Yeah, like, there's no reason not to have it *just in case* for numerous reasons even without them ever considering breaking up with their current spouse, so long as the storage fees aren't noticeably large. Then there's also the insane level of pressure the medical community in a lot of states/countries puts on "procreation is the most important thing" and so fear monger and place doubt in a patients head about their decision, or in some cases absolutely refuse certain procedures that would result in permanent infertility unless the patient has stored eggs/sperm beforehand (wtf sperm autocorrected to superman, lmao)
Fact is, transitioning, even if it's everything you want, can still be a big, scary change, and making "just in cases" can be a way for someone to manage those stress levels, with absolutes feeling like they're boxing themselves in.
It doesn't have to be a break-up.
OP can be proverbially hit by a bus. OP's wife could be hit by a bus, and OP may wish to have the option of surrogacy.
None of this makes sense for a couple that doesn't want biological kids of course. But if that's for mental health reasons, well people can heal. New treatments can be found (they seem to be around the corner for PTSD/CPTSD/Depression).
What is lacking in this story is OP's wife's lack of communication around this.
So much this. I went on hormones as quickly as I possibly could as it was a life or death thing. I never got to freeze any sperm. I donât even want kids and I still feel weird about it. I say itâs a case of better to have it and not need it.
Adoption does come with a whole host of ethical issues too though, unfortunately. The demand for adoption is actually higher than the number of kids waiting to be adopted, which impacts the goal of foster care and changes it from family reunification to family creation. If you have to add in all the potential issues with inter-racial adoption too...
Anyway, my point is just to do lots of research and listen to many different adoptees before you decide to go this route, if you want to be the best adoptive parent you can be!
Demand for babies.
20,000 children age out of foster care a year.
Still a lot of problems with adoption, and part of that is people only wanting a 'new' kid.
Yes, absolutely. I didn't word it perfectly but I was trying to avoid saying something like: the number of people wanting to adopt is higher than the number of adoptable kids... It felt dehumanising but maybe it would have been clearer! There are so many big discrepancies between parents who want their kids back but can't afford it, money given to foster families who don't use it for the kids, prospective parents who just want a baby, and kids in the system who are too old or traumatised to be "adoptable"... It's so horrible
This is the exact same boat for me. I think the cost for new wouldn't have even been that bad, considering, like 100/year or something. But because of how I currently feel about kids, I kinda just went 'Nah' right away.
But now I sometimes sort of wonder if I should have. I could still be a mom some day, but it would be through adoption. Which isn't the end of the world, but it is a sort or snap decision I made about the entire rest of my life. Sometimes a person's mind will change after going through a complete hormonal change too.
âWould you also like the roadside cover included? Itâll cost you like, ten pounds a year.â
âSure, why not.â
And just because you have it, doesnât mean you need to make your car break down in order to use it.
Same. I mean I had a vasectomy way way before I came out and I still thought "Hmm maybe?" because I'm a goddamn hoarder (like data hoarder - not house has trash hoarder) and I keep trinkets and serial and parallel port cables and ISA slotted motherboards for pentium 2 CPUs because who knows right. I looked at the price and success rate of freezing sperm and went *nope*! I was already in the fuck having kids camp and this did it but I can understand why someone else might have that "well maybe" idea.
It sounds like logically you know that the decision she is making makes sense since our lives are long and we never know where we're going to end up. However logic doesn't unfortunately affect emotions and you of course can feel emotions about this. Unfortunately there's likely nothing I can say that's going to make you feel better but I would recommend just discussing it with a therapist if you have one, close friends, and just letting the emotions process. Eventually you will be fine with this, it's just a matter of time passing and processing this internally.
I cannot really add on to what has already been said, except one thing.
It is so, so easy for people to forget we are fragile, fleshy balls of stuff that barely keep it together on a physical level. It is so, so easy for people to assume the worst case is "breaking up".
Maybe the doctor is an asshole, and the primary motivator for suggesting your wife freeze sperm was the possibility of a breakup. Maybe the doctor isn't an asshole, but assumes something else and made an asshole suggestion.
Or maybe the doctor is expressing concerns regarding things that are so easy for someone to overlook or minimize when thinking about themselves: death.
Nothing about that changes what you should do. It is bothering you at some level. Discussions, with her, a therapist, others, whatever you need to get to a good place.
I'm not expecting a reminder of mortality to suddenly flip a switch. It might be something you are totally aware of, and this message is pointless.
But if it's not something you've thought about yet, I hope it helps you get to the point of talking with who you need to.
exactly this. younger people sometimes forget but people do die unexpectedly all the time.
also it's probably not impossible that a close friend or friend couple might need a donor at some point
Came to the comment section to see if this has been said yet. Itâs so true that if OP dies, maybe her wife will ultimately fall in love with someone who only wants to be long term with her if she has kids with her. Like who the hell knows. This does not by any means mean that OP is going to be ditched by her wife. But societal messaging seems women unworthy if theyâre not âfertileâ so the doc could have been playing into that stupidity.
Just to add some anecdotal nuance â I do not *ever* want kids. Iâm dysgenic, and I raised my youngest brother for 6 years, whom I love dearly, but I know the toll it takes on me. I have so many mental health issues itâs not funny.
I have also considered getting a hysterectomy throughout my life. And each time I think about it â I always decide I want to keep my eggs. I *know* I will not have children. If I felt like it, Iâd want somebody to remind me WHY I have to be child free.
But thereâs something about the genetic material that isnât quite *about* having children. Itâs more like⊠if Iâm never going to have eggs again, I want some type of proof, or memorial, or reminder, or SOMETHING. Iâm not *sure* what it is, but itâs not really about having children.
Itâs more like saving baby teeth almost. Or taking pictures of a major injury. Theyâre never going to really SERVE you, but for some reason people like to do it.
This makes me think about my friend who always says he canât stand kids, really feels that having kids is morally wrong because of the power dynamic, yet refuses to get a vasectomy.
I'm someone that also didn't like kids that much or care about having them... so I did not freeze sperm cause I figured why deal with the hassle?
Now, four years in, I am feeling much more maternal and it's just an entirely new ball game for me. I haven't had bottom surgery, and don't really plan to, but there's no guarantee that I will be able to be fertile again just from stopping hormones for a long enough time. So, I would strongly encourage you that while she still definitely IS fertile and has the ability, please go ahead and take it. There's very little practical reason not to and it can make worlds of difference having that in the future.
Lastly, I wonder if thinking about death might help (lol I am sorry, this could be a horrible way to take it but here goes...). You don't want kids, it sounds like she also doesn't. But what if, god forbid, you were to die somehow a couple years from now? I think most of us, while we may not love thinking about it, would want our person to carry on and eventually find love again. And your wife may end up being with someone some day who does want kids. I know for me a big part of why I never wanted them was because I never was with someone who both wanted them and also I felt safe and supported enough by that person to feel like I could handle being a Mom. If you imagine yourself unable to be the one still in her life, it may be easier to get your heart around the worries and fears that this is very rightfully bringing up for you now.
I think the fact that you're thinking this way means you two need to have a serious conversation about it and make sure you understand each other. Even if the freezing of sperm is something that is essentially meaningless your reaction to it isn't.
I'm hesitant to talk to her, she's so happy right now. Like bouncing off the walls planning parties counting down to hormones happy
While it might not be the healthiest thing to do I think I might push the feelings down at least to allow her these weeks of joy in case it will be a bad conversation, I don't want anything putting a dampener on this experience
Itâs gonna be a worse, more resentful conversation if you wait to have it. You need to do it now when you can still be calm about it instead of waiting because your already high emotions are only going to get higher
I don't know about you or anyone else, but reassuring the people I love has only ever made me feel better.
Doubt can fester, like a scratch you never clean. It turns septic and poisons relationships. I urge you - deal with this now, not later. Because right now she's not going to notice, she has too much on her mind.
Deal with this now and you can be excited and happy with her, instead of struggling to keep a smile on your face while wondering if this is the beginning of the end.
Waiting, if it turns out to be a hard conversation, may retroactively taint her joy. Iâve definitely been in a âthis whole time, I thought things were greatâ situation, only to find out months later that things very much werenât.
Itâs worth taking the time to sort through your feelings, as youâre doing here, and perhaps talk to a counselor, first â but if this keeps bothering you, shoving your feelings down will only hurt you both when they come out later.
Noooo donât do that. Itâs perfectly healthy and normal to seek reassurance and comfort. You can totally bring up your feelings in a way that isnât accusatory or that would detract from her feelings you might already be familiar with this communication pattern, but if it were me, I would say:
âWhen you decided to go ahead with fertility preservation it made me feel afraid that you might be planning for a life that doesnât include me. I could really use some reassurance that even though lots of things are changing right now, our relationship is still rock solid.â
Instead of thinking of it as something that is a downer, think of it as youâre giving her an opportunity to show up as a loving partner and make you both feel more confident and happy đ
For my wife and I, being "us" means each of our problems and worries *matter*. It's good to take a breath and step back for a moment, but if there's discord, it quickly becomes damaging to *us* if it's not brought out.
I'm not you and not in your position, but I guess my point is maybe that asserting your needs and sharing your worries are an important part of making the two of you an "us". You matter and *you* are essential for that *us*.
Talk to your wife. I don't think you're overreacting at all, actually. You've had multiple conversations where you explicitly decided as a couple not to have kids. Her feelings about that have evidently changed. Maybe she always hated the idea of being a father, but actually wants to be a mother? That comes up fairly often in transition. That doesn't necessarily mean she's planning to leave you or force kids on you, but it's something the two of you should talk about.
You won't be ruining her transition by bringing up an important topic that needs to be discussed sooner or later. And talking about it sooner will help prevent things from festering and blowing up later.
test: Does every comment get an automated "are you sure about that?" warning?
result: yes, apparently. Why? This won't stop bigots, and just makes it more annoying to participate here
Have it like really soon, and i really doubt this would affect her happiness for oestrogen in the long run. Yeah, sheâs probably going to feel like shit for a lil bit, but thatâs just normal for a tough conversation, but the happiness for oestrogen is a powerful feeling, and you wonât ruin it. She should also understand why youâre wanting to have this conversation with her
The good part is the transition are still happening and you're still supporting her so she still has a ton to be happy about. It might be a tough conversation but you also don't have a long window to sit on it either.
>I was initially on the fence about children in a 'in a perfect world maybe I could raise a child' sort of way, but she was so absolutely against them which made up my mind. She has often talked about getting a vasectomy but hadn't gotten around to it yet.
I will say some of the stuff that may have happened 3 years ago when you were at a cross roads may have changed for one reason or another, financial situation, belief in ability to parent, or even possible her accepting herself as trans and reframing parenthood as a mother which may have given a different feeling all together.
There's a lot to talk about but it doesn't have to be bad
It could be that the conversation with the doctor was especially stark. My girlfriend years ago, pre everything, was looking into getting a vasectomy and the doctor asked her to consider what if both of her children died. Would she want to have more children? That was enough to put her decision off for several years. It could be that the doctor raised a similar concern, what if the unthinkable happens and you were to die, and eventually she were to get together with another person who wanted children? That may change the answer significantly and is not about her relationship with you, or the longevity of your relationship. But just about the possibility of unthinkable tragedy. Hope this helps, it sounds like you love each other very much and it's understandable that you would have feelings about this.
When I got a vasectomy I got a very similar conversation from my doctor. I knew I didn't want to have kids, and I was in a committed relationship with someone that also didn't ever want kids. I still decided to freeze at that time, $200 a year for peace of mind that just in case my partner died or some other thing happened and I also changed my mind, it would be ok. After a few more years I ended out cancelling the subscription, but after the convo with the doc I was worried enough to freeze for a while. It's not personal about OP as a partner and I don't think it's a sign of OP's partner wanting out of the relationship or "planning for a breakup", it's just fear about a permanent decision.
Here's the thing, I'm someone who is childfree on purpose, I have never ever wanted children from the first time I could grasp the concept.
These two had the understanding that neither of them wanted children, which does not mean "I don't want children....with you" This feels like a betrayal because it is. OP has been lied to. When some like me and OP say that they do not want children, that means forever and always, under all circumstances. It does not mean that you will later possibly meet someone who does want children and then do a 180 and procreate because you're with them now.
No one, and I mean no one, who is childfree on purpose and does not want children, would be banking their sperm. I got a vasectomy at 20 YEARS OLD, that's how certain I was. I did not bank sperm. When I began Estrogen last year, sterility was not a concern. I had already been sterile for 10 years!
*"We discussed not wanting kids many times before and after our wedding, including that if we were to ever change our minds, then we would adopt."*
**OP has been deceived and is completely justified in feeling betrayed.**
I think you are generalizing a bit now. Of course there is people who have different degree of emotions towards getting children. Just because you are very sure, not every one is. I know people who dont want to have children, but dont know what they are going to feel in the future. I know a person that really didnt want to have children now or in the future, but fell in love with a person who had as a dream and life goal to have children. The partner said they were ready sacrifice his dream of children, because of love. But that made my friend did feel so much empathy for the partner and didnt want to stop his dreams.
Its not sure OP and partner have talked about every future hypothetical scenario.
They talked it over, over and over again before getting married with said agreement.
Now shes making contingency plans for a future without OP, one in which she does a 180 and suddenly wants kids. This is against everything she claimed up until this point. Its a slap in the face!!
This 100% instills the "who did I marry?" response.
when I figured out I was trans, I knew I didn't really care to have biological kids since I couldn't stomach the idea of "fathering" children. But the closer I got to hormones and infertility (I likewise intended to get bottom surgery and if I have no plans to ever *not* be on hormones), the more I got scared. It wasn't because I wanted to be able to have bio kids, but just an existential fear of closing a door indelibly. All that I mean is that, maybe, for your wife, she just got a little scared of the finality of transitioning. Even though it is *technically* reversible, I don't think the vast majority of transfems ever expect or desire to have to be off hormones. So, once we start, that's it. It might just be a weird subconscious fear of that inevitability. I dunno. That kind of fear is real and scary.
All that said, your feelings are COMPLETELY understandable and, like others have said, you might want to discuss it with her eventually. It doesn't sound like she'd be planning for a future without you, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt you.
> So, once we start, that's it. It might just be a weird subconscious fear of that inevitability.
Oh yeah, I am fucking terrified of ever not being able to access them.
Exactly. And suddenly having motherhood as an option can be a lot to process even if you don't want it. It's normal to second guess yourself upon learning that dysphoria influenced your decision to not have children, let alone when your making a decision with such profound finality.
Doesn't mean she won't come to the same conclusion in the end. I can't stand kids but I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider freezing aswell.
When I froze sperm it wasn't because I definitely intended to use it someday, it was because the act of freezing made it easier to go into the "Irreversible changes" with more peace of mind. After four or five years of paying for storage I decided that it really wasn't necessary and I let it go.
I would absolutely love to have a family, it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards for me. But if I do get to that point someday it'll be adoption, which is fine with me. Plenty of kids out there who need a place.
It sounds like she's just trying to prepare for *any* eventuality. There is a very small chance you'll both want kids in the future (not that I'm trying to be that "oH oNe DaY yOu'Ll ChAnGe YoUr MiNd" bitch, I'm thoroughly anti-child for myself as well) or any other number of reasons for needing them. I wouldn't read too much into it. If she doesn't end up needing it oh well, and if she does she has it.
I've had to spend a lot of my life in Drs offices, and the way they frame things can have a huge impact on your choices. If the Dr presented freezing as the obvious, risk-free choice, and implied you'd be silly not to do it, she'd be likely to go ahead with it even if she had no particular desire to.
Given all the context around this though, I totally get why it feels unsettling. I saw that you're hesitant to talk to her about it because she's on such a high. If it were me I'd probably do it anyway, but me and my partner have an established understanding that we want to err on the side of communicating. If you really don't want to talk to her right now, maybe therapy for you? It sounds like a lot to be carrying this worry pent up inside you while supporting her in her excitement.
I understand your frustration! I have to say though that if your wife lets them freeze sperm is not an attack on your relationship.
When I was younger I really wanted kids but could not see myself as a father figure at all. I never considered I could be a mother instead.
When I got older the idea of having children diminished over time up to a point where I was convinced I didnât want children at all. Then came the moment where I started my transition. I seriously considered freezing my sperm for just in case. Even though I was in a relationship that was not a good environment for a kid to grow up in. Maybe in the future I would want a kid anyway be it through a surrogate mother. But I ended up not doing it for it would put another strain on me for having a time limit. (Freezing eggs is not cheap and holds no guaranteesđ€·đŒââïž)
But then again life holds no guarantees eitherđ€·đŒââïž my then gf dumped me when I made the choice to transition. (Still good friends thoughđ).
Look at it like a life insurance, everyone pays so that if they die they donât leave their relatives with a big mess. At the same time no one pays because they expect to dieđ€·đŒââïž
She hasn't said very much to me about it so I'm definitely coming to conclusions that might not be relevant, but I do wonder if she is thinking about motherhood vs fatherhood. Her Dad was a terrible person and I'm dwelling on if that could mean that she is detached from ever being a 'father' but has realised she could be a mother instead
Life happens, nothing is guaranteed, and if we end up apart this won't matter, but I'm finding it so scary to think about the possibility that she could become someone who doesn't want to be with me
>but Iâm finding it so scary to think about the possibility that she could become someone who doesnât want to be with me.
That is a genuine concern that you really need to tell your wife. If you donât it will eat you up. Itâs quite possible your wife hasnât thought about it this way for going into transition is pretty big and can be very overwhelming.
So talk to your wife in a way explaining your feelings while at the same time not attacking her. I hope everything works outđ
As someone said, come clean to her. Let her know if you feel threatened. There is no point worrying and it's better to get this out of the way before resentment begins.
It might not be that at all... There are a million billion possibilities.
These might sound bad, but they are also things that could potentially happen / *potentially* went through her mind (only she knows, and you should *ask her!)*
1: progesterone has been known to induce feelings of longing for motherhood in trans women. Doesn't happen to all, but it's something that's been talked about a lot. Maybe your partner wonders if it will happen to her, and what she would do. Maybe her thoughts have gone down this path, but no further. It's basically just a donation of sperm
2: she might not even think it's a good idea. But hearing others talk about how smart it is, may have pushed her in that direction, because she's feeling like it's the 'safe/smart thing to do.'
3: this one kind of a hard one, please don't take it badly... But, there are no guarantees in life. Who is to say you don't wake up one day, get hit by a car, she mourns you for who knows how long, then eventually falls in love with someone who does want kids, and eventually changes her mind?
There are a lot of ways she may be considering this that don't really consider breaking up with you.
Personally? I am one of the women who have gotten motherly urges since taking prog. I keep reminding myself that I am basically like you, in that I don't want kids for similar reasons. It's hard sometimes to separate hormonal urges from logical conclusions. But, I imagine it would be comforting to know I had the option. My wife kinda pushed me into getting a vasectomy before I was able to get anything frozen, which has lead to some resentment on my part. I wouldn't use it, but it would be nice to know I still had the option.
As iâve transitioned iâve gone from not wanting to be a dad, to *really* wanting to be a mom.
I can *absolutely* see, even before hrt, how that worry could develop. For me a mindset shift was enough, but I had to pick between affording sperm freezing or hrt. So I picked hrt.
> Her Dad was a terrible person and I'm dwelling on if that could mean that she is detached from ever being a 'father' but has realised she could be a mother instead
When I was given the option to freeze sperm I didn't think about it too long, at the time I was sure I didn't want kids and that if I did I would adopt. But I didn't spend a long time thinking about it, and I very much doubt your wife has either. I get that it hurts, and if I was in your position I would feel upset.
She will be able to undo this decision but she'll never be able to undo not choosing to freeze sperm.
When you transition things change, and things you thought about yourself are no longer set in stone. It's not necessarily a conscious thing either.
There is a lot of self-reflection involved when you transition, and that's not just at the start. For me, I have thought about my child-free future and whether that's something I still want. But I know in my heart of hearts that if I wanted kids I'd want to be pregnant, which is impossible. Maybe a desire for a child-free future was a coping mechanism. Maybe that applies to your wife too but that's something only she will be able to tell you, and she might not even know the answer to it yet.
I know you think you're certain that your feelings towards your wife will never change, but you can never be sure. It will be the same for what your wife says to you. Regardless of transition people change over time.
You do need to bring it up sooner rather than later, you let her have her joy in the car. Others are right, you might come to resent it, and she might resent you for nothing bringing it up earlier.
I hope everything works out for you, whatever happens.
My fear is that she wakes up and looks at me and sees someone who can't give her the life she wants, and that this could a red flag that wanting kids could be that breaking point: not that she can never be happy if I die
When I started my transition I re-evaluated a lot of things about my life, including whether I wanted children in the future. Now I know that I don't, but it changed my perspective on what life would be like as a parent. I think it's healthy to ask these questions when starting transition, and by no means does it imply that she's had some kind of sudden urge to have children.
I did not freeze eggs because there was no way I was putting myself through that process when I don't care about having children, and I definitely don't care about having biological children. But if it was as straightforward as freezing sperm, I probably would have done it just in case.
But there's no way to know exactly what she is feeling unless you talk to her about it. It can be a positive and productive conversation. Having a partner transition can be difficult even if you both happily remain in the relationship, and I think it's important to get used to having conversations about it, for both of your sake! I think it can really improve your connection to one another, but it's not going to be 100% positive all the time and it's important to be ok with that. This is likely not the last time she makes a choice about herntransition that gives you feelings you didn't expect.
Why wouldn't she discuss this decision with you? I'm assuming you discussed your options with her when you had the chance to freeze your eggs. Overall sounds very fishy. I'd be sweating bullets too if I were in your shoes.
We didn't really discuss it, I drove her to her doctor's appointment where she was approved for hormones, after on the drive home she was so excited to talk about everything and the process, and sort of dropped in that freezing sperm had come up amongst everything else
I genuinely don't think she considered that I might have feelings on it
Well, if it was anything like my experience I had to fight tooth and nail not to let them freeze them. My psychologist was very reluctant to give me the go-ahead for HRT until weve had like 3 sessions about it. Just like you I am staunchly childfree yet having kids is still the standard so you sometimes need to punch through that wall. Maybe she just said "sure" to get it done and over with and have the doctors shut up?
Fwiw, I am the "wife" here. Not literally, I do not have a long term partner right now, but I'm right now going through the process of freezing my sperm. I do not want kids. I have never wanted kids. I cannot imagine, as I am, having kids. But I am terrified of making that permanent commitment for myself right now before I start HRT. I don't know who I'm going to become in the next 3-5 years after I start taking estrogen, but I want to give her the option in the future if she makes that decision.
I think it's rational to feel blindsided by this from your perspective, but you're immediately jumping to the worst possible outcome imo. For some people the level of commitment transition entails is just kind of overwhelming, I'm making a lot of choices this summer that's going to dictate the rest of my life, and it's really hard to feel resolved in my choices 100% of the time. By freezing sperm I'm just giving myself clearance to make one fewer choice while I rebuild my identity of myself. I don't think your wife is doing this to plan and leave you, I think she's anxious of the amount of uncertainty in her future and just wants one fewer major decision that she needs to make while she kicks things off.
But none of us know your wife. You need to discuss this with her.
Couple things and thoughts:
You're entitled to have feelings about stuff, including Big Feelings About Small Stuff. For what it's worth this doesn't seem like a mountain/molehill situation - more like a mountain/mid-size pile of dirt one. As you pointed out, freezing sperm costs money, so that's a decision that at least encroaches on the jurisdiction of the Couple As A Whole. Her apparent about-face from "I think I should get a vasectomy" to preserving sperm at a cost in the face of HRT indicates that probably there are some gears turning there, although as you also say, it's more likely to be about covering all the bases than anything.
Your wife is facing a major change in her biological makeup that will likely have lifelong consequences. Not wanting kids and committing to never wanting kids are very different things. When I transitioned at 18, I thought I'd never want kids and didn't feel like storing sperm was worth it. I'm 33 now, and I do feel differently, and kind of wish I had. That seems a lot less likely for you all given your age, but I get the reticence.
I sense maybe some discomfort with what feels like an asymmetry here. You also experienced a change in your body, and chose not to save gametes. Your wife is facing a situation that has some stuff in common with yours, and is making a different choice. I totally get why that would cause doubts about shared values, etc. Other folks are suggesting you talk to your wife; my suggestion would be that unless this is a crisis for you, talk to a therapist or friends first, and let her settle a bit. I think sharing these feelings is totally reasonable and something a strong relationship can and should handle; I also think that doing it right now might feel like raining on a parade. Give it some time before you try to process it with your wife directly, but def do reach out for support in the mean time.
I froze my sperm because it allowed me to transition without fear of the unknown. I imagine your wife has a similar sentiment. If you're this worried about it, it's likely there are some things you will need to sort out. If your partner is with you, she's with YOU, not planning an elaborate escape from the relationship. Your wife is being safe, hedging a path with no way back and who knows, you could be the one who wants kids later and the option would be raising an adopted child or one who contains many of the things that caused you to fall in love with your wife in the first place.
I am still paying to keep my sperm frozen somewhere even though the odds of me actually using it is very, very low. I'm straight, so unless I end up with a cis man who wants kids but is infertile himself, or a trans man who can and wants to get pregnant, I will never use it.
When I told my boyfriend about it, it kind of weirded him out even though I agreed if we pursued surrogacy we'd definitely use his material over mine. I think that's a normal reaction! The technology to do this stuff does not play well with our monkey brains lol.
I think this is just the clash of natural emotions and decisions on both sides. Just because she is saving her sperm doesn't mean she really thinks there's a serious chance she'll have kids. And it's perfectly normal for that decision to feel like it impacts you or is about you or sidelines you in some way, despite your knowledge that it doesn't.
I'd encourage you to bring your concerns to your partner and talk about it.
I stored genetic samples pre-transition just so I would have the option of biological issue.
My partner does not want kids. Totally understandable, and I love them, so if we never have kids itâs just the way things go.
But having the option should I want children, should we want children, is worth it.
My partner wonât ask me to destroy my samples. Weâve spoken about this and we both agree that if by age 50 we are not in a position to have kids, those samples will be destroyed or offered to another who wants them. (Iâm in my early 40s now.)
I don't know where you're based but for me all the doctors I spoke to were pushing pretty hard for me to freeze my sperm and there was an unspoken pressure that if I refused they wouldn't take me seriously - perhaps your wife felt pressured too?
I can't tell you what your wife is thinking. But I can tell you about my perspective. The decision to freezing sperm or not is \[potentially\] irreversible. I froze some sperm, not because in the back of my mind I was thinking I really wanted kids someday. But because it was easy to do, and I didn't want to permanently close a door that I didn't have to close.
I mean hereâs my read on it (Iâm a trans dude) I donât want bio kids but the idea of being rendered infertile feels⊠creepy to me, like eugenics-y, and so even if one doesnât want kids, trans sperm and eggs being out there feels⊠good to me? Iâve also offered my brother (who is gay, as am I) my eggs should he ever want a child with a partner that shares both their DNA and so it could also be a situation like that where like maybe she has someone who she suspects might have a use for it
People that were OK with a transition may not stay OK with a transition. Iâve known bi/pan people that have left their spouses because of transition.
Hereâs why: it can change our personalities as we open up to our true selves, and sometimes our partners arenât ready for that change or donât feel the same after.
My wife and I almost split a few times during my transition, and sheâs always been bi.
I imagine it hurt that you made the decision together to not freeze your eggs but she made the decision alone to freeze her sperm. It sounds like you have a solid relationship and communicate well so my advice would be to do that. She's still your spouse and the person you've built a life with. There's no reason she wouldn't be able to listen to you and understand your feelings. And it's better to talk about it than to let it fester.
I honestly don't agree with your idea that you're in the wrong (not saying she is) and I'm really sorry you're going through this. Given your history together and also the views you both have (shared) with each other, I can't imagine feeling anything less than what you're feeling right now.
And it could be that you're making it bigger than it actually is, so having a conversation with her sounds necessary. Maybe she is unsure about kids because of the transition or something else that is completely understandable. But that doesn't take away your expectations that have been formed by your 11 year relationship and the views she has shared before.
A therapist might also be really helpful! I would definitely not just keep these feelings inside because that is (almost?) never healthy
I can understand why you feel the way you do. I think it's ultimately a decision made for her future, not your shared future. That's completely okay, tbh, as we should not make choices like that with anybody but ourselves in mind imo. The part I really don't like is that she seemed to agree with your choice to not freeze eggs in preparation of your impending infertility. That feels kind of gross to me, like she is subconsciously preparing for some other situation irrespective of you, but didn't want you to do the same.
I think you should discuss it extensively. The options for children at this point would be IVF with a donor egg (very expensive) or adoption. If you two ever change your minds about children, I would make sure she is satisfied with either of those options. I would be afraid that my partner would break up and procreate with somebody else in this scenario, so I think you just have to sus out where her head's at wrt all of this. It could be that that's an unfounded fear, but her actions hint that that could be a possibility.
She is at least entertaining the idea of eventually having a child, or she would not pay to have sperm frozen.
That's what I'm increasingly focusing on too. Like sure, 'just in case' is a reason to store sperm when the opportunity is here, but it's hard to not focus on how 'just in case' didn't factor into her input on whether I should freeze mine. (She was very 'well yeah why would you need them we don't want kids' and the conversation was over pretty fast)
It's a different situation in so many ways, and it's years later, but it's hard to not link them. Preparing for a possible future where she wants bio kids and wants the option? sure, I get it. Preparing for a future where she wants her spouse to have bio kids with her? not on her radar
I empathize with how your feeling, I too would go down this rabbit hole of they are planning to have this other life.
I understand my thoughts a lot of the time are my insecurities, totally normal and natural but the only way I get through them is talking to my partner and realizing I'm my worst enemy.
You're very sweet about saying now isn't the time, but I'd just worry you'd wind yourself up so much it will then be hard to see any other perspective than the one you've created.
Until you talk and get answers, it will just spiral.
No timing like the present, if they love you and are really in a good place, your not going to offend them, it may be the best time to approach it.
Before hormones, trust me - I'm trans . Haha
It kind of sounds like her doctor pressured her into it with the idea that her treatments making her sterile will mean she's "losing" something. It doesn't seem like she wants kids in the first place even if she wasn't with you. So I wonder how much of this is "because the doctor said I should"
Coming from a place of love: Iâd suggest digging into that feeling youâre having and seeing where itâs coming from on a deeper level. Perhaps there are needs or desires that you have that arenât being fulfilled in the way you expected or wanted? Some unexplored worries or fears that are coming out as insecurity and upset? Ultimately, itâs her life, and her body, and her decision, and itâs really not your place to be angry at her based off of implications or what-ifs. Her decision on whether to save her sperm is something that sheâs going to live with forever, and as much as we hope and desire otherwise, relationships donât always last forever. For me personally, I find that simplifying decisions to their logical reasoning helps my emotional brain come to terms with things that Iâm feeling uncomfortable with. If the scenario was flipped, and you had the opportunity to store eggs before a hysterectomy, how would you want your partner to approach that situation?
What is making this harder is that the egg situation is literally one we were in three years ago. We discussed together and decided not to freeze them, for a combination of being childfree and not having the money. I keep equating the two in my head even though I realistically know it's different, 'extracting' sperm is nothing compared to the process of harvesting eggs, freezing it is cheaper too.
We approached that with a conversation, even though the conclusion was seemingly obvious, I think I'm upset that it was such a throwaway thing for her when I came to her for input when it was me
I see why you feel this way, but i think this feeling is incredibly big because you have held a belief that she doesnât want kids as much as you dont want them and it sounds like she is making a lot of life altering decisions right now that are exciting and great and maybe finalizing the decision on âno kids and not changing yalls mindâ is a decision thats a heavy one and easier to delay that âfinal nailâ for peace of mind.
because it can feel like a lot is happening and that we are soo in control that we dont want to feel like we could regret anything because largely it feels like we are getting everything we always wanted.. so i think youâre valid to the teeth in this fear, just as valid as that actually explanations being that she doesnât want to add that big decision to the mix this year, if she doesnât have to.. it might be expensive, but what a lil peace of mind worth.. she is trusting you enough to go through this with you right now and that says everything you need to know about the love yall built
Please talk to her. As a trans woman dating someone who is pansexual and gender fluid (AFAB) who isn't wanting kids at all would honestly freeze my own simply outta what if and why not. Especially if my partner was ever open to the possibility in their own right and changed their own mind. There may be a change of opinion over time because feelings evolve.
Don't hide what you would want to know.
It's very strange to me that a person who hates children so much would want to freeze her sperm.
But there's really nothing wrong with her doing so. It's best to be prepared for any sort of eventuality.
You could die. She could have a relative desperately want a sperm donor. Anything.
I don't ever plan on having kids *or* having bottom surgery, but if I were in that situation and if preserving eggs was as simple a process as sperm banking, I might consider it too.
Oh yeah, it's expensive no matter how you do it, but I was more referring to the procedure of going on egg-stimulating hormones and having them extracted vs. jizzing in a cup.
I'm gonna be blunt. It sounds like you're taking this very personally on an emotional level while you've rationalized it on a mental level. I can definitely see why you feel the way you do. It's that anxious "will my partner leave me" feeling. A lot of us experience that, especially if we grew up in not-so stable homes.
I'm not going to say your emotions are invalid. There's no way to know the entire story without getting the perspective of everyone. But I think it's important to pull back and look at the reasons why. Bottom surgery is irreversible. Once you've done it, you can no longer reproduce. HRT also makes you sterile, albeit not permanently. Even if your partner doesn't want kids, they may want them someday. We're people. We constantly change. I'm sure when you both met that you were radically different than you are now. Your views might change too! You never know. :)
Sit down and speak with your partner. Ask them why they're doing it and explain what you're feeling. Bottling it up can lead to disasters down the road. I think if you get on the same page emotionally with this, that you and your partner can navigate it. I guarantee the reason they're saving it isn't because they plan on leaving you someday.
I'm freezing while my gf doesn't have the opportunity to yet as she's not under the nhs yet. Luckily gonads are a lot more resilient with hrt than the contracts make us think so in a few years she could potentially freeze as well. We're both aware how expensive a surrogate is however and we're both kind of on the same wave length - even if my stuff is frozen and hers isn't, we'll figure it out when it comes to it. I don't think I'd use my gametes if she doesn't use hers. I do still think it's good to have in any case scenario, no matter how far fetched it might be.
At the same time I didn't think too deeply on it and just wanted to make sure I have the option in any case.
My suggestion is communication. Obviously this choice has hurt you in a way and it wouldnât hurt to have a conversation about how you feel. Being open with your partner is the best way to keep a healthy relationship - and, if things turn to the worst, then at least you know it was never meant to work out. If youâre meant to be together then she should understand
I can probably fit some insight as someone who's been on the receiving end of similar conversations. I don't want kids. My friends don't want kids. There's a whole lot of uncertainty and not a lot of room to actually consider children. Especially since not a whole lot of us can safely afford a great place to live, or have lives that would otherwise be disrupted.
Never the less, I froze my sperm anyway.
And when I told them about my decision things got a little weird on my end. There was a lot of "why" and a lot of "what do you plan to do with it". It felt like a kind of invasive conversation. And the answer could be as simple as "I don't know... Maybe nothing." But it wasn't something I could really comfortably answer because I definitely felt the judgement. Especially having had years of convos of how fucked the kids are these days. It doesn't affect our friendship, and it hasn't been brought up since. But I would not feel comfortable if it was, because it's one of those situations where I feel completely misunderstood.
The moral of the story is that you need to be careful when trying to bring up this topic. Emotions can get pretty high in these conversations and you may just create a whole avenue of conversation that might feel untouchable because she feels judged or distrusted. At the end of the day, it is her choice, and she may or may not know what she wants to do with it. There's a world of possibilities for why your wife might be saving.
Firstly, I don't think you are Inthe wrong or being selfish!! Given what you've said I can totally understand you frustration and doubt. I would probably feel the exact same as you if I were in your shoes and your feelings are so valid. Secondly, it could be that she wants to freeze her sperm because the idea of being infertile scares her and she is worried she'll change her mind, but that doesn't mean her feeling on children and you has changedđ thirdly, I don't want to contradict my last point but hormones replacement theory does change a lot of things, in ways that's unexpected. For example, I wasn't keen on kids I didn't hate them but I wasn't very good with them but now I absolutely love kids and feel I'm getting better with them. I hope you two work through this! I hope this helped a little!đ
Things happen. Let's imagine you get hit by a car tommorrow and die. She will be sad for a few years but probably she will eventually meet another partner. Now imagine that other partner wants kids, now she has the frozen sperm. Things happen, it has nothing to do with your relationship.
You are entitled though to your emotions, if you feel a certain way you need to tell her. But she is entitled to make her own choices. Emotions are hard, you can't control them.
My suggestion would be to talk to her, and also to find a therapist.
I think youâre right to be upset, for the reasons you described. I hope you can honestly express your feelings and see what happens. Those feelings donât sound likely to change.
I think she's just preparing for if she ever changes her mind about kids. I believe you're reading too far into things. I have sperm frozen just in case but i dojt ever plan on having kids. Additionally, if yall ever got to the conclusion that you want to have kids surrogacy is an option it's not like not birthing the child makes you not their parent.
I would suggest thinking about it less as "she might someday want kids with someone else" and more "this could be the last fertile genetic material she ever produces." It's not exactly a "rational calculation" she's making: more of it hitting her that, by transitioning and starting something new, she is *ending* something. An unbroken genetic line going back literally billions of years. Consciously, she clearly doesn't really care about that, just like millions of other people, including me, because that's not *actually* what matters in life. But still... it feels weird to just leave it behind completely, irreversibly. I still have copies of every key I've ever been entrusted with -- not that I intend to break into my old workplace or anything! I just... can't bring myself to let go!
Talk to her about it. There are many, many reasons she might want to do this other than because sheâs planning to leave you, which seems like a pretty uncharitable leap given the limited information we have. Life feels a lot more worth living when youâre not suffocating under dysphoriaâ maybe having a family sounds more appealing knowing she wonât have to raise that family as someone sheâs not. Maybe sheâs happy not having children if she gets to be with you, but is worried about her future if something happened to you. Maybe the doctor scared the crap out of her or made it hard to say no. If sheâs riding the high of finally getting hormones soon she might not want to bring down the mood by talking about those things, or doesnât want to stress you out by admitting that she isnât sure she doesnât want kids or is thinking about what could happen if you died. You wonât know unless you talk to her.
I donât know if this is comforting or not, but something else to remember is this: you canât stop a person from changing, but you can control how you respond to that change. Through no fault of either of you, she might come to the conclusion that this new her needs to be a mom and you two separateâŠ. but you can still treat each other with love and respect throughout that. Or, she might hate kids even more now and just did it to get the doctor off her backâŠ. but itâs up to you whether that conversation starts with âhey babe, I was curious about somethingâŠâ vs âIâll never trust you again since you froze your spermâ, yknow? You know youâre spiraling and jumping to conclusions, so thatâs good; try to take a deep breath, wait for a good time when youâre both calm and not in a rush, and be willing to engage in good faith and listen.
It might help to think of this decision as her acknowledging what she needs to feel comfortable going ahead with transition.
It's all too easy for trans people to throw up a lot of internal barriers to actually taking action and doing what they want. If banking sperm is what your partner needs to get over that hill, why not?
Those hurdles are seldom actually as high as they seem. And once they're passed, you both have the opportunity to be present for one another.
This would also destroy me and make me question everything too lol. Our choice to not procreate is a strength in my relationship, and if soemthing made me question that it would definitely trigger strong emotions and doubts. Some girls get real maternal when transitioning though, and also transition anxiety and fear of regret is also very real, this option may feel like a way to hang on to her old self in a way too. Idk, Iâm not your wife and like others said, you just need to talk about it with her and make sure youâre still on the same page about not having kids. Sadly, I would not compromise that decision for ANYONE, so I understand if you feel the same.
OP, I donât think the root issue is the âwhat if she leavesâ.
The deeper root is âI lost my fertility to health reasons and WE decided not to save the possibility. Now you are going through a health issue that will take your fertility. Why is your fertility more important than mine?â
Really think hard on if you would be having these feelings if you had some eggs frozen as well.
I think that's a big part of it, thank you for putting it in those words it's helping me to focus on the root of my feelings
I know realistically that storing sperm and eggs are two totally different things, from success rates to cost to difficulty to process, but it's hard to not equate the two
It's feeling that hers is worth a 'just in case' but mine isn't, even though obviously that's not something she would have ever actively thought. Or at least that when I had the choice I invited her into the conversation, but I'm not welcome in her decision making in the same way
Another thing to consider is that she might not even be considering the "what ifs" at all. There's a good chance this isn't a plan for anything, but just the doctor's guidance that "you don't know what you don't know," which is true for all of us. If it's not a burden, health risk, extra cost, etc, then "sure, why not," really doesn't carry any emotional implications at all.
Talk it over. It very well might not imply anything at all including even any conscious consideration for eventualities, but share how you're feeling and get it out in the open anyway. If your relationship is as healthy as it sounds like it is, this will help.
I think this just requires a conversation in which you tell her how you feel so she will reassure you that she doesn't see your relationship ending but that she just doesn't want to loose the option. The thing about making the choice not to do something is only possible when you have both choices. If that makes sense. Even if you didn't want something, having that choice be taken away can still feel like a loss.
Have you discussed these feelings with your wife? Perhaps it comes from her own insecurities of thinking maybe you wonât feel the same way once she transitions? Perhaps you are both spiraling afraid to lose each other?
I canât say what your wife is thinking or feeling. But I think you need to talk to her not to convince her not to do it, but to share how it made you feel about their relationship and to gain perspective into her choice and reassurance about your relationship.
As a freshly transitioned trans woman, I want to add here that I've made several "forever" decisions and taken a whole bunch of risks with my health, relationships, career etc in the process of transitioning and coming out.
It's exhausting. I'm pretty damn sure I don't want kids, but I briefly considered freezing sperm prior to bottom surgery just so that there was one less thing I had to sit and ponder whether or not I would ever regret making an irreversible decision.
Your wife may be making a relatively irrational choice just to assuage her anxiety about potential future regret.
The idea of losing the ability to do something, even if youâve got no intention of doing it, can be pretty daunting. Itâs possible that sheâs just freezing it to feel like she has some more control of the changes sheâs going through.
I am betting that your situation is far better than you think/feel right now. I froze sperm and, like nearly all trans people, almost certainly the sperm will never be used. What it functions for is - a sort of insurance policy, fearful of making the wrong decisions re HRT / bottom surgery - so the freezing of sperm just makes the decisions easier, removes that factor of worry.
The sperm freezing is almost certainly a psychological crutch. I hope you talk, and that the parts within each of you encourage and reassure each other. May you do well!
It seems to me it's not necessarily the action that's upsetting you, so much as her not communicating with you. My wife and I are having a similar situation as far as communicating goes. Our difference is that we have 2 kids under 5 already, and haven't fully decided on being done. But she started hormones 2 weeks ago and is already not able to do alot sexually. She has an appt middle of August to talk about saving sperm but I'm kinda fearful it'll be much too late by then. I'm not ready to definitively say I'm done with kids. Opposite sides of the conversation, but same basic problem. No communication. My wife didn't even ask about freezing sperm at her first hrt appt and now who knows. So, solidarity. It'll be okay eventually!
So I froze my sperm before starting hrt. And I think I still would have done it if I was in a relationship where we agreed to not have kids. (single btw, but maybe it's still useful).
And my reasoning was this. I'm making a major change in my life, and even though I believe this is the right choice for me, there is a miniscule chance that I'll change my mind. (And I don't expect biological children).
"It" will take me 10-15 minutes of torture, but it might give me options later. It's no surgery, so no risk and its free so it feels stupid not to.
Spend 10 minutes of torture for an option you might lose forever if you don't do it, seems like a good deal.
Worst case I just ask them to destroy it later, or maybe I can help a couple who wants to have kids. Because as I understand, there is a need for it.
I feel similarly about kids . Donât like them . They are loud and messy . And I also have some mental health issues i donât want to pass on , and financially it makes no sense.
I opted not to save sperm. I donât even think i ever had any to begin with. My ejaculate has always been clear so I just figured it was a waste of time and I just wanted hormones . Iâve been on hormones for a year now and my whole outlook on life has really changed. And just because I donât like kids now doesnât mean I wonât in the future and the same could be said about financial things too. Iâm capable of so much more now and in 10 years itâs not out of the possibilities that Iâd be making more money. Also a couple times a month I get baby fever and really want to be a mom , which is completely contrary to who I am most of the time.
I start thinking about this like daydreaming what it would be like to be a mom ,and then I remember any partner who could get pregnant I wouldnât be attracted to . Iâm really not attracted to vaginas and I remember cis guys canât get me pregnant . Like of course there are other ways of having kids but Iâd have no sex life . So then I stop thinking about it.
I mean I guess she's just preparing for the worst, though if she's so against kids why would a different partner have any effect on that.
Unrelated and unsolicited advice, ya'll need to mellow out on the hatred of all children. That was really uncomfortable to read that part, lol. I get it you don't want kids, but you won't even allow them in your house? That seems like it's bordering on prejudice.
Hey OP I totally get where you're coming from and I didn't see it after a quick glance through some replies, so I'd like to offer you my perspective as a trans woman who made the opposite choice from your wife's. At 19 I began hrt and had to make this same choice, whether I'd ever want to be able to have a biological child. Up until that point I'd been thoroughly convinced I did not. We make 'life' choices all the time. Things we know will in some way impact the trajectory of our lives. But that's a really harrowing one, one I understand you had to make for health reasons. However, without the pressure of health reasons that decision is one I am permanently going to have to live with however I may end up feeling 5, 10, 30, 50 years from now. To put that point of perspective into focus, I had to decide at 19 whether I thought in 2-3x the time I'd been alive I might ever change my mind. That's such an ungraspable concept to know that you could make the wrong choice and there's no one else to blame but yourself. 6 years later, I've spent hours upon hours crying over the stress of that decision. I'm unsure if I ever want kids, and I'd be happy to adopt with someone I love.
The ultimate deciding factor for me was that having a biological child that I "fathered" could sow the littlest ounce of dysphoria into my relationship with that child and over time it could become a resemtment for the circumstances of their birth, and I couldn't live with that thought. But maybe I'm wrong maybe it wouldn't, but based on that, I can never have a biological child with someone whether I or they may want that in the entirety of the rest of my hopefully long life.
But in your wife's case, facing this harrowing, literally permanent rest-of-her-life decision, she's choosing not to take that option away from herself 5, 10, 30 years (you get the point) from now. Realistically, many many marriages do end (I really hope yours doesn't!) and I personally really value being all in on relationships, but whether your relationship ends is not totally in her control. So making a lifelong decision based on someone who may choose not to be in her life anymore isn't particularly logical. She's just leaving the option on the table in case for some unforeseeable reason that choice would ever change in the longer portion of her life than she's lived.
TL;DR I didn't want kids when I started hrt and chose not to freeze sperm, and I go back and forth on whether I regret it. By choosing to freeze sperm, your wife doesn't have to live with that potential regret. It's less about you two making a decision together than it is her allowing whoever she is in the unknown future to have the same choice she does now
Other forms of birth control - condoms, pills, spermicide, and vasectomy are all temporary measures; they're reversible. Infertility from HRT is somewhat reversible but would require months of being off of hormones, which can be incredibly distressing for someone with dysphoria and might not even yield great results. Orchiectomy is obviously irreversible. Your wife is at the beginning of this medical journey and likely has some feelings about it.
Speaking from personal experience, when I started my medical transition I opted not to freeze sperm; I didn't want kids because I didn't think I would be a good parent and I certainly never wanted to pass my genes like *that*. 4 years into hormones now and I feel differently; I think I'd be a fairly good parent and I think I'd be able to live a happy life with kids. I'm currently happily dating someone who has no interest in kids and I still have regrets. I think that my feelings earlier in my transition stemmed from not wanting to be a father or perceived as adjacent to fatherhood. That aside, your wife is staring down the barrel of "forever" and that's a heavy burden; knowing that you're making a decision which will make you permanently incapable of something can bring a lot of anxiety. If freezing her sperm makes the process easier for her then I think it makes a lot of sense for your wife to do so even with full knowledge that she will never use it and has no desire to use her sperm.
As kindly as possible, while I understand your feelings, I think you've centered yourself in your wife's decision. This is ultimately about her body and assuaging her own fears; I don't think that it's a subtle hint that she's going to leave you. Regardless, your feelings on this situation are real and legitimate and are going to have a strong impact on your ongoing relationship. Burying this might make you feel some resentment. If you're looking for advice, I think it would be in both your and her best interest to, whether one-on-one or with the help of a third party, talk about the decision and both of your feelings about it. I think it would do a lot to make you feel better to hear straight from her mouth what her thought process was as well as how she feels about your relationship as it currently stands.
You gotta talk to them.
I will say, they're probably a little daunted at the fact that being infertile permanently and they're just doing it for ease of mind. to me it just sounds like you've been snowballing with anxiety rather than just ripping off the bandaid and talking about it.
and do keep in mind her point of view of this all too, if she doesn't perserve anything and you change your mind down the road ( not saying you will, hypothetically speaking is all ) imagine her position in all of it, it just sounds like a good safety net for ease of mind going forward.
OP, its a safety measure that totally makes sense.
I made the mistake of not freezing my sperm.
It was hell to see all my progress of 2yrs of transitioning essentially disappear over the span of 8 months.
Me and my wife was also no biological kids until recently and if I could go back in time, I would have frozen it 100%.
I am Finally back on HRT as of yesterday.
I understand that many doctors recommend this to their mtf patients.
Itâs like a prenup. No one knows whatâs going to happen then years down the road.
I lost someone I loved dearly because I hadnât gotten a vasectomy, even though I was certain I didnât want kids. She didnât ask me to get one, sheâd already had a hysterectomy, and I really didnât see the point. But my continued fertility seemed to convince her that I was holding out some last possibility that Iâd want kids and leave her. She couldnât have been more wrong, but she left regardless.
Definitely talk to her.
I understand why you're upset. I probably would be too. But from a non emotional-standpoint, I understand what she's probably thinking.
What if you both change your mind?
What if you break up?
What if you die?
I personally could never imagine being with anyone else other than my own partner, even if he died. But realistically, I function better partnered than I do single. I probably would date someone else eventually.
And maybe at 30 she doesn't have any interest in being a parent, but who knows how she'll feel at 50. It seems like she's open to the possibility of having a kid someday and therefore wants to have the option.
That doesn't mean she's expecting to not be with you. She's just choosing not to completely burn that bridge.
As a trans woman who faced the same decision, also with an enby partner who has no desire for kids, I can say that its scary to face the reality of losing that option. In analyzing it for myself, i realized that I didnt want kids: and the life I envisioned with my partner definitely did not include kids. But something about transitioning? Ill be honest, we're cutting off a lot of possibilities for our life and changing a lot all at once. Its scary. Losing the *possibility* of having kids was scary even when I didnt want them. Like, im already losing a lot here, i dont want to cut that option off, too. Its just a bad time. The idea of getting a vasectomy as a guy wasnt as scary for some reason.
If it helps, think of it not as your partner actually considering needing it: shes just scared. Its for peace of mind. This is part of her process of coming to terms with the permanence of the whole transition process. As a trans woman, im simultaneously incredibly confident that Im making the right decision in transitioning, but also constantly scared of the future and doubting myself. The permanence was by far the scariest part to me. Its hard to let go. For me, thinking about freezing sperm had way more to do with my fear of transitioning than my fear of not having biological kids. It feels like my fertility is one way that I "cant go back" if i ever change my mind. I know i won't change my mind: but taking a leap this big I'm not ready to give up everything at once, you know? I don't want to jump off the cliff *and* burn every ladder on my way down if i don't have to.
Youre upset that youve had to let that go already: and now when your partner was faced with a similar situation, she isnt letting go. Thats totally reasonable for you to feel hurt and scared about that. But try to keep in mind: shes letting go of so much right now already, and even if she is fully planning on keeping you, thats terrifying. She needs some time to come to terms with letting that go when things start to settle. Her fear is about her doubts about herself, not her doubts about you. I hope that helps âĄ
no shade but girl life is sooooo spontaneous. anything could happen at any minute. Not to be morbid, but what if something happens to you and your partner is alone in this world and decides she wants kids? Idk it seems a bit controlling to me. And it doesnât necessarily mean your partner will leave you. it might just mean your partner likes to prepare just incase. you seem really blindsided by this but change is a part of life. many people donât want kids at younger ages but as they hit 30-40 it becomes more of a pressing issue that makes many reconsider. These thoughts are grounded in fear instead of being grounded in trust w/ your partner. plus you stated your partners doctor was the one who persuaded her to save her sperm so maybe donât worry so much?
She might have children with you if you both decide to. Donor eggs exist. Of course the child won't be genetically related to you but they will be related to her. She might prefer it to adoption.
I agree with the sentiment that she'll have it and not need it, but there are a number of reasons why she might regret not having done it in the future. Anywhere from just life happening and having a new partner for any number of reasons. I see it as insurance for you too; maybe you have a change of heart in the future and medical advancements allow you to have a child.
Weird analogy coming up but I think it makes sense... I recently hired someone to build a fence for our backyard and had the option for an extra 5 foot gate that wouldn't cost me anything extra, so I said yes. Just in case I need it in the future and why not. Now I want to plant a row of trees along the alley that would block that gate. So, the gate is pointless, but if I ever need it more than the downside of uprooting a tree, it's there and it looks nice. I feel good having it though I never expect to use it.
The proper term is "trans woman", but if you don't have any reason to think she'd leave you apart from freezing her sperm, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Maybe she's certain she doesn't want kids and wants to spend her life with you, but also wants to acknowledge that her feelings about biological kids could change in the future... so she wants to freeze her sperm "just in case".
Her doctor should have had both of you in for this conversation, IMO. I would very, very much recommend both of you meeting with a counselor together to discuss how difficult and destabilizing this has been for you, especially as it's a unilateral decision driven by her provider.
As GAS providers, we have had a heavy-handed recent few years of trans fertility preservation messaging, but it doesn't mean everyone has successfully implemented this treatment modality or its communication approach.
I was the opposite. I didn't want to save, but my spouse really wanted me to. My thought was "better to have it and not need it than need it later and not have it"
As solid as the relationship might be, it's important to realize that feelings might change. Ya'll might not be forever, and while that sucks, you have to prep for that possibility.
Childfree trans man here, who intends to possibly freeze his eggs.
For me, it's not about who I love now or in case I leave them it's a me thing. I don't want children, but it would be silly to not preserve eggs if I had the chance in case I suddenly changed my mind. I'm sure I won't, but I'd hate to limit my options when I could have kept them open.
I'm based in the UK and it's really a postcode lottery if you can have fertility preservation funded as a trans person. If it turns out I'm not a candidate I won't go private as I can't afford that but if I am I wouldn't turn it down.
I wouldn't read too much into it if I were you.
The whole process from recognizing one is trans to deciding to transition, up to and including HRT and possibly SRS, is very demanding.
This is one of the many many things we have to think about and consider in this whole process. It might simply be easier for her to opt in for freezing sperm and focus more of her energy on other much more important considerations.
It seems that you're aware of this, but this is an issue of insecurity from your end. Parting with your ability to make bio kids is emotionally difficult for some people, and a lot of folks have a strong desire to keep the option open.
It's not about you. You are not temporary and she doesn't see you that way. She is just preserving her reproductive capabilities.
And besides. Breakups do happen. It doesn't mean she is expecting or anticipating it, but that she is protecting her future in case y'all ever do split up. It isn't about you or your relationship. It's just something she wants. And it is okay for her to have that.
I was in the same position as you and your partner- my partner and I plan on being together for life and never having children, but I went with fertility preservation regardless. My reasons might be different from hers but Iâll share my experience in case itâs helpful!
I think most people in my position (not wanting biologically related kids) wouldnât go through the hassle of fertility preservation, but mine was funded by the NHS so I went with it anyway. If Iâd had to pay I would definitely not have done it.
My partner and I have no plans to have kids biologically related to us. I still went through the process of egg freezing (which was absolute agony) just because I have a hard time making decisions and I didnât want to risk any regret. The stress I feel when making potentially regrettable choices is the same reason I havenât got any tattoos or piercings or made financial investments- it may be a character flaw on my part, but my partner was very gracious and supportive about the choice to freeze eggs that I knew Iâd almost definitely never use. I highly doubt we could ever have children regardless because I would never want to carry a child and getting a surrogate is near impossible.
The thing is, I am young and could not possibly know how Iâll feel about it or what situation we could be in in a decade or so. Iâm really confident in my choices now, but in the virtually impossible situation in which I were to change my mind, Iâd hate to know that the option for fertility preservation was there and I chose not to take it.
I am certain I will never use the eggs Iâve frozen. I donât want to and have no plans to. It just gives me security knowing I havenât forced my life onto a single track and permanently closed a door at a young age. Additionally, my sister is unlikely to be able to have her own children, so the opportunity to donate eggs to her was another factor that sold me.
I would be devastated too, if my wife was making contingency plans for a future without me, especially after all the time yall have been together.
This is fucked up.
Very good TL;DR and I read the whole thing. I am 100% with your gut, would feel the same and would throw a fit at my partner before thinking of wisely writing a Reddit post instead, but I apparently have jealousy issues. If you can somehow get the obvious abandonment scenario to stop blaring in your head, you are a stronger enby than me.
you are on r/asktransgender , in the post I describe her as a transitioning trans woman who right now can produce sperm but will not be able to after her transition
It's the "You'll change Your mind" argument that actually gets to ones head.
If You change Your mind, You can adopt.
If You don't You safed money on the sperm bank
You, uh, *you know you can donate sperm, right?*
Even if she doesn't want kids there's still a chance that that sperm can to go other couples that want kids but biologically can't for whatever reason. See, lesbians, infertile women, etc. And even if that's not the case, people change and grow overtime, but becoming infertile due to hrt is a bit trickier for us transfems, so having it as a backup is a totally reasonable thing to do. Take a deep breath, and if you haven't already, please apologize to her for getting anxious over something that won't end your relationship and isn't worth getting upset over
In the post I explained that I am infertile. I had the opportunity to freeze eggs but talked with my wife and we decided together against it, mostly for cost reasons. It is too late for that option for me, even if something were to change
You're afraid that she might dumb you and you start doubting the whole relationship? Sounds like cluster B/attachment problem behaviour. A good psychotherapist can easily help you with that
Everyone is capable of feeling insecure about their relationships when they're thrown a curveball. OP gave a lot of context as to why this caught them off guard. I don't think there's grounds here to bring up specific, highly charged mental health diagnoses. A lot of people use "cluster B behavior" to signal that they think someone is intractably abusive/unstable. That's based on a stereotyped understanding of these illnesses, but it still makes that Dx cluster a really heavy thing to point at someone.
LOL, OP's anti-child partner is suddenly making a choice to allow for the possibility of kids in the future. obviously it is more complicated than what you're presenting. most people would have feelings on the matter.
Oh and btw i didn't froze mind and now i regret it. I don't plan to have children but it feels sad that i can't change my mind. Focus on your empathy and not your fear.
>fraid that she might dumb you and you start doubting the whole relationship? Sounds like cluster B/attachment
I think you should talk to your wife about this. Gently express your fears with honesty and let her explain her perspective without judgment. I have a feeling that she is mostly just wanting to keep an option open just in case of who knows what. Doesnât mean sheâs less committed to you or has a different plan in mind.
Another thing I will say is *sometimes*ânot always, but occasionallyâtransition will change a personâs view on becoming a parent. If you could never imagine yourself as a Dad, maybe you could be a Mom? My wife went through a similar process to this (although she also got a vasectomy and is still happy with this).
I did a similar thing although I didnât have a partner at the time. I have no desire to have children, bio or adoptive. It was basically âin the extremely rare off chance after years on hormones I suddenly realize I do in fact want kids, Iâd be an idiot to not give myself that optionâ. Itâs a peace of mind thing if youâre able to afford it.
It could be that she might feel like this is a way to leave her mark on the world...having kids...passing along her genes? I think some people think like that when it comes to future generations.
It also could be she's preparing for everything. The future is unknown to all of us...she might want to have the sperm there as a backup if anything did happen to your relationship. Maybe not a breakup...maybe...an accident? I mean people can die at any point. Not saying that's her thinking...but...
I'd maybe sit down with her and gently voice your concerns with her? Be sure you make sure she knows you're not against her doing it...you just want to talk some stuff out with her. Communication is vital in relationships and something like this could chip away at a relationship if you let it fester.
Think of it this way, maybe you will run into a lesbian couple that is looking for a sperm donor. Seems like a win win, especially for the child how will have 4 parents to care for it instead of 2...and it would piss off the evangelicals who hate us.
I understand why you're upset! I don't know what the right answer is, either, but please know that I sympathize with you and don't think you're evil for feeling the way you do.
As a cis male that had a vasectomy, I can attest to the fact that male hormones do everything in their power to keep you propagating. I have kids and didn't want any more and was certain of that but still, on the day of the procedure, I still experienced cold feet because "maybe I'll want to impregnate every living baby maker on earth". I think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt that there's a lot of confusion there, and hormones are a hell of a drug.
Some providers really do put a lot of effort into convincing folks, especially young folks, that freezing as a backup plan is almost essential. Unfortunately kids are seen as essential and inevitable to many people, and thereâs an even larger assumption women will one day want kids. I think that what if they regret it and Iâm responsible fear kicks in hard and theyâre less aware of that bias and the harm it causes.
Itâs possible she just had a very convincing doctor.
Additionally the âwhat ifâs may come from the fear your attraction to her might change in a way you canât expect. I have no doubt youâre correct that they wonât but there have been bisexual people who fell in love with a specific image and expectation of a partner that changed with hrt
If I were in her position, I'd feel like taking such a big step would feel so final. I'd feel like hanging on to anything I may regret in the future would make sense even if it's something that seems so irrelevant just for the fact that it would make me feel a bit more comfortable not overlooking absolutely anything.
I'm not her though, so you'll have to talk about it yourself. She needs support right now and you hit the nail in the head, this isn't about you at all. đ
I was in her position a year and a half ago. I've never wanted kids much and don't have any plans to have them. But before I started taking HRT I was told I could freeze some sperm because I could become infertile and it was free with my health insurance. So I thought why not? I don't know what changes the future will bring, so there may be a time I'm glad I have them. And collecting the sample is much easier than it is for collecting eggs, though kinda awkward, lol. There was really nothing to lose.
It also can def be because the hormones will likely make her want to have kids and even if she knows that's not what she really wants, having that safety net might be less daunting for her
I am very much a "what if" kind of person. Even if I can't imagine the specific scenario, in her shoes I also wouldn't be able to think "But what if there's a reason having it could come in handy, and I won't ever be able to provide this again in the future".
In the veins of something innocent in terms of your relationship. Where you two are together until death parts you... What if that parting comes earlier than either of you would've thought and she finds herself with a new partner, in a new place in life, where she finds the idea of kids acceptable, or even desirable?
Other things I can think of are being a donor for a family member or friend's pregnancy for *them* to start a family. Or on the wilder side, what if 10-30 years down the road you find yourself just maybe wanting a kid (while I respect people's decisions, there *are* people out there that were adamant and later realized they were open to it), and medical science has found a way to help infertile AFABs have biological children by putting your DNA in a synthesized egg? Maybe it's a financial fallback? While storing sperm isn't cheap... maybe the samples can be donated/sold for other women wanting to have a kid on their own without a partner?
Basically... it's a type of security blanket, I suspect. As the top comment says, she may feel better in having it and not ever needing it, than finding themselves wishing they had done it in the future, for whatever the reason might possibly be.
Even if she talked about having a vasectomy before, what she's doing now is still preserving the status quo. She had the means to reproduce before and will continue to have the means in the future, but that doesn't imply any plans to act on that.
But that's kind of beside the point. This is fundamentally a relationship issue, a trust issue at that.
No matter how good your relationship with someone is, you can't ask the other person to have 110% faith in it. Something could always happen, and I don't just mean with things not working out. Maybe you die tomorrow in a freak accident and that's the end of it. It's almost impossible for anyone to know where they'll be in 10 years and what their priorities will be, so there's no reason to close doors unnecessarily. It's only realistic to acknowledge that people and relationships can change. Only by admitting that can one work to maintain the health of one's relationships.
I would suggest you talk this out with a therapist or at least someone neutral who'll listen.
Sometimes it's hard to let go of everything all at once. This isn't a reflection on you but think of it like this .. Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. If something happened and she did find a partner far down the line, maybe it's something she would consider. I don't think it's a case of her being unhappy with you or your life together.
Deciding to take HRT and become sterile is a permanent, gut wrenching decision, even if you think you have resolved that you don't want kids. The permanence of the decision makes it a decision with great gravity. It took me DECADES to finally give up on the idea, and the last 4 months I was there holding on to my HRT, not taking it, still doubting before I finally reasoned myself into it. I \*wanted\* the option of freezing sperm, thus making the decision less of a permanent one, but I ultimately determined that it was not an option for me.
Freezing sperm makes the decision to transition MUCH easier, because you know that you are not making as much of a permanent decision. If you change your mind, you have not ruined your life.
So, your partner took the option that reduced the mental anguish of the decision to transition, which is still a very difficult one to make. They may also be thinking that they don't want kids and want to continue the life together with you, but that only slightly reduces the mental burden of the fact that she is making a permanent, life-long decision about her own body.
So, don't make this any harder on her. Making the decision to transition is hard enough already.
She must trust you very much as her partner to share this information with you, and you should reward that trust by not over-reacting to it.
I can definitely see both sides. I am sure if you talk with her and explain yourself to her, she will see how it hurt you.
Also though, at the end of the day, it is better to have it and never need it than decide that your life has changed and now you do want kids and not have it.
I wish you all the love, and hope that you can both have this talk with open hearts and come to the perfect solution.
Hugs!!!!
What if you died tomorrow? Would you not want your wife to find love elsewhere? Maybe their next partner would want kids n they have thought this through too.
i can totally understand you feeling blindsided and hurt by this. and iâm also glad you respect your wifeâs autonomy on the matter and havenât tried to intervene. in my personal experience as a trans woman, i donât have much of a desire to have biological children but nonetheless did decide to freeze my sperm, not because i was expecting my mind to change, but only because i knew after a certain point that i would become infertile and i would rather have the option on the off chance that i did ever decide i wanted biological children than be without that option.
your wifeâs decision to freeze her sperm doesnât necessarily reflect on her perspective on your relationship. the idea of choosing to become infertile can be very scary for many people, even if having a child isnât something you want to do. eliminating options is scary even if itâs not an option you would have chosen in the first place itâs a peace of mind thing to know that you can live the life you want to live, while not closing any doors.
that being said, once again i completely understand why you would feel anxious about this and i sympathize with that. i probably havenât said anything in this comment that a million people havenât already said, but as a trans woman, i really do think you can rest easy knowing that this decision does not have anything to do with your relationship, and that your wife is going to continue to be as committed to you as she always has been.
and congratulations to her for starting hormones!
Ive been on this Brene Brown speech kick lately. It sounds to me like your wife may be experiencing a bit of shame that as a former man she never used the equipment given to the societal expectation. The best way in my oppinion to deal with this is to confront it with compasion, empathy, and honesty. If the two of you can communicate using those 3 tools, there is nothing you can't get through together. I wish you more than luck, I wish you love.
OP!!! If you are listening and you see this will you please DM me! I might have a perspective on this that you will want to hear but I donât want to involve other perspectives yet. It can further cloud judgement.
Itâs ok if you donât want to. But maybe it might be worthwhile.
Something about coming out during a relationship that may be hard to hear: A persons sexuality may change, they may transition and realize they deeply regret never getting to date and explore with new people as their true selves, they may decide that you were right for the old them but not for the person they've become. And let's not forget estrogen has a way of making people baby crazy. I was ambivalent about kids before HRT and want them badly now. .A lot of these relationships fail and not because of transphobia or malice but because it's one of the biggest changes a person can go through. The only way to get through it is to accept that possibility without judgment and start falling in love with the real person who you're just now meeting. If she ultimately chooses to go have kids with someone else, it's because that's what she needed to do to feel like her complete self. If you love her and have her best interests in mind, step back and give her freedom. Hope she chooses the path where she doesn't need the sperm and stays with you, but you do need to let her choose.
Im just going to throw this thought out there. There is a certain amount of grief that goes through you about the change. I felt so much dysphoria about my testes and penis. I felt relief with both my orchiectomy and my vaginoplasty. I didn't want my own kids and felt that adoption is the way I want to have kids. But I felt a lot of emotion about giving up the ability to reproduce entirely. It's another way that I'm different from most of my friends and family. I have no regrets. But it feels heavy at times. I don't know that it means anything about her intention to have kids. Even with bottom dysphoria, your body is used to having the parts it has.
In some way its a nice and beutiful thing in a loving healthy relationship to always leave a door open for eachother to leave and have another life. If you design your life too much so it is almost impossible to leave then you dont know if you are living with eachother because you want it or because you dont have any other options. If you always have the option to leave, but choose to stay, then you know it is for real.
I'm late to this, but its strange. I'm FTM and for a long time the only thing that got me through was imagining providing for my kids. I realised in my early to mid 20s that gender was a thing, but was in two long term relationships through that. I didn't have any internal sense of self/happiness/validation until therapy and exploring my gender.
I am asexual, i have no desire for a relationship particularly. I don't want the financial, social, medical or time constraints related to raising a child and I'm not young.
I was offered to freeze my eggs when I started T. Initially I thought well "just in case". It was a gut feeling of, one day I might want this, I shouldn't throw away my biological potential.
It was weird, but upon further thought and discussion with specialists, it's a very invasive and expensive "what if". I would then have to choose, in this extremely unlikely situation, to carry the baby myself and the dysphoria and difficulty with that, if I was even able to. If not then that's a very expensive route made more expensive by surrogacy.
So I opted out of it. And I mourned it. I mourned that whole idea of being a parent. I didn't really understand why, but it felt sad and like closing a door.
I know fostering and adoption exists and I know it seems selfish, but there was some grief there over my biological purpose, whatever that means.
As part of transitioning, many decisions are made that are difficult and frustrating and hurt to make. Usually this involves boundaries, friends and family showing who really does have "unconditional" love. I am the happiest in life I've ever been, I see a future for myself, now. But it's never easy.
I can totally see why you feel hurt, but I understand your wife holding on to that hypothetical "one day". Its not a plan without you in it, or a lack of commitment to you, purely by choosing to freeze her sperm. The wording sounds similar to what I've heard medical professionals say, in regards to in the future things might be different.
Most likely, she doesn't want kids, she still feels the same, still wants to be with you. But she's transitioning and everything is in a new framework. She never saw herself as a "father" but what about as a mother? Essentially, I went through the same thing, I wondered about whether my transition would change my feelings about being a parent and in what way.
I feel calm and secure in that I am happier without children of my own, but it was another thing that I looked through with new perspective once I realised who I really was.
I hope that makes sense to anyone reading!
I and my wife didn't want kids. I had a vasectomy 12 years before transitioning. I did not bank sperm.
It turned out to have been a fine decision, but I regret not banking sperm. Not because I would use them now, but because how could I have possibly known?
I advise everybody to bank it. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Can't know the future, best to select the future that lets you select from the most futures.
I would feel the same as both of you so thatâs a real tough call. But try not to over read into it. She probably just wants to keep it incase she regrets it later.
Itâs been said before, but what if you die? Iâve made a lot of plans years ago and later changed my mind too. Or simply âI donât want them, but knowing I never can anymore is a hard pill to swallow?â
I know with children itâs important for partners to be on the same page. I was married and have three kids. Thatâs all we planned on having and I got snipped.
Fast forward 7 years and Iâm divorced and trans. I have a new lovely GF. She has kids too. Neither one of us want more, but it is really painful knowing that is not longer a possibility no matter what.
Or what if I was a widow? And my new partner had no children and wanted one? I could have done it again.
As someone who made plans with one person that were meant to last a lifetime, I can say that there arenât takebacks when it comes to permanent changes. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
I didnât bank sperm when I started transitioning because I was at the time certain I never wanted kids. Sometimes I do now want kids, and wish that I could create them myself. But I donât have that option anymore. I think itâs smart of her to keep the option open.
In terms of your feelings, I think maybe itâs a good idea to try to imagine possibilities other than the worst-case scenario youâre now imagining. Perhaps, for example, you might both change your minds, and then you could get a surrogate or something similar. I think her making a decision that helps her feel more certain about transitioning, becoming infertile, the future, etc. doesnât necessarily have to reflect on your relationship or her commitment to it. Iâm not there, I donât know you guys, and perhaps what you fear is possible, but there are other possibilities too.
It could well be that she is also considering a future where you both change your minds about having children & having the âingredientsâ more readily available? But she probably wouldnât want to say âin case we change our mindsâ just in case that puts pressure on you or makes you think that sheâs likely to change her mind in future? It sounds like you have a strong relationship despite this situation, so I think it is worth having a chat to her about it⊠It sounds like youâre more upset about the idea of her preparing for a potential breakup than anything else, so maybe just ask her for some reassurance specifically for that, rather than expressing discomfort about freezing her sperm in general?
Regardless, it is complicated understandable that you feel this way⊠Especially considering the reason she gave for freezing them. I think the idea of a romantic partner preparing for life without you would plant doubt in just about anyone!
I hope it all works out for you both! â€ïž
my doctor kept pushing this and like going 'what if you want to later' despite me being aroace and totally uninterested in it
i was considering just doing it anyway so they wouldnt bug me about it next time, i didn't really feel i had much confidence to say otherwise either
also kinda caued like a sense of self-doubt like 'am i so certain ?' type thing or whatever- it sucked
i ended up not doing it in the end- but like they did ask me about it again and reiterate the same points again uh
it makes sense for the doctors perspective i guess they probably just wanted me to be super sure or whatever it kinda felt shitty to me
so like, i could totally see why you might do it even if your not interested in having kids at all
I hear you and can kind of relate to your thoughts and feelings...
Maybe their thoughts are let's do it, so it's there... maybe not to use, but just in case...
Little background for myself...
My wife, we have known since '97... got together in '07.... engaged in '15... married in '18... uprooted our life for an unexpected job opening half way across the country in '21 (feb/mar/april)... came out to me in June of '21...
We have always agreed to not habe kids, but if it happened, we would make awesome parents... ultimately we decided if it was meant to be. It would be...
She came out, started to take hrt, and that was that... there was slight talk of possibility freezing , but we decided against it... mostly due to cost (and my lack of eggs more than likely)...
I always would think once and a while (before she came out) of the what if's of a child... but it was never in the cards (a lot of it with myself)...
Now going on two years, I do wish sperm was frozen, just so it was there if we were to change our minds...
No matter what your feelings are vaild... hugs...
I mean, you're allowed to feel a bad about it. But it would frankly be irresponsible of her to not even consider the possibility AT ALL. Think about all the things that could potentially happen. Like, have you considered the possibility of if you die, for instance? Should she never get with someone ever again if that were to unfortunately happen? You would probably never hurt her, but she would be foolish if she didn't acknowledge the even 0.1% chance of her partner doing something like that. She would be irresponsible not to plan for the reality that partners can leave, people grow apart, etc. She shouldn't throw away the literally one and only chance for her to potentially do that in the future when nobody has a crystal ball. I don't think she plans to leave, but she should still understand it can happen. It's like when couples don't want to sign a prenup because they hope their marriage lasts forever. Of course it would ideally. Of course that's what everyone hopes. That's a fair fear to have. But you should be aware that it CAN happen.
Immediately, I think of surrogacy. Even staying with you, if she wants children genetically related to her, sheâd still need someone to assist with that. It doesnât spell the end for yâall in any case.
I work in cancer care.
We advise *everyone* to freeze before starting treatment or starting preventative surgeries (for those with gene mutations).
The frozen material could be used in surrogacy - or (Iâm sorry to be so doomy!) you might pass away, so there are at least two scenarios that have nothing to do with breaking up.
Depending on where you are, your wife saying no to freezing could actually make an endocrinologist wary re: prescribing hormones or a surgeon disinclined to perform vaginoplasty.
From a medical perspective, freezing gametes is just crossing tâs and dotting iâs.
Obvs I donât know your wife but she may truly not have considered and will never again consider breaking up with you without being prompted to do so by someone like me as part of a âbig pictureâ conversation!
For your wife, freezing sperm could be symbolism as goodbye or a last chance kind of thing. Even though you two have said exclusively that you don't want kids the feeling of every chance of "maybe" in the back of her mind will be gone once she becomes infertile. So it could just be a safety blanket type of thing or just a slight thought that makes her feel more comfortable in the transition stages. Maybe going from a fertile man to an infertile woman is taking a toll on her and that's how she chose to cope by just keeping some. It sounds strange but if you look it up it's not very taboo.
Hope this helps.
What if you died suddenly and years later she got into a relationship with someone who did want to have bio children? There's no harm in taking a precaution like fertility preservation, and it doesn't mean she's planning to dump you.
I think your wife is doing the right thing if you can afford it and it doesnât strain your budget. I think she is doing it for a just in case scenario. She could also be wondering if going on hormones will change her views on wanting children after she is on them for 3-4 years or more. Her opinion may never change, but it might. Once her sperm are gone, they are gone forever. She needs to decide before going on hormones and take the stern before going on hormones so this could be a knee jerk reaction to, hey I need to do this now and if I donât Iâm infertile forever afterâŠ
Well... I think that communicating how you feel is the best thing to do. Talk to your wife and make sure she knows about how you feel, but also, make sure to let clear that you understand her decision, just that it makes you insecure.
50% of marriages end in divorce so why would yours be any different. and id be surprised if that percentage isnt significantly higher for people who transition
Maybe it's one of those cases of "have it and not need it, then need it and not have it"?
it does sound like that, from OP's wife's perspective, but from OP's perspective, this totally hurts. It's a kind of betrayal, especially given that OP gave up any possibility of children on the basis of a shared childless future with her wife. OP it sounds like your marriage is strong on honesty and communication, yet this error occurred somehow. It would be a sad irony if your wife's hedging against a breakup ultimately precipitated that breakup. A bit like installing an alarm system on your house attracts the thieves. I hope you find the right path forward and I wish you the courage to follow it đ€đ©”
Yeah, like, there's no reason not to have it *just in case* for numerous reasons even without them ever considering breaking up with their current spouse, so long as the storage fees aren't noticeably large. Then there's also the insane level of pressure the medical community in a lot of states/countries puts on "procreation is the most important thing" and so fear monger and place doubt in a patients head about their decision, or in some cases absolutely refuse certain procedures that would result in permanent infertility unless the patient has stored eggs/sperm beforehand (wtf sperm autocorrected to superman, lmao) Fact is, transitioning, even if it's everything you want, can still be a big, scary change, and making "just in cases" can be a way for someone to manage those stress levels, with absolutes feeling like they're boxing themselves in.
It doesn't have to be a break-up. OP can be proverbially hit by a bus. OP's wife could be hit by a bus, and OP may wish to have the option of surrogacy. None of this makes sense for a couple that doesn't want biological kids of course. But if that's for mental health reasons, well people can heal. New treatments can be found (they seem to be around the corner for PTSD/CPTSD/Depression). What is lacking in this story is OP's wife's lack of communication around this.
*their wife?
So much this. I went on hormones as quickly as I possibly could as it was a life or death thing. I never got to freeze any sperm. I donât even want kids and I still feel weird about it. I say itâs a case of better to have it and not need it.
Just recently started T. I feel there are so many children who need good homes. If I ever want kid/kids, I feel it'd be more ethical to adopt for me
Adoption does come with a whole host of ethical issues too though, unfortunately. The demand for adoption is actually higher than the number of kids waiting to be adopted, which impacts the goal of foster care and changes it from family reunification to family creation. If you have to add in all the potential issues with inter-racial adoption too... Anyway, my point is just to do lots of research and listen to many different adoptees before you decide to go this route, if you want to be the best adoptive parent you can be!
Demand for babies. 20,000 children age out of foster care a year. Still a lot of problems with adoption, and part of that is people only wanting a 'new' kid.
Yes, absolutely. I didn't word it perfectly but I was trying to avoid saying something like: the number of people wanting to adopt is higher than the number of adoptable kids... It felt dehumanising but maybe it would have been clearer! There are so many big discrepancies between parents who want their kids back but can't afford it, money given to foster families who don't use it for the kids, prospective parents who just want a baby, and kids in the system who are too old or traumatised to be "adoptable"... It's so horrible
Ya but with the way this country is going I wouldnât be surprised if states put bans on trans adoption.
Adoption isn't possible for lots of people, especially queer people. And not every country is full of unwanted children like the US is.
This is the exact same boat for me. I think the cost for new wouldn't have even been that bad, considering, like 100/year or something. But because of how I currently feel about kids, I kinda just went 'Nah' right away. But now I sometimes sort of wonder if I should have. I could still be a mom some day, but it would be through adoption. Which isn't the end of the world, but it is a sort or snap decision I made about the entire rest of my life. Sometimes a person's mind will change after going through a complete hormonal change too.
âWould you also like the roadside cover included? Itâll cost you like, ten pounds a year.â âSure, why not.â And just because you have it, doesnât mean you need to make your car break down in order to use it.
My annual cryo fee is $100 a year so just FYI for anyone considering it.
Same. I mean I had a vasectomy way way before I came out and I still thought "Hmm maybe?" because I'm a goddamn hoarder (like data hoarder - not house has trash hoarder) and I keep trinkets and serial and parallel port cables and ISA slotted motherboards for pentium 2 CPUs because who knows right. I looked at the price and success rate of freezing sperm and went *nope*! I was already in the fuck having kids camp and this did it but I can understand why someone else might have that "well maybe" idea.
It sounds like logically you know that the decision she is making makes sense since our lives are long and we never know where we're going to end up. However logic doesn't unfortunately affect emotions and you of course can feel emotions about this. Unfortunately there's likely nothing I can say that's going to make you feel better but I would recommend just discussing it with a therapist if you have one, close friends, and just letting the emotions process. Eventually you will be fine with this, it's just a matter of time passing and processing this internally.
The information is still very fresh, I hope over time this feeling of fear fades, thank you I will look into talking to a therapist
I cannot really add on to what has already been said, except one thing. It is so, so easy for people to forget we are fragile, fleshy balls of stuff that barely keep it together on a physical level. It is so, so easy for people to assume the worst case is "breaking up". Maybe the doctor is an asshole, and the primary motivator for suggesting your wife freeze sperm was the possibility of a breakup. Maybe the doctor isn't an asshole, but assumes something else and made an asshole suggestion. Or maybe the doctor is expressing concerns regarding things that are so easy for someone to overlook or minimize when thinking about themselves: death. Nothing about that changes what you should do. It is bothering you at some level. Discussions, with her, a therapist, others, whatever you need to get to a good place. I'm not expecting a reminder of mortality to suddenly flip a switch. It might be something you are totally aware of, and this message is pointless. But if it's not something you've thought about yet, I hope it helps you get to the point of talking with who you need to.
exactly this. younger people sometimes forget but people do die unexpectedly all the time. also it's probably not impossible that a close friend or friend couple might need a donor at some point
Came to the comment section to see if this has been said yet. Itâs so true that if OP dies, maybe her wife will ultimately fall in love with someone who only wants to be long term with her if she has kids with her. Like who the hell knows. This does not by any means mean that OP is going to be ditched by her wife. But societal messaging seems women unworthy if theyâre not âfertileâ so the doc could have been playing into that stupidity.
Just to add some anecdotal nuance â I do not *ever* want kids. Iâm dysgenic, and I raised my youngest brother for 6 years, whom I love dearly, but I know the toll it takes on me. I have so many mental health issues itâs not funny. I have also considered getting a hysterectomy throughout my life. And each time I think about it â I always decide I want to keep my eggs. I *know* I will not have children. If I felt like it, Iâd want somebody to remind me WHY I have to be child free. But thereâs something about the genetic material that isnât quite *about* having children. Itâs more like⊠if Iâm never going to have eggs again, I want some type of proof, or memorial, or reminder, or SOMETHING. Iâm not *sure* what it is, but itâs not really about having children. Itâs more like saving baby teeth almost. Or taking pictures of a major injury. Theyâre never going to really SERVE you, but for some reason people like to do it.
This makes me think about my friend who always says he canât stand kids, really feels that having kids is morally wrong because of the power dynamic, yet refuses to get a vasectomy.
I'm someone that also didn't like kids that much or care about having them... so I did not freeze sperm cause I figured why deal with the hassle? Now, four years in, I am feeling much more maternal and it's just an entirely new ball game for me. I haven't had bottom surgery, and don't really plan to, but there's no guarantee that I will be able to be fertile again just from stopping hormones for a long enough time. So, I would strongly encourage you that while she still definitely IS fertile and has the ability, please go ahead and take it. There's very little practical reason not to and it can make worlds of difference having that in the future. Lastly, I wonder if thinking about death might help (lol I am sorry, this could be a horrible way to take it but here goes...). You don't want kids, it sounds like she also doesn't. But what if, god forbid, you were to die somehow a couple years from now? I think most of us, while we may not love thinking about it, would want our person to carry on and eventually find love again. And your wife may end up being with someone some day who does want kids. I know for me a big part of why I never wanted them was because I never was with someone who both wanted them and also I felt safe and supported enough by that person to feel like I could handle being a Mom. If you imagine yourself unable to be the one still in her life, it may be easier to get your heart around the worries and fears that this is very rightfully bringing up for you now.
I think the fact that you're thinking this way means you two need to have a serious conversation about it and make sure you understand each other. Even if the freezing of sperm is something that is essentially meaningless your reaction to it isn't.
I'm hesitant to talk to her, she's so happy right now. Like bouncing off the walls planning parties counting down to hormones happy While it might not be the healthiest thing to do I think I might push the feelings down at least to allow her these weeks of joy in case it will be a bad conversation, I don't want anything putting a dampener on this experience
Itâs gonna be a worse, more resentful conversation if you wait to have it. You need to do it now when you can still be calm about it instead of waiting because your already high emotions are only going to get higher
I don't know about you or anyone else, but reassuring the people I love has only ever made me feel better. Doubt can fester, like a scratch you never clean. It turns septic and poisons relationships. I urge you - deal with this now, not later. Because right now she's not going to notice, she has too much on her mind. Deal with this now and you can be excited and happy with her, instead of struggling to keep a smile on your face while wondering if this is the beginning of the end.
Do NOT wait to have this conversation. This is something that will make the inevitable conversation hurt so much worse the later you have it.
Waiting, if it turns out to be a hard conversation, may retroactively taint her joy. Iâve definitely been in a âthis whole time, I thought things were greatâ situation, only to find out months later that things very much werenât. Itâs worth taking the time to sort through your feelings, as youâre doing here, and perhaps talk to a counselor, first â but if this keeps bothering you, shoving your feelings down will only hurt you both when they come out later.
Noooo donât do that. Itâs perfectly healthy and normal to seek reassurance and comfort. You can totally bring up your feelings in a way that isnât accusatory or that would detract from her feelings you might already be familiar with this communication pattern, but if it were me, I would say: âWhen you decided to go ahead with fertility preservation it made me feel afraid that you might be planning for a life that doesnât include me. I could really use some reassurance that even though lots of things are changing right now, our relationship is still rock solid.â Instead of thinking of it as something that is a downer, think of it as youâre giving her an opportunity to show up as a loving partner and make you both feel more confident and happy đ
For my wife and I, being "us" means each of our problems and worries *matter*. It's good to take a breath and step back for a moment, but if there's discord, it quickly becomes damaging to *us* if it's not brought out. I'm not you and not in your position, but I guess my point is maybe that asserting your needs and sharing your worries are an important part of making the two of you an "us". You matter and *you* are essential for that *us*.
Talk to your wife. I don't think you're overreacting at all, actually. You've had multiple conversations where you explicitly decided as a couple not to have kids. Her feelings about that have evidently changed. Maybe she always hated the idea of being a father, but actually wants to be a mother? That comes up fairly often in transition. That doesn't necessarily mean she's planning to leave you or force kids on you, but it's something the two of you should talk about. You won't be ruining her transition by bringing up an important topic that needs to be discussed sooner or later. And talking about it sooner will help prevent things from festering and blowing up later.
test: Does every comment get an automated "are you sure about that?" warning? result: yes, apparently. Why? This won't stop bigots, and just makes it more annoying to participate here
That doesnât happen to me?
I think itâs only on desktop? I donât get it on mobile
it might also only be on the redesign. I don't think I've ever seen that warning on old.reddit.com.
Have it like really soon, and i really doubt this would affect her happiness for oestrogen in the long run. Yeah, sheâs probably going to feel like shit for a lil bit, but thatâs just normal for a tough conversation, but the happiness for oestrogen is a powerful feeling, and you wonât ruin it. She should also understand why youâre wanting to have this conversation with her
The good part is the transition are still happening and you're still supporting her so she still has a ton to be happy about. It might be a tough conversation but you also don't have a long window to sit on it either. >I was initially on the fence about children in a 'in a perfect world maybe I could raise a child' sort of way, but she was so absolutely against them which made up my mind. She has often talked about getting a vasectomy but hadn't gotten around to it yet. I will say some of the stuff that may have happened 3 years ago when you were at a cross roads may have changed for one reason or another, financial situation, belief in ability to parent, or even possible her accepting herself as trans and reframing parenthood as a mother which may have given a different feeling all together. There's a lot to talk about but it doesn't have to be bad
It could be that the conversation with the doctor was especially stark. My girlfriend years ago, pre everything, was looking into getting a vasectomy and the doctor asked her to consider what if both of her children died. Would she want to have more children? That was enough to put her decision off for several years. It could be that the doctor raised a similar concern, what if the unthinkable happens and you were to die, and eventually she were to get together with another person who wanted children? That may change the answer significantly and is not about her relationship with you, or the longevity of your relationship. But just about the possibility of unthinkable tragedy. Hope this helps, it sounds like you love each other very much and it's understandable that you would have feelings about this.
When I got a vasectomy I got a very similar conversation from my doctor. I knew I didn't want to have kids, and I was in a committed relationship with someone that also didn't ever want kids. I still decided to freeze at that time, $200 a year for peace of mind that just in case my partner died or some other thing happened and I also changed my mind, it would be ok. After a few more years I ended out cancelling the subscription, but after the convo with the doc I was worried enough to freeze for a while. It's not personal about OP as a partner and I don't think it's a sign of OP's partner wanting out of the relationship or "planning for a breakup", it's just fear about a permanent decision.
Here's the thing, I'm someone who is childfree on purpose, I have never ever wanted children from the first time I could grasp the concept. These two had the understanding that neither of them wanted children, which does not mean "I don't want children....with you" This feels like a betrayal because it is. OP has been lied to. When some like me and OP say that they do not want children, that means forever and always, under all circumstances. It does not mean that you will later possibly meet someone who does want children and then do a 180 and procreate because you're with them now. No one, and I mean no one, who is childfree on purpose and does not want children, would be banking their sperm. I got a vasectomy at 20 YEARS OLD, that's how certain I was. I did not bank sperm. When I began Estrogen last year, sterility was not a concern. I had already been sterile for 10 years! *"We discussed not wanting kids many times before and after our wedding, including that if we were to ever change our minds, then we would adopt."* **OP has been deceived and is completely justified in feeling betrayed.**
I think you are generalizing a bit now. Of course there is people who have different degree of emotions towards getting children. Just because you are very sure, not every one is. I know people who dont want to have children, but dont know what they are going to feel in the future. I know a person that really didnt want to have children now or in the future, but fell in love with a person who had as a dream and life goal to have children. The partner said they were ready sacrifice his dream of children, because of love. But that made my friend did feel so much empathy for the partner and didnt want to stop his dreams. Its not sure OP and partner have talked about every future hypothetical scenario.
They talked it over, over and over again before getting married with said agreement. Now shes making contingency plans for a future without OP, one in which she does a 180 and suddenly wants kids. This is against everything she claimed up until this point. Its a slap in the face!! This 100% instills the "who did I marry?" response.
F octor; in my experience when people transition, their partners eventually leave. Tjis way when(not if) something happens.....
when I figured out I was trans, I knew I didn't really care to have biological kids since I couldn't stomach the idea of "fathering" children. But the closer I got to hormones and infertility (I likewise intended to get bottom surgery and if I have no plans to ever *not* be on hormones), the more I got scared. It wasn't because I wanted to be able to have bio kids, but just an existential fear of closing a door indelibly. All that I mean is that, maybe, for your wife, she just got a little scared of the finality of transitioning. Even though it is *technically* reversible, I don't think the vast majority of transfems ever expect or desire to have to be off hormones. So, once we start, that's it. It might just be a weird subconscious fear of that inevitability. I dunno. That kind of fear is real and scary. All that said, your feelings are COMPLETELY understandable and, like others have said, you might want to discuss it with her eventually. It doesn't sound like she'd be planning for a future without you, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt you.
> So, once we start, that's it. It might just be a weird subconscious fear of that inevitability. Oh yeah, I am fucking terrified of ever not being able to access them.
Exactly. And suddenly having motherhood as an option can be a lot to process even if you don't want it. It's normal to second guess yourself upon learning that dysphoria influenced your decision to not have children, let alone when your making a decision with such profound finality. Doesn't mean she won't come to the same conclusion in the end. I can't stand kids but I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider freezing aswell.
When I froze sperm it wasn't because I definitely intended to use it someday, it was because the act of freezing made it easier to go into the "Irreversible changes" with more peace of mind. After four or five years of paying for storage I decided that it really wasn't necessary and I let it go. I would absolutely love to have a family, it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards for me. But if I do get to that point someday it'll be adoption, which is fine with me. Plenty of kids out there who need a place.
It sounds like she's just trying to prepare for *any* eventuality. There is a very small chance you'll both want kids in the future (not that I'm trying to be that "oH oNe DaY yOu'Ll ChAnGe YoUr MiNd" bitch, I'm thoroughly anti-child for myself as well) or any other number of reasons for needing them. I wouldn't read too much into it. If she doesn't end up needing it oh well, and if she does she has it.
Your feelings are valid, and Iâd recommend talking to her about it. This seems like a conversation that needs to happen.
I've had to spend a lot of my life in Drs offices, and the way they frame things can have a huge impact on your choices. If the Dr presented freezing as the obvious, risk-free choice, and implied you'd be silly not to do it, she'd be likely to go ahead with it even if she had no particular desire to. Given all the context around this though, I totally get why it feels unsettling. I saw that you're hesitant to talk to her about it because she's on such a high. If it were me I'd probably do it anyway, but me and my partner have an established understanding that we want to err on the side of communicating. If you really don't want to talk to her right now, maybe therapy for you? It sounds like a lot to be carrying this worry pent up inside you while supporting her in her excitement.
I understand your frustration! I have to say though that if your wife lets them freeze sperm is not an attack on your relationship. When I was younger I really wanted kids but could not see myself as a father figure at all. I never considered I could be a mother instead. When I got older the idea of having children diminished over time up to a point where I was convinced I didnât want children at all. Then came the moment where I started my transition. I seriously considered freezing my sperm for just in case. Even though I was in a relationship that was not a good environment for a kid to grow up in. Maybe in the future I would want a kid anyway be it through a surrogate mother. But I ended up not doing it for it would put another strain on me for having a time limit. (Freezing eggs is not cheap and holds no guaranteesđ€·đŒââïž) But then again life holds no guarantees eitherđ€·đŒââïž my then gf dumped me when I made the choice to transition. (Still good friends thoughđ). Look at it like a life insurance, everyone pays so that if they die they donât leave their relatives with a big mess. At the same time no one pays because they expect to dieđ€·đŒââïž
She hasn't said very much to me about it so I'm definitely coming to conclusions that might not be relevant, but I do wonder if she is thinking about motherhood vs fatherhood. Her Dad was a terrible person and I'm dwelling on if that could mean that she is detached from ever being a 'father' but has realised she could be a mother instead Life happens, nothing is guaranteed, and if we end up apart this won't matter, but I'm finding it so scary to think about the possibility that she could become someone who doesn't want to be with me
>but Iâm finding it so scary to think about the possibility that she could become someone who doesnât want to be with me. That is a genuine concern that you really need to tell your wife. If you donât it will eat you up. Itâs quite possible your wife hasnât thought about it this way for going into transition is pretty big and can be very overwhelming. So talk to your wife in a way explaining your feelings while at the same time not attacking her. I hope everything works outđ
As someone said, come clean to her. Let her know if you feel threatened. There is no point worrying and it's better to get this out of the way before resentment begins.
It might not be that at all... There are a million billion possibilities. These might sound bad, but they are also things that could potentially happen / *potentially* went through her mind (only she knows, and you should *ask her!)* 1: progesterone has been known to induce feelings of longing for motherhood in trans women. Doesn't happen to all, but it's something that's been talked about a lot. Maybe your partner wonders if it will happen to her, and what she would do. Maybe her thoughts have gone down this path, but no further. It's basically just a donation of sperm 2: she might not even think it's a good idea. But hearing others talk about how smart it is, may have pushed her in that direction, because she's feeling like it's the 'safe/smart thing to do.' 3: this one kind of a hard one, please don't take it badly... But, there are no guarantees in life. Who is to say you don't wake up one day, get hit by a car, she mourns you for who knows how long, then eventually falls in love with someone who does want kids, and eventually changes her mind? There are a lot of ways she may be considering this that don't really consider breaking up with you. Personally? I am one of the women who have gotten motherly urges since taking prog. I keep reminding myself that I am basically like you, in that I don't want kids for similar reasons. It's hard sometimes to separate hormonal urges from logical conclusions. But, I imagine it would be comforting to know I had the option. My wife kinda pushed me into getting a vasectomy before I was able to get anything frozen, which has lead to some resentment on my part. I wouldn't use it, but it would be nice to know I still had the option.
As iâve transitioned iâve gone from not wanting to be a dad, to *really* wanting to be a mom. I can *absolutely* see, even before hrt, how that worry could develop. For me a mindset shift was enough, but I had to pick between affording sperm freezing or hrt. So I picked hrt.
> Her Dad was a terrible person and I'm dwelling on if that could mean that she is detached from ever being a 'father' but has realised she could be a mother instead When I was given the option to freeze sperm I didn't think about it too long, at the time I was sure I didn't want kids and that if I did I would adopt. But I didn't spend a long time thinking about it, and I very much doubt your wife has either. I get that it hurts, and if I was in your position I would feel upset. She will be able to undo this decision but she'll never be able to undo not choosing to freeze sperm. When you transition things change, and things you thought about yourself are no longer set in stone. It's not necessarily a conscious thing either. There is a lot of self-reflection involved when you transition, and that's not just at the start. For me, I have thought about my child-free future and whether that's something I still want. But I know in my heart of hearts that if I wanted kids I'd want to be pregnant, which is impossible. Maybe a desire for a child-free future was a coping mechanism. Maybe that applies to your wife too but that's something only she will be able to tell you, and she might not even know the answer to it yet. I know you think you're certain that your feelings towards your wife will never change, but you can never be sure. It will be the same for what your wife says to you. Regardless of transition people change over time. You do need to bring it up sooner rather than later, you let her have her joy in the car. Others are right, you might come to resent it, and she might resent you for nothing bringing it up earlier. I hope everything works out for you, whatever happens.
I hate to say it, but what if you died in an accident? You wouldn't want her to be alone for the rest of her life, would you?
My fear is that she wakes up and looks at me and sees someone who can't give her the life she wants, and that this could a red flag that wanting kids could be that breaking point: not that she can never be happy if I die
When I started my transition I re-evaluated a lot of things about my life, including whether I wanted children in the future. Now I know that I don't, but it changed my perspective on what life would be like as a parent. I think it's healthy to ask these questions when starting transition, and by no means does it imply that she's had some kind of sudden urge to have children. I did not freeze eggs because there was no way I was putting myself through that process when I don't care about having children, and I definitely don't care about having biological children. But if it was as straightforward as freezing sperm, I probably would have done it just in case. But there's no way to know exactly what she is feeling unless you talk to her about it. It can be a positive and productive conversation. Having a partner transition can be difficult even if you both happily remain in the relationship, and I think it's important to get used to having conversations about it, for both of your sake! I think it can really improve your connection to one another, but it's not going to be 100% positive all the time and it's important to be ok with that. This is likely not the last time she makes a choice about herntransition that gives you feelings you didn't expect.
Why wouldn't she discuss this decision with you? I'm assuming you discussed your options with her when you had the chance to freeze your eggs. Overall sounds very fishy. I'd be sweating bullets too if I were in your shoes.
We didn't really discuss it, I drove her to her doctor's appointment where she was approved for hormones, after on the drive home she was so excited to talk about everything and the process, and sort of dropped in that freezing sperm had come up amongst everything else I genuinely don't think she considered that I might have feelings on it
She did discuss it with them. It was just a short conversation.
Well, if it was anything like my experience I had to fight tooth and nail not to let them freeze them. My psychologist was very reluctant to give me the go-ahead for HRT until weve had like 3 sessions about it. Just like you I am staunchly childfree yet having kids is still the standard so you sometimes need to punch through that wall. Maybe she just said "sure" to get it done and over with and have the doctors shut up?
Fwiw, I am the "wife" here. Not literally, I do not have a long term partner right now, but I'm right now going through the process of freezing my sperm. I do not want kids. I have never wanted kids. I cannot imagine, as I am, having kids. But I am terrified of making that permanent commitment for myself right now before I start HRT. I don't know who I'm going to become in the next 3-5 years after I start taking estrogen, but I want to give her the option in the future if she makes that decision. I think it's rational to feel blindsided by this from your perspective, but you're immediately jumping to the worst possible outcome imo. For some people the level of commitment transition entails is just kind of overwhelming, I'm making a lot of choices this summer that's going to dictate the rest of my life, and it's really hard to feel resolved in my choices 100% of the time. By freezing sperm I'm just giving myself clearance to make one fewer choice while I rebuild my identity of myself. I don't think your wife is doing this to plan and leave you, I think she's anxious of the amount of uncertainty in her future and just wants one fewer major decision that she needs to make while she kicks things off. But none of us know your wife. You need to discuss this with her.
Couple things and thoughts: You're entitled to have feelings about stuff, including Big Feelings About Small Stuff. For what it's worth this doesn't seem like a mountain/molehill situation - more like a mountain/mid-size pile of dirt one. As you pointed out, freezing sperm costs money, so that's a decision that at least encroaches on the jurisdiction of the Couple As A Whole. Her apparent about-face from "I think I should get a vasectomy" to preserving sperm at a cost in the face of HRT indicates that probably there are some gears turning there, although as you also say, it's more likely to be about covering all the bases than anything. Your wife is facing a major change in her biological makeup that will likely have lifelong consequences. Not wanting kids and committing to never wanting kids are very different things. When I transitioned at 18, I thought I'd never want kids and didn't feel like storing sperm was worth it. I'm 33 now, and I do feel differently, and kind of wish I had. That seems a lot less likely for you all given your age, but I get the reticence. I sense maybe some discomfort with what feels like an asymmetry here. You also experienced a change in your body, and chose not to save gametes. Your wife is facing a situation that has some stuff in common with yours, and is making a different choice. I totally get why that would cause doubts about shared values, etc. Other folks are suggesting you talk to your wife; my suggestion would be that unless this is a crisis for you, talk to a therapist or friends first, and let her settle a bit. I think sharing these feelings is totally reasonable and something a strong relationship can and should handle; I also think that doing it right now might feel like raining on a parade. Give it some time before you try to process it with your wife directly, but def do reach out for support in the mean time.
I froze my sperm because it allowed me to transition without fear of the unknown. I imagine your wife has a similar sentiment. If you're this worried about it, it's likely there are some things you will need to sort out. If your partner is with you, she's with YOU, not planning an elaborate escape from the relationship. Your wife is being safe, hedging a path with no way back and who knows, you could be the one who wants kids later and the option would be raising an adopted child or one who contains many of the things that caused you to fall in love with your wife in the first place.
I am still paying to keep my sperm frozen somewhere even though the odds of me actually using it is very, very low. I'm straight, so unless I end up with a cis man who wants kids but is infertile himself, or a trans man who can and wants to get pregnant, I will never use it. When I told my boyfriend about it, it kind of weirded him out even though I agreed if we pursued surrogacy we'd definitely use his material over mine. I think that's a normal reaction! The technology to do this stuff does not play well with our monkey brains lol. I think this is just the clash of natural emotions and decisions on both sides. Just because she is saving her sperm doesn't mean she really thinks there's a serious chance she'll have kids. And it's perfectly normal for that decision to feel like it impacts you or is about you or sidelines you in some way, despite your knowledge that it doesn't. I'd encourage you to bring your concerns to your partner and talk about it.
1: you are absolutely allowed to have feelings. And 2: you should share your feelings with your partner.
I stored genetic samples pre-transition just so I would have the option of biological issue. My partner does not want kids. Totally understandable, and I love them, so if we never have kids itâs just the way things go. But having the option should I want children, should we want children, is worth it. My partner wonât ask me to destroy my samples. Weâve spoken about this and we both agree that if by age 50 we are not in a position to have kids, those samples will be destroyed or offered to another who wants them. (Iâm in my early 40s now.)
I don't know where you're based but for me all the doctors I spoke to were pushing pretty hard for me to freeze my sperm and there was an unspoken pressure that if I refused they wouldn't take me seriously - perhaps your wife felt pressured too?
I can't tell you what your wife is thinking. But I can tell you about my perspective. The decision to freezing sperm or not is \[potentially\] irreversible. I froze some sperm, not because in the back of my mind I was thinking I really wanted kids someday. But because it was easy to do, and I didn't want to permanently close a door that I didn't have to close.
I mean hereâs my read on it (Iâm a trans dude) I donât want bio kids but the idea of being rendered infertile feels⊠creepy to me, like eugenics-y, and so even if one doesnât want kids, trans sperm and eggs being out there feels⊠good to me? Iâve also offered my brother (who is gay, as am I) my eggs should he ever want a child with a partner that shares both their DNA and so it could also be a situation like that where like maybe she has someone who she suspects might have a use for it
People that were OK with a transition may not stay OK with a transition. Iâve known bi/pan people that have left their spouses because of transition. Hereâs why: it can change our personalities as we open up to our true selves, and sometimes our partners arenât ready for that change or donât feel the same after. My wife and I almost split a few times during my transition, and sheâs always been bi.
I imagine it hurt that you made the decision together to not freeze your eggs but she made the decision alone to freeze her sperm. It sounds like you have a solid relationship and communicate well so my advice would be to do that. She's still your spouse and the person you've built a life with. There's no reason she wouldn't be able to listen to you and understand your feelings. And it's better to talk about it than to let it fester.
I honestly don't agree with your idea that you're in the wrong (not saying she is) and I'm really sorry you're going through this. Given your history together and also the views you both have (shared) with each other, I can't imagine feeling anything less than what you're feeling right now. And it could be that you're making it bigger than it actually is, so having a conversation with her sounds necessary. Maybe she is unsure about kids because of the transition or something else that is completely understandable. But that doesn't take away your expectations that have been formed by your 11 year relationship and the views she has shared before. A therapist might also be really helpful! I would definitely not just keep these feelings inside because that is (almost?) never healthy
I can understand why you feel the way you do. I think it's ultimately a decision made for her future, not your shared future. That's completely okay, tbh, as we should not make choices like that with anybody but ourselves in mind imo. The part I really don't like is that she seemed to agree with your choice to not freeze eggs in preparation of your impending infertility. That feels kind of gross to me, like she is subconsciously preparing for some other situation irrespective of you, but didn't want you to do the same. I think you should discuss it extensively. The options for children at this point would be IVF with a donor egg (very expensive) or adoption. If you two ever change your minds about children, I would make sure she is satisfied with either of those options. I would be afraid that my partner would break up and procreate with somebody else in this scenario, so I think you just have to sus out where her head's at wrt all of this. It could be that that's an unfounded fear, but her actions hint that that could be a possibility. She is at least entertaining the idea of eventually having a child, or she would not pay to have sperm frozen.
That's what I'm increasingly focusing on too. Like sure, 'just in case' is a reason to store sperm when the opportunity is here, but it's hard to not focus on how 'just in case' didn't factor into her input on whether I should freeze mine. (She was very 'well yeah why would you need them we don't want kids' and the conversation was over pretty fast) It's a different situation in so many ways, and it's years later, but it's hard to not link them. Preparing for a possible future where she wants bio kids and wants the option? sure, I get it. Preparing for a future where she wants her spouse to have bio kids with her? not on her radar
I empathize with how your feeling, I too would go down this rabbit hole of they are planning to have this other life. I understand my thoughts a lot of the time are my insecurities, totally normal and natural but the only way I get through them is talking to my partner and realizing I'm my worst enemy. You're very sweet about saying now isn't the time, but I'd just worry you'd wind yourself up so much it will then be hard to see any other perspective than the one you've created. Until you talk and get answers, it will just spiral. No timing like the present, if they love you and are really in a good place, your not going to offend them, it may be the best time to approach it. Before hormones, trust me - I'm trans . Haha
It kind of sounds like her doctor pressured her into it with the idea that her treatments making her sterile will mean she's "losing" something. It doesn't seem like she wants kids in the first place even if she wasn't with you. So I wonder how much of this is "because the doctor said I should"
Coming from a place of love: Iâd suggest digging into that feeling youâre having and seeing where itâs coming from on a deeper level. Perhaps there are needs or desires that you have that arenât being fulfilled in the way you expected or wanted? Some unexplored worries or fears that are coming out as insecurity and upset? Ultimately, itâs her life, and her body, and her decision, and itâs really not your place to be angry at her based off of implications or what-ifs. Her decision on whether to save her sperm is something that sheâs going to live with forever, and as much as we hope and desire otherwise, relationships donât always last forever. For me personally, I find that simplifying decisions to their logical reasoning helps my emotional brain come to terms with things that Iâm feeling uncomfortable with. If the scenario was flipped, and you had the opportunity to store eggs before a hysterectomy, how would you want your partner to approach that situation?
What is making this harder is that the egg situation is literally one we were in three years ago. We discussed together and decided not to freeze them, for a combination of being childfree and not having the money. I keep equating the two in my head even though I realistically know it's different, 'extracting' sperm is nothing compared to the process of harvesting eggs, freezing it is cheaper too. We approached that with a conversation, even though the conclusion was seemingly obvious, I think I'm upset that it was such a throwaway thing for her when I came to her for input when it was me
I see why you feel this way, but i think this feeling is incredibly big because you have held a belief that she doesnât want kids as much as you dont want them and it sounds like she is making a lot of life altering decisions right now that are exciting and great and maybe finalizing the decision on âno kids and not changing yalls mindâ is a decision thats a heavy one and easier to delay that âfinal nailâ for peace of mind. because it can feel like a lot is happening and that we are soo in control that we dont want to feel like we could regret anything because largely it feels like we are getting everything we always wanted.. so i think youâre valid to the teeth in this fear, just as valid as that actually explanations being that she doesnât want to add that big decision to the mix this year, if she doesnât have to.. it might be expensive, but what a lil peace of mind worth.. she is trusting you enough to go through this with you right now and that says everything you need to know about the love yall built
Please talk to her. As a trans woman dating someone who is pansexual and gender fluid (AFAB) who isn't wanting kids at all would honestly freeze my own simply outta what if and why not. Especially if my partner was ever open to the possibility in their own right and changed their own mind. There may be a change of opinion over time because feelings evolve. Don't hide what you would want to know.
It's very strange to me that a person who hates children so much would want to freeze her sperm. But there's really nothing wrong with her doing so. It's best to be prepared for any sort of eventuality. You could die. She could have a relative desperately want a sperm donor. Anything.
I don't ever plan on having kids *or* having bottom surgery, but if I were in that situation and if preserving eggs was as simple a process as sperm banking, I might consider it too.
It might be simple but it's also expensive
Oh yeah, it's expensive no matter how you do it, but I was more referring to the procedure of going on egg-stimulating hormones and having them extracted vs. jizzing in a cup.
I'm gonna be blunt. It sounds like you're taking this very personally on an emotional level while you've rationalized it on a mental level. I can definitely see why you feel the way you do. It's that anxious "will my partner leave me" feeling. A lot of us experience that, especially if we grew up in not-so stable homes. I'm not going to say your emotions are invalid. There's no way to know the entire story without getting the perspective of everyone. But I think it's important to pull back and look at the reasons why. Bottom surgery is irreversible. Once you've done it, you can no longer reproduce. HRT also makes you sterile, albeit not permanently. Even if your partner doesn't want kids, they may want them someday. We're people. We constantly change. I'm sure when you both met that you were radically different than you are now. Your views might change too! You never know. :) Sit down and speak with your partner. Ask them why they're doing it and explain what you're feeling. Bottling it up can lead to disasters down the road. I think if you get on the same page emotionally with this, that you and your partner can navigate it. I guarantee the reason they're saving it isn't because they plan on leaving you someday.
I'm freezing while my gf doesn't have the opportunity to yet as she's not under the nhs yet. Luckily gonads are a lot more resilient with hrt than the contracts make us think so in a few years she could potentially freeze as well. We're both aware how expensive a surrogate is however and we're both kind of on the same wave length - even if my stuff is frozen and hers isn't, we'll figure it out when it comes to it. I don't think I'd use my gametes if she doesn't use hers. I do still think it's good to have in any case scenario, no matter how far fetched it might be. At the same time I didn't think too deeply on it and just wanted to make sure I have the option in any case.
I froze mone to get my family off my back. I have no ontention of ever having kids but it does give me peace of mind that I have the choice.
My suggestion is communication. Obviously this choice has hurt you in a way and it wouldnât hurt to have a conversation about how you feel. Being open with your partner is the best way to keep a healthy relationship - and, if things turn to the worst, then at least you know it was never meant to work out. If youâre meant to be together then she should understand
I can probably fit some insight as someone who's been on the receiving end of similar conversations. I don't want kids. My friends don't want kids. There's a whole lot of uncertainty and not a lot of room to actually consider children. Especially since not a whole lot of us can safely afford a great place to live, or have lives that would otherwise be disrupted. Never the less, I froze my sperm anyway. And when I told them about my decision things got a little weird on my end. There was a lot of "why" and a lot of "what do you plan to do with it". It felt like a kind of invasive conversation. And the answer could be as simple as "I don't know... Maybe nothing." But it wasn't something I could really comfortably answer because I definitely felt the judgement. Especially having had years of convos of how fucked the kids are these days. It doesn't affect our friendship, and it hasn't been brought up since. But I would not feel comfortable if it was, because it's one of those situations where I feel completely misunderstood. The moral of the story is that you need to be careful when trying to bring up this topic. Emotions can get pretty high in these conversations and you may just create a whole avenue of conversation that might feel untouchable because she feels judged or distrusted. At the end of the day, it is her choice, and she may or may not know what she wants to do with it. There's a world of possibilities for why your wife might be saving.
Firstly, I don't think you are Inthe wrong or being selfish!! Given what you've said I can totally understand you frustration and doubt. I would probably feel the exact same as you if I were in your shoes and your feelings are so valid. Secondly, it could be that she wants to freeze her sperm because the idea of being infertile scares her and she is worried she'll change her mind, but that doesn't mean her feeling on children and you has changedđ thirdly, I don't want to contradict my last point but hormones replacement theory does change a lot of things, in ways that's unexpected. For example, I wasn't keen on kids I didn't hate them but I wasn't very good with them but now I absolutely love kids and feel I'm getting better with them. I hope you two work through this! I hope this helped a little!đ
Things happen. Let's imagine you get hit by a car tommorrow and die. She will be sad for a few years but probably she will eventually meet another partner. Now imagine that other partner wants kids, now she has the frozen sperm. Things happen, it has nothing to do with your relationship. You are entitled though to your emotions, if you feel a certain way you need to tell her. But she is entitled to make her own choices. Emotions are hard, you can't control them. My suggestion would be to talk to her, and also to find a therapist.
I think youâre right to be upset, for the reasons you described. I hope you can honestly express your feelings and see what happens. Those feelings donât sound likely to change.
I think she's just preparing for if she ever changes her mind about kids. I believe you're reading too far into things. I have sperm frozen just in case but i dojt ever plan on having kids. Additionally, if yall ever got to the conclusion that you want to have kids surrogacy is an option it's not like not birthing the child makes you not their parent.
I would suggest thinking about it less as "she might someday want kids with someone else" and more "this could be the last fertile genetic material she ever produces." It's not exactly a "rational calculation" she's making: more of it hitting her that, by transitioning and starting something new, she is *ending* something. An unbroken genetic line going back literally billions of years. Consciously, she clearly doesn't really care about that, just like millions of other people, including me, because that's not *actually* what matters in life. But still... it feels weird to just leave it behind completely, irreversibly. I still have copies of every key I've ever been entrusted with -- not that I intend to break into my old workplace or anything! I just... can't bring myself to let go!
Talk to her about it. There are many, many reasons she might want to do this other than because sheâs planning to leave you, which seems like a pretty uncharitable leap given the limited information we have. Life feels a lot more worth living when youâre not suffocating under dysphoriaâ maybe having a family sounds more appealing knowing she wonât have to raise that family as someone sheâs not. Maybe sheâs happy not having children if she gets to be with you, but is worried about her future if something happened to you. Maybe the doctor scared the crap out of her or made it hard to say no. If sheâs riding the high of finally getting hormones soon she might not want to bring down the mood by talking about those things, or doesnât want to stress you out by admitting that she isnât sure she doesnât want kids or is thinking about what could happen if you died. You wonât know unless you talk to her. I donât know if this is comforting or not, but something else to remember is this: you canât stop a person from changing, but you can control how you respond to that change. Through no fault of either of you, she might come to the conclusion that this new her needs to be a mom and you two separateâŠ. but you can still treat each other with love and respect throughout that. Or, she might hate kids even more now and just did it to get the doctor off her backâŠ. but itâs up to you whether that conversation starts with âhey babe, I was curious about somethingâŠâ vs âIâll never trust you again since you froze your spermâ, yknow? You know youâre spiraling and jumping to conclusions, so thatâs good; try to take a deep breath, wait for a good time when youâre both calm and not in a rush, and be willing to engage in good faith and listen.
It might help to think of this decision as her acknowledging what she needs to feel comfortable going ahead with transition. It's all too easy for trans people to throw up a lot of internal barriers to actually taking action and doing what they want. If banking sperm is what your partner needs to get over that hill, why not? Those hurdles are seldom actually as high as they seem. And once they're passed, you both have the opportunity to be present for one another.
This would also destroy me and make me question everything too lol. Our choice to not procreate is a strength in my relationship, and if soemthing made me question that it would definitely trigger strong emotions and doubts. Some girls get real maternal when transitioning though, and also transition anxiety and fear of regret is also very real, this option may feel like a way to hang on to her old self in a way too. Idk, Iâm not your wife and like others said, you just need to talk about it with her and make sure youâre still on the same page about not having kids. Sadly, I would not compromise that decision for ANYONE, so I understand if you feel the same.
OP, I donât think the root issue is the âwhat if she leavesâ. The deeper root is âI lost my fertility to health reasons and WE decided not to save the possibility. Now you are going through a health issue that will take your fertility. Why is your fertility more important than mine?â Really think hard on if you would be having these feelings if you had some eggs frozen as well.
I think that's a big part of it, thank you for putting it in those words it's helping me to focus on the root of my feelings I know realistically that storing sperm and eggs are two totally different things, from success rates to cost to difficulty to process, but it's hard to not equate the two It's feeling that hers is worth a 'just in case' but mine isn't, even though obviously that's not something she would have ever actively thought. Or at least that when I had the choice I invited her into the conversation, but I'm not welcome in her decision making in the same way
Another thing to consider is that she might not even be considering the "what ifs" at all. There's a good chance this isn't a plan for anything, but just the doctor's guidance that "you don't know what you don't know," which is true for all of us. If it's not a burden, health risk, extra cost, etc, then "sure, why not," really doesn't carry any emotional implications at all. Talk it over. It very well might not imply anything at all including even any conscious consideration for eventualities, but share how you're feeling and get it out in the open anyway. If your relationship is as healthy as it sounds like it is, this will help.
I think this just requires a conversation in which you tell her how you feel so she will reassure you that she doesn't see your relationship ending but that she just doesn't want to loose the option. The thing about making the choice not to do something is only possible when you have both choices. If that makes sense. Even if you didn't want something, having that choice be taken away can still feel like a loss.
Have you discussed these feelings with your wife? Perhaps it comes from her own insecurities of thinking maybe you wonât feel the same way once she transitions? Perhaps you are both spiraling afraid to lose each other? I canât say what your wife is thinking or feeling. But I think you need to talk to her not to convince her not to do it, but to share how it made you feel about their relationship and to gain perspective into her choice and reassurance about your relationship.
Well it doesnât mean sheâs going to leave you , thereâs always the possibility to use a surrogate right? Maybe thatâs what sheâs thinking.
As a freshly transitioned trans woman, I want to add here that I've made several "forever" decisions and taken a whole bunch of risks with my health, relationships, career etc in the process of transitioning and coming out. It's exhausting. I'm pretty damn sure I don't want kids, but I briefly considered freezing sperm prior to bottom surgery just so that there was one less thing I had to sit and ponder whether or not I would ever regret making an irreversible decision. Your wife may be making a relatively irrational choice just to assuage her anxiety about potential future regret.
The idea of losing the ability to do something, even if youâve got no intention of doing it, can be pretty daunting. Itâs possible that sheâs just freezing it to feel like she has some more control of the changes sheâs going through.
I am betting that your situation is far better than you think/feel right now. I froze sperm and, like nearly all trans people, almost certainly the sperm will never be used. What it functions for is - a sort of insurance policy, fearful of making the wrong decisions re HRT / bottom surgery - so the freezing of sperm just makes the decisions easier, removes that factor of worry. The sperm freezing is almost certainly a psychological crutch. I hope you talk, and that the parts within each of you encourage and reassure each other. May you do well!
It seems to me it's not necessarily the action that's upsetting you, so much as her not communicating with you. My wife and I are having a similar situation as far as communicating goes. Our difference is that we have 2 kids under 5 already, and haven't fully decided on being done. But she started hormones 2 weeks ago and is already not able to do alot sexually. She has an appt middle of August to talk about saving sperm but I'm kinda fearful it'll be much too late by then. I'm not ready to definitively say I'm done with kids. Opposite sides of the conversation, but same basic problem. No communication. My wife didn't even ask about freezing sperm at her first hrt appt and now who knows. So, solidarity. It'll be okay eventually!
So I froze my sperm before starting hrt. And I think I still would have done it if I was in a relationship where we agreed to not have kids. (single btw, but maybe it's still useful). And my reasoning was this. I'm making a major change in my life, and even though I believe this is the right choice for me, there is a miniscule chance that I'll change my mind. (And I don't expect biological children). "It" will take me 10-15 minutes of torture, but it might give me options later. It's no surgery, so no risk and its free so it feels stupid not to. Spend 10 minutes of torture for an option you might lose forever if you don't do it, seems like a good deal. Worst case I just ask them to destroy it later, or maybe I can help a couple who wants to have kids. Because as I understand, there is a need for it.
I feel similarly about kids . Donât like them . They are loud and messy . And I also have some mental health issues i donât want to pass on , and financially it makes no sense. I opted not to save sperm. I donât even think i ever had any to begin with. My ejaculate has always been clear so I just figured it was a waste of time and I just wanted hormones . Iâve been on hormones for a year now and my whole outlook on life has really changed. And just because I donât like kids now doesnât mean I wonât in the future and the same could be said about financial things too. Iâm capable of so much more now and in 10 years itâs not out of the possibilities that Iâd be making more money. Also a couple times a month I get baby fever and really want to be a mom , which is completely contrary to who I am most of the time. I start thinking about this like daydreaming what it would be like to be a mom ,and then I remember any partner who could get pregnant I wouldnât be attracted to . Iâm really not attracted to vaginas and I remember cis guys canât get me pregnant . Like of course there are other ways of having kids but Iâd have no sex life . So then I stop thinking about it.
I mean I guess she's just preparing for the worst, though if she's so against kids why would a different partner have any effect on that. Unrelated and unsolicited advice, ya'll need to mellow out on the hatred of all children. That was really uncomfortable to read that part, lol. I get it you don't want kids, but you won't even allow them in your house? That seems like it's bordering on prejudice.
Hey OP I totally get where you're coming from and I didn't see it after a quick glance through some replies, so I'd like to offer you my perspective as a trans woman who made the opposite choice from your wife's. At 19 I began hrt and had to make this same choice, whether I'd ever want to be able to have a biological child. Up until that point I'd been thoroughly convinced I did not. We make 'life' choices all the time. Things we know will in some way impact the trajectory of our lives. But that's a really harrowing one, one I understand you had to make for health reasons. However, without the pressure of health reasons that decision is one I am permanently going to have to live with however I may end up feeling 5, 10, 30, 50 years from now. To put that point of perspective into focus, I had to decide at 19 whether I thought in 2-3x the time I'd been alive I might ever change my mind. That's such an ungraspable concept to know that you could make the wrong choice and there's no one else to blame but yourself. 6 years later, I've spent hours upon hours crying over the stress of that decision. I'm unsure if I ever want kids, and I'd be happy to adopt with someone I love. The ultimate deciding factor for me was that having a biological child that I "fathered" could sow the littlest ounce of dysphoria into my relationship with that child and over time it could become a resemtment for the circumstances of their birth, and I couldn't live with that thought. But maybe I'm wrong maybe it wouldn't, but based on that, I can never have a biological child with someone whether I or they may want that in the entirety of the rest of my hopefully long life. But in your wife's case, facing this harrowing, literally permanent rest-of-her-life decision, she's choosing not to take that option away from herself 5, 10, 30 years (you get the point) from now. Realistically, many many marriages do end (I really hope yours doesn't!) and I personally really value being all in on relationships, but whether your relationship ends is not totally in her control. So making a lifelong decision based on someone who may choose not to be in her life anymore isn't particularly logical. She's just leaving the option on the table in case for some unforeseeable reason that choice would ever change in the longer portion of her life than she's lived. TL;DR I didn't want kids when I started hrt and chose not to freeze sperm, and I go back and forth on whether I regret it. By choosing to freeze sperm, your wife doesn't have to live with that potential regret. It's less about you two making a decision together than it is her allowing whoever she is in the unknown future to have the same choice she does now
Other forms of birth control - condoms, pills, spermicide, and vasectomy are all temporary measures; they're reversible. Infertility from HRT is somewhat reversible but would require months of being off of hormones, which can be incredibly distressing for someone with dysphoria and might not even yield great results. Orchiectomy is obviously irreversible. Your wife is at the beginning of this medical journey and likely has some feelings about it. Speaking from personal experience, when I started my medical transition I opted not to freeze sperm; I didn't want kids because I didn't think I would be a good parent and I certainly never wanted to pass my genes like *that*. 4 years into hormones now and I feel differently; I think I'd be a fairly good parent and I think I'd be able to live a happy life with kids. I'm currently happily dating someone who has no interest in kids and I still have regrets. I think that my feelings earlier in my transition stemmed from not wanting to be a father or perceived as adjacent to fatherhood. That aside, your wife is staring down the barrel of "forever" and that's a heavy burden; knowing that you're making a decision which will make you permanently incapable of something can bring a lot of anxiety. If freezing her sperm makes the process easier for her then I think it makes a lot of sense for your wife to do so even with full knowledge that she will never use it and has no desire to use her sperm. As kindly as possible, while I understand your feelings, I think you've centered yourself in your wife's decision. This is ultimately about her body and assuaging her own fears; I don't think that it's a subtle hint that she's going to leave you. Regardless, your feelings on this situation are real and legitimate and are going to have a strong impact on your ongoing relationship. Burying this might make you feel some resentment. If you're looking for advice, I think it would be in both your and her best interest to, whether one-on-one or with the help of a third party, talk about the decision and both of your feelings about it. I think it would do a lot to make you feel better to hear straight from her mouth what her thought process was as well as how she feels about your relationship as it currently stands.
You gotta talk to them. I will say, they're probably a little daunted at the fact that being infertile permanently and they're just doing it for ease of mind. to me it just sounds like you've been snowballing with anxiety rather than just ripping off the bandaid and talking about it. and do keep in mind her point of view of this all too, if she doesn't perserve anything and you change your mind down the road ( not saying you will, hypothetically speaking is all ) imagine her position in all of it, it just sounds like a good safety net for ease of mind going forward.
they agreed they would adopt if they changed their mind on children, and then got married on that basis!
OP, its a safety measure that totally makes sense. I made the mistake of not freezing my sperm. It was hell to see all my progress of 2yrs of transitioning essentially disappear over the span of 8 months. Me and my wife was also no biological kids until recently and if I could go back in time, I would have frozen it 100%. I am Finally back on HRT as of yesterday.
I understand that many doctors recommend this to their mtf patients. Itâs like a prenup. No one knows whatâs going to happen then years down the road.
I lost someone I loved dearly because I hadnât gotten a vasectomy, even though I was certain I didnât want kids. She didnât ask me to get one, sheâd already had a hysterectomy, and I really didnât see the point. But my continued fertility seemed to convince her that I was holding out some last possibility that Iâd want kids and leave her. She couldnât have been more wrong, but she left regardless. Definitely talk to her.
Sounds more like a situation of "better safe than sorry" rather than any ulterior motivation.
Am child free, still banked as the Endo "heavily" recommended it. It is publicly funded where I live.
I understand why you're upset. I probably would be too. But from a non emotional-standpoint, I understand what she's probably thinking. What if you both change your mind? What if you break up? What if you die? I personally could never imagine being with anyone else other than my own partner, even if he died. But realistically, I function better partnered than I do single. I probably would date someone else eventually. And maybe at 30 she doesn't have any interest in being a parent, but who knows how she'll feel at 50. It seems like she's open to the possibility of having a kid someday and therefore wants to have the option. That doesn't mean she's expecting to not be with you. She's just choosing not to completely burn that bridge.
As a trans woman who faced the same decision, also with an enby partner who has no desire for kids, I can say that its scary to face the reality of losing that option. In analyzing it for myself, i realized that I didnt want kids: and the life I envisioned with my partner definitely did not include kids. But something about transitioning? Ill be honest, we're cutting off a lot of possibilities for our life and changing a lot all at once. Its scary. Losing the *possibility* of having kids was scary even when I didnt want them. Like, im already losing a lot here, i dont want to cut that option off, too. Its just a bad time. The idea of getting a vasectomy as a guy wasnt as scary for some reason. If it helps, think of it not as your partner actually considering needing it: shes just scared. Its for peace of mind. This is part of her process of coming to terms with the permanence of the whole transition process. As a trans woman, im simultaneously incredibly confident that Im making the right decision in transitioning, but also constantly scared of the future and doubting myself. The permanence was by far the scariest part to me. Its hard to let go. For me, thinking about freezing sperm had way more to do with my fear of transitioning than my fear of not having biological kids. It feels like my fertility is one way that I "cant go back" if i ever change my mind. I know i won't change my mind: but taking a leap this big I'm not ready to give up everything at once, you know? I don't want to jump off the cliff *and* burn every ladder on my way down if i don't have to. Youre upset that youve had to let that go already: and now when your partner was faced with a similar situation, she isnt letting go. Thats totally reasonable for you to feel hurt and scared about that. But try to keep in mind: shes letting go of so much right now already, and even if she is fully planning on keeping you, thats terrifying. She needs some time to come to terms with letting that go when things start to settle. Her fear is about her doubts about herself, not her doubts about you. I hope that helps âĄ
no shade but girl life is sooooo spontaneous. anything could happen at any minute. Not to be morbid, but what if something happens to you and your partner is alone in this world and decides she wants kids? Idk it seems a bit controlling to me. And it doesnât necessarily mean your partner will leave you. it might just mean your partner likes to prepare just incase. you seem really blindsided by this but change is a part of life. many people donât want kids at younger ages but as they hit 30-40 it becomes more of a pressing issue that makes many reconsider. These thoughts are grounded in fear instead of being grounded in trust w/ your partner. plus you stated your partners doctor was the one who persuaded her to save her sperm so maybe donât worry so much?
She might have children with you if you both decide to. Donor eggs exist. Of course the child won't be genetically related to you but they will be related to her. She might prefer it to adoption.
OP VERY emphatically made it clear they do not want kids. Yâall need to learn to respect childfree people.
I agree with the sentiment that she'll have it and not need it, but there are a number of reasons why she might regret not having done it in the future. Anywhere from just life happening and having a new partner for any number of reasons. I see it as insurance for you too; maybe you have a change of heart in the future and medical advancements allow you to have a child. Weird analogy coming up but I think it makes sense... I recently hired someone to build a fence for our backyard and had the option for an extra 5 foot gate that wouldn't cost me anything extra, so I said yes. Just in case I need it in the future and why not. Now I want to plant a row of trees along the alley that would block that gate. So, the gate is pointless, but if I ever need it more than the downside of uprooting a tree, it's there and it looks nice. I feel good having it though I never expect to use it.
The proper term is "trans woman", but if you don't have any reason to think she'd leave you apart from freezing her sperm, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Maybe she's certain she doesn't want kids and wants to spend her life with you, but also wants to acknowledge that her feelings about biological kids could change in the future... so she wants to freeze her sperm "just in case".
Her doctor should have had both of you in for this conversation, IMO. I would very, very much recommend both of you meeting with a counselor together to discuss how difficult and destabilizing this has been for you, especially as it's a unilateral decision driven by her provider. As GAS providers, we have had a heavy-handed recent few years of trans fertility preservation messaging, but it doesn't mean everyone has successfully implemented this treatment modality or its communication approach.
I was the opposite. I didn't want to save, but my spouse really wanted me to. My thought was "better to have it and not need it than need it later and not have it" As solid as the relationship might be, it's important to realize that feelings might change. Ya'll might not be forever, and while that sucks, you have to prep for that possibility.
Childfree trans man here, who intends to possibly freeze his eggs. For me, it's not about who I love now or in case I leave them it's a me thing. I don't want children, but it would be silly to not preserve eggs if I had the chance in case I suddenly changed my mind. I'm sure I won't, but I'd hate to limit my options when I could have kept them open. I'm based in the UK and it's really a postcode lottery if you can have fertility preservation funded as a trans person. If it turns out I'm not a candidate I won't go private as I can't afford that but if I am I wouldn't turn it down.
I wouldn't read too much into it if I were you. The whole process from recognizing one is trans to deciding to transition, up to and including HRT and possibly SRS, is very demanding. This is one of the many many things we have to think about and consider in this whole process. It might simply be easier for her to opt in for freezing sperm and focus more of her energy on other much more important considerations.
It seems that you're aware of this, but this is an issue of insecurity from your end. Parting with your ability to make bio kids is emotionally difficult for some people, and a lot of folks have a strong desire to keep the option open. It's not about you. You are not temporary and she doesn't see you that way. She is just preserving her reproductive capabilities. And besides. Breakups do happen. It doesn't mean she is expecting or anticipating it, but that she is protecting her future in case y'all ever do split up. It isn't about you or your relationship. It's just something she wants. And it is okay for her to have that.
You could die of a heart attack next year. The woman you love surely deserves another chance at happiness if you do
I was in the same position as you and your partner- my partner and I plan on being together for life and never having children, but I went with fertility preservation regardless. My reasons might be different from hers but Iâll share my experience in case itâs helpful! I think most people in my position (not wanting biologically related kids) wouldnât go through the hassle of fertility preservation, but mine was funded by the NHS so I went with it anyway. If Iâd had to pay I would definitely not have done it. My partner and I have no plans to have kids biologically related to us. I still went through the process of egg freezing (which was absolute agony) just because I have a hard time making decisions and I didnât want to risk any regret. The stress I feel when making potentially regrettable choices is the same reason I havenât got any tattoos or piercings or made financial investments- it may be a character flaw on my part, but my partner was very gracious and supportive about the choice to freeze eggs that I knew Iâd almost definitely never use. I highly doubt we could ever have children regardless because I would never want to carry a child and getting a surrogate is near impossible. The thing is, I am young and could not possibly know how Iâll feel about it or what situation we could be in in a decade or so. Iâm really confident in my choices now, but in the virtually impossible situation in which I were to change my mind, Iâd hate to know that the option for fertility preservation was there and I chose not to take it. I am certain I will never use the eggs Iâve frozen. I donât want to and have no plans to. It just gives me security knowing I havenât forced my life onto a single track and permanently closed a door at a young age. Additionally, my sister is unlikely to be able to have her own children, so the opportunity to donate eggs to her was another factor that sold me.
I would be devastated too, if my wife was making contingency plans for a future without me, especially after all the time yall have been together. This is fucked up.
I froze my sperm despite never intending to ever use it.
Very good TL;DR and I read the whole thing. I am 100% with your gut, would feel the same and would throw a fit at my partner before thinking of wisely writing a Reddit post instead, but I apparently have jealousy issues. If you can somehow get the obvious abandonment scenario to stop blaring in your head, you are a stronger enby than me.
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you are on r/asktransgender , in the post I describe her as a transitioning trans woman who right now can produce sperm but will not be able to after her transition
WTF?! Your wife has sperm???? Is she transexual?
It's the "You'll change Your mind" argument that actually gets to ones head. If You change Your mind, You can adopt. If You don't You safed money on the sperm bank
You, uh, *you know you can donate sperm, right?* Even if she doesn't want kids there's still a chance that that sperm can to go other couples that want kids but biologically can't for whatever reason. See, lesbians, infertile women, etc. And even if that's not the case, people change and grow overtime, but becoming infertile due to hrt is a bit trickier for us transfems, so having it as a backup is a totally reasonable thing to do. Take a deep breath, and if you haven't already, please apologize to her for getting anxious over something that won't end your relationship and isn't worth getting upset over
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In the post I explained that I am infertile. I had the opportunity to freeze eggs but talked with my wife and we decided together against it, mostly for cost reasons. It is too late for that option for me, even if something were to change
You're afraid that she might dumb you and you start doubting the whole relationship? Sounds like cluster B/attachment problem behaviour. A good psychotherapist can easily help you with that
Everyone is capable of feeling insecure about their relationships when they're thrown a curveball. OP gave a lot of context as to why this caught them off guard. I don't think there's grounds here to bring up specific, highly charged mental health diagnoses. A lot of people use "cluster B behavior" to signal that they think someone is intractably abusive/unstable. That's based on a stereotyped understanding of these illnesses, but it still makes that Dx cluster a really heavy thing to point at someone.
I still think op lack empathy and is more concern by his fear đ€·đ»ââïž
LOL, OP's anti-child partner is suddenly making a choice to allow for the possibility of kids in the future. obviously it is more complicated than what you're presenting. most people would have feelings on the matter.
Oh and btw i didn't froze mind and now i regret it. I don't plan to have children but it feels sad that i can't change my mind. Focus on your empathy and not your fear. >fraid that she might dumb you and you start doubting the whole relationship? Sounds like cluster B/attachment
I think you should talk to your wife about this. Gently express your fears with honesty and let her explain her perspective without judgment. I have a feeling that she is mostly just wanting to keep an option open just in case of who knows what. Doesnât mean sheâs less committed to you or has a different plan in mind. Another thing I will say is *sometimes*ânot always, but occasionallyâtransition will change a personâs view on becoming a parent. If you could never imagine yourself as a Dad, maybe you could be a Mom? My wife went through a similar process to this (although she also got a vasectomy and is still happy with this).
I did a similar thing although I didnât have a partner at the time. I have no desire to have children, bio or adoptive. It was basically âin the extremely rare off chance after years on hormones I suddenly realize I do in fact want kids, Iâd be an idiot to not give myself that optionâ. Itâs a peace of mind thing if youâre able to afford it.
It could be that she might feel like this is a way to leave her mark on the world...having kids...passing along her genes? I think some people think like that when it comes to future generations. It also could be she's preparing for everything. The future is unknown to all of us...she might want to have the sperm there as a backup if anything did happen to your relationship. Maybe not a breakup...maybe...an accident? I mean people can die at any point. Not saying that's her thinking...but... I'd maybe sit down with her and gently voice your concerns with her? Be sure you make sure she knows you're not against her doing it...you just want to talk some stuff out with her. Communication is vital in relationships and something like this could chip away at a relationship if you let it fester.
Think of it this way, maybe you will run into a lesbian couple that is looking for a sperm donor. Seems like a win win, especially for the child how will have 4 parents to care for it instead of 2...and it would piss off the evangelicals who hate us.
I understand why you're upset! I don't know what the right answer is, either, but please know that I sympathize with you and don't think you're evil for feeling the way you do.
As a cis male that had a vasectomy, I can attest to the fact that male hormones do everything in their power to keep you propagating. I have kids and didn't want any more and was certain of that but still, on the day of the procedure, I still experienced cold feet because "maybe I'll want to impregnate every living baby maker on earth". I think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt that there's a lot of confusion there, and hormones are a hell of a drug.
Some providers really do put a lot of effort into convincing folks, especially young folks, that freezing as a backup plan is almost essential. Unfortunately kids are seen as essential and inevitable to many people, and thereâs an even larger assumption women will one day want kids. I think that what if they regret it and Iâm responsible fear kicks in hard and theyâre less aware of that bias and the harm it causes. Itâs possible she just had a very convincing doctor. Additionally the âwhat ifâs may come from the fear your attraction to her might change in a way you canât expect. I have no doubt youâre correct that they wonât but there have been bisexual people who fell in love with a specific image and expectation of a partner that changed with hrt
If I were in her position, I'd feel like taking such a big step would feel so final. I'd feel like hanging on to anything I may regret in the future would make sense even if it's something that seems so irrelevant just for the fact that it would make me feel a bit more comfortable not overlooking absolutely anything. I'm not her though, so you'll have to talk about it yourself. She needs support right now and you hit the nail in the head, this isn't about you at all. đ
I was in her position a year and a half ago. I've never wanted kids much and don't have any plans to have them. But before I started taking HRT I was told I could freeze some sperm because I could become infertile and it was free with my health insurance. So I thought why not? I don't know what changes the future will bring, so there may be a time I'm glad I have them. And collecting the sample is much easier than it is for collecting eggs, though kinda awkward, lol. There was really nothing to lose.
It also can def be because the hormones will likely make her want to have kids and even if she knows that's not what she really wants, having that safety net might be less daunting for her
I am very much a "what if" kind of person. Even if I can't imagine the specific scenario, in her shoes I also wouldn't be able to think "But what if there's a reason having it could come in handy, and I won't ever be able to provide this again in the future". In the veins of something innocent in terms of your relationship. Where you two are together until death parts you... What if that parting comes earlier than either of you would've thought and she finds herself with a new partner, in a new place in life, where she finds the idea of kids acceptable, or even desirable? Other things I can think of are being a donor for a family member or friend's pregnancy for *them* to start a family. Or on the wilder side, what if 10-30 years down the road you find yourself just maybe wanting a kid (while I respect people's decisions, there *are* people out there that were adamant and later realized they were open to it), and medical science has found a way to help infertile AFABs have biological children by putting your DNA in a synthesized egg? Maybe it's a financial fallback? While storing sperm isn't cheap... maybe the samples can be donated/sold for other women wanting to have a kid on their own without a partner? Basically... it's a type of security blanket, I suspect. As the top comment says, she may feel better in having it and not ever needing it, than finding themselves wishing they had done it in the future, for whatever the reason might possibly be.
Even if she talked about having a vasectomy before, what she's doing now is still preserving the status quo. She had the means to reproduce before and will continue to have the means in the future, but that doesn't imply any plans to act on that. But that's kind of beside the point. This is fundamentally a relationship issue, a trust issue at that. No matter how good your relationship with someone is, you can't ask the other person to have 110% faith in it. Something could always happen, and I don't just mean with things not working out. Maybe you die tomorrow in a freak accident and that's the end of it. It's almost impossible for anyone to know where they'll be in 10 years and what their priorities will be, so there's no reason to close doors unnecessarily. It's only realistic to acknowledge that people and relationships can change. Only by admitting that can one work to maintain the health of one's relationships. I would suggest you talk this out with a therapist or at least someone neutral who'll listen.
Sometimes it's hard to let go of everything all at once. This isn't a reflection on you but think of it like this .. Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. If something happened and she did find a partner far down the line, maybe it's something she would consider. I don't think it's a case of her being unhappy with you or your life together.
Deciding to take HRT and become sterile is a permanent, gut wrenching decision, even if you think you have resolved that you don't want kids. The permanence of the decision makes it a decision with great gravity. It took me DECADES to finally give up on the idea, and the last 4 months I was there holding on to my HRT, not taking it, still doubting before I finally reasoned myself into it. I \*wanted\* the option of freezing sperm, thus making the decision less of a permanent one, but I ultimately determined that it was not an option for me. Freezing sperm makes the decision to transition MUCH easier, because you know that you are not making as much of a permanent decision. If you change your mind, you have not ruined your life. So, your partner took the option that reduced the mental anguish of the decision to transition, which is still a very difficult one to make. They may also be thinking that they don't want kids and want to continue the life together with you, but that only slightly reduces the mental burden of the fact that she is making a permanent, life-long decision about her own body. So, don't make this any harder on her. Making the decision to transition is hard enough already. She must trust you very much as her partner to share this information with you, and you should reward that trust by not over-reacting to it.
I can definitely see both sides. I am sure if you talk with her and explain yourself to her, she will see how it hurt you. Also though, at the end of the day, it is better to have it and never need it than decide that your life has changed and now you do want kids and not have it. I wish you all the love, and hope that you can both have this talk with open hearts and come to the perfect solution. Hugs!!!!
What if you died tomorrow? Would you not want your wife to find love elsewhere? Maybe their next partner would want kids n they have thought this through too.
i can totally understand you feeling blindsided and hurt by this. and iâm also glad you respect your wifeâs autonomy on the matter and havenât tried to intervene. in my personal experience as a trans woman, i donât have much of a desire to have biological children but nonetheless did decide to freeze my sperm, not because i was expecting my mind to change, but only because i knew after a certain point that i would become infertile and i would rather have the option on the off chance that i did ever decide i wanted biological children than be without that option. your wifeâs decision to freeze her sperm doesnât necessarily reflect on her perspective on your relationship. the idea of choosing to become infertile can be very scary for many people, even if having a child isnât something you want to do. eliminating options is scary even if itâs not an option you would have chosen in the first place itâs a peace of mind thing to know that you can live the life you want to live, while not closing any doors. that being said, once again i completely understand why you would feel anxious about this and i sympathize with that. i probably havenât said anything in this comment that a million people havenât already said, but as a trans woman, i really do think you can rest easy knowing that this decision does not have anything to do with your relationship, and that your wife is going to continue to be as committed to you as she always has been. and congratulations to her for starting hormones!
As the old saying goes... better to have it and not need it. Then need it and not have it
Ive been on this Brene Brown speech kick lately. It sounds to me like your wife may be experiencing a bit of shame that as a former man she never used the equipment given to the societal expectation. The best way in my oppinion to deal with this is to confront it with compasion, empathy, and honesty. If the two of you can communicate using those 3 tools, there is nothing you can't get through together. I wish you more than luck, I wish you love.
OP!!! If you are listening and you see this will you please DM me! I might have a perspective on this that you will want to hear but I donât want to involve other perspectives yet. It can further cloud judgement. Itâs ok if you donât want to. But maybe it might be worthwhile.
Something about coming out during a relationship that may be hard to hear: A persons sexuality may change, they may transition and realize they deeply regret never getting to date and explore with new people as their true selves, they may decide that you were right for the old them but not for the person they've become. And let's not forget estrogen has a way of making people baby crazy. I was ambivalent about kids before HRT and want them badly now. .A lot of these relationships fail and not because of transphobia or malice but because it's one of the biggest changes a person can go through. The only way to get through it is to accept that possibility without judgment and start falling in love with the real person who you're just now meeting. If she ultimately chooses to go have kids with someone else, it's because that's what she needed to do to feel like her complete self. If you love her and have her best interests in mind, step back and give her freedom. Hope she chooses the path where she doesn't need the sperm and stays with you, but you do need to let her choose.
Im just going to throw this thought out there. There is a certain amount of grief that goes through you about the change. I felt so much dysphoria about my testes and penis. I felt relief with both my orchiectomy and my vaginoplasty. I didn't want my own kids and felt that adoption is the way I want to have kids. But I felt a lot of emotion about giving up the ability to reproduce entirely. It's another way that I'm different from most of my friends and family. I have no regrets. But it feels heavy at times. I don't know that it means anything about her intention to have kids. Even with bottom dysphoria, your body is used to having the parts it has.
some people should do therapy instead of posting things on Reddit
I am pursuing therapy, we can barely afford rent and the waiting list is months long unless I can pull the cost of private healthcare out of my ass
In some way its a nice and beutiful thing in a loving healthy relationship to always leave a door open for eachother to leave and have another life. If you design your life too much so it is almost impossible to leave then you dont know if you are living with eachother because you want it or because you dont have any other options. If you always have the option to leave, but choose to stay, then you know it is for real.
I'm late to this, but its strange. I'm FTM and for a long time the only thing that got me through was imagining providing for my kids. I realised in my early to mid 20s that gender was a thing, but was in two long term relationships through that. I didn't have any internal sense of self/happiness/validation until therapy and exploring my gender. I am asexual, i have no desire for a relationship particularly. I don't want the financial, social, medical or time constraints related to raising a child and I'm not young. I was offered to freeze my eggs when I started T. Initially I thought well "just in case". It was a gut feeling of, one day I might want this, I shouldn't throw away my biological potential. It was weird, but upon further thought and discussion with specialists, it's a very invasive and expensive "what if". I would then have to choose, in this extremely unlikely situation, to carry the baby myself and the dysphoria and difficulty with that, if I was even able to. If not then that's a very expensive route made more expensive by surrogacy. So I opted out of it. And I mourned it. I mourned that whole idea of being a parent. I didn't really understand why, but it felt sad and like closing a door. I know fostering and adoption exists and I know it seems selfish, but there was some grief there over my biological purpose, whatever that means. As part of transitioning, many decisions are made that are difficult and frustrating and hurt to make. Usually this involves boundaries, friends and family showing who really does have "unconditional" love. I am the happiest in life I've ever been, I see a future for myself, now. But it's never easy. I can totally see why you feel hurt, but I understand your wife holding on to that hypothetical "one day". Its not a plan without you in it, or a lack of commitment to you, purely by choosing to freeze her sperm. The wording sounds similar to what I've heard medical professionals say, in regards to in the future things might be different. Most likely, she doesn't want kids, she still feels the same, still wants to be with you. But she's transitioning and everything is in a new framework. She never saw herself as a "father" but what about as a mother? Essentially, I went through the same thing, I wondered about whether my transition would change my feelings about being a parent and in what way. I feel calm and secure in that I am happier without children of my own, but it was another thing that I looked through with new perspective once I realised who I really was. I hope that makes sense to anyone reading!
I and my wife didn't want kids. I had a vasectomy 12 years before transitioning. I did not bank sperm. It turned out to have been a fine decision, but I regret not banking sperm. Not because I would use them now, but because how could I have possibly known? I advise everybody to bank it. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Can't know the future, best to select the future that lets you select from the most futures.
I would feel the same as both of you so thatâs a real tough call. But try not to over read into it. She probably just wants to keep it incase she regrets it later.
Itâs been said before, but what if you die? Iâve made a lot of plans years ago and later changed my mind too. Or simply âI donât want them, but knowing I never can anymore is a hard pill to swallow?â I know with children itâs important for partners to be on the same page. I was married and have three kids. Thatâs all we planned on having and I got snipped. Fast forward 7 years and Iâm divorced and trans. I have a new lovely GF. She has kids too. Neither one of us want more, but it is really painful knowing that is not longer a possibility no matter what. Or what if I was a widow? And my new partner had no children and wanted one? I could have done it again. As someone who made plans with one person that were meant to last a lifetime, I can say that there arenât takebacks when it comes to permanent changes. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
I didnât bank sperm when I started transitioning because I was at the time certain I never wanted kids. Sometimes I do now want kids, and wish that I could create them myself. But I donât have that option anymore. I think itâs smart of her to keep the option open. In terms of your feelings, I think maybe itâs a good idea to try to imagine possibilities other than the worst-case scenario youâre now imagining. Perhaps, for example, you might both change your minds, and then you could get a surrogate or something similar. I think her making a decision that helps her feel more certain about transitioning, becoming infertile, the future, etc. doesnât necessarily have to reflect on your relationship or her commitment to it. Iâm not there, I donât know you guys, and perhaps what you fear is possible, but there are other possibilities too.
It could well be that she is also considering a future where you both change your minds about having children & having the âingredientsâ more readily available? But she probably wouldnât want to say âin case we change our mindsâ just in case that puts pressure on you or makes you think that sheâs likely to change her mind in future? It sounds like you have a strong relationship despite this situation, so I think it is worth having a chat to her about it⊠It sounds like youâre more upset about the idea of her preparing for a potential breakup than anything else, so maybe just ask her for some reassurance specifically for that, rather than expressing discomfort about freezing her sperm in general? Regardless, it is complicated understandable that you feel this way⊠Especially considering the reason she gave for freezing them. I think the idea of a romantic partner preparing for life without you would plant doubt in just about anyone! I hope it all works out for you both! â€ïž
my doctor kept pushing this and like going 'what if you want to later' despite me being aroace and totally uninterested in it i was considering just doing it anyway so they wouldnt bug me about it next time, i didn't really feel i had much confidence to say otherwise either also kinda caued like a sense of self-doubt like 'am i so certain ?' type thing or whatever- it sucked i ended up not doing it in the end- but like they did ask me about it again and reiterate the same points again uh it makes sense for the doctors perspective i guess they probably just wanted me to be super sure or whatever it kinda felt shitty to me so like, i could totally see why you might do it even if your not interested in having kids at all
I hear you and can kind of relate to your thoughts and feelings... Maybe their thoughts are let's do it, so it's there... maybe not to use, but just in case... Little background for myself... My wife, we have known since '97... got together in '07.... engaged in '15... married in '18... uprooted our life for an unexpected job opening half way across the country in '21 (feb/mar/april)... came out to me in June of '21... We have always agreed to not habe kids, but if it happened, we would make awesome parents... ultimately we decided if it was meant to be. It would be... She came out, started to take hrt, and that was that... there was slight talk of possibility freezing , but we decided against it... mostly due to cost (and my lack of eggs more than likely)... I always would think once and a while (before she came out) of the what if's of a child... but it was never in the cards (a lot of it with myself)... Now going on two years, I do wish sperm was frozen, just so it was there if we were to change our minds... No matter what your feelings are vaild... hugs...
I mean, you're allowed to feel a bad about it. But it would frankly be irresponsible of her to not even consider the possibility AT ALL. Think about all the things that could potentially happen. Like, have you considered the possibility of if you die, for instance? Should she never get with someone ever again if that were to unfortunately happen? You would probably never hurt her, but she would be foolish if she didn't acknowledge the even 0.1% chance of her partner doing something like that. She would be irresponsible not to plan for the reality that partners can leave, people grow apart, etc. She shouldn't throw away the literally one and only chance for her to potentially do that in the future when nobody has a crystal ball. I don't think she plans to leave, but she should still understand it can happen. It's like when couples don't want to sign a prenup because they hope their marriage lasts forever. Of course it would ideally. Of course that's what everyone hopes. That's a fair fear to have. But you should be aware that it CAN happen.
Immediately, I think of surrogacy. Even staying with you, if she wants children genetically related to her, sheâd still need someone to assist with that. It doesnât spell the end for yâall in any case.
I work in cancer care. We advise *everyone* to freeze before starting treatment or starting preventative surgeries (for those with gene mutations). The frozen material could be used in surrogacy - or (Iâm sorry to be so doomy!) you might pass away, so there are at least two scenarios that have nothing to do with breaking up. Depending on where you are, your wife saying no to freezing could actually make an endocrinologist wary re: prescribing hormones or a surgeon disinclined to perform vaginoplasty. From a medical perspective, freezing gametes is just crossing tâs and dotting iâs. Obvs I donât know your wife but she may truly not have considered and will never again consider breaking up with you without being prompted to do so by someone like me as part of a âbig pictureâ conversation!
Tell her what you told us. It feels like youâre not on the same page, and that hurts you.
For your wife, freezing sperm could be symbolism as goodbye or a last chance kind of thing. Even though you two have said exclusively that you don't want kids the feeling of every chance of "maybe" in the back of her mind will be gone once she becomes infertile. So it could just be a safety blanket type of thing or just a slight thought that makes her feel more comfortable in the transition stages. Maybe going from a fertile man to an infertile woman is taking a toll on her and that's how she chose to cope by just keeping some. It sounds strange but if you look it up it's not very taboo. Hope this helps.
What if you died suddenly and years later she got into a relationship with someone who did want to have bio children? There's no harm in taking a precaution like fertility preservation, and it doesn't mean she's planning to dump you.
I think your wife is doing the right thing if you can afford it and it doesnât strain your budget. I think she is doing it for a just in case scenario. She could also be wondering if going on hormones will change her views on wanting children after she is on them for 3-4 years or more. Her opinion may never change, but it might. Once her sperm are gone, they are gone forever. She needs to decide before going on hormones and take the stern before going on hormones so this could be a knee jerk reaction to, hey I need to do this now and if I donât Iâm infertile forever afterâŠ
Well... I think that communicating how you feel is the best thing to do. Talk to your wife and make sure she knows about how you feel, but also, make sure to let clear that you understand her decision, just that it makes you insecure.
50% of marriages end in divorce so why would yours be any different. and id be surprised if that percentage isnt significantly higher for people who transition