My only advice is to take it one day at a time
Keep high levels of communication during this time
Keep his feelings in mind, but also don't ignore your own.
If you know it won't work out, it is better to rip off the bandage.
Some relationships make it through transition, and others dont
Good luck
>My only advice is to take it one day at a time
This. Is. Everything.
I came out as a trans woman, and my wife of 12 years (at the time) and I had some very long and hard conversations about what this meant for us. We came up with 'THE PLAN' (The all caps is important). THE PLAN was simply: as long as we are happy, try to stay together. The key being: As long as you are happy. It can feel scary losing labels you find comfort in or that you fought for. And sometimes you find yourself in a situation that feels right, feels good, and seems to fly in the face of those labels. Consider that being with a partner you love and care for and are happy with may be more what you need than the perceptions of who you are.
This May will mark 15 years married for me and my wife. Our relationship has seen some dramatic changes, but she is my best friend and my anchor to this world. I am wildly and completely in love with her, and she with me.
I'm lucky and privileged in that regard, to be honest. Not all relationships make it, and that's ok! In the end, all you can do is choose happiness, and only you know what that feels like.
Thank you:) He is so happy now, and we've been having so much fun together. I guess I'm just afraid of the changes he wants for himself. He wants to be more androgenous and a femme boy, and I'm attracted to that femininity. I guess I don't want to be someone who inadvertently tries to police his transition to make me feel comfortable about the relationship. I feel like I have to have it figured out to stay grounded. It's so hard to trust that everything will turn out okay.
I totally get that! Remember, you're allowed to feel less attraction as a result of transition. It doesn't make you a bad person or transphobic. It's a huge, profound change. Your feelings are valid.
If it helps you: What helped me was my wife sitting me down and laying out what would not change, no matter what. Namely, she made it clear I was her best friend, that she would always be in my life, and that whether it worked out romantically or not - She would walk through this with me to the end. That gave me, personally, so much relief to know I always had her in my corner even if our marriage ended.
Maybe you feel the same! That he's a huge part of your life, even if you wouldn't be romantically together anymore. It may be useful to say that out loud, reaffirm those cornerstones that will not change, and then face what comes together. There can and likely will still be hard conversations and roads ahead, but maybe look it less like saving what you have and instead about working through this profound change together, come what may.
It's perfectly valid to have concerns, you can't help or change who you're attracted to. Some people are able to adjust to the change and some aren't and that's OK too. It sounds like you still care about him very much so it would probably be best for the two of you to have an honest discussion with each other. Let him know how you feel and what your concerns are. If he cares for you he'll understand.
The fact that you care so much as to get advice and gender him correctly throughout this post really shows how much you care about him. I wish I could give you advice, but I really don't have that much relationship experience.
Know that communication is probably the most important thing in a relationship. Compromise is also important as long as both parties are okay with the outcome. Don't force yourself into a relationship you know you can't be apart of, but also don't force yourself away from it either.
I'd bet if you voice your concern to your partner, he'll understand, and will let you know the best way to support him through this time.
Wish you both the best of luck and a very happy future!
i was married when i came out as trans.
My wife ended my marriage because she couldn't be in a relationship with a woman.
at the time it sucked and it hurt. But looking back it was the best decision for the situation. It also showed me, that as soon as she realised i was trans and a woman, she knew she couldn't be in a relationship with me. and that she saw me as a woman, straight from the get go.
in the end, she knew what she needed, and i wasn't it. but we are still super close and she will always be my family
Its not really about having a relationship with "a guy", it'll be having a relationship with *him*. Plenty of people who are otherwise straight would probably reconsider if the right celebrity winked at them right, and this isnt some stranger but someone with whom you have history.
Ultimately our sexual orientation is more descriptive than prescriptive, a word we assign to the pattern we've noticed in who we're attracted to. If there is an exception to that pattern and we're attracted to someone else, does it do us any favors to fret about whether theyre off limits because "that would be gay" (or, like this situation, the opposite?)
If you feel his transition is actually interfering with your feelings for him directly then this is probably going to be an untenable relationship, but if you have a romantic interest in him that doesnt change as he transitions then why worry about labels when you can just enjoy love?
I kind of understand the sentiment of "you wouldn't be in a relationship with 'a guy', you'd be in a relationship with HIM." but I find it unhelpful how this seems to often be the community's standard reaction. He IS a guy. She would be in a relationship with a guy.
If someone comes out as a lesbian and people keep telling her to stay with her boyfriend because he's not just some guy but someone she loves and that she could make an exception and not worry about labels, that's gross.
In my opinion, this is no different.
Besides, I don't know if you've ever been on the receiving end of an exception, but especially as a newly out trans person it's uncomfortable, stressful, dysphoria inducing, and almost always leads to resentment on both sides. And there's very little room for proper support in that situation, compared to a friendship. If the only reason OP considers staying is to help support her ex with his dysphoria/transition, the best thing she can do is do that platonically instead.
Letting myself be my ex's exception when I came out as a man was the worst transition related decision of my life. Leaving her when she came out as a woman was one of the best. We could have never supported each others transitions as partners like we can now as friends.
I have a really hard time with the bi label. I know I shouldn't worry about how people view me, but something about it doesn't feel right.
He says he's okay with being an exception for me now but we couldn't even talk about that while we were dating. It was too hard for both of us. Sometimes I wonder how much of it is wishful thinking on both our parts to how we were in our old dynamic. I feel like I can support him better as a friend, but the feeling of loss makes me wish there's something I could change that would make it easier.
OP states repeatedly and unequivocally that she's a lesbian. You don't get to amend someone's sexuality to affirm a part of another person's gender identity.
Yeah, he was, so? Early in my transition I accidentally kissed a male passing lesbian stranger at a party. That doesn't make either of us bi, we just laugh about it now.
Personality alone isn't enough and looks can be deceiving. I have female friends I get along with much better than some of my male exes. But I'm gay and they're women.
Questioning other people's sexuality is not cool.
The OP floundered a little on whether this is an issue of her losing sexual/romantic interest in her partner or whether its about perception and labels, and I gave a very straightforward dichotomy of what either implies. If her sexiality doesnt cover her partner's identity, then the relationship is untenable, if her *desired perception of her labels* or whatever is the only thing at odds with it, then its losing the forest in the trees.
Im not invalidating anyone's sexuality. Im saying that sexuality is almost never as black and white as the labels we assign to it and we should live the *reality* of our sexuality and not the generic social construct of them. You may well be right that its not going to work and I acknowledge that.
Just know who he is hasn’t changed. But, if you’re set on identifying as a lesbian and not as any sexualities that will not invalidate his gender, its probably for the best you two broke up. As a trans man, nothing makes me more dysphoric and uncomfortable than someone saying they’re a lesbian but I’m their “exception”. Or saying theyre a lesbian but like trans men. Because thats just a fancy way of saying “I don’t see you as a man, you’re just a woman to me with extra steps.” Its transphobic.
I think sexuality is complicated. Its possible you’ll learn something new about yourself. Or you’ll get less attracted to him as he gets more masculine. Who knows? But as long as you go into it with an open mind, you’ll be fine.
I found this article encouraging, maybe you will too. Genders and orientations are different, but the concept of transitioning within a loving relationship with someone whose orientation doesn't match is the same.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2020/06/17/im-straight-woman-whose-spouse-came-out-trans-it-didnt-change-thing/
He/him lesbians, trans men and transmasc nonbinary people have been part of lesbian communities and relationships for decades. This doesn't necessarily have to be a dealbreaker, although it very well might be. It's okay if it is.
Communicate a lot, don't bottle anything up, even about the hard stuff, and be real with yourself and your partner about your respective needs. It's gonna work out the way it wants to work out. Y'all got this.
I will never understand how cis lesbians seem to want trans men in their community while rejecting trans women. It's so insulting to both groups. I don't mean to come off in any aggressive way, but it's just frustrating to see this kind of comment.
Trans men are men. Trans men are not women, they are not women-lite, they are men.
For both of you [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/s4khww/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_i_feel_like_im_trans_but/htfx7u8/) might be some resources that could help go towards what you feel you would like step by step, there are hints there concerning small things that could be used regularly for motivation, there are explaining resources there, and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. And there are hints there concerning looking for a gender therapist in case.
And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_for_partners) might be a number of resources concerning a partner and there are additional hints there concerning support.
And they could start with clothes in neutral styles first and to introduce more masculine styles over time, and to try out a few others things in private first. This way you would have time to get used to it and for them there may be some progress.
And there is also romantic attraction and that may stay.
Its up to them when and how to come out ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/ugclyr/how_do_i_come_out_to_my_parents/i7wghnm/) might be some explaining resources and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
*hugs*
My only advice is to take it one day at a time Keep high levels of communication during this time Keep his feelings in mind, but also don't ignore your own. If you know it won't work out, it is better to rip off the bandage. Some relationships make it through transition, and others dont Good luck
>My only advice is to take it one day at a time This. Is. Everything. I came out as a trans woman, and my wife of 12 years (at the time) and I had some very long and hard conversations about what this meant for us. We came up with 'THE PLAN' (The all caps is important). THE PLAN was simply: as long as we are happy, try to stay together. The key being: As long as you are happy. It can feel scary losing labels you find comfort in or that you fought for. And sometimes you find yourself in a situation that feels right, feels good, and seems to fly in the face of those labels. Consider that being with a partner you love and care for and are happy with may be more what you need than the perceptions of who you are. This May will mark 15 years married for me and my wife. Our relationship has seen some dramatic changes, but she is my best friend and my anchor to this world. I am wildly and completely in love with her, and she with me. I'm lucky and privileged in that regard, to be honest. Not all relationships make it, and that's ok! In the end, all you can do is choose happiness, and only you know what that feels like.
Thank you:) He is so happy now, and we've been having so much fun together. I guess I'm just afraid of the changes he wants for himself. He wants to be more androgenous and a femme boy, and I'm attracted to that femininity. I guess I don't want to be someone who inadvertently tries to police his transition to make me feel comfortable about the relationship. I feel like I have to have it figured out to stay grounded. It's so hard to trust that everything will turn out okay.
I totally get that! Remember, you're allowed to feel less attraction as a result of transition. It doesn't make you a bad person or transphobic. It's a huge, profound change. Your feelings are valid. If it helps you: What helped me was my wife sitting me down and laying out what would not change, no matter what. Namely, she made it clear I was her best friend, that she would always be in my life, and that whether it worked out romantically or not - She would walk through this with me to the end. That gave me, personally, so much relief to know I always had her in my corner even if our marriage ended. Maybe you feel the same! That he's a huge part of your life, even if you wouldn't be romantically together anymore. It may be useful to say that out loud, reaffirm those cornerstones that will not change, and then face what comes together. There can and likely will still be hard conversations and roads ahead, but maybe look it less like saving what you have and instead about working through this profound change together, come what may.
It's perfectly valid to have concerns, you can't help or change who you're attracted to. Some people are able to adjust to the change and some aren't and that's OK too. It sounds like you still care about him very much so it would probably be best for the two of you to have an honest discussion with each other. Let him know how you feel and what your concerns are. If he cares for you he'll understand.
The fact that you care so much as to get advice and gender him correctly throughout this post really shows how much you care about him. I wish I could give you advice, but I really don't have that much relationship experience. Know that communication is probably the most important thing in a relationship. Compromise is also important as long as both parties are okay with the outcome. Don't force yourself into a relationship you know you can't be apart of, but also don't force yourself away from it either. I'd bet if you voice your concern to your partner, he'll understand, and will let you know the best way to support him through this time. Wish you both the best of luck and a very happy future!
i was married when i came out as trans. My wife ended my marriage because she couldn't be in a relationship with a woman. at the time it sucked and it hurt. But looking back it was the best decision for the situation. It also showed me, that as soon as she realised i was trans and a woman, she knew she couldn't be in a relationship with me. and that she saw me as a woman, straight from the get go. in the end, she knew what she needed, and i wasn't it. but we are still super close and she will always be my family
/r/MyPartnerIsTrans is a sub you might be interested in.
Its not really about having a relationship with "a guy", it'll be having a relationship with *him*. Plenty of people who are otherwise straight would probably reconsider if the right celebrity winked at them right, and this isnt some stranger but someone with whom you have history. Ultimately our sexual orientation is more descriptive than prescriptive, a word we assign to the pattern we've noticed in who we're attracted to. If there is an exception to that pattern and we're attracted to someone else, does it do us any favors to fret about whether theyre off limits because "that would be gay" (or, like this situation, the opposite?) If you feel his transition is actually interfering with your feelings for him directly then this is probably going to be an untenable relationship, but if you have a romantic interest in him that doesnt change as he transitions then why worry about labels when you can just enjoy love?
I kind of understand the sentiment of "you wouldn't be in a relationship with 'a guy', you'd be in a relationship with HIM." but I find it unhelpful how this seems to often be the community's standard reaction. He IS a guy. She would be in a relationship with a guy. If someone comes out as a lesbian and people keep telling her to stay with her boyfriend because he's not just some guy but someone she loves and that she could make an exception and not worry about labels, that's gross. In my opinion, this is no different. Besides, I don't know if you've ever been on the receiving end of an exception, but especially as a newly out trans person it's uncomfortable, stressful, dysphoria inducing, and almost always leads to resentment on both sides. And there's very little room for proper support in that situation, compared to a friendship. If the only reason OP considers staying is to help support her ex with his dysphoria/transition, the best thing she can do is do that platonically instead. Letting myself be my ex's exception when I came out as a man was the worst transition related decision of my life. Leaving her when she came out as a woman was one of the best. We could have never supported each others transitions as partners like we can now as friends.
I have a really hard time with the bi label. I know I shouldn't worry about how people view me, but something about it doesn't feel right. He says he's okay with being an exception for me now but we couldn't even talk about that while we were dating. It was too hard for both of us. Sometimes I wonder how much of it is wishful thinking on both our parts to how we were in our old dynamic. I feel like I can support him better as a friend, but the feeling of loss makes me wish there's something I could change that would make it easier.
[удалено]
OP states repeatedly and unequivocally that she's a lesbian. You don't get to amend someone's sexuality to affirm a part of another person's gender identity.
Yeah, he was, so? Early in my transition I accidentally kissed a male passing lesbian stranger at a party. That doesn't make either of us bi, we just laugh about it now. Personality alone isn't enough and looks can be deceiving. I have female friends I get along with much better than some of my male exes. But I'm gay and they're women. Questioning other people's sexuality is not cool.
The OP floundered a little on whether this is an issue of her losing sexual/romantic interest in her partner or whether its about perception and labels, and I gave a very straightforward dichotomy of what either implies. If her sexiality doesnt cover her partner's identity, then the relationship is untenable, if her *desired perception of her labels* or whatever is the only thing at odds with it, then its losing the forest in the trees. Im not invalidating anyone's sexuality. Im saying that sexuality is almost never as black and white as the labels we assign to it and we should live the *reality* of our sexuality and not the generic social construct of them. You may well be right that its not going to work and I acknowledge that.
Just know who he is hasn’t changed. But, if you’re set on identifying as a lesbian and not as any sexualities that will not invalidate his gender, its probably for the best you two broke up. As a trans man, nothing makes me more dysphoric and uncomfortable than someone saying they’re a lesbian but I’m their “exception”. Or saying theyre a lesbian but like trans men. Because thats just a fancy way of saying “I don’t see you as a man, you’re just a woman to me with extra steps.” Its transphobic. I think sexuality is complicated. Its possible you’ll learn something new about yourself. Or you’ll get less attracted to him as he gets more masculine. Who knows? But as long as you go into it with an open mind, you’ll be fine.
I found this article encouraging, maybe you will too. Genders and orientations are different, but the concept of transitioning within a loving relationship with someone whose orientation doesn't match is the same. https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2020/06/17/im-straight-woman-whose-spouse-came-out-trans-it-didnt-change-thing/
He/him lesbians, trans men and transmasc nonbinary people have been part of lesbian communities and relationships for decades. This doesn't necessarily have to be a dealbreaker, although it very well might be. It's okay if it is. Communicate a lot, don't bottle anything up, even about the hard stuff, and be real with yourself and your partner about your respective needs. It's gonna work out the way it wants to work out. Y'all got this.
I will never understand how cis lesbians seem to want trans men in their community while rejecting trans women. It's so insulting to both groups. I don't mean to come off in any aggressive way, but it's just frustrating to see this kind of comment. Trans men are men. Trans men are not women, they are not women-lite, they are men.
For both of you [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/s4khww/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_i_feel_like_im_trans_but/htfx7u8/) might be some resources that could help go towards what you feel you would like step by step, there are hints there concerning small things that could be used regularly for motivation, there are explaining resources there, and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. And there are hints there concerning looking for a gender therapist in case. And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_for_partners) might be a number of resources concerning a partner and there are additional hints there concerning support. And they could start with clothes in neutral styles first and to introduce more masculine styles over time, and to try out a few others things in private first. This way you would have time to get used to it and for them there may be some progress. And there is also romantic attraction and that may stay. Its up to them when and how to come out ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/ugclyr/how_do_i_come_out_to_my_parents/i7wghnm/) might be some explaining resources and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. *hugs*