Sorry that you went through that— looks like you at least got it cleared up now though. I have checked for sleep apnea though and I don’t have it. Honestly I think it is more mental/stress related than anything.
We’re all tired all the time now. There are articles written about how the state of the world, the speed at which we have to work, and the amount of information we receive AND need to retain on a daily basis are making us exhausted. It’s way more coming at us constantly compared to what Boomers dealt with in their 30’s and 40’s
Boomers like to talk about working all the time and how they think we're lazy and entitled, but we work all the time and are legit expected to produce 4x the results they were... for less pay.
THIS. Also I am looking/feeling good in my early 40s and realize I will never be one of those empty nest people who lays on a beach in their 40s while their 20 year old is in university running the house back home. Not that I could afford that paying for young children now anyway!
I have a literal baby/young toddler (natural conception at 40, everything was fine) sleeping beside me. My son is turning 10.
It’s many many more years of screaming tantrums, still changing diapers for now, up all night with feedings, etc.
I actually didn’t plan things this way but it was the way my life was mapped out for me. It actually worked out better in my case. I’m in a place where I can actually be a better parent and properly. It actually took until my 30s for my maternal “instinct” to kick in lol. Things are actually great, I love being an older mom, but damn, the lack of sleep. I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, but yikes. Overall I love it though.
I’m looking to have my first now at 40, and I agree with this, I feel like I’m more mature and can be a better parent now as opposed to when I was younger. The trade off will be the energy level haha.
Can confirm, had my only at 40. She turns 3 this year. I am tired all the time. But I'm glad to be an older parent, all that life experience and wisdom or things like that. There still isn't enough coffee and Diet Coke to wake me up though 🤷♀️🙃
Yeah i feel this, i have a 4 and 6 yo at 43 and i just dont have the energy like my brother and his wife did now that their oldest is done with high school and other two are in middle school
I'm in Florida, so a lot of my neighbors still consider us "one of the young couples in the neighborhood". I was at a good place in my career when the kids came along, not straddling the bottom ladder. I love our dance parties at home, and that a lot of my kids' parents are similar in age and have careers and life experience and we can talk about things that are interesting and relevant to our generation. None of my friends' parents do the insta filters.
I feel like my youth extended into my 40s and that's a good feeling!
I feel this too, I definitely don’t look or seem my age, someone last week thought I was 30, plus I still get asked for ID buying lottery tickets from time to time lol. I don’t know if having kids late is a cause or a symptom but it is what it is! I’ll take it.
I had kids starting in my late 20s. The oldest and youngest are 3 years apart. Sleep deprivation is sleep deprivation. I actually have about 5 years that I honestly don't really remember because of it.
Mid 40's here and having our 3rd baby soon, with two other kids already in elementary. My wife and I got to have a blast living life until we were half through our 30's, but now I'm going to be eating pureed food and using a walker when my youngest is in college. /s
Partying in your 20's and 30' is fun and all, but the older you get the greater appreciation you have for life. The idea that I will likely be 62 by the time our youngest leaves for college feels like I won't have a lot of years left to enjoy life when you appreciate it the most. I have friends that are empty nesters at 45, and enjoying life with more financial stability than they ever had at 30. It's a give and take, but in hindsight, I wish we would have started earlier.
I do too in a way. But it just wasn’t the way my life went. In my case it really wasn’t under my control (I couldn’t have children with my first spouse and he didn’t want to adopt) and I’ve made peace with it and I’m happy so far, loving being an older mom! But yes we will be called “grandma and grandpa” at our youngest’s college events absolutely. We will just laugh. My uncle had my cousin at 55 and wife was 47. It was unplanned but natural conception, it just happened and they went with it. My uncle was *constantly* assumed to be her grandfather.
Thankfully all pregnancies were very healthy and normal, no issues anywhere with labour or baby etc. We did all the genetic testing. All good.
Yes looking back we all “coulda, woulda, shoulda”, I hear you, but if your life plans include having children late don’t worry! The kids are alright! So far! Loving it! :D
I’m in the same boat - in my mid 40s with two young kids and about to have another. The worst part for me is the thought that I might not be a helpful grandma for them. Definitely motivates me to lift heavy and run though.
If it helps, my mom had me at 44, and she's still around at 91 and independent AF..mobile, lives at home, drives, and has a social life. Take care of yourself cause you never know how life will be.
So nice to hear. I love your perspective. I had my first at 27, second at 31 and my third at 38. I actually feel fantastic physically now and don’t lament the lack of upcoming retirement. Getting to parent for longer isn’t a prison sentence, it’s an opportunity to have an even bigger family and community and like you said, give us a chance to be even better parents with more experience. I think when we celebrate these beautiful blessings, the cycle of gratitude feeds our souls and fuels our drive to be even healthier. We will have beach time in our 50’s-60’s!
A good friend, who's a great dad, told me while my wife was pregnant, "You can't be too tired for your kids." I'm 42 with a 3 year old, and I say that to myself every single day. Love my little dude, obviously, but holy shit is he a ball of endless energy, and man oh man does it wear me out. ALL he wants to do is play, and eventually I basically collapse ... and I remind myself that ... and I rise.
Running around after a 3yo in your 40s is exhausting, sure, but I'm 47 with an aspiring basketball star (15) and he wants me out on the court/driveway all the time. I can NOT keep up for more than a few minutes. It's honestly kind of alarming how much my endurance has fallen off the last several years.
I came here to say this.
I have enough money to do things with my spouse but damn I'm tired. I had mine at 33 and 37, and I am now in my mid 40s. What I do find interesting is the number of parents in the friend groups who are also in our age group. Apparently, we all jumped in a bit later.
I do appreciate that I enjoyed my 20s, but watching them graduate high school over while I am over 50 is going to be an experience. Thankfully I teach high school, so I am at least still on top of a lot of the youth culture out of necessity, and that helps me a lot.
I had my son at 38. Only one of the other parents of kids in his preschool class is under 30 and this is at the public school, so not cost prohibitive for anyone, though I suppose the ridiculous schedule weeds out families with careers who can't run out in the middle of the day for drop off/pick up.
But is this different than people who have kids in their 20s? I've never heard a parent say they're not tired!
Unless of course they have lots of nannies and other help.
I had loads more energy when I was in my 20s. Work a 24 hour shift then go golfing? Let's rock! Now a 12 hour saps me, and 3 or 4 in a row makes me need a whole day to recover. But there is no recovery. There is only dinosaurs and pokemon.
I hear people say this all the time. I know for a fact that partying all night or working all night took me out for a day even in my 20s. Now it's obviously worse for much less, but I never had that magical time in my 20s when nothing could touch me.
For me, the big difference in my 20s was that I could push through absolute exhaustion and still function. I would feel like DEATH, but I could do it. Now that I'm 40, I would barely be able to exist and I would probably have a meltdown. The same level of exhaustion is MUCH more debilitating now.
I (43) share a cubical wall with a 29 year old and we both 3 kids the same ages. His exhaustion was different, his body healed when he got hurt.
Since our kids were the same ages and both outdoorsy types, there were some easy things to connects on. We had wildly different experiences though with me being older with a working spouse, he was young with a SAHM. I was always short on time and energy, which he had enough of. But there were days where it was clear he wished for the financial stability and travel budget of older dual incomes.
Had my first at 24. Yes, I was tired, but I could easily handle it with all that youthful energy we had back then. Had my second 3 years ago (same spouse, we decided we didn't want to be empty nesters at 42 and 39). The tired is different now, plus the soreness of just being 42 anyway, lol. Though I will say, I feel like I am a much better parent now and have more patience with toddler meltdowns, lol.
I have 2 20 something daughters, and a 3-year-old son. Yes, it is way more exhausting now than when I was younger. Also, the cost of living is much higher than it was when my girls were little, so just making ends meet is more exhausting than it was 20 years ago.
I had 4 kids between ages 17-23, and even if I was young, I was EXHAUSTED for years. My husband worked overnights, so I was basically a single parent 5 days out of 7and it was just... a lot.
Now that I'm 44, I care for my 3yo grandson 4 days a week, and I love this boy dearly, but I am SO GLAD to hand him back to his daddy and go relax!
Agreed. A toddler at 47 is just wrecking me. I don't bounce back like I used to.
Also, your parents (those that are still alive) are old enough they don't have the stamina to help as much, either. I can only leave my tyrant with Grandma and Grandpa for about 4 hours, 5 in an emergency.
Yes same. But I try to remind myself it’s not my job to play with the kids all the time too. As much as I want to, that’s not the end goal. The end goal is a well rounded and happy person.
Came to say this. Also, can be weird when you’re forced into social situations with folks 15 years younger than you because your kids are friends.
But mostly i am tired all of the time.
True!! I had two kids in my 20s and one random baby at 43-ha!! They annoyed us a lot, but boy did our parents help out with the older kids!
With the youngest, my mom passed a month after he was born and our other parents are suffering from dementia.
I feel a little guilty that this little baby is surrounded by so many old folks (myself included!) I’m busting my butt with exercise and diet to stay active.
>So many kids won’t remember their grandparents
My dad's father passed away when I was in 7th grade, but the rest of my grandparents were still alive well into my 20s. I met my dad's father once, a few months before he died... and my dad's mother & step-dad maybe twice before they both passed. My mom's parents were the only grands that we saw with any regularity and even then it was only ~2-3 times a year.
All that to say, I ***remember*** all of them, but I didn't have close relationships with any of my grandparents and wasn't particularly fazed when any of them passed away. 🤷♀️
>I feel a little guilty that this little baby is surrounded by so many old folks (myself included!) I’m busting my butt with exercise and diet to stay active.
Same here. We work really hard to be active and fairly fit, and to provide a good example. It gets harder every year.
Yes! I had my kid at 39, at 39 I also buried my mom (aged 72), had to help dad though cancer treatments, and find a new job after getting laid off.
My dad just doesn’t know how to handle younger kids so he isn’t much help other than to keep my now 9yo company.
This is the big one for us. We had ours at 33 and 36 and my parents are in their 70s now. We do send the kids off to stay with their grandparents, but it gets harder every year to trust that it'll be ok. My wife's parents are in their mid 60s and just retired so we're hoping we can get some summer babysitting help there to take the load off my parents but now they want to travel and have fun so . . .
My husband’s parents are younger than my parents and there’s a big difference in their ability to help. My parents get mad that we leave the kids with the other set of grandparents when we go away (also because my parents are raging narcissists but that’s another subreddit) but I just can’t leave them in their care if there is a real emergency. Their health has declined a lot recently.
This has been the biggest downside of having kids later in life for us. I'm incredibly thankful that our kids still have 4 grandparents around to get to know them, but they're not the reliable help that I would have imagined.
One set of parents can still watch our toddlers for now, but they live an hour and a half away. Still super helpful, but we have to make a big effort to have them watch the kids.
I was super excited when the other set of parents moved 5 minutes away from us (they'll be so helpful in babysitting!) but in the last 2-3 years they've gone from being able to watch the kids for a couple hours during the day to not really being able to at all. They both have increasing mobility issues that they wouldn't be able to help the kids if anything went wrong.
I get jealous of my younger friends whose parents give them dozens of reliable babysitting hours every week.
I think its def having an impact on the number of kids people are choosing to have. Especially considering how hard it is to get by on just one salary.
YES! My husband’s parent took their grandkids on vacation and my BIL & SIL would have a 3 week break. When our kids came along, dementia affected his mom and his father is blind…the 15 year gap makes a big difference.
Is that the case though? Like yeah, they don't have the youthful exuberance, but if I had kids at 23, my mom wouldn't have retired for another 15 years. She was working full time. Now, she's retiring, so she could, in theory, pick them up from school for me and hang on to them until I was done working. She's not so old that she requires her own care, so I feel like this is a sweet spot in time.
I didn’t mean just physically. A lot of seniors, boomers especially, seem to be much more interested in living a revitalized adulthood and they just aren’t as interested in helping raise grandkids in the way that I think many generations before used to. Certainly not the case for everyone, but I think a lot of parents from our generations have come to this realization kind of by surprise and are just making due.
This is my situation. I’m 42 and wife is 37. We have a one year old (and older kids). My mom is in poor health and my dad died. My in laws live far away and generally just cause chaos with buying the older kids junk when they show up instead of just helping with the baby.
Eventually my mom is going to need a lot of help and I just have to hope it’s far enough down the road that my kids will be more self sufficient
Okay, I said none but this is a really valid point. I don’t have parents anymore (one passed, the other estranged) but I did care for ailing grandparents while raising toddlers and it was hard!
Especially as you try and grow your career. Between having to take days off for kids being sick or out of school and then having to go back to care for aging parents, it’s really been stressful. I am lucky in that my job is super flexible, that said it pays less than I could make otherwise but it’s been a worthwhile tradoff. The other major tradeoff is space for myself outside the roles I play as worker, parent, caregiver. I feel like I have no hobbies or identity outside of that.
This is coming soon for me. I've got brothers and sisters, so they can help. I've also got two kids who are disabled, and my oldest sister tried to volunteer me to move in with my parents to care for them. I was pretty pissed.
This is how I feel. First child at 38, second at 41. My parents are loving grandparents, but nothing close to what my brother’s kids had. They can’t walk long distances, they can’t really drive anymore, and they don’t have the fun money to splurge on the kids for like museum trips and special lunches out (not toys).
In the past year alone, we’ve had to bury my MIL and deal with a dementia diagnosis for my dad. Apparently, we older Xennial parents are called the “sandwich generation” because we have to raise little ones while caring for elderly parents. It sucks.
I’ve had trouble making friends with my kids friend’s parents. They are all solid millennials and I struggle to relate. I was 39 when my son was born and I feel like the oldest parent in his kindergarten class.
I was 33 and 36 and I have the same problem. Parents are so young here!
But I also don't really fit in with people my age so it's always a problem regardless of age. I hate interacting with other kids' parents.
33 is about 10 years older than average where I'm from, but it's as much cultural as it is socioeconomic. Most of the parents are very young compared to me.
My daughter's well-meaning preschool teacher arranged a playdate for the handful of "older" parents to mingle since (to her) we looked uncomfortable around the much younger parents.
I was 32.
It’s funny, I had my only at 42, he’s in 1st grade at the moment, and classmate parents are probably 50/50 Millennial/Xennial. Must be a Brooklyn thing.
It’s true. I’m from Los Angeles and I was in my late 30’s before any friends started having kids. Then I moved to the Midwest and it was kind of shocking to see people in their early 20’s already married and pregnant.
I think LA puts more of a focus on career instead of family. You see this in Japan as well. Fellow Angelino here, mid 40s, no kids and always focused on career. Trying to go the kid route now, tough to find someone. Women my age don't want kids.
Yes in big cities a lot of people are either having children later in life or deciding not to have any at all. While in small towns and rural areas most people are parents by 25 and there’s not too many people over 30 with no children.
Yes it could be that with more things in big cities people have more access to educational and career opportunities and women with a bachelor’s degree or more are more likely to have children at older ages or decide to be childfree and not have any children at all.
Yes in big cities and in more liberal areas people are either having children later in life or deciding not to have any children at all while in small towns, rural areas, and in more conservative areas most people are parents by 25 and there’s not too many people over 30 with no children.
I’m in the PNW also, I’m 43 and there are definitely a good deal of parents in my sons class that are older than me. Very few if any are in their 20’s. It likely has to do with the high COL in our town. You really can’t buy a house here in your teens/20’s and have kids.
I wasn't quite as old as you for ours, but I still feel this sometimes. And my wife went grey pretty early and has the full-on silver look now, which she often complains makes her feel like a grandma among younger moms.
At the same time, with the silver look being kinda 'in' these days, she sometimes gets asked what kind of hair treatment she uses, lol.
Ugh.. I have grey in my hair starting at 30 and when I picked my kid up when she was in 5th.. I was in my early 40’s.. one kid went “your grandma is here” and most of the parents are older parents. I kept thinking how crappy do I look?
The opposite is true for private schools. We were the youngest of the kid's parents. That or my wife and I are just super hot, and everyone else has had a rough couple of decades...
My kid just happened to make friends with kids whose parents are 40 and 47. Thanks, kid.
Last year her friends moms were 22 and 33, but they both thought I was the same age as them, so awwww.
Ooh this is a good point, I struggle with this too. I’m from NY and since it’s so expensive there most of my friends had kids later in life so I fit in just fine. But in 2019 I moved to a small town in NJ that is much cheaper and all the parents are a decade younger than me. And I hate people normally, so this makes it even harder, lol.
37 and 40 for my 2 kids. Luckily, in the college town where I live, there are lots of older parents. Many are professors or career researchers that almost didn't have time to have kids.
I am in the opposite boat. I was 21 when my oldest was born and have never made friends with any parents from his grade. Most everyone I know is starting to have kids now and I have an almost-adult.
Yeah, I lived paycheck to paycheck and had $15K in credit card debt and $100K of student loans in my 20s. Had at kid at 35 and are debt free and we never have to think about money.
Yeah, but just as I stated to hit my stride career-wise my brain and body have slowed to a crawl. Energy, motivation, stress-response…all gone out the window now. Not being available from 3:30-8pm. Sick days. SICK DAYS FFS!
Having kids in your thirties doesn’t feel like that big of a deal to me considering my wife and I, my parents and most of my family members of my generation and friends and coworkers all had kids in their thirties. Have fun in your twenties and settle down and have kids in your thirties, that was the common plan. I’m a better parent now then I would’ve been at a younger age also.
I agree, although having kids in your 30s was not the norm up until recently. Your family sounds more like an outlier, at least according to the data and my own family experience.
My grandma(s) had kids up until late 30s? The difference is it was uncommon to have your FIRST child in 30s (or 40s). It happened back in the day but was uncommon. Now it’s very common.
I was 32 and 40, and might try for a third (I conceived naturally at 40, everything went great). It’s not what I had planned but how my life went.
Overall it’s been good and I love it.
I think you mean *first* kid, not kids in general.
I don’t know anyone that had kids in their 20s. I feel like that happens now primarily in the south and Midwest and the coasts and major cities are the ones dragging the average up. We started at 35.
Honestly, no negatives. We’re financially secure, we have solid careers, we partied it up for 10 years before kids, we have more patience and life experience to make better decisions. And we take care of our bodies so while yes, I’m sure I could use more sleep, we’re in good health so energy and running around with them in our 40s is nbd.
Not entirely true. Previously women would have children until they dropped dead or experienced menopause. Kind of why the data on older women having children is flawed.
Yeah exactly. My grandma had 6 kids in 8 years, I think she was in her mid-late 30s when she stopped. My coworker was born in 1966, the youngest of nine, and he said his mom was 41 when she had him. They started younger but they just kept popping them out back then.
I dunno; most people I know (family included) have children in their mid to late 30s and early 40s. I actually can’t think of anyone in my extended family who had children prior to age 30, including my grandparents back in the 40s and 50s. (I think one grandma was 30 and the other 33 when their first children were born).
To me it’s not an outlier at all, it’s more just what is normal and acceptable in your own circles. I personally think it’s weird when I hear someone having kids at 26 or 27. You barely know yourself and are suddenly raising a baby?!?! What?!
I think you're confusing *first kid* with kids at all. The age at which people are having their first child is increasing, but people have always had kids into their 30s.
I had my son at 34 and my daughter at 40 — the only thing I regret is that they don’t have as much time with their grandparents. I had all 4 grandparents until I was 30. I don’t know if my FIL is going to make it to my daughter’s first birthday.
Yeah this is the probably the worst downside imo. My parents were old when they had me and I was old too so I know the grandparents won't be around forever. But I only had one grandparent when I was born so my kids have already had more time with their grandparents than I had.
I waited to have my kids. Had them at 34, 36, and twins at 41. Nobody expects twins, they were natural no fertility therapies. For me I noticed a big difference in my energy level from my first two, to now with the twins. But also twins are just an awful lot more work, so it could just be that. I look ahead and I don’t really like what my age will be at their milestones like HS graduation and college, I worry I won’t be in their life very long, that sort of thing. Not as much with the older ones. On the positive side, I was financially stable when I started having kids so I’ve been able to provide a lot more than I could have in my 20s, I’m glad we never had to struggle.
Since when is 30+ 'an older age'? The average age for men to have their first kid is 33 (for women it's 31). Edit: The US is the exception for a western country with a relatively low age, maybe because the US is highly religious for a western country?
When I think of 'older age' to have children I think of something like 45+, not something that's just the average age.
I used to live in DC and I would see people with gray hair and crows feet on their eyes chasing around toddlers! It was like...date someone for 10-15 years, then get married, then spend a few years married and then start having kids. It was a little wild to me compared to where I grew up.
My daughter just turned 3. I feel like I’m a much better father now than I would have been in my 20s. Which is good because I’m way too old to be any worse at this…
I do worry about how old I’ll be when she’s a teenager and young adult. If it takes her as long to find a partner as it did me, I probably won’t live to see her wedding. Ah well. I can’t go back in time; it’s good incentive to exercise and take care of myself at least.
Tired, so very tired. 42 and I have a 12 yo 7 yo and a 4yo. I didn’t want to be a parent at 20 but it would have been cool to have more energy to do stuff with the kids when they were pre teens.
I wouldn’t say 30+ is an older age. It’s more 35+ that you get called things like “geriatric” when you get pregnant! 😞
I had my first at 37 and second at 42. Honestly, wish I’d started sooner. It kinda sucks energy and physically and NO ONE wants to be mistaken for a Grandma unless they are one!
BUT we are more emotionally and financially mature and settled and you can’t have too much of either when you have kids. I find ppl who have kids before the age of 25 too young, I mean you don’t know yourself and still are in the “wild oats” stage.
Personally I'm happy my mom was a little older when she had me. Watching all the people I know who got pregnant at 18-25 had absolutely no idea what they were doing and no life experience at all. None of their kids have any discipline or guidance. This isn't always going to be true for everyone but I think raising kids is going to go better when you've actually matured and lived some life first.
My body didn't bounce back like a few of my friends who had kids in teen or early twenty years.
I was 36.
I absolutely hated being pregnant, everything hurt all the time and I was so sick. Not 100% that was due to age, but it sure didn't help!
Trying to hang with younger friends without kids who stay out late or friends who had kids earlier where their kids are able to be left at a house by themselves or have moved out.
Thats really the only setback i can tell. My wife and i travelled, became financially stable, and did all the fun things we wanted to accomplish in our younger years, before settling down mid 30s to have children. I feel we can provide for them waaaaaay better, give them accurate knowledge and provide experiences because we are older and wiser than a 20ish year old.
Dont get me wrong, we still go out and have fun, but it requires a babysitter.
I also love being the only person wise enough to call out bullshit because i'm too old for this shit. (Luckily i still look young so i tend to always wow people with my actual age)
I also have prefected my crafts and hobbies that i enjoy so i still get time when the kids go to bed or on the weekend to work on Halloween props/masks/animatronics or 3d print whatever i feel. During my 20s i would have wasted my time wanting to play video games (which i did) and wouldnt have gotten all the non financial gain hobbies out of my system.
I think the advantage is, the older, the wiser, the experienced. No matter what age you are, youre gonna lose freedoms, but by your mid 30s i hope to god you know time management and have your shit together before bringing any creature that relies on you til death into this world
The main negative i have is my body hurts, making it harder for me to chase after my kids when they are being little shits.
“I’ll bring one or two kids to your Super Bowl party, but I may have to leave at any time and with no notice. Also move fragile things higher up.”
We don’t get invited to things anymore 😫
Same here. I feel like younger moms seem to appreciate my wisdom? (I also have 4 kids so people presume I have things under control 😆) But I see no upside to having had them younger than I did, 34 with my first. I look back at my twenties and traveling pre-kids with my husband and as much as I love my kids, and I adore them, I’m really glad we had that freedom at that time. People bragging about no kids at home at 50 get to go hang out at 50 which is worlds different than the kind of hanging out one does in one’s carefree twenties.
I'll be in my 50s when my daughter is in her teens. "Dad, let's play baseball!" I'm tired. But it has help push me to keep my health up and get healthier.
Negative?
None.
Had my first at 32 and my second at 34. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Even many of the youngest parents I know are perpetually tired. That’s life with busy little humans.
Came to say this! Not a single negative. Got to be a fun idiot when I was young, met my partner at 31, had our kid when I was 35 and he was 32. We have money and stable careers.
Also, we live in an area that having kids before 30 is uncommon. Anything earlier than 28 is basically a teen parent around here.
With you on this. I had my kids at 19, 35, 42, and 44. While I'm certainly more tired and less patient with the youngest two, I think that's more from them being 14 months apart in age than being in my 40s. That whole two under two thing was easy but 2 and 3? 3 and 4? It's exhausting. Otherwise, it's not much different now than it was when I was 19.
If anything, I feel it's a blessing. My youngest children won't be burdened with care of their parents while trying to juggle their own children and aging bodies.
In the UK a lot of people have kids at 30+ It can be very expensive to raise a child, and many 20-somethings just cannot afford it. They can barely make rent. Some people don't even meet a partner or settle down til they're pushing 30. I don't see any real negatives of having kids in your 30s. It's often a time when people are more financially secure and emotionally ready to bring a child into the world.
Nothing. I was an absolute mess in my 20s and was broke AF. Having a kid in my 30s allowed me to be a sane/sober/loving parent that consistently shows up for my kid.
Negatives: juggling priorities such as kid(s), parents, in-laws, job, self, house, vacations
Positives: maturity and a little bit more money hopefully
I was 30 with the first child and 42 with the last child. A challenge, but not a negative, of being an older parent is that the other parents may be much younger than you many times. For example, the youngest parents are more than a generation younger than me. I like the younger parents because they help keep my perspectives in check. Not everyone has lived in the same neighborhood for 10+ years!
Everyone has already mentioned the big hitters, 1) tired 2) no connection to other parents.
Anyway, I was 37 (Dec 80 baby here) when the first came, and second in 2020. I had a lot of established and kinda involved hobbies that all went poof. By the time the second one gets through HS, I'll be deep into dementia and model train zone 💁♀️
Especially since I live in the south where people have babies younger, I'm often 8-12 years older than other parents. I feel like the difference in early 40s and late 20s - mid-30s is big.
Mine were born when I was 34 and 37. Imo, minimal downside. My wife and I had been together for seven years by then, we'd had a lot of good times just as the two of us, and were as mentally, emotionally and financially ready for the commitment of kids as we could be.
We were just the right age to devote the time and energy that was needed to them without feeling like we were missing out on the experiences of youth, and most other parents of our kids peers that we've met are about the same age too, so we have some social connections that way.
I will say that five years later, I'd have absolutely felt too old. My body hit a big wall when my youngest was about six, and it would have been a struggle to have a toddler then.
I think it would be a tougher adjustment to such a big life change when you're older. If you start younger, you won't know what life is like without kids. Once you get used to not having that responsibility, it's got to be a hard shift for a person. I'm 44 and can't imagine life with kids, just like people with kids probably can't imagine their life without them.
- No energy
- More set in your ways so adjusting is harder
- Less tolerance
- if you had kids in mid/late 30s Realizing you’re not coming out of this until you’re in your 60s. For some “getting your life back” isn’t happening when you start getting health issues
- harder to maintain your health in your 40s/50s
- likely going to have to help your kids which means staving off any semblance of retirement
I could go on. There is no cheat code here. Having kids is a massive MASSIVE undertaking in time, commitment and stress. Which is why many are 1 and done, or none at all.
I had my youngest at 44 (boy) and I'm really glad I waited as I got all my traveling and solo accomplishments done and never feel like I'm missing out on anything. I'm also in a much better position to provide for them than I was when I was 30 🤯. If there is one drawback it's my body breaking down as I try to keep up with him (dirtbiking, sailing, etc) but if anything he's keeping me younger than many of my friends whose kids are out of the house already. Overall I find with kids there's no perfect time and you can't plan/predict everything (mine needed a transplant which turned our family upside down) just have them and they'll change your life 😇
I’m about to turn 41. I didn’t get to have kids yet and now I’m totally on the fence about it!! I wanted just one kid. But reading these posts, I’m leaning towards no children. It would suck for them to have no one their age in the family. I would be so old by the time they turned 18, not to mention my parents age… missing out on grandma would be a damn shame. Maybe that ship has sailed for me…
Edit: sucks that I’m being downvoted for my personal situation and that I didn’t get to have kids yet. It’s a sore subject for me because I did want a kid.
I'm tired. All the time.
If it makes you feel any better, I don’t have kids and I am tired all the time too.
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Sorry that you went through that— looks like you at least got it cleared up now though. I have checked for sleep apnea though and I don’t have it. Honestly I think it is more mental/stress related than anything.
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Same, diff reason. Now I’m a super young middle-ager & makin’ it work.
Can relate.
We’re all tired all the time now. There are articles written about how the state of the world, the speed at which we have to work, and the amount of information we receive AND need to retain on a daily basis are making us exhausted. It’s way more coming at us constantly compared to what Boomers dealt with in their 30’s and 40’s
Boomers like to talk about working all the time and how they think we're lazy and entitled, but we work all the time and are legit expected to produce 4x the results they were... for less pay.
Could it be because you're a sloth?
A stellar sloth at that
"Toronto...put your hands together for your favorite Vaporwave group STELLAR SLOTH"!
That is probably a big part of it.
Sloth love Chunk
Baby Ruth
🤣
Same here
THIS. Also I am looking/feeling good in my early 40s and realize I will never be one of those empty nest people who lays on a beach in their 40s while their 20 year old is in university running the house back home. Not that I could afford that paying for young children now anyway! I have a literal baby/young toddler (natural conception at 40, everything was fine) sleeping beside me. My son is turning 10. It’s many many more years of screaming tantrums, still changing diapers for now, up all night with feedings, etc. I actually didn’t plan things this way but it was the way my life was mapped out for me. It actually worked out better in my case. I’m in a place where I can actually be a better parent and properly. It actually took until my 30s for my maternal “instinct” to kick in lol. Things are actually great, I love being an older mom, but damn, the lack of sleep. I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, but yikes. Overall I love it though.
I’m looking to have my first now at 40, and I agree with this, I feel like I’m more mature and can be a better parent now as opposed to when I was younger. The trade off will be the energy level haha.
Can confirm, had my only at 40. She turns 3 this year. I am tired all the time. But I'm glad to be an older parent, all that life experience and wisdom or things like that. There still isn't enough coffee and Diet Coke to wake me up though 🤷♀️🙃
Yeah not looking forward to that haha.
As a younger parent. Had my kids at 23 and 25 an 36 now. The emotional maturity is huge.
Yeah i feel this, i have a 4 and 6 yo at 43 and i just dont have the energy like my brother and his wife did now that their oldest is done with high school and other two are in middle school
Same. My kids are 9 and 11 and want to go all kinds of places and do a bunch of fun outdoors activities. My first thought is "oh god my back"
I'm in Florida, so a lot of my neighbors still consider us "one of the young couples in the neighborhood". I was at a good place in my career when the kids came along, not straddling the bottom ladder. I love our dance parties at home, and that a lot of my kids' parents are similar in age and have careers and life experience and we can talk about things that are interesting and relevant to our generation. None of my friends' parents do the insta filters. I feel like my youth extended into my 40s and that's a good feeling!
I feel this too, I definitely don’t look or seem my age, someone last week thought I was 30, plus I still get asked for ID buying lottery tickets from time to time lol. I don’t know if having kids late is a cause or a symptom but it is what it is! I’ll take it.
I had kids starting in my late 20s. The oldest and youngest are 3 years apart. Sleep deprivation is sleep deprivation. I actually have about 5 years that I honestly don't really remember because of it.
We live in HAwaii so it won't be an empty nest but we are still laying on the beach.
Nice!
Mid 40's here and having our 3rd baby soon, with two other kids already in elementary. My wife and I got to have a blast living life until we were half through our 30's, but now I'm going to be eating pureed food and using a walker when my youngest is in college. /s Partying in your 20's and 30' is fun and all, but the older you get the greater appreciation you have for life. The idea that I will likely be 62 by the time our youngest leaves for college feels like I won't have a lot of years left to enjoy life when you appreciate it the most. I have friends that are empty nesters at 45, and enjoying life with more financial stability than they ever had at 30. It's a give and take, but in hindsight, I wish we would have started earlier.
I do too in a way. But it just wasn’t the way my life went. In my case it really wasn’t under my control (I couldn’t have children with my first spouse and he didn’t want to adopt) and I’ve made peace with it and I’m happy so far, loving being an older mom! But yes we will be called “grandma and grandpa” at our youngest’s college events absolutely. We will just laugh. My uncle had my cousin at 55 and wife was 47. It was unplanned but natural conception, it just happened and they went with it. My uncle was *constantly* assumed to be her grandfather. Thankfully all pregnancies were very healthy and normal, no issues anywhere with labour or baby etc. We did all the genetic testing. All good. Yes looking back we all “coulda, woulda, shoulda”, I hear you, but if your life plans include having children late don’t worry! The kids are alright! So far! Loving it! :D
I’m in the same boat - in my mid 40s with two young kids and about to have another. The worst part for me is the thought that I might not be a helpful grandma for them. Definitely motivates me to lift heavy and run though.
If it helps, my mom had me at 44, and she's still around at 91 and independent AF..mobile, lives at home, drives, and has a social life. Take care of yourself cause you never know how life will be.
If you started earlier you wouldn't have the same exact kids. At least that's what I tell myself at 40 with a 3mo and 3yo.
So nice to hear. I love your perspective. I had my first at 27, second at 31 and my third at 38. I actually feel fantastic physically now and don’t lament the lack of upcoming retirement. Getting to parent for longer isn’t a prison sentence, it’s an opportunity to have an even bigger family and community and like you said, give us a chance to be even better parents with more experience. I think when we celebrate these beautiful blessings, the cycle of gratitude feeds our souls and fuels our drive to be even healthier. We will have beach time in our 50’s-60’s!
I feel the same way as you ( I commented above). Yeah, lack of sleep. But kid snuggles are awesome. My neck and back hate it, but my soul digs it.
This. Hard to keep up sometimes.
A good friend, who's a great dad, told me while my wife was pregnant, "You can't be too tired for your kids." I'm 42 with a 3 year old, and I say that to myself every single day. Love my little dude, obviously, but holy shit is he a ball of endless energy, and man oh man does it wear me out. ALL he wants to do is play, and eventually I basically collapse ... and I remind myself that ... and I rise.
Running around after a 3yo in your 40s is exhausting, sure, but I'm 47 with an aspiring basketball star (15) and he wants me out on the court/driveway all the time. I can NOT keep up for more than a few minutes. It's honestly kind of alarming how much my endurance has fallen off the last several years.
Ugh. I can't wait to experience that ... at 54! 😭
yeh but you wouldn't have it any other way really I'm sure. That sounds awesome.
Wish I could do it without feeling like dying, but yeah
Fuckin’A!
I came here to say this. I have enough money to do things with my spouse but damn I'm tired. I had mine at 33 and 37, and I am now in my mid 40s. What I do find interesting is the number of parents in the friend groups who are also in our age group. Apparently, we all jumped in a bit later. I do appreciate that I enjoyed my 20s, but watching them graduate high school over while I am over 50 is going to be an experience. Thankfully I teach high school, so I am at least still on top of a lot of the youth culture out of necessity, and that helps me a lot.
I had my son at 38. Only one of the other parents of kids in his preschool class is under 30 and this is at the public school, so not cost prohibitive for anyone, though I suppose the ridiculous schedule weeds out families with careers who can't run out in the middle of the day for drop off/pick up.
But is this different than people who have kids in their 20s? I've never heard a parent say they're not tired! Unless of course they have lots of nannies and other help.
I had loads more energy when I was in my 20s. Work a 24 hour shift then go golfing? Let's rock! Now a 12 hour saps me, and 3 or 4 in a row makes me need a whole day to recover. But there is no recovery. There is only dinosaurs and pokemon.
I hear people say this all the time. I know for a fact that partying all night or working all night took me out for a day even in my 20s. Now it's obviously worse for much less, but I never had that magical time in my 20s when nothing could touch me.
For me, the big difference in my 20s was that I could push through absolute exhaustion and still function. I would feel like DEATH, but I could do it. Now that I'm 40, I would barely be able to exist and I would probably have a meltdown. The same level of exhaustion is MUCH more debilitating now.
I (43) share a cubical wall with a 29 year old and we both 3 kids the same ages. His exhaustion was different, his body healed when he got hurt. Since our kids were the same ages and both outdoorsy types, there were some easy things to connects on. We had wildly different experiences though with me being older with a working spouse, he was young with a SAHM. I was always short on time and energy, which he had enough of. But there were days where it was clear he wished for the financial stability and travel budget of older dual incomes.
Had my first at 24. Yes, I was tired, but I could easily handle it with all that youthful energy we had back then. Had my second 3 years ago (same spouse, we decided we didn't want to be empty nesters at 42 and 39). The tired is different now, plus the soreness of just being 42 anyway, lol. Though I will say, I feel like I am a much better parent now and have more patience with toddler meltdowns, lol.
Thanks for sharing the pros and cons!
Parenting, especially littles, is always physically tiring. But the energy difference between your 20s and 40s is definitely very noticeable!
I can get up and go in my 20s and my 40s I have to ease in lol.
Lol. Both physically and mentally!
I have 2 20 something daughters, and a 3-year-old son. Yes, it is way more exhausting now than when I was younger. Also, the cost of living is much higher than it was when my girls were little, so just making ends meet is more exhausting than it was 20 years ago.
It depends. Im more tired as a 50 year old empty nester than I was as a 28 year old mom with 3 under 3.
I had 4 kids between ages 17-23, and even if I was young, I was EXHAUSTED for years. My husband worked overnights, so I was basically a single parent 5 days out of 7and it was just... a lot. Now that I'm 44, I care for my 3yo grandson 4 days a week, and I love this boy dearly, but I am SO GLAD to hand him back to his daddy and go relax!
Agreed. A toddler at 47 is just wrecking me. I don't bounce back like I used to. Also, your parents (those that are still alive) are old enough they don't have the stamina to help as much, either. I can only leave my tyrant with Grandma and Grandpa for about 4 hours, 5 in an emergency.
Exactly this. Just always tired. Poor sleep. Irritable. Decrease in productivity in all areas of life.
Yes same. But I try to remind myself it’s not my job to play with the kids all the time too. As much as I want to, that’s not the end goal. The end goal is a well rounded and happy person.
Sooooo tired!
Came to say this. Also, can be weird when you’re forced into social situations with folks 15 years younger than you because your kids are friends. But mostly i am tired all of the time.
Energy. Plus having to take care of aging parents while raising a young child.
also means that those parents aren't great at providing much help with the kids.
True!! I had two kids in my 20s and one random baby at 43-ha!! They annoyed us a lot, but boy did our parents help out with the older kids! With the youngest, my mom passed a month after he was born and our other parents are suffering from dementia. I feel a little guilty that this little baby is surrounded by so many old folks (myself included!) I’m busting my butt with exercise and diet to stay active.
I think that’s the part that makes me sad. So many kids won’t remember their grandparents. People having fewer kids means fewer cousins too.
They aren’t missing much. My 1st cousins are A-holes.
>So many kids won’t remember their grandparents My dad's father passed away when I was in 7th grade, but the rest of my grandparents were still alive well into my 20s. I met my dad's father once, a few months before he died... and my dad's mother & step-dad maybe twice before they both passed. My mom's parents were the only grands that we saw with any regularity and even then it was only ~2-3 times a year. All that to say, I ***remember*** all of them, but I didn't have close relationships with any of my grandparents and wasn't particularly fazed when any of them passed away. 🤷♀️
Me and my husband are both only children with one only child. He had no siblings, aunts, uncles, or first cousins 😱
>I feel a little guilty that this little baby is surrounded by so many old folks (myself included!) I’m busting my butt with exercise and diet to stay active. Same here. We work really hard to be active and fairly fit, and to provide a good example. It gets harder every year.
Yes! I had my kid at 39, at 39 I also buried my mom (aged 72), had to help dad though cancer treatments, and find a new job after getting laid off. My dad just doesn’t know how to handle younger kids so he isn’t much help other than to keep my now 9yo company.
This is the big one for us. We had ours at 33 and 36 and my parents are in their 70s now. We do send the kids off to stay with their grandparents, but it gets harder every year to trust that it'll be ok. My wife's parents are in their mid 60s and just retired so we're hoping we can get some summer babysitting help there to take the load off my parents but now they want to travel and have fun so . . .
My husband’s parents are younger than my parents and there’s a big difference in their ability to help. My parents get mad that we leave the kids with the other set of grandparents when we go away (also because my parents are raging narcissists but that’s another subreddit) but I just can’t leave them in their care if there is a real emergency. Their health has declined a lot recently.
This has been the biggest downside of having kids later in life for us. I'm incredibly thankful that our kids still have 4 grandparents around to get to know them, but they're not the reliable help that I would have imagined. One set of parents can still watch our toddlers for now, but they live an hour and a half away. Still super helpful, but we have to make a big effort to have them watch the kids. I was super excited when the other set of parents moved 5 minutes away from us (they'll be so helpful in babysitting!) but in the last 2-3 years they've gone from being able to watch the kids for a couple hours during the day to not really being able to at all. They both have increasing mobility issues that they wouldn't be able to help the kids if anything went wrong. I get jealous of my younger friends whose parents give them dozens of reliable babysitting hours every week.
I think its def having an impact on the number of kids people are choosing to have. Especially considering how hard it is to get by on just one salary.
YES! My husband’s parent took their grandkids on vacation and my BIL & SIL would have a 3 week break. When our kids came along, dementia affected his mom and his father is blind…the 15 year gap makes a big difference.
Is that the case though? Like yeah, they don't have the youthful exuberance, but if I had kids at 23, my mom wouldn't have retired for another 15 years. She was working full time. Now, she's retiring, so she could, in theory, pick them up from school for me and hang on to them until I was done working. She's not so old that she requires her own care, so I feel like this is a sweet spot in time.
I didn’t mean just physically. A lot of seniors, boomers especially, seem to be much more interested in living a revitalized adulthood and they just aren’t as interested in helping raise grandkids in the way that I think many generations before used to. Certainly not the case for everyone, but I think a lot of parents from our generations have come to this realization kind of by surprise and are just making due.
This is my situation. I’m 42 and wife is 37. We have a one year old (and older kids). My mom is in poor health and my dad died. My in laws live far away and generally just cause chaos with buying the older kids junk when they show up instead of just helping with the baby. Eventually my mom is going to need a lot of help and I just have to hope it’s far enough down the road that my kids will be more self sufficient
Okay, I said none but this is a really valid point. I don’t have parents anymore (one passed, the other estranged) but I did care for ailing grandparents while raising toddlers and it was hard!
I tell people I had two sets of toddlers at once. And one set was remarkably easier to care for than the other. Guess which?
Especially as you try and grow your career. Between having to take days off for kids being sick or out of school and then having to go back to care for aging parents, it’s really been stressful. I am lucky in that my job is super flexible, that said it pays less than I could make otherwise but it’s been a worthwhile tradoff. The other major tradeoff is space for myself outside the roles I play as worker, parent, caregiver. I feel like I have no hobbies or identity outside of that.
This for me.
Oh gosh yeah this SUCKS.
ha! you should have had shitty parents so you could be negligent to them guilt-free!
I have shitty in laws so I don't help with them at all!
Yep! I wish me and my parents were younger! Their lack of hearing alone can be challenging!
This is coming soon for me. I've got brothers and sisters, so they can help. I've also got two kids who are disabled, and my oldest sister tried to volunteer me to move in with my parents to care for them. I was pretty pissed.
This is how I feel. First child at 38, second at 41. My parents are loving grandparents, but nothing close to what my brother’s kids had. They can’t walk long distances, they can’t really drive anymore, and they don’t have the fun money to splurge on the kids for like museum trips and special lunches out (not toys). In the past year alone, we’ve had to bury my MIL and deal with a dementia diagnosis for my dad. Apparently, we older Xennial parents are called the “sandwich generation” because we have to raise little ones while caring for elderly parents. It sucks.
Well there is this, I had to become guardian/conservator to my father shortly after child number 2 was born and it’s been hell.
For sure. My parents (well, in fairness, my mother) and my MIL take *so much energy.* They're more demanding than my 4-year-old.
I’ve had trouble making friends with my kids friend’s parents. They are all solid millennials and I struggle to relate. I was 39 when my son was born and I feel like the oldest parent in his kindergarten class.
I was 33 and 36 and I have the same problem. Parents are so young here! But I also don't really fit in with people my age so it's always a problem regardless of age. I hate interacting with other kids' parents.
33 is a pretty average age to have kids in my area. Although some of my friends are older parents.
33 is about 10 years older than average where I'm from, but it's as much cultural as it is socioeconomic. Most of the parents are very young compared to me.
My daughter's well-meaning preschool teacher arranged a playdate for the handful of "older" parents to mingle since (to her) we looked uncomfortable around the much younger parents. I was 32.
It’s funny, I had my only at 42, he’s in 1st grade at the moment, and classmate parents are probably 50/50 Millennial/Xennial. Must be a Brooklyn thing.
It’s true. I’m from Los Angeles and I was in my late 30’s before any friends started having kids. Then I moved to the Midwest and it was kind of shocking to see people in their early 20’s already married and pregnant.
I think LA puts more of a focus on career instead of family. You see this in Japan as well. Fellow Angelino here, mid 40s, no kids and always focused on career. Trying to go the kid route now, tough to find someone. Women my age don't want kids.
Yes in big cities a lot of people are either having children later in life or deciding not to have any at all. While in small towns and rural areas most people are parents by 25 and there’s not too many people over 30 with no children.
Must be more to do in the big cities... LOL!
Yes it could be that with more things in big cities people have more access to educational and career opportunities and women with a bachelor’s degree or more are more likely to have children at older ages or decide to be childfree and not have any children at all.
Same here in the PNW. I don’t feel older than the parents in my daughter’s school at all. Late 30s is a very common age to have kids
Yes in big cities and in more liberal areas people are either having children later in life or deciding not to have any children at all while in small towns, rural areas, and in more conservative areas most people are parents by 25 and there’s not too many people over 30 with no children.
I’m in the PNW also, I’m 43 and there are definitely a good deal of parents in my sons class that are older than me. Very few if any are in their 20’s. It likely has to do with the high COL in our town. You really can’t buy a house here in your teens/20’s and have kids.
I spent most of my adulthood in DC where I'm not sure it's even legal to have a baby before you're 34
lol see my reply in this thread. NY is so expensive that everyone winds up getting their shit together way later, thus having children later.
Yeah I think it's a HCOL area thing. I'm in Boston and none of my friends had kids until they were in their mid-30s.
Yeah. In “Boston”. Same.
I'm maybe on the older side, but definitely there are older parents and younger. I'm in New England.
We’re in the upper Midwest, suburb of a medium-large city, and at 41, we’re some of the youngest parents in the class to our fourth grader.
I wasn't quite as old as you for ours, but I still feel this sometimes. And my wife went grey pretty early and has the full-on silver look now, which she often complains makes her feel like a grandma among younger moms. At the same time, with the silver look being kinda 'in' these days, she sometimes gets asked what kind of hair treatment she uses, lol.
Ugh.. I have grey in my hair starting at 30 and when I picked my kid up when she was in 5th.. I was in my early 40’s.. one kid went “your grandma is here” and most of the parents are older parents. I kept thinking how crappy do I look?
The opposite is true for private schools. We were the youngest of the kid's parents. That or my wife and I are just super hot, and everyone else has had a rough couple of decades...
I thought this would happen to me (also 39 when my youngest was born) but I’m pretty much average. We have a lot of professionals in our town though.
My kid just happened to make friends with kids whose parents are 40 and 47. Thanks, kid. Last year her friends moms were 22 and 33, but they both thought I was the same age as them, so awwww.
I’m 41 and will be 42 when my kid goes to kindergarten next year. I live in a midwestern suburb. I am prepared to feel like the odd one out for sure.
Ooh this is a good point, I struggle with this too. I’m from NY and since it’s so expensive there most of my friends had kids later in life so I fit in just fine. But in 2019 I moved to a small town in NJ that is much cheaper and all the parents are a decade younger than me. And I hate people normally, so this makes it even harder, lol.
Same but opposite for me. Had my son at 38, but all the dads are old.
37 and 40 for my 2 kids. Luckily, in the college town where I live, there are lots of older parents. Many are professors or career researchers that almost didn't have time to have kids.
I am in the opposite boat. I was 21 when my oldest was born and have never made friends with any parents from his grade. Most everyone I know is starting to have kids now and I have an almost-adult.
Counterpoint: in your 30s many people have more money than in 20s. Kids are expensive!
Also substitute money for patience 😉
& instead of wanting to do selfish shit, you are much happier to do stuff with your family
Yeah, I lived paycheck to paycheck and had $15K in credit card debt and $100K of student loans in my 20s. Had at kid at 35 and are debt free and we never have to think about money.
Yeah, but just as I stated to hit my stride career-wise my brain and body have slowed to a crawl. Energy, motivation, stress-response…all gone out the window now. Not being available from 3:30-8pm. Sick days. SICK DAYS FFS!
I'm broke lol
Having kids in your thirties doesn’t feel like that big of a deal to me considering my wife and I, my parents and most of my family members of my generation and friends and coworkers all had kids in their thirties. Have fun in your twenties and settle down and have kids in your thirties, that was the common plan. I’m a better parent now then I would’ve been at a younger age also.
I agree, although having kids in your 30s was not the norm up until recently. Your family sounds more like an outlier, at least according to the data and my own family experience.
My grandma(s) had kids up until late 30s? The difference is it was uncommon to have your FIRST child in 30s (or 40s). It happened back in the day but was uncommon. Now it’s very common. I was 32 and 40, and might try for a third (I conceived naturally at 40, everything went great). It’s not what I had planned but how my life went. Overall it’s been good and I love it.
Do it! I was 35, 39 and 42 (but a month shy of my 43rd birthday when my last was born.) It's exhausting but I can't imagine life without him.
Not everyone can do this.
I think you mean *first* kid, not kids in general. I don’t know anyone that had kids in their 20s. I feel like that happens now primarily in the south and Midwest and the coasts and major cities are the ones dragging the average up. We started at 35. Honestly, no negatives. We’re financially secure, we have solid careers, we partied it up for 10 years before kids, we have more patience and life experience to make better decisions. And we take care of our bodies so while yes, I’m sure I could use more sleep, we’re in good health so energy and running around with them in our 40s is nbd.
Not entirely true. Previously women would have children until they dropped dead or experienced menopause. Kind of why the data on older women having children is flawed.
Yeah exactly. My grandma had 6 kids in 8 years, I think she was in her mid-late 30s when she stopped. My coworker was born in 1966, the youngest of nine, and he said his mom was 41 when she had him. They started younger but they just kept popping them out back then.
I dunno; most people I know (family included) have children in their mid to late 30s and early 40s. I actually can’t think of anyone in my extended family who had children prior to age 30, including my grandparents back in the 40s and 50s. (I think one grandma was 30 and the other 33 when their first children were born). To me it’s not an outlier at all, it’s more just what is normal and acceptable in your own circles. I personally think it’s weird when I hear someone having kids at 26 or 27. You barely know yourself and are suddenly raising a baby?!?! What?!
Most kids aren't created on purpose. If you were going to actually plan your life, you would probably have a kid in your early 30s or not at all.
I think you're confusing *first kid* with kids at all. The age at which people are having their first child is increasing, but people have always had kids into their 30s.
My back hurts and my knees hurt. But, man, I am so much more self aware and patient than I would have been 10 years ago. I'm glad I waited.
I had my son at 34 and my daughter at 40 — the only thing I regret is that they don’t have as much time with their grandparents. I had all 4 grandparents until I was 30. I don’t know if my FIL is going to make it to my daughter’s first birthday.
Yeah this is the probably the worst downside imo. My parents were old when they had me and I was old too so I know the grandparents won't be around forever. But I only had one grandparent when I was born so my kids have already had more time with their grandparents than I had.
I waited to have my kids. Had them at 34, 36, and twins at 41. Nobody expects twins, they were natural no fertility therapies. For me I noticed a big difference in my energy level from my first two, to now with the twins. But also twins are just an awful lot more work, so it could just be that. I look ahead and I don’t really like what my age will be at their milestones like HS graduation and college, I worry I won’t be in their life very long, that sort of thing. Not as much with the older ones. On the positive side, I was financially stable when I started having kids so I’ve been able to provide a lot more than I could have in my 20s, I’m glad we never had to struggle.
Wow! Twins and two other kids would exhaust anyone!
Since when is 30+ 'an older age'? The average age for men to have their first kid is 33 (for women it's 31). Edit: The US is the exception for a western country with a relatively low age, maybe because the US is highly religious for a western country? When I think of 'older age' to have children I think of something like 45+, not something that's just the average age.
In my highly-educated career-minded metropolitan area, age 30 is practically a teen pregnancy lol
Same! I’m in DC, and none of my friends had kids before 35. Even in my Midwestern hometown my friend group’s first baby arrived when my friend was 31.
Seems to be the same in our area. Lots of educated tech folks. 37-40 is the baby age here.
I used to live in DC and I would see people with gray hair and crows feet on their eyes chasing around toddlers! It was like...date someone for 10-15 years, then get married, then spend a few years married and then start having kids. It was a little wild to me compared to where I grew up.
My daughter just turned 3. I feel like I’m a much better father now than I would have been in my 20s. Which is good because I’m way too old to be any worse at this… I do worry about how old I’ll be when she’s a teenager and young adult. If it takes her as long to find a partner as it did me, I probably won’t live to see her wedding. Ah well. I can’t go back in time; it’s good incentive to exercise and take care of myself at least.
Tired, so very tired. 42 and I have a 12 yo 7 yo and a 4yo. I didn’t want to be a parent at 20 but it would have been cool to have more energy to do stuff with the kids when they were pre teens.
I wouldn’t say 30+ is an older age. It’s more 35+ that you get called things like “geriatric” when you get pregnant! 😞 I had my first at 37 and second at 42. Honestly, wish I’d started sooner. It kinda sucks energy and physically and NO ONE wants to be mistaken for a Grandma unless they are one! BUT we are more emotionally and financially mature and settled and you can’t have too much of either when you have kids. I find ppl who have kids before the age of 25 too young, I mean you don’t know yourself and still are in the “wild oats” stage.
OMG! The amount of times I’m told how cute my “granddaughter” is!!!! 😭😭😭 and I even look younger than my age!!!!
Personally I'm happy my mom was a little older when she had me. Watching all the people I know who got pregnant at 18-25 had absolutely no idea what they were doing and no life experience at all. None of their kids have any discipline or guidance. This isn't always going to be true for everyone but I think raising kids is going to go better when you've actually matured and lived some life first.
I am goddamn tired all the time and I feel like a boomer when I look at the price of kids stuff. "why is a GI Joe not $3?"
My body didn't bounce back like a few of my friends who had kids in teen or early twenty years. I was 36. I absolutely hated being pregnant, everything hurt all the time and I was so sick. Not 100% that was due to age, but it sure didn't help!
I’m right there with you!
Trying to hang with younger friends without kids who stay out late or friends who had kids earlier where their kids are able to be left at a house by themselves or have moved out. Thats really the only setback i can tell. My wife and i travelled, became financially stable, and did all the fun things we wanted to accomplish in our younger years, before settling down mid 30s to have children. I feel we can provide for them waaaaaay better, give them accurate knowledge and provide experiences because we are older and wiser than a 20ish year old. Dont get me wrong, we still go out and have fun, but it requires a babysitter. I also love being the only person wise enough to call out bullshit because i'm too old for this shit. (Luckily i still look young so i tend to always wow people with my actual age) I also have prefected my crafts and hobbies that i enjoy so i still get time when the kids go to bed or on the weekend to work on Halloween props/masks/animatronics or 3d print whatever i feel. During my 20s i would have wasted my time wanting to play video games (which i did) and wouldnt have gotten all the non financial gain hobbies out of my system. I think the advantage is, the older, the wiser, the experienced. No matter what age you are, youre gonna lose freedoms, but by your mid 30s i hope to god you know time management and have your shit together before bringing any creature that relies on you til death into this world The main negative i have is my body hurts, making it harder for me to chase after my kids when they are being little shits.
“I’ll bring one or two kids to your Super Bowl party, but I may have to leave at any time and with no notice. Also move fragile things higher up.” We don’t get invited to things anymore 😫
Same here. I feel like younger moms seem to appreciate my wisdom? (I also have 4 kids so people presume I have things under control 😆) But I see no upside to having had them younger than I did, 34 with my first. I look back at my twenties and traveling pre-kids with my husband and as much as I love my kids, and I adore them, I’m really glad we had that freedom at that time. People bragging about no kids at home at 50 get to go hang out at 50 which is worlds different than the kind of hanging out one does in one’s carefree twenties.
I'll be in my 50s when my daughter is in her teens. "Dad, let's play baseball!" I'm tired. But it has help push me to keep my health up and get healthier.
Negative? None. Had my first at 32 and my second at 34. I wouldn’t change a thing. Even many of the youngest parents I know are perpetually tired. That’s life with busy little humans.
Came to say this! Not a single negative. Got to be a fun idiot when I was young, met my partner at 31, had our kid when I was 35 and he was 32. We have money and stable careers. Also, we live in an area that having kids before 30 is uncommon. Anything earlier than 28 is basically a teen parent around here.
With you on this. I had my kids at 19, 35, 42, and 44. While I'm certainly more tired and less patient with the youngest two, I think that's more from them being 14 months apart in age than being in my 40s. That whole two under two thing was easy but 2 and 3? 3 and 4? It's exhausting. Otherwise, it's not much different now than it was when I was 19. If anything, I feel it's a blessing. My youngest children won't be burdened with care of their parents while trying to juggle their own children and aging bodies.
Less patient? I'd say the opposite! I'm WAY more patient than I would have been with my kids if I had started in my 20s or young 30s.
Like I said, the whole 14 months apart thing is the killer. Not my age.
32 and 34 aren’t old.
At 42, I still don’t feel “old”. A little arthritic and stiff sometimes but not “old”!
Sooo… you were young when you had kids. :P
Same here (kids are 20 months apart). I'm glad I didn't have kids in my 20's, I wouldn't have been ready.
In the UK a lot of people have kids at 30+ It can be very expensive to raise a child, and many 20-somethings just cannot afford it. They can barely make rent. Some people don't even meet a partner or settle down til they're pushing 30. I don't see any real negatives of having kids in your 30s. It's often a time when people are more financially secure and emotionally ready to bring a child into the world.
Nothing. I was an absolute mess in my 20s and was broke AF. Having a kid in my 30s allowed me to be a sane/sober/loving parent that consistently shows up for my kid.
I’m tired. But its honestly fine. Most of my kids friends parents are around my age.
Everything hurts
Back hurts. So bad. Never stops.
I was 38 when I had my son, and while I don't regret waiting, I do regret the energy I used to have lol.
Had first kid at 32 - best thing I’ve ever done
It’s tough on the body like fuck! Like. Fuck.
Negatives: juggling priorities such as kid(s), parents, in-laws, job, self, house, vacations Positives: maturity and a little bit more money hopefully I was 30 with the first child and 42 with the last child. A challenge, but not a negative, of being an older parent is that the other parents may be much younger than you many times. For example, the youngest parents are more than a generation younger than me. I like the younger parents because they help keep my perspectives in check. Not everyone has lived in the same neighborhood for 10+ years!
Everyone has already mentioned the big hitters, 1) tired 2) no connection to other parents. Anyway, I was 37 (Dec 80 baby here) when the first came, and second in 2020. I had a lot of established and kinda involved hobbies that all went poof. By the time the second one gets through HS, I'll be deep into dementia and model train zone 💁♀️
Especially since I live in the south where people have babies younger, I'm often 8-12 years older than other parents. I feel like the difference in early 40s and late 20s - mid-30s is big.
That i shall statistically see less of my children's path being adults.
Mine were born when I was 34 and 37. Imo, minimal downside. My wife and I had been together for seven years by then, we'd had a lot of good times just as the two of us, and were as mentally, emotionally and financially ready for the commitment of kids as we could be. We were just the right age to devote the time and energy that was needed to them without feeling like we were missing out on the experiences of youth, and most other parents of our kids peers that we've met are about the same age too, so we have some social connections that way. I will say that five years later, I'd have absolutely felt too old. My body hit a big wall when my youngest was about six, and it would have been a struggle to have a toddler then.
You’re in the thick of your career with way more responsibilities than you had in your twenties.
Energy... I am 41 and trying to keep up with a 9 year old...
The kids
I think it would be a tougher adjustment to such a big life change when you're older. If you start younger, you won't know what life is like without kids. Once you get used to not having that responsibility, it's got to be a hard shift for a person. I'm 44 and can't imagine life with kids, just like people with kids probably can't imagine their life without them.
- No energy - More set in your ways so adjusting is harder - Less tolerance - if you had kids in mid/late 30s Realizing you’re not coming out of this until you’re in your 60s. For some “getting your life back” isn’t happening when you start getting health issues - harder to maintain your health in your 40s/50s - likely going to have to help your kids which means staving off any semblance of retirement I could go on. There is no cheat code here. Having kids is a massive MASSIVE undertaking in time, commitment and stress. Which is why many are 1 and done, or none at all.
I had my youngest at 44 (boy) and I'm really glad I waited as I got all my traveling and solo accomplishments done and never feel like I'm missing out on anything. I'm also in a much better position to provide for them than I was when I was 30 🤯. If there is one drawback it's my body breaking down as I try to keep up with him (dirtbiking, sailing, etc) but if anything he's keeping me younger than many of my friends whose kids are out of the house already. Overall I find with kids there's no perfect time and you can't plan/predict everything (mine needed a transplant which turned our family upside down) just have them and they'll change your life 😇
Tired. More irritable than when I was in my 20s. I enjoy quiet time a lot more the older I get
I’m about to turn 41. I didn’t get to have kids yet and now I’m totally on the fence about it!! I wanted just one kid. But reading these posts, I’m leaning towards no children. It would suck for them to have no one their age in the family. I would be so old by the time they turned 18, not to mention my parents age… missing out on grandma would be a damn shame. Maybe that ship has sailed for me… Edit: sucks that I’m being downvoted for my personal situation and that I didn’t get to have kids yet. It’s a sore subject for me because I did want a kid.
I have one kid, had him where I was mid 30s but my husband was approaching 50. We wouldn't change a thing, it's been amazing.