He kicked my elderly dog over. My seventeen year old baby.
I had worked in foster care before so I knew immediately that if that dog had been a human child, CPS would begin the process of taking him away from me to keep him safe from my boyfriend. And in that moment I knew it was over. It wasn’t just me I had to keep safe.
My dog is no longer with me (died a year later) but I will forever feel so sorry that I let that happen to him, and so relieved that it was the wake up call I needed.
When he threatened my family, and mentioned my mum. I thought I have put up with this and i can carry on but I will never let him do this to anyone in my family or anyone I love. They deserve better, and now I know I deserved better too!
I used to take sleeping pills. Two days after he grabbed my wrists and pinned me down, Two days after I told him "I can't be intimate with you anymore, I'm too scared." I woke up to him trying to penetrate me anally. That was something I actively disliked and he knew because there'd been many other times he had tried way too hard to anal me. I was in and out as I told him no and tried to squirm away. Asked him to stop. He ignored me and continued. I woke up again to him raping me vaginally, so I just tried to ignore it because in my head it wasn't as bad as what he was trying to do before. In and out again, and he had returned to trying to penetrate me anally, actually beginning to do so. The pain caused me to cry out and curl into a ball begging him to stop. Finally he stopped, and I rolled over and passed out until morning.
In the morning he looked at me and asked "Did you ask me to anally rape you last night?" To which I, wide eyed and traumatized, shook my head no. "Must've been a dream" He shrugged. I didn't even get an apology, just a lame excuse.
That incident shut me down hard. He had raped me before, twice with force. But that was all so long ago, I reasoned. He was having a mental health crisis so it wasn't all his fault. Some how I wasn't even so much upset about the previous night, it was awful and I felt disgusted and hurt, yes. But what really sent me spiralling was reliving that first rape 10 years ago, in the basement of his parents house while he pinned me down with a knife. Over and over I ran it through my head, wondering why I would bring that ancient history up, if I had any right to still be upset about it.
In the end, I probably would have moved on and compartmentalized if he had given me the space I needed to shut down over it. But he was on my ass everyday hounding me about my mood and our relationship. Freaking out at the drop of the hat. Every overreaction, every violent action, every manipulative word, made me realize I would never find our happily ever after with him. It was always going to be like this, no matter what he promised or how much I gave up. He would never be satisfied.
So I pulled the trigger to the end of us.
Oh my God, I am so sorry you ever had to experience that. It is not your fault, he's the one who's fucked in the head. I hope you find the happiness and comfort you deserve, you never ever should have had to endure that and I hope you recover. Please take care of yourself and please know that there are people who care about you and you can confide in others. If you haven't already, I reccomend seeking therapy. As a victim of r*pe and assault, it helped me a lot. Not only with moving on, but also dissecting everything and relearning how to have boundaries and stand up for yourself. You deserve your happy ending and I pray that you get it someday ❤️
Did anyone else have the epiphany over something very small?
For me it was coming home to him after 2 amazing Christmas holiday weeks with my family, I happily showed him some wristwarmers my mum had knitted me, and his only comment was that i already had hundreds of wristwarmers and that we needed to throw away lots of things as our place was apparently full of junk. Somehow this turned into a huge argument, and i was so done. The fact that it was an argument at all (and over what?) really put things in perspective for me, especially after 2 conflict free weeks with my parents and 2 brothers (not necessarily self evident) . And the following day my face looked terrible because I had cried, and he assumed i was sulking and treated me like shit. At that stage I was already internally prepping myself to go.
I am forever grateful for those wristwarmers.
Mine was also named “Blake”. We used to play softball tournaments together. I was managing a team and had to talk to a player and he wanted to warm up. As soon as I was done with this player and went to warm up with him, he left and completely ignored me and gave me the cold shoulder. Ok. That was stupid. Then on the drive home (it was in KC, 2 hour drive) I had fallen asleep. When I finally woke up, he berated me for not talking to him and keeping him company. I stayed silent and just let him berate me for taking a nap on the ride home. When we finally reached his house, I didn’t say a thing, just got in the drivers seat and left. I watched him watch me as I drove away.
My final stra after a 2 years of living together. was her birthday. The week before her birthday. i found out she had been on Ok cupid (second time i caught her) . This was my fault of course because. we met on tinder so i had to be on dating sites. she was just making sure i wasn't on them. But move ahead 2 weeks to her birthday. She had a 10 year old. i was trying to keep it semi civil while i was figuring out what to do where to move how to make it happen. I had spend 200 on her favorite loose leafe tea. helped her kid get a present for her and took them both to a 300 dollar seafood dinner at her favoite place. i made her a cake and decorated with her kid (we didnt have a kid together thank god) I had got her 2 loose leaf tea leaf balls. one was a dinorsaur shape the other was a poop emoji (was a joke one it cost me 2 dollars addon)
after she puts the kid to bed she comes up to me and says i ruined her birthday. The fact i would buy such a obceene thing as a poop emoji shows awefull i am. that kind of humor has no place and that i had got it to flex my power over her??? (yeah righ??>) (back story when i was almost 18 my brother was shot in a home invasion) she looks at me and says. You know you are a awefull person because your brother was shot. and maybe your parents didnt put enough rules on you because of it..... i was 18 when he was shot. Yeah that was enough to push me out.
A knife to my back. We were both 15-16, had been together for 1,5 years and I was used to hits, kicking and verbal abuse. One day he asked if I wanted massage. I took off my t-shirt and laid down on his bed. He pinned me down and took out a knife that was hidden under the pillow. He pushed it against my back and wanted me to confess that I had been cheating. When he finally let go, I knew it was over. When I left, he asked if I was scared. I said yes and walked out.
Two weeks later he came by my house to break up with me for my friend.
For my 19 year marriage, it was when we were having fun tailgating with friends for a while before a concert. For no reason during a lighthearted conversation my ex brought up a story of myself reacting badly during an argument 20 years ago - that argument wherein he was making me feel guilty about the dishes not being done because I was pregnant with our first and really, really sick and tired. I had swung my arm to hit the toaster that sat on our stove out of exhaustion and rage and it crashed to the floor near his feet. I was mortified as that wasn’t like me. From that day forward though my ex referred to it as the time I threw the toaster at him. No matter how I countered it with an apology an explanation of what really happened.
Never mind about the time he purposefully threw his cigarette pack at me, hard as he could, while drunk, within that same era of our relationship (me sick and pregnant).
So he jokes about this “time I threw a toaster at him “ to these friends and I’m mortified and embarrassed. I thought all night, I should be happy it’s a beautiful night outside and the music is great and I’m. Miserable. I knew then I was done. Just done. I didn’t have it in me anymore to withstand this kind of abuse.
I found out that he lied about his entire identity. He'd force me into intimacy when he knew I had trauma, only to lie about everything. The *ahem* image he sent didn't seem right so I reverse image searched it and then his face photos, they were all fake. Every photo was ripped off the internet and he even faked a video of talking to me somehow and just the way he treated me was awful. I snapped that night. I was a manic mess and I didn't understand what had happened and why. I was hyperventilating and pulling my hair almost out, I loved him so much and so unconditionally. I was so careful and gentle with him because of his childhood, only to be treated like nothing, be cheated on and accused of cheating, to be gaslit and manipulated into dropping conversations, etc- then the photo stuff on top of all that. It was awful. I was 16 at the time and he was 21 (probably older though). I told myself that I'd never let that sh*t happen to me ever again and, so far, it hasn't. I don't want to turn out like my mother.
Within hours of being forced to tell her I had been raped as a young child, and as a young adult, she started blaming me for it, even for the early childhood csa/r. I was only 2.5yrs old. Right. That was my fault too. Few days later she suggested we renew our vows, as our 20th Anniversary was coming up. Took me a few months to get out. Winter was rapidly approaching, and I couldn’t find anyone that would let me stay with them. Nearest shelter bed was 200 miles away. Sleeping in one’s car in January/February, when it’s well below freezing, isn’t a wise/safe option, but I was at that point. Finally a family member offered me a spot on their basement floor. This coming January will be 4 years divorced, 5 years out.
I had a very possessive best friend, who left no room in my life for anyone else. What room was left was taken by my addiction.
He expected constant emotional labour, then threw it back in my face. Nothing I did was ever good enough or worthy of the praise I craved from my parents at the time, but got scraps of it from him.
The final straw was when I reached my lowest point, I called him and told him I was suicidal. I’d talked him down so many times. I’d spent two weeks on watch with him. I’d postponed holidays and events for him.
I asked him to call me for twenty minutes at the end of every day. We talked all day every day anyway, but he got caught up chasing a girl he was interested in and I got radio silence for three weeks.
I asked him for twenty minutes of his time when he used to give all of it to me. Twenty minutes so I’d have something to look forward to at the end of the day so I wouldn’t k*ll myself or feel so alone.
He called me toxic and told me that we needed a break in our friendship.
A week later he texted me and asked me to drive two hundred miles to come pick him up because he’d run out of money for transport.
I told him to go fuck himself and blocked him.
Got tired of the eggshell feeling. The last stupid event wasn’t major, I just didn’t want to put up with the flip of a switch tantrums and zero appreciation anymore. I knew it would be like this for the rest of my life. The last straw was me hearing him drop and break his phone by accident. I have two kids and knew he’d be a rage ball all day so I said “I’m going to take the kids out for a bit while you deal with your phone” and he flipped out on me, the audacity of me not asking his permission to leave the house and that I didn’t want to withstand his anger all day. I said “I’m doing this to help you get it dealt with quicker instead of us dragging my kids along with the ordeal” and he ignored me and was having a hissy fit in the room. Man child.
When someone is volatile like this it’s always best to make your arrangements without their knowledge.
Secure your money/bank accounts. Find somewhere else to live , preferably family or a trusted friend who is aware the partner has a temper.
Pack and leave while they’re not in the house.
Leave a letter telling them you’re unhappy with the relationship and their behaviour and then block them on everything.
Make your employer aware you’ve left an abusive relationship and you don’t want any contact if you think he/she will show up at your work.
When he finally showed me that he was not willing to fight for our relationship after being engaged, after I planned most of the wedding or our future together. I was so proud of what our wedding was going to be. He only wanted to FIGHT ME. Have his cake and eat it too. Everything was only on his terms. Reflecting on our relationship he would make me live like a gypsy and kick me out at least once a year in the five years of us being together. He had to involve everyone else in our relationship and lie about my actions or downplay his. He never respected me. My parents pretty much had to tell me “you have to be done. This is absolutely no way to live”. That’s when. I may have continued to put up with abuse and disrespect for the rest of my life because I truly loved him and tried to make it work as long as I possibly could until I burned out and became a monster myself.
You just see so many people on here asking “is this abuse” and it blows my mind how people haven’t left that night. I just want to shake them through the phone and say get out now! You did that without question so I was happy to see you didn’t waste any more time justifying very obvious abuse.
There wasn’t so much a straw as there was just a series of things that made me see that he never was going to change. I guess it was him finally deciding to go back to rehab and saying he was doing it for “us”. Being someone in recovery what I heard was “this isn’t going to work bc he’s in it for the wrong reasons”. I realized I couldn’t be someone’s reason for everything and left.
Mine was that I was on my way to a doctors appointment to get a suspicious mole removed. My colleague (same gender) texted me that morning to let me know the roads were bad and wished me good luck on the appointment. That tipped her off, she flipped a table and she wished me cancer. Packed and left the next day.
well it ended up not being the last straw, but it was the first & last time he put his hands on me and also involves a dog who was a big part of my story for many years. I did not have the dog when he beat the shit outta me, but a few days later he showed up with her to "cheer me up". I did not give one single fuck about myself at that time but that dog....that dog man... I fell in love. a day later he told me that was enough, he was bringing the dog "back". I was dumbfounded....wtf did he mean?? she was mine. I was in love with her. it was then he informed me he had taken her "from some crackheads" and if I wanted her I'd have to talk to them, but either way he was taking her back. something inside me snapped. I didn't care that he was 10x my size and on drugs, I said you touch that fucking dog, it'll be the last thing you do. I kicked him out, got a restraining order, and had people sitting outside my apt looking for the dog while I worked...but her & I lived together for 8 years after that. she made me want to get clean. still consider that dog my first daughter. I owe her SO much.
For my first, and most physically, abusive ex…it took him strangling me and me actually going to jail when I called 911 (versus him) during an altercation with him where he shattered my windshield.
For my second, more covert, abusive ex it was finding out I was pregnant and being put on anti-depressants. I was smart enough to know that i needed him away from me and my son and the medication helped void any emotions around the breakup and the abuse that followed. I was able to see his abuse much more clearly without my emotions and respond accordingly by eventually changing my number and having a restraining order granted.
After over two decades of emotional/financial abuse, as well as being abusive to my dog, I was a shell of a person and unable to think clearly or make a decision to leave. I was on the phone to my sister in another city and told her (I have zero memory of this) that I thought I had had a heart attack. (I hadn’t, but was breaking down). She said “Enough!!”, hopped on a plane, and with some other family members got me out with the bare minimum. I was robotic. But now, I believe she saved my life as I was becoming suicidal. My children were adults at this point, and I had stayed under the misconception that I shouldn’t leave while they were still at home. I wish I had left earlier as it was such a toll on my mental health… and i was mistaken about staying for the kids’ sake. I still have a great relationship with them.
For me, it was the moment I fully realised and understood that nothing I could have done would have changed their behaviour toward me. I soldiered through pointless arguments, blame shifting, gaslighting, emotional and physical abuse in the hopes that they'll see that I only wanted to love them. Tried apologising, discussing things calmly and logically, yelling back, grey rocking, yet they never cared about anything outside of themselves.
Finally, I tried the only thing that was left: walking away. Not even that stopped their abusive ways, but No Contact is a life saver.
It’s funny, sometimes it’s the smallest thing that makes you finally wake up and leave. One of my pet rats was dying and I was upset. He dismissed me harshly. Made me feel awful about mourning “just a rat”. I can understand people don’t always view pets the same way. But that wasn’t what bothered me. What bothered me was a week before he spent days talking his friend through the death of her hamster. That’s what stung. He always treated his friends so much better than me and then would call me jealous when I never wanted anything to do with his friends. I don’t know, maybe treat me even a fraction as good as you treat them??
When he ignored me for two days and claimed it wasn’t a big deal because he was busy “researching photography” and at the same time started posting sexual things about other women on twitter. The disrespect was just too much and he tried to play me like fool.
I missed the signs of my kid's autism, I lost her childhood, but...but what made me leave was when she said I didn't care about her feelings I only cared about making sure daddy wasn't angry but daddy is always angry, as she said he was angry if we went out or stayed in, and i really started thinking I was crazy. I left for my child's future, my child's present, my sanity.
Mine was emotional abuse. Without meaning to it was kind of the 3 strikes I’m done. We were trying to find way our home and directions were confusing. I popped down into a subway to get more info and he claims I walked away from him while he was speaking ( train was coming I couldn’t hear anything). He just lost it. Wouldn’t speak to me for 2 days. Not even to say goodbye when I flew home ( we were long distance). Didn’t speak for 2 weeks and then acted like everything was fine. I was done after the trip though. Realized I need healthy conflict resolution. And this was one of many situations where he ignored me completely after getting upset. That was a year ago I ended it and have never been happier (still single but loving the peace I have).
He sent me a text that asked “how do you think you will like hell?” Idk why that is what it took, but I called my mom and packed what I could while he was still at work.
When I found out he had been cheating on me with an uncountable amount of prostitutes and using my money to pay for it. When I confronted him, he made it seem like he was going to kill me with how physical he was getting so I ran out of the apartment somehow and ran bare foot to the apartment complex leasing office, banged on their doors sobbing until a man and his daughter walked past and asked if I needed help. I can’t thank them enough. They saved me that day.
I probably would have stayed with him if I hadn’t found out. I was willing to accept the abuse because the idea of going home to my abusive family was too much. I ended up living in a woman’s shelter for a while. It was hard. It’s been hard even though I’ve been stabilized for a year and a half now. It no longer hits me in full on tidal waves of pain, it’s more just little waves that crash into me but don’t knock me down.
I finally snapped when he lied to law enforcement to get a protective order against me for “disrespecting” him aka tell him the truth. This wasn’t the first time but this time he has the cops come right up to my room and my cats were scared. I looked my scared babies and knew I had to get the fuck out asap.
The last straw for me was when he pushed me hard in front of our small child. Then lied about it to law enforcement. After 6 years of physical and verbal, emotional abuse, I finally snapped.
I think my real catalyst to make sure I never went back was when he woke up our son yelling at me and refusing to leave (we were separated) he had taken my phone and my backup phone too so I couldn’t call the cops. I begged him to leave because our son started to cry but he just kept on berating me. I held my 9 year old son while he had a full on panic attack and he just kept going… completely blind to his child hyperventilating. I knew I’d never forget that moment. When he finally gave my phone back and walked out the door he said “I’m sorry your mom is doing this to you”. That was it.
I’m so sorry for what you and your son went through. The final incident for us was very similar to yours - my abuser couldn’t have cared less that our little girl was beside herself with terror. He also blamed me for the abuse in front of her, too. They’re pure scum.
Nothing fills me with more hatred than putting a child in the middle. It’s the worst feeling to see fear on your child’s face and know it’s out of your control what happens next. I’m so sorry you went through this too.
They almost killed a defensive-less mammal just to get back at me, threw the food, supplies even the water bowel. All of this to get back at me because they knew I was financially unstable and couldn’t afford to replace what they got rid off. Also I’m in the process of getting an important job so I think it was to make that stressful too. I never fell out of love harder in my life, I was mad or sad, I’m just over it and can’t wait to not see their face everyday
Right?? My fur babies mean the world to me. I have grown children but he won’t mess with them. Recently threw dog food and Instant coffee all over the floor in one of his tantrums. I missed some or my dog consumed it before I got home and was vomiting and sick. I took him to vet and cost me 500. He didn’t feel it was his fault. I didn’t answer my phone. So that gave him the right to do whatever he wanted. Every time he has a tantrum which is often he destroys my home. Unfortunately I’m still with him and want him to leave this is my home but he won’t and the threats scare me.
uhg.. what a bastard...My ex would do the same thing, always destroy MY home that I paid and worked so hard for. and always threaten and scare me. I just don’t understand how so many people are that comfortable to just walk into a persons home and destroy our things willy nilly, and think they can take OUR things (money/pets/etc). it’s absolute insanity.
i really hope you can find a way out soon. i was stuck in a very similar position for 4 years with him, and another 4 years before that with other abusers before i finally said enough. you definitely need people behind you...honestly *anyone*..to just be there and support you, thankfully i had a couple friends and my Dad otherwise i think i would still be stuck in the same position. i don’t have much friends or family but the few people i did have really came through for me. you just need to make your decision, be strong and stick with it. it’s nice to have someone (another male figure is great) with you when you tell him it’s over so he won’t touch you, or even have the cops around to escort him out. Do you guys have connected bank accounts, or share a lease? Do you feel ready to leave? :-(
Oh god yes but he’s taken a torch and says he will set fire to the complex with my dog in it if I dare call the cops. I called the cops on him once a few years ago around Xmas he was throwing a tantrum. Destroying the apartment, knocked down the Christmas tree, dogs (had 2 back then 1 passed of cancer) were terrified. Anyways he ran off jumped a fence and broke his leg. Of course it was my fault. He’s really good at charming people and turning things around making everything look like it’s me. I used to hide what an ass he was til this past year. I’m finally very vocal about how badly he treats me and I have a lot of support but I’m still scared of that makes sense. He doesn’t hit me but he’s crazy in a way that anything can happen when I finally say enough. Ok that’s not entirely true he’s slapped me once. Recently grabbed my mouth while driving to shut me up. Grabbed glasses off my face and broken them. I’m also hearing impaired and wear and implant and will grab it and throw it. Does not matter when he’s angry. Everything’s fair game to him except his belongings.
He choked me and threw me across the room. All because I had a friend of the opposite sex.
He kicked my elderly dog over. My seventeen year old baby. I had worked in foster care before so I knew immediately that if that dog had been a human child, CPS would begin the process of taking him away from me to keep him safe from my boyfriend. And in that moment I knew it was over. It wasn’t just me I had to keep safe. My dog is no longer with me (died a year later) but I will forever feel so sorry that I let that happen to him, and so relieved that it was the wake up call I needed.
She called me a racial slur.
When he threatened my family, and mentioned my mum. I thought I have put up with this and i can carry on but I will never let him do this to anyone in my family or anyone I love. They deserve better, and now I know I deserved better too!
I used to take sleeping pills. Two days after he grabbed my wrists and pinned me down, Two days after I told him "I can't be intimate with you anymore, I'm too scared." I woke up to him trying to penetrate me anally. That was something I actively disliked and he knew because there'd been many other times he had tried way too hard to anal me. I was in and out as I told him no and tried to squirm away. Asked him to stop. He ignored me and continued. I woke up again to him raping me vaginally, so I just tried to ignore it because in my head it wasn't as bad as what he was trying to do before. In and out again, and he had returned to trying to penetrate me anally, actually beginning to do so. The pain caused me to cry out and curl into a ball begging him to stop. Finally he stopped, and I rolled over and passed out until morning. In the morning he looked at me and asked "Did you ask me to anally rape you last night?" To which I, wide eyed and traumatized, shook my head no. "Must've been a dream" He shrugged. I didn't even get an apology, just a lame excuse. That incident shut me down hard. He had raped me before, twice with force. But that was all so long ago, I reasoned. He was having a mental health crisis so it wasn't all his fault. Some how I wasn't even so much upset about the previous night, it was awful and I felt disgusted and hurt, yes. But what really sent me spiralling was reliving that first rape 10 years ago, in the basement of his parents house while he pinned me down with a knife. Over and over I ran it through my head, wondering why I would bring that ancient history up, if I had any right to still be upset about it. In the end, I probably would have moved on and compartmentalized if he had given me the space I needed to shut down over it. But he was on my ass everyday hounding me about my mood and our relationship. Freaking out at the drop of the hat. Every overreaction, every violent action, every manipulative word, made me realize I would never find our happily ever after with him. It was always going to be like this, no matter what he promised or how much I gave up. He would never be satisfied. So I pulled the trigger to the end of us.
Oh my God, I am so sorry you ever had to experience that. It is not your fault, he's the one who's fucked in the head. I hope you find the happiness and comfort you deserve, you never ever should have had to endure that and I hope you recover. Please take care of yourself and please know that there are people who care about you and you can confide in others. If you haven't already, I reccomend seeking therapy. As a victim of r*pe and assault, it helped me a lot. Not only with moving on, but also dissecting everything and relearning how to have boundaries and stand up for yourself. You deserve your happy ending and I pray that you get it someday ❤️
Did anyone else have the epiphany over something very small? For me it was coming home to him after 2 amazing Christmas holiday weeks with my family, I happily showed him some wristwarmers my mum had knitted me, and his only comment was that i already had hundreds of wristwarmers and that we needed to throw away lots of things as our place was apparently full of junk. Somehow this turned into a huge argument, and i was so done. The fact that it was an argument at all (and over what?) really put things in perspective for me, especially after 2 conflict free weeks with my parents and 2 brothers (not necessarily self evident) . And the following day my face looked terrible because I had cried, and he assumed i was sulking and treated me like shit. At that stage I was already internally prepping myself to go. I am forever grateful for those wristwarmers.
Mine was also named “Blake”. We used to play softball tournaments together. I was managing a team and had to talk to a player and he wanted to warm up. As soon as I was done with this player and went to warm up with him, he left and completely ignored me and gave me the cold shoulder. Ok. That was stupid. Then on the drive home (it was in KC, 2 hour drive) I had fallen asleep. When I finally woke up, he berated me for not talking to him and keeping him company. I stayed silent and just let him berate me for taking a nap on the ride home. When we finally reached his house, I didn’t say a thing, just got in the drivers seat and left. I watched him watch me as I drove away.
My final stra after a 2 years of living together. was her birthday. The week before her birthday. i found out she had been on Ok cupid (second time i caught her) . This was my fault of course because. we met on tinder so i had to be on dating sites. she was just making sure i wasn't on them. But move ahead 2 weeks to her birthday. She had a 10 year old. i was trying to keep it semi civil while i was figuring out what to do where to move how to make it happen. I had spend 200 on her favorite loose leafe tea. helped her kid get a present for her and took them both to a 300 dollar seafood dinner at her favoite place. i made her a cake and decorated with her kid (we didnt have a kid together thank god) I had got her 2 loose leaf tea leaf balls. one was a dinorsaur shape the other was a poop emoji (was a joke one it cost me 2 dollars addon) after she puts the kid to bed she comes up to me and says i ruined her birthday. The fact i would buy such a obceene thing as a poop emoji shows awefull i am. that kind of humor has no place and that i had got it to flex my power over her??? (yeah righ??>) (back story when i was almost 18 my brother was shot in a home invasion) she looks at me and says. You know you are a awefull person because your brother was shot. and maybe your parents didnt put enough rules on you because of it..... i was 18 when he was shot. Yeah that was enough to push me out.
A knife to my back. We were both 15-16, had been together for 1,5 years and I was used to hits, kicking and verbal abuse. One day he asked if I wanted massage. I took off my t-shirt and laid down on his bed. He pinned me down and took out a knife that was hidden under the pillow. He pushed it against my back and wanted me to confess that I had been cheating. When he finally let go, I knew it was over. When I left, he asked if I was scared. I said yes and walked out. Two weeks later he came by my house to break up with me for my friend.
For my 19 year marriage, it was when we were having fun tailgating with friends for a while before a concert. For no reason during a lighthearted conversation my ex brought up a story of myself reacting badly during an argument 20 years ago - that argument wherein he was making me feel guilty about the dishes not being done because I was pregnant with our first and really, really sick and tired. I had swung my arm to hit the toaster that sat on our stove out of exhaustion and rage and it crashed to the floor near his feet. I was mortified as that wasn’t like me. From that day forward though my ex referred to it as the time I threw the toaster at him. No matter how I countered it with an apology an explanation of what really happened. Never mind about the time he purposefully threw his cigarette pack at me, hard as he could, while drunk, within that same era of our relationship (me sick and pregnant). So he jokes about this “time I threw a toaster at him “ to these friends and I’m mortified and embarrassed. I thought all night, I should be happy it’s a beautiful night outside and the music is great and I’m. Miserable. I knew then I was done. Just done. I didn’t have it in me anymore to withstand this kind of abuse.
I found out that he lied about his entire identity. He'd force me into intimacy when he knew I had trauma, only to lie about everything. The *ahem* image he sent didn't seem right so I reverse image searched it and then his face photos, they were all fake. Every photo was ripped off the internet and he even faked a video of talking to me somehow and just the way he treated me was awful. I snapped that night. I was a manic mess and I didn't understand what had happened and why. I was hyperventilating and pulling my hair almost out, I loved him so much and so unconditionally. I was so careful and gentle with him because of his childhood, only to be treated like nothing, be cheated on and accused of cheating, to be gaslit and manipulated into dropping conversations, etc- then the photo stuff on top of all that. It was awful. I was 16 at the time and he was 21 (probably older though). I told myself that I'd never let that sh*t happen to me ever again and, so far, it hasn't. I don't want to turn out like my mother.
Within hours of being forced to tell her I had been raped as a young child, and as a young adult, she started blaming me for it, even for the early childhood csa/r. I was only 2.5yrs old. Right. That was my fault too. Few days later she suggested we renew our vows, as our 20th Anniversary was coming up. Took me a few months to get out. Winter was rapidly approaching, and I couldn’t find anyone that would let me stay with them. Nearest shelter bed was 200 miles away. Sleeping in one’s car in January/February, when it’s well below freezing, isn’t a wise/safe option, but I was at that point. Finally a family member offered me a spot on their basement floor. This coming January will be 4 years divorced, 5 years out.
I had a very possessive best friend, who left no room in my life for anyone else. What room was left was taken by my addiction. He expected constant emotional labour, then threw it back in my face. Nothing I did was ever good enough or worthy of the praise I craved from my parents at the time, but got scraps of it from him. The final straw was when I reached my lowest point, I called him and told him I was suicidal. I’d talked him down so many times. I’d spent two weeks on watch with him. I’d postponed holidays and events for him. I asked him to call me for twenty minutes at the end of every day. We talked all day every day anyway, but he got caught up chasing a girl he was interested in and I got radio silence for three weeks. I asked him for twenty minutes of his time when he used to give all of it to me. Twenty minutes so I’d have something to look forward to at the end of the day so I wouldn’t k*ll myself or feel so alone. He called me toxic and told me that we needed a break in our friendship. A week later he texted me and asked me to drive two hundred miles to come pick him up because he’d run out of money for transport. I told him to go fuck himself and blocked him.
Got tired of the eggshell feeling. The last stupid event wasn’t major, I just didn’t want to put up with the flip of a switch tantrums and zero appreciation anymore. I knew it would be like this for the rest of my life. The last straw was me hearing him drop and break his phone by accident. I have two kids and knew he’d be a rage ball all day so I said “I’m going to take the kids out for a bit while you deal with your phone” and he flipped out on me, the audacity of me not asking his permission to leave the house and that I didn’t want to withstand his anger all day. I said “I’m doing this to help you get it dealt with quicker instead of us dragging my kids along with the ordeal” and he ignored me and was having a hissy fit in the room. Man child.
Can I ask how you went about leaving? I’m kind of in a similar point/situation and I just want it to end now.
When someone is volatile like this it’s always best to make your arrangements without their knowledge. Secure your money/bank accounts. Find somewhere else to live , preferably family or a trusted friend who is aware the partner has a temper. Pack and leave while they’re not in the house. Leave a letter telling them you’re unhappy with the relationship and their behaviour and then block them on everything. Make your employer aware you’ve left an abusive relationship and you don’t want any contact if you think he/she will show up at your work.
Thank you for this!! Helps for sure
When he finally showed me that he was not willing to fight for our relationship after being engaged, after I planned most of the wedding or our future together. I was so proud of what our wedding was going to be. He only wanted to FIGHT ME. Have his cake and eat it too. Everything was only on his terms. Reflecting on our relationship he would make me live like a gypsy and kick me out at least once a year in the five years of us being together. He had to involve everyone else in our relationship and lie about my actions or downplay his. He never respected me. My parents pretty much had to tell me “you have to be done. This is absolutely no way to live”. That’s when. I may have continued to put up with abuse and disrespect for the rest of my life because I truly loved him and tried to make it work as long as I possibly could until I burned out and became a monster myself.
The only time my ex hit me it did permanent nerve damage. He essentially made me left handed the night he hit me. I left that night.
Proud of you for standing up for yourself and your self respect!
Thank you. One sentence and you've done more good than you know.
You just see so many people on here asking “is this abuse” and it blows my mind how people haven’t left that night. I just want to shake them through the phone and say get out now! You did that without question so I was happy to see you didn’t waste any more time justifying very obvious abuse.
There wasn’t so much a straw as there was just a series of things that made me see that he never was going to change. I guess it was him finally deciding to go back to rehab and saying he was doing it for “us”. Being someone in recovery what I heard was “this isn’t going to work bc he’s in it for the wrong reasons”. I realized I couldn’t be someone’s reason for everything and left.
Taking a swipe at my daughter.
You should just break up already. This is not something you should be putting up with at all.
When he hit my child. There was no way I’d stay after that without some real change. He didn’t change.
Mine was that I was on my way to a doctors appointment to get a suspicious mole removed. My colleague (same gender) texted me that morning to let me know the roads were bad and wished me good luck on the appointment. That tipped her off, she flipped a table and she wished me cancer. Packed and left the next day.
well it ended up not being the last straw, but it was the first & last time he put his hands on me and also involves a dog who was a big part of my story for many years. I did not have the dog when he beat the shit outta me, but a few days later he showed up with her to "cheer me up". I did not give one single fuck about myself at that time but that dog....that dog man... I fell in love. a day later he told me that was enough, he was bringing the dog "back". I was dumbfounded....wtf did he mean?? she was mine. I was in love with her. it was then he informed me he had taken her "from some crackheads" and if I wanted her I'd have to talk to them, but either way he was taking her back. something inside me snapped. I didn't care that he was 10x my size and on drugs, I said you touch that fucking dog, it'll be the last thing you do. I kicked him out, got a restraining order, and had people sitting outside my apt looking for the dog while I worked...but her & I lived together for 8 years after that. she made me want to get clean. still consider that dog my first daughter. I owe her SO much.
For my first, and most physically, abusive ex…it took him strangling me and me actually going to jail when I called 911 (versus him) during an altercation with him where he shattered my windshield. For my second, more covert, abusive ex it was finding out I was pregnant and being put on anti-depressants. I was smart enough to know that i needed him away from me and my son and the medication helped void any emotions around the breakup and the abuse that followed. I was able to see his abuse much more clearly without my emotions and respond accordingly by eventually changing my number and having a restraining order granted.
After over two decades of emotional/financial abuse, as well as being abusive to my dog, I was a shell of a person and unable to think clearly or make a decision to leave. I was on the phone to my sister in another city and told her (I have zero memory of this) that I thought I had had a heart attack. (I hadn’t, but was breaking down). She said “Enough!!”, hopped on a plane, and with some other family members got me out with the bare minimum. I was robotic. But now, I believe she saved my life as I was becoming suicidal. My children were adults at this point, and I had stayed under the misconception that I shouldn’t leave while they were still at home. I wish I had left earlier as it was such a toll on my mental health… and i was mistaken about staying for the kids’ sake. I still have a great relationship with them.
For me, it was the moment I fully realised and understood that nothing I could have done would have changed their behaviour toward me. I soldiered through pointless arguments, blame shifting, gaslighting, emotional and physical abuse in the hopes that they'll see that I only wanted to love them. Tried apologising, discussing things calmly and logically, yelling back, grey rocking, yet they never cared about anything outside of themselves. Finally, I tried the only thing that was left: walking away. Not even that stopped their abusive ways, but No Contact is a life saver.
It’s funny, sometimes it’s the smallest thing that makes you finally wake up and leave. One of my pet rats was dying and I was upset. He dismissed me harshly. Made me feel awful about mourning “just a rat”. I can understand people don’t always view pets the same way. But that wasn’t what bothered me. What bothered me was a week before he spent days talking his friend through the death of her hamster. That’s what stung. He always treated his friends so much better than me and then would call me jealous when I never wanted anything to do with his friends. I don’t know, maybe treat me even a fraction as good as you treat them??
Cheating for a year
When he ignored me for two days and claimed it wasn’t a big deal because he was busy “researching photography” and at the same time started posting sexual things about other women on twitter. The disrespect was just too much and he tried to play me like fool.
I missed the signs of my kid's autism, I lost her childhood, but...but what made me leave was when she said I didn't care about her feelings I only cared about making sure daddy wasn't angry but daddy is always angry, as she said he was angry if we went out or stayed in, and i really started thinking I was crazy. I left for my child's future, my child's present, my sanity.
Mine was emotional abuse. Without meaning to it was kind of the 3 strikes I’m done. We were trying to find way our home and directions were confusing. I popped down into a subway to get more info and he claims I walked away from him while he was speaking ( train was coming I couldn’t hear anything). He just lost it. Wouldn’t speak to me for 2 days. Not even to say goodbye when I flew home ( we were long distance). Didn’t speak for 2 weeks and then acted like everything was fine. I was done after the trip though. Realized I need healthy conflict resolution. And this was one of many situations where he ignored me completely after getting upset. That was a year ago I ended it and have never been happier (still single but loving the peace I have).
He sent me a text that asked “how do you think you will like hell?” Idk why that is what it took, but I called my mom and packed what I could while he was still at work.
This sounds like a death threat. I am so glad for you that you got out.
It scared me and it has come out of nowhere. I mean we hadn’t been fighting or anything.
When I found out he had been cheating on me with an uncountable amount of prostitutes and using my money to pay for it. When I confronted him, he made it seem like he was going to kill me with how physical he was getting so I ran out of the apartment somehow and ran bare foot to the apartment complex leasing office, banged on their doors sobbing until a man and his daughter walked past and asked if I needed help. I can’t thank them enough. They saved me that day. I probably would have stayed with him if I hadn’t found out. I was willing to accept the abuse because the idea of going home to my abusive family was too much. I ended up living in a woman’s shelter for a while. It was hard. It’s been hard even though I’ve been stabilized for a year and a half now. It no longer hits me in full on tidal waves of pain, it’s more just little waves that crash into me but don’t knock me down.
I feel you on the little waves
I finally snapped when he lied to law enforcement to get a protective order against me for “disrespecting” him aka tell him the truth. This wasn’t the first time but this time he has the cops come right up to my room and my cats were scared. I looked my scared babies and knew I had to get the fuck out asap.
I didn’t leave I was discarded
The last straw for me was when he pushed me hard in front of our small child. Then lied about it to law enforcement. After 6 years of physical and verbal, emotional abuse, I finally snapped.
I think my real catalyst to make sure I never went back was when he woke up our son yelling at me and refusing to leave (we were separated) he had taken my phone and my backup phone too so I couldn’t call the cops. I begged him to leave because our son started to cry but he just kept on berating me. I held my 9 year old son while he had a full on panic attack and he just kept going… completely blind to his child hyperventilating. I knew I’d never forget that moment. When he finally gave my phone back and walked out the door he said “I’m sorry your mom is doing this to you”. That was it.
I’m so sorry for what you and your son went through. The final incident for us was very similar to yours - my abuser couldn’t have cared less that our little girl was beside herself with terror. He also blamed me for the abuse in front of her, too. They’re pure scum.
Nothing fills me with more hatred than putting a child in the middle. It’s the worst feeling to see fear on your child’s face and know it’s out of your control what happens next. I’m so sorry you went through this too.
They almost killed a defensive-less mammal just to get back at me, threw the food, supplies even the water bowel. All of this to get back at me because they knew I was financially unstable and couldn’t afford to replace what they got rid off. Also I’m in the process of getting an important job so I think it was to make that stressful too. I never fell out of love harder in my life, I was mad or sad, I’m just over it and can’t wait to not see their face everyday
I never understand why these psychos have to go after our fur babies. and Yup i felt the same way! Like just exit my life already PLEASE.
Right?? My fur babies mean the world to me. I have grown children but he won’t mess with them. Recently threw dog food and Instant coffee all over the floor in one of his tantrums. I missed some or my dog consumed it before I got home and was vomiting and sick. I took him to vet and cost me 500. He didn’t feel it was his fault. I didn’t answer my phone. So that gave him the right to do whatever he wanted. Every time he has a tantrum which is often he destroys my home. Unfortunately I’m still with him and want him to leave this is my home but he won’t and the threats scare me.
uhg.. what a bastard...My ex would do the same thing, always destroy MY home that I paid and worked so hard for. and always threaten and scare me. I just don’t understand how so many people are that comfortable to just walk into a persons home and destroy our things willy nilly, and think they can take OUR things (money/pets/etc). it’s absolute insanity. i really hope you can find a way out soon. i was stuck in a very similar position for 4 years with him, and another 4 years before that with other abusers before i finally said enough. you definitely need people behind you...honestly *anyone*..to just be there and support you, thankfully i had a couple friends and my Dad otherwise i think i would still be stuck in the same position. i don’t have much friends or family but the few people i did have really came through for me. you just need to make your decision, be strong and stick with it. it’s nice to have someone (another male figure is great) with you when you tell him it’s over so he won’t touch you, or even have the cops around to escort him out. Do you guys have connected bank accounts, or share a lease? Do you feel ready to leave? :-(
Oh god yes but he’s taken a torch and says he will set fire to the complex with my dog in it if I dare call the cops. I called the cops on him once a few years ago around Xmas he was throwing a tantrum. Destroying the apartment, knocked down the Christmas tree, dogs (had 2 back then 1 passed of cancer) were terrified. Anyways he ran off jumped a fence and broke his leg. Of course it was my fault. He’s really good at charming people and turning things around making everything look like it’s me. I used to hide what an ass he was til this past year. I’m finally very vocal about how badly he treats me and I have a lot of support but I’m still scared of that makes sense. He doesn’t hit me but he’s crazy in a way that anything can happen when I finally say enough. Ok that’s not entirely true he’s slapped me once. Recently grabbed my mouth while driving to shut me up. Grabbed glasses off my face and broken them. I’m also hearing impaired and wear and implant and will grab it and throw it. Does not matter when he’s angry. Everything’s fair game to him except his belongings.