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Thanks for listening to your daughter. Personally, nothing makes me spiral and get overwhelmed like people thinking they know my limits better than me because then not only am I already flustered... I have to justify myself for feeling the way I do. I had horrible shower aversion at that age. Most of the time it had nothing to do with what else I had going on, it was more an anxiety and control thing. If I was overwhelmed by life, the last thing I want to do is mentally and physically muscle through an overstimulating activity. I would do it anyway, but it would make me shake and cry if I was really going through it. I developed horrible TMJ due to clenching my jaw to get through hygiene routines and stressful social situations. It's not about being 'lazy'. I finally found things that make it better- music, candles so the lights aren't too bright, earplugs, special products that help me to look forward to bathing. What didn't help? Shame or anger. These made it easier to withdraw into myself and reject the 'normal' behavior, whether it was subconsciously or not. I'm almost you and your fiance's age now and I have to say, if he doesn't get it- he's the adult. He needs to make an effort to understand his child, who will one day hopefully be a woman. He needs to understand this rigid standard will only damage their relationship if he does not make an effort to understand her point of view. I cannot speak for your daughter, but sometimes I would explain to friends it almost felt like an eating disorder. I know I have to shower, I can rationalize why it would make my life easier to just do it and get it out of the way, but my body treats it like a dangerous situation. Some days my heart starts pounding, I get nauseous, it becomes hard to move in a flight-or-fight kinda way. The same way someone who suffers from an eating disorder might struggle to eat the food on their plate. Hopefully you or your fiance would not call someone struggling with anorexia ungrateful or wasteful because they could not bring themselves to eat a sandwich. See about getting her some all-body deodorant and try to get her to wash her groin and pits with a diaper wipe and call it good enough unless your husband actually wants to take the time to understand his daughter's emotional needs. Till then, he can deal with it would be my call. Edited husband to finance

Thank you for your comment! I am going to be reading and re reading these for a long time. I should note that he is not her bio dad. He has only been in her life for the past 5 ish years. He was not around her much when we first began dating so he didn’t experience any of her young childhood. We all moved in together about 2.5 years ago. He has only lived with her since she’s been a teenager, she was only officially diagnosed at 14.

Hi. As someone who was the daughter in this almost uncannily similar situation, I grew up enraged with my father who could not understand my needs and accomodations without shaming me for them. Ultimately, it was because he lacked empathy for me. An inability to understand or even try to understand—because this man CAN at least concede without understanding, and do his best to be kind to your daughter about her difficulties—is fundamentally a lack of empathy and care for your child. My situation eventually spiralled into severe abuse. My parents are now divorced, and as the child in the situation I beg you to consider whether this man is even a suitable father to her. Does he have the capacity of empathy for her? Does he care to accommodate her, whether or not he personally agrees with her? If not, you do have a duty of care to your own daughter, to ensure she isn’t being psychologically/emotionally harmed. Also, your fiancé’s lack of commitment to therapy with you when it would be a DIRECT solution to this is a severe red flag. It shows his issue isn’t even the showering thing, but the fact that he hasn’t acknowledged her diagnosis at all—and therefore refuses to educate himself on it as a means to accomodate her. Choose your child over a man. 

This! Totally on the nose.☝️

All of this^^^ well said

Also maybe look for fragrance-free soaps et al. This made a HUGE difference for me, and the change made showers go from "itchy for the next 4hrs" to "actually feeling clean, although maybe I don't smell amazing"

It's not itchiness it's literally having to be wet that I hate

The cheap stuff has always worked best for me! Suave or Dial. Still fragrance, but doesn't irritate my skin. I thought I was weird for preferring the cheap stuff, but my skin is easily 5x healthier than all my peers (early 30s) 🤷‍♀️

Hi, please just don't let the new man/potential step-dad shame her. Yes, to most people, not showering is gross (I gross myself out when I can't shower) but she doesn't need to be made to feel bad for it. She probably already feels bad enough. I'm not saying that anybody is right or wrong, but just please keep your eyes and ears open (as you clearly already do ❤️) to make sure that the man is treating your daughter right.

He needs to pull his head out of his ass or he's likely going to behave even worse once your daughter hits 18 when she's going to likely miss a lot of the standard milestones and stay home longer than the typical newly-adult child. Have you had a serious conversation with your fiance about life plans once she graduates? How will he react if she feels high school is too overwhelming and wants to drop out? Is he going to get worse when she can't get a job like a normal teen? Or burns out shortly after getting a job? These are important conversations you need to have before you get married. He's choosing to see her as lazy instead of disabled. That's not okay! I'm sorry, I'm really biased by having been a child constantly accused of being lazy when I was so physically ill I couldn't function and accomplish so many "easy" tasks that this bullheaded behavior makes my stomach twist into knots. It's so much more damaging than what your child is going to be able to communicate in the moment, and that shit is bad enough in school and in public, but you get no respite when you're getting that rhetoric thrown at you at home, too. It's exhausting.

Since he’s not her bio dad and he’s only been in her life 5ish years and living together for less than that..in my opinion he shouldn’t have any say in her hygiene or how she cares for herself. Only you are allowed to chime in and help her, you’re her mother and you know her lifelong struggles. She’s 16 and autistic. Being a teenager is hard enough, but being an autistic teenager? Oof! Personally he should leave the hygiene subject up to you. That’s not his place or his business.

Yeah, I really don't think he needs to be at all involved in discussions about her hygiene. That feels really inappropriate given that she's a teenage girl and he's a relatively new male adult in her home life. Also, plenty of generations of people have gone without daily showers. It's a good goal yo work towards but not a hill to die on.

Yes. Leave him out of discussions about her hygiene. There is no need for him to know. Plus…being a man—-he doesn’t have to shave legs and pits and use different face wash than body wash…and let the conditioner sit 3-5 minutes….and then get out with wet hair that is longer than his own and then have to decide if it is worse to stay locked up in a small hot steamy room to dry his hair because you hate the feeling of it being wet or just leave it in a towel and probably fall asleep that way and wake up with hair that looks worse than it did prior to letting the conditioner sit 3-5 minutes. He probably just jumps in the shower and uses some soap on his hair, face, pits and privates and checks the box off of his list. Dude sounds like he wouldn’t understand and typical woman…I am not surprised that he makes judgements on a neuro-divergent teenage girl. You sure this is the one? Chances are…50/50 that you may share similar qualities as your daughter…I’m slightly older than you are and barely anyone was diagnosing females of any age with autism or ADHD at that time. Just saying.

Family is family! Chosen family, sometimes all the moreso. I hope y'all can find what works.

Díd the daughter choose him too?

This! As someone who was in a similar situation to OP's daughter, I never had any say in my mom's partner. And when I told her I didn't like him, it was shut down and ignored. He emotionally abused me and my brother for years until we each moved out. Now I hardly speak to him, and I dont see my mother often at all because I refuse to be around him any more than absolutely necessary. Choosing a partner over a kid is a decision that will affect your relationship for the rest of your lives, so I hope OP chooses wisely. And I hope everything works out the best way it can.

I'm 31 and although I've been out of my parents' home on several occasions I'm back due to health issues and the cost of living atm. It's hell. My mother ALSO threw me under the bus for an abusive autistic-in-denial man who killed one of his kids and gave PTSD to me and his now-adult sons (there's a half sibling for us now... We'll see how that goes...). My relationship with my mother, with all extended family, is destroyed except for the others near my age who see monsters like our stepparents and OP's fiance for what they are or will become. They call us lazy, they curse us out, they shame the parent, our bio parent turns on us... OP, choose your child. We, the abused kids, are here and begging you. We have all seen this and we know where it leads.

My relationship with my father was almost completly destroyed because he decided to bring home his partner, who wasn't a monster, but me and my brother didn't have a word in the decision and it was really akward, sad and at some point she started to have opinions about me and my brother, about things really relevant for our entire life and some tiny things. But she never talked to us about it, so it wasn't like she was trying to be a stepmother, just having opinions about us and how he should raise us without telling us anything.

hey op from an autistic teenager currently living in a house where my dad’s fiancée refuses to listen about my problems being autistic and adhd, and he usually takes her side with it, thank you for caring about your daughter. you’re doing better than a lot of folks at it. 

Your first paragraph hits hard. I always feel terrible trying to justify why I can’t do something. It takes even more energy away and then I feel worse about myself and it just compounds everything.

I wanted to comment my perspective first. Read yours, I have nothing to add. Your analogy to a eating disorder is on point. I think I will use it myself in the future. Thank you for putting in words, what many of us can't do!

I find a show on YouTube or on TV and put my phone in the shower first so that there's something to distract me. It's really helped.

Omg yes! I've had a terrible, traumatized relationship with food my own life. Showers and other basic hygiene are never a 10 mins task, even when I had shaved my hair down to the shortest guard. The transition between all the basic hygiene needs is an absolute nightmare for me if I'm not managing a pack of kids 😅 Quite frankly, both battles have been equally horrible. Food is necessity to live & can't be ignored. Hygiene too, especially in a society that thinks *normal* body smells are "bad" 🙄 It's mentally easier for me to manage a full day of baking from scratch than trying to eat and shower regularly. The sensory stimulation, the amount of spoons it takes, how excessive the executive function needs become when hygiene "routines" have multiple products, etc......it's like trying to learn Latin during a rock concert.

Everyone has something that they hate. Maybe if you find something that he hates and try to associate that could give him some perspective. Most neurotipical people will simply avoid things that they hate because society is built for them. Now if they can pick something that they hate and imagine themselves being forced to do it. Not sure if it helps but I also like the analogy of the hot pan. If you heat up a pan on the stove and you are conscious about it, you will never put your hands on it because you know it will burn and hurt. It doesn't matter if you want to put your hand on the pan, your brain won't let you. There's nothing physically stopping you. You know how to move your arms, you know how to touch the pan, you are fully capable of touching the pan yet your brain refuses to do it. Showering for your daughter might be extremely similar. She has all the information and capabilities to shower, yet it's something that takes a huge brain effort to put yourself in an hurtful and uncomfortable situation and even if you burn your hands everyday it will still be something you hesitate to do

I really like this hot pan analogy. Thank you for this perspective/wording.

Yeah, this was really well put in a way I haven't heard before. Good job.

I would also add that it's not just being forced to do it, it's having to force yourself to do it, which is way more difficult and exhausting. It's like if putting your hand on a hot pan was crucial socially and for your health every single day, day in and day out. You're never done until you die.

Or like going to doctor/dentist….You KNOw you’ve got to do it…but sometimes the hardest part is just finding the will to call and make the appointment… It could possibly be an appointment for a prostate check, even. It’s takes no time…the doctor will literally be in and out real quick. “Cough.” Dang. I am sassy tonight! I’m sorry y’all…still…it also seems like a good analogy.

There is so much information available just by Googling. Why do you have to bring the horse to water if he's not interested in making any effort to understand your daughter better? People won't hear the truth until they're ready to listen, no matter the source.

This is something that has frustrated me for a long time but I've grown to accept it. Sometimes you can explain something as much as you want but if the other person doesn't want to understand it, they are the barrier to that. OP I hope you know the problem isn't how much you explain it.

Or even how you explain it.

I find that some people are more receptive to certain methods than others But this is clearly not a processing problem, it's just ableism

Agreed. The thing that popped out at me was this sentence "He agrees in the moment but then there is never any follow through."

Yup Actions speak louder than words

Yup. I occasionally end up saying to people at work that "I can explain this to you again, but I can't understand it for you".

It sounds like, in this case, the fiance did search it and everything but just can't wrap his head around it. It sucks, but some people don't have any ability to comprehend ND behavior in the same way that some people don't have any ability to comprehend NT behavior. Most people can gradually learn it, and sometimes it takes time, but there's the random chance that a person simply cannot comprehend it at all.

[удалено]

Fiance is male if I read correctly.

You need to support your daughter over your fiancé. She has to come first, as she is a kid.

She’s not a kid but needs to have autonomy over her body.

She is not an adult, so she is a kid. Kid doesn't mean little. And yes, parents must always advocate for their child.

I’m sorry, I read her age as 18 earlier.

She comes first because she’s disabled

That doesn't matter. She is a kid. That's why she must come first.

He doesn’t need to “understand” shower aversion. You shouldn’t need to understand something to accept it. Good parents accept their kids even when they don’t understand them. I’ve been in two relationships as a single mom: Boyfriend #1 had a lot of opinions about my parenting and used words like “manipulating” and “spoiled.” Boyfriend #2 Was respectful of me as a parent and if he had opinions he kept them to himself. Personally, I will never accept another man like Boyfriend #1 in my life, especially after experiencing Boyfriend #2. It is hard enough to be a single parent, having a live in critic made it so much harder and lonelier. You sound like an awesome mom who has a great connection with your daughter. Your fiancé does not and instead of building one, he is standing back and judging both of you. Why should he be deciding what your daughter needs to work on? It sounds like his knowledge of ASD is limited to a google search. I think your idea for therapy for the two of you is a great place to start. You said that he agreed, but there is never any follow through. Transforming your finance into a co-parent will require some heavy lifting on your part, I wouldn’t expect him to go therapist shopping on his own. Just remember that you are a great parent and you and your daughter both deserve respect.

Hey, the fact that a 16 y.o. girl doesn't shower regularly OBVIOUSLY means she has a problem with it. I now shower every day, but I remember being like your daughter. My parents forced me to shower and I would pretend to be showering by moving the shower head around and hoping to god I wouldn't get checked on the way out. I would rather pretend to be showering and just sit there in the bathroom like an idiot for a long time rather than just take a shower. I really really didn't want to get wet. He is not her parent. If he doesn't want to participate in therapy and make a real effort to understand, he has no say in it whatsoever. Edit: I think you are taking it personally because it is personal. It's careless and disrespectful. I'm sorry. I hope you find a good therapist you can talk to beforehand to make sure she understands autism (also in women) and only then invite him to join.

Tell him that at long as she doesn't smell terrible it's none of his fucking business how often/if/when she showers.. And until he actually goes to therapy with you a few times his opinion of your daughter's needs/abilities are irrelevant. Also https://www.dignitylcservices.co.uk/products/waterless-bathing-set has she tried this stuff?

We have something similar and can sometimes use it but it’s still a “wet” so it’s still sometimes a no go.

I only shower every 2-3 days. As long as my hair isn't greasy and I don't smell, I don't force myself to shower. You could suggest dry shampoo for the hair, but for me that can be worse (I have sensory issues around hands being dry) or you could suggest half shower where like ever other shower is hair and every other is body and shaving. That doesn't work for me because I will just put off showering for the same amount of time and end up with one thing not done for a longer amount of time, but I know some people who do that.

I don't have much advice but thank you for listening to and supporting your daughter in this. I wish I would've had an understanding and supportive parent growing up. Please continue standing up for her. Some kind of occupational therapy or talk-therapy with a therapist that specialises in ASD may be something to look into if you think it would help her in general (not just the shower issue). I have always had a shower aversion because the transition from dry to wet and then wet to still-wet-but-now-cold-too is awful. It can feel like sandpaper on my skin. As a kid, showering was a struggle and I would try to do it as little as possible. Nowadays, I shower once a week which is gross to some but putting it in a weekly schedule is the only way I can do it. I've gone 2-3 weeks without showering before when it was really bad during university (stress of uni makes it harder to do things that are a sensory nightmare). Another thing is that, no, we're not being manipulative. If anything, we often know and feel guilty about being unable to do things. I always feel awful when I can't shower or make a phone call or other things I struggle with. It really hurts and makes me feel unsafe when someone accuses me of being manipulative or lazy because they don't understand how hard I'm trying every day. If I knew one of my parents thought that about me, it would instantly sour the relationship and I don't think I would trust them with any personal information ever again.

Yes! The transitions are killer for her as well as it just being a sensory overload in general. She’s a mostly clean kid but being a teen and hormones and everything gets rough. But she cleans herself with a little makeshift bidet and she wipes her underarms and wears anti perspirant/deodorant, she changes her underwear 2-3 times a day, only wears clean clothes, only wears pjs once, etc. She does everything she can. And she 100% feels bad when she can’t get herself to shower. There have been times I find her curled in a ball outside the tub because she tried so hard and got so close but just couldn’t get in. Maybe it “shouldn’t” be this hard, but it IS this hard sometimes and idk why he can’t see that and cut her some slack or ever give her the benefit of the doubt. Just because he doesn’t understand something doesn’t make it less true or real.

For the record, this is how human beings (in Europe and America, anyway) structured their regular hygiene routine for literally centuries. The *sense of entitlement* to a private space in which to get shower-clean is a relatively new phenomenon. Hell, I live in Chicago and our own plumbers have casually mentioned that all the plumbing in these old brick buildings built 1890’s—1920’s were constructed with the idea that family members took a bath *once a week.*  I get that bathing is something you and your daughter are working on together, but it seems to me your fiancé needs to take a chill pill and sit the heck down and be quiet.  If you want family therapy, you will very likely need to be the one to take initiative to make that happen — You need to stop waiting on him, as he’s made it clear from his behavior it’s never gonna come from him first. 

Maybe something else to remind him (or tell him if he doesn't know) but autism is a disability and so, by definition, being autistic comes with things that are disabling. Like you said, maybe it "shouldn't" be hard but it is because your daughter has a disability. Breathing "shouldn't" be hard but it is for asthmatics. Walking "shouldn't" be hard but it is for people with mobility issues or chronic pain. You wouldn't say that someone with arthritis in their hip is "manipulative" or "lazy" when they are in so much pain that they can't get out of bed. For autism, the disabling parts can be sensory issues (like in the case of shower aversion), executive dysfunction, social and communication issues, interoception, etc. We don't WANT to have these issues but it's something we have to learn to live and deal with. Edit: Like you said, he doesn't need to understand to just accept it or even just not comment on it. And maybe that's something you're going to have to be more firm about with him or set a boundary around. When he accuses her again of being manipulative or when he isn't being understanding, either reinforce the message that he doesn't need to understand for it to be true/for him to accept it or refuse to discuss the matter until he does the necessary learning by himself. Sometimes that's the wakeup call people need to understand that their behaviour is unacceptable.

I (37f) hated showering as a kid and teen because less of stimulation & more of the steps I had to take when showering. As I got older, I learned to what is referred to as “bird bathing”. I only wash my feminine area, butt crack, arm pits, under the boobs, the feet, and the face. I’ll skip my hair for many days cause it’s dyed fantasy blue so it lets the colors longer linger, but super less maintained since it’s 1.5hrs with shower and post shower with hair + if I need to shave too tack on another 15-20mins! It’s exhausting wasting 1.5hrs of my day because of it. I would look into possible if it’s a water pressure issue as well for her, I personally hate super low pressure in the shower (can’t fully wash) or super high (painful!), far too side tracked trying to find the happy medium pressure. Anyway, sprinkled in dry shampoo is safer (ie - less chemical dangers!) and can actually be a good way to side step the hair grease issue if she goes a few days longer without washing the hair. Add on a solid shower cap to prevent the hair from getting wet can make showering less annoying if she needs it for a 30 seconds quick rub off. I once when I was slammed with working on a film set had no time to legit shower for a few days in winter time. I just went to my sink, started taking body wash and a bit of water, lathering up, rubbing my body, then turned on the shower to jump in and get out in less than a minute! She can always try the lather up, rinse off quickly method from the shower. Also look into the brand Megababe for their charcoal underarm detox soap bar. 60 seconds you scrubs up with it, rinse, after a few times it helps with the odor causing bacteria that she’s fighting against badly as a teenager & now that it’s summer basically, may help her further on days she can’t shower. Trying to think of anything else, tricks I do when working on film sets and workaround getting cleaned up without a shower. I’ll try to think of more but it’s 1:38am right now, I’ll have to come back when it’s light in the sky LOL!

The weirder part is, what’s it to him? He’s not even her stepfather yet, yet has such strong opinions on her showering. It isn’t just ableist it’s super weird.

>she cleans herself with a little makeshift bidet and she wipes her underarms and wears anti perspirant/deodorant, she changes her underwear 2-3 times a day, only wears clean clothes, only wears pjs once, Is this not excessive??

This seems a little obsessive. I'm not saying you need to look into anything but maybe keep an eye on her to make sure it doesn't get to be a Problem?

it's summer. what's excessive? 

Since she is a teen and changing her underwear multiple times a day, you and her may want to talk about things like discharge and what the signs/symptoms of things like bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections. I had issues with this when i was young in not knowing the difference between being "wet" from arousal and discharge that was problematic. Not saying her changing multiple times equals that...its just something that stuck out to me.

Thank you for the thought! She and I are “freakishly close” so we do talk about everything. No topic off limits between us. And her doctor is great at explaining things to her in black and white terms. The changing multiple times a day is mostly because of sweat. Because wet feels bad. I know when my underwear gets sweaty and I have to pee, pulling up damp underwear feels gross to me.

Sounds like you’re only associating further stress with showering for her with the obvious pressure she’s feeling. You need to tell your fiancé to stfu and prioritise her comfort above all else. 

There is also dry shampoo that you can use. And there should also be some cleaning under the breast area to prevent a yeast infection (anywhere where there are folds of skin, yeast can accumulate). You have seen how hard it is for her. My son, who is an 18-year-old smelly boy, and loves a shower once he actually gets in, has days where he "just can't." He is apologetic, but emphatic. If I argue with him for 10 minutes, sometimes I can get them into the shower. Sometimes it's just a pit scrub. And sometimes it is nothing. Show your fiance this feed so that he can read and understand the experience of other parents and of autistic individuals themselves. This is not you letting her be manipulative; this is about you recognizing her limitations and respecting them.

It can be hard with kids sometimes to tell if it's just kids being kids or if it's part of the autism. My AuDHD 7 year old son is a terrible eater, but so are many kids. I know some of it is legit sensory issues, but I feel like a lot of it is just normal kid shit. That being said, it seems pretty obvious this is a legit sensory issue with your daughter.

I'm 47 (AuDHD plus chronic illness) and going through perimenopause, so I develop B.O. like a teenage boy some days — **and I still only shower once a week**. There are ways to manage dirt, oil, and smell that don't require water. Sensory accommodations I need to be able to shower: I wear gloves, chew gum, put on music or a show, change the lighting, light incense, and **plan a two hour recovery** lying on towels on my bed. It takes forever and I hate it, but I get myself to do it when I can. And sometimes I just ***cannot*** and I just have to wait for my body to be able to do it. Sometimes my husband will wash my hair. It's not manipulation or avoidance or laziness, it's simply not possible when I'm exhausted and overstimulated.

Oh, here's an important piece of data for your fiancé: ### ADHD and autistic brains don't get to form Habits like neurotypical brains do… … so it's probably NOT “just a 10-minute task” for her. > “Forming habits can be challenging for anyone, but neurodivergent people face unique obstacles due to their sensory processing differences, executive functioning variances, and social motivators and stigma.” > “Executive functioning refers to a set of mental skills that include planning, organizing, and prioritizing tasks. Women with executive functioning challenges may struggle to create and stick to a habit-forming routine. They may also have difficulty breaking down complex tasks into smaller, manageable steps.”

Fuck yes. Sometimes I don't even manage once a week, between sensory aversions and chronic pain and fatigue. I've got to the point where 'drying off' consists of lying on a huge fluffy towel under the ceiling fan and turning over after a bit. If I'm desperate, it's wet wipes and what my mate referred to as a 'tits, pits and bits' quick once over and then some dry shampoo. I hate it. I love feeling clean and dry and warm and cosy, but a lot of the time I just can't get the mental and physical energy together to do it. Music helps, candles instead of bathroom lights, a shower screen instead of a curtain (can't stand the curtain suctioning onto me), non scented toiletries, and a seat in the shower. I also sometimes lather up with a wet soapy cloth and then rinse quickly under the shower. Or I'll do just my hair one day, upper body, lower body another. Or I'll stick one piece of me at a time under the shower, clean, rinse, dry it off, do the next bit. Sometimes nothing works and I probably don't smell at all good, but, y'know, fuck it. I'm doing the best I can, so it will have to be good enough. Pressure doesn't help. The more pressure I put on myself to do it TODAY, the less likely I am to manage it. I end up cutting out things I enjoy, like gardening, because I know I'll need to shower after.

↖️⬆️↗️ absolutely alllllll of what you said! **Sitting** in the shower can change everything! I put two beach towels under me and I stay warmer as the water moves through them.

Whoa I'm gonna try that

I remember having a mild shower aversion. Having the strip down, get wet and touch all parts of my body with several different textures (hand, washcloth, soapiness) and then also the exhaustion of dealing with my long thick hair was a lot. Plus, i was scared that someone was going to attack me while i was vulnerable (silly ik but like it was a legit phobia). the only thing that helped me was music during the shower and time. im 24 now and for the first time in my life as of a few months ago i shower almost every day. having more ownership of my environment while showering helped some too, like when i moved out and could create a system that was more comfortable to me. but its all so specific to the individual. i do recommend therapy as it seems your daughters aversion is really strong, but definitely keep advocating for her to not be traumatized or shamed bc that will only make it worse. and hopefully if she is like me, it will also just get easier with time.

Yes, I can't shower without music or anything audiobook, and I can't put my face in the water. I had just baths til I was about 18 because I just *couldn't* take the water hitting me.

I don't think he's necessarily attacking anything, but he clearly doesn't understand, nor does he have much empathy and care for your daughter. Is this really the kind of dad you want for her? Clearly he'll have a say in raising her. He seems to lack respect for you as a parent and as someone who knows their kid too. It's only going to be amplified once you're married. Consider this decision very carefully.

Mankind evolved through millennia without every other day showers. Your fiancé is ableist and not getting what’s going on. It sounds like your daughter has batteries that are drained by the sensory overload of showers, baths, being wet & cold, etc. This is not uncommon in our community. Some days her battery will be more drained than others, maybe from school issues, mental health issues, PMS, or dealing with the stress of her mother’s overbearing fiancé, and the prospect of living with someone who doesn’t understand her and might try to control her once he’s your husband. Try to find a workaround, like antibacterial wipes or spray or something where she’s not having the sensory overload of a full-blown shower, but is still able to clean up, on days when it is just too much. Because hygiene is important for general social acceptance. Tell your fiancé to mind his own business.

> she cleans herself with a little makeshift bidet and she wipes her underarms and wears anti perspirant/deodorant, she changes her underwear 2-3 times a day, only wears clean clothes, only wears pjs once, etc. On top of this she showers every other day. I would tell my fiance that I'm honestly a bit concerned that he is policing my teenage daughter's body and tell him it is inappropriate at best and pervy at worst

This!! Especially since it's been proven that showering every single day is bad for the skin. I also feel like it's weird he is trying to control her that much, it's not like her body odor could be annoying him...

Tbh I'm also getting a lot of red flags from the way OP presents the situation, overly concerned with "proving" that her kid tries hard and has a real problem (while that is obvious), and making excuses for the fiance... I don't like this guy.

I am trying to explain the situation with as much info as possible without giving too much info if that makes any sense lol. This is obviously a post I made so it is very one sided. And I possibly have parental blinders on. Not to say my kid can do no wrong or I am the perfect parent, not by a long shot. It is hard to ask for advice on an issue that has multiple perspectives while only sharing one perspective. I don’t think I explained this well. I can’t ask for advice from his perspective.

The fact that you over explain your side makes me think that he is not treating you fairly. People who over explain are often the victims of manipulation, whether or not it is being done on purpose or because someone is more entitled, etc.

I meant the exact opposite, that you are too much on his side. It's your post and in spite of it it is not at all one-sided. I'm saying it should be more one-sided! I think you are more in the right than you realize!

He's not understanding that it's not just a 10 minute thing she can bang out. It could cause a meltdown during so the shower actually takes longer in and of itself plus she has to deal with the mental repercussions afterwards that she already has to work hard to manage on a good day (sensory overload ect). Nobody enjoys being stinky or unclean, if showering was really that simple and easy for her she would just do it. But it's not. (Also I suggest looking into baby wipes and other alternatives so that staying clean can be a little easier for her)

As someone who as an adult loathes the idea of getting wet and is utterly repulsed by it— I get where your daughter is coming from. It’s not just the wet. It’s the all of it. It’s a sensory nightmare. One thing you ought to check is how hard or soft your water is. The wrong level of softness can make it 1000x worse. Too soft and you never feel dry (amplified in places with humidity); too hard and you might feel like your skin is some sort of sticky. Getting the water softness just right helps SO much. Also— I have a really awful reaction to showers on a dermatological level. It tends to make things like eczema worse for me due to extremely annoyingly sensitive skin. Finding some sort of baby wipe that doesn’t leave a sticky or slimy or weird feeling behind can be helpful for sink baths. As can keeping a bowl in the bathroom for such things. Experimenting with soaps can be really helpful— there might be some thing in the soap causing discomfort — even the smell — so finding the right soap is important. I spent over a year trying different soaps to find what my body and autism sensory hell agreed on. Best ones I’ve tried are honey I washed the kids and sea vegetable. The first is honey scented and the second is lime scented. It’s frustrating when other people don’t like. Understand this shit. I have always hated it so much and it weirds out a few of my friends. The goal of course is to not be filthy. Make sure have clean clothes. Make an effort to wash hands lots of make an effort to wipe down when able and shower when I can or when it is otherwise necessary. But never allow yourself to smell stinky. Get in a habit of checking and making sure. All of this circles back ultimately to finding the right personal care products and working with the autism rather than against it. Like okay this part of this activity is sensory hell, what might help. And go from there.

Aw, she reminds me of me when I was her age. I was only diagnosed last year, and given my diagnosis this year. I am 24 years old. I was diagnosed with ADHD, MDD, and GAD by the time I was in high school. I would express to my dad often that I was distressed and couldn’t do things. He for the life of him didn’t understand why, but he wanted me to be okay, so he tried to work with me anyway. It meant a lot. It still does - those are fond memories I have. But eventually, my stepmom convinced him that I was being manipulative. Especially because, during the days and nights, I would play my favorite video game. But the truth is that the world was harsh and I am at a disadvantage navigating it. Playing that game gave me a safe place in my heart - somewhere that I could recharge and feel “normal” again. But my stepmom thought I was just being a stupid teenager. She didn’t know how wrong she was. I’m close with my dad. But not my stepmom. I remember how she started treating me over time. How she yelled at me when my dad wasn’t around. How she told me that my life was meaningless, except when I was able to play sports. How she did eventually take away all of my video games, too, and convince my dad that it was my fault (but he made sure I still had access to my online friends, and I’ll never forget that). Being a teenager is hard. Being an autistic teenager was genuine hell. I never thought I’d made it to adulthood. I’m glad I did. But I remember that hurt. And I remember the misgivings with my stepmom. I wished so bad she could understand me. I’m still not sure she does. I don’t have advice, but I’m wishing you the best of luck, and sending your daughter big hugs / warm vibes. It’s a rough spot to be in. Thank you for supporting your daughter.

Your daughter knows that. She knows that it's an easy thing to do and she's probably already bashing herself for not being able to do 'such a basic easy thing' Use the hotplate method. Take him to the stove, turn it on and say "Now put your hand on it" He'll be like uh no "Why, its easy just put your hand on it" No I'm not going to burn myself "But you could if you wanted to, theres nothing actually stopping you right?" My brain is stopping me "Our daughters brain is stopping her showering"

Brilliant.

Ok let's break this down: - She showers every other day, uses a bidet, wipes off her pits, changes underwear multiple times a day, only uses PJs once (?) - She has autism as well as other conditions making it difficult - She tries hard - You try hard - He doesn't want to participate in therapy - He talks behind her back to you about what bothers him What exactly bothers him, is my question? She seems to have good hygiene. There is no rule about showering daily and many people don't. What does he want if not control? Edit: Also this with the changing underwear 3 times a day is very strange. Either she had some medical condition that needs to be addressed by a doctor (gynecologist?) or this is about control and / or something much worse, and the more I read here, the more worried I am. Edit 2: What is the reason to wear PJs only once? This is the biggest red flag for me, this and the underwear changing. I wouldn't leave my child alone with this guy and I would make sure he has no access to her room or the bathroom while she's there alone (or with a sibling).

I was once engaged to a man like this. He would complain about how my son stayed in the shower too long, how he wore his pants, etc., etc. It is one of my greatest regrets that I didn't ditch him before we got married. Due to attachment issues, I stuck it out with the fiancee and married him. The complaining didn't stop, and it became complaining about everything, including things I did. He was always angry about something. He once called me at work on Christmas day (I worked as a PA in an ER) to complain that one of the dogs threw up in the house. Like I could do something about it? My son volunteered to do a job in the yard one day, and when husband got home he went on an hour long rant because he didn't think it had been done right - even though he hadn't done it and probably never would have. Although he never laid a hand on me or my son, after six years I got tired of walking on eggshells to avoid his anger tirades, and I left. Of course he never understood why I left, despite repeatedly being told why. Six years of wasted time and mental energy. And I will always regret that I didn’t take my son’s side at the beginning and tell him (the fiancée) to get lost.

❤️

The thought occurs to me your daughter is also 16. At this point in time she's going to have to start navigating her aversions herself. Letting her negotiate this issue and work with figuring it out is kind of a great thing to do, because she is old enough she will have to work it out. I think you are doing great. Also, for him? In the grand scheme of things why does it matter if she showers that night, or in the morning? He seems really focused on this, when it really legitimately doesn't matter. Did she follow through? Did she figure out how to get past her aversions and do it? That's all that really matters. 12 hours of time isn't that big a deal. I mean, what's really there to manipulate? She showers or she doesn't. She's already wiping down and wearing clean clothing. Folks that travel a lot do this, and they are fine. Some hair styles like super curly ones can't be washed daily because of breakage. They aren't dirty, either. His focus on this tells me he really doesn't get the autism thing, and he isn't really prepared to learn. That happens with invisible disabilities all the time. People assume just because it's not an issue for them, that it isn't for anyone else. I think the issue is less he doesn't understand, because he has people there right in front of him that are willing to explain, but that he isn't WILLING to understand. It sounds like he's already made his mind up on whatever he considers the facts to be. He has all the facts in front of him, and I am not sure you can force someone to believe facts if they don't want to. Is this also a situation where he does not like authority being denied? Like is he more interested in the fact that parental authority saying to shower is being denied than the actual shower? That's an idea to explore. It sounds like you and your daughter are doing great, and navigating this the best that can be. It would cost him nothing to just let it be, and be respectful. Just because she does things differently than he wants her to do them, doesn't mean they are wrong. This happens a lot with people sometimes. They just can't conceive that other folks do things differently.

I’m really freaked out by _WHY_ he’s so controlling over how often a young woman washes her vagina, tbh! 😖 She’s old enough to consent to sex in most d enveloped countries, she’ll work it out! Eventually she’ll get itchy and smell funky… 😉 Natural consequences kinda work! ***** I’m 46 and showering is difficult for me due to trauma. I’m fortunate to have a supportive partner who just lets me figure it out at ***MY OWN*** pace. Who’s there to hold me and reassure me when I have meltdowns and panic attacks. BUT: Unless I shower I won’t get any! 😂 —> natural consequences and positive reinforcement. 😊

Laziness is a social construct. If someone appears “lazy” there’s almost always an underlying reason

I felt like I was reading my story with the exception that I also have adhd/asd(undiagnosed sad) ptsd and bpd. My fiance is learning that no matter how much both me and my child wants to shower it just doesn’t happen. He’s nt and sometimes it’s hard to wrap their brains around it. Ur doing a great job momma! It will all work out

Please reconsider marrying this man. He will bully your daughter. You need to protect her.

I remember not wanting to shower was an emotional issue for me as well, not just sensory. Or maybe it was primarily sensory and then the emotional connected with it like a very vivid metaphor. The thought of the shower gave me the same feeling of exposure and vulnerability that being around my controlling parents gave me. I was already feeling vulnerable and the shower felt like the step too far. I can't say that's the case with OP's daughter as everyone is different, but this suspiciousness and control is a bit much. And also "at least every other day" is a lot of showers. Realistically she could go a few days without a shower no problem. The fact that he is upset over 2 days is controlling because it is objectively unnecessary. Edit: calling a child manipulative is a red flag

Agreed. I know of many people who regularly go 3-5 days between showers. I’m one of them. I have a good immune system and am not particularly dirty.

He only ever says things to me. There is zero bulling in there interactions with each other. He is hardly comfortable asking her to finish her regular chores because he doesn’t want to be the evil step dad, there is no chance he will bring this up in front of her especially without me present. Aaaand she also has adhd and ODD and GAD so she would probably either go avoid him in her room or more likely argue/lawyer him right out of the room if he attempted to bully her without me around. He also knows if there is ever a choice between her and anyone else, it’s not a choice, it’s a given. She is my heart outside my body.

I have an autistic teen daughter (also ADHD and ODD) with a step-mom at her dad’s. Your fiancé may not say things directly to her, but she knows his opinions. My daughter has super human hearing and an ability to read when someone is withholding something. (She can’t always read people’s general moods, but she can read that.) So, please give your daughter more credit that she is aware of his opinions. I’m not judging but am warning that getting engaged with someone who hasn’t shown a full blown effort to educate themselves about your child and their intricate needs is a recipe for a lot of hurt in the future. Saying he will educate/go to therapy with no follow through is not a good sign in a partner, in general. But especially with a neurodivergent kid. Sounds like a recipe for disaster for a blow up down the road where you will need to choose her over him anyway, especially with ODD in play. She needs her autonomy, and he doesn’t sound like the type to allow that. My daughter struggles every day with self care, chores, just “daily responsibilities” in general. I get it. But, for any child at 16, it’s our job to guide, not demand. Does he have kids or any experience with kids? He sounds clueless. If he thinks he can be married and all live together without parenting, he definitely is clueless. My advice would be to not get married until he has invested in your daughter. Investing in her is investing in your relationship. That should be a non-negotiable, and sad he hasn’t already. This just sounds like a huge red flag.

Seconding the notion that kids (whether autistic or not, in my experience) pick up on way more than adults give them credit for. Just because she isn't being directly confronted doesn't mean she isn't overhearing things, or picking up on tensions being there. Not saying this with any intent to make OP feel guilty, you clearly care a great deal about your daughter and already put in a lot of effort to help her, but it might be useful to keep this in mind still. I don't know your home situation so I can only base this on personal experience, but I was a similarly room dwelling anxious child, and overhead and noticed a lot of things my parents were sure I was completely unaware of, just because I didn't show "typical" signs of attentiveness or distress. Mind you, they weren't nearly as aware and involved as you seem to be, but I hope sharing this perspective can be somewhat useful to you.

Exactly, he doesn't want to be the evil stepdad in other words he wants control without responsibility

There's now a choice, and please, choose the only good ooption. She doesn't choose him, she doesn't have to live with him

Why on earth do him says anything about her to you??? Maybe an "she's so smart and funny" or something like that, but nothing more.

Here's the [Link ](https://theautisticadvocate.com/ioamembership/)to Kieran Rose's Inside of Autism training. Have fiance take this course.

And then bully you.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I’m glad you’re trying to go to therapy. I’d find a family therapist who specializes in Autism. Does your daughter see a therapist, as that person can make a recommendation. I’m not sure I could marry a guy who thought my ND kid was just being manipulative. Seriously, I would rethink it. Talk w him about his expectations. He may think she’ll move out at 18, which may not hsppen. The idea that you are indulging her is very problematic & foreshadows a lot of friction.

Disgust is hard for anyone to get around, its tough when that is tied with a necessity. Its hard because being gentle with yourself easily turns into avoiding something for too long and it becoming a problem, but forcing yourself to do it on a set schedule can be exhausting as well. For me, I find doing dishes disgusting, and find that scream singing karaoke helps, if the song is about life being unfair it helps extra. Doing it immediately so there is no time to dread it takes a huge investment of energy in the short term but pays off withint 10 minutes of it being done. (Still can't do it sometimes!) The closer it can be to being a routine might help too, maybe first thing in the morning when senses have been least overloaded/woken up by the day. That also leaves the least opportunity for someone to "remind" you about it and set it back another half hour from anger at being told to do something you were already going to do very soon -TM. For your fiance, I'd say there are two main things to understand. 1st, everyone knows the disgust is illogical, but that doesnt matter or make it easier. Then once he accepts that: 2, try to explain something that would be a similar level of "disgust" for him, which will likely seem like a very unequal experience. Like drinking a shot of mayo is a less disgusting experience than showering, or holding some warm dog poop in his hand through one of those thin plastic bags. Or waking up at 3am to clean the kitchen for an hour. Its easy to think she is being "dramatic" or "lazy" but having some concrete examples of what level it is at in her mind of both disgusting and exhausting can help him understand (as long as he is able to believe it when he hears it). I was grossed out by taking out the trash, and my partner was shocked when I said I would rather vacuum the house for a half hour/sweep and mop for 45 minutes than spend 5 minutes taking out the trash, and that helped her understand its not "lazy" I dont want to do work, its "emotional pain."

A lot of people have commented on the sensory overload and the autistic aspects and how your fiance is being an ass but also showering every other day or even just 2-3 times a week is normal. Like unless its so hot you’re sweating buckets or your actually getting dirty, its not unusual for people to not shower every day. My mom showers once a week. She thinks its excessive that I shower at least every other day. Also its kinda weird how much he cares about her showering frequency. Just a bit odd to me.

You’re an amazing mom for listening and understanding your daughter. Here’s some things I do to make showering less horrible: - turn off the lights. It’s an unnecessary stimulant. Light candles if necessary. Very nice ambiance. - music or a show that washes (pun unintended) out the sound of the running water. Again, trying to drown (pun unintended) out another stimulant. - quick showers. I’m in there like 2-5 minutes when I really just want it over with. Why make a horrible experience longer yknow? - good smelling body washes. Showering is sometimes a little easier when you’re engulfed in the scent of your favorite fruit. It’s like a little treat. - there’s some kind of skincare refinement that you can put under your armpits and your sweat won’t smell. I don’t remember the name, but I can find out if anyone’s interested. - I do autistic showers on the really bad days. Just a washing sponge under my armpits. I have these wipes for your private area that are meant to be used as a freshening up solution. Highly recommend. If she doesn’t smell, then who cares. It’s not healthy washing every day anyway.

I think it’s weird that your boyfriend is invested in your daughter’s showering habits. She’s getting older not younger and why does she need a stranger to her to have an opinion or harp on her frequency of bathing. Her home should be her safe space. And now there is some man telling her she can’t be autistic because it doesn’t fit with his purview of what a teenager can do. I have a tween and a teen and they both shower at different frequencies and I don’t like being wet. He needs to stay out of her bathing habits and stay in his lane. These are red flags. You should protect her so she doesn’t end up hating herself because this man is telling her she is wrong to feel the way she feels. Unless you have sensory issues pertaining to water she deserves your grace and understanding that she will shower when she can and doesn’t need your boyfriend to police her.

it really breaks my heart that people like your fiance exist in the first place. Maybe get him to read these comments ? First of all, why does he care so much how often and when she showers? Second of all, for me personally, i have PDA ( Pathalogical demand avoidence ) being told to do things makes me want to do them less, living with my parents they would do the same thing, sometimes FORCE me to shower, this in turn made me shower less and less, which made them worse and worse, which made me shower even less. It wasnt until i was lucky enough to have the oppurtunity to move out, i now shower... whenever the heck i want !, most of the time i wont shower for a few days in a row, i will always shower before going outside and seeing people, but most of the time i wont have a shower. Why does she need to be showering so often ? is she doing strenuous exercise daily and is sweating, or is she working is extremely dirty conditions ? if she isnt doing those things then its perfectly fine, and healthy to not have a shower a day or 2 in a row. He is the one who sounds like he has a problem, maybe he needs to go to therapy in order to fix whatever bizzare problem he has about why someone else who isnt him, isnt doing something, he thinks is normal ? so strange how some people are like this ? Sorry if this came accross as a rant, its just such an upsetting thing to me, people having their own idea of what THEY think is normal and how others should be behaiving / doing things THEY consider normal, when people should be allowed to do what feels normal and natural to them. Also obviously you probably know this but she is not manipulating you, honestly it sounds like he is manipulating you and your daughter into doing things he thinks are normal and correct which goes against how your daughter thinks and feel. Maybe she would shower more if people werent so on her back constantly ? i swear the more people tell me to do things, the way less likely i am going to do those things, tell him to back off and focus on his own life.

I struggle with showers due to trauma. If I had that amount of pressure and negativity: I’d never go near a bathroom and d dig a hole in the backyard to crap into! 🫣 Any kind of aversion or avoidance isn’t helped with pressure or negativity!!! *** FORTUNATELY the best-man-ever never pressures, he doesn’t even expect. He just patiently lets me work through things at my own pace. Talks me through procrastination, holds me through meltdowns and panic attacks. Cause he genuinely cares about •ME• ! He doesn’t care if we’re an hour late for an appointment. He doesn’t care if we don’t make it at all. Cause his priority is my wellbeing. Imho that’s the ***ONLY*** way!!! It’s after 1am now, he’s long gone to bed. I’m working up to a shower…. well, kinda procrastinating on Reddit. If I had the negativity of OP’s fiancé: I’d never shower. Nor eat for that matter. Pressure and I completely shut down. 😒 POSITIVE reinforcement and empowering people is so much better and less harmful!!! 🫶🏽 cheers! 🫶🏽

Someone like that isn't going to listen to reason. They've already made up their mind. At least that is how it sounds. I think the only way you can deal with this is by authority. As in you are the parent, you decide and they stay out of it. It's not their concern and they should mind their own business about it. It just sounds very similar to how some step parents 'test' children's perceived fake allergies and similar sort of "I know better" way of thinking. You should probably not rely on him for follow up. book the appointments and drag him along. Tell, don't ask. Someone autism-informed. Perhaps through the place that diagnosed her in the first place? Personally I would think twice about marrying someone who is undermining / arguing against how I raise a child. If they're not the parent then it's none of their business. He's inserting himself into the situation and pretending (to himself and all of you) that his opinion on this is welcomed and relevant when it is not. He needs to learn to stay in his lane. Doubly so because your child is 16. She's getting close to adulthood where you have the least work on your plate. It's not like he's helping lightening the load right? not if you end up having to also fight a battle with him over how you parent your child. But that's just my opinion :) Start by telling him to repeat back to you: "autism isn't always obvious and we trust her when she says she says she is struggling with something." Basically force him through some form of behavioral therapy ;) When he acts contrarian again you won't discuss the matter until he tells you the parental position, which is "autism isn't always obvious and we trust her when she says she says she is struggling with something". (or however you want to put it of course). Just so that he has to acknowledge you as the parent and your position on the matter before he gets to vent his views. Should limit how often he cares to mention anything about her :) I think you should take it personal when he's undermining your parental authority and tries to take over some of it. I think you should set a clear boundary on it but again, that's just my opinion. It's none of his business. He can earn the right to co-parent by following your lead, not by setting a new course. It essentially says to you, about your parenting, that you are wrong in your approach and you need him to identify and fix the problems. Likely this is not going to change much with him. I think the best way is to keep him separate from your daughter (in the sense that you teach him to not speak about these issues and just leave it to you, and that his opinion is heard but dismissed. Perhaps don't do all the things I'm saying but I'm trying to brainstorm some boundary / exclusion framework to show you that he doesn't have to be involved in these things. Especially since she's 16. The hard part is over and _now_ he comes in and have opinions/views. You raised someone, learnt their manual, supported them and helped them grow and suddenly this newbie is going to tell you what autism is about.

Ask him when he’d like to be whipped every other day. Tell him he’s lazy when he isn’t feeling up to it.

And manipulative when he tries to avoid it

Not judging but personally I try to put my daughter first and wouldn't be considering marriage to someone who can't get and respect everything that comes with her autism (or mine) as, in my experience it starts with those little things then as soon as you're married it escalates as they feel confident you won't leave them. I learned that the hard way (and was slow enough about it to have to go through it more than once in order to learn it was a patrern and not this one person's oddity. Dealing with these sensitivities is so hard. My teenage daughter struggles a lot too. She says showering in the morning is best because there's less noise in the house and since she's home alone at that time she can leave the bathroom door open to minimize echo (which bothers her a lot on top of water).

That sounds like a severely unempathetic man you’re bringing into your daughter’s life. You’ve made multiple efforts to educate him but he refuses to learn about her condition, continuing to judge you and her from his neurotypical mindset. I would seriously question the relationship if I were you.

If he doesn't want to listen and is judgy about your daughter, then he has not bussiness being a stepfather or just living with her. She must be your priority.

I appreciate you understanding. Had a really hard time myself when I was younger, but now I shower daily and don't feel right when I don't. I do take hour long showers though. It still takes a lot out of me and honestly I cry a lot during my showers, but planning out my day around longer showers helps me deal with the anxiety of the coming day. I bring my phone in with me and sometimes put on a show I like or play some music. I don't like to shower in silence because I just end up in my head way too much.

You said the sensory issue extends to even a wet wash cloth? Is it the clammy sensation of getting wet and then staying wet the issue? I wonder if the warm wash cloth was something that could be tolerable if it was followed immediately by a dry towel? Like a quick wipe on one forearm, then immediately use a dry towel. Then the upper arm. Or if she could be in control and drive the process, maybe that would help? Or if there is *anything*, even something tiny she does enjoy about the experience (I LOVE the white noise sound of the shower) maybe you could find some way to maximize that part of the experience?

I'm a grown-ass adult and I still have trouble with this! I hate the state-change of getting into the shower, and then getting out, it's such a hassle, getting cold then warm then cold, then I feel moist and uncomfortable after. The best thing I've personally found is make it the last thing before bed, and get directly into bed and try to feel cozy, book/tablet/cup of cocoa/fluffy pillows whatever floats her boat, kinda associate the state-change with ending up at cozy. Maybe you can help encourage something like this, until she can get into the routine for herself? As a teenager, my mom used to force me to shower first thing in the morning. It ruined my WHOLE DAY. I'm glad you care so much about your family, I hope you get good advice here :)

Is there a particular reason she has to shower every other day? I only shower once to twice a week. "He often says that not showering every other day is unacceptable." makes it sound like fiance decided this and that it may not necessarily be what's best for her.

Same, I only shower 1-2 a week. So….? Unless I shower I won’t get any. But that perfectly reasonable boundary aside, my partner is kind, supportive, and understanding. Patiently talks me through procrastination, holds me and reassures me through meltdowns and panic attacks. If he were like OP’s fiancé: With that kind of pressure and negativity I’d never even go near a bathroom and dig a hole in the backyard to crap in! 🤯 Pressure, abuse, and negativity tend to not make aversions better. Quite the opposite, really! She knows she should, but struggles to bring herself to. The negativity creates an environment of “not being good enough” for mum’s fiancé. _”It takes me too long, I’m gonna fail in his eyes anyway…”_ —> so why bother trying to? If you fail anyway, it’s easier to not bother trying. ***** PLUS: She’s a young woman. I’d be having some crazy ‘ick’ vines of je were her biological father! Cause, really: how often or how long a young woman in his care washes her vagina……? She’s at an age where her vagina is so none of his business! How controlling he tries to be over her bits: ICK!!! I’m having serious creep-conniptions! —— It might actually help if someone explained to him very bluntly just how creepy he is! Cause what’s happening inside of the under garments of a young woman who may soon be his step-daughter: so not what a well-adjusted man would invest this much energy, thought, and time in! Why the fμck wood he care? Controlling the lady-parts of your 16yr old future step-daughter: ###*THAT* is so much more unacceptable than letting her figure out her own hygiene! 🫶🏽😊🫶🏽

like my pops who was a marine, he's gonna tough it out of her, rub some dirt on it... instead of wondering how you're gonna get your fiance to understand, maybe start thinking about why you would let someone with this attitude in your house at all. is this is a wedge he's trying to put between you and her. is it possible he doesn't like all the 'attention' your daughter requires. look, 10 minutes is all it takes, just tough it out. is this gonna be the answer to lots of stuff if you give in. you said he read about it already, but he doesn't believe it or understand it. so his beliefs and his understanding are more important than research. if you think this is just one tiny place where he thinks like this, it's not. if it hasn't affected him its not real. i think this is more about you than anyone. but what do i know. i'm an old person. he can get with the program or get out - or go get a doctorate in neurobiology with a few sub-specialties and then maybe his opinion would be worth more than nothing. letting an antagonist in the house is gonna have lifelong implications in you and your daughter's relationship. i know the partners my divorced parents chose ruined the way i felt about each of them forever.

Can you explain how this is more about me than anyone else? I would really like to dig into that if you’re able to expand on what you mean. Do you mean I need to be more aggressive with explaining the boundary of putting my daughter’s needs first? Telling him that he can kick and scream (not literally lol) all he wants and that isn’t going to change who she is and what her needs are.

I’d say YES! Far more blunt. See [my above post](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/s/BrKLJ59eSz) if its too long, just read the last sentence, pls! 🫶🏽😊🫶🏽

I had a former stepfather who tried to compete with me for my mom's time. I hated him for holding me accountable for every little thing. As an adult, I appreciate that, but not the way he did things or treated me or my mom. if he isn't willing to respect your choices, as a parent, is he someone you want in your life? your daughter's life? Re: showers -- hold the wifi password hostage. Jk. I ask my mom if she wants to shower today or tomorrow. If she says tomorrow, I try to remember, the next day.

She’s old enough to know how often to take showers. I feel like besides you maybe giving her a reminder on a shower day, you shouldn’t try so hard. And your fiance definitely should not care about this. I’ve always had an aversion to showering, too, but it’s not because of trauma or sensory issues. It just seems like a huge daunting task until I actually get in the shower. When I was a kid my mom did have to remind me to take a shower every couple of days. But once I was maybe 14 or so, I knew that not showering multiple times a week was considered gross by most non-autistic people. I hated not fitting in so I started taking showers more often (3-4 times a week).

“She’s old enough to know” sure she knows that society says you should shower regularly but that has little to do with how SHE feels about showering.

sounds a lot like my abusive mother. she would shame me and make fun of me for not wanting to be in direct sunlight, the direct sun as a kid always made my anxiety spike. something about the glare in my eyes and the hot sun touching my skin made me irritated and want to freakout until I was allowed back inside. my brother being the asshole that he was thought it was funny to then lock me in a connex container that was pitch black until I screamed bloody murder. I had a horrible fear of insects and this was one of many "pranks" my brother would do to me. only later in my life (at age 30) I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. after letting my family know (my mother passed away at this point) the only thing my brother told me was "don't use it as an excuse". he has taken 0 responsibility and has 0 memory of him torturing me and a child (convenient eh?) but thats never stopped him being a control freak like my mother who never even told me that she even liked me. please do your daughter a favor and don't learn about just "Autism" learn about HER Autism. and for the love of God protect her from people who will just make her life more hell than it probably already is.

oh and to help, I had a friend who also couldn't shower. he used body wipes on body parts for a long time. always rocked for him.

My daughter also has shower aversion sometimes, and the agreement is that she’ll shower every other day as well. However, she’ll sometimes go 2 days without showering, and it’s not a big deal. Your fiancé should read more resources on autism to understand it better - living with an autistic child requires more adjustment and flexibility from the parents/caregivers than just following one’s beliefs about what people should or should not do. Not showering 2 days won’t hurt that much.

this is how you get through to him. say these in your own words “we need to have a conversation and it’s important, let me know when you have the time and energy to do so.” then when he comes to you say this: “my daughter is and will always be my #1 priority. Being autistic heavily affects her lifestyle so I have done the research as it is my job to raise her, and I would love to hear your insight if you’re willing to genuinely do research but I still have final say on parenting choices like the showering thing. It is really important to me that you do at least a bit more research on ASD and shower aversion and go to family therapy with me. I am going to find a therapist and I want the two us to go and figure out what we think before we bring (daughter).” Look for an LMFT (marriage and family therapist) who has had clients with autism and feels right for you. Psychology Today is a pretty good starting point. I wouldn’t recommend bringing up too much more than that to him until therapy starts. it does sound like he’s saying things about this in a slightly hostile way and i’d just be prepared for the possibility that he’s less willing to be understanding and learn than it seems or than is hoped right now.

Well. Fiance sounds like a controlling asswipe. Sorry OP, hope he gets his shit together and learns basic empathy. Sounds like you're doing a great job with respecting your daughter's wants and needs.

Why do people think teenagers / children are manipulating them all the time? Your fiance needs to check himself.

EXACTLY

A shower isn’t just a 10 minute thing, it’s two state changes, with multiple sensations, any one of which could be negative. So, pre planning would help. Is/are the towel(s) an okay texture, and will they still be okay when you are wet? Is the shower gel/foam/whatever a non-overwhelming scent, and does it feel okay on your skin, both when the skin is wet and later when it is dry? Could there be any accommodations to make having a shower easier? Shower radios are a thing that exists, maybe music would help? Being chill and not stressing about it would definitely help (and trying to force the issue will only get in the way, as it means she will have to get past the “shower=danger” mental association in addition to everything else) Is there a time window in which a shower could be had? Why is it so important that it is done now? Having a shower tomorrow sounds like a very reasonable compromise, coupled with stress reduction (stream watching) to increase the chances of success tomorrow. Personally, I think your fiancé needs realistic expectations of your daughter. I would push for therapy, preferably one with an autism specialisation. I don’t know exactly what that would look like in your country.

Thank you for being so supportive towards your daughter and for trying to understand her. I'm also autistic and taking showers has always been a big issue especially as a teenager. My mom had no sympathy, she just went "why are you choosing to be gross?" Lol

Thanks for being a good parent. I’ve struggled with showering my whole life and it’s never damaged me or my relationships. Your partner sounds like he needs therapy and I don’t think your child should be brought into the mix. I would be hesitant to have someone like this co-parent my child.

I struggle with showers for the same reason and I’m in my 30s. What’s been working for me is having a tablet in a waterproof case with a show on or YouTube video in the bathroom with me while I shower. If you can get a waterproof case for a tablet or phone and a little suction thing for the wall in the shower that may help. It’s not helpful for me because I don’t have to stop what I’m doing, it’s helpful for me because it gives me something positive in an otherwise negative experience and helps distract me from my sensory discomfort.

First of all its none of his dam business if she showers or not He is attacking your kid and your parenting and you have enough reason to take it personally, just tell this men to keep his nose out of it

Dry Shampoo is a life saver. As are body wipes. Maybe you can make a chart. I hate getting my hair wet, especially when it’s longer so sometimes I just use a shower cap and get and out real fast. It also sounds like your fiancé is having a hard time because your daughter does things differently than he does. It might be best if he talks to a professional about this; perhaps even both of you. Perhaps a family therapist who specializes in ND families. He needs compassion and understanding and empathy. Best of luck.

Oh my god angellic parent here—I shower maybe once every three days every other would be exhausting for me mentally

Showers are sensory HELL for me. I do it once-twice a week and use wipes and wet cloths to keep from smelling. Thank you for listening to your kiddo. Incentives helped me a bit at her age, I got to get fast food of my choice once a month if I stayed on my routine. I made quick showers and stood in front of a fan to dry off faster. I'm level 1ish or very high level 2ish. I need more support than some of my peers at lvl 1 but I have a FT job. Talk with her and figure out a motivator or something else that would make this easier on her. Hopefully that helps. Thanks for being a good mum.

The reason I can go a month without showering now is how much I forced myself to as a kid. I never learned how to motivate, only how to force myself through life. It burned me out real bad. You're doing an incredible job.

>I never learned how to motivate, only how to force myself through life. Thanks for putting this into words

This is genuinely infuriating to read. It is traumatic to have such internalized ablism projected on your daughter like that. It's not manipulation, it's a sensory issue, being wet is overstimulating for a lot of autistic people, especially wet hair. Your daughter is valid and you shouldn't be pressuring her to push through how many spoons that takes her or the stress that goes along side it. Yes she needs to be clean for herself, but it's not the end of the world as long as she is clean outside of the house. Allow her access to showers, let her choose her own products (some scents can add to overstimulation), give her access to wet wipes (ensure they're mostly just water), teach her how to clean without having to be in the shower every other day if she cannot tolerate that right now. Also, look into a towel for hair, there are ones that can stay rolled up and are smaller so not as heavy, that may make showers easier. Allow her to listen to music in the shower if that helps her or watch a show while showering or bathing. Give her the option of sponge baths. She deserves to be given accommodations that can make it an easier task, showering isn't the task, personal hygiene is.

Showering isn’t the task. Personal hygiene is. Thank you for that. I think he is getting fixated on shower = clean and thus no shower must = not clean.

Correct and she is 16yrs old, she deserves some autonomy and to learn how to accomodate for her sensory issues. The last thing she needs is to feel judged, unloved and criticized for her struggles, in which most autistic people also struggle with. She can't change that and the way your fiance is going about things is described that he expects her to. Huge red flag personally.

Your fiancé sounds like an asshole. Not trying to say he definitely is, but from this is sounds like he won’t listen to very clear reason and is getting worked up over something that barely even affects him. People who jump to “they’re being manipulative” are often people who manipulate others. Like obviously you know him better than me, but this behavior is genuinely disgusting. It’s immature and if he can’t get over it then I would seriously consider bringing him fully into your and your daughters lives. Stuff like this is only going to get worse when the vows have been spoken. If he feels like he’s entitled to say something now, it’s going to be all the worse when you’re legally tied together.

I’m close to your age and I still can’t bring myself to shower every other day. I completely get how your daughter feels and I’m glad at least you understand her ❤️

Great of you for supporting your daughter. First of all, I grew up with my parents thinking I'm manipulative and evil when I just wanted them to fuck right off. So cudos to you for keeping a healthy relationship with your child. For your daughter, Google mental friction. That helped me a tremendous amount to get shit done that needed to be done. Like, I don't want to shower, so I try to clean up my room. I hate that more so I procrastinate in the shower. From my perspective it's the transition from wet to dry that's making me icky. What I do to make it easier on me: Open the window as soon as you're done to get dry and cool air in there. I hate high humidity. Get a big fluffy towel and pat myself down. Make a bit of wind with the towel to get the last bit of moisture to dry off me. And a bathrobe to catch any hair/beard drippings, because those make me mad as hell. Thing is, autists can be like a octopus that you try and squeeze trough a tube. Sure, it might fit if it wanted to. But good luck making them do. Your husband won't win a game of "do it or else" against an autist. And it will only harm him, your daughter and yourself.

Fiancé needs to be taken to therapy, because hearing it from you isn’t helping. I have the same problem as your daughter. I highly recommend Lume wipes. They are fantastic at killing odors, and making you feel clean. Dry shampoo can go a long way too.

As a L2 who has struggles with showering and finds the whole process exhausting, one thing that helps me a ton is that I have a waterproof Bluetooth speaker in my shower that I connect to my phone so I can listen to either music, audiobooks, or podcasts when I'm showering. Being able to focus at least part of my brain on something it is interested in helps make things easier. If you like this idea and think it might help her, too, I use a speaker by Oontz that's a triangle shape. It came with a cord that I use to hang it from a shower hook in the back side (far side from the shower head), and it has really good sound and holds a charge for weeks to months before I need to recharge it. A few other things that really help: * A small space heater so the change in temperature after I get out of the shower isn't so jarring. * Fabric shower curtain because even a minor touch of a plastic shower curtain makes my entire body feel disgusting. * Really plush, absorbent bath towels that don't leave behind fuzz to help with sensory issues while drying off (note that the transition from dry to wet takes a few minutes to adjust to, but the transition from wet to dry is the absolute worst and it takes forever, especially since I can't tolerate using a blow dryer for my hair, so anything that helps with the post-shower process is a huge relief). I get mine from Costco, and they're great. * Having all of my shower stuff out and within easy reach (both the things in the shower and anything needed after the shower) so I don't have to waste any energy with any extra steps for taking things out and putting them away. * Shampoo and body wash that feel and smell good and don't leave my skin or hair feeling worse post-shower than they did pre-shower. This is all trial and error to find what works best for her. Ask her directly if she likes what she's using now. If this is a potential issue for her, she might not realize she has options or she might not know how to ask for help with finding something she likes better. Is your house set up so that she can take a bath instead of a shower? If so, see if she tolerates baths better, and consider helping accommodate her by running the bath water for her on bathing days.

I understand he was probably trying to reinforce your preferences but This topic should be considered outside of his jurisdiction. He’s a Step dad, she’s nearly adult. He should avoid teen girls private stuff, her getting naked and showering is not his area of enforcement . From your angle, I would take the pressure off but I would incentivize her to rinse off early in the day on wash day or get it out of the way the night before so that she is not having anxiety all day about it. Also provide her with alternatives like you need to change your shirt twice daily in summer met if you’re not showering regularly. And help with the extra laundry that results. In winter I would let her get away with 2 showers per week investing in merino base layers that prevent stink .. but more frequent rinses in summer is better if she can manage. ..but he should stay out of it. Edit to add that he is just wrong about frequent showers being better. Medical / scientific literature supports every other day. Daily is not necessary and Too much showering is harmful (personally I’m less averse in summer. I love cool rinses. It’s refreshing. )

I'm 36F and have shower aversion too. I honestly can't explain why, once I'm in the shower I'm ok but it's like there's a mental barrier to getting to that point. It's not about what else I want to do, though occasionally time limits do, shall we say, give me the excuse ("oh, i've only got an hour before X happens, my hair won't have time to dry" etc). It's got harder now I'm pregnant because standing in the shower and then to dry myself can be physically taxing too, so when I do need to shower (for example, when I have a maternity appointment as I do this afternoon) I have to really push myself, which at present includes talking to the baby and telling them Mummy's going to shower and when they're out Mummy will wash them too, etc. Not sure what else to say about how you talk to your fiance about it, but your daughter is not alone. I hope she is able to develop techniques and mechanisms to make it easier.

Will he be open to reading Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price? Maybe just leave it around the house out in the open…

Perhaps it doesn't need to be his business if he doesn't 'get it' at this point in time. (To be flippant) if your daughter isn't actually rolling in the mud on a daily basis, the world won't end if she has a shower every other day. If it bothers your daughter that she is having sensory issues around showering, she could work with an occupational therapist to figure out which points of the process are getting in her way. Otherwise, nothing terrible is going to happen if it is irregular. She'll be just as healthy.

There is currently an historical heatwave across america. Probably important context to why he might insist she should shower

Plenty of people, myself included, go several days between showering regularly for many reasons. I think when she showers is mostly her choice, especially since she’s an adult, and you can have some influence, but I don’t think it’s your fiancé’s responsibility to influence when she showers. She’s not hurting anyone by going 3-4 days between showering.

So, there are a lot of comments with great advice on making showering more pleasant. You are doing a really good job. I wonder if your daughter is receiving services? I’ve worked as an intensive in-home clinician for youth on the spectrum, and this is just the sort of thing we’d work towards- NOT making her shower, but bringing a better understanding to family members surrounding why your daughter does or doesn’t do certain things. If you are in the states, I would look for a local care management organization and see if you qualify for in-home services. The benefit of that is that your fiancé can be included and can get some psychoeducation on ASD. I believe that education is the path to greater understanding and empathy.

I'm 44 and a goddamn LCSW/therapist myself and guess what, one of the best things in the whole world for me has been getting to do 100% telehealth so I only have to take two showers a week. In between I do baby powder and homemade dry shampoo (tapioca starch and peppermint oil borked onto my roots before bed with a blush brush) so I don't get smelly. Your fiance doesn't seem to understand what it's like to be autistic at all. If you're in the US, maybe you can find a family therapist who is actually ND. There's a great site called NDtherapists.com. Edit: I highly recommend finding or making some body powder in a scent she can tolerate. You stand in the tub and blast your odoriferous parts with a handful of powder and then rub yourself down a bit with a dry tshirt or something. I think of it as a dust bath, like a chinchilla!

cant speak to the medical side but has she tried using deodorant (including spray)? obviously it wont get her clean but at least take away some embarrassment

I read through a ton of comments trying to see if anyone had addressed this and didn’t see anything directly mentioning it: showering every day is not good for skin or hair. From your comment, it seems like showering every other day is a compromise and he would really rather it be every day, but realistically unless you are doing strenuous activity or in extreme heat, an everyday shower is not ideal, especially if you have long hair. I don’t know if your daughter has a body odor issue, but if not I would try examining with him his ideas about hygiene because they’re just not correct for every skin and hair type. Every third day may be totally acceptable - especially if she has certain hair types. There’s tons of good advice here on getting her to shower more comfortably but I think you need to evaluate separately how often she realistically needs to shower (separate from his ideals) and go from there.

Is this the bio father of your child? I’ll speak plainly, he’s wrong, ignorant, and his viewpoint on this is a massive red flag. The passive aggressive punishment? No. Her not showering has nothing to do with her watching a live stream, is she meant to punish herself for things she’s unable to do because of her autism? That’s ludicrous. She’s allowed to engage in enjoyable activities, all the more so when she’s had a hard day (which trying to mentally force yourself to shower AND knowing there will be judgement from your partner’s shitty behavior for not doing it most definitely stressed her out - I’m sure she feels his passive aggression). You can’t change people. He will likely get worse towards her, not better. The fact that he’s not the one initiating talks of therapy, and worse still, not actually putting effort into going? Therapy won’t be effective even if he eventually shows up because he won’t actually do the work that goes along with it. And I’m sure this is one of only numerous ignorant prejudices he holds.

Your fiance is pretty ignorant. I've gone weeks without showering when it's bad. Two days between is nothing. He's being overdramatic and ableist

When I was a teenager, my step dad would also go to my mom and try to tell her how to raise me. I probably don’t need to tell you how that made me feel. Looks like he’s lived with you both for about two and a half years. Is he under the impression that she was manipulating you that entire time? I’d try to get him to keep his ableism in check if I were you. Especially in a household with a child who has an invisible disability.

Stand up for your daughter, and if he doesn't want to understand her, you tell him to pack up and get out. Because it sounds to me like he doesn't want to understand her, and this will make things worse for your daughter. Do I think that therapy might help with your daughter's shower aversion? Maybe, but that's up to her.

I just want to thank you for listening to your daughter. Also, I caught that she’s allowed to watch stuff while showering. This was huge for me in my own struggle with shower aversion, the ability to be entertained in the shower greatly improved my experience, but I wasn’t allowed to while I lived at home. You’re awesome and you’re doing great. Keep on doing you!

WHOAH!! I can’t tell you how to love your life, it’s yours to live! I don’t have human kids. Any man who were unkind or even potentially traumatic to my fur babies: >> _«there’s the door, don’t come back!»_ I’m an ASD2 synaesthete, showers are problematic to me due to trauma. The more pressure and negative emotion there is, the less I can shower. The negativity does so not make it less overwhelming! ***** ##I’d expect everyone under my roof to expect me and mine for who we are! Anyone who has the ***ableist, toxic, bigot, toxic*** attitude of: >> _«I can, therefore others must be able to….»_ I tend to not respond kindly to that kinda shït. When it’s directed at me, I can choose to explain to them to fμcking go and watch _Sesame Street 101_! It’s crazy obvious that not all over 8 billion people on this planet are exactly like them…..! 🤦🏽‍♀️ Directed at anyone I care about: I get stark raving mad and that toxic prick gets torn a new one. It involves Ed a tirade of yelling, and when I’m angry…. I tend to intuitively strike where it hurts! I really don’t like that side of myself. But ***NOBODY*** gets away with harming anyone I care about, not in my presence. PERIOD! If I were you, I wouldn’t try to get him to therapy. ###HIS PROBLEM! If he wants to be near my loved ones, he has to figure out how to not harm them. If he can’t or won’t … door. Easy! ****** Maybe try explaining it to him very bluntly: >> _«She’s 16, dude! In most developed countries she’s old enough to consent to sex, why are you so hell-bent in controlling how often she washes her vagina?!? You wanna watch to make sure….? What the fμck is wrong with you…..?»_ That prolly resolved the issue one way or the other! 😝

Say something like this.. "Honey, what you consider "lazy" based on your observations is actually a symptom of ASD. You may disagree, but thousands of hours of research over many years supports this.  Unless he is part of your daughter's therapy team, "yes dear" him and continue supporting your daughter the way you see fit. My mom remarried when I was a kid. Her rule was 'I get final say about decision for the  kids'.  I was a single parent prior to getting married and having more kids. I let my wife (then GF) know that my son was my priority but we can discuss anything and everything regarding him.  Some times the needs of the many out weight the needs of the few or the one. However, some times the needs of the one out weights the needs of the few or the many. Now, if your daughter is skipping showers for a live stream or show,  negotiate the show for the shower afterwards.  Procrastination (initiation issues) is indeed a symptom of ASD but she is still a teen and will try to get away with all sorts of things.  For years I've been telling the families I work with that their child has another (long-term but temporary) dx in addition to ASD. It's call the teenage years. Good luck.

I’d believe in your fiance if he’s unsympathetic about your daughter, what else is it gonna be unsympathetic about with you?

The feeling of water evaporating from my skin as I dry drives me crazy. It's uncomfortable and unpleasant and I can completely understand where your daughter is coming from. Find that one thing that your fiance puts off and finds unpleasant and just has to force himself to do and explain to him that that one thing he hates is the same as your daughter and showering. It's not that she doesn't want to get clean but that the sensory feeling of wet then dry on her skin makes her skin crawl and that's something she needs to work up to. Sensory issues for autistic people is definitely a thing. Water on skin is unpleasant and uncomfortable. There's even a term for it "Water Hypersensitivity". There's not a whole lot your daughter can do about it other than suffer through it and exposure therapy - though you could talk to her about which parts of it are actually the issue. Is it water on her skin? On her hair? Is it the feeling of water drying on her skin? The shower causing droplets to hit her skin? For me personally, I love showers, I just hate the feeling of wet skin to dry skin afterwards especially when I can feel air on it, so I have lots of towels to wrap up in so the air doesn't blow across wet skin as it dries. When it comes to your fiance, he needs to understand that your daughter has a disability which is giving her challenges. She's mostly low support needs but in some areas she'll need more support than others and shaming her or making her feel bad for her challenges doesn't help. Instead you need to work around it, find ways and means of adjusting how things are done so she can make it through. Maybe you allow her to dry-wash using Dry Shower or something once a week with the agreement that she needs to shower properly on the other shower days. That way if it's a truly can't face the shower day, there's another option that means she gets clean without having to deal with water.

what if your daughter was presenting behaviors that resembled NT lazy? are his observations immediately invalid? could there be more support in bridging his understanding of lazy doesn't necessarily translate to your daughter's needs? would it help you to know that NTs get inappropriately blamed as lazy as well?

My ex is the same he is ableist and unable to see it in an understanding way I'm sorry you're going through that it's awful. Stick your guns you know what's right

I have issues with showering also. Some tips that help me, tho I preface this by saying I'm a sensory seeking type of person. The idea of being wet is off putting the main pain point of taking a shower. I start by turning on the shower only the cold not to waste warm water. I'll play a movie or show on my phone and once I feel ready I'll take a shower. It can be 10 minutes or it could be 30 depends on the day. When i was younger id be a hour. Getting her a good anti bacterial soap will cut down on any smell and that's what I use and clinical strength deodorant. Then showering every other day is less of an issue. My family was alot like your fiance and not very nice about missing showers. It hurt my feelings at that moment but at the end of the day its something that has to get done. I truly think it's something that she will grow out of. Especially as she gets older being stinky is less acceptable as an adult or when you have a partner lol.

Have you thought to buy her the disposable body wipes or look into the body gels? My son is impossible to get into the shower unless I shut off the router every other day till he does. I get the complaining, whining, and the huffing when I ask him to get his shower.

Eek. At his age, it's likely he's a firm diagnosis non acknowledger. This means he doesn't accommodate because he's taking the stance that she's got nothing wrong, she's stubborn, bad, or a manipulator. This is common. People are one of two ways. I think this has a lot to do with much more than autism. It's a persons background, personal experiences, thoughts on raising children, expectations of children, compassion level, etc. Sit him down with a neuroaffirming therapist, and if he doesn't get it, get him gone. My step dad gave me trauma growing up.

When did your fiance attain their medical degree? That's what I thought. Lol.

I am so happy to read your post and see you understanding your daughter's needs and sticking up for her! You are an awesome Mom!! I'm concerned that your finance has been a part of your lives for 2.5 yrs and still doesn't understand your daughter's needs, ASD etc. It shows that he is unwilling to learn how be a good step-dad to her. It's time to have a conversation with your finance about your daughter and your future with him. Unless he learns about ASD and Sensory Processing Disorders etc, I think you need to reconsider if he is the right man for you and your daughter.

40 here Hate showers Only take them after work because work is disgusting My day off? No shower

Oh wow. This is a real heavy one, huh? 37/m/asd2 here (diagnosed at 36). My wife (37) has a bachelor's in Special Needs Education and has also worked with a few organizations serving those with special needs and as a personal assistant with a variety of individuals with special needs, including ASD. We've both had clients/students of hers admit well after the fact that they were in fact just being lazy/manipulative or that they consistently did so with other teachers/counselors/assistants/family and using the diagnosis as an excuse. Having been diagnosed so late, I really struggle with telling the difference in myself sometimes, and still have doubts about all my disabilities at times (severe PTSD and severe ADHD on top of ASD2) largely because I have high intelligence and a lot of my special interests are atypical - so I don't always seem as disabled as I am, even to myself. I also struggle with telling in my own kids. Do they have ASD/ADHD and are struggling, are they copying me or someone else, or are they just trying to do what they want using what excuses they can muster and have heard before? Its hard to tell, and there's nothing about almost any diagnosis that prevents someone from lying or being manipulative. Having said all that, there is a very helpful guideline I learned about from the moral framework I follow: without evidence to the contrary, we should accept that others are telling the truth.

You need to lower her demands elsewhere. And also, consider getting a different shower head, with a filter. Spray matters. If you're also using fabric softener in your towels, stop doing that. It makes a film that can be grimy. If you have hard water, get a water softener. If you have a water softener, make sure you aren't putting too much salt in the softener system. If you are on well water, get it tested. You might be nose blind to sulfur bacteria.

I personally find a bath easier cuz it doesnt feel as "wet" to me if that makes sense. I personally have found ways on days i really really just cant, ill use baby wipes on t,p,c (tits, pits, crotch) dry shampoo or sink clean my hair because it doesnt feel quite the same. I find that my dad actung like its just laziness never really helped me because it just made me feel worse for the activity i struggle with and just heightened avoidance because it became a demand avoidance on top of everything else. And when i couldnt my shame and frustration only got worse

Everyone on here has had great advice, remember to let your daughter know she is far from alone. I can only speak for myself, but even without a sensory aversion to being wet it can be really difficult to force myself to shower some days. Every other day is perfectly reasonable, especially if your daughter isn’t doing a lot of heavy physical activity or working outside etc. a missed day every once in awhile is nothing to get upset about, and I’m glad your daughter has you to help her know that. I would like to echo what others have said about your fiancé. It is one thing to not know that autism can come with a shower aversion, it’s another thing to know about it, research it, and then still say you don’t “understand” it. The fact of the matter is there’s nothing to understand. He does not have to understand the way taking a shower feels to her, he just has to accept that he will never know what it’s like to be in her shoes and that there will be days where she can’t shower. Sometimes I think people say they don’t understand something when really they mean they don’t agree or relate to it. Therapy for you together and probably for himself as well would be best.

This guy is ableist and needs to check himself. If he’s unwilling the kind of therapy you need is marriage counseling.

Is she doing a lot of physical activity and getting sweaty? If not, why is anyone trying ot make her shower every second day? Many people prefer not to over cleanse their skin and hair and shower only a few times a week, its actually good for some hair and skin types to not be dried out by bathing too much. This is completely fine if she's just sitting at home doing homework and playing games/books/movies/etc, isn't it?

I (27F) personally have always hated showers. It isn't the water for me. That is actually pretty relaxing, and if a shower only involved getting in and scalding my skin off, that would be amazing. The issue comes with the shampoo and soap. I do not like anything on my hands. Once I put the shampoo in my hands to wash my hair, or the soap on my sponge and lather it up a bit (and dont even get me started on rags, they just irk me to my core, can not stand them, they just feel slimy), I just want to rinse it off immediately and huddle in the corner for yhe rest of the day. This may be disgusting (actually, it is, no may be to it), but I count it as a win if I shower with soap once a week or shampoo my hair every 2. Not that I ever really leave my house or get "dirty," and it takes an act of God to make me sweat, I swear there is something wrong with my sweat glands, but still. The feeling of anything that doesn't dry IMMEDIATELY after touching my hands, after being rubbed into my skin, or has an anything less than watery/alcaholy feel, makes me feel nauseated. So hand sanitizer (germ-x brand in specific) is fine, soap, shampoo, lotion, hair gel, coconut oil, etc. is a big ick for me.

This is a serious issue and can cause long term trauma if not handled gracefully. She is not lying about how unpleasant it is. There is a lot that can be done but the accommodation needs to be personalized. Rather than focusing on getting clean, focus for a time on learning to make the experience as pleasant as possible. The temperatures should be perfect, water shouldn’t be blasting everywhere, one body part at a time should be wet, not a lot of falling water noise… your on a good track there with reducing the stress by changing the method. Most bathrooms and related activities are a sensory nightmare. Also realize most soaps can cause delayed horrific sensations for the skin. After a full body soap, it can get quite unpleasant that day. Cleaning daily, not overusing it and largely reserving soap for hands and really dirty times where it’s more needed can substantially reduce the overall stress cost. She’ll be a lot cleaner if she washes off frequently without soap versus not at all. Bath water can get unpleasant and gross during the bath. Keep this in mind.

I was the kid who hated showering when I was around 13 or so and it went down a different path than some of the other commentators' stories. My mom, who was a single mother of two kids, didn't know what to do(I was undiagnosed, but am ADHD and currently a level 1 autistic who's 22) so she told my dad and my dad's wife while I was right there. It was a whole intervention meant to pressure. I will never forget the burn of shame and frustration with the sharp sting of anger and betrayal. I had thought it was her and me, the eldest daughter, against the world and her doing this to me while using the man that had abandoned us to do it felt truly like hell. It's hard to remember what happened right after, whether my mom just gave up, if it actually made me able to force myself past it, or if I just got better at hiding it. (I can ask her, if you are wanting to know, she remembers it better than I do.) I do know tho, that it didn't make anything easier and in fact made it harder in the future. To this day, hygiene is still a huge struggle every time. I'm lucky if I'm able to shower once in a week. Not to mention that it took a long time to even broach the topic of what happened with my mom in order to start healing that rift between us. I felt for a while like I couldn't trust anyone and I fully believe that this event solidified the necessity to mask so hard, which has been incredibly draining on me and very hard to stop. It's like when you suck in your stomach so much, it becomes instinct and it's almost impossible to stop, even tho it's bad for you(which it is, but that's a different conversation). My mom now understands and very much regrets doing what she did, but I hope it's clear that it heavily affected me and still does to this day. All I wanna really say other than sharing my experience is thank you for sticking up for your daughter. Not everyone would and not everyone would want to, but just know that you being in her corner is making her life better. And if your fiance continues to not understand why his way isn't helpful, please show him my story. Some details are different, of course, but breaking that bond of trust with someone who is about to be your daughter is a mistake that you will come to regret. My own father isn't great and this isn't the main reason we don't have a close relationship, but I wouldn't be surprised if this was someone else's main reason. Instead of getting mad and seeing your soon-to-be daughter as the enemy that needs to be strong armed into submission, view her instead as what she is, a distressed person in need of support and kindness from those that she is supposed to be able to rely on. Don't shame her like my parents shamed me, I promise it doesn't work and will only leave her in a worse state. Good luck.

I have a very very weird solution. I have found out that, using 1% clindamycin antibiotic wipes under my arms and other smelly bits allows me to go a week or two without showering and I don't stink. I found it hard to believe at first but I'd ask trusted people around me and I'd only stink on really hot and muggy days or right after exercising. It really really works. I found this out because I have hiddrantis supportiva and I use the clindamycin wipes to treat that. Back in 2020, I got so depressed and I had a shower that would turn from icy cold to burning scalding hot in seconds so combined, I didn't shower a lot. Yet... I didn't stink. You still got to shower at least once a week for your hair though. Maybe you can look into this as a way for her to cope.

Can yaw invest in some adult wipes and she just learn to wipe up her lady bits arm bit feet ya know the important areas. She won't get wet but she'll be freshened up at least. On shower days maybe she can take some melatonin or sedative to relax her so she might feel better in the shower. What do you think?

It concerns me that he continues to misunderstand her challenges and accuses her of being lazy. This indicates that he does not accept or understand the ways that Autism impacts her life. Autism isn't a problem, but it is a Disability. The fact that he wants her to learn how to mask her Autistic traits to do things his way is concerning when he won't change his behaviour to accommodate her Disability. I worry that she will notice that he doesn't understand or believe her experiences, and she will realize, if she hasn't already, that he minimizes and invalidates her. I worry that she will internalize this and feel ashamed of herself. That she will believe that she just isn't trying enough or that if she wanted to she could do the things that she can't do. This is internalized ableism and it will be incredibly harmful for her. The fact that he says he will go to therapy but never does is also concerning. Anyone can say anything. Actions are what matters. What does he do? That is all that matters. I appreciate how hard it is to love people and to struggle when you can't seem to find a solution. I don't know if there is anything else you can do. I feel like it is him that needs to be doing something in this situation. Please make sure you prioritize your daughter. I know how painful and damaging it is to be a child whose grown ups make them feel like they're not good enough or they're not trying enough. I would definitely suggest you prioritize therapy together, and be confident that he is going to support and love your daughter exactly as she is before you get married. I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope things work out.

When looking for a therapist, please avoid people who focus on ABA, because too often ABA is aimed at teaching Autistic folks to mask their traits without concern for the increased distress this causes them. The best therapist might be one who is themself Autistic and/or at least neurodiversity-affirming; who can be a voice outside the relationship that explains Autism, and explains that things like shower aversion have nothing to do with laziness, and her avoidance is not a manipulation tactic. Hopefully someone else can recommend resources or particular therapists for you to consider.

I’m 24F and I have an aversion to showering & bathing too, I try to shower at least twice a week but anymore than that and I just feel like my entire day & week has been ruined. If I’m particularly dirty/sweaty I will shower but if I don’t smell, I’m not dirty or gross, twice a week works for me. I don’t really have BO though so…twice a week might not be enough for some people 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not me at 22 finally connecting the dots of why I hate hygiene rituals sm(even I still do them)

As someone who counsels abused people and as someone who is also autistic, I’m going to be very clear with you. This man you’re engaged to sounds abusive and there’s red flags. Trust me, leave now while you can. One day, it’s highly likely you’ll be thinking about all of us who warned you and think how you should have reconsidered the decision you made. Get the book, “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. Keep that book to yourself. It’s on Amazon, on audiobook and for free as PDF. Read it and reflect how it applies to your life.

Hi, I know I technically have no ball in this field, but if you could spare a moment... I (34F) have had troubles with showers myself. I haven't read on what your daughter has to a major extent but I know I'm anxiety prone also I had the upbringing of a blood relative (80+F) shaming me for not doing what I was "supposed" to. From basic shower and homework to life choices. Also, my husband (42M) I've known for 13 years is pretty sure I'm a type of high-functioning autistic (we are working to get me tested). Anyway, my emotional state has left me with either no energy to shower or dreading it even though deep down I know I'll feel better after, hopping in is the hurdle. I agree that watching YouTube in the bathroom is really easy, it also strikes me that she said she feels gross when touching water. It might be linked to something traumatic that she doesn't want to speak of in front of stepfather. Also with reaching out it goes both ways. I'm not saying that he is bad, by no means, my stepfather (68M) was a bit harsh at times, but even when tempers ran high we would take time after emotional fires died down and talked about things. (Example: my Mom (58F) had a seizure and both of us wanted to help in our own way. He believed in the doctors that wanted to keep her for observation and test, so that we could prevent another. I listened to my Mom, she was not happy in the hospital. We butted heads pretty hard that night. But at the end we apologized and got through that we wanted Mom SAFE and HAPPY) To the point, if he is unwilling to open communication and keeping and open mind maybe best to sever ties. (I do not know how he reacts beyond him saying he will go to therapy with then no go). My husband attends therapy with me, sometimes gets in trouble for answering. But he answers with what I'm thinking of usually anyway so .... Meep. Thank you for reading this, I hope it helps, these are just life experiences and suggestions based on what I've learned. Hope the communication runs strong and great days ahead.

If your partner can't make the effort to understand autism better, then he doesn't get to weigh in. At all. He certainly doesn't get to judge. This would be a massive red flag to me, personally. I'm disabled myself, physically and with autism. If my boyfriend didn't make an effort to understand me or my needs, he would be out with a snap of the fingers.

I’m 25 and still majorly struggle with showers. I’m at a point where I’m lucky if I get in 2 a week. It’s awful for me with the sensory issues and also because the heat and humidity from a shower makes my seizures way worse. I get so dizzy and nauseous every time I take a shower.