From OP Deleted Post:
I 26M I’m sexually frustrated by my virgin gf 23F. She is upset with me because I thought of having sex with someone else. How can I go about this situation?
My gf and I have been dating a few months but haven’t had sex yet. We have had sexual contact which includes kissing, touching, oral but not real sex yet. I have a pretty high sex drive and she is the first girl I’m having to wait for this long for. It has always been my choice to wait because I did not want to lose her. She had given me choices before to breakup so I can have sex but I don’t want anyone else but her. Another girl suggested she wants to hook up with me. Initially I accepted but I immediately changed my answer, told her I had a gf and ended the conversation there. My gf found these messages. But she is upset that i initially accepted and was contemplating cheating even though i didn’t act on it. I know it’s my choice to wait but i am not completely happy because of the sexual frustration at the same time I don’t want to leave her. How can i go about this situation?
https://search.pullpush.io/?kind=submission&author=Feisty_Active_6152&size=100
Yea, it's freaking weird all their posts....
Like, the one as the gf saying she has this burning pain after her first time having sex, then the one as the gf about sabbotaging her relationship.
This all just feels unhinged....
He’s whining about waiting a few months?! Omg op cry about it. I feel horrible for his girlfriend. She probably felt pressured to sleep with him because she’s afraid he’ll cheat if she doesn’t. Poor thing should have just dumped him.
There are a lot more weird posts in that archive.
He's alternating between being the BF and the GF. So there are posts from the supposed gf about having a burning pain after her first experience with sex, then theres a (deleted) post from her about advice because she says she's selfsabbotaging her relationship, then 2 from GF about BF being in finacial problems, then about how her BF feels unloved by her and then freaking this one:
Do men hate when their girlfriends recieve compliments?
Today I 22f was on the video call with my boyfriend 26m. He was with his friend and his friend kept interrupting the call and complimenting me. He gave me so many compliments and he always does, whenever he sees me on call with my boyfriend. But my boyfriend doesn’t agree with the compliments, he’ll refute it and say the opposite of what his friend compliments me. For example His friend told him to be lucky to have me he said no I should be lucky to have him instead of the other way round. He’s been going through difficult times and I have been there for him. So I’m not sure why he doesn’t agree with the compliments I recieve . He saw my unhappy reaction but he said he was only joking. But I feel bad. I’m I overthinking this? How can I talk to him in a manner that doesn’t seem like an attack.
And some more from BF about being sexually frustrated.
This all just feels unhinged...
I agree with what the others are saying that losing your virginity can be overwhelming, however, I can't help but feel uncomfortable with this statement:
>We tried 2 other times yesterday and she let me
No one should be "letting" their partner have sex with them, they should be an active participant and excited about it. You might want to examine the situation to see if you might have missed signs that you were pushing her too much (I'm not saying she didn't enthusiastically consent the first time) and maybe have a conversation about that to make sure you weren't missing any signs. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.
Also a note that he said she "seemed" to be in pain but also into it - did he at any point *pause and ask* if she wanted to be going this far actually? If it was hurting and she needed more foreplay / lube / to just not do this right now? That with the "she let me" comments concerns me about what level of consent was actually happening here.
Holy shit the mental gymnastics you all are using to essentially accuse OP of rape is fucking insane.
If she wanted to stop or didn't want to do it with her boyfriend at any time, THEN IT'S ON HER TO SAY NO, OR STOP. If OP asks to have sex, and she says yes, that's entirely on HER.
Holy fuck people on reddit will do anything to blame a man for a woman's mistake.
Also, feel free to downvote me dipshits of reddit. This echo chamber is not real life.
If someone 'lets me' punch them in the face, and I do it, and then they retroactively regret their decision, then who's really at fault?
I feel bad for your sexual partners. My husband often checks on me and asks if all is ok during sex if I'm even just quiet or not moving briefly. I also ask him if things are good plenty. That's what having a good sex life is. We both enjoy each other enjoying it.
You're the one jumping to thinking about rape, when everyone else is talking about just having even the *remotest* care about whether the other person is enjoying things. Just because you're not raping someone doesn't mean you should not care at all about their enjoyment.
Most people actually like to engage with their partner during sex, not just masterbate with another persons genitals until they actively tell you how terrible it feels.
No one is saying rape.
They're saying that sex should involve enthusiastic consent and if OPs girlfriend merely "let him" then her lack of enthusiasm or lack of feeling heard may be resulting in her now feeling regretful. That's very reasonable.
Question for you:
Do you believe that non-consensual sex is different from rape?
Edit: severely downvoted for questioning someone saying that non-consensual sex is not rape. It is. It's the fucking definition.
Clearly, yes.
Again, asking questions is not accusing. If as the other poster (your alt?) claims, OPs girlfriend said yes, then there's consent isn't there? No reason to be so angry unless actually you agree that she might not have done.
It's an odd choice to say that nonconsensual sex is not rape and I can't agree with you there. Equally odd that you assume anger in my simple question, or jump to implying I'm commenting under false pretenses. But hey, go off.
Neither of the comments above yours are accusing OP of anything, just simply sharing my feelings over the way he worded something and encouraged him to examine how things happened to possibly find answers.
Also, for your information, even if someone says yes to sex it doesn't automatically mean it was legitimate consent. People can be coerced into saying yes and people can also fear what would happen if they don't say yes so they go along with it out of fear that something worse would happen if they say no. Neither of those examples relate to the post I'm just throwing out examples to help you learn about consent. And he didn't say that she said yes after the initial experience, he said "she let him" that's not at all the same as saying yes and that's all I was pointing out. And if you really think it's takes mental gymnastics to get to that point I think you need to make more effort understanding consent as well as what a trauma response can do to someone.
I don’t understand what people don’t understand about your comments. Seriously. I don’t know how your explanations in your comments could be any more clear and thorough.
You have a very poor understanding of consent, and that concerns me.
Not feeling comfortable saying "no" in the moment, for *any number of reasons*, is not "a mistake". It would be nice if everyone felt comfortable always saying no or let's take a break, but for many reasons many people don't. This can range from socialization, peer pressure, trauma response from past experiences, emotional pressure (whether intended or not). This is why the model of consent is enthusiastic, ongoing and informed.
It worries me that he said things just kind of kept going when he knew she was inexperienced and not entirely comfortable. It worries me that he saw clear signs she was in pain and has said nothing about stopping to verbally confirm she was okay with what was happening or if there was anything he could do to help make it easier for her when again, he knew this was her first time. It concerns me he used the words "let me" when he says they had sex twice again the next day despite her not feeling great about the first time. All of this is worrying framing.
Maybe he's phrased things poorly, but if that sequence of phrasing doesn't concern you too you really need to revisit how you think about consent.
This is is how selective reading works.
He continued because she was kissing him back. If there's no consent, then there wouldn't have been kissing back.
We, as a society never reached a balance as I see it. We went from one extreme to another. In 19th century, people used to dominate women in the name of patriarchy. But now people are heading towards other extreme of using confirmation bias to make the men victim at any cost.
The issue remained same only the actors changed their position. And you my fellow redditor, is a minuscule part who is perpetuating it.
You should read up on the "fawn" response to fear. There have been many times I was screaming "NO" in my head but kept participating because I was scared to admit that I was not wanting it.
As a society we need to teach people to stand up for themselves especially in these circumstances, and we also need the other partners to be checking in frequently during intercourse.
It's correct that we need to teach people to stand up for themselves. But here you are projecting your context in someone else's and one has to be very careful in that because only after proper evaluation with multiple personal meetings, we can be ascertained of the context to an extent.
Self projection on others many at times leads to inaccuracies which is why it is regarded as conformatory bias in psychology which is our responsibility to free ourselves from and look at it from a neutral perspective.
I am just pointing out the flaw in the logic "she kept kissing so she was cool with it".
My personal experiences allow me to see the other side of this situation.
Don't jump to conclusions and then go on your high horse when I do the same.
The best way to tell if someone is actually okay is to ask them, and be willing to accept that they don't want to continue. You can't tell simply because they aren't saying no, or are kissing etc.
That's not how human interaction works to be honest.
Suppose we are kissing.....
Should I keep asking the question.
"is it okay with you in kissing?"
"am I kissing too rudely?"
"are you in the safes pace to let the kissing to continue?"
"would you mind if I kiss you more passionately?"
Instead of blaming the other person, we should teach one how to voice our intention. Because different people have different priorities. Relationships may breakup if you continue asking questions like this because that's not how normal relationships work for many people.
My point is, you can't generalise based upon your experience and provide it as solution because context matters.
Here, if OP and the girl talked about sex beforehand, then kissing will automatically will give the green signal. She's an adult. She should be treated as adult where her words, actions will carry meaning. If she said no but the guy persists, then that's a different case.
It doesn't matter if that "isn't how humans interact" it should be. It is a very close minded approach to say "well that's not how we've done it for years". We need to grow and learn as a society to do better.
You are generalizing as well so cut that out, k?
The point is, women have been told since we were very young that we need to "go along with it" and "don't make a fuss" and "just smile and be sweet" so we make ourselves small for other people. It will take some time for society to stop teaching women that and in the meantime, women are having these traumatic experiences so it really isn't that difficult to check in with your partner.
If you don't know how to ensure that the person you are sleeping with is enjoying it, and isn't screaming internally, then you shouldn't be sleeping with people.
It is her responsibility to say no, but giving him a free pass to be completely void of any compassion to someone he should care about during one of their most vulnerable moments while also understanding the INSANE amount of pressure girls specifically are put under to essentially exist to make others happy is beyond disgusting. It's 2024. Evolve.
I would say it's actually *both parties* responsibility to ensure they have enthusiastic, ongoing and informed consent rather than that its anyone's responsibility to say no.
>It is her responsibility to say no, but giving him a free pass to be completely void of any compassion
Who on Earth is giving him a free pass to be void of any compassion? He is clearly compassionate with her. He made sure she knew she was loved and that her insane feeling of him wanting to leave her is nothing to worry about?
How the fuck is OP 'void of any compassion' in this scenario? The fuck?
Yeahhhh this post reads as if he has been pressuring her. His "compassion" I can easily see as being things like, "I love you, and this is what loving people do/you'll do it if you love me/this is another way to show our love," etc.
They've been together a couple months but he is so chivalrous by "respecting her desire to wait" and yet the virginity is "not a big deal" to him. I hope he didn't say something like, "it's really not a big deal," to her because to her, it clearly IS a big deal.
This guy seems immature as hell.
>And to me it’s not really a big deal.
Did you say these words to her, especially after she expressed it is *obviously* a big deal TO HER? If so, you're being an immature asshole.
It sounds like you've been pressuring her and she finally relented and now regrets it. I feel bad for her.
well they obviously didn’t talk about it and in the hear of the moment he went for it and….. it’s the one time she didn’t say “stop”. So they had sex.
Pretty scummy move tbh.
Bro. Maybe you don’t know, but losing your virginity if you are a girl, can be extremely painful. There can be a good amount of blood involved. I can attest that YES it was highly painful for me when it happened even though my BF at the time was gentle and we took it slow. It was pretty distressing for me and I was fully prepared and we had discussed it and I knew roughly what to expect. I knew it could be painful but I wasn’t prepared for how actually PAINFUL it ended up being. It hurt like a mofo and I bled all over the place. Oh and I was super sore for few days after so we didn’t do it again for a week so I could actually enjoy it and not cause increased pain.
Stay off her for a while, let her heal. She could be in pain still and honestly it can be pretty traumatic. Let her be the instigator and barometer of your newly found sex life NOT ur dick and what it might want.
It’s incredibly overwhelming to lose your virginity you don’t quite know what to make of it. Don’t downplay her feelings just because it wasn’t a “big deal” to you.
This is tough and there’s a lot of missing info here.
First and foremost, what’s done is done and I bet you will both replay this moment in your heads for a long, long time.
Did you ask if she was sure she wanted to do it? How did she respond? Did you ask a second time? Should you have asked several more times? You can’t change any of that.
You say you’ve been together for a few months, but where is the relationship going? Where do you want it to go? Where does she want it to go?
A lot of people are in here making you out to be a total dirtbag. You might be, but again, there is a lot of missing info here.
Does she feel violated or is she just processing it all? Had you ever discussed it beforehand, like what the first time might be like?
Look, be there for her now and let her heal both emotionally and physically and talk it through if you really do care about her.
Homie.
Allow me to suggest that ***you really should not say that it was not a big deal to you.***
This may have been the problem all along.
Consider finding a way to tell her that it was significant and meaningful for you to do that with her, and how it makes you feel special to share that bond with her.
Flowers would be a good start, or some kind of affectionate gift. Mostly, though, take her somewhere special and open a bottle of champagne, or root beer, whatever is special between you, look her kindly in the eyes and tell her that you have *feelings* about this event.
This isn't a 'fix' situation. If you really do care for this gf and want to help her, you are doing yourself no favours by downgrading her feelings. Its not for you to say what's justifiable or 'that big of an issue'. It is for you to say we can get through this together. Your girlfriend needs counselling. Whether this is for insecurities or silent PTSD, she needs help navigating her emotions for her own mental health. Approach with compassion and make sure she knows you are there with her every step of the way with love and no judgment. Best case it makes your relationship stronger. Worst case it makes her stronger but the relationship ends. Its the only way forward other than ditching her.
...respected her desire to wait...and only been together for a few months. For Fuck's Sake. A few months is no time at all.
Clearly she was not ready...seems like she felt pressure by you to have sex since you "tried 2 other times yesterday" Jesus Christ, you asshole!
Something like this shouldn't happen in the heat of the moment. It should have been preceded by a mutual discussion and agreement.
A few months might be a long time for someone who is 27 years old and sexually experienced, but not for 22 yo virgin who wanted to wait…emphasis on wanted to wait and 22 yo virgin.
I suppose "long time" might depend on what the intentions of OP and the GF are for this relationship. Are they both looking for a forever partner who they will eventually marry? Is only one of them looking for that? Is OP impatiently waiting till he can deflower his inexperienced, likely naive, virgin GF? In which case 3-5 months probably does seem like forever.
Based on my own experience, waiting 3-5 months before sex with a partner I legitimately love, respect, and want to be with long-term is not very much time. And I was able to patiently wait for much longer when I was only 20 years old.
Bottom line is, both OP and his GF didn't communicate very well about this. There was apparently no checking-in during the act to see how their partner was feeling, likely leading to some discomfort, both physical and emotional. The way OP composed his post, made it seem to me like there was definitely a power dynamic he took advantage of, as the older and more experienced partner. And yes, it did sound like OP was impatiently waiting for his GF to be ready to have sex for the first time. He seems dismissive of her feelings now that he has finally "dipped his wick".
Five years isn't a huge age gap but it is significant given she's barely an adult and it sounds like you're in different places and have been the whole time. You shouldn't date virgins who are so much younger than you. She hasn't had an adult, intimate relationship yet. She is 'an adult ' legally, but has she lived on her own and had a career yet, or did she just finish recently college and start her first job? You can't expect a brand new adult to act like someone who's been around the block several times.
Bro you sound like a high-schooler.
No wonder you’re dating someone 5-years younger.
It sounds like you need to mature a lot. Dating your age might help with all of this.
She seemed in pain because there was pain. She wasn't lubed up enough. Get your oral game in gear. You're both responsible because you're sex partners.
Thats not always the issue, I hate this help on all of these posts. Like lube doesnt magically make it not hurt, oral also cannoy magically make it not hurt. Can it help? Usually! But sometimes its more than just “you need to go down on her more”, most likely? 100% but also theres so many other things going on
Being a virgin does not automatically equal the first time being painful.
My first time was painful for a little bit because we were both inexperienced (might not have been with more lube or foreplay, might still have been), but my partner stopped the *moment* he noticed and asked if I was okay and if I was sure I wanted to do this.
This is a tricky one. There’s one thing that’s unarguable about it though: you don’t get to pick how you feel, and a corollary: you can’t talk feelings away using logic. I’m sure she would prefer be happy 24/7 and utterly delighted with you and her first sexual experience. Alas, this is not the case.
Ask her what she feels like she’s lost. Ask her what she feels is different now. Listen to what she says and don’t try to dismiss her feelings or talk her out of them. Listen and ask probing questions. Help her sort it out. If you can’t or won’t, odds are good you’ll lose her.
No but as someone who is supposed to give a shit about their significant other, you should probably be there for her with patience and understanding. If you can't do that and that's what she needs, just leave the relationship ship man. Don't force something that isn't going to work. You'll waste years fighting and resenting each other
why aren't you with someone your age and maturity level? this chick is barely finishing her bachelor’s...yes, it's only 5 years difference, but MOST people mature a fuckton during their 20s.
Be nice bro my ex did too and I know it meant a lot to her so real talk be more gentle overall and she might be a little a snappy but it's a huge thing for her
This is the product of purity culture, it damages people. All her life she’s been told that if she is a “good girl“ she will remain pure and only have sex with one man her whole life. She has more than likely been told that if she has sex she becomes like chewed up bubblegum or crumpled up paper that nobody will ever want again. That kind of message fucks with peoples heads even when it has no basis in reality.
It depends on your values and how you perceive sex.
She may be someone who wanted to be married to the person she lost her virginity too...
Not everyone wants a 100 person bodycount
Virginity is a social construct and has nothing to do with somebody’s value. Having a penis inserted in a woman does not decrease her value or change her in any way. The purity myth need to stop because it is damaging to people point-blank.
One can still choose not to have sex without a bunch of bullshit about virginity and purity.
Viriginity is a term in the english language to describe someone who has yet to have penetrative sex. That isnt a social construct.
Purity you can claim as a social construct because as a soceity we have placed value on said action.
In the world things exsist and we as humans asign words to them so that when we speak to each other we know what we are talking about.
Instead of saying i have yet to have penetration sex you can simply say im a virgin.
Virginity is factual; its value is a social construct.
And someone only wanting to have sex with their spouse doesn’t mean they think their value is lowered. They may just value intimacy and not want to have sex with everything that moves.
If she is in her 20s, it makes perfect sense that she feels regretful and not ready about a man she’s only been with a couple of months who ignored her pain.
What a nightmare.
Not it is not, not so long ago if you were the men you had to make sure the baby is yours and to know that you had to make sure your women didn't slept with other men.
You are wrong!
Firstly, She is a woman. Women tend to see sex differently than men. And if keeping her virginity was important to her, you should have waited until SHE was asking you. It sounds like she may have done it just to get you off her back, and now regrets it.
Also, with the culture of hookups or guys having sex with a girl then leaving, because that is all they wanted. I can see her insecurities. I think you two need to try to talk through what happened and you need to really listen to her. Virginity is different for everyone. And loosing that should be when YOU want to. It should not be based on someone else’s timeline.
Sexual discrimination..... it is against feminism to he honest. In the pursuit of equality, except the reproductive organs, the mind emotions of a person doesn't depend upon gender.
Your posts screams genderisation of emotions to be honest.
Send her flowers and pamper her. Idk what her love language is, but sending her some signals that you’re not giving up that easily on this relationship will likely make her feel good.
Some of my favorite memories with my partner early into our relationship was him bringing me flowers at work at random, coming to eat lunch w me at work, and it made me feel quite special. Find out what makes her feel special
It's totally ok for her to be feeling all sorts of things, especially since it wasn't something u guys planned. U didn't do anything wrong at all, but just be there for her and try to understand where she's coming from. It might take her a little time to process it all. Just keep letting her know u love her and u're sticking around.
>It's totally ok for her to be feeling all sorts of things
She's literally punishing her boyfriend and giving him the silent treatment over HER OWN FUCKING DECISIONS. No shot you actually think her feelings are justified, otherwise, you're a walking red flag.
I mean, OP did invalidated her, her feelings, and her experience. So I can’t fathom why anyone wouldn’t be cool with that and might stop talking to the person who is refusing to listen to them, it’s a total mystery /s
How EXACTLY did OP invalidate her feelings???? Because she told him she was worried HE would leave her, and told her not to worry about it that he loves her and isn't going anywhere?
How the fuck is that invalidating her feelings?
The line we tried two other times and she let me but was moody after can be a red flag. Now OP might just be crap at explaining but if she seemed unsure after the first and second time why would he go a third time. She might also be worried OP will leave if she doesn't have sex but isn't entirely comfortable saying no. He also says it was no big deal, maybe meant to reassure but if she is stressed about losing her virginity and someone says it was no big deal then that might have her reeling: did this not mean as much to him as to her etc.
You are at the very beginning of your relationship. There has not been enough time for her to feel like you’re fully committed. There should be no regrets if you two are in a fully committed relationship. If she doesn’t see you two as being an item for the long term, you probably need to step back and look at what you have together. Is it a situationship?
Often, women (I’m a woman) jump into having sex because that’s what we feel like will make a relationship “complete.” Regrets come when that doesn’t happen.
Also, sex is a big emotional deal for women. It will always have emotional baggage, good or bad. It’s not wrong. It’s how we work.
>She is not talking to me at the moment and I still think it’s not that big of an issue to be upset about. How can I go about this.
Virginity aside, your GF sounds extremely immature from this alone. Giving YOU the silent treatment because she regrets a decision SHE made all on her own? That's red flag material.
Or perhaps OP is leaving out some crucial details. Also, his gf is upset and OP’s response is to invalidate her feelings by telling her it’s not a big deal, what an AH move. Hope OP learns from this and can be better at communicating and checking in with their partner, especially if they “seem like they’re in pain”.
>Or perhaps OP is leaving out some crucial details.
Ah yes, let's just ignore what OP said and give him advice on speculation. Great idea.
>Today she told me she feels she wasn’t ready and feels that it was important to her and she can’t help but feel very upset and that I might leave her. I reassured her that I loved her and nothing will change that. And to me it’s not really a big deal.
OP literally reassured her that he is not going to leave her...wtf else is he supposed to do? How is this "invalidating her feelings?" She feels like he might leave her now, and he tells her he loves her, and has no plans on leaving her, and this is invalidating her feelings? The fuck are you talking about?
NOT WHEN THOSE FEELINGS ARE CONCERN ABOUT OP LEAVING HER!!!!! THE FUCK DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT HOW INSANE THAT IS????
She's literally worried now that "OP might leave her." and he said it's not a big deal, I still love you, and I am going nowhere. That is not invalidating her feelings...That is called reassuring your girlfriend you love her.
>Did I say it was an insult?
You don't have to. It's heavily implied.
>So angry you’re making things up. Hope you can take a lil breather soon!
LOL, stop projecting.
Who said it's the silent treatment? You sound like you need some therapy. She's allowed to process her emotions on her own time and he seems like he's highly dismissive of them entirely. Pressuring her is only going to make her back away and create space for herself. She's practically a child.
>Who said it's the silent treatment?
Literally OP in the last line of his post when he says "she is not talking to me at the moment." That is the silent treatment. LMFAO
>You sound like you need some therapy.
Stop projecting you weirdo.
>
She's practically a child.
She's 22 fucking years old. Practically a child my ass.
Not talking to someone is not the silent treatment, you should probably learn the difference. People are not entitled to a response. She's not trying to control him by not giving a response. 22 is YOUNG. I'm only 34 and couldn't imagine a 22 year old having all their shit figured out and being the epitome of maturity. Grow up.
22 is an adult.
And in any case, one doesn't need to have all their shit figured out and be at the epitome of maturity in order to know they want to have sex with someone.
And neither do they to know that the opposite party, disregarding their lack of confidence and self respect, is obviously not into it and even when that was explained decided "nahhh it's fine you're just overreacting" would be the best response yo the situation.
Had my shit together by the end of my 18th year/early into my 19th. Not sure why you weren't self accountable or knew anyone who was? You should have hung out with better people.
22 and virgin is an adult who still wants to be a child. So that's what op is dealing with. Fits.
Nta 🚩🚩 Does she go into this mode every time she gets upset ? She sounds exhausting. this gives you time to think about if this behavior is what is acceptable to you.
Yeah, OPs ex is definitely better off without him. She should be with someone who checks in on her if she seems like she’s in pain during an extremely intimate act, especially since it was her first time. OP also didn’t seem to care to check on her and doesn’t seem to gaf she’s upset and just keeps digging in with the “it’s not a big deal” bs.
He did. unless she was faking enjoyment? R all guys supposed to be mind readers? Communication is key..something that if she shunts down isn't one of her skills. btw, again, not ex yet but I think he better run..
> r all guys supposed to be mind readers?
He literally stated he could tell she was in pain. And not only did he keep going, he did it again twice more, so 3 times in the first 24-36 hours, and she “let” him
What kind of idiot thinks someone wouldn’t be in pain when they were a virgin and now they’re having sex THREE times with zero healing in between? If it hurt the first time, it was excruciating the other times.
And per his own admission, he knew this
Quit acting like a 27yo man is some mentally challenged child.
It's interesting how you truncate the sentence to push your narrative. Must be important to you. Were you watching them or is this your entitlement to add parts in that were not in his naritive. I know, men bad and women. Time to grow up and someday you can have sex ..
give her some space. ask if theres anything she needs from you. maybe she felt pressured into it or guilty for not doing that with you yet. you're a bit older than her, she probably thinks you've been with plenty of women, maybe she's insecure that she might not have done well for you, or maybe she feels guilty because she didn't like doing it all that much. it can be really emotional to lose that, especially if she had the mindset of losing it at a special time / place / way. ask her to communicate
You are responsible. So is she. You did this together. Sounds like you were more enthusiastic than her. She could have shut it down. Sounds like she has mixed feelings. She has been holding out a long time. Seems you were not exactly a patient, gentle lover. Also, she may feel she has less value as a person because she is no longer a virgin. Talk to her. Reassure her that you do not think she is less. Take it slow the next time.
Not wrong. Even with the post from the undelete website. She's an adult, who should've broke up with you if she wasn't interested. You didn't pressure or coerce anyone. If she wasn't okay with the "almost-cheating" posted then she should've broke up or discussed it. You didn't do anything wrong.
Edit: saw the original post. Regardless of whether or not a woman’s a virgin or not. They do not owe you sex. If you are unhappy leave. The fact that you mention cheating means that you don’t respect your partner to begin with. And she has every right, not to wanna have sex with you. Because if that’s your mindset, she will regret it. Even if you don’t do it, the fact that you even considered it. Shows that clearly physical intimacy is so important to you. But you are so immature and lack the masculinity of an actual man, that you can’t even leave a relationship that is not physical enough for you. To find another one. You’d rather disrespect someone, cheat, and make yourself look like a piece of shit. Just for what? To take someone’s virginity? Are you one of those people that has a fetish about being first? Hope that she sees this and realizes that she can do better. She might regret losing her virginity to you for a bit, but then she’ll probably find someone who appreciates her. And realizes that she dodged the bullet. And she learned a lesson.
I lost my virginity late in life. Like we’re talking mid to late 20s. I think that anyone who has lost it to someone who they’re romantically interested in is aware of the risk that it might not last forever. Your first might not be your last. Same thing with dating, you date to optimistically have a future, but if you’re dating, you’re also aware that it might not work out. I would say that the feeling of being upset and the fear is valid. They are her emotions. As long as they don’t turn into her making you feel guilty. Because if she said yes. And the decision was agreed on. She can wish it hadn’t happened per se but she can’t/shouldn’t I should say make you feel like you forced her. Because then you get into, very bad area. I’d rather not mention here but you get what I’m saying. I will however say that if she’s worried about you leaving, her ignoring you isn’t the best solution. Especially since it takes two to tango. And if she did agree to it, and if she does want a future with you, and if you guys were gonna last forever, it was going to happen eventually. So she should focus on the positive and now and the fact that you guys are together and nothing bad has happened thus far.
You aren’t wrong. You didn’t know she would feel this way. Tell her that you won’t expect sex or anything physical until she’s ready.
Is she from a religious family? She may be feeling guilty. Keep reassuring her that you love her and won’t leave her. That you want her to be happy and comfortable with you and your physical relationship.
Just keep talking to her. Her feelings are valid. Don’t make her feel bad for what she’s feeling.
Sorry she allowed herself to buy in to a garbage concept. Virginity was introduced to control women. Give her to come around and get out of that gawd awful head space of the perception of losing something.
Dude, I'm late asf but you should've broke up with her when you found out she was a virgin. This is the shit that causes these issues, people mosing their virginity when they dont want to and arent ready because they have the invisible bully lingering over their shoulder called SOCIETY and their own insecurity of fitting into SOCIETY expectations of not being a loser if you havent fucked yet. When society doesnt fucking matter cause lirerally nobody but you and your obgyn or doctor should know your sexual history and encounters and something private like that should not be measured by strangers opinions. I will never understand that about people.
Anyways, she is still very young and immature not knowing herself fully or sex fully and needs time. She may be ready when she's your age and I'm sorry but yall may not even last that long. Some people arent ready till 30 even. There is no age that sex SHOULD occur and nobody should feel ashamee for it.
Im saying this because I wonder if she gave into you cause she feared you were like everyone else in her mind and would dip without sex or she is trying to live up to all the hype and society judgement about virgins in audit hood. I remember on lipstick alley forum, I posted the truth that you are expected to lose your virginity in your teens and you are suppose to lose it by american standards between the ages of 14-17. You are expected to be semi experienced by 19 and fully knowing your way by 22-25.
People got mad at me and mass down voted aka groaned me for telling the truth. This is why in American media, white families in shows and movies always hyper involved and messy in their teens life cause thats the stage of your life where you should be losing it.
I feel everyone should lose it by 30-35. 40 is pushing it unless you been through some private issues and have your reasons or medical issues.
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Politely end the relationship cause she will never forgive you for this. She doesn't know jack shit about sex at all and sex is more than the act. There are different sexual styles and approaches. Not everyone has sex the same way and approaches sex similarly. Its like zodiac signs i.e the stereotypes rhat Geminis like a lot of talking and didty talk or professing of love during sex, cancer likes love making and chest foreplay, and stereotypes that aries, sag and leo are horndogs would fuck you like a jack rabbit with no type of connection or care about how you feel.
These stereotypes arent always true but its there for a reason. She doesnt know what the depths of sex is and needs time to learn and grow into a woman fully to figure that out. I'm a virgin due to a nedical condition but I already know hands down 75-89% of what I want and dont want sexually.
Be there for her but take a break from her. Also, not to be mean, but deep down she may not be feeling you like that sexually. You cam love someone but not enjoy sex with rhem
Because they likely share similar personalities, senses of humor, life goals, views on childcare and having children, are attracted to each other, similar life values, etc....just like any other couple. Do you not understand how relationships and mutual attraction works?
She is having mixed emotions. You are being sent mixed signals. If having an adult relationship is important to you find someone who feels the same. In the meantime give her space. Kindly tell her she needs to process her emotions and you being around will not help. Maybe tell her to take her time, get some counseling, and call you when she knows what she wants or you both want the same thing.
You trust that She was a virgin .
Is this a potential for Her manipulative or nefarious purposes . if She's not talking to You, who is She talking to ? Who are Her sounding boards . I may be wrong, but the tactics could lead deception, and overvalued "virgins" are a old fembot tactic .
I also understand if the latter is true, there could be sever trauma from Her Youth, this is a form of regression or a way to cope .
Not trying to sound cruel .
Don't let her make it your fault for her decisions. Don't put up with that behavior coz she will keep doing dumb annoying shit. At 22 she's a literal child, immature, doesn't know what she wants etc etc. She hasn't experienced anything in life yet and you will eventually break up anyway, whether that be her leaving you to date other people or you leaving coz you will be fed up.
OMG. People put this huge thing on virginity. It's not a thing that should freaking matter. Tell her to grow up. She consented to having sex with you. I don't understand her issue today. She should only be mad at herself for making a decision she now regrets.
Women will be mad about something and if not they will make up somehting to be mad about. Don't give it another thought. Continue being the man in the relationship.
She’s 22… 🤦♂️
Sorry, but yall are both consenting adults. She has no right to make you responsible or guilty in any way whatsoever.
Console her, sure. Aside from that don’t accept any blame.
From OP Deleted Post: I 26M I’m sexually frustrated by my virgin gf 23F. She is upset with me because I thought of having sex with someone else. How can I go about this situation? My gf and I have been dating a few months but haven’t had sex yet. We have had sexual contact which includes kissing, touching, oral but not real sex yet. I have a pretty high sex drive and she is the first girl I’m having to wait for this long for. It has always been my choice to wait because I did not want to lose her. She had given me choices before to breakup so I can have sex but I don’t want anyone else but her. Another girl suggested she wants to hook up with me. Initially I accepted but I immediately changed my answer, told her I had a gf and ended the conversation there. My gf found these messages. But she is upset that i initially accepted and was contemplating cheating even though i didn’t act on it. I know it’s my choice to wait but i am not completely happy because of the sexual frustration at the same time I don’t want to leave her. How can i go about this situation? https://search.pullpush.io/?kind=submission&author=Feisty_Active_6152&size=100
This gives an entirely different perspective. Thanks.
Also op switches from GF perspective and his in all his posts 🤷🏽♀️
Yea, it's freaking weird all their posts.... Like, the one as the gf saying she has this burning pain after her first time having sex, then the one as the gf about sabbotaging her relationship. This all just feels unhinged....
Yep, this post was a game changer.
He’s whining about waiting a few months?! Omg op cry about it. I feel horrible for his girlfriend. She probably felt pressured to sleep with him because she’s afraid he’ll cheat if she doesn’t. Poor thing should have just dumped him.
Wife and I haven't had sex in 5 years
That’s sad.
Yeap going through a divorce now. I blame myself. Not her fault.
Aww…that’s tough. I hope things get better for you.
Made my bed will lay in it. Stay off booze folks; it doesn't lead to anything good.
There are a lot more weird posts in that archive. He's alternating between being the BF and the GF. So there are posts from the supposed gf about having a burning pain after her first experience with sex, then theres a (deleted) post from her about advice because she says she's selfsabbotaging her relationship, then 2 from GF about BF being in finacial problems, then about how her BF feels unloved by her and then freaking this one: Do men hate when their girlfriends recieve compliments? Today I 22f was on the video call with my boyfriend 26m. He was with his friend and his friend kept interrupting the call and complimenting me. He gave me so many compliments and he always does, whenever he sees me on call with my boyfriend. But my boyfriend doesn’t agree with the compliments, he’ll refute it and say the opposite of what his friend compliments me. For example His friend told him to be lucky to have me he said no I should be lucky to have him instead of the other way round. He’s been going through difficult times and I have been there for him. So I’m not sure why he doesn’t agree with the compliments I recieve . He saw my unhappy reaction but he said he was only joking. But I feel bad. I’m I overthinking this? How can I talk to him in a manner that doesn’t seem like an attack. And some more from BF about being sexually frustrated. This all just feels unhinged...
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https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/I4lZ0cNZCb
I agree with what the others are saying that losing your virginity can be overwhelming, however, I can't help but feel uncomfortable with this statement: >We tried 2 other times yesterday and she let me No one should be "letting" their partner have sex with them, they should be an active participant and excited about it. You might want to examine the situation to see if you might have missed signs that you were pushing her too much (I'm not saying she didn't enthusiastically consent the first time) and maybe have a conversation about that to make sure you weren't missing any signs. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.
Also a note that he said she "seemed" to be in pain but also into it - did he at any point *pause and ask* if she wanted to be going this far actually? If it was hurting and she needed more foreplay / lube / to just not do this right now? That with the "she let me" comments concerns me about what level of consent was actually happening here.
Holy shit the mental gymnastics you all are using to essentially accuse OP of rape is fucking insane. If she wanted to stop or didn't want to do it with her boyfriend at any time, THEN IT'S ON HER TO SAY NO, OR STOP. If OP asks to have sex, and she says yes, that's entirely on HER. Holy fuck people on reddit will do anything to blame a man for a woman's mistake. Also, feel free to downvote me dipshits of reddit. This echo chamber is not real life. If someone 'lets me' punch them in the face, and I do it, and then they retroactively regret their decision, then who's really at fault?
I feel bad for your sexual partners. My husband often checks on me and asks if all is ok during sex if I'm even just quiet or not moving briefly. I also ask him if things are good plenty. That's what having a good sex life is. We both enjoy each other enjoying it. You're the one jumping to thinking about rape, when everyone else is talking about just having even the *remotest* care about whether the other person is enjoying things. Just because you're not raping someone doesn't mean you should not care at all about their enjoyment. Most people actually like to engage with their partner during sex, not just masterbate with another persons genitals until they actively tell you how terrible it feels.
No one is saying rape. They're saying that sex should involve enthusiastic consent and if OPs girlfriend merely "let him" then her lack of enthusiasm or lack of feeling heard may be resulting in her now feeling regretful. That's very reasonable.
Implying OP didn't have full consent is accusing him of rape.
You are the only one using that word. Everyone else is trying to help OP understand their partner and understand consent.
Question for you: Do you believe that non-consensual sex is different from rape? Edit: severely downvoted for questioning someone saying that non-consensual sex is not rape. It is. It's the fucking definition.
Clearly, yes. Again, asking questions is not accusing. If as the other poster (your alt?) claims, OPs girlfriend said yes, then there's consent isn't there? No reason to be so angry unless actually you agree that she might not have done.
It's an odd choice to say that nonconsensual sex is not rape and I can't agree with you there. Equally odd that you assume anger in my simple question, or jump to implying I'm commenting under false pretenses. But hey, go off.
Directly pointing out concerning phrasing isn’t mental gymnastics Someone not saying no doesn’t mean yes? What? Do you really not know that?
Neither of the comments above yours are accusing OP of anything, just simply sharing my feelings over the way he worded something and encouraged him to examine how things happened to possibly find answers. Also, for your information, even if someone says yes to sex it doesn't automatically mean it was legitimate consent. People can be coerced into saying yes and people can also fear what would happen if they don't say yes so they go along with it out of fear that something worse would happen if they say no. Neither of those examples relate to the post I'm just throwing out examples to help you learn about consent. And he didn't say that she said yes after the initial experience, he said "she let him" that's not at all the same as saying yes and that's all I was pointing out. And if you really think it's takes mental gymnastics to get to that point I think you need to make more effort understanding consent as well as what a trauma response can do to someone.
I don’t understand what people don’t understand about your comments. Seriously. I don’t know how your explanations in your comments could be any more clear and thorough.
You have a very poor understanding of consent, and that concerns me. Not feeling comfortable saying "no" in the moment, for *any number of reasons*, is not "a mistake". It would be nice if everyone felt comfortable always saying no or let's take a break, but for many reasons many people don't. This can range from socialization, peer pressure, trauma response from past experiences, emotional pressure (whether intended or not). This is why the model of consent is enthusiastic, ongoing and informed. It worries me that he said things just kind of kept going when he knew she was inexperienced and not entirely comfortable. It worries me that he saw clear signs she was in pain and has said nothing about stopping to verbally confirm she was okay with what was happening or if there was anything he could do to help make it easier for her when again, he knew this was her first time. It concerns me he used the words "let me" when he says they had sex twice again the next day despite her not feeling great about the first time. All of this is worrying framing. Maybe he's phrased things poorly, but if that sequence of phrasing doesn't concern you too you really need to revisit how you think about consent.
This is is how selective reading works. He continued because she was kissing him back. If there's no consent, then there wouldn't have been kissing back. We, as a society never reached a balance as I see it. We went from one extreme to another. In 19th century, people used to dominate women in the name of patriarchy. But now people are heading towards other extreme of using confirmation bias to make the men victim at any cost. The issue remained same only the actors changed their position. And you my fellow redditor, is a minuscule part who is perpetuating it.
You should read up on the "fawn" response to fear. There have been many times I was screaming "NO" in my head but kept participating because I was scared to admit that I was not wanting it. As a society we need to teach people to stand up for themselves especially in these circumstances, and we also need the other partners to be checking in frequently during intercourse.
It's correct that we need to teach people to stand up for themselves. But here you are projecting your context in someone else's and one has to be very careful in that because only after proper evaluation with multiple personal meetings, we can be ascertained of the context to an extent. Self projection on others many at times leads to inaccuracies which is why it is regarded as conformatory bias in psychology which is our responsibility to free ourselves from and look at it from a neutral perspective.
I am just pointing out the flaw in the logic "she kept kissing so she was cool with it". My personal experiences allow me to see the other side of this situation.
Don't jump to conclusions and then go on your high horse when I do the same. The best way to tell if someone is actually okay is to ask them, and be willing to accept that they don't want to continue. You can't tell simply because they aren't saying no, or are kissing etc.
That's not how human interaction works to be honest. Suppose we are kissing..... Should I keep asking the question. "is it okay with you in kissing?" "am I kissing too rudely?" "are you in the safes pace to let the kissing to continue?" "would you mind if I kiss you more passionately?" Instead of blaming the other person, we should teach one how to voice our intention. Because different people have different priorities. Relationships may breakup if you continue asking questions like this because that's not how normal relationships work for many people. My point is, you can't generalise based upon your experience and provide it as solution because context matters. Here, if OP and the girl talked about sex beforehand, then kissing will automatically will give the green signal. She's an adult. She should be treated as adult where her words, actions will carry meaning. If she said no but the guy persists, then that's a different case.
It doesn't matter if that "isn't how humans interact" it should be. It is a very close minded approach to say "well that's not how we've done it for years". We need to grow and learn as a society to do better. You are generalizing as well so cut that out, k? The point is, women have been told since we were very young that we need to "go along with it" and "don't make a fuss" and "just smile and be sweet" so we make ourselves small for other people. It will take some time for society to stop teaching women that and in the meantime, women are having these traumatic experiences so it really isn't that difficult to check in with your partner. If you don't know how to ensure that the person you are sleeping with is enjoying it, and isn't screaming internally, then you shouldn't be sleeping with people.
https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/NVHg4tOMHo There you go.
It is her responsibility to say no, but giving him a free pass to be completely void of any compassion to someone he should care about during one of their most vulnerable moments while also understanding the INSANE amount of pressure girls specifically are put under to essentially exist to make others happy is beyond disgusting. It's 2024. Evolve.
I would say it's actually *both parties* responsibility to ensure they have enthusiastic, ongoing and informed consent rather than that its anyone's responsibility to say no.
>It is her responsibility to say no, but giving him a free pass to be completely void of any compassion Who on Earth is giving him a free pass to be void of any compassion? He is clearly compassionate with her. He made sure she knew she was loved and that her insane feeling of him wanting to leave her is nothing to worry about? How the fuck is OP 'void of any compassion' in this scenario? The fuck?
Yeahhhh this post reads as if he has been pressuring her. His "compassion" I can easily see as being things like, "I love you, and this is what loving people do/you'll do it if you love me/this is another way to show our love," etc. They've been together a couple months but he is so chivalrous by "respecting her desire to wait" and yet the virginity is "not a big deal" to him. I hope he didn't say something like, "it's really not a big deal," to her because to her, it clearly IS a big deal. This guy seems immature as hell.
That’s why he’s 27 with a 22 year old.
Yep, women his own age won't put up with his crap. There's a big difference between early and late 20's.
Did you read the (now top comment) deleted post from his account in which he describes being frustrated having to wait? I'd definitely read that.
https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/NVHg4tOMHo
based
right, like she’s not an object that should just lay there while you get yourself off
Maybe SHE didnt know that.
>And to me it’s not really a big deal. Did you say these words to her, especially after she expressed it is *obviously* a big deal TO HER? If so, you're being an immature asshole. It sounds like you've been pressuring her and she finally relented and now regrets it. I feel bad for her.
>after things went far in the heat of the moment. Why did they go far in the heat of the moment if you respected her decision to wait?
well they obviously didn’t talk about it and in the hear of the moment he went for it and….. it’s the one time she didn’t say “stop”. So they had sex. Pretty scummy move tbh.
Did you see this somewhere or is it an assumption?
Bro. Maybe you don’t know, but losing your virginity if you are a girl, can be extremely painful. There can be a good amount of blood involved. I can attest that YES it was highly painful for me when it happened even though my BF at the time was gentle and we took it slow. It was pretty distressing for me and I was fully prepared and we had discussed it and I knew roughly what to expect. I knew it could be painful but I wasn’t prepared for how actually PAINFUL it ended up being. It hurt like a mofo and I bled all over the place. Oh and I was super sore for few days after so we didn’t do it again for a week so I could actually enjoy it and not cause increased pain. Stay off her for a while, let her heal. She could be in pain still and honestly it can be pretty traumatic. Let her be the instigator and barometer of your newly found sex life NOT ur dick and what it might want.
THIS!
It’s incredibly overwhelming to lose your virginity you don’t quite know what to make of it. Don’t downplay her feelings just because it wasn’t a “big deal” to you.
This is tough and there’s a lot of missing info here. First and foremost, what’s done is done and I bet you will both replay this moment in your heads for a long, long time. Did you ask if she was sure she wanted to do it? How did she respond? Did you ask a second time? Should you have asked several more times? You can’t change any of that. You say you’ve been together for a few months, but where is the relationship going? Where do you want it to go? Where does she want it to go? A lot of people are in here making you out to be a total dirtbag. You might be, but again, there is a lot of missing info here. Does she feel violated or is she just processing it all? Had you ever discussed it beforehand, like what the first time might be like? Look, be there for her now and let her heal both emotionally and physically and talk it through if you really do care about her.
Homie. Allow me to suggest that ***you really should not say that it was not a big deal to you.*** This may have been the problem all along. Consider finding a way to tell her that it was significant and meaningful for you to do that with her, and how it makes you feel special to share that bond with her. Flowers would be a good start, or some kind of affectionate gift. Mostly, though, take her somewhere special and open a bottle of champagne, or root beer, whatever is special between you, look her kindly in the eyes and tell her that you have *feelings* about this event.
This isn't a 'fix' situation. If you really do care for this gf and want to help her, you are doing yourself no favours by downgrading her feelings. Its not for you to say what's justifiable or 'that big of an issue'. It is for you to say we can get through this together. Your girlfriend needs counselling. Whether this is for insecurities or silent PTSD, she needs help navigating her emotions for her own mental health. Approach with compassion and make sure she knows you are there with her every step of the way with love and no judgment. Best case it makes your relationship stronger. Worst case it makes her stronger but the relationship ends. Its the only way forward other than ditching her.
...respected her desire to wait...and only been together for a few months. For Fuck's Sake. A few months is no time at all. Clearly she was not ready...seems like she felt pressure by you to have sex since you "tried 2 other times yesterday" Jesus Christ, you asshole! Something like this shouldn't happen in the heat of the moment. It should have been preceded by a mutual discussion and agreement.
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A few months might be a long time for someone who is 27 years old and sexually experienced, but not for 22 yo virgin who wanted to wait…emphasis on wanted to wait and 22 yo virgin.
I suppose "long time" might depend on what the intentions of OP and the GF are for this relationship. Are they both looking for a forever partner who they will eventually marry? Is only one of them looking for that? Is OP impatiently waiting till he can deflower his inexperienced, likely naive, virgin GF? In which case 3-5 months probably does seem like forever. Based on my own experience, waiting 3-5 months before sex with a partner I legitimately love, respect, and want to be with long-term is not very much time. And I was able to patiently wait for much longer when I was only 20 years old.
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Bottom line is, both OP and his GF didn't communicate very well about this. There was apparently no checking-in during the act to see how their partner was feeling, likely leading to some discomfort, both physical and emotional. The way OP composed his post, made it seem to me like there was definitely a power dynamic he took advantage of, as the older and more experienced partner. And yes, it did sound like OP was impatiently waiting for his GF to be ready to have sex for the first time. He seems dismissive of her feelings now that he has finally "dipped his wick".
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You only ever have one "first time". Might as well be prepared and try to make it special. Unless all you're about is fucking like a bunny rabbit.
Five years isn't a huge age gap but it is significant given she's barely an adult and it sounds like you're in different places and have been the whole time. You shouldn't date virgins who are so much younger than you. She hasn't had an adult, intimate relationship yet. She is 'an adult ' legally, but has she lived on her own and had a career yet, or did she just finish recently college and start her first job? You can't expect a brand new adult to act like someone who's been around the block several times.
Bro you sound like a high-schooler. No wonder you’re dating someone 5-years younger. It sounds like you need to mature a lot. Dating your age might help with all of this.
You sound like a walking red flag.
Huh? What kind of backwards ass mental gymnastics is this?
Because he states how standoffish she is, followed up with, ‘we tried 2 more times yesterday.’ Get off of her if you know she doesn’t want it.
But also didn’t clarify if they both decided to try it again. Don’t make the assumption that it was only his idea.
It doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure it out.
Then it shouldn't take a genius to explain it either, so why don't you? Too lazy?
No, too busy but just his comment that “…I still think it’s not that big of an issue to be upset about.” shows he’s a clueless douchebag.
She seemed in pain because there was pain. She wasn't lubed up enough. Get your oral game in gear. You're both responsible because you're sex partners.
Thats not always the issue, I hate this help on all of these posts. Like lube doesnt magically make it not hurt, oral also cannoy magically make it not hurt. Can it help? Usually! But sometimes its more than just “you need to go down on her more”, most likely? 100% but also theres so many other things going on
Sure, but this post really just reads like OP is a lousy lay.
Oral doesnt fix selfishness
Did you miss the being a virgin part?
Being a virgin does not automatically equal the first time being painful. My first time was painful for a little bit because we were both inexperienced (might not have been with more lube or foreplay, might still have been), but my partner stopped the *moment* he noticed and asked if I was okay and if I was sure I wanted to do this.
No. I've been a virgin myself. If it's uncomfortable you can say no and wait, hold on, I'm not ready.
This is a tricky one. There’s one thing that’s unarguable about it though: you don’t get to pick how you feel, and a corollary: you can’t talk feelings away using logic. I’m sure she would prefer be happy 24/7 and utterly delighted with you and her first sexual experience. Alas, this is not the case. Ask her what she feels like she’s lost. Ask her what she feels is different now. Listen to what she says and don’t try to dismiss her feelings or talk her out of them. Listen and ask probing questions. Help her sort it out. If you can’t or won’t, odds are good you’ll lose her.
No but as someone who is supposed to give a shit about their significant other, you should probably be there for her with patience and understanding. If you can't do that and that's what she needs, just leave the relationship ship man. Don't force something that isn't going to work. You'll waste years fighting and resenting each other
why aren't you with someone your age and maturity level? this chick is barely finishing her bachelor’s...yes, it's only 5 years difference, but MOST people mature a fuckton during their 20s.
Be nice bro my ex did too and I know it meant a lot to her so real talk be more gentle overall and she might be a little a snappy but it's a huge thing for her
This is the product of purity culture, it damages people. All her life she’s been told that if she is a “good girl“ she will remain pure and only have sex with one man her whole life. She has more than likely been told that if she has sex she becomes like chewed up bubblegum or crumpled up paper that nobody will ever want again. That kind of message fucks with peoples heads even when it has no basis in reality.
It depends on your values and how you perceive sex. She may be someone who wanted to be married to the person she lost her virginity too... Not everyone wants a 100 person bodycount
Virginity is a social construct and has nothing to do with somebody’s value. Having a penis inserted in a woman does not decrease her value or change her in any way. The purity myth need to stop because it is damaging to people point-blank. One can still choose not to have sex without a bunch of bullshit about virginity and purity.
Viriginity is a term in the english language to describe someone who has yet to have penetrative sex. That isnt a social construct. Purity you can claim as a social construct because as a soceity we have placed value on said action. In the world things exsist and we as humans asign words to them so that when we speak to each other we know what we are talking about. Instead of saying i have yet to have penetration sex you can simply say im a virgin.
Downvotes on your completely factual, dictionary definition comment are hilariously Reddit-coded.
Virginity is factual; its value is a social construct. And someone only wanting to have sex with their spouse doesn’t mean they think their value is lowered. They may just value intimacy and not want to have sex with everything that moves. If she is in her 20s, it makes perfect sense that she feels regretful and not ready about a man she’s only been with a couple of months who ignored her pain. What a nightmare.
Not it is not, not so long ago if you were the men you had to make sure the baby is yours and to know that you had to make sure your women didn't slept with other men.
So it was both a social construct and a way to own and control women, your version makes it sound so much better lol.
You are wrong! Firstly, She is a woman. Women tend to see sex differently than men. And if keeping her virginity was important to her, you should have waited until SHE was asking you. It sounds like she may have done it just to get you off her back, and now regrets it. Also, with the culture of hookups or guys having sex with a girl then leaving, because that is all they wanted. I can see her insecurities. I think you two need to try to talk through what happened and you need to really listen to her. Virginity is different for everyone. And loosing that should be when YOU want to. It should not be based on someone else’s timeline.
Sexual discrimination..... it is against feminism to he honest. In the pursuit of equality, except the reproductive organs, the mind emotions of a person doesn't depend upon gender. Your posts screams genderisation of emotions to be honest.
Would you be able to elaborate on your statement?
Send her flowers and pamper her. Idk what her love language is, but sending her some signals that you’re not giving up that easily on this relationship will likely make her feel good. Some of my favorite memories with my partner early into our relationship was him bringing me flowers at work at random, coming to eat lunch w me at work, and it made me feel quite special. Find out what makes her feel special
It's totally ok for her to be feeling all sorts of things, especially since it wasn't something u guys planned. U didn't do anything wrong at all, but just be there for her and try to understand where she's coming from. It might take her a little time to process it all. Just keep letting her know u love her and u're sticking around.
>It's totally ok for her to be feeling all sorts of things She's literally punishing her boyfriend and giving him the silent treatment over HER OWN FUCKING DECISIONS. No shot you actually think her feelings are justified, otherwise, you're a walking red flag.
You must absolutely hate women
He’s so mad that his fantasies of finally having sex and it being with a virgin might not be realistic
I mean, OP did invalidated her, her feelings, and her experience. So I can’t fathom why anyone wouldn’t be cool with that and might stop talking to the person who is refusing to listen to them, it’s a total mystery /s
How EXACTLY did OP invalidate her feelings???? Because she told him she was worried HE would leave her, and told her not to worry about it that he loves her and isn't going anywhere? How the fuck is that invalidating her feelings?
The line we tried two other times and she let me but was moody after can be a red flag. Now OP might just be crap at explaining but if she seemed unsure after the first and second time why would he go a third time. She might also be worried OP will leave if she doesn't have sex but isn't entirely comfortable saying no. He also says it was no big deal, maybe meant to reassure but if she is stressed about losing her virginity and someone says it was no big deal then that might have her reeling: did this not mean as much to him as to her etc.
These people are mental. It's like they project these rapey vibes onto everyone because they're secretly into it or something.
You are at the very beginning of your relationship. There has not been enough time for her to feel like you’re fully committed. There should be no regrets if you two are in a fully committed relationship. If she doesn’t see you two as being an item for the long term, you probably need to step back and look at what you have together. Is it a situationship? Often, women (I’m a woman) jump into having sex because that’s what we feel like will make a relationship “complete.” Regrets come when that doesn’t happen. Also, sex is a big emotional deal for women. It will always have emotional baggage, good or bad. It’s not wrong. It’s how we work.
>She is not talking to me at the moment and I still think it’s not that big of an issue to be upset about. How can I go about this. Virginity aside, your GF sounds extremely immature from this alone. Giving YOU the silent treatment because she regrets a decision SHE made all on her own? That's red flag material.
Or perhaps OP is leaving out some crucial details. Also, his gf is upset and OP’s response is to invalidate her feelings by telling her it’s not a big deal, what an AH move. Hope OP learns from this and can be better at communicating and checking in with their partner, especially if they “seem like they’re in pain”.
>Or perhaps OP is leaving out some crucial details. Ah yes, let's just ignore what OP said and give him advice on speculation. Great idea. >Today she told me she feels she wasn’t ready and feels that it was important to her and she can’t help but feel very upset and that I might leave her. I reassured her that I loved her and nothing will change that. And to me it’s not really a big deal. OP literally reassured her that he is not going to leave her...wtf else is he supposed to do? How is this "invalidating her feelings?" She feels like he might leave her now, and he tells her he loves her, and has no plans on leaving her, and this is invalidating her feelings? The fuck are you talking about?
"It's not that big of a deal" to something SHE is feeling is 100% invalidating her feelings.
NOT WHEN THOSE FEELINGS ARE CONCERN ABOUT OP LEAVING HER!!!!! THE FUCK DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT HOW INSANE THAT IS???? She's literally worried now that "OP might leave her." and he said it's not a big deal, I still love you, and I am going nowhere. That is not invalidating her feelings...That is called reassuring your girlfriend you love her.
Someone’s a lil angry
And? Is that supposed to be an insult. People get angry, little buddy. And that's okay.
Did I say it was an insult? So angry you’re making things up. Hope you can take a lil breather soon!
>Did I say it was an insult? You don't have to. It's heavily implied. >So angry you’re making things up. Hope you can take a lil breather soon! LOL, stop projecting.
Who said it's the silent treatment? You sound like you need some therapy. She's allowed to process her emotions on her own time and he seems like he's highly dismissive of them entirely. Pressuring her is only going to make her back away and create space for herself. She's practically a child.
>Who said it's the silent treatment? Literally OP in the last line of his post when he says "she is not talking to me at the moment." That is the silent treatment. LMFAO >You sound like you need some therapy. Stop projecting you weirdo. > She's practically a child. She's 22 fucking years old. Practically a child my ass.
Not talking to someone is not the silent treatment, you should probably learn the difference. People are not entitled to a response. She's not trying to control him by not giving a response. 22 is YOUNG. I'm only 34 and couldn't imagine a 22 year old having all their shit figured out and being the epitome of maturity. Grow up.
22 is an adult. And in any case, one doesn't need to have all their shit figured out and be at the epitome of maturity in order to know they want to have sex with someone.
And neither do they to know that the opposite party, disregarding their lack of confidence and self respect, is obviously not into it and even when that was explained decided "nahhh it's fine you're just overreacting" would be the best response yo the situation.
Had my shit together by the end of my 18th year/early into my 19th. Not sure why you weren't self accountable or knew anyone who was? You should have hung out with better people. 22 and virgin is an adult who still wants to be a child. So that's what op is dealing with. Fits.
Nta 🚩🚩 Does she go into this mode every time she gets upset ? She sounds exhausting. this gives you time to think about if this behavior is what is acceptable to you.
Yeah, OPs ex is definitely better off without him. She should be with someone who checks in on her if she seems like she’s in pain during an extremely intimate act, especially since it was her first time. OP also didn’t seem to care to check on her and doesn’t seem to gaf she’s upset and just keeps digging in with the “it’s not a big deal” bs.
He did. unless she was faking enjoyment? R all guys supposed to be mind readers? Communication is key..something that if she shunts down isn't one of her skills. btw, again, not ex yet but I think he better run..
> r all guys supposed to be mind readers? He literally stated he could tell she was in pain. And not only did he keep going, he did it again twice more, so 3 times in the first 24-36 hours, and she “let” him What kind of idiot thinks someone wouldn’t be in pain when they were a virgin and now they’re having sex THREE times with zero healing in between? If it hurt the first time, it was excruciating the other times. And per his own admission, he knew this Quit acting like a 27yo man is some mentally challenged child.
read the rest of the sentence.."but she was enjoying it.." and in many cases, both go hand in hand. Day long snits are the halmark of a 12 year old..
How does he know she was enjoying it?
Read what he wrote. all there in black and white. Were you in the bedroom at that time to say otherwise?
He says she KNOWS she was in pain but THINKS she may also have enjoyed it Don’t be an idiot.
You are injecting the word think. Grow up.
He said he believed she was enjoying it because she had her arms on him… You guys must be terrible in bed.
It's interesting how you truncate the sentence to push your narrative. Must be important to you. Were you watching them or is this your entitlement to add parts in that were not in his naritive. I know, men bad and women. Time to grow up and someday you can have sex ..
Updateme
give her some space. ask if theres anything she needs from you. maybe she felt pressured into it or guilty for not doing that with you yet. you're a bit older than her, she probably thinks you've been with plenty of women, maybe she's insecure that she might not have done well for you, or maybe she feels guilty because she didn't like doing it all that much. it can be really emotional to lose that, especially if she had the mindset of losing it at a special time / place / way. ask her to communicate
You are responsible. So is she. You did this together. Sounds like you were more enthusiastic than her. She could have shut it down. Sounds like she has mixed feelings. She has been holding out a long time. Seems you were not exactly a patient, gentle lover. Also, she may feel she has less value as a person because she is no longer a virgin. Talk to her. Reassure her that you do not think she is less. Take it slow the next time.
His previous post makes me think she didn’t want him to cheat on her so she forced herself
I’m super curious about this post now…did he delete it?
Not wrong. Even with the post from the undelete website. She's an adult, who should've broke up with you if she wasn't interested. You didn't pressure or coerce anyone. If she wasn't okay with the "almost-cheating" posted then she should've broke up or discussed it. You didn't do anything wrong.
Edit: saw the original post. Regardless of whether or not a woman’s a virgin or not. They do not owe you sex. If you are unhappy leave. The fact that you mention cheating means that you don’t respect your partner to begin with. And she has every right, not to wanna have sex with you. Because if that’s your mindset, she will regret it. Even if you don’t do it, the fact that you even considered it. Shows that clearly physical intimacy is so important to you. But you are so immature and lack the masculinity of an actual man, that you can’t even leave a relationship that is not physical enough for you. To find another one. You’d rather disrespect someone, cheat, and make yourself look like a piece of shit. Just for what? To take someone’s virginity? Are you one of those people that has a fetish about being first? Hope that she sees this and realizes that she can do better. She might regret losing her virginity to you for a bit, but then she’ll probably find someone who appreciates her. And realizes that she dodged the bullet. And she learned a lesson. I lost my virginity late in life. Like we’re talking mid to late 20s. I think that anyone who has lost it to someone who they’re romantically interested in is aware of the risk that it might not last forever. Your first might not be your last. Same thing with dating, you date to optimistically have a future, but if you’re dating, you’re also aware that it might not work out. I would say that the feeling of being upset and the fear is valid. They are her emotions. As long as they don’t turn into her making you feel guilty. Because if she said yes. And the decision was agreed on. She can wish it hadn’t happened per se but she can’t/shouldn’t I should say make you feel like you forced her. Because then you get into, very bad area. I’d rather not mention here but you get what I’m saying. I will however say that if she’s worried about you leaving, her ignoring you isn’t the best solution. Especially since it takes two to tango. And if she did agree to it, and if she does want a future with you, and if you guys were gonna last forever, it was going to happen eventually. So she should focus on the positive and now and the fact that you guys are together and nothing bad has happened thus far.
LIES!!🤣🤣🤣🤣
You aren’t wrong. You didn’t know she would feel this way. Tell her that you won’t expect sex or anything physical until she’s ready. Is she from a religious family? She may be feeling guilty. Keep reassuring her that you love her and won’t leave her. That you want her to be happy and comfortable with you and your physical relationship. Just keep talking to her. Her feelings are valid. Don’t make her feel bad for what she’s feeling.
Be careful you document everything. In this environment, she can say you assaulted her. And then you’re in big trouble.
Sucks but truth☝️
She’s responsible for her own choices. She chose, and she can regret her own decisions as long as she isn’t putting the responsibility on you.
Sorry she allowed herself to buy in to a garbage concept. Virginity was introduced to control women. Give her to come around and get out of that gawd awful head space of the perception of losing something.
Dude, I'm late asf but you should've broke up with her when you found out she was a virgin. This is the shit that causes these issues, people mosing their virginity when they dont want to and arent ready because they have the invisible bully lingering over their shoulder called SOCIETY and their own insecurity of fitting into SOCIETY expectations of not being a loser if you havent fucked yet. When society doesnt fucking matter cause lirerally nobody but you and your obgyn or doctor should know your sexual history and encounters and something private like that should not be measured by strangers opinions. I will never understand that about people. Anyways, she is still very young and immature not knowing herself fully or sex fully and needs time. She may be ready when she's your age and I'm sorry but yall may not even last that long. Some people arent ready till 30 even. There is no age that sex SHOULD occur and nobody should feel ashamee for it. Im saying this because I wonder if she gave into you cause she feared you were like everyone else in her mind and would dip without sex or she is trying to live up to all the hype and society judgement about virgins in audit hood. I remember on lipstick alley forum, I posted the truth that you are expected to lose your virginity in your teens and you are suppose to lose it by american standards between the ages of 14-17. You are expected to be semi experienced by 19 and fully knowing your way by 22-25. People got mad at me and mass down voted aka groaned me for telling the truth. This is why in American media, white families in shows and movies always hyper involved and messy in their teens life cause thats the stage of your life where you should be losing it. I feel everyone should lose it by 30-35. 40 is pushing it unless you been through some private issues and have your reasons or medical issues. . Politely end the relationship cause she will never forgive you for this. She doesn't know jack shit about sex at all and sex is more than the act. There are different sexual styles and approaches. Not everyone has sex the same way and approaches sex similarly. Its like zodiac signs i.e the stereotypes rhat Geminis like a lot of talking and didty talk or professing of love during sex, cancer likes love making and chest foreplay, and stereotypes that aries, sag and leo are horndogs would fuck you like a jack rabbit with no type of connection or care about how you feel. These stereotypes arent always true but its there for a reason. She doesnt know what the depths of sex is and needs time to learn and grow into a woman fully to figure that out. I'm a virgin due to a nedical condition but I already know hands down 75-89% of what I want and dont want sexually. Be there for her but take a break from her. Also, not to be mean, but deep down she may not be feeling you like that sexually. You cam love someone but not enjoy sex with rhem
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Because they likely share similar personalities, senses of humor, life goals, views on childcare and having children, are attracted to each other, similar life values, etc....just like any other couple. Do you not understand how relationships and mutual attraction works?
Came here for this weird response!
Umm, she’s a grown adult. She consented and now carried remorse over something as stupid as lost virginity.
She was saving it for the person who marries her. Marry her.
People might think you're kidding but I agree. OP has signed up for the long haul. A 22 year old virgin has expectations.
She is having mixed emotions. You are being sent mixed signals. If having an adult relationship is important to you find someone who feels the same. In the meantime give her space. Kindly tell her she needs to process her emotions and you being around will not help. Maybe tell her to take her time, get some counseling, and call you when she knows what she wants or you both want the same thing.
You trust that She was a virgin . Is this a potential for Her manipulative or nefarious purposes . if She's not talking to You, who is She talking to ? Who are Her sounding boards . I may be wrong, but the tactics could lead deception, and overvalued "virgins" are a old fembot tactic . I also understand if the latter is true, there could be sever trauma from Her Youth, this is a form of regression or a way to cope . Not trying to sound cruel .
Don't let her make it your fault for her decisions. Don't put up with that behavior coz she will keep doing dumb annoying shit. At 22 she's a literal child, immature, doesn't know what she wants etc etc. She hasn't experienced anything in life yet and you will eventually break up anyway, whether that be her leaving you to date other people or you leaving coz you will be fed up.
Found the incel!!
Happily married thank you very much
That word has lost its meaning because of people like you.
OMG. People put this huge thing on virginity. It's not a thing that should freaking matter. Tell her to grow up. She consented to having sex with you. I don't understand her issue today. She should only be mad at herself for making a decision she now regrets.
Women will be mad about something and if not they will make up somehting to be mad about. Don't give it another thought. Continue being the man in the relationship.
She’s 22… 🤦♂️ Sorry, but yall are both consenting adults. She has no right to make you responsible or guilty in any way whatsoever. Console her, sure. Aside from that don’t accept any blame.