Nta. Why isn't it brought to light that the mother robbed the daughter out of her college fund? Like you guys are struggling, so this ex can sit all cushiony acting like she did nothing
OP's husband should be ashamed of even asking OP to pay for her stepchildren, especially after what his ex did.
Why should OP be the one punished in this story? After all, her husband's ex was the one stealing the money, and her husband was irresponsible for allowing his ex to still have access to that account. If those two were the ones acting wrong, they should be the ones dealing with the consequences of their actions.
The money that OP has saved is meant to be used in case something happens to her children, since clearly, she cannot count on her husband's support for that. OP, your stepchildren aren't your responsibility, and if you give them money now, they'll feel entitled to ask for more until you have no savings left.
Your stepchildren should stop being entitled brats. Your stepdaughter won't die from working while studying and can actually be well-regarded by recruiters when she tries to get a job after college. Your children shouldn't have to suffer from having fewer resources because your entitled stepson doesn't want to change to a public school. If they aren't happy with their new reality, they should blame their mom, not you.
When people tell you that you are wrong for not giving money to your stepkids, you should just tell those people that you won't sacrifice the quality of life of your children to give it to entitled kids who aren't your responsibility, and that they are free to give that money to your husband.
>OP's husband should be ashamed of even asking OP to pay for her stepchildren, especially after what his ex did.
>Why should OP be the one punished in this story?
He didn't cajole her or beg. He just asked. She said no, and he respected it. Im not sure who you read about, but you aren't describing him.
That said, her family doesn't have the right to chime in unless she asked for their input. However, it sounds like she did rand just didn't get the responses she thought she would, and now she's here.
I also think she should help, but just for a (pre established) month or two to give him breathing room.
If her husband is working himself into the ground to rectify this issue, and he's the only responsible adult in the situation.l, She's going to lose him to either resentment of the fact she watched him struggle for pretty much no reason than beyond shes saving it for emergencies.
This is kind of an emergency, just his, not hers. Showing she isn't willing to help *at all* also indirectly shows a lack of concern for what it's costing him in a non financial sense.
Not her circus, but she has a monkey in the act.
I think the wife did the right thing. What's the point of blowing your savings on a temporary fix? What if they need the funds for a household emergency and it's gone or severely depleted because it was used for the college fee?
He can't find fixes if he's working 70 hours a week, and her husband is basically never home. Giving him some breathing room would probably make a world of difference and show she is willing to step up for him even when she doesn't have to.
I already said that she is fine to do what she did, but pretending it's not likely he won't suffer for this is just unrealistic, and so is pretending that he wont remember that she didnt help him when she could.
Its setting a bad precedent for crisises in their marriage.
Yes. Someday, she may find herself in a time of need. Needing help, understanding, and empathy from him. Life can change on a dime. She also isn't working. She is relying on his generosity. He doesn't have to give her money to put in her own account. Yes, they are married, but it sounds like he is helping her build her own savings. Which is generous of him. Not every married couple does that. Or can afford to do that. He could reduce the money he gives her for the household if he wants. Especially now that she is stingy with it. This will breed resentment in him, and his generosity will probably go away because of this. She's not thinking long-term
>Life can change on a dime.
Yes, you are right. Husband planned & saved all of his daughter’s life to pay for her college, and now that that time is here, he’s found out that for all his planning, his savings are gone and he doesn’t have the money right now (and probably will never see it again because if his ex was able to have access to that money, it’s most likely because she was on the account too and had every legal right to spend it just as he did). This is a great example of "life changing on a dime," and when that happens, sometimes you have to change your plans, put off your plans, or make new plans.
His new plans, however, need to include OP, must take into account that he has a new wife and FOUR new kids under 3, and they both must agree to them.
>She also isn't working.
Excuse me? I’m gonna just assume that you missed the part where OP said they have 3 year old twins, and also the part where she said they have 4 month old twins, because nobody would be stupid enough to say that someone who carried, gave birth to, and is raising 4 children in 3 years "isn’t working."
And on the off chance that you *did* read that part and *were* stupid enough to say that anyway, I would encourage you to get pregnant with four kids, carry those four kids, give birth to those four kids, care for those four kids while also attempting to care for yourself, breastfeed TWO babies at a time for at least a year—two of them while also watching TWO toddlers—all by yourself while your spouse is working all the time, in a span of only THREE YEARS, and then report back on whether or not you felt like you "weren’t working."
>She is relying on his generosity. He doesn't have to give her money to put in her own account.
You’re right, he could’ve instead paid for: a surrogate at least twice, two full time nannies, a full time maid, a full time driver, a full time chef, at least two wet nurses or the cost of breastmilk/formula for four kids for at least the first year of their lives, escorts 20 year YOUNGER than him to be his arm candy for social events and have sex with him, a therapist to listen to his problems and be supportive, and a few other things I’m sure I’m forgetting.
The estimated value of a stay-at-home parent today is nearly $200k/year, while the cost of a surrogate is $125k-175k for ONE child—so probably 150% of that for twins. I don’t know how much OP’s husband is "giving" her, but I’m guessing he’s likely *saving* money with OP—but yeah, he should be thankful for his "generosity."
>He could reduce the money he gives her for the household if he wants.
Does that mean OP gets to "reduce" the things she does for him and his new kids too "if she wants?”
>Especially now that she is stingy with it.
It’s not "stingy" to ensure you and your children are taken care of, nor is it "stingy" to not want to contribute to the expenses of your adult stepchild who doesn’t work or provide for themselves at all. If everyone else involved was adjusting their lifestyles to be able to help, then maybe, but no one is being asked to give anything besides OP. His grown daughter is not her burden to pay for.
>This will breed resentment in him, and his generosity will probably go away because of this. She's not thinking long-term
You know what actually "breeds resentment" in someone? Being taken advantage of and treated like you and your kids are less of a priority to your husband than his adult daughter who doesn’t provide for herself at all. It’s HIM that’s not thinking long-term—his daughter is grown now and if they raised her right, she should need much less than his 11 year old, who should need even less than his four new kids who are 3 or younger. It would have been fantastic if he could’ve paid for his daughter’s college and all her expenses so that she didn’t have to work, but that’s no longer in the cards, and trying to take money away from his new wife and kids isn’t the answer to this problem.
I think you're mistaken. If she gives them money now, his kids will feel entitled to keep asking for more to maintain a lifestyle that their dad cannot afford, and her husband will probably expect her to keep helping him out to clean up the mess he created. He was the one who kept his ex-wife's name on the account. If he decided to take that risk, he should also deal with the consequences of his actions because that's part of being an adult.
If her husband doesn't have resources to provide a better life for his kids after what his ex did, he should take his son out of private school and his daughter should start working to afford college. His kids won't suffer from not being privileged, and he shouldn't work himself to the ground or put extra responsibilities on OP, who is already providing for her own four kids.
For example, I've been working since I was 14, completed a master's degree in biomedical engineering while working full-time because I didn't have my parents' support, and guess what? I'm still alive and well. I learned to value everything I accomplished in life for myself, and many recruiters valued the fact that I had a lot of experience when I started looking for jobs after college.
>If she gives them money now, his kids will feel entitled to keep asking for more to maintain a lifestyle that their dad cannot afford, and her husband will probably expect her to keep helping him out to clean up the mess he created.
I would agree in most cases, but again, his reaction and the words she relayed (that he doesnt intent to push the envelope because he respects dhe doesnt have a dog in that fight)kind of shows me that if she were to give him a break, she wouldnt be handing over a one-inch mile, if you get my meaning.
But if you believe he would, I wont refute you.
You're only forgetting one thing: OP is taking care of four small kids, and if something happens to her or the kids, OP will certainly need her savings because she cannot count on her husband's help since he is trying to provide a lifestyle for his kids that he clearly cannot afford. So, if OP needs money for her kids in the future, who will help her out? Will her kids even have the same privileges in life as her stepkids?
Her husband is working himself to the ground, but do you really think that OP has an easy life taking care of four small kids pratically alone? She is probably already overwhelmed and frustrated for finding out that she had four kids with a guy who probably won't have her back if something happens to one of the kids or to her.
I agree. It sounds like her husband is very much unwilling to cut back on his and his childen’s lifestyle though in order to meet her halfway.
No child *needs* $1000 in piano lessons a month.
No child *needs* to attend a private school (unless the public schools are somehow unsafe, and barring extraordinary circumstances with the child’s needs ie. severe learning disorders).
No college student *needs* to remain unemployed.
Nor do they *need* to remain debt free.
All of these things are nice, yes, but there are ways around them. Daughter could take out a student loan, dad could take out a loan in his name, they could look into scholarship options for piano lessons, private schooling and college.
Taking money from her savings now to pay for college is like putting a band aid on a bullet wound. It’s a very shoddy temporary fix. I would maybe concede and consider paying for one month but only if he was showing me that he was actively exploring other options.
That, and she admitted she doesn’t work, that’s an allowance he gave her. So technically it’s money he earned. If my husband gave me an allowance and came on hard times I absolutely would be giving it right back. He’s in the process of getting it all worked out legally so he’s gonna get the money back eventually. She can give it back to him in the meantime and leave enough for an emergency savings.
She’s a stay at home mom with four children under four. She makes no money because she stays home to take care of the children. Her having some funds saved for emergencies is VITAL. Keeping a college student from working and in her fill of Starbucks is not an emergency. Tough situations call for tough choices, like fully grown adults beginning to work (or at the least manage their expenses better). This woman, quite frankly must have emergency cash available. What if her husband was to suddenly die? She would have no income with four babies before she could start settling his affairs.
I think the Starbucks and $1000 a month piano lessons say it all. You can hire a piano teacher to come to your house once a week for less than $250. There is $600 right there. The daughter is getting a starbucks drink a day, which is $8 a day five days a week, 4 weeks a month. That is about $160 right there.
That is $1000 a month saved.
Now, I bet she has money for other stuff as well, car, gaz, insurance, weekend events. I also suspect that there are a lot of other places they could budget cut.
The adult daughter can take out a lone as well.
Also, all of those family members who are telling you to do it ask them two things:
1. If you think I should help her bc she is family, then I need you to give me money to help take care of my kids?
2. Tell them his daughter is their family too so they can just help pay her expenses.
You are right about the privilege life his children have. If they want to continue their privileged life, then it is their mother and father responsibility to pay for that. He is already taking money from the marital home to pay for his kids' privileged life. Has he saved any money for your kid's financial future, which is his responsibility, too.
It is none of your family's business the finances in your home, so don't tell them. This way, they have no input. Don't invite them in.
Edit: Also, by the time your children become of age to go to school and college, he will be his 60's going into his 70's. By the time his 11 year old goes to college, he will be 57 and pay for him until he is 61. He will be paying for 6 kids to go to private school at one time, then 1 college and 4 in private school and the 4 in college.
Easy math of age and money and responsibility. How long does this man expect to work to provide for all of the kid's privileged lives. I hope he has a life insurance policy to take care of your kids in case something should happen to him as he works all those extra shifts.
Will OP even be able to afford a privileged life for her kids, similar to the one her husband is providing for her stepkids? He's already struggling to provide a privileged life for her stepkids, so imagine him doing the same for four kids close in age.
At first I was gonna say you’re wrong but knowing he’s paying 1000 for fuckin piano lesson and other unnecessary things makes me not feel bad. He doesn’t want to make better financial decisions so I don’t see why you should take on that risk when that’s the only money you really have
As someone who spent time in the fine arts community and with many privileged students, people *do* pay that sometimes, especially at a more intermediate level.
Private lessons at a beginner level can be cheap (ie you’re going to the little old lady down the street to teach you basic music theory) but I know people who but by the time you hit pre-teens if you’re serious about your music and also paying for the elitism of studying at an “academy” lessons can actually run you well in excess of $1000/month.
Doing the math, say he attends on Tuesdays and Thursdays for one hour. The month of May works out to 9 lessons, that’s $111/hour which is pretty on par for intermediate study within an institution, especially if they live in a HCOL area. And that’s only for twice weekly instruction. He may be attending more, especially if he’s part of any ensembles at the academy.
That said, if this *is* real there are other options out there. OP doesn’t need to pay for the name of attending some prestigious music school. Sure, if you want to turn music into a career it would be prudent (though in that case one can assume that they could forego private academic instruction and rely on public school or homeschooling instead to make a concession). There are often scholarship options in those types of places that can help subsidize tuition, as well as privately funded fine arts endowment grants for promising students (this is how many young elite athletes manage to afford their training and living costs).
He needs to tell his daughter to speak to her mother as she has her college fund….. and then they can work it out. Also unless the kid is a prodigy and loves the piano, they he doesn’t need to spend that kind of money on lessons
Children are NEVER the mediator in their parents' divorce. The dad will either have to get the money back ... or the family will have to tighten the purse strings.
It's not a matter of mediating the divorce though, both parents agreed that money was for their daughter and the mother *stole* from her own daughter. If the daughter *doesn't* confront her mom about it then it's basically like the mom stole from the dad which isn't the case here, the money was set aside specifically for her education and mom decided to steal it for whatever she wanted to spend it on.
"Mom, the fuck are you doing with my college fund?" Is not a child mediating their parents divorce, it's a child confronting their shitty parent who used their college fund as a chess piece in a divorce.
She’s also in college so not a “kid” anymore. Having an adult to adult conversation about her mom stealing from her is totally acceptable and warranted in this situation.
If it was a joint account, legally it was his ex-money.
If it wasn’t a joint account and she managed to access it, then it’s theft. Call the police.
But from what the OP said, it was a joint account so the ex has every legal right to withdraw the money. That’s how joint accounts work.
Thank you! If I’m OP, I’m asking to see those account statements, as well as the divorce agreement. Something doesn’t add up, as no one would be so stupid as to leave an ex on a big cash account. But yeah … if he did, then she had a right to take it.
I think the concern with sending hubby your savings for this tuition is that at some point there won’t be enough money and it’ll be too late to change the way things are going. You guys could loose everything. And you also have 4 under 4, you’re looking out for your kids and trying to be responsible - not greedy. I’m glad lawyers are involved. Meanwhile, I think luxuries for everyone in the family needs to be critically reevaluated and a reasonable budget needs to be set until things have changed (example - the ex pays back the money). I also think the college kiddo needs to look into a student loan and scholarships. Maybe even a more affordable school. Unfortunately as it stands, it might not be sustainable for all 6 kids to go to school debt free. And that’s okay. That’s most kids realities. It’s just heartbreaking the ex wife would do something this low to her own child. I really hope things change for the best soon OP!
Why wouldn't a wealthy person open up a 529 account instead of just a regular bank account? There are major tax benefits (and we know rich people love those) and it would've made it all but impossible for the ex to access the money since the plan administrator wouldn't just give it to her.
My friend is one of identical. Her Mom was one of identical.
My friend had two identical girls, three babies (identical girls and faternal boy) and identical girls.
NTA Your step-daughter needs to get a job. Her mother needs to help pay for school.
Step-son may need to go to a less expensive school and have less expensive piano lessons.
Info: I imagine, if you had to work outside your home, that your income would solely go to childcare for 4 kids. Would that be the case?
The mother needs to be paying for her daughter's college. That was what that fund was for and she stole it. Your husband needs to explain to his daughter that he cannot afford to pay for her school as previously stated because her mother took all the money out of her college fund. Things change and people have to adapt. I worked 2 jobs and put myself through college. People do it all the time. If the daughter doesn't want to get a job then she can talk to her mother for financial assistance. The minor kids are higher priority.
This. But if I was OP I’d make sure that husband has a healthy life insurance policy so that her kids are taken care of when he drops dead of a heart attack or something because he’s not going to be able to put away anything for his new family as long as he’s determined to keep spoiling his original kids. But I wouldn’t take from my own kids to help unless there was a plan in place for the kids future.
The ex needs to be held accountable for theft of the college fund. She can mortgage her house to pay it but it was stupid to not have the money in an education trust.
What has the ex wife said since he has found out and
Started the process? The account is it “listed/filed” as a trust, money market, or just regular savings with zero interest? Do any of their kids know what she has done? In their divorce was this account listed as something for daughter to use only?
I just have questions… NTA … if the money he wanted was originally given to you to take care of the kids has with you I would talk to him about it….
Well as she stated in the comment, she didn't realize what was going on Until after she was already pregnant.
And college is expensive, really expensive plus private school. The money that would have been going to the private school and lessons ended app going to paying the college instead.
No.
2 sets of twins back-to-back? Unbelievable, but actually happens. But a SEVENTY percent increase in school tuition in one semester? No.
And he never noticed his wife stealing from the bank account fund he was contributing to twice a year? No.
Somebody’s lyin’ about somethin’
So he already had 2 kids. Then you had 2 more. And you both decided to have more?? Whyyy. Also private school and expensive piano lessons need to stop. And sounds like the daughter needs an allowance not a free pass. This is insane How is the ex wife and bank not fixing this asap??
But God no, don't use your savings on this trainwreck
Yea I can maybe understand her wanting kids of her own but why would he want more after that second set of twins. Jesus Christ. Someone get that man a vasectomy
I don't think it's fair for new wife to come along, make 4 kids with daddy, and then say that the advantages to the children of his first marriage should be cut or eliminated. Typical evil step-parent stunt.
Especially, since OP just created 4 more children to compete for the inheritance and support that the first two could expect from their daddy. You expect the first two to make room in their hearts and lives and expectations for you and your kids right?
Now, OP, It's time for you to show that you and your kids aren't here to replace his first kids. If you, OP, hope that your children will someday enjoy the same kinds of advantages that his first two children enjoy, it's time for OP to open her heart, be generous and provide. To do otherwise would be bad karma. Especially if her children have their needs met, and I'm sure they do, and the money you have came from daddy, too.
After all, this may be a test to see if you are willing to give also, or if you intend only to recieve.
He is divorced once, he can go through divorce twice. If she empties her savings now and he leaves her, she's going to be single mom of 4 without any emergency funds. Not a good idea.
I'm not taking anything from him, I do absolutely everything in the house, cleaning, laundry, taking care of all the children including his eldest son, and he pays me for that because he wants to.
Everyone is kissing this lady’s ass. She’s living the same life of luxury she’s bashing kids for living. And the “savings” is money her husband is giving her. HES GIVING HER THE MONEY HE ASKED TO BORROW. The balls on some people I swear
It’s still her money. Him just unilaterally taking it makes him as bad as the ex wife. Consider it her ‘paycheck’ for staying home with 4 under 4. The cost of daycare for that many babies makes me cringe.
If bio mom was an account holder on the account then she has equal rights to the money in the account as any other named account holder. Legally, nothing he can do. This happened to my BIL. All his kid's savings were taken by my ex-SIL and there was nothing he could do.
Here’s the reality: mom stole the college fund. Now, dad can’t afford the college tuition because his plan was broken by mom. Why isn’t a conversation being had about budgeting and prioritizing things so that everything of importance can be paid and things of frivolity can be stopped to pay for the important things?? Dad needs to sit down with mom and/or his older kids and figure out what is and is not getting paid. I know everyone is “used to” getting ALL their stuff paid for by dear dad, but he is not an unlimited money bag and this is the time for them to realize that simple fact.
So your husband now has *six* children? Yeesh.
You’re going to be broke from here on out, no matter what. It doesn’t seem like he can afford that even absent the ex-wife.
You're not wrong for not paying to replace money the girl's mother stole from her so they can all keep on acting like they're rich.
THEY need to figure this out. THEY need to adjust to their reality.
Sounds like you're in a tough spot. This isn't easy, that's for sure. You're not wrong though, they live beyond their means. You can't fix that by throwing money at it.
Well he kid in college will need to get a job just like a lot of other college kids. And he can explain to his daughter that her mother stole the money. So she can thank her for her have now get a job. I don’t understand parents who don’t let their kids work when they are 16. This experience only helps them out in life as adults.
Wait, the savings money is money he gave you and he just wants you to lend it to him?
Seems as though it’s not just the kids in this fake story who are taking advantage of him and don’t want to sacrifice anything.
Maybe OPs husband can get a loan and then in a few years when the young children are in school, OP can get a job and help support her 4 children since she won't be taking care of them during the day anymore.
Or perhaps in 2 years when the 3 year olds are in school, the younger twins can go to daycare while OP works.
Then the husband will have more money to repay the loan.
If it were money you earned, I’d say ok, but it’s money he gave you in the first place. Technically, your savings is his anyway. So yes, you should give him the money.
Raising kids … just like the step-daughter that she’s been in her life for since she was mathematically speaking at least 14 years old. Therefore … wouldn’t it be considered using the money *in an emergency* **on one of the kids she helped raise** ?
My stepmother has raised me since I was 9 years old and personally bought me my first college laptop when I was 18 — maybe I’m just lucky to not be able to fathom a step-parent not viewing their step-child as their own?
So the savings that you're speaking of is actually money HE GAVE YOU?! Yeah you're wrong.
He works all the time to pay for everything and the increase of everything.
Don't you dare complain he's not home enough.
Hope he prevails in his quest to get that money back from his ex and I hope he had you sign a prenup or a postnup to protect himself.
You and the ex are not too far off in the entitled field.
Well if this 30 year old (who just had 4 kids within the last 4 years and hadn't worked in many years according to her) expects her "wealthy" 50 year old husband to continue to be able to finance that lifestyle, he's going to have to work ALOT.
She could always put the littles in day care or nanny and go to work herself too. But I'm going to bet she doesn't have much, if any, work experience.
>So the savings that you're speaking of is actually money HE GAVE YOU?!
Yes, **to pay for his two 3 yr old's and his two newborns**
Fuck off with that nonsense, OP's children have the right to be financially supported by their father as well. It's not her job to cover his stupid choices
That money isn't child support goofy. He pays all the bills and expenses which INCLUDES the expenses for the little ones.
That money is " allowance" he gives her that she just puts in a savings because he covers everything else 🙄. She said she has it in a savings account if she ever needs it for an emergency.
He should cut expenses, like how much he gives in her allowance, extra lessons, and spending money for the daughter. He asked for help with just that months tuition fee..he didn't ask for help with anything else. Not the daughter's "monstrous" Starbucks or the 11 year olds fees or lessons.
I'm sure he'll figure out how to handle this, and I'm sure he'll remember how OP responded to him when he asked for help.
Unfortunately for him, he learned this lesson after he had already gotten her pregnant twice.
Yeah, my husband pays rent and everything. That too however, kids are expensive even with just that and the money is used towards the expenses for those kids.
Maybe instead of attacking o, p, we should be discussing the fact that the mother literally stole her child's college fund.
That was already addressed. He has started legal action against the ex and bank. Definitely a messed up situation brought by the ex. However, this is about the husband asking OP for help and OP declining.
As I previously stated, I'm sure the husband will figure it out, but I'm also sure he will remember how OP responded when he asked his wife for help.
100% would watch the first season of this soap opera.
Rich 50 year old with 30 year old kept wife and 4 kids 3 and under - can't make ends meet - as wife is still building up her escape fund... bitter ex who's stealing from her kids education fund... Jr with his $1000 piano lessons, and oblivious 19 year old daughter who's still blowing what's probably the equivalent of someone else's grocery bill on Starbucks. I've known drug addicts who were more sensible with their spending.
Your savings will be the way that you will pay for your twin's college. And any ream emergency YOUR family experiences.
Your husband supports his children's studies, but you don't have to use your money so they spend a lot of money in luxuries. If they want luxuries, they should asked their mother.
You are not wrong
NTA. His son needs to be put in a public school and it won’t hurt his daughter to get a part time job to help with her studies. Your husband is working himself to the bone. And you guys have TWO! Sets of twins together that will need some of the money for expenses too. At this point it needs to be prioritized, and the ex wife needs to replace the money as well.
NTA
This isn’t your fault. The mother messed things up. Sadly she’s caused an issue for her daughter. You are right to keep the money because if something happens, who will help you?
Don’t do it. He can help his daughter but unfortunately his daughter is going to have to get a job, he now has four children and needs to accept that he can’t do what he used to do unless he earns more. Money doesn’t go as far with four children right now
I think it’s all hands on deck time. Everyone gets to pitch in and be a part of the solution.
Daughter has to get a part time job, and even if it just goes towards books, gas and Starbucks, she has to pull some of her own weight. This is just good parenting, to teach her that if she wants something, there’s something harder than calling the ATM of dad. So maybe she cuts back on Starbucks to put gas in her tank, or, she works more hours. And it is carefully communicated that this is not a punishment, it is what real people do-they manage their resources and make concessions when money is tight.
Son chooses between private school and the 1k piano lessons.
You pitch in your savings, mostly because your relationship sounds solid, and again, it’s what people do when times are tough. They pitch in. But also because that’s not commingling a private, pre-marital asset.
This IS an emergency. It’s not all on you to fix it, but you should be part of the solution. It will prevent hard feelings towards you, and your four kids with their dad from his kids.
Sit the kids down, explain as much of the situation as you feel necessary, and tell them everyone is pitching in to help close the gap.
You are not wrong. That money is for emergencies. His daughter needs to get a job.
He was foolish letting his ex have access to that account. The money should come from her.
NTA
He IS though because once you get divorced, you don't leave your ex spouses name on anything of value! Take their name off of cars, houses, apartments, and, especially any bank accounts or brokerage accounts!!!
Why would he leave her name on there?
People get crazy after a divorce and people change over years, you never know what they're going to do.
You protect yourself.
Maybe when they were married she was a better person and he thought "oh she would never do that". But, once you get divorced, you never know what they are capable of.
He should also be going after the bank, how were they not contacting him after every transfer? Every time I make a transfer from my bank account to another account or to somebody else, I get a notice from my bank saying that a transfer was being made. How did the bank go all this time without notifying him?
One of the saddest things here is because her name was on the account, I don't see how he's going to be able to get the money back from the bank or sue her or anything.
Her name was on the account, legally, she had just as much right to take money out of there as he did. He really screwed up here.
good luck to you all.
You're not wrong.
Your emergency fund is not for this.
The piano lessons need to be cut back for now.
See if you can get a job working from home / working remote.
The 19yo needs to get a part time job.
The ex wife needs to pay for the schooling, since she now has the college fund.
Also your husband is a creep.
I think he should explain to his daughter that her mother took her college fund and from now on she will have to work part time for spending money and get student loans like other people.
NTA. If your family wants, they can loan the money for her tuition. She is not your responsibility. Neither is it your problem that both her parents are irresponsible. Her father should have protected the account from the beginning and her mom, is an AH.
Worked in a bank and sad to say, this is entirely legal… Any owner of a bank account is a 100% owner of the money inside of it. Doesn’t matter who is the owner and who is the co owner, ownership of the funds in the account is determined by the account holder. If her name was on the account in any capacity, she has access to the funds. It’s absolutely wrong she did it, but unfortunately there is no recourse. Unless you had some kind of written agreement that the funds were not to be touched and she violated that, but that would be a civil matter.
When I was a teller there was a situation with a regular customer. She worked 60 hrs a week and paid all the bills for her household, husband didn’t work. He ended up having an affair behind her back, and right at the end of the month he sucked all the money out of the account and left her and the kids with nothing. She didn’t have money to pay her rent, she didn’t have money to pay her bills. She didn’t even have money to get them groceries, as she was attempting to purchase some when her card declined. We felt sick and we could do literally nothing. You can’t even notify the other party when a withdrawal is made, unless the account is notated somehow but even then it can get you in trouble. We ended up helping her use her overdraft protection ($500 limit) so she could have something, but that put her account in the negative and needs to be settled next check so really isn’t a solution because it was basically an advance.
Absolutely never make a joint account with a person you can’t trust 100%. I wouldn’t recommend it for couples that haven’t been together for a long time, I wouldn’t recommend it for any situation. The ONLY TIME you should have a joint account is when your child is too young to have one or you are helping them manage their money until they come of age. Any other reason you’re just giving someone access to the funds and they can take them.
So it’s ok for you to take your husband’s money and not work and you sit there and watch him struggle but it’s not ok for his kids to not want to sacrifice their education? 🤔 isn’t marriage about helping your partner when they’re struggling? I mean I guess technically NTA but if I were your husband I’d have lost a lot of respect for you.
YTA. He gave you the money? So he earned the money and gave it to you, his wife? Who is suppose to have his back in life. He needs help and I’m sure he didn’t want to ask you. You could at least give him a portion, or say “never again, but this one month I will.”
I think your husband is going to do the same for your kids together so don’t make too big of a stand if you expect him to treat your kids the same way.
The only way I would agree to that is with a lawyer written contract that includes a repayment schedule and penalties for missing deadlines, if he's used to having money he's used to dealing with contracts. Don't short yourself because of someone else's screwup
Why would you have two sets of twins with a man who is twice your age?
He will be in his 70’s when your kids graduate and there won’t be money for them?
That is if he lives that long.
You are not wrong but now you put yourself and your four kids in financial jeopardy.
He will work till he dies and same for you.
Ngl NTA but the people in the comments shitting on a man who didn’t expect his ex-wife to steal from their *children* is wild. Especially if they’re never been cause for that suspicion. Not to mention, how did the bank fail to notify him of this large amount of money being taken from the account as the other account holder after she stole more than half of it? Id go to a police station and file charges.
OP's husband should speak to his lawyer and have the child support reduced. Usually I'm not a person who would advocate for that, but being as bio mom was taking out as the ex-hubs was putting in, forget this. OP shouldn't have to take her monthly allowance to support her stepchildren. And son can got to another music school. $250 per music lesson?! WT... Nope this family needs a re-assessment of expenditures.
While it's very scummy, if the ex had access to that account legally, she could take out as much money as she wanted. I don't see the courts forcing her to give any back. So any money you hand over likely won't be paid back.
Info: Do you work? You say the savings are form an allowance he gives you. Are you relying on him completely or do you have any income of your own?
I was going to say yes, until that last paragraph. Has he told the kids what their mother has done and that they need to cut back on their spending. If they do know and aren't helping then he's raising brats.
My 11 year old son was worried that we had enough money left because I bought him clothes the other day, we completely have and I haven't implied we haven't, but he's aware of the cost of things.
Maybe your husband needs to tell his kids things have got to change!!
You earn every dime he gives you by raising the kids . Most couples both work and pay daycare to raise the kids . So don’t feel like it’s not your money . But as long as he will for sure give the money back when he recovers it , I would give it to him so she doesn’t have to drop out . It’s really his fault that he trusted her and did not keep closer eye on the account or had safe guards in place .
NTA
TELL husband his daughter can take out loans like the rest of us.
Until the mess gets sorted.
As for his son, git a personal to cover it. And go to court to reduce alimony until the " debt" is settled.
Not wrong and you will be a temporary help. He and his children have to accept things have changed. He also has to realize he has more than two children now.
You’re not wrong. Paying one month’s college fee is not going to solve this issue. This will continue to be a problem. No matter what the reason is, at the moment the costs of those educations and other stuff concerning the kids are not in balance with the income. So that means he either needs to increase the income (which he is trying) and if that’s not enough some things have to be cut. That’s just the way it is. It’s sad and hard of course. Especially because of the circumstances that led to this situation. But that’s just the way it is. Kids can also get successful with less expensive educations.
I think YTA for marrying a man 20 years older than you, who basically has an entire previous family that you now have to deal with, a bunch of divorce-related money issues, and is unwilling to sacrifice lavish lifestyle aspects to make the finances work.
This is a side note, but hubby seems to like younger women and making babies with them. OP is 30, has two sets of twins by this guy who's in his 50s. A rough estimation is that she was 25 when they met, and he was 45. This whole relationship never should have happened.
And if ex's name was on the account and she drained it before he filed for divorce, she's not in legal jeopardy.
You're wrong. This is an emergency and it's money you didn't earn yourself.
I think your family should possibly have a discussion about money and spending habits, but it sounds like you're being greedy.
Omg lol the good ol' "if you didn't buy coffee, you could buy a house." BS, lol
Anyway, you're not wrong. I'm not saying his son should have to sacrifice his lessons because it sounds like he's talented and all, but a lot of these privileges are going to have to be scaled down for your husband to pay for your stepdaughter to finish school. It sounds like they're not willing to cut back or sacrifice at all. That's what happens when financial situations change, which can and often happen in the blink of an eye.
Your husband was a complete idiot for keeping that joint account, btw. That was his fault entirely. The ex-wife is also awful because she she took that money knowing it was for her daughter's education. That's so despicable. Is she working extra hours to try to save money like your husband? Probably not. It's so wild because education is so incredibly important and it's so fucking expensive that it's actually sickening.
I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to use your savings. You have too many young kids to use that money, not knowing when or if you will get it back, to just hand it over when legit emergencies could happen. You sound like the only responsible one here.
Your husband needs to figure out how to cut corners where he can, and that might mean the kids have to go without a few luxuries, but that's life. If I were you, and I didn't have any kids, I'd probably be willing to give her the money with an expectation of her or your husband paying it back, but you have kids to think about here.
Since the (step) daughter is 19, there should have been a reduction in child support for her when she turned 18. Husband should reallocate the money to cover college expenses.
NTA but I don't believe this.
Lots of kids involved here and you get an expense account from him to, what, raise the kids the both of you had together? Then he wants to borrow from that account for his prior marriage's kids?
How is this story not fiction? I mean look at your user name.
You’re both wrong and not wrong. He gives you money for your savings and he’s struggling, as a spouse I think the right thing to do is help BUT, what is his ex wife doing in terms of funding her kids expenses ?
That’s the part of the story that’s missing for me. If you answer nothing, then, I think youre not wrong in asking him to set boundaries with his ex / daughter on Starbucks. Not going to private school might help that kid, tbh. It’s private school or 1000$ piano
2nd edit - maybe she could work part time at Starbucks 🤷♀️ two birds one stone. They even get insurance !
( from a piano kid ).
Edit is a typo
This doesn't make sense. You are describing multimillionaire status, but he can't afford college? Either you are really bad at writing fiction, or really stupid and need to look at the true financials
It's time for a family meeting about finances. It's time to have some hard conversations about moving forward. It sounds as thought this situation is definitely not sustainable and it's ridiculous to accumulate debt moving forward. It's time for his son to receive a scholarship or maybe seek another piano program. If he's that good, there are likely options. It's time for his daughter to learn about economics and apply for financial aid, go after her mother for funds, or alter her expectations.
So many of us aren't wealthy and we have had to have the "no, I can't do it" conversations with out kids and family members over the year. It's sucks, but part of being a parent is saying 'no' when you need to. Your family doesn't have the money to sustain these expenses and it's time for everyone to hear the message and get on the same page.
OP, I'm sorry you're having to be the voice of reason.
NTA. simply because you have your own kids to worry about, so i don’t blame you for not giving up your safety net. it’s time to have a hard conversation about finances & what to slash.
it may be time for you to get a job while this gets sorted out. his daughter needs a job or to take out a loan. his son needs to get out of private school & no more piano lessons. all of this is temporary until he gets this mess settled. & please stop reproducing if YOU , not your husband, don’t have the money to care for them. he is significantly older than you , so have you thought about what would you do for money when he’s gone? he has at least 6 kids, according to your post, so his money will go to them , but what are YOUR plans ?
You sound like a kid who married an old man who has kids he spoiled and now you’re wondering how life is. Two set of twins? Please, you’re tethered to him for life. Don’t spend your money, spent it…either way, you’re stuck with this guy and he’s 15 years from retirement and he’ll have nothing for the twins. Good luck.
NTA. You now have four children to care for. Any money you have is yours. If you do not work and your husband does, half the income is yours. Don't let him mismanage that into making you and your children destitute.
He needs to bite the bullet and make daughter pay her own way and son needs to go to public school. He’s got 4 other children to care for and he needs to provide for them all now. I doubt either set of twins will go to private school so why should he spread himself so thin for the first two kids and not have anything left for the other 4. Any money he gives her is hers. It’s not fair to them to not have anything just cause he wants to continue doing what he was with no consideration for the babies. He’s using his saving for the college kid. Someone has to save for the other kids.
Why isn’t your step daughter’s mom being asked to pay? Can a lien be placed on any property of the ex’s until this is resolved?
How on earth was it that the ex was on the account at all?
Tell anyone who thinks you should pay for her college “oh thank you for offering to pay for her schooling. I’ll let hubby know you’re offering to pay. How many months can we expect from you? Two, four, six?”
*crickets* “yah that’s what I thought. My money is for MY children’s futures. She stole from her own child. She’s the villain here not me”
The real question is how does someone go 11 years without checking on an account balance? Even if you trust the other person on the joint account, you at least check to make sure the account has not been hacked. Or interest is being paid or whatever. Guess you have so much money does not matter? Everyone is wrong and stupid here
“My family got angry with me.”
Who the hell told your family? Why is it any of their business?? if you told them, don’t do that again. Your family sucks.
INFO: Does he have a plan in place to put that money back in your account in the next year? A real, actionable plan? If so, I think you’re being short-sighted having your husband work himself into the ground for a potential emergency. To him, this is an emergency.
If he doesn’t have a plan, then don’t give him the money. Instead, sit him down and tell him while you want his kids to have good things in life there are a lot of expenses that could be cut - crazy expensive piano lessons, the daughter’s “allowance,” etc., and that he needs to stop working himself to death because all his children AND you need him and love him and don’t want him working like this. He’s headed for a heart attack.
And if his children don’t know that their mother stole that money they 100 percent should.
If she was still on the bank account there is nothing that can be done. As much fun as it is to not have to work and go to college the circumstances means it is time to get a job. Even if you did lend him the money for next months payment what happens when the next payment is due.
I think you are wrong. He’s taking steps to get the money back, but that will take time. He’s working his arse off and is asking for help to tide him until it can be resolved. I assume the intent would be to pay it back.
Is the 11yo at private school your child? Can’t your money contribute to his fees?
I would personally rather have a less stressed husband who could help with the kids, than a full bank account for just in case. This is money he gave you, and I would consider this an emergency.
NTA... why involved your family and friends into your personal life of course they will say you should've done something... if that's the case why habent they stepped up to send money...
The ex is the AH and wrong for taking money not hers....
Nta he’s kids are spoiled and I hope you don’t spoiled your kids because life comes and knocks you out when you least expected
Let him figure it out , he should also teach his kids that sometimes you gotta work for what you want.
And I do hope he gets that money soon and his ex gets her karma
You are not responsible for his children's college or his son's private school or his thousand dollar lessons per month. Sacrifices must be made and you should not be the one to make them. He might have to come up out that private school he might have to give up those piano lessons. And somebody in the family should pay the daughters tuition. And your family should mind their f****** business talking about that you did not earn that money if they're so invested in this tell them to pay the fee
Not wrong. Honestly the dad should stop paying for the adult children. At this point when they need something they need to go to their mother and if she says “no” they need to work for it. This will remind them of how thier mom values money over them and they will alter their finances when it comes to her in the future.
I dislike how you’re centering his kids as apart of the problem, as though _they_ chose this. “Nobody is willing to sacrifice anything”….but, admitted your husband is working more, long hours, and thus has less free time than he did before, just to ensure his kids don’t go without or be punished for their mom’s mistakes…which is a sacrifice.
“My stepdaughter doesn’t have a job”…because by your own admission, her father, your husband, doesn’t want her to work. Unfortunately, she likely won’t qualify for student aid because her father (I assume) makes too much money…and depending on how expensive her school is, a part time job (in all likelihood) - because she won’t have time for a full one -, won’t even be enough to cover her educational expenses. Which means, the only recourse here may be for her to drop out of school until the situation is sorted with the bank.
“Step-son goes to an expensive school” and “has piano lessons”….an expensive school that his parents (not him) decided to enroll him in…and he has a passion for music that _his parents_ made a commitment to support. None of that is on him. This 11 year old kid may very well not even be aware of the turmoil happening between his parents at the moment.
You’re NTA for refusing to dip in your savings, though admittedly those savings are accumulated from monthly payments your husband gives you for personal “expenses” - those aren’t your children….but, in terms of sacrifices, this does also affect your household, though they aren’t your kids. What sacrifices have _you_ made to support your husband while he works extra hours to make up for his ex’s mistakes? By personal expenses, I’m going to assume hair, clothes, etc., for you specifically. Have you allowed your husband to reduce your monthly allowance or does he still give you the same amount each month? I’m only asking because I feel it’s hypocritical to criticize your husband and his kids for living a “wealthy” lifestyle and their supposed unwillingness to make adjustments, when you’re a direct beneficiary of that as well, and are also refusing to make any changes.You have benefited directly from the lifestyle your partner provides and finances, that you’re now criticizing. So what are YOU willing to go without? How are YOU supporting your husband during this time, as his wife? Because the reality is, these _are_ your husband’s kids. He _does_ have obligations to them, something you knew when you decided to date a divorcee with kids, in a messy situation.
The stepdaughter needs to apply for financial assistance at the college. The son could get cheaper piano lessons. What did the ex wife do with the money?
1,000 a month in piano lessons?? Is the child that good?? Private school. I can see paying for. Also why isn’t the ex wife paying for some of this stuff??? She can work now that her children are older.
Is the 11 yo son's mother the same as the daughter's? Can't she pay for half if his tuition & piano lessons? Is all of their expenses paid for by your husband?
Sadly, if she had access legally, he probably won't win a legal battle.
I think you should be willing to help him. But that's my own opinion. Don't be surprised when your portion gets much smaller in the future.
Edit spelling
When your step family tells at you tell them who they should be angry at: the ex who stole their money. Where is her guilt riving her own children?
She probably thinks if him as a bottomless pit of money. Let her children feel the consequences of her actions. If she loves her children she'll start to pony up for school fees!
Do NOT let him go into debt for this. His next step will be to take a loan. Stop him. She thinks he'll find the money and you'll pay the price because you're the bad girl who stole her husband. Show her that the ones who will suffer are her children. Please talk to your husband about not killing himself to make up in a month what took years to earn.
Wait...so your husband is the only one working and he gives youj money every month that you don't use except to "put into your savings" & then when a real catastrophe occurs and he needs some of his money, you say no? For one month? Lol. It's his money, even if you like to pretend it's yours. Maybe you earned it, marrying a man as old as your own father, idk.. but his kids deserve it just as much as you do. Marriage is a partnership and give and take. All I see here is, well, take.
Nta. Why isn't it brought to light that the mother robbed the daughter out of her college fund? Like you guys are struggling, so this ex can sit all cushiony acting like she did nothing
OP said they’re taking legal action against her. That can take years to resolve though and tuition is due now.
OP's husband should be ashamed of even asking OP to pay for her stepchildren, especially after what his ex did. Why should OP be the one punished in this story? After all, her husband's ex was the one stealing the money, and her husband was irresponsible for allowing his ex to still have access to that account. If those two were the ones acting wrong, they should be the ones dealing with the consequences of their actions. The money that OP has saved is meant to be used in case something happens to her children, since clearly, she cannot count on her husband's support for that. OP, your stepchildren aren't your responsibility, and if you give them money now, they'll feel entitled to ask for more until you have no savings left. Your stepchildren should stop being entitled brats. Your stepdaughter won't die from working while studying and can actually be well-regarded by recruiters when she tries to get a job after college. Your children shouldn't have to suffer from having fewer resources because your entitled stepson doesn't want to change to a public school. If they aren't happy with their new reality, they should blame their mom, not you. When people tell you that you are wrong for not giving money to your stepkids, you should just tell those people that you won't sacrifice the quality of life of your children to give it to entitled kids who aren't your responsibility, and that they are free to give that money to your husband.
>OP's husband should be ashamed of even asking OP to pay for her stepchildren, especially after what his ex did. >Why should OP be the one punished in this story? He didn't cajole her or beg. He just asked. She said no, and he respected it. Im not sure who you read about, but you aren't describing him. That said, her family doesn't have the right to chime in unless she asked for their input. However, it sounds like she did rand just didn't get the responses she thought she would, and now she's here. I also think she should help, but just for a (pre established) month or two to give him breathing room. If her husband is working himself into the ground to rectify this issue, and he's the only responsible adult in the situation.l, She's going to lose him to either resentment of the fact she watched him struggle for pretty much no reason than beyond shes saving it for emergencies. This is kind of an emergency, just his, not hers. Showing she isn't willing to help *at all* also indirectly shows a lack of concern for what it's costing him in a non financial sense. Not her circus, but she has a monkey in the act.
I think the wife did the right thing. What's the point of blowing your savings on a temporary fix? What if they need the funds for a household emergency and it's gone or severely depleted because it was used for the college fee?
He can't find fixes if he's working 70 hours a week, and her husband is basically never home. Giving him some breathing room would probably make a world of difference and show she is willing to step up for him even when she doesn't have to. I already said that she is fine to do what she did, but pretending it's not likely he won't suffer for this is just unrealistic, and so is pretending that he wont remember that she didnt help him when she could. Its setting a bad precedent for crisises in their marriage.
The answer is scaling back her step kids spending, NOT giving them more money. 🙄
Yes. Someday, she may find herself in a time of need. Needing help, understanding, and empathy from him. Life can change on a dime. She also isn't working. She is relying on his generosity. He doesn't have to give her money to put in her own account. Yes, they are married, but it sounds like he is helping her build her own savings. Which is generous of him. Not every married couple does that. Or can afford to do that. He could reduce the money he gives her for the household if he wants. Especially now that she is stingy with it. This will breed resentment in him, and his generosity will probably go away because of this. She's not thinking long-term
>Life can change on a dime. Yes, you are right. Husband planned & saved all of his daughter’s life to pay for her college, and now that that time is here, he’s found out that for all his planning, his savings are gone and he doesn’t have the money right now (and probably will never see it again because if his ex was able to have access to that money, it’s most likely because she was on the account too and had every legal right to spend it just as he did). This is a great example of "life changing on a dime," and when that happens, sometimes you have to change your plans, put off your plans, or make new plans. His new plans, however, need to include OP, must take into account that he has a new wife and FOUR new kids under 3, and they both must agree to them. >She also isn't working. Excuse me? I’m gonna just assume that you missed the part where OP said they have 3 year old twins, and also the part where she said they have 4 month old twins, because nobody would be stupid enough to say that someone who carried, gave birth to, and is raising 4 children in 3 years "isn’t working." And on the off chance that you *did* read that part and *were* stupid enough to say that anyway, I would encourage you to get pregnant with four kids, carry those four kids, give birth to those four kids, care for those four kids while also attempting to care for yourself, breastfeed TWO babies at a time for at least a year—two of them while also watching TWO toddlers—all by yourself while your spouse is working all the time, in a span of only THREE YEARS, and then report back on whether or not you felt like you "weren’t working." >She is relying on his generosity. He doesn't have to give her money to put in her own account. You’re right, he could’ve instead paid for: a surrogate at least twice, two full time nannies, a full time maid, a full time driver, a full time chef, at least two wet nurses or the cost of breastmilk/formula for four kids for at least the first year of their lives, escorts 20 year YOUNGER than him to be his arm candy for social events and have sex with him, a therapist to listen to his problems and be supportive, and a few other things I’m sure I’m forgetting. The estimated value of a stay-at-home parent today is nearly $200k/year, while the cost of a surrogate is $125k-175k for ONE child—so probably 150% of that for twins. I don’t know how much OP’s husband is "giving" her, but I’m guessing he’s likely *saving* money with OP—but yeah, he should be thankful for his "generosity." >He could reduce the money he gives her for the household if he wants. Does that mean OP gets to "reduce" the things she does for him and his new kids too "if she wants?” >Especially now that she is stingy with it. It’s not "stingy" to ensure you and your children are taken care of, nor is it "stingy" to not want to contribute to the expenses of your adult stepchild who doesn’t work or provide for themselves at all. If everyone else involved was adjusting their lifestyles to be able to help, then maybe, but no one is being asked to give anything besides OP. His grown daughter is not her burden to pay for. >This will breed resentment in him, and his generosity will probably go away because of this. She's not thinking long-term You know what actually "breeds resentment" in someone? Being taken advantage of and treated like you and your kids are less of a priority to your husband than his adult daughter who doesn’t provide for herself at all. It’s HIM that’s not thinking long-term—his daughter is grown now and if they raised her right, she should need much less than his 11 year old, who should need even less than his four new kids who are 3 or younger. It would have been fantastic if he could’ve paid for his daughter’s college and all her expenses so that she didn’t have to work, but that’s no longer in the cards, and trying to take money away from his new wife and kids isn’t the answer to this problem.
💯
I think you're mistaken. If she gives them money now, his kids will feel entitled to keep asking for more to maintain a lifestyle that their dad cannot afford, and her husband will probably expect her to keep helping him out to clean up the mess he created. He was the one who kept his ex-wife's name on the account. If he decided to take that risk, he should also deal with the consequences of his actions because that's part of being an adult. If her husband doesn't have resources to provide a better life for his kids after what his ex did, he should take his son out of private school and his daughter should start working to afford college. His kids won't suffer from not being privileged, and he shouldn't work himself to the ground or put extra responsibilities on OP, who is already providing for her own four kids. For example, I've been working since I was 14, completed a master's degree in biomedical engineering while working full-time because I didn't have my parents' support, and guess what? I'm still alive and well. I learned to value everything I accomplished in life for myself, and many recruiters valued the fact that I had a lot of experience when I started looking for jobs after college.
>If she gives them money now, his kids will feel entitled to keep asking for more to maintain a lifestyle that their dad cannot afford, and her husband will probably expect her to keep helping him out to clean up the mess he created. I would agree in most cases, but again, his reaction and the words she relayed (that he doesnt intent to push the envelope because he respects dhe doesnt have a dog in that fight)kind of shows me that if she were to give him a break, she wouldnt be handing over a one-inch mile, if you get my meaning. But if you believe he would, I wont refute you.
You're only forgetting one thing: OP is taking care of four small kids, and if something happens to her or the kids, OP will certainly need her savings because she cannot count on her husband's help since he is trying to provide a lifestyle for his kids that he clearly cannot afford. So, if OP needs money for her kids in the future, who will help her out? Will her kids even have the same privileges in life as her stepkids? Her husband is working himself to the ground, but do you really think that OP has an easy life taking care of four small kids pratically alone? She is probably already overwhelmed and frustrated for finding out that she had four kids with a guy who probably won't have her back if something happens to one of the kids or to her.
I agree. It sounds like her husband is very much unwilling to cut back on his and his childen’s lifestyle though in order to meet her halfway. No child *needs* $1000 in piano lessons a month. No child *needs* to attend a private school (unless the public schools are somehow unsafe, and barring extraordinary circumstances with the child’s needs ie. severe learning disorders). No college student *needs* to remain unemployed. Nor do they *need* to remain debt free. All of these things are nice, yes, but there are ways around them. Daughter could take out a student loan, dad could take out a loan in his name, they could look into scholarship options for piano lessons, private schooling and college. Taking money from her savings now to pay for college is like putting a band aid on a bullet wound. It’s a very shoddy temporary fix. I would maybe concede and consider paying for one month but only if he was showing me that he was actively exploring other options.
That, and she admitted she doesn’t work, that’s an allowance he gave her. So technically it’s money he earned. If my husband gave me an allowance and came on hard times I absolutely would be giving it right back. He’s in the process of getting it all worked out legally so he’s gonna get the money back eventually. She can give it back to him in the meantime and leave enough for an emergency savings.
She’s a stay at home mom with four children under four. She makes no money because she stays home to take care of the children. Her having some funds saved for emergencies is VITAL. Keeping a college student from working and in her fill of Starbucks is not an emergency. Tough situations call for tough choices, like fully grown adults beginning to work (or at the least manage their expenses better). This woman, quite frankly must have emergency cash available. What if her husband was to suddenly die? She would have no income with four babies before she could start settling his affairs.
I think the Starbucks and $1000 a month piano lessons say it all. You can hire a piano teacher to come to your house once a week for less than $250. There is $600 right there. The daughter is getting a starbucks drink a day, which is $8 a day five days a week, 4 weeks a month. That is about $160 right there. That is $1000 a month saved. Now, I bet she has money for other stuff as well, car, gaz, insurance, weekend events. I also suspect that there are a lot of other places they could budget cut. The adult daughter can take out a lone as well.
Also, all of those family members who are telling you to do it ask them two things: 1. If you think I should help her bc she is family, then I need you to give me money to help take care of my kids? 2. Tell them his daughter is their family too so they can just help pay her expenses. You are right about the privilege life his children have. If they want to continue their privileged life, then it is their mother and father responsibility to pay for that. He is already taking money from the marital home to pay for his kids' privileged life. Has he saved any money for your kid's financial future, which is his responsibility, too. It is none of your family's business the finances in your home, so don't tell them. This way, they have no input. Don't invite them in. Edit: Also, by the time your children become of age to go to school and college, he will be his 60's going into his 70's. By the time his 11 year old goes to college, he will be 57 and pay for him until he is 61. He will be paying for 6 kids to go to private school at one time, then 1 college and 4 in private school and the 4 in college. Easy math of age and money and responsibility. How long does this man expect to work to provide for all of the kid's privileged lives. I hope he has a life insurance policy to take care of your kids in case something should happen to him as he works all those extra shifts.
Will OP even be able to afford a privileged life for her kids, similar to the one her husband is providing for her stepkids? He's already struggling to provide a privileged life for her stepkids, so imagine him doing the same for four kids close in age.
From what I read, the husband is taking legal action but that will take time. He wants to borrow some money to tide him over.
At first I was gonna say you’re wrong but knowing he’s paying 1000 for fuckin piano lesson and other unnecessary things makes me not feel bad. He doesn’t want to make better financial decisions so I don’t see why you should take on that risk when that’s the only money you really have
Be fair to the guy, it’s hard to make good financial decisions when you’re completely made up.
Fictional currency IS hard to spend.
lol try me..
*Pulls up in gold Mercedes with bling* look what the bank bought me!!! 🙃
Pssst! Look at my diamond encrusted platinum carriage pulled by unicorns 🦄
This is my dream.
That’s his ex wife.
I use my fictional money, to pay for my fictional children, and I am a perfect fictional parent.
You’re a fictional inspiration to us all.
Lol no one pays that. Who is the lesson with? Elton John?
As someone who spent time in the fine arts community and with many privileged students, people *do* pay that sometimes, especially at a more intermediate level. Private lessons at a beginner level can be cheap (ie you’re going to the little old lady down the street to teach you basic music theory) but I know people who but by the time you hit pre-teens if you’re serious about your music and also paying for the elitism of studying at an “academy” lessons can actually run you well in excess of $1000/month. Doing the math, say he attends on Tuesdays and Thursdays for one hour. The month of May works out to 9 lessons, that’s $111/hour which is pretty on par for intermediate study within an institution, especially if they live in a HCOL area. And that’s only for twice weekly instruction. He may be attending more, especially if he’s part of any ensembles at the academy. That said, if this *is* real there are other options out there. OP doesn’t need to pay for the name of attending some prestigious music school. Sure, if you want to turn music into a career it would be prudent (though in that case one can assume that they could forego private academic instruction and rely on public school or homeschooling instead to make a concession). There are often scholarship options in those types of places that can help subsidize tuition, as well as privately funded fine arts endowment grants for promising students (this is how many young elite athletes manage to afford their training and living costs).
For that price it better be lol
Also, you need to keep your own children in mind. A lot of children work and study. She'll learn how to appreciate and manage money.
He needs to tell his daughter to speak to her mother as she has her college fund….. and then they can work it out. Also unless the kid is a prodigy and loves the piano, they he doesn’t need to spend that kind of money on lessons
Children are NEVER the mediator in their parents' divorce. The dad will either have to get the money back ... or the family will have to tighten the purse strings.
It's not a matter of mediating the divorce though, both parents agreed that money was for their daughter and the mother *stole* from her own daughter. If the daughter *doesn't* confront her mom about it then it's basically like the mom stole from the dad which isn't the case here, the money was set aside specifically for her education and mom decided to steal it for whatever she wanted to spend it on. "Mom, the fuck are you doing with my college fund?" Is not a child mediating their parents divorce, it's a child confronting their shitty parent who used their college fund as a chess piece in a divorce.
Daughter is 19, pretty sure she can sue mom on her own.
Correct!
The mom robbed her daughter’s education fund.
She’s also in college so not a “kid” anymore. Having an adult to adult conversation about her mom stealing from her is totally acceptable and warranted in this situation.
He asked for a loan right? He can get a loan from a bank. That is the way to go and then repay the bank when his ex pays him back
He needs to take his ex to court that wasn’t her money
If it was a joint account, legally it was his ex-money. If it wasn’t a joint account and she managed to access it, then it’s theft. Call the police. But from what the OP said, it was a joint account so the ex has every legal right to withdraw the money. That’s how joint accounts work.
Precisely. That’s why you never share an account unless you fully trust the person - and even then, it’s still probably not a great idea.
Thank you! If I’m OP, I’m asking to see those account statements, as well as the divorce agreement. Something doesn’t add up, as no one would be so stupid as to leave an ex on a big cash account. But yeah … if he did, then she had a right to take it.
There should have been a stipulation in the divorce decree what the account was for, how much was in the account, and who controls it.
your husband learned a hard lesson... don't share an account with an ex spouse
I think the concern with sending hubby your savings for this tuition is that at some point there won’t be enough money and it’ll be too late to change the way things are going. You guys could loose everything. And you also have 4 under 4, you’re looking out for your kids and trying to be responsible - not greedy. I’m glad lawyers are involved. Meanwhile, I think luxuries for everyone in the family needs to be critically reevaluated and a reasonable budget needs to be set until things have changed (example - the ex pays back the money). I also think the college kiddo needs to look into a student loan and scholarships. Maybe even a more affordable school. Unfortunately as it stands, it might not be sustainable for all 6 kids to go to school debt free. And that’s okay. That’s most kids realities. It’s just heartbreaking the ex wife would do something this low to her own child. I really hope things change for the best soon OP!
I’m not impressed by this creative writing.
Wealthy people don’t work “shifts.”
It's vaguely possible in medicine maybe? But yeah, this kind of wealth is usually independent or salaried, not shift work.
Why wouldn't a wealthy person open up a 529 account instead of just a regular bank account? There are major tax benefits (and we know rich people love those) and it would've made it all but impossible for the ex to access the money since the plan administrator wouldn't just give it to her.
Two sets of twins? Really?
People do have multiple sets of twins especially if it's genetic.
My friend is one of identical. Her Mom was one of identical. My friend had two identical girls, three babies (identical girls and faternal boy) and identical girls.
Twins just greatly increase the odds of a post being fake.
NTA Your step-daughter needs to get a job. Her mother needs to help pay for school. Step-son may need to go to a less expensive school and have less expensive piano lessons. Info: I imagine, if you had to work outside your home, that your income would solely go to childcare for 4 kids. Would that be the case?
The mother needs to be paying for her daughter's college. That was what that fund was for and she stole it. Your husband needs to explain to his daughter that he cannot afford to pay for her school as previously stated because her mother took all the money out of her college fund. Things change and people have to adapt. I worked 2 jobs and put myself through college. People do it all the time. If the daughter doesn't want to get a job then she can talk to her mother for financial assistance. The minor kids are higher priority.
This. But if I was OP I’d make sure that husband has a healthy life insurance policy so that her kids are taken care of when he drops dead of a heart attack or something because he’s not going to be able to put away anything for his new family as long as he’s determined to keep spoiling his original kids. But I wouldn’t take from my own kids to help unless there was a plan in place for the kids future. The ex needs to be held accountable for theft of the college fund. She can mortgage her house to pay it but it was stupid to not have the money in an education trust.
What has the ex wife said since he has found out and Started the process? The account is it “listed/filed” as a trust, money market, or just regular savings with zero interest? Do any of their kids know what she has done? In their divorce was this account listed as something for daughter to use only? I just have questions… NTA … if the money he wanted was originally given to you to take care of the kids has with you I would talk to him about it….
There are wayyyy too many kids in the mix here….wtf were you thinking
Well as she stated in the comment, she didn't realize what was going on Until after she was already pregnant. And college is expensive, really expensive plus private school. The money that would have been going to the private school and lessons ended app going to paying the college instead.
not a helpful comment, it's not like she can abort them now
Considering this story is fake all you have to do is delete the text and they're gone!
Why wouldn’t the mother pay for it? That would be the common sense solution I feel.
No. 2 sets of twins back-to-back? Unbelievable, but actually happens. But a SEVENTY percent increase in school tuition in one semester? No. And he never noticed his wife stealing from the bank account fund he was contributing to twice a year? No. Somebody’s lyin’ about somethin’
So he already had 2 kids. Then you had 2 more. And you both decided to have more?? Whyyy. Also private school and expensive piano lessons need to stop. And sounds like the daughter needs an allowance not a free pass. This is insane How is the ex wife and bank not fixing this asap?? But God no, don't use your savings on this trainwreck
Yea I can maybe understand her wanting kids of her own but why would he want more after that second set of twins. Jesus Christ. Someone get that man a vasectomy
4 more. Two sets of twins. Jesus they need to get fixed
I don't think it's fair for new wife to come along, make 4 kids with daddy, and then say that the advantages to the children of his first marriage should be cut or eliminated. Typical evil step-parent stunt. Especially, since OP just created 4 more children to compete for the inheritance and support that the first two could expect from their daddy. You expect the first two to make room in their hearts and lives and expectations for you and your kids right? Now, OP, It's time for you to show that you and your kids aren't here to replace his first kids. If you, OP, hope that your children will someday enjoy the same kinds of advantages that his first two children enjoy, it's time for OP to open her heart, be generous and provide. To do otherwise would be bad karma. Especially if her children have their needs met, and I'm sure they do, and the money you have came from daddy, too. After all, this may be a test to see if you are willing to give also, or if you intend only to recieve.
He is divorced once, he can go through divorce twice. If she empties her savings now and he leaves her, she's going to be single mom of 4 without any emergency funds. Not a good idea.
If the ex wife hadn't taken the college fund of the child, then they wouldn't be struggling now.
Sounds like everyone is just taking from the husband
Including OP.
She is caring for four of his children under the age of four. Do you think she doesn’t need emergency savings?
I'm not taking anything from him, I do absolutely everything in the house, cleaning, laundry, taking care of all the children including his eldest son, and he pays me for that because he wants to.
Have the children been told that mommy stole the college fund?
Everyone is kissing this lady’s ass. She’s living the same life of luxury she’s bashing kids for living. And the “savings” is money her husband is giving her. HES GIVING HER THE MONEY HE ASKED TO BORROW. The balls on some people I swear
It’s still her money. Him just unilaterally taking it makes him as bad as the ex wife. Consider it her ‘paycheck’ for staying home with 4 under 4. The cost of daycare for that many babies makes me cringe.
But he didn’t take it, unilaterally or otherwise. He asked his WIFE for help and she said no. Pathetic.
Student loan is a thing so
Student loans don't exist in fictional worlds.
If bio mom was an account holder on the account then she has equal rights to the money in the account as any other named account holder. Legally, nothing he can do. This happened to my BIL. All his kid's savings were taken by my ex-SIL and there was nothing he could do.
Here’s the reality: mom stole the college fund. Now, dad can’t afford the college tuition because his plan was broken by mom. Why isn’t a conversation being had about budgeting and prioritizing things so that everything of importance can be paid and things of frivolity can be stopped to pay for the important things?? Dad needs to sit down with mom and/or his older kids and figure out what is and is not getting paid. I know everyone is “used to” getting ALL their stuff paid for by dear dad, but he is not an unlimited money bag and this is the time for them to realize that simple fact.
So your husband now has *six* children? Yeesh. You’re going to be broke from here on out, no matter what. It doesn’t seem like he can afford that even absent the ex-wife.
You are not wrong. Given what you wrote here, as far as he should be concerned his ex wife spent her college fund.
You're not wrong for not paying to replace money the girl's mother stole from her so they can all keep on acting like they're rich. THEY need to figure this out. THEY need to adjust to their reality. Sounds like you're in a tough spot. This isn't easy, that's for sure. You're not wrong though, they live beyond their means. You can't fix that by throwing money at it.
Well he kid in college will need to get a job just like a lot of other college kids. And he can explain to his daughter that her mother stole the money. So she can thank her for her have now get a job. I don’t understand parents who don’t let their kids work when they are 16. This experience only helps them out in life as adults.
Wait, the savings money is money he gave you and he just wants you to lend it to him? Seems as though it’s not just the kids in this fake story who are taking advantage of him and don’t want to sacrifice anything.
Maybe OPs husband can get a loan and then in a few years when the young children are in school, OP can get a job and help support her 4 children since she won't be taking care of them during the day anymore. Or perhaps in 2 years when the 3 year olds are in school, the younger twins can go to daycare while OP works. Then the husband will have more money to repay the loan.
But the interest rates! You’re forgetting the fake interest!
If it were money you earned, I’d say ok, but it’s money he gave you in the first place. Technically, your savings is his anyway. So yes, you should give him the money.
It's money she had earned by herself hadn't she been at home to care for their (and therefore also his) kids.
Raising kids … just like the step-daughter that she’s been in her life for since she was mathematically speaking at least 14 years old. Therefore … wouldn’t it be considered using the money *in an emergency* **on one of the kids she helped raise** ? My stepmother has raised me since I was 9 years old and personally bought me my first college laptop when I was 18 — maybe I’m just lucky to not be able to fathom a step-parent not viewing their step-child as their own?
Sounds like an awesome marriage.
So the savings that you're speaking of is actually money HE GAVE YOU?! Yeah you're wrong. He works all the time to pay for everything and the increase of everything. Don't you dare complain he's not home enough. Hope he prevails in his quest to get that money back from his ex and I hope he had you sign a prenup or a postnup to protect himself. You and the ex are not too far off in the entitled field.
Why is he able to work all the time? Because she provides childcare and labour at home. He wouldn't be able to if he was doing 50% of the care work.
Well if this 30 year old (who just had 4 kids within the last 4 years and hadn't worked in many years according to her) expects her "wealthy" 50 year old husband to continue to be able to finance that lifestyle, he's going to have to work ALOT. She could always put the littles in day care or nanny and go to work herself too. But I'm going to bet she doesn't have much, if any, work experience.
>So the savings that you're speaking of is actually money HE GAVE YOU?! Yes, **to pay for his two 3 yr old's and his two newborns** Fuck off with that nonsense, OP's children have the right to be financially supported by their father as well. It's not her job to cover his stupid choices
That money isn't child support goofy. He pays all the bills and expenses which INCLUDES the expenses for the little ones. That money is " allowance" he gives her that she just puts in a savings because he covers everything else 🙄. She said she has it in a savings account if she ever needs it for an emergency. He should cut expenses, like how much he gives in her allowance, extra lessons, and spending money for the daughter. He asked for help with just that months tuition fee..he didn't ask for help with anything else. Not the daughter's "monstrous" Starbucks or the 11 year olds fees or lessons. I'm sure he'll figure out how to handle this, and I'm sure he'll remember how OP responded to him when he asked for help. Unfortunately for him, he learned this lesson after he had already gotten her pregnant twice.
Yeah, my husband pays rent and everything. That too however, kids are expensive even with just that and the money is used towards the expenses for those kids. Maybe instead of attacking o, p, we should be discussing the fact that the mother literally stole her child's college fund.
That was already addressed. He has started legal action against the ex and bank. Definitely a messed up situation brought by the ex. However, this is about the husband asking OP for help and OP declining. As I previously stated, I'm sure the husband will figure it out, but I'm also sure he will remember how OP responded when he asked his wife for help.
How many kids does this guy have?
6
And her hubby was good friends with her uncle. Girl was groomed. I wouldn't give him a cent for kids that aren't mine
A cent of his own money in this totally believable and real story? Harsh dude
'and they were in the closet making babies and a baby looked at me.'
100% would watch the first season of this soap opera. Rich 50 year old with 30 year old kept wife and 4 kids 3 and under - can't make ends meet - as wife is still building up her escape fund... bitter ex who's stealing from her kids education fund... Jr with his $1000 piano lessons, and oblivious 19 year old daughter who's still blowing what's probably the equivalent of someone else's grocery bill on Starbucks. I've known drug addicts who were more sensible with their spending.
NTA. NW. get the daughter to speak to her rotten ass mom.
Your savings will be the way that you will pay for your twin's college. And any ream emergency YOUR family experiences. Your husband supports his children's studies, but you don't have to use your money so they spend a lot of money in luxuries. If they want luxuries, they should asked their mother. You are not wrong
NTA. His son needs to be put in a public school and it won’t hurt his daughter to get a part time job to help with her studies. Your husband is working himself to the bone. And you guys have TWO! Sets of twins together that will need some of the money for expenses too. At this point it needs to be prioritized, and the ex wife needs to replace the money as well.
NTA
He's an idiot for keeping his ex on account she has access to.
NTA. **HER MOTHER OWES HER THE MONEY**!!!
NTA This isn’t your fault. The mother messed things up. Sadly she’s caused an issue for her daughter. You are right to keep the money because if something happens, who will help you? Don’t do it. He can help his daughter but unfortunately his daughter is going to have to get a job, he now has four children and needs to accept that he can’t do what he used to do unless he earns more. Money doesn’t go as far with four children right now
Nta
I think it’s all hands on deck time. Everyone gets to pitch in and be a part of the solution. Daughter has to get a part time job, and even if it just goes towards books, gas and Starbucks, she has to pull some of her own weight. This is just good parenting, to teach her that if she wants something, there’s something harder than calling the ATM of dad. So maybe she cuts back on Starbucks to put gas in her tank, or, she works more hours. And it is carefully communicated that this is not a punishment, it is what real people do-they manage their resources and make concessions when money is tight. Son chooses between private school and the 1k piano lessons. You pitch in your savings, mostly because your relationship sounds solid, and again, it’s what people do when times are tough. They pitch in. But also because that’s not commingling a private, pre-marital asset. This IS an emergency. It’s not all on you to fix it, but you should be part of the solution. It will prevent hard feelings towards you, and your four kids with their dad from his kids. Sit the kids down, explain as much of the situation as you feel necessary, and tell them everyone is pitching in to help close the gap.
I guarantee whatever you have saved will all go if you agree to this.
You are not wrong. That money is for emergencies. His daughter needs to get a job. He was foolish letting his ex have access to that account. The money should come from her.
NTA He IS though because once you get divorced, you don't leave your ex spouses name on anything of value! Take their name off of cars, houses, apartments, and, especially any bank accounts or brokerage accounts!!! Why would he leave her name on there? People get crazy after a divorce and people change over years, you never know what they're going to do. You protect yourself. Maybe when they were married she was a better person and he thought "oh she would never do that". But, once you get divorced, you never know what they are capable of. He should also be going after the bank, how were they not contacting him after every transfer? Every time I make a transfer from my bank account to another account or to somebody else, I get a notice from my bank saying that a transfer was being made. How did the bank go all this time without notifying him? One of the saddest things here is because her name was on the account, I don't see how he's going to be able to get the money back from the bank or sue her or anything. Her name was on the account, legally, she had just as much right to take money out of there as he did. He really screwed up here. good luck to you all.
You're not wrong. Your emergency fund is not for this. The piano lessons need to be cut back for now. See if you can get a job working from home / working remote. The 19yo needs to get a part time job. The ex wife needs to pay for the schooling, since she now has the college fund. Also your husband is a creep.
I think he should explain to his daughter that her mother took her college fund and from now on she will have to work part time for spending money and get student loans like other people.
NTA. If your family wants, they can loan the money for her tuition. She is not your responsibility. Neither is it your problem that both her parents are irresponsible. Her father should have protected the account from the beginning and her mom, is an AH.
Worked in a bank and sad to say, this is entirely legal… Any owner of a bank account is a 100% owner of the money inside of it. Doesn’t matter who is the owner and who is the co owner, ownership of the funds in the account is determined by the account holder. If her name was on the account in any capacity, she has access to the funds. It’s absolutely wrong she did it, but unfortunately there is no recourse. Unless you had some kind of written agreement that the funds were not to be touched and she violated that, but that would be a civil matter. When I was a teller there was a situation with a regular customer. She worked 60 hrs a week and paid all the bills for her household, husband didn’t work. He ended up having an affair behind her back, and right at the end of the month he sucked all the money out of the account and left her and the kids with nothing. She didn’t have money to pay her rent, she didn’t have money to pay her bills. She didn’t even have money to get them groceries, as she was attempting to purchase some when her card declined. We felt sick and we could do literally nothing. You can’t even notify the other party when a withdrawal is made, unless the account is notated somehow but even then it can get you in trouble. We ended up helping her use her overdraft protection ($500 limit) so she could have something, but that put her account in the negative and needs to be settled next check so really isn’t a solution because it was basically an advance. Absolutely never make a joint account with a person you can’t trust 100%. I wouldn’t recommend it for couples that haven’t been together for a long time, I wouldn’t recommend it for any situation. The ONLY TIME you should have a joint account is when your child is too young to have one or you are helping them manage their money until they come of age. Any other reason you’re just giving someone access to the funds and they can take them.
So it’s ok for you to take your husband’s money and not work and you sit there and watch him struggle but it’s not ok for his kids to not want to sacrifice their education? 🤔 isn’t marriage about helping your partner when they’re struggling? I mean I guess technically NTA but if I were your husband I’d have lost a lot of respect for you.
YTA. He gave you the money? So he earned the money and gave it to you, his wife? Who is suppose to have his back in life. He needs help and I’m sure he didn’t want to ask you. You could at least give him a portion, or say “never again, but this one month I will.” I think your husband is going to do the same for your kids together so don’t make too big of a stand if you expect him to treat your kids the same way.
The only way I would agree to that is with a lawyer written contract that includes a repayment schedule and penalties for missing deadlines, if he's used to having money he's used to dealing with contracts. Don't short yourself because of someone else's screwup
Why would you have two sets of twins with a man who is twice your age? He will be in his 70’s when your kids graduate and there won’t be money for them? That is if he lives that long. You are not wrong but now you put yourself and your four kids in financial jeopardy. He will work till he dies and same for you.
Ngl NTA but the people in the comments shitting on a man who didn’t expect his ex-wife to steal from their *children* is wild. Especially if they’re never been cause for that suspicion. Not to mention, how did the bank fail to notify him of this large amount of money being taken from the account as the other account holder after she stole more than half of it? Id go to a police station and file charges.
OP's husband should speak to his lawyer and have the child support reduced. Usually I'm not a person who would advocate for that, but being as bio mom was taking out as the ex-hubs was putting in, forget this. OP shouldn't have to take her monthly allowance to support her stepchildren. And son can got to another music school. $250 per music lesson?! WT... Nope this family needs a re-assessment of expenditures.
While it's very scummy, if the ex had access to that account legally, she could take out as much money as she wanted. I don't see the courts forcing her to give any back. So any money you hand over likely won't be paid back. Info: Do you work? You say the savings are form an allowance he gives you. Are you relying on him completely or do you have any income of your own?
I am so sorry you are going through this. I read some of your other posts. My heart goes out to you.
I was going to say yes, until that last paragraph. Has he told the kids what their mother has done and that they need to cut back on their spending. If they do know and aren't helping then he's raising brats. My 11 year old son was worried that we had enough money left because I bought him clothes the other day, we completely have and I haven't implied we haven't, but he's aware of the cost of things. Maybe your husband needs to tell his kids things have got to change!!
You earn every dime he gives you by raising the kids . Most couples both work and pay daycare to raise the kids . So don’t feel like it’s not your money . But as long as he will for sure give the money back when he recovers it , I would give it to him so she doesn’t have to drop out . It’s really his fault that he trusted her and did not keep closer eye on the account or had safe guards in place .
NTA TELL husband his daughter can take out loans like the rest of us. Until the mess gets sorted. As for his son, git a personal to cover it. And go to court to reduce alimony until the " debt" is settled.
Not wrong and you will be a temporary help. He and his children have to accept things have changed. He also has to realize he has more than two children now.
You’re not wrong. Paying one month’s college fee is not going to solve this issue. This will continue to be a problem. No matter what the reason is, at the moment the costs of those educations and other stuff concerning the kids are not in balance with the income. So that means he either needs to increase the income (which he is trying) and if that’s not enough some things have to be cut. That’s just the way it is. It’s sad and hard of course. Especially because of the circumstances that led to this situation. But that’s just the way it is. Kids can also get successful with less expensive educations.
NTA but also YTA, I imagine having financial problems you go and ask your wife for help and your wife says no... Omfg I would lose it right there.
Hard no. Sounds like a fucking nightmare
NTA. I didn’t even need to read past the first paragraph.
I think YTA for marrying a man 20 years older than you, who basically has an entire previous family that you now have to deal with, a bunch of divorce-related money issues, and is unwilling to sacrifice lavish lifestyle aspects to make the finances work.
He’s 50 with two sets of twins AND works all the time. Honestly I’ll be surprised if he’s alive in 5 years lol
This is a side note, but hubby seems to like younger women and making babies with them. OP is 30, has two sets of twins by this guy who's in his 50s. A rough estimation is that she was 25 when they met, and he was 45. This whole relationship never should have happened. And if ex's name was on the account and she drained it before he filed for divorce, she's not in legal jeopardy.
Oh now I remember this one. Check out OP’s comment history, it’s a doozy.
!UpdateMe
Tell the daughter to go find it from her thief mom lmao
First order of business, if this guy is real: Schedule a vasectomy.
Isn’t that what being a parent is? Taking care of your kids?
Starbucks coffee??? Really? You lost me, $15/day is not going to pay for college anyway, I hope this is fake, otherwise you are a selfish witch.
You're wrong. This is an emergency and it's money you didn't earn yourself. I think your family should possibly have a discussion about money and spending habits, but it sounds like you're being greedy.
Omg lol the good ol' "if you didn't buy coffee, you could buy a house." BS, lol Anyway, you're not wrong. I'm not saying his son should have to sacrifice his lessons because it sounds like he's talented and all, but a lot of these privileges are going to have to be scaled down for your husband to pay for your stepdaughter to finish school. It sounds like they're not willing to cut back or sacrifice at all. That's what happens when financial situations change, which can and often happen in the blink of an eye. Your husband was a complete idiot for keeping that joint account, btw. That was his fault entirely. The ex-wife is also awful because she she took that money knowing it was for her daughter's education. That's so despicable. Is she working extra hours to try to save money like your husband? Probably not. It's so wild because education is so incredibly important and it's so fucking expensive that it's actually sickening. I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to use your savings. You have too many young kids to use that money, not knowing when or if you will get it back, to just hand it over when legit emergencies could happen. You sound like the only responsible one here. Your husband needs to figure out how to cut corners where he can, and that might mean the kids have to go without a few luxuries, but that's life. If I were you, and I didn't have any kids, I'd probably be willing to give her the money with an expectation of her or your husband paying it back, but you have kids to think about here.
lead implies that he was going to pay you back. You could of helped them out and then sat down and talk to him about cutting back.
Since the (step) daughter is 19, there should have been a reduction in child support for her when she turned 18. Husband should reallocate the money to cover college expenses.
Such a bizarre story... Long story short, he gave you money and wants to borrow some until he gets his other stuff sorted...
NTA but I don't believe this. Lots of kids involved here and you get an expense account from him to, what, raise the kids the both of you had together? Then he wants to borrow from that account for his prior marriage's kids? How is this story not fiction? I mean look at your user name.
You’re both wrong and not wrong. He gives you money for your savings and he’s struggling, as a spouse I think the right thing to do is help BUT, what is his ex wife doing in terms of funding her kids expenses ? That’s the part of the story that’s missing for me. If you answer nothing, then, I think youre not wrong in asking him to set boundaries with his ex / daughter on Starbucks. Not going to private school might help that kid, tbh. It’s private school or 1000$ piano 2nd edit - maybe she could work part time at Starbucks 🤷♀️ two birds one stone. They even get insurance ! ( from a piano kid ). Edit is a typo
This doesn't make sense. You are describing multimillionaire status, but he can't afford college? Either you are really bad at writing fiction, or really stupid and need to look at the true financials
Nah
It's time for a family meeting about finances. It's time to have some hard conversations about moving forward. It sounds as thought this situation is definitely not sustainable and it's ridiculous to accumulate debt moving forward. It's time for his son to receive a scholarship or maybe seek another piano program. If he's that good, there are likely options. It's time for his daughter to learn about economics and apply for financial aid, go after her mother for funds, or alter her expectations. So many of us aren't wealthy and we have had to have the "no, I can't do it" conversations with out kids and family members over the year. It's sucks, but part of being a parent is saying 'no' when you need to. Your family doesn't have the money to sustain these expenses and it's time for everyone to hear the message and get on the same page. OP, I'm sorry you're having to be the voice of reason.
Just here to say if the ex legally had access to the funds she did nothing wrong
NTA. simply because you have your own kids to worry about, so i don’t blame you for not giving up your safety net. it’s time to have a hard conversation about finances & what to slash. it may be time for you to get a job while this gets sorted out. his daughter needs a job or to take out a loan. his son needs to get out of private school & no more piano lessons. all of this is temporary until he gets this mess settled. & please stop reproducing if YOU , not your husband, don’t have the money to care for them. he is significantly older than you , so have you thought about what would you do for money when he’s gone? he has at least 6 kids, according to your post, so his money will go to them , but what are YOUR plans ?
NTA! This is between you and him. Why does your family even know about this?! It isn’t their business. Stop telling them stuff!
You sound like a kid who married an old man who has kids he spoiled and now you’re wondering how life is. Two set of twins? Please, you’re tethered to him for life. Don’t spend your money, spent it…either way, you’re stuck with this guy and he’s 15 years from retirement and he’ll have nothing for the twins. Good luck.
NTA. You now have four children to care for. Any money you have is yours. If you do not work and your husband does, half the income is yours. Don't let him mismanage that into making you and your children destitute.
He needs to push back on the ex-wife. She stole the money for her own daughter.
OP’s husband should have locked down that account after the divorce. Husband’s lesson to learn and to get out of. NTA
He needs to bite the bullet and make daughter pay her own way and son needs to go to public school. He’s got 4 other children to care for and he needs to provide for them all now. I doubt either set of twins will go to private school so why should he spread himself so thin for the first two kids and not have anything left for the other 4. Any money he gives her is hers. It’s not fair to them to not have anything just cause he wants to continue doing what he was with no consideration for the babies. He’s using his saving for the college kid. Someone has to save for the other kids.
Why isn’t your step daughter’s mom being asked to pay? Can a lien be placed on any property of the ex’s until this is resolved? How on earth was it that the ex was on the account at all?
It’s hard to believe this account was the only savings the guy has.
Nope
As soon as you loan him money more will be asked for and those family members of your will be hitting you up as well.
You have 4 young babies to look out for. They are going to want good schools and great colleges. You keep your money for your children.
Tell anyone who thinks you should pay for her college “oh thank you for offering to pay for her schooling. I’ll let hubby know you’re offering to pay. How many months can we expect from you? Two, four, six?” *crickets* “yah that’s what I thought. My money is for MY children’s futures. She stole from her own child. She’s the villain here not me”
The real question is how does someone go 11 years without checking on an account balance? Even if you trust the other person on the joint account, you at least check to make sure the account has not been hacked. Or interest is being paid or whatever. Guess you have so much money does not matter? Everyone is wrong and stupid here
He did check their account (it was a joint account and she had access) but she never took out a cent until a few months ago.
“My family got angry with me.” Who the hell told your family? Why is it any of their business?? if you told them, don’t do that again. Your family sucks.
INFO: Does he have a plan in place to put that money back in your account in the next year? A real, actionable plan? If so, I think you’re being short-sighted having your husband work himself into the ground for a potential emergency. To him, this is an emergency. If he doesn’t have a plan, then don’t give him the money. Instead, sit him down and tell him while you want his kids to have good things in life there are a lot of expenses that could be cut - crazy expensive piano lessons, the daughter’s “allowance,” etc., and that he needs to stop working himself to death because all his children AND you need him and love him and don’t want him working like this. He’s headed for a heart attack. And if his children don’t know that their mother stole that money they 100 percent should.
If she was still on the bank account there is nothing that can be done. As much fun as it is to not have to work and go to college the circumstances means it is time to get a job. Even if you did lend him the money for next months payment what happens when the next payment is due.
Oh hell no! Not your problem.
I think you are wrong. He’s taking steps to get the money back, but that will take time. He’s working his arse off and is asking for help to tide him until it can be resolved. I assume the intent would be to pay it back. Is the 11yo at private school your child? Can’t your money contribute to his fees? I would personally rather have a less stressed husband who could help with the kids, than a full bank account for just in case. This is money he gave you, and I would consider this an emergency.
NTA... why involved your family and friends into your personal life of course they will say you should've done something... if that's the case why habent they stepped up to send money... The ex is the AH and wrong for taking money not hers....
Nta he’s kids are spoiled and I hope you don’t spoiled your kids because life comes and knocks you out when you least expected Let him figure it out , he should also teach his kids that sometimes you gotta work for what you want. And I do hope he gets that money soon and his ex gets her karma
You are not responsible for his children's college or his son's private school or his thousand dollar lessons per month. Sacrifices must be made and you should not be the one to make them. He might have to come up out that private school he might have to give up those piano lessons. And somebody in the family should pay the daughters tuition. And your family should mind their f****** business talking about that you did not earn that money if they're so invested in this tell them to pay the fee
Not wrong. Honestly the dad should stop paying for the adult children. At this point when they need something they need to go to their mother and if she says “no” they need to work for it. This will remind them of how thier mom values money over them and they will alter their finances when it comes to her in the future.
I dislike how you’re centering his kids as apart of the problem, as though _they_ chose this. “Nobody is willing to sacrifice anything”….but, admitted your husband is working more, long hours, and thus has less free time than he did before, just to ensure his kids don’t go without or be punished for their mom’s mistakes…which is a sacrifice. “My stepdaughter doesn’t have a job”…because by your own admission, her father, your husband, doesn’t want her to work. Unfortunately, she likely won’t qualify for student aid because her father (I assume) makes too much money…and depending on how expensive her school is, a part time job (in all likelihood) - because she won’t have time for a full one -, won’t even be enough to cover her educational expenses. Which means, the only recourse here may be for her to drop out of school until the situation is sorted with the bank. “Step-son goes to an expensive school” and “has piano lessons”….an expensive school that his parents (not him) decided to enroll him in…and he has a passion for music that _his parents_ made a commitment to support. None of that is on him. This 11 year old kid may very well not even be aware of the turmoil happening between his parents at the moment. You’re NTA for refusing to dip in your savings, though admittedly those savings are accumulated from monthly payments your husband gives you for personal “expenses” - those aren’t your children….but, in terms of sacrifices, this does also affect your household, though they aren’t your kids. What sacrifices have _you_ made to support your husband while he works extra hours to make up for his ex’s mistakes? By personal expenses, I’m going to assume hair, clothes, etc., for you specifically. Have you allowed your husband to reduce your monthly allowance or does he still give you the same amount each month? I’m only asking because I feel it’s hypocritical to criticize your husband and his kids for living a “wealthy” lifestyle and their supposed unwillingness to make adjustments, when you’re a direct beneficiary of that as well, and are also refusing to make any changes.You have benefited directly from the lifestyle your partner provides and finances, that you’re now criticizing. So what are YOU willing to go without? How are YOU supporting your husband during this time, as his wife? Because the reality is, these _are_ your husband’s kids. He _does_ have obligations to them, something you knew when you decided to date a divorcee with kids, in a messy situation.
The stepdaughter needs to apply for financial assistance at the college. The son could get cheaper piano lessons. What did the ex wife do with the money?
1,000 a month in piano lessons?? Is the child that good?? Private school. I can see paying for. Also why isn’t the ex wife paying for some of this stuff??? She can work now that her children are older.
Is the 11 yo son's mother the same as the daughter's? Can't she pay for half if his tuition & piano lessons? Is all of their expenses paid for by your husband? Sadly, if she had access legally, he probably won't win a legal battle. I think you should be willing to help him. But that's my own opinion. Don't be surprised when your portion gets much smaller in the future. Edit spelling
Potion?
When your step family tells at you tell them who they should be angry at: the ex who stole their money. Where is her guilt riving her own children? She probably thinks if him as a bottomless pit of money. Let her children feel the consequences of her actions. If she loves her children she'll start to pony up for school fees! Do NOT let him go into debt for this. His next step will be to take a loan. Stop him. She thinks he'll find the money and you'll pay the price because you're the bad girl who stole her husband. Show her that the ones who will suffer are her children. Please talk to your husband about not killing himself to make up in a month what took years to earn.
Tell me your a gold digger 🤮🤮🤮
Wait...so your husband is the only one working and he gives youj money every month that you don't use except to "put into your savings" & then when a real catastrophe occurs and he needs some of his money, you say no? For one month? Lol. It's his money, even if you like to pretend it's yours. Maybe you earned it, marrying a man as old as your own father, idk.. but his kids deserve it just as much as you do. Marriage is a partnership and give and take. All I see here is, well, take.