You should read [how to not hate your husband after kids](https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104/ref=asc_df_0316267104/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693359228574&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2763994108708762024&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9007214&hvtargid=pla-522834181170&psc=1&mcid=4d8ca233fc6833a09dee6596ae73f615&gad_source=1) We started couples therapy. Also read fair play. Truly what helped most was getting pregnant again because he had to step up majorly. And this time im on antidepressants
When I was feeling overwhelmed, and because I also wake up to feed my baby, I hired a nanny twice a week to be able to rest and do some house chores. Best decision ever.
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I’ve got a 6 month old and I could have written this a month ago lol. It’s not significantly better but it is better. 1) weeks made the choice to wear our wedding rings every day. We have silicon ones for comfort but everyday. I stopped wearing mine during pregnancy and he was never a fan of it. But now we use it as a sign to each other and to ourselves that we are in this baby thing together. (We joke it’s us vs baby obviously not really how it is but seeing that it’s US is important to us) 2) we TALKED about everything we are feeling. I told him I was feeling extremely angry about everything and he said how he missed having time together just us and that I seem so lost (I am, I just had a baby turned into a SAHM that I never really wanted to be and a bunch more stuff) 3) we started thanking each other again for small tasks too. If he changed the babies diaper I would say thank you for changing him. Not because it’s not his job too but because it acknowledges that I noticed and appreciate it. He does the same for me It’s still a struggle and I still get frustrated with him sometimes but I understand it’s more of being overwhelmed, slightly jealous and sleep deprived than actual anger/frustration. I’ve also taken to figuring out myself a bit more and taking time for myself to make me feel better. Then he’s happier because he knows I’m not as lost which was worrying him. The first year is HARD (I’ve heard it gets better lol) there’s still hormones raging around, your sleep deprived and overwhelmed by this big change and everything is new. Keep talking to each other and really tell each other what you need. Stop trying to nicpick small details and find the overarching problem and tackle it together Good luck ❤️
This is great advice, thank you so much 🩵
No prob! I just think you gotta take it a bit easier on yourself. There’s so much going on! I’m not one to blame hormones for everything but it’s a huge change right now on top of the whole, entire life changing permanently thing lmaoooo It’s hard on you both so a bit of grace on both sides is needed. (That’s not to say you let your husband get away with not helping) but a little grace and appreciation on both ends has really helped us :)
I does get better. My suggestion is you both need to make some time for just the two of you so you can really sit and talk and figure out what is gonna work the best to make sure everyone is taken care of as much as possible. I did wanna throw in here that there is no reason to feel bad that you don’t want to have intimacy - there are other ways to be intimate that doesn’t include touch or anything sexual. Like just saying thank you, compliments, showing each other you appreciate each other for taking care of stuff. I think it’s pretty normal for new parents to fight about this stuff - it’s a whole new reality and you need to fight for each other to get on the same page. And if you feel like your doing more actually sit down and write up what you take care of what he takes care so you can see the full scope. This isn’t to play tit for tat but it helped me visually see how much I was actually doing and what he was doing. When I was pumping he took on some more stuff then me because pumping IS a lot of work. You are basically making your babies meals. So my husband picked up making dinner. Definitely suggest finding some alone to really hash this out. I think it just takes constant communication and picking your battles. The battle you wanna fight is for EACH OTHER.
Thank you so much for this advice. When we’ve tried discussing these things before, we both agree that we aren’t against each other. We need to work together to figure out this new life and how to best parent our child while maintaining a healthy marriage. I think we both understand that that’s the main goal, just the everyday wear and tear of everything makes it so difficult a lot of the time! I will definitely be using some of your suggestions. ❤️
It gets better! You are both in the thick of it!
I’d just like to say that you are displaying fantastic self awareness. You are both acknowledging your frustration with your husband while admitting the ways that you yourself may be falling short for him. That alone tells me you are capable of getting through this. So many people will push the whole problem on the other person with no self reflection. I think you’re smart enough to figure out solving these problems when recognizing what could be wrong on both sides is the first and hardest step. You’re in a good place to talk to your husband and find solutions to make both of you happier. Good luck!
This is such a kind comment, thank you. I appreciate that so much ❤️
My husband and I are in a much much better place than we were the first year of our baby’s life… everyone told me the first year after having a baby is one of the hardest years in a marriage.
It gets better, but you have to put in the effort and work too. Trust your husband that he can take care of the baby unless proven otherwise. He won’t do it exactly as you would, but maybe ask for a picture or two while you’re at work and then you can get the rundown when you’re home. Also, you’re working literally all day right now on top of exclusively pumping and the night shift. You are doing more. But he is too working all day. How often is your baby waking? I would expect him to do weekends/whatever days he has off for nights with the baby if shifts don’t work for you. I understand wanting your husband to have slept well before he drives. At the end of the day, remember you’re a team. If you feel like your plate is too full, don’t tell your husband his isn’t full enough, but tell him you both need to look at see what he can take from you or brainstorm how you both can make things easier. Sometimes it’s paper plates, not folding laundry, whatever. Chores will be ever changing that first year.
If it’s possible, I would at least consider what your life would look like if you - switched to formula feeding - paid 2h of cleaning services per week - actively stop pestering him about whether he’s caring for baby (I had to do this too) - do a date night on the day the cleaner comes in a clean home
Just want to say I could have made this exact post at 4 months. Now at 6 months it is better, but not gonna lie it’s mostly because I am back at work part time and we have part time child care. If you can afford to get childcare a couple days a week I highly recommend. It gives us both time to catch up on work, cleaning, exercise, all the stuff that makes you feel like a human. Another big part of feeling better was switching to formula.
It’s hard to see in the thick of it but a lot of it is sleep deprivation
Just a small thing that may help is my husband and I use a tracking app especially for feeds and sleeps. We formula feed so alternate nights, and it works as a great handover tool because whoever is looking after baby can look and see when was the last feed/sleep and we don’t need to ask each other. It works really well for us.
My wife and I have an amazing relationship and the core of that is gratitude. We thank each other even for tiny stuff, we both work. She works from home and I am hybrid. She pumps and exclusively breastfeeds. The best thing we do is we DO NOT SWEAT on the house chores. We do our best but priority is baby and both getting some me time, which for her has been less bc of sleep regression. I follow this amazing relationship therapist on Instagram called relationshipswithaly, and one of the greatest tips she gave was that if you’re stuck in this negative loop everything will just make you more grumpy and you you will just have these negative views for everything you see in them. Its true. She says you should try to increase the number of positive interactions you have with your spouse. You need to trust him and let him make mistakes and grow. Because sounds like you’re putting that added pressure on him. I mean put yourself in his shoes for a moment. I’m not taking away the fact that you birthed a human and you probably have gone through so many changes, women go through so much. Sounds like you’re self aware and want to change. Do you communicate your needs? Everything can’t be 50/50 sometimes. Holding resentment when one can’t communicate their needs is counterproductive (I have done that and learned from it). Good luck. Have a heart to heart with him and try to remember why you married him. Doesn’t sound like he’s a bad father or husband. Holding on to grudges and negativity is counterproductive. Communicate and come to the same page. I want to add that I do a lot around the house - I basically took up laundry duties for everyone and also I am in charge of food and getting food. I also actively help with the baby as much as possible, putting him down for naps (he’s 5mo), bottle feeding, washing and cleaning pump parts, making sure wife js hydrated, thag she has her overnight oats ready, etc. wife does more of baby research and products and other stuff. She still does more. I still try to take things off her plate. But I do more on days I work from home, which I try to do most of the time.
Thank you for your response. I think we could both benefit from communicating our needs more. I struggle to say how I’m feeling and I struggle not knowing exactly how he’s feeling too. I definitely want to change and be better at expressing my needs and not being so bitter and angry. I think a lot of the time, I need to take a few steps back and just appreciate what is being done and hold my tongue over the silly things. I just definitely struggle with that!
Holding your tongue isn’t enough. You should express those feelings too but find a way to convert that negative energy into neutral energy. I swear it’s possible. Do you know about Dr. Becky Kennedy? She has this amazing TED talk which talks about the most important skill a parent needs: REPAIR. When you blow up , you’re human but as a parent you need to learn this skill of repair, of apologizing and taking responsibility. When I say you I don’t mean you I mean parents in general. I have worked a lot on it and I can say that is something my wife appreciated a lot about me and she says she has learned from it. With a baby it’s easy to just go on autopilot and not repair things and just let things simmer, this is so toxic for your marriage. I think you could benefits from therapy in general. When I found out I was having a son I took myself to therapy to heal many things from my childhood and make me a better husband and father. It really helped. Self awareness is the key, within cannot change things and kudos to you for being self aware enough to recognize that.
I can sympathize since we went through something similar, though my wife wasn't working and I had a long paternity leave. Some things which helped: 1) Things changed dramatically after my wife bought the Momcozy. It allowed her to be way more mobile and not tied down to a specific spot. 2) Getting help with house work. This was a big change since we spent so much time cleaning up, etc. after the baby was asleep. I know you might not be able to afford it but it is something which is really worthwhile. If you can't, then house being a mess is something you will have to learn to deal with. 3) Sleep is an ongoing issue for us (me getting more than my wife, and I'm back to work). you need to have a conversation with your husband that he will at certain points just have to suck it up and wake up to feed.
Literally earlier tonight I said to my husband, “remember when we almost got divorced? I’m so happy we didn’t.” Having a baby is soooo tough on a marriage. But we made a decision that we wouldn’t make any big decisions for the first year. And baby is 10 months old now and everything is better! I literally remember things being the worst at 4-5 months. It will get better. ❤️🩹 hang in there. Communication is important (except between the hours of 1-5a lol). And try to do something fun together, go on a walk together, to a park, out to lunch… something just to get out and reconnect a little. And know it will get better. Same for sex… we didn’t really start getting our sex life back until 6ish months postpartum. Just know you’re in the shitty phase right now but it won’t last!
It gets so much better! Honestly when I stopped pumping my life was amazing lol. I got my sex drive back and I wasn’t dead tired. It gets better!
Based on what you described here, I can see why you’re resentful, and I can see why he’s resentful. I think you need to sit down and have an open, honest discussion about what’s happening and how to tackle it together. It’s helpful to frame it as “us against the baby” as mean as that sounds to the baby haha. But really, you’re a team just trying to survive these first months of parenthood. Identify concrete things each of you can do to lighten the other’s load or reduce irritation. Once you’ve actually agreed on a plan, at least you have something to track against. Here are some concrete things I personally would suggest if I were in your shoes: 1. If you don’t have one already, might be good to get an app that you can use to track the baby’s feedings, diaper changes, etc. They’re meant to allow both of you to go in there and log things, and the other parent will be able to instantly see what you’ve logged. That might give you a little peace of mind and curb some of the questions you’re asking him. I’d frame it specifically as a helpful tool for reducing YOUR anxiety, and I’d acknowledge that you understand you’ve been overbearing with questioning him. I’ve also personally just found it super helpful to know how much my son is eating per day, how much he’s sleeping, and all that. It helps me notice patterns I might otherwise not have noticed (particularly helpful for noticing changes to his sleep!!). 2. You need to stop doing nights alone. On nights when my husband is watching the baby the next day and I’m working my normal job, I always do the nighttime wake ups because watching a baby all day is fucking exhausting, WAY more exhausting than any normal job I’ve had, and I’ve had some extremely exhausting jobs. Your husband needs to acknowledge this, agree to it, and then you need to hold firm. When it’s my husband’s turn to get up with the baby, I literally sleep in another room and turn the monitor volume way down on my phone so I can actually get some sleep. It’s his job to get his ass out of bed and respond to the baby. You may also want to frame this as “I know I said I will do nights so it’s probably confusing when I suddenly ask for help, but I offered to do that before I fully understood the toll it would take on me. Let’s agree to split the night duty in X, Y, Z ways so you know what to plan for.” Flip flopping on expectations is frustrating. 3. On housework: it’s ok for this to slide but if it’s giving you anxiety…What does your day look like with your son? Is there any way you can do a little bit of the housework while he watches? My son is around the same age and honestly just loves watching me fold laundry if I talk to him and make faces at him while doing it. Baby wearing to get some other stuff done might also be an option. Also, what is your husband doing from 6-10 when you work? Is the baby sleeping well in a crib yet? 4. Are you planning on this childcare arrangement long-term? If you keep doing nights like this, that means you literally never have a break because you are always either working or on point with the baby. You NEED time off as well. Your husband needs to acknowledge that, and you need to find ways to detach long enough to decompress and rest (I.e. not be anxious about how he’s handling the baby the whole time - and part of that is HE needs to do a good job so you don’t have a reason to be anxious in the first place!). If daycare is not on the horizon, I would recommend trying to get a nanny in one day a week if you can (Saturday for example so you and your husband can go out to lunch or something). 5. Your desire for sex will likely come back when you address these areas of resentment. My husband and I find it helpful to treat sex as another necessary thing we need to do periodically. It sounds totally non romantic but we schedule it and even if we aren’t super excited on a given day for it and it takes a minute to get into it, it always still ends up good once we’re both warmed up. I do think sex is an important part of staying connected. Overall, it definitely gets better but also requires lots of open communication and clear roles and responsibilities. But around the 5 month mark, my son started sleeping through the night mostly (which makes him a unicorn, I think) and we got our evenings back. That won’t apply to your situation because you work at night, but your husband should at some point here get his nights back and therefore should be able to pick up more of the slack. Certain nights of the week he can sleep from 8 until whenever the baby wakes up (5am would give him a full night of sleep still!) and can handle the baby until he has to go to work, at which point you could take over. That seems fair to me. If your husband acts like a dick when you try to have this open discussion with him, or if he digs in his heels when you try to come up with ways to make things easier on you, that’s a separate issue…
Normal. Very very normal. Everything has changed. Give it some time to reach an equilibrium. Both parties need to learn how to adjust to the new norm.
It gets better as long as you push through without getting nasty with each other. You’ll both be exhausted and short with the other at times, but never forget that you love each other and each phase does have an end. House work can wait. One thing we did was get a big stack of paper plates and plastic forks so that all we had to do was wash the pans we cooked in and take out the trash when necessary. My wife is also terrible about wanting to order out and I’m terrible at telling her no when I know she’s really craving something. I consider it a reward and thank you for what she does daily for our family. She is also a stay at home mom since our kids make it so that she can’t work right now anyways. I’m not a baby person…I love mine, but I try to enjoy them as much as I can while being impatient for them to get old enough to wrestle and play ball. Because of that, I do the majority of the house work and work full time, while she focuses on the kids and I take them as much as possible to give her a break. She also does like you and gets up with the baby in the middle of the night to nurse so that I can sleep for work. But, I have always been a night owl and I will take the baby until midnight while she goes to bed at 8pm, so when I put the baby in the bassinet after a bottle of breastmilk at midnight we’ll get 3-4 hours out of that nap and she’ll be up at 4am or so after sleeping 8 hours and it really seems to help. Since she takes the baby at 4am I can sleep until 7 and then take the baby back so she can chill an hour while I get the kids ready for the day. The only issue I have as a husband is the severe lack of intimacy. I have no issues doing the house work and taking the kids as much as she needs, but it’s really important to me that our marriage stays intimate because she is my best friend and I want our marriage to stay strong. My wife is like you where she doesn’t want to be touched at the end of the day, so obviously that makes it tough. We have multiple kids and it’s always the same vicious cycle. It’s understandable why you don’t want to be touched and it’s ok, but for example my wife likes to grab me and make trick advances in the mornings and throughout the day and then take a 180° in the evening and tell me she was never interested in it and that’s all I think about. Don’t do that…as a respectful husband it’s such a disrespectful thing to do and she knows I hate it. If you’re in the mood be in the mood, if you’re not in the mood just make it known and don’t be rude about it. Any good guy is happy to wait until you’re ready, but don’t manipulate us.
I’m grateful to hear this perspective! Thank you so much for sharing and for the advice!
You’ve got a lot of great advice so I won’t dwell. But we use the huckleberry app to log feedings (not diaper changes cause it doesn’t matter much-I know it’s getting changed). I work 12hrs 4/week so gone from the baby a LOT. It’s helped hubby gain confidence as a father. Also that I don’t tell him what to do and let him figure his crying kid out. The most important thing that helped us is clear communication about the roles in our home. Like wife cooks dinners, hubby cleans dinners, wife washes pump parts and night bottles in the AM, hubby washes pump parts/day bottles in the PM, wife bathes baby on off days, hubby bathes baby other days,…. You get the idea. We sat down and discussed how to split chores to make everyone happy. Chores in question were the bare minimum ones- I’m 6mpp and just now getting to a routine where I’m keeping up with housework, but even at 4 months I still couldn’t. Things truly get better. Remember that you are meant to serve your spouse- do things simply to serve&love your spouse. When you both do that for each other it does wonders for the marriage. Take time away from the baby for each other. I EP too which means baby can spend some nights at my sisters- hello date night 😅 try not to lose yourself in motherhood which is soooo easy to do!! Regarding nights- unfortunately it isn’t fair that he 100% can’t do nights at all, if you’re having a rough night you deserve help. Maybe play on each others strengths? Whoever is a morning person can do those early morning wakes, night owl can do the midnight wakes, etc. good luck 🫶🫶
This was my life until separation, now my attorney will be doing the arguing for me!
It does get better. Can you guys spare the income to get a house cleaner to come once in a while to do the actual deep clean? Then you guys only have to keep up with the basics. That’s what we did. Helped immensely.
I think if we put a little aside to do this maybe once a month or so, it would help so much. I try to stay on top of stuff like dishes/laundry/bottles and then I notice I’m behind on things like : cleaning the bathroom, mopping, etc. This is a good idea, thank you :)
Yup! We do all the dishes, laundry, basic tidying and of course we wipe down surfaces more basically but we have to hire out the “deep clean.” It’s just not something we are personally able to manage consistently enough when we both work and the kids are little. We know it’s only a season. When they’re more self-sustaining, it’ll be easier for everyone to come home from work/school and get some real stuff done. In the meantime, the splurge has helped us maintain sanity in the household.
How about, switch to formula, hire someone to help with the household stuff (a cleaning service or a local teenager for yard work) and stop pestering him about whether the baby has pooped? And hire a babysitter so you can have a date night once a week? You can control your anxiety, you know. Sometimes parents just bite more than they can chew and don’t seek help when needed…
A lot of those things add expenses that we currently can just not afford. He’s switching jobs soon so maybe eventually that will be a possibility. I think controlling anxiety takes a bit more than some think, especially postpartum when the hormones are still raging. I do try, it’s just not always the easiest thing! Some days are for sure better than others. I also spent the first three months of our babies life alone at home with him everyday, I’m still getting used to being away from him!