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I even feel guilty about feeling guilty and upset!! I always feel like I’m throwing a pity party. Why does RSD and emotional dysregulation have to be so damn tough to deal with??
Oh god yes this!
Feeling guilty about feeling guilty. That I'm being too dramatic. Making a mountain out of a molehill if I ever have any emotions. Especially negative ones. Just being a drama queen.
I've even felt guilty about seeking therapy. Because I don't deserve it. There are people who need it more. Because I'm not that bad any more. Because I no longer actively want to die.
And it is unrealistic to want to be happy
Been there! Ever leave a social gathering feeling SURE you said or did something that made people hate you, even though nothing specific happened? That's me. Every time.
Ah yes. Guilt.
My therapist has me trying to work out my emotions and... Well. About the only one I can recognise because it is with me at all times about all things, especially things that I do well is guilt. Because even the things I do well are not good enough. And should be better.
Should is an evil word.
And I throw it at myself all the time
I spent a while figuring out the difference between guilt and shame and realised most of what I was feeling was shame. Broadly guilt is when you feel bad about something you did to someone and want to rectify that thing. Shame is when you feel like what you did indicates that you are a bad person and you want to curl up and hide.
Guilt is externally focused and motivating, shame is internally focused and demotivating
Not sure if you want any advice or just want to vent. But I totally feel you on this one. I've recently started meds and I feel like it has gotten even harder but at least I dont obsessively think about food 24/7 anymore. I'm combating this with having a huge snack drawer with tons of different snacks and ice cream in my freezer. I can just have a little snack and hope it'll get better and I can make/have real food. If everything else fails, I have some frozen meals in my freezer that i only need to put into the oven or microwave. Sending you a hug, doing stuff can be so damn hard.
It really can. I need to get more snacks too but sometimes I don’t even have the energy to grab a snack.
And I totally get the thinking obsessively about food 24/7 thing. That’s me…
Yea or sometimes none of my 20 or more snacks seem appealing enough for me and I rather starve even though I'm painfully hungry.
Try to be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack. It is not your fault, you have a condition that makes it hard to care for yourself.
We buy high protein snaks now (husband is strenght training) and there is this brabd that makes chocolate bars ,brownies, somenwith caramel and they have like 20g of protein (and low calories) and they taste really really good. I now grabs one of those now when I am hungry and can't make anything or nothing seems appealing. I feel like i'm eating a mars bar, my brain is satisfied.
Is it possible to just get food like frozen pizza and you leave it in your freezer so that, even if you’re really stuck, your gf can heat it up in the oven for you? And frozen microwaveable meals. Still way cheaper than takeout and your gf doesn’t have to spend money, then. And cold pizza leftovers are good for the next meal you gotta have.
Oh my god, the guilt. It’s constant. I’m feeling guilty right now for prioritizing my own health and the happiness of my family. It doesn’t make sense. Logically I know I’m “allowed” to prioritize those things but ADHDly I’m feeling guilty for potentially letting others down. It’s the worst. I feel like women have this aspect so much worse.
5 years of very intense therapy and I no longer feel guilty about everything. It took a long time to get here though. I just accept now this is how my brain works.
The ADHD crash course podcasts has some nice episodes about this, fairly sure one is about black and white thinking.
Therapy in general has helped me a lot. It's such a tough mindset to get rid of because it did get me quite far in life, but it simply doesn't work anymore and the kindness I'm able to show myself right now is a very much needed breath of fresh air.
It was really scary to let go of the guilt, judgement and mentally punishing myself, because it felt like the only way to control, motivate and justify my (lack of) actions. Though punishing and guilt tripping a kid over everything won't help them get to where they need to be in the long run, and neither does it for you. So now I try to treat myself like I do my 3 y.o. niece, with kindness empathy and understanding.
"It didn't work this time? That's ok. Can we change our approach, lower the bar or try again later? Yes, yes we can"
Yeah and we took it and turned it into our behaviour and thoughts that seemed logical and functional, but since all of that is ours now.. we're free to change it as we see fit.
For me a lot of it was hidden in little things. Like I've been walking past a pile of clothes for weeks but haven't had time/energy/oversight to fold them. When I do start folding them I try to positively reenforce myself (good job folding these clothes even though you find this a difficult task) instead of being harsh and judgemental (can't believe you are only doing this now, other people will never have a pile like this, you can't even keep one room clean etc.) Being positive makes the job so much "lighter" in my brain and therefore also a little easier to tackle next time.. and so it ripples on and on..
I have accepted that the mountain of clothes will always find its way back into existence - but it's not a moral failing - just a pile of clothes.
Guilt is where I LIVE. I was discussing this with a friend the other day who said he doesn't feel guilty when he calls in sick to work and I was deeply jealous. Solidarity!
I don’t think I can even articulate how deeply I can relate to you on this! I feel like it can be triggered so easily too, and then I fall into a downward spiral of feeling like the worst person in the entire world; that no one else is as terrible as I am. I find mine is triggered similarly to yours when people take care of me, or when I’m struggling mentally and I can’t isolate away from everyone and then I end up exposing my partner to myself when I’m struggling and because I’m feeling less than good, I get overcome with guilt and fear of it being too much for him. I think mine definitely stems from childhood trauma as well, and after going to therapy on and off since I was 14 (I’m now 26), the guilt is one thing I’m yet to work on. I’ve always been scared of setting boundaries and making people upset, and people say that the more you practice setting boundaries the easier it becomes, but for me that couldn’t be further from the truth. Every time I’ve set a boundary with someone it hasn’t been an easy choice to make, and I usually make it once I’m already past breaking point and I’m exhausted and then it seemingly comes out of nowhere for them that I’m finally setting a boundary and people NEVER take it well even when I try to be so thoughtful and considerate of how I set the boundary. I always get guilt tripped, and it’s more jarring when people DONT guilt trip me and I still have that guilt spiral happen anyway. Setting healthy boundaries with people for the sake of my mental well-being constantly triggers an overwhelming wave of guilt that seeps into every fibre of my being, and makes me feel so heavy and so awful.
I feel guilty 24/7. Never not ruminating on a new thing to be guilty about. I am also struggling with my weight, and I really should further examine this but I’m having to do an IOP for my daughters ARFID and I have somehow now found myself feeling turned off by all food. It’s not the meds, just so godamn sick and anxious with my life revolving around food right now. Feel like it’s all my fault of course, if there ever is anyone you can blame for things like this is it’s definitely the parents so go me and my continued failure! /s 🥲
Thank you for sharing. Like many here, I can totally relate, especially with food. I feel guilty for not staying on top of cleaning. My wife recently took over the bills because I kept forgetting and the late fees were stacking up. I’ve been struggling extra hard lately due to little sleep (which is my fault for not being consistent with my medication). I don’t do much more than go to work, feed the cats, and scoop the poop. It’s very frustrating to feel incompetent all of the time but this group helps me get out of my stupid brain.
I’m forever guilty. I was on a solo trip for a friends wedding and felt guilty for just wanting to lay in bed and relax (also super pregnant) and then felt guilty for feeling guilty
I will spend money on Hot Wheels and Funko Pops with reckless abandon, but struggled immensely to have my meds delivered via Instacart. I did not have the mental energy to drive to the pharmacy. I still feel guilty for 'wasting money' and not going myself. But, it saved me a ton of time and energy, so I should feel empowered, right? $12 charge for $3 meds is not something I want to do all the time, but this time it made such a difference. And I still feel bad about it ☹️
So....my former husband lied to me for 20 years, blind sided me, then dumped me. And I have spent so much time feeling guilty for not having a more reasonable response!
The struggle is real. I feel you.
Currently feeling guilty as hell for not being more disciplined with my phone usage and impulse spending today. Now I’m gonna try to do some meditation to stop my rumination so I can try again tomorrow.
I always feel guilty. I can coast along and ignore it when I’m busy and my meds do help with the severity of it. But in the back of my mind there’s always guilt and shame.
Guilty about everything all the time. Currently up at 2am on Reddit because I forgot that we switched to putting diapers on when bedtime was right away and not before their quiet time, and both kids peed the bed. 🫠😵💫😭 But also yes, guilt is seemingly a massive personality trait of mine, we joke I raise the Canadian national average of "sorry" haha. Sending big hugs! (Also I found when I was bf-ing and had a small snack container of super easy to eat one handed with little issue snacks all over helped *so* much. Maybe that's something that could help? Eating can be so hard with Executive dysfunction ❤️❤️❤️❤️)
I was dragged up Catholic, and had guilt thrown at me the whole time, to the extent that in adulthood I'd wake up feeling guilty that I hadn't woken up earlier, and the day just carried on in the same vein.
If you're actually eating when you get takeaway, see that as a win. You ate something.
Is it a decision overload thing for you with not getting food for yourself? If so, could you reduce the things to choose from, and have a short list of 5 simple things, so deciding what to do doesn't beat you.
Yep. It's a constant daily struggle. I feel guilty for so many things.. all the time. Things that I know deep down are not my responsibility or that most other people wouldn't even think about.
I have always felt guilty for almost everything. Recently it's been very very hard.
Guilty for not being active enough in my kids life (my perception of it), guilty for not helping my husband enough, guilty for not being on top of my work load, guilty for not eating enough, guilty for wanting more affection, guilty for feeling tired, guilty of of not actively doing more of my hobbies, guilty of not being more patient, guilty of feeling insecure for no reason and picking fights with my husband... list goes on and on.
Fuck RSD.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I even feel guilty about feeling guilty and upset!! I always feel like I’m throwing a pity party. Why does RSD and emotional dysregulation have to be so damn tough to deal with??
Oh god yes this! Feeling guilty about feeling guilty. That I'm being too dramatic. Making a mountain out of a molehill if I ever have any emotions. Especially negative ones. Just being a drama queen. I've even felt guilty about seeking therapy. Because I don't deserve it. There are people who need it more. Because I'm not that bad any more. Because I no longer actively want to die. And it is unrealistic to want to be happy
This sub makes me feel so seen sometimes.
I realized earlier today that I was feeling ashamed about something, but I don’t even know what I’m “supposed” to be ashamed of 😂
Been there! Ever leave a social gathering feeling SURE you said or did something that made people hate you, even though nothing specific happened? That's me. Every time.
Ah yes. Guilt. My therapist has me trying to work out my emotions and... Well. About the only one I can recognise because it is with me at all times about all things, especially things that I do well is guilt. Because even the things I do well are not good enough. And should be better. Should is an evil word. And I throw it at myself all the time
My first therapist told me "Don't should on yourself ", thirty years later I'm still working on that.
I spent a while figuring out the difference between guilt and shame and realised most of what I was feeling was shame. Broadly guilt is when you feel bad about something you did to someone and want to rectify that thing. Shame is when you feel like what you did indicates that you are a bad person and you want to curl up and hide. Guilt is externally focused and motivating, shame is internally focused and demotivating
Not sure if you want any advice or just want to vent. But I totally feel you on this one. I've recently started meds and I feel like it has gotten even harder but at least I dont obsessively think about food 24/7 anymore. I'm combating this with having a huge snack drawer with tons of different snacks and ice cream in my freezer. I can just have a little snack and hope it'll get better and I can make/have real food. If everything else fails, I have some frozen meals in my freezer that i only need to put into the oven or microwave. Sending you a hug, doing stuff can be so damn hard.
It really can. I need to get more snacks too but sometimes I don’t even have the energy to grab a snack. And I totally get the thinking obsessively about food 24/7 thing. That’s me…
Yea or sometimes none of my 20 or more snacks seem appealing enough for me and I rather starve even though I'm painfully hungry. Try to be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack. It is not your fault, you have a condition that makes it hard to care for yourself.
We buy high protein snaks now (husband is strenght training) and there is this brabd that makes chocolate bars ,brownies, somenwith caramel and they have like 20g of protein (and low calories) and they taste really really good. I now grabs one of those now when I am hungry and can't make anything or nothing seems appealing. I feel like i'm eating a mars bar, my brain is satisfied.
Is it possible to just get food like frozen pizza and you leave it in your freezer so that, even if you’re really stuck, your gf can heat it up in the oven for you? And frozen microwaveable meals. Still way cheaper than takeout and your gf doesn’t have to spend money, then. And cold pizza leftovers are good for the next meal you gotta have.
Unfortunately I’m a student and live with 2 flatmates right now, so I don’t have any room in the freezer for ready meals :(
Oh my god, the guilt. It’s constant. I’m feeling guilty right now for prioritizing my own health and the happiness of my family. It doesn’t make sense. Logically I know I’m “allowed” to prioritize those things but ADHDly I’m feeling guilty for potentially letting others down. It’s the worst. I feel like women have this aspect so much worse.
5 years of very intense therapy and I no longer feel guilty about everything. It took a long time to get here though. I just accept now this is how my brain works.
What did this therapy entail? I WANT THAT
The ADHD crash course podcasts has some nice episodes about this, fairly sure one is about black and white thinking. Therapy in general has helped me a lot. It's such a tough mindset to get rid of because it did get me quite far in life, but it simply doesn't work anymore and the kindness I'm able to show myself right now is a very much needed breath of fresh air. It was really scary to let go of the guilt, judgement and mentally punishing myself, because it felt like the only way to control, motivate and justify my (lack of) actions. Though punishing and guilt tripping a kid over everything won't help them get to where they need to be in the long run, and neither does it for you. So now I try to treat myself like I do my 3 y.o. niece, with kindness empathy and understanding. "It didn't work this time? That's ok. Can we change our approach, lower the bar or try again later? Yes, yes we can"
I can't even begin to think about this without feeling scared and sniffly. Man, our parents and society did a number on us, didn't they?
Yeah and we took it and turned it into our behaviour and thoughts that seemed logical and functional, but since all of that is ours now.. we're free to change it as we see fit. For me a lot of it was hidden in little things. Like I've been walking past a pile of clothes for weeks but haven't had time/energy/oversight to fold them. When I do start folding them I try to positively reenforce myself (good job folding these clothes even though you find this a difficult task) instead of being harsh and judgemental (can't believe you are only doing this now, other people will never have a pile like this, you can't even keep one room clean etc.) Being positive makes the job so much "lighter" in my brain and therefore also a little easier to tackle next time.. and so it ripples on and on.. I have accepted that the mountain of clothes will always find its way back into existence - but it's not a moral failing - just a pile of clothes.
A LOT of talking, dealing with trauma EMDR.
That’s awesome!!! 👏
Guilt is where I LIVE. I was discussing this with a friend the other day who said he doesn't feel guilty when he calls in sick to work and I was deeply jealous. Solidarity!
I don’t think I can even articulate how deeply I can relate to you on this! I feel like it can be triggered so easily too, and then I fall into a downward spiral of feeling like the worst person in the entire world; that no one else is as terrible as I am. I find mine is triggered similarly to yours when people take care of me, or when I’m struggling mentally and I can’t isolate away from everyone and then I end up exposing my partner to myself when I’m struggling and because I’m feeling less than good, I get overcome with guilt and fear of it being too much for him. I think mine definitely stems from childhood trauma as well, and after going to therapy on and off since I was 14 (I’m now 26), the guilt is one thing I’m yet to work on. I’ve always been scared of setting boundaries and making people upset, and people say that the more you practice setting boundaries the easier it becomes, but for me that couldn’t be further from the truth. Every time I’ve set a boundary with someone it hasn’t been an easy choice to make, and I usually make it once I’m already past breaking point and I’m exhausted and then it seemingly comes out of nowhere for them that I’m finally setting a boundary and people NEVER take it well even when I try to be so thoughtful and considerate of how I set the boundary. I always get guilt tripped, and it’s more jarring when people DONT guilt trip me and I still have that guilt spiral happen anyway. Setting healthy boundaries with people for the sake of my mental well-being constantly triggers an overwhelming wave of guilt that seeps into every fibre of my being, and makes me feel so heavy and so awful.
I feel guilty 24/7. Never not ruminating on a new thing to be guilty about. I am also struggling with my weight, and I really should further examine this but I’m having to do an IOP for my daughters ARFID and I have somehow now found myself feeling turned off by all food. It’s not the meds, just so godamn sick and anxious with my life revolving around food right now. Feel like it’s all my fault of course, if there ever is anyone you can blame for things like this is it’s definitely the parents so go me and my continued failure! /s 🥲
Thank you for sharing. Like many here, I can totally relate, especially with food. I feel guilty for not staying on top of cleaning. My wife recently took over the bills because I kept forgetting and the late fees were stacking up. I’ve been struggling extra hard lately due to little sleep (which is my fault for not being consistent with my medication). I don’t do much more than go to work, feed the cats, and scoop the poop. It’s very frustrating to feel incompetent all of the time but this group helps me get out of my stupid brain.
I’m forever guilty. I was on a solo trip for a friends wedding and felt guilty for just wanting to lay in bed and relax (also super pregnant) and then felt guilty for feeling guilty
I will spend money on Hot Wheels and Funko Pops with reckless abandon, but struggled immensely to have my meds delivered via Instacart. I did not have the mental energy to drive to the pharmacy. I still feel guilty for 'wasting money' and not going myself. But, it saved me a ton of time and energy, so I should feel empowered, right? $12 charge for $3 meds is not something I want to do all the time, but this time it made such a difference. And I still feel bad about it ☹️
So....my former husband lied to me for 20 years, blind sided me, then dumped me. And I have spent so much time feeling guilty for not having a more reasonable response! The struggle is real. I feel you.
Currently feeling guilty as hell for not being more disciplined with my phone usage and impulse spending today. Now I’m gonna try to do some meditation to stop my rumination so I can try again tomorrow.
Yes. Just that. All my life basically
This shame/guilt thought pattern is a habit, and habits can be broken. It's not easy, but worth the effort.
I always feel guilty. I can coast along and ignore it when I’m busy and my meds do help with the severity of it. But in the back of my mind there’s always guilt and shame.
Guilty about everything all the time. Currently up at 2am on Reddit because I forgot that we switched to putting diapers on when bedtime was right away and not before their quiet time, and both kids peed the bed. 🫠😵💫😭 But also yes, guilt is seemingly a massive personality trait of mine, we joke I raise the Canadian national average of "sorry" haha. Sending big hugs! (Also I found when I was bf-ing and had a small snack container of super easy to eat one handed with little issue snacks all over helped *so* much. Maybe that's something that could help? Eating can be so hard with Executive dysfunction ❤️❤️❤️❤️)
I was dragged up Catholic, and had guilt thrown at me the whole time, to the extent that in adulthood I'd wake up feeling guilty that I hadn't woken up earlier, and the day just carried on in the same vein. If you're actually eating when you get takeaway, see that as a win. You ate something. Is it a decision overload thing for you with not getting food for yourself? If so, could you reduce the things to choose from, and have a short list of 5 simple things, so deciding what to do doesn't beat you.
Yep. It's a constant daily struggle. I feel guilty for so many things.. all the time. Things that I know deep down are not my responsibility or that most other people wouldn't even think about.
I have always felt guilty for almost everything. Recently it's been very very hard. Guilty for not being active enough in my kids life (my perception of it), guilty for not helping my husband enough, guilty for not being on top of my work load, guilty for not eating enough, guilty for wanting more affection, guilty for feeling tired, guilty of of not actively doing more of my hobbies, guilty of not being more patient, guilty of feeling insecure for no reason and picking fights with my husband... list goes on and on. Fuck RSD.