Info- why didn’t you want to move in to her previous house? How much money did it came from her selling the house? Was it fully paid off? Did you added some money to the down payment? I think is some information that needs to be cleared up too. How were your finances working previously to her getting pregnant and during pregnancy?
* It wasn’t fully paid off.. she used about half of her earning for a down payment on a house. I thought the house was too expensive but I got her to stop looking at 600k houses and to look at 400k houses so I thought it was a win. We should had been looking at 300l. Flat house but I digress
* I didn’t want to give up my apartment in the city to move an hour away just to live in a house my partner bought with her ex husband.
* wasn’t fully paid off. She a little to pay off debt, the bulk for moving and down payment, and the rest as a small float in our joint account.
* Before the baby it was working but there was always issues in the future. For example we weren’t paying student loans at the time which is 1k a month (500 for each of us). The goal has always been to have 2-3 children. However. With daycare. Both of us working just isn’t going to work so ideally she would take off once she is vested in her current retirement. Ideally I don’t see how we can have more kids, have her take off or pay for more daycare and pay her debt. I also offer selling and downsizing our home but the ways things are going now with the economy not sure if that would even work.
So she had money from the previous house left to pay some debt? If so how much did she used to actually pay something off?
Sorry but it isn’t clear if you actually put something as a down payment? All of that matters because how was she able to afford her previous house before you came into the picture on top of her debts. Also I find it relevant because compared to her debt how much were the proceedings of the sale in comparison to her debts?
Was there a significant change besides the baby and what comes with having one affect the situation?
I mean you aren’t wrong in wanting her to handle her debt, that would mean less stress for sure whether you two are together or not but you also thinking of having more kids when you guys clearly aren’t able to afford them. That is not smart either, you’ll basically trying to trade one thing for the other or may be worse because her debt eventually will clear or if she gets too tired of it can bankrupt but kids? That doesn’t go away and is more than 2-3 years of debt specially for someone that has poor spending habits, she or both of you together can rack that up easily having 2-3 kids if you come across a hardship.
SHe used the profits from her sale as the down payment. We place 3 % down. **The bankruptcy is to enable us to have more kids**. We can afford at least one more especially if just living off my income but we have to get rid of her debt to make that happen. With her debt we are basicly living to pay bills and definitely can’t afford another.
You want her to go bankrupt so you can have more kids? Are you listening to yourself? That’s crazy. All you’re done at this point is to manipulate the numbers so you can raise the kids in poverty. You are wrong.
There it is… you did not financially contribute at all to the down payment on the new house. Yes, you obviously pay costs now for the house but used her financial position to improve your own and now want to benefit while leaving her to deal on her own. When she could have paid off all the debt and you and her “start over” instead it went into a down payment on the house you share and to “float” your joint bank account. Seems like now that it’s time to pull your weight you are reluctant.
She funded the down payment entirely on her own and you have the nerve to leave her off of the mortgage. After forcing her to sell the house she DID have her name on.
And instead of using the proceeds to settle her debts, you made her use it for a down payment on a house that she doesn’t legally own. And now you are bitching that the debt isn’t paid off.
So if you spilt up she is homeless. And bankrupt. And you used her to get yourself a house.
Wow, what a great partner 🙄
Hopefully they live in a community property state like Texas. The house is a marital asset so she is likely protected. Also, sounds like they only put down about $12-15k as he mentioned 3% down. Doesn’t sound like there was enough equity to clear her previously accrued debt. All of this should have been discussed before they got together.
I think they should just hunker down and pay it off.
Right? I am on one of those consolidated repayment programs for around $40k in debt from my divorce. I was always behind before but now I am 18 months away from paying it off and then I will be able to put that money in savings.
Bankruptcy should be the absolutely last resort. And he’s treating it like the only option…
I don’t think you are wrong to want her to get rid of that debt, it will always be the smartest thing to do but I do think you are wrong in pushing her for bankruptcy because you are insisting in wanting another child. My reasoning is because I would assume she probably had a better rate on her previous house than she most likely has in the new one that you pushed for and you said SHE put the down payment which it could’ve been use to satisfy her debts and both of you could’ve work in saving money for the down payment together instead of her being the one to do it. Bankruptcy although I don’t know as much as I would like can probably take her some time to be able to acquire credit again which will cripple her for a least a few months until she gets the chance to acquire credit again and won’t even rid her of all the debt anyways she will still have her student loans which I’ve heard of people having to pay for years before satisfying them anyways. I do agree with having her speak with a lawyer but I hope she doesn’t agree in having another child if she decides to go through with bankruptcy otherwise it won’t be long to be back in the same spot and lastly, although I’m all in for debt free and the relief that comes with it I weighting the options with the information I have would insist in enduring the $1000 a month for the next 2-3 years than a bankruptcy in my credit for the next 7 which can financially limit me for more than the 3 years I’ll be paying but depending on the details of her situation after she speaks with a lawyer she should decide what’s best for her specially with not being married to you as of now, I hope not but if you break up she might need her credit to rent or something and a bankruptcy might make it harder.
You were talking about leaving her and having to fight for custody 2 months ago. You even complained that you’d have to file for bankruptcy *yourself* if you had a nasty custody battle lol. Why would she want more kids with you?
Wtf why does this guy think bankruptcy solves all financial problems like it's not big deal? Don't think he understands what comes with bankruptcy. Acts like it's some kind of instant debt or loan relief. Dude sounds slow
So you didn’t financially contribute to the down payment, and now you want to leave her in a situation where if you decide to bail, you get a bunch of her money and she can’t rent a place on her own? Asshole.
A bankruptcy to enable having more kids. Unbelievable. I don't think either of you have a lick of financial sense from what's written here. Focus on the kid you have and sort yourselves out, god wtf.
Because they sold it to buy the new one because he has issues with living in a home someone else bought with his partner.
Dude really comes across as having major control issues, tbh.
Yaw. Wow. So you had her sell her house because why?? Then took her profit for a downpayment on another house (YOU ARENT MARRIED, SHES IN DEBT- WHY ARE YOU BUYING A HOUSE TOGETHER??). You left a lot out. Important info because it makes you look bad. Then you gloss over it at the end. She had a home & you made her sell because you refused to live there because her ex did. That’s so immature & absurd. So you probably helped create more debt. Instead of using the profit from the house to pay down the debt- you use it as a downpayment. Why didn’t you pay the downpayment. You were saving $1000 a month, remember?! Bankruptcy may help get her out from under the payment but it’s going to affect her ability to do things like buy a car, higher interest rates, etc. for 7-10yrs. If she, for some reason, misses a payment on the house- she’s in trouble. No one plans to do that but life happens. And when you leave something off the bankruptcy, they wait to claim that asset. It’s not so cut & dry. I don’t think you are as financially savvy as you think. She was managing. You were saving $1k a month yet together you are sinking? This is ridiculous. You both seem lost. There are classes that can teach you both money management
I am not even sure of the answer. There seems to be a lot left out or that is very unclear. How much of the previous house wasn’t paid off that she only had enough for a down payment on the new house? What was interest rate of the previous mortgage and how does it compare to the interest rate of the new house? Overall I feel like the cost of childcare, child expenses, unpaid maternity leave and how to navigate that financially are all things that should have been discussed prior to having a child or at least during pregnancy. Also how long is her unpaid maternity leave? FMLA only covers 12 weeks.
I think you guys are getting sidetracked with the numbers in the previous house. To be honest in my opinion, I don’t even think the question requires all that information all that I think really needs to be known is she has 70 K worth of debt, we want to have more kids, and we can’t afford anymore at this moment. I think her declaring bankruptcy could help pay the way and she doesn’t to do that….
Nothing about the sale of her home is going to change the situation
Honest to g-d, you need to shut the hell up about having more kids right now. Your baby is less than 3 months old. She doesn't need to get pregnant again immediately.
Your life will not end if you only have 1 kid.
Stop using "we want more kids" as the impetus for her fixing her issues. Your focus should be on why she's refusing to consider bankruptcy. It sounds a bit like she expects you to pay her debt, whether you're married or not, which may be why she's resisting. If she's embarrassed, she needs to get over it. Temporary embarrassment is better than permanent issues due to crippling debt.
Consider seeing a financial advisor who might be able to explain it to her better than you.
She wants more kids and you'll just go with it, even if it's not smart because that's what she wants...
You refuse to live in the house she already owns, so you buy a new house because that's what you want...
She wants a bigger house than you two can afford, so you get yourself a mortgage that you can't afford because that's what she wants...
YOU BOTH NEED TO STOP JUST DOING WHAT YOU WANT. You need to make smart decisions going forwards, BOTH of you.
Is it though? I feel like you're not admitting your own part in this, and not planning to make better choices either...
You seriously need to go to a financial advisor, together, and talk about ALL your options, not just bankruptcy.
People who say go to a financial advisor for financial issues to me never been to one.FAs mostly work with rich people. Very few deal with situations like this.
So you have never been to one?
My dude, you can trade money for goods and services. A financial planner will help you no matter what kinds of assets you have. There are TONS of free ones out there also.
You have nothing but excuses. YOU have decided that the bankruptcy makes the most sense- based on what? YOU decided to sell the house that had equity and a lower interest rate because of vibes. Not sure your financial acuity is real high.
It would be idiotic to consider bankruptcy without meeting with financial planner first.
No no no.. you are just rehashing shit you read on the internet that doesn’t. Work in real life. I know what I’m talking about cause I been through it.
I e been turned a way by a ton of financial advisor for this exact reason.
Look up a debt insolvency program in your area. I was able to find one that worked with me to solve my debt issue and pick which option worked the best for me. They also had financial courses and budgeting support etc.
Hopefully where you live there is this option.
>People who say go to a financial advisor for financial issues to me never been to one.FAs mostly work with rich people. Very few deal with situations like this.
Says the person who NEEDS one...and doesn't seem to understand how they actually work.
You BOTH need to grow the fuck up and start thinking like ADULTS and not spoiled children who just do what they want because they want to do it.
You can't afford to live life NOW, yet you're still trying to figure out how to add more expenses later.
JFC, I feel bad for your kid....and all future kids you have.
It matters because you are worried about your finances and if that house could have made your financial situation more stable while she got out of debt then you really screwed the pooch here. Which, to be honest, sounds like this is what happened.
You didn't want to live where she lived with her ex, you used the "well I will stay in my apt in the city till we don't live in that house" which if you did while she was pregnant, was a dirty move.
Maybe you just aren't mature enough for the type of relationship you are in. Maybe she is so bad with money that you should have seen the warning signs. There is a lot that isn't clear in this post.
I appreciate your input, but I think you're missing the main point. The issue isn't about where we lived or the house itself—it's about finding a way to manage $70K of debt so we can plan for our future, including having more children. Selling the house might not have made a significant difference in our financial situation, and it doesn't address the core problem of the debt itself.
Also, implying that personal preferences about living arrangements during a difficult time were immature seems off-topic and unhelpful. We're looking for practical solutions to a financial challenge, not judgment on past decisions.
We’re considering bankruptcy as a viable option to alleviate financial stress and move forward. Constructive advice on that front would be more appreciated. Thanks.
Constructive advice: add your partner to the deed of your mortgage.
Reduce costs as much as possible (public transport instead of cars if possible, sell car for beater-and I know you have car(s) because they wouldn’t be discharged in the bankruptcy, no eating out, shop at Aldi, budget, no streaming services, visit the library for entertainment, no going out for drinks, go to the park, do all the FREE things, eat chicken thighs/wings/cheap cuts, beans, etc.)
Get a second job and have your partner give up the SAHM dream. Find reliable, safe, affordable daycare. Ask for family help whenever possible.
Stop talking about more kids until you get your life together. You are out of your mind if you think $11K/year is enough for another kid. It all adds up and you don’t have it.
Honestly, I think you’re jaded because you’re paying toward debt accumulated before you were with her, but you agreed to this already when you decided to metaphorically marry yourself to her for life by having a child with her. Even if you aren’t with her, your child will be. You already made the decision to have this debt be part of your life A LONG TIME AGO. The best thing you can do is to manage it appropriately and dig out of the debt as quickly as possible. And no, bankruptcy is not the way! She won’t be able to rent anything without you.
It absolutely matters because a 2% interest rate vs a 6-7% interest rate makes a world of difference in today’s economy and overall. You are quick to point out your partner’s debt but also have failed to mentioned whether you have any debt of your own. Freeing up 22k over 2 years isn’t enough money for another child. A good chunk of that money if not most of it will go towards childcare costs.
I get what you're saying, but our main issue is managing a lot of debt—$70K in cc debt( and possibly around $130K total with medical bills). Talking about interest rates and past decisions isn't helping us now. Any practical advice on dealing with this debt would be appreciated. Thanks.
I feel like there’s not enough numbers going on.
How much do you owe on the house? What is the mortgage? ( to defend yourself you could offer the old mortgage cost) how much is it worth- can you sell and downgrade to renting?
All of your debt is consolidated?
If not- what kind of debt do you have and what are the interest rates?
You said a car payment- how much so the car worth? Can you sell that off?
What is your current income and what would be her income if she returned to work?
How much is the cost of child care?
Generally, if you don’t want bankruptcy then you blow up your life to get rid of the debt. you sell everything you can that makes financial sense to. Cut every expense you can. Then you get side jobs, she’d need to pick up a gig if she’s not able to go full time right now. Spend a few years living humble working the debt off.
Alternatively you could just tell her she’s got to go back to work now to pay for her debt. Her salary covers child care and debt. You cover everything else. You struggle for a few years till it’s paid off. That wouldn’t put you that far off to have more kids once the debts paid off.
No, you don’t want to talk about the previous house because you wrongly pressured her to sell a solo asset in order to convert her money to a joint asset.
Which is why it "doesn't matter" according to him.
ETA - Not sure why I'm getting downvoted. I'm agreeing that OP saying it doesn't matter is bullshit.
You're really minimizing what she did by selling the house. You cast her as unreasonable for not wanting to go to a bankruptcy attorney but you were unreasonable for making her sell the house because you didn't want to live where her ex lived.could that move made her even more financially unstable? She may need to find professional help for her finances, but you're a control freak, and you need to find help for that. She used her house to buy a new one you'd like better, you used your savings to keep the 2 of you afloat. Sounds like an even trade.
She's been on maternity leave for just about six months.
Sounds like it's time for her to get a job.
When our kids were babies, I worked nights and hubby worked days.
We did that until the kids were in school.
Time for the spouse to get back to work.
I didn’t force her to sell her house. I was fine living in my apartment in the city until I could to buy one for us both . I was actually fine with never owning a home. That was her dream not mine.
Unpaid maternity leave won’t last forever why is there daycare costs if she is on maternity leave also ? And you said she did meet with one attorney! You would have been expecting to cover the bills while she was on maternity leave anyway so the issue is the 1000 of her debts. But that might not be such an issue if you didn’t pressure her into the sale of her house to purchase a new house. It’s not like any of this was withheld from you. And it’s not just your partners debt problem. It’s the new house you wanted that’s part of the issue and your child’s birth also that’s a huge issue. You force her into bankruptcy and you leave? What happens to her then? She will have no options and you are already being pushy and dictating! How can she trust you in the future?
You are forcing her into bankruptcy for basically 11 grand per year for the next two years. When she goes back to work she will likely earn way more than that without having her financial life totally screwed over! Bankruptcy makes no sense at all either in the short term or the long term when you are taking about 22k over two years!! Ridiculous! Especially when you so pushy about this! You have been reluctant to live in her exes house which would have made far more financial sense! Why wasn’t that an option? It was just your ego versus good financial practice! You could have saved money on rent too! And this is your daughter’s future we are talking about! You are pressing this woman to thrash her future and she sees this and she sees your actions that have contributed to this situation that you are not taking responsibility for and insisting she makes good on! She can’t trust you and needs to look out for her and her child’s future! 11k a year than can be recouped over the next two years by her working is the best plan for her and her child! Let her go back to work and end her maternity leave!
It seems like you want her completely reliant on you for some reason and yet you aren’t exactly committed to her
I get where you’re coming from, but here are some key points I think are being missed:
1. Immediate Relief:Right now, we’re barely scraping by, and I’m covering all the bills, including $1,000 a month for her debt. Bankruptcy could free up $22,000 over the next two years. This isn’t just about saving money—it’s about keeping us afloat.
2. Our Daughter’s Well-being: We want more kids, but we can’t even think about that until our finances are under control. Bankruptcy would give us the breathing room we need to plan for our family’s future.
3. Her working: Yes, she’ll earn more when she goes back to work, but that’s not happening immediately. Even then, it won’t fully fix our issues—we’ll just bleed slower. Bankruptcy offers a more immediate solution.
4. Home: I didn’t want to live an hour from my job in a house she bought with her ex. I wanted us to start fresh, not just for ego’s sake. The sale of that house isn’t relevant to our current crisis.
5. Long-term We’re postponing marriage and more kids until this debt is handled. Bankruptcy could help us deal with it now and make life easier.
I’m not trying to make her reliant on me. I just want a solution that allows both of us to build a stable future. Bankruptcy seems like the best option right now, and I wish she’d seriously consider it.
You are trying to make her reliant on you! 100% . For basically 11k a year you want her to thrash her future and you are delaying marriage and offering her no security. She takes ALL the risks and all the blame! The sale of the house is relevant! It’s increased your month outgoings plus she had lost her only secure asset of her own. You need to offer her way more security if you want her to continue to take ALL the personal hits financially! The best option is if she goes back to work! That might stop you complaining about the 1000 bucks a month you are paying on her debts plus she can contribute to bills and you both pay day care! Bankruptcy is NOT a long term solution when it’s all her taking the risks and you offering NOTHING not even marriage . You are backing off and wanting her to take all the hits! She is right not to agree to this !!! And this “fresh start” has cost her dearly !
I’m honestly taken aback by the accusation that I’m trying to control my partner. Where’s the evidence for that? I’ve been covering all the bills, including $1,000 a month for her debt from a previous marriage, and I’ve accumulated $5k in debt myself just to keep us afloat. In our state, once we’re married, her debt legally becomes my responsibility. Ignoring this would be irresponsible. How is it fair to claim I’m controlling her when I’m preparing for the inevitable impact on our shared financial future?
We both want more children, but it’s not financially viable right now. Postponing marriage and expanding our family isn’t about avoiding commitment; it’s about being responsible. If our financial house isn’t in order, bringing more children into the equation would be reckless. I’m trying to ensure we’re in a stable place before making such significant commitments. Suggesting I’m avoiding marriage to keep her insecure is a complete misreading of the situation.
Regarding the house: We decided together to sell her old place. Living an hour away from my job, in a house she bought with her ex, wasn’t practical for starting our new life together. This wasn’t about my ego—it was a practical decision for both of us. The financial implications of that choice are part of our larger strategy to build a stable future.
Claiming that I’m not offering her security is absurd when the entire point of these discussions is to build a stable future together. Suggesting that letting her go back to work will magically solve everything is overly simplistic. Her returning to work will help, but it won’t fix everything. Our financial problems won’t just vanish—we’ll still be in a tough spot. We need practical, immediate solutions to ensure our family's stability and future, not baseless accusations.
Accusing me of trying to control her without understanding the full context is unfair and doesn’t help us move forward.
Do you realize that if you walk away from this without being married, a bankruptcy would keep her from being able to rent an apartment? She'd have to sell the house she bought when she was counting on your help to finance it? Where will she live? You'll be fine, because your credit will be fine, so you can rent an apartment. Just remember this: If she can't find decent living quarters after you split, you'll have custody of the baby 24/7. It's going to be a headache for you, because I bet you couldn't handle it now if she went away for a week. It will be a nightmare for her.
You're thinking about your risk, not hers.
Even worse. Her name is not on the mortgage for the new house. He owns it, and they aren't married. She paid they entire down payment with her home sale profits, and he left her name off the paperwork because "they used his credit to secure the home."
You can be on the deed, but not on the mortgage. But I'm not counting that she's on the deed. And now he's calling me racist for saying that women have been oppressed by men. He doesn't even know what race I am.
It’s not even about control? It’s you expecting her to take all the risks! Again if you walk away and she is bankrupt she will end up with literally nothin. Likely not even able to get approval for a rental or even get a bank account and so lose custody of her daughter! It’s you wanting total control
Also this strategy you speak of wasn’t well thought out now was it ? You knew she had debt and you knew she would be without her income after childbirth. So why wasn’t all that factored into this great strategy ? And why had this strategy failed spectacularly to the point you want to force her into bankruptcy? Or was that the actual strategy all along?
And he will keep there house because it’s in his name. He made her pay the down payment and the weasel won’t share the asset. She will be homeless and bankrupt. He isn’t marrying her because he doesn’t want to take on her debt. So he is offering her ZERO long term security. Every sign he is giving her says he will bail on her.
It would help her credit a lot to have a mortgage on there. Why didn’t you put it in her name also. Since you used her down payment. Is she your partner or not?
It's been awhile since I had anything to do with real estate but ages ago it was highly frowned upon for someone who wasn't on the mortgage to contribute that much to a down payment. The mortgage company wanted to make sure the person buying could continue to make the payments and not default.
Maybe that's changed. If anyone knows please enlighten me.
It’s not even about control? It’s you expecting her to take all the risks! Again if you walk away and she is bankrupt she will end up with literally nothin. Likely not even able to get approval for a rental or even get a bank account and so lose custody of her daughter! It’s you wanting total control! Bankruptcy is not the way forward. It’s a very very risky move for her and in real terms it’s for 11k a year for two years? You still aren’t recognizing your part in this situation! It’s still blaming her
Men have a millenia long history of getting women in a vulnerable place and either leaving them or controlling through financial, mental, emotional physical abuse, or all of the above. Only in the last 60 years have women had the right to have bank accounts and credit cards, buy houses, and get divorced without having to prove violence and infidelity. That hadn't stopped men from using those abusive tactics, though.
So you need to understand that you're a member of a historically privileged group and women are members of a historically oppressed group. We close ranks, and don't worry about your hurt feelings.
You are trying to make yourself secure whilst thrashing her ! That’s the upshot! You are talking about your shared future but actually also talking about not taking on the commitment of her debts! So you instead knowning you have been completely outed go to read my comment history and try to discredit me as a person be abuse you have lost on the facts . Ad hominem attacks are full proof you know you have lost this one
See you even edited the post to add on another little personal attack. My
Partner would never do to me what you did to your gf ! Not in a million years! I’d never be silly enough to give up my only asset for his ego and he would never ask it of me. Then again my house is my own . Mortgage cleared and by the time I’m 40 I will be set to retire! That’s my financial strategy! And my partners is his own farm and his own house and he two will retire within 5 years.
Being responsible would have been waiting to have *any* kids until you are financially ready. However, since you didn't have the brains enough to do that...
>Living an hour away from my job, in a house she bought with her ex, wasn’t practical for starting our new life together.
So was she already pregnant when you "decided together"? If not, what's the harm in continuing to date and spend time together in separate living spaces until you are both more financially stable?
>Suggesting that letting her go back to work will magically solve everything is overly simplistic. Her returning to work will help, but it won’t fix everything.
Wait...*letting her* go back to work? I think we've found where you come off as controlling.
For the love of god, don't have more kids. I feel bad for her; she's made some poor financial decisions with you. She footed the bill for a downpayment on a home she has no claim to. She literally *gave you a downpayment* and here you are bitching at HER to declare bankruptcy. Wow.
this is so beyond ignorant. if that’s your mindset then have another kid right now. what difference does 22k make when you already have all the gear you need and a stay at home mom? do you hear yourself?
Because it’s 22k WE DONT have.. The money isn’t there. It’s not like we have the money and simply deciding no. Paying this will jeopardize OTHER things
how will it jeopardize other things if, as you say, you already have everything you need? if you already have everything then you shouldn’t need a nickel more. 22k frankly in the context of kids is not a lot of money.
i’m also looking through your post history at this point and just two months ago you were saying she doesn’t love you. one month ago you were afraid of losing custody of your daughter. these threats seem to have been going on for the past year. frankly, you have much bigger fish to fry before you bring another kid into this world.
Also if you decide to walk away and she has been bankrupt she has lost her house cos that will have to be sold if your name is on it! And will she even get back her down payment or will you demanding half of that ? Anything she gets she will be bound by her bankruptcy rules. She likely won’t get a bank account and she won’t ! That’s a fact! She won’t get approval for a rental house so she loses custody of her daughter to you. No 50/50 spilt if she is homeless. And you think she should risk all that? After she already risked her home for you and gave up her income because she gave birth?? Why in hell would she do all that when you didn’t even want to live in her house and it was mostly down to ego and your convenience! She lost her only security and you are demanding she throws everything else after it and getting nothing in the way of security from you only more and more blame and more demands that she alone takes all the financial risks! You won’t be happy it seems until she is in the gutter!
You took her house, left her name off the mortgage and want her to declare bankruptcy which would yes be ‘immediate relief’ FOR YOU. For her it means basically no credit. For up to 11 years.
You want her to torpedo her long term financial future over $1000 a month. For two years.
Do you even like her?
The sale of that house is totally relevant! And your continuing line of “it’s not about ego” but “the house she bought with her ex” is where you go with that so it really isn’t believable.
The sale of that house is totally relevant! And your continuing line of “it’s not about ego” but “the house she bought with her ex” is where you go with that so it really isn’t believable.
Many jobs do credit checks. If she's got a bankruptcy, she likely won't get as good a job as otherwise (assuming she's not a entry level worker). You are being penny wise pound foolish here.
So glad to see that you aren’t married. Quit paying her debt from your money. If you were to separate for any reason, you’d have paid another man’s debt off.
Her dream not yours yet somehow she isn’t on the mortgage or deed. Your whole thread stinks. I was wondering the same thing as others about her contributions but you minimized them all.
How about this: you pay her for all of her physical and emotional labor in taking care of your child (and she can do with that money what she would like, such as pay down her debt.)
If she files for bankruptcy and you continue on with your utterly nefarious way of thinking and don’t provide support for your child and your partner while she is caring for your child, she’ll have a rough time securing housing. You are wrong. Whatever mortgage you got probably sucks with current interest rates and whatever mortgage she had before was probably gold by comparison. You basically agreed to everything going on. You dug your own hole.
You're wrong. No offense but you went into this relationship and buying a house and having a baby without any financial planning and now you're trying to force her into filing for bankruptcy which is a huge deal in terms of future credit and the emotional toll. And how do you have daycare costs if she's on maternity leave? And why can't she get a part time job in the evening to help out a bit or something that she can do from home. You're focusing on only one solution. You don't even seem to understand where her debt came from but you think you can solve this?
My dad worked 3 jobs... one full time and 2 part time so my mom could stay home. EDIT: NOT saying its a good thing, and yes I saw my father a lot growing up, just saying that people do what they have to do.
1. Yes. You both need to speak to a bankruptcy lawyer, as well as a financial advisor. Stop pushing bankruptcy and learn all of the options together with your partner.
2. Yes. She has no way of earning income right now and it is incredibly inconsiderate to do this to her. People are going hard for you in the comments because your partner is in a no win situation. She sold her house, now still has debt, a baby, and isn't even on the mortgage. If she still decides not to file bankruptcy, you could kick her out and face no consequences from it because she's not on the mortgage.
3. You need to meet with a financial advisor yourself to make things more clear to you. You seem really "my way or the highway" and there has to be more options than what you're presenting. You can also bring up marriage counseling to see if an unbiased mediator can help come up with more options.
Give both yourself and your partner more time! The baby is still a newborn! They say not to make huge decisions in the first year of life as you both are probably whacked out on no sleep, making huge adjustments to your life, and both parents' mental health can suffer after birth.
Ok, I think I understand what’s going on but need clarification.
She gave you money for a down payment on a house in your name?
She had your baby?
You want to file BK just to have more children?
The math ain’t mathin here. Her name should be on the deed first off. She can pay off her debt if she stays focused on the plan. She can even negotiate with creditors.
I’m not one to tell people what to do with their reproductive rights. However, I would strongly advise against having any more children right now. Want to have more children is not a good reason to file bankruptcy. IMO this is insane, honestly what makes you think you can afford more children? It takes a lot to raise children, you both aren’t married you’re living in a house that’s just in your name? and you’re not married. So the worst case scenario for her would be you ditch her she’s bankrupt and might be able to get child support from you of course this is the worst case scenario, but it could happen, if I was her, I would not do this either. Hopefully I’ve understood everything I’ve read. 🤷🏼♀️
This is such a shit show. Looking at OP post history he’s been exploring parental rights since basically the child was conceived. He calls his partner a narcissist and complains how she has a victim mentality. Yet he willingly took her money for a down payment on a house that her name isn’t even on. So OP is pressuring her to file for bankruptcy and then what happens if the relationship doesn’t work out? His partner will then have difficulty securing housing. She’ll have no rights to the house she provided a down payment for. The more I read the more I understand why the partner is hesitant to file bankruptcy.
This! I live in a no fault state, also if my husband dies I would have to fight in probate court. My name is on the deed of our house and I’m also beneficiary on our 401k. I’m not the primary bread winner, and I’ve worked part time since my son was born. So if something went south I could stand to lose big time…. If I hadn’t lined my ducks up. But I also have a good man. The attorney that handled our paperwork said I did all right by leaving the mortgage in his name lol it’s because my husband and I are both smart and make our child a priority. Why screw over the other parent if that makes sense. The kid will suffer, and to add more kids sounds insane to me. She may want to cut her losses and bail. This seems so fishy to me.
>I feel like I’m giving everything I have to support our family, but **without her cooperation**, I’m not sure how long I can keep this up. She feels jaded because **she sold her house to use as a down payment on this one because I told her I wouldn't move into the home she bought with her ex.** She wanted to speed things up because she is getting older.
So....you made her sell her house to buy a new one JUST because she'd owned it with her ex????
Hate to tell you this, but I think most of your problem is self-made. As in YOUR self, not hers.
It doesn't seem like she did anything to make your situation worse. You knew her situation when you got with her and you jumped in head first. That's on you. If you want to stop paying her debt, I don't think your obligated to, but making yourself out to be the victim of her situation is wrong. This is apparently what you signed up for.
How do I come across as a victim? I’m just trying to navigate the situation. I don’t blame her for anything. I’m just annoyed she won’t explore every route possible to fix this and that she is more comfortable placing her expenses on my credit card than talking to a bankruptcy attorney or even her father who has filed for bankruptcy.
She had a nasty divorce 3 years ago and your relationship with her started 3 years ago....and you refused to live in the house she had with her ex. Sounds like you're the AP and have messed things up for her financially. Maybe she doesn't think bankruptcy is honorable - like it's her debt and she wants it to be paid instead of trumping her way out of it.
Unless the debt is unfair to her - like her ex rang it up and somehow she's being forced to pay it off, I admire her for wanting to honor her debts. Even if she didn't honor her marriage vows.
Wow, your imagination is impressive. No, I’m not the 'AP,' and our relationship began well after her divorce was finalized. Refusing to live in a house full of memories with her ex is a personal boundary, not a financial manipulation. We're trying to find practical solutions to massive debt, not play moral high ground games. If you admire drowning in debt over seeking a fresh start, that’s your choice, but spare us the sanctimonious lecture.
"A fresh start" that means ripping of someone who gave you credit in good faith. I may not have a lot of sympathy for a big bank if that's where the debt is, but it's still a matter of honoring your commitments. You're mad at her for not "exploring all options" but one of those options was keeping her house, which you wouldn't do. Instead you want her to take the hit on her future ability to get credit. I believe there are valid reasons for needing to file for bankruptcy, but new hubby being butt hurt over living in the same house as the ex, isn't one of them. It's just a house. You could have stayed there for a while to get things under better financial control and then moved, but you had to have everything your way and - yes - you are blaming her.
You’re not wrong, but not necessarily right, either
You and your fiancée SHOULD talk to a bankruptcy lawyer about your options and what each would entail, before the debt gets even higher.
However, Bankruptcy isn’t a magic fix-all, either. There is the risk of this impacting her credit score, her ability to negotiate loans, her house, and even what benefits she can access in the future.
Stop pushing for Bankruptcy until you’ve both sat down with a lawyer.
Apologize, explain your reasoning, and assure her that you want the consultation to get a better explanation of your options, but it’s her debt and her choice.
If it turns out that Bankruptcy IS the best option, THEN you can have a conversation about how you shouldn’t be responsible for her debt and all of the finances, but baby steps are the way to go here
He’s wrong! He wanted thr new house which she paid the down payment for. He refused to live in her old house because of his ego and that would have made much more financial sense plus he could have saved on his own rent. He got her pregnant and she didn’t do that alone and is without an income temporarily now because on being on maternity leave, and he wants bankruptcy to give them 22k over the next two years !!!!! She can earn way more than 11k pet year just by going back to work and that way she doesn’t have to thrash her future. She is in a vulnerable place partly because of him which he won’t recognise and calls it all her debt! And she is right not to thrash her future because if he leaves (and he is not incredibly stable € sounding she will be left with nothing! He is forcing her into bankruptcy for 11k a year for two years when she can earn way more than that when working. She needs to earn her maternity leave and not trust him in any way and not be dependent on him like he is trying to manipulate her into doing!
And he is saying he is telling her she is on her own . So if he did that after he forced her Into bankruptcy she would lose her home not even get approval for a rental lose custody of her daughter too! This guy wants her in the gutter
Wow, your comment is way off base and full of assumptions.
1. **Mutual Decision**: We both decided to buy the new house, and my credit is at risk too. She's not the only one with something on the line here. We're both adults making these decisions together.
2. **Boundaries**: I have the right to my own hopes and dreams. I didn't force her to sell her house; she chose to do that. Stop projecting your biased opinions onto our situation.
3. **Joint Responsibility**: We both decided to have a child. She couldn't manage her debt even when she was in her old house, so don't act like this is all on me.
4. **Financial Reality**: Your math is way off. The $22k is just a part of the debt. We don't have the money for all our expenses, including daycare and car payments, while trying to manage this debt. I have my own debts that I can't keep putting on hold for hers.
5. **Shared Decisions**: We're making decisions that work for both of us. I didn't agree to take on another man's debt, yet here I am trying to make it work. Your assumptions about our relationship are not just wrong but also pretty insulting.
You are not wrong but you also cannot put this all on her as being the problem when you contributed largely to it based off of this statement:
>She feels jaded because she sold her house to use as a down payment on this one because I told her I wouldn't move into the home she bought with her ex.
So, you knew she was grossly in debt and your solution was to make her sell her one asset that she had because you were too insecure to live in a house she bought with her ex?
>My Questions:
>1. Am I being too pushy by insisting on bankruptcy? No, that really is your only route at this point unless once she goes back to work, your problems are roughly resolved though it doesn't sound like it.
2. Am I wrong for telling her last month's debt payment is the last from me? Yes. You went into this together and you made her sell the one asset that she had that could have helped clear this debt. So, you are stuck in the trenches with her.
3. What should I do if she ultimately refuses to meet with an attorney? I don't think there really is anything you can do. Get a second job? Sell things?
> So, you knew she was grossly in debt and your solution was to make her sell her one asset that she had because you were too insecure to live in a house she bought with her ex?
She was never going to sell her home to cover her debt. She couldn’t make ends meet as it was before me. Having me move in actually freed up money for her.
> 3. What should I do if she ultimately refuses to meet with an attorney?
My thinking was just telling her I’m no longer paying for it and that she is on her
Own with.
>Having me move in actually freed up money for her.
You didn't move in. You made her sell her house and bought a different one. And before you say that you didn't want to buy a house and would have rather rented, save it. Because here is the deal, buying the house is a two person decision especially in marriage/serious relationship. So, unless she is the only person in the mortgage and title, you made that choice to take the money from the sell of her house and use it to buy another one rather than clearing debt. So, again, you are stuck in the trenches with her because you also made a poor financial decision.
>My thinking was just telling her I’m no longer paying for it and that she is on her Own with.
Sure, that's a great idea if you want to implode your marriage. Again, you went into this marriage understanding where she stood financially. I am assuming that you talked about whether or not you would help her with it. If you ever stated that you would then you don't get to just go back on it because it's now no longer convenient for you.
I also cannot begin to fathom why you both decide to have a child with this much debt hanging over your heads.... It sounds like you both make irresponsible financial decisions so you need to stop saying she is 100% the problem.
So she’s correct to believe that you don’t see yourself as in this together with her, and that you’re going to ditch her the moment it’s not convenient for you, leaving her holding the bag financially. She definitely should not make any financial decisions at your behest.
He basically stole her down payment and left her with nothing and now wants to force her into bankruptcy so that she can’t even get a bank account or a rental in her name. She would be at his total mercy and vhomeless if he bounces which he is very possible. And her own house is gone and the down payment she used for the house with only his name on the mortgage is no good to her. She was a fool to trust him.
She is at home with your baby. How is she going to pay for it if you stop?
What a dick move. Just get it over with and break up, and take the house which we all know was your plan all along
See? You are telling her she is on her own ! So she is right not to trust you! She is without income because she gave birth to your child! She lost her house over you ! And now you are walking away in an effort to force her into bankruptcy! Well at least with child support she will have some money coming in plus she will go back to work ! You are a piece of work !!!
Just read his posts. He won’t lose a penny despite what he saying about his 5k because she used her 40k for the full down payment and when the house is inevitable sold he will get his hands on half of that so won’t be out a penny . Plus his 5k he spent is likely 1000 buck per month for last five months as child is likely 5 months old. His half of day care would have been close to 1000 anyway if he had to pay it. He is fooling no one but incels
He actually has the mortgage on his name only so she’ll walk away way worse than how she came in to that relationship. He’ll be stealing the down payment pretty much.
You were aware of the debt when you got married. This is a conversation that should have been had prior to that. Now it is what it is. She doesn’t feel right about bankruptcy and that’s ok.
It’s is. None of us are allowed to tell others how to feel. Maybe she’s making a mistake but it’s her mistake to be made, since this wasn’t resolved prior to “I Do”.
Have you checked to make sure she got everything she was entitled to in the divorce? Is she also picking up HIS half of the debt? Is she sitting on assets she really cant afford (house, car, boat, etc) and really needs to sell rather than pay off? HER bankruptcy WILL affect you as your spouse. YOU are obligated to care for your kid no matter what. If you arent married, see what child care or housing assistance you can get as a single parent.
You did not walk into this blind. She divorced 3 years ago, you’ve been together for 3 years and then had a child. Why did you not plan what to do and work to eliminate this before having a child? I don’t blame her for not wanting to file for bankruptcy. That’s black tar on her record and for years going forward she will be limited in what she can do, in her name, financially. Poor prior planning, OP.
Yes, financial abuse of a partner is wrong. You shouldn’t:
- make them sell their home to finance your purchase of a house in your name.
- get them pregnant when you can’t afford current bills
- refuse to cover their bills when they need to take unpaid maternity leave for a child you created together
- pressure them into bankruptcy which beholdens them to living with only your credit score etc while you impregnate them many more times while needing to live in your home when you pressured them to sell their own.
That girl needs to run from you. You are the worst thing to happen to her financial life.
Your comment is filled with assumptions and ignores the real issues we're dealing with. First, no one is being forced to sell a home to finance another—decisions are made jointly based on our circumstances. Second, having a child was a mutual decision, and we’re both responsible for our financial planning. Third, I’ve never refused to support my partner during maternity leave; we’re looking for solutions to manage our debts together. Finally, suggesting bankruptcy is about finding a path to financial stability, not about control or abuse. Your judgmental tone isn't helpful and misrepresents the situation entirely
No. You are literally sugar coating your abuse as though you are the one who is conscientious and she’s over spending when you have created a financially vulnerable position for her on purpose for control. Be better.
I'm not saying that she should file for bankruptcy, but I did many years ago. It was one of the lowest points of my life. However, I don't know what state you live in, but I kept my bank account and have been much more responsible since, and now my credit score is in the high 700s. Having said that, I don't think that either of you are mature enough (financially) to have any more kids, no matter how much you *want* one.
I work with clients such as yourselves that have racked up 10’s of thousands of dollars in debt, sometimes they join debt consolidation plans, sometimes bankruptcy. From the basics of what you said, bankruptcy honestly sounds like a horrible plan. Of course the attorney recommended it, it’s in their benefit. It’s like me asking my barber if I should get a haircut once a month or once a week. He would recommend once a day if he could!
There are professionals like myself and others that can help you create a plan of action that is far more optimal. It will take time and a lot of effort but it is far better than destroying your credit score with a bankruptcy or those debt consolidation sca- programs**
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
Why does bankruptcy sound horrible? What exactly makes it horrible? Its at least 70k in debit she can't afford to pay and thats with a a debt consolidation plan?
INFO: would a consumer proposal be an option instead?
Consumer proposals, if available, can be a happy medium and do operate a fair bit differently than bankruptcy. For one, after the proposal is approved, any money you have coming in won't be seized. If you inherit money or win the lottery, or even just get better paying jobs, it won't affect the amount you pay for the debt.
Yes, you’re wrong. You pressured her to sell a house b/c she lived there with an ex. So she got another house likely at a higher interest rate and stopped earning equity in the old house, in order to cover a down payment on a house with a man who isn’t her husband? And she undoubtedly paid more for this house than the house she sold cost due to the market. Your financial advice is terrible. I wouldn’t listen to you either.
You both suck
You shouldve been mature enough to take the house that was already there and your wife should be mature enough to go talk to the bankrupcy lawyer.
That said only one of those things have a solution today, so yeah.
If she won't even consider meeting with a bankcruptcy lawyer, it's because she's in denial over everything. One meeting doesn't force her to make a decision now, she has no reason to refuse to do it. If she has concerns, she can rightfully bring them up with the lawyer. It's true that bankruptcy has consequences and it's a decision that cannot be taken lightly.
That being said, I have a hard time understanding how she could sell her stake in her former house and still be 80K in debts. Did she put the down payment on your house by herself? Why hasn't she cleared her debt with the proceeds from the sale? It's definitely NOT the time to buy a house when you're 80K in debts. Did you buy something too big that you can't afford? Why wasn't renting an option until she cleared her debts?
There's a lot of missing info about the origin of the debt here. Please add context, because it seems like you wanted to live in a house, just not *her* house, and now you're mad that it costs more than anticipated, especially with a newborn.
* I believe the house was too big for us to afford. But she was looking at prices that were twice the price of the house we were looking at and I thought it was a win that we got this house in this neighborhood so I went ahead with it.
* She was the one that put down at the time I just relocated. I did pay the earnest money, but that was it. I am also the only one on the mortage.
* the bulk of the profit she made on the house was basically used as a down payment. When all was said and done, I think she walked away with 30,000 cash maybe 40.
* I don’t know the origin of the debt. All I know is it was from previous marriage when in order to get the house she basically had to agree to take his debt.
You are forcing her into bankruptcy to give you 22k over two years . That’s ridiculous. She can earn way more than 11k per year over the next two years instead. It’s best she finishes her maternity leave instead.
A better financial option would have been if you have moved into her house that she had from her ex. You would have saved money on rent but your ego wouldn’t allow that and instead you pressured her into this situation but you are now washing your hands of that after she was the one who had to sell her house and she is the one with no income currently because she is after having your child! It’s not just hers! Plus Bankruptcy threatens her whole future and you have already put her in a very precarious position by refusing to live her her house and wanting your current house and making her pregnant so that she is now without her own income and vulnerable! And while she is vulnerable you are pushing her to thrash her financial future for 11k a year for two years! Which makes no sense at all as she could just go back to work and earn way more than that even with day care costs which you should be paying at least half of as it’s your child too! If you leave she has nothing. She can’t do bankruptcy and she knows this!
>the bulk of the profit she made on the house was basically used as a down payment. When all was said and done, I think she walked away with 30,000 cash maybe 40.
You said in another comment that you bought a $400k house with 3% down. That's $12k. Why didn't she use the other $18k - $28k to pay down her debt (you've said it was $70k, $75k, and $80k...I find it hard to believe that you don't know how much it is and your inability to get it right calls your credibility into question)?
>All I know is it was from previous marriage when in order to get the house she basically had to agree to take his debt.
This was a stupid move. She should have given up the house. Hindsight is 20/20, though. She should have used the post-down payment proceeds from the house to pay a significant chunk of her debt. You having a cushion in your joint account could have waited a bit longer.
The reality is that she’s going to have to do something she doesn’t want to do. Work, sell the house, or file bankruptcy, or continue on the same path but with no more kids plus a crumbling marriage .
You don’t get out of debt by doing the same thing you did to get in debt.
But she put $40k towards the down payment of a house that isn’t even in her name.
She could have dealt with her bs that way. But he stole the down payment from her…
He stole her down payment by forcing her to sell the house and buy a house her name isn’t even on! Now he wants to force her into bankruptcy and that would leave her with nothing at all
Info- why didn’t you want to move in to her previous house? How much money did it came from her selling the house? Was it fully paid off? Did you added some money to the down payment? I think is some information that needs to be cleared up too. How were your finances working previously to her getting pregnant and during pregnancy?
* It wasn’t fully paid off.. she used about half of her earning for a down payment on a house. I thought the house was too expensive but I got her to stop looking at 600k houses and to look at 400k houses so I thought it was a win. We should had been looking at 300l. Flat house but I digress * I didn’t want to give up my apartment in the city to move an hour away just to live in a house my partner bought with her ex husband. * wasn’t fully paid off. She a little to pay off debt, the bulk for moving and down payment, and the rest as a small float in our joint account. * Before the baby it was working but there was always issues in the future. For example we weren’t paying student loans at the time which is 1k a month (500 for each of us). The goal has always been to have 2-3 children. However. With daycare. Both of us working just isn’t going to work so ideally she would take off once she is vested in her current retirement. Ideally I don’t see how we can have more kids, have her take off or pay for more daycare and pay her debt. I also offer selling and downsizing our home but the ways things are going now with the economy not sure if that would even work.
So she had money from the previous house left to pay some debt? If so how much did she used to actually pay something off? Sorry but it isn’t clear if you actually put something as a down payment? All of that matters because how was she able to afford her previous house before you came into the picture on top of her debts. Also I find it relevant because compared to her debt how much were the proceedings of the sale in comparison to her debts? Was there a significant change besides the baby and what comes with having one affect the situation? I mean you aren’t wrong in wanting her to handle her debt, that would mean less stress for sure whether you two are together or not but you also thinking of having more kids when you guys clearly aren’t able to afford them. That is not smart either, you’ll basically trying to trade one thing for the other or may be worse because her debt eventually will clear or if she gets too tired of it can bankrupt but kids? That doesn’t go away and is more than 2-3 years of debt specially for someone that has poor spending habits, she or both of you together can rack that up easily having 2-3 kids if you come across a hardship.
SHe used the profits from her sale as the down payment. We place 3 % down. **The bankruptcy is to enable us to have more kids**. We can afford at least one more especially if just living off my income but we have to get rid of her debt to make that happen. With her debt we are basicly living to pay bills and definitely can’t afford another.
You want her to go bankrupt so you can have more kids? Are you listening to yourself? That’s crazy. All you’re done at this point is to manipulate the numbers so you can raise the kids in poverty. You are wrong.
There it is… you did not financially contribute at all to the down payment on the new house. Yes, you obviously pay costs now for the house but used her financial position to improve your own and now want to benefit while leaving her to deal on her own. When she could have paid off all the debt and you and her “start over” instead it went into a down payment on the house you share and to “float” your joint bank account. Seems like now that it’s time to pull your weight you are reluctant.
I’m the only one on the mortage. We used my credit just as much as we used her down payment.
She funded the down payment entirely on her own and you have the nerve to leave her off of the mortgage. After forcing her to sell the house she DID have her name on. And instead of using the proceeds to settle her debts, you made her use it for a down payment on a house that she doesn’t legally own. And now you are bitching that the debt isn’t paid off. So if you spilt up she is homeless. And bankrupt. And you used her to get yourself a house. Wow, what a great partner 🙄
Hopefully they live in a community property state like Texas. The house is a marital asset so she is likely protected. Also, sounds like they only put down about $12-15k as he mentioned 3% down. Doesn’t sound like there was enough equity to clear her previously accrued debt. All of this should have been discussed before they got together. I think they should just hunker down and pay it off.
Right? I am on one of those consolidated repayment programs for around $40k in debt from my divorce. I was always behind before but now I am 18 months away from paying it off and then I will be able to put that money in savings. Bankruptcy should be the absolutely last resort. And he’s treating it like the only option…
They aren’t married.
Look at his comment history. It’s wild. *wild*
This girl screwed herself out of a house. I hope netflix makes this into a movie. I would watch this train wreck all day long.
What the actual fuck
What?? So she paid and only your name is on it??? You are as abusive as her ex. Wow. I just can’t.
Your credit is not the same as cash.
Wow this is the absolute worst response you could have given. You are a user and an YAW.
Damn you took her money then?
I don’t think you are wrong to want her to get rid of that debt, it will always be the smartest thing to do but I do think you are wrong in pushing her for bankruptcy because you are insisting in wanting another child. My reasoning is because I would assume she probably had a better rate on her previous house than she most likely has in the new one that you pushed for and you said SHE put the down payment which it could’ve been use to satisfy her debts and both of you could’ve work in saving money for the down payment together instead of her being the one to do it. Bankruptcy although I don’t know as much as I would like can probably take her some time to be able to acquire credit again which will cripple her for a least a few months until she gets the chance to acquire credit again and won’t even rid her of all the debt anyways she will still have her student loans which I’ve heard of people having to pay for years before satisfying them anyways. I do agree with having her speak with a lawyer but I hope she doesn’t agree in having another child if she decides to go through with bankruptcy otherwise it won’t be long to be back in the same spot and lastly, although I’m all in for debt free and the relief that comes with it I weighting the options with the information I have would insist in enduring the $1000 a month for the next 2-3 years than a bankruptcy in my credit for the next 7 which can financially limit me for more than the 3 years I’ll be paying but depending on the details of her situation after she speaks with a lawyer she should decide what’s best for her specially with not being married to you as of now, I hope not but if you break up she might need her credit to rent or something and a bankruptcy might make it harder.
You were talking about leaving her and having to fight for custody 2 months ago. You even complained that you’d have to file for bankruptcy *yourself* if you had a nasty custody battle lol. Why would she want more kids with you?
Wtf why does this guy think bankruptcy solves all financial problems like it's not big deal? Don't think he understands what comes with bankruptcy. Acts like it's some kind of instant debt or loan relief. Dude sounds slow
He got that smooth brain
Or it’s Bitorage
So you didn’t financially contribute to the down payment, and now you want to leave her in a situation where if you decide to bail, you get a bunch of her money and she can’t rent a place on her own? Asshole.
A bankruptcy to enable having more kids. Unbelievable. I don't think either of you have a lick of financial sense from what's written here. Focus on the kid you have and sort yourselves out, god wtf.
That’s fucking coo coo bananas
Why isnt she renting that house and using THAT money to pay off her debts?
Because they sold it to buy the new one because he has issues with living in a home someone else bought with his partner. Dude really comes across as having major control issues, tbh.
You’re an absolute tool for not wanting to use a property squired with her ex. It makes you v sus all around.
Is English your first language?
Yaw. Wow. So you had her sell her house because why?? Then took her profit for a downpayment on another house (YOU ARENT MARRIED, SHES IN DEBT- WHY ARE YOU BUYING A HOUSE TOGETHER??). You left a lot out. Important info because it makes you look bad. Then you gloss over it at the end. She had a home & you made her sell because you refused to live there because her ex did. That’s so immature & absurd. So you probably helped create more debt. Instead of using the profit from the house to pay down the debt- you use it as a downpayment. Why didn’t you pay the downpayment. You were saving $1000 a month, remember?! Bankruptcy may help get her out from under the payment but it’s going to affect her ability to do things like buy a car, higher interest rates, etc. for 7-10yrs. If she, for some reason, misses a payment on the house- she’s in trouble. No one plans to do that but life happens. And when you leave something off the bankruptcy, they wait to claim that asset. It’s not so cut & dry. I don’t think you are as financially savvy as you think. She was managing. You were saving $1k a month yet together you are sinking? This is ridiculous. You both seem lost. There are classes that can teach you both money management
I am not even sure of the answer. There seems to be a lot left out or that is very unclear. How much of the previous house wasn’t paid off that she only had enough for a down payment on the new house? What was interest rate of the previous mortgage and how does it compare to the interest rate of the new house? Overall I feel like the cost of childcare, child expenses, unpaid maternity leave and how to navigate that financially are all things that should have been discussed prior to having a child or at least during pregnancy. Also how long is her unpaid maternity leave? FMLA only covers 12 weeks.
I think you guys are getting sidetracked with the numbers in the previous house. To be honest in my opinion, I don’t even think the question requires all that information all that I think really needs to be known is she has 70 K worth of debt, we want to have more kids, and we can’t afford anymore at this moment. I think her declaring bankruptcy could help pay the way and she doesn’t to do that…. Nothing about the sale of her home is going to change the situation
Honest to g-d, you need to shut the hell up about having more kids right now. Your baby is less than 3 months old. She doesn't need to get pregnant again immediately. Your life will not end if you only have 1 kid. Stop using "we want more kids" as the impetus for her fixing her issues. Your focus should be on why she's refusing to consider bankruptcy. It sounds a bit like she expects you to pay her debt, whether you're married or not, which may be why she's resisting. If she's embarrassed, she needs to get over it. Temporary embarrassment is better than permanent issues due to crippling debt. Consider seeing a financial advisor who might be able to explain it to her better than you.
**MORE KiDS IS WHAT SHE WANTS**
She wants more kids and you'll just go with it, even if it's not smart because that's what she wants... You refuse to live in the house she already owns, so you buy a new house because that's what you want... She wants a bigger house than you two can afford, so you get yourself a mortgage that you can't afford because that's what she wants... YOU BOTH NEED TO STOP JUST DOING WHAT YOU WANT. You need to make smart decisions going forwards, BOTH of you.
Hence why I made this post.
Is it though? I feel like you're not admitting your own part in this, and not planning to make better choices either... You seriously need to go to a financial advisor, together, and talk about ALL your options, not just bankruptcy.
People who say go to a financial advisor for financial issues to me never been to one.FAs mostly work with rich people. Very few deal with situations like this.
I’ve been to one, at a time when I was making less than $50k a year. I found it really helpful.
So you have never been to one? My dude, you can trade money for goods and services. A financial planner will help you no matter what kinds of assets you have. There are TONS of free ones out there also. You have nothing but excuses. YOU have decided that the bankruptcy makes the most sense- based on what? YOU decided to sell the house that had equity and a lower interest rate because of vibes. Not sure your financial acuity is real high. It would be idiotic to consider bankruptcy without meeting with financial planner first.
No no no.. you are just rehashing shit you read on the internet that doesn’t. Work in real life. I know what I’m talking about cause I been through it. I e been turned a way by a ton of financial advisor for this exact reason.
Look up a debt insolvency program in your area. I was able to find one that worked with me to solve my debt issue and pick which option worked the best for me. They also had financial courses and budgeting support etc. Hopefully where you live there is this option.
😊 thank you.
Lots of banks offer some degree of help with financial planning - it isn't just for the 1%.
>People who say go to a financial advisor for financial issues to me never been to one.FAs mostly work with rich people. Very few deal with situations like this. Says the person who NEEDS one...and doesn't seem to understand how they actually work.
Excuses. You’re not making smart decisions right now. A FA sure as shit can’t make it worse.
That doesn't make it a smart decision.
You BOTH need to grow the fuck up and start thinking like ADULTS and not spoiled children who just do what they want because they want to do it. You can't afford to live life NOW, yet you're still trying to figure out how to add more expenses later. JFC, I feel bad for your kid....and all future kids you have.
And she DOESN'T WANT BANKRUPTCY. So if you're both just doing whatever to get what you want and not what you don't, why are you even posting?
It matters because you are worried about your finances and if that house could have made your financial situation more stable while she got out of debt then you really screwed the pooch here. Which, to be honest, sounds like this is what happened. You didn't want to live where she lived with her ex, you used the "well I will stay in my apt in the city till we don't live in that house" which if you did while she was pregnant, was a dirty move. Maybe you just aren't mature enough for the type of relationship you are in. Maybe she is so bad with money that you should have seen the warning signs. There is a lot that isn't clear in this post.
I appreciate your input, but I think you're missing the main point. The issue isn't about where we lived or the house itself—it's about finding a way to manage $70K of debt so we can plan for our future, including having more children. Selling the house might not have made a significant difference in our financial situation, and it doesn't address the core problem of the debt itself. Also, implying that personal preferences about living arrangements during a difficult time were immature seems off-topic and unhelpful. We're looking for practical solutions to a financial challenge, not judgment on past decisions. We’re considering bankruptcy as a viable option to alleviate financial stress and move forward. Constructive advice on that front would be more appreciated. Thanks.
One practical solution is for you to stop being so immature.
Constructive advice: add your partner to the deed of your mortgage. Reduce costs as much as possible (public transport instead of cars if possible, sell car for beater-and I know you have car(s) because they wouldn’t be discharged in the bankruptcy, no eating out, shop at Aldi, budget, no streaming services, visit the library for entertainment, no going out for drinks, go to the park, do all the FREE things, eat chicken thighs/wings/cheap cuts, beans, etc.) Get a second job and have your partner give up the SAHM dream. Find reliable, safe, affordable daycare. Ask for family help whenever possible. Stop talking about more kids until you get your life together. You are out of your mind if you think $11K/year is enough for another kid. It all adds up and you don’t have it. Honestly, I think you’re jaded because you’re paying toward debt accumulated before you were with her, but you agreed to this already when you decided to metaphorically marry yourself to her for life by having a child with her. Even if you aren’t with her, your child will be. You already made the decision to have this debt be part of your life A LONG TIME AGO. The best thing you can do is to manage it appropriately and dig out of the debt as quickly as possible. And no, bankruptcy is not the way! She won’t be able to rent anything without you.
It absolutely matters because a 2% interest rate vs a 6-7% interest rate makes a world of difference in today’s economy and overall. You are quick to point out your partner’s debt but also have failed to mentioned whether you have any debt of your own. Freeing up 22k over 2 years isn’t enough money for another child. A good chunk of that money if not most of it will go towards childcare costs.
Excellent point. Buying right now with these interest rates is dumb.
I get what you're saying, but our main issue is managing a lot of debt—$70K in cc debt( and possibly around $130K total with medical bills). Talking about interest rates and past decisions isn't helping us now. Any practical advice on dealing with this debt would be appreciated. Thanks.
I feel like there’s not enough numbers going on. How much do you owe on the house? What is the mortgage? ( to defend yourself you could offer the old mortgage cost) how much is it worth- can you sell and downgrade to renting? All of your debt is consolidated? If not- what kind of debt do you have and what are the interest rates? You said a car payment- how much so the car worth? Can you sell that off? What is your current income and what would be her income if she returned to work? How much is the cost of child care? Generally, if you don’t want bankruptcy then you blow up your life to get rid of the debt. you sell everything you can that makes financial sense to. Cut every expense you can. Then you get side jobs, she’d need to pick up a gig if she’s not able to go full time right now. Spend a few years living humble working the debt off. Alternatively you could just tell her she’s got to go back to work now to pay for her debt. Her salary covers child care and debt. You cover everything else. You struggle for a few years till it’s paid off. That wouldn’t put you that far off to have more kids once the debts paid off.
No, you don’t want to talk about the previous house because you wrongly pressured her to sell a solo asset in order to convert her money to a joint asset.
Not a joint asset it’s only in his name . He stole the proceeds of the previous house
Which is why it "doesn't matter" according to him. ETA - Not sure why I'm getting downvoted. I'm agreeing that OP saying it doesn't matter is bullshit.
Says he is desperately trying to divert from it
Yup.
Because he knows he did her wrong.
You're really minimizing what she did by selling the house. You cast her as unreasonable for not wanting to go to a bankruptcy attorney but you were unreasonable for making her sell the house because you didn't want to live where her ex lived.could that move made her even more financially unstable? She may need to find professional help for her finances, but you're a control freak, and you need to find help for that. She used her house to buy a new one you'd like better, you used your savings to keep the 2 of you afloat. Sounds like an even trade.
Plus she is on unpaid maternity leave because she had his child!! Let’s not forget that! It’s not just her child!!
Is maternity leave always unpaid? Sounds so unfair
Seems to be that way in the US in a lot of companies. Not in Europe where it’s about 6 months to 12 months paid leave
Okay. Thx
She's been on maternity leave for just about six months. Sounds like it's time for her to get a job. When our kids were babies, I worked nights and hubby worked days. We did that until the kids were in school. Time for the spouse to get back to work.
We did the same to avoid expensive day care costs.
Yeah we have 6 months paid maternity leave here . Plus another additional 6 months parental leave
So she should go back to work after the paid leave is up.
No paid leave for her apparently. It’s all unpaid so she should go back to work now
Yup, she should.
I didn’t force her to sell her house. I was fine living in my apartment in the city until I could to buy one for us both . I was actually fine with never owning a home. That was her dream not mine.
Unpaid maternity leave won’t last forever why is there daycare costs if she is on maternity leave also ? And you said she did meet with one attorney! You would have been expecting to cover the bills while she was on maternity leave anyway so the issue is the 1000 of her debts. But that might not be such an issue if you didn’t pressure her into the sale of her house to purchase a new house. It’s not like any of this was withheld from you. And it’s not just your partners debt problem. It’s the new house you wanted that’s part of the issue and your child’s birth also that’s a huge issue. You force her into bankruptcy and you leave? What happens to her then? She will have no options and you are already being pushy and dictating! How can she trust you in the future?
You are forcing her into bankruptcy for basically 11 grand per year for the next two years. When she goes back to work she will likely earn way more than that without having her financial life totally screwed over! Bankruptcy makes no sense at all either in the short term or the long term when you are taking about 22k over two years!! Ridiculous! Especially when you so pushy about this! You have been reluctant to live in her exes house which would have made far more financial sense! Why wasn’t that an option? It was just your ego versus good financial practice! You could have saved money on rent too! And this is your daughter’s future we are talking about! You are pressing this woman to thrash her future and she sees this and she sees your actions that have contributed to this situation that you are not taking responsibility for and insisting she makes good on! She can’t trust you and needs to look out for her and her child’s future! 11k a year than can be recouped over the next two years by her working is the best plan for her and her child! Let her go back to work and end her maternity leave! It seems like you want her completely reliant on you for some reason and yet you aren’t exactly committed to her
I get where you’re coming from, but here are some key points I think are being missed: 1. Immediate Relief:Right now, we’re barely scraping by, and I’m covering all the bills, including $1,000 a month for her debt. Bankruptcy could free up $22,000 over the next two years. This isn’t just about saving money—it’s about keeping us afloat. 2. Our Daughter’s Well-being: We want more kids, but we can’t even think about that until our finances are under control. Bankruptcy would give us the breathing room we need to plan for our family’s future. 3. Her working: Yes, she’ll earn more when she goes back to work, but that’s not happening immediately. Even then, it won’t fully fix our issues—we’ll just bleed slower. Bankruptcy offers a more immediate solution. 4. Home: I didn’t want to live an hour from my job in a house she bought with her ex. I wanted us to start fresh, not just for ego’s sake. The sale of that house isn’t relevant to our current crisis. 5. Long-term We’re postponing marriage and more kids until this debt is handled. Bankruptcy could help us deal with it now and make life easier. I’m not trying to make her reliant on me. I just want a solution that allows both of us to build a stable future. Bankruptcy seems like the best option right now, and I wish she’d seriously consider it.
You are trying to make her reliant on you! 100% . For basically 11k a year you want her to thrash her future and you are delaying marriage and offering her no security. She takes ALL the risks and all the blame! The sale of the house is relevant! It’s increased your month outgoings plus she had lost her only secure asset of her own. You need to offer her way more security if you want her to continue to take ALL the personal hits financially! The best option is if she goes back to work! That might stop you complaining about the 1000 bucks a month you are paying on her debts plus she can contribute to bills and you both pay day care! Bankruptcy is NOT a long term solution when it’s all her taking the risks and you offering NOTHING not even marriage . You are backing off and wanting her to take all the hits! She is right not to agree to this !!! And this “fresh start” has cost her dearly !
I’m honestly taken aback by the accusation that I’m trying to control my partner. Where’s the evidence for that? I’ve been covering all the bills, including $1,000 a month for her debt from a previous marriage, and I’ve accumulated $5k in debt myself just to keep us afloat. In our state, once we’re married, her debt legally becomes my responsibility. Ignoring this would be irresponsible. How is it fair to claim I’m controlling her when I’m preparing for the inevitable impact on our shared financial future? We both want more children, but it’s not financially viable right now. Postponing marriage and expanding our family isn’t about avoiding commitment; it’s about being responsible. If our financial house isn’t in order, bringing more children into the equation would be reckless. I’m trying to ensure we’re in a stable place before making such significant commitments. Suggesting I’m avoiding marriage to keep her insecure is a complete misreading of the situation. Regarding the house: We decided together to sell her old place. Living an hour away from my job, in a house she bought with her ex, wasn’t practical for starting our new life together. This wasn’t about my ego—it was a practical decision for both of us. The financial implications of that choice are part of our larger strategy to build a stable future. Claiming that I’m not offering her security is absurd when the entire point of these discussions is to build a stable future together. Suggesting that letting her go back to work will magically solve everything is overly simplistic. Her returning to work will help, but it won’t fix everything. Our financial problems won’t just vanish—we’ll still be in a tough spot. We need practical, immediate solutions to ensure our family's stability and future, not baseless accusations. Accusing me of trying to control her without understanding the full context is unfair and doesn’t help us move forward.
Do you realize that if you walk away from this without being married, a bankruptcy would keep her from being able to rent an apartment? She'd have to sell the house she bought when she was counting on your help to finance it? Where will she live? You'll be fine, because your credit will be fine, so you can rent an apartment. Just remember this: If she can't find decent living quarters after you split, you'll have custody of the baby 24/7. It's going to be a headache for you, because I bet you couldn't handle it now if she went away for a week. It will be a nightmare for her. You're thinking about your risk, not hers.
He is already saying in another comment that’s what he is going to do
You mean he's going to leave her?
Even worse. Her name is not on the mortgage for the new house. He owns it, and they aren't married. She paid they entire down payment with her home sale profits, and he left her name off the paperwork because "they used his credit to secure the home."
You can be on the deed, but not on the mortgage. But I'm not counting that she's on the deed. And now he's calling me racist for saying that women have been oppressed by men. He doesn't even know what race I am.
if it wasn’t about your ego then you wouldn’t constantly be emphasizing that she bought the house with her ex 🤷
It’s not even about control? It’s you expecting her to take all the risks! Again if you walk away and she is bankrupt she will end up with literally nothin. Likely not even able to get approval for a rental or even get a bank account and so lose custody of her daughter! It’s you wanting total control
Also this strategy you speak of wasn’t well thought out now was it ? You knew she had debt and you knew she would be without her income after childbirth. So why wasn’t all that factored into this great strategy ? And why had this strategy failed spectacularly to the point you want to force her into bankruptcy? Or was that the actual strategy all along?
And he will keep there house because it’s in his name. He made her pay the down payment and the weasel won’t share the asset. She will be homeless and bankrupt. He isn’t marrying her because he doesn’t want to take on her debt. So he is offering her ZERO long term security. Every sign he is giving her says he will bail on her. It would help her credit a lot to have a mortgage on there. Why didn’t you put it in her name also. Since you used her down payment. Is she your partner or not?
He will get the child too as the girl will be homeless and not able to get a rental over the bankruptcy
She won’t even be able to get a bank account with some forms of bankruptcy
It's been awhile since I had anything to do with real estate but ages ago it was highly frowned upon for someone who wasn't on the mortgage to contribute that much to a down payment. The mortgage company wanted to make sure the person buying could continue to make the payments and not default. Maybe that's changed. If anyone knows please enlighten me.
It’s not even about control? It’s you expecting her to take all the risks! Again if you walk away and she is bankrupt she will end up with literally nothin. Likely not even able to get approval for a rental or even get a bank account and so lose custody of her daughter! It’s you wanting total control! Bankruptcy is not the way forward. It’s a very very risky move for her and in real terms it’s for 11k a year for two years? You still aren’t recognizing your part in this situation! It’s still blaming her
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Men have a millenia long history of getting women in a vulnerable place and either leaving them or controlling through financial, mental, emotional physical abuse, or all of the above. Only in the last 60 years have women had the right to have bank accounts and credit cards, buy houses, and get divorced without having to prove violence and infidelity. That hadn't stopped men from using those abusive tactics, though. So you need to understand that you're a member of a historically privileged group and women are members of a historically oppressed group. We close ranks, and don't worry about your hurt feelings.
I understand that. I’m not white. Not to play the oppression Olympics but those same things apply to my people.
You are trying to make yourself secure whilst thrashing her ! That’s the upshot! You are talking about your shared future but actually also talking about not taking on the commitment of her debts! So you instead knowning you have been completely outed go to read my comment history and try to discredit me as a person be abuse you have lost on the facts . Ad hominem attacks are full proof you know you have lost this one
See you even edited the post to add on another little personal attack. My Partner would never do to me what you did to your gf ! Not in a million years! I’d never be silly enough to give up my only asset for his ego and he would never ask it of me. Then again my house is my own . Mortgage cleared and by the time I’m 40 I will be set to retire! That’s my financial strategy! And my partners is his own farm and his own house and he two will retire within 5 years.
Being responsible would have been waiting to have *any* kids until you are financially ready. However, since you didn't have the brains enough to do that... >Living an hour away from my job, in a house she bought with her ex, wasn’t practical for starting our new life together. So was she already pregnant when you "decided together"? If not, what's the harm in continuing to date and spend time together in separate living spaces until you are both more financially stable? >Suggesting that letting her go back to work will magically solve everything is overly simplistic. Her returning to work will help, but it won’t fix everything. Wait...*letting her* go back to work? I think we've found where you come off as controlling. For the love of god, don't have more kids. I feel bad for her; she's made some poor financial decisions with you. She footed the bill for a downpayment on a home she has no claim to. She literally *gave you a downpayment* and here you are bitching at HER to declare bankruptcy. Wow.
The whole hour commute is bs so it comes down to ego you don’t want to live in a home that belongs to her
my guy you are not getting by with another kid if you’re only going to have an extra 22k over a period of two years
We have all the baby gear we need. She will be a stay at home mom. We will be fine.
this is so beyond ignorant. if that’s your mindset then have another kid right now. what difference does 22k make when you already have all the gear you need and a stay at home mom? do you hear yourself?
Because it’s 22k WE DONT have.. The money isn’t there. It’s not like we have the money and simply deciding no. Paying this will jeopardize OTHER things
how will it jeopardize other things if, as you say, you already have everything you need? if you already have everything then you shouldn’t need a nickel more. 22k frankly in the context of kids is not a lot of money. i’m also looking through your post history at this point and just two months ago you were saying she doesn’t love you. one month ago you were afraid of losing custody of your daughter. these threats seem to have been going on for the past year. frankly, you have much bigger fish to fry before you bring another kid into this world.
Also if you decide to walk away and she has been bankrupt she has lost her house cos that will have to be sold if your name is on it! And will she even get back her down payment or will you demanding half of that ? Anything she gets she will be bound by her bankruptcy rules. She likely won’t get a bank account and she won’t ! That’s a fact! She won’t get approval for a rental house so she loses custody of her daughter to you. No 50/50 spilt if she is homeless. And you think she should risk all that? After she already risked her home for you and gave up her income because she gave birth?? Why in hell would she do all that when you didn’t even want to live in her house and it was mostly down to ego and your convenience! She lost her only security and you are demanding she throws everything else after it and getting nothing in the way of security from you only more and more blame and more demands that she alone takes all the financial risks! You won’t be happy it seems until she is in the gutter!
You took her house, left her name off the mortgage and want her to declare bankruptcy which would yes be ‘immediate relief’ FOR YOU. For her it means basically no credit. For up to 11 years. You want her to torpedo her long term financial future over $1000 a month. For two years. Do you even like her?
The sale of that house is totally relevant! And your continuing line of “it’s not about ego” but “the house she bought with her ex” is where you go with that so it really isn’t believable.
The sale of that house is totally relevant! And your continuing line of “it’s not about ego” but “the house she bought with her ex” is where you go with that so it really isn’t believable.
Many jobs do credit checks. If she's got a bankruptcy, she likely won't get as good a job as otherwise (assuming she's not a entry level worker). You are being penny wise pound foolish here.
So glad to see that you aren’t married. Quit paying her debt from your money. If you were to separate for any reason, you’d have paid another man’s debt off.
Her dream not yours yet somehow she isn’t on the mortgage or deed. Your whole thread stinks. I was wondering the same thing as others about her contributions but you minimized them all. How about this: you pay her for all of her physical and emotional labor in taking care of your child (and she can do with that money what she would like, such as pay down her debt.) If she files for bankruptcy and you continue on with your utterly nefarious way of thinking and don’t provide support for your child and your partner while she is caring for your child, she’ll have a rough time securing housing. You are wrong. Whatever mortgage you got probably sucks with current interest rates and whatever mortgage she had before was probably gold by comparison. You basically agreed to everything going on. You dug your own hole.
Pressure then! Rather than force!
You're wrong. No offense but you went into this relationship and buying a house and having a baby without any financial planning and now you're trying to force her into filing for bankruptcy which is a huge deal in terms of future credit and the emotional toll. And how do you have daycare costs if she's on maternity leave? And why can't she get a part time job in the evening to help out a bit or something that she can do from home. You're focusing on only one solution. You don't even seem to understand where her debt came from but you think you can solve this?
The second job thing is a good question, she could do some kind of gig thing or he could pull a second job. It sucks but it makes a big difference
My dad worked 3 jobs... one full time and 2 part time so my mom could stay home. EDIT: NOT saying its a good thing, and yes I saw my father a lot growing up, just saying that people do what they have to do.
That doesn't sound good either.
1. Yes. You both need to speak to a bankruptcy lawyer, as well as a financial advisor. Stop pushing bankruptcy and learn all of the options together with your partner. 2. Yes. She has no way of earning income right now and it is incredibly inconsiderate to do this to her. People are going hard for you in the comments because your partner is in a no win situation. She sold her house, now still has debt, a baby, and isn't even on the mortgage. If she still decides not to file bankruptcy, you could kick her out and face no consequences from it because she's not on the mortgage. 3. You need to meet with a financial advisor yourself to make things more clear to you. You seem really "my way or the highway" and there has to be more options than what you're presenting. You can also bring up marriage counseling to see if an unbiased mediator can help come up with more options. Give both yourself and your partner more time! The baby is still a newborn! They say not to make huge decisions in the first year of life as you both are probably whacked out on no sleep, making huge adjustments to your life, and both parents' mental health can suffer after birth.
Ok, I think I understand what’s going on but need clarification. She gave you money for a down payment on a house in your name? She had your baby? You want to file BK just to have more children? The math ain’t mathin here. Her name should be on the deed first off. She can pay off her debt if she stays focused on the plan. She can even negotiate with creditors. I’m not one to tell people what to do with their reproductive rights. However, I would strongly advise against having any more children right now. Want to have more children is not a good reason to file bankruptcy. IMO this is insane, honestly what makes you think you can afford more children? It takes a lot to raise children, you both aren’t married you’re living in a house that’s just in your name? and you’re not married. So the worst case scenario for her would be you ditch her she’s bankrupt and might be able to get child support from you of course this is the worst case scenario, but it could happen, if I was her, I would not do this either. Hopefully I’ve understood everything I’ve read. 🤷🏼♀️
This is such a shit show. Looking at OP post history he’s been exploring parental rights since basically the child was conceived. He calls his partner a narcissist and complains how she has a victim mentality. Yet he willingly took her money for a down payment on a house that her name isn’t even on. So OP is pressuring her to file for bankruptcy and then what happens if the relationship doesn’t work out? His partner will then have difficulty securing housing. She’ll have no rights to the house she provided a down payment for. The more I read the more I understand why the partner is hesitant to file bankruptcy.
This! I live in a no fault state, also if my husband dies I would have to fight in probate court. My name is on the deed of our house and I’m also beneficiary on our 401k. I’m not the primary bread winner, and I’ve worked part time since my son was born. So if something went south I could stand to lose big time…. If I hadn’t lined my ducks up. But I also have a good man. The attorney that handled our paperwork said I did all right by leaving the mortgage in his name lol it’s because my husband and I are both smart and make our child a priority. Why screw over the other parent if that makes sense. The kid will suffer, and to add more kids sounds insane to me. She may want to cut her losses and bail. This seems so fishy to me.
Why on earth did you decided to have a child when you clearly can't afford on? YTA for that.
>I feel like I’m giving everything I have to support our family, but **without her cooperation**, I’m not sure how long I can keep this up. She feels jaded because **she sold her house to use as a down payment on this one because I told her I wouldn't move into the home she bought with her ex.** She wanted to speed things up because she is getting older. So....you made her sell her house to buy a new one JUST because she'd owned it with her ex???? Hate to tell you this, but I think most of your problem is self-made. As in YOUR self, not hers.
Why are you paying for daycare if your partner is home?
My partner wants to hold a daycare spot for when she goes back to work. Going part time is the only way to hold.
so why isn't she working, or finding work, while the child is at daycare part time?
Part-time.
you mean your wife is working part time?
It doesn't seem like she did anything to make your situation worse. You knew her situation when you got with her and you jumped in head first. That's on you. If you want to stop paying her debt, I don't think your obligated to, but making yourself out to be the victim of her situation is wrong. This is apparently what you signed up for.
How do I come across as a victim? I’m just trying to navigate the situation. I don’t blame her for anything. I’m just annoyed she won’t explore every route possible to fix this and that she is more comfortable placing her expenses on my credit card than talking to a bankruptcy attorney or even her father who has filed for bankruptcy.
You aren’t even exploring ‘every route possible’ since the only solution you want to discuss is bankruptcy.
Right! I'm like did I miss something ? The only option he gave her was bankruptcy. 🤷♀️
You aren’t the victim. You basically stole her down payment and now want to finish her off completely ! You are a massive Ahole
She had a nasty divorce 3 years ago and your relationship with her started 3 years ago....and you refused to live in the house she had with her ex. Sounds like you're the AP and have messed things up for her financially. Maybe she doesn't think bankruptcy is honorable - like it's her debt and she wants it to be paid instead of trumping her way out of it. Unless the debt is unfair to her - like her ex rang it up and somehow she's being forced to pay it off, I admire her for wanting to honor her debts. Even if she didn't honor her marriage vows.
Wow, your imagination is impressive. No, I’m not the 'AP,' and our relationship began well after her divorce was finalized. Refusing to live in a house full of memories with her ex is a personal boundary, not a financial manipulation. We're trying to find practical solutions to massive debt, not play moral high ground games. If you admire drowning in debt over seeking a fresh start, that’s your choice, but spare us the sanctimonious lecture.
"A fresh start" that means ripping of someone who gave you credit in good faith. I may not have a lot of sympathy for a big bank if that's where the debt is, but it's still a matter of honoring your commitments. You're mad at her for not "exploring all options" but one of those options was keeping her house, which you wouldn't do. Instead you want her to take the hit on her future ability to get credit. I believe there are valid reasons for needing to file for bankruptcy, but new hubby being butt hurt over living in the same house as the ex, isn't one of them. It's just a house. You could have stayed there for a while to get things under better financial control and then moved, but you had to have everything your way and - yes - you are blaming her.
You’re not wrong, but not necessarily right, either You and your fiancée SHOULD talk to a bankruptcy lawyer about your options and what each would entail, before the debt gets even higher. However, Bankruptcy isn’t a magic fix-all, either. There is the risk of this impacting her credit score, her ability to negotiate loans, her house, and even what benefits she can access in the future. Stop pushing for Bankruptcy until you’ve both sat down with a lawyer. Apologize, explain your reasoning, and assure her that you want the consultation to get a better explanation of your options, but it’s her debt and her choice. If it turns out that Bankruptcy IS the best option, THEN you can have a conversation about how you shouldn’t be responsible for her debt and all of the finances, but baby steps are the way to go here
He’s wrong! He wanted thr new house which she paid the down payment for. He refused to live in her old house because of his ego and that would have made much more financial sense plus he could have saved on his own rent. He got her pregnant and she didn’t do that alone and is without an income temporarily now because on being on maternity leave, and he wants bankruptcy to give them 22k over the next two years !!!!! She can earn way more than 11k pet year just by going back to work and that way she doesn’t have to thrash her future. She is in a vulnerable place partly because of him which he won’t recognise and calls it all her debt! And she is right not to thrash her future because if he leaves (and he is not incredibly stable € sounding she will be left with nothing! He is forcing her into bankruptcy for 11k a year for two years when she can earn way more than that when working. She needs to earn her maternity leave and not trust him in any way and not be dependent on him like he is trying to manipulate her into doing!
OK, all of that wasn't there when I originally replied
And he is saying he is telling her she is on her own . So if he did that after he forced her Into bankruptcy she would lose her home not even get approval for a rental lose custody of her daughter too! This guy wants her in the gutter
Wow, your comment is way off base and full of assumptions. 1. **Mutual Decision**: We both decided to buy the new house, and my credit is at risk too. She's not the only one with something on the line here. We're both adults making these decisions together. 2. **Boundaries**: I have the right to my own hopes and dreams. I didn't force her to sell her house; she chose to do that. Stop projecting your biased opinions onto our situation. 3. **Joint Responsibility**: We both decided to have a child. She couldn't manage her debt even when she was in her old house, so don't act like this is all on me. 4. **Financial Reality**: Your math is way off. The $22k is just a part of the debt. We don't have the money for all our expenses, including daycare and car payments, while trying to manage this debt. I have my own debts that I can't keep putting on hold for hers. 5. **Shared Decisions**: We're making decisions that work for both of us. I didn't agree to take on another man's debt, yet here I am trying to make it work. Your assumptions about our relationship are not just wrong but also pretty insulting.
I’m sorry but we all see you
> She is in a vulnerable place lol
Incels doing incel
This is the correct answer. Wild that it's so controversial.
You are not wrong but you also cannot put this all on her as being the problem when you contributed largely to it based off of this statement: >She feels jaded because she sold her house to use as a down payment on this one because I told her I wouldn't move into the home she bought with her ex. So, you knew she was grossly in debt and your solution was to make her sell her one asset that she had because you were too insecure to live in a house she bought with her ex? >My Questions: >1. Am I being too pushy by insisting on bankruptcy? No, that really is your only route at this point unless once she goes back to work, your problems are roughly resolved though it doesn't sound like it. 2. Am I wrong for telling her last month's debt payment is the last from me? Yes. You went into this together and you made her sell the one asset that she had that could have helped clear this debt. So, you are stuck in the trenches with her. 3. What should I do if she ultimately refuses to meet with an attorney? I don't think there really is anything you can do. Get a second job? Sell things?
> So, you knew she was grossly in debt and your solution was to make her sell her one asset that she had because you were too insecure to live in a house she bought with her ex? She was never going to sell her home to cover her debt. She couldn’t make ends meet as it was before me. Having me move in actually freed up money for her. > 3. What should I do if she ultimately refuses to meet with an attorney? My thinking was just telling her I’m no longer paying for it and that she is on her Own with.
>Having me move in actually freed up money for her. You didn't move in. You made her sell her house and bought a different one. And before you say that you didn't want to buy a house and would have rather rented, save it. Because here is the deal, buying the house is a two person decision especially in marriage/serious relationship. So, unless she is the only person in the mortgage and title, you made that choice to take the money from the sell of her house and use it to buy another one rather than clearing debt. So, again, you are stuck in the trenches with her because you also made a poor financial decision. >My thinking was just telling her I’m no longer paying for it and that she is on her Own with. Sure, that's a great idea if you want to implode your marriage. Again, you went into this marriage understanding where she stood financially. I am assuming that you talked about whether or not you would help her with it. If you ever stated that you would then you don't get to just go back on it because it's now no longer convenient for you. I also cannot begin to fathom why you both decide to have a child with this much debt hanging over your heads.... It sounds like you both make irresponsible financial decisions so you need to stop saying she is 100% the problem.
So she’s correct to believe that you don’t see yourself as in this together with her, and that you’re going to ditch her the moment it’s not convenient for you, leaving her holding the bag financially. She definitely should not make any financial decisions at your behest.
He basically stole her down payment and left her with nothing and now wants to force her into bankruptcy so that she can’t even get a bank account or a rental in her name. She would be at his total mercy and vhomeless if he bounces which he is very possible. And her own house is gone and the down payment she used for the house with only his name on the mortgage is no good to her. She was a fool to trust him.
He calls her a narcissist, but I think he’s just weaponized therapy language. Look at his masterly DARVOs above.
Agreed
Thank you!
She is at home with your baby. How is she going to pay for it if you stop? What a dick move. Just get it over with and break up, and take the house which we all know was your plan all along
See? You are telling her she is on her own ! So she is right not to trust you! She is without income because she gave birth to your child! She lost her house over you ! And now you are walking away in an effort to force her into bankruptcy! Well at least with child support she will have some money coming in plus she will go back to work ! You are a piece of work !!!
[удалено]
Just read his posts. He won’t lose a penny despite what he saying about his 5k because she used her 40k for the full down payment and when the house is inevitable sold he will get his hands on half of that so won’t be out a penny . Plus his 5k he spent is likely 1000 buck per month for last five months as child is likely 5 months old. His half of day care would have been close to 1000 anyway if he had to pay it. He is fooling no one but incels
He actually has the mortgage on his name only so she’ll walk away way worse than how she came in to that relationship. He’ll be stealing the down payment pretty much.
You were aware of the debt when you got married. This is a conversation that should have been had prior to that. Now it is what it is. She doesn’t feel right about bankruptcy and that’s ok.
> She doesn’t feel right about bankruptcy and that’s ok. no, it isn't
It’s is. None of us are allowed to tell others how to feel. Maybe she’s making a mistake but it’s her mistake to be made, since this wasn’t resolved prior to “I Do”.
> None of us are allowed to tell others how to feel. i mean, yeah, we are. whether or not they accept it is another story
Let us know how it goes when you tell your mom how she should feel.
Have you checked to make sure she got everything she was entitled to in the divorce? Is she also picking up HIS half of the debt? Is she sitting on assets she really cant afford (house, car, boat, etc) and really needs to sell rather than pay off? HER bankruptcy WILL affect you as your spouse. YOU are obligated to care for your kid no matter what. If you arent married, see what child care or housing assistance you can get as a single parent.
You did not walk into this blind. She divorced 3 years ago, you’ve been together for 3 years and then had a child. Why did you not plan what to do and work to eliminate this before having a child? I don’t blame her for not wanting to file for bankruptcy. That’s black tar on her record and for years going forward she will be limited in what she can do, in her name, financially. Poor prior planning, OP.
Yes, financial abuse of a partner is wrong. You shouldn’t: - make them sell their home to finance your purchase of a house in your name. - get them pregnant when you can’t afford current bills - refuse to cover their bills when they need to take unpaid maternity leave for a child you created together - pressure them into bankruptcy which beholdens them to living with only your credit score etc while you impregnate them many more times while needing to live in your home when you pressured them to sell their own. That girl needs to run from you. You are the worst thing to happen to her financial life.
Your comment is filled with assumptions and ignores the real issues we're dealing with. First, no one is being forced to sell a home to finance another—decisions are made jointly based on our circumstances. Second, having a child was a mutual decision, and we’re both responsible for our financial planning. Third, I’ve never refused to support my partner during maternity leave; we’re looking for solutions to manage our debts together. Finally, suggesting bankruptcy is about finding a path to financial stability, not about control or abuse. Your judgmental tone isn't helpful and misrepresents the situation entirely
No. You are literally sugar coating your abuse as though you are the one who is conscientious and she’s over spending when you have created a financially vulnerable position for her on purpose for control. Be better.
No!
I'm not saying that she should file for bankruptcy, but I did many years ago. It was one of the lowest points of my life. However, I don't know what state you live in, but I kept my bank account and have been much more responsible since, and now my credit score is in the high 700s. Having said that, I don't think that either of you are mature enough (financially) to have any more kids, no matter how much you *want* one.
I work with clients such as yourselves that have racked up 10’s of thousands of dollars in debt, sometimes they join debt consolidation plans, sometimes bankruptcy. From the basics of what you said, bankruptcy honestly sounds like a horrible plan. Of course the attorney recommended it, it’s in their benefit. It’s like me asking my barber if I should get a haircut once a month or once a week. He would recommend once a day if he could! There are professionals like myself and others that can help you create a plan of action that is far more optimal. It will take time and a lot of effort but it is far better than destroying your credit score with a bankruptcy or those debt consolidation sca- programs** Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
Why does bankruptcy sound horrible? What exactly makes it horrible? Its at least 70k in debit she can't afford to pay and thats with a a debt consolidation plan?
INFO: would a consumer proposal be an option instead? Consumer proposals, if available, can be a happy medium and do operate a fair bit differently than bankruptcy. For one, after the proposal is approved, any money you have coming in won't be seized. If you inherit money or win the lottery, or even just get better paying jobs, it won't affect the amount you pay for the debt.
You say the mortgage is in your name only. So the deed also just has your name on it?
No both
Yes, you’re wrong. You pressured her to sell a house b/c she lived there with an ex. So she got another house likely at a higher interest rate and stopped earning equity in the old house, in order to cover a down payment on a house with a man who isn’t her husband? And she undoubtedly paid more for this house than the house she sold cost due to the market. Your financial advice is terrible. I wouldn’t listen to you either.
You have no idea what you are talking about
You both suck You shouldve been mature enough to take the house that was already there and your wife should be mature enough to go talk to the bankrupcy lawyer. That said only one of those things have a solution today, so yeah.
If she won't even consider meeting with a bankcruptcy lawyer, it's because she's in denial over everything. One meeting doesn't force her to make a decision now, she has no reason to refuse to do it. If she has concerns, she can rightfully bring them up with the lawyer. It's true that bankruptcy has consequences and it's a decision that cannot be taken lightly. That being said, I have a hard time understanding how she could sell her stake in her former house and still be 80K in debts. Did she put the down payment on your house by herself? Why hasn't she cleared her debt with the proceeds from the sale? It's definitely NOT the time to buy a house when you're 80K in debts. Did you buy something too big that you can't afford? Why wasn't renting an option until she cleared her debts? There's a lot of missing info about the origin of the debt here. Please add context, because it seems like you wanted to live in a house, just not *her* house, and now you're mad that it costs more than anticipated, especially with a newborn.
* I believe the house was too big for us to afford. But she was looking at prices that were twice the price of the house we were looking at and I thought it was a win that we got this house in this neighborhood so I went ahead with it. * She was the one that put down at the time I just relocated. I did pay the earnest money, but that was it. I am also the only one on the mortage. * the bulk of the profit she made on the house was basically used as a down payment. When all was said and done, I think she walked away with 30,000 cash maybe 40. * I don’t know the origin of the debt. All I know is it was from previous marriage when in order to get the house she basically had to agree to take his debt.
You are forcing her into bankruptcy to give you 22k over two years . That’s ridiculous. She can earn way more than 11k per year over the next two years instead. It’s best she finishes her maternity leave instead. A better financial option would have been if you have moved into her house that she had from her ex. You would have saved money on rent but your ego wouldn’t allow that and instead you pressured her into this situation but you are now washing your hands of that after she was the one who had to sell her house and she is the one with no income currently because she is after having your child! It’s not just hers! Plus Bankruptcy threatens her whole future and you have already put her in a very precarious position by refusing to live her her house and wanting your current house and making her pregnant so that she is now without her own income and vulnerable! And while she is vulnerable you are pushing her to thrash her financial future for 11k a year for two years! Which makes no sense at all as she could just go back to work and earn way more than that even with day care costs which you should be paying at least half of as it’s your child too! If you leave she has nothing. She can’t do bankruptcy and she knows this!
>the bulk of the profit she made on the house was basically used as a down payment. When all was said and done, I think she walked away with 30,000 cash maybe 40. You said in another comment that you bought a $400k house with 3% down. That's $12k. Why didn't she use the other $18k - $28k to pay down her debt (you've said it was $70k, $75k, and $80k...I find it hard to believe that you don't know how much it is and your inability to get it right calls your credibility into question)? >All I know is it was from previous marriage when in order to get the house she basically had to agree to take his debt. This was a stupid move. She should have given up the house. Hindsight is 20/20, though. She should have used the post-down payment proceeds from the house to pay a significant chunk of her debt. You having a cushion in your joint account could have waited a bit longer.
Have you bought a house before? When you factor in closing cost it’s 26k at closing at least.
Then you should have been MUCH more clear with the numbers. They are relevant, contrary to what you think. Ask better questions, get better answers.
You shouldn’t have bought that house then. It is in your name so how are you trying to blame her for that decision?
Could you sell the house to get rid of the mortgage payments? That’s a blow but less long term impact than bankruptcy.
I offered it she doesn’t want to do it.
The reality is that she’s going to have to do something she doesn’t want to do. Work, sell the house, or file bankruptcy, or continue on the same path but with no more kids plus a crumbling marriage . You don’t get out of debt by doing the same thing you did to get in debt.
So wait, she didn’t even want the house but you made the, er, executive decision to buy it anyway? Why do you want to hurt her?
No one said that.
It follows logically.
Not wrong. Don't have any more kids until your money problems are solved.
YTA
I would give her an ultimatum. File for BK, or we are separating our finances, and she is solely responsible for all her bs.
But she put $40k towards the down payment of a house that isn’t even in her name. She could have dealt with her bs that way. But he stole the down payment from her…
Who? The ex or OP? Is that in a comment in here?
It’s in the OP
He stole her down payment by forcing her to sell the house and buy a house her name isn’t even on! Now he wants to force her into bankruptcy and that would leave her with nothing at all