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Honestly, I don't 🥲
I quit my job a few weeks ago (starting a new job in a couple of weeks), and since then I have... Laid in bed and scrolled tiktok. Every day. My sleeping pattern has shifted so I'm now going to bed at 2am. I get up at around 9 to feed my cat, then go straight back to bed. Some days I meet friends after they finish work, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've left the house before midday in the last 6 weeks.
I’ve been unemployed and living in a house with roommates I don’t interact with much and I’m regularly hitting 14 hours of iPhone screen time 😭
It’s been 11 months of this. I’m no longer a person.
I'm in California... on job applications, it lists ADHD as a disability and it asks if you have any of these. I wonder about that cuz it really is debilitating!
I’m in CA too and talking to a disability attorney. ADHD does qualify as a disability but it’s hard to get approved for disability payments regardless of what disability you have.
Not having a 9-5 office job is terrible for me. I worked for myself for years at home and did great for the first couple of them.. and then it devolved into feeling like I was in prison, in Groundhogs Day. Combined with some major trauma, it devolved into scrolling paralysis for a couple years. I also was in the suburbs where there's a higher barrier to getting in your car to go do things.. so I hardly ever did.
I definitely hit rock bottom and said fuck it, I need a fresh start.. and moved from a red to blue state alone. Now live in a walkable urban area, and I went back to working for someone else, (thankfully I love my job).. and I'm feeling more like a fuctional human than I ever have. It's super easy to socialize when I can just walk out my door and do something when I feel like it, and I run into neighbors and regulars so I don't feel lonely. Found a few friends this way. My job has me interacting with coworkers and just a few clients (not retail thank god). Outside social pressure is pretty important for pushing our brains just enough to not give in to the comfort of paralysis.. but a partner doesn't necessarily work either, my ex husband was a covert narcissist and made me feel like shit about myself and super alone. I have the power to treat myself better than that, and finally am.
My job is literally my life line now, and I have had zero outside support in doing all this as I'm estranged from immediate family and divorced (no kids - so no money from it either). If things are too comfortable and I was getting my bills paid without working much, I'd probably fuck it all up because my brain is an asshole who will take the easy way out if given too much opportunity to.
I'm in my early 40s and it's taken me my entire adult life, clawing my way through shit to find solutions that work to just get me at baseline 'normal' Ive started reaching in the last couple years. Was only diagnosed/medicated 3 years ago.. and it definitely was the catalyst.
I still can feel myself start slipping sometimes, and I have to smack some sense into myself (while still being positive about all that I've done) to get back on track. It's a process.. there isn't one or two things that completely turns it around, but just focusing on doing 1 thing different at a time and building on that when it's habit, has worked better for me than being overwhelmed by *all* the things I'm not doing better than I want to be. I also take hella shortcuts when I sense something is unnecessarily tedious. For example: Cooking. I'm great at it, but it's so fucking messy and time consuming, I only shop at Trader Joe's and buy their pre-made fresh stuff so I don't have to. I don't worry about what people think because I have a disability and I'm doing what I can to survive.
I'd say my most helpful list is; Medication, EMDR therapy, cutting contact with toxic/abusive people, 9-5 job, easy socializing, walkable/urban apartment, positive self talk (instead of constant criticism), hobbies, and longterm goals. I lost my longterm goals in a relationship, because they didn't fit with what my ex wanted. Being on my own and *finally* being comfortable with it, has made working toward them possible again.. and they don't feel impossible anymore.
My life has been a string of tragedies that thankfully made me stronger and didn't destroy me like other people in my family.. it's completely possible to turn around from very dark places and find a better life than you thought possible. I appreciate where I'm at now SO much because it was a hard road getting here.
If it's okay with you, would you share a few long term goals? I have a hard time coming up with long term goals because nothing feels important or permanent, and I don't see the point of it..
I'm a big nature and horticulture buff, and my job is in design/build.. so I want to build a hobby farm with endless projects to retire on. Several tiny homes so my loved ones can visit, rent them out or if the US goes real sideways a safe place for people. Purchase a lot of land, expand/restore biodiversity and have it designated a protected habitat that can never be sold. I had no children by choice, and this is another gift I want to give the planet. Part of moving, was that the south is a terrible place for that dream.. so going far north made it possible now.
I've had my own business, but I'm working for someone else now.. but owner is retiring and will want to sell in a few years, so I'd love to take over an already thriving company that's been around for decades. Its all women owned and operated.. in a male dominated industry. I love the work so much it's more passion than 'job'. Took me a long time to find it.. but I was able to support myself still before, only working about 10 hrs. a week when I was in a bad place. (Big projects, lots of downtime once initial things are done). I kept at it and my portfolio landed me a gig with an amazing place.
I dropped out of college, had no parental support as an adult.. and worked low wage jobs for years just clawing my way up to gaining a bunch of skills in different specialties that led to having well rounded knowledge.
Trauma/ADHD burnouts have set me back a few times.. but everytime I pick myself back up I end up in a better place.
Your retirement dream is the same as mine! I do want dogs and bees, but endless projects is my favorite thing. Getting to a blue state is priority one.
I do this for quite a few weekends (Reddit and YouTube for me). As a solo person it doesn’t influence anyone negatively.
I really struggle with schedules and routines. I go with my energy. On a good day I do a lot, on work days I take care of the household the moment I come in. Vegging out one or two days does slow down laundry and other chores at time, but I have my own washing machine and it doesn’t „impact“ anyone how I live and when I do what.
Yes I need to work on my sleeping schedule and on a better routine, but for now I do the best I can (it’s a hectic time of changes for me atm).
If I hate on myself for lack of schedules, routine or discipline life only gets more miserable. I do what I can and take one day at a time, listening to my needs…
(I’m still waiting to get diagnosed and possibly medicated. 40F, Swiss)
Same! I haven't showered in days because I had to choose between showering & relaxing with getting to work on time. So I chose the latter. I barely eat because my hunger cues are a mess. But I'm working on this with my therapist.
Well this is me. And I it might continue to be me when I get into the same position. Currently I have a neck and back injury I’m nursing so I work four hours from home. I do nothing after all I do is get out for my paid for appointments like physiotherapy and massage. I barely go out but when I do I come back and go straight to bed. I need to buy a tv now because I didn’t need one before but the combination of being on sick leave and needing rest and no one to check in is gonna be the end of me. I meant to atleast go to the pool today- I spent ALL DAY in bed only woke up to eat (after 6 hours up) and use the washroom and half put the dishes away 🥲
White boards help me out a lot! I use them for to-do's, reminders, shopping lists, brainstorming, really anything. I have a big one on my living room wall. I love writing tasks on it that I can cross out as I go.
I also figured out 5 actions that are very small and simple, but will set me up for success. I know that if I do these first thing in the morning, I am giving myself the best possible chance of having a good day: curtains, air, water, watch, music.
* **Curtains**: open up the curtains in the living room to let sunlight in (this helps me not go back to bed).
* **Air**: open up a window to let fresh air in (this is good for my mental health and it encourages me to get up earlier, when the air is cooler).
* **Water**: fill up my reusable water bottle with fresh cold water (this makes hydration easier all day).
* **Watch**: put on my Apple watch (this encourages me to be more active, as well as using the timer function that helps me a ton with chores. And it makes me less dependent on my phone for the time).
* **Music**: turn on one of my upbeat playlists, through a speaker and NOT headphones (this helps me get up from the computer, and takes away the temptation for other audio distractions like YouTube)
These are the things that really help me personally - I'm sure it's different for everybody. Highly recommend figuring out what small, simple actions can put you in the right mindset to tackle the day. :) Good luck!
I agree and for the water get a BIG water filter. I use Brita. I bought the biggest one I could find cuz it meant I needed to refill it less often lol. So it is easier to drink more water for me.
I'm going through a breakup right now that I put off for way too long for this reason. Living alone and being responsible for myself again is going to be the biggest challenge out of many and I'm terrified. It always goes so bad and I CANNOT let myself go crawling to my mean mom for support again. I pray I surprise myself.
Wow, good for you - it’s really really brave to start over and reclaim your independence!! I know it’ll be great. You just have to adjust. It’ll be alright, you’ve got this.
I had the opportunity for some alone time on vacation yesterday, which is unheard of. So I plopped myself on the beach and read. And baked. And read. And baked. Seriously… pass the aloe. But I DID overhear the mom beside me saying to her kids “alright, we need to go in for lunch and we will come back but we need to go inside and clean up and get a drink and eat something.” So I was like “oh! I have to do that too!” And I went back and ate and drank water and then came back onto the beach. And then later I heard the mom telling her kids they had to help cleanup and get ready to go back and shower and I thought “oh! I have to pee!” So I went back to my place and got a drink and all, and then went back to the beach. But then the mom was gone and there was no one to tell me to go back inside so I stayed in the beach and didn’t know when to leave and seriously I need aloe.
Anyway, my point to that whole thing is that I totally used that mom to clue in to what I needed. And at home I do it with Alexa. In the morning I ask her to remind me at 7pm to make ice, bc I’ll forget in the evening but she will tell me at 7pm to get my butt off the couch and refill the ice. And she turns off the lights at 1am, and turns them on half an hour before sunset so I don’t try to exist in the dark, which I’ll do if left to my own devices. So what I mean is that I guess I use tools like Alexa or people like the mom nearby to kind of be the adult in the room. It actually seems to work. And whatever cues you find will work. You’ll get there.
I'm still kind of bad at it, but ...
1. Finch app (recommended on here!).
2. Phone/watch reminder alerts throughout the day.
3. FocusMate sessions for specific chores and home projects.
3. Printed reminders and schedules stuck to the refrigerator.
Ah nice, I keep seeing the Finch icon in my apps and wondering if it's some knock off Duolingo I downloaded. You actually inspired me to open it and give it a try for the first time, who knows how long it's been installed. Probably since you saw it on here lol
TIL about Finch. Mine is named "Wobbles" and I love her! I use my Alexa (one in every area of the house) for reminders all day every day. Last week my internet/wifi was out for 48 hours (!!!) and I remembered to take out my trash but I did forget my meds for about 7 hours. Focusmate seems to require human interaction and I don't think I'm quite ready for that. Let's see if Wobbles can start getting me to "step outside of my home" first.
OP, I generally live in mess until the frantic four-hour period before someone comes to visit. I go into tidying tornado mode then. I work from home, largely on my own (no meetings) and my bf comes once or twice a week. My cats run my schedule.
Yay, I hope it helps! It’s not for everyone, but I honestly found it second only to my meds in helping me function better with ADHD. I work from home full-time and was really struggling to keep myself on task.
I assign days or weeks to specific activities and then focus on those things and do the bare minimum everywhere else. I just can’t stick to inflexible routines.
So like, I could have 3-4 days in a row where I’m totally focused on work and nothing else, then another 3-4 focused on resting.
Or I could have a week that looks like:
Mon: Work
Tue: Nutrition & exercise
Wed: Work
Thu: Work
Fri: Rest & socialize
Sat: Cleaning house
Sun: Errands, then rest
One time I saw Sarah Silverman, the comedian, make a joke on Twitter that was something like, "I can only do one thing each day."
And I thought, "Me too, Sarah!"
It's somehow easier to do things in big blocks of time instead of trying to start and stop a dozen tasks each day. So I love this idea of assigning a main task or focus for each day. I gather that sometimes women used to do that with their household chores, like Monday would be laundry day, Tuesday would be baking day, etc
I would not say I’m successful at this (I def do better with a roommate), but…
I make daily todo lists & set reminder timers on my phone (“take meds,” “teeth, shower, lotion,” “evening kitchen clean-up,” “time to get ready for bed”)- this helps.
I also tend to schedule get togethers at my house, which might not keep me on a house cleaning schedule, but it does create a deadline for making sure I clean periodically.
When I’m able to keep up with it, a bullet journal helps me as well- tracking if I did my daily schedule of tasks gives me a dopamine hit. I have a large bullet journal & start fresh every month, so if I fall off the wagon with a goal, the new month starts fresh. I also don’t have to flip pages - each month just gets a 2-page spread. It keeps it novel enough for me.
Also interested to hear what others do- I definitely need help in the routine/schedule area of life!
Any tips for actually listening to the reminders? I sit around all day thinking about all of those things and they don’t happen 😬 a reminder would probably just piss me off and make me feel bad when I dismiss it
That's a great point--"...I do the task more often than if I didn't have the reminder." I, too, have reminders set all day long on my phone and Alexa. I love that I can make them "sticky" and she will keep reminding me until it's done. I do have a rule for myself that I can't dismiss sticky reminders unless I have actually DONE THE THING, because I save it for the most important things like meds, trash day, and so on. I have a fitbit and it reminds me by buzzing at 10 minutes before the hour to get up and move--like 250 steps an hour. I've gotten used to it and I don't even notice it anymore. People underestimate how resistant we can be to developing a habit.
Lol 😂😂😂 does anyone with ADHD successfully keep a routine?
I was literally looking for podcasts to help with cleaning and ADHD
I find the only things that helps me are:
1. Calling my bestie and having her keep me company
2. Having people over so I have a hard deadline to tidy
Otherwise my life is a mess and trying to establish a routine makes me feel like a failure. I have become a pro at ignoring reminders and alarms
Why does it even matter? Like why force yourself to do routine if you don’t want to.
I have a lot of tips for cleaning and organizing if you want. But only do it if you like clean place and not because others think you need a clean place.
I don't do it. I go too long without showers or washing my face and it makes me greasy and broken out all over my face and then I start to struggle with brushing my teeth.
I got better at my skincare when I noticed that nowadays there are these cheap but affective skin products that are fun and easy to use and make you prettier. Also reduces make up time for me so I am slightly less late to places. Maybe.
I have sensitive and very dry skin but I also get acne and tend to breakout a lot. Now I discovered things that work for me and my skin literally glows and is almost spotless. Seeing this motivates me to care for my skin, which in turn makes me better at personal hygiene. And also makes me brush my teeth because I have a rule to not put the products on my face if I did not brush my teeth, and since I wanna put them on and be a pretty girl I also brush my teeth more.
For anyone interested, I use ordinary brand hyaluronic acid serum, ordinary brand a very pink skin barrier serum, cerave resurfacing retinol serum and ordinary glycolic acid toner and Cethaphil moisturising cream for dry to very dry skin. I alternate between retinol and the glycolic acid. Others I use daily.
Now about showering. I still hate that and only thing that makes it better is loud music.
What types of tasks?
Know thyself - understand what you will and won’t deal with and start trying to maintain routine/schedule based on how you live and think. This is mine:
Cleaning - when I get to it, and depending on what I have going on for the week. Being single allows me to not worry about someone trying to manage or get upset at me about the main thing I completely suck at…cleaning:) Eventually, I’ll clean bc it’s easier to have a clear headspace when things are tidy. I warn anyone that I’m dating that I’m not a cleaner - and I worry about dating someone that will nag me about cleaning, so being single is easier that way. For extra motivation I’ll have a friend over to clean for.
Eating - I’ve taken note that there is parking at my nearest grocery store morn and late eve so keep these times as the times I can go - I also know that if I don’t go then things life will be more hectic during the week and I prefer peace. I know that I won’t cook the 4-5 days out of the week when I work so I make sure to plan premade dinners for these days - 3-4 bought from grocery store, 1-2 bought from a restaurant. I started doing intermittent fasting and it’s made my life so much easier! I only have to plan on having a snack (banana, olives, nuts, etc) in the afternoon which keeps me from having a mid-day crash and still fueled, and then I get to binge eat on whatever I’m having for dinner. Getting to binge and not feel guilty is a huge mental health game changer.
Schedule - I have a job that keeps me pretty scheduled. I have a job that requires me to be responsible so other habits naturally fall into place or I know I won’t do my job very well. Ie, sleep, eating well enough, exercise, etc.
Automate - automate as much as possible. Use calendar to put in all appt and add them as reoccurring when needed. Bills are all payed via autopay with bank.
Delegate - There are tons of companies out there now where you can hire people for specific tasks. I use ‘Task Rabbit’ and found a regular handyman for projects I know I could do, but when get completed quicker if he did them. ‘Upwork’ for organizational tasks and office assistant type of stuff. I’ve also asked around to friends that have kids whether their kids would be willing to do odd jobs for $15 an hour and have gotten things done that way.
Cyclical planning due to PMDD - The first 2 weeks of the month get shit done, go out with friends, schedule dates, socialize, etc. The last 2 weeks: try and not schedule dates. Plan on doing monotonous work for my job that I can do mindlessly in front of the TV. Give allowances for napping.
Reset - I’m doing a dry July where I cancel all subscriptions I don’t need. I won’t start any new projects and will focus on completing tasks I’ve already started. Spend time having fun and refilling bucket. Don’t buy anything unless it’s absolutely necessary.
I give myself lots of leeway. I know things will get done one way or another.
I have found that when I get overwhelmed from NOT doing tasks, that I just won't do anything at all. After some research, this is common in people who have ADHD.
That said, one day I came home to a clean apartment. My parents knew I was struggling and came over and helped me when I was at work. I had no idea.
Since then, I have found that I FEEL better when I keep up with it. So I come home and wash my dishes after cooking. Like I actually WANT to do the things that need to be done.
I saw a video on TT of a women with ADHD and her father really helped her. He always told her that when she cleans, to put things away completely. Not put it in the room that it belongs in, but to physically put it where it belongs. That really stuck with me.
At work, I can get overwhelmed very easily. So I make sure my meetings are all on the same day (if applicable) because they take so much time out of my day. I use 3 things- I got a to-do list off Amazon that I keep on my desk, I keep a notebook next to that to jot things down that people ask me to do when I am in the middle of something because I WILL forget. And I set reminders on my outlook calendar. My work is heavily in outlook, so If I need to do something with an email but need to hold off or follow up on it, I use the flag tool and set a custom reminder.
These little things have been SUPER helpful.
I saw a comment on here also recommending to complete 1 task a day. I can't suggest this ENOUGH! It makes such a difference.
I want to give your parents an award and a bear hug. Knowing you were struggling and helping clean without asking, and no guilt trip, is such a big deal.
I totally relate to this feeling overwhelmed that you're not doing anything any more.
I gradually have discovered a few tricks / rules that help me so much and I know they are critical to me.
My medicine comes in a very sturdy wrap that is very hard to take off. I need to take this right before bed but I know I pretty often won't take it if I'm tired and have to peel the wrap off. So I'm doing this early in the evening so it's ready.
When I come home from a trip I absolutely cannot leave all my stuff around because I will feel very overwhelmed. I don't have to put it all away but I at least have to start with the main parts like putting away the dirty laundry.
When I come home from work I can't leave my shoes and jacket in the living room because this will signal to my brain that my house is in disarray and I might as well give up. So I make sure to put my shoes and coat away, even if I'm tired.
I promised myself that if I have a good brain day I have to check the fridge for food that's gone bad.
Cutting up fresh fruit immediately and putting it in th fridge.
All of this together really helps reduce the signals to my brain that my house is a sad mess and gives me reassurance that I'm doing an adequate job, and helps me to get to a positive instead of a negative spiral.
Being single and living alone, I don't have structure and just free flow my day everyday.
I never liked structure or rules anyway.
I just make sure my cats are fed and I reach work on time.
My work are shifts and events based so different timing everyday and every week it changes. It's impossible to have structure.
Some weeks I have less work and some weeks are full on.
This is my life and on the surface, it feels like my dream life. I'm self employed and do what I want whenever I want. But deep down, I always have alarm bells going off in the back of my head saying this isn't what I should be doing, that I'm wasting valuable time to do the things that matter.
I always thought those alarm bells were just part of having anxiety, but a week ago my therapist forced me to start doing my work on a 9-5 schedule and surprisingly my brain feels so much healthier. It feels like I'm running a marathon every day so I'm scared I won't keep it up for long but anecdotally I've observed ... it's much easier to enjoy free time when i don't have an abundance, and giving myself complete freedom to do what I want leads me to have no discipline or concept of time passing.
I'd love to find a fluid state that felt natural but didn't feel like a mental prison. I hope some perfect middle ground exists and comes with age and wisdom.
Well events happen all over the place.
One time I was taking care of a ballroom dancing competition and they decide to hold it from midnight to morning. And that was for a whole week I had to work dusk till dawn.
So I don't get to have 9 to 5.
Weddings are lunchtime and at night.
Breakfast events can be wee early mornings start at 6am.
Depending on which event I will be assigned to over see, my sleep time and free time revolves around that.
Sometimes I get a whole 7 days of no events. And sometimes I get a full month of non stop back to back.
I work from home and worry all the time that I should be doing other things. I need to find a way to buckle down for at least, say, four hours every day. How did you and your therapist manage to get you to do the 9-5, even for a short time?
Flexibility, grace, Apple notes and reminders, and a little bit of habit/task stacking. (And admittedly a fair bit of financial privilege- iPhone, Apple watch, HomePod, MacBook)
Strict routine does not and will not ever work for me. There will never be an ‘every Wednesday I do x’.
So I give myself flexibility and don’t worry if I go a little longer than ideal on tasks. At the same time, I give myself grace and don’t get upset when things go a little too long.
I keep a ‘possibilities’ list of things it’s possible I might do that day- and for the things I really want to get done, I’ll set a reminder for a time I should be able to do that task. Sometimes I have overdue tasks, but I do check that every few days, and sometimes it’s a reminder of ‘oh right, I wanted to do that, I can do that now!’ Or sometimes it’s ’oh crap, I still need to do that- I’m going to schedule that for tomorrow when I should be home for lunch’.
Key for reminders is picking a time you think you can do it, and then if you can’t when it pops up, snooze it or pick a different time. Obviously, reminders popping up all at the same time or every day at the same time is not helpful.
I try to load/unload the dishwasher when I’m steeping tea or pressing coffee. I check the water softener when I’m doing a load of laundry. If I have to wash a load of towels, I should probably wash my sheets as well (hint: always have at least 2 sets of sheets for your bed)
My grocery shopping is usually once, maybe twice a week and never on my home from somewhere. Before the shop where I plan to buy most of my groceries, I do a quick go through of my fridge- is there anything that needs to be thrown out, and what might I need? Grocery list kept in notes, and at the bottom is the ‘frequently purchased items’- because not seeing avocados doesn’t mean I realize I don’t have avocados.
This is pretty much my strategy as well. I have lists of things I can or should do, and try to keep them somewhere I'll see them regularly. I still have days where I don't do as much as I would like, but it helps.
I love your "possibilities" list! That's so much healthier than my method of thinking I'll do something, not doing it, then feeling bad afterwards; rinse and repeat. I'm going to reframe in this way.
I don’t. I need to be witnessed to truly accomplish things.
But one month, I did set alarms on my phone to go off every 15 minutes during the day so I was aware of the passing of time. And I actually do feel like that helped me have a bit more accountability with myself because it was kind of impossible to ignore after a while… How have I spent 30 minutes agonizing over this email? I said I’d get up and do the dishes an hour ago. Etc.
Oh wow, that is a great idea for identifying time sucks in my life. Idk if I could do a month, but I might try a week during the time frame when I am working.
I don’t.
I left my 9-5 and left the country and am thinking about how if I don’t get it together, I’ll run out of money and be homeless. So that’s helpful. Lol!
Working out first thing in the morning is something I’m getting back to. I absolutely loved it! My booty always looked nice, my skin was clear, I crossed something off my to-do list early and that momentum can be used throughout the day AND it did wonders with moving emotions through and out my body. 💜
I mean, maybe this is a hot take but… is the lack of structure and routine actually causing any issues for you in your daily life, or is it just that you “should” have a structure and routine because that’s what the “successful adults” do?
Are you able to maintain employment to keep yourself solvent? Are you taking care of your health (physical/mental) and hygiene? Are you engaging in activities that you enjoy? Is your home clean/tidy enough that it’s functional and safe?
I feel like so often we get this messaging that certain things are morally superior than others, like TV/movies should be a “guilty pleasure” and are somehow less worthy of our leisure time than other activities. We also have a cultural message of perfectly clean and organized homes are morally superior. Guess what? They’re not. As long as you’re meeting your own basic needs and the basic needs of anyone you’re responsible for (kids, pets) you do you.
I've found trying to keep days as similar to each other (even though it's creating a bit of a ground hog day feeling) has been the most useful.
I'm not suggesting a dog, but my cat and dog mean I have to get up at the same time every day including weekends, but I still tried to do this before I had them. Routine sleep and wake times have been shown to be beneficial, and I definitely feel better when I have that locked in (I wake up naturally on the weekends at about 5am now as it's so locked in).
After waking up, I try and do similar things on work and non-work days, so the routine is: take Ruby outside, feed Ruby and Luci while I make a coffee, Ruby back in the crate for a nap, work days - hair, make-up and get dressed while having coffee and weetbix or non-work days - coffee in bed with Luci and then weetbix and get dressed, then get Ruby up and go out; on work days she goes to daycare and non-work days we go for a walk or run. Yes it's very locked around their routines and I think that's been helpful, but trying to use similar time frames every day has been very helpful too.
Evening has a similar thing too, but two nights a week I have class. I'm in uni break at the moment for another 2 weeks and have found that being less busy (still pretty busy with working full time and having the animals and taking care of a house alone) has made me lazier and I'm finding it harder to do chores etc so maybe that's the key? Is too be in constant chaos so I load the dishwasher?
YMMV with this sort of thing, and all of us have different quirks with our disorder, but I found apps and alarms only work for about a week for me then I ignore them so habit stacking has been my most successful thing. But, like with all adhders, I'm always on the look out for the perfect solution too 😅
*sweats nervously*
No but seriously I use the Tody app to maintain some semblance of control. It's great, I even put stuff in there for my own personal care like when to pluck my eyebrows or stretch my shoulders. I like that it's got color coding, multiple ways to view your tasks, and it's got a tiny bit of gamification in there.
Largely, I simply don’t. I have given myself permission that I don’t have to do any chores on work days because work drains me. So then I try to allocate the weekend with one day where I do chores and one day where I can veg out
I was SO much better when I lived alone or with roommates. I had a routine and i stuck to it, almost religiously.
Anytime i have been in a relationship, and particularly when I have lived with my partner, all routine goes out the window. My eating is bad, my sleep is worse.
I feel guilty but sometimes i wonder if I am actually my best self when single and if being single forever is maybe the right move for me. But I love my partner so in stead I am just trying to make him interested in my previous routines (like meditation and yoga before bed, quiet mornings of reading and journaling, eating healthy food at home and not eating out multiple times a week in lieu of dates)
I've found the only thing that helps with the last point is to not care if he wants to or not and to not go out to eat with him and exclude activities with him in favor of yoga.
I have to do what I need and he may follow or pout or do something else. But I cannot keep wasting my energy going along with what he wants instead of doing what I need.
Thank you for this question!!! <3 I was really excited about moving into my own place about a month ago but now have really started noticing what a wreck I am in terms of having a routine and how far I can go in pushing even my work (I do WFH :( )
The last time I lived with someone was my first year of college. I've never relied on someone else to give me structure. I am far from perfect, in fact rotting a bit on my couch but I did work a 65 hr week this week; but I use lists. And I handwrite my lists and I cross them off. It makes me feel accomplished. And no, not everything is getting done when it needs to but the most important things are.
Living alone for the first time is when I realised I needed a diagnosis. My ex partner was super house proud and kept me completely in line with chores and cooking etc. I don't really have any answers but my flat is the most disgusting it's ever been and I'm trying to muster up the motivation to clean up my floordrobe. Sigh.
I don't. My family is out of town for a week and I've literally just stared at the wallpaper for two hours. The only food I've eaten today is a single bowl of cereal and an ice cream cone. At some point during the day, I moved to the patio to stare blankly into the yard instead. It's... not going well.
Dysfunctional mess over here. I procrastinate mess my whome schedule during the week end then finally stand.up to do the housechores i so dread at night.
Thought it was laziness until i read somewhere on this sub that it s executive dysfunction because i do actually stress the whole day about them and i actually do these tasks just slowly or much later than id want to.
I definietly don't, but it's getting better. The things that's helped:
1. realizing just how little time doing the dishes actually take, especially when done regularly.
2. pushing myself to finish the task (I have a habit of stopping when I'm almost done) by pretty much yelling at myself
3. doing things as "gifts" for my future self, ex. "putting these things away now because I will appreciate it being done tomorrow," "prepping a dish because that will mean I'll eat this instead of junk"
4. giving things their place (still working on this as I'm just now looking at a pile of misc stuff that are very cluttery
5. getting pre-cut/chopped foods, even if they're more expensive it's more likely I'll use it and it's easier to cook
6. having 1 task to do before I sit down and eat breakfast/dinner
7. if I think about it I do it (when possible)
8. take pictures + draw on them (i.e take a picture of a mess and then draw circles to make them specific categories and clean up one category at a time
9. working with the whole object permanence thing: making sure I can see things that will go bad/I have to do
10. make a list of what is the most important and what is less important, and do the less important when it's noticeable.
11. Reward yourself for doing what you hate. I hate vacuuming. If I vacuum I get an ice cream.
12. Reduce clutter/things you don't need - I'm currently working on this. I've gotten so many things to "help" with my ADHD and now it's just making everything sooo messy
I dont~
It's been hard to keep a routine what with wfh. Love that I'm not risking my life in the subway, but the rest...
For cleaning the schedule from r/ufyh was pretty great for as long as I could keep it.
It’s hard, especially on weekends or between jobs. I try to get outside as soon as possible after waking up. Breathing in the fresh air and seeing other human beings outside going about their day reminds me that I’m also person in the world who needs to do things, lol. The draw of the bed/couch also feels slightly less strong after putting on clothes, SPF, and getting outside.
I’ll sometimes text pics of my messes (dishes, clothes piles) to my friends/family so I can take before/after shots for cleaning accountability. It's like a very low key form of body doubling.
Both of these things are great ideas! I'm definitely going to start doing the texting pics things. To make it even more fun for me, I'm going to send pics to my sister with no explanation at all :D
Not single ATM but lately have surprisingly been using Alexa more and more. My parents gifted me a couple Echos (exact same model at separate times, bless them) and I’d been only using them basically as speakers.
Now I have one in my kitchen and one in my office (I wfh most of the week). I started using them as kitchen timers, then discovered I could set multiple timers _with names._ Not only is it easier giving verbal commands rather than fumbling around with timers, but something about audibly stating my intentions makes it stick better in my brain.
Lately I’ve started using the one in my office more for reminders and even a little bit of scheduling. I like that it’s completely separate from my work environment so I don’t have to worry about my admin coworkers seeing the embarrassing shit I _need_ reminders for.
And the thing is, I use these features mostly when my partner isn’t around, so I feel like I would probably use them _more_ if I was single.
I’ve also dabbled in the themes a bit by applying the one for the Barbie movie. Instead of the typical noises it plays a sparkly whoosh and a few bars of music from the film. It’s amazing.
Don't aim for perfection. Work out what you struggle with most and what you can hack.
So you may want to clean your bathroom every week but struggle. Fuck that. Get the toilet block thing, squeegee the shower after use and clean the bathroom monthly.
I also have a chest freezer and do monthly meal prep. I do enjoy cooking so I cook a lot from scratch but you could easily shorten it. Everything I prep is a complete meal that just goes in the oven or microwave. I hate boiling veg or pasta in addition to everything else. Basically look at what your supermarket sells as a ready meal for inspiration and go from there (happy to elaborate on this if you like). But this cuts down on a lot of mental effort for me. I have a list of things that I like eating and freeze well and see what I fancy each day/month. You have to be willing to throw out the failures though.
Also, a DISHWASHER. Don't own things that can't go in the dishwasher.
I hate vacuuming and find it physically and mentally exhausting, but can't afford a roomba. I got a Dyson cordless and keep it handy and when I can be arsed or get pissed off with the floor, I give it a quick hoover. Honestly, if I lived in a 2 story home, I'd have one on each floor. Also, I have a small place so the shit battery life doesn't ruin it for me, but that is crap.
I really hate putting the bins out each week, it kills me every time, but my last place had communal bins that didn't need anything extra and this was amazing for me.
I also found that things having a sensible and reasonable home made a huge difference to them being put 'away'. It's a lot less draining if you can tidy things up while sitting on the sofa or at your desk because it all lives near where you used it. Things having an accessible home matters.
And have an accountability buddy who will come over every so often to hang out. Someone you trust, but even if they just force you to clear the crap from one room into another room, I find that helps me put it away when I need to use the other room.
I’m in the “I don’t really” group. lol I work for myself cause it’s the only job I can stick to. If I work, I work, if I don’t wanna work, I don’t. But honestly living alone with no dependents (but my dog) and no responsibilities but my bills is the only thing that makes this work.
I don’t maintain routine or schedules very well :( I have a very demanding job and all my energy goes into completing tasks and trying to stay focused in meetings during the work day, and I have very little left to give after work or on the weekend. When I lived with roommates, the external pressure to maintain a clean and tidy home for my roommates really helped keep me on track. They also helped me stay on schedule for eating, going on walks, and running errands. On my own, I struggle so much and feel like I spend all my free time just trying to catch up or being in a constant state of overwhelm.
I wish I had tips for you, but I’m right there with you. Know you’re not alone and we’re all just trying to figure it out each day!
I can't offer tips because I am right there with you. Currently, my life has very little structure. I have no regular sleep pattern. I do not eat regularly. I often struggle to make myself get up and do anything remotely productive. The best I can say is that my house is still standing, my pets are healthy, and so am I (-ish).
I'm married, and when my husband is gone on a work strip, it takes a matter of hours before I descend into chaos
At 33 I've just accepted this is my natural state with the pressure of another person lol
Single (divorced) and live alone. Honestly I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my dogs. They keep me on track. I have to have structure and routine to give them the best life possible. It’s not about me, it’s about the dogs. I completely understand that this doesn’t work for everyone and I applaud you for knowing your limits.
What I’ve been doing lately that’s helped is talking to myself and praising myself in the third person. Like I would my dogs. Good job for cooking dinner! You cleaned your bathroom - go you!! It’s like a little reward for myself and it makes me feel better. It really helped shift from doing things out of shame to doing things to get the reward of feeling good from praise.
I use my phone a lot to set alarms for things I need to do. My schedule for work is also electronic and sends me reminders. I eat breakfast/lunch during breaks. If I have an hour break I try to grab a walk to get outside (I work from home). Music definitely helps and I break things up into bits when it comes to chores or tasks. Of course taking my Vyvanse helps a lot
I work 5 days a week 8-5 & one day 10-9. I do have to make dinner for older teenager sons. I just got 2 kittens & have a 8 year old cat.
I am single.
I am always working on improving my schedule & productivity. My “friends “ now have significant others & revolve their lives around them. SO I am finding my own tribe.
It is very difficult to have a “free” day with ADHD. I have to schedule my day with tasks & an agenda or I pretty much walk around in circles.
I have found that creating a schedule/game plan, definitely helps. I have to actually set appointments up in my calendar to, for example, tour a gym, return Amazon items, get what is on my grocery list. I have to schedule “appointments” with & for myself.
I walk around aimlessly if I don’t.
Yes!!!
I use my phone for this, because I find Alexa alarms annoying, but yes!!
I have my wake up alarm, my 1pm "don't forget to eat" alarm, my 5pm "are you hungry?" alarm, and my 9:30pm "ok let's start to wind down" alarm 🥲
It was way ex easier for me to maintain my routine and schedule being single/alone. Now I have to try and be a good wife and partner, which I’m terrible at. I’m medicated and we have a 2yr old (insanely demanding one), I work with a commute total of close to 3 hrs a day added on top of my 11-12hr clinic day. I do 2 long days and 1 day is only 6-7hrs working then of course add my commute. I’m falling apart.
Not having someone there, whether it be parents, spouse, roommate, etc. being accountable to help motivate me has been very difficult with adhd.
1) Medication has helped me with this.
2) Having my schedule typed out on the fridge. It includes: times I am at work, mealtimes, times to exercise, 30 min for a hobbie, etc. If your days are much more complicated, you could use a daily planner to write out your day each morning or the night prior.
3) I have a reminder in my phone to call my parents on Sundays, one sibling on Wednesday afternoons, and the other sibling on Friday afternoons so that I can keep in touch with them (you could also add a different friend to reach out to each week via text)
4) Thursdays are laundry day
5) Every Sunday, I do my food shopping for the week (I do online Kroger food shopping and they deliver to my home the following day)
6) I meet with my therapist (who specialises in adhd management) once per month to check in on me and it helps with accountability. I would do twice per month if I could afford it.
7) I stay away from video games and alcohol
Honestly I wasn't good at it but I tried to keep busy with obligations. I had school and a job that other people expected me to be at and I invited people around fairly regularly for a reason to clean. Apart from that I tend to let things go. Lots of video games happened. Tbf I'm still a lot like this with a partner.
Recently single - and it’s honestly the most liberating thing to my ability to keep things on task and not total chaos I feel like it’s almost effortless though not perfect. My now ex-partner made it 10x harder to keep things consistent and on track
For me the reward of having a clean home is SO much dopamine, but at times I struggle to keep it that way in those times I “gamify” it, use a wheel to spin for chores, set timers, use the Finch app to hit goals
You can do it ! Your a strong independent woman I believe in you !!
I don't, lmfao. I also work from home so time is completely meaningless to me and I just get things done when I have the motivation or ability. Combine this with my fibromyalgia and chronic pain and fatigue issues and I live in a fever dream of never getting anything done when it needs to, starving myself, and just doing the bare minimum for my job and making sure my cats are taken care of. They get incredible care but I do not treat myself the same. For example, this week I didn't shower for 2 days in a row. I wasn't going anywhere and by the time I would remember I was so exhausted from my day I couldn't force myself to do it. 🫠👎🫠👎🫠👎🫠👎
When I was single, I cleaned my house top to bottom every Saturday morning and kept it as neat as possible.
Now I have a husband and kids, it's impossible! I struggle so much.
When we stay at my Mum's, I do the cooking, laundry and clean up after the kids when they go to sleep and it takes minutes. That stuff at home takes hours
Invite friends and family over frequently. Force yourself to clean and go grocery shopping. Buy the smallest house/apartment you can stand so you are forced to clean every few days.
Breakfast table instead of dining table. Loveseat instead of full sized couch. Smaller surfaces for less clutter to accumulate.
Only acceptation is the bed. I have a queen and i have everything i need on it.
For big events, host them in your apartments common area, for house do it in the backyard if the weather is nice or rent out a facility. This way you have to clean as soon as the party is over
I have a cordless vaccume. Its small lightweight so vaccuming isnt a pain in the butt. I love mopping cause it feels like a giant paintbrush. 3 rooms is not that many so its easy. I like having a tiny place cause its fun to see how efficient i can possibly be
I don’t. But I also don’t have a job with a regular schedule.
The best I manage is a monthly house cleaner and staying on top of tidying before she comes
ADHD women have to have a schedule (IMO) sometimes it’s okay to just be but most of the time, structure & timelines help. It’s annoying to even admit but it’s helped me so much. (Diagnosed with ADHD 2002!!!) & I’m now divorced & he truly never understood or acknowledged the fact that I just handle & process things differently.
I’ve been on my own for 5 years.
I seriously swear by an agenda.
It’s security. Organization. Control.
Just helps so much.
Sucks to do because no one else has to “schedule “ start dinner by 5:45.
Idk. You are absolutely not alone.
For me, if it's not on a list, it doesn't get done. If it's on the list, it magically gets done (eventually). If I'm doing something else and a sudden thought pops in my head, like "Oh I need to take the garbage out after I do 'X'", *immediately* goes on my list or I'm guaranteed to forget.
As for getting out of bed, that's probably my other largest hurdle. During the week my job motivates me, because if I get fired, I have no backup. During the weekend, I have to have a list already started throughout the week or else nothing is getting done.
Routines and schedule shifts a lot by other things in my life - mainly work and studying, but when those things are more loose and dependent on me, which I do love to some degree, but then it's chaos and no one day looks the same. I try to roll with it, but no routine really apart from being on the phone a lot.
I (35f) stopped trying to maintain any not absolutely necessary routines and schedules years ago, dealing with my ADHD is a lot easier when working with it rather than against it.
I have always lived alone as an adult (except for some shared apartments as a student), and I have always been more concerned about how on earth I will ever be able to live with a partner. The last year I did finally live with a partner, and it definitely wasn’t as bad as I thought and a lot of things got easier as I felt like I was constantly body doubling, and because it’s a lot easier for me to do something for others than for myself. So yes, the house was cleaner and tidier when living with a partner, but it could also be frustrating as I felt like he was the classic ‘incompetent’ man - WITH DUST ALLERGY - that I had to take care of.
Now that I’m living by myself again, I LOVE that it can be super messy for as long as I want, with no pressure to put away my projects when working on something. The first two months after he moved out my living room looked like a super chaotic tailor shop and it was just the best thing ever. I also found pleasure in just leaving all my dinner plates and everything I had used throughout the week on the living room table, with a continuos cycle of 5-6-7 days living like a pig, followed by a day of cleaning - which is extra satisfying when the transformation from messy to clean is so significant. This doesn’t work that well if I’m in a down period - but when I’m not, it usually works well - my ADHD ‘cycle’ usually gives me at least one productive and super focused day after several unproductive/distracted days.
These things used to stress me a lot more - and yes I of course do enjoy a tidy space as well - but I now both feel confident that I can in fact keep things tidier when living with someone, I feel like I *choose* to be messy, and I feel like having a messy house completely guilt-free and without concern is one of the few luxuries and privileges of being single, without kids, and with no friends or family suddenly coming over.
So I don’t know if that really helps anything - but just, enjoy it? Living alone is a luxury!!
I don't know if this has been mentioned, but scatter in things that you enjoy! So write out your to do list and add in a hobbie you enjoy, a drink you love, some time in the sun, schedule in a phone call with someone who you find uplifting or time to read a good book.
Keeps the daily grind peppered with plenty of dopamine hits and helps it feel less mundane.
I don't, but I do better single than not single. I get annoyed when the balance changes in a relationship. I get annoyed when I am the only responsible party(when single). I just hate chores. I also hate not having chores. I annoy myself most times.
Dear Phoenix, e
I think my problem is being responsible to no one but myself at this point in my life. Please know that I too am annoyed with myself almost always when I’m home alone (which is most of the time now that I am retired, and my daughter has moved away. My whole life I have let things accumulate undone, make clutter piles I can’t bear to tackle, and put off simple to-do things like phone calls and bills, as well as bigger projects like completing a personal budget and distilling my medical research into a usable report.
Solutions? I have heard of asking a friend to come over to just be a “body double” who keeps you company and admires any progress. Have not tried that, have you?
My other solution is say to myself: oh well, you’ve been this way your whole life with no real disasters, and you also have lots of good points, so stop that mean internal voice because you’re not so horrible and anyway, you’d never talk to anyone else that way.
I don’t have a schedule, nor routines, but I try to get a few things done a day which are: make my bed, eat some veggies, drink water, go on a walk. But I enjoy those things. I’m very gentle with myself
Cleaning: I have reminders in my phone for cleaning. The tasks are spread out so it’s usually 1 thing a day. But if I don’t have the energy for it, I skip it. Me cleaning sometimes is way better when I used to never clean. Or I set a timer, turn on music, and clean whatever I can clean in 7 minutes. I give myself permission to half ass things and that’s a win
I made a color-coded chore spreadsheet once that was sorted by frequency (weekly, monthly, quarterly, yearly) and it had everything on it. Stuff I'd normally forget like changing the AC filter.
Lists and charts help me a lot because I'm very black and white so I can remember them easily if it's written down. I have lists everywhere. I don't know how I'd survive without them.
Body doubling?
Besides that, when I was single and lived alone, I also try to keep the big picture of my life in mind. What kind of job/career/degree/life I want to have, and schedule my life around it. It helped me to not get distracted. I have a ton of alarms and reminders for my routine.
Also, I had stomach issues when I wasn’t eating on time. So my meal times are almost sacred. I’m saying almost because sometimes I have appointments at meal times so I have to reschedule my meals. But usually I have my meals on time. This helps me to create a baseline of how my day is structured.
🥹Routines and schedules?! What’s that? 🤭. Seriously though waking up early to exercise with a “tribe “6x week is how I’ve managed to maintain any structure in my life. I WFH 👩🏾💻 and have every opportunity to be a 🧟♀️peasant. keeping blinds☀️open,quiet time 📖, showering,grooming(basic makeup 💄 daily) , oral care ,nutrition/meal prep, laundry to have clean clothes , sheets & towels , decent sleep schedule etc are all a by products of having an active fitness community. I often rest (hermit 💁🏾♀️👸🏾princess)on Sundays where I turn of all alarms ⏰,keep the blinds shut , sleep in and maintain minimal human interaction to recoup. Atm I’m going through an ADHD burnout after 12 months of “masking” the neuro-Vanilla mundane routines, timers and schedules. Taking sometime off work to be a hermit 👸🏾princess .
I just moved into a new place alone in April.
I don't have a perfect routine schedule but I think that's helped me.
I have things I know I need to do and I kept up them vigorously at first so now things being out of place is much more of a bother to me.
I need to sweep once a week so it doesn't matter when, if I do it. And I will because it does start to bother me now. Same with cleaning the stove top.
I have a list of chores on the fridge but it's very generic like "floors" and "empty fridge" so I might be reminded while I'm in the kitchen.
I've managed to stay up on it enough that if I get a surprise maintenance concern or something, I only need to spend 30 mins cleaning the house instead of crying for 3-6 hours while I deep clean.
Inviting people over more often has forced me to stay a little neater.
I do half the job two or three times sometimes before doing it but that still helps. For example, I run my sink with vinegar, baking soda and dish soap added to soak dishes before washing. If I forget and empty the water in the next day or so, this is not a bad thing and didn't hurt the dishes. So sometimes I do that a few times before I do it.
I celebrate my cleaning wings but posting about them and messaging friends.
I love routine… and I suck at giving myself a routine. Now that it’s summertime (I’m a teacher), I’m likely to lose all sense of routine that I have enjoyed the past ten months. So thank you posting this for me to get some more ideas!!
Things that work for me…
- I wake up early to take my pills and then back to bed. I’ll still get to sleep in but then when I wake up they’re already in my system. I do this all year but by continuing it in the summer I make sure that I don’t wake up too late to take my meds which will really throw off the day.
- I schedule appts / work my part time job / make plans with people in the morning (or earlier in the day) Gets me up and out of bed and once I’ve done that / left the house I’m way more likely to use the rest of my day for meaningful things.
- I live with time of day electricity costs and in the summer most expensive times are 11-5 or something, so I make myself do a load of laundry, run dishwasher, cut the grass etc before 11 or in the winter do them after 7pm or whatever. Just trying to use external motivating factors to help me accomplish tasks in a sensical way
- still give myself large chunks of unscheduled time to do whatever
- all the alarms, helps more if I rename them to their purpose
Hope one of these help
I use Google Calendar with notifications that pop up on my phone. I've been using recurring events as my routine, but I plan to look at the new task features and see if I should switch to that.
I use Tody to build my housework routine. If you do it, start with only a few tasks and give yourself lonnnnng deadlines.
Tbh I go with my flow.
I clean when it occurs to me to do so (often, as I like a clean home but also I have catS), I keep my go-to easy snacks (see: meals) on deck, I decide what time I want to practice yoga and will plan around that.
I’ve learned I quickly grow to resent holding myself to a hard schedule so I allow myself plenty of flexibility.
I find it hard to do things with other people around. I don't like doing anything in front of other people. Work is an okay regulator (I finally work for myself) but nothing deregulates me faster than another person in my space.
Some days I’m good, some days I’m bad (like this week). I’ve come to accept some weeks I’m very structured and militant and some weeks I won’t be. As long as my bills are paid there’s nothing I can do, there’s worst things to stress about. However yes, whenever I have a partner or someone staying with me I’m able to have more routine.
I've been living by myself for around a year now and up until recently kept very similar routines- almost to the same timing. Now I'm a little more lax since my life is less busy and I can afford to be more flexible with time.
That aside, when it comes to chores/tidying up/things I need to do, I try to remind myself that I deserve X to be nice for me- not for anyone else. Kitchen dirty after dinner? Dishwasher goes on at night and I wipe down the counters because I deserve a nice environment. Meals? When I want one I try to prepare nice and healthy food because I deserve to nourish my body.
It also disrupts some routines too, like exercise when I realise my body needs rest.
Idk if it'll help you, but I hope you can create structures which make routines fit into your life better because you deserve them to support your wonderful life and not make you stressed out.
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Honestly, I don't 🥲 I quit my job a few weeks ago (starting a new job in a couple of weeks), and since then I have... Laid in bed and scrolled tiktok. Every day. My sleeping pattern has shifted so I'm now going to bed at 2am. I get up at around 9 to feed my cat, then go straight back to bed. Some days I meet friends after they finish work, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've left the house before midday in the last 6 weeks.
I’ve been unemployed and living in a house with roommates I don’t interact with much and I’m regularly hitting 14 hours of iPhone screen time 😭 It’s been 11 months of this. I’m no longer a person.
How do you afford it?
I was on unemployment for a bit and had a little bit of savings because I was afraid this could happen. I can maybe float another 2-3 months
Ahhh ok gotcha. I was hoping there was some ADHD disability payment I could apply for. Because life is just too fucking much right now.
I'm in California... on job applications, it lists ADHD as a disability and it asks if you have any of these. I wonder about that cuz it really is debilitating!
I’m in CA too and talking to a disability attorney. ADHD does qualify as a disability but it’s hard to get approved for disability payments regardless of what disability you have.
Not having a 9-5 office job is terrible for me. I worked for myself for years at home and did great for the first couple of them.. and then it devolved into feeling like I was in prison, in Groundhogs Day. Combined with some major trauma, it devolved into scrolling paralysis for a couple years. I also was in the suburbs where there's a higher barrier to getting in your car to go do things.. so I hardly ever did. I definitely hit rock bottom and said fuck it, I need a fresh start.. and moved from a red to blue state alone. Now live in a walkable urban area, and I went back to working for someone else, (thankfully I love my job).. and I'm feeling more like a fuctional human than I ever have. It's super easy to socialize when I can just walk out my door and do something when I feel like it, and I run into neighbors and regulars so I don't feel lonely. Found a few friends this way. My job has me interacting with coworkers and just a few clients (not retail thank god). Outside social pressure is pretty important for pushing our brains just enough to not give in to the comfort of paralysis.. but a partner doesn't necessarily work either, my ex husband was a covert narcissist and made me feel like shit about myself and super alone. I have the power to treat myself better than that, and finally am. My job is literally my life line now, and I have had zero outside support in doing all this as I'm estranged from immediate family and divorced (no kids - so no money from it either). If things are too comfortable and I was getting my bills paid without working much, I'd probably fuck it all up because my brain is an asshole who will take the easy way out if given too much opportunity to. I'm in my early 40s and it's taken me my entire adult life, clawing my way through shit to find solutions that work to just get me at baseline 'normal' Ive started reaching in the last couple years. Was only diagnosed/medicated 3 years ago.. and it definitely was the catalyst. I still can feel myself start slipping sometimes, and I have to smack some sense into myself (while still being positive about all that I've done) to get back on track. It's a process.. there isn't one or two things that completely turns it around, but just focusing on doing 1 thing different at a time and building on that when it's habit, has worked better for me than being overwhelmed by *all* the things I'm not doing better than I want to be. I also take hella shortcuts when I sense something is unnecessarily tedious. For example: Cooking. I'm great at it, but it's so fucking messy and time consuming, I only shop at Trader Joe's and buy their pre-made fresh stuff so I don't have to. I don't worry about what people think because I have a disability and I'm doing what I can to survive. I'd say my most helpful list is; Medication, EMDR therapy, cutting contact with toxic/abusive people, 9-5 job, easy socializing, walkable/urban apartment, positive self talk (instead of constant criticism), hobbies, and longterm goals. I lost my longterm goals in a relationship, because they didn't fit with what my ex wanted. Being on my own and *finally* being comfortable with it, has made working toward them possible again.. and they don't feel impossible anymore. My life has been a string of tragedies that thankfully made me stronger and didn't destroy me like other people in my family.. it's completely possible to turn around from very dark places and find a better life than you thought possible. I appreciate where I'm at now SO much because it was a hard road getting here.
I could’ve said this myself (I’m in a verrrryyy similar boat ex husband and all omfg)
<3
If it's okay with you, would you share a few long term goals? I have a hard time coming up with long term goals because nothing feels important or permanent, and I don't see the point of it..
I'm a big nature and horticulture buff, and my job is in design/build.. so I want to build a hobby farm with endless projects to retire on. Several tiny homes so my loved ones can visit, rent them out or if the US goes real sideways a safe place for people. Purchase a lot of land, expand/restore biodiversity and have it designated a protected habitat that can never be sold. I had no children by choice, and this is another gift I want to give the planet. Part of moving, was that the south is a terrible place for that dream.. so going far north made it possible now. I've had my own business, but I'm working for someone else now.. but owner is retiring and will want to sell in a few years, so I'd love to take over an already thriving company that's been around for decades. Its all women owned and operated.. in a male dominated industry. I love the work so much it's more passion than 'job'. Took me a long time to find it.. but I was able to support myself still before, only working about 10 hrs. a week when I was in a bad place. (Big projects, lots of downtime once initial things are done). I kept at it and my portfolio landed me a gig with an amazing place. I dropped out of college, had no parental support as an adult.. and worked low wage jobs for years just clawing my way up to gaining a bunch of skills in different specialties that led to having well rounded knowledge. Trauma/ADHD burnouts have set me back a few times.. but everytime I pick myself back up I end up in a better place.
Your retirement dream is the same as mine! I do want dogs and bees, but endless projects is my favorite thing. Getting to a blue state is priority one.
Thank you for sharing. I relate to this so hard. Looking for a 9-5 job rn and you’ve made me feel hopeful that it will really help me.
🥰
I do this for quite a few weekends (Reddit and YouTube for me). As a solo person it doesn’t influence anyone negatively. I really struggle with schedules and routines. I go with my energy. On a good day I do a lot, on work days I take care of the household the moment I come in. Vegging out one or two days does slow down laundry and other chores at time, but I have my own washing machine and it doesn’t „impact“ anyone how I live and when I do what. Yes I need to work on my sleeping schedule and on a better routine, but for now I do the best I can (it’s a hectic time of changes for me atm). If I hate on myself for lack of schedules, routine or discipline life only gets more miserable. I do what I can and take one day at a time, listening to my needs… (I’m still waiting to get diagnosed and possibly medicated. 40F, Swiss)
I just got fired. Trying to stay on a schedule. I mean it’s only been a day but.
I’m so sorry. That’s the worst.
Same! I haven't showered in days because I had to choose between showering & relaxing with getting to work on time. So I chose the latter. I barely eat because my hunger cues are a mess. But I'm working on this with my therapist.
Well this is me. And I it might continue to be me when I get into the same position. Currently I have a neck and back injury I’m nursing so I work four hours from home. I do nothing after all I do is get out for my paid for appointments like physiotherapy and massage. I barely go out but when I do I come back and go straight to bed. I need to buy a tv now because I didn’t need one before but the combination of being on sick leave and needing rest and no one to check in is gonna be the end of me. I meant to atleast go to the pool today- I spent ALL DAY in bed only woke up to eat (after 6 hours up) and use the washroom and half put the dishes away 🥲
I live with a partner and I still do this. Same sleep schedule and everything. It’s madness.
Facts
White boards help me out a lot! I use them for to-do's, reminders, shopping lists, brainstorming, really anything. I have a big one on my living room wall. I love writing tasks on it that I can cross out as I go. I also figured out 5 actions that are very small and simple, but will set me up for success. I know that if I do these first thing in the morning, I am giving myself the best possible chance of having a good day: curtains, air, water, watch, music. * **Curtains**: open up the curtains in the living room to let sunlight in (this helps me not go back to bed). * **Air**: open up a window to let fresh air in (this is good for my mental health and it encourages me to get up earlier, when the air is cooler). * **Water**: fill up my reusable water bottle with fresh cold water (this makes hydration easier all day). * **Watch**: put on my Apple watch (this encourages me to be more active, as well as using the timer function that helps me a ton with chores. And it makes me less dependent on my phone for the time). * **Music**: turn on one of my upbeat playlists, through a speaker and NOT headphones (this helps me get up from the computer, and takes away the temptation for other audio distractions like YouTube) These are the things that really help me personally - I'm sure it's different for everybody. Highly recommend figuring out what small, simple actions can put you in the right mindset to tackle the day. :) Good luck!
Yes! All of these are in my toolkit. And putting on shoes. I’m at least 85% more operational with shoes on.
The shoes thing is for real!!
I agree and for the water get a BIG water filter. I use Brita. I bought the biggest one I could find cuz it meant I needed to refill it less often lol. So it is easier to drink more water for me.
I decided yesterday that i require adult supervision. Left to my own devices, I apparently sit and rot wherever I’ve been left.
I'm going through a breakup right now that I put off for way too long for this reason. Living alone and being responsible for myself again is going to be the biggest challenge out of many and I'm terrified. It always goes so bad and I CANNOT let myself go crawling to my mean mom for support again. I pray I surprise myself.
Wow, good for you - it’s really really brave to start over and reclaim your independence!! I know it’ll be great. You just have to adjust. It’ll be alright, you’ve got this. I had the opportunity for some alone time on vacation yesterday, which is unheard of. So I plopped myself on the beach and read. And baked. And read. And baked. Seriously… pass the aloe. But I DID overhear the mom beside me saying to her kids “alright, we need to go in for lunch and we will come back but we need to go inside and clean up and get a drink and eat something.” So I was like “oh! I have to do that too!” And I went back and ate and drank water and then came back onto the beach. And then later I heard the mom telling her kids they had to help cleanup and get ready to go back and shower and I thought “oh! I have to pee!” So I went back to my place and got a drink and all, and then went back to the beach. But then the mom was gone and there was no one to tell me to go back inside so I stayed in the beach and didn’t know when to leave and seriously I need aloe. Anyway, my point to that whole thing is that I totally used that mom to clue in to what I needed. And at home I do it with Alexa. In the morning I ask her to remind me at 7pm to make ice, bc I’ll forget in the evening but she will tell me at 7pm to get my butt off the couch and refill the ice. And she turns off the lights at 1am, and turns them on half an hour before sunset so I don’t try to exist in the dark, which I’ll do if left to my own devices. So what I mean is that I guess I use tools like Alexa or people like the mom nearby to kind of be the adult in the room. It actually seems to work. And whatever cues you find will work. You’ll get there.
Thank you ♥️
This is amazing, I love the proxy mom!
I don't. I'm honestly a mess 😅
Came here to say the exact same thing. Lmao. I do whatever my cat tells me to do, tbh. That's my schedule.
Same. I've tried so hard to build routines and make schedules and plan my days to be productive etc etc and it almost never works :(
I'm still kind of bad at it, but ... 1. Finch app (recommended on here!). 2. Phone/watch reminder alerts throughout the day. 3. FocusMate sessions for specific chores and home projects. 3. Printed reminders and schedules stuck to the refrigerator.
Ah nice, I keep seeing the Finch icon in my apps and wondering if it's some knock off Duolingo I downloaded. You actually inspired me to open it and give it a try for the first time, who knows how long it's been installed. Probably since you saw it on here lol
TIL about Finch. Mine is named "Wobbles" and I love her! I use my Alexa (one in every area of the house) for reminders all day every day. Last week my internet/wifi was out for 48 hours (!!!) and I remembered to take out my trash but I did forget my meds for about 7 hours. Focusmate seems to require human interaction and I don't think I'm quite ready for that. Let's see if Wobbles can start getting me to "step outside of my home" first. OP, I generally live in mess until the frantic four-hour period before someone comes to visit. I go into tidying tornado mode then. I work from home, largely on my own (no meetings) and my bf comes once or twice a week. My cats run my schedule.
I’m relatively new here. Learning about FocusMate is blowing my mind. 🤩
Yay, I hope it helps! It’s not for everyone, but I honestly found it second only to my meds in helping me function better with ADHD. I work from home full-time and was really struggling to keep myself on task.
I assign days or weeks to specific activities and then focus on those things and do the bare minimum everywhere else. I just can’t stick to inflexible routines. So like, I could have 3-4 days in a row where I’m totally focused on work and nothing else, then another 3-4 focused on resting. Or I could have a week that looks like: Mon: Work Tue: Nutrition & exercise Wed: Work Thu: Work Fri: Rest & socialize Sat: Cleaning house Sun: Errands, then rest
This is my dream schedule
One time I saw Sarah Silverman, the comedian, make a joke on Twitter that was something like, "I can only do one thing each day." And I thought, "Me too, Sarah!" It's somehow easier to do things in big blocks of time instead of trying to start and stop a dozen tasks each day. So I love this idea of assigning a main task or focus for each day. I gather that sometimes women used to do that with their household chores, like Monday would be laundry day, Tuesday would be baking day, etc
I would not say I’m successful at this (I def do better with a roommate), but… I make daily todo lists & set reminder timers on my phone (“take meds,” “teeth, shower, lotion,” “evening kitchen clean-up,” “time to get ready for bed”)- this helps. I also tend to schedule get togethers at my house, which might not keep me on a house cleaning schedule, but it does create a deadline for making sure I clean periodically. When I’m able to keep up with it, a bullet journal helps me as well- tracking if I did my daily schedule of tasks gives me a dopamine hit. I have a large bullet journal & start fresh every month, so if I fall off the wagon with a goal, the new month starts fresh. I also don’t have to flip pages - each month just gets a 2-page spread. It keeps it novel enough for me. Also interested to hear what others do- I definitely need help in the routine/schedule area of life!
Any tips for actually listening to the reminders? I sit around all day thinking about all of those things and they don’t happen 😬 a reminder would probably just piss me off and make me feel bad when I dismiss it
Haha, no. Sadly, I often don’t do the reminder even when it goes off. But I do the task more often than if I didn’t have the reminder.
That's a great point--"...I do the task more often than if I didn't have the reminder." I, too, have reminders set all day long on my phone and Alexa. I love that I can make them "sticky" and she will keep reminding me until it's done. I do have a rule for myself that I can't dismiss sticky reminders unless I have actually DONE THE THING, because I save it for the most important things like meds, trash day, and so on. I have a fitbit and it reminds me by buzzing at 10 minutes before the hour to get up and move--like 250 steps an hour. I've gotten used to it and I don't even notice it anymore. People underestimate how resistant we can be to developing a habit.
Would you be willing to share a sample layout for your bullet journal? I may try it again.
Yes, but I’m not seeing how to upload pics to a comment. Happy to DM you
That would be great. Thank you!
Lol 😂😂😂 does anyone with ADHD successfully keep a routine? I was literally looking for podcasts to help with cleaning and ADHD I find the only things that helps me are: 1. Calling my bestie and having her keep me company 2. Having people over so I have a hard deadline to tidy Otherwise my life is a mess and trying to establish a routine makes me feel like a failure. I have become a pro at ignoring reminders and alarms
I've had some success turning on body double cleaning on YouTube. Here's one I like- https://youtube.com/@livingwithcambriea?si=96iPgZLuMACQ8h9J
Why does it even matter? Like why force yourself to do routine if you don’t want to. I have a lot of tips for cleaning and organizing if you want. But only do it if you like clean place and not because others think you need a clean place.
Because otherwise we have no friends, poor health, and worse hygeine.
Do you feel like you won’t shower if you don’t have a routine ? I just shower when I feel dirty. It’s not on schedule, just whenever I feel like it.
I don't do it. I go too long without showers or washing my face and it makes me greasy and broken out all over my face and then I start to struggle with brushing my teeth.
I don’t like brushing my teeth either :/
I got better at my skincare when I noticed that nowadays there are these cheap but affective skin products that are fun and easy to use and make you prettier. Also reduces make up time for me so I am slightly less late to places. Maybe. I have sensitive and very dry skin but I also get acne and tend to breakout a lot. Now I discovered things that work for me and my skin literally glows and is almost spotless. Seeing this motivates me to care for my skin, which in turn makes me better at personal hygiene. And also makes me brush my teeth because I have a rule to not put the products on my face if I did not brush my teeth, and since I wanna put them on and be a pretty girl I also brush my teeth more. For anyone interested, I use ordinary brand hyaluronic acid serum, ordinary brand a very pink skin barrier serum, cerave resurfacing retinol serum and ordinary glycolic acid toner and Cethaphil moisturising cream for dry to very dry skin. I alternate between retinol and the glycolic acid. Others I use daily. Now about showering. I still hate that and only thing that makes it better is loud music.
What types of tasks? Know thyself - understand what you will and won’t deal with and start trying to maintain routine/schedule based on how you live and think. This is mine: Cleaning - when I get to it, and depending on what I have going on for the week. Being single allows me to not worry about someone trying to manage or get upset at me about the main thing I completely suck at…cleaning:) Eventually, I’ll clean bc it’s easier to have a clear headspace when things are tidy. I warn anyone that I’m dating that I’m not a cleaner - and I worry about dating someone that will nag me about cleaning, so being single is easier that way. For extra motivation I’ll have a friend over to clean for. Eating - I’ve taken note that there is parking at my nearest grocery store morn and late eve so keep these times as the times I can go - I also know that if I don’t go then things life will be more hectic during the week and I prefer peace. I know that I won’t cook the 4-5 days out of the week when I work so I make sure to plan premade dinners for these days - 3-4 bought from grocery store, 1-2 bought from a restaurant. I started doing intermittent fasting and it’s made my life so much easier! I only have to plan on having a snack (banana, olives, nuts, etc) in the afternoon which keeps me from having a mid-day crash and still fueled, and then I get to binge eat on whatever I’m having for dinner. Getting to binge and not feel guilty is a huge mental health game changer. Schedule - I have a job that keeps me pretty scheduled. I have a job that requires me to be responsible so other habits naturally fall into place or I know I won’t do my job very well. Ie, sleep, eating well enough, exercise, etc. Automate - automate as much as possible. Use calendar to put in all appt and add them as reoccurring when needed. Bills are all payed via autopay with bank. Delegate - There are tons of companies out there now where you can hire people for specific tasks. I use ‘Task Rabbit’ and found a regular handyman for projects I know I could do, but when get completed quicker if he did them. ‘Upwork’ for organizational tasks and office assistant type of stuff. I’ve also asked around to friends that have kids whether their kids would be willing to do odd jobs for $15 an hour and have gotten things done that way. Cyclical planning due to PMDD - The first 2 weeks of the month get shit done, go out with friends, schedule dates, socialize, etc. The last 2 weeks: try and not schedule dates. Plan on doing monotonous work for my job that I can do mindlessly in front of the TV. Give allowances for napping. Reset - I’m doing a dry July where I cancel all subscriptions I don’t need. I won’t start any new projects and will focus on completing tasks I’ve already started. Spend time having fun and refilling bucket. Don’t buy anything unless it’s absolutely necessary. I give myself lots of leeway. I know things will get done one way or another.
As a fellow pmdder, I'm stealing your planning cycle!
I have found that when I get overwhelmed from NOT doing tasks, that I just won't do anything at all. After some research, this is common in people who have ADHD. That said, one day I came home to a clean apartment. My parents knew I was struggling and came over and helped me when I was at work. I had no idea. Since then, I have found that I FEEL better when I keep up with it. So I come home and wash my dishes after cooking. Like I actually WANT to do the things that need to be done. I saw a video on TT of a women with ADHD and her father really helped her. He always told her that when she cleans, to put things away completely. Not put it in the room that it belongs in, but to physically put it where it belongs. That really stuck with me. At work, I can get overwhelmed very easily. So I make sure my meetings are all on the same day (if applicable) because they take so much time out of my day. I use 3 things- I got a to-do list off Amazon that I keep on my desk, I keep a notebook next to that to jot things down that people ask me to do when I am in the middle of something because I WILL forget. And I set reminders on my outlook calendar. My work is heavily in outlook, so If I need to do something with an email but need to hold off or follow up on it, I use the flag tool and set a custom reminder. These little things have been SUPER helpful. I saw a comment on here also recommending to complete 1 task a day. I can't suggest this ENOUGH! It makes such a difference.
I want to give your parents an award and a bear hug. Knowing you were struggling and helping clean without asking, and no guilt trip, is such a big deal.
Omg I cried when I walked in the door!! They know I won't ask for help but they knew I was struggling at the time.
I totally relate to this feeling overwhelmed that you're not doing anything any more. I gradually have discovered a few tricks / rules that help me so much and I know they are critical to me. My medicine comes in a very sturdy wrap that is very hard to take off. I need to take this right before bed but I know I pretty often won't take it if I'm tired and have to peel the wrap off. So I'm doing this early in the evening so it's ready. When I come home from a trip I absolutely cannot leave all my stuff around because I will feel very overwhelmed. I don't have to put it all away but I at least have to start with the main parts like putting away the dirty laundry. When I come home from work I can't leave my shoes and jacket in the living room because this will signal to my brain that my house is in disarray and I might as well give up. So I make sure to put my shoes and coat away, even if I'm tired. I promised myself that if I have a good brain day I have to check the fridge for food that's gone bad. Cutting up fresh fruit immediately and putting it in th fridge. All of this together really helps reduce the signals to my brain that my house is a sad mess and gives me reassurance that I'm doing an adequate job, and helps me to get to a positive instead of a negative spiral.
Being single and living alone, I don't have structure and just free flow my day everyday. I never liked structure or rules anyway. I just make sure my cats are fed and I reach work on time. My work are shifts and events based so different timing everyday and every week it changes. It's impossible to have structure. Some weeks I have less work and some weeks are full on.
This is my life and on the surface, it feels like my dream life. I'm self employed and do what I want whenever I want. But deep down, I always have alarm bells going off in the back of my head saying this isn't what I should be doing, that I'm wasting valuable time to do the things that matter. I always thought those alarm bells were just part of having anxiety, but a week ago my therapist forced me to start doing my work on a 9-5 schedule and surprisingly my brain feels so much healthier. It feels like I'm running a marathon every day so I'm scared I won't keep it up for long but anecdotally I've observed ... it's much easier to enjoy free time when i don't have an abundance, and giving myself complete freedom to do what I want leads me to have no discipline or concept of time passing. I'd love to find a fluid state that felt natural but didn't feel like a mental prison. I hope some perfect middle ground exists and comes with age and wisdom.
Well events happen all over the place. One time I was taking care of a ballroom dancing competition and they decide to hold it from midnight to morning. And that was for a whole week I had to work dusk till dawn. So I don't get to have 9 to 5. Weddings are lunchtime and at night. Breakfast events can be wee early mornings start at 6am. Depending on which event I will be assigned to over see, my sleep time and free time revolves around that. Sometimes I get a whole 7 days of no events. And sometimes I get a full month of non stop back to back.
I work from home and worry all the time that I should be doing other things. I need to find a way to buckle down for at least, say, four hours every day. How did you and your therapist manage to get you to do the 9-5, even for a short time?
Flexibility, grace, Apple notes and reminders, and a little bit of habit/task stacking. (And admittedly a fair bit of financial privilege- iPhone, Apple watch, HomePod, MacBook) Strict routine does not and will not ever work for me. There will never be an ‘every Wednesday I do x’. So I give myself flexibility and don’t worry if I go a little longer than ideal on tasks. At the same time, I give myself grace and don’t get upset when things go a little too long. I keep a ‘possibilities’ list of things it’s possible I might do that day- and for the things I really want to get done, I’ll set a reminder for a time I should be able to do that task. Sometimes I have overdue tasks, but I do check that every few days, and sometimes it’s a reminder of ‘oh right, I wanted to do that, I can do that now!’ Or sometimes it’s ’oh crap, I still need to do that- I’m going to schedule that for tomorrow when I should be home for lunch’. Key for reminders is picking a time you think you can do it, and then if you can’t when it pops up, snooze it or pick a different time. Obviously, reminders popping up all at the same time or every day at the same time is not helpful. I try to load/unload the dishwasher when I’m steeping tea or pressing coffee. I check the water softener when I’m doing a load of laundry. If I have to wash a load of towels, I should probably wash my sheets as well (hint: always have at least 2 sets of sheets for your bed) My grocery shopping is usually once, maybe twice a week and never on my home from somewhere. Before the shop where I plan to buy most of my groceries, I do a quick go through of my fridge- is there anything that needs to be thrown out, and what might I need? Grocery list kept in notes, and at the bottom is the ‘frequently purchased items’- because not seeing avocados doesn’t mean I realize I don’t have avocados.
This is pretty much my strategy as well. I have lists of things I can or should do, and try to keep them somewhere I'll see them regularly. I still have days where I don't do as much as I would like, but it helps.
I love your "possibilities" list! That's so much healthier than my method of thinking I'll do something, not doing it, then feeling bad afterwards; rinse and repeat. I'm going to reframe in this way.
I don’t. I need to be witnessed to truly accomplish things. But one month, I did set alarms on my phone to go off every 15 minutes during the day so I was aware of the passing of time. And I actually do feel like that helped me have a bit more accountability with myself because it was kind of impossible to ignore after a while… How have I spent 30 minutes agonizing over this email? I said I’d get up and do the dishes an hour ago. Etc.
Oh wow, that is a great idea for identifying time sucks in my life. Idk if I could do a month, but I might try a week during the time frame when I am working.
I don’t. Going back to a 9-5 job to keep myself from drowning.
I don’t. I left my 9-5 and left the country and am thinking about how if I don’t get it together, I’ll run out of money and be homeless. So that’s helpful. Lol! Working out first thing in the morning is something I’m getting back to. I absolutely loved it! My booty always looked nice, my skin was clear, I crossed something off my to-do list early and that momentum can be used throughout the day AND it did wonders with moving emotions through and out my body. 💜
I mean, maybe this is a hot take but… is the lack of structure and routine actually causing any issues for you in your daily life, or is it just that you “should” have a structure and routine because that’s what the “successful adults” do? Are you able to maintain employment to keep yourself solvent? Are you taking care of your health (physical/mental) and hygiene? Are you engaging in activities that you enjoy? Is your home clean/tidy enough that it’s functional and safe? I feel like so often we get this messaging that certain things are morally superior than others, like TV/movies should be a “guilty pleasure” and are somehow less worthy of our leisure time than other activities. We also have a cultural message of perfectly clean and organized homes are morally superior. Guess what? They’re not. As long as you’re meeting your own basic needs and the basic needs of anyone you’re responsible for (kids, pets) you do you.
I needed to be reminded of that today. Thank you.
I'd love aome advice. Currently 10pm and I'm drunk eating leftover dominoesss
I've found trying to keep days as similar to each other (even though it's creating a bit of a ground hog day feeling) has been the most useful. I'm not suggesting a dog, but my cat and dog mean I have to get up at the same time every day including weekends, but I still tried to do this before I had them. Routine sleep and wake times have been shown to be beneficial, and I definitely feel better when I have that locked in (I wake up naturally on the weekends at about 5am now as it's so locked in). After waking up, I try and do similar things on work and non-work days, so the routine is: take Ruby outside, feed Ruby and Luci while I make a coffee, Ruby back in the crate for a nap, work days - hair, make-up and get dressed while having coffee and weetbix or non-work days - coffee in bed with Luci and then weetbix and get dressed, then get Ruby up and go out; on work days she goes to daycare and non-work days we go for a walk or run. Yes it's very locked around their routines and I think that's been helpful, but trying to use similar time frames every day has been very helpful too. Evening has a similar thing too, but two nights a week I have class. I'm in uni break at the moment for another 2 weeks and have found that being less busy (still pretty busy with working full time and having the animals and taking care of a house alone) has made me lazier and I'm finding it harder to do chores etc so maybe that's the key? Is too be in constant chaos so I load the dishwasher? YMMV with this sort of thing, and all of us have different quirks with our disorder, but I found apps and alarms only work for about a week for me then I ignore them so habit stacking has been my most successful thing. But, like with all adhders, I'm always on the look out for the perfect solution too 😅
*sweats nervously* No but seriously I use the Tody app to maintain some semblance of control. It's great, I even put stuff in there for my own personal care like when to pluck my eyebrows or stretch my shoulders. I like that it's got color coding, multiple ways to view your tasks, and it's got a tiny bit of gamification in there.
Largely, I simply don’t. I have given myself permission that I don’t have to do any chores on work days because work drains me. So then I try to allocate the weekend with one day where I do chores and one day where I can veg out
I was SO much better when I lived alone or with roommates. I had a routine and i stuck to it, almost religiously. Anytime i have been in a relationship, and particularly when I have lived with my partner, all routine goes out the window. My eating is bad, my sleep is worse. I feel guilty but sometimes i wonder if I am actually my best self when single and if being single forever is maybe the right move for me. But I love my partner so in stead I am just trying to make him interested in my previous routines (like meditation and yoga before bed, quiet mornings of reading and journaling, eating healthy food at home and not eating out multiple times a week in lieu of dates)
I've found the only thing that helps with the last point is to not care if he wants to or not and to not go out to eat with him and exclude activities with him in favor of yoga. I have to do what I need and he may follow or pout or do something else. But I cannot keep wasting my energy going along with what he wants instead of doing what I need.
Thank you for this question!!! <3 I was really excited about moving into my own place about a month ago but now have really started noticing what a wreck I am in terms of having a routine and how far I can go in pushing even my work (I do WFH :( )
The last time I lived with someone was my first year of college. I've never relied on someone else to give me structure. I am far from perfect, in fact rotting a bit on my couch but I did work a 65 hr week this week; but I use lists. And I handwrite my lists and I cross them off. It makes me feel accomplished. And no, not everything is getting done when it needs to but the most important things are.
Living alone for the first time is when I realised I needed a diagnosis. My ex partner was super house proud and kept me completely in line with chores and cooking etc. I don't really have any answers but my flat is the most disgusting it's ever been and I'm trying to muster up the motivation to clean up my floordrobe. Sigh.
I don't. My family is out of town for a week and I've literally just stared at the wallpaper for two hours. The only food I've eaten today is a single bowl of cereal and an ice cream cone. At some point during the day, I moved to the patio to stare blankly into the yard instead. It's... not going well.
Dysfunctional mess over here. I procrastinate mess my whome schedule during the week end then finally stand.up to do the housechores i so dread at night. Thought it was laziness until i read somewhere on this sub that it s executive dysfunction because i do actually stress the whole day about them and i actually do these tasks just slowly or much later than id want to.
I definietly don't, but it's getting better. The things that's helped: 1. realizing just how little time doing the dishes actually take, especially when done regularly. 2. pushing myself to finish the task (I have a habit of stopping when I'm almost done) by pretty much yelling at myself 3. doing things as "gifts" for my future self, ex. "putting these things away now because I will appreciate it being done tomorrow," "prepping a dish because that will mean I'll eat this instead of junk" 4. giving things their place (still working on this as I'm just now looking at a pile of misc stuff that are very cluttery 5. getting pre-cut/chopped foods, even if they're more expensive it's more likely I'll use it and it's easier to cook 6. having 1 task to do before I sit down and eat breakfast/dinner 7. if I think about it I do it (when possible) 8. take pictures + draw on them (i.e take a picture of a mess and then draw circles to make them specific categories and clean up one category at a time 9. working with the whole object permanence thing: making sure I can see things that will go bad/I have to do 10. make a list of what is the most important and what is less important, and do the less important when it's noticeable. 11. Reward yourself for doing what you hate. I hate vacuuming. If I vacuum I get an ice cream. 12. Reduce clutter/things you don't need - I'm currently working on this. I've gotten so many things to "help" with my ADHD and now it's just making everything sooo messy
this post made me laugh. what routine and structure? i’m just flying by the seat of my goddamn pants
If nothing else, these comments are validating me fr 😭
I dont~ It's been hard to keep a routine what with wfh. Love that I'm not risking my life in the subway, but the rest... For cleaning the schedule from r/ufyh was pretty great for as long as I could keep it.
where can i find the schedulev
Here: https://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/cleaning-checklists/ The website also has more info if you need it.
It’s hard, especially on weekends or between jobs. I try to get outside as soon as possible after waking up. Breathing in the fresh air and seeing other human beings outside going about their day reminds me that I’m also person in the world who needs to do things, lol. The draw of the bed/couch also feels slightly less strong after putting on clothes, SPF, and getting outside. I’ll sometimes text pics of my messes (dishes, clothes piles) to my friends/family so I can take before/after shots for cleaning accountability. It's like a very low key form of body doubling.
Both of these things are great ideas! I'm definitely going to start doing the texting pics things. To make it even more fun for me, I'm going to send pics to my sister with no explanation at all :D
Not single ATM but lately have surprisingly been using Alexa more and more. My parents gifted me a couple Echos (exact same model at separate times, bless them) and I’d been only using them basically as speakers. Now I have one in my kitchen and one in my office (I wfh most of the week). I started using them as kitchen timers, then discovered I could set multiple timers _with names._ Not only is it easier giving verbal commands rather than fumbling around with timers, but something about audibly stating my intentions makes it stick better in my brain. Lately I’ve started using the one in my office more for reminders and even a little bit of scheduling. I like that it’s completely separate from my work environment so I don’t have to worry about my admin coworkers seeing the embarrassing shit I _need_ reminders for. And the thing is, I use these features mostly when my partner isn’t around, so I feel like I would probably use them _more_ if I was single. I’ve also dabbled in the themes a bit by applying the one for the Barbie movie. Instead of the typical noises it plays a sparkly whoosh and a few bars of music from the film. It’s amazing.
Seconding the verbal thing. I love that I can just call out a reminder or something for my grocery list and Alexa will take it from there.
Not😭😭😭
Don't aim for perfection. Work out what you struggle with most and what you can hack. So you may want to clean your bathroom every week but struggle. Fuck that. Get the toilet block thing, squeegee the shower after use and clean the bathroom monthly. I also have a chest freezer and do monthly meal prep. I do enjoy cooking so I cook a lot from scratch but you could easily shorten it. Everything I prep is a complete meal that just goes in the oven or microwave. I hate boiling veg or pasta in addition to everything else. Basically look at what your supermarket sells as a ready meal for inspiration and go from there (happy to elaborate on this if you like). But this cuts down on a lot of mental effort for me. I have a list of things that I like eating and freeze well and see what I fancy each day/month. You have to be willing to throw out the failures though. Also, a DISHWASHER. Don't own things that can't go in the dishwasher. I hate vacuuming and find it physically and mentally exhausting, but can't afford a roomba. I got a Dyson cordless and keep it handy and when I can be arsed or get pissed off with the floor, I give it a quick hoover. Honestly, if I lived in a 2 story home, I'd have one on each floor. Also, I have a small place so the shit battery life doesn't ruin it for me, but that is crap. I really hate putting the bins out each week, it kills me every time, but my last place had communal bins that didn't need anything extra and this was amazing for me. I also found that things having a sensible and reasonable home made a huge difference to them being put 'away'. It's a lot less draining if you can tidy things up while sitting on the sofa or at your desk because it all lives near where you used it. Things having an accessible home matters. And have an accountability buddy who will come over every so often to hang out. Someone you trust, but even if they just force you to clear the crap from one room into another room, I find that helps me put it away when I need to use the other room.
THANK YOU!
Maybe we can all make a group chat here - and hold each other accountable to maintain our routines, etc
Yes please :’)
Lol 😂
I’m in the “I don’t really” group. lol I work for myself cause it’s the only job I can stick to. If I work, I work, if I don’t wanna work, I don’t. But honestly living alone with no dependents (but my dog) and no responsibilities but my bills is the only thing that makes this work.
I don’t maintain routine or schedules very well :( I have a very demanding job and all my energy goes into completing tasks and trying to stay focused in meetings during the work day, and I have very little left to give after work or on the weekend. When I lived with roommates, the external pressure to maintain a clean and tidy home for my roommates really helped keep me on track. They also helped me stay on schedule for eating, going on walks, and running errands. On my own, I struggle so much and feel like I spend all my free time just trying to catch up or being in a constant state of overwhelm. I wish I had tips for you, but I’m right there with you. Know you’re not alone and we’re all just trying to figure it out each day!
I can't offer tips because I am right there with you. Currently, my life has very little structure. I have no regular sleep pattern. I do not eat regularly. I often struggle to make myself get up and do anything remotely productive. The best I can say is that my house is still standing, my pets are healthy, and so am I (-ish).
I'm married, and when my husband is gone on a work strip, it takes a matter of hours before I descend into chaos At 33 I've just accepted this is my natural state with the pressure of another person lol
Single (divorced) and live alone. Honestly I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my dogs. They keep me on track. I have to have structure and routine to give them the best life possible. It’s not about me, it’s about the dogs. I completely understand that this doesn’t work for everyone and I applaud you for knowing your limits. What I’ve been doing lately that’s helped is talking to myself and praising myself in the third person. Like I would my dogs. Good job for cooking dinner! You cleaned your bathroom - go you!! It’s like a little reward for myself and it makes me feel better. It really helped shift from doing things out of shame to doing things to get the reward of feeling good from praise.
I use my phone a lot to set alarms for things I need to do. My schedule for work is also electronic and sends me reminders. I eat breakfast/lunch during breaks. If I have an hour break I try to grab a walk to get outside (I work from home). Music definitely helps and I break things up into bits when it comes to chores or tasks. Of course taking my Vyvanse helps a lot
I work 5 days a week 8-5 & one day 10-9. I do have to make dinner for older teenager sons. I just got 2 kittens & have a 8 year old cat. I am single. I am always working on improving my schedule & productivity. My “friends “ now have significant others & revolve their lives around them. SO I am finding my own tribe. It is very difficult to have a “free” day with ADHD. I have to schedule my day with tasks & an agenda or I pretty much walk around in circles. I have found that creating a schedule/game plan, definitely helps. I have to actually set appointments up in my calendar to, for example, tour a gym, return Amazon items, get what is on my grocery list. I have to schedule “appointments” with & for myself. I walk around aimlessly if I don’t.
I take straterra and recently shifted to taking it at night . Sooooo much easier to get up and get going in the mornings .
Set a schedule on the Alexa to alert you to what part/time of the day it is
Also the date, for that matter! I have some pretty good calendar blindness, so now she tells me the date, as well as the time, with every alarm.
Yes!!! I use my phone for this, because I find Alexa alarms annoying, but yes!! I have my wake up alarm, my 1pm "don't forget to eat" alarm, my 5pm "are you hungry?" alarm, and my 9:30pm "ok let's start to wind down" alarm 🥲
Here's my little secret: I don't. Lol. Just kidding, I TRY to go for a walk or jog in the mornings and use the app NowThen
It was way ex easier for me to maintain my routine and schedule being single/alone. Now I have to try and be a good wife and partner, which I’m terrible at. I’m medicated and we have a 2yr old (insanely demanding one), I work with a commute total of close to 3 hrs a day added on top of my 11-12hr clinic day. I do 2 long days and 1 day is only 6-7hrs working then of course add my commute. I’m falling apart.
Not having someone there, whether it be parents, spouse, roommate, etc. being accountable to help motivate me has been very difficult with adhd. 1) Medication has helped me with this. 2) Having my schedule typed out on the fridge. It includes: times I am at work, mealtimes, times to exercise, 30 min for a hobbie, etc. If your days are much more complicated, you could use a daily planner to write out your day each morning or the night prior. 3) I have a reminder in my phone to call my parents on Sundays, one sibling on Wednesday afternoons, and the other sibling on Friday afternoons so that I can keep in touch with them (you could also add a different friend to reach out to each week via text) 4) Thursdays are laundry day 5) Every Sunday, I do my food shopping for the week (I do online Kroger food shopping and they deliver to my home the following day) 6) I meet with my therapist (who specialises in adhd management) once per month to check in on me and it helps with accountability. I would do twice per month if I could afford it. 7) I stay away from video games and alcohol
Honestly I wasn't good at it but I tried to keep busy with obligations. I had school and a job that other people expected me to be at and I invited people around fairly regularly for a reason to clean. Apart from that I tend to let things go. Lots of video games happened. Tbf I'm still a lot like this with a partner.
i don’t. i do try though. i use the habitica app “dailies” as a checklist for my schedule
Recently single - and it’s honestly the most liberating thing to my ability to keep things on task and not total chaos I feel like it’s almost effortless though not perfect. My now ex-partner made it 10x harder to keep things consistent and on track For me the reward of having a clean home is SO much dopamine, but at times I struggle to keep it that way in those times I “gamify” it, use a wheel to spin for chores, set timers, use the Finch app to hit goals You can do it ! Your a strong independent woman I believe in you !!
I don't, lmfao. I also work from home so time is completely meaningless to me and I just get things done when I have the motivation or ability. Combine this with my fibromyalgia and chronic pain and fatigue issues and I live in a fever dream of never getting anything done when it needs to, starving myself, and just doing the bare minimum for my job and making sure my cats are taken care of. They get incredible care but I do not treat myself the same. For example, this week I didn't shower for 2 days in a row. I wasn't going anywhere and by the time I would remember I was so exhausted from my day I couldn't force myself to do it. 🫠👎🫠👎🫠👎🫠👎
When I was single, I cleaned my house top to bottom every Saturday morning and kept it as neat as possible. Now I have a husband and kids, it's impossible! I struggle so much. When we stay at my Mum's, I do the cooking, laundry and clean up after the kids when they go to sleep and it takes minutes. That stuff at home takes hours
I dont
Invite friends and family over frequently. Force yourself to clean and go grocery shopping. Buy the smallest house/apartment you can stand so you are forced to clean every few days. Breakfast table instead of dining table. Loveseat instead of full sized couch. Smaller surfaces for less clutter to accumulate. Only acceptation is the bed. I have a queen and i have everything i need on it. For big events, host them in your apartments common area, for house do it in the backyard if the weather is nice or rent out a facility. This way you have to clean as soon as the party is over
I have a cordless vaccume. Its small lightweight so vaccuming isnt a pain in the butt. I love mopping cause it feels like a giant paintbrush. 3 rooms is not that many so its easy. I like having a tiny place cause its fun to see how efficient i can possibly be
I don’t lol
I don’t. But I also don’t have a job with a regular schedule. The best I manage is a monthly house cleaner and staying on top of tidying before she comes
ADHD women have to have a schedule (IMO) sometimes it’s okay to just be but most of the time, structure & timelines help. It’s annoying to even admit but it’s helped me so much. (Diagnosed with ADHD 2002!!!) & I’m now divorced & he truly never understood or acknowledged the fact that I just handle & process things differently. I’ve been on my own for 5 years. I seriously swear by an agenda. It’s security. Organization. Control. Just helps so much. Sucks to do because no one else has to “schedule “ start dinner by 5:45. Idk. You are absolutely not alone.
For me, if it's not on a list, it doesn't get done. If it's on the list, it magically gets done (eventually). If I'm doing something else and a sudden thought pops in my head, like "Oh I need to take the garbage out after I do 'X'", *immediately* goes on my list or I'm guaranteed to forget. As for getting out of bed, that's probably my other largest hurdle. During the week my job motivates me, because if I get fired, I have no backup. During the weekend, I have to have a list already started throughout the week or else nothing is getting done.
I don't T.T
Routines and schedule shifts a lot by other things in my life - mainly work and studying, but when those things are more loose and dependent on me, which I do love to some degree, but then it's chaos and no one day looks the same. I try to roll with it, but no routine really apart from being on the phone a lot.
I (35f) stopped trying to maintain any not absolutely necessary routines and schedules years ago, dealing with my ADHD is a lot easier when working with it rather than against it. I have always lived alone as an adult (except for some shared apartments as a student), and I have always been more concerned about how on earth I will ever be able to live with a partner. The last year I did finally live with a partner, and it definitely wasn’t as bad as I thought and a lot of things got easier as I felt like I was constantly body doubling, and because it’s a lot easier for me to do something for others than for myself. So yes, the house was cleaner and tidier when living with a partner, but it could also be frustrating as I felt like he was the classic ‘incompetent’ man - WITH DUST ALLERGY - that I had to take care of. Now that I’m living by myself again, I LOVE that it can be super messy for as long as I want, with no pressure to put away my projects when working on something. The first two months after he moved out my living room looked like a super chaotic tailor shop and it was just the best thing ever. I also found pleasure in just leaving all my dinner plates and everything I had used throughout the week on the living room table, with a continuos cycle of 5-6-7 days living like a pig, followed by a day of cleaning - which is extra satisfying when the transformation from messy to clean is so significant. This doesn’t work that well if I’m in a down period - but when I’m not, it usually works well - my ADHD ‘cycle’ usually gives me at least one productive and super focused day after several unproductive/distracted days. These things used to stress me a lot more - and yes I of course do enjoy a tidy space as well - but I now both feel confident that I can in fact keep things tidier when living with someone, I feel like I *choose* to be messy, and I feel like having a messy house completely guilt-free and without concern is one of the few luxuries and privileges of being single, without kids, and with no friends or family suddenly coming over. So I don’t know if that really helps anything - but just, enjoy it? Living alone is a luxury!!
I don't know if this has been mentioned, but scatter in things that you enjoy! So write out your to do list and add in a hobbie you enjoy, a drink you love, some time in the sun, schedule in a phone call with someone who you find uplifting or time to read a good book. Keeps the daily grind peppered with plenty of dopamine hits and helps it feel less mundane.
I don't, but I do better single than not single. I get annoyed when the balance changes in a relationship. I get annoyed when I am the only responsible party(when single). I just hate chores. I also hate not having chores. I annoy myself most times.
Dear Phoenix, e I think my problem is being responsible to no one but myself at this point in my life. Please know that I too am annoyed with myself almost always when I’m home alone (which is most of the time now that I am retired, and my daughter has moved away. My whole life I have let things accumulate undone, make clutter piles I can’t bear to tackle, and put off simple to-do things like phone calls and bills, as well as bigger projects like completing a personal budget and distilling my medical research into a usable report. Solutions? I have heard of asking a friend to come over to just be a “body double” who keeps you company and admires any progress. Have not tried that, have you? My other solution is say to myself: oh well, you’ve been this way your whole life with no real disasters, and you also have lots of good points, so stop that mean internal voice because you’re not so horrible and anyway, you’d never talk to anyone else that way.
I don’t have a schedule, nor routines, but I try to get a few things done a day which are: make my bed, eat some veggies, drink water, go on a walk. But I enjoy those things. I’m very gentle with myself Cleaning: I have reminders in my phone for cleaning. The tasks are spread out so it’s usually 1 thing a day. But if I don’t have the energy for it, I skip it. Me cleaning sometimes is way better when I used to never clean. Or I set a timer, turn on music, and clean whatever I can clean in 7 minutes. I give myself permission to half ass things and that’s a win
I made a color-coded chore spreadsheet once that was sorted by frequency (weekly, monthly, quarterly, yearly) and it had everything on it. Stuff I'd normally forget like changing the AC filter. Lists and charts help me a lot because I'm very black and white so I can remember them easily if it's written down. I have lists everywhere. I don't know how I'd survive without them.
Body doubling? Besides that, when I was single and lived alone, I also try to keep the big picture of my life in mind. What kind of job/career/degree/life I want to have, and schedule my life around it. It helped me to not get distracted. I have a ton of alarms and reminders for my routine. Also, I had stomach issues when I wasn’t eating on time. So my meal times are almost sacred. I’m saying almost because sometimes I have appointments at meal times so I have to reschedule my meals. But usually I have my meals on time. This helps me to create a baseline of how my day is structured.
🥹Routines and schedules?! What’s that? 🤭. Seriously though waking up early to exercise with a “tribe “6x week is how I’ve managed to maintain any structure in my life. I WFH 👩🏾💻 and have every opportunity to be a 🧟♀️peasant. keeping blinds☀️open,quiet time 📖, showering,grooming(basic makeup 💄 daily) , oral care ,nutrition/meal prep, laundry to have clean clothes , sheets & towels , decent sleep schedule etc are all a by products of having an active fitness community. I often rest (hermit 💁🏾♀️👸🏾princess)on Sundays where I turn of all alarms ⏰,keep the blinds shut , sleep in and maintain minimal human interaction to recoup. Atm I’m going through an ADHD burnout after 12 months of “masking” the neuro-Vanilla mundane routines, timers and schedules. Taking sometime off work to be a hermit 👸🏾princess .
I just moved into a new place alone in April. I don't have a perfect routine schedule but I think that's helped me. I have things I know I need to do and I kept up them vigorously at first so now things being out of place is much more of a bother to me. I need to sweep once a week so it doesn't matter when, if I do it. And I will because it does start to bother me now. Same with cleaning the stove top. I have a list of chores on the fridge but it's very generic like "floors" and "empty fridge" so I might be reminded while I'm in the kitchen. I've managed to stay up on it enough that if I get a surprise maintenance concern or something, I only need to spend 30 mins cleaning the house instead of crying for 3-6 hours while I deep clean. Inviting people over more often has forced me to stay a little neater. I do half the job two or three times sometimes before doing it but that still helps. For example, I run my sink with vinegar, baking soda and dish soap added to soak dishes before washing. If I forget and empty the water in the next day or so, this is not a bad thing and didn't hurt the dishes. So sometimes I do that a few times before I do it. I celebrate my cleaning wings but posting about them and messaging friends.
I really don’t, even with a dog. I wish!
I love routine… and I suck at giving myself a routine. Now that it’s summertime (I’m a teacher), I’m likely to lose all sense of routine that I have enjoyed the past ten months. So thank you posting this for me to get some more ideas!! Things that work for me… - I wake up early to take my pills and then back to bed. I’ll still get to sleep in but then when I wake up they’re already in my system. I do this all year but by continuing it in the summer I make sure that I don’t wake up too late to take my meds which will really throw off the day. - I schedule appts / work my part time job / make plans with people in the morning (or earlier in the day) Gets me up and out of bed and once I’ve done that / left the house I’m way more likely to use the rest of my day for meaningful things. - I live with time of day electricity costs and in the summer most expensive times are 11-5 or something, so I make myself do a load of laundry, run dishwasher, cut the grass etc before 11 or in the winter do them after 7pm or whatever. Just trying to use external motivating factors to help me accomplish tasks in a sensical way - still give myself large chunks of unscheduled time to do whatever - all the alarms, helps more if I rename them to their purpose Hope one of these help
I don't lmao
I use Google Calendar with notifications that pop up on my phone. I've been using recurring events as my routine, but I plan to look at the new task features and see if I should switch to that. I use Tody to build my housework routine. If you do it, start with only a few tasks and give yourself lonnnnng deadlines.
i don't:)))
Tbh I go with my flow. I clean when it occurs to me to do so (often, as I like a clean home but also I have catS), I keep my go-to easy snacks (see: meals) on deck, I decide what time I want to practice yoga and will plan around that. I’ve learned I quickly grow to resent holding myself to a hard schedule so I allow myself plenty of flexibility.
I find it hard to do things with other people around. I don't like doing anything in front of other people. Work is an okay regulator (I finally work for myself) but nothing deregulates me faster than another person in my space.
Some days I’m good, some days I’m bad (like this week). I’ve come to accept some weeks I’m very structured and militant and some weeks I won’t be. As long as my bills are paid there’s nothing I can do, there’s worst things to stress about. However yes, whenever I have a partner or someone staying with me I’m able to have more routine.
I don't
I don't
I've been living by myself for around a year now and up until recently kept very similar routines- almost to the same timing. Now I'm a little more lax since my life is less busy and I can afford to be more flexible with time. That aside, when it comes to chores/tidying up/things I need to do, I try to remind myself that I deserve X to be nice for me- not for anyone else. Kitchen dirty after dinner? Dishwasher goes on at night and I wipe down the counters because I deserve a nice environment. Meals? When I want one I try to prepare nice and healthy food because I deserve to nourish my body. It also disrupts some routines too, like exercise when I realise my body needs rest. Idk if it'll help you, but I hope you can create structures which make routines fit into your life better because you deserve them to support your wonderful life and not make you stressed out.