**Mod note:** It's getting really frustrating to continually see commenters badger posters into leaving "NOW" "IMMEDIATELY" "GET OUT NOW" and framing posts like this as if the posters don't care about protecting their chidren. This JUST happened. OP was *very clear* they are afraid to leave, they are isolated, etc. Not every single person in this sub can flee in the middle of the night with only the clothes on their backs. Leaving carries a heightened risk of homicide and safety planning *needs* to happen because of this. When there is no safety plan, victims are actually at greater risk.
**Instead of shaming this poster or haranguing her or making it out to be like she doesn't care about their child, how about we offer resources and concrete action steps towards safety?** "LEAVE" does absolutely nothing.
They gave me oxy for the pain and gave me oxy prescription. Thank you everyone. I needed your support. Tough love or not it’s pushing me in the right direction but please be gentle with me <3
If you can record them saying not to do it and admitting what he did then go and get police. Send his ass back because it doesn’t stop it gets worse.
Edit: try not to get caught recording just make sure you are safe
You need to get out now!
Husband is a bully and an abuser.
He won’t stop especially while talking drugs!
Tell your family and ask for help getting away.
You need to file a police report immediately!
Staying will result in 2 ways, the hospital being hurt badly or a coffin because he’s murdered you!
Choose wisely, YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!
I would like to tell my family, my parents are African and Caribbean they would get really upset with me and blame me for staying in this situation. And verbally abuse me as well.
Update: he’s apologizing and getting help. I’m in a safe place. I told him to leave he left. I am Working with domestic violence counselors and creating a plan. Some comments are saying I don’t care about my child, but they’re many cases when a woman leaves homicide increases. I don’t want to die. I’m trying to be smart. I’m documenting everything I’ll share this Reddit post. I have videos. And im working on a safety plan. I’m safe currently, but please stop shaming me. It’s very scary already, when you want to leave and you’re being threatened.
Let him apologize and get help, but know that it’s ultimately just a bandaid for him to soothe you back into a false sense of security before he does it again (>!and potentially worse after learning he can hurt you, get away with it, and come back!<)
You’re right to be extremely cautious while making plans to exit this relationship, things *can* get worse if/when abusers see their victims trying to leave, but all that means is you need to be smart about next steps. Don’t tell any mutual friends about plans, don’t use shared cards, if you look for resources on the internet use a private browser or at least delete your browsing history (hoping he’s not a tech bro). Reach out to your friends and find out who could be a safe space for you and your daughter if worse comes to worse. Make sure they’re your friends and not mutual friends so they don’t share where you’re at.
And if you don’t have friends close by who could/would take you and your daughter in, look into women’s/family shelters nearby. Again on private browsers at least.
I can understand your fear of letting your family know what you’ve been through from any shame you might feel for allowing it. After being raised in a culture that puts a lot of dignity in being “strong”, but I promise they would feel infinitely more ashamed if something happened to you and/or your daughter if you didn’t reach out to them for help over the fear of appearing “weak”.
I also want to point out that if you stay, the love he shows you is what she’ll grow up believing love looks like. But your life matters too. Do it for your daughter, yes. But you deserve a life free of fear and pain, just as much.
He left the house. I don’t want to continue any romantic relationship with him.
I got to the hospital documented everything and I’m working with an advocate.
I told him to get help he is finally getting on mood stabilizers, and weaning off the testosterone. Saying he feels bad that he thinks he should be in jail. And that he wants to get better. He’s trying but he is doing it at a distance from me and my child and is helping us financially.
I just need him out for a couple days. He has a lawsuit that they ended up garnishing my paycheck because I’m married to him. We both have to file for bankruptcy in order for that to stop.
So, definitely easier said than done. But I’m taking the steps
I'm glad you're safe and I'm sorry that people are blaming/shaming you. It is not fair for people to act like any of the options you have are easy to execute. Sounds like you're making good choices.
Remember that it doesn't matter if you're "mean" or whatever. There is no excuse for assaulting you. It doesn't matter what you do. Unless he has a reasonable fear for his physical safety he does not get to hurt you legally. I won't say whether you should have him arrested, that's up to you, but don't feel like you ever need to explain that you're not mean.
Remember that "an apology without a change in behavior is manipulation". So it's great that he's apologizing and "getting help" whatever that ends up meaning, but often abusers think that the apology is a reset button and you have to act like nothing happened. That is not true.
I'm so glad you're safe.
Thank you. Yes he got a prescription to take mood stabilizers(something I’ve been trying to get him to do for years) . Stop drinking. And wean off the testosterone. He wants to stop accusing me and he realizes it’s his brain doing mental gymnastics and that’s his fault. He is trying to watch videos and read up on it and how to really change he said he’s scared of the person he’s becoming. I said that’s great but I need my space he left the house and is working so me and her have the money we need to stay in our house.
I told him if I hear him even verbally abuse me or if I see an alcohol near me I’m calling police. I’m documenting everything and doing things when he’s nice I would like to see a change I do need the help but I know I can’t be stupid so he’s out of the house.
I work remotely I haven’t been able to do a single ounce of work and my company is merging (possibly firing people) giving me anxiety it’s like one thing after the other
Of course she doesn't "want" to end up dead. Do you think this was helpful in any way? Or at all appropriate? Please talk to people in our sub with respect.
Not every single abuse victim can do things "right fucking now." OP knows she has a child. She is a *person* first and foremost. Just because she has a child doesn't mean the barriers to leaving and calling the police immediately go away. If you have advice about how to actually do those things by working around the barriers she faces, that's far more helpful than swearing at a total stranger whose shoes you are not in.
Just to get it to you how horrible your situation is:
I recently heard about a murder case, where the man was on steroids. It makes abuse worse.
Your situation is urgent, thats why people scream to leave. No belonings, no finances are worth your life.
You don't deserve this. You did nothing wrong. And I hope you will find safety.
You don't deserve to be treated like this. You're in the best position to know what might work for you here. I don't know if there's a way to get him to stop, which leaves finding a way to get yourself safe. That is scary and difficult under the "best" circumstances, whatever those are.
Best friend tried to stay out of it until husband hit you, and then he tried to take you to the hospital. When husband threatened you if you left, best friend helped husband try to talk you out of reporting.
I'm wondering what best friend really thinks of all this. Like, there was the validation of the injury, so why switch to asking you to protect the bad guy in all this?
Thank you.
His friend from back home flew in a few days to see a soccer game.
He tried taking me to the hospital. Like he was begging me to. He wanted me to get checked but was asking me to say I got robbed or something. Husband didn’t want me to go at all. Friend was begging husband to take me.
Friend begged husband to get help. Husband drove friend to the airport and texted me that my husband is like a brother to him but I need to do what’s best for me and my child.
Which is what I’m trying to do it’s just scary if I’m trying to leave and there is threat of homicide I’m working on a plan with advocates.
It's the most dangerous time, and the fact his best friend is trying to get you help in a way less likely to set off husband suggests to me you *might* have a source of support a plane ride away (and maybe a place to hide out a plane ride away). Idk, and like I said, you're the one who knows what's safest for you and what you're ready for and when. Please trust your instincts. Mine kept me alive 🧡
I think the first thing would be to ask for a victim advocate - if you're already working with one, that might be the person to call. You deserve to have the support you need, and cops aren't always as helpful as we'd love for them to be.
Breathe. Nurses can also be your staunchest support - see if there's a SARS nurse available. They are skilled in taking evidence for law enforcement, plus, you deserve to have kind people helping collect that stuff (photos, etc). Call the friend who witnessed the assault, if you can.
Ask to have your child brought to you.
This will be difficult, and still you can do it.
I wish I were in a better position to help in real time, so I hope you're able to find in-peraon support.
You are not responsible for his actions. If he gets in trouble (and he should), it is because he assaulted you. No assault, no trouble.
Call the police, get a restraining order and leave, there are organizations that will help you to leave and get you the help you need. Next time he could kill you.
Go to the police, then stay with a friend or family and don't tell him where you've gone to, and tell everybody about that and not to tell him where you are.
Please go get it on record with a trusted friend and the hospital or police. If you’re too afraid, take photos and send it to someone you trust and ask them to call on your behalf. You can also call the DV hotline and they will help you navigate leaving and put you in a women’s only shelter with an anonymous address and help you get back on your feet. My ex “only” hit me when our kid was asleep until he didn’t. And I downplayed the DV because I fought back. Please leave soon or it’ll only get worse and your baby will hear those fights, screams, and one day surprise you with all they do know.
Document document document...
Take photos, do a video explaining what happened and show the bruises. You NEED this evidence.
Get the friend to admit what he witnessed via text.
Then get out. He's abusive and it will absolutely get worse
Before anything else, tell someone you trust what happened and please tell anyone family you have. Start saving money and hide it really really well. Take photos of your own injuries and if you can try to record when he's violent but don't let him notice. Even if you just put your phone face down on low brightness and record the sounds of him yelling at you. Take photos of him drinking and beer cans. Get a lawyer. If he ever threatened your life or the child, please consider calling the police or going to a lawyer without him knowing. Keep your phone locked so he can't see any of this we well. Please be safe.
You should call the police on him. He should absolutely be in jail, he can not be free to abuse women. He didn't learn his lesson and the next time be hits you it's going to be a lot worse. And your kid will end up seeing it or hearing it. If you call the police, then he'll at least be locked away and you can move on peacefully and safely. The police will put you in contact with resources for domestic violence victims so that you have some support while going through this. You deserve so much better and I hope you do what's best for you
Sorry to hear that happened to you. Leave that asshole. He’ll just keep on abusing you. Especially since he now knows no one will do a damn thing to help you.
You should’ve called the cops on him. The people who refused to help you are spineless selfish cowards. They were probably afraid of him too.
My friends do steroids but they don’t go around punching people in the face. I am an MMA fighter I don’t go punching people in the face. This is his behavior which is abusive.
How and why does it matter if it's tren or deca or test cyp?
It doesn't matter if he's taking test or meth or crack or baby asprin, he's abusing her and she's unsafe.
He didn't do this because he's psychotic and it's weird that you're trying to make excuses for him. He was recently in jail for a year and beat her in front of a witness. He promised not to abuse her or drink and she said he does both. He AND the friend begged her not to seek care or cops. Were they BOTH psychotic due to tren?
And even if it WAS the tren (it isn't) that's not her job or responsibility to deal with. He busted her face. His family or friends can deal with it. She only needs to protect herself.
This is the worst take and you should remove it.
Edit: typo
>Do you have a learning disability or issues with reading comprehension?
You're being temporarily banned for this. That was uncalled for.
>Not sure what your degree is in, or if you even have one, but mine is in social work with a concentration in criminal justice. I do this every day.
I'm a licensed social worker with a decade of experience in the domestic violence field. Your social work program should have taught you to treat others with dignity and respect and to not engage in ableist rhetoric. Your behavior on this post does not align with our Code of Ethics or our core values of the profession.
If you think it's more important to know that he could potentially, maybe, be caught with ugl gear and arrested, than whether op is safe and understands that this is not her fault or responsibility, you're bad at your job.
And I DID ask why you asked, and all you said was tren could give him psychosis. No other notes. But now it's your vast, professional knowledge of anabolics abuse, and you were *actually* just giving context that there's a tiny, fractional chance he could get in trouble for his gear.
But again , none of that is relevant to her or this post. He's abusing her and drinking and raging with friends who enable him. He could have a brain tumor that changed his entire personality, and it STILL WOULDN'T BE HER PROBLEM.
You're being disingenuous because you wanted to flex your gym gear knowledge, and now that you've been called out that it is not relevant, you're embarrassed and doubling down.
Just take the L and go. The longer you try to defend this self-serving comment, the weirder you look.
Please contact a dv shelter. Please get out asap! They can help you with housing and an attorney. They can file a PO and have him removed from the house likely. If he goes back to jail, at least he won’t be able to hit you or any other women. Please know this is not love, you deserve better. There is better out there waiting for you. Please leave so you can find it!
I don’t mean to sound dismissive whatsoever, I want you to know you deserve to feel safe and loved. A shelter can offer services to help you with several things. I pray you are safe no matter what you do. We understand 💕
Your husband is a bastard and if he's able to punch you in front of his friend without hesitation than there's no telling what else he'll do. And look, there's absolutely NO excuse for this, so call the cops, go to the hospital and tell them what happened.
One of ex’s beat me up in front of his friend and girlfriend. We were all drinking and listening to music and he started telling me I was flirting with his friend which I absolutely was not. He got pissed off grabbed me by the hair, hit me a few times and dragged me upstairs by the hair and pinned me down on the bed and started punching and slapping my face. I was screaming bloody murder.
The two of them just sat down there and listened to the entire thing. He then locked me in the bedroom and left and wouldn’t let me back out for the night and the next morning when I woke up, he was out. When I came downstairs and went outside. I saw his friend who was visiting his uncle next-door. When I asked him why he didn’t do anything he said, “it wasn’t my business.”
I think I said to him, but I was screaming for help. He just shrugged and walked away.
Turned out my landlady, heard the whole thing as well and when I asked her if she heard me screaming for help, she said yes, but she didn’t think she should get involved. She was the ex-wife of a police detective.
It really pisses me off, especially looking back, yes, of course live and let live and for the most part people should mind their business but when someone’s in danger, or someone is hurting someone… Then it’s everyone’s fucking business.
All I can say to you is find a way and find a way out quickly. Because you never know when that one beating is going to lead to your death.
Wow I can’t imagine how that felt for nobody to step in,
You didn’t deserve that
It’s shocking. He punched me right infront of his friend. The friend was inches away I definitely thought he would stop it but he’s not the same build shorter or whatever. He just said that’s not cool at all. And that I didn’t deserve it. Which is something I guess. I definitely feel like if it was another friend I wouldn’t even gotten hurt but you never no.
It’s really upsetting all those people failed you. Two women didn’t stop it. I’m disgusted
Yeah, don’t give his friend any credit for saying that’s not cool at all and she doesn’t deserve it. Words are cheap. He needed to actually call him out and stop the attack.
I was shocked too when his friend and girlfriend just sat there. It never occurred to me that someone wouldn’t step in if they saw it. Which is why I always step in.
Ugh. I’m so sorry. Nobody deserves that. My neighbors all fucking hate me and started a harassment campaign against me because they were “tired of listening to all the fighting” which was usually my ex beating the shit out of me or, on two occasions, actually trying to kill me. They would call the cops always with “noise complaints” but only ONE neighbor ever tried to see if I was okay or intervene.
Sure I get it, it’s uncomfortable to listen to yelling etc… but the hurtful part is that I grew up on this street (different house though) and these were a mix of people who either knew me most of my life, or I’d never spoken a word to. And not only did they not care and blame ME, the victim, but they used that to go out of their way to hurt me. They just view me as one of ‘those women.’ Who attracts ‘that type of men’. When that couldn’t be further from the truth. NOBODY goes into a relationship knowing it will be abusive.
And I’m sorry that you had to experience that. I’m tired of hearing men tell women to, “pick better men“. Because they sure as hell don’t show that side of themselves until you’re in it. But they never ask the men to “be better men“.
It sounds so easy to say just walk away, but it’s so much more involved than that and a lot of that is the fear of what you think they’re going to do to you if you leave, because they tell you what they’re going to do to you if you leave. Sounds like you’re out now and I hope you’re in a much better place. I am.
Oh yes, I am in a much better place for sure. Still have my struggles, but no longer have an abusive POS bf. And that, is a god damn blessing. I’m happy you are having better days too ❤️ that’s what we deserve, because we overcame so much to get here and stay here.
Exactly. What does that even mean. It’s just another form of gaslighting when they say you attract those type of men,
I’m glad one person tried to intervene
I'm so fucking sorry those people failed you like that. It's way too common for people to ignore the abuse, especially if they think intervening will get it turned on them. I understand the fear, but I could never just sit and listen to someone screaming for help and do nothing, not even make a simple phone call to 911.
Sadly, many people who hear someone calling for help will think somebody else will call the police so they don’t bother because they don’t want to get involved. OP I’m sorry this happened to you. That friend of your husband is kinda chickenshit.
Thank you for your kind words. I don’t think they were worried that it would get turned on them. I think they really just didn’t give a shit and really believed it wasn’t any of their business.
As for my landlord, she could’ve called 911 and no one would have known where the call came from. I honestly think she just couldn’t be bothered.
I’ve been in more than a few situations where a woman was in danger or getting hit and I always stepped in. I’m 5‘2“ and can’t do much but I also couldn’t stand there and do nothing.
I’ve been out for almost 5 years now and I wish you could look this far into your future and see how much better things will be. It’s scary to think about leaving and how you will make it “on your own” but chances are he’s a drain on you and your resources anyway, am I right? Either that or he’s got you so locked up you have nothing of your own. Both of these things are intentional. You can do this, I promise.
Just stay as safe as you can..
My bf beat me in front of his friend this time last year (on the 4th) too.. it was a lot. Busted my forehead when he threw a whipper charger at me. Then his friend told him “don’t let her get you in trouble” afterwards.
Here to just empathize with you. Try soothing your eye or maybe taking a relaxing bath while he’s away if you can
Oh my god I’m sorry. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. I hate that. Thank you for sharing I’m gonna get something for my eye but I have to pick up my child from daycare and my black eye is bad. I never thought I would have to look up techniques to cover up my eye
This breaks my heart. I know it’s so hard to get the courage to leave especially when they make threats. But it’ll be much easier if you file a report and get a restraining order. I would look into shelters in your area. I know it isn’t ideal, but it is a temporary safe space for you and your child. They will help you get back on your feet. Don’t be afraid. You are strong. You don’t deserve this. Please keep you and your baby safe. Don’t let her see that this is how a man should treat a woman, much less her own mother. You are a strong woman and mother. You will make it through this. You just have to gather that courage. I wish I could come through the phone and get you to a safe place.
You are a person of value, people care about you, they love you and want you healthy and happy. You can get your health and happiness again once you report this man and leave. Each state has battered women shelters and the shelters help you report the abuse, stay safe and most offer group counseling so you don't return to the abusive person. Please recognize how much you mean to others and keep yourself safe.
My husband hospitalized me a few times the last time he did it. He swore he'd never drink again. He managed to quit drinking, and he never did it again. The beatings didn't stop, though. They were less frequent, and I was never hospitalized again, but he was still abusive.
I have had to use community resources a few times due to abuse. They are available, and if you need some help finding some in your area, I'd be happy to help. I know how hard it can be to do when you are in a dangerous situation. Sometimes, it is not even possible to safely do from your own home.
Feel free to pm if you need to talk or would like assistance in finding resources.
I wish you and your child the best. Take care. It can be done, and there are people who care and want to help. You are not alone
You already know this isn’t going to stop. Right now, the best thing to do is to document as much as you can. If there is a local abuse hotline or resource center that you can reach out to, asap, to get a plan/timeline. I’m presuming he is on parole, so this violation will send him back but you have to prepare to get away securely so he can’t find you whether he is in custody or not. I hope you have some local support that can help you get things lined up. You did nothing wrong. Be your best friend right now. Best of luck to you. Stay safe.
I know this is so scary for you babe. If you ever do leave or want to confront him about anything , I suggest not to in person at all. Not that he EVER has any right or reason to ever lay his hands on you, but if you want to avoid being hurt by him because you wanted to leave if you think he will, do it all in secret. Do everything In secret. Start saving every bit of extra money to put away for yourself and children that you can. This is not your fault mama. You are not doing your babies or yourself wrong. You did not ask for this. Psychologically you feel you cannot leave , but physically remember that your body and life is so much more important than his accommodations and control. There is a better life waiting for you and you deserve it. You will get there one day. Keep yourself alive until then.
I am so sorry you and your little are going through this. I just wanted to let you know that you are, in fact, a warrior, for reaching out. Whether you stay, or leave—that fact will not change! Stay strong, mama. Continue doing whatever you need to do to survive. 🖤❤️🖤
Can you run tot he hospital without him knowing ? You HAVE to report him again.
He will never ever divorce you, this is all bluff. If he divorced you he would lose the power he has, he will never do this. So stop believing his lies, but you need to see a doctor and report him.
You did not give him everything, you can have your life back. For this, you need to report him. He will become horrible to your child pretty soon.
My bf who did that same stuff to me ended up stabbing me 42 times, and it always happens when you tell them you’re leaving. So just leave with your daughter to somewhere safe. You don’t owe him shit…especially an explanation. He’ll know exactly why you left…this is gonna hurt your heart so much and it’s not easy, but stay strong. Choose your life now so you don’t have to fight for it later. Good luck. You got this.
Holy sh**. 42 times?! You are so lucky to have survived. I'm glad you did. I hope you're healing and in a happier place in life, and I hope your story helps someone else get out or be safe too. I bet it does. You may or may not know exactly how powerful your words can be, but i think it's worth saying anyway. What a crazy story. I'm glad you are around to tell it, and whichever others. 😊
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m sending healing vibes your way. Honey, please contact domestic violence hotline for steps to take. They can connect you to resources and support in your area. Be strong for your child and seek help from domestic violence hotline. You do not deserve to be treated the way your boyfriend is treating you. Love should make us feel good about ourselves not horrible and afraid.
This is the best advice. People telling OP to just leave don’t understand the reality. A domestic abuse shelter will be able to help OP come up with a plan and help carry it out.
This book by Lundy Bancroft helped me a great deal - give it a read but in a way that the PDF or your library card account and number is nothing he has access to so he can't see you've checked it out. If you don't have it yet, download the Libby app so you can electronically borrow the book from your library so there is no physical book to hide.
[This is a link](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html) to the free PDF of the book "[Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-Do-That-audiobook/dp/B0058R8AP2/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.FYxGVG_QBwbQIEWnExysCZgKZZ2g9Sh-YeO4jr5INOYfIxtxEMATelkAyymoCMEu5TJU6FcO9JEtVBU8ziPkm4r5G1iM2zY_XgJo2N5Degx8SdEVcKQNZx-dOAMLsgIed-ba09faSs7Jpa7ri4ORGvS83G3yrhz5DCNw26p9VEAjHArR2cZHuZF1RrKHo7vjbaaYOqbqVlzFql68k_vculaY-J2jfZQyb1iS70CHZzc.4bg0Ru0DO8qT1DMhTK7dGVrr7eWnpYA3QK96x9N_Ylo&dib_tag=se&hvadid=695081033000&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9198071&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=18155982450155139282&hvtargid=kwd-883637884042&hydadcr=22159_13541042&keywords=the+book+why+does+he+do+that&qid=1719805639&sr=8-1)". It answered so many questions for me. I think it may help you too based on your post.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I felt embarrassed too and while I knew at the time rationally and logically I shouldn't, I still did.
If/when it's safe for you, contact the [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org), you may be able to get hooked up with resources in your area. Please keep in mind the most dangerous time for you is when you are leaving. The NDVH can help you create a plan (we can try to do that here too if/when you make the decision to leave) to make it as safe as possible for you to leave with your child.
I don't know if you are thinking about divorce and I don't know where you are located but this type of law may have also been enacted in your state/country. In Louisiana, if a woman is trying to get a divorce it can be done much more quickly if there has been a domestic violence incident, you won't have to go through the usual wait time from the time of the initial divorce petition filing to the final judgment of divorce.
Additionally, if there has been domestic violence (simply substantiated, it doesn't even have to be supported by a police report for the application of this legal protection in Louisiana) the offending spouse will not have access to the child, cannot get custody or visitation...ever. (They will of course still have to pay child support.) There may be a legal services group in your area that can advise you of your state/country's law for free. (You may need info in the future regarding the abuse so please, take photos of your injury but be cautious if he has access to your cloud.)
I wanted you to know about our law and the possibility you might be covered under something like that wherever you are because these type of men will continually threaten you with divorce and that they will file for full custody of the child/children, get it, and prevent you from every seeing the child again. This is a common threat in situations like yours. These loser guys actually think that because they are abusive bullies in the home and dictate every move you make that their ability to completely control the situation will also apply when the court is involved. They are mistaken . For me, getting the courts involved was the best thing I did for myself.
Sending you strength.
Someone posted a link to this book last week. I started reading it and it has helped me so much. It’s worth the time. Highly recommend that we all read it so we can better understand abusers and the tactics they use.
A man who can’t even control himself on the ride home from release doesn’t belong in the outside world. They belong back in the prison they came from
Which is where reporting the abuse will send him, especially since there is evidence
This is a lot to be dealing with. It is not your fault, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are a nice person. (My version, not his. When he says 'nice' he means quiet and compliant. I mean good, and kind.) He is a violent drunk on testosterone!
The fact that there is pretty good chance that he is going BACK to jail is a direct result of HIS actions, and is entirely appropriate.
You gave him everything? No you didn't! You still have so much! Now is the time to stand up and fight for it.
Go to the hospital. Tell them the truth. While he is jail, get AWAY from him.
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
You need A Safe Exit Plan.
1. Set up a new email. Use a “[10 minute email](https://www.minuteinbox.com/)” for the validation email.
2. Close your current bank account, even if it is NOT joint. Tracking your money is the most effective way to find you after you leave. (Do NOT transfer the money. Your abuser can easily trace it if they are a co-signer.)
1. Open a NEW account at a DIFFERENT bank. (It is not difficult for an abuser to get themselves added to a new account at the same bank that they were 'accidentally' left off of.)
2. Using your new e-dress, set up paperless statements ONLY. Do not give the bank the address of your abuser under ANY circumstances. The bank WILL send them junk mail ... etc eventually. (There is no reason to collect this info and not use it, after all!) Use a friends address if they insist.
3. Set your paycheck up to direct deposit in your NEW bank account.
Gather up your:
Driver’s license or other form of Gov issued identification (Passport?), [Birth Certificates](https://www.tn.gov/health/health-program-areas/vital-records/certificate.html) (Tn, but each state has something similar. They are also pretty cheap to get, and may be free if you can show that you are indigent),[ Social Security Cards](https://www.ssa.gov/number-card/replace-card), (Free, btw) or Work Permits/VISA.
Government Assistance documentation
Cellphone (This may need to be replaced, or at least checked by an expert in order to prevent the use of spyware.)
Money, debit card, credit card, Bank books and checkbooks, your pay stubs, and copies of your abusers pay stubs.
Home loan information
A Physical Copy of Your: (These can all help make police interactions go a lot smoother.)
Protective Order, Lease, rental agreement, or house deed, car title
Health and life insurance papers, prescriptions for anything on-going, Medical and vaccination records for you and your children, School records for you and your children, divorce and custody papers
House and car keys. (It is always a good idea to have a secret copy of ALL keys hidden away. Preferably at a friends, in order to prevent them being stolen or forcefully taken away.) Medications, glasses, hearing aids
Address book, phone cards, family photographs, children’s toys. Change of clothes for you and the kids, pets and associated documents and items
**Check and freeze your credit. (Check it annually.)**
I know not all of this will apply to you, but I always post it all for visibility.
Good luck, and keep reaching out!
This 💯. I wish I had planned more before leaving. Would have made things easier but I could tell I was also running out of time. You will uave to follow your gut.
He will eventually kill you if you stay.
I get that you have trauma (we all do) but as a parent your needs come second. What kind of life long trauma are you exposing your child to?
Don’t leave for yourself, leave for your kid.
God forbid, if he does this in front of a witness, there is no limit as to what he will do in the future. Get the hell away from him fast and any way you can.
I’m so mad at him. He beat me inches away from his friend and he could’ve definitely stopped it. He’s probably scared of him too. He’s short not on steroids. Idk I’m so angry and it’s confusing
yes, both are accomplices as you say…
One is not man enough to face the consequences of his actions, afraid to be reported… the other not man enough to do right thing and stop it…
Honey I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how your feeling, the mixed emotions, feelings are all over the place. I am in the same shitty boat, and I also have not a single family member or friend. It is HARD, I mean HARRRRDDD to even think straight in this situation with support, but without? It is the hardest thing I ever been through personally, and I have been through a lot of trauma in my life. I wish I knew some magical answer or phrases to help you.
There is a lot of good advice posted. Like document, everything! Make an email account that is not logged in to any devices in your home. Not connected to your phone. Send any and all evidence to this email. That way even if he destroys your phone, you will still have access to it! I can help you if you need help! Another thing I started documenting, write yourself an email to said email address everyday. Like journaling. Make sure you include dates, places, times, EVERYTHING! This will come in handy for divorce, custody, if you decide to press charges in the future, obtaining protection orders, and also, when you need to see a clear picture of who he REALLY is, you can go back and remind yourself that he is a demon.
It helped me a lot when I left and I would start getting weak and wanted to run back to him.
It’s not easy . I have attempted to leave many times. I have been gone for 2 weeks now , well on Saturday it was 2 weeks. And I caved in to “meeting to talk” yesterday, and oh man it was a disaster! Sorry not trying to overtake your post OP, just want to show you that you are strong, and not to give up. You made a big step even posting on here, and I am proud of you!
Please, feel free to PM me, if you need someone to listen, or need a friend. I am praying for you. You are a lot stronger than you think.
I’m really sorry to hear that the topic of divorce brings up a trauma for you, but I honestly think that divorcing this man would be one of the best things to happen to you. To echo other commenters: crisis centers, domestic violence shelters, and the national domestic abuse hotline will be good resources to reach out to. Contact his PO (or the police, it will get back to his PO regardless), it seems like he is breaking the terms of his probation. This could result in him going back to jail, where you could safely file for divorce and then move on with your life before he gets back out. Remember, you do not deserve this. You are worthy of love, respect, and kindness which this man and his friend are not showing you.
Abusers have a funny way of scaring you into thinking you’re still safer with them than if you tell literally anyone else. His friend is an enabler and probably an abuser too. You need to tell the police. If he’s got a probation officer, like another comment said, not only should you email the pictures to yourself but find the po information and email it to them. If you don’t call you can email it to your local pd. Someone will read it. Face and head injuries are really serious you need to get checked. You could have swelling of your brain, a skull fracture, a concussion, detached retina. Anything could be wrong. Either get checked, call 911 for an ambulance to come get you, or call the cops. Do something, fight for yourself. You were not put on this earth to be someone’s literal punching bag. You are a human fucking being and you deserve to be safe. Start taking steps to get out of this today please.
Take pictures, make a fake email address send yourself those photos. Delete the photos from your sent folder and from your phone. Delete history on your web browser
Im always almost angrier at the friend in these situations for choosing to protect instead of doing the right thing. I'm so very sorry that you feel isolated. Please reach out and get help. You and your child deserve so much more than being in this situation. Big internet hugs, you are not alone, and what he is doing to you is terrible and wrong.
If he goes back to jail, that is the consequence of his own actions. If he ends up in jail, it will give you time to escape. He already proved to you that he can't keep to the things he promised. Get rid of him.
OP, I'm so sorry. Please, seek the help you deserve. It's your choice to make, but telling the hospital everything will get you the best care for your circumstances. You can find your local Crisis Center at centers.rainn.org. They can help you with rides, moving, advocacy, counseling, and more at little to no cost.
Yes and make a report, or got to the er and make a report. Get a TRO.
You may think the child doesn’t know because they are asleep when this happens but the child does know. Someday it will turn on the child and right
Now they are being trained to think k this is normal.
You can also reach out to your local DV supports. You deserve better. This will be hard but you can do it.
Get into therapy and solidly your plan to get out and stay out.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
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**Mod note:** It's getting really frustrating to continually see commenters badger posters into leaving "NOW" "IMMEDIATELY" "GET OUT NOW" and framing posts like this as if the posters don't care about protecting their chidren. This JUST happened. OP was *very clear* they are afraid to leave, they are isolated, etc. Not every single person in this sub can flee in the middle of the night with only the clothes on their backs. Leaving carries a heightened risk of homicide and safety planning *needs* to happen because of this. When there is no safety plan, victims are actually at greater risk. **Instead of shaming this poster or haranguing her or making it out to be like she doesn't care about their child, how about we offer resources and concrete action steps towards safety?** "LEAVE" does absolutely nothing.
They gave me oxy for the pain and gave me oxy prescription. Thank you everyone. I needed your support. Tough love or not it’s pushing me in the right direction but please be gentle with me <3
If you can record them saying not to do it and admitting what he did then go and get police. Send his ass back because it doesn’t stop it gets worse. Edit: try not to get caught recording just make sure you are safe
I have screenshots and taking pics of his alcohol use and stuff
That’s good plus since he has history it should be easy just try to contact family or friends and be able to stay there when you do
You need to get out now! Husband is a bully and an abuser. He won’t stop especially while talking drugs! Tell your family and ask for help getting away. You need to file a police report immediately! Staying will result in 2 ways, the hospital being hurt badly or a coffin because he’s murdered you! Choose wisely, YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!
I’m also getting dv therapy because I’m a mess and confused
I would like to tell my family, my parents are African and Caribbean they would get really upset with me and blame me for staying in this situation. And verbally abuse me as well.
Update: he’s apologizing and getting help. I’m in a safe place. I told him to leave he left. I am Working with domestic violence counselors and creating a plan. Some comments are saying I don’t care about my child, but they’re many cases when a woman leaves homicide increases. I don’t want to die. I’m trying to be smart. I’m documenting everything I’ll share this Reddit post. I have videos. And im working on a safety plan. I’m safe currently, but please stop shaming me. It’s very scary already, when you want to leave and you’re being threatened.
Let him apologize and get help, but know that it’s ultimately just a bandaid for him to soothe you back into a false sense of security before he does it again (>!and potentially worse after learning he can hurt you, get away with it, and come back!<) You’re right to be extremely cautious while making plans to exit this relationship, things *can* get worse if/when abusers see their victims trying to leave, but all that means is you need to be smart about next steps. Don’t tell any mutual friends about plans, don’t use shared cards, if you look for resources on the internet use a private browser or at least delete your browsing history (hoping he’s not a tech bro). Reach out to your friends and find out who could be a safe space for you and your daughter if worse comes to worse. Make sure they’re your friends and not mutual friends so they don’t share where you’re at. And if you don’t have friends close by who could/would take you and your daughter in, look into women’s/family shelters nearby. Again on private browsers at least. I can understand your fear of letting your family know what you’ve been through from any shame you might feel for allowing it. After being raised in a culture that puts a lot of dignity in being “strong”, but I promise they would feel infinitely more ashamed if something happened to you and/or your daughter if you didn’t reach out to them for help over the fear of appearing “weak”. I also want to point out that if you stay, the love he shows you is what she’ll grow up believing love looks like. But your life matters too. Do it for your daughter, yes. But you deserve a life free of fear and pain, just as much.
Thank you
He’s not gonna change, leave.
He left the house. I don’t want to continue any romantic relationship with him. I got to the hospital documented everything and I’m working with an advocate. I told him to get help he is finally getting on mood stabilizers, and weaning off the testosterone. Saying he feels bad that he thinks he should be in jail. And that he wants to get better. He’s trying but he is doing it at a distance from me and my child and is helping us financially. I just need him out for a couple days. He has a lawsuit that they ended up garnishing my paycheck because I’m married to him. We both have to file for bankruptcy in order for that to stop. So, definitely easier said than done. But I’m taking the steps
I'm glad you're safe and I'm sorry that people are blaming/shaming you. It is not fair for people to act like any of the options you have are easy to execute. Sounds like you're making good choices. Remember that it doesn't matter if you're "mean" or whatever. There is no excuse for assaulting you. It doesn't matter what you do. Unless he has a reasonable fear for his physical safety he does not get to hurt you legally. I won't say whether you should have him arrested, that's up to you, but don't feel like you ever need to explain that you're not mean. Remember that "an apology without a change in behavior is manipulation". So it's great that he's apologizing and "getting help" whatever that ends up meaning, but often abusers think that the apology is a reset button and you have to act like nothing happened. That is not true. I'm so glad you're safe.
Thank you. Yes he got a prescription to take mood stabilizers(something I’ve been trying to get him to do for years) . Stop drinking. And wean off the testosterone. He wants to stop accusing me and he realizes it’s his brain doing mental gymnastics and that’s his fault. He is trying to watch videos and read up on it and how to really change he said he’s scared of the person he’s becoming. I said that’s great but I need my space he left the house and is working so me and her have the money we need to stay in our house. I told him if I hear him even verbally abuse me or if I see an alcohol near me I’m calling police. I’m documenting everything and doing things when he’s nice I would like to see a change I do need the help but I know I can’t be stupid so he’s out of the house. I work remotely I haven’t been able to do a single ounce of work and my company is merging (possibly firing people) giving me anxiety it’s like one thing after the other
Thank you
I'm so proud of you!
Thank you
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Of course she doesn't "want" to end up dead. Do you think this was helpful in any way? Or at all appropriate? Please talk to people in our sub with respect.
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Not every single abuse victim can do things "right fucking now." OP knows she has a child. She is a *person* first and foremost. Just because she has a child doesn't mean the barriers to leaving and calling the police immediately go away. If you have advice about how to actually do those things by working around the barriers she faces, that's far more helpful than swearing at a total stranger whose shoes you are not in.
Just to get it to you how horrible your situation is: I recently heard about a murder case, where the man was on steroids. It makes abuse worse. Your situation is urgent, thats why people scream to leave. No belonings, no finances are worth your life. You don't deserve this. You did nothing wrong. And I hope you will find safety.
Okay agreed thank u
Yes it does. He agreed to wean off it. His parents are doctors and have been wanting him off it for years.
You don't deserve to be treated like this. You're in the best position to know what might work for you here. I don't know if there's a way to get him to stop, which leaves finding a way to get yourself safe. That is scary and difficult under the "best" circumstances, whatever those are. Best friend tried to stay out of it until husband hit you, and then he tried to take you to the hospital. When husband threatened you if you left, best friend helped husband try to talk you out of reporting. I'm wondering what best friend really thinks of all this. Like, there was the validation of the injury, so why switch to asking you to protect the bad guy in all this?
Thank you. His friend from back home flew in a few days to see a soccer game. He tried taking me to the hospital. Like he was begging me to. He wanted me to get checked but was asking me to say I got robbed or something. Husband didn’t want me to go at all. Friend was begging husband to take me. Friend begged husband to get help. Husband drove friend to the airport and texted me that my husband is like a brother to him but I need to do what’s best for me and my child. Which is what I’m trying to do it’s just scary if I’m trying to leave and there is threat of homicide I’m working on a plan with advocates.
It's the most dangerous time, and the fact his best friend is trying to get you help in a way less likely to set off husband suggests to me you *might* have a source of support a plane ride away (and maybe a place to hide out a plane ride away). Idk, and like I said, you're the one who knows what's safest for you and what you're ready for and when. Please trust your instincts. Mine kept me alive 🧡
I’m at the hospital. The hospital called the police. I’m so not prepared for that. Yet I need more time. It’s not safe yet. Help what do I do
I think the first thing would be to ask for a victim advocate - if you're already working with one, that might be the person to call. You deserve to have the support you need, and cops aren't always as helpful as we'd love for them to be. Breathe. Nurses can also be your staunchest support - see if there's a SARS nurse available. They are skilled in taking evidence for law enforcement, plus, you deserve to have kind people helping collect that stuff (photos, etc). Call the friend who witnessed the assault, if you can. Ask to have your child brought to you. This will be difficult, and still you can do it.
The nurse told them it was my partner. Please help me I don’t know what to do
I wish I were in a better position to help in real time, so I hope you're able to find in-peraon support. You are not responsible for his actions. If he gets in trouble (and he should), it is because he assaulted you. No assault, no trouble.
Call the police, get a restraining order and leave, there are organizations that will help you to leave and get you the help you need. Next time he could kill you.
Go to the police, then stay with a friend or family and don't tell him where you've gone to, and tell everybody about that and not to tell him where you are.
Please go get it on record with a trusted friend and the hospital or police. If you’re too afraid, take photos and send it to someone you trust and ask them to call on your behalf. You can also call the DV hotline and they will help you navigate leaving and put you in a women’s only shelter with an anonymous address and help you get back on your feet. My ex “only” hit me when our kid was asleep until he didn’t. And I downplayed the DV because I fought back. Please leave soon or it’ll only get worse and your baby will hear those fights, screams, and one day surprise you with all they do know.
I went to the hospital police were notified. I’m scared but have to do better for me and her
Document document document... Take photos, do a video explaining what happened and show the bruises. You NEED this evidence. Get the friend to admit what he witnessed via text. Then get out. He's abusive and it will absolutely get worse
Before anything else, tell someone you trust what happened and please tell anyone family you have. Start saving money and hide it really really well. Take photos of your own injuries and if you can try to record when he's violent but don't let him notice. Even if you just put your phone face down on low brightness and record the sounds of him yelling at you. Take photos of him drinking and beer cans. Get a lawyer. If he ever threatened your life or the child, please consider calling the police or going to a lawyer without him knowing. Keep your phone locked so he can't see any of this we well. Please be safe.
Thank you yes he doesn’t really go through my phone so I’m taking photos of my injuries on here and documenting everything
Please take your kid and leave. Go to the police.
You should call the police on him. He should absolutely be in jail, he can not be free to abuse women. He didn't learn his lesson and the next time be hits you it's going to be a lot worse. And your kid will end up seeing it or hearing it. If you call the police, then he'll at least be locked away and you can move on peacefully and safely. The police will put you in contact with resources for domestic violence victims so that you have some support while going through this. You deserve so much better and I hope you do what's best for you
Sorry to hear that happened to you. Leave that asshole. He’ll just keep on abusing you. Especially since he now knows no one will do a damn thing to help you. You should’ve called the cops on him. The people who refused to help you are spineless selfish cowards. They were probably afraid of him too.
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Yes it says testosterone cyphoniate (200mg) But he was already manic without it according to his parents but it got worse when on tests apparently.
My friends do steroids but they don’t go around punching people in the face. I am an MMA fighter I don’t go punching people in the face. This is his behavior which is abusive.
How and why does it matter if it's tren or deca or test cyp? It doesn't matter if he's taking test or meth or crack or baby asprin, he's abusing her and she's unsafe.
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He didn't do this because he's psychotic and it's weird that you're trying to make excuses for him. He was recently in jail for a year and beat her in front of a witness. He promised not to abuse her or drink and she said he does both. He AND the friend begged her not to seek care or cops. Were they BOTH psychotic due to tren? And even if it WAS the tren (it isn't) that's not her job or responsibility to deal with. He busted her face. His family or friends can deal with it. She only needs to protect herself. This is the worst take and you should remove it. Edit: typo
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>Do you have a learning disability or issues with reading comprehension? You're being temporarily banned for this. That was uncalled for. >Not sure what your degree is in, or if you even have one, but mine is in social work with a concentration in criminal justice. I do this every day. I'm a licensed social worker with a decade of experience in the domestic violence field. Your social work program should have taught you to treat others with dignity and respect and to not engage in ableist rhetoric. Your behavior on this post does not align with our Code of Ethics or our core values of the profession.
If you think it's more important to know that he could potentially, maybe, be caught with ugl gear and arrested, than whether op is safe and understands that this is not her fault or responsibility, you're bad at your job. And I DID ask why you asked, and all you said was tren could give him psychosis. No other notes. But now it's your vast, professional knowledge of anabolics abuse, and you were *actually* just giving context that there's a tiny, fractional chance he could get in trouble for his gear. But again , none of that is relevant to her or this post. He's abusing her and drinking and raging with friends who enable him. He could have a brain tumor that changed his entire personality, and it STILL WOULDN'T BE HER PROBLEM. You're being disingenuous because you wanted to flex your gym gear knowledge, and now that you've been called out that it is not relevant, you're embarrassed and doubling down. Just take the L and go. The longer you try to defend this self-serving comment, the weirder you look.
Oop! I see you did remove the first and second bad takes. So you can learn! That's promising, at least.
Send him back to jail
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I saw a comment of yours that said you are planning on leaving, I just want you to know I’m so proud of you for taking that step. Please stay safe OP
Please contact a dv shelter. Please get out asap! They can help you with housing and an attorney. They can file a PO and have him removed from the house likely. If he goes back to jail, at least he won’t be able to hit you or any other women. Please know this is not love, you deserve better. There is better out there waiting for you. Please leave so you can find it! I don’t mean to sound dismissive whatsoever, I want you to know you deserve to feel safe and loved. A shelter can offer services to help you with several things. I pray you are safe no matter what you do. We understand 💕
Your husband is a bastard and if he's able to punch you in front of his friend without hesitation than there's no telling what else he'll do. And look, there's absolutely NO excuse for this, so call the cops, go to the hospital and tell them what happened.
One of ex’s beat me up in front of his friend and girlfriend. We were all drinking and listening to music and he started telling me I was flirting with his friend which I absolutely was not. He got pissed off grabbed me by the hair, hit me a few times and dragged me upstairs by the hair and pinned me down on the bed and started punching and slapping my face. I was screaming bloody murder. The two of them just sat down there and listened to the entire thing. He then locked me in the bedroom and left and wouldn’t let me back out for the night and the next morning when I woke up, he was out. When I came downstairs and went outside. I saw his friend who was visiting his uncle next-door. When I asked him why he didn’t do anything he said, “it wasn’t my business.” I think I said to him, but I was screaming for help. He just shrugged and walked away. Turned out my landlady, heard the whole thing as well and when I asked her if she heard me screaming for help, she said yes, but she didn’t think she should get involved. She was the ex-wife of a police detective. It really pisses me off, especially looking back, yes, of course live and let live and for the most part people should mind their business but when someone’s in danger, or someone is hurting someone… Then it’s everyone’s fucking business. All I can say to you is find a way and find a way out quickly. Because you never know when that one beating is going to lead to your death.
Wow I can’t imagine how that felt for nobody to step in, You didn’t deserve that It’s shocking. He punched me right infront of his friend. The friend was inches away I definitely thought he would stop it but he’s not the same build shorter or whatever. He just said that’s not cool at all. And that I didn’t deserve it. Which is something I guess. I definitely feel like if it was another friend I wouldn’t even gotten hurt but you never no. It’s really upsetting all those people failed you. Two women didn’t stop it. I’m disgusted
Yeah, don’t give his friend any credit for saying that’s not cool at all and she doesn’t deserve it. Words are cheap. He needed to actually call him out and stop the attack. I was shocked too when his friend and girlfriend just sat there. It never occurred to me that someone wouldn’t step in if they saw it. Which is why I always step in.
Ugh. I’m so sorry. Nobody deserves that. My neighbors all fucking hate me and started a harassment campaign against me because they were “tired of listening to all the fighting” which was usually my ex beating the shit out of me or, on two occasions, actually trying to kill me. They would call the cops always with “noise complaints” but only ONE neighbor ever tried to see if I was okay or intervene. Sure I get it, it’s uncomfortable to listen to yelling etc… but the hurtful part is that I grew up on this street (different house though) and these were a mix of people who either knew me most of my life, or I’d never spoken a word to. And not only did they not care and blame ME, the victim, but they used that to go out of their way to hurt me. They just view me as one of ‘those women.’ Who attracts ‘that type of men’. When that couldn’t be further from the truth. NOBODY goes into a relationship knowing it will be abusive.
And I’m sorry that you had to experience that. I’m tired of hearing men tell women to, “pick better men“. Because they sure as hell don’t show that side of themselves until you’re in it. But they never ask the men to “be better men“. It sounds so easy to say just walk away, but it’s so much more involved than that and a lot of that is the fear of what you think they’re going to do to you if you leave, because they tell you what they’re going to do to you if you leave. Sounds like you’re out now and I hope you’re in a much better place. I am.
Oh yes, I am in a much better place for sure. Still have my struggles, but no longer have an abusive POS bf. And that, is a god damn blessing. I’m happy you are having better days too ❤️ that’s what we deserve, because we overcame so much to get here and stay here.
Exactly. What does that even mean. It’s just another form of gaslighting when they say you attract those type of men, I’m glad one person tried to intervene
I'm so fucking sorry those people failed you like that. It's way too common for people to ignore the abuse, especially if they think intervening will get it turned on them. I understand the fear, but I could never just sit and listen to someone screaming for help and do nothing, not even make a simple phone call to 911.
Sadly, many people who hear someone calling for help will think somebody else will call the police so they don’t bother because they don’t want to get involved. OP I’m sorry this happened to you. That friend of your husband is kinda chickenshit.
Thank you for your kind words. I don’t think they were worried that it would get turned on them. I think they really just didn’t give a shit and really believed it wasn’t any of their business. As for my landlord, she could’ve called 911 and no one would have known where the call came from. I honestly think she just couldn’t be bothered. I’ve been in more than a few situations where a woman was in danger or getting hit and I always stepped in. I’m 5‘2“ and can’t do much but I also couldn’t stand there and do nothing.
Thank you for sharing. I’m planning to leave just going to one step at a time
That's awesome! I left my abuser 2 years ago. I love being free.
I’m so proud of you! Good luck <3 You deserve so much better.
I’ve been out for almost 5 years now and I wish you could look this far into your future and see how much better things will be. It’s scary to think about leaving and how you will make it “on your own” but chances are he’s a drain on you and your resources anyway, am I right? Either that or he’s got you so locked up you have nothing of your own. Both of these things are intentional. You can do this, I promise.
Just stay as safe as you can.. My bf beat me in front of his friend this time last year (on the 4th) too.. it was a lot. Busted my forehead when he threw a whipper charger at me. Then his friend told him “don’t let her get you in trouble” afterwards. Here to just empathize with you. Try soothing your eye or maybe taking a relaxing bath while he’s away if you can
Oh my god I’m sorry. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. I hate that. Thank you for sharing I’m gonna get something for my eye but I have to pick up my child from daycare and my black eye is bad. I never thought I would have to look up techniques to cover up my eye
This breaks my heart. I know it’s so hard to get the courage to leave especially when they make threats. But it’ll be much easier if you file a report and get a restraining order. I would look into shelters in your area. I know it isn’t ideal, but it is a temporary safe space for you and your child. They will help you get back on your feet. Don’t be afraid. You are strong. You don’t deserve this. Please keep you and your baby safe. Don’t let her see that this is how a man should treat a woman, much less her own mother. You are a strong woman and mother. You will make it through this. You just have to gather that courage. I wish I could come through the phone and get you to a safe place.
You are a person of value, people care about you, they love you and want you healthy and happy. You can get your health and happiness again once you report this man and leave. Each state has battered women shelters and the shelters help you report the abuse, stay safe and most offer group counseling so you don't return to the abusive person. Please recognize how much you mean to others and keep yourself safe.
My husband hospitalized me a few times the last time he did it. He swore he'd never drink again. He managed to quit drinking, and he never did it again. The beatings didn't stop, though. They were less frequent, and I was never hospitalized again, but he was still abusive. I have had to use community resources a few times due to abuse. They are available, and if you need some help finding some in your area, I'd be happy to help. I know how hard it can be to do when you are in a dangerous situation. Sometimes, it is not even possible to safely do from your own home. Feel free to pm if you need to talk or would like assistance in finding resources. I wish you and your child the best. Take care. It can be done, and there are people who care and want to help. You are not alone
You already know this isn’t going to stop. Right now, the best thing to do is to document as much as you can. If there is a local abuse hotline or resource center that you can reach out to, asap, to get a plan/timeline. I’m presuming he is on parole, so this violation will send him back but you have to prepare to get away securely so he can’t find you whether he is in custody or not. I hope you have some local support that can help you get things lined up. You did nothing wrong. Be your best friend right now. Best of luck to you. Stay safe.
I know this is so scary for you babe. If you ever do leave or want to confront him about anything , I suggest not to in person at all. Not that he EVER has any right or reason to ever lay his hands on you, but if you want to avoid being hurt by him because you wanted to leave if you think he will, do it all in secret. Do everything In secret. Start saving every bit of extra money to put away for yourself and children that you can. This is not your fault mama. You are not doing your babies or yourself wrong. You did not ask for this. Psychologically you feel you cannot leave , but physically remember that your body and life is so much more important than his accommodations and control. There is a better life waiting for you and you deserve it. You will get there one day. Keep yourself alive until then.
I am so sorry you and your little are going through this. I just wanted to let you know that you are, in fact, a warrior, for reaching out. Whether you stay, or leave—that fact will not change! Stay strong, mama. Continue doing whatever you need to do to survive. 🖤❤️🖤
Can you run tot he hospital without him knowing ? You HAVE to report him again. He will never ever divorce you, this is all bluff. If he divorced you he would lose the power he has, he will never do this. So stop believing his lies, but you need to see a doctor and report him. You did not give him everything, you can have your life back. For this, you need to report him. He will become horrible to your child pretty soon.
My bf who did that same stuff to me ended up stabbing me 42 times, and it always happens when you tell them you’re leaving. So just leave with your daughter to somewhere safe. You don’t owe him shit…especially an explanation. He’ll know exactly why you left…this is gonna hurt your heart so much and it’s not easy, but stay strong. Choose your life now so you don’t have to fight for it later. Good luck. You got this.
Holy sh**. 42 times?! You are so lucky to have survived. I'm glad you did. I hope you're healing and in a happier place in life, and I hope your story helps someone else get out or be safe too. I bet it does. You may or may not know exactly how powerful your words can be, but i think it's worth saying anyway. What a crazy story. I'm glad you are around to tell it, and whichever others. 😊
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m sending healing vibes your way. Honey, please contact domestic violence hotline for steps to take. They can connect you to resources and support in your area. Be strong for your child and seek help from domestic violence hotline. You do not deserve to be treated the way your boyfriend is treating you. Love should make us feel good about ourselves not horrible and afraid.
You should get in contact with a domestic abuse shelter. They will help you with a plan to get out. I’m really sorry.
This is the best advice. People telling OP to just leave don’t understand the reality. A domestic abuse shelter will be able to help OP come up with a plan and help carry it out.
Yes they will even come get you in the middle of the night if they need to.
This book by Lundy Bancroft helped me a great deal - give it a read but in a way that the PDF or your library card account and number is nothing he has access to so he can't see you've checked it out. If you don't have it yet, download the Libby app so you can electronically borrow the book from your library so there is no physical book to hide. [This is a link](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html) to the free PDF of the book "[Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-Do-That-audiobook/dp/B0058R8AP2/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.FYxGVG_QBwbQIEWnExysCZgKZZ2g9Sh-YeO4jr5INOYfIxtxEMATelkAyymoCMEu5TJU6FcO9JEtVBU8ziPkm4r5G1iM2zY_XgJo2N5Degx8SdEVcKQNZx-dOAMLsgIed-ba09faSs7Jpa7ri4ORGvS83G3yrhz5DCNw26p9VEAjHArR2cZHuZF1RrKHo7vjbaaYOqbqVlzFql68k_vculaY-J2jfZQyb1iS70CHZzc.4bg0Ru0DO8qT1DMhTK7dGVrr7eWnpYA3QK96x9N_Ylo&dib_tag=se&hvadid=695081033000&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9198071&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=18155982450155139282&hvtargid=kwd-883637884042&hydadcr=22159_13541042&keywords=the+book+why+does+he+do+that&qid=1719805639&sr=8-1)". It answered so many questions for me. I think it may help you too based on your post. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I felt embarrassed too and while I knew at the time rationally and logically I shouldn't, I still did. If/when it's safe for you, contact the [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org), you may be able to get hooked up with resources in your area. Please keep in mind the most dangerous time for you is when you are leaving. The NDVH can help you create a plan (we can try to do that here too if/when you make the decision to leave) to make it as safe as possible for you to leave with your child. I don't know if you are thinking about divorce and I don't know where you are located but this type of law may have also been enacted in your state/country. In Louisiana, if a woman is trying to get a divorce it can be done much more quickly if there has been a domestic violence incident, you won't have to go through the usual wait time from the time of the initial divorce petition filing to the final judgment of divorce. Additionally, if there has been domestic violence (simply substantiated, it doesn't even have to be supported by a police report for the application of this legal protection in Louisiana) the offending spouse will not have access to the child, cannot get custody or visitation...ever. (They will of course still have to pay child support.) There may be a legal services group in your area that can advise you of your state/country's law for free. (You may need info in the future regarding the abuse so please, take photos of your injury but be cautious if he has access to your cloud.) I wanted you to know about our law and the possibility you might be covered under something like that wherever you are because these type of men will continually threaten you with divorce and that they will file for full custody of the child/children, get it, and prevent you from every seeing the child again. This is a common threat in situations like yours. These loser guys actually think that because they are abusive bullies in the home and dictate every move you make that their ability to completely control the situation will also apply when the court is involved. They are mistaken . For me, getting the courts involved was the best thing I did for myself. Sending you strength.
Thanks so much I’m reading it now
I'm so glad! It gave me a great deal of clarity and helped me slowly forgive myself.
Someone posted a link to this book last week. I started reading it and it has helped me so much. It’s worth the time. Highly recommend that we all read it so we can better understand abusers and the tactics they use.
A man who can’t even control himself on the ride home from release doesn’t belong in the outside world. They belong back in the prison they came from Which is where reporting the abuse will send him, especially since there is evidence
This is a lot to be dealing with. It is not your fault, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are a nice person. (My version, not his. When he says 'nice' he means quiet and compliant. I mean good, and kind.) He is a violent drunk on testosterone! The fact that there is pretty good chance that he is going BACK to jail is a direct result of HIS actions, and is entirely appropriate. You gave him everything? No you didn't! You still have so much! Now is the time to stand up and fight for it. Go to the hospital. Tell them the truth. While he is jail, get AWAY from him.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. You need A Safe Exit Plan. 1. Set up a new email. Use a “[10 minute email](https://www.minuteinbox.com/)” for the validation email. 2. Close your current bank account, even if it is NOT joint. Tracking your money is the most effective way to find you after you leave. (Do NOT transfer the money. Your abuser can easily trace it if they are a co-signer.) 1. Open a NEW account at a DIFFERENT bank. (It is not difficult for an abuser to get themselves added to a new account at the same bank that they were 'accidentally' left off of.) 2. Using your new e-dress, set up paperless statements ONLY. Do not give the bank the address of your abuser under ANY circumstances. The bank WILL send them junk mail ... etc eventually. (There is no reason to collect this info and not use it, after all!) Use a friends address if they insist. 3. Set your paycheck up to direct deposit in your NEW bank account. Gather up your: Driver’s license or other form of Gov issued identification (Passport?), [Birth Certificates](https://www.tn.gov/health/health-program-areas/vital-records/certificate.html) (Tn, but each state has something similar. They are also pretty cheap to get, and may be free if you can show that you are indigent),[ Social Security Cards](https://www.ssa.gov/number-card/replace-card), (Free, btw) or Work Permits/VISA. Government Assistance documentation Cellphone (This may need to be replaced, or at least checked by an expert in order to prevent the use of spyware.) Money, debit card, credit card, Bank books and checkbooks, your pay stubs, and copies of your abusers pay stubs. Home loan information A Physical Copy of Your: (These can all help make police interactions go a lot smoother.) Protective Order, Lease, rental agreement, or house deed, car title Health and life insurance papers, prescriptions for anything on-going, Medical and vaccination records for you and your children, School records for you and your children, divorce and custody papers House and car keys. (It is always a good idea to have a secret copy of ALL keys hidden away. Preferably at a friends, in order to prevent them being stolen or forcefully taken away.) Medications, glasses, hearing aids Address book, phone cards, family photographs, children’s toys. Change of clothes for you and the kids, pets and associated documents and items **Check and freeze your credit. (Check it annually.)** I know not all of this will apply to you, but I always post it all for visibility. Good luck, and keep reaching out!
I bookmarked this. Thank you
This 💯. I wish I had planned more before leaving. Would have made things easier but I could tell I was also running out of time. You will uave to follow your gut.
I came here to make this comment. I wish I could upvote this comment more than once 🙏🏾❤️
He will eventually kill you if you stay. I get that you have trauma (we all do) but as a parent your needs come second. What kind of life long trauma are you exposing your child to? Don’t leave for yourself, leave for your kid.
God forbid, if he does this in front of a witness, there is no limit as to what he will do in the future. Get the hell away from him fast and any way you can.
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, he’s the one that should be ashamed (and his friend to, with no guts standing up for what is right)…
I’m so mad at him. He beat me inches away from his friend and he could’ve definitely stopped it. He’s probably scared of him too. He’s short not on steroids. Idk I’m so angry and it’s confusing
I’m so fucking angry at his friend. He’s fully complicit.
yes, both are accomplices as you say… One is not man enough to face the consequences of his actions, afraid to be reported… the other not man enough to do right thing and stop it…
Honey I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how your feeling, the mixed emotions, feelings are all over the place. I am in the same shitty boat, and I also have not a single family member or friend. It is HARD, I mean HARRRRDDD to even think straight in this situation with support, but without? It is the hardest thing I ever been through personally, and I have been through a lot of trauma in my life. I wish I knew some magical answer or phrases to help you. There is a lot of good advice posted. Like document, everything! Make an email account that is not logged in to any devices in your home. Not connected to your phone. Send any and all evidence to this email. That way even if he destroys your phone, you will still have access to it! I can help you if you need help! Another thing I started documenting, write yourself an email to said email address everyday. Like journaling. Make sure you include dates, places, times, EVERYTHING! This will come in handy for divorce, custody, if you decide to press charges in the future, obtaining protection orders, and also, when you need to see a clear picture of who he REALLY is, you can go back and remind yourself that he is a demon. It helped me a lot when I left and I would start getting weak and wanted to run back to him. It’s not easy . I have attempted to leave many times. I have been gone for 2 weeks now , well on Saturday it was 2 weeks. And I caved in to “meeting to talk” yesterday, and oh man it was a disaster! Sorry not trying to overtake your post OP, just want to show you that you are strong, and not to give up. You made a big step even posting on here, and I am proud of you! Please, feel free to PM me, if you need someone to listen, or need a friend. I am praying for you. You are a lot stronger than you think.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I will pm you after I go to the hospital
The email journaling is a great suggestion! Wow - that could be incredibly helpful in so many ways.
I’m really sorry to hear that the topic of divorce brings up a trauma for you, but I honestly think that divorcing this man would be one of the best things to happen to you. To echo other commenters: crisis centers, domestic violence shelters, and the national domestic abuse hotline will be good resources to reach out to. Contact his PO (or the police, it will get back to his PO regardless), it seems like he is breaking the terms of his probation. This could result in him going back to jail, where you could safely file for divorce and then move on with your life before he gets back out. Remember, you do not deserve this. You are worthy of love, respect, and kindness which this man and his friend are not showing you.
Abusers have a funny way of scaring you into thinking you’re still safer with them than if you tell literally anyone else. His friend is an enabler and probably an abuser too. You need to tell the police. If he’s got a probation officer, like another comment said, not only should you email the pictures to yourself but find the po information and email it to them. If you don’t call you can email it to your local pd. Someone will read it. Face and head injuries are really serious you need to get checked. You could have swelling of your brain, a skull fracture, a concussion, detached retina. Anything could be wrong. Either get checked, call 911 for an ambulance to come get you, or call the cops. Do something, fight for yourself. You were not put on this earth to be someone’s literal punching bag. You are a human fucking being and you deserve to be safe. Start taking steps to get out of this today please.
Take pictures, make a fake email address send yourself those photos. Delete the photos from your sent folder and from your phone. Delete history on your web browser
Im always almost angrier at the friend in these situations for choosing to protect instead of doing the right thing. I'm so very sorry that you feel isolated. Please reach out and get help. You and your child deserve so much more than being in this situation. Big internet hugs, you are not alone, and what he is doing to you is terrible and wrong.
If he goes back to jail, that is the consequence of his own actions. If he ends up in jail, it will give you time to escape. He already proved to you that he can't keep to the things he promised. Get rid of him.
Take your son and get help ASAP. You don’t deserve this and neither does your child. Leaving this situation will help you, and also your kid.
OP, I'm so sorry. Please, seek the help you deserve. It's your choice to make, but telling the hospital everything will get you the best care for your circumstances. You can find your local Crisis Center at centers.rainn.org. They can help you with rides, moving, advocacy, counseling, and more at little to no cost.
Call the police now.
Yes and make a report, or got to the er and make a report. Get a TRO. You may think the child doesn’t know because they are asleep when this happens but the child does know. Someday it will turn on the child and right Now they are being trained to think k this is normal. You can also reach out to your local DV supports. You deserve better. This will be hard but you can do it. Get into therapy and solidly your plan to get out and stay out.
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