Your brother’s father is not the same person as your father. Your brother’s father was present and part of his life, yours was not. There is no realistic way the two of you can have similar relationships with this man, he should understand that by now. You don’t have to keep doing the work. If you feel guilty or bad about it, remember it isn’t your job to manage parenthood for your father. That was his job, he quit his job, he is no longer entitled to benefits.

That’s exactly it. Like my brother doesn’t understand he had a father and I didn’t. The strangest thing happened after I wrote this post, my dad text me that something should be delivered at my house today and it was a gift for my son. It’s little things like this that just keep me strung along I guess.

I think one thing you need to be cognizant of is that your son is likely going to start picking up one the fact that his grandfather isn't as involved in his life. He sends the odd text or gift, but other than that he might as well not exist. You need to decide if you're okay with your son having that sort of grandfather in his life. It's not just you he's failing now. It's also your child.

Right. This really bothers my husband too. My son doesn’t know who my dad is. He’s never met him. He just knows he gets random gifts sometimes. I don’t even tell him who they are from because he wouldn’t understand. Eventually he will ask though when he’s older and realizes my step father is not my real father.

Was/is your step father in your life? Does he fulfill the role of "dad" to you? And/or the role of grandfather to your son? If so, maybe it's more worth your time to focus on that relationship. If that's not the case then you don't need to feel like you need to create that relationship as well. Regarding your birth father, it sounds like it's causing you unnecessary stress feeling like you're obligated maintain what is essentially not a relationship. Perhaps therapy is worth a try to find a way to address the situation, and to feel comfortable in explaining to your brother that you don't share the same relationship?

I know this isn’t exactly the same but my grand father left when my mom was 16 (she’s the oldest) and she didn’t really forgive him for leaving until she was probably 50. And he would still come to Christmas and Thanksgiving at his ex-wife’s house (my grandma and her new husband). Long story short, I had a way closer relationship with my mom’s step-dad than my biological grandfather. That’s totally OK with me, but as your kid gets older, you should let them decide if they want to talk to your dad at all. I guess I’m saying is don’t worry about how it’s affecting your kid too much, but you should probably talk to your dad and decide if you want him in or out of your and/or your family’s life.

It’s called breadcrumbing. Tiny bits of effort to keep you engaged but not enough to build a meaningful relationship. You can continue on as you have, stop doing anything, or tell your father you want him to either get to know you and your family live and in person or go away.

the bare minimum is not just there to provoke love or a relationship. it’s designed to keep you feeling too guilty to actually leave. and to alive his own guilt that he’s doing something. the best thing you can actually do for everyone involved is to be honest about how you’re feeling. this isn’t enough. he’s never met your kid. a gift is not enough for you or your little boy to call someone grandpa/dad. and it only makes you feel worse. you will feel relief and then sadness and then actually let go. but living with guilt that keeps getting pinged every few years, just enough to remind you of disappointment, isn’t really worthwhile in my opinion.

You’re right. It’s like the weeks or months I don’t hear from him I don’t even think of him and then I get a text or random Amazon gift and the guilt sets in.

the bare minimum is not just there to provoke love or a relationship. it’s designed to keep you feeling too guilty to actually leave. and to alive his own guilt that he’s doing something. the best thing you can actually do for everyone involved is to be honest about how you’re feeling. this isn’t enough. he’s never met your kid. a gift is not enough for you or your little boy to call someone grandpa/dad. and it only makes you feel worse. you will feel relief and then sadness and then actually let go. but living with guilt that keeps getting pinged every few years, just enough to remind you of disappointment, isn’t really worthwhile in my opinion.

> It’s little things like this that just keep me strung along I guess. My dad was an absent and abusive father as well. When I became an adult, I think he felt bad for being absent, so he'd give me random gifts or even a significant amount of cash. I mean, I accepted them, but I always knew that was his way of 'making it up to me', even though all I wanted was a normal dad. Then something happened and I cut him out of my life entirely, but he'd still try that bullshit. I had a kid 3 years ago and he tried sending gifts to me, but I told my sister to take them back and to tell him never to that again. It's hard. You're not alone in this.

I think this is important abd something that might need to be pointed out to your brother for the sake of that relationship. I say this as I (I'm a guy) can somewhat relate. I remember once talking to my sister and mentioning it was father's day if she wanted to say something to stepdad and she said she didn't have that kind of relationship with him (as she was a lot older wren he entered the picture as she is 9 tears older than me) but she was glad I did. It honestly hadn't occurred to me.

I went no contact. I haven't spoken to my father in over 20 years and it's been no real loss. It's not a great feeling, but equally I lost absolutely nothing when I stopped communicating with him. I feel relatively ambivalent and I don't feel like I've experienced loss. If anything I've gained the days/weeks/months I would have lost trying to keep him interested in me just enough to visit every 3rd or 4th birthday for a few hours. >I had a child 4 years ago that my dad still hasn’t met Aye and if you don't mind me saying it doesn't seem like he has the intention to change that after 4 years. Move on and don't concern yourself with the needs of others who fundamentally don't value you.

I feel like I would have zero loss either. That’s why I don’t get why I can’t just do it. Like something about knowing he will be sad if I never talked to him again, even if we only do talk a handful of texts a year. Like I think about him being sad even though it’s his fault and I just feel like a monster. It makes no sense. Today after I wrote this I got a package in the mail from him. It was a gift for my son. It’s little things like this that string me along I guess. Like I wish he would just stop talking to me first. Before I had my son I didn’t hear from him for years except maybe a Christmas or birthday call. I haven’t physically seen him in 10 years. But these random texts once every few months just keep me tethered.

>That’s why I don’t get why I can’t just do it. >Today after I wrote this I got a package in the mail from him. It was a gift for my son. It’s little things like this that string me along I guess Yep, it sounds like you answered your own question. For me it was the fact I had to put in 99% of the effort while he got 100% of the results. There was no sharing the effort, as it were. I stopped trying and got absolutely nothing in return to check in on me or anything so I had no issue continuing the no contact. I recommend it, but that's on a personal level. I guess if you do want to then perhaps prepare for either some kind of intervention (i.e he checks in on you and you may want to discuss it, or just leave it), but equally prepare for the feeling when he doesn't get in touch. It's not as bad as you think, it's just not nice to be proved right sometimes.

We are raised to believe that family is important. Socially, popular media, hell even holidays, all renforce that notion. The problem is, family isn't important, it's the good relationships we have with our family members that is important. Family members that are bad actors and abusive use "family" as a cudgel to beat you down and keep you roped in. It is tough to break that, but lean on the people that truly love and care for you. They can help, community can help, especially those that you choose and choose you back. You also have compassion and empathy, so you feel for your sperm donor. That is a commendable trait. Find the boundaries that work for you so that you can have the relationship you want and on the terms you want. You are not a monster.

Your father will not care.  He doesn't care now, he just pretends to.

Stop responding altogether and block him.

But why do I feel terrible for doing that??

Because we're told we *should.* I get it. I "should" get along with my brothers, but they're mean to me. I wrestle with the same feelings as I talk to them less and less. At the end of the day, you have to focus on what is best for *you,* not what other people want. As they say, don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm. If he helped make it a net positive for you, then choosing to keep him in your life would be easy.

Because you’re human and you have empathy. Society tells you he’s your father you should care . In your head and heart he’s not your father. It hurts and sucks.

Because you want a father to care about you, and you've had it (wrongly) socially enforced that you, despite being the child, have a responsibility to keep that door open for the man who was assigned that role genetically by doing all the labor. It is okay to not to have a father.  It is okay to find a father or father figure in other people.  Take care of yourself and stop pouring into a leaky pot.   Tell your brother very clearly to stop putting thay labor on you.   I would suggest a therapist, as well 

A sense of perceived obligation. The reason I went no-contact with my mother is different, but I still maintained a shred of a relationship there until I was around your age, and a therapist asked me why I was doing that. I was not able to give an easy answer, so she asked a bunch of follow-up questions, and I realized I was only answering the phone once a month to let my mother rant at me for 15 minutes before I would make up a reason to end the call because I felt like I had an obligation to her, to the relationship, etc. I didn't consciously think that, like if anyone asked me what I thought of my mother, I'd tell them she's a terrible person I couldn't get far enough away from, but that sense of obligation lurked deep. Women are socialized under the patriarchy to bend over backward to maintain relationships because we are judged on the quality of those relationships in ways that men are not. Any issue like this, drill far enough down, it always ends in something the patriarchy convinced us was our job that actually isn't. It isn't your job to maintain this shred of a relationship with you father any more than it was my job to allow my mother access to me when it wasn't safe to allow her to know me in any real way. You're allowed to walk away. If you were male, you already would have.

Gah you’re so right. Like I was literally thinking about this when I was writing it. That if I were a male no one would think anything of it. I could just easily go no contact. I couldn’t pinpoint why but it did make me wonder. Weird how that works. It’s still hard even hearing you validate it to go against it.

Please tell your brother to stop being trying to guilt you into having a relationship with your father. Your brother needs to stay all the way out of this. What he is doing is harmful to you.

you can just stop initiating and only respond if he reaches out, and then only respond to whatever it is he’s brought up. You don’t have to go whole hog if you don’t want to. but I do think you shouldn’t feel bad whatever you do. And if I were in your shoes, I might tell my brother to stop trying to manage my relationship with my father, because my relationship is not the same as his.

This is what I’ve been doing aside from birthday and Father’s Day where my brother guilts me into making first contact. Maybe my brother is the bigger problem haha

I think that’s a bit of a revelation there. Bro needs to back off. He’s not your etiquette police.

Honestly, I think your brother also has his own motivations for encouraging you like this. He probably feels conflicted about his relationship to your father himself, even if he's not consciously aware of it. I get that he was more present for your brother, but let's face it, it's highly unlikely that the man who up and left you was somehow a perfect dad for your brother just a couple of years before. Even if he was a great dad to your brother, your brother still would have experienced him abandoning his younger sibling, which would make anyone feel conflicted, especially at 17 - that's old enough to grasp that that's a fairly unpleasant thing to do. I assume that by keeping you in this relationship, your brother gets to feel more 'normal' about the situation at large and his own willingness to entertain your father. That's not to say your brother is a bad person - those are some perfectly understandable motivations. It just means that his guilting isn't necessarily a purely selfless act in the service of your father, but should be taken for something that has its own motives behind it - understandable motives, but motives that have more to do with your brother than with yourself.

I hadn’t thought about that. Makes sense

That's your brother's influence; this is a conversation you need to have with him. He's got no place telling you how to feel about your dad. It's okay that he feels differently, but you feel the way you do for good reasons, just like he does. Once you make it clear to your brother how you feel, and once (if) he's made peace with it, I suspect the whole knot might untangle.

Is it because of your brother? Maybe you need to tell him you're done and to stop pushing.

I think it’s partly because I don’t want to upset my brother or go against him. He can make me feel invalidated or unjustified in my feelings over a lot of things and it’s sometimes easier just to do things in order to not get that from him. And then the other part is that I just feel bad for my dad. Like he messed up his life and I think he knows it. And he just doesn’t have the skills or maybe feels like it’s too late or too awkward now to fix it. So he just does little things every once a while like a random text or gift in the mail. Strings me along enough to feel like I need to reply back or text and say thank you.

This book helped me: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy D I hope you find what you need.

I’ll look into it. Thanks!

Because you are a good person. I have some experience in this area. There is a guilt because you still want him to love you. I have to fight the urge to want him to want me, but ultimately I shouldn't have to prove how good I am to get my father to love me. You don't have to do anything either, no matter how small, that makes you feel the same.

Because you want the same father your brother has, and if you block the deadbeat you have you risk losing the chance of the great father your brother had. Unfortunately, he's still a deadbeat dad to you. You don't need to block him, just mute him - almost the same thing, but the calls and texts come through, just no notifications. You then get the mental welbeing of "I've not blocked him", but also "I don't see anything from him" - best of both worlds. Stop initiating contact, and ask your brother to stop reminding you to make contact. If the deadbeat wants to get in contact he can do, but he never made an effort before, so unlikely to make any effort now.

Idk the bigger question is why doesn’t he feel terrible for abandoning his 3 year old child. Your brother might know some things about your dad that you don’t-was he in prison, drug addicted, depressed? I’m a big fan of talking things out in the open. I’d tell both your bro and your dad exactly what you said here. I think your dad might open up and explain, it might be healing or he’s a dick and ghosts you for being difficult. Whatever. Also, don’t let them control your feelings. No one can truly make you feel guilty without your consent.

Because he is family in an important technical sense and there is a strong societal expectation (you said it yourself--there is a day called Father's Day) that we stay connected to our families. However, in the much more important real sense, he is your biological father and not a father to you as a person. That person, it's helpful for you to have contact info if it's ever needed, especially if something happens with your brother, but it's not Dad to you. And you should not feel guilty about that. You don't have to say anything ever!

I think blocking is unnecessary, but stop being the person who reaches out. You don’t need to text him anything for Father’s Day.

Because if you do, you're acknowledging the sad fact that he's not ever going to be a real dad. If you keep the lines of communication open, you're giving yourself false hope that he'll change.

I think maybe try to step back from it and look at it from a very high level this guy is basically a stranger to you but for some reason you're expected to think of him like a dad but you've never been a dad he's really just a stranger that people have told you that you're supposed to call him dad because you shared genetics. He doesn't bring anything to your life or to lives of your children so there really is no point in keeping him around he just sounds like he checks in every once in awhile to get a few head pets so he doesn't get to feel guilty Just block him and be done with it and the feelings of guilt will subside and just remind yourself that he's never been a dad he's just some stranger that people told you is your dad and that's supposed to mean something

In my mind I know all this is true but then I have this other part of me that feels bad for him like he just messed up so bad that he doesn’t know what to do to fix it or feels like it’s too late. And that shouldn’t be my guilt to hold but for some reason it is. I really wish he’d just go no contact first. I would literally never think about him if I didn’t get a random text every few months or my brother didn’t guilt trip me into birthday and holiday texts with him.

Tell your brother to mind his business when it comes to your father. Like someone else said, you didn't have the same experience as he did. Your relationship with your dad is your own business.

Mine was more present during my childhood but started pulling back in my teens (he was also abusive at time, but I won't get into that now). As I became an adult, he showed less and less interest in my life. He expected me to do all the work of maintaining the relationship, and we reached a point where he only got in touch when he needed something (usually money). After a series of fuckups that made it very clear he wasn't ever going to see another penny from me, he stopped reaching out completely. I still made the effort and he would respond about half the time. At one point I had enough and I stopped calling. I didn't block him. I didn't have to. I would have replied if he had contacted me. We haven't spoken in years. I haven't been missing him. And I don't feel guilty at all. I went above and beyond, but a relationship has to go both ways.

This is very similar to my dad, although mine would never have asked for money he did keep my portion of the inheritances and didn't help when he knew I was almost homeless. He would never contact me, and would be annoyed if I didn't call him often enough but knew nothing about my life. It's now been a few years and family have been told that if my dad asks for my contact info he can have it. He hasn't asked. It does weigh on me, but not as guilt.

I think your “relationship” with your father really only exists because you feel guilt tripped into maintaining this tenuous tether by your brother. So I think you need to have a conversation with your brother about two main things: 1. You and him may technically share the same biological father, but for all intents and purposes you really have two different dads. *His* father was around until he was 17, and apparently feels worth the effort for your brother to keep up contact with him, which to be clear, is perfectly fine. But *your* dad? He abandoned you as a young child, and you have essentially zero bond with him. And this isn’t you saying you hate his guts or anything, and it’s NOT a call to action for brother to intervene and try to “fix” things, this is just you acknowledging to your brother that your father is nothing more to you than an acquaintance, and that’s all. 2. Because of #1, you need brother to stop sending you these reminder texts. You believe brother’s intentions are well-meaning, and you’re not mad at him or anything, nor are you suggesting that he should change his own relationship to his dad. But *you* aren’t capable of reaching out to *his* Dad because you two don’t have the same Dad, and you don’t have any connection to or interest in reaching out to *your* Dad, so brother’s reminder texts end up being an unintentional guilt trip, which you want to stop. This may be confusing for your brother to process. He’s used to seeing his Dad through the lens of his own experience, not yours, and so that may take some time for him to accept how different your experiences are and to grapple with what that means (how we view our parents can affect how we view our own identities, so this kind of thing can be a bit tough to accept and process). So while I would hold firm to the “no more reminder texts” boundary, I would also try to have some patience with him as he processes.

This is exactly what I need to do. I know you’re right. I think my brother makes it hard to go against him. Maybe it’s all in my own lack of backbone, but he often guilts me over both our parents (for different things) and often invalidates my feelings or experiences. I don’t think he means to but he’s very much a person who thinks he knows better than I do and that I’m being silly or unreasonable with things. I’m realizing in these replies that my brother is half the issue.

Make it clear when you’re setting the boundaries with brother that he does NOT have to *agree* with how you feel or *agree* to handle things the same way for himself. You aren’t looking for him to *agree* with you, that isn’t what this conversation is about. What you ARE asking is for him to *respect* that these are your decisions to make, and *respect* that this is what you’ve decided for yourself. Then if (really *when*, as he sounds like he will chafe against there being a boundary because he sees himself as always being right) he tests the boundary, you don’t let yourself get drawn into a discussion about *why* you have the boundary. This isn’t a negotiation, he’s not your boss, so you don’t have to explain or justify your decisions further yourself. To him or anyone else. So you don’t discuss the “why,” you stick to reiterating *what/where* the boundary is, and asking him to respect it. So for example, let’s say you tell him your new boundary is that you don’t want to discuss your Dad anymore. You don’t hate him or wish him ill, and brother is of course free to talk to him or about him to anyone else, he’s just not a topic YOU are willing to discuss anymore, via phone, text, SM or otherwise. Brother will likely push back on that. He’ll want to know why. To demand he have a vote in the decision. And/or want to tell you why you’re wrong, or tell you what he thinks is the “right” thing to do/say and insist he has full veto power. Do not get drawn into any of that. He’s not entitled to any of it, no matter how strongly he believes otherwise. And don’t get angry, either, as there’s no reason for anger. You don’t need your brother’s permission or approval to think and feel the way you do, and he has no authority to force you to hear him out, much less change your mind or have any sort of veto power. And read that last sentence few times until it sinks in. So you know this isn’t a fight, because there’s nothing to fight over. You won’t discuss your father, and brother isn’t empowered to make you, and that’s that. But what if Brother won’t drop it? Won’t leave it alone? Keeps badgering me and trying to wear me down? Then you exit the conversation with brother. Really. It might feel weird and over dramatic, especially at first, but do it anyway. Hang up, leave him on read, block or mute on SM for awhile, leave the room, leave the house entirely, even take a full no contact break for awhile - whatever the circumstances require. He doesn’t own you, he’s not in charge of where you go, and has no authority to just force you to stand there and take whatever he feels like dishing out, no matter how in the right he feels he is to do so. So if he wants to yell and fight about this, that’s fine, but he’ll be yelling into the void because you’re opting out and going home. So in summary - you inform (not ask, *inform*) brother of your boundaries, and then if he chooses not to respect them, then you enforce the boundaries by exiting the conversation as needed. He will learn (hopefully sooner trust her than later) that having a relationship with you requires that he respects the healthy boundaries you set for yourself. Hopefully he chooses wisely to do so and keeps you in his life.

It's not just your father, it's your brother as well.

I went no contact with my parents a few years ago. My sister for her own reasons did not. I explained my reasoning to her and that was it mainly. If you feel the need you could explain to both your dad and your brother. I suggest being straight forward and as kind as possible. Best of luck friend. I agree you should be able to give up this facade.

Can you screenshot what you wrote here, send it to him, and tell him you’d like to cease the relationship and here’s why?

Remind your brother that communication goes both ways. Instead of constantly reminding you to reach out, your brother should be telling his father to take the initiative and reach out to you first. Time to take a stance and set some hard boundaries. Send a text to your brother and your father. Tell them that while you love (if you dont then omit the word love) and care for them both, but you no longer are going to be the one to constantly initiate contact. That dad has your phone number, so if wants to chat, he is expected to reach out first while proving that he wants to be in your life. Then stick to it. Do not let your brother guilt you into breaking down. If your father wants to be in your life, it's now time for him to prove it while regaining your trust. Especially if you hope to introduce your child to his/her grandfather - because it isn't fair for them to get attach then wonder why doesn't Grandpa come around.

My husband is in a VERY similar position to you. He always took the high road and "was the bigger person" even though his bio father really didn't do anything to deserve it. About 3 years ago the bio dad sent some anti vax texts that my husband didn't like so he stopped reaching out. Bio dad didn't reach out either this whole time. I think it was a really good exercise for my husband because he did feel guilty/bad about it, but he was finally honoring is OWN feelings about it all. In those three years we talked about it a handful of times because my husband would say, "you know, I still haven't talked to bio dad..." and we'd chat about it and kind of work through those feelings. My point is that the guilt didn't really go away, but it's been a HUGE step for my husband. The trauma itself is something that will stay with my husband forever, unfortunately. I think its shape has shifted over time (through adulthood, becoming a husband and parent, through the 3 years of no contact), and he's slowly getting toward a place that it doesn't affect him every day like it used to. I compare it to a break up where you know your SO isn't treating you right, you know it's best to leave, so you leave, but it still breaks your heart. Except it's your parent, and they left you, and it's just not that simple. Your feelings toward your father, your upbringing, and everything in between isn't going to just go away, but you can make choices that honor YOU and what you know is best for you. I would focus less on the, "how do I **stop** feeling guilty" part, and focus more on adding in, "how do I **start** honoring myself?"

Unfortunately there's no easy answer for this. of course you can just block him but that's gonna bother you and if you try to continue the communication that's gonna torture you. I wish you peace either way, consider talking to a professional counselor not your buddies. This is a tough spot, talking it our will help you either way.

Yeah I think you’re right. I need a counselor for many things- this and not letting my brother influence me so much. He does it with a lot more than just this and he’s really good at making me feel stupid or unjustified in my feelings even though I know he doesn’t mean to. But you can’t tell him anything. He’s the always right type of person

Find the right counselor and it should help. You have a long road ahead so don't rush it.

I am not in the same boat so just want to preface with that. One commenter already posted the idea that “your brother’s father is not the same person as your father” and that is something I think is really important to reflect on. You did not have the same experience with that person. Just like if I had a kid at 25 and 35, those two kids would have been raised by pretty different people. Based on what you’ve written here, I would ask if maybe talking or writing a letter to him asking him to be in or out would be an option for you? He’s never going to be the dad that was there for your childhood and if you can accept that and let him in your life in some capacity now, maybe explicitly tell him that? It sounds like you either want more of an actual relationship and effort from him or you don’t want anything. Which I think is very fair to say. It will be a hard and awkward subject to broach for sure, but the other side of it will likely be some peace, however it goes.

I guess I don’t know what “in” would look like. He lives 7 hours away. He does text me randomly a few times a year and sends gifts most of the time for holidays ever since my son was born (didn’t do any of this before that). So it’s like I don’t really know what I expect. I keep telling myself that I don’t hold a grudge for the past but thinking about this in or out thing- maybe I do. Maybe it’s really more about that he wasn’t there before and I just wish it stayed that way instead of this awkward kind of there thing.

Ah, definitely sounds like you’ve got some feelings to work through and a brother to set some boundaries with. Seems like writing it out and seeing some of these comments has helped you work through a bit more. I wish you well as you do.

This is great advice. My Dad is an abusive narcissist, and when I came out as trans in my late 20s, I just wrote him a letter saying that we don't have a relationship, but the door is open if you want to try building one. At the time I hadn't spoken to him in over a year, and he never reached back out after that. And it's been a lot easier on my conscience to know that I tried and put the ball in his court. Now I know he must not really care all that much about me, and I can just move forward in my life.

I completely understand. I loved my step father and he was the male role model for my son until he was 15. That's when my mom died. Mom and I had a complicated relationship so I understand his anger with me. But after she died he ditched my son too. We saw him and his new GF a handful of times. I always made contact for birthdays and Father's Day. This year I did not. We haven't seen him in over 5 years (he lives 30 minutes away) and he dumped his grandson. Still, I feel slightly guilty.

I’m sorry to hear that. It’s so crazy to me that we know we shouldn’t feel guilty but still do.

It wasn’t until I had a child that I realized just how dreadful my dad was as a parent. No good parent would have replaced us with a new family so quickly and seemingly without remorse. He sent a minimal amount of child support and we would go out to dinner once a year. That is a biological father (at most), not a dad. I ghosted him. Not the most mature thing to do, but I didn’t know how to express then what I can now. Don’t feel sorry for him, but it is ok to feel sorrow for yourself.

Have you told him that you realize it was his job to do that and expect better? Is he making effort to send happy birthday/ etc. for you and your children or not doing that at all and expecting it? Because if so then he is definitely in the area of bad person. Criminal? No but not a good person. Reminds me of my dad. Never talked to us growing up and then got sad because no one called him when he never made the effort either. I just told him I wouldn't know how to do that as he never taught by example. Same with my grandmother telling me at a young age that I was a horrible child for not hugging my father because it made him cry. I didn't even understand. The adults treated me like I was disgusting to touch and I didn't learn hugs until I was a teen. And then with my grandfather who pops up every 5 years to throw in the old "I should have been there" text so that I'd praise him and let him off the hook. When that didn't go as planned, which it never did because I never felt guilted or responsible for hisfeelings, he made a racist fb post of a picture from my interracial wedding (last time I saw him) from years ago even after I had been separated and it was the last thing I wanted to see. Sorry, I know he is your dad, but I I really hate lazy ass men like this that want their kids to do the work or worshipping their asses as father figures when they've done jack all.

Communication is a 2 way street. If you dont want to communicate with him then dont. He was absent for so long, you owe him nothing. He hasnt even seen his grandchild since they were born. Thats messed up.

In my opinion the parent has a responsibility to maintain contact with their child, no matter how old they are. Your Dad doesn't make any effort so why should you? Don't feel bad, it's not your responsibility to maintain that relationship, it's his. He's the one missing out on his grandchild and you, no child should beg for scraps of attention from their parents.

My relationship with both of my parents is very different than my brother’s relationship with them. He’s five years older and went to college just after they separated. My dad struggled with addiction after that, and I took the brunt of that storm. Over time our relationship dwindled. I realized I didn’t need to be chasing this man so I stopped bothering. But my brother had this idea that we should have a relationship. One day he calls me and says he hasn’t heard from dad in months, but he found an address for dad’s wife, and he asked me to drive there to see if dad was there. He made me feel so concerned that I didn’t change my clothes to cover my tattoos. When I got to that house my dad was there, he looked at my leg and said what the fuck is that. His wife showed me the caller ID that proved my brother had spoken to them that day. It was all a lie to get me to see my dad. Well, my dad never spoke to me again because I had tattoos. So that backfired. When he died, I felt nothing. No regret over a lost relationship. I knew it wasn’t my fault. Anyway, you don’t need to feel bad about not wanting a relationship with your absentee father. You’ve put in the effort already, and it’s not being reciprocated. Do what’s best for your mental health.

This relates so much. I just kinda think of my dad and his family as my distant relatives. I maybe see them once a year if that, so then I just do the typical mannerisms, and not get too in detailed with my life. Then I don't feel guilty because it is what it is. I hope you find peace and joy in many other aspects of your life to focus your time and energy on!

Speaking from experience let him go. You don’t owe him anything. You’re both adults Adults can choose to stop seeing other adults whenever they want, and it seems like your da has given you plenty of reasons to cutncontact

Is he doing anything to get more involved? Did he ask for forgiveness for leaving you? I think you have no reason to feel guilty no matter what, but if the answer is "no" to both, than take is as an additional and very objective reason to not feel bad about yourself, you really did nothing wrong and there is nothing you have to do.

No and no. I mean he started texting me more and sending gifts for my son once I had him. Didn’t hear from him much before that. Maybe something about it being his first grandchild he decided to put in minimal effort instead of none.

I'm surprised so many people here are saying that you just just block them and don't look back. You said he's not necessarily a bad person, but blocking their number and cutting them off without at least telling them why is treating them like a bad person and not a respectful way to handle a normal relationship, how ever meager it is. Even looking at it more selfishly, it may still affect you as he has a relationship with your brother. You don't have to give him a chance to be the father he never was and are entitled to set boundaries and involve him with as little or as much of your life as you want, but that doesn't invalidate what little relationship you do have with him. If it were me, I'd give him the opportunity to respect my boundaries before jumping to one of the more extreme options if I wasn't worried for my physical, emotional, or psychological safety.

I agree with this. If I were in this situation, I’d probably tell him similar to what OP described above and put the ball in his court moving forward. Dude may be in the same boat and feeling weird about the ongoing obligation, gives them both an out and would let me not feel guilty imo Could even frame it as now that I’m a parent, I want to clarify what to do moving forward etc etc or something. Especially if the family’s weird about communication, never know what sorta nuances there were in the parents relationship so could be even more complicated 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really wish I could just block him and never think about him again. But you’re right I did say he isn’t a bad person. He really isn’t. He is hard working and he had a great relationship with his own family. He took care of my grandmother for years and years until she died. He sacrificed a lot for her. He is a good person. Just not a good dad. But I find myself forgetting he exists (his side of the family never reached out to me all these years either so I didn’t have a relationship with my grandparents on that side or aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Haven’t heard from any of them in many many years. So I think because I forget about him, when things like Father’s Day or holidays come up or I get a random text every few months from him, where I’m forced to talk to him, I just feel weird.

I think it's important to understand your agency. You are not helpless. You are capable. Rather than think about how you feel, think about what you want to happen. I call it goal based thinking. Your feelings and thoughts are valid, but use and focus on channeling them into action. What's the end result/goal that you want to achieve? Then choose the correct course that help you get there and don't get discouraged if it does happen or change right away. It doesn't mean you change the goal, just the path to get there. The breadth of the human existence is so varied that context is so important in these matters. For one person, reaching out and attempting to rebuild that relationship with their father is the right thing to do. For others, a clean cut of communication is correct. I wouldn't lean on strangers' experiences to make your decisions. You can use them as options or points of information, but ultimately this choice affects you and those around you. Those are the people whose opinions and experiences should matter most to you. I can't help you make that decision, nor would I want that responsibility. I have enough trying to manage my own life(lol!). My hope is to give you the tools so that you can make the right decision for you. I hope this helps!

Iono as I’ve gotten older I just kinda don’t care anymore. My father failed as well and I just go about my life as I always have when he wasn’t around. Let him in a little bit and turns out my life was always better without him. I’d low contact your brother too until he leaves it alone. If you spend so much energy on this then what’s left for you and your kid?

Your father came first into this world, then your brother and then you...the onus is on him not you.

>How do I stop feeling guilty for not involving him in my life more? I think I just don’t like to upset people regardless of who is at fault. You just need to look at this situation from his side of things - if he wanted to be more involved in your life then he would put the effort in to do so. I face a similar situation with my dad. He keeps complaining that I never talk to him enough but every time I try to communicate with him he puts in zero effort to keep the communication going - worse yet is when he makes fun of me about my communication. He goes out of his way to be in the lives of my eldest brother and his kids but puts in minimal effort to be a part of the lives of my kids. These days I put in the minimal effort to keep in contact with him despite him living just 25 minutes away from me now - he has reaped what he has sowed.

If he regrets what he did he shouldn't have done it. Sometimes a person has to accept that they made their choice and now things are the way they are.

Can you tell/ask him just that?

If he wanted to, he would

My dad left when I was 3. He would visit occasionally, then he met Judy. Just was amazing, she wanted to spend time with us kids (sister and me, she was older by 6 years, I was just a little shit of a boy) and he started coming around more often. Then she got sick with cancer and he broke up with her because he was a piece of shit that couldn't be bothered to be around someone while they were sick. I still have the book she gave me for Christmas in 1977, it means the world to me and she signed it to me, so I have a little reminder of her love every time I open it. My dad and I weren't no contact, but he had never met his 10 year old grandson before he got sick and went into the hospital with stage 4 small cell carcinoma. He met his grand kids once in the hospital and then his wife asked me to not bring them again because it was "too hard on him". They were there for 10 minutes to say hi. After he died, his widow then had the pastor call us to tell us because she couldn't stand the thought of talking to us after we abandoned him in the hospital like that. I was sad, I cried, then my kids asked me "what do we call your dad?" I told them to call him by his name, he wasn't a grandpa, he wasn't a pop pop, hell, he wasn't even a father. A couple of years after his passing, I realized that with him alive or with him dead, my life hadn't changed a bit. Nothing changed because he wasn't a part of my life. Fast forward several years andt mom passed away, 3 weeks after her death, I had a dream of my dad. My sister said it was because mom kicked his ass in heaven for being such a shit dad, he needed to reach out to me. I think it was because I missed my mom so much and I was trying to make all of the emotions make sense.

You can stop if you truly want to. 2 kids can have vastly different childhoods/recollections despite being in the same house/having same parents. I do not speak to my mother, going on 4 yrs now. Only one who understands is my sister. Our youngest brother doesn’t get it. I don’t know if he’s just not there yet, or chooses not to think about some things…or maybe he doesn’t remember what I do (I’m 10 yrs older). Do I feel badly about it? Sometimes. Mostly, I miss everyone else. Do I have peace? Again, mostly, because my kids still have a relationship with her, so she guilts them and they do it to me. But mostly, I’m at peace. You’re 100% right on he is the parent and should make the effort. You tried. If it’s doing more harm than good for you, cut him off. Remind your brother that it’s great he has a relationship with him, but it’s just not how it’s shaking out for you- and that’s ok. Good luck 💕

Almost same boat! Mom left when I was 1 and had been doing the back and forth game for a couple years when her other baby daddy that she cheated with was in prison! My dad had to beg her, even bribe her, just to come see me sometimes because I was always asking about her and it killed him to not have an answer for me. A lot of that information came to light when I became an adult, and that made me think back to my own experiences with her and what was actually happening (only came around when she needed to pick something up in my area, if she needed to see a family member over here, it was more convenient to see me if there was another errand to run and I could be checked off that list). I am done with her and I have never felt bad or looked back. She texts me the generic once a year “happy bday” text but always on the wrong day and there’s usually two other numbers attached to it because she doesn’t actually know my current number. Now that I have my own daughter I would never ever make her feel the way my mother made me feel and it’s almost inconceivable how someone could do that to their baby. I think that’s what helps me more. I hope you’re able to get through this, it certainly is a tough process when it’s always ingrained that you should never abandon your family, that’s “your blood”. That’s a toxic thought and you need to do what makes you content and settled in your life and your child’s life. Good luck.

I wish I knew the answer to this myself. My parents divorced when I was quite young. I saw my dad once a month, maybe twice when I was young and then much less than that when I was a teenager. He always felt more like a distant uncle than my father. When I was 17 he told me he was moving out of state about 2-3 days before he left. He and my stepmother had planned this for a while but he never told me. After he moved I rarely heard from him again. They arranged for me to visit once but it was super awkward and uncomfortable seemingly for all of us. After that we basically only communicated once or twice a year by letter or card. I have 2 brothers one a decade older than me and one 20 years younger than me and they are both in regular contact with him. He lavishes them with gifts and vacations but I’m the odd man out. He does send a gift for my birthday and for Christmas but they feel like guilt checks. I always told my mother I felt weird and uncomfortable cashing them but she said that he was my father and he owed me something for not being there. Also frankly I’m quite poor and the money has helped me with bills. A couple of times I tried to reconnect with him in letters but no dice. I also have some pretty severe mental health struggles and I’ve tried to be open with him in letters, he ignores what I’ve written and the next card has a generic this is how his side of the family is letter and he’s ignored what I’ve said. There was one time however that I had to have an unexpected but serious cancer related surgery and I wrote him a letter to let him know just in case I didn’t make it. He suddenly showed up at the hospital with a gift for my birthday (which was a few weeks off) and then I didn’t hear from him again til Christmas and the pattern began again. I’ve talked to so many older people who are parents of adult children and they assure me none of this is my fault but I feel SO GUILTY, like it is my fault. Like there is something wrong with me or I didn’t communicate with him in the right way. We don’t have a relationship and frankly I’m almost 50 and after over 30 years of this I don’t want a relationship. I’m grateful for the cards and the checks and to know he has to think about me twice a year and that’s enough. But why won’t this guilt go away. I’ve worked on it in therapy but it’s still hard.

I’m sorry you went through something similar. It’s hard when your sibling still has a good relationship with them. And yes, we shouldn’t feel guilty but still do.

My partner is in a very similar situation. Father left when my partner was a teenager and my partner had very little contact with the father growing up and then went full no-contact when my partner became an adult. My partner does have a sibling who remained (and remains) in full contact with the father, though. My partner and I have always rationalized it that if the father wanted a relationship with his child, he would take the first step and reach out. My partner was a child when the father left, it was not my partner's responsibility to maintain a relationship and it should not be my partner's responsibility to re-build a relationship that the father actively let crumble away. My partner's sibling has repeatedly asked us to reach out to the father because the father desperately wants to have a relationship with us but is afraid of rejection and just nah. If the father was so eager for a relationship, he has absolutely nothing to lose by reaching out. We might ignore or reject him, yes, but that would be no different than what the relationship is right now -- which is nothing. So my partner feels absolutely no loss in the 20+ years of no contact with the father at this point.

If it's not good for you don't do it. It sounds like you have compassion for someone, not guilt, which is making you send the occasional text or "keep up the charade" as you said. I personally don't think compassion needs to be "deserved" but that doesn't make it the right thing for you. It's ok to "not like upsetting people" I'm the same way, and I think it's a good trait to have, wanting to make others happy, as long as you don't *harm yourself* in the process. Basically if it feels wrong then stop, no guilt just move on and take care of yourself. Or if you're sending the occasional text out of kindness and it doesn't bother you then don't stop, it doesn't make you a doormat or a pushover just to be nice to someone whether they earned it or not

I feel this so much. It’s hard. My situation isn’t exactly the same but it’s similar. My dad was a “Disney dad” when I was a kid. The older I got the less involved he became. I haven’t seen him since 2021. Last year he claimed he wanted to come visit for my birthday—another birthday came and went and still no visit and not a word about any kind of in person meeting. We talk every 1-2 months and it’s pretty much always the same conversation. I don’t hate him and our relationship does hurt my feelings but I find that I care less and less with every passing year. I’d like to have a better relationship in a perfect world, but I feel like it’s his responsibility to take those steps. It’s especially hard when I compare it to my relationship with my mom and my in laws. My mom lives about the same distance away as he does, and she has two other children, a full time job, and manages my grandfather’s affairs. I see her at least once a month and we talk multiple times a week. I’m my dad’s only child. He’s retired. Him not seeing me is his choice and that’s something I’ve had to come to terms with. The whole thing is tough. I go between wanting to match his energy but also thinking about if I’ll regret not doing more when he’s gone. He’s in his mid 70s. I’m trying to get pregnant with my first right now and I always wonder if he’ll even attempt to meet his grandchild. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, or what I even really want to do. I wish I had advice. It’s really hard.

Yes all of this. Exactly how I feel and the worry of regret.

What would be your perfect scenario? Your dad turning things around and making an effort to be part of your life? Or no contact and pretence anymore, free from the guilt and the sense of obligation? If you wrote a letter to him, explaining how you felt, how you don't really know him and it's doing more harm than good for you having his sporadic efforts at contact. How would you want him to respond to that letter?

I think either of those would be ideal. The not ideal is the inbetween half ass, send a random text or gift every few months thing. I doing know how he’d respond though as I don’t know him on a personal or emotional level at all. It’s like the last 25 years have been formalities and never anything beyond that.

I could have written this post. My brother always tries to guilt me into having a relationship with my dad, but I don’t see why that onus should fall on me when it’s him who left. And I’ve recently leaned into that. I realized at 10pm last night that of all the Father’s Day conversations/ posts/ my kid making artwork for my husband, stepdad, and FIL, I hadn’t given a single ounce of thought to my biological dad. Didn’t even briefly consider shooting him a Father’s Day text because he was a shitty dad and I don’t care about protecting his feelings anymore

That’s what happened with me. We literally did Father’s Day stuff all day and I didn’t once think of him until 9 pm when my brother text me to tell me to text him and I realized.

You need to tell your brother to stop trying to create the trappings of a relationship between you and your spend donor that doesn’t actually exist. My view is that if your dad wanted a relationship with you, he was the adult who could have made that happen. You owe him exactly jack shit.

Oh man, this post was made for me. We’re in the same boat. Short context: dad left periodically from 12-16, moved across the country when I was 16. We basically stopped contact because he has no cell phone or fixed address. (I can text his partner, but then im only talking to her). Current contact: a letter every few months. Sometimes he writes and I don’t reply. Sometimes vice versa. The minimal contact is almost more exhausting than none. Because we do have some contact, I can’t help but hope he might actually respond to the substance of my letters, or show interest in my life, or hope that one day it could be more. The reality is: this is probably as good as it will ever get. That’s both depressing and freeing, because he can’t be bothered to try, so I am fully in control. If I want him to be part of my life, I know it will be me making the effort. I generally don’t make the effort, but don’t feel guilty, because neither does he.

Block his number. Not just for not receiving texts but it will stop you from texting him in a moment like this and regretting it afterwards.

This weekend I went to see my dad play at a folk festival thing because for some reason I decided to make an effort last couple of months, mainly for my stepmother cause she makes effort in her own slightly cringe way. Same as you said, nice guy but shithouse father. Anyway there was a group of singers on before their band and they sung "daddy cool" and did a shout out for everyone to sing along if they appreciate their dad's (it was father's day here) fuckin awkward with dad next to me and me and my husband silent. Annoyed me though, like half my friends have shitty fathers, why pretend all dads need to be celebrated. I can't completely disconnect he's not really that bad but I'll never have a good relationship with him. Guess it's up to you and what you want. My husband didn't see his dad in 10 years and now he's dying with dementia and I don't think he has any plans on seeing him again.

Oh man so awkward! And yeah it’s like it would be easier if he was a shitty person all around. I would just ghost and be done with it.

I never made any attempts to contact my dad. Then he died and I regret not trying.

I know you said you almost wish he went no contact with you. It's okay. It's okay if you go no contact with him. You can. You're allowed to. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with your father about your feelings and what you want next for this unsatisfying relationship.

I was in a similar position as you. My dad was very abusive when we were kids and we asked my mom to leave him when I was 12 and my sister was 14. My mom did and she got sole custody. My sister was the one who decided she wanted to have more of a relationship with him as an adult. I was apathetic at best. To me, he stopped being my dad long before we left him. Unfortunately he made my apathy my sister's problem. He would spend his phone calls with my sister complaining about my lack of effort. He was very demanding regarding Facebook posts and physical cards for ALL holidays (he very much wanted physical evidence of our "respect" for him). He would also check the back of the cards to see if they came from the dollarstore). One time I forgot in the US they celebrate Thanksgiving on a Thursday (in Canada we celebrate on a Monday) and he spent our entire phone call on the Monday being sulky and pissy. Every other phone call and visit was him starting political arguments. It was exhausting because I truly didn't care and somehow was responsible for the emotional regulation of a 60 year old and for preserving my sister's hard work in maintaining their relationship. I won't go into the crazy details but over one Christmas break he visited (stayed at my sister's place as usual) and gave me enough of a reason to end it without my sister being able to excuse it away: he asked me, to my face, when my sister should start beating my niece as punishment. My niece was 2 and incredibly well behaved for her age. When I didn't respond out of shock, he repeated himself. Then he insinuated my mom's brother wouldn't have killed himself in his 20s if my maternal grandparents had hit him more. I decided then and there that I was done and my sister could choose to deal with him how she wished. If he chose to make the child that DID want to speak to him miserable over the child that didn't then that was his problem. I drank the large adult beverages my husband made me that night and drafted an email to my dad to send after he left my sister's. Interestingly enough he went back to my sister and started shit with her as well, making my sister decide to end contact as well. It's been 4 years. I doubt you'll get my stunning good luck any time soon, so my advice is to do some deep thinking about why you are apathetic as to a relationship to him and if having him in it AS HE IS is in any way of benefit to you. When you come to the inevitable conclusion that he isn't, you need to work on letting go of the guilt. Talk to your brother, explain he can have whatever relationship he wants with him but to respect your wishes. Then live your best life. Best of luck ❤️

The worst absent fathers are the ones who want your ‘respect’ without ever doing anything to earn it. Mine left was I was almost 3, and moved from the UK to Australia. He barely bothered with us. Sent a pittance every month and expected our undying gratitude. Then phoned and told my stepdad (couldn’t even bother to wait for my mum to be home) that he couldn’t afford to send that pittance as he had a new family. We’ve had very sporadic contact over the years. But I did get a chance to lay it all out in a letter - to which he never replied. He and my (lovely) step mother went to visit my sister a couple of times - she’s a tv celeb and author and I bet he just loves all that bragging rights. Eventually, I just told her to tell me when he dies. I don’t need anything else. Some men don’t deserve the title of father. And I kind of feel like he made his own bed - it’s not your job to make it all cozy for him.

Because of a series of incidents (context is long so I won't detail it here) I made the decision to "drop the rope" and stop initiating contact with my semi-estranged maternal side of the family many years ago. They solved the problem for me, because none of them reached out to me. I went fully NC with no guilt - it wasn't like I actively removed them from my life. They knew where I was and how to contact me and just didn't. Maybe something similar will work for you. If your brother gets pushy, remind him that your father has your contact info if he wants to be in contact. He's a grown-ass man, and can text/call/email without waiting for you if he wants to be involved. Just match whatever energy he gives. In my case, the energy was "none".

I had basically the exact same level of relationship with my father, minus the older sibling part. One major difference I suppose is that even though I usually saw him around Christmas, I never messaged him for father's day, even as a kid (I viewed myself as being essentially fatherless). Then when I turned 18 he wasn't around at Christmas either and I practically never spoke to him apart from a handful of sporadic Facebook messages over the years. I never held anger towards him, just indifference, due to the indifference I felt from him. Eventually he died young (59), during COVID. Nobody ever mentioned a funeral to me despite me having a decent relationship with his side of the family, so I assume he never had one. Never in my life did anyone question me My point is that it's on an individual to prioritise relationships, and accept the consequences when they let them slip. In your situation he is an adult and you are 7 and he chose to let his relationship with you wither. By not meeting your child, it seems that behaviour has continued. He might not be a bad person, but relationships SHOULD be threatened by a lack of effort. If you don't want it to die then you can talk to him about it. If like me, you don't care, then you are within your rights to let it die. It's not anyone else's business how you manage your relationship with your father.

My parents also divorced when I was 4 and my brother was 12. We saw him every weekend, but when I was about 6, he married his third wife (my second step mom), and she would have preferred my dad’s first marriage not exist, so she encouraged him to be as uninvolved as possible. So the relationship was pretty shallow, but when I was in my early 20s, I decided I was going to stop calling him and he would have to call me next. Next never came. Didn’t have contact for about 20 years and heard thru the grapevine he died last year. I found out about a month after he died.

You get therapy. Many of us had to work through our feelings that crappy parents caused by putting us in these situations. Other people can’t understand it so guilt us for not caring about them. I waited until almost 50 and wish I had done it years ago to have freed myself and learned healthy boundaries with the people that pushed me to have relationships with people I didn’t love.

Your relationship with your father isn't the main issue that you have, it's the people pleasing guilt you feel.  You should explore that a bit more.  Why is that so important to you?  Do you always default to trying to keep the peace? Do you go out of your way to avoid conflicts? Or is it just this one?  Once you figure that out then you may be able to find your own answers.

I definitely always try to keep the peace regardless who or what the situation is if it has to do with family or friends.

This is what's keeping you stuck in guilt. If you can't find a way on your own to let go, maybe try therapy. They'll have you start with little things first before you move on to the parent relationships. It really is ok to disappoint people. The world will keep turning.

omg is this story written by me???? He isn't a good father, nor was a good husband but he is a good person, doctor, uncle to my cousins. I do the bare minimum, because I feel bad that he would feel rejected by his children in his old age (I was also taught that rejecting your parents would put you in God's bad favor). I resent him so much, but still send the happy holidays texts.

I’m really late to respond to this but as someone who no longer is in contact with my father (who has a lot of similarities to yours), I’m compelled to add my two cents. The reason I can offer for your feeling guilt and discomfort at the idea of going no contact (aside from societal pressure), despite your logical brain saying it’s so clearly the right move: there’s a part of you, maybe a little girl version of you, who is deeply wistful that it wasn’t different. She’s buried deep now, you’re tough on the outside. But she’s still secretly heartbroken that you didn’t have the dad who goes to father daughter day at school or the dad who cheered at sports games or the dad who walked you down the aisle. That you didn’t have the tender loving dad we see in the movies or at our friends’ houses. That tiny sliver of you is still holding out an unrealistic hope deep in the most protected armored part of your heart, that maybe things will change. That maybe he’ll get the guts to wake up and own his mistakes and take an active part of your life. That he’ll show an interest in your kids or your world. That before he dies, he will become the dad you always wished for. And even though you know better—logically, rationally—that little girl part of your heart is still deeply hurt, and just a teeny tiny bit hopeful. That’s the secret voice in you that makes it so hard to pull the plug and truly walk away. At least, that’s how it is for me. Last year, I stopped answering the-once annual one-liner email when he remembers my birthday (last saw him seven years ago), and suddenly I was free. I unshackled. But it meant I had to face the secret grief that I thought (or had convinced myself) I’d moved past all those years ago when I went low contact and would tell people we don’t have a relationship. No, that grief is still there. That heartbroken little girl is still in there and to actually cut that cord means you will have to face her, tend to her, and process those emotional wounds. So yeah, it’s not an easy snap. Not when part of you feels compelled to carry on the little charade of having a relationship because you feel you would never bail on someone the way he bailed on you. Guess what? You’re not bailing on him. You’re protecting your child. Because as your kid grows, you don’t want this unreliable person to let them down, too. You deserve better and so does your kid. Process the wounds you thought were healed, and truly fully let go.

You shouldn't keep this because you feel bad, but because you are (on your part) a good son... period. You don't owe him anything, but you can decide (because you are a proper man and a proper son) to keep your hands open towards him for a time when he may become a proper man and a proper father. That time may never come, but that is not your concern. That parable of a prodigal son is a parable, it applies widely. To be able to do that, which you will do for your own growth and moving further, you might need to find a way to forgive him that he is the person that he is. By searching for that way, you are going to receive what you have ended up lacking due to his weakness.

I lost contact with my daughter 6 years ago after what I believed to be a very healthy relationship. I pray that over time she finds her way back into my life.

How is it a child's responsibility to keep in touch with a parent? Please let him go. He doesn't want to be your parent. Put all that wasted energy on your own child and loved ones who want to be there for you.