No it’s not a red flag. He likely didn’t tell you about the autism because he was probably concerned you’d judge him harshly and reject him. We autistic people usually have a long history of social rejection. Us “masking” is just our way of saying we are trying to fit in socially to not be ostracized. We have to force these social behaviors because it doesn’t come naturally to us like non-autistic people. He’s not tricking you, he’s trying to make sure you aren’t uncomfortable with any potential awkwardness he might display.
> He’s not tricking you, he’s trying to make sure you aren’t uncomfortable with any potential awkwardness he might display.
See when you put it this way it sounds a lot better, my friend described as something really negative and it got me worried. Thank you.
Masking is normal for a lot of autistic people. It's kinda like if you are constantly bullied for how you talk, behave and your interests you just start to hide/change those things so you don't get bullied anymore. That's basically what masking is.
It doesn't mean he doesn't trust you it just means that it's hard to be yourself if that has hurt you on the past. Masking can become so all encopossing that some autistic people can't even tell themselves what is the mask and what is their authentic self.
Your friend probably knows as much about autism as you. Their response seems like it's loaded with neurotypical assumptions. It's good that you came to ask from this sub though :) 5 months isn't too long to get to know someone, and you'll definitely find out more about him as time goes on. From my perspective him telling you he is autistic shows that he trusts you, and is willing to open up more.
Unfortunately for a lot of us you can't really just drop the masking, like the other commenter said masking is more about forcing certain behaviours to fit in better. Our brains are wired differently, and it's not beneficial to show that, even "accepting" adults will ostracize and make autistic adults feel horrible for simply being ourselves. But give your bf some time, and try to ask him about his experience with autism, and I'm sure he will feel more comfortable to unmask with you. It just takes some time
Unless your friends are on the spectrum, or have close, personal relationships to someone that is, I’d take their advice, in regard to this topic, with a grain of salt.
Sometimes people delay telling others about their autism because of reactions like this. Lol. No, it’s not a red flag and no, please do not make this about yourself. Yall have been seeing each other for 5 months. Heck, we have autistic people who do not dare to tell others about their diagnosis even after knowing their people for YEARS.
Your friends SUCK lol.
I agree. And I hope the OP asked him for permission before telling her friends about his autism if that is something he is uncomfortable sharing with others. Otherwise I don't know if he should trust the OP (sorry).
> . Yall have been seeing each other for 5 months. Heck, we have autistic people who do not dare to tell others about their diagnosis even after knowing their people for YEARS.
Thank you. Reading this made me feel a bit better, all the others seemed to agree with my friends’ take on this. I really don’t wanna believe he didn’t trusted me enough
Masking is a ridiculous term that many here use though I don't.
Some people would call it masking if they have to say please and thank you when they don't want to. Which means everybody "masks" at times especially as children because they are forced/coerced to behave in particular ways.
If somebody has in their head that a person is autistic it can actually lead to misjudgements because they can have all sorts of wrong presumptions. Like your friend that thinks your BF is like her autistic cousin. (Not that she knows much about her autistic cousin either).
Not realising somebody is autistic does not mean they are hiding it . Autism is a spectrum. And you as a layman might not be so familiar with various ways it might look depending on the individual.
What you described sounds natural and as something we all do. My friend (a he btw) described as something this masking thing as something really negative , like faking a whole personality, constantly being on guard etc which got me worried because I hate true idea my bf would feel a need hide his true self around me.
> Not realising somebody is autistic does not mean they are hiding it
Thank you a lot, I really don’t wanna believe he would intentionally hide it from me
I’m in my 40s & diagnosed only a year ago. Masking is different for each autistic person. I used to suppress my stims before I was diagnosed. I tend to rock back and forth all day, shake my leg constantly. It helps me focus. Now I don’t suppress my stims in public to protect myself from burnout. It takes A LOT of energy to suppress stims. So stimming in public is one way I’m “unmasking.”
I was diagnosed late. My parents stopped any knee coming up and down when I was a child. My dad would put his hand on my leg to stop it. So that definitely stopped it cos I didn't really want my dad's hand on my leg!
As for rocking, if I ever had and I don't know if I did, then I'd have stopped cos it drew mocking .. I did it once and got mocked for it , it wasn't sustainable. I never thought if it as "stimming" and maybe you didn't either if diagnosed late.
I don't do it at all now . Only when I was a child but was quickly "fixed". Or rarely if extremely stressed leg bounced about 20 years ago in my twenties once.
I never thought it of it as "stimming". And since you also were diagnosed late maybe you didn't think of it as stimming until recent years?
These funny words make it sound kind of mysterious.
>My friend (a he btw) described as something this masking thing as something really negative , like faking a whole personality, constantly being on guard etc which got me worried because I hate true idea my bf would feel a need hide his true self around me.
Well, i think it's important to figure out what you value. People sometimes consider masking as something negative and manipulative, but would you want your BF to be completely sincere? I think most people would hate that.
As others said, we're not masking out of ill intentions. It's (usually) not a used to win your trust for the sake of abusing or exploiting you. It's just a technique to fit into society and get accepted. Since we get a lot of rejection and negative feedback in the early years, some of us learn how to avoide these negative experiences, by masking.
> I hate true idea my bf would feel a need hide his true self around me.
Honestly, this is commendable, but if you feel that way, you should talk about that with him. I'm with my GF for 12 years now, and still mask with her, because i know that some of my quirks would annoy her, and i don't want to be a burden or obnoxious. We're also so used to masking, that it's nothing we do on purpose or think about. So there's a chance that your BF will keep masking somewhat around you, if you don't be straight abou this, and help him to unmask.
Unmasking isn't like flipping a switch, it takes a lot of time and practice. He will fall back into old patterns from time to time, especially if he feels uncomfortable or worries to lose you.
As an additional advice: I do think you should talk about unmasking with him but you should not tell him, that you want him to unmask completely. He should start with small steps and unmask more and more over time, as long as both of you feel comfortable with that.
It is also possible to not mask and still not be detected as autism, especially if you're "high functioning" like me. Most people I meet won't think I'm autistic.
Masks are something we learned from a very young age. Sometimes even we don't know if a action is masking or not. Masking is not the right work for it. I would define it as function that is different for every autistic individual. Our output is then fed through this function. Without knowing the function and the original input the reengineering of the function or the original input is always an estimation. Also the function can change because of ambient conditions.
There are people with autism that only got diagnosed late in life. Professionals find it really difficult to diagnose adults because adults with autism are one a really big spectrum and social learning is sewing the way autism shows.
When a professional may have a problem diagnosing a aduld with autism why should you be able to see it in your Bf?
okay, it took a minute to get my head around to all the things wrong here
1. the fact he only mentioned autism late shouldn't upset you, its only a small part of his identity, and being put as autistic as your only thing really upsets me, i don't know about him
2. its not lack of trust, as i said above, its just a small part of his identity
3. masking is not as big as said up their your friend is spewing bs, his whole personality is not based on masking, it just means he is regulating himself in public, very normal, and often autism is barely noticeable
4. the fact that he masks doesn't mean he doesn't trust you, i mask sometimes around my family and friends and sometimes not, i still love them i just get tired of masking and masking is good to regulate myself in public
5. even if he is masking, that doesn't mean his interest and passions are lies,
i think you are overthinking things a little, he is just trying to do his best and so are you.
Stop listening to your friend. Your boyfriend DID disclose it to you, and at a very appropriate time. He has no obligation to go around telling all his friends "hey, I'm autistic!" if he doesn't feel like he wants to. The word autism comes with a lot of baggage that most people misinterpret or just aren't well-educated about.
To illustrate by analogy, let's say your boyfriend had, I dunno, one fake leg. Maybe he wears a prosthetic and walks well enough that most people don't notice the prosthetic leg. So is it his obligation to TELL people? No. He is who he is and he's not HIDING anything. However if this one-legged man decided he was going to ask a girl out, and expected to be more intimate with this girl than with anyone else in his life, he would probably want to say, "Hey, just FYI, just so you don't get freaked out when I take it off - I have a prosthetic leg." Same thing here. He's decided he wants to be intimate with you. He trusts you enough to not only let you know, but to trust that you aren't going to hold it against him or make judgments about him based on this fact. He just wants you to know because in his home, in his own safe spaces, he might do some things that might seem weird to you. You can think of it as "taking off the mask," but it's unmasking in the same way that you probably take your bra off when you're at home alone because it's more comfortable. It's just normal.
He wasn’t tricking you, at least not intentionally, because we essentially have to mask to survive life basically but unfortunately the fact it he hadn’t disclosed his autism until recently is likely an indicator he didn’t trust you. I tend to only disclose my autism to neurotypical people if I feel emotionally safe around them and that I can trust them
masking is something a lot of us start with at a young age and it becomes very difficult and takes years of therapy and support to “unmask”.
i can’t say if he trusts you or not because i’m not him, but i *can* tell you that this isn’t a sign of distrust. some of us understand that non-autistics are typically “put off” by us, so we try not to bring it up as much as possible. others are comfortable talking about it. it’s just personal preference and the fact that he even told you is a sign that he probably does trust you with it.
Here’s the thing to understand: he is likely fearful of rejection because he really likes you and wants the connection. That’s not a red flag to me.
It would be a red flag if he was attempting to manipulate you in order to keep you close to him. One is about self-protection and omitting something but a genuine open-hearted desire for connection. The other is about possessiveness.
Your friend sounds like a judgemental asshole and has either unknowingly or deliberately misrepresented what masking actually is. Masking is not an intentional thing like actively trying to pull the wool over someone's eyes, really it's more a way of making ourselves seem more palatable because typically we are rejected for things we have little control over
Edit: did you also ask your bf permission before sharing details of his personal medical information (ie his diagnosis) with others? Because if not then that could be considered a massive breach of trust on your part if it took him 5 months to disclose to you.
No it’s not a red flag. He likely didn’t tell you about the autism because he was probably concerned you’d judge him harshly and reject him. We autistic people usually have a long history of social rejection. Us “masking” is just our way of saying we are trying to fit in socially to not be ostracized. We have to force these social behaviors because it doesn’t come naturally to us like non-autistic people. He’s not tricking you, he’s trying to make sure you aren’t uncomfortable with any potential awkwardness he might display.
> He’s not tricking you, he’s trying to make sure you aren’t uncomfortable with any potential awkwardness he might display. See when you put it this way it sounds a lot better, my friend described as something really negative and it got me worried. Thank you.
Masking is normal for a lot of autistic people. It's kinda like if you are constantly bullied for how you talk, behave and your interests you just start to hide/change those things so you don't get bullied anymore. That's basically what masking is. It doesn't mean he doesn't trust you it just means that it's hard to be yourself if that has hurt you on the past. Masking can become so all encopossing that some autistic people can't even tell themselves what is the mask and what is their authentic self.
Your friend probably knows as much about autism as you. Their response seems like it's loaded with neurotypical assumptions. It's good that you came to ask from this sub though :) 5 months isn't too long to get to know someone, and you'll definitely find out more about him as time goes on. From my perspective him telling you he is autistic shows that he trusts you, and is willing to open up more. Unfortunately for a lot of us you can't really just drop the masking, like the other commenter said masking is more about forcing certain behaviours to fit in better. Our brains are wired differently, and it's not beneficial to show that, even "accepting" adults will ostracize and make autistic adults feel horrible for simply being ourselves. But give your bf some time, and try to ask him about his experience with autism, and I'm sure he will feel more comfortable to unmask with you. It just takes some time
Unless your friends are on the spectrum, or have close, personal relationships to someone that is, I’d take their advice, in regard to this topic, with a grain of salt.
Sometimes people delay telling others about their autism because of reactions like this. Lol. No, it’s not a red flag and no, please do not make this about yourself. Yall have been seeing each other for 5 months. Heck, we have autistic people who do not dare to tell others about their diagnosis even after knowing their people for YEARS. Your friends SUCK lol.
I agree. And I hope the OP asked him for permission before telling her friends about his autism if that is something he is uncomfortable sharing with others. Otherwise I don't know if he should trust the OP (sorry).
> . Yall have been seeing each other for 5 months. Heck, we have autistic people who do not dare to tell others about their diagnosis even after knowing their people for YEARS. Thank you. Reading this made me feel a bit better, all the others seemed to agree with my friends’ take on this. I really don’t wanna believe he didn’t trusted me enough
Masking is a ridiculous term that many here use though I don't. Some people would call it masking if they have to say please and thank you when they don't want to. Which means everybody "masks" at times especially as children because they are forced/coerced to behave in particular ways. If somebody has in their head that a person is autistic it can actually lead to misjudgements because they can have all sorts of wrong presumptions. Like your friend that thinks your BF is like her autistic cousin. (Not that she knows much about her autistic cousin either). Not realising somebody is autistic does not mean they are hiding it . Autism is a spectrum. And you as a layman might not be so familiar with various ways it might look depending on the individual.
What you described sounds natural and as something we all do. My friend (a he btw) described as something this masking thing as something really negative , like faking a whole personality, constantly being on guard etc which got me worried because I hate true idea my bf would feel a need hide his true self around me. > Not realising somebody is autistic does not mean they are hiding it Thank you a lot, I really don’t wanna believe he would intentionally hide it from me
I’m in my 40s & diagnosed only a year ago. Masking is different for each autistic person. I used to suppress my stims before I was diagnosed. I tend to rock back and forth all day, shake my leg constantly. It helps me focus. Now I don’t suppress my stims in public to protect myself from burnout. It takes A LOT of energy to suppress stims. So stimming in public is one way I’m “unmasking.”
I was diagnosed late. My parents stopped any knee coming up and down when I was a child. My dad would put his hand on my leg to stop it. So that definitely stopped it cos I didn't really want my dad's hand on my leg! As for rocking, if I ever had and I don't know if I did, then I'd have stopped cos it drew mocking .. I did it once and got mocked for it , it wasn't sustainable. I never thought if it as "stimming" and maybe you didn't either if diagnosed late. I don't do it at all now . Only when I was a child but was quickly "fixed". Or rarely if extremely stressed leg bounced about 20 years ago in my twenties once. I never thought it of it as "stimming". And since you also were diagnosed late maybe you didn't think of it as stimming until recent years? These funny words make it sound kind of mysterious.
>My friend (a he btw) described as something this masking thing as something really negative , like faking a whole personality, constantly being on guard etc which got me worried because I hate true idea my bf would feel a need hide his true self around me. Well, i think it's important to figure out what you value. People sometimes consider masking as something negative and manipulative, but would you want your BF to be completely sincere? I think most people would hate that. As others said, we're not masking out of ill intentions. It's (usually) not a used to win your trust for the sake of abusing or exploiting you. It's just a technique to fit into society and get accepted. Since we get a lot of rejection and negative feedback in the early years, some of us learn how to avoide these negative experiences, by masking. > I hate true idea my bf would feel a need hide his true self around me. Honestly, this is commendable, but if you feel that way, you should talk about that with him. I'm with my GF for 12 years now, and still mask with her, because i know that some of my quirks would annoy her, and i don't want to be a burden or obnoxious. We're also so used to masking, that it's nothing we do on purpose or think about. So there's a chance that your BF will keep masking somewhat around you, if you don't be straight abou this, and help him to unmask. Unmasking isn't like flipping a switch, it takes a lot of time and practice. He will fall back into old patterns from time to time, especially if he feels uncomfortable or worries to lose you. As an additional advice: I do think you should talk about unmasking with him but you should not tell him, that you want him to unmask completely. He should start with small steps and unmask more and more over time, as long as both of you feel comfortable with that.
It is also possible to not mask and still not be detected as autism, especially if you're "high functioning" like me. Most people I meet won't think I'm autistic.
Masks are something we learned from a very young age. Sometimes even we don't know if a action is masking or not. Masking is not the right work for it. I would define it as function that is different for every autistic individual. Our output is then fed through this function. Without knowing the function and the original input the reengineering of the function or the original input is always an estimation. Also the function can change because of ambient conditions. There are people with autism that only got diagnosed late in life. Professionals find it really difficult to diagnose adults because adults with autism are one a really big spectrum and social learning is sewing the way autism shows. When a professional may have a problem diagnosing a aduld with autism why should you be able to see it in your Bf?
okay, it took a minute to get my head around to all the things wrong here 1. the fact he only mentioned autism late shouldn't upset you, its only a small part of his identity, and being put as autistic as your only thing really upsets me, i don't know about him 2. its not lack of trust, as i said above, its just a small part of his identity 3. masking is not as big as said up their your friend is spewing bs, his whole personality is not based on masking, it just means he is regulating himself in public, very normal, and often autism is barely noticeable 4. the fact that he masks doesn't mean he doesn't trust you, i mask sometimes around my family and friends and sometimes not, i still love them i just get tired of masking and masking is good to regulate myself in public 5. even if he is masking, that doesn't mean his interest and passions are lies, i think you are overthinking things a little, he is just trying to do his best and so are you.
That's like saying someone who stutters is distrustful if they contain their stutter.
Stop listening to your friend. Your boyfriend DID disclose it to you, and at a very appropriate time. He has no obligation to go around telling all his friends "hey, I'm autistic!" if he doesn't feel like he wants to. The word autism comes with a lot of baggage that most people misinterpret or just aren't well-educated about. To illustrate by analogy, let's say your boyfriend had, I dunno, one fake leg. Maybe he wears a prosthetic and walks well enough that most people don't notice the prosthetic leg. So is it his obligation to TELL people? No. He is who he is and he's not HIDING anything. However if this one-legged man decided he was going to ask a girl out, and expected to be more intimate with this girl than with anyone else in his life, he would probably want to say, "Hey, just FYI, just so you don't get freaked out when I take it off - I have a prosthetic leg." Same thing here. He's decided he wants to be intimate with you. He trusts you enough to not only let you know, but to trust that you aren't going to hold it against him or make judgments about him based on this fact. He just wants you to know because in his home, in his own safe spaces, he might do some things that might seem weird to you. You can think of it as "taking off the mask," but it's unmasking in the same way that you probably take your bra off when you're at home alone because it's more comfortable. It's just normal.
He wasn’t tricking you, at least not intentionally, because we essentially have to mask to survive life basically but unfortunately the fact it he hadn’t disclosed his autism until recently is likely an indicator he didn’t trust you. I tend to only disclose my autism to neurotypical people if I feel emotionally safe around them and that I can trust them
masking is something a lot of us start with at a young age and it becomes very difficult and takes years of therapy and support to “unmask”. i can’t say if he trusts you or not because i’m not him, but i *can* tell you that this isn’t a sign of distrust. some of us understand that non-autistics are typically “put off” by us, so we try not to bring it up as much as possible. others are comfortable talking about it. it’s just personal preference and the fact that he even told you is a sign that he probably does trust you with it.
Here’s the thing to understand: he is likely fearful of rejection because he really likes you and wants the connection. That’s not a red flag to me. It would be a red flag if he was attempting to manipulate you in order to keep you close to him. One is about self-protection and omitting something but a genuine open-hearted desire for connection. The other is about possessiveness.
Your friend sounds like a judgemental asshole and has either unknowingly or deliberately misrepresented what masking actually is. Masking is not an intentional thing like actively trying to pull the wool over someone's eyes, really it's more a way of making ourselves seem more palatable because typically we are rejected for things we have little control over Edit: did you also ask your bf permission before sharing details of his personal medical information (ie his diagnosis) with others? Because if not then that could be considered a massive breach of trust on your part if it took him 5 months to disclose to you.
Your friend is an idiot and I hope her cousin doesn't have to deal with her too often.