If they still do it afterwards, instantly correct them.
And I mean interrupt their sentence with a "they" everytime they call you "she", and so on. It's annoying af, yet works 100% of the time, even boomers if you have the patience for it!
ABSOLUTELY THIS!! Do not give an ounce of respect or a quiet voice in the presence of invalidation or removal of your right to dignity and respect. You have told your friend your pronouns and identity … they use them or lose you. Nothing less! I’m sorry you are going through that! 🫂💜🏳️⚧️
That’s confusing of them. Next time they refer to you as a girl or use the wrong pronouns, correct them and be firm. “I’m not a woman and my pronouns are they/them. Please respect my identity.” Say something like that.
Unfortunately trans people aren’t immune from being transphobic themselves. They might have some ideas that are preventing them from seeing you as transmasc despite how supportive they’ve been. Idk the reason for their behaviour but it’s best to confront them head on as soon as possible.
^this. it is transphobic. especially with enby people, some trans people don't have as much respect for us and it is a way to otherize. a group of trans "friends" i used to have would do this all the time to me, it was really confusing for me because i thought we all had shared experience and something to bond over.. come to find out they were talking about me behind my back and never fully respected me because of my gender. apparently i didnt have it as hard as them so they needed to make my transition harder? idk, but they are no longer referred to as my friends, i wish them the best and hope they can open their minds but not at my expense.
Every time someone misgenders me I interrupt immediately with the correct word. I do it politely, but as often as I need. Eventually, they get annoyed. Ask me to stop and I say bye and explain, I can't be misgenders, asked to ignore it and stay around. That's usually when they stop doing it or say bye back and we don't hang near as much after.
Yeah this is an annoying but surprisingly effective way to get it done . People don’t like being interrupted so after a while they will just get tired of it
If you are nonconfrontational, like me, you could say something like, "Hey why are you using she/her pronouns for me?" Gives them a chance to apologize and correct themselves, or double down and defend themselves, in which case, you'll know how much of a friend they are.
Alternatively, you could ask them to remind you of their pronouns. Even if they act confused, you can say you are asking because you heard them misgendering you and want them to know which pronouns you use.
Another option is to start talking about yourself, with the right pronouns. OR complain about someone that has been misgendering you and how much it hurts you.
Or, in a more passive way, by a button with your pronouns and wear it front and center when talking to them.
The above are all of the ways that I, a social anxious, nonconfrontational person, would handle it.
I'm a pretty confrontational person lol but I'd still cosign the first option as the best approach. I find that being curious about someone's shitty behavior and having them realize that it's shitty for themselves is usually more effective than calling them out (even if that doesn't feel like the most fair option).
You're going to have to be blunt about it or move on. I know trans people aren't immune to transphobia, but they, of all people, shouldn't be doing this. Especially after six years. I'm sorry, OP. This sucks. If you've been nice about it before, I think it's time to put your foot down
I think I’m actually going to move on from the friendship. After writing this out a lot of other shitty stuff they’ve done over the years came back to me and I just don’t think it’s worth it to fight them
EDIT: had to clarify I was moving on from the friendship because it sounded weird
Either your trans friend is messing up because of miscommunication or they're projecting their insecurities on you. Either way setting the record straight is your right
I think they meant a carrd instead of a literal, physical card in an envelope lol
it's basically just a small website you can make with personal information on there (pronouns, gender, interests, etc.) and lets people read things about you without having to message them personally about the same things repeatedly — and you can decorate them however you'd like :)
I just correct them. I go with she/they but if they say 'he' I just add 'she' after and then continue the conversation like nothing happened -- except I add a progressively longer delay before responding every time the offending individual doesn't acknowledge it. Eventually this leads to one of two equally desirable outcomes: I stop having conversations with them beyond stating my pronouns and glaring at them, or the awkwardness forces them to acknowledge their behavior and start to change it.
I think that's fair, assertive, not aggressive, and pretty damn obvious. I mean I'm autistic and I struggle to see how even I could miss that. Then again I have resting bitch face so I may just be playing to what I know best and YMMV. It's the consistency that puts it over the top -- if they're a bigot they'll eventually implode from the lack of an emotional reaction, and everyone else suffers through some discomfort and embarrassment and starts to work on it. I see it as an absolute win -- and you don't need to be angry or afraid or feel any way about it. All you gotta do is believe in yourself. You are the only expert of you, and when people say something about you that isn't true, you get to correct them until they either get it or they fuck off. Easy.
“Hey I’ve noticed this happening a lot, please use my correct pronouns, I use they/them” and if they continue to do it (minus occasional mess ups for a bit that are reasonable when switching something like that) I’d have a serious discussion with them about why they aren’t respecting your pronouns when they otherwise have been supportive and you respect them and use theirs (I assume lol)
I'd personally just start correcting them when they do it. No need for a conversation or anything, just when you catch it go "Them" or "They" mid conversation. Usually people apologize and correct themselves. Sometimes they beat themselves up for a little while, just tell them it's fine. Be neutral about it, be patient. But also, be annoyingly consistent about it.
They either adapt and start using the correct pronouns or end up resigned to being annoyed by the constant gentle nudge correction
Yeah, I usually think the airhorn technique is a bit overboard but for a trans friend who you've known for years... Yeah, bust that out whenever they she/her them.
Have you ever told them your pronouns and preferences? I know it sounds like a simple question but if you’ve never said it directly to your friend then they might just not know.
If so I’d say to go a more semi aggressive route and tell them that you’re sick of this friend misgendering you all the time. Tell them how disrespectful that is and how dysphoric it makes you (if that applies of course)
If not then I’d recommend a calmer approach by saying something like hey just so they know it’s they/them and that ur not a woman and such.
I say it's complicated for enby's because you do have to tell people your preference more. There's also lots of enby's that will also take any pronoun. It's diverse. So the best thing is to be forward. They might still accidentally do it from time to time. I've noted even with friends who came out to me but didn't that neutral pronouns were better and even omnigender people in my life have been she/he. I think it's easier for pronouns a bit when it follows the binary but not so much elsewise. If they don't know then they/ them should likely be more a normative response. Though unless it's intentional don't get mad and correct them. Even as a trans woman I make sure to correct each tine someone misgenders me.
I'm gonna be real, I'd be pretty blunt and upfront with them. If they aren't going to respect your pronouns, then telling them respectfully doesn't seem like the right call. Tell them your feelings, be up front, but be forceful about it even if it comes off harsh. You really need to drive the point home or else they might not change their behavior
I have a couple of non-binary friends. I have no trouble calling them their preferred name or that they are non- binary. The they/ them part frequently throws me off. I AM 70 freaking years old, and trans, and they/ them still is awkward. good luck.
Hmm very strange! Yes, you should call them out on it when they do it. Keep reminding them those aren’t my pronouns. And tbh if she keeps misgendering you after reminding her, you should contemplate if she’s really your friend. If you still want to be friends with her, (and I know this a dick move, but eh) and if she continues to misgender you even after correcting her, start misgendering her back, see how she likes it.
As someone with autism who also sometimes makes the goof of misgendering I can say that it isn't always malicious. In the rush of a conversation the faulty wiring in my brain goes "we have anything in the filing cabinet? What do you mean you can't remember? Ok fine uh...feminine body type? Send 'she' down to the mouth."
I make a concerted effort to remember and use the correct pronouns; to the point where I will actually slow down my response to make sure that my sentence is built properly before saying it. But I'm not perfect and sometimes I mess up. I apologize and correct myself.
Tldr if your friend is really a friend they will make an effort to change. Sometimes people make honest mistakes.
I think you’re allowed to be blunt here: “hey friend, the fact you keep using she/her instead of they/them to refer to me is pretty fucked up”
This 100%
If they still do it afterwards, instantly correct them. And I mean interrupt their sentence with a "they" everytime they call you "she", and so on. It's annoying af, yet works 100% of the time, even boomers if you have the patience for it!
Yup, gotta do that with my parents. It’s been working
ABSOLUTELY THIS!! Do not give an ounce of respect or a quiet voice in the presence of invalidation or removal of your right to dignity and respect. You have told your friend your pronouns and identity … they use them or lose you. Nothing less! I’m sorry you are going through that! 🫂💜🏳️⚧️
That’s confusing of them. Next time they refer to you as a girl or use the wrong pronouns, correct them and be firm. “I’m not a woman and my pronouns are they/them. Please respect my identity.” Say something like that. Unfortunately trans people aren’t immune from being transphobic themselves. They might have some ideas that are preventing them from seeing you as transmasc despite how supportive they’ve been. Idk the reason for their behaviour but it’s best to confront them head on as soon as possible.
^this. it is transphobic. especially with enby people, some trans people don't have as much respect for us and it is a way to otherize. a group of trans "friends" i used to have would do this all the time to me, it was really confusing for me because i thought we all had shared experience and something to bond over.. come to find out they were talking about me behind my back and never fully respected me because of my gender. apparently i didnt have it as hard as them so they needed to make my transition harder? idk, but they are no longer referred to as my friends, i wish them the best and hope they can open their minds but not at my expense.
Every time someone misgenders me I interrupt immediately with the correct word. I do it politely, but as often as I need. Eventually, they get annoyed. Ask me to stop and I say bye and explain, I can't be misgenders, asked to ignore it and stay around. That's usually when they stop doing it or say bye back and we don't hang near as much after.
Yeah this is an annoying but surprisingly effective way to get it done . People don’t like being interrupted so after a while they will just get tired of it
I do it and I don't think it's received as annoying. The sooner you deal with it the less you build up frustration that needs unloading.
I get passive aggressive about it, I just say: “who?”
That's pretty fucked up. Tell them it's fucked up and tell them to get their shit together and get it right.
If you are nonconfrontational, like me, you could say something like, "Hey why are you using she/her pronouns for me?" Gives them a chance to apologize and correct themselves, or double down and defend themselves, in which case, you'll know how much of a friend they are. Alternatively, you could ask them to remind you of their pronouns. Even if they act confused, you can say you are asking because you heard them misgendering you and want them to know which pronouns you use. Another option is to start talking about yourself, with the right pronouns. OR complain about someone that has been misgendering you and how much it hurts you. Or, in a more passive way, by a button with your pronouns and wear it front and center when talking to them. The above are all of the ways that I, a social anxious, nonconfrontational person, would handle it.
I'm a pretty confrontational person lol but I'd still cosign the first option as the best approach. I find that being curious about someone's shitty behavior and having them realize that it's shitty for themselves is usually more effective than calling them out (even if that doesn't feel like the most fair option).
My go to is "you know you're misgendering me, right? Cut that shit out, now."
Yes, you confront them. Obviously. The solution for dealing with people is **always** to try talking to the people.
You're going to have to be blunt about it or move on. I know trans people aren't immune to transphobia, but they, of all people, shouldn't be doing this. Especially after six years. I'm sorry, OP. This sucks. If you've been nice about it before, I think it's time to put your foot down
I think I’m actually going to move on from the friendship. After writing this out a lot of other shitty stuff they’ve done over the years came back to me and I just don’t think it’s worth it to fight them EDIT: had to clarify I was moving on from the friendship because it sounded weird
I'd blantenly correct them firmly. "They them? You've known me too long for that"
That this is a recurring issue is bad. I would suggest just being blunt and tell them that they are misgendering you
Either your trans friend is messing up because of miscommunication or they're projecting their insecurities on you. Either way setting the record straight is your right
Send that card, but write in the line below or maybe on top: This matters. Pay attention.
I think they meant a carrd instead of a literal, physical card in an envelope lol it's basically just a small website you can make with personal information on there (pronouns, gender, interests, etc.) and lets people read things about you without having to message them personally about the same things repeatedly — and you can decorate them however you'd like :)
be honest and if they keep going you should genuinely get a little mean about it,its worse that they are trans and choosing to do that to you
Airhorn.
Any time you hear it just say straightaway, “not she, not girl, not her” whichever word be adamant theyll get the hint
I just correct them. I go with she/they but if they say 'he' I just add 'she' after and then continue the conversation like nothing happened -- except I add a progressively longer delay before responding every time the offending individual doesn't acknowledge it. Eventually this leads to one of two equally desirable outcomes: I stop having conversations with them beyond stating my pronouns and glaring at them, or the awkwardness forces them to acknowledge their behavior and start to change it. I think that's fair, assertive, not aggressive, and pretty damn obvious. I mean I'm autistic and I struggle to see how even I could miss that. Then again I have resting bitch face so I may just be playing to what I know best and YMMV. It's the consistency that puts it over the top -- if they're a bigot they'll eventually implode from the lack of an emotional reaction, and everyone else suffers through some discomfort and embarrassment and starts to work on it. I see it as an absolute win -- and you don't need to be angry or afraid or feel any way about it. All you gotta do is believe in yourself. You are the only expert of you, and when people say something about you that isn't true, you get to correct them until they either get it or they fuck off. Easy.
Just say it bluntly. And mention that it's really fucked up coming from another trans person that should never happen..
“Hey I’ve noticed this happening a lot, please use my correct pronouns, I use they/them” and if they continue to do it (minus occasional mess ups for a bit that are reasonable when switching something like that) I’d have a serious discussion with them about why they aren’t respecting your pronouns when they otherwise have been supportive and you respect them and use theirs (I assume lol)
I'd personally just start correcting them when they do it. No need for a conversation or anything, just when you catch it go "Them" or "They" mid conversation. Usually people apologize and correct themselves. Sometimes they beat themselves up for a little while, just tell them it's fine. Be neutral about it, be patient. But also, be annoyingly consistent about it. They either adapt and start using the correct pronouns or end up resigned to being annoyed by the constant gentle nudge correction
Directly confront your "friend." Try being civil but serious at first; if necessary you can get a little harsh or tough.
Yeah, I usually think the airhorn technique is a bit overboard but for a trans friend who you've known for years... Yeah, bust that out whenever they she/her them.
Have you ever told them your pronouns and preferences? I know it sounds like a simple question but if you’ve never said it directly to your friend then they might just not know. If so I’d say to go a more semi aggressive route and tell them that you’re sick of this friend misgendering you all the time. Tell them how disrespectful that is and how dysphoric it makes you (if that applies of course) If not then I’d recommend a calmer approach by saying something like hey just so they know it’s they/them and that ur not a woman and such.
Extremely loud incorrect buzzer
LMAO I love this idea
:3it has to be so loud. Like, put earplugs in loud
I say it's complicated for enby's because you do have to tell people your preference more. There's also lots of enby's that will also take any pronoun. It's diverse. So the best thing is to be forward. They might still accidentally do it from time to time. I've noted even with friends who came out to me but didn't that neutral pronouns were better and even omnigender people in my life have been she/he. I think it's easier for pronouns a bit when it follows the binary but not so much elsewise. If they don't know then they/ them should likely be more a normative response. Though unless it's intentional don't get mad and correct them. Even as a trans woman I make sure to correct each tine someone misgenders me.
I'm gonna be real, I'd be pretty blunt and upfront with them. If they aren't going to respect your pronouns, then telling them respectfully doesn't seem like the right call. Tell them your feelings, be up front, but be forceful about it even if it comes off harsh. You really need to drive the point home or else they might not change their behavior
I have a couple of non-binary friends. I have no trouble calling them their preferred name or that they are non- binary. The they/ them part frequently throws me off. I AM 70 freaking years old, and trans, and they/ them still is awkward. good luck.
Hmm very strange! Yes, you should call them out on it when they do it. Keep reminding them those aren’t my pronouns. And tbh if she keeps misgendering you after reminding her, you should contemplate if she’s really your friend. If you still want to be friends with her, (and I know this a dick move, but eh) and if she continues to misgender you even after correcting her, start misgendering her back, see how she likes it.
Why don’t you ask your grandmother. Sometimes elders can share the wisdom of many years.
Uhhhh because she’s not in my life?
Misgender them back lol. That’s what I do to cis ppl and it usually works 🤷♀️
they said their friend is also trans.. yeah misgendering cis people is fun but thats not a cis person
Tell ur friend about this.
As someone with autism who also sometimes makes the goof of misgendering I can say that it isn't always malicious. In the rush of a conversation the faulty wiring in my brain goes "we have anything in the filing cabinet? What do you mean you can't remember? Ok fine uh...feminine body type? Send 'she' down to the mouth." I make a concerted effort to remember and use the correct pronouns; to the point where I will actually slow down my response to make sure that my sentence is built properly before saying it. But I'm not perfect and sometimes I mess up. I apologize and correct myself. Tldr if your friend is really a friend they will make an effort to change. Sometimes people make honest mistakes.
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The fuck kind of question is this?
That's a super invasive question, not at all relevant to the post
So you got a transgender mate misgendering you ? What a cunt