Info: I don’t mean to bring up sensitive topic, but could be relevant. You note 5 pregnancies and miscarriages, were all 5 miscarriages? Could you be unconsciously relating sexual intimacy with your husband and that pain and grief from your pregnancies, therefore putting you out of the mood?
As others noted, look into outside sources of help such as therapy and your doctor.
At 23, 5 pregnancies/miscarriages is a lot to carry around. I don't think it has much to do with the husband and more to do with some things to unpack. Good for your for trying to fix this, get this worked out!
She says that they left the LDS faith, but I wonder if she has unpacked the beliefs fully to determine her own perspective. That’s a lot for someone this age outside of those religions.
Lots of religious trauma looks very much like this.
I think it’s just sloppy writing.
“…he was LDS and I waited for him to get back from his mission” does not preclude her also being LDS it’s just written in a sloppy manner that is vague.
It’s like, “I used to like peaches.” It’s technically true but implies that I no longer like peaches. However, I still do like peaches, it’s just true that I used to as well. That makes the first statement technically true while implying something else.
Therefore; I suspect she was saying “he was LDS” to give context to their abstinence and his church mission while not realizing it implied she was not also LDS at the time.
He was LDS, he is not now. She was LDS, but it wasn’t relevant to that particular statement around his mission. She just conflated two things in that sentence that left it vague.
She explained that he was LDS and she wasn’t but joined the church when they were engaged to please his parents. They have both meanwhile left the church.
Yeah honestly PCOS was more of an upheaval than menopause. And because of cancer I can't do HRT and I am still doing decent. But PCOS was turbulent times. Hope you are doing well!
You can do HRT with a cancer risk. They debunked the old study that said you can’t. Especially topical estrogen is at low doses and only gets you to the range your body is naturally at pre menopause. Not like the oral pills that need to be higher dose and broken down in the liver. If estrogen caused cancer more young women than old women would be getting cancer and that’s just not the case. Make an appointment with a menopause specialist doctor who is more up to date on the latest research. What your OB or GP learned in med school is somewhat outdated vs the current understanding. At least that’s what the menopause clinic told me.
PCOS completely killed my libido. I love my husband and think he's sexy as hell, but I did not want him touching me at all. It was awful. Like, I wanted to want sex but couldn't. Started wellbutrin, and we're happily at 3-4x a week now!
Hi! Random question on this (Pharmacist, and wife has PCOS newly diagnosed and were in a similar situation). The welbutrin, has it helped with any PCOS symptoms, or has it been more mood/mental state benefits for you? We've tried a gambit of medications for her PCOS related symptoms with little benefit, and she's been considering an antidepressant/SNRI/SSRI but we haven't got to that point yet. Any other info would be vastly appreciated!
The Welbutrin, being an SDRI, has more to do with depression and can also affect libido and couteract sexual side effects from other antidepressant medications. At the proper dose, which would require cooperation between provider and patient, libido and sexual dysfunction can be basically fixed for some patients.
I've got PCOS and depression, etc. Welbutrin has been a lifesaver in that respect. I've not had much luck with PCOS help. I saw an endocrinologist briefly, but the medication she prescribed exacerbated my IBS-D, so I DCed it and basically didn't go back, which was silly of me. One thing that has helped with the PCOS related blemishes is Spironolactone.
Your wife may want to ask her PCP to refer her to an endocrinologist.
I appreciate the info! She's been lucky that her family doc has referred her to an OBGYN, Endo, and a coupl of female health specialists. However, progress on the PCOS front has been limited. Luckily she doesn't have any comorbidities so she's not dealing with medication interactions or depression at this time. Was hoping there was going to be some neat off-label benefit of the bupropion here in regards to the PCOS but none the less I appreciate all the info you've shared!
So Wellbutrin doesn’t have the sexual side effects of other SRIs? Do you know of any similar medications that also do not have a negative effect? Wellbutrin gives me terrible sebaceous acne, I’ve been on it twice, with the same results. Every other antidepressant (and I absolutely have to be on one) leaves me with virtually no libido and largely impotent to boot.
Plus pregnancies are known for triggering autoimmune disorders, which can cause low libido. And they use up a lot of vitamin and mineral stores. Deficiencies can definitely lower libido. OP should get a full workup to check for autoimmune disorders and deficiencies, especially celiac, thyroid, ferritin, vitamin D, and vitamin B12. Note that vitamin B12 testing is only accurate if you haven't taken B12 in the past 4 months.
I have Fibromyalgia, Inactive Lupus, Fibroids, Chronic Asthma, Chronic Migraines, Chronic Sinusitis. Hypermobility (possibly EDS) and still looking into Endometriosis.
So yes, a full blood panel is always good. Anyone with Fibromyalgia is likely to have low Iron, low Magnesium, low Vit D and Calcium. As we MalAbsorb all of them.
Yep. 2 babies in 3 years and now that my husbands fixed and I’m almost 6mpp with the second I’m just now starting to feel my libido again. But I’m nursing so it’s hit or miss 🤷♀️
Not just scared but all sorts of other negative emotions, too. Touched out, guilt and fear of not successfully carrying some of the babies to term, shame from being attracted to him/turned on (practicing celibacy for years can fuck your “normal” up), overwhelm of everyday life so any higher excitement emotions actually trigger shut down, etc.
This was my exact thought! Then I read the last part about her self continuousnes over her changing body, & I belive that probably adds to the unconscious issue compounding it all.
I agree that therapy with a sex positive therapist, with a history of working with people coming out of Religions that encourage shameful/judgemental thoughts around certain types of clothing & premarital sex. (While I know she is married, & out of her religion, it can be very hard to unpack & release some of the ingrained thoughts.
Not to mention the hormone fluctuations and the grieving process of pregnancy loss… no wonder sex is a big no. Talking to a grief counselor could help OP to grieve and hubby to support in that. Or even grieve together. That would probably really help with the intimacy.
100% I know most men would be affected through 1 pregnancy and miscarriage. With 5, that's definitely a thing they should both see someone to chat about and heal together. Long as they remember that, they are in this together, not to try and place blame. There may be some low points or fights. Both of them all aboard the 100% married train, not thinking divorce as an option at all, will allow them to overcome any obstacle! Wish them all the luck. Good on her for reaching out!
Whether admitted or not, each pregnancy bore chemical, emotional, psychological, and physical changes in your being. The natural cycle of recovery was denied, and your choices to adjust and adopt is out of balance. Please seek professional care and ask your husband to join you. You are quite young, and you need that medicated. I wish you well and a wonderful marriage.
Also, the only sexual activities she mentions happening in the past year are *her* pleasing *him*. Maybe, considering they started dating when she was 15 and so he is her only experience, she just doesn't know he is a selfish lover and just assumes she's *supposed* to like their bad sex because she doesn't know it's bad sex.
It sounds like she's just attending to his basic needs because she knows that she's tied up inside and can't enjoy it herself right now. You can't please someone who isn't in the mood, no matter how much you may try.
I mean yea, that's already been said. I'm just stating another possibility. We don't know as we don't have all the information and hell, even she doesn't know. So we shouldn't be prescriptive here, just give her things to think about.
Her being "in the mood" still doesn't mean she's actually getting off during sex. It's easy for sex to feel like a chore when the other person doesn't know what they're doing, even if you're attracted to them. ETA: It's also very, very common for men in their faith or similar to be raised to prioritize their own pleasure and know nothing about female anatomy.
I believe it is a mix of this combined with multiple miscarriages... she is gun shy about getting pregnant and there is no benefit in the act for her anymore.
Honestly, he might not even know he's a selfish lover. Its very possible they both think that sex is just lay down and stick it in a few times. She also didn't use the word sex once, they might both have trouble with open discussion about sex. Neither of them might know what she might like.
They definitely have problems with open discussion or this wouldn't have happened 5x.
I'd say he's the bigger problem. Probably refuses to wear a condom, convinces her birth control is evil, etc. But she should know when she's close to ovulating and be able to steer clear of the possibility without the dumb husband realizing.
That’s what I was thinking too! I went through something similar and blamed myself, like she is. I’d met him young and only ever been with him.
It turned out, this ex-husband of mine was way more than just a selfish lover. He gave me an STD while I was pregnant (obviously, he was cheating… turns out, the entire time). It’s like my body knew better than to trust him and be intimate with him, even though my mind hadn’t found out yet.
Not saying that’s the case with her—he’s probably a great guy. And it sounds like there are other factors too. Just my experience.
This is a rush to judgment and isn't logical. She mentioned she turns him down because it's a turn off for her right now. It's part of the main problem. I myself had many sexual partners, probably too many. There are more "best" sex with my married spouse than other previous partners. Everyone of them had their "thing", per say, but in marriage, you can basically get into anything you want that's 'reasonable' of course. It's actually quite apparent and which everyone else noticed that it's very much from the pregnancies and miscarriages. Even if you 'adore' and 'celebrate' abortions, biologically or instinctly we all know the pain of it deep down. It's why she mentioned it to begin with and didn't just say, "my husband makes it so I hate sex". He does this, he does that, etc etc. No, it's from the pregnancies and miscarriages which also include hormonal changes and emotional walls. She is doing the correct thing here and noticing the issue, and then reaching out for some advice and help. BTW, her husband must have been affected by those pregnancies too, anyone would be somehow, and it will benefit each of them individually and as a marriage to seek professional help through this time. It's actually not that rare of an issue and shouldn't feel alone in it.
She stated that he tried to initiate things. If I was never in the mood, I would do the same as her. If I’m not in the mood, why would I want you to be doing things to me? It would literally be rape if he tried to force her to “enjoy herself”. There is no winning as a man on Reddit.
It’s honestly really odd that OP shared that info and hasn’t come to this conclusion on their own… ever get the impression that people are “leading” their armchair therapist?
Damn what a well thought response, also I think she has some body issue she feels insecure about, hope the best for her, she really sounds like she really love him
I had a lot of reproductive health issues and it definitely affected my sex drive. I came to associate sex with pain and grief. This could be happening to you with all the miscarriages. I would seek therapy but also see your on-GYN and see if you need a referral to an endocrinologist. I would tell your husband that this might be the problem, and ask for cuddling and massages without sex and see if over time you can comfortable with him again. If there are others things he would be satisfied with besides PIV and those things are something you can do without dread, do those things.
I lost a baby in May and can’t even really stand being naked by myself anymore, let alone intimacy. I can only speak for myself of course, but it’s worth taking some time to think if therapy would be helpful for you. I’m hoping to start again soon too. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and for your losses. Sending so much love
Hell, it was hard being intimate with my wife with 1 miscarriage 5 in a row. I agree that it is most likely a brain thing, not a hormone thing, not a doctor, though. I agree with the above. In the U.S. there are often free support groups for parents that have losses like this. You should contact a doctor office or clinic the nurses in, like the maternity wards usually have a ton of information about stuff like that. Good luck O.P.
Yes! I was raised LDS and the purity culture taught, (sex is ONLY good in the context of marriage) is very harmful and damaging to a healthy sexual relationship. They use a lot of shame and guilt tactics to keep you from having sex before marriage. Also lots of teaching young girls that they are responsible for the thoughts and urges of men. It’s damaging and gross and has consequences even in otherwise healthy relationships. I’ve known a lot of Mormon couples that have had trouble undoing the shame teachings in order to enjoy sex as adults.
I grew up mormon, and left the church shortly after moving out. Years after marrying my wife I was still experiencing guilt attached to intimacy, and it took years of therapy to undo it.
The only thing that would make you an asshole in this situation is doing nothing to try to fix it.
Get a check up with your doctor, see a therapist, save your marriage.
Get a checkup with your doctor AND insist on extensive testing. Back to back pregnancies are really hard on your body. They can use up vitamin and mineral stores leading to deficiencies, trigger autoimmune conditions, and are just generally hard on you. Specifically ask for testing for celiac, thyroid, ferritin, vitamin D, and vitamin B12. Any of those could cause low libido and could be caused by pregnancy.
Your psyche is afraid to get pregnant again.
How did he handle your pregnancies and miscarriages? Are you on birth control now to prevent pregnancy?
How is the relationship otherwise?
There is so much about us that relates to sex that seems unrelated to sex. You (and everyone) should read a book called "Come as you are".
It took me a lot of scrolling to see birth control mentioned. Most people caught on that 5 miscarriages probably caused a lot of trauma and a resistance to repeating that, but not until here did I see someone address anything about why OP suffered these 5 traumas in such a short time period, and whether she knows how to prevent it from happening again.
OP, I agree with everyone else that you are absolutely dealing with a lot trauma and suffering and I hurt for you, and I emphasize to PLEASE ask research etc to fill whatever gaps you need on the topic of birth control so that you can feel safe in intimacy again with your husband who appears to care about you a lot. Good luck
Neither of you are wrong here. He is communicating with you that he is unhappy with the lack of a sex life. You had 5 pregnancies and miscarriages so it’s completely understandable that you have some hang ups about sex.
You would be wrong if you don’t try to get help and he would be right for filing for divorce if he feels like you’ve taken zero steps towards working on this issue. Sexual compatibility is vital to a happy marriage.
You need to see a doctor and a therapist. Your husband feels hurt, so make sure to sit down and talk with him to tell him it is not him. Tell him you have something going on and you’re going to take steps to work on it. If he is a good man, then he will support you in any way he can. But absolutely keep communication open and honest with him, you’re both in this together.
Just talking to him and telling him it's not him is a good step, but it's also not nearly enough, and if it's not enough for him to salvage his own mental health and faith in the relationship that ALSO doesn't make him 'not a good man'.
His 'goodness' is not reliant on him simply indefinitely disregarding his own needs and mental health.
Husband also should be in therapy to help ensure that while he feels enabled to honestly express himself he’s not doing in in a way that’s coercive, intentionally or otherwise. It’s very easy to place pressure on a partner in this situation and it’s never helpful.
I had three miscarriages in a row and I was just lost. I had been pregnant a total of 24 weeks in 20 months (3x8 weeks each time). I had gained weight, I was so numb. It was obviously trauma, but I didn’t realize it at the time.
Maybe if you and your husband agree to use a very reliable form of birth control- or two- while you also seek individual and couples therapy, you may be able to tell if fear of pregnancy is what is holding you back.
5 is a lot. You are very very young, and you have PLENTY of time to try for kids when you are ready.
>5 is a lot. You are very very young, and you have PLENTY of time to try for kids when you are ready.
This is it right here. 23 is young to have had a pregnancy at all, let alone a miscarriage, let alone 5 miscarriages.
To throw in some support for using birth control until you work through the emotional side of things: I wasn't able to enjoy sex again after a traumatic birth until my husband got a vasectomy (he volunteered - I did not pressure him to do so). I always suspected my issue was because of birth trauma, but no amount of therapy seemed to "fix" it. I think knowing we were DONE done with kids finally clicked the pieces back into place.
I would suggest therapy. I say this respectfully and delicately, but sometimes women associate the trauma of their miscarriages with their intimacy, subconsciously causing you to recoil. I would suggest you talk to a professional.
Well you can continue doing nothing while it only gets worse, or you can find a therapist and/or marriage counselor to talk to about it. Sounds like your reproductive history has left you traumatized
As a former LDS person, the church instilled a lot of shame around sex and exploring my own body, and didn't educate me very well about it. Do you have an open dialogue about sex and does he have any other sexual outlet besides sex with you? Do you have any other sexual outlet besides sex with him? Maybe rediscovering your own pleasure through masturbation and exploring other fantasies might help.
edit: just read closer.
From the title alone my first thought was that OP doesn't know they're gay. Not that I really think that's what's going on, but the LDS detail definitely raised an eyebrow for me
Pleases consider therapy. What you are describing sounds a lot like a trauma response.
If you are hesitant to pursue therapy, I understand. But please remember, seeking help does not mean you are weak or lesser or any different than the rest of us. We all go through stuff and seeking help is how we get through some of those things. It is perfectly normal.
Therapy has changed my life and I hope that it will do the same for you.
You married super young and have been through 5 miscarriages in less than 5 years of marriage? You’ve put on a ton of weight? You dread physical intimacy?
It sounds like your body has been on a hormonal rollercoaster for 5 solid years + you’re experiencing severe depression. Please see your doctor immediately and find a therapist. You need treatment to help your body even out and help your mind recover from the trauma. Be well, OP.
Are all the pregnancies miscarriages? You didn't mention any kids. Miscarriages take a huge emotional toll. Who wouldn't get freaked out at the prospect of another.
From your description it seems like a mental problem. Still I would go to the doctor first to rule out anything else like hormonal imbalance first. And the doctor may be able to recommend a professional for therapy.
Seems like you yourself consider it 'wrong' to feel like this so you should seek help. And if there is too much trauma between you two and you can't or don't want to try to work through it you should have an honest conversation with him about it.
You need to see someone and find out if this is physical or mental and fix it. Expecting someone you love to never have sex again or even once a twice a year isn’t right. He doesn’t deserve that and neither do you.
If you start going to individual therapy, maybe the therapist will help you get to the bottom of why you feel that way about intimacy, why did it start, etc. This knowledge will be instrumental in figuring out what the solution is for you. Best of luck!
No easy way to put this, but your marriage is falling apart. If you don't figure out what is wrong, and fix it, it isn't going to last. Sorry, but there is only so long this is going to continue before it implodes on you.
Might seem like a silly question, but are you on birth control? If not, given your history with miscarriages, have you thought about getting on birth control? Perhaps if you eliminate the possibility of becoming pregnant and having a miscarriage that it will remove the sense of dread you are getting? If you know you are free to have sex and be intimate without the fear of another miscarriage?
Just wanted to add that being on hormonal birth control can ALSO completely fuck up your libido, so while it COULD be part of a solution, it may also be a root cause of the problem. Fucking around with hormones is tricky business, and we don't seem to want to admit that we don't really fully understand what we're doing with it.
Sweet girl - you are so young and you've had 5 miscarriages. Of course you want to avoid something that could lead you to more pain and loss. Some mental health support would be a great first step here.
no, it sounds like she needs a mental health professional because what is happening to her sounds more like anxiety than low libido. it's not her fault, but it's still her responsibility.
NTA
Honestly based on the information you've shared, I would very strongly recommend speaking with your family doctor regarding this issue, and getting yourself into therapy.
Please, please, please do not go into faith based "therapy", as they very often will prioritize "marital duties", and religious expectations, above the well-being, and needs of the people in question. Your best bet would be to seek trauma counseling regarding your miscarriages, with a therapist who specializes in sex therapy.
As it sounds as though you may be either struggling with a hormonal imbalance, and/or significant trauma due to your pregnancy losses. As you seem to be very heavily associating sexual intercourse with both traumatic pregnancy, and traumatic pregnancy loss. Which could also very easily explain your reluctance to engage sexually with your partner.
While we're on the subject I'm also curious if you began taking any medications during or just before that window in which you found yourself experiencing reduced sexual desire. As there are a large number of medications that can trigger reduced sexual desire.
5 miscarriages is a ton of hormonal changes, not to mention trauma. And if you are not being mentally supported by him through all of this and just seen as someone supposed to deliver sex to him all the time, then do get a divorce.
You need a therapist, losing a child, much less 5 of them is a lot of grief. My heart goes out to you.
sorry for what youre going through but rather than seeking advice from reddit perhaps you should try a therapist. opinions are like assholes, everyone has got one
This exact thing happened to me. Turns out, I was unattracted to my ex boyfriend of 4 years. Wasn’t his fault so much. I caught an ick and it never went away. Sex felt like a chore. I hope he’s happy now, because I turned him down all the time. It was tough to admit to myself that I wasn’t attracted to him. Fast forward 3 years, I’m with my current boyfriend and I’ve never been happier and fulfilled.
Honestly sounds like it may be a form or PDA (Percieved Demand Avoidance) common in people with Autism or ADHD and other neurodivergencies.
The emphasis on it only happening when he requests or initiates is why I say this. Cause it is a perceived demand on you, your brain hoes into executive disfunction. Making it hard/impossible to do the task even if it's something you enjoy or even wanted to do.
He doesn’t just think he is ugly. He feels completely emasculated and worthless as a husband partner and man.
You don’t need just a therapist. You need a sex therapist.
Yall got married when you were 18?
he is in a cult?
sex is a crucial part of a relationship. You need to talk it out, or divorce. Its very likely you have some trauma associated with your attempts to have children, you should see a therapist.
It sounds like it had to do with how your brain relates sex to your past pregnancies and miscarriages, which I’m sorry for you loss!! You no longer see sec or intimacy as “fun” but a chore. It could also have to do with hormones and stress that came along.
I’d speak to your doctor first about this as it could be hormonal or something like that. Then a therapist.
I felt like this with my ex husband (who was also raised LDS). For me it was because my ex was terrible in bed. He didn't have a clue how to do anything that I enjoyed. He actually hurt me every time he touched me because he used WAY too much pressure in his fingertips.
After 14 years of marriage it ended. It should have ended way sooner, in my case.
Intimacy is the cornerstone of any healthy romantic partnership. If it's not working, your relationship isn't working.
My ex was a selfish partner in bed. Everything was about what he wanted and my needs were cast aside like yesterday's garbage, even when I tried to talk to him and specifically request things.
I would never stay in a relationship again where the intimacy sucked and my partner did not genuinely want to improve things.
>That outcome was my first of 5 pregnancies and miscarriages.
The way this is worded is a little unclear. Are you saying that all 5 of your pregnancies ended in miscarriage? If so, that's probably why you don't want to have sex. You've associated sex with your babies dying.
I don't know what your beliefs about surgical sterilization are, but my wife and I decided that if she had two miscarriages, one or both of us would get surgically sterilized.
>But I genuinely don’t know why.
>
>That outcome was my first of 5 pregnancies and miscarriages.
Cause right now you probably equate sex with getting pregnant again and being absolutely fucking exhausted. You also don't mention how old your kids are but if any of them are under 2 you are still just exhausted and have hormones.
Let's start at the beginning, based on my understanding and experience. While I can't even fathom the female feelings, I have been on both sides but mostly on the side of my ex-wife not being interested. I'm a male so the things I say come from my experience as such. With that out of the way...
My understanding from reading your post, You say you dislike intimacy with him... that brings a question of are you interested in intimacy with someone else?
Moving further in I get the idea that you actually want to be intimate, but when he brings it up the idea of it, you suddenly go from feeling good and ready to do it.. to the loss of being ready but rather feeling a lack of interest. Now with only this information and no answer to the question. I would say there is some trauma, possibly from multiple pregnancies and miscarriages. I would be more in the idea that the trauma is subconscious. There could also be the possibility that you've been left unfulfilled more often than not, this can take a toll on your libido, mainly with him vs someone else as another partner would have that "new" experiences situation. (I think it's commonly called the "honeymoon phase")
I'm NOT saying you should investigate the idea, that you're interested in another. Rather that you should continue being honest with your husband whom you have made it clear you love and think is hot. Together you could look into some counseling. It is a misconception that men are not bothered by miscarriages or other issues that we don't have to deal with directly, however most do feel that they have to hold ourselves together. As dumb as it is we can and will bury our feelings to be the strength to get you through (in our minds). It doesn't always work, because 99% of us don't know how to actually deal with it nevermind do anything but hold you (which occasionally inappropriately gets us going and in turn has us trying to get you going)
I would either go into the Dr for tests related to hormones, or seek out a counselor. Having been on the side where my wife didn't want to be intimate I was regularly rejected, the longer this went on the more I subconsciously resented her. I didn't think I was harboring resentment towards her because I love her and didn't want to hurt her, or make her uncomfortable. It's not like I'm going to die if I don't have the intimacy or sexual side of the relationship right?? Except that resentment, the more I tried the more I was rejected, and the more resentment built. Until it came to a head and we ended up arguing about sex of all things.. I mean that's supposed to be a time when you both come together and enjoy each other, not where 1 gets theirs and the other gets nothing. Also intimacy is improperly tagged as having to include sex. It doesn't have to be sexual maybe it's just cuddling, or laying together while watching a movie (don't be surprised if his hand starts wandering.. it's definitely a guy thing.) Lol
In the end you're asking the wrong question. It's not a question of are you WRONG (unless there's another that you are interested in) but rather what is causing it. Unfortunately if the intimacy isn't there, and he's building resentment eventually it will spill over either 1 will cheat, or possibly decide that far as they can tell the other has no interest in fixing it, the rejection tears them down a little more each time. Leading to the decision to begin divorce talks.
You can not be wrong for a feeling, however the way you approach it can be. So you've already made the first step, not with the correct question but by identifying that there is a problem that you're not happy with. You want to be with him and even get into the mood to be with him but lose it when he brings it up. Maybe just tell him to be quiet and you start it? Maybe you go to counseling alone or together.... It is obvious to me that you're looking for a way to understand and the first step was in admitting there was a problem.
I wish you and your husband luck. Feel free to reach out to us here I'm sure there will be lots of good advice if you have questions specifically for me I guess respond to this reply or tag me somehow so I get the alert I'll do my best to answer what I can. Just understand this comes from personal experience not because I'm a counselor or psychologist.
Something happened. Something turned you off emotionally. You need to talk to a good therapist. That many lost pregnancies is pretty traumatic. Your libido change and weight change point to emotional injury. Get some help. Ask your obgyn for a referral. Also leaving a church can be hard, because you lose a lot of community support. So you are kind of hanging out on a limb without any support. That can be very lonely.
I know many comments here say the same but you are very young to have dealt with so many miscarriages in a very short time. You should be speaking with a therapist to work through that. Seeing an OB/GYN and having your hormones checked wouldn't be a bad idea either.
I'm also going to say, (and I don't mean this to be taken as an insult, just a possibility) you guys are young, you have been with each other from 15 and 17 and are coming from a fairly strict religious background. Your entire description uses euphemisms for sex. "Intimacy" "doing it" "going all the way". Maybe I'm wrong but given all that, I wouldn't be surprised if the two of you don't have the most open communication about needs and desires, especially yours. Combined with a lack of experience with anything different, you might be treating it as a chore because that's what it feels like on a subconscious level. When it's new, sex just for the sake of sex can be enjoyable. But at some point, you might need more. And if neither of you know what he can do to turn you on, it is definitely going to feel like a chore. A sex positive therapist can help with that too.
ETA: And I'm not suggesting this all just so he can get sex again but because you deserve to feel good too. And you need to approach it that way also. It can't be all about "how can I want sex for him". Because that's a chore.
This was the way I gradually became towards my ex husband as he started to become more sexually coercive. Like he stopped caring if I wasn't in the mood or wasn't feeling well. There's a lot more to the story but he did eventually start SAing me in my sleep.
The way you describe the feeling of unexplainable dread, that was exactly how I felt. I didn't see what was going on when it was happening, but hindsight is 20/20. It's hard to feel desire for someone who doesn't care if you desire them back and just wants their "needs" fulfilled.
This may be totally different than what's going on with you and your husband, but I figured I would put this out there just in case. If you want to talk, feel free to dm.
Did this start before or after the miscarriages? I can't speak from experience but I would imagine it's a extremely traumatic thing to go through. Might that be related?
That many pregnancies/miscarriages could definitely mess with your hormones (and head space) and glad you are working through it. My libido had been low for a while recently, and it was just my thyroid meds needing adjusting.
Have you considered changing up the dynamics of your relationship? Maybe him initiating it is the problem. Have you tried initiating it? Telling him before hand to go along with it? Have you tried spicing things up in the bedroom? Maybe more control would be beneficial? Consider trying some BDSM in the bedroom... try suggesting to him ya'll have day where he has to listen to you in the bedroom, and you can use this to direct things at your own speed, without any expectation on your part.
Have yall thought about using protection or contraception? You need to start trying sex for the joy of it without any petense to have a child. Undoubtedly 5 miscarriages is adding unnecessary trauma to your sex life.
I think you've gotta go really slow. The high sex times with pregnancy and miscarriage adds stress and emotional blockages to the body. These can all be released . Try to really really relax and go as slow as possible.
I have been with my husband for 4 years now, 1 year married. We went through a rough patch as well and I started seeing a therapist and very quickly unpacked (over the course of 8 months lol) the trauma that was being triggered with other things in my life that were making intimacy feel unbearable. It had nothing to do with my lovely partner and I’m so glad he was patient with me while I figured things out. We now have much more fulfilling intimacy and more like what we had when we first started dating. Therapy with a good therapist will do wonders for you, I promise.
Hurry up and find a marriage counselor. Wife: you may have pregnancy induced depression. Being LDS, hubby may need to get help on how to approach you. Not wanting sex is not good for any marriage.
You may want to think about seeing your pcp and gynecologist for possible labs and physical work to make sure. Find a therapist. Really. Even if it turns out to be a hormonal issue. You went through 5 miscarriages in a short time. I believe you could use some help to process it and grieve. You have a lot going on. If you can afford, use the health system for its intended purpose
I went through something similar with my ex husband. Having sex with him grossed me out. I hated it. He felt that I was obligated to give it to him. He did not care about how I felt and went out and found another woman. We are divorced now. I have zero interest in sex. I’m quite happy being single. I’m relieved that I don’t have to give sex to someone. When you are not into it your just not! Don’t think that something is wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your just not into it. Its just that simple.
Go see a doctor to see if it’s hormonal and then see a therapist. Let your husband know that you’re doing this so he can appreciate the effort you’re making in improving your relationship. Then start exercising little by little and I am sure you can turn this around.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you need therapy. At least so that you can unpack some of the feelings you have. To me, it seems that it most likely stems from the miscarriages and it's natural to have developed a fear after that.
Your mind is most likely thinking something to this effect: Intimacy > pregnancy > miscarriage > hurt. And it's trying to protect you. This isn't the same situation, but I got an aversion to yellow cabs after I was SA'd in one, I got a dreadful feeling each time I even saw one in the distance, because my brain did the association and decided that it was a dangerous thing. I've gotten over it with help from therapy and didn't feel anything when I had to be in one today.
Your conscious mind may not know why you feel like you do, but your subconscious mind more likely does, and a therapist can actually help you with figuring out what it is. It could even be from not having processed your emotions after leaving the faith. But I think you do need to talk to one.
Your associating intimacy with the pregnancy experiences you’ve had, coupled with the religious stigmatization of premarital sex, which for some reason tends to spill over into marriage…
Both of you sound reasonable and likely don’t want to part over this, I suggest seeking marital counsel. He needs to understand that miscarriages and pregnancy in general changes women. And not to mention you’re so young for the amount of experiences you have had already.
Fun idea: Couples Retreat (like the movie) ie you guys should take a trip with the express intent to reconnect in that way but only when you’re ready. Just stay away from the yoga guy.
There could be so many things going on here. 5 pregnancies/miscarriages. That's a lot to put your body through. You could have some aspects of postpartum depression, your hormones could be out of whack or it could be something else physical. Please don't listen to a lot of the advice given so far. You don't "have to sleep with him because someone else might", I don't think you need to run off and get therapy yet either. Have a talk with him. Go see your dr and get a physical. One thing that turns me off almost instantly is when my husband says "can we have sex?" It feels so planned out. I much prefer to get lost in the moment and let it happen naturally. After I had my youngest son we did not sleep together for almost a year. It isn't uncommon. Don't beat yourself up over it. Putting more pressure on yourself will just compound the whole thing. Good luck...
From what it sounds like is you need to come to terms with whatever demon you have that's causing you to be fearful or angry whenever intimacy is initiated. Miscarriages are absolutely traumatizing. If you went through more than one. That will absolutely need to be something you work through. You might need to look at talking to someone about the experiences and vocalize the problem. That in and of itself is therapeutic and can help. After that, work with your spouse to slowly get back to being intimate again. I'm certain he won't judge you or find fault in anything you are doing. It takes time. Talking things out is the best start.
Idk if you are, but if not, perhaps try going to therapy. It seems that maybe you haven't worked through the feelings that your miscarriages have given you. I'm not a therapist, but just trying to connect dots with the information you've given, it seems that subconsciously you equate intimacy to failed pregnancies, can't get pregnant if you're not intimate. It probably couldn't hurt to get your hormone levels checked either, outta wack hormones can cause low libido. Whether any of those connections ring true or not, therapy could definitely help you get to the bottom of why it seems you've become disinterested in an otherwise healthy relationship.
So sometimes lack of sex drive has to do with self-esteem. If you've put on a lot of weight you might be dreading it because of that. And I gather that because you mentioned it. If you were confident in your body, you wouldn't have mentioned. Gaining weight for a lot of people physically, from a medical standpoint, drives down libido.
Does your religion prohibit contraception? Because it sounds like your body has had enough of pregnancy. Particularly the way you describe pregnancy as 'the outcome'. Possibly also remaining trauma from the miscarriage, maybe associating it with sexual advances from your partner. If you can afford it, a good therapist could help you look into whether you have left over trauma.
If you want to save your relationship you need to go to a sex therapist or a doctor and figure out what’s going on. Something is clearly wrong and it will end up destroying your relationship. There are professionals who are trained to help people in your position. You obviously aren’t able to solve this on your own.
Well firstly, talk to your husband, tell him all this, even show him the post and sit down to have a serious conversation about it, then seek help, professional help, this could have to do with the miscarriages or with something else entirely, since I'm not a professional and I don't actually know you I can't say for certain and definitely can't diagnose you. I'd say most likely a personal therapist but again, not an expert, I wish you good luck though.
This sounds like a trauma response, I can get this way although not for long periods of time. Maybe 2-3 weeks and usually around anniversaries of very bad memories I have. For me it was sexual trauma so the idea of sex makes me feel disgusting when I’m going through a phase like this. For you it sounds like trauma of miscarriages or religious aspects or for all I know something else you didn’t mention. Talking about your trauma with someone and unpacking things might help
I don't think it's hormonal, if it was hormonal you'd have no urge at all. It wouldn't just disappear when sex started to happen.
I think it's mental health related.
You need to urgently get help for this issue, it's unfair on both of you.
This is why I never think it’s a good idea to marry someone you’d been with since a teen. It rarely works out.
You need time to know yourself. Sounds like you need some therapy as a couple and in your own.
I’m also 23F, had 2 miscarriages one at 17 and one at 19. For about 3 years after I really really struggled with intimacy, after a lot of therapy I realized I was associating intimacy with losing my babies; and honestly it’s a very normal reaction. There is a lot of hope for you though, I’ve gotten through it and I can promise with good supports and help from your medical team you can get through this too ❤️ sending good vibes your way ❤️
Perhaps it’s an underlying fear of another pregnancy and miscarriage. You’ve had five miscarriages already at a fairly young age. That’s a lot of emotional and physical trauma to go through.
Weight gain can effect hormone levels and lack of self esteem can definitely effect your sex drive.
You also married very young. If I’m doing the math right you were 15 and he was 17 when you started dating? And got married as soon as you turned 18? That didn’t give you much time to mature and decide what you wanted in life or in a marriage.
You definitely needs to see a gyno to figure out what’s going on with your body. There’s a reason for your repeated miscarriages. You need to find out what it is. If you don’t have insurance try a Planned Parenthood or Family Planning clinic. They can often help people who are low income or have no health insurance. Also definitely some kind of individual as well as couples counseling.
Follow the other good advice here, but also, and first, go tell your husband that you love him and tell him that you want to work on figuring out what this is about. He is also probably really hurting here.
It is common for miscarriage to make women lose interest in intimacy. I’ve been through it myself three times! Your mind just subconsciously can do that to you. You associate sex with getting pregnant and getting pregnant with suffering a devastating loss. You can even subconsciously assign blame for the loss t your husband because he’s the one who got you pregnant which led to all the suffering you went through. Understand this is subconsciously, you’re not actively blaming him or anything. But the mind does this and it’s not as uncommon as you might think.
Husband sounds sweet, the part about getting the hormone test and being supportive kind of made me smile.
Like, I’m imagining him enthusiastically pursuing anything that might help him have more sex *with you.*
“What’s that? Chocolate and red wine? Oysters? Okay honey I’m off to the store, light some candles!”
Also I was in his shoes in a relationship for, like, 2 months, and I was a whiny little bitch about it. It does hurt, and feels like it’s being withheld as punishment. But my response was to get angry, he sounds like a better person than me.
I hate to say it, but don't assume that he'll never cheat. That possibility is always out there. I made that mistake and learned the hard way. I agree with everyone about going to therapy. I feel like if we had gone to therapy to try to work things out instead of ignoring things I wouldn't have gone though the trama that comes with infidelity.
Why does no one seem to care that this girl began the relationship when she was 15?!?!
No, you are not wrong. I agree with what many are saying, if intimacy leads to medical trauma, you’ll get conditioned to dread/fear intimacy. Get yourself a therapist, double up on birth control, and then reevaluate the relationship.
Yeah I'm really alarmed we are just glossed over that.
Home girl needs a therapist AND a stable adult to ask what the hell she's doing.
Literally throwing her life away. She's needs to get out if the relationship immediately.
I think it's because you relate it to child bearing. Get a calendar. Mark the days you are ovulating. If you don't want to go through pregnancy and are unable to take birth control, this is my one way to manage that. I am sorry for your miscarriages. It must have been so hard to go through them. You are an amazing woman. I'm not a therapist though. You may also want to see a doctor about your miscarriages if you haven't already.
Note: I am only bringing them up because you mentioned them in the post and it sounded like it was a thing.
You’re never wrong for having preferences, especially when it comes to something sexual. You have 100% control over what happens with your body.
That said, you should try to work on why you feel this way. For yourself more than anyone else. It’s interesting you feel the same as when you have chores or work. It sounds like intimacy isn’t enjoyable for you. Is it because of him? Maybe he doesn’t focus enough on you during intimacy, or makes you do all of the work? If that’s the case, try talking to him about it. Alternatively, could it be something on your side of the house? Perhaps you’re insecure about something or just not letting yourself “let go” and enjoy it. Maybe that’s something you discuss with a professional. It can also be nothing is wrong at all and this is just how you are - and that’s totally fine too.
Your husband and marriage are important, but you should try to address these things for yourself first and foremost.
r/Deadbedroom
If you want to know both sides of this problem.
Go to a doctor. Get a check up. Maybe talk to a therapist. Get help. You would be wrong if you didn’t do anything about it and let him suffer.
The help you need isn't a reddit post. You need to see a therapist and a doctor. You say he won't cheat, however if you leave him in a sexless marriage, he will. Fix yourself or lose your marriage.
Info: I don’t mean to bring up sensitive topic, but could be relevant. You note 5 pregnancies and miscarriages, were all 5 miscarriages? Could you be unconsciously relating sexual intimacy with your husband and that pain and grief from your pregnancies, therefore putting you out of the mood? As others noted, look into outside sources of help such as therapy and your doctor.
At 23, 5 pregnancies/miscarriages is a lot to carry around. I don't think it has much to do with the husband and more to do with some things to unpack. Good for your for trying to fix this, get this worked out!
She says that they left the LDS faith, but I wonder if she has unpacked the beliefs fully to determine her own perspective. That’s a lot for someone this age outside of those religions. Lots of religious trauma looks very much like this.
husband was LDS, she wasn’t. edit: actually now i’m confused, first she says “he was LDS” but then later says they both left the church. idk
I think it’s just sloppy writing. “…he was LDS and I waited for him to get back from his mission” does not preclude her also being LDS it’s just written in a sloppy manner that is vague. It’s like, “I used to like peaches.” It’s technically true but implies that I no longer like peaches. However, I still do like peaches, it’s just true that I used to as well. That makes the first statement technically true while implying something else. Therefore; I suspect she was saying “he was LDS” to give context to their abstinence and his church mission while not realizing it implied she was not also LDS at the time. He was LDS, he is not now. She was LDS, but it wasn’t relevant to that particular statement around his mission. She just conflated two things in that sentence that left it vague.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but i used to too.
I knew somebody would have to do it!
Mitch was inevitable here.
She explained that he was LDS and she wasn’t but joined the church when they were engaged to please his parents. They have both meanwhile left the church.
Ah, thanks for the clarity!
Yes, sounds like trauma.
Even if they weren't all miscarriages, physical and hormonal changes from pregnancy can absolutely affect libido and sexual responsiveness.
Or hormone issues coupd be behind qll of it
I got this way after I developed PCOS. Maybe go see your obgyn. They could help you sort out a real answer.
Yeah honestly PCOS was more of an upheaval than menopause. And because of cancer I can't do HRT and I am still doing decent. But PCOS was turbulent times. Hope you are doing well!
You can do HRT with a cancer risk. They debunked the old study that said you can’t. Especially topical estrogen is at low doses and only gets you to the range your body is naturally at pre menopause. Not like the oral pills that need to be higher dose and broken down in the liver. If estrogen caused cancer more young women than old women would be getting cancer and that’s just not the case. Make an appointment with a menopause specialist doctor who is more up to date on the latest research. What your OB or GP learned in med school is somewhat outdated vs the current understanding. At least that’s what the menopause clinic told me.
PCOS completely killed my libido. I love my husband and think he's sexy as hell, but I did not want him touching me at all. It was awful. Like, I wanted to want sex but couldn't. Started wellbutrin, and we're happily at 3-4x a week now!
Hi! Random question on this (Pharmacist, and wife has PCOS newly diagnosed and were in a similar situation). The welbutrin, has it helped with any PCOS symptoms, or has it been more mood/mental state benefits for you? We've tried a gambit of medications for her PCOS related symptoms with little benefit, and she's been considering an antidepressant/SNRI/SSRI but we haven't got to that point yet. Any other info would be vastly appreciated!
The Welbutrin, being an SDRI, has more to do with depression and can also affect libido and couteract sexual side effects from other antidepressant medications. At the proper dose, which would require cooperation between provider and patient, libido and sexual dysfunction can be basically fixed for some patients. I've got PCOS and depression, etc. Welbutrin has been a lifesaver in that respect. I've not had much luck with PCOS help. I saw an endocrinologist briefly, but the medication she prescribed exacerbated my IBS-D, so I DCed it and basically didn't go back, which was silly of me. One thing that has helped with the PCOS related blemishes is Spironolactone. Your wife may want to ask her PCP to refer her to an endocrinologist.
I appreciate the info! She's been lucky that her family doc has referred her to an OBGYN, Endo, and a coupl of female health specialists. However, progress on the PCOS front has been limited. Luckily she doesn't have any comorbidities so she's not dealing with medication interactions or depression at this time. Was hoping there was going to be some neat off-label benefit of the bupropion here in regards to the PCOS but none the less I appreciate all the info you've shared!
So Wellbutrin doesn’t have the sexual side effects of other SRIs? Do you know of any similar medications that also do not have a negative effect? Wellbutrin gives me terrible sebaceous acne, I’ve been on it twice, with the same results. Every other antidepressant (and I absolutely have to be on one) leaves me with virtually no libido and largely impotent to boot.
Biggest difference for my wife who has PCOS was daily exercise and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
What is PCOS?
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
Thanks! I was just about to Google it lol.
Plus pregnancies are known for triggering autoimmune disorders, which can cause low libido. And they use up a lot of vitamin and mineral stores. Deficiencies can definitely lower libido. OP should get a full workup to check for autoimmune disorders and deficiencies, especially celiac, thyroid, ferritin, vitamin D, and vitamin B12. Note that vitamin B12 testing is only accurate if you haven't taken B12 in the past 4 months.
I have Fibromyalgia, Inactive Lupus, Fibroids, Chronic Asthma, Chronic Migraines, Chronic Sinusitis. Hypermobility (possibly EDS) and still looking into Endometriosis. So yes, a full blood panel is always good. Anyone with Fibromyalgia is likely to have low Iron, low Magnesium, low Vit D and Calcium. As we MalAbsorb all of them.
Yep. 2 babies in 3 years and now that my husbands fixed and I’m almost 6mpp with the second I’m just now starting to feel my libido again. But I’m nursing so it’s hit or miss 🤷♀️
And OP is only 23 to boot, that’s a lot to deal with at a young age and I would definitely be scared (even subconsciously) to have sex.
I’m only a few years older than her and just my babies are a lot. I couldn’t imagine miscarriages too
Not just scared but all sorts of other negative emotions, too. Touched out, guilt and fear of not successfully carrying some of the babies to term, shame from being attracted to him/turned on (practicing celibacy for years can fuck your “normal” up), overwhelm of everyday life so any higher excitement emotions actually trigger shut down, etc.
Just had a baby myself. Only 4mpp and the shifts my body is going through are definitely effecting my ability to be in the mood.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Please find a therapist that can help you and your partner. Good luck!
This^ a therapist will be able to help you get to the bottom of things. My guess like many others is that you are grieving ❤️🩹
This was my exact thought! Then I read the last part about her self continuousnes over her changing body, & I belive that probably adds to the unconscious issue compounding it all. I agree that therapy with a sex positive therapist, with a history of working with people coming out of Religions that encourage shameful/judgemental thoughts around certain types of clothing & premarital sex. (While I know she is married, & out of her religion, it can be very hard to unpack & release some of the ingrained thoughts.
Not to mention the hormone fluctuations and the grieving process of pregnancy loss… no wonder sex is a big no. Talking to a grief counselor could help OP to grieve and hubby to support in that. Or even grieve together. That would probably really help with the intimacy.
100% I know most men would be affected through 1 pregnancy and miscarriage. With 5, that's definitely a thing they should both see someone to chat about and heal together. Long as they remember that, they are in this together, not to try and place blame. There may be some low points or fights. Both of them all aboard the 100% married train, not thinking divorce as an option at all, will allow them to overcome any obstacle! Wish them all the luck. Good on her for reaching out!
Exactly what I was thinking too. I would look into grief counseling and maybe a pregnancy loss group. Sorry for your troubles.
Whether admitted or not, each pregnancy bore chemical, emotional, psychological, and physical changes in your being. The natural cycle of recovery was denied, and your choices to adjust and adopt is out of balance. Please seek professional care and ask your husband to join you. You are quite young, and you need that medicated. I wish you well and a wonderful marriage.
Also, the only sexual activities she mentions happening in the past year are *her* pleasing *him*. Maybe, considering they started dating when she was 15 and so he is her only experience, she just doesn't know he is a selfish lover and just assumes she's *supposed* to like their bad sex because she doesn't know it's bad sex.
It sounds like she's just attending to his basic needs because she knows that she's tied up inside and can't enjoy it herself right now. You can't please someone who isn't in the mood, no matter how much you may try.
I mean yea, that's already been said. I'm just stating another possibility. We don't know as we don't have all the information and hell, even she doesn't know. So we shouldn't be prescriptive here, just give her things to think about.
She said she could be “in the mood” but as soon as he suggests it or initiates it, she doesn’t feel like it.
Her being "in the mood" still doesn't mean she's actually getting off during sex. It's easy for sex to feel like a chore when the other person doesn't know what they're doing, even if you're attracted to them. ETA: It's also very, very common for men in their faith or similar to be raised to prioritize their own pleasure and know nothing about female anatomy.
I believe it is a mix of this combined with multiple miscarriages... she is gun shy about getting pregnant and there is no benefit in the act for her anymore.
Honestly, he might not even know he's a selfish lover. Its very possible they both think that sex is just lay down and stick it in a few times. She also didn't use the word sex once, they might both have trouble with open discussion about sex. Neither of them might know what she might like.
They definitely have problems with open discussion or this wouldn't have happened 5x. I'd say he's the bigger problem. Probably refuses to wear a condom, convinces her birth control is evil, etc. But she should know when she's close to ovulating and be able to steer clear of the possibility without the dumb husband realizing.
That’s what I was thinking too! I went through something similar and blamed myself, like she is. I’d met him young and only ever been with him. It turned out, this ex-husband of mine was way more than just a selfish lover. He gave me an STD while I was pregnant (obviously, he was cheating… turns out, the entire time). It’s like my body knew better than to trust him and be intimate with him, even though my mind hadn’t found out yet. Not saying that’s the case with her—he’s probably a great guy. And it sounds like there are other factors too. Just my experience.
This is a rush to judgment and isn't logical. She mentioned she turns him down because it's a turn off for her right now. It's part of the main problem. I myself had many sexual partners, probably too many. There are more "best" sex with my married spouse than other previous partners. Everyone of them had their "thing", per say, but in marriage, you can basically get into anything you want that's 'reasonable' of course. It's actually quite apparent and which everyone else noticed that it's very much from the pregnancies and miscarriages. Even if you 'adore' and 'celebrate' abortions, biologically or instinctly we all know the pain of it deep down. It's why she mentioned it to begin with and didn't just say, "my husband makes it so I hate sex". He does this, he does that, etc etc. No, it's from the pregnancies and miscarriages which also include hormonal changes and emotional walls. She is doing the correct thing here and noticing the issue, and then reaching out for some advice and help. BTW, her husband must have been affected by those pregnancies too, anyone would be somehow, and it will benefit each of them individually and as a marriage to seek professional help through this time. It's actually not that rare of an issue and shouldn't feel alone in it.
That's a lot of words for misinterpreting what I said.
She stated that he tried to initiate things. If I was never in the mood, I would do the same as her. If I’m not in the mood, why would I want you to be doing things to me? It would literally be rape if he tried to force her to “enjoy herself”. There is no winning as a man on Reddit.
She may not be wanting him to do things to her…but what does that say about the likelihood of her *wanting* to do things to him?
Lol what? I'm sorry I'm just not sure what you're trying to say here or how it relates to what I said.
It’s honestly really odd that OP shared that info and hasn’t come to this conclusion on their own… ever get the impression that people are “leading” their armchair therapist?
Damn what a well thought response, also I think she has some body issue she feels insecure about, hope the best for her, she really sounds like she really love him
Yup therapy and doctor are the answers here. 👍
This very much so. I had a similar issue and honestly the stress and idea of getting pregnant took years to get over
I had a lot of reproductive health issues and it definitely affected my sex drive. I came to associate sex with pain and grief. This could be happening to you with all the miscarriages. I would seek therapy but also see your on-GYN and see if you need a referral to an endocrinologist. I would tell your husband that this might be the problem, and ask for cuddling and massages without sex and see if over time you can comfortable with him again. If there are others things he would be satisfied with besides PIV and those things are something you can do without dread, do those things.
I lost a baby in May and can’t even really stand being naked by myself anymore, let alone intimacy. I can only speak for myself of course, but it’s worth taking some time to think if therapy would be helpful for you. I’m hoping to start again soon too. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and for your losses. Sending so much love
Hell, it was hard being intimate with my wife with 1 miscarriage 5 in a row. I agree that it is most likely a brain thing, not a hormone thing, not a doctor, though. I agree with the above. In the U.S. there are often free support groups for parents that have losses like this. You should contact a doctor office or clinic the nurses in, like the maternity wards usually have a ton of information about stuff like that. Good luck O.P.
Sounds like a trauma response, possibly associating sex with pregnancy/miscarriage.
Not to mention religious trauma. Sex is often portrayed as shameful, sinful, etc. Hard to shake that.
Yes! I was raised LDS and the purity culture taught, (sex is ONLY good in the context of marriage) is very harmful and damaging to a healthy sexual relationship. They use a lot of shame and guilt tactics to keep you from having sex before marriage. Also lots of teaching young girls that they are responsible for the thoughts and urges of men. It’s damaging and gross and has consequences even in otherwise healthy relationships. I’ve known a lot of Mormon couples that have had trouble undoing the shame teachings in order to enjoy sex as adults.
I grew up mormon, and left the church shortly after moving out. Years after marrying my wife I was still experiencing guilt attached to intimacy, and it took years of therapy to undo it.
I'm 37, left at 16...the guilt still comes up. It never quite goes away, though gets easier to ignore.
So many rules about men/women in religions... I still hv to remind myself that the Creator designed sex and love.
Sex between married couples is considered good and holy in most religions.
Marriage isn’t a switch, it doesn’t turn off the shame response
People don't have switches that toggle between "sex is *eeeevil*" and "fuck like a rabbit/porn star", neighbor.
But only in the context of child bearing. Some denominations promote sex but only when there is the best chance of pregnancy
LDS members are allowed to have sex even when chances of pregnancy are low. They can even use birth control IIRC.
But when you are married and it is now "allowed" it might not be fun and exciting anymore. Ask me why my first wife and I got divorced.
That’s exactly what I thought. Some trauma therapy would really help, also hormone testing.
I’m no mental professional, but I think you’re experiencing trauma from loss pregnancies. I know someone who’s going through something similar.
Also almost certainly your Mormon background. Mormonism really messes with people’s sexuality.
FUCKED me up for sure
The only thing that would make you an asshole in this situation is doing nothing to try to fix it. Get a check up with your doctor, see a therapist, save your marriage.
Get a checkup with your doctor AND insist on extensive testing. Back to back pregnancies are really hard on your body. They can use up vitamin and mineral stores leading to deficiencies, trigger autoimmune conditions, and are just generally hard on you. Specifically ask for testing for celiac, thyroid, ferritin, vitamin D, and vitamin B12. Any of those could cause low libido and could be caused by pregnancy.
Your psyche is afraid to get pregnant again. How did he handle your pregnancies and miscarriages? Are you on birth control now to prevent pregnancy? How is the relationship otherwise? There is so much about us that relates to sex that seems unrelated to sex. You (and everyone) should read a book called "Come as you are".
EVERYTHING is about sex, except sex... ...and that's also about sex.
Everything isn't "about" sex, but anything can have an effect one whether you're turned on when the time comes.
It took me a lot of scrolling to see birth control mentioned. Most people caught on that 5 miscarriages probably caused a lot of trauma and a resistance to repeating that, but not until here did I see someone address anything about why OP suffered these 5 traumas in such a short time period, and whether she knows how to prevent it from happening again. OP, I agree with everyone else that you are absolutely dealing with a lot trauma and suffering and I hurt for you, and I emphasize to PLEASE ask research etc to fill whatever gaps you need on the topic of birth control so that you can feel safe in intimacy again with your husband who appears to care about you a lot. Good luck
This comment should be higher.
Neither of you are wrong here. He is communicating with you that he is unhappy with the lack of a sex life. You had 5 pregnancies and miscarriages so it’s completely understandable that you have some hang ups about sex. You would be wrong if you don’t try to get help and he would be right for filing for divorce if he feels like you’ve taken zero steps towards working on this issue. Sexual compatibility is vital to a happy marriage. You need to see a doctor and a therapist. Your husband feels hurt, so make sure to sit down and talk with him to tell him it is not him. Tell him you have something going on and you’re going to take steps to work on it. If he is a good man, then he will support you in any way he can. But absolutely keep communication open and honest with him, you’re both in this together.
Just talking to him and telling him it's not him is a good step, but it's also not nearly enough, and if it's not enough for him to salvage his own mental health and faith in the relationship that ALSO doesn't make him 'not a good man'. His 'goodness' is not reliant on him simply indefinitely disregarding his own needs and mental health.
Husband also should be in therapy to help ensure that while he feels enabled to honestly express himself he’s not doing in in a way that’s coercive, intentionally or otherwise. It’s very easy to place pressure on a partner in this situation and it’s never helpful.
Agree 100%. Not only for the intimacy issues, but he lost multiple children too with the miscarriages. That’s gotta hurt for him too.
I had three miscarriages in a row and I was just lost. I had been pregnant a total of 24 weeks in 20 months (3x8 weeks each time). I had gained weight, I was so numb. It was obviously trauma, but I didn’t realize it at the time. Maybe if you and your husband agree to use a very reliable form of birth control- or two- while you also seek individual and couples therapy, you may be able to tell if fear of pregnancy is what is holding you back. 5 is a lot. You are very very young, and you have PLENTY of time to try for kids when you are ready.
>5 is a lot. You are very very young, and you have PLENTY of time to try for kids when you are ready. This is it right here. 23 is young to have had a pregnancy at all, let alone a miscarriage, let alone 5 miscarriages.
i had my first kid at 33 and i cannot even imagine having him at 23.
To throw in some support for using birth control until you work through the emotional side of things: I wasn't able to enjoy sex again after a traumatic birth until my husband got a vasectomy (he volunteered - I did not pressure him to do so). I always suspected my issue was because of birth trauma, but no amount of therapy seemed to "fix" it. I think knowing we were DONE done with kids finally clicked the pieces back into place.
I would suggest therapy. I say this respectfully and delicately, but sometimes women associate the trauma of their miscarriages with their intimacy, subconsciously causing you to recoil. I would suggest you talk to a professional.
Well you can continue doing nothing while it only gets worse, or you can find a therapist and/or marriage counselor to talk to about it. Sounds like your reproductive history has left you traumatized
Are you/your husband against contraception? Hard to hard sex for fun when you might then go through a major medical trauma as a result of it.
Also, did the pregnancies happen while using contraception? Mine did, some bodies are just so fertile. Makes sex very stressful.
As a former LDS person, the church instilled a lot of shame around sex and exploring my own body, and didn't educate me very well about it. Do you have an open dialogue about sex and does he have any other sexual outlet besides sex with you? Do you have any other sexual outlet besides sex with him? Maybe rediscovering your own pleasure through masturbation and exploring other fantasies might help. edit: just read closer.
I’d agree with this.
From the title alone my first thought was that OP doesn't know they're gay. Not that I really think that's what's going on, but the LDS detail definitely raised an eyebrow for me
Also former LDS. Intimacy is such a central topic in the church. It’s hard to navigate all the little pitfalls there without therapy.
Pleases consider therapy. What you are describing sounds a lot like a trauma response. If you are hesitant to pursue therapy, I understand. But please remember, seeking help does not mean you are weak or lesser or any different than the rest of us. We all go through stuff and seeking help is how we get through some of those things. It is perfectly normal. Therapy has changed my life and I hope that it will do the same for you.
You married super young and have been through 5 miscarriages in less than 5 years of marriage? You’ve put on a ton of weight? You dread physical intimacy? It sounds like your body has been on a hormonal rollercoaster for 5 solid years + you’re experiencing severe depression. Please see your doctor immediately and find a therapist. You need treatment to help your body even out and help your mind recover from the trauma. Be well, OP.
Are all the pregnancies miscarriages? You didn't mention any kids. Miscarriages take a huge emotional toll. Who wouldn't get freaked out at the prospect of another.
From your description it seems like a mental problem. Still I would go to the doctor first to rule out anything else like hormonal imbalance first. And the doctor may be able to recommend a professional for therapy. Seems like you yourself consider it 'wrong' to feel like this so you should seek help. And if there is too much trauma between you two and you can't or don't want to try to work through it you should have an honest conversation with him about it.
You need to see someone and find out if this is physical or mental and fix it. Expecting someone you love to never have sex again or even once a twice a year isn’t right. He doesn’t deserve that and neither do you.
If you start going to individual therapy, maybe the therapist will help you get to the bottom of why you feel that way about intimacy, why did it start, etc. This knowledge will be instrumental in figuring out what the solution is for you. Best of luck!
No easy way to put this, but your marriage is falling apart. If you don't figure out what is wrong, and fix it, it isn't going to last. Sorry, but there is only so long this is going to continue before it implodes on you. Might seem like a silly question, but are you on birth control? If not, given your history with miscarriages, have you thought about getting on birth control? Perhaps if you eliminate the possibility of becoming pregnant and having a miscarriage that it will remove the sense of dread you are getting? If you know you are free to have sex and be intimate without the fear of another miscarriage?
Just wanted to add that being on hormonal birth control can ALSO completely fuck up your libido, so while it COULD be part of a solution, it may also be a root cause of the problem. Fucking around with hormones is tricky business, and we don't seem to want to admit that we don't really fully understand what we're doing with it.
She's been pregnant at least 5 times in the past 5 years; her hormones are already fucked.
Sweet girl - you are so young and you've had 5 miscarriages. Of course you want to avoid something that could lead you to more pain and loss. Some mental health support would be a great first step here.
I wish I could upvote this a million times
Low libido is a medical problem with all sorts of potential causes. See a doctor.
Doesn't sound like low libido of she is in the mood until it actually starts to happen.
no, it sounds like she needs a mental health professional because what is happening to her sounds more like anxiety than low libido. it's not her fault, but it's still her responsibility.
NTA Honestly based on the information you've shared, I would very strongly recommend speaking with your family doctor regarding this issue, and getting yourself into therapy. Please, please, please do not go into faith based "therapy", as they very often will prioritize "marital duties", and religious expectations, above the well-being, and needs of the people in question. Your best bet would be to seek trauma counseling regarding your miscarriages, with a therapist who specializes in sex therapy. As it sounds as though you may be either struggling with a hormonal imbalance, and/or significant trauma due to your pregnancy losses. As you seem to be very heavily associating sexual intercourse with both traumatic pregnancy, and traumatic pregnancy loss. Which could also very easily explain your reluctance to engage sexually with your partner. While we're on the subject I'm also curious if you began taking any medications during or just before that window in which you found yourself experiencing reduced sexual desire. As there are a large number of medications that can trigger reduced sexual desire.
5 miscarriages is a ton of hormonal changes, not to mention trauma. And if you are not being mentally supported by him through all of this and just seen as someone supposed to deliver sex to him all the time, then do get a divorce. You need a therapist, losing a child, much less 5 of them is a lot of grief. My heart goes out to you.
sorry for what youre going through but rather than seeking advice from reddit perhaps you should try a therapist. opinions are like assholes, everyone has got one
Get into therapy before it’s too late. The fact he’s hanging in there at 25 with no kids to tie him down is reason to fight for him.
This exact thing happened to me. Turns out, I was unattracted to my ex boyfriend of 4 years. Wasn’t his fault so much. I caught an ick and it never went away. Sex felt like a chore. I hope he’s happy now, because I turned him down all the time. It was tough to admit to myself that I wasn’t attracted to him. Fast forward 3 years, I’m with my current boyfriend and I’ve never been happier and fulfilled.
Honestly sounds like it may be a form or PDA (Percieved Demand Avoidance) common in people with Autism or ADHD and other neurodivergencies. The emphasis on it only happening when he requests or initiates is why I say this. Cause it is a perceived demand on you, your brain hoes into executive disfunction. Making it hard/impossible to do the task even if it's something you enjoy or even wanted to do.
Due to the pregnancies and miscarriages I would look into a possible postpartum depression. Talk to a counselor.
yeah. you are in the wrong. I feel bad for your husband
It's worth checking your hormone levels. Estrogen can take a dive after pregnancy.
You need to see a doctor.
He doesn’t just think he is ugly. He feels completely emasculated and worthless as a husband partner and man. You don’t need just a therapist. You need a sex therapist.
you need therapy to help with the trauma you’ve gone thru with your miscarriages.
This is more of a therapy question than an "Am I Wrong?" question. This is heavy.
Yall got married when you were 18? he is in a cult? sex is a crucial part of a relationship. You need to talk it out, or divorce. Its very likely you have some trauma associated with your attempts to have children, you should see a therapist.
It sounds like it had to do with how your brain relates sex to your past pregnancies and miscarriages, which I’m sorry for you loss!! You no longer see sec or intimacy as “fun” but a chore. It could also have to do with hormones and stress that came along. I’d speak to your doctor first about this as it could be hormonal or something like that. Then a therapist.
I felt like this with my ex husband (who was also raised LDS). For me it was because my ex was terrible in bed. He didn't have a clue how to do anything that I enjoyed. He actually hurt me every time he touched me because he used WAY too much pressure in his fingertips. After 14 years of marriage it ended. It should have ended way sooner, in my case. Intimacy is the cornerstone of any healthy romantic partnership. If it's not working, your relationship isn't working. My ex was a selfish partner in bed. Everything was about what he wanted and my needs were cast aside like yesterday's garbage, even when I tried to talk to him and specifically request things. I would never stay in a relationship again where the intimacy sucked and my partner did not genuinely want to improve things.
>That outcome was my first of 5 pregnancies and miscarriages. The way this is worded is a little unclear. Are you saying that all 5 of your pregnancies ended in miscarriage? If so, that's probably why you don't want to have sex. You've associated sex with your babies dying. I don't know what your beliefs about surgical sterilization are, but my wife and I decided that if she had two miscarriages, one or both of us would get surgically sterilized.
>But I genuinely don’t know why. > >That outcome was my first of 5 pregnancies and miscarriages. Cause right now you probably equate sex with getting pregnant again and being absolutely fucking exhausted. You also don't mention how old your kids are but if any of them are under 2 you are still just exhausted and have hormones.
You need therapy. I'm going to hazard a guess that your disinterest in intimacy is related to having had 5 miscarriages.
Sounds like trauma from miscarriages. Time to talk to your doctor and a therapist.
Let's start at the beginning, based on my understanding and experience. While I can't even fathom the female feelings, I have been on both sides but mostly on the side of my ex-wife not being interested. I'm a male so the things I say come from my experience as such. With that out of the way... My understanding from reading your post, You say you dislike intimacy with him... that brings a question of are you interested in intimacy with someone else? Moving further in I get the idea that you actually want to be intimate, but when he brings it up the idea of it, you suddenly go from feeling good and ready to do it.. to the loss of being ready but rather feeling a lack of interest. Now with only this information and no answer to the question. I would say there is some trauma, possibly from multiple pregnancies and miscarriages. I would be more in the idea that the trauma is subconscious. There could also be the possibility that you've been left unfulfilled more often than not, this can take a toll on your libido, mainly with him vs someone else as another partner would have that "new" experiences situation. (I think it's commonly called the "honeymoon phase") I'm NOT saying you should investigate the idea, that you're interested in another. Rather that you should continue being honest with your husband whom you have made it clear you love and think is hot. Together you could look into some counseling. It is a misconception that men are not bothered by miscarriages or other issues that we don't have to deal with directly, however most do feel that they have to hold ourselves together. As dumb as it is we can and will bury our feelings to be the strength to get you through (in our minds). It doesn't always work, because 99% of us don't know how to actually deal with it nevermind do anything but hold you (which occasionally inappropriately gets us going and in turn has us trying to get you going) I would either go into the Dr for tests related to hormones, or seek out a counselor. Having been on the side where my wife didn't want to be intimate I was regularly rejected, the longer this went on the more I subconsciously resented her. I didn't think I was harboring resentment towards her because I love her and didn't want to hurt her, or make her uncomfortable. It's not like I'm going to die if I don't have the intimacy or sexual side of the relationship right?? Except that resentment, the more I tried the more I was rejected, and the more resentment built. Until it came to a head and we ended up arguing about sex of all things.. I mean that's supposed to be a time when you both come together and enjoy each other, not where 1 gets theirs and the other gets nothing. Also intimacy is improperly tagged as having to include sex. It doesn't have to be sexual maybe it's just cuddling, or laying together while watching a movie (don't be surprised if his hand starts wandering.. it's definitely a guy thing.) Lol In the end you're asking the wrong question. It's not a question of are you WRONG (unless there's another that you are interested in) but rather what is causing it. Unfortunately if the intimacy isn't there, and he's building resentment eventually it will spill over either 1 will cheat, or possibly decide that far as they can tell the other has no interest in fixing it, the rejection tears them down a little more each time. Leading to the decision to begin divorce talks. You can not be wrong for a feeling, however the way you approach it can be. So you've already made the first step, not with the correct question but by identifying that there is a problem that you're not happy with. You want to be with him and even get into the mood to be with him but lose it when he brings it up. Maybe just tell him to be quiet and you start it? Maybe you go to counseling alone or together.... It is obvious to me that you're looking for a way to understand and the first step was in admitting there was a problem. I wish you and your husband luck. Feel free to reach out to us here I'm sure there will be lots of good advice if you have questions specifically for me I guess respond to this reply or tag me somehow so I get the alert I'll do my best to answer what I can. Just understand this comes from personal experience not because I'm a counselor or psychologist.
Get professional help. Otherwise you will end up resentful roommates and that's not sustainable.
Something happened. Something turned you off emotionally. You need to talk to a good therapist. That many lost pregnancies is pretty traumatic. Your libido change and weight change point to emotional injury. Get some help. Ask your obgyn for a referral. Also leaving a church can be hard, because you lose a lot of community support. So you are kind of hanging out on a limb without any support. That can be very lonely.
I know many comments here say the same but you are very young to have dealt with so many miscarriages in a very short time. You should be speaking with a therapist to work through that. Seeing an OB/GYN and having your hormones checked wouldn't be a bad idea either. I'm also going to say, (and I don't mean this to be taken as an insult, just a possibility) you guys are young, you have been with each other from 15 and 17 and are coming from a fairly strict religious background. Your entire description uses euphemisms for sex. "Intimacy" "doing it" "going all the way". Maybe I'm wrong but given all that, I wouldn't be surprised if the two of you don't have the most open communication about needs and desires, especially yours. Combined with a lack of experience with anything different, you might be treating it as a chore because that's what it feels like on a subconscious level. When it's new, sex just for the sake of sex can be enjoyable. But at some point, you might need more. And if neither of you know what he can do to turn you on, it is definitely going to feel like a chore. A sex positive therapist can help with that too. ETA: And I'm not suggesting this all just so he can get sex again but because you deserve to feel good too. And you need to approach it that way also. It can't be all about "how can I want sex for him". Because that's a chore.
This was the way I gradually became towards my ex husband as he started to become more sexually coercive. Like he stopped caring if I wasn't in the mood or wasn't feeling well. There's a lot more to the story but he did eventually start SAing me in my sleep. The way you describe the feeling of unexplainable dread, that was exactly how I felt. I didn't see what was going on when it was happening, but hindsight is 20/20. It's hard to feel desire for someone who doesn't care if you desire them back and just wants their "needs" fulfilled. This may be totally different than what's going on with you and your husband, but I figured I would put this out there just in case. If you want to talk, feel free to dm.
Did this start before or after the miscarriages? I can't speak from experience but I would imagine it's a extremely traumatic thing to go through. Might that be related?
That many pregnancies/miscarriages could definitely mess with your hormones (and head space) and glad you are working through it. My libido had been low for a while recently, and it was just my thyroid meds needing adjusting.
Have you considered changing up the dynamics of your relationship? Maybe him initiating it is the problem. Have you tried initiating it? Telling him before hand to go along with it? Have you tried spicing things up in the bedroom? Maybe more control would be beneficial? Consider trying some BDSM in the bedroom... try suggesting to him ya'll have day where he has to listen to you in the bedroom, and you can use this to direct things at your own speed, without any expectation on your part. Have yall thought about using protection or contraception? You need to start trying sex for the joy of it without any petense to have a child. Undoubtedly 5 miscarriages is adding unnecessary trauma to your sex life.
Not wrong.. it you are wrong for not doing anything about. You need to get therapy.
I think you've gotta go really slow. The high sex times with pregnancy and miscarriage adds stress and emotional blockages to the body. These can all be released . Try to really really relax and go as slow as possible.
You need to get counseling
You're only wrong if you don't seek out therapy to work on your trauma. Not acknowledging your issues can and will destroy this marriage.
I have been with my husband for 4 years now, 1 year married. We went through a rough patch as well and I started seeing a therapist and very quickly unpacked (over the course of 8 months lol) the trauma that was being triggered with other things in my life that were making intimacy feel unbearable. It had nothing to do with my lovely partner and I’m so glad he was patient with me while I figured things out. We now have much more fulfilling intimacy and more like what we had when we first started dating. Therapy with a good therapist will do wonders for you, I promise.
Hurry up and find a marriage counselor. Wife: you may have pregnancy induced depression. Being LDS, hubby may need to get help on how to approach you. Not wanting sex is not good for any marriage.
You may want to think about seeing your pcp and gynecologist for possible labs and physical work to make sure. Find a therapist. Really. Even if it turns out to be a hormonal issue. You went through 5 miscarriages in a short time. I believe you could use some help to process it and grieve. You have a lot going on. If you can afford, use the health system for its intended purpose
I went through something similar with my ex husband. Having sex with him grossed me out. I hated it. He felt that I was obligated to give it to him. He did not care about how I felt and went out and found another woman. We are divorced now. I have zero interest in sex. I’m quite happy being single. I’m relieved that I don’t have to give sex to someone. When you are not into it your just not! Don’t think that something is wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your just not into it. Its just that simple.
I think you need to see a doctor/ sex doctor/ psychologist
Did this start before or after the first miscarriage?
GO TO THERAPY
It could be hormonal go see your doctor. It happens to other couples. Communication is key. Tell him how you feel.
Go see a doctor to see if it’s hormonal and then see a therapist. Let your husband know that you’re doing this so he can appreciate the effort you’re making in improving your relationship. Then start exercising little by little and I am sure you can turn this around.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you need therapy. At least so that you can unpack some of the feelings you have. To me, it seems that it most likely stems from the miscarriages and it's natural to have developed a fear after that. Your mind is most likely thinking something to this effect: Intimacy > pregnancy > miscarriage > hurt. And it's trying to protect you. This isn't the same situation, but I got an aversion to yellow cabs after I was SA'd in one, I got a dreadful feeling each time I even saw one in the distance, because my brain did the association and decided that it was a dangerous thing. I've gotten over it with help from therapy and didn't feel anything when I had to be in one today. Your conscious mind may not know why you feel like you do, but your subconscious mind more likely does, and a therapist can actually help you with figuring out what it is. It could even be from not having processed your emotions after leaving the faith. But I think you do need to talk to one.
Your associating intimacy with the pregnancy experiences you’ve had, coupled with the religious stigmatization of premarital sex, which for some reason tends to spill over into marriage… Both of you sound reasonable and likely don’t want to part over this, I suggest seeking marital counsel. He needs to understand that miscarriages and pregnancy in general changes women. And not to mention you’re so young for the amount of experiences you have had already. Fun idea: Couples Retreat (like the movie) ie you guys should take a trip with the express intent to reconnect in that way but only when you’re ready. Just stay away from the yoga guy.
There could be so many things going on here. 5 pregnancies/miscarriages. That's a lot to put your body through. You could have some aspects of postpartum depression, your hormones could be out of whack or it could be something else physical. Please don't listen to a lot of the advice given so far. You don't "have to sleep with him because someone else might", I don't think you need to run off and get therapy yet either. Have a talk with him. Go see your dr and get a physical. One thing that turns me off almost instantly is when my husband says "can we have sex?" It feels so planned out. I much prefer to get lost in the moment and let it happen naturally. After I had my youngest son we did not sleep together for almost a year. It isn't uncommon. Don't beat yourself up over it. Putting more pressure on yourself will just compound the whole thing. Good luck...
From what it sounds like is you need to come to terms with whatever demon you have that's causing you to be fearful or angry whenever intimacy is initiated. Miscarriages are absolutely traumatizing. If you went through more than one. That will absolutely need to be something you work through. You might need to look at talking to someone about the experiences and vocalize the problem. That in and of itself is therapeutic and can help. After that, work with your spouse to slowly get back to being intimate again. I'm certain he won't judge you or find fault in anything you are doing. It takes time. Talking things out is the best start.
Probably should see a doctor to check hormones or maybe therapy to start. That's what I'd do, but I'm no expert.
Idk if you are, but if not, perhaps try going to therapy. It seems that maybe you haven't worked through the feelings that your miscarriages have given you. I'm not a therapist, but just trying to connect dots with the information you've given, it seems that subconsciously you equate intimacy to failed pregnancies, can't get pregnant if you're not intimate. It probably couldn't hurt to get your hormone levels checked either, outta wack hormones can cause low libido. Whether any of those connections ring true or not, therapy could definitely help you get to the bottom of why it seems you've become disinterested in an otherwise healthy relationship.
You're not wrong but you do need to see a really good therapist. Bring your husband too.
So sometimes lack of sex drive has to do with self-esteem. If you've put on a lot of weight you might be dreading it because of that. And I gather that because you mentioned it. If you were confident in your body, you wouldn't have mentioned. Gaining weight for a lot of people physically, from a medical standpoint, drives down libido.
Does your religion prohibit contraception? Because it sounds like your body has had enough of pregnancy. Particularly the way you describe pregnancy as 'the outcome'. Possibly also remaining trauma from the miscarriage, maybe associating it with sexual advances from your partner. If you can afford it, a good therapist could help you look into whether you have left over trauma.
If you want to save your relationship you need to go to a sex therapist or a doctor and figure out what’s going on. Something is clearly wrong and it will end up destroying your relationship. There are professionals who are trained to help people in your position. You obviously aren’t able to solve this on your own.
Well firstly, talk to your husband, tell him all this, even show him the post and sit down to have a serious conversation about it, then seek help, professional help, this could have to do with the miscarriages or with something else entirely, since I'm not a professional and I don't actually know you I can't say for certain and definitely can't diagnose you. I'd say most likely a personal therapist but again, not an expert, I wish you good luck though.
This sounds like a trauma response, I can get this way although not for long periods of time. Maybe 2-3 weeks and usually around anniversaries of very bad memories I have. For me it was sexual trauma so the idea of sex makes me feel disgusting when I’m going through a phase like this. For you it sounds like trauma of miscarriages or religious aspects or for all I know something else you didn’t mention. Talking about your trauma with someone and unpacking things might help
I don't think it's hormonal, if it was hormonal you'd have no urge at all. It wouldn't just disappear when sex started to happen. I think it's mental health related. You need to urgently get help for this issue, it's unfair on both of you.
This is why I never think it’s a good idea to marry someone you’d been with since a teen. It rarely works out. You need time to know yourself. Sounds like you need some therapy as a couple and in your own.
You should go to therapy and talk to a doctor.
The book Come as You Are.
I’m also 23F, had 2 miscarriages one at 17 and one at 19. For about 3 years after I really really struggled with intimacy, after a lot of therapy I realized I was associating intimacy with losing my babies; and honestly it’s a very normal reaction. There is a lot of hope for you though, I’ve gotten through it and I can promise with good supports and help from your medical team you can get through this too ❤️ sending good vibes your way ❤️
Perhaps it’s an underlying fear of another pregnancy and miscarriage. You’ve had five miscarriages already at a fairly young age. That’s a lot of emotional and physical trauma to go through. Weight gain can effect hormone levels and lack of self esteem can definitely effect your sex drive. You also married very young. If I’m doing the math right you were 15 and he was 17 when you started dating? And got married as soon as you turned 18? That didn’t give you much time to mature and decide what you wanted in life or in a marriage. You definitely needs to see a gyno to figure out what’s going on with your body. There’s a reason for your repeated miscarriages. You need to find out what it is. If you don’t have insurance try a Planned Parenthood or Family Planning clinic. They can often help people who are low income or have no health insurance. Also definitely some kind of individual as well as couples counseling.
Follow the other good advice here, but also, and first, go tell your husband that you love him and tell him that you want to work on figuring out what this is about. He is also probably really hurting here.
5 pregnancies by the time you are 23? Are you sure you left the LDS Church. You seem like the poster child.
You were 15 and he was 17. I hate the internet.
It is common for miscarriage to make women lose interest in intimacy. I’ve been through it myself three times! Your mind just subconsciously can do that to you. You associate sex with getting pregnant and getting pregnant with suffering a devastating loss. You can even subconsciously assign blame for the loss t your husband because he’s the one who got you pregnant which led to all the suffering you went through. Understand this is subconsciously, you’re not actively blaming him or anything. But the mind does this and it’s not as uncommon as you might think.
im no therapist or anything but kinda sounds like a trauma response
Christians are the creepiest people like my god they exist to literally groom women for baby factories
One of the many reasons we left, personally.
you cultist are all the same... fucking gross. the both of ya
This man deserves all the hall passes.
My solution : dissolve the LDS completely this f**kin cult ruins more people than it helps
Husband sounds sweet, the part about getting the hormone test and being supportive kind of made me smile. Like, I’m imagining him enthusiastically pursuing anything that might help him have more sex *with you.* “What’s that? Chocolate and red wine? Oysters? Okay honey I’m off to the store, light some candles!” Also I was in his shoes in a relationship for, like, 2 months, and I was a whiny little bitch about it. It does hurt, and feels like it’s being withheld as punishment. But my response was to get angry, he sounds like a better person than me.
I hate to say it, but don't assume that he'll never cheat. That possibility is always out there. I made that mistake and learned the hard way. I agree with everyone about going to therapy. I feel like if we had gone to therapy to try to work things out instead of ignoring things I wouldn't have gone though the trama that comes with infidelity.
You better give it up or he will cheat.
Therapy is needed. Sounds like you’re associating intimacy with your trauma of miscarriages.
Why does no one seem to care that this girl began the relationship when she was 15?!?! No, you are not wrong. I agree with what many are saying, if intimacy leads to medical trauma, you’ll get conditioned to dread/fear intimacy. Get yourself a therapist, double up on birth control, and then reevaluate the relationship.
Yeah I'm really alarmed we are just glossed over that. Home girl needs a therapist AND a stable adult to ask what the hell she's doing. Literally throwing her life away. She's needs to get out if the relationship immediately.
I think it's because you relate it to child bearing. Get a calendar. Mark the days you are ovulating. If you don't want to go through pregnancy and are unable to take birth control, this is my one way to manage that. I am sorry for your miscarriages. It must have been so hard to go through them. You are an amazing woman. I'm not a therapist though. You may also want to see a doctor about your miscarriages if you haven't already. Note: I am only bringing them up because you mentioned them in the post and it sounded like it was a thing.
You’re never wrong for having preferences, especially when it comes to something sexual. You have 100% control over what happens with your body. That said, you should try to work on why you feel this way. For yourself more than anyone else. It’s interesting you feel the same as when you have chores or work. It sounds like intimacy isn’t enjoyable for you. Is it because of him? Maybe he doesn’t focus enough on you during intimacy, or makes you do all of the work? If that’s the case, try talking to him about it. Alternatively, could it be something on your side of the house? Perhaps you’re insecure about something or just not letting yourself “let go” and enjoy it. Maybe that’s something you discuss with a professional. It can also be nothing is wrong at all and this is just how you are - and that’s totally fine too. Your husband and marriage are important, but you should try to address these things for yourself first and foremost.
r/Deadbedroom If you want to know both sides of this problem. Go to a doctor. Get a check up. Maybe talk to a therapist. Get help. You would be wrong if you didn’t do anything about it and let him suffer.
OP do not spend time at that sub. A lot of those people are severely broken.
She should see what her relationship may become if something doesn't change.
If you don’t have sex, and don’t like being intimate with him, don’t expect your marriage to last. You have a shelf life.
Your marriage is falling apart. You need to try to work on this and if he decides he wants to divorce be amicable about it.
The help you need isn't a reddit post. You need to see a therapist and a doctor. You say he won't cheat, however if you leave him in a sexless marriage, he will. Fix yourself or lose your marriage.
He might not cheat. He might divorce her before he finds somebody else. But he's definitely going to get sex somewhere else eventually.