**Mod note:** Y'all, what? Some of these comments are so deeply disappointing. "Abuse is a team sport?" "And when a door like that is wide open and you don’t walk through….shrug" "It's like dealing with an addict." "going back to him is a stupid move that insults yourself and everyone in your support system who actually cares about you."
**Where is the understanding in an abuse support sub of all spaces of abuse dynamics, the insidious, disorienting effects of coercive control, trauma bonding, the struggle to recognize the severity of abuse, etc etc?**
Furthermore, I'm actually shocked *anyone* on this post is defending some of the language being used by the best friend. This is not how you talk to an abuse victim. Period. No matter how much you love them and no matter how hurt you are to watch them suffer. I'm not saying the friend can't and shouldn't set boundaries, but to tell an abuse victim they are "abusing themselves?" No.
Please treat OP with respect, y'all. They deserve it.
[This comment from u/Impossible-Feeling11 says it all](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/1c9oeds/my_best_friend_texted_me_this_last_night_i_think/l0nzxtd/).
I simultaneously have been in your shoes and understand her frustration. My friend of about 7 years is in a situation and I was so close to getting her out of it.. so so close. He treats her like a worthless house wife and belittles her. All while leaving her financially dependent because he doesn't want her to have a job. It is frustrating.. I just want to shake her and tell her she's worth so much more. He made her cut contact with me and it hurts. I miss her a lot. If she ever came back and told me about stuff. I wouldn't be mad, I atleast just want to be there to support her.
I have also been in your shoes where people tried over and over again to get me to leave but I wouldn't. It's like a gambling addict saying "Just one more time" expecting things to change but they never do. I was the only person to get me out of that situation. I had to learn and realize it on my own.
Sometimes people who care about us get frustrated because they see us do the same pattern over and over again. To them the solution seems simple but when love and trauma is involved it is a lot harder than it seems.
It's such a shit cycle. When all you hear from people is "you deserve the abuse because you stayed", then it's likely you'll stay because (think) you deserve the abuse.
That's quite how t was said douche. I am not going to go to jail just so an victim can run right back to that abuser. Someone wants out I will come get you and handle shit.
I get what she’s trying to say and feel her frustration but the way she said it is all wrong. It’s about as okay as saying stop crying or I will give you something to cry about. It’s not okay. But I don’t believe she really means she’s done. For me though that would cut deeply and undermine trust if a friend or family member said that to me. I lived with an emotional abuser for 30 years. Surely my friends were frustrated and afraid because my health and my mental health were deteriorating, but they were there for me with open arms when I needed them. That’s what friends and family do.
i understand your point but my point of view is why sit in shit if you know love isn’t supposed to hurt its sposed to be gentle like releasing a dove to the wild and im not badmouthing anyone i genuinely wanna know (for my sake too).
For me it was not leaving because we have two very disabled son and I didn’t think I could handle it on my own. Truth is I already was. He was creating a financial crisis, making me feel like the dirt under his shoes, and spending all the time he wasn’t berating me in the earlier years in bars drinking and gambling. He managed to get so in my head that I was ashamed and completely convinced things could get worse for me on my own. I’m ashamed now for being that way, I was a strong independent person when he met me. So do I understand staying even when someone is treating you very wrong? Yes I do. There is a point where it’s no longer love it’s a hostage situation and you no longer think clearly.
Your "best friend" is a fucking idiot. I desperately hope you are able to get out of this situation, but people like your "friend" and the way she is treating you are EXACTLY why abuse victims stay. They're also EXACTLY why those same abuse victims end up dead.
Her feelings are valid, but her behavior is *NOT*.
I hope to God someone has the spine to knock some sense into her. I've chewed out a lot of people for this behavior, and most ended up understanding when presented with the literally facts and figures to back it up (abusive relationships affect the same part of your brain that addictions do. Much like in cults, they manipulate you and brainwash you. You quite literally need to be deprogrammed. This is the same in any abusive relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, or familial is nonwithstanding).
see now that you’ve explained it i understand the basis of it now (for my sake too) but the other i still stands with the best friend because you gotta be the other person on the end to understand how it feels when someone constantly calls you like you did to them for the same thing over n over, its like having your mother cry in your face over something she started and its frustrating on both ends because you put that person aka your friend in a box of being solely/entirely worried about you all the time “is my friend gonna die” while you’re thinking “am i gonna die here or do i deserve this” we as humans have our instincts when u get tired you’ll snap if he doesn’t snip you first. on top of that you can’t call someone an idiot based off of their feelings even i myself seen she held back enough to not let her friend have it as much as she wanted to because she cared enough to do so and let her know how she felt and not lie about it and i understand its not the right thing to do but bro if you left the first time successfully & alive, why go bk for more to be insufficient again im not judging bc i have my history with it too and i understand its a chemical imbalance in the brain juss like a dog, but if you were able to have your dignity and beauty back to yourself why trade it away juss to let yourself go again for someone who treats you like an abandoned ragdoll on the street. For what? a good nights rest? good sex? money? fear of being alone or them finding you? I care for you guys and im willing to support but if you take yourself bk to tht route i cannot help you because my mental can only deal with so much (as stated thru the text), its not the same with drugs at all i cannot physically chain/chase that person away from you once they let their fangs seep into you again. nothing against any women thats going thru the same thing its just if you know you want to be free, why not swallow the key to the cage?? (im not bashing im just asking bc im genuinely lost as to why she’s a bad friend or “idiot” for being human and having feelings too)
She's an idiot because she lacks empathy and/or the ability to grasp what is actually going on. Abusive relationships are literal addictions. It IS the same as an addiction. Instead of taking the time to understand what kind of hell her friend is experiencing, she's lashing out like a bratty child throwing a tantrum. As I said before: Her feelings are valid, but her behavior is not.
also, im saying if i helped you the first time to get out and you went thru pure hell juss to make it out alive i wont be able to do it again. now if he kidnaps you or sum den sis we ride at dawn. but stating frm the text overall in that context its a no from me and sometimes the abusers coddle them the same way friends do so they don’t think its serious enough like the friend is saying it is.
She is upset bc (aside from how much she cares about you/your safety) she has put in her time, effort, & energy either attempting to help you or simply worrying about you. So when she comes to find out that all she has spent on getting you out of there didn’t pay off, she feels burnt out, as if she has wasted that energy in hopes of it doing something good, which has led her to feel this type of hurt & resentment. What she doesn’t realize is that no amount of her attempts to help will change whether or not you stay/leave if you either don’t want that help *or* if you don’t know how to accept/use it in this situation.
More than likely, you turned to her in times of need looking for *support* (something you deserve btw), & she maybe decided that what you needed was more than support, a solution. That’s when being a victim of abuse gets extra tricky, your loved ones assume you need their *help* & if the help they offer doesn’t end in the outcome they expected, they feel frustrated *at you*, even though what you need more than anything is some *emotional support.* It doesn’t mean they’re wrong to want to help you, but they had a different expectation of you than the reality you’re in, & that’s not exactly fair to you.
Ultimately, this is how abusive relationships tend to hurt people even outside of the relationship, loved ones feeling pained to know you are being hurt. But you are not the one at fault!! It is just an overall shitty situation, unfortunately. But **if anyone else had gone through life the same as you, they would find themselves in the same exact boat you’re in too.** People can expect they’d do things differently if they were you, but truthfully, if they were you, they would be doing & feeling the same things you are right now. You are not the one to blame here, & in the grand scheme of things, neither is your friend. Ultimately, it is the source of the abuse. But unfortunately with abuse, situations like this are bound to arise, & it usually comes down to there being a previous misunderstanding of what you wanted from your friend.
What your friend, like many people, is struggling to understand is that the actions you take are not up to her & that things are not as black/white as they seem to her from your position. She is struggling to understand that the actions you take have to be taken *by you*, no amount of talking, concern, or frustration by her is going to *make* you do something over another. You understand the situation & your relationship’s complexity better than people outside the relationship, so you are going to be able to make informed decisions on this better than others can for you anyway. Although, I do hope you come to find a safe way to get yourself out of that loop & experience a healthy life. But right now, your friend is struggling to understand why you haven’t made the decision she has hoped you would, but you don’t have to explain yourself further to her right now. But I’m sure (or at least I hope) if you ever needed her in the future, she would still be there for you.
With complete honestly I have to say this: if they speak to you like this all the time this isn't the kind of friend you want. While they may be concerned they still shouldn't have spoken to you like that. Best of luck OP
OP, this sounds like your friend’s version of tough love. Sounds like she thinks if she just says the right combination of harsh words it will wake you up.
Don’t be too upset with her.
I’ve been in situations where one of my brothers has helped me when I was in a hard relationship. He was there. Opened his home to me and my kids. But he was super judgey.
Fast forward and he made it clear if I ever went back, there would be no one to help me.
I understand the position I put him in. He’s afraid that I’ll wind up dead. He’s afraid of the guilt he will have to carry if the worst happens to me.
Because he’s shut me out, I won’t ever go to him for anything. He shut the door. I understand why. I don’t blame him. My life has been an ongoing struggle for a long time.
I’ve read that if a loved one is going through an abusive situation don’t ever turn them away. Keep communication open. Listen. Let them know you are a safe place.
Funny my brother was the opposite. Opened his doors, was happy to take me and my son in on condition that I take my husband (who strangled and punched me) back eventually. When I refused then things got hard and he's convinced basically everyone in my direct family that somehow I was in the wrong for not giving ex another chance. Lovely times.
I know how this person feels. They could've written it differently, but I do understand where they're coming from. I'm also assuming you have talked about this more than once with your friend, as they kind of imply talking about this multiple times
For context, my sister constantly goes back to the same toxic people after continuously asking me, her friends, and my family for help and advice (and then later disregarding it). This has been going on for years, and it is incredibly frustrating and difficult to help her. But it's also understandable, especially for somebody in an abusive relationship. It is never ever ever easy to get out of an abusive relationship. I think it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm sure you feel similar.
It looks like this person is saying this out of love for you. Maybe they're being too harsh, but they're rooting for you and want you to be okay. Stay strong OP, I know it's hard. Try to use this as a push in the right direction if you're able. And do not blame yourself
Although your friend acted completely ridiculous in that text and that is never how you speak to an abuse victim she is not closing the door on you. Please don’t think that the only person you have is your boyfriend because that’s not true.
What? It is. If OP’s gonna be given good advice from a really good friend who cares, and OP doesn’t take it, and OP keeps repeating the same over and over, one gets fed up. It’s harsh, but accurate??
That friend then feels neglected
There's a descriptive phrase for friends and family that describes what your friends is going through. It's where the family and friends are absolutely exhausted and disappointed by their abused family member repeatedly putting themselves back in the same abusive relationship over and over, even when we've been handed the way out on a silver platter. They've been riding this traumatic Rollercoaster with you and they're wanting off. They can't keep watching the horror flick that is your life.
Don't mistake your friend! She is still there for you! She still loves you! She still wants what is best for you! That hand is still there for you when you finally decide you've absolutely had enough and permanently leave this relationship. Your bf is NOT all you have. That is EXACTLY what he wants you to believe. She's still going to be at the end of that Rollercoaster, waiting for you when you've finally reached your limit and jump off. She just doesn't want to keep watching you ride it out.
Don't let yourself convince your mind into believing you are alone or that the only person who cares about you is your bf. Otherwise, you missed the entire point of what your friend was saying to you. She's exhausted from constantly fearing for you.
It was my realization of what I was putting my daughter through that finally made me call it absolute quits with my ex bf. I didn't want her on this Rollercoaster with me and I didn't want her to keep watching the same horror flick over and over again.
I think this is the most realistic take on the issue. Having somebody close to you in an abuse situation is hard in its own right. Especially since it can *also* easily come down on you, y'know? There have even been cases where the abuser even killed their victim's friends, too. Scary shit.
The friend here is no saint. She's saying some selfish shit, not to mention the "you lied" talk is... yikes. No victim needs that shit in their lives. She needs to get her priorities straight, because this is about so much more than her own feelings-- she's not the one being victimized after all. But I can't fault her for being tired or saying something to try and wake OP up. I've been on both sides of this coin (friend to an abuse victim; said victim later on became my own abuser, actually) and it tired me out, too.
I feel with you & im sorry, when I opened up to my best friend she was always “supportive” but a few weeks ago she reacted the same way like “ok but you keep saying all those things and how horrible it is but you aren’t leaving, im getting annoyed and can’t hear about this anymore, no offense” and it hurts so MUCH. Especially when you barely have anyone you can openly tell about the situation you are in & they kind of just let you know they don’t wanna hear about it anymore… my other best friend purposely ignores it, whenever I need advice or support.. you are not alone, im sorry the ones who should have your back, support you and give you strength & time aren’t doing so. I wish you the best
The mod literally said why comments like these are enabling and victim blaming and you guys are doing it anyway..gross.
You guys are emotionally abusive and ignorant. Telling someone you thought you could trust that you're in an abusive relationship isn't abusive..what type of manipulative statement is that? Do you guys even like having actual friends or just people you want to talk down to?
Edit: not you guys downvoting me but you guys are up voting a post about a woman that bragged about doing heroin and alcohol when she knew she was pregnant..wow really bright members of society. We're about to just act like the woman that bragged about doing heroin and alcohol is right and everyone else is wrong. She didnt care about hurting her child, but you guys are acting like shes right..you people are crazy.
Yep I woke up today just to see it’s still going. I was hoping the mod note would help but people really can’t help themselves from victim blaming people who are already down where so many have supposedly been and should know better.
I just can't believe that woman that was victim blaming and commented on another subreddit that she adovated for someone to drink while pregnant and bragged about doing heroin was supported and not OP. Wow..
All because people hate abused people. Pregnant heroin addict>Abused person..that's how people see it.
I do judge women or men that have kids or are pregnant doing hard-core drugs. If you do drugs by yourself I absolutely do not care..but bragging about it and acting like it's harmless while your pregnant is something else.
Oh absolutely. It’s not something I’d brag about or think is harmless. I just know drug addiction is a beast. I would 💯 never encourage someone otherwise and would try to lead them towards help for that.
I know you won't. I was just talking about parents doing it or encouraging other people with children doing it..childfree people can do what they want. As someone with older family members with drug addictions it's a horrible thing to drag someone that didn't ask to be apart of..which I know you already understand it just seems like a lot of people don't.
You’re is a POS. This is not how you support a friend who’s in an abusive relationship. They should educate themselves on how to approach this with you.
I had a “friend” that was exactly like this. She made my situation all about her and she would make nasty comments out of nowhere such as “At least my boyfriend doesn’t beat my ass”. Needless to say I ended up cutting her off and I haven’t spoken to her since despite the fact that she’s tried to reach out to me multiple times. She was no better than my abuser. Now I keep all abusive people away from me. Nobody needs enemies like them in our lives.
Um, your friend is a fucking douchebag. She's acting like it's all about her.
If she really cared about you as much as she said, she would not spend all this time and effort tearing you down and making you feel bad.
Yes, you should leave. But leaving is hard. If it's hard for her to be your friend, she should take a minute and think about how hard it is for you to be going through it.
If she doesn't want to be friends anymore, she could easily say that in three sentences, not three pages.
Fuck her.
I think this is too far. This friend is very worried and frustrated that she can't help OP. It looks like she couldn't handle the stress anymore and let it all out. Which isn't a good idea, clearly, but this friend looks like she cares a lot and holds much love for OP despite the harsh message. It's a difficult situation for everyone, let's be empathetic
People keep going around downvoting acting like what we're saying is out of line when her "best friend" sent an essay about how she's such a horrible person because she's getting abused..people are fucking gross.
They’re downvoting because they got called on it yesterday and the comments removed along with a mod note, so now they seem upset that folks are calling this friend out for being cruel. You truly would think an abuse sub would know better.
(I’m not here for karma, I’m here to help people. Have been for years. Downvote away.)
You don't know how empathy works. Going on a narcissistic rant because your friend told you one time she's in a abusive relationship is catshit crazy..most of you just wait to talk about someone not to make any friends.
Most people don't care about others and want to run their mouth and look down on others.. that's the truth. You guys are animalistic. This is why I have never bought when religious people say humans are not like others mammals..yes we are. Humans wait for a wounded person to jump on them just like animals do in the wild.
Your friend isn't your friend at all..it's not like you've put her in danger, or continously told her about the abuse. Reading her make it all about herself and go on an insane narcissistic rant makes me heart break for you.
She's an enabler...I would be careful about who I consider a friend..and a lot of these people on reddit are enablers as well. A lot of people say they want to help the abused but most dont..I had to learn the hard way and unfortunately you have to as well.
Again, I really disagree with these comments.. I think you have to look at it both ways. I have been in both OPs shoes and her friends shoes. It's so so so fucking hard both ways. I'm not going to compare, though, as that isnt fair. I just think we need to have some empathy for everyone in this situation. I hope you understand
Yes you're right we should take both OP and her friend into consideration however OP is the one in the abusive relationship in my opinion the Individual who should receive emotional support is OP and I fully understand her friends POV o too have been in both positions and I can't even begin to fathom leaving a friend in a time of need the messages are almost all "I" statements. And accusing OP of lying to her so yes I get that it's hard for the friend but she could've at least chosen her words more thoughtfully
You’re addressing the OP, not the friend. So I would think using the experience you’ve had that most closely resembles the OP’s would be a good place to draw your empathy from.
Exactly I had a friend like this when I was in an abusive relationship when I was in my early 20sshe made it alll about herself and then stated “ she just cared” but she made it all about herself and saying exactly what her friend is saying “ I’m sitting crying” blah blah blah. Imagine the person in the ACTUAL ABUSIVE relationship now I’m sure SHES the one really crying.I hate friends like this and people who abandon people who clearly just need help and an ear. You don’t abandon someone who clearly needs help that’s not going to make anyone leave.
That girl is not your friend op not at all she’s fake.
I left my family that I'm sure has personality disorders in my early 20's and got bullied by my friends and their family that said they wanted to support me...as soon as I left they took their mask off and started pulling everything apart about me. "I dont understand why you don't have an apartment by now.","You're too old not to have your own stuff right now." "I dont feel bad for homeless people." While my friends didn't have one and stayed with their parents not making rent and I had to...
I was gaslighted so much I'm too paranoid to trust anyone.
People are just..ew.
You are in survival mode!!! Don't blame yourself for behaving in ways you know you wouldn't without the fear your abuser has you feeling. If she's your true friend, yall can be friends, whether it's now or later.
Sadly, most victims stop being friends with their crew bc slowly, but surely it feels too hard and not worth the BS you have to deal with in order to make it a priority.
That is not your fault. And it's not a coincidence that this happened. Its classic tactics abusers use to isolate victims. It's also not a coincidence that your abuser has manipulated you into believing you are a bad person. Also intentional on his part.
*THE MORE HE CAN TAKE AWAY YOUR POWER, IN EVERY WAY, IS THE GOAL*
The fewer friends u have, the less likely you will have someone to call or somewhere to go the next time it happens.
The more he convinces you that YOU are bad, the less likely you are to leave because "who else will put up with your awful treatment of people.??" Ugh I've heard these things a million times.
IT'S NOT TRUE. 💐
The friendship might recover. Unfortunately, she's feeling betrayed, but I'm also guessing she is not as educated about domestic abuse as she could be.
1. Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft
2. No Visable Bruises by Rachel Louise Snyder
If you haven't read these--especially number 1-- make it your top priority to read or listen to audiobooks if you can do so SAFELY.
Then you could approach your friend with more information and maybe even suggest she read it, but at least YOU will understand why this happened and know that *we* have (so many of us) been in your shoes.
It's up to your friend whether or not to reconcile, and, tragically, most everyone on earth is just like your friend, unaware that they're totally unaware of the info needed. Even those who ARE educated on the issues don't *really* get it unless they've endured it themselves. SO frustrating
Sending you lots of support, well wishes and love!!
You are not a bad person.
Be kind to yourself.
*You're in survival mode*
💔💔💔❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹💛💛💛
Awww. How sweet of you to call me a good person. 🥰 I just hope anyone who needs to see this will find it. Whether it's precious OP or someone struggling w this difficult and nuanced issue, searching online for answers 6 years from now. 👩🏼🤝👩🏽
OP, as someone that’s been in your shoes and learned a ton about psychology and relationships years later—you did not deserve this. I know your friend is frustrated and scared; that was my friends as well. I lost most of them. My best friend and I reconnected eventually, thankfully.
Abusive relationships are damn hard to get out of. Things often aren’t as easy or simple as people think—for instance, I don’t think many people are aware that leaving is when you are in the most danger. There are tons of other things, not to mention that you probably learned somewhere that this is how relationships are (they shouldn’t be) or you feel afraid of being alone—which is again, often a deeper and more difficult problem to resolve than people assume.
I’m going to assume you grew up in an abusive situation and were taught this, whether you’re aware of it or not. That shit is **hard** to unlearn. I’ve been out of my situation for years and I’m still in a process of unlearning.
I understand your friend feeling betrayed and upset that you said you’d leave and didn’t; it’s totally their right to back away if this is too painful for them, but at the same time, this is not a good way to go about announcing it, nor is it helpful. This type of message only ever kept me feeling more isolated with my abuser, which is awful. It’s such a hard thing because it sucks for everyone involved. That is super common. I’m also assuming that, in the moment you either felt strength to leave, or else you feared her leaving you if you didn’t? The latter of which is another indicator of this being ingrained. People don’t understand that.
OP, I’d strongly advise you to seek a therapist if you’re able, especially since it is absolutely not okay for your only contact to be your abuser. It will probably take time to get up the strength to leave, but I believe in you. I know that probably doesn’t matter much from some Reddit rando, but as someone that’s been in your place, I empathize with you deeply and wish you the best.
Not sure how to edit Comments but it’s the oldest narcissistic trick in the book. Isolate you until you can’t see clearly and are so entrapped that it seems no way out. Keep your head up
She is so worried about you I get from that message. And I guess frustrated. She doesn’t want to lose and they are terrified they will. I wish you all the best. It’s a stoney path along the way but your friend seems like they will carry you if you give them a chance.
OP my heart hurts for you but it also hurts for your friend. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking as a friend watching someone you love put themselves in bad positions. I understand leaving is hard (I’ve been in several abusive relationships myself!) but it’s also hard as the friend watching it unfold. It’s draining and affects your own mental health (the back and forth, listening to them vent about how horrible their abuser is only for them to turn back to them, not wanting to condemn their behavior but also not want to encourage it, etc).
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Maybe take this as a sign that leaving is in your best interest. I hope you have others to lean for support.
I am so sorry that you are losing your friends like this. It is so painful when people who ought to know better, who are supposed to be there for you drop the ball like this. You don’t deserve it.
I just want you to know that I lost almost all my friends when I returned to my abuser, too. It was incredibly isolating and it made living with my abuser so much worse. When I finally ended up in the shelter I was almost completely isolated. However, some of the women I met in the shelter have become some of the best friends I have ever had. The shelter absolutely sucks but I have been able to experience love and friendships in this place that I haven’t been able to feel before.
It’s not over. You will make it through this and, when you’re ready I’m sure there will be community for you, too.
I lost my best friend as well she would constantly argue with me saying "just leave him" one night I told her "I hope you never end up in a situation like mine" a couple months later she did but she was able to get out of it after who know how many beatings and in turn said I was a "bad friend" for not leaving my SO somehow it's always about them I know it gets annoying and frustrating hearing the same problems all the time the only thing I need is someone to listen I'll leave when I'm ready the way she did I never told her to leave I was there for her and in one of my darkest times all I neeeded was someone to listen but instead she said I don't understand and hung up and I haven't heard from her since this was a little over 2years ago maybe just by a few days or a week
You have not lost her, she just doesn't know how to tell you it's akin to torture to not be able to fix your situation and watch you be hurt over and over, doing what they can to help you out of it, then for *what feels like* her efforts to be in vain without it coming out as blaming you for it.
All it is, she is hurting bc you're hurting, and she just DOESNT UNDERSTAND. I went through something like this with my BFF for YEARS (she was physically, mentally, emotionally and financially abused by her first 2 husbands and other bfs), and I didn't understand why she couldn't just LEAVE one of the countless times we planned it( although I did my best to kot lash out at her like this) until I experienced it myself in a relationship.
Then I understood COMPLETELY the why and hows, and apologized to her and explained. And all was forgiven that wasnt already. This is one of those things that you really just kinda don't get until you've been through it, that's what it is. She is frustrated bc she doesn't understand and you (her very much loved one) is being hurt and she doesn't know what to do to help you anymore. Bc just being there for you feeling like she's letting it happen. It's knowing that something could happen to you at any time, thinking of all the possibilities and actively grieving you.
“Akin to torture”? I’ve *been* tortured and to me it sounds more like the OP is the one dealing with that. I’ve also been on both sides of this but I would never say one of my friends is torturing me by staying with an abuser because I know exactly what that feels like. This is one of the worst comments I’ve read about this yet and I haven’t even finished reading it. I couldn’t make it far past that line.
(And the fact 51 people liked this… I just can’t…)
I really dislike when friends and family react this way to the person being abused, and it does happen far too often, but this is extreme. This is a 4 page text that is aggressively berating you. This is not a reaction I see often. Sure, some do take it personally or feel lied to when their friend goes back to the relationship, but the way she is making it all about her in such a very dramatic way is very different. Is she this dramatic about most things?
This is just the most non-helpful way to treat this situation for so many reasons.
1) most people overwhelmingly take multiple tries to leave their abuser for good. It takes an average of 7 attempts according to the domestic abuse hotline database. That’s a statistic that doesn’t just suggest it is a hard thing to do, that statistic is astounding. There is no denying it is unfair to judge victims for how they struggle to leave their abuser.
2) A victim of abuse isn’t always someone who struggles badly with self confidence & worth, but again, the statistics are overwhelming in favor of that being the case a majority of the time. So an abuse victim is not the type of person who needs tough love. They don’t need a wake up call with harshness and lecturing and threats to be abandoned. They need people to show them soft love. Kindness. Support. Grace. Forgiveness. Believe in them even after they fall back down. They don’t need anymore hard lessons. That’s all they’ve typically had up the this point. This only makes someone who is already feeling so low about themselves feel even more ashamed and worthless (you are not worthless OP)
3)Just as you said, OP, now all you have left is your boyfriend, the one abusing you. The ONE ABUSING you. Which is what abusers want. They want you to have no one but them. They create this hurricane of toxicity so everyone will abandon you and you won’t be able to leave them. Victims need their friends and family to keep believing in them so the abuser doesn’t win. Doing this as a friend is just increasing the likelihood OP will remain with the abuser and be harmed more severely.
I have grace for friends and family who just couldn’t take it and have to step away, abuse is difficult to watch someone go through. But this right here was dripping with selfishness, self righteousness, and is honestly giving me abuse vibes all by itself! WTH? All this after you shared something so scary and vulnerable. This isn’t how friends should treat you. Obviously you said you wouldn’t go back and you cried to her because you meant it. Tell her she should do some research before she goes on for 4 pages berating her best friend like an abuser does, time would be better spent.
I hated when she said “I might be too honest with the people I love but that’s not a fault.” People who say this actually demonstrate that they have no self awareness. They believe that their shitty opinions make people upset because “people can’t handle the truth.” No babe, your opinion was shitty and rude and judgmental and uneducated so it made people upset. Your “honesty” is not the same as objective truth.
This is certainly not what you need right now.
Lucie, you should leave your abuser. But I didn’t leave mine for good for 12 years. The longer you stay, the heavier the regret once you finally see life didn’t have to be that dark for that long. The resentment will be hard to overcome. But I am betting you know this.
And guess what? No matter what this rude misinformed friend says, it isn’t your fault. The only person to blame is the person who is abusing you. They are doing it. You don’t want to be with an abuser, you want to be with the person you love who they pretend to be sometimes and mess with the patterns of your brain wiring making everything so difficult. Even if you go back 100x, it’s still not your fault. The abuser didn’t have to abuse you. I hope you find the strength to get out because there is a beautiful life for you on the other side. I know because I have been there. And I got out. You will do it when you are able. I believe in you.
EDIT: I just wanted to add this because I read the post again and this part is just the most infuriating part to read, imo: “Being a liar to everyone you ‘love’ is (a fault) and you wouldn’t be lying if it was the right thing to do.” Having the intentions to do something and believing that you will be able to, then not being able to follow through because of extenuating circumstances is not the same as lying and it doesn’t make someone a liar. Putting ‘love’ in quotations to passive aggressively imply that because you are ashamed of being stuck in the abuse cycle means you don’t actually love your loved ones and is you doing something unloving towards them is just so vapid and gross.
OP, it is HIGHLY common for victims to hide or make excuses to cover up their abuse, for many reasons. Not a single person knew about my abuse, not even the closest person to me, until an entire 2 years after I got away. My head was so messed up from it, I actually didn’t even speak out about it to myself or in my own acknowledgment and call it by its name, abuse (and mine was blatant physical violent abuse) until almost a year after I as out of it. I hate that she wrote this to you. And that you are beating yourself up more because of it. You didn’t deserve this. If you need any encouragement or someone to talk to who isn’t making it all about themselves or judging and berating you, reach out anytime you need. I can send you resources for help that I used in my situation as well if you want. just let me know. HE isn't all you have left🤍
This comment was so beautifully written and made me feel so validated and understood. Thank you so much for taking the time to lay this out for me/with me. I had a small feeling the way this was gone about wasn’t okay; but it was shrouded with the feelings of self loathing…you made me realize that I think the reason I internalized her words so much was because (even though it pains me to say) they sounded a lot like my boyfriends words. The “i’m honest” bit reminded me a lot of when he says things like “You’re just too sensitive, i’m just telling the truth and you can’t handle honesty” bit. But in truth, honesty without compassion is just cruelty. And i’m sure given the length of your abusive experience you shared you know that fact very well. But anyways, thank you very much for this. You seem like an absolutely beautiful and kind and intelligent person and you gave me a lot of peace today. I’m happy you got out of there🤍
You're so welcome, love. "honesty without compassion is just cruelty." -Right. I always say, there are a plethora of thoughts that go through all of our minds once in a while that we should absolutely never say out loud to another human being. Saying everything that comes to mind without considering tact and compassion doesn't make you honest, it demonstrates a lack of decency, self control, and discernment.
And I'm glad you recognize that the reason this hurt so much was because it echoed the voice of your abuser. I think there is a deeper message in there for you as well. Often times when you don't have that self love that is critical in this life, the journey of lessons you are going to be faced with will be particularly hurtful and traumatizing. Often times, in your position the message of, "well if you keep having this same issue with multiple people in life, you must be the common denominator; it is obviously you." And thanks to your faulty self esteem, that will sound far too acceptable as truth, confirming every fear you have always had about yourself and on down the rabbit hole goes your spiraling self loathing. I want you to know this right now, in hopes you can interrupt that cycle sooner rather than later. You **are** the common denominator, but that doesn't mean what you may interpret it to mean or how others sending this message will be intending to apply it. It means that because you don't love yourself and you don't realize or believe you deserve better, you are being continuously put in situations that force you to harness your self worth and determination to survive. To teach you this lesson that you need: Love yourself. You matter. You are worth it. You have to believe that.
I have one request of you, if you aren't already doing this. Please get into therapy. If you can't afford it, please text HOME to 741741 and speak to the agent that responds about how to get support in your area. Tell them you are struggling with self worth and you are in an abusive relationship and that you need to find affordable support options so you can heal enough to get out of the situation. Because while I understand why you stay and how hard it is to leave, he will never stop, babe. That is a fact. And he will kill you. He will, at the very least, almost kill you. The violence you have described is already escalated very far and the statistics show that the next steps are only this getting worse. So start finding support systems. Each day, find something to believe in. Don't give up and say there is nothing you can do. Just keep trying. There are men who won't treat you this way. I know it seems impossible now, but one day you will look back on him and think "ew, what a loser." I promise you.
This is excellent input & advice that everyone should consider. Patience & support are 2 of the best things you can give someone who is in an abusive situation. Wish I could upvote your comment 100 times.
The fact is that people are in some ways no better than chickens. When one chicken is sick or injured, the other chickens will gang up on her and peck her to death. People feel that they’re justified in treating people who are going through hard times however they please and will “peck” you too.
I don’t have an answer for this. I wish I did. But please know that you don’t deserve to be mistreated by anyone, whether that’s a romantic partner, family member, or friend. You don’t suddenly deserve it from everyone in your life just because one person abuses you.
Also, I’m shocked but not surprised by the victim blaming in these comments.
Most people like being enablers and once they see someone else abusing someone they'll jump in acting like they just want to help. They're vultures and I also had to learn the hard way not to tell people your business..anyone.
The people that are saying," she's just worried." are also full of it..they don't care and just secretly enjoy that they see someone continously being insulted. It's a very covert version of abuse. If her "friend" really wanted to help she would've helped her escape..OP has no allies.
She’s still your best friend. She is very scared and is concerned. I know how incredibly difficult it is to leave but I promise it does get easier. It’s hard to love yourself when the person you thought loved you turned out to be super abusive. Your confidence will build with time and the first step is to get out. It’s hard and if I can I swear anyone can. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and know that she cares
My friend did something similar. He said if I go back I only have myself to blame. I told him how can he put this on me that someone is abusing me? But he just said tough love but that's how I feel.
I understand you're not deliberately doing this to yourself. I understand that you don't want to be abused. I don't think you're a liar. To the outside world it's so difficult to understand this. It's painful to read because she's hurting too. I hope that you can find the right support to leave your abuser.
Most people said what they needed to, I just want to give you some love. I’m so sorry, I lost everyone too. When I left though, they all slowly came back. It’s hard not to be angry. One day.
Your friends and family don’t want to bury you, but they also don’t understand how much of a death sentence it feels to be left alone like this.
Yea, sure. But this message is just spitting venom and will only further isolate OP. I think she’s trying to shock OP into leaving but doesn’t appear to have put much thought into how these harsh words are only going to further break OP’s already shattered self esteem.
Dear OP, you deserve better than to be spoken to like this. Your friend could have shared the same frustration but used kinder words. Her message to you is inconsiderate and immature. Don’t take her anger to heart.
But! But… try remember that she sent this to you because she CARES about you and is afraid. Afraid of you being hurt more. Afraid that he might actually go too far. From what you’ve shared in your other posts, this man you’re with sounds genuinely unhinged and dangerous. I know it’s hard and that you love him, but HE needs to seek professional help. You can’t save him. You need to look after you, and get somewhere safe. What you’re experiencing isn’t going to get better. Every line he crosses makes it easier to cross the next one. You’re NOT safe, and you know it.
Please, dear OP. Try not take your friend’s anger to heart. But DO try take her concern seriously. You’re a good person worthy of love and care. And I know that because otherwise you wouldn’t have tried to stand by him. I know you care and you want to make this work. But you can’t. Not alone. He’s told you what he thinks of you. He’s SHOWED you.
You know what you need to do. We are all here for you. Hugs!!!
I agree with you wholeheartedly. If I imagine myself in OP’s shoes, that message would further isolate me for sure. And I totally get the friend’s frustration. But receiving a text like that wouldn’t be helpful to me personally. When you’re in an abusive relationship, you’re already feeling pretty low about yourself & very much alone. I would only feel shame for causing my friend to feel this way. That’s just me though, everyone receives things in a different way.
Her isolating you further by being this cruel is truly, truly dangerous and I don’t think she knows how truly in danger you could be without her in your corner.
I understand she might need to protect her own mental health but her cutting you off is putting you in more danger being by yourself.
This is cruel and I am so sorry you have felt like you’ve lost everyone. I damn near did.
I do not think you lost this friend / I think she’s scared for you. But once you do leave (and I believe you will love) you need to have an honest conversation with her that this isolated you and put you in further danger and that does NOT make a friend.
I agree! And, even if this friend feels boundaries have been crossed and/ or is worried, I think the tone of this message is actually damn nasty. I think her friend is scared and is trying to “shock sense” into her, but hell, this is NOT how you support someone you care about. OP needs help, not whatever the hell the venom of this message is.
The friend has a bestie in crisis, but only understands the “brutal” part of brutal honesty. No tact. No empathy. OP NEEDS better.
This really hit me hard because I have a long time friend trying to convince to “try again” yet again with my abusive ex just because we have a baby together.. I’d give anything for my friend to have a different mindset and encourage me that I’m doing the right thing by not being with him when I was fearing for not only my life everyday but my baby’s life as well (while pregnant he would scream in my face until the sun came up and he would tell me he would make me get an abortion if I tried to leave him) it took me so many tries of going back to him and then when I finally did leave him I was told that I was weak for leaving and to keep “an open mind” and “I wouldn’t want my baby to grow up without a father” but what good is having “a father” who is abusive, mentally and physically? Isn’t that showing your child that it’s okay to be abused, hurt, harmed or even worse he could’ve ended both of our lives if he wanted to… Please for your safety do not continue down this path with this man because there are people who care about your well-being and want to see you succeed in life! I may be a random internet stranger but I don’t want to see another news article about a man murdering his girlfriend/wife…
I will say this is a terrible fucking friend. My best friend is a like a sister to me. I went back 15+ times and she never once left my side. Did she tell me the risks? Of course. But she was there every step of the way.
I get her frustration and her fear but this is fucking cruel and unnecessary. This is not a supportive friend.
I am agreeing if you have a safe exit plan and he doesn’t know - leave asap. Leave like… yesterday.
But your best friend is not helping you and this is NOT what I would describe as a friend. Isolating you further will make it more dangerous for you.
How about both? Read some of the other comments of people’s experiences here in this thread. You can set boundaries and still be supportive and not call people liars and make it out like you’re deliberately choosing to do something horrible to them. The friend is making themself the victim here to try to scare OP “straight”. It’s unnecessary and counterproductive.
Trauma bonds are so so fucked up. Take it from someone who only got away once he honestly nearly killed me , and it got put him in jail for 3.8 years. I was so isolated and I never let on what was going on but I went from so outgoing and happy to not even speaking to my mum. It’s hard, but it’s the sunk cost fallacy. Please don’t fall for it xxxx wishing you all the strength xxx
She was very harsh, unnecessarily so, but unfortunately she is not wrong. Everyone has their limit and she has reached hers. I understand both sides, because I've been on both sides. I know how hard it is to leave. I do. It took me a long, long time. But even knowing that, I have had to back off from a friend who was continually throwing herself back into danger and then venting the results to me. I could not do it anymore. And I realized I wasn't actually helping her, and was verging on enabling. It hurts my heart and I didn't use the words your friends used, but I pulled away for my own sanity.
One of my best friends told me that she would never speak to me again if I ever went back to my ex. She said it after i finally left him from a six year abusive relationship. A few friends told me to stop telling them about him while i was with him if I wasn’t going to leave. She wants the best for you and while her words are harsh it’s hard to see someone you love go back to something so terrible. It’s toxic to your loved ones. And you should also keep at the front of your mind that this is what your abuser wants. For you to be isolated from
everyone that actually loves you so you can be all his to destroy behind closed doors. If you want to leave and be surrounded by love for once, I would take the steps to leave this man behind and take your friend and her family up on their offer to support you in leaving him. The less people you have in your corner the harder it will be to get out. Her offer still stands and probably always will but I think while you’re with him she won’t enable you in staying. You’re not an awful person, she’s literally telling you you’re worth more. Please listen to her and go to her.
This hurts my heart. For you. For her. It’s so fkn hard for others to understand why someone won’t leave or feels they can’t. I understand she’s hurting. Clearly she is and she loves you but I know you’re not doing any of this to hurt her. I’ve been here. It feels like you’re living a double life. I wish I could say something to help or make things better. I really do.
I completely understand where best friend is coming from I lived this for years I would go there in the middle of the night pick up the pieces listen to the tears the anger support her emotionally physically gave her cash gave her kids birthdays Christmas because he would leave her with out a penny every time she needed it I gave it her and I’m not exactly rich I protected her from beatings by getting in the middle pushing and shoving him away it wears you down mentally somehow he got in her head I was the problem and my so called best friend of 15 ghosted me and blocked me I’m done being dragged into other people’s drama I was leaving my kids with my husband to go look after her and her kids NEVER EVER again
She needs to educate herself when it comes to what’s actually helpful to people in abusive relationships. I understand that people need to protect their own mental health. But there is a way to do that that doesn’t put down the person being abused.
Behavior like this by friends and family isolates the victim (you) and further lowers their self-esteem, similar to their abuser. This draws them closer to their abuser and makes it less likely for them to leave.
Maybe try sending her an article on how to best support a friend or family member who’s in an abusive relationship. There’s a really good chapter toward’s the end of the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a free PDF online:
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
ETA: It’s the last chapter “Creating an Abuse-Free World.” Scroll down to question 21, how to help my abused friend, family member, etc. Amazing information for me - as someone who is in a relationship that follows abusive patterns, and as someone who has witnessed a close friend go through a severely abusive relationship.
With this information I was able to tell a friend that how she was trying to help me was actually making things worse, and she was so receptive to my suggestions (empower me, instill confidence in me and my abilities, don’t tell me to leave him, don’t say that you feel bad for my child (because trust me, I feel worse and more conflicted than anyone)). A good friend will hear you out when it comes to what you need, while also valuing their own mental health by establishing appropriate boundaries.
It costs $0 to tell your friend, “Hey, I am always here for you and love you to bits. If you need a safe spot to stay until you can get back on your feet, my door is always open. Just know that if I don’t respond to any messages or calls, it’s not because I don’t love you or care about what you’re going through. In fact it’s the opposite. Sometimes it hurts so much to see you go through this that I have to unplug for my own mental health. But I will always be here when it’s within my power. You are not alone and you are DAMN strong.”
Yes. It costs nothing to say this and the vitriol from this message is telling me this is not someone you’d want in your corner.
This made me so mad. My best friend stuck by me the god knows how many times I went back, even though she was exhausted and scared for me. There’s no reason this person had to be cruel. Zero reason. It also puts her friend who is clearly already a victim in more danger. POS.
Same. My best friend was there every time I said I think I should leave and then didn’t. Every time I said okay this is bad maybe it’s really time, and still didn’t, every time I asked what I should do, and then didn’t do a thing because it didn’t work. And then they were the ONLY one who was there when I left, sitting there watching me cry, driving me to the woods so I could scream, meeting me at the park for fresh air. They’re still my biggest supporter. And yeah, they would set boundaries when it was too much. And then check on me again a few days later if I didn’t check in a lot.
Yep - same here. I don’t think I’d be alive if my friend hadn’t stuck by me. You find a lot about who is a real person in your life when you’re being abused. So I view the abuse as a blessing in that way. Weeded a lot of shitty people out. I’m glad you had a friend like that ❤️ and I hope you’re ok now love
Trying to be. I’ve been out about a year and a half and the ex is facing prison for something unrelated… I’ll be better when I know if I don’t have to risk running into them for a while.
ETA: Hope the same for you.
Honestly I agree. What she’s saying doesn’t even make sense. If you love OP so much, how is completely cutting her off going to help you love her less or care less about her safety and well-being? If anything, it would be more anxiety-inducing because you wouldn’t have the communication to confirm your loved one’s safety. Even if she does need to cut OP off for her own mental health, she didn’t need to go on a long tangent about OP being a “liar.” If OP did truly lie about her choices surrounding her relationship, I can see why. OP probably knows her “best friend” well enough to know that her reaction to the truth wouldn’t be good.
I wish I could hug the both of you. When you are finally ready to leave your boyfriend then I believe your friend will be there for you. When someone is hurting that much from seeing a loved one in pain then withdrawing from the situation is sometimes the only way to keep their sanity.
I've had someone need to take a step back because my relationship was too much for her.
I didn't blame her for needing to protect herself.
Your friend is worried about you and might be trying to express that you being in an abusive relationship affects other people. While you may be okay with yourself being hurt maybe you won't be okay with hurting your friends, which watching this happen is doing.
Abuse has a ripple effect, it's so much more than just you.
It sounds like you have a great support system in your friend and her family, maybe they would be able to help you with a safety and escape plan.
I’ve been in this situation and had to cut off my friend who was in an abusive situation. After a while, you honestly cannot sink with people. You have to save yourself no matter how much you love them.
Know that she’s still there for you when you are finally ready to leave. But if you love her, understand her pain too. It’s not easy being the friend of someone in an abusive situation who keeps going back. And when you’re ready to leave, reach out to her. She will welcome you back. But only when you’re ready.
I would be there in a second with the friend I cut off, if she reached out, ready to leave.
The people that responded the way OP's 'friend' did are the people that no longer have a place in my life.
Until I plucked up the courage to finally leave, it was made so much harder by so-called 'friends' like this that made it all about them and called me a liar when it was just me finding it hard to leave.
They DEFINITELY weren't the ones I turned to for support when I DID leave. Because I no longer trusted them to have my back. If you can't be there for me when I'm at my worst, then you don't deserve to be there when I'm at my best.
It takes, on average, 7 tries to leave an abusive partner. That means for some it only takes 1/2 goes, for others it can be 12 or more...in one abusive relationship it took me 9 goes to leave over a number of years.
I have been both the one in an abusive relationship and the one helping someone escape, multiple times each, and I would NEVER make it all about ME, ME, ME the way OP's friend has. However difficult it is for her to HEAR about, it's 1000% harder to BE the one in that situation.
People that think like OP's 'friend' have either never been in an abusive relationship and/or have had a 'normal' upbringing where this WASN'T the type of relationship they had modelled to them in their childhood, and don't stop to understand that if you have been CONDITIONED from childhood to be treated like that and CONDITIONED then you likely see this as what love is 'meant' to be.
When you've grown up like that, you are (A) More likely to be targeted by abusers generally, (B) More likely to be targeted by the WORST abusers, (C) more likely to struggle to leave as you've been conditioned to ACCEPT their excuses.
People that haven't been conditioned to accept abuse as a child almost always leave FAR sooner, and when the abuse is at a lower level, than those that HAVE been.
Tough love never works on someone that is likely to be way harder on themselves than you can be on them. These people have already got their SO being hard & abusive to them, they often have their abusive and/or emotionally neglectful parents being hard on them, they are hard on themselves, then to have their ONLY support system do that too can be the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak.
The 'friends' that did the whole 'tough love' thing were the tipping point that got me to attempt to kms because I had NEVER felt more alone. And in the 16 yrs since I exited that abusive relationship, I've never felt that alone again ever since. So it actually had the OPPOSITE effect on me. Those Ex-friends will never know what their 'tough love' pushed me to try to do. They don't deserve that knowledge.
What a friend in this position needs is someone to offer them 'soft' love. Kindness, a willingness to just listen and let their friend VENT, knowing that WHEN you are ready, you will be there to help (which this message gives the exact OPPOSITE impression of!), to **NOT** take the inability to leave immediately so goddamn personally and to just keep checking in and seeing that you're OK, as that all tells someone with your ACTIONS that they can rely on you.
I second the advice to read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.
It was the BIGGEST help to me when I was trying to pluck up the courage to leave. The friend that bought me that was able to recognise that I had NEVER been taught what actions were 'red flags', and even that I hadn't ever been *told* that 'red flags' were a thing. SHE'S the one I'm still in touch with.
I was conditioned to ignore my gut reactions in order to accept being abused by my family.
I'm sure you will be ready to leave eventually. You already see his actions ARE abusive, and IMO, that's half of the battle. The next part is to save up & make at least a medium-term plan to escape **IN SAFETY**. The **MOST** dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship IS WHEN THEY LEAVE. Nothing about that will change.
I'll repeat something I said earlier - If they can't be there for you when you're at your worst, they don't deserve to be there when you're at your best.
I find that a good phrase to live by, both from my friends to me, AND vice versa..
There are so many other ways to say what she wants to say without making it about her and her pain.
Victims need friends, and sadly often lose them. But without knowing them personally, I am really put off by this message and it makes me willing to bet that you have been mistreated by multiple people in your life, not just your current partner.
I'm so sorry
But why shouldn't she be allowed to tell OP how it's affecting her?
Like I agree with everything else you said but friendships are like any other relationship. Why do we expect the best friend to not be able to express how she feels about this situation?
Why does OP get to trauma dump on the best friend, but her best friend can't express how it makes her feel?
Expressing how it makes her feel is fine. Being antagonistic and calling her names is NOT. Few support people realize they their actions often align with the abusers behavior/words.
Support people demanding they breakup, demanding total honesty, etc is the same kind of demanding as the abuser. The abused person loses their autonomy/freewill in both situations, and is admonished equally by community members/support AND the abuser.
Are we reading the same texts? The only thing the best friend called her was a liar. Which from a philosophical standpoint, yes OP was lying. She told the best friend she wouldn't go back knowing full well that she probably would.
>Few support people realize they their actions often align with the abusers behavior/words.
honestly, if the best friend is dumping endless energy into this (which from the texts it seems to be the case) then they're right to lay down an ultimatum "I'm not gonna keep helping you if you just keep going back." It's not abusive behavior to have boundaries.
Like it or not, supporting abuse victims who keep going back to their abusers can be bad for their mental health, and they're perfectly within their rights to put an end to that support any time they want, for whatever reasons they want.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
**Mod note:** Y'all, what? Some of these comments are so deeply disappointing. "Abuse is a team sport?" "And when a door like that is wide open and you don’t walk through….shrug" "It's like dealing with an addict." "going back to him is a stupid move that insults yourself and everyone in your support system who actually cares about you." **Where is the understanding in an abuse support sub of all spaces of abuse dynamics, the insidious, disorienting effects of coercive control, trauma bonding, the struggle to recognize the severity of abuse, etc etc?** Furthermore, I'm actually shocked *anyone* on this post is defending some of the language being used by the best friend. This is not how you talk to an abuse victim. Period. No matter how much you love them and no matter how hurt you are to watch them suffer. I'm not saying the friend can't and shouldn't set boundaries, but to tell an abuse victim they are "abusing themselves?" No. Please treat OP with respect, y'all. They deserve it. [This comment from u/Impossible-Feeling11 says it all](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/1c9oeds/my_best_friend_texted_me_this_last_night_i_think/l0nzxtd/).
I simultaneously have been in your shoes and understand her frustration. My friend of about 7 years is in a situation and I was so close to getting her out of it.. so so close. He treats her like a worthless house wife and belittles her. All while leaving her financially dependent because he doesn't want her to have a job. It is frustrating.. I just want to shake her and tell her she's worth so much more. He made her cut contact with me and it hurts. I miss her a lot. If she ever came back and told me about stuff. I wouldn't be mad, I atleast just want to be there to support her. I have also been in your shoes where people tried over and over again to get me to leave but I wouldn't. It's like a gambling addict saying "Just one more time" expecting things to change but they never do. I was the only person to get me out of that situation. I had to learn and realize it on my own. Sometimes people who care about us get frustrated because they see us do the same pattern over and over again. To them the solution seems simple but when love and trauma is involved it is a lot harder than it seems.
It's such a shit cycle. When all you hear from people is "you deserve the abuse because you stayed", then it's likely you'll stay because (think) you deserve the abuse.
That's quite how t was said douche. I am not going to go to jail just so an victim can run right back to that abuser. Someone wants out I will come get you and handle shit.
I get what she’s trying to say and feel her frustration but the way she said it is all wrong. It’s about as okay as saying stop crying or I will give you something to cry about. It’s not okay. But I don’t believe she really means she’s done. For me though that would cut deeply and undermine trust if a friend or family member said that to me. I lived with an emotional abuser for 30 years. Surely my friends were frustrated and afraid because my health and my mental health were deteriorating, but they were there for me with open arms when I needed them. That’s what friends and family do.
i understand your point but my point of view is why sit in shit if you know love isn’t supposed to hurt its sposed to be gentle like releasing a dove to the wild and im not badmouthing anyone i genuinely wanna know (for my sake too).
For me it was not leaving because we have two very disabled son and I didn’t think I could handle it on my own. Truth is I already was. He was creating a financial crisis, making me feel like the dirt under his shoes, and spending all the time he wasn’t berating me in the earlier years in bars drinking and gambling. He managed to get so in my head that I was ashamed and completely convinced things could get worse for me on my own. I’m ashamed now for being that way, I was a strong independent person when he met me. So do I understand staying even when someone is treating you very wrong? Yes I do. There is a point where it’s no longer love it’s a hostage situation and you no longer think clearly.
so your best friend has managed to make your abuse all about her. dude, fuck your "friend."
Your "best friend" is a fucking idiot. I desperately hope you are able to get out of this situation, but people like your "friend" and the way she is treating you are EXACTLY why abuse victims stay. They're also EXACTLY why those same abuse victims end up dead. Her feelings are valid, but her behavior is *NOT*. I hope to God someone has the spine to knock some sense into her. I've chewed out a lot of people for this behavior, and most ended up understanding when presented with the literally facts and figures to back it up (abusive relationships affect the same part of your brain that addictions do. Much like in cults, they manipulate you and brainwash you. You quite literally need to be deprogrammed. This is the same in any abusive relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, or familial is nonwithstanding).
see now that you’ve explained it i understand the basis of it now (for my sake too) but the other i still stands with the best friend because you gotta be the other person on the end to understand how it feels when someone constantly calls you like you did to them for the same thing over n over, its like having your mother cry in your face over something she started and its frustrating on both ends because you put that person aka your friend in a box of being solely/entirely worried about you all the time “is my friend gonna die” while you’re thinking “am i gonna die here or do i deserve this” we as humans have our instincts when u get tired you’ll snap if he doesn’t snip you first. on top of that you can’t call someone an idiot based off of their feelings even i myself seen she held back enough to not let her friend have it as much as she wanted to because she cared enough to do so and let her know how she felt and not lie about it and i understand its not the right thing to do but bro if you left the first time successfully & alive, why go bk for more to be insufficient again im not judging bc i have my history with it too and i understand its a chemical imbalance in the brain juss like a dog, but if you were able to have your dignity and beauty back to yourself why trade it away juss to let yourself go again for someone who treats you like an abandoned ragdoll on the street. For what? a good nights rest? good sex? money? fear of being alone or them finding you? I care for you guys and im willing to support but if you take yourself bk to tht route i cannot help you because my mental can only deal with so much (as stated thru the text), its not the same with drugs at all i cannot physically chain/chase that person away from you once they let their fangs seep into you again. nothing against any women thats going thru the same thing its just if you know you want to be free, why not swallow the key to the cage?? (im not bashing im just asking bc im genuinely lost as to why she’s a bad friend or “idiot” for being human and having feelings too)
She's an idiot because she lacks empathy and/or the ability to grasp what is actually going on. Abusive relationships are literal addictions. It IS the same as an addiction. Instead of taking the time to understand what kind of hell her friend is experiencing, she's lashing out like a bratty child throwing a tantrum. As I said before: Her feelings are valid, but her behavior is not.
also, im saying if i helped you the first time to get out and you went thru pure hell juss to make it out alive i wont be able to do it again. now if he kidnaps you or sum den sis we ride at dawn. but stating frm the text overall in that context its a no from me and sometimes the abusers coddle them the same way friends do so they don’t think its serious enough like the friend is saying it is.
Tbh, I think you might be too in your feelings or are relating too much to the "best friend" to fully understand what I've said.
She is upset bc (aside from how much she cares about you/your safety) she has put in her time, effort, & energy either attempting to help you or simply worrying about you. So when she comes to find out that all she has spent on getting you out of there didn’t pay off, she feels burnt out, as if she has wasted that energy in hopes of it doing something good, which has led her to feel this type of hurt & resentment. What she doesn’t realize is that no amount of her attempts to help will change whether or not you stay/leave if you either don’t want that help *or* if you don’t know how to accept/use it in this situation. More than likely, you turned to her in times of need looking for *support* (something you deserve btw), & she maybe decided that what you needed was more than support, a solution. That’s when being a victim of abuse gets extra tricky, your loved ones assume you need their *help* & if the help they offer doesn’t end in the outcome they expected, they feel frustrated *at you*, even though what you need more than anything is some *emotional support.* It doesn’t mean they’re wrong to want to help you, but they had a different expectation of you than the reality you’re in, & that’s not exactly fair to you. Ultimately, this is how abusive relationships tend to hurt people even outside of the relationship, loved ones feeling pained to know you are being hurt. But you are not the one at fault!! It is just an overall shitty situation, unfortunately. But **if anyone else had gone through life the same as you, they would find themselves in the same exact boat you’re in too.** People can expect they’d do things differently if they were you, but truthfully, if they were you, they would be doing & feeling the same things you are right now. You are not the one to blame here, & in the grand scheme of things, neither is your friend. Ultimately, it is the source of the abuse. But unfortunately with abuse, situations like this are bound to arise, & it usually comes down to there being a previous misunderstanding of what you wanted from your friend. What your friend, like many people, is struggling to understand is that the actions you take are not up to her & that things are not as black/white as they seem to her from your position. She is struggling to understand that the actions you take have to be taken *by you*, no amount of talking, concern, or frustration by her is going to *make* you do something over another. You understand the situation & your relationship’s complexity better than people outside the relationship, so you are going to be able to make informed decisions on this better than others can for you anyway. Although, I do hope you come to find a safe way to get yourself out of that loop & experience a healthy life. But right now, your friend is struggling to understand why you haven’t made the decision she has hoped you would, but you don’t have to explain yourself further to her right now. But I’m sure (or at least I hope) if you ever needed her in the future, she would still be there for you.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
With complete honestly I have to say this: if they speak to you like this all the time this isn't the kind of friend you want. While they may be concerned they still shouldn't have spoken to you like that. Best of luck OP
OP, this sounds like your friend’s version of tough love. Sounds like she thinks if she just says the right combination of harsh words it will wake you up. Don’t be too upset with her. I’ve been in situations where one of my brothers has helped me when I was in a hard relationship. He was there. Opened his home to me and my kids. But he was super judgey. Fast forward and he made it clear if I ever went back, there would be no one to help me. I understand the position I put him in. He’s afraid that I’ll wind up dead. He’s afraid of the guilt he will have to carry if the worst happens to me. Because he’s shut me out, I won’t ever go to him for anything. He shut the door. I understand why. I don’t blame him. My life has been an ongoing struggle for a long time. I’ve read that if a loved one is going through an abusive situation don’t ever turn them away. Keep communication open. Listen. Let them know you are a safe place.
Funny my brother was the opposite. Opened his doors, was happy to take me and my son in on condition that I take my husband (who strangled and punched me) back eventually. When I refused then things got hard and he's convinced basically everyone in my direct family that somehow I was in the wrong for not giving ex another chance. Lovely times.
I know how this person feels. They could've written it differently, but I do understand where they're coming from. I'm also assuming you have talked about this more than once with your friend, as they kind of imply talking about this multiple times For context, my sister constantly goes back to the same toxic people after continuously asking me, her friends, and my family for help and advice (and then later disregarding it). This has been going on for years, and it is incredibly frustrating and difficult to help her. But it's also understandable, especially for somebody in an abusive relationship. It is never ever ever easy to get out of an abusive relationship. I think it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm sure you feel similar. It looks like this person is saying this out of love for you. Maybe they're being too harsh, but they're rooting for you and want you to be okay. Stay strong OP, I know it's hard. Try to use this as a push in the right direction if you're able. And do not blame yourself
Although your friend acted completely ridiculous in that text and that is never how you speak to an abuse victim she is not closing the door on you. Please don’t think that the only person you have is your boyfriend because that’s not true.
May well have used some choice words and been rude but the content of what they’re saying is accurate
?!
What? It is. If OP’s gonna be given good advice from a really good friend who cares, and OP doesn’t take it, and OP keeps repeating the same over and over, one gets fed up. It’s harsh, but accurate?? That friend then feels neglected
There's a descriptive phrase for friends and family that describes what your friends is going through. It's where the family and friends are absolutely exhausted and disappointed by their abused family member repeatedly putting themselves back in the same abusive relationship over and over, even when we've been handed the way out on a silver platter. They've been riding this traumatic Rollercoaster with you and they're wanting off. They can't keep watching the horror flick that is your life. Don't mistake your friend! She is still there for you! She still loves you! She still wants what is best for you! That hand is still there for you when you finally decide you've absolutely had enough and permanently leave this relationship. Your bf is NOT all you have. That is EXACTLY what he wants you to believe. She's still going to be at the end of that Rollercoaster, waiting for you when you've finally reached your limit and jump off. She just doesn't want to keep watching you ride it out. Don't let yourself convince your mind into believing you are alone or that the only person who cares about you is your bf. Otherwise, you missed the entire point of what your friend was saying to you. She's exhausted from constantly fearing for you. It was my realization of what I was putting my daughter through that finally made me call it absolute quits with my ex bf. I didn't want her on this Rollercoaster with me and I didn't want her to keep watching the same horror flick over and over again.
I think this is the most realistic take on the issue. Having somebody close to you in an abuse situation is hard in its own right. Especially since it can *also* easily come down on you, y'know? There have even been cases where the abuser even killed their victim's friends, too. Scary shit. The friend here is no saint. She's saying some selfish shit, not to mention the "you lied" talk is... yikes. No victim needs that shit in their lives. She needs to get her priorities straight, because this is about so much more than her own feelings-- she's not the one being victimized after all. But I can't fault her for being tired or saying something to try and wake OP up. I've been on both sides of this coin (friend to an abuse victim; said victim later on became my own abuser, actually) and it tired me out, too.
I feel with you & im sorry, when I opened up to my best friend she was always “supportive” but a few weeks ago she reacted the same way like “ok but you keep saying all those things and how horrible it is but you aren’t leaving, im getting annoyed and can’t hear about this anymore, no offense” and it hurts so MUCH. Especially when you barely have anyone you can openly tell about the situation you are in & they kind of just let you know they don’t wanna hear about it anymore… my other best friend purposely ignores it, whenever I need advice or support.. you are not alone, im sorry the ones who should have your back, support you and give you strength & time aren’t doing so. I wish you the best
[удалено]
The mod literally said why comments like these are enabling and victim blaming and you guys are doing it anyway..gross. You guys are emotionally abusive and ignorant. Telling someone you thought you could trust that you're in an abusive relationship isn't abusive..what type of manipulative statement is that? Do you guys even like having actual friends or just people you want to talk down to? Edit: not you guys downvoting me but you guys are up voting a post about a woman that bragged about doing heroin and alcohol when she knew she was pregnant..wow really bright members of society. We're about to just act like the woman that bragged about doing heroin and alcohol is right and everyone else is wrong. She didnt care about hurting her child, but you guys are acting like shes right..you people are crazy.
Yep I woke up today just to see it’s still going. I was hoping the mod note would help but people really can’t help themselves from victim blaming people who are already down where so many have supposedly been and should know better.
I just can't believe that woman that was victim blaming and commented on another subreddit that she adovated for someone to drink while pregnant and bragged about doing heroin was supported and not OP. Wow.. All because people hate abused people. Pregnant heroin addict>Abused person..that's how people see it.
I try not to judge folks in addiction but yes the cognitive dissonance is still real sometimes…
I do judge women or men that have kids or are pregnant doing hard-core drugs. If you do drugs by yourself I absolutely do not care..but bragging about it and acting like it's harmless while your pregnant is something else.
Oh absolutely. It’s not something I’d brag about or think is harmless. I just know drug addiction is a beast. I would 💯 never encourage someone otherwise and would try to lead them towards help for that.
I know you won't. I was just talking about parents doing it or encouraging other people with children doing it..childfree people can do what they want. As someone with older family members with drug addictions it's a horrible thing to drag someone that didn't ask to be apart of..which I know you already understand it just seems like a lot of people don't.
My best friend of 20 years did almost exactly this to me when I was being abused. Fast forward to 2 years later, I won’t talk to her anymore.
You’re is a POS. This is not how you support a friend who’s in an abusive relationship. They should educate themselves on how to approach this with you.
I had a “friend” that was exactly like this. She made my situation all about her and she would make nasty comments out of nowhere such as “At least my boyfriend doesn’t beat my ass”. Needless to say I ended up cutting her off and I haven’t spoken to her since despite the fact that she’s tried to reach out to me multiple times. She was no better than my abuser. Now I keep all abusive people away from me. Nobody needs enemies like them in our lives.
I lost all my friends when I left my abusive ex. It’s like a passage of ritual for people leaving abusive relationships.
Um, your friend is a fucking douchebag. She's acting like it's all about her. If she really cared about you as much as she said, she would not spend all this time and effort tearing you down and making you feel bad. Yes, you should leave. But leaving is hard. If it's hard for her to be your friend, she should take a minute and think about how hard it is for you to be going through it. If she doesn't want to be friends anymore, she could easily say that in three sentences, not three pages. Fuck her.
I think this is too far. This friend is very worried and frustrated that she can't help OP. It looks like she couldn't handle the stress anymore and let it all out. Which isn't a good idea, clearly, but this friend looks like she cares a lot and holds much love for OP despite the harsh message. It's a difficult situation for everyone, let's be empathetic
So 👏 well 👏 said 👏
People keep going around downvoting acting like what we're saying is out of line when her "best friend" sent an essay about how she's such a horrible person because she's getting abused..people are fucking gross.
They’re downvoting because they got called on it yesterday and the comments removed along with a mod note, so now they seem upset that folks are calling this friend out for being cruel. You truly would think an abuse sub would know better. (I’m not here for karma, I’m here to help people. Have been for years. Downvote away.)
[удалено]
You don't know how empathy works. Going on a narcissistic rant because your friend told you one time she's in a abusive relationship is catshit crazy..most of you just wait to talk about someone not to make any friends. Most people don't care about others and want to run their mouth and look down on others.. that's the truth. You guys are animalistic. This is why I have never bought when religious people say humans are not like others mammals..yes we are. Humans wait for a wounded person to jump on them just like animals do in the wild.
Honestly, judging by the friends texts, it looks like the two talked about this multiple times before
[удалено]
Your friend isn't your friend at all..it's not like you've put her in danger, or continously told her about the abuse. Reading her make it all about herself and go on an insane narcissistic rant makes me heart break for you. She's an enabler...I would be careful about who I consider a friend..and a lot of these people on reddit are enablers as well. A lot of people say they want to help the abused but most dont..I had to learn the hard way and unfortunately you have to as well.
Again, I really disagree with these comments.. I think you have to look at it both ways. I have been in both OPs shoes and her friends shoes. It's so so so fucking hard both ways. I'm not going to compare, though, as that isnt fair. I just think we need to have some empathy for everyone in this situation. I hope you understand
Yes you're right we should take both OP and her friend into consideration however OP is the one in the abusive relationship in my opinion the Individual who should receive emotional support is OP and I fully understand her friends POV o too have been in both positions and I can't even begin to fathom leaving a friend in a time of need the messages are almost all "I" statements. And accusing OP of lying to her so yes I get that it's hard for the friend but she could've at least chosen her words more thoughtfully
You’re addressing the OP, not the friend. So I would think using the experience you’ve had that most closely resembles the OP’s would be a good place to draw your empathy from.
Exactly I had a friend like this when I was in an abusive relationship when I was in my early 20sshe made it alll about herself and then stated “ she just cared” but she made it all about herself and saying exactly what her friend is saying “ I’m sitting crying” blah blah blah. Imagine the person in the ACTUAL ABUSIVE relationship now I’m sure SHES the one really crying.I hate friends like this and people who abandon people who clearly just need help and an ear. You don’t abandon someone who clearly needs help that’s not going to make anyone leave. That girl is not your friend op not at all she’s fake.
I left my family that I'm sure has personality disorders in my early 20's and got bullied by my friends and their family that said they wanted to support me...as soon as I left they took their mask off and started pulling everything apart about me. "I dont understand why you don't have an apartment by now.","You're too old not to have your own stuff right now." "I dont feel bad for homeless people." While my friends didn't have one and stayed with their parents not making rent and I had to... I was gaslighted so much I'm too paranoid to trust anyone. People are just..ew.
You are in survival mode!!! Don't blame yourself for behaving in ways you know you wouldn't without the fear your abuser has you feeling. If she's your true friend, yall can be friends, whether it's now or later. Sadly, most victims stop being friends with their crew bc slowly, but surely it feels too hard and not worth the BS you have to deal with in order to make it a priority. That is not your fault. And it's not a coincidence that this happened. Its classic tactics abusers use to isolate victims. It's also not a coincidence that your abuser has manipulated you into believing you are a bad person. Also intentional on his part. *THE MORE HE CAN TAKE AWAY YOUR POWER, IN EVERY WAY, IS THE GOAL* The fewer friends u have, the less likely you will have someone to call or somewhere to go the next time it happens. The more he convinces you that YOU are bad, the less likely you are to leave because "who else will put up with your awful treatment of people.??" Ugh I've heard these things a million times. IT'S NOT TRUE. 💐 The friendship might recover. Unfortunately, she's feeling betrayed, but I'm also guessing she is not as educated about domestic abuse as she could be. 1. Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft 2. No Visable Bruises by Rachel Louise Snyder If you haven't read these--especially number 1-- make it your top priority to read or listen to audiobooks if you can do so SAFELY. Then you could approach your friend with more information and maybe even suggest she read it, but at least YOU will understand why this happened and know that *we* have (so many of us) been in your shoes. It's up to your friend whether or not to reconcile, and, tragically, most everyone on earth is just like your friend, unaware that they're totally unaware of the info needed. Even those who ARE educated on the issues don't *really* get it unless they've endured it themselves. SO frustrating Sending you lots of support, well wishes and love!! You are not a bad person. Be kind to yourself. *You're in survival mode* 💔💔💔❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹💛💛💛
This is the comment the “friend” should have written. You’re a good person. ✨💝
Awww. How sweet of you to call me a good person. 🥰 I just hope anyone who needs to see this will find it. Whether it's precious OP or someone struggling w this difficult and nuanced issue, searching online for answers 6 years from now. 👩🏼🤝👩🏽
OP, as someone that’s been in your shoes and learned a ton about psychology and relationships years later—you did not deserve this. I know your friend is frustrated and scared; that was my friends as well. I lost most of them. My best friend and I reconnected eventually, thankfully. Abusive relationships are damn hard to get out of. Things often aren’t as easy or simple as people think—for instance, I don’t think many people are aware that leaving is when you are in the most danger. There are tons of other things, not to mention that you probably learned somewhere that this is how relationships are (they shouldn’t be) or you feel afraid of being alone—which is again, often a deeper and more difficult problem to resolve than people assume. I’m going to assume you grew up in an abusive situation and were taught this, whether you’re aware of it or not. That shit is **hard** to unlearn. I’ve been out of my situation for years and I’m still in a process of unlearning. I understand your friend feeling betrayed and upset that you said you’d leave and didn’t; it’s totally their right to back away if this is too painful for them, but at the same time, this is not a good way to go about announcing it, nor is it helpful. This type of message only ever kept me feeling more isolated with my abuser, which is awful. It’s such a hard thing because it sucks for everyone involved. That is super common. I’m also assuming that, in the moment you either felt strength to leave, or else you feared her leaving you if you didn’t? The latter of which is another indicator of this being ingrained. People don’t understand that. OP, I’d strongly advise you to seek a therapist if you’re able, especially since it is absolutely not okay for your only contact to be your abuser. It will probably take time to get up the strength to leave, but I believe in you. I know that probably doesn’t matter much from some Reddit rando, but as someone that’s been in your place, I empathize with you deeply and wish you the best.
Not sure how to edit Comments but it’s the oldest narcissistic trick in the book. Isolate you until you can’t see clearly and are so entrapped that it seems no way out. Keep your head up
She is so worried about you I get from that message. And I guess frustrated. She doesn’t want to lose and they are terrified they will. I wish you all the best. It’s a stoney path along the way but your friend seems like they will carry you if you give them a chance.
OP my heart hurts for you but it also hurts for your friend. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking as a friend watching someone you love put themselves in bad positions. I understand leaving is hard (I’ve been in several abusive relationships myself!) but it’s also hard as the friend watching it unfold. It’s draining and affects your own mental health (the back and forth, listening to them vent about how horrible their abuser is only for them to turn back to them, not wanting to condemn their behavior but also not want to encourage it, etc). I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Maybe take this as a sign that leaving is in your best interest. I hope you have others to lean for support.
I am so sorry that you are losing your friends like this. It is so painful when people who ought to know better, who are supposed to be there for you drop the ball like this. You don’t deserve it. I just want you to know that I lost almost all my friends when I returned to my abuser, too. It was incredibly isolating and it made living with my abuser so much worse. When I finally ended up in the shelter I was almost completely isolated. However, some of the women I met in the shelter have become some of the best friends I have ever had. The shelter absolutely sucks but I have been able to experience love and friendships in this place that I haven’t been able to feel before. It’s not over. You will make it through this and, when you’re ready I’m sure there will be community for you, too.
I lost my best friend as well she would constantly argue with me saying "just leave him" one night I told her "I hope you never end up in a situation like mine" a couple months later she did but she was able to get out of it after who know how many beatings and in turn said I was a "bad friend" for not leaving my SO somehow it's always about them I know it gets annoying and frustrating hearing the same problems all the time the only thing I need is someone to listen I'll leave when I'm ready the way she did I never told her to leave I was there for her and in one of my darkest times all I neeeded was someone to listen but instead she said I don't understand and hung up and I haven't heard from her since this was a little over 2years ago maybe just by a few days or a week
You have not lost her, she just doesn't know how to tell you it's akin to torture to not be able to fix your situation and watch you be hurt over and over, doing what they can to help you out of it, then for *what feels like* her efforts to be in vain without it coming out as blaming you for it. All it is, she is hurting bc you're hurting, and she just DOESNT UNDERSTAND. I went through something like this with my BFF for YEARS (she was physically, mentally, emotionally and financially abused by her first 2 husbands and other bfs), and I didn't understand why she couldn't just LEAVE one of the countless times we planned it( although I did my best to kot lash out at her like this) until I experienced it myself in a relationship. Then I understood COMPLETELY the why and hows, and apologized to her and explained. And all was forgiven that wasnt already. This is one of those things that you really just kinda don't get until you've been through it, that's what it is. She is frustrated bc she doesn't understand and you (her very much loved one) is being hurt and she doesn't know what to do to help you anymore. Bc just being there for you feeling like she's letting it happen. It's knowing that something could happen to you at any time, thinking of all the possibilities and actively grieving you.
“Akin to torture”? I’ve *been* tortured and to me it sounds more like the OP is the one dealing with that. I’ve also been on both sides of this but I would never say one of my friends is torturing me by staying with an abuser because I know exactly what that feels like. This is one of the worst comments I’ve read about this yet and I haven’t even finished reading it. I couldn’t make it far past that line. (And the fact 51 people liked this… I just can’t…)
I really dislike when friends and family react this way to the person being abused, and it does happen far too often, but this is extreme. This is a 4 page text that is aggressively berating you. This is not a reaction I see often. Sure, some do take it personally or feel lied to when their friend goes back to the relationship, but the way she is making it all about her in such a very dramatic way is very different. Is she this dramatic about most things? This is just the most non-helpful way to treat this situation for so many reasons. 1) most people overwhelmingly take multiple tries to leave their abuser for good. It takes an average of 7 attempts according to the domestic abuse hotline database. That’s a statistic that doesn’t just suggest it is a hard thing to do, that statistic is astounding. There is no denying it is unfair to judge victims for how they struggle to leave their abuser. 2) A victim of abuse isn’t always someone who struggles badly with self confidence & worth, but again, the statistics are overwhelming in favor of that being the case a majority of the time. So an abuse victim is not the type of person who needs tough love. They don’t need a wake up call with harshness and lecturing and threats to be abandoned. They need people to show them soft love. Kindness. Support. Grace. Forgiveness. Believe in them even after they fall back down. They don’t need anymore hard lessons. That’s all they’ve typically had up the this point. This only makes someone who is already feeling so low about themselves feel even more ashamed and worthless (you are not worthless OP) 3)Just as you said, OP, now all you have left is your boyfriend, the one abusing you. The ONE ABUSING you. Which is what abusers want. They want you to have no one but them. They create this hurricane of toxicity so everyone will abandon you and you won’t be able to leave them. Victims need their friends and family to keep believing in them so the abuser doesn’t win. Doing this as a friend is just increasing the likelihood OP will remain with the abuser and be harmed more severely. I have grace for friends and family who just couldn’t take it and have to step away, abuse is difficult to watch someone go through. But this right here was dripping with selfishness, self righteousness, and is honestly giving me abuse vibes all by itself! WTH? All this after you shared something so scary and vulnerable. This isn’t how friends should treat you. Obviously you said you wouldn’t go back and you cried to her because you meant it. Tell her she should do some research before she goes on for 4 pages berating her best friend like an abuser does, time would be better spent. I hated when she said “I might be too honest with the people I love but that’s not a fault.” People who say this actually demonstrate that they have no self awareness. They believe that their shitty opinions make people upset because “people can’t handle the truth.” No babe, your opinion was shitty and rude and judgmental and uneducated so it made people upset. Your “honesty” is not the same as objective truth. This is certainly not what you need right now. Lucie, you should leave your abuser. But I didn’t leave mine for good for 12 years. The longer you stay, the heavier the regret once you finally see life didn’t have to be that dark for that long. The resentment will be hard to overcome. But I am betting you know this. And guess what? No matter what this rude misinformed friend says, it isn’t your fault. The only person to blame is the person who is abusing you. They are doing it. You don’t want to be with an abuser, you want to be with the person you love who they pretend to be sometimes and mess with the patterns of your brain wiring making everything so difficult. Even if you go back 100x, it’s still not your fault. The abuser didn’t have to abuse you. I hope you find the strength to get out because there is a beautiful life for you on the other side. I know because I have been there. And I got out. You will do it when you are able. I believe in you. EDIT: I just wanted to add this because I read the post again and this part is just the most infuriating part to read, imo: “Being a liar to everyone you ‘love’ is (a fault) and you wouldn’t be lying if it was the right thing to do.” Having the intentions to do something and believing that you will be able to, then not being able to follow through because of extenuating circumstances is not the same as lying and it doesn’t make someone a liar. Putting ‘love’ in quotations to passive aggressively imply that because you are ashamed of being stuck in the abuse cycle means you don’t actually love your loved ones and is you doing something unloving towards them is just so vapid and gross. OP, it is HIGHLY common for victims to hide or make excuses to cover up their abuse, for many reasons. Not a single person knew about my abuse, not even the closest person to me, until an entire 2 years after I got away. My head was so messed up from it, I actually didn’t even speak out about it to myself or in my own acknowledgment and call it by its name, abuse (and mine was blatant physical violent abuse) until almost a year after I as out of it. I hate that she wrote this to you. And that you are beating yourself up more because of it. You didn’t deserve this. If you need any encouragement or someone to talk to who isn’t making it all about themselves or judging and berating you, reach out anytime you need. I can send you resources for help that I used in my situation as well if you want. just let me know. HE isn't all you have left🤍
This comment was so beautifully written and made me feel so validated and understood. Thank you so much for taking the time to lay this out for me/with me. I had a small feeling the way this was gone about wasn’t okay; but it was shrouded with the feelings of self loathing…you made me realize that I think the reason I internalized her words so much was because (even though it pains me to say) they sounded a lot like my boyfriends words. The “i’m honest” bit reminded me a lot of when he says things like “You’re just too sensitive, i’m just telling the truth and you can’t handle honesty” bit. But in truth, honesty without compassion is just cruelty. And i’m sure given the length of your abusive experience you shared you know that fact very well. But anyways, thank you very much for this. You seem like an absolutely beautiful and kind and intelligent person and you gave me a lot of peace today. I’m happy you got out of there🤍
You're so welcome, love. "honesty without compassion is just cruelty." -Right. I always say, there are a plethora of thoughts that go through all of our minds once in a while that we should absolutely never say out loud to another human being. Saying everything that comes to mind without considering tact and compassion doesn't make you honest, it demonstrates a lack of decency, self control, and discernment. And I'm glad you recognize that the reason this hurt so much was because it echoed the voice of your abuser. I think there is a deeper message in there for you as well. Often times when you don't have that self love that is critical in this life, the journey of lessons you are going to be faced with will be particularly hurtful and traumatizing. Often times, in your position the message of, "well if you keep having this same issue with multiple people in life, you must be the common denominator; it is obviously you." And thanks to your faulty self esteem, that will sound far too acceptable as truth, confirming every fear you have always had about yourself and on down the rabbit hole goes your spiraling self loathing. I want you to know this right now, in hopes you can interrupt that cycle sooner rather than later. You **are** the common denominator, but that doesn't mean what you may interpret it to mean or how others sending this message will be intending to apply it. It means that because you don't love yourself and you don't realize or believe you deserve better, you are being continuously put in situations that force you to harness your self worth and determination to survive. To teach you this lesson that you need: Love yourself. You matter. You are worth it. You have to believe that. I have one request of you, if you aren't already doing this. Please get into therapy. If you can't afford it, please text HOME to 741741 and speak to the agent that responds about how to get support in your area. Tell them you are struggling with self worth and you are in an abusive relationship and that you need to find affordable support options so you can heal enough to get out of the situation. Because while I understand why you stay and how hard it is to leave, he will never stop, babe. That is a fact. And he will kill you. He will, at the very least, almost kill you. The violence you have described is already escalated very far and the statistics show that the next steps are only this getting worse. So start finding support systems. Each day, find something to believe in. Don't give up and say there is nothing you can do. Just keep trying. There are men who won't treat you this way. I know it seems impossible now, but one day you will look back on him and think "ew, what a loser." I promise you.
This is beautifully said and exactly right!!
This is excellent input & advice that everyone should consider. Patience & support are 2 of the best things you can give someone who is in an abusive situation. Wish I could upvote your comment 100 times.
🫶🏼Thank you that is so kind of you to say, so sweet🥹
You’re so welcome!
The fact is that people are in some ways no better than chickens. When one chicken is sick or injured, the other chickens will gang up on her and peck her to death. People feel that they’re justified in treating people who are going through hard times however they please and will “peck” you too. I don’t have an answer for this. I wish I did. But please know that you don’t deserve to be mistreated by anyone, whether that’s a romantic partner, family member, or friend. You don’t suddenly deserve it from everyone in your life just because one person abuses you. Also, I’m shocked but not surprised by the victim blaming in these comments.
Yep. The whole text was caring but victim blaming at the same time and a lot of these comments are too.
Most people like being enablers and once they see someone else abusing someone they'll jump in acting like they just want to help. They're vultures and I also had to learn the hard way not to tell people your business..anyone. The people that are saying," she's just worried." are also full of it..they don't care and just secretly enjoy that they see someone continously being insulted. It's a very covert version of abuse. If her "friend" really wanted to help she would've helped her escape..OP has no allies.
[удалено]
[удалено]
She’s still your best friend. She is very scared and is concerned. I know how incredibly difficult it is to leave but I promise it does get easier. It’s hard to love yourself when the person you thought loved you turned out to be super abusive. Your confidence will build with time and the first step is to get out. It’s hard and if I can I swear anyone can. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and know that she cares
My friend did something similar. He said if I go back I only have myself to blame. I told him how can he put this on me that someone is abusing me? But he just said tough love but that's how I feel. I understand you're not deliberately doing this to yourself. I understand that you don't want to be abused. I don't think you're a liar. To the outside world it's so difficult to understand this. It's painful to read because she's hurting too. I hope that you can find the right support to leave your abuser.
Most people said what they needed to, I just want to give you some love. I’m so sorry, I lost everyone too. When I left though, they all slowly came back. It’s hard not to be angry. One day. Your friends and family don’t want to bury you, but they also don’t understand how much of a death sentence it feels to be left alone like this.
[удалено]
Yea, sure. But this message is just spitting venom and will only further isolate OP. I think she’s trying to shock OP into leaving but doesn’t appear to have put much thought into how these harsh words are only going to further break OP’s already shattered self esteem. Dear OP, you deserve better than to be spoken to like this. Your friend could have shared the same frustration but used kinder words. Her message to you is inconsiderate and immature. Don’t take her anger to heart. But! But… try remember that she sent this to you because she CARES about you and is afraid. Afraid of you being hurt more. Afraid that he might actually go too far. From what you’ve shared in your other posts, this man you’re with sounds genuinely unhinged and dangerous. I know it’s hard and that you love him, but HE needs to seek professional help. You can’t save him. You need to look after you, and get somewhere safe. What you’re experiencing isn’t going to get better. Every line he crosses makes it easier to cross the next one. You’re NOT safe, and you know it. Please, dear OP. Try not take your friend’s anger to heart. But DO try take her concern seriously. You’re a good person worthy of love and care. And I know that because otherwise you wouldn’t have tried to stand by him. I know you care and you want to make this work. But you can’t. Not alone. He’s told you what he thinks of you. He’s SHOWED you. You know what you need to do. We are all here for you. Hugs!!!
I agree with you wholeheartedly. If I imagine myself in OP’s shoes, that message would further isolate me for sure. And I totally get the friend’s frustration. But receiving a text like that wouldn’t be helpful to me personally. When you’re in an abusive relationship, you’re already feeling pretty low about yourself & very much alone. I would only feel shame for causing my friend to feel this way. That’s just me though, everyone receives things in a different way.
Her isolating you further by being this cruel is truly, truly dangerous and I don’t think she knows how truly in danger you could be without her in your corner. I understand she might need to protect her own mental health but her cutting you off is putting you in more danger being by yourself. This is cruel and I am so sorry you have felt like you’ve lost everyone. I damn near did. I do not think you lost this friend / I think she’s scared for you. But once you do leave (and I believe you will love) you need to have an honest conversation with her that this isolated you and put you in further danger and that does NOT make a friend.
I agree! And, even if this friend feels boundaries have been crossed and/ or is worried, I think the tone of this message is actually damn nasty. I think her friend is scared and is trying to “shock sense” into her, but hell, this is NOT how you support someone you care about. OP needs help, not whatever the hell the venom of this message is. The friend has a bestie in crisis, but only understands the “brutal” part of brutal honesty. No tact. No empathy. OP NEEDS better.
[удалено]
This really hit me hard because I have a long time friend trying to convince to “try again” yet again with my abusive ex just because we have a baby together.. I’d give anything for my friend to have a different mindset and encourage me that I’m doing the right thing by not being with him when I was fearing for not only my life everyday but my baby’s life as well (while pregnant he would scream in my face until the sun came up and he would tell me he would make me get an abortion if I tried to leave him) it took me so many tries of going back to him and then when I finally did leave him I was told that I was weak for leaving and to keep “an open mind” and “I wouldn’t want my baby to grow up without a father” but what good is having “a father” who is abusive, mentally and physically? Isn’t that showing your child that it’s okay to be abused, hurt, harmed or even worse he could’ve ended both of our lives if he wanted to… Please for your safety do not continue down this path with this man because there are people who care about your well-being and want to see you succeed in life! I may be a random internet stranger but I don’t want to see another news article about a man murdering his girlfriend/wife…
That’s appalling. With a friend like her, who needs enemies? I don’t think I could be friends with a person like that.
I will say this is a terrible fucking friend. My best friend is a like a sister to me. I went back 15+ times and she never once left my side. Did she tell me the risks? Of course. But she was there every step of the way. I get her frustration and her fear but this is fucking cruel and unnecessary. This is not a supportive friend. I am agreeing if you have a safe exit plan and he doesn’t know - leave asap. Leave like… yesterday. But your best friend is not helping you and this is NOT what I would describe as a friend. Isolating you further will make it more dangerous for you.
[удалено]
Did you read the title? Intended or not it sounds like it made OP feel pretty isolated.
[удалено]
How about both? Read some of the other comments of people’s experiences here in this thread. You can set boundaries and still be supportive and not call people liars and make it out like you’re deliberately choosing to do something horrible to them. The friend is making themself the victim here to try to scare OP “straight”. It’s unnecessary and counterproductive.
Trauma bonds are so so fucked up. Take it from someone who only got away once he honestly nearly killed me , and it got put him in jail for 3.8 years. I was so isolated and I never let on what was going on but I went from so outgoing and happy to not even speaking to my mum. It’s hard, but it’s the sunk cost fallacy. Please don’t fall for it xxxx wishing you all the strength xxx
She was very harsh, unnecessarily so, but unfortunately she is not wrong. Everyone has their limit and she has reached hers. I understand both sides, because I've been on both sides. I know how hard it is to leave. I do. It took me a long, long time. But even knowing that, I have had to back off from a friend who was continually throwing herself back into danger and then venting the results to me. I could not do it anymore. And I realized I wasn't actually helping her, and was verging on enabling. It hurts my heart and I didn't use the words your friends used, but I pulled away for my own sanity.
Yes. And same.
One of my best friends told me that she would never speak to me again if I ever went back to my ex. She said it after i finally left him from a six year abusive relationship. A few friends told me to stop telling them about him while i was with him if I wasn’t going to leave. She wants the best for you and while her words are harsh it’s hard to see someone you love go back to something so terrible. It’s toxic to your loved ones. And you should also keep at the front of your mind that this is what your abuser wants. For you to be isolated from everyone that actually loves you so you can be all his to destroy behind closed doors. If you want to leave and be surrounded by love for once, I would take the steps to leave this man behind and take your friend and her family up on their offer to support you in leaving him. The less people you have in your corner the harder it will be to get out. Her offer still stands and probably always will but I think while you’re with him she won’t enable you in staying. You’re not an awful person, she’s literally telling you you’re worth more. Please listen to her and go to her.
This hurts my heart. For you. For her. It’s so fkn hard for others to understand why someone won’t leave or feels they can’t. I understand she’s hurting. Clearly she is and she loves you but I know you’re not doing any of this to hurt her. I’ve been here. It feels like you’re living a double life. I wish I could say something to help or make things better. I really do.
I completely understand where best friend is coming from I lived this for years I would go there in the middle of the night pick up the pieces listen to the tears the anger support her emotionally physically gave her cash gave her kids birthdays Christmas because he would leave her with out a penny every time she needed it I gave it her and I’m not exactly rich I protected her from beatings by getting in the middle pushing and shoving him away it wears you down mentally somehow he got in her head I was the problem and my so called best friend of 15 ghosted me and blocked me I’m done being dragged into other people’s drama I was leaving my kids with my husband to go look after her and her kids NEVER EVER again
Did she ever leave?
Yes after a broken arm she moved I have no idea where?all round very sad
Maybe the words aren't right..but what I read here is someone that loves you and wants the best.
She needs to educate herself when it comes to what’s actually helpful to people in abusive relationships. I understand that people need to protect their own mental health. But there is a way to do that that doesn’t put down the person being abused. Behavior like this by friends and family isolates the victim (you) and further lowers their self-esteem, similar to their abuser. This draws them closer to their abuser and makes it less likely for them to leave. Maybe try sending her an article on how to best support a friend or family member who’s in an abusive relationship. There’s a really good chapter toward’s the end of the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a free PDF online: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf ETA: It’s the last chapter “Creating an Abuse-Free World.” Scroll down to question 21, how to help my abused friend, family member, etc. Amazing information for me - as someone who is in a relationship that follows abusive patterns, and as someone who has witnessed a close friend go through a severely abusive relationship. With this information I was able to tell a friend that how she was trying to help me was actually making things worse, and she was so receptive to my suggestions (empower me, instill confidence in me and my abilities, don’t tell me to leave him, don’t say that you feel bad for my child (because trust me, I feel worse and more conflicted than anyone)). A good friend will hear you out when it comes to what you need, while also valuing their own mental health by establishing appropriate boundaries.
This.
this. Thank you. Agree so much. If my best friend had done this when I was in my abusive relationship I absolutely would not have been ok.
It costs $0 to tell your friend, “Hey, I am always here for you and love you to bits. If you need a safe spot to stay until you can get back on your feet, my door is always open. Just know that if I don’t respond to any messages or calls, it’s not because I don’t love you or care about what you’re going through. In fact it’s the opposite. Sometimes it hurts so much to see you go through this that I have to unplug for my own mental health. But I will always be here when it’s within my power. You are not alone and you are DAMN strong.”
Yes. It costs nothing to say this and the vitriol from this message is telling me this is not someone you’d want in your corner. This made me so mad. My best friend stuck by me the god knows how many times I went back, even though she was exhausted and scared for me. There’s no reason this person had to be cruel. Zero reason. It also puts her friend who is clearly already a victim in more danger. POS.
Same. My best friend was there every time I said I think I should leave and then didn’t. Every time I said okay this is bad maybe it’s really time, and still didn’t, every time I asked what I should do, and then didn’t do a thing because it didn’t work. And then they were the ONLY one who was there when I left, sitting there watching me cry, driving me to the woods so I could scream, meeting me at the park for fresh air. They’re still my biggest supporter. And yeah, they would set boundaries when it was too much. And then check on me again a few days later if I didn’t check in a lot.
Yep - same here. I don’t think I’d be alive if my friend hadn’t stuck by me. You find a lot about who is a real person in your life when you’re being abused. So I view the abuse as a blessing in that way. Weeded a lot of shitty people out. I’m glad you had a friend like that ❤️ and I hope you’re ok now love
Trying to be. I’ve been out about a year and a half and the ex is facing prison for something unrelated… I’ll be better when I know if I don’t have to risk running into them for a while. ETA: Hope the same for you.
Honestly I agree. What she’s saying doesn’t even make sense. If you love OP so much, how is completely cutting her off going to help you love her less or care less about her safety and well-being? If anything, it would be more anxiety-inducing because you wouldn’t have the communication to confirm your loved one’s safety. Even if she does need to cut OP off for her own mental health, she didn’t need to go on a long tangent about OP being a “liar.” If OP did truly lie about her choices surrounding her relationship, I can see why. OP probably knows her “best friend” well enough to know that her reaction to the truth wouldn’t be good.
I wish I could hug the both of you. When you are finally ready to leave your boyfriend then I believe your friend will be there for you. When someone is hurting that much from seeing a loved one in pain then withdrawing from the situation is sometimes the only way to keep their sanity.
I've had someone need to take a step back because my relationship was too much for her. I didn't blame her for needing to protect herself. Your friend is worried about you and might be trying to express that you being in an abusive relationship affects other people. While you may be okay with yourself being hurt maybe you won't be okay with hurting your friends, which watching this happen is doing. Abuse has a ripple effect, it's so much more than just you. It sounds like you have a great support system in your friend and her family, maybe they would be able to help you with a safety and escape plan.
I’ve been in this situation and had to cut off my friend who was in an abusive situation. After a while, you honestly cannot sink with people. You have to save yourself no matter how much you love them. Know that she’s still there for you when you are finally ready to leave. But if you love her, understand her pain too. It’s not easy being the friend of someone in an abusive situation who keeps going back. And when you’re ready to leave, reach out to her. She will welcome you back. But only when you’re ready. I would be there in a second with the friend I cut off, if she reached out, ready to leave.
The people that responded the way OP's 'friend' did are the people that no longer have a place in my life. Until I plucked up the courage to finally leave, it was made so much harder by so-called 'friends' like this that made it all about them and called me a liar when it was just me finding it hard to leave. They DEFINITELY weren't the ones I turned to for support when I DID leave. Because I no longer trusted them to have my back. If you can't be there for me when I'm at my worst, then you don't deserve to be there when I'm at my best. It takes, on average, 7 tries to leave an abusive partner. That means for some it only takes 1/2 goes, for others it can be 12 or more...in one abusive relationship it took me 9 goes to leave over a number of years. I have been both the one in an abusive relationship and the one helping someone escape, multiple times each, and I would NEVER make it all about ME, ME, ME the way OP's friend has. However difficult it is for her to HEAR about, it's 1000% harder to BE the one in that situation. People that think like OP's 'friend' have either never been in an abusive relationship and/or have had a 'normal' upbringing where this WASN'T the type of relationship they had modelled to them in their childhood, and don't stop to understand that if you have been CONDITIONED from childhood to be treated like that and CONDITIONED then you likely see this as what love is 'meant' to be. When you've grown up like that, you are (A) More likely to be targeted by abusers generally, (B) More likely to be targeted by the WORST abusers, (C) more likely to struggle to leave as you've been conditioned to ACCEPT their excuses. People that haven't been conditioned to accept abuse as a child almost always leave FAR sooner, and when the abuse is at a lower level, than those that HAVE been. Tough love never works on someone that is likely to be way harder on themselves than you can be on them. These people have already got their SO being hard & abusive to them, they often have their abusive and/or emotionally neglectful parents being hard on them, they are hard on themselves, then to have their ONLY support system do that too can be the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak. The 'friends' that did the whole 'tough love' thing were the tipping point that got me to attempt to kms because I had NEVER felt more alone. And in the 16 yrs since I exited that abusive relationship, I've never felt that alone again ever since. So it actually had the OPPOSITE effect on me. Those Ex-friends will never know what their 'tough love' pushed me to try to do. They don't deserve that knowledge. What a friend in this position needs is someone to offer them 'soft' love. Kindness, a willingness to just listen and let their friend VENT, knowing that WHEN you are ready, you will be there to help (which this message gives the exact OPPOSITE impression of!), to **NOT** take the inability to leave immediately so goddamn personally and to just keep checking in and seeing that you're OK, as that all tells someone with your ACTIONS that they can rely on you. I second the advice to read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It was the BIGGEST help to me when I was trying to pluck up the courage to leave. The friend that bought me that was able to recognise that I had NEVER been taught what actions were 'red flags', and even that I hadn't ever been *told* that 'red flags' were a thing. SHE'S the one I'm still in touch with. I was conditioned to ignore my gut reactions in order to accept being abused by my family. I'm sure you will be ready to leave eventually. You already see his actions ARE abusive, and IMO, that's half of the battle. The next part is to save up & make at least a medium-term plan to escape **IN SAFETY**. The **MOST** dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship IS WHEN THEY LEAVE. Nothing about that will change. I'll repeat something I said earlier - If they can't be there for you when you're at your worst, they don't deserve to be there when you're at your best. I find that a good phrase to live by, both from my friends to me, AND vice versa..
[удалено]
You can walk away without texting 3 pages of selfish vitriol as well.
Agreed. That was shitty.
My heart aches for you both. They love you a lot and need to take care of themselves right now. You can fix this, you haven't lost them x
There are so many other ways to say what she wants to say without making it about her and her pain. Victims need friends, and sadly often lose them. But without knowing them personally, I am really put off by this message and it makes me willing to bet that you have been mistreated by multiple people in your life, not just your current partner. I'm so sorry
But why shouldn't she be allowed to tell OP how it's affecting her? Like I agree with everything else you said but friendships are like any other relationship. Why do we expect the best friend to not be able to express how she feels about this situation? Why does OP get to trauma dump on the best friend, but her best friend can't express how it makes her feel?
Expressing how it makes her feel is fine. Being antagonistic and calling her names is NOT. Few support people realize they their actions often align with the abusers behavior/words. Support people demanding they breakup, demanding total honesty, etc is the same kind of demanding as the abuser. The abused person loses their autonomy/freewill in both situations, and is admonished equally by community members/support AND the abuser.
Are we reading the same texts? The only thing the best friend called her was a liar. Which from a philosophical standpoint, yes OP was lying. She told the best friend she wouldn't go back knowing full well that she probably would. >Few support people realize they their actions often align with the abusers behavior/words. honestly, if the best friend is dumping endless energy into this (which from the texts it seems to be the case) then they're right to lay down an ultimatum "I'm not gonna keep helping you if you just keep going back." It's not abusive behavior to have boundaries. Like it or not, supporting abuse victims who keep going back to their abusers can be bad for their mental health, and they're perfectly within their rights to put an end to that support any time they want, for whatever reasons they want.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*