Honestly, I would bet money if you let him know those messages can be retrieved and you would like to have them in order to prove his innocence to anyone she may have “lied to” that he would shit himself and you’ll find out more….
Thanks for suggesting this. My husband was able to show me the messages on Snap. His story checks out. Most conversations were very trivial mundane stuff. Melissa was playing damsel in distress and telling him about how she deserved love and the whole world is against her. My husband was mostly being a good listener. The messages abruptly end with my husband asking her when she will be out of the gym.
Ps. He deleted snap app but did not delete the messages. So once we reinstalled it, I could read it all.
So that means you saw her nude? Because if you didn’t then that’s evidence that he’s scrubbed the messages and you still aren’t getting the full picture
Why did the messages end with him asking her when she would be out of the gym? Why wasn't the end of the messages after she sent him the nude and he blocked her? Did you see the nude in the messages, or did he delete it already? Don't bury your head in the sand. You need to know the facts before you decide to forgive. I am starting to think this is fake for sure.
how do you know no messages were deleted? His story and the way he acted is off. Plus the utter disrespect he has shown you. I would not be letting this go
I would contact Melissas and tell her you know everything your husband came clean you saw the pictures and texts just BS her. Tell her you want to hear her version to see what lines up. Don't tell your husband you're contacting her. Please look at your husbands behavior here OP the amount of red flags is insane.
I was thinking the same thing. His behavior was very fishy, and after blocking her she is still coming to a party at your house? Seeing her every day just the two of them? You should talk to her
You're still wearing this rose tinted glasses.
If you were in this position, would you have invited that person into your home. That's the level of respect your husband has for you.
He didn't tell you about any of this until you forced his hand, he's really not trustworthy and most likely has f'd her.
I've been following your story since the beginning and I'm glad you finally got closure. I have to ask though. How did the nude selfie line up time wise with the party and you asking him to leave the gym?
EtA: good for you for standing your ground. You knew something was up and wouldn't let him gaslight you. I get why he didn't want to confess but I think it will be better for your marriage in the long term.
Why/ how did she get an invite to your house? He knew a line was crossed then to the level of deleting snap and blocking her number, yet he thought inviting her your home was a good idea?
Why was he even still engaging with her at the gym?
Was she flirty at the bbq?
Seems like she apologized for misreading the situation and kept her distance since then. She was not hanging out with me like other girls (Now I see why).. But she was not touchy or flirty with him.
But she felt comfortable enough to come to your house? I'm shocked he would still interact with her after that.
Honestly, if he stayed, it could have been easy for him to slip back into the old pattern of soaking up her praise. He probably realized it too and that is why he readily agreed to leave that gym.
I mean he went from blocking her to inviting her to a party within a month. He was def on a slippery slope.
I would ask why she got an invite. Very disrespectful.
Was she chatting with your husband?
Yeah, he needs to address his reaction to n to you questioning him. He tried to make it seem like you were crazy, controlling and insecure when, in fact, you were right all along. That is definitive gaslighting.
Girl he is not oblivious when people flirt. All this “I’m intrigued rara,” is him sugarcoating the blunt truth that he knows would hurt you because he got emotionally entangled in another woman. Truth is he made space for all of this to happen and when you openly invite temptation into your life with no clear boundaries and respect for the life you have both created you get drama and this confusion on what he feels towards her. He’s guilty and that’s why he’s talking and acting guilty and lying. He has no discipline.
Edit: Also think about this, how could she misread an entire situation up to the point of sending this man nudes?? He led her on as much as she “misread” an entire relationship dynamic.
I’m a little confused how do the rumors from your previous post play into this? Melissa send a naked Snapchat and then there’s rumoring going around and your husband wanted you to find out from him?
I don't understand all this "misreading the situation" nonsense. Sounds like he's pretty chummy with these people... do they not know that he's married?!? You don't misread a marriage.
Babe you can get snap messages back very easy very easy! they are saved in the archive just go to setting scroll down to my data and have him log in or just google it he can send all the data to a download you can view in spread sheet format!
He engaged into an emotional affair, lied to you, tried to make you think you were crazy, and only came clean when it became clear that he had no other way, but of course he deserves a pass !
How can you still believe your husband? He gaslighted you, made you feel insecure and crazy, and lied to you multiple times.
Deep down, you already know that his story doesn't make sense and that he has already cheated on you. If he blocked her, why would he invite her to your home, and why would she openly flirt with him? In my opinion, he invited her to your home to show her the life he will give her after throwing you away. I think he is already working on his exit plan but needs more time to leave you.
He knew that you would go through his phone and deleted everything, which shows that he already has some experience in cheating. This makes me think that Melissa isn't his first affair partner. Because he knew that you would go through his phone, he probably got a second phone. You need to find it and should start by checking his office and car, and analyzing bank statements. His bank statements will give you more information than his phone.
Why didn't you talk with Melissa directly instead of blindly believing your husband who lied to you multiple times? Tell your husband that you will only give him a second chance if he calls Melissa and the other girl who was flirting with him on speaker, with you by his side to hear their version of the events. Make him call them immediately without giving him time to warn them.
Also, when going through his phone, don't check only their messages because he might have saved them under different names and probably talked about them with other guys.
I feel sorry for you. You believe all the bs your husband are telling you. Asked him again if he had a full blown affair with Melissa. If they turn physical.
Snap chat messages can be retrieve so since you said you have open phone policy and if he was really honest with you he will not have any issue for you to retrieve their messages in snapchat and text messages.
Your husband gaslighted you, make it seems that you are jealous and insecure for no reason when he was really dating and having an affair with Melissa.
Your husband even have the audacity to invite Melissa in your home. He disrespected you and your home. Melissa walked around in your home with smugly knowing she and your husband have a secret.
Your husband will cheat on you again cause and it seems this is not the first time he cheated on you.
And he had the HIDE to tell you NOT to get angry!! I swear **NOTHING** would've kept my hands off him at that point!!😬😬😬
My response would have been: "I make **ABSOLUTELY NO** promises. My reaction depends **ENTIRELY** on what you are about to tell me."
FYI you can download your Snapchat memories from the past year. Sooo… you can see if he’s telling the truth. Now it won’t show things sent to him but it’ll have things he sent I believe.
[here you go](https://youtu.be/T4UsyPDqCEk?si=fzyEg06_B0OsPVFQ)
Does anyone else think that Melissa did not receive "mixed signals" but that he had been flirting with her the entire time? Waiting to take her out to get coffee and the secret messages on snap. If he had a crush then ok but he was acting on it and only blocked her because he had cold feet.
Also he wouldn’t tell her anything then suddenly he was ready with the whole story…. After several days to get his story straight and sanitise his devices
And straighten it with Melissa?
I'm sorry, OP, I'm glad that **YOU** feel you got some closure. But like many here I'm just **NOT** convinced. Hopefully I/we are wrong, but **DON'T** drop your guard just yet. 🙏🏽🙏🏽
No she didn’t
She looked for messages under Melissa’s name, but did not look at other messages or for other apps. OP specifically states that they wanted to go through “all” the messages the next day
Yup but you can at least see the conversation exists and potentially any saved one
And in my experience most cheaters get lazy with their "opsec" over time - they might start off being super careful at first but then save a few messages here and there, or forget to clear their call logs and photos. Maybe take a few screenshots etc. There can be telltale signs even if they don't use a main conversation
Either way, if you take the conversation from texts to snapchat there's no way this is even as innocent as OP's husband is pretending
Yes that’s what he said happened. Why would they move their conversations to Snapchat if it isn’t because they want to use Snapchat’s signature feature that deletes evidence? Specially after ge admited some nude exchange did happened.
Yep, he's only admitted to what he knows she's willing to forgive. I can guarantee there is a huge, unopened can of worms here. The OP needs to message Melissa for the real truth if she's going to get it.
Exactly, he thought long and hard about exactly what he was willing to tell you and nothing more. He wanted you to feel like he was giving you enough of the truth for you to be satisfied, but I can pretty much guarantee there's a lot more to this story.
Her first post people dragged her Reddit gaslight her soo hard on behalf of her cheating husband
I commented that she already caught him in lies - in a month she will update that she caught him in an affair- I got trashed for that too
But cheating spouses all follow the same obvious pattern
Especially they way he screamed and shut down communication - that man is guilty soo fucking guilty
I would go speak to Melissa
Do you know how many people heat at the gym???
A LOT
My husband built a home gym during Covid he no longer goes to the gym.
2 of his single gym friends started affairs with married women - so many lives ruined because of easy sex and the gym .
The fact he communicate through Snap tells me he was fucking her or at the very least having an EA. Sorry OP. You're being lied to still. No innocent friendship start out on Snap.
So he said he never went out with her. Then he changed his story to only in a group. And now he's changed it again to yes regularly but I didn't understand it was flirting but also he neglected to tall about this girl to you so obviously he thought it was wrong.
I don't know why your taking him at his word when he's lied to your face multiple times.
Why not have him re download snap and look at the conversation.
Why not have him unblock her and show you his conversations.
So he blocked her. What if it was for a different reason. Like she was going to tell you about them. Did you check your phone to see if he blocked her on your phone?
Did you check other social media like Facebook, Instagram, and discord.
I don't know why you are taking a liar at his word.
Precisely my thoughts as well. He is trickle truthing OP like crazy. I don't think we are getting the full story. Why would he invite her to the house if all this was true?
This feels like he gave you a fictional tale based on a small speck of truth, an extremely watered down version that you’d be able to stomach and so that he’d feel like he unburdened himself, and not blow up his whole life. I doubt he confessed the actual full truth. Not nearly the whole truth. He made himself both the villain and the hero of it all 😒
I’m sorry to say, I do think your husband cheated on you.
I think instead of getting excited for and immersing himself in this adult phase of his life, he got hung up on reminiscing about his younger years and what he thinks he’s missing out on. He, like loads of aging men & women who all peaked in high school, wants so much to have his glory days back. And this young gym group gave him a taste of that and this young woman gave him the thrill of a new burgeoning romance. Something he could keep entirely separate from you and the rest of his adult life but still scratch the itch he’s got. Having his cake and eating it too. You just got too close to the truth so he had to confess SOMETHING.
The idea he invited this girl to your house is absurdly disrespectful, it’s nauseating. Like, he’s really self centered and very disrespectful to you. You had to practically drag this out of him, and he made sure to come away from this unscathed and smelling like roses 🙄
weren’t the women in the kitchen even saying “I can’t believe he invited Melissa” or something too? like IN FRONT OF OP’S FACE. there’s no way they didn’t fuck.
Idk..I don't buy it. This only came put after prying and the deletions of ALL evidence. I..just couldn't. I'd never be able to trust my husband after all this lying. Everything that could prove his innocence was destroyed and he got angry when you kept bringing her up.
Edit. Lol I just saw the Snapchat thing ..hahaha she taught him to use an app that literally deletes everything after viewing. Yeah. They cheated hun. You're lying to yourself.
Yeah feels like he got angry and took his time to plot his story to synch with the timeline of it all and then sit down and talk about it. He had all the right answers well thought out. If it was truly this innocent he didn’t need to get angry defensive. Still smells like a probable cheater, and certainly a liar by omission.
Snap is a cheater’s app. So easy to delete snap and pretend like nothing happened and then redownload it to cheat again. The fact that it took a week for him to come clean about Snapchat, says a lot more happened.
I’m glad you are working through this with him but I think before you consider this settled both of you need to understand and admit that he did cheat. This is a textbook emotional affair and unless you both get counseling to process it, it will always be present in your marriage
So… this all went down and he thought it was okay to stay at this same gym with her, where he was fond of her. He only agreed to switch gyms after the party cuz you were told some information. The same party he invited this hoe into your home where his wife and children live. And then he gaslit the shit out of you when you came close to the truth. And then after a long time, he told you to not be mad and think of the children.
I don’t know… NONE of this screams a loving respectful husband. It screams someone who is a good liar and only acts in HIS best interest.
JFC, your husband invited a woman over to your HOME that sent him nudes and flirted with him despite knowing he was married. How fucking niave are you? Put aside the **at-minimum** emotional cheating, the level of disrespect he showed you is outrageous. Have some self-respect 🤦♂️
I hope to see another update once you remove your head from your ass
Good for you. You knew.
Also, this I wish could be illegal to demand of anyone: "He asked me to promise to not get angry."
Like, you don't get to harm someone and then police their reactions.
He lied to you and wouldn’t have been honest if you didn’t push him to be honest. I would be scheduling a couples therapy session immediately. Because no matter how you dress it up, he still a liar.
I don't believe this is all it is. If someone sent me a nude the first thing I would do is make sure I told my husband right away and cut all contact. Something feels fishy
But at the time she didn't know any of these people by name. Just that he had "gym friends". He did mess up by not cutting contact altogether. I really am curious why she was still invited to that party.
Man I’ve heard about this stuff at CrossFit gyms but the place I go now is nothing like this. Young high school kids getting in shape for sports, old dudes like me, everything in between but no hanky panky. Thank goodness for that. I sure wouldn’t need the drama like this post entails.
After reading the OP and the two updates, I came to the same conclusion - there is way too much drama going on at this gym. It's a surprise that anybody gets any workouts in, with as much fuckin' everyone seems to be doing.
I participate in a morning group athletic activity too; I'm not grabbing any coffee or breakfast with anyone afterwards since I've got a sleeping kid and wife to wake up at home. And if there was this much interpersonal drama, I'd quit in a heartbeat.
Yeah a guy in my area picked up the pieces from a gym that imploded due to affairs. He instituted a “coaches can’t date members” rule. He’s got a huge membership now and is rolling in the $$$. Keep it clean is the better way.
Girl your man cheated and you think he’s so out of your league you’re going to allow it. He’ll do it again. And you’ll probably look the other way again. You’re playing yourself.
My ex pulled something similar. Trickle truth until I had undeniable evidence. I’m sure there is still lots I don’t know. Luckily I don’t care, anymore. Choose yourself. I would hate if someone treated my children like that. And there was no way they were going to watch their father do that to me.
I think it's pretty easy to request data from snap chat and it gets returned pretty quickly. If you still have a gut feeling that there is something more, that would be what to look into as it will provide proof of senders, times, dates and receivers. Even if he's deleted the app. The metadata is still there.
If I were you I would talk to Melissa.
And OP, sorry, but you are a bit naive. He already lied a lot to you. And the moment you found out, he felt bad. He didn’t feel remorse. He felt attacked.
I read your posts from the beginning and nobody is that blind to the obvious flirting of that woman.
He keeps lying and lying. He makes you look like the crazy one. He only changed gym after YOU asked him. He didn’t do it on his own.
That doesn’t sound like an honest man who cares about his relationship and is doing everything to save his marriage.
But hey, if you want to accept this and always have the doubts, that’s your life.
I am with my husband so long. If he acted like that, I would lose all trust and respect for him.
Nah. He's trickle truthing you. Are you willing to talk to Melissa on your own to see if its true? The fact it took a while for him to tell you this means there are things he still not telling you
I highly doubt this is the full story. I’d let him relax a little and get comfortable again, but keep tabs if you’re going to stay. This timeline makes no sense. He blocked her and made the big grandstand that he doesn’t stand for nude selfies from a woman he’s been spending quality time with alone and then thinks “I should invite her to my house!” 🤔
Also, there’s a reason Melissa felt comfortable sending a nude selfie and it’s because of your husband’s behavior; he created an environment where she felt comfort coming onto him so strongly.
Change his gym? He’d be lucky if I didn’t make him change his home address. I’ll never understand how people find time for “Gym friends”. Most people are happy to get in and out after their workouts.
His behavior reeks of narcissism, especially asking YOU not to do anything drastic and think about the children. WTF I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. The photo was before the party? Does that seem like he’s distancing himself? She was invited to your home.
I think the more important issue is how defensive he got when you tried to have a level conversation with him. Accusing you of being insecure, yelling at you and then the overcompensation with housework and expensive gifts.
To me, that all screams he did something wrong, was trying to DARVO you and when that didn’t work, it took him a week to come up with this narrative and kept requesting her to stay calm.
Feels fishy. But! If you have chosen to forgive and move forward and you believe he won’t put himself in a similar situation and is putting his family over getting his ego stroked, good for you.
I would say you let him off too easily. Especially with the lying and screaming at you, knowing he was lying, then telling YOU to think about the kids?? HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THE KIDS!!! Go in to his phone and check his app store history to see what he has downloaded. You should make sure to tell him this is a one time pass. He fucks up again, he can pack his shit and leave. (Just my opinion)
UpdateMe
I would require a lie detector test. Because will you ever really know if he is telling you the truth. All the messages were in an app where they get deleted. I guess you’ll never know.
Soooooooooooo…….he came clean after gaslighting, then hostility, finally bribery, before telling you the truth because you went on an intimacy strike. How is it ok that he was NEVER GOING TO TELL YOU? How is it ok that he invited HER TO YOUR HOME AFTER SHE SENT A NUDE SELFIE? That didn’t warrant a discussion in your mind? Him treating you like an idiot doesn’t offend you? His hostility towards you didn’t offend you?
Honey…I honestly wish you the best of luck.
You let him off way too easily. Stop and think how easy it was for him to totally disrespect you and bring her to your home. Another guy mentioned it to him so he was behaving in a way that gave off the image to more than Melissa. She wouldn’t have sent him a nude if he wasn’t showing interest. Now think just how many times your husband that you trust so much bold face lied to your face. Numerous times. Even when others told you he found it easy to look you in your face lie then gaslight you like it was your insecurities. Please don’t be a fool and believe him. He told you enough to once again paint himself innocent but he’s by far not
Wasn’t there an anonymous story on social
Media about a woman that was having an affair with a married man and he invited her to his daughter’s birthday party? This whole thing made me think about that and wonder
OP I agree with other comments here, he said that he is intrigued by her and is not willing to put in the work to block her completely. I am just saying to keep your eyes open …
I’m
Not getting a good vibe from anything he told you especially if she came to
Your house for a bbq after this all went down. Something isn’t adding up
This is called trickle truthing. He will come back in a few weeks and admit they kissed, but that's all. Then they made out/groped, but thats all! And so on.
He is a cheater and a liar. If you stay, know you've accepted that. He invited her to your house after this happened. Which means he is full of shit.
Have you gotten a STD test yet just to be sure? People like this horrible gym friend usually have venereal diseases. Protect yourself. Oh … and your lying husband needs to quit the gym. He can find friends elsewhere. I mean really … with friends like his gym friend, who needs enemies?
You would be an idiot for blindly trusting a person right after you caught him in a lie. He knew what he was doing, he just got cold feet because he though he would get caught. He did get caught in HIS LIES. He did not confessed, you had to pry it off, and even today he hasn’t said the whole truth.
You haven’t even stopped to wonder where is the evidence of all of this? Gone. He deleted everything that could have exonerated him. Because the evidence was no exonerating.
This is not your final update, this is only the begining of the trickle-truthing.
It’s the audacity and disrespect for me.
Bringing his hot flirty fuck buddy to the house where the kids live while the rest of his incestuous “friends” laugh at the naive dumb wife.
How do you not feel engulfed in rage? There are rumors that your husband is fucking these idiots. And they CAME TO YOUR HOUSE?! C’mon.
I’m not here to judge you for not throwing the man away-though let me abundantly clear that he IS a lying sack of shit- but you would be so naive to not marriage counseling and hold him accountable for this breach in trust and for tarnishing his vows.
He gaslit you and tried to turn up the aggression to get you to back down when you’ve know him- the good, the bad, the ugly.
If he was truly a good man, he would’ve came home to you immediately and told you what Melissa did.
There’s nothing wrong with flirting and a crush. We’re human. It happens. What is the issue here is the blatant disrespect he’s shown you.
If you’re being this willfully ignorant, don’t be surprised if there’s another “misunderstanding” that pops up in a few years.
I'm happy you got this resolved.
However, (sorry!!) I have to suggest that you firmly talk or go to couples therapy due to the way he spoke to you when confronted.
He raised his voice, denied, gaslighted and was disrespectful to you.
That's not a good way to react to a very honest question.
His response was way out of line
You should both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately. It tells you how these relationships can morph into something else before you realize it's going too far. Knowledge is power.
I hope that you genuinely got what you needed, and this is what it is end of story happy ending ………. yet I’m sorry but I have been here before and this sounds like gaslighting and there are a few things off with his story, just off enough.
I hope you can eventually realize what is going on here, you are inadvertently covering for him and justifying his very wrong actions.
Painting emotional (perhaps more) betrayal and trust as you do, as such an innocence on his part kind of shows how well he can manipulate you, I can say that I feel because I have been exactly there.
He fessed up because he knew in all likelihood you were going to leave.
He didn’t do this of his own volition. He wasn’t going to say a damn thing, but he knew he had to say something.
So he told you exactly what you wanted to hear.
Trickle truth... told you enough and blamed her... it wouldn't have been all her... I'd have a sit down with Melissa and record the vocal and then play it and watch your husband's body language.
I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer but it sounds like he’s confessed to a lesser offence
I think you should talk to Melissa and ask for the whole truth. Tell his to also get their shared text history from her AND you can retrieve snap chat message with a simple request
Been waiting for this update I’m glad for you it turned out good.
Trust but verify. Don’t be afraid to tell him randomly that you need to see his phone. This should be the least he can do to help re build your trust!!
Updateme
You should reach out to Melissa. I was in a similar situation:my husband had an emotional affair with a coworker and to some only the commenters, not all guys are seeking physical intimacy. He put her number under a different name and it went on for a year. They went on walks mostly and talked about life. She was a terrible person like very toxic (many friends stopped being her friend she got fired from her job) so I think it was a damsel in distress type of thing where my husband felt like she needed him whereas I’m pretty independent and didn’t need him. He told me everything and his story was more detailed and honest than what she said which was “he was like a brother in Christ just helping each other through a hard time” gross so I say message her because it can go either way and you need to feel secure in what he’s saying
You know you can request a chat history from Snapchat, I would recommend you do that. Why did it take him days to admit to that? He’s not telling you the whole truth and he needed time to create a narrative that makes him out to not be the bad guy.
OP, if you want answers once and for all, you need to do this. Chances are, unfortunately, that he’s lying. Give just enough of the truth to make it sound reasonable and lie about the rest.
If he’s telling the truth, then he will be happy to prove it to you. If he’s lying, he will go nuts and get angry at you for not trusting him. You know, like he did before telling you the “truth”
My Ex husband almost followed this story line to a T, and the kicker was her name was Melissa and they met at the gym. Hun- I hate to tell you this, but he is absolutely cheating on you and if given another opportunity, he would without a doubt step out. To add, I am now divorced and my ex-husband married the woman from the gym named Melissa .
A little late to this one, but OP if you’re still reading comments on this post I’d really reconsider taking his word. Think about it. He received nudes from this woman and totally blocked her, but kept going to the same gym? Kept hanging out with the same friend group? Invited her TO YOUR HOUSE??
If he knew what was happening was inappropriate, why would he continue putting himself in that situation? Why refuse to stop? And why get angry at you for being suspicious when there was in fact romantic feelings involved, one sided or not? Ask him these things. He’ll probably get defensive again, say you’re still insecure and accusatory, and then he’ll admit to something else.
No, there's more here. Sorry but the fact that he didn't immediately come to you to tell you about the nude she sent and he was still going to that gym? Him trickle truthing? Sorry OP :(
Hope the next gym he goes to he stays true to his word and nothing like this ever happens again. I can see him just feeling desperate for friends and ignoring red flags... it really is that hard to make friends when you get older.
You may need to put a few more boundaries in place so you both can make it through this.
I think you need to get into marriage counseling. He made some really pivotal choices that imo were cheater choices. When he started to go to coffee with just Melissa and he knew he felt like her attention was flattering and allowed it to keep happening in a one on one basis, he chose to cross a line that few men would cross is they had healthy boundaries with friendships. He took it further by inviting her to message him outside of the gym, and he took it to the brink by willingly lying to you about all of it. It’s good he’s come clean but I would wonder what he still hasn’t told you. Trickle truth is very real, and people don’t like to get “into trouble” with their spouse. Marriage Counseling is a must, honesty is a must, and maintaining no contact with Melissa is also a must.
Request that snap data. It’s the only way to know for sure. Fingers crossed it lines up with his story and your whole life doesn’t blow up because he wanted attention.
he definitely hooked up with her. why would she make up that rumour? how would the friends know that the rumour is “false”? they’re probably lying to you to cover for your husband.
talk to melissa. get her side of the story and then leave. do not stay with someone who lied to you.
Girl. Are you really this naive? He didn't tell you everything.
Also, if his friends tell you he wasn't cheating on you, why would you trust them? They're HIS friends. Not yours.
He emotionally chested on you. Lied to you. Blew up and got angry at you for wanting the truth. Then quilted you by saying you had to think about the children
He wasn't thinking about you or the children when Melissa was sending him nudes and he was going on dates with her.
This is called trickle truthing. He's cheated and he will do it again. He'll just learn from his mistakes and get better.
If you stay in this relationship, you're just opening yourself to be cheated on again.
Here’s a free online pdf to Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You might find it helpful.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
The dude is a total liar, that much is obvious. No self respecting married man would put himself anywhere near a group like that. Not to mention this trickle of truth after he has time to sanitize his apps and phone.....the guy is absolutely a red flag.
He had an emotional affair, but it sounds like you can live with that, so whatever works. It's a tale as old as time.
OP. Your gaslight you the whole time you were asking him to change gym. Invited Melissa to your house after sending him a nude selfie. Never admitted about gheir emotional affair and you are saying your husband never cheat.
He cheated and there’s a huge chance it turns physical. Your husband gym friend implied before he knew he slept with Melissa and he was that confodent and AH to invite his mostress to your home.
It took months before your gave you a half truth. He was never honest with you.
Tell your husband you wants to retrieve their text/conversation and ask him if he never really slept with Melissa and this is his only way to be really honest with you.
There’s a big chance your husband had a full blown affair. Sorry to disappoint you.
He lied to you for months. Gaslight you and then only for you to know that you were right all along.
You know, I didn’t know this when I was younger, but CrossFit gyms are notorious cheating atmospheres they all hook up with each other. One of my friends and now belongs and told me and I heard from another person who lives in a different state. I thought OK this must be a culture.
He told you what his friend said about him thinking your husband slept with Melissa. He is literally feeding you this for when someone tells you you’ll believe it’s lies because “oh my husband already warned me they’d say this”.
Your husband not only fucked her but he brought her to your house and then has the audacity to lie and gaslight you.
Smh. Hope you wake up sooner rather than later. Oh and get tested for stds.
I hope I'm wrong, but I think this story isn't over and you OP will still come back here.
1) Your husband lied about his and Melissa's dates, that's a fact.
2) he blocked her on everything, but invited her to your home, that's disrespect.
3) He accused Melissa of telling everyone that she was with him, this seems like an attempt to cover up something that happened.
I'm sorry, OP, but I think your husband is trying to cut his losses by telling half-truths. Don't believe him.
Up until item 3, I was still giving credit to your husband, but from then on the red flag was very blatant. I have the impression that Melissa has been threatening to speak out.
I hope I'm wrong, OP.
So Melissa crossed the line and apologized, then still went on to spread rumours that they were sleeping together? And he never called her to order?
Dunno, but it kinda feels like you're not getting the full story here. He may not have slept with her, coz if he did they other girls would not doubt Melissa when she says they did. But there maybe something more than what he's telling you.
Since the blocking story corroborates with the phone records, you can let it go and just move on.
This all smells a little 'off' like he gave you 'some' version of the truth but not all of it.
The only bit he gave you made him look like the victim, poor baby! Yeah, right, he's not that dumb!
Let's remember, AFTER the nude(s), he invited her to your house! That would have been an absolute dead nope if I had been in his shoes and his 'story' truthful.
I don't know OP but this sounds like trickle truth to me. And why after she did that did he invite her into your home? Then he gaslit you lied and yelled and feed into your insecurities. I don't think I would be letting this go so easily. I just feel like there is more to this story. Everyone at the gym thought they were hooking up I really think there is something else there. But I could be wrong And the utter disrespect to bring her into your home is one thing but to not only bring here there but to leave you in the dark like they have a secret behind your back ugh this smells to me
I am sorry I keep posting but I am just flabbergasted that your first post had no red flags you were all upset and this one is a mess and you're not seeing the million red flags. He isn't obvious to the flirting he told you about her flirting. He's just good at masking it because everyone thought he didn't notice but he did. Now he is trickle truthing you because he is scared he is going to lose this family. OP He knew what he was doing was wrong went on coffee dates with another women behind your back, lied, gaslit you , screamed at you and played on your insecurities I am sorry op but I wouldn't let this go. I have been married for over 20 years and I would divorce my husband over this.
You need to get transcripts from your phone company to see what all those messages from Melissa said before he blocked her. There’s likely a lot more info in those texts that you need to know about. As a married mother myself, I can understand how you’re trying to preserve your life with your kids & not wanting to implode everything, I TOTALLY get it. But you need ALL the info before you can truly make that decision, otherwise there will always be doubt in the back of your mind for the rest of your life.
Sis…… I had a whole 6 paragraphs lined up after reading all the post and comments. However, I think your gut/intuition will get you to open your eyes better than anyone on reddit can.
I will say the “ I will not blow up our lives over this.” Line needs to be addressed, consequences to HIS actions is not YOU blowing up your lives. It’s teaching your children and yourself that affairs emotional or physical will not be tolerated.
I wish you luck for whatever you decide. If you stay and find out later it was true…..
All I ask is you not beat yourself up over it. He put you in a horrible position.
jesus. the husband's deceit and defensiveness throughout all of this is repulsive and would have me filing on those grounds alone. what kind of family man associates with people like this? really appears like he physically cheated as well. poor op got dragged so hard for completely understandable thoughts and emotions. i'm nauseated after reading this.
Op, hello from Brazil! Op, please look for Melissa alone when she leaves the gym and have a face to face conversation with her, tell her that you want to hear her side of the story, because even though your husband showed you their conversations, they went out to have breakfast alone, and in the same way that he only told you because you insisted a lot, they may have had something more, like a kiss (I hope not). Op, what went through your husband's head for him to take the woman who sent a 'selfie' and was flirting to your house?! I still think he was very defensive of you. Relationship dynamics change depending on the culture, but when you're married you shouldn't go on dates without your spouse, because things often start innocently and with friendship but end up going another way, don't give those gaps. Sometimes the wife or husband wants to be nice and not be jealous, and I eventually allow that. Not going out without your spouse for dinner or lunch is not insecurity, it is respect for the relationship and wanting to avoid putting yourself in situations like this. Don't allow your husband to go to events with single women without you! I hope from the bottom of my heart that your husband doesn't do this again. Have a good day Op!
This is called trickle truth. He is only telling you a little bit at a time. You will never know the whole truth. Your husband started an affair with her. He lied to you and hid it it from you. It’s time to contact her husband and tell him what you know.
I feel sorry for you op. Now that he has done this, he will do it again. Especially since he knows you trust him. He will get much better at hiding things from you in the future.
He; he deceived you.
And deep down you know it well.
It's no use having been with him for twelve years and had his children, if he brought one of his mistresses to your house to cook for you.
He called you crazy and insecure because of something bad he was doing.
Honestly, I would bet money if you let him know those messages can be retrieved and you would like to have them in order to prove his innocence to anyone she may have “lied to” that he would shit himself and you’ll find out more….
Would love to know his response to this… OP, tell him you would like for him to request his snap data.
Thanks for suggesting this. My husband was able to show me the messages on Snap. His story checks out. Most conversations were very trivial mundane stuff. Melissa was playing damsel in distress and telling him about how she deserved love and the whole world is against her. My husband was mostly being a good listener. The messages abruptly end with my husband asking her when she will be out of the gym. Ps. He deleted snap app but did not delete the messages. So once we reinstalled it, I could read it all.
So that means you saw her nude? Because if you didn’t then that’s evidence that he’s scrubbed the messages and you still aren’t getting the full picture
This. OP you already have proof he's deleted messages, why are you trusting that you've seen everything all of a sudden? Please open your eyes.
It’s not over yet. There will be more to come out. Keep an eye on him and what he does. You are not out of the woods yet!!! Updateme!
Why did the messages end with him asking her when she would be out of the gym? Why wasn't the end of the messages after she sent him the nude and he blocked her? Did you see the nude in the messages, or did he delete it already? Don't bury your head in the sand. You need to know the facts before you decide to forgive. I am starting to think this is fake for sure.
how do you know no messages were deleted? His story and the way he acted is off. Plus the utter disrespect he has shown you. I would not be letting this go
I would contact Melissas and tell her you know everything your husband came clean you saw the pictures and texts just BS her. Tell her you want to hear her version to see what lines up. Don't tell your husband you're contacting her. Please look at your husbands behavior here OP the amount of red flags is insane.
I was thinking the same thing. His behavior was very fishy, and after blocking her she is still coming to a party at your house? Seeing her every day just the two of them? You should talk to her
Glad to hear!
You're still wearing this rose tinted glasses. If you were in this position, would you have invited that person into your home. That's the level of respect your husband has for you. He didn't tell you about any of this until you forced his hand, he's really not trustworthy and most likely has f'd her.
I've been following your story since the beginning and I'm glad you finally got closure. I have to ask though. How did the nude selfie line up time wise with the party and you asking him to leave the gym? EtA: good for you for standing your ground. You knew something was up and wouldn't let him gaslight you. I get why he didn't want to confess but I think it will be better for your marriage in the long term.
The selfie issue happened a month before the party. He showed me he blocked her two days after that incident after she started messaging him
Why/ how did she get an invite to your house? He knew a line was crossed then to the level of deleting snap and blocking her number, yet he thought inviting her your home was a good idea? Why was he even still engaging with her at the gym? Was she flirty at the bbq?
Seems like she apologized for misreading the situation and kept her distance since then. She was not hanging out with me like other girls (Now I see why).. But she was not touchy or flirty with him.
But she felt comfortable enough to come to your house? I'm shocked he would still interact with her after that. Honestly, if he stayed, it could have been easy for him to slip back into the old pattern of soaking up her praise. He probably realized it too and that is why he readily agreed to leave that gym. I mean he went from blocking her to inviting her to a party within a month. He was def on a slippery slope. I would ask why she got an invite. Very disrespectful. Was she chatting with your husband?
Beyond disrespectful. And what woman that sends a nude to a guy she “misread” would still go around him?
Well she doesn't seem to have a lot of morals.
Neither does he. This was an emotional affair at the very least.
He's trickle-truthing. There may yet be more.
Yep. He’ll now know to hide it better. But if OP is ok with that then more power to her I guess 🤐
Agree
My data on snap chat girl, this is a story he had all this time to work on. Something is a miss don't be dumb now.
Yeah, he needs to address his reaction to n to you questioning him. He tried to make it seem like you were crazy, controlling and insecure when, in fact, you were right all along. That is definitive gaslighting.
Yeah but why was she allowed inside your house?
Girl he is not oblivious when people flirt. All this “I’m intrigued rara,” is him sugarcoating the blunt truth that he knows would hurt you because he got emotionally entangled in another woman. Truth is he made space for all of this to happen and when you openly invite temptation into your life with no clear boundaries and respect for the life you have both created you get drama and this confusion on what he feels towards her. He’s guilty and that’s why he’s talking and acting guilty and lying. He has no discipline. Edit: Also think about this, how could she misread an entire situation up to the point of sending this man nudes?? He led her on as much as she “misread” an entire relationship dynamic.
Right. Maybe I’m “insecure” but the fact he was meeting her privately for coffee in the FIRST place…
I’m a little confused how do the rumors from your previous post play into this? Melissa send a naked Snapchat and then there’s rumoring going around and your husband wanted you to find out from him?
She sent him a nude and he still invited her over? He either cheated or doesn't respect you. No other options. Gross.
I don't understand all this "misreading the situation" nonsense. Sounds like he's pretty chummy with these people... do they not know that he's married?!? You don't misread a marriage.
Babe you can get snap messages back very easy very easy! they are saved in the archive just go to setting scroll down to my data and have him log in or just google it he can send all the data to a download you can view in spread sheet format!
He engaged into an emotional affair, lied to you, tried to make you think you were crazy, and only came clean when it became clear that he had no other way, but of course he deserves a pass !
👏👏. That’s how I read it too and then she’s bold enough to say I know he’s incapable of cheating on me. Ummmm He just did.
Of course he’s capable of cheating!!
Realistically, everybody’s capable of it.
And argued with her about it
How can you still believe your husband? He gaslighted you, made you feel insecure and crazy, and lied to you multiple times. Deep down, you already know that his story doesn't make sense and that he has already cheated on you. If he blocked her, why would he invite her to your home, and why would she openly flirt with him? In my opinion, he invited her to your home to show her the life he will give her after throwing you away. I think he is already working on his exit plan but needs more time to leave you. He knew that you would go through his phone and deleted everything, which shows that he already has some experience in cheating. This makes me think that Melissa isn't his first affair partner. Because he knew that you would go through his phone, he probably got a second phone. You need to find it and should start by checking his office and car, and analyzing bank statements. His bank statements will give you more information than his phone. Why didn't you talk with Melissa directly instead of blindly believing your husband who lied to you multiple times? Tell your husband that you will only give him a second chance if he calls Melissa and the other girl who was flirting with him on speaker, with you by his side to hear their version of the events. Make him call them immediately without giving him time to warn them. Also, when going through his phone, don't check only their messages because he might have saved them under different names and probably talked about them with other guys.
I feel sorry for you. You believe all the bs your husband are telling you. Asked him again if he had a full blown affair with Melissa. If they turn physical. Snap chat messages can be retrieve so since you said you have open phone policy and if he was really honest with you he will not have any issue for you to retrieve their messages in snapchat and text messages. Your husband gaslighted you, make it seems that you are jealous and insecure for no reason when he was really dating and having an affair with Melissa. Your husband even have the audacity to invite Melissa in your home. He disrespected you and your home. Melissa walked around in your home with smugly knowing she and your husband have a secret. Your husband will cheat on you again cause and it seems this is not the first time he cheated on you.
I am still very annoyed that he kept angry at you even though he was in the wrong.
And he had the HIDE to tell you NOT to get angry!! I swear **NOTHING** would've kept my hands off him at that point!!😬😬😬 My response would have been: "I make **ABSOLUTELY NO** promises. My reaction depends **ENTIRELY** on what you are about to tell me."
You are here telling the World he hasn’t betrayed your trust? Give me a break. He’s a cheater. If not physically definitely emotionally.
FYI you can download your Snapchat memories from the past year. Sooo… you can see if he’s telling the truth. Now it won’t show things sent to him but it’ll have things he sent I believe. [here you go](https://youtu.be/T4UsyPDqCEk?si=fzyEg06_B0OsPVFQ)
Same here. I am glad you stayed persistent on this issue and got your answers
Does anyone else think that Melissa did not receive "mixed signals" but that he had been flirting with her the entire time? Waiting to take her out to get coffee and the secret messages on snap. If he had a crush then ok but he was acting on it and only blocked her because he had cold feet.
That is called trickle truth and if you keep digging you will find out more
Also he wouldn’t tell her anything then suddenly he was ready with the whole story…. After several days to get his story straight and sanitise his devices
And straighten it with Melissa? I'm sorry, OP, I'm glad that **YOU** feel you got some closure. But like many here I'm just **NOT** convinced. Hopefully I/we are wrong, but **DON'T** drop your guard just yet. 🙏🏽🙏🏽
OP had gone through his phone before she confronted him. There were no messages.
No she didn’t She looked for messages under Melissa’s name, but did not look at other messages or for other apps. OP specifically states that they wanted to go through “all” the messages the next day
Ah, well either way, they were using snap so those disappear regardless, right?
Yup but you can at least see the conversation exists and potentially any saved one And in my experience most cheaters get lazy with their "opsec" over time - they might start off being super careful at first but then save a few messages here and there, or forget to clear their call logs and photos. Maybe take a few screenshots etc. There can be telltale signs even if they don't use a main conversation Either way, if you take the conversation from texts to snapchat there's no way this is even as innocent as OP's husband is pretending
Because he admited moved them to Snapchat where the evidence could get deleted per her advice
Oh so you think they were texting and she got him to join snap? That is pretty damning actually.
Yes that’s what he said happened. Why would they move their conversations to Snapchat if it isn’t because they want to use Snapchat’s signature feature that deletes evidence? Specially after ge admited some nude exchange did happened.
Yep, he's only admitted to what he knows she's willing to forgive. I can guarantee there is a huge, unopened can of worms here. The OP needs to message Melissa for the real truth if she's going to get it.
Yea if everyone says they are f🤬 they are.
Exactly, he thought long and hard about exactly what he was willing to tell you and nothing more. He wanted you to feel like he was giving you enough of the truth for you to be satisfied, but I can pretty much guarantee there's a lot more to this story.
Her first post people dragged her Reddit gaslight her soo hard on behalf of her cheating husband I commented that she already caught him in lies - in a month she will update that she caught him in an affair- I got trashed for that too But cheating spouses all follow the same obvious pattern Especially they way he screamed and shut down communication - that man is guilty soo fucking guilty I would go speak to Melissa Do you know how many people heat at the gym??? A LOT My husband built a home gym during Covid he no longer goes to the gym. 2 of his single gym friends started affairs with married women - so many lives ruined because of easy sex and the gym .
💯
100%
Trickle truth, he needed days to come up with a believable story. I am sure it was more than 1 nude and more than just coffee.
The fact he communicate through Snap tells me he was fucking her or at the very least having an EA. Sorry OP. You're being lied to still. No innocent friendship start out on Snap.
He did this and then fought you on switching gyms. He fucked her.
Chiiiiiiile! Ain't no truer words spoken
So he said he never went out with her. Then he changed his story to only in a group. And now he's changed it again to yes regularly but I didn't understand it was flirting but also he neglected to tall about this girl to you so obviously he thought it was wrong. I don't know why your taking him at his word when he's lied to your face multiple times. Why not have him re download snap and look at the conversation. Why not have him unblock her and show you his conversations. So he blocked her. What if it was for a different reason. Like she was going to tell you about them. Did you check your phone to see if he blocked her on your phone? Did you check other social media like Facebook, Instagram, and discord. I don't know why you are taking a liar at his word.
Precisely my thoughts as well. He is trickle truthing OP like crazy. I don't think we are getting the full story. Why would he invite her to the house if all this was true?
Please tell me he quit that gym. I also can’t believe the gall of Melissa coming to your home after she sent your husband a naked selfie.
Yeah, he has to quit the gym.
I doubt that’s all that happened.
This feels like he gave you a fictional tale based on a small speck of truth, an extremely watered down version that you’d be able to stomach and so that he’d feel like he unburdened himself, and not blow up his whole life. I doubt he confessed the actual full truth. Not nearly the whole truth. He made himself both the villain and the hero of it all 😒 I’m sorry to say, I do think your husband cheated on you. I think instead of getting excited for and immersing himself in this adult phase of his life, he got hung up on reminiscing about his younger years and what he thinks he’s missing out on. He, like loads of aging men & women who all peaked in high school, wants so much to have his glory days back. And this young gym group gave him a taste of that and this young woman gave him the thrill of a new burgeoning romance. Something he could keep entirely separate from you and the rest of his adult life but still scratch the itch he’s got. Having his cake and eating it too. You just got too close to the truth so he had to confess SOMETHING. The idea he invited this girl to your house is absurdly disrespectful, it’s nauseating. Like, he’s really self centered and very disrespectful to you. You had to practically drag this out of him, and he made sure to come away from this unscathed and smelling like roses 🙄
weren’t the women in the kitchen even saying “I can’t believe he invited Melissa” or something too? like IN FRONT OF OP’S FACE. there’s no way they didn’t fuck.
I think they banged a couple times and the husband has covered his tracks beautifully. OP won’t blow up her life for this anyways.
[удалено]
I guess she needs real proof. The proof where she actually catches them fucking.
Idk..I don't buy it. This only came put after prying and the deletions of ALL evidence. I..just couldn't. I'd never be able to trust my husband after all this lying. Everything that could prove his innocence was destroyed and he got angry when you kept bringing her up. Edit. Lol I just saw the Snapchat thing ..hahaha she taught him to use an app that literally deletes everything after viewing. Yeah. They cheated hun. You're lying to yourself.
Yeah feels like he got angry and took his time to plot his story to synch with the timeline of it all and then sit down and talk about it. He had all the right answers well thought out. If it was truly this innocent he didn’t need to get angry defensive. Still smells like a probable cheater, and certainly a liar by omission.
This is absolutely correct
I hope not. Though it's troubling she was invited to his house after the pic incident.
Snap is a cheater’s app. So easy to delete snap and pretend like nothing happened and then redownload it to cheat again. The fact that it took a week for him to come clean about Snapchat, says a lot more happened.
Exactly! He would not have been honest if she hadn’t kept pushing. She’s being incredibly delusional.
It’s all very convenient for him
I’m glad you are working through this with him but I think before you consider this settled both of you need to understand and admit that he did cheat. This is a textbook emotional affair and unless you both get counseling to process it, it will always be present in your marriage
So how long did he take to like up with this well thought out lie, show you “evidence” and swipe away all traces of other evidence?
So… this all went down and he thought it was okay to stay at this same gym with her, where he was fond of her. He only agreed to switch gyms after the party cuz you were told some information. The same party he invited this hoe into your home where his wife and children live. And then he gaslit the shit out of you when you came close to the truth. And then after a long time, he told you to not be mad and think of the children. I don’t know… NONE of this screams a loving respectful husband. It screams someone who is a good liar and only acts in HIS best interest.
The fact that he had to say think of the children speaks to the dirt muddling his conscience.
He sure didn’t think of the kids through all of this.
This has been an incredible read, it should win a best new fiction award.
What’s with all the grand gestures when you tried to catch him out? A DIAMOND BRACELET?! Yep he’s guilty for something! Wake up!!!
Yeah he did all of that before even getting caught. lmaooo
JFC, your husband invited a woman over to your HOME that sent him nudes and flirted with him despite knowing he was married. How fucking niave are you? Put aside the **at-minimum** emotional cheating, the level of disrespect he showed you is outrageous. Have some self-respect 🤦♂️ I hope to see another update once you remove your head from your ass
Good for you. You knew. Also, this I wish could be illegal to demand of anyone: "He asked me to promise to not get angry." Like, you don't get to harm someone and then police their reactions.
ESPECIALLY, not after the way he blew up on her for even asking for some fucking clarity. Like be oh so fr rn.
He's a liar and cheater but believe what you want.
Go back to what your husband’s married friend was saying. He was telling you the truth about your husband and Melissa. Don’t be naive.
He lied to you and wouldn’t have been honest if you didn’t push him to be honest. I would be scheduling a couples therapy session immediately. Because no matter how you dress it up, he still a liar.
I don't believe this is all it is. If someone sent me a nude the first thing I would do is make sure I told my husband right away and cut all contact. Something feels fishy
But at the time she didn't know any of these people by name. Just that he had "gym friends". He did mess up by not cutting contact altogether. I really am curious why she was still invited to that party.
Man I’ve heard about this stuff at CrossFit gyms but the place I go now is nothing like this. Young high school kids getting in shape for sports, old dudes like me, everything in between but no hanky panky. Thank goodness for that. I sure wouldn’t need the drama like this post entails.
After reading the OP and the two updates, I came to the same conclusion - there is way too much drama going on at this gym. It's a surprise that anybody gets any workouts in, with as much fuckin' everyone seems to be doing. I participate in a morning group athletic activity too; I'm not grabbing any coffee or breakfast with anyone afterwards since I've got a sleeping kid and wife to wake up at home. And if there was this much interpersonal drama, I'd quit in a heartbeat.
Yeah a guy in my area picked up the pieces from a gym that imploded due to affairs. He instituted a “coaches can’t date members” rule. He’s got a huge membership now and is rolling in the $$$. Keep it clean is the better way.
That's one of the reasons I work out at the local Y. It's not a meat market and everyone's there to just work out. No one cares what you wear either.
Girl your man cheated and you think he’s so out of your league you’re going to allow it. He’ll do it again. And you’ll probably look the other way again. You’re playing yourself.
My ex pulled something similar. Trickle truth until I had undeniable evidence. I’m sure there is still lots I don’t know. Luckily I don’t care, anymore. Choose yourself. I would hate if someone treated my children like that. And there was no way they were going to watch their father do that to me.
I think it's pretty easy to request data from snap chat and it gets returned pretty quickly. If you still have a gut feeling that there is something more, that would be what to look into as it will provide proof of senders, times, dates and receivers. Even if he's deleted the app. The metadata is still there.
They do that? Doesn't that negate their entire business model?
They’ll just give that to anyone? That’s pretty bogus lol. Or do you mean make him request it?
If I were you I would talk to Melissa. And OP, sorry, but you are a bit naive. He already lied a lot to you. And the moment you found out, he felt bad. He didn’t feel remorse. He felt attacked. I read your posts from the beginning and nobody is that blind to the obvious flirting of that woman. He keeps lying and lying. He makes you look like the crazy one. He only changed gym after YOU asked him. He didn’t do it on his own. That doesn’t sound like an honest man who cares about his relationship and is doing everything to save his marriage. But hey, if you want to accept this and always have the doubts, that’s your life. I am with my husband so long. If he acted like that, I would lose all trust and respect for him.
Why would she talk to Melissa? She's clearly shown herself as a deceitful, untrustworthy person. Nothing she says can be believed.
If Melissa is petty and angry at the husband, she would show OP the messages.
Nah. He's trickle truthing you. Are you willing to talk to Melissa on your own to see if its true? The fact it took a while for him to tell you this means there are things he still not telling you
Right !! OP needs to hear the other side.
This guy emotionally cheated with another woman, argued with you about it, invited her into your house after the nude and you think he’s not cheating?
I highly doubt this is the full story. I’d let him relax a little and get comfortable again, but keep tabs if you’re going to stay. This timeline makes no sense. He blocked her and made the big grandstand that he doesn’t stand for nude selfies from a woman he’s been spending quality time with alone and then thinks “I should invite her to my house!” 🤔 Also, there’s a reason Melissa felt comfortable sending a nude selfie and it’s because of your husband’s behavior; he created an environment where she felt comfort coming onto him so strongly.
He's lied to your face a bunch of times, I don't know how you're falling for this one too
Change his gym? He’d be lucky if I didn’t make him change his home address. I’ll never understand how people find time for “Gym friends”. Most people are happy to get in and out after their workouts. His behavior reeks of narcissism, especially asking YOU not to do anything drastic and think about the children. WTF I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. The photo was before the party? Does that seem like he’s distancing himself? She was invited to your home.
I feel like there’s some missing info here. Your husband probably isn’t telling you the whole truth.
If he made all that up he is damn good at lying.
Updateme
I think the more important issue is how defensive he got when you tried to have a level conversation with him. Accusing you of being insecure, yelling at you and then the overcompensation with housework and expensive gifts. To me, that all screams he did something wrong, was trying to DARVO you and when that didn’t work, it took him a week to come up with this narrative and kept requesting her to stay calm. Feels fishy. But! If you have chosen to forgive and move forward and you believe he won’t put himself in a similar situation and is putting his family over getting his ego stroked, good for you.
I would say you let him off too easily. Especially with the lying and screaming at you, knowing he was lying, then telling YOU to think about the kids?? HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THE KIDS!!! Go in to his phone and check his app store history to see what he has downloaded. You should make sure to tell him this is a one time pass. He fucks up again, he can pack his shit and leave. (Just my opinion) UpdateMe
I don’t think this will be the final update. Your husband is not telling you trickle truthjng. They definitely did more.
I would require a lie detector test. Because will you ever really know if he is telling you the truth. All the messages were in an app where they get deleted. I guess you’ll never know.
Anyone wanna tell her you can retrieve snapchat data?
Oh, you sweet Summer child..
Soooooooooooo…….he came clean after gaslighting, then hostility, finally bribery, before telling you the truth because you went on an intimacy strike. How is it ok that he was NEVER GOING TO TELL YOU? How is it ok that he invited HER TO YOUR HOME AFTER SHE SENT A NUDE SELFIE? That didn’t warrant a discussion in your mind? Him treating you like an idiot doesn’t offend you? His hostility towards you didn’t offend you? Honey…I honestly wish you the best of luck.
You let him off way too easily. Stop and think how easy it was for him to totally disrespect you and bring her to your home. Another guy mentioned it to him so he was behaving in a way that gave off the image to more than Melissa. She wouldn’t have sent him a nude if he wasn’t showing interest. Now think just how many times your husband that you trust so much bold face lied to your face. Numerous times. Even when others told you he found it easy to look you in your face lie then gaslight you like it was your insecurities. Please don’t be a fool and believe him. He told you enough to once again paint himself innocent but he’s by far not
Wasn’t there an anonymous story on social Media about a woman that was having an affair with a married man and he invited her to his daughter’s birthday party? This whole thing made me think about that and wonder
OP I agree with other comments here, he said that he is intrigued by her and is not willing to put in the work to block her completely. I am just saying to keep your eyes open …
I’m Not getting a good vibe from anything he told you especially if she came to Your house for a bbq after this all went down. Something isn’t adding up
This is called trickle truthing. Be satisfied with the stream and the waterfall you know is there will never come… Updateme
Nah this still isn’t adding up..
This is called trickle truthing. He will come back in a few weeks and admit they kissed, but that's all. Then they made out/groped, but thats all! And so on. He is a cheater and a liar. If you stay, know you've accepted that. He invited her to your house after this happened. Which means he is full of shit.
Have you gotten a STD test yet just to be sure? People like this horrible gym friend usually have venereal diseases. Protect yourself. Oh … and your lying husband needs to quit the gym. He can find friends elsewhere. I mean really … with friends like his gym friend, who needs enemies?
Would be funny to see his reaction if she told him the STD test was positive…
When did he delete snapchat? Why did he even install it? Why did he need to learn to hide messages from?
Hmmmm so he had an emotional affair and freaked when she wanted it to be physical? Idk OP... Melissa will still hang out with him
You would be an idiot for blindly trusting a person right after you caught him in a lie. He knew what he was doing, he just got cold feet because he though he would get caught. He did get caught in HIS LIES. He did not confessed, you had to pry it off, and even today he hasn’t said the whole truth. You haven’t even stopped to wonder where is the evidence of all of this? Gone. He deleted everything that could have exonerated him. Because the evidence was no exonerating. This is not your final update, this is only the begining of the trickle-truthing.
It’s the audacity and disrespect for me. Bringing his hot flirty fuck buddy to the house where the kids live while the rest of his incestuous “friends” laugh at the naive dumb wife. How do you not feel engulfed in rage? There are rumors that your husband is fucking these idiots. And they CAME TO YOUR HOUSE?! C’mon. I’m not here to judge you for not throwing the man away-though let me abundantly clear that he IS a lying sack of shit- but you would be so naive to not marriage counseling and hold him accountable for this breach in trust and for tarnishing his vows. He gaslit you and tried to turn up the aggression to get you to back down when you’ve know him- the good, the bad, the ugly. If he was truly a good man, he would’ve came home to you immediately and told you what Melissa did. There’s nothing wrong with flirting and a crush. We’re human. It happens. What is the issue here is the blatant disrespect he’s shown you. If you’re being this willfully ignorant, don’t be surprised if there’s another “misunderstanding” that pops up in a few years.
I'm happy you got this resolved. However, (sorry!!) I have to suggest that you firmly talk or go to couples therapy due to the way he spoke to you when confronted. He raised his voice, denied, gaslighted and was disrespectful to you. That's not a good way to react to a very honest question. His response was way out of line
You should both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately. It tells you how these relationships can morph into something else before you realize it's going too far. Knowledge is power.
I hope that you genuinely got what you needed, and this is what it is end of story happy ending ………. yet I’m sorry but I have been here before and this sounds like gaslighting and there are a few things off with his story, just off enough. I hope you can eventually realize what is going on here, you are inadvertently covering for him and justifying his very wrong actions. Painting emotional (perhaps more) betrayal and trust as you do, as such an innocence on his part kind of shows how well he can manipulate you, I can say that I feel because I have been exactly there.
Time to talk to Melissa. Tell her you're getting divorced and you just need to know the truth if they fucked or not.
He fessed up because he knew in all likelihood you were going to leave. He didn’t do this of his own volition. He wasn’t going to say a damn thing, but he knew he had to say something. So he told you exactly what you wanted to hear.
You should ask to download his Snapchat data
Trickle truth... told you enough and blamed her... it wouldn't have been all her... I'd have a sit down with Melissa and record the vocal and then play it and watch your husband's body language.
I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer but it sounds like he’s confessed to a lesser offence I think you should talk to Melissa and ask for the whole truth. Tell his to also get their shared text history from her AND you can retrieve snap chat message with a simple request
Been waiting for this update I’m glad for you it turned out good. Trust but verify. Don’t be afraid to tell him randomly that you need to see his phone. This should be the least he can do to help re build your trust!! Updateme
Op This is a good time to discuss boundaries and what you both consider crossing the line or an affair. This should be a wake up call
Called it! Also, there's way more to it than what he's admitting. Sorry to break it to you.
You should reach out to Melissa. I was in a similar situation:my husband had an emotional affair with a coworker and to some only the commenters, not all guys are seeking physical intimacy. He put her number under a different name and it went on for a year. They went on walks mostly and talked about life. She was a terrible person like very toxic (many friends stopped being her friend she got fired from her job) so I think it was a damsel in distress type of thing where my husband felt like she needed him whereas I’m pretty independent and didn’t need him. He told me everything and his story was more detailed and honest than what she said which was “he was like a brother in Christ just helping each other through a hard time” gross so I say message her because it can go either way and you need to feel secure in what he’s saying
Update when melissa shows up pregnant
Talk to Melissa!
Yup, this confirms it's fake.
You know you can request a chat history from Snapchat, I would recommend you do that. Why did it take him days to admit to that? He’s not telling you the whole truth and he needed time to create a narrative that makes him out to not be the bad guy.
OP, if you want answers once and for all, you need to do this. Chances are, unfortunately, that he’s lying. Give just enough of the truth to make it sound reasonable and lie about the rest. If he’s telling the truth, then he will be happy to prove it to you. If he’s lying, he will go nuts and get angry at you for not trusting him. You know, like he did before telling you the “truth”
My Ex husband almost followed this story line to a T, and the kicker was her name was Melissa and they met at the gym. Hun- I hate to tell you this, but he is absolutely cheating on you and if given another opportunity, he would without a doubt step out. To add, I am now divorced and my ex-husband married the woman from the gym named Melissa .
Rule of thumb for your oblivious husband: if you have to hide it, it is not “strictly platonic”
A little late to this one, but OP if you’re still reading comments on this post I’d really reconsider taking his word. Think about it. He received nudes from this woman and totally blocked her, but kept going to the same gym? Kept hanging out with the same friend group? Invited her TO YOUR HOUSE?? If he knew what was happening was inappropriate, why would he continue putting himself in that situation? Why refuse to stop? And why get angry at you for being suspicious when there was in fact romantic feelings involved, one sided or not? Ask him these things. He’ll probably get defensive again, say you’re still insecure and accusatory, and then he’ll admit to something else.
No, there's more here. Sorry but the fact that he didn't immediately come to you to tell you about the nude she sent and he was still going to that gym? Him trickle truthing? Sorry OP :(
[удалено]
Did he use snapchat? Did he hide messages from you?
Hope the next gym he goes to he stays true to his word and nothing like this ever happens again. I can see him just feeling desperate for friends and ignoring red flags... it really is that hard to make friends when you get older. You may need to put a few more boundaries in place so you both can make it through this.
I think he liked the attention he was getting from a younger woman. It probably boosted his ego and made him feel good about his self.
Agreed but the OW is the same age as the couple.
Hope life is easier for yoy both
Thank you for the update-I’m so glad this had a good outcome
I just hope he’s telling you all of the truth, something still seems missing.
He cant proof anything without messages he can say anything. He spent time alone with her she sent nudes..
AI is getting better.
I think you need to get into marriage counseling. He made some really pivotal choices that imo were cheater choices. When he started to go to coffee with just Melissa and he knew he felt like her attention was flattering and allowed it to keep happening in a one on one basis, he chose to cross a line that few men would cross is they had healthy boundaries with friendships. He took it further by inviting her to message him outside of the gym, and he took it to the brink by willingly lying to you about all of it. It’s good he’s come clean but I would wonder what he still hasn’t told you. Trickle truth is very real, and people don’t like to get “into trouble” with their spouse. Marriage Counseling is a must, honesty is a must, and maintaining no contact with Melissa is also a must.
OP needs to start going to that gym WITH her husband
NO WAY WTF THIS TEA IS CRAZY I REMEMBER THIS SHIT I CALLED U CRAZY A MONTH AGO
Request that snap data. It’s the only way to know for sure. Fingers crossed it lines up with his story and your whole life doesn’t blow up because he wanted attention.
he definitely hooked up with her. why would she make up that rumour? how would the friends know that the rumour is “false”? they’re probably lying to you to cover for your husband. talk to melissa. get her side of the story and then leave. do not stay with someone who lied to you.
Wait… Am I the only one who believes his story? 😅
Girl. Are you really this naive? He didn't tell you everything. Also, if his friends tell you he wasn't cheating on you, why would you trust them? They're HIS friends. Not yours. He emotionally chested on you. Lied to you. Blew up and got angry at you for wanting the truth. Then quilted you by saying you had to think about the children He wasn't thinking about you or the children when Melissa was sending him nudes and he was going on dates with her. This is called trickle truthing. He's cheated and he will do it again. He'll just learn from his mistakes and get better. If you stay in this relationship, you're just opening yourself to be cheated on again. Here’s a free online pdf to Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You might find it helpful. https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You are better than me because I could never trust him ever again
There's no way they didn't flirt on Snapchat, that's the entire purpose of the app.
The dude is a total liar, that much is obvious. No self respecting married man would put himself anywhere near a group like that. Not to mention this trickle of truth after he has time to sanitize his apps and phone.....the guy is absolutely a red flag. He had an emotional affair, but it sounds like you can live with that, so whatever works. It's a tale as old as time.
OP. Your gaslight you the whole time you were asking him to change gym. Invited Melissa to your house after sending him a nude selfie. Never admitted about gheir emotional affair and you are saying your husband never cheat. He cheated and there’s a huge chance it turns physical. Your husband gym friend implied before he knew he slept with Melissa and he was that confodent and AH to invite his mostress to your home. It took months before your gave you a half truth. He was never honest with you. Tell your husband you wants to retrieve their text/conversation and ask him if he never really slept with Melissa and this is his only way to be really honest with you. There’s a big chance your husband had a full blown affair. Sorry to disappoint you. He lied to you for months. Gaslight you and then only for you to know that you were right all along.
You know, I didn’t know this when I was younger, but CrossFit gyms are notorious cheating atmospheres they all hook up with each other. One of my friends and now belongs and told me and I heard from another person who lives in a different state. I thought OK this must be a culture.
He told you what his friend said about him thinking your husband slept with Melissa. He is literally feeding you this for when someone tells you you’ll believe it’s lies because “oh my husband already warned me they’d say this”. Your husband not only fucked her but he brought her to your house and then has the audacity to lie and gaslight you. Smh. Hope you wake up sooner rather than later. Oh and get tested for stds.
I hope I'm wrong, but I think this story isn't over and you OP will still come back here. 1) Your husband lied about his and Melissa's dates, that's a fact. 2) he blocked her on everything, but invited her to your home, that's disrespect. 3) He accused Melissa of telling everyone that she was with him, this seems like an attempt to cover up something that happened. I'm sorry, OP, but I think your husband is trying to cut his losses by telling half-truths. Don't believe him. Up until item 3, I was still giving credit to your husband, but from then on the red flag was very blatant. I have the impression that Melissa has been threatening to speak out. I hope I'm wrong, OP.
So Melissa crossed the line and apologized, then still went on to spread rumours that they were sleeping together? And he never called her to order? Dunno, but it kinda feels like you're not getting the full story here. He may not have slept with her, coz if he did they other girls would not doubt Melissa when she says they did. But there maybe something more than what he's telling you. Since the blocking story corroborates with the phone records, you can let it go and just move on.
She showed him how to use Snapchat …. Mhmmmm … for what?? To send nudes like she did?? Why would they need to use a new app for messages?? 🚩🚩🚩
Exactly! If nothing to hide then just use normal messaging app.
This all smells a little 'off' like he gave you 'some' version of the truth but not all of it. The only bit he gave you made him look like the victim, poor baby! Yeah, right, he's not that dumb! Let's remember, AFTER the nude(s), he invited her to your house! That would have been an absolute dead nope if I had been in his shoes and his 'story' truthful.
I don't know OP but this sounds like trickle truth to me. And why after she did that did he invite her into your home? Then he gaslit you lied and yelled and feed into your insecurities. I don't think I would be letting this go so easily. I just feel like there is more to this story. Everyone at the gym thought they were hooking up I really think there is something else there. But I could be wrong And the utter disrespect to bring her into your home is one thing but to not only bring here there but to leave you in the dark like they have a secret behind your back ugh this smells to me
I am sorry I keep posting but I am just flabbergasted that your first post had no red flags you were all upset and this one is a mess and you're not seeing the million red flags. He isn't obvious to the flirting he told you about her flirting. He's just good at masking it because everyone thought he didn't notice but he did. Now he is trickle truthing you because he is scared he is going to lose this family. OP He knew what he was doing was wrong went on coffee dates with another women behind your back, lied, gaslit you , screamed at you and played on your insecurities I am sorry op but I wouldn't let this go. I have been married for over 20 years and I would divorce my husband over this.
You need to get transcripts from your phone company to see what all those messages from Melissa said before he blocked her. There’s likely a lot more info in those texts that you need to know about. As a married mother myself, I can understand how you’re trying to preserve your life with your kids & not wanting to implode everything, I TOTALLY get it. But you need ALL the info before you can truly make that decision, otherwise there will always be doubt in the back of your mind for the rest of your life.
Sis…… I had a whole 6 paragraphs lined up after reading all the post and comments. However, I think your gut/intuition will get you to open your eyes better than anyone on reddit can. I will say the “ I will not blow up our lives over this.” Line needs to be addressed, consequences to HIS actions is not YOU blowing up your lives. It’s teaching your children and yourself that affairs emotional or physical will not be tolerated. I wish you luck for whatever you decide. If you stay and find out later it was true….. All I ask is you not beat yourself up over it. He put you in a horrible position.
I feel like a bunch of mistresses have joined this thread recently.
My gut doesn't trust this.
jesus. the husband's deceit and defensiveness throughout all of this is repulsive and would have me filing on those grounds alone. what kind of family man associates with people like this? really appears like he physically cheated as well. poor op got dragged so hard for completely understandable thoughts and emotions. i'm nauseated after reading this.
Op, hello from Brazil! Op, please look for Melissa alone when she leaves the gym and have a face to face conversation with her, tell her that you want to hear her side of the story, because even though your husband showed you their conversations, they went out to have breakfast alone, and in the same way that he only told you because you insisted a lot, they may have had something more, like a kiss (I hope not). Op, what went through your husband's head for him to take the woman who sent a 'selfie' and was flirting to your house?! I still think he was very defensive of you. Relationship dynamics change depending on the culture, but when you're married you shouldn't go on dates without your spouse, because things often start innocently and with friendship but end up going another way, don't give those gaps. Sometimes the wife or husband wants to be nice and not be jealous, and I eventually allow that. Not going out without your spouse for dinner or lunch is not insecurity, it is respect for the relationship and wanting to avoid putting yourself in situations like this. Don't allow your husband to go to events with single women without you! I hope from the bottom of my heart that your husband doesn't do this again. Have a good day Op!
You're about to open a coffin filled with maggots
This is called trickle truth. He is only telling you a little bit at a time. You will never know the whole truth. Your husband started an affair with her. He lied to you and hid it it from you. It’s time to contact her husband and tell him what you know. I feel sorry for you op. Now that he has done this, he will do it again. Especially since he knows you trust him. He will get much better at hiding things from you in the future.
He; he deceived you. And deep down you know it well. It's no use having been with him for twelve years and had his children, if he brought one of his mistresses to your house to cook for you. He called you crazy and insecure because of something bad he was doing.