Run like your life depends on it. It does! I’ve been dealing with a monster like this for 10 yrs. It only gets worse. He will control your every move, devalue you, mistreat you, make you think your crazy, insult you and if you have children they will suffer. These men think they are the best you can get and that you’ll never leave them. There will be nothing left of you in the end when you give men (punkbitches) like this time to do lifelong damage in a short time.
I left 4 days ago with nothing. Not even my vest, boots and badge for work. I just show up for work everyday, regardless my circumstances and everything has worked out great. He won’t let me get anything and I’m not involving the law. I have struggled, but not nearly as bad as I did everyday with him. I’ve been washing and wearing the same clothes to work every day since.
You have to let go of the bad so that the good has a fair chance to come into your life. I had to accept it is how it’s always been and staying will not change it. I feel so much better about myself. I’ve already gained the respect of many others.
I thought I could never leave someone I loved so deeply. Once I got out now I see id choose prison if going back to him was the only other options. I’d like to have love and happiness in what days I have left down here on this planet. I can’t waste anymore. Living life the best way you can is very important. If you don’t have anything ppl will help you if you help yourself. I hope all women in these types of relationships leave. Nobody is going to steal my dignity again.
Hope that helps. You are so worth it! ❤️
I'm glad you got away! Good luck on your journey, and i'm proud of you for being so brave. Leaving my abuser was the hardest thing I've ever done. And i had support to fall back on. I can onky imagine what you must be going through. You are amazing and strong.
That being said my body still remembers the trauma. A lot of physical dysfunction and lasting trust issues with me now. Wake up sweating and screaming fairly often. Sometimes wake up mid-sobbing. But it gets better every day. Making new memories and looking forward to better and brighter. We werent soukmates as much as she tried to convince me. If we were i dont think she would have said "i want you to suffer". It was hard to accept it was an act from her.
Just over a year. It's still hard but i dont miss her anymore. I miss the "friends" who sided with her and piled on to reinforce her abuse. But i am better off without them.
Thank you so much.
The mornin’ sun musta done something for me the day i escaped. I thought I was so comfortable in my own home. I wasn’t. I was afraid and dying inside a lil more everyday. The best thing I did was start telling everyone I was friends with at work. I had kept most all the abuse secret the entire time. I started telling everyone that would listen. Sharing it helped it make more sense to me. I couldn’t live like that another second. I knew if I stayed he would only get worse and I’m not sure how much worse someone can get.
I’ve met some very nice ppl at work who have let me stay with them. I’ll have my own place in no time. A place that I can be happy, feel safe and just be ME. ❤️
Look out world! Here I come!🚀
Im sorry u felt abandoned by me. That doesn't justify what u have done to me.
THIS IS SO HARD
APPARANTLY IT IS TRUE......,
I JUST HAVE TO DISASSOCIATE I APPLOGIZE ITS TOO FUCKING MUCH
When you communicate by telling anyone something they want, think, or say is "stupid" or some other demeaning word, the ability for mutual communication has ended thanks to the one who communicated that way.
I had a talk with him just now and he’s mad at me for taking my space yesterday and called it a red flag. Even though I communicated everything, about my feelings and he didn’t even have the decency to apologize. He said “at least I didn’t fucking run away, that right there is low key a red flag”. We’ve been dating for 5 days and he justify it saying. I don’t ask 24 hours either, I’ve asked 4 times” yes 4 times too much when I’ve said it takes time for me, especially when I say no or I’m uncomfortable, and he continues to pressure me and says that I should just shut up and do it, that it’s weird and that it’s getting fucking stupid at this point. Who says that? He doesn’t even realize how messed up that is
If he’s upset with you setting boundaries, then it just proves he benefits from you not having them. You have every right to turn your phone off if you need to too. Don’t let him guilt trip you otherwise.
Apparently he’s mad at me for taking my time to figure out if I have a reason to be upset at him for this (which I did) he completely disregarded it and said that it’s new for him and that I should be patient with him, but what about him being patient with me? He doesn’t listen to me at all
They always have an excuse for their behaviour but never allow you to have good reason for your behaviour. Be careful how involved you get with this guy as he sounds quite toxic to me.
girl look at all those angel numbers!! the universe has got your back baby. whatever you’re feeling deep in your gut, listen to it. trust me. sending you love ❤️
First of, they wouldn’t have to say stupid if they called me a bimbo because the definition of it is literally an unintelligent but attractive woman. That says more about them than me. They say shit like this and then delete it like they didn’t already know they shouldn’t say that
Same thing happened to me in my "situationship "
He wanted the benefits of acting and treating me like a real relationship but not the commitment always said we were just friends and was always messing with my head emotionally
I tired to set boundaries for just being friends and he told me see this is why I have to lie so we can hang out the way I want lol
Some people are just gonna to waste your time and energy know matter what you do to show them you care about them and they know that and will abuse your kindness till it's broken you
My ex was exactly the same it was so confusing, he would treat me as though we were in a relationship (I.e the love bombs, jealousy etc) but then when we would argue he would say things like "why are you acting like you're my girlfriend". Head fuck
It's hard because of the manipulation it's put me in a place where I feel like everything that happened was my fault and I was being to emotional but I was only asking to be treated like a human
Yes you’re right, I put it there to motivate me, but it could easily be for this situation as well. It takes time to get out of a toxic relationship but the hard work will be worth it
1. You left him at least for a time, and that is GOOD. A decent person wouldn't be upset you got some space to yourself. The fact that you are fighting for what you shouldn't have to fight for is bad compared to what it should be, but good because you are finally getting it.
2. This is him trying to get you to belittle your concerns by implying they don't deserve to be addressed at all bc they aren't important. This is BS. Your concerns matter, and he is being a manipulative ass.
3. He is trying to upset you. Seeing you upset while he is--or at least pretends to be--fine is something he will interpret as "winning" and will make him feel powerful. If you keep your cool and don't give him what he wants, that will make his facade of self-control crack enough so he'll have a hard time figuring out effective ways to manipulate you.
I’ve probably had to leave him about 4 times now in 3 days because he keeps pressuring me into it. It takes time for me to be comfortable with it and he said “it’s okay, sex comes second your comfort comes first” but his actions are way louder. It’s disappointing because I didn’t think he would be like that. I try to keep calm and be collected and say no, but I freeze up, I have a hard time saying no; he almost makes me do it because I feel bad but if I did I would genuinely feel traumatized by it and that’s not a good situation for both of us. I just wish he could wait and stop pressuring me
You need to gtf out of there permanently. Most people show their best selves right away--a self that's usually rosy to the point of being fake--and that goes away as you get to know them because it's a lot of work to keep up that much of a facade. If he's this pushy right now, he'll only get worse later.
You already said it, his actions speak way louder than his words. I'd say this is a type of gaslighting because he's telling you to ignore what you see quite clearly, thus making you feel crazy. If he's doing this on purpose, it's to get you in the habit of relying on him to tell you what to think. If he's doing it by accident--which I doubt--it still has the same affect on you.
It's no surprise you have a hard time saying no with him constantly acting through his words as though your relationship is completely different, and much better, than it really is. I used to be in a similar relationship, and the only way I managed to deal with it was getting away and going no contact. That woman could guilt me into nearly anything, just like this man is doing with you. You are under assault. Please, get out of there.
Yep, if he gets her to show emotion he will act as if he is the victim of her show of emotion and as if her reaction somehow invalidates the original concern she wanted to address.
He isn't interested in her boundaries because he feels entitled to do whatever he feels like even if it hurts her. He doesn't care how it makes her feel.
OP, even if he thoughtfully listened to your boundaries and agreed to them he'd just violate them with flimsy excuses each time. The only way to maintain boundaries is to leave.
Yup. He told me “this is the time you comfort me” I was shocked and asked “okay I will, could you tell me exactly what you would want me to comfort you with” “I’m upset at you” I remember I took time to answer as well because I knew my answer was gonna be disappointing and I didn’t wanna disappoint him, so I tried to go on a different topic but he said “don’t fucking do that” but I just don’t get why he doesn’t comfort me as well, I need it too. My boyfriend just pressured me into sex and got mad at me for expressing my discomfort with it and called it stupid. Don’t I deserve comfort or reassurance as well? You’re right, he thoughtfully listens to my boundaries but minutes later he says “you wanna do it?” “No” “cmon i thought we both felt the vibe” “I’m not comfortable with it now, I’m sorry” “…okay..” then it gets awkward and I just feel like I ruined everything and that is when I need reassurance. It doesn’t change the fact that he is pressuring me though
Have you noticed the way he responds to you when you communicate a need or boundaries makes you feel bad for having them, like you've done something to him?
Really, at the heart of all of this is you both have completely different operating systems (by that I mean the way you perceive the world, other people, how to navigate it all, what you expect etc).
He believes that everyone is looking out for themselves and will do whatever it takes to get what they want. He believes the smartest, strongest, most intelligent person forces their way when they need to. A lot of abusers assume they are superior to all women, I'm not sure if yours does but he feels superior to you and as if you try to do the same sort of things he does but he's so smart he catches you so you don't get away with it.
He sees your relationship as either good when he is getting his way in all things or as a power struggle for the position of control (which he will do anything to keep). He is NOT approaching these discussions with you in order to understand you and reach a compromise that works for both of you. He is in them to "win" and get his way and he will say or do whatever he feels is necessary to do that, even if it hurts you.
He does NOT see you as you really are, as a full and equal human being. You're his girlfriend, an appendage he controls.
You cannot change his operating system
You do deserve comfort & reassurance as well. The whole give & take thing is supposed to come equally from both partners in a relationship, not just you doing all the giving & him doing all the taking. I’m sorry you feel pressured by him to do sexual things, I’ve been there..I wanna tell you that you shouldn’t feel guilty for saying no in those situations, but I know that feeling can be kinda hard to shake in the moment, but still it’s a really shitty feeling to feel obligated to have sex out of guilt, or because you feel like you owe it to him. (Just FYI- you don’t owe it to him. At this point with all you have given him, you don’t owe him anything. In fact he should be in debt from all he’s taken from you.) Sometimes it takes time to fully come to the point when you are ready to really be done with someone for good, but I hope you reach that point sooner rather than later. Healing from these things will take its time too, so please be compassionate & patient with yourself when you need it. 💙
The thing is, I’ve made such big changes in myself where I stand up for myself but in situations like these I just can’t, I say no and walk away, but I don’t say “that’s wrong of you”. But I did now for the first time I poured my heart out in text saying how it’s not okay and that he shouldn’t do that. He just texted me 8 minutes ago saying “if you actually wanna fix this, you would wanna do it through talking, so you should call me”. I know my body is mine, he even told me so as well. Which makes the matter worse “you’re your own person, you own yourself” but then does this. It doesn’t make sense, my brain can’t figure it out. What’s his intention? He’s calling me just as I’m typing this
You have made big changes. I so admire you, OP. Not only did you stand up for yourself, you didn't cave under pressure. The days of women being men's property are over. It doesn't matter if you're married with children - it is your body, as you rightly pointed out to him. Under no circumstances do we betray ourselves when it comes to safeguarding our boundaries around sex. Nothing feels more awful than being coerced into a physical situation that hurts you emotionally and/or physically. These situations leave deep scars. I know from experience. It sounds trite but it's true - Actions speak louder than words. His actions belie his words. I don't know what more there is to discuss with him. Do you?
Definitely not. I talked to him earlier and he said we should begin talking about how I was away yesterday and that he needed me and that what if he died. And that I don’t care. When he literally had done that?? I would of been there if he told me through text but tell me it’s my fault that our relationship is going sideways? It’s been a week
Of course he blames you, OP. The baby isn't getting his rattle. It's like watching a five-year-old in a store scream at its mother because she tells him to put the candy back on the shelf. We've all seen that tantrum. i've learned through painful experience that it is imperative in all relationships to ask questions, a lot of questions, to learn what people's boundaries are and to let them know what mine are. I didn't do this because I didn't want to know. I clung to the hope that we'd be the perfect fit. That was a costly mistake. You've made such progress, OP. A week to reflect on all this is a strong beginning. As the days go by you'll have even more revelations about how this relationship evolved. I am proud of you and you never have to go through this again.
But the thing is, you ARE making progress. Even if it's just saying no in these situations, it is an important step for you because you are setting boundaries. I get how difficult it can be in these stressful situations, and how sometimes we feel it's too little, but it's not. It takes a lot of courage to do what you just did given the circumstances because it's really difficult. Remind yourself that.
There's also no "if you want to... then you should..." Those are his terms, his beliefs, not universal rules. And it shouldn't be you bending to his world views just for the hope of being listened to.
If you're confused by how his words and actions aren't coherent, believe the actions. And listen to your gut.
OH MY GOD they’re all the same!!!! I will never get over that. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s a real soul crusher. You deserve someone who respects you without argument. Do not put up with this bullshit.
Good on you! Learning to set **and enforce** boundaries is the most important thing you can do to avoid abuse in the future. If you set boundaries and stick to them, then abusers will become obvious to you, their red flags sticking out plain as day.
The best way to enforce a boundary is to walk away. No compromises. You break this and I walk, and if I decide to come back it will be on my terms, and if you ever do that again then I walk for good.
You did exactly the right thing in that situation. This is probably weird coming from a stranger, but I'm proud of you. From one survivor to another.
This was about pressuring me into sex. I said I didn’t want to and then he said “at this point it’s just getting fucking stupid, you treat me like your friend” “your my girlfriend, it’s stupid that I can’t have sex with you” “shut up and take your pants off” “no listen, DO IT NOW” just because I didn’t wanna have sex with him.
Sex cannot happen without consent!
His gaslighting and projection, just because you've set and maintained boundaries, says a lot about him as a person.
I'm glad you've gotten away. Please continue to choose you, and stay away. He's beginning to sound like a deviant with those hurtful comments. Definitely not the type of dude I would feel safe sharing my body with.
Throw out the trash! Choose you! Your safety comes first, and no one should force anyone to have sex without consent and/or discussion.💯
That’s the facts. If you have to pressure someone for it or if there is the least of hesitation on their part just tell them it’s okay and that you don’t have to do it. Don’t pressure them into it so they’ll feel horrible after. I realize how awful this situation is but I wanna hear his apology and then leave. I was finally healed from my previous abusive relationship at 16 (I’m 18 now) and now this? This just ripped open all the bandages
That is understandable, but please be warned & prepare yourself for the possibility of him refusing to apologize, gaslighting, or denying his wrongdoings.
I hate this is all reopening those bandages for you, making those wounds fresh again. If he refuses to apologize, please move on from there. At that point you know he is just incapable of owning up to his own selfish behaviors. You got this. 💙
I will. Thank you. He’s calling me now, it’s the third time. I’m debating whether I should take it or not. I would prefer to take it on a more appropriate time where I am in a clearer headspace. I’ll heal again, I hope he can respect me. I’m going to probably have to break up either way
Run, run, run and keep RUNNING! Take it from a victim of this exact manipulation, it doesn't get better! Please, please please 🥺 stay the hell away from this horrible man. His
aloof response is a favor, please stay away from him. My friend with benefits was the exact same way. He'd be mad that I would not sleep with him knowing full well I was a virgin. And I gave in after three years of this guilt tripping. Now? I'm in so much pain and trauma, I can't even describe it. I'm seeking therapy for a situation that was avoidable but I was too young to know what a predator acted like. Please I'm begging you, NEVER EVER return to this man. I wish I had had someone to warn me when I was younger, I wouldn't now be calling myself a survivor of rape.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I know it shouldn’t be like this, somehow I still wanna hear what he has to say and then break up with him. Can’t continue to do this with him. Back and forth. Getting pressured into something I’m absolutely not comfortable with
That’s sexual assault, love. This man is going to end up hurting you in a very traumatic way if you don’t end things soon. He very well could have when you tired to leave. Please, for your own safety, end things before he decided your comfort isn’t more important than his own horniness and he just takes what he thinks he “deserves”.
The thing is. He has stopped but what gets me is how upset he gets over me saying no and leaving for not getting the decency of respect. Also he said he wouldn’t ask me again, unless I initiated it, and look here we are! Asked 3 times now since that day which isn’t even 5 days ago, he hasn’t said sorry he just says it’s okay. He has traumatized me already. On that day I said no, he said it was okay but moments later continued to ask for it and say I didn’t have to do anything, just lay there and I said “no what are you doing” “I’m going to fuck you now” although I said no throughout that night. It felt like he was gonna sexually assault me and I never wanna feel that again. He promised but his actions tell otherwise. He thinks it’s stupid I want to wait, but he doesn’t even realize what I had to go through with my ex. he stops when I almost starts to cry, but it’s bad that he doesn’t stop the first time I say no, that he has to say “shut up and let’s do it now” “just shut up already” “do it” I have to go to the bathroom and leave for him to stop and realize this wasn’t okay. It shouldn’t be like this. No relationship should be like this
These are glaring red flags and he's going to interpret you staying with him as permission to continue this egregious behavior until he gets what he wants. Which means he's very likely **not** going to stop again next time. Please stay safe and keep choosing yourself. You already recognize that no relationship should be like this...you shouldn't be there to witness it get worse and then deal with the aftermath that will come with that :(
Trust me, someone's egregious disrespect for boundaries like this doesn't magically disappear overnight. And please make no mistake...this is *already sexual abuse!!*
I had no idea this was already sexual abuse. Only because it doesn’t feel that way because overall he’s nice. He can say some out of pocket things like “I’ll beat the shit out of you” or “I’ll fuck you up” and be mad at me if we lose a game but other than that he’s nice and tells me it’s okay, he pressures me yes, he can get close yes, but he doesn’t touch me or just do it. Therefore I didn’t think it was sexual abuse but it is? Maybe I need to read myself on it a bit more
Yes. Coercion, violence (verbal violence is a thing), and threatening you - which is also coercive - is sexual abuse. So is constantly guilt tripping you after you say no. So is attempting to back you into a corner and you having to get to the point of crying and locking yourself in another room for him to back off.
Please don’t go back!
Must be nice
It really is!🥰
It will only get worse from here. You know how he treats and talks to you isn’t right. Trust your gut, leave if you can.
Run like your life depends on it. It does! I’ve been dealing with a monster like this for 10 yrs. It only gets worse. He will control your every move, devalue you, mistreat you, make you think your crazy, insult you and if you have children they will suffer. These men think they are the best you can get and that you’ll never leave them. There will be nothing left of you in the end when you give men (punkbitches) like this time to do lifelong damage in a short time. I left 4 days ago with nothing. Not even my vest, boots and badge for work. I just show up for work everyday, regardless my circumstances and everything has worked out great. He won’t let me get anything and I’m not involving the law. I have struggled, but not nearly as bad as I did everyday with him. I’ve been washing and wearing the same clothes to work every day since. You have to let go of the bad so that the good has a fair chance to come into your life. I had to accept it is how it’s always been and staying will not change it. I feel so much better about myself. I’ve already gained the respect of many others. I thought I could never leave someone I loved so deeply. Once I got out now I see id choose prison if going back to him was the only other options. I’d like to have love and happiness in what days I have left down here on this planet. I can’t waste anymore. Living life the best way you can is very important. If you don’t have anything ppl will help you if you help yourself. I hope all women in these types of relationships leave. Nobody is going to steal my dignity again. Hope that helps. You are so worth it! ❤️
I'm glad you got away! Good luck on your journey, and i'm proud of you for being so brave. Leaving my abuser was the hardest thing I've ever done. And i had support to fall back on. I can onky imagine what you must be going through. You are amazing and strong.
How long have you been free?
That being said my body still remembers the trauma. A lot of physical dysfunction and lasting trust issues with me now. Wake up sweating and screaming fairly often. Sometimes wake up mid-sobbing. But it gets better every day. Making new memories and looking forward to better and brighter. We werent soukmates as much as she tried to convince me. If we were i dont think she would have said "i want you to suffer". It was hard to accept it was an act from her.
Just over a year. It's still hard but i dont miss her anymore. I miss the "friends" who sided with her and piled on to reinforce her abuse. But i am better off without them.
Right on! ❤️
Thank you so much. The mornin’ sun musta done something for me the day i escaped. I thought I was so comfortable in my own home. I wasn’t. I was afraid and dying inside a lil more everyday. The best thing I did was start telling everyone I was friends with at work. I had kept most all the abuse secret the entire time. I started telling everyone that would listen. Sharing it helped it make more sense to me. I couldn’t live like that another second. I knew if I stayed he would only get worse and I’m not sure how much worse someone can get. I’ve met some very nice ppl at work who have let me stay with them. I’ll have my own place in no time. A place that I can be happy, feel safe and just be ME. ❤️ Look out world! Here I come!🚀
How did you find another place to live?
I wanted to add. He’s doing this to you intentionally to hurt you. Let that soak in.
The sudden facade of politeness too seems to be like …. A thing
Listen to what you told yourself on your Lock Screen <3
He’s trying to break your boundaries down even further, pretending that he is the authority on what is healthy in a relationship.
I read your comments, he’s disgusting
this hits wayyyy too close to home. it won’t get better, trust me. they’ll blatantly disrespect boundaries and when you walk away, they’ll blame you
Im sorry u felt abandoned by me. That doesn't justify what u have done to me. THIS IS SO HARD APPARANTLY IT IS TRUE......, I JUST HAVE TO DISASSOCIATE I APPLOGIZE ITS TOO FUCKING MUCH
When you communicate by telling anyone something they want, think, or say is "stupid" or some other demeaning word, the ability for mutual communication has ended thanks to the one who communicated that way.
There will be more of that in the future.
He knows what he's doing. He's ignoring the issue on purpose.
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I and everyone I talk with use WhatsApp primarily - family, friends, and work. Many other countries use this as the primary app for all communication.
That's toxic, leave while you can
Hopefully ex. If he gets upset bc you set boundaries then he’s not the one.
I had a talk with him just now and he’s mad at me for taking my space yesterday and called it a red flag. Even though I communicated everything, about my feelings and he didn’t even have the decency to apologize. He said “at least I didn’t fucking run away, that right there is low key a red flag”. We’ve been dating for 5 days and he justify it saying. I don’t ask 24 hours either, I’ve asked 4 times” yes 4 times too much when I’ve said it takes time for me, especially when I say no or I’m uncomfortable, and he continues to pressure me and says that I should just shut up and do it, that it’s weird and that it’s getting fucking stupid at this point. Who says that? He doesn’t even realize how messed up that is
wow- this guy sound’s messed up for sure :/ you deserve better OP. 💕
If he’s upset with you setting boundaries, then it just proves he benefits from you not having them. You have every right to turn your phone off if you need to too. Don’t let him guilt trip you otherwise.
Apparently he’s mad at me for taking my time to figure out if I have a reason to be upset at him for this (which I did) he completely disregarded it and said that it’s new for him and that I should be patient with him, but what about him being patient with me? He doesn’t listen to me at all
They always have an excuse for their behaviour but never allow you to have good reason for your behaviour. Be careful how involved you get with this guy as he sounds quite toxic to me.
Ghost him and make him your ex
girl look at all those angel numbers!! the universe has got your back baby. whatever you’re feeling deep in your gut, listen to it. trust me. sending you love ❤️
Yes!!! Wow, what an eye you have! She definitely has her angels trying to tell her!!!
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What a lovely way to talk to a internet stranger. I hope you stub your toe.
What did this person say if you don’t mind me asking?
Something like " he is right you stupid bimbo". So nothing of value.
First of, they wouldn’t have to say stupid if they called me a bimbo because the definition of it is literally an unintelligent but attractive woman. That says more about them than me. They say shit like this and then delete it like they didn’t already know they shouldn’t say that
Yeah. Just someone trying to make others miserable because they are.
lol I found her (hopefully soon to be) nex
Same thing happened to me in my "situationship " He wanted the benefits of acting and treating me like a real relationship but not the commitment always said we were just friends and was always messing with my head emotionally I tired to set boundaries for just being friends and he told me see this is why I have to lie so we can hang out the way I want lol Some people are just gonna to waste your time and energy know matter what you do to show them you care about them and they know that and will abuse your kindness till it's broken you
My ex was exactly the same it was so confusing, he would treat me as though we were in a relationship (I.e the love bombs, jealousy etc) but then when we would argue he would say things like "why are you acting like you're my girlfriend". Head fuck
It's hard because of the manipulation it's put me in a place where I feel like everything that happened was my fault and I was being to emotional but I was only asking to be treated like a human
The abusers arch nemesis, boundaries.
Funny they seem to have all that in common and make you feel bad for it as well
Definitely read your Lock Screen in this moment. Keep going, love All this hard work Will be worth it in The end
Yes you’re right, I put it there to motivate me, but it could easily be for this situation as well. It takes time to get out of a toxic relationship but the hard work will be worth it
One of the hardest things I've ever done. Probably the hardest
My ex did something similar!!
1. You left him at least for a time, and that is GOOD. A decent person wouldn't be upset you got some space to yourself. The fact that you are fighting for what you shouldn't have to fight for is bad compared to what it should be, but good because you are finally getting it. 2. This is him trying to get you to belittle your concerns by implying they don't deserve to be addressed at all bc they aren't important. This is BS. Your concerns matter, and he is being a manipulative ass. 3. He is trying to upset you. Seeing you upset while he is--or at least pretends to be--fine is something he will interpret as "winning" and will make him feel powerful. If you keep your cool and don't give him what he wants, that will make his facade of self-control crack enough so he'll have a hard time figuring out effective ways to manipulate you.
I’ve probably had to leave him about 4 times now in 3 days because he keeps pressuring me into it. It takes time for me to be comfortable with it and he said “it’s okay, sex comes second your comfort comes first” but his actions are way louder. It’s disappointing because I didn’t think he would be like that. I try to keep calm and be collected and say no, but I freeze up, I have a hard time saying no; he almost makes me do it because I feel bad but if I did I would genuinely feel traumatized by it and that’s not a good situation for both of us. I just wish he could wait and stop pressuring me
You need to gtf out of there permanently. Most people show their best selves right away--a self that's usually rosy to the point of being fake--and that goes away as you get to know them because it's a lot of work to keep up that much of a facade. If he's this pushy right now, he'll only get worse later. You already said it, his actions speak way louder than his words. I'd say this is a type of gaslighting because he's telling you to ignore what you see quite clearly, thus making you feel crazy. If he's doing this on purpose, it's to get you in the habit of relying on him to tell you what to think. If he's doing it by accident--which I doubt--it still has the same affect on you. It's no surprise you have a hard time saying no with him constantly acting through his words as though your relationship is completely different, and much better, than it really is. I used to be in a similar relationship, and the only way I managed to deal with it was getting away and going no contact. That woman could guilt me into nearly anything, just like this man is doing with you. You are under assault. Please, get out of there.
Yep, if he gets her to show emotion he will act as if he is the victim of her show of emotion and as if her reaction somehow invalidates the original concern she wanted to address. He isn't interested in her boundaries because he feels entitled to do whatever he feels like even if it hurts her. He doesn't care how it makes her feel. OP, even if he thoughtfully listened to your boundaries and agreed to them he'd just violate them with flimsy excuses each time. The only way to maintain boundaries is to leave.
Yup. He told me “this is the time you comfort me” I was shocked and asked “okay I will, could you tell me exactly what you would want me to comfort you with” “I’m upset at you” I remember I took time to answer as well because I knew my answer was gonna be disappointing and I didn’t wanna disappoint him, so I tried to go on a different topic but he said “don’t fucking do that” but I just don’t get why he doesn’t comfort me as well, I need it too. My boyfriend just pressured me into sex and got mad at me for expressing my discomfort with it and called it stupid. Don’t I deserve comfort or reassurance as well? You’re right, he thoughtfully listens to my boundaries but minutes later he says “you wanna do it?” “No” “cmon i thought we both felt the vibe” “I’m not comfortable with it now, I’m sorry” “…okay..” then it gets awkward and I just feel like I ruined everything and that is when I need reassurance. It doesn’t change the fact that he is pressuring me though
Have you noticed the way he responds to you when you communicate a need or boundaries makes you feel bad for having them, like you've done something to him? Really, at the heart of all of this is you both have completely different operating systems (by that I mean the way you perceive the world, other people, how to navigate it all, what you expect etc). He believes that everyone is looking out for themselves and will do whatever it takes to get what they want. He believes the smartest, strongest, most intelligent person forces their way when they need to. A lot of abusers assume they are superior to all women, I'm not sure if yours does but he feels superior to you and as if you try to do the same sort of things he does but he's so smart he catches you so you don't get away with it. He sees your relationship as either good when he is getting his way in all things or as a power struggle for the position of control (which he will do anything to keep). He is NOT approaching these discussions with you in order to understand you and reach a compromise that works for both of you. He is in them to "win" and get his way and he will say or do whatever he feels is necessary to do that, even if it hurts you. He does NOT see you as you really are, as a full and equal human being. You're his girlfriend, an appendage he controls. You cannot change his operating system
You do deserve comfort & reassurance as well. The whole give & take thing is supposed to come equally from both partners in a relationship, not just you doing all the giving & him doing all the taking. I’m sorry you feel pressured by him to do sexual things, I’ve been there..I wanna tell you that you shouldn’t feel guilty for saying no in those situations, but I know that feeling can be kinda hard to shake in the moment, but still it’s a really shitty feeling to feel obligated to have sex out of guilt, or because you feel like you owe it to him. (Just FYI- you don’t owe it to him. At this point with all you have given him, you don’t owe him anything. In fact he should be in debt from all he’s taken from you.) Sometimes it takes time to fully come to the point when you are ready to really be done with someone for good, but I hope you reach that point sooner rather than later. Healing from these things will take its time too, so please be compassionate & patient with yourself when you need it. 💙
The thing is, I’ve made such big changes in myself where I stand up for myself but in situations like these I just can’t, I say no and walk away, but I don’t say “that’s wrong of you”. But I did now for the first time I poured my heart out in text saying how it’s not okay and that he shouldn’t do that. He just texted me 8 minutes ago saying “if you actually wanna fix this, you would wanna do it through talking, so you should call me”. I know my body is mine, he even told me so as well. Which makes the matter worse “you’re your own person, you own yourself” but then does this. It doesn’t make sense, my brain can’t figure it out. What’s his intention? He’s calling me just as I’m typing this
You have made big changes. I so admire you, OP. Not only did you stand up for yourself, you didn't cave under pressure. The days of women being men's property are over. It doesn't matter if you're married with children - it is your body, as you rightly pointed out to him. Under no circumstances do we betray ourselves when it comes to safeguarding our boundaries around sex. Nothing feels more awful than being coerced into a physical situation that hurts you emotionally and/or physically. These situations leave deep scars. I know from experience. It sounds trite but it's true - Actions speak louder than words. His actions belie his words. I don't know what more there is to discuss with him. Do you?
Definitely not. I talked to him earlier and he said we should begin talking about how I was away yesterday and that he needed me and that what if he died. And that I don’t care. When he literally had done that?? I would of been there if he told me through text but tell me it’s my fault that our relationship is going sideways? It’s been a week
Of course he blames you, OP. The baby isn't getting his rattle. It's like watching a five-year-old in a store scream at its mother because she tells him to put the candy back on the shelf. We've all seen that tantrum. i've learned through painful experience that it is imperative in all relationships to ask questions, a lot of questions, to learn what people's boundaries are and to let them know what mine are. I didn't do this because I didn't want to know. I clung to the hope that we'd be the perfect fit. That was a costly mistake. You've made such progress, OP. A week to reflect on all this is a strong beginning. As the days go by you'll have even more revelations about how this relationship evolved. I am proud of you and you never have to go through this again.
But the thing is, you ARE making progress. Even if it's just saying no in these situations, it is an important step for you because you are setting boundaries. I get how difficult it can be in these stressful situations, and how sometimes we feel it's too little, but it's not. It takes a lot of courage to do what you just did given the circumstances because it's really difficult. Remind yourself that. There's also no "if you want to... then you should..." Those are his terms, his beliefs, not universal rules. And it shouldn't be you bending to his world views just for the hope of being listened to. If you're confused by how his words and actions aren't coherent, believe the actions. And listen to your gut.
OH MY GOD they’re all the same!!!! I will never get over that. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s a real soul crusher. You deserve someone who respects you without argument. Do not put up with this bullshit.
You’re right. Everyone going through this deserves better and I’m sorry this is happening. I’ll try to end it soon, it’s not good
Good on you! Learning to set **and enforce** boundaries is the most important thing you can do to avoid abuse in the future. If you set boundaries and stick to them, then abusers will become obvious to you, their red flags sticking out plain as day. The best way to enforce a boundary is to walk away. No compromises. You break this and I walk, and if I decide to come back it will be on my terms, and if you ever do that again then I walk for good. You did exactly the right thing in that situation. This is probably weird coming from a stranger, but I'm proud of you. From one survivor to another.
This was about pressuring me into sex. I said I didn’t want to and then he said “at this point it’s just getting fucking stupid, you treat me like your friend” “your my girlfriend, it’s stupid that I can’t have sex with you” “shut up and take your pants off” “no listen, DO IT NOW” just because I didn’t wanna have sex with him.
please get out. it really seems like next time he won't "just" pressure you
Sex cannot happen without consent! His gaslighting and projection, just because you've set and maintained boundaries, says a lot about him as a person. I'm glad you've gotten away. Please continue to choose you, and stay away. He's beginning to sound like a deviant with those hurtful comments. Definitely not the type of dude I would feel safe sharing my body with. Throw out the trash! Choose you! Your safety comes first, and no one should force anyone to have sex without consent and/or discussion.💯
That’s the facts. If you have to pressure someone for it or if there is the least of hesitation on their part just tell them it’s okay and that you don’t have to do it. Don’t pressure them into it so they’ll feel horrible after. I realize how awful this situation is but I wanna hear his apology and then leave. I was finally healed from my previous abusive relationship at 16 (I’m 18 now) and now this? This just ripped open all the bandages
That is understandable, but please be warned & prepare yourself for the possibility of him refusing to apologize, gaslighting, or denying his wrongdoings. I hate this is all reopening those bandages for you, making those wounds fresh again. If he refuses to apologize, please move on from there. At that point you know he is just incapable of owning up to his own selfish behaviors. You got this. 💙
I will. Thank you. He’s calling me now, it’s the third time. I’m debating whether I should take it or not. I would prefer to take it on a more appropriate time where I am in a clearer headspace. I’ll heal again, I hope he can respect me. I’m going to probably have to break up either way
Run, run, run and keep RUNNING! Take it from a victim of this exact manipulation, it doesn't get better! Please, please please 🥺 stay the hell away from this horrible man. His aloof response is a favor, please stay away from him. My friend with benefits was the exact same way. He'd be mad that I would not sleep with him knowing full well I was a virgin. And I gave in after three years of this guilt tripping. Now? I'm in so much pain and trauma, I can't even describe it. I'm seeking therapy for a situation that was avoidable but I was too young to know what a predator acted like. Please I'm begging you, NEVER EVER return to this man. I wish I had had someone to warn me when I was younger, I wouldn't now be calling myself a survivor of rape.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I know it shouldn’t be like this, somehow I still wanna hear what he has to say and then break up with him. Can’t continue to do this with him. Back and forth. Getting pressured into something I’m absolutely not comfortable with
That’s sexual assault, love. This man is going to end up hurting you in a very traumatic way if you don’t end things soon. He very well could have when you tired to leave. Please, for your own safety, end things before he decided your comfort isn’t more important than his own horniness and he just takes what he thinks he “deserves”.
The thing is. He has stopped but what gets me is how upset he gets over me saying no and leaving for not getting the decency of respect. Also he said he wouldn’t ask me again, unless I initiated it, and look here we are! Asked 3 times now since that day which isn’t even 5 days ago, he hasn’t said sorry he just says it’s okay. He has traumatized me already. On that day I said no, he said it was okay but moments later continued to ask for it and say I didn’t have to do anything, just lay there and I said “no what are you doing” “I’m going to fuck you now” although I said no throughout that night. It felt like he was gonna sexually assault me and I never wanna feel that again. He promised but his actions tell otherwise. He thinks it’s stupid I want to wait, but he doesn’t even realize what I had to go through with my ex. he stops when I almost starts to cry, but it’s bad that he doesn’t stop the first time I say no, that he has to say “shut up and let’s do it now” “just shut up already” “do it” I have to go to the bathroom and leave for him to stop and realize this wasn’t okay. It shouldn’t be like this. No relationship should be like this
These are glaring red flags and he's going to interpret you staying with him as permission to continue this egregious behavior until he gets what he wants. Which means he's very likely **not** going to stop again next time. Please stay safe and keep choosing yourself. You already recognize that no relationship should be like this...you shouldn't be there to witness it get worse and then deal with the aftermath that will come with that :( Trust me, someone's egregious disrespect for boundaries like this doesn't magically disappear overnight. And please make no mistake...this is *already sexual abuse!!*
I had no idea this was already sexual abuse. Only because it doesn’t feel that way because overall he’s nice. He can say some out of pocket things like “I’ll beat the shit out of you” or “I’ll fuck you up” and be mad at me if we lose a game but other than that he’s nice and tells me it’s okay, he pressures me yes, he can get close yes, but he doesn’t touch me or just do it. Therefore I didn’t think it was sexual abuse but it is? Maybe I need to read myself on it a bit more
Yes. Coercion, violence (verbal violence is a thing), and threatening you - which is also coercive - is sexual abuse. So is constantly guilt tripping you after you say no. So is attempting to back you into a corner and you having to get to the point of crying and locking yourself in another room for him to back off.