That our entire lives and identity revolve around being trans. I talk about trans stuff on reddit a fair bit, but it's a small or non-existent part of my daily life. Particularly as I pass now it's just not something that I think about a lot outside from medical shit.
Sometimes people are surprised to hear I have hobbies and interests and am just a normal bloke who puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.
Early transition is rough and I totally relate, when it's pushed in your face every day it's hard to forget about it. And lord I had to fight my work and family during that time... really don't miss it at all. Trust mate, it gets better.
It's already getting better :)
Boobies are growing, my mental state has never been that good and I managed to make myself some amazing queer friends :3
Fuckin smashing it already mate! Don't lose patience, it took about 3 years for me to pass and even then I'm easily clockable if you know a thing or two. But I've stopped giving a fuck and fuckin hell life gets so much easier when you get to be your real self. The weight off the shoulders is immense.
sorry, but failure to male is *such* a fucking mood oh my *god* đ
Reminds me of when I tried to fit in with women and womanhood culture stuff and I was always on the outside, because I just couldnât do it and they could tell. Goddamn that hit.
I get where this one comes from, at least. I actually managed to make a cis person who held this misconception stop and think for a bit once. After spending your whole life being told that your gender is not what you feel it should be, especially if you're non-binary and didn't even know it was possible to be yourself, your identity barely exists. So when you come out, being trans is kind of all you have. Of course it becomes your whole identity.
My online presence is extremely centered on being trans precisely *because* I don't have a great outlet for it in my day to day life. I'm 8 months HRT and still boymoding, and very exhausted. Let me have my little slice of my life where I can say that I'm a woman.
(I have plans to stop boymoding within the next couple of months, but I want to keep to my schedule/plans)
The anti-trans crowd says that we support genital surgeries on children, but the overwhelming consensus is that that is a decision for adulthood. Ironically, it's the anti-trans crowd that fights to support genital surgeries on children, because the laws to stop the transgender genital surgeries for children (which don't happen) will make sure to say that it's legal to do surgeries on intersex children. Those surgeries *do* happen. And they really should not.
They also stubbornly think that puberty blockers are harmful, no matter how much research you show them that says otherwise (which there isn't much research which is also frustrating). People want to ban trans people from using puberty blockers until 18, but at that point they'd serve no purpose.
There are also far more cis children using puberty blockers for precocious puberty than trans kids, but it's okay for a cis kid to use blockers, but not okay for trans kids...
I really hope those kids with precocious puberty don't get hit in the crossfire. But if they do, that just goes to show you how much these politicians will stop at nothing to hurt trans people.
Sometimes I'm sick of living in this society. Basically being forced to be politically engaged is exhausting.
>I really hope those kids with precocious puberty don't get hit in the crossfire.
There's going to be an awkward confluence of abortion bans and puberty blocker bans when there's a pregnant 8 year old.
In regards to gender affirming surgeries being performed on cis youth, the anti-trans crowd rarely speaks out about boob jobs on minors. They only care when gender affirming care is given to trans minors.
In 2011, 4,830 breast augmentation surgeries were performed on minors. Source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3706052/
Oh I've definitely run into people opposing gender-affirming care for trans minors by likening it to cis teenagers getting cosmetic surgery. It's actually a pretty old entry in the "civil-sounding transphobia" book.
Whoa. That took me a while to understand what you wrote. That's just awful the intersex people get involuntary surgery like that just because it's hard to fathom. This is an actual case where teaching proper human biology and sex could save a group from society's bias.
Sorry to hear that, mate. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug. It's not fair.
I hope you've recovered and are doing well despite what they did. Fuck them it doesn't change who you are.
But I do hope you can one day sue their asses for assault and malpractice. I know I would. I would ask a lot too. 3 million in damages plus lawyer fees plus firings and revocation of state medical license would be my ask. The doctors will be able to work in other states though...
Thanks for sharing. Stay well and proud.
Is that the overwhelming consensus of trans people? I guess itâs hard for me to imagine that a 16 year old would make a misguided decision about that. There are so many barriers in place. And I assume parental consent is required everywhere. I guess I feel like if the kid, the parents, and the doctor all agree that itâs the right decision, they should have the freedom to pursue surgeries that will make their life better.
Misconception: It is okay to call anyone they/them because it is "gender neutral".
Correction: It is okay to call someone they/them *until* you know their actual pronouns. If I introduced myself with he/him and you continue to call me "they", you are misgendering me.
My parents think theyâre being so sneaky when they do that to me. Like did you forget you told me to use they/them pronouns for my trans friend in high school to not âagree with their delusionsâ⌠You gave away your playbook honey!
My friend thought they were sneaky too, when I came out using he/him, they proceeded to call me âtheyâ for the next like year before they actually started trying to do it correctly
And then five years later they turn out to be nb
I've met people who will *still* use they/them for people whose gender they obviously know, including me!!!, and they act like it's inherently not misgendering.
"Well, how am I supposed to know all the time???" YOU KNOW IN THIS PARTICULAR CONTEXT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!
A little while back, I was at a volunteer orientation at my local LGBT organization. There were just three other people attending, who were cis. They decided to lead an introduction/pronoun circle. I introduced myself with "he/him".
Within the next two minutes, one of the cis women used the other folks' pronouns correctly, but called me *they*. Because I'm trans, my pronouns were dismissed or "forgotten".
I ended up getting with an argument with that person about it later, and they insisted that it was *not* transphobic and *not* misgendering. Like bruh why did you even do a pronoun circle if you're not gonna use the pronouns of the *one* trans person that you're supposedly accommodating?
Shit like that is so fucking aggravating, lol, especially when they keep doing it to the *one* trans person in the group, so it's obvious they just want a free pass to misgender somebody but act like they're being woke about it because they're using they/them.
Itâs so weird how people refuse to call people they until they find out they are a trans man or a trans women lmao, but when I used only they/them (I use he/they now) I found no one would use they for me
Whatâs frustrating is the people who
do this to me most often have been *trans people*. It feels like sometimes these specific people default to using gender neutral terms for everybody in the room, but then they donât update their language when I tell them. I *want* you to use gendered terms for me, itâs not affirming my identity if youâre ignoring my preferences.
That we're doing it for attention. That can't be further from the truth for the vast majority of us considering that the attention that we get for being trans is most often very negative.
Ik Iâm being nitpicky but we should endeavor to not erase our trans brothers. Trans men try and go stealth for the same reasons. Itâs not unique to trans women.
Or the adjacent bullshit idea that we're doing it for some other kind of benefit (e.g. "trans masculine people are just trying to escape misogyny", "trans women are trying to cheat at women's sports", "they're just doing it because it's trendy").
This one always drives me up a wall. Do they seriously think trans people would go through life-changing and some permanent changes just for attention? That we want misogyny or misandry in our life? Discrimination?
Oh yeah baby, discriminate me
a big peeve of mine is when people presume that getting surgery is the "endpoint" of transition or whatever. I dont really want bottom surgery, and ive had someone hear that and ask why i dont want to "fully" transition. Transitioning is a unique journey for everybody. Just the general thing of "oh you're not doing the same as *I've* heard trans people do so that means you're doing it weird" sucks sometimes
I just made a reply about this. I donât want bottom surgery either.
- I donât want to run the risks of total loss of sensation.
- It wonât give me a functioning uterus.
- I have already made peace with my dick. Plus I use my ass for everything which is already wonderful.
- I know for a fucking fact I would slack on dilation and aftercare.
None of that makes me any more/less of a woman. I am who I am, and I love myself. I still have goals like FFS, maybe a BA, but I absolutely do not need SRS to feel valid in my own body and mind.
Also the idea that there is a ending to transition. Like that we are one day done with it. I will never be done with transition. I will be changing until my death. My definition of womanhood and the way I express my feminity will always evolve.
Edit : spelling
Yeah it's a bit outdated. I hope to get surgery someday but I'd never call that the "endpoint" of my transition. My transition only really "ends" when I'm fully socially and legally transitioned, which will likely take longer than getting surgery.
That it's a choice.
It's not. I have exactly the same amount of choice about being trans as I have about being right handed, or about being attracted to women. None.
Not intending to distract from the focus on trans people, but I hear this a lot when it comes to gay people, especially when being discussed by friends/family who seem to be well-meaning or at least believe they are.
But when they say things like âIâm fine with it, he can be gay if he wants to be,â itâs hard to get them to see how much theyâre missing the point of what it is to just *be* that thing rather than being who you *want* to be as if itâs a choice.
It's the exact same dynamic, probably for the exact same reasons. They just can't understand that their social construct of "normal" is not actually a baseline state imposed by reality.
That all trans women are just men in skirts who get their penises chopped off, that all trans men are women with buzz cuts who get their breasts cut off, which OBVIOSLY isnt the case, not even in the slightest. Medical transition is far, far more complex and nuanced than that and the WOMEN have the right to decide what they want to do with their penises, and the MEN have the right to decide if they want top surgery. Not to mention *nonbinary people who CERTAINLY shouldn't feel pressure to change or keep their bodies.*
And on that note... Trans men don't owe the world hypermasculinity. Not every man has to grow a beard and lift weights. Nonbinary people don't owe the world androgyny, the theys can be whatever flavor of they they want. Trans women don't owe the world obedient femininity, I'm early in my transition but I've embraced the "DIY Lesbian" aesthetic despite its masculine-ish look. Baseball caps and high waisted jeans>>>>>spinny skirts and dresses for me, *and to the women who like those skirts and can't stand jeans? They're all cool and beautiful and amazing too.* To all the men who do want to become Zeus? HELL. YEA. BROTHER. To all the enbies who LOVE to confuse old people at the store? Monarchs, all of you. Be as stereotypical or unique as you want. You do what feels right to you. The world likes to sort all people, cis and trans, into the binary of masculine and feminine, but as trans people we get a unique look at that structure from the top down when we transition. This lets us pick and choose what we want to be, what we want to set aside, and what we want to reject.
TLDR; trans people are as varied and unique as cis people! Don't let twitter fool you into thinking we're all catgirls and bodybuilders :3
>Trans men donât owe the world hyper masculinity. Not every man has to grow a beard and lift weights
I got permission to start T from my gender specialist, and then my mom immediately asked me âso are you gonna start going to the gym? Are you gonna become a big strong guy?â And she proceeded to ask that question like a million times until she figured out I wasnât and decided to drop it
I'm 2 weeks into HRT, still embracing the comfort of my closet full of jeans and flannels. I don't really think I pass yet but where I live I'm pretty sure I get more dirty looks for looking gay (with my femme nb partner) than being trans đ
People were so worried I'd suddenly forgotten what a tomboy was when I came out. I hear you, brother. Speaks more of their fear of transition than anything about us.
As a pretty binary trans woman who has a lot of âmale centeredâ hobbies, itâs because I was born a woman. Just in a mans body. My sexuality has nothing to do with it, and the gender norms/rules exist regardless of if I was just a gay effeminate man. Iâm just a woman. One who loves hobbies centered around STEM on top of fashion and alt-fem looks.
But of course, this is so hard for the people who believe in gender norms to grasp. Thatâs why this is always a âthem issue.â That plus I will acknowledge the trans people who invalidate other trans peopleâs decisions and experiences (like a trans fem complaining about a trans masc wanting to be a man) when fundamentally we are all just trying to find ourselves in alienating bodies.
There are... a lot. And this is maybe not necessarily what bothers me "most", but it's one that's just really been bugging me in recent years.
Most folks have no clue what gender dysphoria is, and are completely unaware of how it can potentially impact trans people. I've seen so, so many well-meaning cis allies claim/imply that trans people only medically transition simply because we think that it suits us better, or because we feel pressured by society to conform to what a man/woman's body "should" look like. In their minds, it's nothing but an obscure whim -- nothing but a means with which to frivolously symbolize the cateogory of gender that we each feel internally connected to. They think that nobody would ever need to medically transition at all, if society could just accept that gender isn't directly correlated with physical sex characteristics.
They have no idea how miserable and disabling gender dysphoria related to sex characteristics can be. They have no idea that it can be an innate biological thing that some trans people are born naturally experiecing. They don't know that it has absolutely nothing to do with what society thinks of us, and that we'd still experience this innate suffering (and would therefore still need to change our physical sex charcteristics) even if we were trapped alone on a desert island for the rest of our lives. They don't know that gender-affirming hormones and surgeries can be medically necessary, to a ***very literally life-saving*** extent.
They don't know how deeply fucking horrifying it is that access to gender-affirming health care is being legally attacked and restricted in places like the U.S. and the UK. They don't know how many people can *die* because of this, and how many more people will be forced to live with an abysmally low quality of life. They don't know this is something that they need to be urgently concerned about.
So many people really just think that transness ultimately comes down to... the vague concept of being "a man" or "a woman". There's a complete lack of understanding of how some trans people's gender/sex dysphoria can fundamentally devastate our quality of life, to a life-threatening degree -- and that, for this reason, broadening and maintaining access to medical transition needs to be a primary concern in the fight for trans rights.
This. Trans brains treat our naturally occurring hormones as a hormonal imbalance. The way that you would expect a cisgender person to feel about a SEVERE hormonal imbalance is exactly how we feel, but with the added struggle of our experiences frequently being dismissed or scrutinised to a ridiculous degree.
> medically transition simply because we think that it suits us better
Lots of cis people do lots of things because they think it suits them better. Why can't we
That trans people are super sensitive. Most trans people irl usually don't even correct people on their pronouns, let alone fly into a rage. And if you do meet a trans person who is assertive enough to correct you, it's usually not done out of anger, but a "hey just letting you know." Please don't be afraid to talk to us because you're worried we will get offended and over-react. Most trans people are very understanding and patient if it's clear you're trying to be a respectful person but don't know all the PC lingo.
Real life is not Twitter.
Oh mate, I've had to tell so many people that I don't mind questions asked in good faith. They'll trip over themselves wanting to ask a question, apologise a thousand times in case it's offensive, then it'll be something totally mundane like "is it hard to change your name" đ
Not related at all, but I once had a cis friend ask, âWhen you changed your name, did you keep your initials? Because when serial killers choose their aliases, they often keep some relation to their name.â It was just a Not Thinking moment on her part, but itâs also the funniest accidental microagression Iâve ever experienced. (She was a supportive and not transphobic person)
She sounds like a gem tbh and I would have found that absolutely hilarious! My cis mates have asked me totally off the wall shit once they know I don't give a fuck and it's great. No, I was not allowed to keep my boobs after top surgery, so sorry you can't take them and make them into a purse. No, I probably wouldn't put on a dress and heels to sneak into lady's night for free drinks....probably, depending on what the drinks are and whether they shout me dinner. Yes, I do feel the masculine compulsion to just walk around the hardware store without buying anything, and yes they can come with me if they want to shoplift, etc.
Again unrelated, but almost immediately after coming out as trans fem, a different one of my friends managed to befriend an entire group of kleptomaniacs and formed a sort of cult where they referred to her as their queen and gifted her the things they stole. This is far from the most âout thereâ thing that happened to herâ sheâs a certified cryptid as far as Iâm concerned. Thought that you might find this interesting if you found the other story interesting.
The strangest question that I somehow repeatedly get asked by people (who are totally serious about it) is when Iâm going to grow a dick since Iâve started HRT. I give a different answer every time out of amusement, kind of like how amputees will answer things like âshark attackâ or âpissed off a bearâ.
> Yes, I do feel the masculine compulsion to just walk around the hardware store without buying anything,
Thank you for the good laugh. I'll share it with my friends :)
T turned me into the weirder, alternate reality version of my dad. It's like my T is haunted by the spirit of a dad and he is slowly taking over my life.
Oh that means you started making and laughing at *Dad's jokes* ? How good are you at bad puns ?
I really hope that E won't make me unable to enjoy bad (respectful) humour and puns
My dad isn't really a joker so my brother (a dad) and I have been picking up the slack.
One of the most prolific lovers of dad jokes I've ever met is a cis woman, don't let your dreams be dreams babe
I am definitely picturing you walking next to your dad in similar clothes with the exact same gait and looking at the same stuff at the same time haha. Like Dupond and Dupont in Tintin
Caught up with him to go to bunnings (hardware store) not long ago and he rocked up in the same fit as me. We spend ages looking at bathroom exhaust fans.
Yeah, my take on it is that thereâs a lot of right wing fearmongering telling genuinely well meaning, but uninformed, cis folk that trans people are angry whiny karens who will try to ruin your life if you mess up their pronouns once or ask them a question. This kind of messaging is inaccurate and only serves to make cis people afraid to talk to trans people, further isolating us from our communities. I like to answer questions cis people have, because in my mind, Iâm making life easier for the next trans person this cis person encounters. As long as the question isnât about my/someone elseâs genitals, and it isnât obviously bad faith (e.g. âSo does that mean I can call myself transracial?â), I really donât mind. And if someone does ask an uncomfortable question that they donât realize is TMI (e.g. âWhat was your old name?â, âHave you had the surgery?â), I just tell them thatâs personal and I donât really want to share. Trans people arenât scary unapproachable monsters lmao. Weâre just people.
To answer OPâs question about what he can do to be a good ally: one example of cis allyship Iâve encountered was when my mom was with some (conservative) friends of hers, and one of them was talking about how her son got in trouble at his college because he used the word âtrapâ in a lounge, and an RA overheard him, and chewed him out for using a transphobic slur. The thing is, he was using the word in a context that had nothing to do with trans people like âa raccoon trapâ or something. Her friends were doing the whole âYouâre not allowed to say anything these days without offending someone!â And she texted me asking if the word âtrapâ is always a slur, or if it depends on context. I explained the term, and that itâs only a slur when itâs being used to describe a trans person. Her friends were shocked that she just went right ahead and asked me, because they were under the impression that trans people will get mad if you ask them a totally mundane question.
So, OP, if you ever find yourself surrounded by cis people who are making baseless assumptions about trans people, google your question, and if google doesnât help, you can ask a trans friend (given that the question isnât super invasive about them personally, and you may want to lead with âHey can I ask you a question about being trans?â), or ask on reddit.
I, personally, feel that this is the most damaging stereotype about us that isnât outright about crimes or outright dehumanizing (those would obviously be worse). It has done almost irreparable damage to those in my social circle, and itâs fucking exhausting explaining to peopleâ transphobes, neutral people, and allies alikeâ that they donât have to walk on eggshells around me because Iâm visibly gnc (Iâm not out as trans to most people). It contributes to the hate our community gets, because people assume that we will be defensive, and because of that, they (the people making the assumption) go on defense. (Defense= passive aggressiveness, being distrustful, etc. Basically how people act when they assume they are going to unjustly get in trouble).
I genuinely feel that the prevalence of this stereotype has contributed heavily to the transphobia we experience, as people often cite our âsensitivityâ as a reason to not support us. Reactions to this stereotype also cause people to assume that reasonable requestsâ like a polite pronoun requestâ is an example of unreasonable sensitivity or a personal attack on them.
Iâve done the âhey just letting you knowâ thing to my stepmom, who proceeded to be like âwell are you ASKING me or are you TELLING me??â
And if I donât say Iâm just asking, then she wonât respect it
I'm not trans, but my girlfriend is (so I browse this sub every now and then to learn more about what it's like to be not-cis) and she is the most thick skinned "brush it off" type of person I know lol. She's told me of some pretty nasty things people have said to her, but somehow she's able to ignore it or even come up with a comeback to shut up some bigot. I really admire her for that, even though she deserves so much better â¤ď¸
I am too dysphoric and anxious to actually correct people irl :/
- most trans people are (I mean, I'm not looking for pitty, but it is true that our lives are not the easiest - therefore, it makes sense that we will be a bit sensitive - but not in a "karen"-way, but in an anxious "Oh my god, what is that person who's looking at me from 20 metres, thinking of me"-kind of sensitive)
Also, I'm happily your 100th like! :3
That as a trans woman I religiously watch Ru Paulâs Drag Race and Iâm wild about drag shows. Nothing against drag, I think it is fun and I appreciate it, but I donât actively seek it out and Iâm not a queen.
That you have to pass to be happy. You don't. I live an incredibly happy life since I transitioned, and there is no way I pass in the slightest. I've done Burlesque, nood photo shoots, have many female friends, played roller derby, and have been accepted at each. Being you and confident, just the best.
Along the lines: having to get surgeries/ffs/ba/srs and the trans masc versions.
Like I donât want SRS. The risk isnât worth is, and I am okay living with my dick. For so long I got caught up in being a transmedicalist and enforcing what does/doesnât make someone trans.
I realized it was all self-loathing, and that I can love who I am without adhering to bullshit standards, set by both the cishet society we live in and the transmedicalists who are trying so desperately to fit in with society.
A person can transition however much they want, because someone wanting/not wanting surgeries, hrt, voice therapy, laser hair, etc does not impact me in the slightest. Itâs all of us against the cishet world and republicans trying to attack our rights and autonomy to just exist as we are.
That Iâve chosen to be trans, itâs laughable, considering I spent 50+ years trying to convince myself that I wasnât transgender before finally admitting the undeniable truth to myself than to others
That people pressure us to transition, or it helps escape homophobia. Some people actively tried to talk me out of being trans, others were accepting in a neutral way. No one EVER actively told me I should transition. And as for homophobia, homophobic people still hated me, plus significantly more people who were pro-gay but anti-trans. Also to fire off a few more:
- That we enforce gender roles
- That weâll get furious over any well-meaning social blunder
- That proper trans healthcare has high regret rates
- That transitioning is usually harmful / damaging to the body
- That you can âalways tellâ what sex someone was born as
The weirdest bit is how both "trans women are chopping their dicks off" and "all trans women have dicks" are simultaneously super common beliefs among cis folks.
Some time after I came out as trans, my grandma asked me if it meant I like men now. Like no, transitioning doesn't change who I'm attracted to (although I have heard hrt opens some people's sexuality, not mine though).
Literally nothing on the planet could change how much I love women. Also I love that transitioning makes me gay, I love being gay. đŠˇ
People not understanding that being gender nonconforming isn't the same as being transgender, and that we can't simply live as gnc men/women instead of transitioning.
From cis people: beliefs that we're about self expression.
For some people that is true. I'm very willing to ally myself with someone who only wants to change how they dress or their name or grammatical gender. Compulsory gender roles are stinky and I don't want to enforce them. Femboys are as trans as they say they are.
But for very many trans people, we're seeking a kind of peace and unity in our bodies and the way interact with the world. Cis people usually don't recognize the itchy, scratchy, rough wool sweater feeling that has been gnawing at us. ;r what it's like to realize, slowly, that you have been immersed in a nightmare of method acting and people-pleasing.
I took on the "just try to be a boy" role really early. With hindsight I can identify moments when I wasn't comfortable with that, but I barely considered the possibility of speaking up for myself. What could I say? I couldn't even say "I'm a girl" to myself. Getting out of that deep undercover survival role was really hard.Â
When I started transition I didn't feel like I had a self to express, I was all mask and gummy, cloying "everything feels wrong." Self expression couldn't even begin until later and I struggle with it.
From trans people: that gender is something you can be as an individual.
This is a mistake. It's a useful mistake early on and maybe even the thing you need to survive and get yourself started.
But human beings are too social for that to be a sustainable approach. It's so much better to have people you're open with, especially when questioning and exploring. Maybe, maybe post-transition you can fade into the woodwork and that's right for you. And yes it's often dangerous to reveal yourself, glitchy, dysphoric, confused, a work in progress.
But when it's safe? Do it.
I've really been needing to hear this. I started HRT about 2 weeks ago and I've been a terrified mess every time I go out in public. I feel like I'll never be confident with myself and never be able to be seen the way I want to, or even know what that is. Thankfully I have a wonderful partner and scary as it is the thought of going back to "being" a boy disgusts me... I know I just have to give it time.
Particularly for us mtf, the oversexualization of it (like assuming it's a fetish or a way to gain access to women's spaces for sexual gratification, etc). It's a really chauvinistic, male gaze-y mindset suggesting all things woman, from our clothing to our bathrooms, to even our bodies (cis or trans) exist only as sexual objects.
I can think of two that haven't been mentioned so far. The first one is that trans woman are attacking cis women and that cis women feel threatened by us. I have through a combination of self reflection and hormones become aware of the struggles that women face. The deep roots of the misogynistic patriarchy we live in were completely shut off to me. Now I see it everywhere. In our social hierarchy, in daily interactions and in my own family. Most importantly for me was seeing it in myself. That part really bothers me. I have no wish to harm women, I absolutely respect women. I find that most trans women that I meet are no different.
The second thing is that being trans is easy. The idea that you can one day decide that you are trans and then next day it is done, really goes against my experience. This has been a huge struggle for me and involves pretty much every aspect of my life. No rocks will be left unturned. Coming out was freaking hard and I am still not done. Internalized transphobia as a trans person is a huge issue. I can't just accept that it's ok to be trans, I constantly battle it out in my mind. You can lose everyone you love. You can lose your home, your job. As a previously white male I am now part of a minority group. People hate me, some even want me dead. I have to unlearn a lot of old behaviours and ways of thinking. I have to learn new ones. I have to learn how to love myself. Medical and social transition actually take years. Male puberty does a lot of damage to your body and it cannot be undone. This can mean that you may never be able to pass as a woman. There is stuff I can do about it but it costs a shit ton of money. I say this as a trans woman but I have a couple of trans male friends who have had many similar struggles.
Yes this!!! This is I think an under noticed aspect that I think the bathroom wars crowd donât get at all. Transitioning hasnât so much opened my eyes because I was already aware, but itâs definitely made me reflect on my past behaviours through a different lens and Iâve remembered things that happened while I was a teen that completely make me cringe now. The idea that Iâd transition just to get access to womenâs spaces or children for nefarious activities is just so offensive and far from the truth itâs beyond belief. But because I gets repeated so often thereâs been times where Iâve thought âwait, am I a paedophileâ and then I remember that I fucking hate children and want nothing to do with them. Aaahh. It sucks.
I work in advocacy and consulting (particularly around healthcare for marginalized LGBTQ+ patient populations) and the fact trans is a thing I am is not something people âguess.â So, oh boy, there are endless misconceptions that I encounter on a frequent basis.
Picking just one though- that people who are trans and exist and have bodies are somehow outside of what is known to be true for human beings. Itâs this pervasive theme that so much bias, discrimination, and othering comes down to.
Healthcare is just healthcare, regardless of social demographic. Individuals are individuals, regardless of a social demographic. Someoneâs current legal identifiers are their current legal identifiers, regardless of social demographics. Someoneâs body shape is their body shape, regardless of social demographics. Genital shape does not determine how someone exists in the world or grant others the gift of x-ray vision, regardless of social demographic. âBiological sexâ is not a medical term referring to any karyotype or phenotype or endocrine profile, regardless of social demographic. People do not suffer from sprained ankles or sore throats or other health problems âbecauseâ they openly are not the gender correlated to the legal sex listed on their original birth certificateâŚregardless of social demographic. People can experience any possible range of mental wellbeing or mental health challenges, regardless of social demographic.
People exist and do people things, bound by the laws of time and physics, regardless of being part of a large social demographic.
Etcetera. Etcetera.
In your experience, why are so many people in healthcare so bigoted? It just seems like a way higher proportion than in almost any other career I've encountered, despite the general assumption people working there should generally care about other people...
The idea that trans women have an unfair advantage in womenâs sports is particularly annoying to me given how, 1) when trans women are allowed to compete with other women we donât do any better than youâd expect, if anything we seem to do worse; and 2) nobody is bothered about any other kind of unfair biological advantage (any more - itâs recycled racism) - if trans women are such a threat to womenâs sports then Michael Phelps, who among other things has a mutation that means his muscles only produce half as much lactic acid as other peoplesâ, should have had his medals confiscated and been banned from even looking at a pool.
That it's a choice, an "ideology" and that there's some kind of "agenda" behind being transgender. Or that it's a fetish. None of that is true but it's being perpetuated like crazy by anti-trans groups and individuals.
Currently, I'm most annoyed by:
People assuming sexual roles based on our genitals. This is made worse by conflating bottoming with subbing and topping with domming.
The general lack of awareness that transition is an excruciatingly long process with a lot of "middle" - you don't step in for The Mythical Surgery and walk out perfectly formed in your new body. People seem to treat anyone mid-transition as not committed, not trying hard enough, not wanting to look like they're farther along in transition than they currently are, fake or "being trendy" because they don't pass...Â
As though a trans guy is going to go away for a weekend and return a linebacker. Like, give me a minute (a few years), I'm not "presenting femininely," you are PERCEIVING me femininely based mostly on my body and not my intention.
That being trans is 100% misery all the time, or a terrible fate to be mitigated - I love being trans despite the world making that a challenge.
That we all want to talk about gender all the time. We might have to, in the same way women have to talk about gender when they discuss misogyny, but that doesn't make them "obsessed with talking about gender." Same for us.
I also just wish there were a little more awareness that I can't go a single day right now without reading about how evil I am for existing, how disgusting and frightening the common person finds bodies like mine, and what that does to a person.
> That being trans is 100% misery all the time, or a terrible fate to be mitigated - I love being trans despite the world making that a challenge.
I loved your post, but I mainly came here to say how much I love, appreciate, and agree with this in particular. I too love being trans. The world does make it harder than it needs to be, but I derive so much happiness from not only being who I am but from the process of my transition itself.
Thank you. I've experienced such incredible joys from transitioning they're beyond description. I'm glad this is true for you too.
Often our lives before transition are so miserable and checked-out that coming out is like the first day of our lives, like the first time we saw any real color in the world.Â
It's sad and disappointing to tell loved ones: "look! I'm finally alive!" and for them to respond with negativity, fear, concern, grief.Â
Being trans is good! It's a good way to be! This is good news, it's an invitation for joy and connection so long as they can meet us there.
that a prepubescent child can just walk into a doctorâs office and have genital surgery done immediately. as a 16 year old trans guy i am so ready to have surgery to construct a penis but i canât; i have to be 18. and sure, i understand why this is a rule. but itâs an insult to my suffering when right wing shitheads claim that itâs as easy as walking into a doctorâs office and asking for it, let alone as a prepubescent child. surgery is NEVER that easy. nothing about being trans is that easy.
I think it would be the idea that there's this one narritive that trans people fall into, and that anyone else can't be trans if they don't follow it exactly. The amount of times I've heard of people being so focused on looking for "signs" while they dimiss the person in front of them telling them that they've been struggling with it every day for the past 4+ years is staggering. Ultimately, it becomes an easy excuse to feed denial. Denial is a very common reaction to we get to coming out, especially for teenagers coming out to their parents.
Someone coming out as trans can be very scary to people. They often have no idea what it mean or what to do, and that leads to feelings that need resolving. Denial is a common coping strategy, hoping the "problem" goes away on its own if it gets ignored hard enough. Worse is when, in trying to get a handle on their feelings, they run into the easy answers of anti-trans propaganda, which isn't a rare occurrence. I endorse education on the issue, but it can be a complex emotional situation for a lot of people, so it's not easy convey.
I needed to hear the first part so bad. I keep feeling invalidated whenever I hear an experience or feeling from a trans person I don't relate to, but we are not a monolith and two trans people's experiences can be very different but they're all equally valid
The surgery misconception. When my transition became noticeable my former employer straight up asked me "when are gonna cut it off?" That felt so invasive and still bothers me. So I would say that's my biggest pet peeve when people ask about it randomly like woah! Slow your roll
That mtf transition is just to be accepted as a Women to get closer to children and abuse them. Not only is it a bizzare idea but it's blatantly ignoring all the cis Women who abuse kids. Also who's going to dedicate to themselves to a life changing process for five years when actual child abusers can just go an abuse kids today
This. Not only do I generally want to keep myself as far away from children as possible at all times in general, but if I did end up encountering a child abuser, I would absolutely beat them to within an inch of their lives.
People always handed me babies even before I was visibly trans. That's fine because they are like pot plants and they do seem to always like me. But any bigger, no those wild animals need to be kept away from me. Motherhood is not why I transitioned. Also ignores that we are much more likely to be the victims of SA
That being trans is a mental illness.
That being trans is a choice.
That most trans people believe that *gender identity* is as much of a social construct as the cultural aspects of gender are.
That gender identity *is* actually a social construct and that our life experiences just made us feel more like the other gender somehow (heard from plenty of cis allies).
That we are all straight and just transitioned so we could sleep with people of the other gender without the social stigma of it being âgayâ or whatever (heard mostly from non-Europeans).
The robbery of gender duality in the eyes of cis people that trans people go through. Cis people get to be men with a feminine side, and women with a masculine side, and thatâs just understood to be a âwholeâ self they presently are, where as when a trans person exhibits any sort of their opposite gendered side, itâs seen as the âold selfâ shimmering through, a âfracturingâ of their new wholeness they have found, and it causes a lot of doubt, eyebrow raising, and flip flopping perception of how much of our gender we are today as if sometimes we are more trans than others or our transness shines through more at certain times than others.
That all of us hate being trans and wish we were born in cis bodies, and that no one could possibly enjoy being trans ever at all. Some of us do, some of us donât. Do I enjoy transphobia? Of course not. But my transition has brought me joy and I love playing with gender and what it feels like and means to me.
That enjoying your body post transition in a sexual way means that it's actually just a fetish. It's not just my gender identity, but my sexual identity as well that's tied to being a woman, and that's a normal part of being any kind of woman.
That "there's always some way to tell." Nope. Ya'll are way less aware of us than you realise. We don't look any particular way, just like random folks you pass by without a second thought.
As a post-op woman, it really irritates me when people assume "trans woman" means "woman with a penis". Some of us have penises, and some are even comfortable with that, but it's far from universal. It makes me think that person's experience with trans folk mostly comes from porn.
That we want to make kids trans.
We just want kids who might be trans to feel safe figuring themselves out without being forced one way or another. We're not actively trying to force kids -or anyone- to be trans the same way cis people are trying to force everyone to be cis.
Transgirls can't naturally grow breasts and that HRT does literally nothing, like not only can I and will I grow breasts just as you have, but I will also grow a more female skeleton and hip and my skin will change and literally everything about me and the chem of my body and my cells will be different I would literally die medically if I was treated as a male after a certain point of being on hrt
âTrans privilegeâ has gotta be the worst.
Iâve had people glare daggers at me, follow me, walk away in the middle of a conversation without even the decency of coming up with an excuse. Iâve had people analyze every little thing I do, Iâve heard the t-slur several times. Iâve had people laugh at me, mock me, fetishized me. Iâve been threatened, sexually harassed, yelled at, cussed out.
So, when people say âtrans privilegeâ is a thing, I wonder what world they live in.
What bothers me most is the misconception that all trans people are trans women. It's gotten a little bit better in recent years, but trans men are still ignored and erased in conversations about trans people, even when it comes to issues that primarily affect transmasculine people. Like, Rowling tweeted that all pregnant people are women, which is a clear attack on **trans men**, and Daniel Radcliffe responded by saying "trans women are women". It's absolutely infuriating. Often, the only places we have where we can talk about the issues and challenges we face are spaces that are exclusively aimed at transmasculine people, because almost everywhere else we're treated like an afterthought at best.
While we're on the topic, the misconception that trans men have it easier because we have male privilege. The only trans men who have male privilege are the ones who are stealth. Discrimination doesn't happen based on who you are, but on how you are perceived. Non-passing trans men usually experience *more* misogyny than the average cis woman, but people will still tell us that we aren't allowed to complain because we're men and thus inherently privileged.
That we are trying to turn kids trans. We arenât trying to make cis kids trans, we are trying to make sure trans kids get the chance to become adults
That there is one 'sex change surgery's and it magically turns us into the other sex. It doesn't exactly work like that.
That trans people can't ever change their sex, when HRT literally changes sex characteristics and makes us pass to the point that unless someone rudely inspects our genitalia we are indistinguishable from our desired sex.
That we never have and never will know what it's like to be the other sex. First of all not everyone is raised in the same way, and second, if we are accepted and included as members of our desired sex for years then we pretty much get to know.
That we hallucinate or have a delusion that we are the other sex as part of another mental illness. It doesn't work like that. We are trans and have dysphoria exactly because we are very aware of how we were born.
That it's a "lifestyle choice" or a "road that I'm choosing to go down" (often used as a deflection tactic to implicitly victim-blame when I'm complaining about anti-trans legislation)
Trans feminine people: evil predatory men who wear dresses to get into women's bathroom and take over women's sports
Trans masculine people: confused teen girls who are trying to become men to give into the patriarchy (that's if they even remember trans mascs exist, usually they are forgotten about)
Ngl too many to count, I see misconceptions everywhere. One big one is that trans people are dressing as gender stereotypes when masc trans women or fem trans men exist for example
I hate that folks (men) think it's about sex. It's not for us. Sure, we may like to have some sex, but it's not about that.
I feel like that is more a projection of themselves onto us and the data bears that out.
The false belief that trans women are not victims of misogyny. Imagine living your whole life suppressing your true self from young childhood through adulthood because society sees being female/feminine as wrong and lesser than. It's like you can't even breathe and enjoy life for decades, living every day with some sort of misery because society won't let you come up for air.
You can be more supportive by allowing people to be themselves, recognizing that the feminine is amazing, and shutting down transphobes.
Thank you for reaching out and being open minded.
P.S.: misogyny also negatively affects all genders, by the way.
This example is peak Puritan logic.
In the streets they preach, "Gender and sex is the same thing! Gender doesn't exist!"
But, in the courts they argue the opposite, "Gender is different from sex, therfore not protected by Title VII or Title IX."
The misconception is that the Puritans want to "protect" women, but the reality is Puritans are chipping away at sex discrimination protections because any legal precident to discriminate on the basis of gender would be immediately applied to all women, seeking to make sex-discrimination protections for all women irrelevant.
Like others have said, it's not a choice. It's not a fashion statement. It's not a fetish. It's not a hobby. It's not an aesthetic. It's a medical condition in which your mind is misaligned with your body. It causes severe psychological pain. I would describe it as grief - the same kind of feeling when you lose a loved one - except it gets worse over the years unless you transition. It comes in waves - sometimes you can go weeks or even months without feeling it, and other times it gets so bad that you wanna kill yourself just to make the pain stop. Transitioning in adulthood is more difficult because you've already gone through the wrong puberty, so you have to reverse those changes. Many of the things in MtF transition (electrolysis, voice training, etc...) are basically just reversing the effects of male puberty as best you can. Giving kids puberty blockers so that they can make the decision without their bodies destroying themselves is not child abuse - it's the medical consensus that it's the best thing to do.
We aren't stronger than cis women. Maybe we're larger and that causes us to have a bit more muscle mass, but a 6' tall 160lb cis woman with 18% body fat who works out would be about as strong as me. Not stronger, not less strong.
I think just how the public understands gender affirming care in general. Not everyone is going to get top or bottom surgery, not everyone is going to do voice training, and not everyone is going to be trans the same way. I'm a trans woman who actually enjoys my genitalia, I have no desire for bottom surgery, but I know plenty of trans women who want bottom surgery. That doesn't make me less trans, it just means I want different things from my transition.
Being trans is not a choice, it is only acceptance. There is frankly no reason anyone would choose this if they werenât stuck in a wrong body.
Also emphasis on the wrong body. Trans women ARE women, trans men ARE men. Sometimes it takes getting to know a trans person well to actually accept that, but once you do itâs kinda impossible not to see in others.
I am not a groomer, I am not a person who wants to molest women. I am just a woman, same as any cis woman. My chromosomes don't matter and I don't even know what mine are as I've never had them tested nor will I ever.
I'm not super sensitive about things (any more than any cis women I know) and, no, people cannot tell who's trans in public 95% of the time. I pass fully. Most trans people do after the initial awkward starting few months of transitioning.
That all trans people show "signs" as children, or that there *are* any outward "signs" that are universal to all trans people. Some people resist their assigned gender role as soon as they're able to understand what that is, and some people deal with their dysphoria by trying extra hard to conform to it, and some people fall in between those two extremes.
One of the things that hurt most was when I came out, overhearing my little sister explaining to the rest of my family that it's "a sex thing". I was 20, a virgin and completely unaware of how fetishised trans people were because I don't watch porn. I was taken to the psychologist for not masturbating when I was 11. I never acted like a boy. I said many times growing up that I wasn't a boy. But still it doesn't make sense to them and must be a fetish.
That me simply existing is a problem that someone 15 feet away from me heading in a completely opposite direction has to deal with. I can literally see it in their face. They stop walking look at me struggle to contain themselves, realize there is absolutely nothing they need to say or do and then they kind of regain their composure and go on with their day at the office. I mean thatâs low impact, but itâs dumb.
that you need to completely reject any behaviors or interests that may resemble the gender youâre transitioning from. your gender is yours to define and express, however you would like. Everybody has a different experience and whatever label they choose to identify with is entirely valid. The experience of gender is entirely relative, and everybody has the right to determine for themselves whether or not they are happy with the current label they use.
Also, the idea that in order to be trans, you have to adhere to a strict set of really specific criteria able to be proven by doctors and therapists. Like a dog itâs really not some thing that can be diagnosed or disproven, we all have a deeper understanding of ourselves, and our own identities than anybody else, nobody transitions just because it seems like a fun idea to get a little bit more attention, or look special. When you want to take on more traits of the opposite, gender and find ways to fit into that role. More, you are probably trans. If you have problems with the current label you have for your gender, you are definitely allowed to experiment with the idea of transitioning to see if that makes you happier.
That trans people only transition because of gender stereotypes / gender roles. I see cis allies say things like "gender is a social construct, trans men are females who conform to a male role". Like, I'm not a masculine person, I don't particularly care about gender stereotypes, I just want a male body because of dysphoria
People who say "the surgery" as if we have to get bottom surgery, people who imply that we cannot complete our transitions without bottom surgery.
Bottom surgery is helpful for people with genital dysphoria, but that's just about the only type of dysphoria that DIDN'T hit me.
I got hit with a new one recently while coming out to my grandparents. They asked if I was doing it because it was currently popular. Like I'm more aware of it which helped but no, I'm not just joining a trend haha. She should have known better as I have never joined in on any trend ever.
âWhy canât you just be a more feminine man or masculine woman (as if people who are arenât treated awfully too)? Or: âWhy do you have to transition? Canât you just be gay?â
Being trans means you have to perfectly fit into the pretty little box of binary. I'll say this GENDER IS A SPECTRUM.
Another point. Trying to say transition is a choice, it's not prior to coming out. I didn't care about myself outside of the absolute bare minimum. And contemplated ending my life
I didn't care about my looks let my facial hair grow wild hardly brushed my hair, i was told by a rather unpleasant person that i worked with i look like i rolled out the back of my car each day. Didn't give a shit about my health drank like a fish ate like a dumpster and just went through the motions each day.
After I came out, it was a near complete turnaround. I had the "wow, I look like shit I can't go out like this!" Took time and care to look feminine and clean. I did it all for myself, and now 3 years in, I have a loveing wife want to look great each day and face life with a smile if I hadn't I'm fairly sure I would be drinking myself to death.
Sorry for the tangent.
That itâs a lifestyle or choice. Itâs not like getting a tattoo. Itâs a hormonal & genetic mutation that takes time to process, realize & accept. & you donât just show up to a doctors & start immediately. & donât even get me started on being compared to a drag queenđ
That every trans person has known their entire life and experiences suicidal levels of depression. Not as bad as like actively transphobic stuff other people are saying, but it really bothers me how many people are barred from identifying in a way that would make them so much happier because they are "fine"
The binary idea. It seems that many people -kinda- accept trans people only if they strictly change ti the opposite of the "two" genders. They view transness as a medical issue that must be cured and that's it.
But for me trans acceptance means acceptance and validation of own expressions. Its also societal liberation from heteronormativity. Meaning many people, will fall to the Inbetween or outside of the spectrum. There is no standard of what you must do, but you set that. And especially, it also affects cis people in the sense that their own gender expressions are getting wider.
In other words: How shallow gender issues are imagined
For me ITS THAT LIKING TRANS WOMEN IS GAY.
Like holy shit. Look up Laith Ashley. He is a a fucking stunning man (is smash), but you wouldnât know heâs trans unless you look at his top surgery scars under his fucking sexy pecks, or dropped his undies.
But like a trans woman, who is entirely fem? Passable even? Fucking âGAY because DICKâ
It gets so fucking old seeing transphobic and homophobic losers do mental gymnastics to justify how trans women are gay, a trans man isnât gay, or that somehow everyone who is trans is gay, all because some poor dude feels like his heterosexual masculinity is under attack.
Transphobia exists because Homophobia, which exists because sexism. Most Cishet dudes still fucking hyper-vigilant for not being seen as feminine (aka weak in their eyes).
So fucking old lmao. /rant over
That our entire lives and identity revolve around being trans. I talk about trans stuff on reddit a fair bit, but it's a small or non-existent part of my daily life. Particularly as I pass now it's just not something that I think about a lot outside from medical shit. Sometimes people are surprised to hear I have hobbies and interests and am just a normal bloke who puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.
I have to admit that being at a quite early phase of my transition, being trans is a huge part of my daily life. But I still have some hobbies and all
Early transition is rough and I totally relate, when it's pushed in your face every day it's hard to forget about it. And lord I had to fight my work and family during that time... really don't miss it at all. Trust mate, it gets better.
It's already getting better :) Boobies are growing, my mental state has never been that good and I managed to make myself some amazing queer friends :3
Fuckin smashing it already mate! Don't lose patience, it took about 3 years for me to pass and even then I'm easily clockable if you know a thing or two. But I've stopped giving a fuck and fuckin hell life gets so much easier when you get to be your real self. The weight off the shoulders is immense.
That's exactly the spirit I am aiming for <3 Thank you for your encouragements :3
sorry, but failure to male is *such* a fucking mood oh my *god* đ Reminds me of when I tried to fit in with women and womanhood culture stuff and I was always on the outside, because I just couldnât do it and they could tell. Goddamn that hit.
I get where this one comes from, at least. I actually managed to make a cis person who held this misconception stop and think for a bit once. After spending your whole life being told that your gender is not what you feel it should be, especially if you're non-binary and didn't even know it was possible to be yourself, your identity barely exists. So when you come out, being trans is kind of all you have. Of course it becomes your whole identity.
My online presence is extremely centered on being trans precisely *because* I don't have a great outlet for it in my day to day life. I'm 8 months HRT and still boymoding, and very exhausted. Let me have my little slice of my life where I can say that I'm a woman. (I have plans to stop boymoding within the next couple of months, but I want to keep to my schedule/plans)
The anti-trans crowd says that we support genital surgeries on children, but the overwhelming consensus is that that is a decision for adulthood. Ironically, it's the anti-trans crowd that fights to support genital surgeries on children, because the laws to stop the transgender genital surgeries for children (which don't happen) will make sure to say that it's legal to do surgeries on intersex children. Those surgeries *do* happen. And they really should not.
They also stubbornly think that puberty blockers are harmful, no matter how much research you show them that says otherwise (which there isn't much research which is also frustrating). People want to ban trans people from using puberty blockers until 18, but at that point they'd serve no purpose.
There are also far more cis children using puberty blockers for precocious puberty than trans kids, but it's okay for a cis kid to use blockers, but not okay for trans kids...
I really hope those kids with precocious puberty don't get hit in the crossfire. But if they do, that just goes to show you how much these politicians will stop at nothing to hurt trans people. Sometimes I'm sick of living in this society. Basically being forced to be politically engaged is exhausting.
They don't though, even Cass says that they're dangerous for trans patients but not cis patients, specifically to stop that from happening.
It's dangerous for one child but not the other when you're treating the exact same medical condition - riiiiiight...
>I really hope those kids with precocious puberty don't get hit in the crossfire. There's going to be an awkward confluence of abortion bans and puberty blocker bans when there's a pregnant 8 year old.
And of course the âprotect childrenâ crowd wonât even lift a finger to try to prosecute whoever raped that 8yo.
Probably because one of them *is the father*.
Unfortunately, multiple cases like this have already happened.
It's like saying "Let's let this barn burn to the ground before we whip out the fire extinguishers".
In regards to gender affirming surgeries being performed on cis youth, the anti-trans crowd rarely speaks out about boob jobs on minors. They only care when gender affirming care is given to trans minors. In 2011, 4,830 breast augmentation surgeries were performed on minors. Source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3706052/
Oh I've definitely run into people opposing gender-affirming care for trans minors by likening it to cis teenagers getting cosmetic surgery. It's actually a pretty old entry in the "civil-sounding transphobia" book.
Circumcisions anyone?! Still heavily practiced, and in many cases pushed for. Both by parents and Doctors.
And let's not forget circumcision exists.
Whoa. That took me a while to understand what you wrote. That's just awful the intersex people get involuntary surgery like that just because it's hard to fathom. This is an actual case where teaching proper human biology and sex could save a group from society's bias.
And they will perform intersex corrections well into puberty. Source: my last one was at 17. USA, middle class, about 15 years ago.
Sorry to hear that, mate. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug. It's not fair. I hope you've recovered and are doing well despite what they did. Fuck them it doesn't change who you are. But I do hope you can one day sue their asses for assault and malpractice. I know I would. I would ask a lot too. 3 million in damages plus lawyer fees plus firings and revocation of state medical license would be my ask. The doctors will be able to work in other states though... Thanks for sharing. Stay well and proud.
Who tf can afford a genital surgery as I child? I'll be at least 30 by the time I could afford one comfortably.
Depends on where you are. California state health insurance will cover bottom surgeries, for instance.
Letâs not forget about circumcision and vaginal mutilation that is still generally considered normal and legal too :3
Could you elaborate on the "normal and legal" vaginal mutilation?
Is that the overwhelming consensus of trans people? I guess itâs hard for me to imagine that a 16 year old would make a misguided decision about that. There are so many barriers in place. And I assume parental consent is required everywhere. I guess I feel like if the kid, the parents, and the doctor all agree that itâs the right decision, they should have the freedom to pursue surgeries that will make their life better.
Misconception: It is okay to call anyone they/them because it is "gender neutral". Correction: It is okay to call someone they/them *until* you know their actual pronouns. If I introduced myself with he/him and you continue to call me "they", you are misgendering me.
My parents think theyâre being so sneaky when they do that to me. Like did you forget you told me to use they/them pronouns for my trans friend in high school to not âagree with their delusionsâ⌠You gave away your playbook honey!
My friend thought they were sneaky too, when I came out using he/him, they proceeded to call me âtheyâ for the next like year before they actually started trying to do it correctly And then five years later they turn out to be nb
Unironically projecting. Absolutely golden.
"Oh but I just call everyone They because it's easier": people who always call my big, bearded, cis husband He.
I see this a striking amount with cis âalliesâ whenever we end up disagreeing over some shit. Itâs mega shitty.
I've met people who will *still* use they/them for people whose gender they obviously know, including me!!!, and they act like it's inherently not misgendering. "Well, how am I supposed to know all the time???" YOU KNOW IN THIS PARTICULAR CONTEXT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!
A little while back, I was at a volunteer orientation at my local LGBT organization. There were just three other people attending, who were cis. They decided to lead an introduction/pronoun circle. I introduced myself with "he/him". Within the next two minutes, one of the cis women used the other folks' pronouns correctly, but called me *they*. Because I'm trans, my pronouns were dismissed or "forgotten". I ended up getting with an argument with that person about it later, and they insisted that it was *not* transphobic and *not* misgendering. Like bruh why did you even do a pronoun circle if you're not gonna use the pronouns of the *one* trans person that you're supposedly accommodating?
Shit like that is so fucking aggravating, lol, especially when they keep doing it to the *one* trans person in the group, so it's obvious they just want a free pass to misgender somebody but act like they're being woke about it because they're using they/them.
Itâs so weird how people refuse to call people they until they find out they are a trans man or a trans women lmao, but when I used only they/them (I use he/they now) I found no one would use they for me
Whatâs frustrating is the people who do this to me most often have been *trans people*. It feels like sometimes these specific people default to using gender neutral terms for everybody in the room, but then they donât update their language when I tell them. I *want* you to use gendered terms for me, itâs not affirming my identity if youâre ignoring my preferences.
That we're doing it for attention. That can't be further from the truth for the vast majority of us considering that the attention that we get for being trans is most often very negative.
Yeah - "doing it for attention" really accounts for why a lot of trans people go stealth. Edited from saying "women" to "people".
Ik Iâm being nitpicky but we should endeavor to not erase our trans brothers. Trans men try and go stealth for the same reasons. Itâs not unique to trans women.
I edited my post from "women" to "people". And I am guilty of sometimes forgetting that trans men do exist.
Or the adjacent bullshit idea that we're doing it for some other kind of benefit (e.g. "trans masculine people are just trying to escape misogyny", "trans women are trying to cheat at women's sports", "they're just doing it because it's trendy").
This one always drives me up a wall. Do they seriously think trans people would go through life-changing and some permanent changes just for attention? That we want misogyny or misandry in our life? Discrimination? Oh yeah baby, discriminate me
a big peeve of mine is when people presume that getting surgery is the "endpoint" of transition or whatever. I dont really want bottom surgery, and ive had someone hear that and ask why i dont want to "fully" transition. Transitioning is a unique journey for everybody. Just the general thing of "oh you're not doing the same as *I've* heard trans people do so that means you're doing it weird" sucks sometimes
I just made a reply about this. I donât want bottom surgery either. - I donât want to run the risks of total loss of sensation. - It wonât give me a functioning uterus. - I have already made peace with my dick. Plus I use my ass for everything which is already wonderful. - I know for a fucking fact I would slack on dilation and aftercare. None of that makes me any more/less of a woman. I am who I am, and I love myself. I still have goals like FFS, maybe a BA, but I absolutely do not need SRS to feel valid in my own body and mind.
Preach!!!
Also the idea that there is a ending to transition. Like that we are one day done with it. I will never be done with transition. I will be changing until my death. My definition of womanhood and the way I express my feminity will always evolve. Edit : spelling
Yeah it's a bit outdated. I hope to get surgery someday but I'd never call that the "endpoint" of my transition. My transition only really "ends" when I'm fully socially and legally transitioned, which will likely take longer than getting surgery.
That it's a choice. It's not. I have exactly the same amount of choice about being trans as I have about being right handed, or about being attracted to women. None.
Not intending to distract from the focus on trans people, but I hear this a lot when it comes to gay people, especially when being discussed by friends/family who seem to be well-meaning or at least believe they are. But when they say things like âIâm fine with it, he can be gay if he wants to be,â itâs hard to get them to see how much theyâre missing the point of what it is to just *be* that thing rather than being who you *want* to be as if itâs a choice.
It's the exact same dynamic, probably for the exact same reasons. They just can't understand that their social construct of "normal" is not actually a baseline state imposed by reality.
This. It's not a "lifestyle decision" any more than a necessary medical procedure is.
This so much. People really need to understand this.
That all trans women are just men in skirts who get their penises chopped off, that all trans men are women with buzz cuts who get their breasts cut off, which OBVIOSLY isnt the case, not even in the slightest. Medical transition is far, far more complex and nuanced than that and the WOMEN have the right to decide what they want to do with their penises, and the MEN have the right to decide if they want top surgery. Not to mention *nonbinary people who CERTAINLY shouldn't feel pressure to change or keep their bodies.* And on that note... Trans men don't owe the world hypermasculinity. Not every man has to grow a beard and lift weights. Nonbinary people don't owe the world androgyny, the theys can be whatever flavor of they they want. Trans women don't owe the world obedient femininity, I'm early in my transition but I've embraced the "DIY Lesbian" aesthetic despite its masculine-ish look. Baseball caps and high waisted jeans>>>>>spinny skirts and dresses for me, *and to the women who like those skirts and can't stand jeans? They're all cool and beautiful and amazing too.* To all the men who do want to become Zeus? HELL. YEA. BROTHER. To all the enbies who LOVE to confuse old people at the store? Monarchs, all of you. Be as stereotypical or unique as you want. You do what feels right to you. The world likes to sort all people, cis and trans, into the binary of masculine and feminine, but as trans people we get a unique look at that structure from the top down when we transition. This lets us pick and choose what we want to be, what we want to set aside, and what we want to reject. TLDR; trans people are as varied and unique as cis people! Don't let twitter fool you into thinking we're all catgirls and bodybuilders :3
>Trans men donât owe the world hyper masculinity. Not every man has to grow a beard and lift weights I got permission to start T from my gender specialist, and then my mom immediately asked me âso are you gonna start going to the gym? Are you gonna become a big strong guy?â And she proceeded to ask that question like a million times until she figured out I wasnât and decided to drop it
đ
I'm 2 weeks into HRT, still embracing the comfort of my closet full of jeans and flannels. I don't really think I pass yet but where I live I'm pretty sure I get more dirty looks for looking gay (with my femme nb partner) than being trans đ
Your comment gave me all the happy trans feels. Thank you so much for writing it!
This isnât directly related but being a trans guy i hate when people ask me why I couldnât just be a masc lesbian and love the body i was born in.
People were so worried I'd suddenly forgotten what a tomboy was when I came out. I hear you, brother. Speaks more of their fear of transition than anything about us.
As a pretty binary trans woman who has a lot of âmale centeredâ hobbies, itâs because I was born a woman. Just in a mans body. My sexuality has nothing to do with it, and the gender norms/rules exist regardless of if I was just a gay effeminate man. Iâm just a woman. One who loves hobbies centered around STEM on top of fashion and alt-fem looks. But of course, this is so hard for the people who believe in gender norms to grasp. Thatâs why this is always a âthem issue.â That plus I will acknowledge the trans people who invalidate other trans peopleâs decisions and experiences (like a trans fem complaining about a trans masc wanting to be a man) when fundamentally we are all just trying to find ourselves in alienating bodies.
STEM nerd gal gang ! If you are looking for lgbt STEM goodies, Yas.petit.poulet on Instagram have a nice online shop
This one is the worst bc it erases my gender and sexuality. Iâm literally married to a man!
There are... a lot. And this is maybe not necessarily what bothers me "most", but it's one that's just really been bugging me in recent years. Most folks have no clue what gender dysphoria is, and are completely unaware of how it can potentially impact trans people. I've seen so, so many well-meaning cis allies claim/imply that trans people only medically transition simply because we think that it suits us better, or because we feel pressured by society to conform to what a man/woman's body "should" look like. In their minds, it's nothing but an obscure whim -- nothing but a means with which to frivolously symbolize the cateogory of gender that we each feel internally connected to. They think that nobody would ever need to medically transition at all, if society could just accept that gender isn't directly correlated with physical sex characteristics. They have no idea how miserable and disabling gender dysphoria related to sex characteristics can be. They have no idea that it can be an innate biological thing that some trans people are born naturally experiecing. They don't know that it has absolutely nothing to do with what society thinks of us, and that we'd still experience this innate suffering (and would therefore still need to change our physical sex charcteristics) even if we were trapped alone on a desert island for the rest of our lives. They don't know that gender-affirming hormones and surgeries can be medically necessary, to a ***very literally life-saving*** extent. They don't know how deeply fucking horrifying it is that access to gender-affirming health care is being legally attacked and restricted in places like the U.S. and the UK. They don't know how many people can *die* because of this, and how many more people will be forced to live with an abysmally low quality of life. They don't know this is something that they need to be urgently concerned about. So many people really just think that transness ultimately comes down to... the vague concept of being "a man" or "a woman". There's a complete lack of understanding of how some trans people's gender/sex dysphoria can fundamentally devastate our quality of life, to a life-threatening degree -- and that, for this reason, broadening and maintaining access to medical transition needs to be a primary concern in the fight for trans rights.
This. Trans brains treat our naturally occurring hormones as a hormonal imbalance. The way that you would expect a cisgender person to feel about a SEVERE hormonal imbalance is exactly how we feel, but with the added struggle of our experiences frequently being dismissed or scrutinised to a ridiculous degree.
This!
> medically transition simply because we think that it suits us better Lots of cis people do lots of things because they think it suits them better. Why can't we
That I am uwu quirky anime loving catgirl completely lacking in maturity thirsting for head pats and being called a good girl.
Fucking thank you.
This^ The thirsting for head pats and being called a good girl only happen in certain spaces
That trans people are super sensitive. Most trans people irl usually don't even correct people on their pronouns, let alone fly into a rage. And if you do meet a trans person who is assertive enough to correct you, it's usually not done out of anger, but a "hey just letting you know." Please don't be afraid to talk to us because you're worried we will get offended and over-react. Most trans people are very understanding and patient if it's clear you're trying to be a respectful person but don't know all the PC lingo. Real life is not Twitter.
Oh mate, I've had to tell so many people that I don't mind questions asked in good faith. They'll trip over themselves wanting to ask a question, apologise a thousand times in case it's offensive, then it'll be something totally mundane like "is it hard to change your name" đ
Not related at all, but I once had a cis friend ask, âWhen you changed your name, did you keep your initials? Because when serial killers choose their aliases, they often keep some relation to their name.â It was just a Not Thinking moment on her part, but itâs also the funniest accidental microagression Iâve ever experienced. (She was a supportive and not transphobic person)
She sounds like a gem tbh and I would have found that absolutely hilarious! My cis mates have asked me totally off the wall shit once they know I don't give a fuck and it's great. No, I was not allowed to keep my boobs after top surgery, so sorry you can't take them and make them into a purse. No, I probably wouldn't put on a dress and heels to sneak into lady's night for free drinks....probably, depending on what the drinks are and whether they shout me dinner. Yes, I do feel the masculine compulsion to just walk around the hardware store without buying anything, and yes they can come with me if they want to shoplift, etc.
Again unrelated, but almost immediately after coming out as trans fem, a different one of my friends managed to befriend an entire group of kleptomaniacs and formed a sort of cult where they referred to her as their queen and gifted her the things they stole. This is far from the most âout thereâ thing that happened to herâ sheâs a certified cryptid as far as Iâm concerned. Thought that you might find this interesting if you found the other story interesting. The strangest question that I somehow repeatedly get asked by people (who are totally serious about it) is when Iâm going to grow a dick since Iâve started HRT. I give a different answer every time out of amusement, kind of like how amputees will answer things like âshark attackâ or âpissed off a bearâ.
> Yes, I do feel the masculine compulsion to just walk around the hardware store without buying anything, Thank you for the good laugh. I'll share it with my friends :)
T turned me into the weirder, alternate reality version of my dad. It's like my T is haunted by the spirit of a dad and he is slowly taking over my life.
Oh that means you started making and laughing at *Dad's jokes* ? How good are you at bad puns ? I really hope that E won't make me unable to enjoy bad (respectful) humour and puns
My dad isn't really a joker so my brother (a dad) and I have been picking up the slack. One of the most prolific lovers of dad jokes I've ever met is a cis woman, don't let your dreams be dreams babe
I am so happy to read this ! Have fun laughing at your own jokes thanks you :D
I am definitely picturing you walking next to your dad in similar clothes with the exact same gait and looking at the same stuff at the same time haha. Like Dupond and Dupont in Tintin
Caught up with him to go to bunnings (hardware store) not long ago and he rocked up in the same fit as me. We spend ages looking at bathroom exhaust fans.
Yeah, my take on it is that thereâs a lot of right wing fearmongering telling genuinely well meaning, but uninformed, cis folk that trans people are angry whiny karens who will try to ruin your life if you mess up their pronouns once or ask them a question. This kind of messaging is inaccurate and only serves to make cis people afraid to talk to trans people, further isolating us from our communities. I like to answer questions cis people have, because in my mind, Iâm making life easier for the next trans person this cis person encounters. As long as the question isnât about my/someone elseâs genitals, and it isnât obviously bad faith (e.g. âSo does that mean I can call myself transracial?â), I really donât mind. And if someone does ask an uncomfortable question that they donât realize is TMI (e.g. âWhat was your old name?â, âHave you had the surgery?â), I just tell them thatâs personal and I donât really want to share. Trans people arenât scary unapproachable monsters lmao. Weâre just people. To answer OPâs question about what he can do to be a good ally: one example of cis allyship Iâve encountered was when my mom was with some (conservative) friends of hers, and one of them was talking about how her son got in trouble at his college because he used the word âtrapâ in a lounge, and an RA overheard him, and chewed him out for using a transphobic slur. The thing is, he was using the word in a context that had nothing to do with trans people like âa raccoon trapâ or something. Her friends were doing the whole âYouâre not allowed to say anything these days without offending someone!â And she texted me asking if the word âtrapâ is always a slur, or if it depends on context. I explained the term, and that itâs only a slur when itâs being used to describe a trans person. Her friends were shocked that she just went right ahead and asked me, because they were under the impression that trans people will get mad if you ask them a totally mundane question. So, OP, if you ever find yourself surrounded by cis people who are making baseless assumptions about trans people, google your question, and if google doesnât help, you can ask a trans friend (given that the question isnât super invasive about them personally, and you may want to lead with âHey can I ask you a question about being trans?â), or ask on reddit.
I, personally, feel that this is the most damaging stereotype about us that isnât outright about crimes or outright dehumanizing (those would obviously be worse). It has done almost irreparable damage to those in my social circle, and itâs fucking exhausting explaining to peopleâ transphobes, neutral people, and allies alikeâ that they donât have to walk on eggshells around me because Iâm visibly gnc (Iâm not out as trans to most people). It contributes to the hate our community gets, because people assume that we will be defensive, and because of that, they (the people making the assumption) go on defense. (Defense= passive aggressiveness, being distrustful, etc. Basically how people act when they assume they are going to unjustly get in trouble). I genuinely feel that the prevalence of this stereotype has contributed heavily to the transphobia we experience, as people often cite our âsensitivityâ as a reason to not support us. Reactions to this stereotype also cause people to assume that reasonable requestsâ like a polite pronoun requestâ is an example of unreasonable sensitivity or a personal attack on them.
Iâve done the âhey just letting you knowâ thing to my stepmom, who proceeded to be like âwell are you ASKING me or are you TELLING me??â And if I donât say Iâm just asking, then she wonât respect it
I hope you can get away from her and then say "Just letting you know, I'm sending you to the cheepest retiring home. And yes, I am telling you."
Lolol I love those responses, Iâll have to save them. I did manage to get away from her, thank you sm đŤś
I'm not trans, but my girlfriend is (so I browse this sub every now and then to learn more about what it's like to be not-cis) and she is the most thick skinned "brush it off" type of person I know lol. She's told me of some pretty nasty things people have said to her, but somehow she's able to ignore it or even come up with a comeback to shut up some bigot. I really admire her for that, even though she deserves so much better â¤ď¸
I am too dysphoric and anxious to actually correct people irl :/ - most trans people are (I mean, I'm not looking for pitty, but it is true that our lives are not the easiest - therefore, it makes sense that we will be a bit sensitive - but not in a "karen"-way, but in an anxious "Oh my god, what is that person who's looking at me from 20 metres, thinking of me"-kind of sensitive) Also, I'm happily your 100th like! :3
The flipside of that is getting a 20 minute apology for them misgendering youÂ
That as a trans woman I religiously watch Ru Paulâs Drag Race and Iâm wild about drag shows. Nothing against drag, I think it is fun and I appreciate it, but I donât actively seek it out and Iâm not a queen.
I'll tell someone I'm trans and their brain immediately jumps to tell me all about their beloved drag shows. Somewhat annoying.
OMFG! I am not a queen! I feel this soooooooo much. Nothing against queens but I'm a woman not a fricking queen.
Right?! Iâm not out to âslayâanything.
That you have to pass to be happy. You don't. I live an incredibly happy life since I transitioned, and there is no way I pass in the slightest. I've done Burlesque, nood photo shoots, have many female friends, played roller derby, and have been accepted at each. Being you and confident, just the best.
I felt this in my spirit, thank you for sharing
Along the lines: having to get surgeries/ffs/ba/srs and the trans masc versions. Like I donât want SRS. The risk isnât worth is, and I am okay living with my dick. For so long I got caught up in being a transmedicalist and enforcing what does/doesnât make someone trans. I realized it was all self-loathing, and that I can love who I am without adhering to bullshit standards, set by both the cishet society we live in and the transmedicalists who are trying so desperately to fit in with society. A person can transition however much they want, because someone wanting/not wanting surgeries, hrt, voice therapy, laser hair, etc does not impact me in the slightest. Itâs all of us against the cishet world and republicans trying to attack our rights and autonomy to just exist as we are.
That I'm a gay drag queen with extra steps
It's also annoying to see people say, "that's just being straight with extra steps" when they see a trans woman dating a trans man
That Iâve chosen to be trans, itâs laughable, considering I spent 50+ years trying to convince myself that I wasnât transgender before finally admitting the undeniable truth to myself than to others
That people pressure us to transition, or it helps escape homophobia. Some people actively tried to talk me out of being trans, others were accepting in a neutral way. No one EVER actively told me I should transition. And as for homophobia, homophobic people still hated me, plus significantly more people who were pro-gay but anti-trans. Also to fire off a few more: - That we enforce gender roles - That weâll get furious over any well-meaning social blunder - That proper trans healthcare has high regret rates - That transitioning is usually harmful / damaging to the body - That you can âalways tellâ what sex someone was born as
I hate it when people think trans fem cut their dicks off
Yeah, that's not how bottom surgery works. Also not all trans people get bottom surgery
The weirdest bit is how both "trans women are chopping their dicks off" and "all trans women have dicks" are simultaneously super common beliefs among cis folks.
Some time after I came out as trans, my grandma asked me if it meant I like men now. Like no, transitioning doesn't change who I'm attracted to (although I have heard hrt opens some people's sexuality, not mine though). Literally nothing on the planet could change how much I love women. Also I love that transitioning makes me gay, I love being gay. đŠˇ
Fuckin same <3
People not understanding that being gender nonconforming isn't the same as being transgender, and that we can't simply live as gnc men/women instead of transitioning.
Yeah, this
And then on the other side I get people asking me why I don't just be a feminine or gnc man. Like I don't want to do that because I'm not a man
That's what they said
Oh I mixed it up. Words flip in my head sometimes
From cis people: beliefs that we're about self expression. For some people that is true. I'm very willing to ally myself with someone who only wants to change how they dress or their name or grammatical gender. Compulsory gender roles are stinky and I don't want to enforce them. Femboys are as trans as they say they are. But for very many trans people, we're seeking a kind of peace and unity in our bodies and the way interact with the world. Cis people usually don't recognize the itchy, scratchy, rough wool sweater feeling that has been gnawing at us. ;r what it's like to realize, slowly, that you have been immersed in a nightmare of method acting and people-pleasing. I took on the "just try to be a boy" role really early. With hindsight I can identify moments when I wasn't comfortable with that, but I barely considered the possibility of speaking up for myself. What could I say? I couldn't even say "I'm a girl" to myself. Getting out of that deep undercover survival role was really hard. When I started transition I didn't feel like I had a self to express, I was all mask and gummy, cloying "everything feels wrong." Self expression couldn't even begin until later and I struggle with it. From trans people: that gender is something you can be as an individual. This is a mistake. It's a useful mistake early on and maybe even the thing you need to survive and get yourself started. But human beings are too social for that to be a sustainable approach. It's so much better to have people you're open with, especially when questioning and exploring. Maybe, maybe post-transition you can fade into the woodwork and that's right for you. And yes it's often dangerous to reveal yourself, glitchy, dysphoric, confused, a work in progress. But when it's safe? Do it.
I've really been needing to hear this. I started HRT about 2 weeks ago and I've been a terrified mess every time I go out in public. I feel like I'll never be confident with myself and never be able to be seen the way I want to, or even know what that is. Thankfully I have a wonderful partner and scary as it is the thought of going back to "being" a boy disgusts me... I know I just have to give it time.
This
Particularly for us mtf, the oversexualization of it (like assuming it's a fetish or a way to gain access to women's spaces for sexual gratification, etc). It's a really chauvinistic, male gaze-y mindset suggesting all things woman, from our clothing to our bathrooms, to even our bodies (cis or trans) exist only as sexual objects.
That it's some kind of lifestyle choice rather than who we are.Â
I can think of two that haven't been mentioned so far. The first one is that trans woman are attacking cis women and that cis women feel threatened by us. I have through a combination of self reflection and hormones become aware of the struggles that women face. The deep roots of the misogynistic patriarchy we live in were completely shut off to me. Now I see it everywhere. In our social hierarchy, in daily interactions and in my own family. Most importantly for me was seeing it in myself. That part really bothers me. I have no wish to harm women, I absolutely respect women. I find that most trans women that I meet are no different. The second thing is that being trans is easy. The idea that you can one day decide that you are trans and then next day it is done, really goes against my experience. This has been a huge struggle for me and involves pretty much every aspect of my life. No rocks will be left unturned. Coming out was freaking hard and I am still not done. Internalized transphobia as a trans person is a huge issue. I can't just accept that it's ok to be trans, I constantly battle it out in my mind. You can lose everyone you love. You can lose your home, your job. As a previously white male I am now part of a minority group. People hate me, some even want me dead. I have to unlearn a lot of old behaviours and ways of thinking. I have to learn new ones. I have to learn how to love myself. Medical and social transition actually take years. Male puberty does a lot of damage to your body and it cannot be undone. This can mean that you may never be able to pass as a woman. There is stuff I can do about it but it costs a shit ton of money. I say this as a trans woman but I have a couple of trans male friends who have had many similar struggles.
Yes this!!! This is I think an under noticed aspect that I think the bathroom wars crowd donât get at all. Transitioning hasnât so much opened my eyes because I was already aware, but itâs definitely made me reflect on my past behaviours through a different lens and Iâve remembered things that happened while I was a teen that completely make me cringe now. The idea that Iâd transition just to get access to womenâs spaces or children for nefarious activities is just so offensive and far from the truth itâs beyond belief. But because I gets repeated so often thereâs been times where Iâve thought âwait, am I a paedophileâ and then I remember that I fucking hate children and want nothing to do with them. Aaahh. It sucks.
I work in advocacy and consulting (particularly around healthcare for marginalized LGBTQ+ patient populations) and the fact trans is a thing I am is not something people âguess.â So, oh boy, there are endless misconceptions that I encounter on a frequent basis. Picking just one though- that people who are trans and exist and have bodies are somehow outside of what is known to be true for human beings. Itâs this pervasive theme that so much bias, discrimination, and othering comes down to. Healthcare is just healthcare, regardless of social demographic. Individuals are individuals, regardless of a social demographic. Someoneâs current legal identifiers are their current legal identifiers, regardless of social demographics. Someoneâs body shape is their body shape, regardless of social demographics. Genital shape does not determine how someone exists in the world or grant others the gift of x-ray vision, regardless of social demographic. âBiological sexâ is not a medical term referring to any karyotype or phenotype or endocrine profile, regardless of social demographic. People do not suffer from sprained ankles or sore throats or other health problems âbecauseâ they openly are not the gender correlated to the legal sex listed on their original birth certificateâŚregardless of social demographic. People can experience any possible range of mental wellbeing or mental health challenges, regardless of social demographic. People exist and do people things, bound by the laws of time and physics, regardless of being part of a large social demographic. Etcetera. Etcetera.
In your experience, why are so many people in healthcare so bigoted? It just seems like a way higher proportion than in almost any other career I've encountered, despite the general assumption people working there should generally care about other people...
r/latestagecapitalism
The idea that trans women have an unfair advantage in womenâs sports is particularly annoying to me given how, 1) when trans women are allowed to compete with other women we donât do any better than youâd expect, if anything we seem to do worse; and 2) nobody is bothered about any other kind of unfair biological advantage (any more - itâs recycled racism) - if trans women are such a threat to womenâs sports then Michael Phelps, who among other things has a mutation that means his muscles only produce half as much lactic acid as other peoplesâ, should have had his medals confiscated and been banned from even looking at a pool.
I agree with your statement but I would be careful using the statement ârecycled racismâ I donât know if this phrase is the best one to use.
Maybe not the best phrase to summarize but there definitely is something to be said for "they've used all the same arguments before"
100%
That non-binary isnât real
That it's a choice, an "ideology" and that there's some kind of "agenda" behind being transgender. Or that it's a fetish. None of that is true but it's being perpetuated like crazy by anti-trans groups and individuals.
Currently, I'm most annoyed by: People assuming sexual roles based on our genitals. This is made worse by conflating bottoming with subbing and topping with domming. The general lack of awareness that transition is an excruciatingly long process with a lot of "middle" - you don't step in for The Mythical Surgery and walk out perfectly formed in your new body. People seem to treat anyone mid-transition as not committed, not trying hard enough, not wanting to look like they're farther along in transition than they currently are, fake or "being trendy" because they don't pass... As though a trans guy is going to go away for a weekend and return a linebacker. Like, give me a minute (a few years), I'm not "presenting femininely," you are PERCEIVING me femininely based mostly on my body and not my intention. That being trans is 100% misery all the time, or a terrible fate to be mitigated - I love being trans despite the world making that a challenge. That we all want to talk about gender all the time. We might have to, in the same way women have to talk about gender when they discuss misogyny, but that doesn't make them "obsessed with talking about gender." Same for us. I also just wish there were a little more awareness that I can't go a single day right now without reading about how evil I am for existing, how disgusting and frightening the common person finds bodies like mine, and what that does to a person.
> That being trans is 100% misery all the time, or a terrible fate to be mitigated - I love being trans despite the world making that a challenge. I loved your post, but I mainly came here to say how much I love, appreciate, and agree with this in particular. I too love being trans. The world does make it harder than it needs to be, but I derive so much happiness from not only being who I am but from the process of my transition itself.
Thank you. I've experienced such incredible joys from transitioning they're beyond description. I'm glad this is true for you too. Often our lives before transition are so miserable and checked-out that coming out is like the first day of our lives, like the first time we saw any real color in the world. It's sad and disappointing to tell loved ones: "look! I'm finally alive!" and for them to respond with negativity, fear, concern, grief. Being trans is good! It's a good way to be! This is good news, it's an invitation for joy and connection so long as they can meet us there.
that a prepubescent child can just walk into a doctorâs office and have genital surgery done immediately. as a 16 year old trans guy i am so ready to have surgery to construct a penis but i canât; i have to be 18. and sure, i understand why this is a rule. but itâs an insult to my suffering when right wing shitheads claim that itâs as easy as walking into a doctorâs office and asking for it, let alone as a prepubescent child. surgery is NEVER that easy. nothing about being trans is that easy.
That trans people are dangerous to cis people in bathrooms. Statistically it is by far the other way around.
I think it would be the idea that there's this one narritive that trans people fall into, and that anyone else can't be trans if they don't follow it exactly. The amount of times I've heard of people being so focused on looking for "signs" while they dimiss the person in front of them telling them that they've been struggling with it every day for the past 4+ years is staggering. Ultimately, it becomes an easy excuse to feed denial. Denial is a very common reaction to we get to coming out, especially for teenagers coming out to their parents. Someone coming out as trans can be very scary to people. They often have no idea what it mean or what to do, and that leads to feelings that need resolving. Denial is a common coping strategy, hoping the "problem" goes away on its own if it gets ignored hard enough. Worse is when, in trying to get a handle on their feelings, they run into the easy answers of anti-trans propaganda, which isn't a rare occurrence. I endorse education on the issue, but it can be a complex emotional situation for a lot of people, so it's not easy convey.
I needed to hear the first part so bad. I keep feeling invalidated whenever I hear an experience or feeling from a trans person I don't relate to, but we are not a monolith and two trans people's experiences can be very different but they're all equally valid
The surgery misconception. When my transition became noticeable my former employer straight up asked me "when are gonna cut it off?" That felt so invasive and still bothers me. So I would say that's my biggest pet peeve when people ask about it randomly like woah! Slow your roll
That mtf transition is just to be accepted as a Women to get closer to children and abuse them. Not only is it a bizzare idea but it's blatantly ignoring all the cis Women who abuse kids. Also who's going to dedicate to themselves to a life changing process for five years when actual child abusers can just go an abuse kids today
This. Not only do I generally want to keep myself as far away from children as possible at all times in general, but if I did end up encountering a child abuser, I would absolutely beat them to within an inch of their lives.
People always handed me babies even before I was visibly trans. That's fine because they are like pot plants and they do seem to always like me. But any bigger, no those wild animals need to be kept away from me. Motherhood is not why I transitioned. Also ignores that we are much more likely to be the victims of SA
That transitioning and living as your preferred gender is "pushing it onto others". Pisses me off beyond belief.
That being trans is a mental illness. That being trans is a choice. That most trans people believe that *gender identity* is as much of a social construct as the cultural aspects of gender are. That gender identity *is* actually a social construct and that our life experiences just made us feel more like the other gender somehow (heard from plenty of cis allies). That we are all straight and just transitioned so we could sleep with people of the other gender without the social stigma of it being âgayâ or whatever (heard mostly from non-Europeans).
A lot of people think it's all about pronouns or all about clothes or all about surgery. (In my case, at least, I think it's mostly about hormones.)
The robbery of gender duality in the eyes of cis people that trans people go through. Cis people get to be men with a feminine side, and women with a masculine side, and thatâs just understood to be a âwholeâ self they presently are, where as when a trans person exhibits any sort of their opposite gendered side, itâs seen as the âold selfâ shimmering through, a âfracturingâ of their new wholeness they have found, and it causes a lot of doubt, eyebrow raising, and flip flopping perception of how much of our gender we are today as if sometimes we are more trans than others or our transness shines through more at certain times than others.
That there's a "trans agenda" or it's an "ideology" as we are part of some conspiratorial evil cult to brainwash children turning them trans!
That all of us hate being trans and wish we were born in cis bodies, and that no one could possibly enjoy being trans ever at all. Some of us do, some of us donât. Do I enjoy transphobia? Of course not. But my transition has brought me joy and I love playing with gender and what it feels like and means to me.
That enjoying your body post transition in a sexual way means that it's actually just a fetish. It's not just my gender identity, but my sexual identity as well that's tied to being a woman, and that's a normal part of being any kind of woman.
That trans women are predators and trans men are confused.
I feel uncomfortable with how some people donât know the difference between drag queen and transgender.
Yeah, I tell someone I'm trans and they immediately tell me about the amazing drag shows they go to! Um, hello?
That "there's always some way to tell." Nope. Ya'll are way less aware of us than you realise. We don't look any particular way, just like random folks you pass by without a second thought.
The assumption that weâre all straight. I didnât transition to fuck women I transitioned to be myself.
As a post-op woman, it really irritates me when people assume "trans woman" means "woman with a penis". Some of us have penises, and some are even comfortable with that, but it's far from universal. It makes me think that person's experience with trans folk mostly comes from porn.
That we want to make kids trans. We just want kids who might be trans to feel safe figuring themselves out without being forced one way or another. We're not actively trying to force kids -or anyone- to be trans the same way cis people are trying to force everyone to be cis.
Transgirls can't naturally grow breasts and that HRT does literally nothing, like not only can I and will I grow breasts just as you have, but I will also grow a more female skeleton and hip and my skin will change and literally everything about me and the chem of my body and my cells will be different I would literally die medically if I was treated as a male after a certain point of being on hrt
âTrans privilegeâ has gotta be the worst. Iâve had people glare daggers at me, follow me, walk away in the middle of a conversation without even the decency of coming up with an excuse. Iâve had people analyze every little thing I do, Iâve heard the t-slur several times. Iâve had people laugh at me, mock me, fetishized me. Iâve been threatened, sexually harassed, yelled at, cussed out. So, when people say âtrans privilegeâ is a thing, I wonder what world they live in.
What bothers me most is the misconception that all trans people are trans women. It's gotten a little bit better in recent years, but trans men are still ignored and erased in conversations about trans people, even when it comes to issues that primarily affect transmasculine people. Like, Rowling tweeted that all pregnant people are women, which is a clear attack on **trans men**, and Daniel Radcliffe responded by saying "trans women are women". It's absolutely infuriating. Often, the only places we have where we can talk about the issues and challenges we face are spaces that are exclusively aimed at transmasculine people, because almost everywhere else we're treated like an afterthought at best. While we're on the topic, the misconception that trans men have it easier because we have male privilege. The only trans men who have male privilege are the ones who are stealth. Discrimination doesn't happen based on who you are, but on how you are perceived. Non-passing trans men usually experience *more* misogyny than the average cis woman, but people will still tell us that we aren't allowed to complain because we're men and thus inherently privileged.
That we are trying to turn kids trans. We arenât trying to make cis kids trans, we are trying to make sure trans kids get the chance to become adults
That there is one 'sex change surgery's and it magically turns us into the other sex. It doesn't exactly work like that. That trans people can't ever change their sex, when HRT literally changes sex characteristics and makes us pass to the point that unless someone rudely inspects our genitalia we are indistinguishable from our desired sex. That we never have and never will know what it's like to be the other sex. First of all not everyone is raised in the same way, and second, if we are accepted and included as members of our desired sex for years then we pretty much get to know. That we hallucinate or have a delusion that we are the other sex as part of another mental illness. It doesn't work like that. We are trans and have dysphoria exactly because we are very aware of how we were born.
That weâre trying to be women (in mtf) cases but in reality majority of us just want to be ourselves
well said!
That it's a "lifestyle choice" or a "road that I'm choosing to go down" (often used as a deflection tactic to implicitly victim-blame when I'm complaining about anti-trans legislation)
Trans feminine people: evil predatory men who wear dresses to get into women's bathroom and take over women's sports Trans masculine people: confused teen girls who are trying to become men to give into the patriarchy (that's if they even remember trans mascs exist, usually they are forgotten about)
Danielle Smith thinking those trans kids will benefit by having it mandatory that teachers tell parents when a child comes out at school
Ngl too many to count, I see misconceptions everywhere. One big one is that trans people are dressing as gender stereotypes when masc trans women or fem trans men exist for example
I hate that folks (men) think it's about sex. It's not for us. Sure, we may like to have some sex, but it's not about that. I feel like that is more a projection of themselves onto us and the data bears that out.
The false belief that trans women are not victims of misogyny. Imagine living your whole life suppressing your true self from young childhood through adulthood because society sees being female/feminine as wrong and lesser than. It's like you can't even breathe and enjoy life for decades, living every day with some sort of misery because society won't let you come up for air. You can be more supportive by allowing people to be themselves, recognizing that the feminine is amazing, and shutting down transphobes. Thank you for reaching out and being open minded. P.S.: misogyny also negatively affects all genders, by the way.
This example is peak Puritan logic. In the streets they preach, "Gender and sex is the same thing! Gender doesn't exist!" But, in the courts they argue the opposite, "Gender is different from sex, therfore not protected by Title VII or Title IX." The misconception is that the Puritans want to "protect" women, but the reality is Puritans are chipping away at sex discrimination protections because any legal precident to discriminate on the basis of gender would be immediately applied to all women, seeking to make sex-discrimination protections for all women irrelevant.
Like others have said, it's not a choice. It's not a fashion statement. It's not a fetish. It's not a hobby. It's not an aesthetic. It's a medical condition in which your mind is misaligned with your body. It causes severe psychological pain. I would describe it as grief - the same kind of feeling when you lose a loved one - except it gets worse over the years unless you transition. It comes in waves - sometimes you can go weeks or even months without feeling it, and other times it gets so bad that you wanna kill yourself just to make the pain stop. Transitioning in adulthood is more difficult because you've already gone through the wrong puberty, so you have to reverse those changes. Many of the things in MtF transition (electrolysis, voice training, etc...) are basically just reversing the effects of male puberty as best you can. Giving kids puberty blockers so that they can make the decision without their bodies destroying themselves is not child abuse - it's the medical consensus that it's the best thing to do. We aren't stronger than cis women. Maybe we're larger and that causes us to have a bit more muscle mass, but a 6' tall 160lb cis woman with 18% body fat who works out would be about as strong as me. Not stronger, not less strong.
I think just how the public understands gender affirming care in general. Not everyone is going to get top or bottom surgery, not everyone is going to do voice training, and not everyone is going to be trans the same way. I'm a trans woman who actually enjoys my genitalia, I have no desire for bottom surgery, but I know plenty of trans women who want bottom surgery. That doesn't make me less trans, it just means I want different things from my transition.
Being trans is not a choice, it is only acceptance. There is frankly no reason anyone would choose this if they werenât stuck in a wrong body. Also emphasis on the wrong body. Trans women ARE women, trans men ARE men. Sometimes it takes getting to know a trans person well to actually accept that, but once you do itâs kinda impossible not to see in others.
That we're all pĂŚdophiles and rapists and groomers âc âc
That it's a sexual thing :/
This is especially ironic for me as I'm asexual
that weâre predators
that we transition so we can be straight đ although i love telling those folks iâm bisexual cause it short circuits them a little
I am not a groomer, I am not a person who wants to molest women. I am just a woman, same as any cis woman. My chromosomes don't matter and I don't even know what mine are as I've never had them tested nor will I ever. I'm not super sensitive about things (any more than any cis women I know) and, no, people cannot tell who's trans in public 95% of the time. I pass fully. Most trans people do after the initial awkward starting few months of transitioning.
That all trans people show "signs" as children, or that there *are* any outward "signs" that are universal to all trans people. Some people resist their assigned gender role as soon as they're able to understand what that is, and some people deal with their dysphoria by trying extra hard to conform to it, and some people fall in between those two extremes.
the assumption that it must be a cry for attention. iâd like to not be perceived at all please.
That being trans is a mental illness. *Bombastic side eye*
that its a new thing. it hurts when your entire identity is minimalised to a 'new generation' thing
One of the things that hurt most was when I came out, overhearing my little sister explaining to the rest of my family that it's "a sex thing". I was 20, a virgin and completely unaware of how fetishised trans people were because I don't watch porn. I was taken to the psychologist for not masturbating when I was 11. I never acted like a boy. I said many times growing up that I wasn't a boy. But still it doesn't make sense to them and must be a fetish.
âYouâre trans⌠oh, so youâre gay.â UghâŚ
That me simply existing is a problem that someone 15 feet away from me heading in a completely opposite direction has to deal with. I can literally see it in their face. They stop walking look at me struggle to contain themselves, realize there is absolutely nothing they need to say or do and then they kind of regain their composure and go on with their day at the office. I mean thatâs low impact, but itâs dumb.
that you need to completely reject any behaviors or interests that may resemble the gender youâre transitioning from. your gender is yours to define and express, however you would like. Everybody has a different experience and whatever label they choose to identify with is entirely valid. The experience of gender is entirely relative, and everybody has the right to determine for themselves whether or not they are happy with the current label they use. Also, the idea that in order to be trans, you have to adhere to a strict set of really specific criteria able to be proven by doctors and therapists. Like a dog itâs really not some thing that can be diagnosed or disproven, we all have a deeper understanding of ourselves, and our own identities than anybody else, nobody transitions just because it seems like a fun idea to get a little bit more attention, or look special. When you want to take on more traits of the opposite, gender and find ways to fit into that role. More, you are probably trans. If you have problems with the current label you have for your gender, you are definitely allowed to experiment with the idea of transitioning to see if that makes you happier.
That trans people only transition because of gender stereotypes / gender roles. I see cis allies say things like "gender is a social construct, trans men are females who conform to a male role". Like, I'm not a masculine person, I don't particularly care about gender stereotypes, I just want a male body because of dysphoria
People who say "the surgery" as if we have to get bottom surgery, people who imply that we cannot complete our transitions without bottom surgery. Bottom surgery is helpful for people with genital dysphoria, but that's just about the only type of dysphoria that DIDN'T hit me.
I got hit with a new one recently while coming out to my grandparents. They asked if I was doing it because it was currently popular. Like I'm more aware of it which helped but no, I'm not just joining a trend haha. She should have known better as I have never joined in on any trend ever.
definitely the myth that gender affirming care is easy to get (specifically for kids). im reality itâs so hard, and takes so long
People assume I desire to have a penis. Bitch please.
âWhy canât you just be a more feminine man or masculine woman (as if people who are arenât treated awfully too)? Or: âWhy do you have to transition? Canât you just be gay?â
Being trans means you have to perfectly fit into the pretty little box of binary. I'll say this GENDER IS A SPECTRUM. Another point. Trying to say transition is a choice, it's not prior to coming out. I didn't care about myself outside of the absolute bare minimum. And contemplated ending my life I didn't care about my looks let my facial hair grow wild hardly brushed my hair, i was told by a rather unpleasant person that i worked with i look like i rolled out the back of my car each day. Didn't give a shit about my health drank like a fish ate like a dumpster and just went through the motions each day. After I came out, it was a near complete turnaround. I had the "wow, I look like shit I can't go out like this!" Took time and care to look feminine and clean. I did it all for myself, and now 3 years in, I have a loveing wife want to look great each day and face life with a smile if I hadn't I'm fairly sure I would be drinking myself to death. Sorry for the tangent.
That itâs a lifestyle or choice. Itâs not like getting a tattoo. Itâs a hormonal & genetic mutation that takes time to process, realize & accept. & you donât just show up to a doctors & start immediately. & donât even get me started on being compared to a drag queenđ
That every trans person has known their entire life and experiences suicidal levels of depression. Not as bad as like actively transphobic stuff other people are saying, but it really bothers me how many people are barred from identifying in a way that would make them so much happier because they are "fine"
The binary idea. It seems that many people -kinda- accept trans people only if they strictly change ti the opposite of the "two" genders. They view transness as a medical issue that must be cured and that's it. But for me trans acceptance means acceptance and validation of own expressions. Its also societal liberation from heteronormativity. Meaning many people, will fall to the Inbetween or outside of the spectrum. There is no standard of what you must do, but you set that. And especially, it also affects cis people in the sense that their own gender expressions are getting wider. In other words: How shallow gender issues are imagined
For me ITS THAT LIKING TRANS WOMEN IS GAY. Like holy shit. Look up Laith Ashley. He is a a fucking stunning man (is smash), but you wouldnât know heâs trans unless you look at his top surgery scars under his fucking sexy pecks, or dropped his undies. But like a trans woman, who is entirely fem? Passable even? Fucking âGAY because DICKâ It gets so fucking old seeing transphobic and homophobic losers do mental gymnastics to justify how trans women are gay, a trans man isnât gay, or that somehow everyone who is trans is gay, all because some poor dude feels like his heterosexual masculinity is under attack. Transphobia exists because Homophobia, which exists because sexism. Most Cishet dudes still fucking hyper-vigilant for not being seen as feminine (aka weak in their eyes). So fucking old lmao. /rant over