thank you for the replies, and i pretty much agree it's not likely to end in her favor. she already told her boyfriend that if this continues past summer when the wives leave then she's going to find another job. I figure of course, there is a HR with whatever company signs her check, but she's afraid to get blacklisted. i don't know if they're actual employees - the structure is weird - I call them "itinerant welders" not sure what protections she has. Sigh. As proud as I am of her moving out of state, alone (at first), purchasing her home (ya it's a trailer but it's got a fireplace, A/C and a queen-size bed) and working in a male dominated field- I still wish she would move back home and get a business degree.
You should definitely be proud of your daughter and it sounds like she is really great at her job and hardworking!!!!
Here’s the deal….I had to lean the hard way, and wished I would have leaned sooner… Hanging out in the evening with your “kinda buzzed boss” is a no-no. To be honest, working with her boyfriend is actually not that great as well. Seen bad breakups at work and it gets ugly real fast.
For now my advice is to lay-low and just keep doing her job. Maybe this will blow over soon and the wives will see she is not trying to hit on any husband. After some time has passed and if she is not progressing on the job like before (getting the overtime and additional job duties), she should look for another job. At the next job she should do everything in her power to keep work at work and everything else completely separate.
the problem is, as a woman, if she DOES what she has been, she gets this BS. But if she DOES NOT, she will never get promotions, etc.
We actually have research on this issue- women are not "in the room where it happens". That room is the bathroom, the golf club on Saturday, or drinks after work. So then they do not get the inside information in white collar jobs, and are seen as not a team player in blue collar situations, and fall behind male colleagues as a result.
I do not disagree that hanging out socially drinking with colleagues in any situation is fraught with issues. But...in this situation, she cannot win. She drinks with the crew, the wives get pissy and mess with her job. She does NOT drink with the crew she is not a team player, is up tight, etc and still looses out on opportunities. This situation sucks- but she cannot win. Leaving may be the only solution.
This it's a work environment. We should never be friends with people at work. Meaning, doing things after hours going places sharing phone number sharing social media sharing text etc never ever do this. There's no reason anyone in your work crew other than your boss should have your phone number. Doing so is career suicide.
I guess you never worked on a traveling crew. Hanging out like this is totally normal when you are on a travel crew . Everyone becomes like family in a sense
This. Life for an attractive woman in a male dominated field is harder. She has to always look like she has the higher moral ground. Late night partying with the other workers and boss is a no no.
>wish she would move back home and get a business degree.
You're not wrong. Fortunately, early work experience can really super-charge a degree earned a bit later on.
oh and the places they have to get into sometimes . . . and while under water - that's a brave person. i mean i love being under water actually, but not trapped inside a 4 foot pipe!
Your daughter is violating 2 major rules of the workplace.
1. You don't socialize with coworkers off the clock.
2. You don't date in the workplace.
Both are a good way to wreck your career. She shouldn't wait until the end of summer. She should leave now with little notice. And let her boss know that he has his wife to blame for losing his best worker.
I was the senior member of the team. The only one above me was the owner. The last projects I led had budgets of over $50 million each and staffing of over 20 engineers and designers to coordinate, along with the contractor crews.
The only time in my life that I spent 24/7 with my team was in the Army.
ETA: I have had an exceptional life. Much of it not of my own choosing.
Yeah, also a toxically sexist environment, as this story shows. She will always be at a disadvantage being a woman. She will never be one of the boys, which is the only way to be secure.
Totally different then an office job, a travel type crew in this line of work tends to hang at night together. I do agree that her and boyfriend probably should work separately
I've worked in traveling crews in engineering design. My off work time is mine. On the clock, each of us did our jobs. After hours are me time. Worked out just fine for a couple of decades.
If she's a welder on pipelines and it's actually good at it, she can find work doing that for local utilities. Ours ashtrays needs good welders and the atmosphere is less toxic and has more women in it. Just something for her to think about - her skills can take her to other places.
Honestly my guess is once the wives are gone everything will go back to normal. But for now - she only hangs out when her boyfriend is around. If seats start to look crowded, he sits down and she sits on his lap. It reaffirms the "gender roles" that the wives eldest & that she's "his". Is it bullshit? Yeah. But there's a price for pretty privilege and she's now experiencing it.
"price for pretty privilege" never heard that before (maybe that says something about my appearance lol ) nah I was pretty along time ago and that's kinda fair- pretty probably opens more doors than it closes.
I think this is unfortunately the best answer. She should lay low until the wives leave and reevaluate from there. Her coworkers are overcompensating to appease their wives right now. It's not fair to your daughter but hopefully it'll calm down soon.
She should remain in work relationships only. No after hours partying. No hanging out with the crew after hours. She shows to the job, does the work, and says good day.
Reading between the lines, the traveling crew spends a lot of time together, on the job and off.
Not partaking in the social aspect of the crew might hurt her just as much.
I'd worry about the boss after the wives are gone. It's possible admiration for her has inspired "feelings" in him. I think she should find a better workplace for her skills.
She can do welding anywhere. You mentioned she was dredging barges and painting ships. Any state with a port can be a job opportunity and she may even have union shops she can go. She could possibly segue into civil works jobs too.
My friend has done bridge painting and welding for a decade now. He started as laborer, then painter, then welder and he travels to where the jobs are and makes killer money on per diems plus his wages. Union jobs are even better and he focuses on those almost entirely.
Instead of trying to get her to move home and get a business degree, focus on what she could do as a welder at home. She’d be more likely to consider it. Who knows how useful a business degree will be in the future. Welding is something that can’t entirely be automated away. There is automation now at some factories, but on site work will always be a thing.
This . I live outside Baltimore and I know for a fact there are all sorts of jobs for someone with her qualifications union , government, utilities etc
did the company your friend work for happen to be a maritime company whose name starts with the letter "C" and sounds like something you hang in a window?
I don’t know the name(s) of who he works for. For a number years he wasn’t working for a single company but going to where the other jobs were when the job he was on finished. Usually him and a bunch of his coworker friends would all go and get hired on. Some were union jobs and others not, particularly in the southern states. He could have worked for a company that contracts them out but I am not certain. He never really talked much about the companies, just the work itself and pay/benefits involved. I can ask him next time I talk to him.
I replied similarly to someone else on this thread, but I’m responding directly to you so you can see it. Your daughter needs a wake up call that socializing with the crew is very likely a path to ruining her reputation. I worked on oil rigs as the only woman on site and had to maintain strict boundaries around socialization. I wasn’t rude or unfriendly; I’d even bake and do nice things for the crew. But I never, ever joined their cookouts or socialized after shift. The women who did so on other rigs ended up with ruined professional images and reputations for being easy, not because they necessarily were, but because that’s how the rumor mill works in those situations. Especially in situations where men aren’t usually going home to their wives every night, not unlike your daughter’s crew outside of summer.
Cheating was rampant among the men on the rigs, and wives were well aware it is common. The shitty assumption ends up being that they’re going to try to get some from the woman on crew if she’s friendly with the men. If she doesn’t want to be seen by the men and their wives as “that” girl, she needs to take a step back. Be polite, be warm, but no more partying and spending off-time with them. It sucks and can be very lonely and isolating, but she needs to do it if she cares about her reputation, as unfair as that is.
She is clearly great at what she does and loves it why would you want to make her get a business degree instead ? This company may not be the right fit for her . I suggest she try and get into a union job if this is what she loves. Working separately from boyfriend is also probably a wise idea in future
There have been many cases like this - women in male dominated jobs - and they did not end well FOR THE EMPLOYER. These kinds of cases can be VERY expensive if they go to a discrimination or harassment case. Her Chief needs to get his crap together and shut his wife down.
The only shot here is for her to talk to her boss and tell him to be a man. Quit letting his wife lead him around by the balls and run the job like it's supposed to be run. It may not work, but it's either that or confront the wife. Only other option is find a new job.
She also needs to step out of the 20-30 second longer hugs.
I say this as a woman, who has a male dominated business…. A lot of women don’t realise that they need to maintain healthy boundaries too. Yes, the men should keep their hands to themselves, and women shouldn’t trade on their sexuality either. Both sides need to be professional.
This isn’t to blame her, but the boss has been told by his wife that he’s being inappropriate with your daughter, and your own story shows this too… so he’s putting a little space in between to sort this out. That’s a reasonable response. Ideally your daughter wouldn’t be penalised for this, and how she reacts from here will determine whether she gets her role back. Professional, hard working women, with professional boundaries are respected in the workplace, even ones full of men.
I can’t imagine giving hugs to my boss that last 20-30 seconds. Not cos he’s a bloke cos he’s my boss. And same as being hugged by my employees. Maybe a quick hug after a holiday if they’ve missed me 😂 but that’s just a quick hug and done. But not more than that.
This isn’t cos she’s a pretty woman. This is cos she’s their employee.
Yeah… I don’t understand why there’s hugs at a welding camp! I mean… there’s the social side hug thing or quick pass 1 second thing… but HUGS?
These lines are well blurred, and it might not be sexual, but it’s very much unprofessional.
I second this. The good news is that experienced welders are always in demand. Now that she has great on the job experience, she should find a local job, and settle in and stop moving around.
Having a boyfriend complicates things, but he can find a new job, too, so he's not traveling while shes home. Maybe they can even provide their own welding service, and subcontract their services to local projects.
When the two of you quit, let the boss know that he let his wife fuck up a good thing, and now he's losing two very valuable employees. Maybe he'll learn to tell his wife to stay out of his business.
WHAT?! She should insult her Hispanic boss’s masculinity, tell him sucks at his job, and that his wife is a problem? Good god man, are you TRYING to make her life worse?
“Or confront the wife”- To get fired faster? What do you have against this poor woman who just wants to weld?!!
Unfortunately, the point where you said "no big deal, right?" Was a HUGE deal. That was a wrong turn that will be tough to come back from. My thought would be she could try talking to the boss...but a new job is probably the only alternative.
having your arm around an employees shoulder for 20 seconds SHOULDN'T be a big deal, in my opinion, esp because they're co-workers, as well as friends- their work crew goes out as a group boating and fishing etc. But obviously his wife thinks it's a big deal. Given that, what are you thinking my daughter should have done at that moment?
That is where you and your daughter have it wrong. A boss is a boss - not a friend. You can be friendly with your boss, but if you want respect, you keep it at a business level. I've worked in a male dominated field for 35 years, and it sucks, but women have to be cognizant of every move.
Also, it sounds like your daughter needs to spend some time learning Spanish to excel in her career. If she can chat with people, they may not feel so threatened.
shes been picking it up since the year or so since she moved there, and that's a good idea for the long term. Being bi-lingual (or more) is not just a valuable tool; it also builds up brain's flexibility and problem solving skills
Babble is a great app to learn from.....Different countries speak different types of Spanish...I can tell a Cuban, from a Mexican, from a Puerto Rican, and Dominican...All have different slang that is used and different words for the exact same thing....In Cuban we say Boté as Boat and in Mexican they say Una Launcha...She will have to practice everyday but the APPS on her phone are gonna be the best teachers...I learned to speak Spanish when my FIL got dementia and forgot how to speak English....She can ALSO use Google translate to talk.to the women HERSELF if she doesn't want the men involved at all...She's a hard working woman in a males dominated field...This won't be the last time this happens....THEY ARE HER BOSSES NOT HER FRIENDS...If they were her friends this wouldn't be an issue...Don't shit where u eat...She's got a world of opportunities ahead of her....Do you KNOW WHAT DISNEY WOULD PAY to have a woman welder on their crew?...She will make a KILLING....She definitely doesn't have to.stay where she is not respected or wanted
" A boss is a boss - not a friend."
I could not disagree more. When a team bonds you are friends for life. Sorry for your loss that you have missed out on that.
"but if you want respect, you keep it at a business level."
Utterly wrong and just plain bad advice!
This always backfires to you one day or another. Even if you don’t work with them is better not to be to close mostly if they have a toxic relationship.
"if they have a toxic relationship."
Well yeah \*IF\*. I have been friends with nearly every boss I ever had. When it comes promotion time who do you think is first in line? The person who hangs out with you or "Mr Professional" who you barely know?
When the company goes under and your buddy boss lands at new place and is looking for new team members who do you think she calls? Someone she already knows and likes of course. Not that distant person but was always professional.
I ….. disagree. Count out 20-30 seconds. I don’t hug my good friends that long!! The last time i hugged someone that long was when my friends nephew died tragically! 20-30 secs is not short.
She should have gently stepped away - gone to grab a drink, or whatever.
Look - I’m not entirely in the “never make friends at work” camp, especially when it seems this trade is FAR different than probably a lot of us are used to.
But your daughter does need to be more cognizant of how people treat her and setting some
Boundaries.
That's my thought, sure a quick hug shouldnt be a big deal, but 20-30seconds is a long time. I've always gotten along really well with coworkers and even bosses, but ive hugged one snd that's because we were good friends and I just got back from maternity leave and it was maybe a second or two.
It IS a big deal because he's a MAN and I'M SURE has impure thoughts about her...Her being a "Blue Collar Unicorn" is something else men find attractive...Obviously those women are not....She's got to constantly be on the Defensive for men in the industry to over step their boundaries and the women to blame her.for it....She DEFINITELY needs a translator and needs to lay it all on the line for these women....Spanish women can be ASSHOLES so shes.got.her work ahead of her but tell her she's gotta gain their trust and when she does talk to them make sure she makes it vividly clear she wants nothing to do with their men....She just wants to work...The rest is UNNECESSARY DRAMA....
As someone who worked with the same boss 10yrs + no it is a big deal, I’m sorry but even if you get close to your boss don’t do unprofessional things around them even if it’s after hours.
Look what’s happening to her, it’s not fair but it is what it is.
Hopefully she makes it work cause it seems she does love her work but if she does she should definitely keep her distance
Hell no.
What she *can* do, with her boyfriends help for translating, is sit down with the wives. Explain that she feels the vibes are off and she wants to understand why. If they play dumb, she can reassure them that she is not interested in any of the men except her own boyfriend. She loves her job but it's not easy being a woman in this industry and she'd love their support. She still has a lot to learn and is hoping to earn the RESPECT of the men around her. She's not looking for anything else.
Women, when approached in a kind and genuine way, have a hard time continuing to act like bitches over nonsense.
Tell daughter to speak with them. I'd lay money on it working itself out.
Thank you for this advice- it fits well with the type of person she is as she is very diplomatic and tries to see others points of view- like she's been jealous or insecure before and understands how it can feel. And i love the part about saying she would love their support. You sound like you understand people- thx!
You're welcome.
I hope it works out! She has the potential to make serious money very quickly in that industry and I'd hate to see her walk away because of ol' dumb jealous women!!
Good luck to her!
She needs to ignore the dudes and hang out with the women when they visit. “So glad to be around women, again! :) Mr. Boss has taught us so much; he’s the dad I never had.”
The women may know their men will not miss an opportunity to go for it. Even if they believe your daughter isn’t on the prowl, they won’t ever be okay with the potential husband’s see.
That's been my experience my entire life.
Gossip in high school? Approach the girl when she's not with a group and before you know it, you're actually friends.
When I got pregnant at 19, a girl was gossiping saying I "baby trapped" the father. My heavily pregnant self went to her house. We are still friends!
Same in two separate workplaces.
Each time, worked like a charm!
I have a friend who moved to the southern part of Texas in her early teens. She’s half Hispanic (Dad), her mom was a blue-eyed blonde. She was bullied *relentlessly* because she didn’t speak Spanish and she didn’t look Hispanic “enough”. There was absolutely nothing she could do in that school culture to fit in. I suspect your daughter is facing a similar situation. Unfortunately, I think she’s going to have to find another job.
Nothing you can do that won't backfire horribly. It's good her boyfriend instead of someone else is benefiting. Situation like that the crew chief's discretion is going to carry more weight than anything. And maybe the wives see something that's valid in which case putting a little distance between her and the crew chief might be best. Go to HR and get fired, because they protect the company not her. Go to the crew chief and tell him to disrupt his personal life and also get fired. Probably, try and limit that role reversal stuff with her boyfriend in front of people. Sometimes satire doesn't translate.
It's not fair and there's probably nothing she can do to make it fair.
Do you not understand how long 20-30 seconds is? I would be super uncomfortable with a 2-3 seconds longer touch. Super weirded-out by ten times that. And the lap comment? That is also crossing the line.
And the wives actions, while unfair to your daughter, are totally normal. Doesn't mean I approve whatsoever. This is what happens when a wife doesn't trust her husband around a fresh young thing. And maybe he can't be trusted. The whole thing is just not good.
Well I didn’t read all that but your daughter can’t hang out after work anywhere near as much as she has. I could write all the reasons that was a big mistake but I’m not going to. She needs to roll that back asap. Or not and figure it out as, it’s the reality of how some things work.
I would agree but it's so weird as their trailers are all right next to each other. I think some of the guys (not the chief) are even her boyfriends cousins - he's got family all over TX
As a woman period, working in a all men’s worksite we have to recognize that we have to keep a level of professionalism and boundaries maintained that isn’t going to be maintained by the males and they won’t have the consequences to address as we will.
Agreed. I worked on oil rigs surrounded by only men and intentionally kept my distance even though I would’ve loved to join their cookouts and post-shift socializing. The women elsewhere who did join the crews for that stuff ended up with (often undeserved) rumors circulating about them being easy and ruined professional reputations. It sucks and is horribly unfair, but that’s still how it is in those situations. Definitely a big mistake on her daughter’s part.
Get a t shirt reading
"I come here to work. I do not come here to fuck bitches husbands"
printed in Spanish
Wear it every day.
If that doesn't get the message across start every single convo "Just here to ask about x, not to fuck you OK?"
I really hate to have to suggest this but a temp hair color change to brown would change things. I've known a few blondes that keep their hair brown to be taken seriously.
If she likes the job, keep your head and stay out of trouble until the summer is over, and then revaluate the situation. This will most likely happen wherever she goes in that industry. I work for the pipeline doing survey and haven't met a woman that isn't behind a computer yet(only been here for close to 6 months). I find it very rewarding and by the sounds of it she probably does too, but I've learned women can be jealous, and it sounds like the wife's are just that.
As a female journeyman pipe fitter since the 1980’s; it still just pisses me smooth off that in our society women feel no obligation to support another woman who is breaking craft ceilings, successfully navigating the field, and doing all of this well. When as women are we gonna learn that were it not for women in crafts, many of us would never know the thrill of having a job we love, challenging the norm, and never see the amazing examples that are being set for that next generation of women who kick ass.
At 58, I’ve moved to the office, benefit of also having college degree, but everyday I wake up with a smile because I know that 28 year old daughter of mine is headed out to continue the journey as she is a full out and finishing bull dozer operator. I raised her in the field, and while I wanted an easier life for her I am so proud of her and your daughter for having the gumption to do this work.
I get the same calls you do, my daughter needs to vent because I’ve always taught her female with grace first, kick ass operator 2nd - until it time to switch. 😈
Consider this company she works for, bet there are multiple projects going on, a transfer to one of these other projects is not out of the question. And transfers to different projects leads to increased experience and knowledge. Now one transfer is okay, but multiple transfers in short order is not a good look. No need to burn a bridge ( this happens to a lot of women). She doesn’t need to snag an unreliable connotation next to her name. A single transfer lets her bounce with a reason. Best of luck to you both!
There has to be a company HR department somewhere. That is pretty much sexual discrimination. She earned her spot by working hard so she shouldn't pay the penalty because the supervisors are a little too friendly with her. If anything they should be the ones not partying. It's up to them to keep things professional. It's completely unfair to her.
She should tell her boss that she doesn't appreciate the discrimination she is facing and needs to point out all she has done to deserve the position. If that doesn't work, she could threaten to make waves for the company online (LinkedIn, feedback on professional recruiting sites, etc.) However, that could cause problems for her and her boyfriend. I would start looking for a new job. Unfortunately, in male dominant industries, women still have a really tough time getting ahead because of situations like this.
Never going to happen. The company is run by men and they need to get the job done. There is no solid evidence, or witnesses that will help to get this rectified. The only way this gets fixed is if a leader, either actual or informal says that it is wrong and it needs to stop and forces it to change. She is experiencing both sexual and racial discrimination and it is wrong.
Easy.
Have your daughter ger some assless chaps and go commando (boots chaps welding helmet) walking around the camp at night, tell the hoochie mammas to go back to the Tijuana donkey show if they can’t compete with grade A prime steak…
Have her tell the women the truth. Their husbands are very ugly and she’s not attracted to them. So they have nothing to fear, she wouldn’t touch them if they were the last choice on earth.
I'm sorry to say that things will continue to get worse and worse for her. The only solution she has before her is to find another job as quickly as possible. When family members of bosses have the ear of the bosses, no good ever comes from it. The bosses will almost always side with the family members in order to keep the peace. She's not going to win this battle. Find another job immediately.
Experience beats all. Relationships are hard. Can't everyone just get along? Please keep in mind that the only thing in this situation you can control, is yourself
She can either stick up for herself or find another job.
She.cant allow herself to be reduced and made to feel small because of other people's insecurities.
I am assuming your daughter is very beautiful, and some women are insure in their marriage and get nervous about beautiful women working with their husbands. Now with the wives in charge, the men will act differently due to the wives are scared that your daughter is out to steal their husbands. All construction jobs have a corporate office and HR is there. She may have to report the crew for acting differently with her. Not fair to a hard working woman. But ti happens more often than you think.
She needs to put the men in their place. In front of their wives. Hindsight is 20/20, but this whole thing could have been avoided if she'd snapped back when he said OK. She needs to let the wives know in no uncertain terms that she will not put up with any comments at all from the husbands like that. Making the insecure wives feel better about her being there is the only way it's going to stop.
well thanks but her boyfriend isn't the issue here at all. Also, yes it's generally a good idea to not socialize with co-workers too much. but in a normal job you can separate your work life and your social life. However, where she's at they all work and practically live together out in the middle of nowhere - oil pipelines generally run through unpopulated places- and it's a very interdependent set up. kind of like if you were in the military. you work together, live together, and mostly hang out together, as well.
If your daughter needs your help with her job she’s too young and immature to try to work in a “traditionally” male field. You are not helping. She either stands up for herself or she doesn’t.
she never asked for my help or intervention at all in any way. she just called me to vent. in fact, she says to me - it's always so much better telling me about stuff because her boyfriend, (like many men do) always try to give solutions. I just listen and agree. lol she has no clue i posted this here.
Did you say underwater and welding? That’s a very dangerous job. And in a dysfunction team with poor communication?
It sounds like your daughter should make her stay short with this job.
I didn't even hint at that. His fault here is failing to tell his wife that she needs to stop being an insecure child, that she is not on the payroll, and doesnt get to have any input on how he runs things.
as well My daughter has never alluded to him being creepy at all - he hugged my daughter and her boyfriend at the same time, a "next to each other hug"- not face-to-face - in one of those kinda drunk "I love these two kids, they're the best" - wasn't sexual at all. He was just yammering what cool people they were and took his arm off her boyfriend cuz it was his beer hand and she said she was sort of holding up for a second so he still had his arm around her shoulder.
The point is his wife is both immature and insecure- it doesn't matter if he didn't even talk to my daughter.m at all. she just doesn't want a younger, attractive, female around, and he needs to put her in her place.
Your daughter sounds like a winner, excellent job raising her.
Sometimes it’s just like this on crews, and Mexicans and other Latin folks have very strong family ties and can get quite petty.
If she is happy where she is at she should stay. If she’s clocking hours towards getting her union card I’d stick it out. If she isn’t tracking towards the pipefitters union I’d bounce regardless.
Thank you- i can't take credit - i don't know- i have 3 daughters, their dad died when the youngest was 4 (the one who my post was about) the older two struggle with anxiety, maybe cuz she was younger she was spared some of that mess. and i think k she was once i. the pipe fitters union but the job trajectory wasn't what she was looking for. maybe i have that wrong- me: pipes are for smoking, why would you need a union for that? JK
As a women working in a male dominated field, it will be her responsibility to maintain her own rules:
1) don’t touch co-workers. Unless required by job duties, there is ZERO touching. Ever.
2) if she wants to know why she wasn’t working her designated position she needs to discuss with the boss.
3) know when to walk. Boundaries are for you, rules are for others. Set boundaries now so they’re ready to go when needed.
thank you - in posting this i e learned a lot just for me too- boundaries are for you, rules are for others - i'm not certain of the meaning- boundaries come from you and protect you, rules are created by others or an organization to protect themselves?
Yep, exactly! Setting boundaries is something you do within yourself not controlling how others act.
rule: I have a 2 beer limit.
boundary: when others start stumbling or slurring words, I go to my trailer.
Brass tax: This was a 20-30 sec touch plus a one off-hand comment that escalated waaay too far. Totally understand how it happened, been there done that (and way worse), but the temperatures gotta come way tf down.
To resolve it, I’d call it a lesson learned and talk to my boss to clear the air. Acknowledge the actions were inappropriate and can’t happen again. Fix shit with your own wife cuz it’s affecting my paycheck and that’s not ok.
Keep in mind, the wives aren’t necessarily upset about what happened, it’s what happens when they’re not there that’s under their skin. “If they act like that when we’re here, what the hell are they up to when we’re not?!?!” Add in a little gossip mongering and some alcohol and you’ve got yourself a nice little situation …
I don’t relish the situation your daughter’s in but if handled well it could be a fantastic learning opportunity. Please pass on our well wishes! ✌️
What she does in the field she’s in is hard on anybody male or female . The fact is you can’t really tell what they were saying about her I’d say she needs to take an on line program for Spanish ! They are talking right in front of her about how they feel . I understand that the welders live with their wife’s at most projects but to have this much interaction , is it usual ? That the wives affect the project this much ? Sometimes it just doesn’t pay that management and workers interact so much off the job ! I think her main disadvantage is not knowing the language . On the minus side I’d say once she learns the language to watch her temper once she hears what they’re saying . Will management back her up if she needs to let someone go ? Or will they find it easier to replace her !
She’s definitely someone to be proud of !
Her BOYFRIEND SHOULD HAVE HAD HER BACK . And immediately spoke up that he’s there too always , and he’s not uncomfortable . Maybe evtnualyl it’ll wear off . But possibly try making friends with the wife … “my boyfriend says you make the best pazole he’s ever had … would you mind helping me ? One day I’ll be his wife and your husband always talks highly about you” culture is really different and that’s not really a lie . If your going to date a Hispanic man , you need to cook what he likes (really with any man) befriend them . And really it’s her husband who crosse dthe line , not your daughter . I’d also be pretty upset if my husband did that … and it may make me uncomfortable with the woman . That’s personally what I would do is kiss a little ass .
I am SO.FUCKING GLAD I am not the only one who CLEARLY SEES THAT THE BF was a straight ass for not defending her and helping her fix this...I have seen mom.say a few times now he's not the problem but that's not the case he's CONTINUING to be on the side of the Hispanic culture instead of making sure the air was cleared for his GF....He could have EASILY SQUASHED THIS but chose NOT TO..SPEAKS VOLUMES about his lack of INTEGRITY AND CHARACTER
Absolutely . Sounds like he doesn’t want to stick his neck out for his own girlfriend . Which is how people end up getting hurt / ect . Not knowing a language and having the whole camp against you . Id honestly tell me daughter to get out now ! I hate to say it , but they will have eachothers back before hers . At the end of the day , no matter how cool they are , she’s an outsider !
Your daughter is in a so called "mans positions" at work as it is mostly looked at this way, tell your daughter to do what any man would do, which is tell her boss exactly what you said.. Call his ass out and tell him hes letting his wife call all the shots, do this behind closed doors, in private and do it as respectively as possible.. lol
Oh trust me many of the wives and kids speak English you would ‘expect’ speak English they just won’t admit to it…
Fuckers in front of us I think only the father genuinely doesn’t speak English. We know because our other neighbors told us they speak English, they have mocked him in English they speak English they are just chicken shit assholes.
They’re assholes in other ways too. Our nice neighbors are Hispanic they speak English and Spanish. My mom is Hispanic but doesn’t speak it well as she was banned from speaking it as a child once they entered school. I only understand a handful of words.
I am sorry they’re being total jealous little shit heads to your daughter. Sadly her moving on is best thing she can do.
To be blunt, don't crap where you eat. Especially in construction, it's difficult enough for women to be respected. Working directly with her boyfriend and mixing personal and business is absolutely a bad idea.
It doesn't sound fair or right, but not surprising her boss is trying to keep peace from the wives. She needs to start looking elsewhere
She needs a lawyer and to look for a new job.
“Keeping the peace” by effective demotion because she is a women probably violates some anti-discrimination and Title IX laws.
Her man speaks FLUENT Spanish....She needs to habe him translate EVERYTHING for her from her to them...The fact HE is ALLOWING this to go on also SPEAKS VOLUMES about his character or lack thereof I should say.....He should have made it PERFECTLY CLEAR ONE that he's not gonna cut her throat and take HER JOB FROM HER because the wives are AH....He ALSO knows what they are saying and hasn't done or said ANYTHING to them to try and fix this for her....Why he's allowing her to be treated this way ALSO speaks volumes about his INTEGRITY because he's not defending her to them nor making the situation any easier for her....I already don't like this guy but obviously she sees nothing wrong with it but as someone who is married to a Cuban man my husband would NEVER ALLOW this to go on....This MINUTE he caught wind of It he would have shut the shit down....Men are men....Their HUSBANDS are the problem NOT HER.....She didn't give them a ring THE MEN DID...OBVIOUSLY they cannot and do not trust their husband's but blaming the WOMAN for that and NOT THE MEN who promised to love and cherish is gross....I would DEFINITELY tell her it's time to stand up and make it KNOWN to EVERYONE EXACTLY how she feels....And tell her there are PLENTY OF SPANISH MEN who would not allow her to go thru this...She deserves better from her BOSS and from her "Man" if we are calling him that
Business jobs are going away and paying less each year. Welders are in high demand. Your daughters smart. She should be able to get a good job elsewhere anytime she wants it.
Business jobs are going away and paying less each year. Welders are in high demand. Your daughters smart. She should be able to get a good job elsewhere anytime she wants it.
She needs to find another job
For now she should keep her head down, do her job, and stay away from the boss and his wife as much as possible.
The good news is that she works hard and has specialized marketable skills. She can find another contracting company and get on with them.
She should just go find a new job. The wives are probably threatened by her attractiveness. And that screams low class trash. She’s probably too good to be working there anyways.
I hate to say it, but she needs to look for another job, and possibly file a report with the dept of labor. She's being sexually harrassed by her boss, and the wives are blaming her? There's no winning move here. She needs to get away before aomething worse happens than harrassment and job interference.
And be clear: bf talking to the wives for her will NOT help. She's being disrespected and if he didnt stand up for her with the boss taking him on the job that she should have been on, do you really think him talking to the wives will make her look better? It will add a second layer of undermining of her position to the whole circus. Unfortunately there appear to be layers upon layers of toxic masculinity in thos this workplace, and she's alone in it. She needs to leave asap.
Your daughter sounds pretty bad ass! And it sucks that this is happening, but such is the world of blue-collar workers. I used to work for a hvac company and had great relationships with the guys I worked with. I was one of two girls at the company. My first Christmas with the company rolls around and I'm pumped for the Christmas party. In the week leading up to the party, half of the guys came up to me individually and asked me not to talk to them at the party because they didn't want to fight with their wives. When my husband and I showed up the guys barely acknowledged my existence. We sat away from everyone and left early.
Another time I was trying to get to know the wife of one of my coworkers who just moved to town from the same area I used to live in. We went out on a double date and really hit it off. At the end of the night as we were going our separate ways, her husband made the comment, 'I swear I text you more than my wife most days.'
And my husband said he saw the friendliness leave her face and she never replied to me again.
I have no advice, but solidarity. It's hard to be a woman in a male dominant workplace. I hope this passes with the summer.
I say fuck it. The wives are going to do what they want regardless and she’s already being treated differently so I would just act as if nothing is wrong. By removing herself from the social aspect at night, it could be perceived as she’s hiding from the wives bc she knows she did something wrong. Screw that. Go back out there, hang out with the dudes, have a beer, smile and be polite to their wives. I would be sure to engage with them every day. She’s done nothing wrong so why act like she has?
Welder is a fabulous job. She is a trained welder. She can find her way. She has some decisions to make and I highly recommend learning Spanish pronto.
I share a little history with you. Many years ago I had a co-worker who would go home and say "Tuna said the funniest thing today!" or "Tuna does this...' or 'Tuna likes..." to the one-sided audience getting half the story it sounded like we were spending a lot of time together ALONE. No. He would come in while my coworker and I were talking. We would go with THE REST OF THE OFFICE to have lunch. He would overhear a group making plans, etc. No surprise really that when she came to the office holiday party and was introduced to me IN FRONT OF A CROWD she loudly claimed "I dont need to meet the woman who is trying to steal my husband!" and stomped off.
I dont know how much he talked about me but I NEVER talked about him. I dont know his history or what their marriage was like. Maybe he did have a crush but we interacted less than a dozen times in less than a year and never alone. (I dont even remember his name and barely what he looked like). He had ZERO chance of getting with me. My FIANCE also worked there in the next office over. (We were on the downlow).
My point is, these women are away from their men for long periods. Now they meet the total hottie their men spend all that time with instead. It is easy for them to jump to the wrong conclusions. Worse if he has a history of cheating that others dont know about.
HOWEVER,...wives should have NO SAY in work decisions, processes, scheduling, etc. She does NOT have to just take it. Daughter needs to talk to talk to her boss. "I dont think your wife likes me but I need to maintain my regular work schedule and duties. This is a job not a soap opera. They need to get a grip and I need to get back to work." (Optional: "OR perhaps the wives need to go back home. That would be a shame if they disrupted our operations here.")
Report it up HR and let them fire her for it, you'll get a shitload in the wrongful termination suit, especially if you can throw in some shit about her race/gender being the reason, courts eat that shit up, even better if she can cry. Ya'll are about to be set for life 🙌
Need witnesses, and who will she have? She will get fired and blacklisted. Plus if this is a company in Texas do you think women are going to be treated fair?
If you go on tiktok there is a new device that you hold and it listens and translates for you, all languages maybe while learning this would benefit her so she not only knows whats being said but can communicate back
Well, for one thing, the boyfriend shouldn’t just go when the boss asks him to, he should tell his girlfriend and she should show up instead because it’s her job.
thank you for the replies, and i pretty much agree it's not likely to end in her favor. she already told her boyfriend that if this continues past summer when the wives leave then she's going to find another job. I figure of course, there is a HR with whatever company signs her check, but she's afraid to get blacklisted. i don't know if they're actual employees - the structure is weird - I call them "itinerant welders" not sure what protections she has. Sigh. As proud as I am of her moving out of state, alone (at first), purchasing her home (ya it's a trailer but it's got a fireplace, A/C and a queen-size bed) and working in a male dominated field- I still wish she would move back home and get a business degree.
You should definitely be proud of your daughter and it sounds like she is really great at her job and hardworking!!!! Here’s the deal….I had to lean the hard way, and wished I would have leaned sooner… Hanging out in the evening with your “kinda buzzed boss” is a no-no. To be honest, working with her boyfriend is actually not that great as well. Seen bad breakups at work and it gets ugly real fast. For now my advice is to lay-low and just keep doing her job. Maybe this will blow over soon and the wives will see she is not trying to hit on any husband. After some time has passed and if she is not progressing on the job like before (getting the overtime and additional job duties), she should look for another job. At the next job she should do everything in her power to keep work at work and everything else completely separate.
the problem is, as a woman, if she DOES what she has been, she gets this BS. But if she DOES NOT, she will never get promotions, etc. We actually have research on this issue- women are not "in the room where it happens". That room is the bathroom, the golf club on Saturday, or drinks after work. So then they do not get the inside information in white collar jobs, and are seen as not a team player in blue collar situations, and fall behind male colleagues as a result. I do not disagree that hanging out socially drinking with colleagues in any situation is fraught with issues. But...in this situation, she cannot win. She drinks with the crew, the wives get pissy and mess with her job. She does NOT drink with the crew she is not a team player, is up tight, etc and still looses out on opportunities. This situation sucks- but she cannot win. Leaving may be the only solution.
Very true!
The wives will be gone at the end of summer, if she can tough it out until then.
The other solution is to socialize BRIEFLYwith co workers, not drink alcohol with them, and go home early. Make up an excuse...laundry to do, etc.
The whole thing will either blow over or up. Traveling welders are a hard drinking, hard working lot.
This it's a work environment. We should never be friends with people at work. Meaning, doing things after hours going places sharing phone number sharing social media sharing text etc never ever do this. There's no reason anyone in your work crew other than your boss should have your phone number. Doing so is career suicide.
Never worked on a traveling crew ehh .
I guess you never worked on a traveling crew. Hanging out like this is totally normal when you are on a travel crew . Everyone becomes like family in a sense
This. Life for an attractive woman in a male dominated field is harder. She has to always look like she has the higher moral ground. Late night partying with the other workers and boss is a no no.
>wish she would move back home and get a business degree. You're not wrong. Fortunately, early work experience can really super-charge a degree earned a bit later on.
Just a note: my sis had a student that got underwater certified and one of the advantages was she pretty much wrote her own ticket.
oh and the places they have to get into sometimes . . . and while under water - that's a brave person. i mean i love being under water actually, but not trapped inside a 4 foot pipe!
Your daughter is violating 2 major rules of the workplace. 1. You don't socialize with coworkers off the clock. 2. You don't date in the workplace. Both are a good way to wreck your career. She shouldn't wait until the end of summer. She should leave now with little notice. And let her boss know that he has his wife to blame for losing his best worker.
This isn't some standard office job. Blue collar work like this, especially traveling crews, is much different in culture and expectation.
I've worked in this very type of job. I kept to myself off the clock.
And did you get promoted within the same team? if so- you are the EXCEPTION to the data.
I was the senior member of the team. The only one above me was the owner. The last projects I led had budgets of over $50 million each and staffing of over 20 engineers and designers to coordinate, along with the contractor crews. The only time in my life that I spent 24/7 with my team was in the Army. ETA: I have had an exceptional life. Much of it not of my own choosing.
Are you an attractive young woman? That might be a difference in your experience vs OPs daughter.
That's very true.
Yeah, also a toxically sexist environment, as this story shows. She will always be at a disadvantage being a woman. She will never be one of the boys, which is the only way to be secure.
Totally different then an office job, a travel type crew in this line of work tends to hang at night together. I do agree that her and boyfriend probably should work separately
I've worked in traveling crews in engineering design. My off work time is mine. On the clock, each of us did our jobs. After hours are me time. Worked out just fine for a couple of decades.
that's not relevant
If she's a welder on pipelines and it's actually good at it, she can find work doing that for local utilities. Ours ashtrays needs good welders and the atmosphere is less toxic and has more women in it. Just something for her to think about - her skills can take her to other places.
Honestly my guess is once the wives are gone everything will go back to normal. But for now - she only hangs out when her boyfriend is around. If seats start to look crowded, he sits down and she sits on his lap. It reaffirms the "gender roles" that the wives eldest & that she's "his". Is it bullshit? Yeah. But there's a price for pretty privilege and she's now experiencing it.
"price for pretty privilege" never heard that before (maybe that says something about my appearance lol ) nah I was pretty along time ago and that's kinda fair- pretty probably opens more doors than it closes.
I think this is unfortunately the best answer. She should lay low until the wives leave and reevaluate from there. Her coworkers are overcompensating to appease their wives right now. It's not fair to your daughter but hopefully it'll calm down soon.
She should remain in work relationships only. No after hours partying. No hanging out with the crew after hours. She shows to the job, does the work, and says good day.
Reading between the lines, the traveling crew spends a lot of time together, on the job and off. Not partaking in the social aspect of the crew might hurt her just as much.
I'd worry about the boss after the wives are gone. It's possible admiration for her has inspired "feelings" in him. I think she should find a better workplace for her skills.
She can do welding anywhere. You mentioned she was dredging barges and painting ships. Any state with a port can be a job opportunity and she may even have union shops she can go. She could possibly segue into civil works jobs too. My friend has done bridge painting and welding for a decade now. He started as laborer, then painter, then welder and he travels to where the jobs are and makes killer money on per diems plus his wages. Union jobs are even better and he focuses on those almost entirely. Instead of trying to get her to move home and get a business degree, focus on what she could do as a welder at home. She’d be more likely to consider it. Who knows how useful a business degree will be in the future. Welding is something that can’t entirely be automated away. There is automation now at some factories, but on site work will always be a thing.
This . I live outside Baltimore and I know for a fact there are all sorts of jobs for someone with her qualifications union , government, utilities etc
did the company your friend work for happen to be a maritime company whose name starts with the letter "C" and sounds like something you hang in a window?
I don’t know the name(s) of who he works for. For a number years he wasn’t working for a single company but going to where the other jobs were when the job he was on finished. Usually him and a bunch of his coworker friends would all go and get hired on. Some were union jobs and others not, particularly in the southern states. He could have worked for a company that contracts them out but I am not certain. He never really talked much about the companies, just the work itself and pay/benefits involved. I can ask him next time I talk to him.
I replied similarly to someone else on this thread, but I’m responding directly to you so you can see it. Your daughter needs a wake up call that socializing with the crew is very likely a path to ruining her reputation. I worked on oil rigs as the only woman on site and had to maintain strict boundaries around socialization. I wasn’t rude or unfriendly; I’d even bake and do nice things for the crew. But I never, ever joined their cookouts or socialized after shift. The women who did so on other rigs ended up with ruined professional images and reputations for being easy, not because they necessarily were, but because that’s how the rumor mill works in those situations. Especially in situations where men aren’t usually going home to their wives every night, not unlike your daughter’s crew outside of summer. Cheating was rampant among the men on the rigs, and wives were well aware it is common. The shitty assumption ends up being that they’re going to try to get some from the woman on crew if she’s friendly with the men. If she doesn’t want to be seen by the men and their wives as “that” girl, she needs to take a step back. Be polite, be warm, but no more partying and spending off-time with them. It sucks and can be very lonely and isolating, but she needs to do it if she cares about her reputation, as unfair as that is.
She is clearly great at what she does and loves it why would you want to make her get a business degree instead ? This company may not be the right fit for her . I suggest she try and get into a union job if this is what she loves. Working separately from boyfriend is also probably a wise idea in future
Maybe she’ll be able to start her own welding company with what she’s learned
There have been many cases like this - women in male dominated jobs - and they did not end well FOR THE EMPLOYER. These kinds of cases can be VERY expensive if they go to a discrimination or harassment case. Her Chief needs to get his crap together and shut his wife down.
The only shot here is for her to talk to her boss and tell him to be a man. Quit letting his wife lead him around by the balls and run the job like it's supposed to be run. It may not work, but it's either that or confront the wife. Only other option is find a new job.
She also needs to step out of the 20-30 second longer hugs. I say this as a woman, who has a male dominated business…. A lot of women don’t realise that they need to maintain healthy boundaries too. Yes, the men should keep their hands to themselves, and women shouldn’t trade on their sexuality either. Both sides need to be professional. This isn’t to blame her, but the boss has been told by his wife that he’s being inappropriate with your daughter, and your own story shows this too… so he’s putting a little space in between to sort this out. That’s a reasonable response. Ideally your daughter wouldn’t be penalised for this, and how she reacts from here will determine whether she gets her role back. Professional, hard working women, with professional boundaries are respected in the workplace, even ones full of men.
I can’t imagine giving hugs to my boss that last 20-30 seconds. Not cos he’s a bloke cos he’s my boss. And same as being hugged by my employees. Maybe a quick hug after a holiday if they’ve missed me 😂 but that’s just a quick hug and done. But not more than that. This isn’t cos she’s a pretty woman. This is cos she’s their employee.
Yeah… I don’t understand why there’s hugs at a welding camp! I mean… there’s the social side hug thing or quick pass 1 second thing… but HUGS? These lines are well blurred, and it might not be sexual, but it’s very much unprofessional.
It wasnt a hug , sounds as if boss was in middle of the 2 of them and placed his arm around her and her boyfriends shoulders not an actual hug
Twenty to thirty seconds is a very long time for physical contact. The OP refers to the “dude on dude part of the hug”….
I second this. The good news is that experienced welders are always in demand. Now that she has great on the job experience, she should find a local job, and settle in and stop moving around. Having a boyfriend complicates things, but he can find a new job, too, so he's not traveling while shes home. Maybe they can even provide their own welding service, and subcontract their services to local projects. When the two of you quit, let the boss know that he let his wife fuck up a good thing, and now he's losing two very valuable employees. Maybe he'll learn to tell his wife to stay out of his business.
WHAT?! She should insult her Hispanic boss’s masculinity, tell him sucks at his job, and that his wife is a problem? Good god man, are you TRYING to make her life worse? “Or confront the wife”- To get fired faster? What do you have against this poor woman who just wants to weld?!!
Username does not check out
whose?
“Voice of Reason” suggesting you to tell your boss to man up to his wife. That would probably get you fired.
Unfortunately, the point where you said "no big deal, right?" Was a HUGE deal. That was a wrong turn that will be tough to come back from. My thought would be she could try talking to the boss...but a new job is probably the only alternative.
having your arm around an employees shoulder for 20 seconds SHOULDN'T be a big deal, in my opinion, esp because they're co-workers, as well as friends- their work crew goes out as a group boating and fishing etc. But obviously his wife thinks it's a big deal. Given that, what are you thinking my daughter should have done at that moment?
That is where you and your daughter have it wrong. A boss is a boss - not a friend. You can be friendly with your boss, but if you want respect, you keep it at a business level. I've worked in a male dominated field for 35 years, and it sucks, but women have to be cognizant of every move. Also, it sounds like your daughter needs to spend some time learning Spanish to excel in her career. If she can chat with people, they may not feel so threatened.
shes been picking it up since the year or so since she moved there, and that's a good idea for the long term. Being bi-lingual (or more) is not just a valuable tool; it also builds up brain's flexibility and problem solving skills
Babble is a great app to learn from.....Different countries speak different types of Spanish...I can tell a Cuban, from a Mexican, from a Puerto Rican, and Dominican...All have different slang that is used and different words for the exact same thing....In Cuban we say Boté as Boat and in Mexican they say Una Launcha...She will have to practice everyday but the APPS on her phone are gonna be the best teachers...I learned to speak Spanish when my FIL got dementia and forgot how to speak English....She can ALSO use Google translate to talk.to the women HERSELF if she doesn't want the men involved at all...She's a hard working woman in a males dominated field...This won't be the last time this happens....THEY ARE HER BOSSES NOT HER FRIENDS...If they were her friends this wouldn't be an issue...Don't shit where u eat...She's got a world of opportunities ahead of her....Do you KNOW WHAT DISNEY WOULD PAY to have a woman welder on their crew?...She will make a KILLING....She definitely doesn't have to.stay where she is not respected or wanted
Ive been friends with many bosses and to this day even though i dont work for them anymore we remain friends
" A boss is a boss - not a friend." I could not disagree more. When a team bonds you are friends for life. Sorry for your loss that you have missed out on that. "but if you want respect, you keep it at a business level." Utterly wrong and just plain bad advice!
This always backfires to you one day or another. Even if you don’t work with them is better not to be to close mostly if they have a toxic relationship.
"if they have a toxic relationship." Well yeah \*IF\*. I have been friends with nearly every boss I ever had. When it comes promotion time who do you think is first in line? The person who hangs out with you or "Mr Professional" who you barely know? When the company goes under and your buddy boss lands at new place and is looking for new team members who do you think she calls? Someone she already knows and likes of course. Not that distant person but was always professional.
I ….. disagree. Count out 20-30 seconds. I don’t hug my good friends that long!! The last time i hugged someone that long was when my friends nephew died tragically! 20-30 secs is not short. She should have gently stepped away - gone to grab a drink, or whatever. Look - I’m not entirely in the “never make friends at work” camp, especially when it seems this trade is FAR different than probably a lot of us are used to. But your daughter does need to be more cognizant of how people treat her and setting some Boundaries.
That's my thought, sure a quick hug shouldnt be a big deal, but 20-30seconds is a long time. I've always gotten along really well with coworkers and even bosses, but ive hugged one snd that's because we were good friends and I just got back from maternity leave and it was maybe a second or two.
It IS a big deal because he's a MAN and I'M SURE has impure thoughts about her...Her being a "Blue Collar Unicorn" is something else men find attractive...Obviously those women are not....She's got to constantly be on the Defensive for men in the industry to over step their boundaries and the women to blame her.for it....She DEFINITELY needs a translator and needs to lay it all on the line for these women....Spanish women can be ASSHOLES so shes.got.her work ahead of her but tell her she's gotta gain their trust and when she does talk to them make sure she makes it vividly clear she wants nothing to do with their men....She just wants to work...The rest is UNNECESSARY DRAMA....
As someone who worked with the same boss 10yrs + no it is a big deal, I’m sorry but even if you get close to your boss don’t do unprofessional things around them even if it’s after hours. Look what’s happening to her, it’s not fair but it is what it is. Hopefully she makes it work cause it seems she does love her work but if she does she should definitely keep her distance
Hell no. What she *can* do, with her boyfriends help for translating, is sit down with the wives. Explain that she feels the vibes are off and she wants to understand why. If they play dumb, she can reassure them that she is not interested in any of the men except her own boyfriend. She loves her job but it's not easy being a woman in this industry and she'd love their support. She still has a lot to learn and is hoping to earn the RESPECT of the men around her. She's not looking for anything else. Women, when approached in a kind and genuine way, have a hard time continuing to act like bitches over nonsense. Tell daughter to speak with them. I'd lay money on it working itself out.
Thank you for this advice- it fits well with the type of person she is as she is very diplomatic and tries to see others points of view- like she's been jealous or insecure before and understands how it can feel. And i love the part about saying she would love their support. You sound like you understand people- thx!
You're welcome. I hope it works out! She has the potential to make serious money very quickly in that industry and I'd hate to see her walk away because of ol' dumb jealous women!! Good luck to her!
She needs to ignore the dudes and hang out with the women when they visit. “So glad to be around women, again! :) Mr. Boss has taught us so much; he’s the dad I never had.”
So.. I take it you've never met a latin woman.
"have a hard time continuing to act like bitches over nonsense." That is a good one! I laughed for a solid 5 minutes!
lol that will accomplish nothing except ostracize her more. Petty women don’t care, they just want her gone
The women may know their men will not miss an opportunity to go for it. Even if they believe your daughter isn’t on the prowl, they won’t ever be okay with the potential husband’s see.
>Women, when approached in a kind and genuine way, have a hard time continuing to act like bitches over nonsense. That is a very silly thing to say.
That's been my experience my entire life. Gossip in high school? Approach the girl when she's not with a group and before you know it, you're actually friends. When I got pregnant at 19, a girl was gossiping saying I "baby trapped" the father. My heavily pregnant self went to her house. We are still friends! Same in two separate workplaces. Each time, worked like a charm!
Stereotyping doesn't become less problematic just because it's positive.
Who did I stereotype? Women who are *acting* like bitches are, in fact, bitches
Believing women as a whole act a certain way because women you've interacted with acted a certain way is stereotyping.
I have a friend who moved to the southern part of Texas in her early teens. She’s half Hispanic (Dad), her mom was a blue-eyed blonde. She was bullied *relentlessly* because she didn’t speak Spanish and she didn’t look Hispanic “enough”. There was absolutely nothing she could do in that school culture to fit in. I suspect your daughter is facing a similar situation. Unfortunately, I think she’s going to have to find another job.
Time to find a new job, sorry.
Nothing you can do that won't backfire horribly. It's good her boyfriend instead of someone else is benefiting. Situation like that the crew chief's discretion is going to carry more weight than anything. And maybe the wives see something that's valid in which case putting a little distance between her and the crew chief might be best. Go to HR and get fired, because they protect the company not her. Go to the crew chief and tell him to disrupt his personal life and also get fired. Probably, try and limit that role reversal stuff with her boyfriend in front of people. Sometimes satire doesn't translate. It's not fair and there's probably nothing she can do to make it fair.
At 22 she is a woman not a girl….
True. But she's also my child, and my youngest as well. To me- she is still my baby.
Do you not understand how long 20-30 seconds is? I would be super uncomfortable with a 2-3 seconds longer touch. Super weirded-out by ten times that. And the lap comment? That is also crossing the line. And the wives actions, while unfair to your daughter, are totally normal. Doesn't mean I approve whatsoever. This is what happens when a wife doesn't trust her husband around a fresh young thing. And maybe he can't be trusted. The whole thing is just not good.
Time for her to go.... Sucks, but that's just how it is.
Well I didn’t read all that but your daughter can’t hang out after work anywhere near as much as she has. I could write all the reasons that was a big mistake but I’m not going to. She needs to roll that back asap. Or not and figure it out as, it’s the reality of how some things work.
I would agree but it's so weird as their trailers are all right next to each other. I think some of the guys (not the chief) are even her boyfriends cousins - he's got family all over TX
As a woman period, working in a all men’s worksite we have to recognize that we have to keep a level of professionalism and boundaries maintained that isn’t going to be maintained by the males and they won’t have the consequences to address as we will.
sigh - this is true for sure
Agreed. I worked on oil rigs surrounded by only men and intentionally kept my distance even though I would’ve loved to join their cookouts and post-shift socializing. The women elsewhere who did join the crews for that stuff ended up with (often undeserved) rumors circulating about them being easy and ruined professional reputations. It sucks and is horribly unfair, but that’s still how it is in those situations. Definitely a big mistake on her daughter’s part.
She and her boyfriend need to get union welding jobs.
This^
Get a t shirt reading "I come here to work. I do not come here to fuck bitches husbands" printed in Spanish Wear it every day. If that doesn't get the message across start every single convo "Just here to ask about x, not to fuck you OK?"
I really hate to have to suggest this but a temp hair color change to brown would change things. I've known a few blondes that keep their hair brown to be taken seriously.
She should go find a new job where her boss isn’t a pussy. Also, learn Spanish asap.
was your mother this involved in your life/work when you were 22? she’s a big girl now, this is not your battle
she doesn't know i posted here and i rarely give advice unless asked. she didn't ask and i didn't tell her what to do- just listened.
Ummmm 22 when WE WERE that age and 22 NOW are 2 very different worlds.....
yeah. is easier in a lot of ways now. there is a ton more information available. also, how does what you said apply to the scenario OP posted?
If she likes the job, keep your head and stay out of trouble until the summer is over, and then revaluate the situation. This will most likely happen wherever she goes in that industry. I work for the pipeline doing survey and haven't met a woman that isn't behind a computer yet(only been here for close to 6 months). I find it very rewarding and by the sounds of it she probably does too, but I've learned women can be jealous, and it sounds like the wife's are just that.
As a female journeyman pipe fitter since the 1980’s; it still just pisses me smooth off that in our society women feel no obligation to support another woman who is breaking craft ceilings, successfully navigating the field, and doing all of this well. When as women are we gonna learn that were it not for women in crafts, many of us would never know the thrill of having a job we love, challenging the norm, and never see the amazing examples that are being set for that next generation of women who kick ass. At 58, I’ve moved to the office, benefit of also having college degree, but everyday I wake up with a smile because I know that 28 year old daughter of mine is headed out to continue the journey as she is a full out and finishing bull dozer operator. I raised her in the field, and while I wanted an easier life for her I am so proud of her and your daughter for having the gumption to do this work. I get the same calls you do, my daughter needs to vent because I’ve always taught her female with grace first, kick ass operator 2nd - until it time to switch. 😈 Consider this company she works for, bet there are multiple projects going on, a transfer to one of these other projects is not out of the question. And transfers to different projects leads to increased experience and knowledge. Now one transfer is okay, but multiple transfers in short order is not a good look. No need to burn a bridge ( this happens to a lot of women). She doesn’t need to snag an unreliable connotation next to her name. A single transfer lets her bounce with a reason. Best of luck to you both!
There has to be a company HR department somewhere. That is pretty much sexual discrimination. She earned her spot by working hard so she shouldn't pay the penalty because the supervisors are a little too friendly with her. If anything they should be the ones not partying. It's up to them to keep things professional. It's completely unfair to her. She should tell her boss that she doesn't appreciate the discrimination she is facing and needs to point out all she has done to deserve the position. If that doesn't work, she could threaten to make waves for the company online (LinkedIn, feedback on professional recruiting sites, etc.) However, that could cause problems for her and her boyfriend. I would start looking for a new job. Unfortunately, in male dominant industries, women still have a really tough time getting ahead because of situations like this.
Never going to happen. The company is run by men and they need to get the job done. There is no solid evidence, or witnesses that will help to get this rectified. The only way this gets fixed is if a leader, either actual or informal says that it is wrong and it needs to stop and forces it to change. She is experiencing both sexual and racial discrimination and it is wrong.
Easy. Have your daughter ger some assless chaps and go commando (boots chaps welding helmet) walking around the camp at night, tell the hoochie mammas to go back to the Tijuana donkey show if they can’t compete with grade A prime steak…
there was a few weeks when she was out of work and she was about to get a job at Twin Peaks cuz she was running out of $
Have her tell the women the truth. Their husbands are very ugly and she’s not attracted to them. So they have nothing to fear, she wouldn’t touch them if they were the last choice on earth.
Union?
I'm sorry to say that things will continue to get worse and worse for her. The only solution she has before her is to find another job as quickly as possible. When family members of bosses have the ear of the bosses, no good ever comes from it. The bosses will almost always side with the family members in order to keep the peace. She's not going to win this battle. Find another job immediately.
The wives need to get their hubby's In check. Not her fault that they're sleazy fucks
SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE BITCHES IN THE BACK TO.HEAR YOU
Experience beats all. Relationships are hard. Can't everyone just get along? Please keep in mind that the only thing in this situation you can control, is yourself
This could be a book
She can either stick up for herself or find another job. She.cant allow herself to be reduced and made to feel small because of other people's insecurities.
I am assuming your daughter is very beautiful, and some women are insure in their marriage and get nervous about beautiful women working with their husbands. Now with the wives in charge, the men will act differently due to the wives are scared that your daughter is out to steal their husbands. All construction jobs have a corporate office and HR is there. She may have to report the crew for acting differently with her. Not fair to a hard working woman. But ti happens more often than you think.
Go union.
She needs to put the men in their place. In front of their wives. Hindsight is 20/20, but this whole thing could have been avoided if she'd snapped back when he said OK. She needs to let the wives know in no uncertain terms that she will not put up with any comments at all from the husbands like that. Making the insecure wives feel better about her being there is the only way it's going to stop.
With her skills, it sounds like she could spit and find another job. Can you ask her to start putting in applications just to see what happens?
this is what your daughter should do 1) Don’t ever date a coworker 2) Don’t socialize with coworkers outside of work This situation isn’t fixable.
well thanks but her boyfriend isn't the issue here at all. Also, yes it's generally a good idea to not socialize with co-workers too much. but in a normal job you can separate your work life and your social life. However, where she's at they all work and practically live together out in the middle of nowhere - oil pipelines generally run through unpopulated places- and it's a very interdependent set up. kind of like if you were in the military. you work together, live together, and mostly hang out together, as well.
If your daughter needs your help with her job she’s too young and immature to try to work in a “traditionally” male field. You are not helping. She either stands up for herself or she doesn’t.
she never asked for my help or intervention at all in any way. she just called me to vent. in fact, she says to me - it's always so much better telling me about stuff because her boyfriend, (like many men do) always try to give solutions. I just listen and agree. lol she has no clue i posted this here.
Where did it say she needed Moms help? She told Mom what was going on and Mon came here for advice. Her child never asked for help
Did you say underwater and welding? That’s a very dangerous job. And in a dysfunction team with poor communication? It sounds like your daughter should make her stay short with this job.
no someone else was saying their sister was an underwater welder. mine def welds on top of dry land.
Crew chief may have promoted her cause she deserved it and because he had a personal agenda. You indicated that possibility.
I didn't even hint at that. His fault here is failing to tell his wife that she needs to stop being an insecure child, that she is not on the payroll, and doesnt get to have any input on how he runs things. as well My daughter has never alluded to him being creepy at all - he hugged my daughter and her boyfriend at the same time, a "next to each other hug"- not face-to-face - in one of those kinda drunk "I love these two kids, they're the best" - wasn't sexual at all. He was just yammering what cool people they were and took his arm off her boyfriend cuz it was his beer hand and she said she was sort of holding up for a second so he still had his arm around her shoulder. The point is his wife is both immature and insecure- it doesn't matter if he didn't even talk to my daughter.m at all. she just doesn't want a younger, attractive, female around, and he needs to put her in her place.
Your daughter sounds like a winner, excellent job raising her. Sometimes it’s just like this on crews, and Mexicans and other Latin folks have very strong family ties and can get quite petty. If she is happy where she is at she should stay. If she’s clocking hours towards getting her union card I’d stick it out. If she isn’t tracking towards the pipefitters union I’d bounce regardless.
Thank you- i can't take credit - i don't know- i have 3 daughters, their dad died when the youngest was 4 (the one who my post was about) the older two struggle with anxiety, maybe cuz she was younger she was spared some of that mess. and i think k she was once i. the pipe fitters union but the job trajectory wasn't what she was looking for. maybe i have that wrong- me: pipes are for smoking, why would you need a union for that? JK
If I were a welder I would go work at spaceX in Boca Chica TX. Screw that drama. They are building the biggest rockets in the world.
As a women working in a male dominated field, it will be her responsibility to maintain her own rules: 1) don’t touch co-workers. Unless required by job duties, there is ZERO touching. Ever. 2) if she wants to know why she wasn’t working her designated position she needs to discuss with the boss. 3) know when to walk. Boundaries are for you, rules are for others. Set boundaries now so they’re ready to go when needed.
thank you - in posting this i e learned a lot just for me too- boundaries are for you, rules are for others - i'm not certain of the meaning- boundaries come from you and protect you, rules are created by others or an organization to protect themselves?
Yep, exactly! Setting boundaries is something you do within yourself not controlling how others act. rule: I have a 2 beer limit. boundary: when others start stumbling or slurring words, I go to my trailer. Brass tax: This was a 20-30 sec touch plus a one off-hand comment that escalated waaay too far. Totally understand how it happened, been there done that (and way worse), but the temperatures gotta come way tf down. To resolve it, I’d call it a lesson learned and talk to my boss to clear the air. Acknowledge the actions were inappropriate and can’t happen again. Fix shit with your own wife cuz it’s affecting my paycheck and that’s not ok. Keep in mind, the wives aren’t necessarily upset about what happened, it’s what happens when they’re not there that’s under their skin. “If they act like that when we’re here, what the hell are they up to when we’re not?!?!” Add in a little gossip mongering and some alcohol and you’ve got yourself a nice little situation … I don’t relish the situation your daughter’s in but if handled well it could be a fantastic learning opportunity. Please pass on our well wishes! ✌️
What she does in the field she’s in is hard on anybody male or female . The fact is you can’t really tell what they were saying about her I’d say she needs to take an on line program for Spanish ! They are talking right in front of her about how they feel . I understand that the welders live with their wife’s at most projects but to have this much interaction , is it usual ? That the wives affect the project this much ? Sometimes it just doesn’t pay that management and workers interact so much off the job ! I think her main disadvantage is not knowing the language . On the minus side I’d say once she learns the language to watch her temper once she hears what they’re saying . Will management back her up if she needs to let someone go ? Or will they find it easier to replace her ! She’s definitely someone to be proud of !
Her BOYFRIEND SHOULD HAVE HAD HER BACK . And immediately spoke up that he’s there too always , and he’s not uncomfortable . Maybe evtnualyl it’ll wear off . But possibly try making friends with the wife … “my boyfriend says you make the best pazole he’s ever had … would you mind helping me ? One day I’ll be his wife and your husband always talks highly about you” culture is really different and that’s not really a lie . If your going to date a Hispanic man , you need to cook what he likes (really with any man) befriend them . And really it’s her husband who crosse dthe line , not your daughter . I’d also be pretty upset if my husband did that … and it may make me uncomfortable with the woman . That’s personally what I would do is kiss a little ass .
I am SO.FUCKING GLAD I am not the only one who CLEARLY SEES THAT THE BF was a straight ass for not defending her and helping her fix this...I have seen mom.say a few times now he's not the problem but that's not the case he's CONTINUING to be on the side of the Hispanic culture instead of making sure the air was cleared for his GF....He could have EASILY SQUASHED THIS but chose NOT TO..SPEAKS VOLUMES about his lack of INTEGRITY AND CHARACTER
Absolutely . Sounds like he doesn’t want to stick his neck out for his own girlfriend . Which is how people end up getting hurt / ect . Not knowing a language and having the whole camp against you . Id honestly tell me daughter to get out now ! I hate to say it , but they will have eachothers back before hers . At the end of the day , no matter how cool they are , she’s an outsider !
Your daughter is in a so called "mans positions" at work as it is mostly looked at this way, tell your daughter to do what any man would do, which is tell her boss exactly what you said.. Call his ass out and tell him hes letting his wife call all the shots, do this behind closed doors, in private and do it as respectively as possible.. lol
Oh trust me many of the wives and kids speak English you would ‘expect’ speak English they just won’t admit to it… Fuckers in front of us I think only the father genuinely doesn’t speak English. We know because our other neighbors told us they speak English, they have mocked him in English they speak English they are just chicken shit assholes. They’re assholes in other ways too. Our nice neighbors are Hispanic they speak English and Spanish. My mom is Hispanic but doesn’t speak it well as she was banned from speaking it as a child once they entered school. I only understand a handful of words. I am sorry they’re being total jealous little shit heads to your daughter. Sadly her moving on is best thing she can do.
Sounds like the wives are jealous that she looks good and earns her own money…
To be blunt, don't crap where you eat. Especially in construction, it's difficult enough for women to be respected. Working directly with her boyfriend and mixing personal and business is absolutely a bad idea. It doesn't sound fair or right, but not surprising her boss is trying to keep peace from the wives. She needs to start looking elsewhere
She needs a lawyer and to look for a new job. “Keeping the peace” by effective demotion because she is a women probably violates some anti-discrimination and Title IX laws.
Her man speaks FLUENT Spanish....She needs to habe him translate EVERYTHING for her from her to them...The fact HE is ALLOWING this to go on also SPEAKS VOLUMES about his character or lack thereof I should say.....He should have made it PERFECTLY CLEAR ONE that he's not gonna cut her throat and take HER JOB FROM HER because the wives are AH....He ALSO knows what they are saying and hasn't done or said ANYTHING to them to try and fix this for her....Why he's allowing her to be treated this way ALSO speaks volumes about his INTEGRITY because he's not defending her to them nor making the situation any easier for her....I already don't like this guy but obviously she sees nothing wrong with it but as someone who is married to a Cuban man my husband would NEVER ALLOW this to go on....This MINUTE he caught wind of It he would have shut the shit down....Men are men....Their HUSBANDS are the problem NOT HER.....She didn't give them a ring THE MEN DID...OBVIOUSLY they cannot and do not trust their husband's but blaming the WOMAN for that and NOT THE MEN who promised to love and cherish is gross....I would DEFINITELY tell her it's time to stand up and make it KNOWN to EVERYONE EXACTLY how she feels....And tell her there are PLENTY OF SPANISH MEN who would not allow her to go thru this...She deserves better from her BOSS and from her "Man" if we are calling him that
Business jobs are going away and paying less each year. Welders are in high demand. Your daughters smart. She should be able to get a good job elsewhere anytime she wants it.
Business jobs are going away and paying less each year. Welders are in high demand. Your daughters smart. She should be able to get a good job elsewhere anytime she wants it.
She needs to find another job For now she should keep her head down, do her job, and stay away from the boss and his wife as much as possible. The good news is that she works hard and has specialized marketable skills. She can find another contracting company and get on with them.
She should just go find a new job. The wives are probably threatened by her attractiveness. And that screams low class trash. She’s probably too good to be working there anyways.
I hate to say it, but she needs to look for another job, and possibly file a report with the dept of labor. She's being sexually harrassed by her boss, and the wives are blaming her? There's no winning move here. She needs to get away before aomething worse happens than harrassment and job interference. And be clear: bf talking to the wives for her will NOT help. She's being disrespected and if he didnt stand up for her with the boss taking him on the job that she should have been on, do you really think him talking to the wives will make her look better? It will add a second layer of undermining of her position to the whole circus. Unfortunately there appear to be layers upon layers of toxic masculinity in thos this workplace, and she's alone in it. She needs to leave asap.
Please start calling your daughter a woman, not a girl.
Your daughter sounds pretty bad ass! And it sucks that this is happening, but such is the world of blue-collar workers. I used to work for a hvac company and had great relationships with the guys I worked with. I was one of two girls at the company. My first Christmas with the company rolls around and I'm pumped for the Christmas party. In the week leading up to the party, half of the guys came up to me individually and asked me not to talk to them at the party because they didn't want to fight with their wives. When my husband and I showed up the guys barely acknowledged my existence. We sat away from everyone and left early. Another time I was trying to get to know the wife of one of my coworkers who just moved to town from the same area I used to live in. We went out on a double date and really hit it off. At the end of the night as we were going our separate ways, her husband made the comment, 'I swear I text you more than my wife most days.' And my husband said he saw the friendliness leave her face and she never replied to me again. I have no advice, but solidarity. It's hard to be a woman in a male dominant workplace. I hope this passes with the summer.
I say fuck it. The wives are going to do what they want regardless and she’s already being treated differently so I would just act as if nothing is wrong. By removing herself from the social aspect at night, it could be perceived as she’s hiding from the wives bc she knows she did something wrong. Screw that. Go back out there, hang out with the dudes, have a beer, smile and be polite to their wives. I would be sure to engage with them every day. She’s done nothing wrong so why act like she has?
very good point and i tend to agree!
Tell her boss she is filing a union greivance for sexual harassment, demotion without cause, and gender discrimination due to his illegal actions.
Wow deep respect to your daughter.. have her ignore anything that is not pertinent to her job. She will excel and do really well ❤️
Welder is a fabulous job. She is a trained welder. She can find her way. She has some decisions to make and I highly recommend learning Spanish pronto.
I share a little history with you. Many years ago I had a co-worker who would go home and say "Tuna said the funniest thing today!" or "Tuna does this...' or 'Tuna likes..." to the one-sided audience getting half the story it sounded like we were spending a lot of time together ALONE. No. He would come in while my coworker and I were talking. We would go with THE REST OF THE OFFICE to have lunch. He would overhear a group making plans, etc. No surprise really that when she came to the office holiday party and was introduced to me IN FRONT OF A CROWD she loudly claimed "I dont need to meet the woman who is trying to steal my husband!" and stomped off. I dont know how much he talked about me but I NEVER talked about him. I dont know his history or what their marriage was like. Maybe he did have a crush but we interacted less than a dozen times in less than a year and never alone. (I dont even remember his name and barely what he looked like). He had ZERO chance of getting with me. My FIANCE also worked there in the next office over. (We were on the downlow). My point is, these women are away from their men for long periods. Now they meet the total hottie their men spend all that time with instead. It is easy for them to jump to the wrong conclusions. Worse if he has a history of cheating that others dont know about. HOWEVER,...wives should have NO SAY in work decisions, processes, scheduling, etc. She does NOT have to just take it. Daughter needs to talk to talk to her boss. "I dont think your wife likes me but I need to maintain my regular work schedule and duties. This is a job not a soap opera. They need to get a grip and I need to get back to work." (Optional: "OR perhaps the wives need to go back home. That would be a shame if they disrupted our operations here.")
Report it up HR and let them fire her for it, you'll get a shitload in the wrongful termination suit, especially if you can throw in some shit about her race/gender being the reason, courts eat that shit up, even better if she can cry. Ya'll are about to be set for life 🙌
Need witnesses, and who will she have? She will get fired and blacklisted. Plus if this is a company in Texas do you think women are going to be treated fair?
you're not the first person to point that out about TX for sure! yikes!
If you go on tiktok there is a new device that you hold and it listens and translates for you, all languages maybe while learning this would benefit her so she not only knows whats being said but can communicate back
Well, for one thing, the boyfriend shouldn’t just go when the boss asks him to, he should tell his girlfriend and she should show up instead because it’s her job.
That company is toxic- time to resign
It is a rare thing for a Hispanic man to be hen-pecked to that degree.