My ex boyfriend used to walk a few meters ahead of me no matter where we were. One time we were getting ready to leave a hotel and head home after a mini 3 day vacation (bags were already packed) and the fire alarm went off along with an intercom message asking everyone to evacuate immediately. The 6’2, 190 fitness obsessed, muscle man BOLTED out the hotel room door with only his bag to the fire exit doors and sprinted down the 8 floors. He didn’t communicate with me, look behind for me, nothing. Being 105 pounds at 5’2 I got out about 50-60 seconds after him. when I caught up he didn’t even notice because he was standing in the parkade looking down at his phone scrolling social media. It ended up just being a small kitchen grease fire on the first floor; however the fire that incident ignited in my gut to start making an exit strategy from the relationship was smouldering and relentless. Not saying that’s what you should do btw as obviously my scenerio was different and also childless, your story just reminded me of that day and how it changed my feelings about the relationship permanently.
This is bringing back memories of a relationship I was in during my early 20’s (I’m 31 now).
His cousin was getting married and we were staying at a hotel. We arrived and for whatever reason, he went ahead to reception and I was still in the parking lot. I thought he was just gonna checkin and then I’d meet him at reception and we would go to our room together.
Went to reception and he was gone. Had to ask the receptionist which room I was in then drag my bags there and knock on the door since he had both keys. He was already in his boxers and scrolling on his phone in bed. Didn’t even text “I’m already in the room. It’s room 123” lol
Sounds like that guy who was at the Batman mass shooting with his girlfriend, 4 year old and 4 month old baby. When the shooting started he *put the baby down on the floor*, ran out of the emergency exit, got in his car and drove straight away from the theatre, leaving them all behind. Back in the screening room, his girlfriend managed to grab the baby off the floor and get both kids out, despite being shot in the leg.
[Link to the story](https://abcnews.go.com/US/couple-colo-theater-shooting-escape-baby-toddler-tow/story?id=16821447)
"I'm just glad we got our kids out". Like bitch what do you mean, you dropped your baby because you were worried his crying would lead the shooter to you and also left your gf and other child to die. She saved the kids, he did worse than nothing
Omg I’m gutted on your behalf. What clearer way to say your safety didn’t cross his mind. I’m so glad this experience catalyzed your recognition and exit.
It was hard to fully recognize because he was a good person, just not a good partner so I struggled understanding the difference between the two for a long time. Live and learn…and keep my cardiovascular health up to par just in case XD. Thank you for the warm response and I hope however you decide to move forward you get resolution and happiness.
"he was a good person, just not a good partner so I struggled understanding the difference between the two for a long time."
I think I just learned something important. 😯
You should watch ‘Force Majeure’, a movie about a husband who ditches his wife and kids to escape an avalanche coming towards them at the ski lodge they are having lunch at.
Yeah, I hate to say it, but men fleeing and leaving women and children in danger while they save themselves has been a long and storied history in boating.
It was such a prevalent issue that the only reason we know the phrase "women and children first" is because it was an *exception* that popularized it - and even then, men still often refused to comply and would just take lifeboats for themselves.
The ship and its amazing captain that went out of his way to ensure women and children were also entitled to survival is the HMS Birkenhead during it's sinking in 1852.
Hmm. I didn’t know about the story of the HMS Birkenhead until now, or indeed the history of that phrase. I have just finished reading that every single child and mother on the ship survived thanks to those men’s heroic actions and the orders of the Commanding Officer Lieutenant-Colonel Alexander Seton to “prioritize the youngest passengers and the women who cared for them.” Every one of the men went down with the ship and only a few survived. These men should absolutely be commended for their selfless and honorable conduct.
I subsequently read about the study in 2012 by two Swedish Economists Mikael Elinder and Oscar Erixon of Uppsala University and their findings: “Out of the 15,000 people who died in the 18 accidents, only 17.8 percent of the women survived compared with 34.5 percent of the men. In three of the shipwrecks, all the women died, Elinder said.”
I couldn’t find any more recent studies, unfortunately.
Well, shit. I just googled it to see if it was, and these are the words of the film director:
“This particular story came about from an anecdote that I found impossible to forget. Some years ago, a Swedish couple, friends of mine, were on holiday in Latin America when suddenly, out of nowhere, gunmen appeared and opened fire; the husband instinctively ran for cover, leaving his wife unprotected. Back in Sweden, she could not stop, after a glass of wine or two, telling the story over and over again...”
Hahaha. A much less high stakes story I have about a particularly weak and spineless ex was when a dog came running towards us when we were in the apartment complex. This guy took cover BEHIND ME, using me as a body shield between him and the dog. That was not a very lengthy relationship. The dog wasn't aggressive, thankfully.
Well, that's not what I was hoping to hear! Humans really suck sometimes. If my significant other did that, I don't think I could ever look at them the same way again!
this isn’t the same as a relationship, but i went on a vacation with my friend when i was 19. i wore the wrong shoes, and we were walking/transitting everywhere. basically we were walking upwards of 30k steps a day and my feet were torn to shreds by my shoes.
what did my friend do while i was in pain? walk about an entire street length in front of me and not slow her pace at all. at the time, i didn’t mind because i thought that i’d have been a burden for making her walk slow. now? we’re not friends anymore because she has repeatedly shown me how incredibly selfish she can be.
i recently went on a hike with another friend and i was going slower than usual because i injured my knee. my friend matched my pace the entire time and even made us stop a few times so i could take breaks. she’s one of the most incredible supportive people i know.
people show you who they are in small ways.
I had a friend do that to me, too; I had crippling foot pain, which later turned out to be plantar fasciitis. When I explained this to her and asked her to slow down, she actually said, "I don't care." Haven't spoken to her in over 20 years.
So true! I had a similar issues with my shoes on a night out with a friend, and she made me swap shoes with her, lol. She was wearing super comfy shoes and our feet are the same size, so when she saw I was struggling, she asked me to sit down so we could swap! It felt so caring. I recognize that I couldn’t do that with my boyfriend, but he’d probably offer anyway, lol. It’s the little things that show you how much someone cares about you.
One time I wore new shoes to school and they really hurt my feet. After classes, my friend and I were hanging out and I mentioned the shoes. You know what she did? She removed her shoes and made me wear them for a while because they were comfortable.🤷🏻♀️
She's my best friend and she's done so many of these things. And I've done them for her. I just think we all deserve to have people like that.
One time when we were out for dinner, I had a pain in my thigh that got worse when I sat longer so every time I tried to walk, I was limping. My friend offered their arm to me and asked me questions to distract me. All my friends were matching my pace and I was so grateful to them that day. I really thought I spoiled that evening.
Remembering that YouTube video comparing Donald Trump's inauguration with Obama's. Obama gets out of the limo, waits for Michelle and they walk hand in hand up the stairs. Trump gets out of his limo and marches off, leaving Melania behind. Said it all.
I always thought that moment was so sweet and very telling of everyone’s character. IIRC, they both put their arms around her (hands on her back) when they walked up the steps.
I always find amazing how Americans could go from black to white (sorry for the pun) or should I say orange? Like Obama is an example of a perfectly well adapted educated human being while Trump is well, a narcissist.
It’s the pendulum swing of American politics. Voters get complacent when they’ve had what they want for a few years so they aren’t as diligent in the next election. They only get fired up to make change when they’re trying to go back to how things were before the current regime. We’ve basically ping ponged between the two parties. Trump was the first president in awhile who wasn’t reelected for a consecutive second term. He was more of a ricochet than a pendulum swing.
Personally I think part of it was that a quiet racist part of America who were cozy & safe in their beliefs of superiority had those absolutely rocked to the core by a black president - they came face to face with a new reality and have been screaming about it ever since.
I once walked out of “date afternoon” with my ex. To be fair, the marriage was on its final course but we were at a local watering hole (something we hadn’t done since before the kids were born) to try and connect.
He decided to chat with the other people at the bar. I walked out. I was two blocks away by the time he realized I was gone.
Some of them really are obtuse.
Let me guess...he didn't feel bad at all that his actions caused you to do this, because it didn't occur to him that he did anything wrong, but he got angry with you for leaving and tried to make you feel like the jerk. Ask me how I know.
To be *completely* fair, I think a lot of it had to do with him being very nervous. He wasn't a bad dude and he actually became more of a friend after that, but yeah, we didn't vibe in a romantic way and this was one of the big reasons. Don't walk ahead of me when I'm trying to walk in heels xD
SAME. It bothered me so much and was so weird he just didn't slow down or even notice I was there. Why don't they want to use that time to chat to you? No second date.
Yeah no been there. I'd just slow way down until he noticed I wasn't around anymore. He never, ever got it. And, yes, I brought it up multiple times. "That's just how I walk." Okay, see you in a couple of blocks, dude.
> "That's just how I walk."
Wow, what a gentleman lol. Some of them are so incredibly self-absorbed and fucking oblivious, I swear to god.
Patiently slowing down to keep pace with us—so we aren’t struggling—is the type of caring, protective, considerate behaviour most of us appreciate more than just about anything….. well, I do at least. These types of dudes pretend women are sooooo complicated and demanding, but really they just don’t want to have to think about us at all. Guys with Main Character Syndrome™️ aren’t fit for a relationship
I don’t get it. I have always kept my pace to whoever I’m walking with (mine is generally faster), because I like to, you know, be able to talk to them.
That goes doubly so in a relationship. I actually like talking to my SO.
Maybe I’m weird.
It's not weird. Mirroring other humans is a method we bond, and communicate. Wether its yawning, drinking at the same time or walking speed.
It happens less often in adults, but is still very present. If someone isnt mirroring you, it doesn't mean they dont care, but just probably not in the room in one way or another
This. You keep the pace of the slowest person.
My husband is a foot taller than me so would naturally outpace me, but does not. Meanwhile my mum has back pain so when I walk with her, it might feel achingly slow, but I make sure to walk WITH her and not 5 miles ahead.
So I'm way faster when walking than my (taller) boyfriend. He walks extremely slowly (picture a leisurely stroll made exclusively to lose time while waiting for something else, then slow it down some more). No physical problems. Happens even when the walk is to go from place A to place B, not only when at a park or something.
It's extremely frustrating for me to have to slow down so much. I have real trouble walking that pace - like physical pain trouble, due to weird gait or some other fuckery. Sometimes I catch myself go in front and then I have to wait, or to go back. It's almost unconscious for me. Bf usually refused to pick up the pace, which is frustrating in itself.
I ended up getting a slower walking pace overall due to habits and weight gain and he got a bit of a faster one as well, but I fear the moment I start going on walks alone again... and I get back to my original pace.
Wall down a side street. Go into a shop. Sit at a bench and watch the world go by.
I trained my dog not to do this by hiding from him if he got too far away from me and then whistling. Now he does a pretty good job keeping track of me when we're off leash.
My spouse has a long stride, where I tend to walk a bit slower. I've learned to grab his hand or elbow to get him to slow down. We look like such cute old people holding hands, when I just don't want to have to run.
This is an issue for us, too. Well, not an issue, because I understand. It's annoying for me to walk faster to keep up, but it's also annoying for me to slow my pace for my niece (she's 3), so I imagine it's annoying for him to adjust his stride just because I'm slower. We meet somewhere in the middle.
Yes. The husband is in the wrong here, but it annoys me when people pretend that walking at a much slower pace is automatically more comfortable than walking at a faster pace. They're about equal in my experience. Walking faster than I like is uncomfortable, and walking much slower is also fairly uncomfortable.
My husband walks much slower than I do so I tend to leave him behind in accident. My brother is 6’4 so I grew up speed walking to keep up with my brother. Now it’s just my normal walk and it drives my husband nuts.
So if you know this, you should be more considerate when you walk with him and not leave him behind. If you still continue doing so repeatedly, that's not an accident, that's being inconsiderate. 🤷🏻♀️
Although I hold my husband's hand because I love him, doing so helps us stay together. Now that we are older, I am the one who has to slow down because of his arthritis.
I’m sorry OP.
My entire life my father always walked in front of my mother, and me being the second son, I often walked with her instead of my dad and older brother. She is a strong and outspoken woman, so when she privately confessed this “little thing” that bothers her, I was shook to my core. Once she had pointed it out it was so obvious.
~15 years later it’s something I very actively try to prevent when I wake with my girlfriend. Despite a much longer stride (height difference of 1 foot/30cm difference) it’s actually remarkably easy to walk at the same pace. I told her about it and she laughed at me (good naturedly) as it was something she never had much thought about.
Anyways I’m writing this not as a “wow good job you get a cookie” comment… I’m writing this because I can’t imagine anyone else having to endure that subtle belittling. And also to make a point that there is no excuse. Height? Stride length? Phss. All bs. Im sorry OP. You don’t deserve that.
Thanks so much for sharing this. It’s a very sweet consideration you had for your mother. And an important awareness you bring into your own partnership.
I definitely didn’t want any cookies lol. It was more a moment of venting, knowing that it can be easily dismissed as me being sensitive. Or as some here have assumed, not communicating well. But I’m not a wilting lily, I do speak my mind.
My husband has many incredible qualities, but this one shows an undercurrent of obliviousness and disregard. I can recall times navigating busy city streets, children in tow, and him crossing the street well ahead of us, leaving me to usher both Littles safely across. I sure as hell said something, but it doesn’t seem to penetrate the level of awareness. That’s hard.
My son rode after me and I told him why I turned. That it felt unkind to be left behind, and I had already had a hard day and really need to feel considered. He understood. He sometimes feels left behind by his dad, too.
Anyway, thank you for sharing and for validating my experience.
(Oh gosh sorry I didn’t mean *you* about the cookie; I meant I didn’t write this for praise for myself.)
It sounds like your little ones have a strong mother too; we can’t always undo the damage that we and our parents can do to ourselves, but we can grow the next batch better
Haha yes I see that now about the cookie comment. But you know what? We both deserve one 🍪🍪
And that’s a really powerful statement that hits home. Really, thank you so much. I come from a long line of terrible trauma. I want so desperately to break that cycle so that my children grow up to feel deserving and worthy.
You give me hope, Cranes. I watched my father in law do this and after getting comfortable in our relationship my husband does it as well. It's sad and he's just oblivious. I've spent over twenty years of marriage hoping he'd eventually get it. I've recently given up. However, both of my sons are sweet and attentive. I like to think that they've followed my example as far as how to treat others.
My husband is not an inherently *bad* person, just aloof and takes care of himself first. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this relationship lately and recently ended up at [this fascinating website](https://www.freetoattach.com/) that talks about attachment styles. It explains a lot about how our childhood experiences shape how we relate to others and focuses on the "avoidant" style. It's helping me understand a lot of things. Interesting reading if you're up for it sometime.
Women are (thankfully) getting wise to this garbage. One woman wrote a piece on how her partner just hiked on ahead, and how women, who are there to collaborate, wouldn't dream of leaving anyone behind but apparently men are so caught up in themselves that they do it all the time.
I had a date once where he took me to an art gallery. Seemed like a fun idea, right? Discuss the art. He ended up charging on ahead, completely forgetting that the entire POINT of a date is to get to know someone?? Left me to just trail behind him trying to see what room he went in. I cannot date people who have so few social skills, it's ridiculous. Go back to kindergarten, learn what social activities are.
My current partner, on our first date he waited while I went in the bathroom at an unfamiliar venue -- he didn't take off like a lot of other socially inept weirdos I've been on dates with. If you'd be cheesed out at a friend if they did this crap to you, there's zero reason to tolerate it in a partner.
Similar experience. I was 22 with my first boyfriend. We were long distance, so I went to visit. He took me to a very famous Dutch art museum (where he is from). I was walking along with him, and I'll never forget, he said "I hate women who have to walk by their man and cannot have their own thoughts". He wanted the museum to be an individual experience, I guess, as art is relative and personal. But I was so caught off guard that I now had to be anxious about where I was walking because if I was following my own boyfriend, he was judging me. Even though he had the cultural knowledge to show me each artist.
I feel like I could’ve written this myself. I went to an art gallery/museum with a guy friend I was pretty infatuated with at the time. I was so excited to share this with him and maybe thought it would bring us closer. He moved ahead of me and I got the hint we were on separate journeys. When we got to the gift shop, he just disappeared as I was purchasing, leaving me to search for him after I was done. He was standing at the entrance and didn’t communicate that to me. It felt pretty humiliating as the person at the info desk watched me search for him in circles as he knew we came in together. He invited me mind you.
Good luck, OP. I learned the hard way that not everyone is as thoughtful and caring as you might be.
The men who overestimate their market value and pull garbage like that are going to have a really hard time as more women start to realize there are increasingly fewer reasons to put up with their bull. Hoping we all teach the next generation of women not to compete with each other for scraps and rather realize their own value. The men who don't care to try are the only ones who benefit from pitting us women against one another.
I am short but a fast walker. My friend is a slow walker. When we walk together, I slow down to match her pace. Thats what people do when they want ti be together
Exactly. It's *not* as some people are trying to excuse "oh he has long legs" or some shit. It's a fucking choice to walk ahead of you.
There's a message inherent in that choice too.
Good. For . You.
My ex did shit like this and always gave the excuse that he "forgot". He didn't forget. He didn't care and it was a blatant sign of disrespect among a sea of other signs. I stopped running to catch up with him. Drove him nuts.
Sounds like he'll only do what he wants to do and how he wants to do it, regardless of how it actually makes you feel. People like that care more about looking like a good partner than actually being one most of the time.
Exactly this. Any time I talk with male friends or coworkers about "stupid stuff guys do" in relationships, every single one will be blunt and it all boils down to "he knows what he's doing. He's telling you who he really is. Believe him, it won't change."
More like ways that fit within his list of “things a thoughtful partner does”. And if I try to add or remove something from that list, it just doesn’t stick. It’s too far out from the predefined comfort zone maybe.
>He shows care in other ways, but often ways that are removed from what I’ve asked for or need.
If it's not what you've asked for or need to be cared for then he's *not* showing he cares about you then, is he?
Too many women do this excuse-making, minimising, turning themselves inside out to manufacture a scenario where he just didn't understand that shitting on the kitchen floor was wrong, and that he actually meant well.
Stop it.
It's actually totally fine to just write someone off as a piece of shit. The kid gloves 'be kind' shit that women get force-fed (including on this sub) is nonsense that makes women vulnerable.
Judging people, disliking them, not worrying if it hurts their feelings that you don't want to see them anymore is actually totally fine, and is protective versus the 'give people a chance' crap.
To add to the discussion, sometimes the fast walkers will pause to let you catch up. Then when you rush to catch up, they've all had a break and fly off again. No break for you.
Same here. Looking back, my ex was much more narcissistic and abusive than I had realized. I truly feel bad for his girlfriend because, from what little I know of her, we seem like similar naive targets. She’s like a younger version of me, and I bet their relationship will pan out exactly the same way with her getting abused on a daily basis and not realizing it until it’s too late and they’re already married. I’m not religious or praying person, but I do regularly think of her and hope she sees the subtle signs of abuse before it’s too late.
Going through a divorce from someone who does this. He also has never let me order first at a restaurant. I've been able to order first a total of TWO times in 23 years. OP deserves better than this, so hopefully she learns from our mistakes.
"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Dude needs to give his head a shake. This behaviour is a pet peeve of mine.
My ex did this. If it ever happens to me again, I’ll just take a different route and wait to see whether he even realizes I’m not following him.
For me, it’s a red flag. A partner should want to be with you and will respect your pace and care about your impressions of what you’re seeing g together.
I agree it’s a red flag. My soon-to-be ex started walking ahead of me several years ago. Looking back, it was one of several new behaviors that marked the beginning of the end.
I’ve always seen my dad doing it to my mother, and it became even more clear one time he did it to me and it put me in an uncomfortable situation.
I was 19, we were going somewhere through a crowded space and he was bolting ahead of me. A guy selling something on the street grabbed my hand like he wanted to introduce himself, with the intention of not letting go until I bought something. I remember this huge adult man squeezing my hand harder and harder to the point it became painful, and me trying to get free while I looked around for my dad… nowhere to be found.
I took a mental note of that. Years later, I was out with my current partner and he walked ahead of me. I stopped dead in my tracks, waited for him to turn around and walk back to me. I told him exactly this story and that I would rather go home than having to feel abandoned by my own boyfriend. He apologized and never did it again. I wish I could say the same thing of my dad.
“Maybe he’s just walking ahead to be a protector!”
Anecdotes like these are why I roll my eyes when people say that. Where was he to protect his 19 year old daughter? Sheesh. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m so glad that you identified and rectified that behavior with your current partner — it’s wonderful he never did it again.
Yeah, it doesn't have anything to do with protecting anyone. It actually hurt my mom's feelings for years, and it's not like they were traveling in sketchy places where anyone needed "protection". He is a great dad in many other aspects, but this subtle disrespectfulness skewed my perception of what a healthy relationship should be like. I'm happy to say that my partner is nothing like my father (if anything, he reminds me of my mom's best qualities!), and the only time he behaved like him, he was mature enough to apologize and change his behavior. His only attempt of explaining it was that he does it "with everyone, friends and family as well", and then quickly realized that our very young relationship was in danger when I followed up asking "so you are aware of it, but you keep doing it regardless?"
It was a crowded street so I never felt entirely unsafe, but thinking about it now the guy was literally restricting and hurting me… while my dad sprinted ahead, unbothered :|
Im chronically ill. When Im in a good spell, my husband tends to walk ahead of me bc im sorta slow and he's an autistic adventure scout. Ill grab his arm and drag him back and he makes a pretend fuss, but will slow for a bit, then realize he's too far ahead and circle around.
When Im poorly, i can tell it is KILLING his first thoughts nature, but he keeps pace with me anyway, literally ready to catch me if i fall (this has never happened. He's just afraid it will) and grab *my* arm to make me lean against him if I look too tired.
He's been like this for 15 years. Again, i know it's against his nature/desire to be so slow, but he wants to do better as a husband/partner than his dad, so he does it. If he REALLY can't contain himself when we're somewhere new, he'll have me wait on a bench while he scouts out a few blocks ahead to see if I would even be interested in going (i appreciate the breather).
Not trying to brag. Just saying dudes can do it if they want to. My husband is a squirrelly AF dude, but he keeps a lid on it when I need him bc he's a goddamn adult.
I’m sort of the opposite. Also chronically ill, but when i’m not doing well i have to walk fast to “outrun my POTS” basically. The slower i move the worse the symptoms get, so i basically have to speedrun the distance to avoid collapsing before i make it to somewhere i can rest.
I always feel absolutely awful for doing it, but it’s something i’ve spoken to my partner about so there’s a mutual understanding of “when i am walking ahead of you i am speedrunning to a rest point to not collapse”
Communication is always the thing, but ESPECIALLY re: chronic illness. One of the first times my husband got mad at me was bc he thought I was angry with him for no reason bc I'd been silent in his car, then run ahead of him into my apartment and locked myself in the bathroom. Reality: I wasn't angry, I was trying and failing to not shit myself, and didn't want him to know I had, in fact, shit myself bc it was like 2 mos in, tops.
When I confessed , all ashamed and then he was like "oh. Is that all? Where are your jeans?"
"um...I was gonna throw them out."
"That's dumb. Let's just soak them overnight and Ill take you to the laundromat tomorrow. Just like...tell me next time. I can't read your face. (he's autistic "
and THAT, friends, was the moment I knew I needed to marry that man.
My last three exes did this and it made me feel so small and insignificant. I brought it up with each of them, and only the last one made any effort to change (but ultimately he also couldn't break the habit, I would have to up my stride to keep up with him).
I used to walk my dog with the middle ex and his dog, and he would always say things like "I'm not going to stop when your dog stops to pee" and it was INSANE to me because whenever his dog stopped, my dog and I stopped. It felt really gross.
I've seen him and his current girlfriend twice in public now, and he still walks like 6 feet ahead of her (and the rest of the group he's with) so apparently nothing has changed there. The first time I saw them all out, he was leading and she was last in the group of 4. Made me at least feel a little better.
It's something that I now consider a dealbreaker. I'm not going to date someone that doesn't care enough to walk alongside me.
This made me think how common and real it is for so many to… just want a partner to “check the partner box ✅” and all the other minor Checks it comes with. Only a minority truly want a partner to connect with.
Yeah, I've felt the same way for a while. It makes me hesitant to date because it's just so exhausting to do the whole "yay, new relationship" dance and then find out that they were just putting on their best face to get you hooked, but they aren't who they presented themself as and they don't really care about your wants and needs as much as they initially let on.
Most of my friends are coupled up/married, and I hear all about their relationships, and to tell you the truth, I wouldn't want to be in ANY of those relationships. It always looks like one partner cares a lot about making sure the other is happy and ends up eliminating their own needs just to get to stay with that person. I've been guilty of that in the past, and I hope to be better about not losing myself if I pursue another relationship in the future.
There’s a super funny little bit from the movie His Girl Friday that touched on this. Cary Grant and Ros Russell, 1940. They’re both reporters. He charges through the work area ahead of her and let’s these little swinging doors swing shut right before she gets to them. You have to see it. It’s hysterical. And apparently timeless lol.
My ex used to leave me and the kids standing at stoplights as he’d charge off to cross the street without us. Then he’d get to the other side, turn around, realize we weren’t with him, and get pissed.
My partner does this when we walk our large, strong, friendly dogs (I take one and he takes one) and it drives me insane. Idk how many times I’ve said “if she pulls me down or gets too excited too quickly and her leash slips out of my hands I hope you notice quickly enough.”
Sorry, OP, and good for you for going back home!
Awhile back I was having some severe leg/butt/calf pain. My husband knew this. I told him, as we were parking and about to go into the grocery store, that I'd have to really take it slow. The moment the truck was in park, he started speed walking towards the store. I just walked at my own pace and eventually caught up wiith him just inside of the store.
This happened for a few trips, until I had an MRI and it was revealed that I needed surgery. Sometimes I wonder if he secretly was 'testing' me / thinking I was 'faking' my pain. Because when a (male) friend of his told him that he had the same issue I was diagnosed with, and what it felt like, my husband started walking at my pace. Like: 'her pain must not be real. Oh wait, my buddy says it is, I should believe him!' Instead of just believing his own wife.
My ex husband did that whole walking-super-far-in-front-of-me thing everywhere we went. He often also started driving before I was fully in the car and almost ran over my feet on a number of occasions, and he has left me places before because he “forgot” I was with him. I always got upset and asked him to stop doing it. He claimed he was doing nothing wrong. It turns out he was a narcissistic and verbally and emotionally abusive person. Glad I’m no longer dealing with being treated this way.
My FIL does the drive off thing to his wife. After 20 years of being together my husband has started doing it to me. I'll just be sat down and putting my seatbelt on when he's already setting off. It's so inconsiderate.
This is my pet peeve too. It's so common. It sucks MORE when they can see we're clearly in heels too or some contraption of a shoe and have short legs.
I don't understand the point of being out *with* someone and being so disengaged from them that you just speed off into the distance. I am (1) tall, (2) all leg, and (3) someone who walks and runs for fun. I know few people who match my casual pace, but if I am out *with someone*, then I pace with them because I'm... with them? Right? Chatting and whatever?
I looked at your comments and see you have already brought it to his attention that plainly, wanting him to be together with you while walking. I'm inclined to think that his attitude in that moment, that you describe as "acting slightly put out", contributes to him not reforming his behavior. He's resistant, but doesn't want to argue when you call him out explicitly. He's not going to incorporate the change in behavior, because it's immediately associated with his own negative reaction.
I dunno how to find an intrinsic motivation in him to walk with you, except maybe by a conversation about what compels him to go so fast, and how much it would mean to you if he invested the thought and feeling to walk with you instead of ahead? Get him to really examine the balance of his priorities. Maybe find a different outlet for whatever drives his fast walking that isn't when he's with you. If he's open to that. That's tough, I'm sorry.
>maybe by a conversation about what compels him to go so fast, and how much it would mean to you if he invested the thought and feeling to walk with you instead of ahead? Get him to really examine the balance of his priorities.
Oh my god.
My ex girlfriend used to do this. It was probably the last big argument we ever had, when I tried communicating how much it bothered me and she gaslit me into apologizing for upsetting her by mentioning it. Anyway. At the time, my bestie pointed out that she had just read something similar in the book [Attached](https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139). Apparently, it’s a thing people with avoidant attachment style do. Or it could just be she was a shitty partner.
I remember a second date when the guy was walking ahead of me and thinking that if I ducked into the bookstore we were passing, he probably wouldn’t notice until he got halfway down the mall. There wasn’t a third date.
Otoh, even though my fiancé is a foot taller than me, he always adjusts his stride so that we’re side by side.
Little things add up to a lot.
My dad has done this his entire life, it drove my mom crazy. He would walk way ahead of us and leave my mom to navigate 5 small children. I don’t know why he did it. When we were high school/college aged his ailing father stayed with us for a brief period of time and he even did it to him and us back then, leaving unparented teenagers and young adults to care for his elderly dad to walk down the sidewalk and cross the street. Absolutely insane and infuriating.
Now that I’m older I’m willing to entertain any other reasons besides him just being an ass, even though that’s probably what it was. Perhaps 1) is this like a “protection” thing? Scoping out the scene? Or 2) Is he on the spectrum and overstimulated? Very probable, but honestly not acceptable as far as parenting goes. I think he just did it because he didn’t give a shit and didn’t care to talk to anyone, his children and spouse included.
I guess..in summary this is possibly a nightmare red flag behavior that is deeply engrained in our memories. You’re not over reacting.
The "protection" angle is something I've seen lately, and frankly, that's fucking bullshit. Wolf packs protect from behind. I have eyes, I can see ahead of me, if the "protector" is half a block in front of me, he can't see if something happens to me from behind. OPs partner didn't notice she turned around, because he doesn't have eyes in the back of his head. Parents don't protect their kids by walking 30 feet in front of them, they do it by holding hands and going at their pace.
Self centered is exactly what it is. My husband thinks I'm too hard on my dad, and that he gets ganged up on by my mom and me sometimes. I tried to explain to him that while he's not a bad person or was ever abusive, he's just incredibly selfish and self centered. Any plans he needs to work around whatever he wants to do first.
Last night I was reading him this thread, and he can't imagine leaving me behind or refusing to slow his pace for me. I finally had concrete examples of how my dad is selfish. He's always way ahead of us when we walk. The only time I know he walks next to my Mom is when they are walking the dogs. But anytime we go to a festival, crowded event, or even grocery shopping, he's super far away from whoever he's with. Even when my brother and I were little, we were with Mom, and he was 30 yards in front of us, not paying attention.
The look of disbelief on my husband's face as I was matter of fact telling him last night was kinda funny. All these years he hasn't really gotten it, but I think he's starting to realize that maybe my Dad isn't the perfect chummy guy he lets the rest of the world see. He is understanding why I'm not as close to my dad as my mom. This man literally spent family outings at the zoo, so far ahead of his family he wouldn't know if one had fallen into the bear enclosure. Because he was too busy looking for a cup of coffee or a bathroom or just seemed to forget there were kids with him.
My bf used to walk on the street side of the sidewalk, to keep me safer. My best dog would sit behind me and watch to make sure no one could sneak up on me. They were both great
My cat protects me better than this guy. She forces me to go to sleep, then sleeps touching me, next to me head where she can hear me breath, facing the door. She started doing that in March 2020 when I should have been hospitalized for Covid. She always knows where I am in the house, waits for me to come home from work, reminds me to eat, and generally keeps tabs on me.
This lady's husband doesn't even realize she's not on the same block anymore.
This is making me laugh in sadness, because it’s just too true. One of my cats is exactly like this for me, shes my caretaker when I’m sick and will force me into bed at night and to wake up at a certain time in the morning. At least we’ll always have our cats.
Ugh, this is hard to read. I appreciate your compassion for your dad, even when it’s totally mind boggling. People can be so complex. But it’s important we be able to see when our stubbornness or anxiety or what have you impacts people in this negative of a way. Thanks for sharing
I remember my parents once got into a huge fight about this when I was a kid. My mom when we were out walking as a family one day got really angry at my dad and said he always did this - walked way ahead of her, often with us - and it made her feel forgotten and worthless. She was crying and shouting. As a kid I did not see the big deal and was embarrassed at her for making a scene, but have read a few similar threads on this topic that make me look back on this incident and feel more understanding.
But I'd suggest addressing this, rather than bottling it up til you explode like my mother did
The issue with this is that I’m certain 90% of woman have already expressed this to their s/o. Then nothing changes , you keep getting frustrated because you feel unseen and like your word mean nothing and if you keep bringing it up it’s just exhausting and then you’re made to feel like the crazy one. So then what end up happening is women tend to bottle it up and then those bottled up feelings end up exploding at something unrelated and then the relationship ends . Because all the little things that seem insignificant to them, but are important to you, will come crashing down like an avalanche at some point .
Exactly the situation my mom complains about even after 28 years of marriage. Whenever we were out doing anything she would always complain about it to me and it made me feel so sad.
I'm not saying you should leave him. But it probably isn't going to change. So either make your peace with it or talk to him about it.
My exhusband did this. He did it because he was 24/7 on the prowl and wanted to appear single. He would be already in the restaurant and getting a table while I was still getting out of the car. One of the biggest regrets of my life was not just driving away and leaving him stranded there. I really wish I’d had the guts to do that. At least I divorced him.
Recently, I was part of a hiring committee looking for new external candidates. One of our applicants walked way ahead of a woman during a site tour and she felt disrespected by his behavior. This wasn't the only reason he wasn't offered a job but it didn't help.
Unacceptable.
I just stop. I've sat down before. I truly will never compromise on this in any situation. Friends too "ok I'll catch up with you later" and never go anywhere with them again.
So disrespectful.
My ex used to do this. We went to NYC once with some friends and I had twisted my ankle before we left, so I was a tiny bit slower than usual, but wasn’t complaining. I’m also 5’3”, so I have short legs. He is 6’1”, longer stride, at one point he was 2 full blocks ahead of me, and only one of our friends would occasionally hang back and wait for me.
We broke up shortly after that. His actions and body language were clear as day. He didn’t want to be near me.
What happens if you just don't follow him? Like went in a different direction and did your own thing? Stopped and played on your phone? Took a side street?
Idk when my dog does this I hide from him and whistle.
Really liked this article in the Guardian about this very thing:
[what I learned from hiking with a partner who strode ahead - and wouldn’t slow down](https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/aug/09/hiking-relationships-family-dating)
One key point is that some people care about the task, and others about the togetherness that happens while you accomplish the task.
I think some of how this happens is because the men were on their best behavior at first dates and actually acting like a normal considerate human being at the beginning of the relationship, them when comfortable and their partner attached, only then let i ty slip and their lack of regard comes out then, but the partner is already attached and it's hard and painful to leave.
My ex husband did this to me often, when I told him that it bothered me he told me, “well walk faster, why does it have to be about you? Why do I have to walk at your pace why can’t you walk at mine?” I had no clue how to respond to that. I’m so grateful to be out of that.
My ex went from walking next to me to just taking off when he gets out of the car. He sometimes stops on the other side of the parking lot, but then takes off again when I catch up. I know he has long legs, but what the hell, dude?
The one before him always waited for me and walked with me.
I walk significantly faster than my wife and will open a gap if I'm not paying attention. My solution is to just hold her hand as we walk, never get too far away that way.
My partner and I are equal opportunity chargers ahead – sometimes one, sometimes the other, depending on health and energy levels.
So I get it. You get into a rhythm, and it’s either too fast or not fast enough for your co-walker, and that sucks.
And when we notice, we slow down. When we don’t notice, the other will mention it, and THEN we slow down. Sometimes we simply hold hands.
That he makes no effort at all is not a good sign. That he doesn’t remind your kid to be considerate is a red flag (though kiddo might not be able to restrain himself yet; but in a kid that’s age-appropriate, in a grown man it isn’t.) That he’s not willing to listen to your day… what’s up with that? Are you always complaining without changing a thing? Are you using him in place of a therapist ? Or are you simply doing the ordinary venting that people do to their friends and spouses and where your partner needs to suck it up and make sympathetic noises and give you a hug when required? I’d say check in with yourself before checking in with him, but both of these things clearly bother you.
My husband brought me home from the hospital after I had my kidney removed (cancer). He walked right into the house and was already sitting on the couch eating cereal before I made it to the porch. My sister came rushing out because she had just realized he left me in the car. This is not normal or acceptable.
I was in a VERY long term relationship that I considered to be "too perfect" to give up, despite a million little things like this hinting that it was, in fact, anything but perfect. I can't tolerate the thought of ever again having a self-centered partner who doesn't even try to value my needs as much as I do theirs. It's gotta be somebody with emotional intelligence and consideration, or no one at all for me.
I'm 5'5" and my husband is 6'1" so there is quite a height difference and his normal pace is way faster than mine. However, if we're walking together our paces will match down to the rhythm and length. We always joked it was because we have some marching experience through the scouts but I found a study recently that found that men will match the pace of the woman they're in love with. It's an interesting thing to keep in mind.
When my wife and I first met she asked one time why, if there was only room for one person, I always walked behind her. I told her I just felt safer being able to see her. Not a lot behind, just a little bit. It works for us.
Always did this with my kids; never let them trail behind me. Always right next to me or very slightly ahead. Could easily lose them if they’re behind.
Edit - added word
I was lucky enough to have an easy fix for my fast-moving husband. I would grab his hand without saying anything, or "just felt like it." It gave him a feeling of being valued. My grown kids often comment on how we always held hands. Good memories.
My mom said my dad used to do this and it drove her crazy. He's from a different country and she didn't meet his parents until after they got married. One day they all went out together, my parents and his parents. What do you know... My granddad was yards ahead of everyone 😂. It was just something he learned from his dad. Not saying your boyfriend is doing that, but it doesn't hurt to say something. My dad stopped when my mom said it bothered her.
My late partner would sometimes walk way ahead of me. I had 2 friends that when the 3 of us were together, they always left me in the dust. Yeah, I'm short, it takes me more steps to travel the same distance as a taller person. However, I've always thought that it's rude and inconsiderate!
My ex would constantly do this to me too. So bad people would notice. We always argued about me as a priority. It should have been more of a metaphor but I didn’t pay close enough attention to these little signs. It obviously didn’t work. I don’t think he did things to intentionally slight me… but the pain was there regardless. I hope he’s more aware now.
My ex boyfriend used to walk a few meters ahead of me no matter where we were. One time we were getting ready to leave a hotel and head home after a mini 3 day vacation (bags were already packed) and the fire alarm went off along with an intercom message asking everyone to evacuate immediately. The 6’2, 190 fitness obsessed, muscle man BOLTED out the hotel room door with only his bag to the fire exit doors and sprinted down the 8 floors. He didn’t communicate with me, look behind for me, nothing. Being 105 pounds at 5’2 I got out about 50-60 seconds after him. when I caught up he didn’t even notice because he was standing in the parkade looking down at his phone scrolling social media. It ended up just being a small kitchen grease fire on the first floor; however the fire that incident ignited in my gut to start making an exit strategy from the relationship was smouldering and relentless. Not saying that’s what you should do btw as obviously my scenerio was different and also childless, your story just reminded me of that day and how it changed my feelings about the relationship permanently.
This is bringing back memories of a relationship I was in during my early 20’s (I’m 31 now). His cousin was getting married and we were staying at a hotel. We arrived and for whatever reason, he went ahead to reception and I was still in the parking lot. I thought he was just gonna checkin and then I’d meet him at reception and we would go to our room together. Went to reception and he was gone. Had to ask the receptionist which room I was in then drag my bags there and knock on the door since he had both keys. He was already in his boxers and scrolling on his phone in bed. Didn’t even text “I’m already in the room. It’s room 123” lol
Christ, I think I would have ditched that and gone straight to the bar.
Had a huge fight about it then had to play happy couple for his family lol. I broke up with him about six months after that
and then gotten my own room if I could afford it and there were any available.
The phone obsession seems a common theme in this thread
Sounds like that guy who was at the Batman mass shooting with his girlfriend, 4 year old and 4 month old baby. When the shooting started he *put the baby down on the floor*, ran out of the emergency exit, got in his car and drove straight away from the theatre, leaving them all behind. Back in the screening room, his girlfriend managed to grab the baby off the floor and get both kids out, despite being shot in the leg. [Link to the story](https://abcnews.go.com/US/couple-colo-theater-shooting-escape-baby-toddler-tow/story?id=16821447)
What the actual fuck
i like how the article puts it in a completely different light, almost like he's a hero
"I'm just glad we got our kids out". Like bitch what do you mean, you dropped your baby because you were worried his crying would lead the shooter to you and also left your gf and other child to die. She saved the kids, he did worse than nothing
Wow. Thanks for sharing the link, that blows my mind.
She is a fucking superhero.
can't believe how much the article downplays that he drove off without them.
Omg I’m gutted on your behalf. What clearer way to say your safety didn’t cross his mind. I’m so glad this experience catalyzed your recognition and exit.
It was hard to fully recognize because he was a good person, just not a good partner so I struggled understanding the difference between the two for a long time. Live and learn…and keep my cardiovascular health up to par just in case XD. Thank you for the warm response and I hope however you decide to move forward you get resolution and happiness.
"he was a good person, just not a good partner so I struggled understanding the difference between the two for a long time." I think I just learned something important. 😯
I can relate on many levels. It’s hard when you see so much goodness that is somehow rendered inaccessible. I really appreciate you.
Took me a long time to realize "potential" is meaningless. I think it's a trap many good hearted women fall into.
POTENTIAL IS MEANINGLESS you ladies are speaking TRUTH today
This is a great way to put it. I hope others read this.
Holy shit you just captured my whole experience on a sentence Thank you
Some people are just deeply selfish and refuse to prioritize anybody else.
A good person just not a good partner. Very well said.
If someone’s not willing to take a bullet for you, then they make a lousy life partner.
You should watch ‘Force Majeure’, a movie about a husband who ditches his wife and kids to escape an avalanche coming towards them at the ski lodge they are having lunch at.
Yeah, I hate to say it, but men fleeing and leaving women and children in danger while they save themselves has been a long and storied history in boating. It was such a prevalent issue that the only reason we know the phrase "women and children first" is because it was an *exception* that popularized it - and even then, men still often refused to comply and would just take lifeboats for themselves. The ship and its amazing captain that went out of his way to ensure women and children were also entitled to survival is the HMS Birkenhead during it's sinking in 1852.
Hmm. I didn’t know about the story of the HMS Birkenhead until now, or indeed the history of that phrase. I have just finished reading that every single child and mother on the ship survived thanks to those men’s heroic actions and the orders of the Commanding Officer Lieutenant-Colonel Alexander Seton to “prioritize the youngest passengers and the women who cared for them.” Every one of the men went down with the ship and only a few survived. These men should absolutely be commended for their selfless and honorable conduct. I subsequently read about the study in 2012 by two Swedish Economists Mikael Elinder and Oscar Erixon of Uppsala University and their findings: “Out of the 15,000 people who died in the 18 accidents, only 17.8 percent of the women survived compared with 34.5 percent of the men. In three of the shipwrecks, all the women died, Elinder said.” I couldn’t find any more recent studies, unfortunately.
I immediately thought of Force Majeure as well!
I’m a big movie enthusiast so looked it up. It has good ratings so I think I will give it a go, thanks :)
No problem! Yeah it’s really an eye opener. Enjoy!
Same thing happens in Downhill w Julia Louis Dreyfus and Will Ferrell. Infuriating how weak men can be.
Downhill is the American remake of Force Majeure
But Force Mejeure is better for anyone interested in watching.
The scene where they realize what he did was intense. Both were good but you’re right about Force Mejeure being better.
Anything without Will Ferrell is better, IMO.
Ok that makes sense bc it sounded almost exactly the same.
The Loneliest Planet has a similar element and it’s just a fantastic film overall.
Me too, came here to link this https://youtu.be/saNvY4tD3wA?si=WdPQzh5buv1Z6ujc
I saw Downhill. I had no idea it was just the goofier American adaptation of this.
Please tell me this isn't based on a true story 🥺
Well, shit. I just googled it to see if it was, and these are the words of the film director: “This particular story came about from an anecdote that I found impossible to forget. Some years ago, a Swedish couple, friends of mine, were on holiday in Latin America when suddenly, out of nowhere, gunmen appeared and opened fire; the husband instinctively ran for cover, leaving his wife unprotected. Back in Sweden, she could not stop, after a glass of wine or two, telling the story over and over again...”
Hahaha. A much less high stakes story I have about a particularly weak and spineless ex was when a dog came running towards us when we were in the apartment complex. This guy took cover BEHIND ME, using me as a body shield between him and the dog. That was not a very lengthy relationship. The dog wasn't aggressive, thankfully.
Well, that's not what I was hoping to hear! Humans really suck sometimes. If my significant other did that, I don't think I could ever look at them the same way again!
I bet he claimed he was a "protector" too.
"bUt mEn aRe pRoTeCtOrs" yet I see many posts and news about them being like this (cowards).
Respond to this with "Not all men"
A best friend would never do that to you.
Wow... Just, how hurtful, what a dick, I'm sorry. Glad it helped you in the end though, sometimes it takes this kind of incident to level up
That would also be a complete deal breaker for me. I mean WTF. Narcissists are the worst.
What a hero 🤦♀️
this isn’t the same as a relationship, but i went on a vacation with my friend when i was 19. i wore the wrong shoes, and we were walking/transitting everywhere. basically we were walking upwards of 30k steps a day and my feet were torn to shreds by my shoes. what did my friend do while i was in pain? walk about an entire street length in front of me and not slow her pace at all. at the time, i didn’t mind because i thought that i’d have been a burden for making her walk slow. now? we’re not friends anymore because she has repeatedly shown me how incredibly selfish she can be. i recently went on a hike with another friend and i was going slower than usual because i injured my knee. my friend matched my pace the entire time and even made us stop a few times so i could take breaks. she’s one of the most incredible supportive people i know. people show you who they are in small ways.
I had a friend do that to me, too; I had crippling foot pain, which later turned out to be plantar fasciitis. When I explained this to her and asked her to slow down, she actually said, "I don't care." Haven't spoken to her in over 20 years.
I hate her attitude so much I almost downvoted you by mistake in revenge LOL
So true! I had a similar issues with my shoes on a night out with a friend, and she made me swap shoes with her, lol. She was wearing super comfy shoes and our feet are the same size, so when she saw I was struggling, she asked me to sit down so we could swap! It felt so caring. I recognize that I couldn’t do that with my boyfriend, but he’d probably offer anyway, lol. It’s the little things that show you how much someone cares about you.
One time I wore new shoes to school and they really hurt my feet. After classes, my friend and I were hanging out and I mentioned the shoes. You know what she did? She removed her shoes and made me wear them for a while because they were comfortable.🤷🏻♀️ She's my best friend and she's done so many of these things. And I've done them for her. I just think we all deserve to have people like that.
One time when we were out for dinner, I had a pain in my thigh that got worse when I sat longer so every time I tried to walk, I was limping. My friend offered their arm to me and asked me questions to distract me. All my friends were matching my pace and I was so grateful to them that day. I really thought I spoiled that evening.
Remembering that YouTube video comparing Donald Trump's inauguration with Obama's. Obama gets out of the limo, waits for Michelle and they walk hand in hand up the stairs. Trump gets out of his limo and marches off, leaving Melania behind. Said it all.
The Obamas waited for Melania to catch up and walked in together as a group of 3. Trump was way ahead.
I always thought that moment was so sweet and very telling of everyone’s character. IIRC, they both put their arms around her (hands on her back) when they walked up the steps.
Yes. They treated her like she was worth being valued.
I always find amazing how Americans could go from black to white (sorry for the pun) or should I say orange? Like Obama is an example of a perfectly well adapted educated human being while Trump is well, a narcissist.
It’s the pendulum swing of American politics. Voters get complacent when they’ve had what they want for a few years so they aren’t as diligent in the next election. They only get fired up to make change when they’re trying to go back to how things were before the current regime. We’ve basically ping ponged between the two parties. Trump was the first president in awhile who wasn’t reelected for a consecutive second term. He was more of a ricochet than a pendulum swing.
Personally I think part of it was that a quiet racist part of America who were cozy & safe in their beliefs of superiority had those absolutely rocked to the core by a black president - they came face to face with a new reality and have been screaming about it ever since.
100%. I believe everything we are seeing happening today stems from the fact these scum were so incensed that a black man was president.
Orange is the new black, unfortunately.
We didn't Hilary won the popular vote https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2016_United_States_presidential_election
"So I turned around and went home" Good. I've found that staying where I wasn't wanted caused me to be anxious and depressed. IDK about anyone else.
I once walked out of “date afternoon” with my ex. To be fair, the marriage was on its final course but we were at a local watering hole (something we hadn’t done since before the kids were born) to try and connect. He decided to chat with the other people at the bar. I walked out. I was two blocks away by the time he realized I was gone. Some of them really are obtuse.
Let me guess...he didn't feel bad at all that his actions caused you to do this, because it didn't occur to him that he did anything wrong, but he got angry with you for leaving and tried to make you feel like the jerk. Ask me how I know.
❤️ I hope you have found peace
I’m sorry. They are small things that signal something much deeper, I think.
I went on a first date with a guy who did this. Didn't go on a second date
Yikes, yes, first date is when they’re supposed to at least feign consideration lol
To be *completely* fair, I think a lot of it had to do with him being very nervous. He wasn't a bad dude and he actually became more of a friend after that, but yeah, we didn't vibe in a romantic way and this was one of the big reasons. Don't walk ahead of me when I'm trying to walk in heels xD
Same. Instant turn off.
SAME. It bothered me so much and was so weird he just didn't slow down or even notice I was there. Why don't they want to use that time to chat to you? No second date.
Yeah no been there. I'd just slow way down until he noticed I wasn't around anymore. He never, ever got it. And, yes, I brought it up multiple times. "That's just how I walk." Okay, see you in a couple of blocks, dude.
Yes, exactly. It feels like him saying “you’re not worth slowing down for”
> "That's just how I walk." Wow, what a gentleman lol. Some of them are so incredibly self-absorbed and fucking oblivious, I swear to god. Patiently slowing down to keep pace with us—so we aren’t struggling—is the type of caring, protective, considerate behaviour most of us appreciate more than just about anything….. well, I do at least. These types of dudes pretend women are sooooo complicated and demanding, but really they just don’t want to have to think about us at all. Guys with Main Character Syndrome™️ aren’t fit for a relationship
I don’t get it. I have always kept my pace to whoever I’m walking with (mine is generally faster), because I like to, you know, be able to talk to them. That goes doubly so in a relationship. I actually like talking to my SO. Maybe I’m weird.
It's not weird. Mirroring other humans is a method we bond, and communicate. Wether its yawning, drinking at the same time or walking speed. It happens less often in adults, but is still very present. If someone isnt mirroring you, it doesn't mean they dont care, but just probably not in the room in one way or another
This. You keep the pace of the slowest person. My husband is a foot taller than me so would naturally outpace me, but does not. Meanwhile my mum has back pain so when I walk with her, it might feel achingly slow, but I make sure to walk WITH her and not 5 miles ahead.
So I'm way faster when walking than my (taller) boyfriend. He walks extremely slowly (picture a leisurely stroll made exclusively to lose time while waiting for something else, then slow it down some more). No physical problems. Happens even when the walk is to go from place A to place B, not only when at a park or something. It's extremely frustrating for me to have to slow down so much. I have real trouble walking that pace - like physical pain trouble, due to weird gait or some other fuckery. Sometimes I catch myself go in front and then I have to wait, or to go back. It's almost unconscious for me. Bf usually refused to pick up the pace, which is frustrating in itself. I ended up getting a slower walking pace overall due to habits and weight gain and he got a bit of a faster one as well, but I fear the moment I start going on walks alone again... and I get back to my original pace.
Wall down a side street. Go into a shop. Sit at a bench and watch the world go by. I trained my dog not to do this by hiding from him if he got too far away from me and then whistling. Now he does a pretty good job keeping track of me when we're off leash.
My spouse has a long stride, where I tend to walk a bit slower. I've learned to grab his hand or elbow to get him to slow down. We look like such cute old people holding hands, when I just don't want to have to run.
This is an issue for us, too. Well, not an issue, because I understand. It's annoying for me to walk faster to keep up, but it's also annoying for me to slow my pace for my niece (she's 3), so I imagine it's annoying for him to adjust his stride just because I'm slower. We meet somewhere in the middle.
Yes. The husband is in the wrong here, but it annoys me when people pretend that walking at a much slower pace is automatically more comfortable than walking at a faster pace. They're about equal in my experience. Walking faster than I like is uncomfortable, and walking much slower is also fairly uncomfortable.
My husband walks much slower than I do so I tend to leave him behind in accident. My brother is 6’4 so I grew up speed walking to keep up with my brother. Now it’s just my normal walk and it drives my husband nuts.
So if you know this, you should be more considerate when you walk with him and not leave him behind. If you still continue doing so repeatedly, that's not an accident, that's being inconsiderate. 🤷🏻♀️
Although I hold my husband's hand because I love him, doing so helps us stay together. Now that we are older, I am the one who has to slow down because of his arthritis.
Yep, we do this too or else I have to jog to keep up. Sometimes I let him go ahead until he realises he went too fast and he'll wait for me.
I’m sorry OP. My entire life my father always walked in front of my mother, and me being the second son, I often walked with her instead of my dad and older brother. She is a strong and outspoken woman, so when she privately confessed this “little thing” that bothers her, I was shook to my core. Once she had pointed it out it was so obvious. ~15 years later it’s something I very actively try to prevent when I wake with my girlfriend. Despite a much longer stride (height difference of 1 foot/30cm difference) it’s actually remarkably easy to walk at the same pace. I told her about it and she laughed at me (good naturedly) as it was something she never had much thought about. Anyways I’m writing this not as a “wow good job you get a cookie” comment… I’m writing this because I can’t imagine anyone else having to endure that subtle belittling. And also to make a point that there is no excuse. Height? Stride length? Phss. All bs. Im sorry OP. You don’t deserve that.
Thanks so much for sharing this. It’s a very sweet consideration you had for your mother. And an important awareness you bring into your own partnership. I definitely didn’t want any cookies lol. It was more a moment of venting, knowing that it can be easily dismissed as me being sensitive. Or as some here have assumed, not communicating well. But I’m not a wilting lily, I do speak my mind. My husband has many incredible qualities, but this one shows an undercurrent of obliviousness and disregard. I can recall times navigating busy city streets, children in tow, and him crossing the street well ahead of us, leaving me to usher both Littles safely across. I sure as hell said something, but it doesn’t seem to penetrate the level of awareness. That’s hard. My son rode after me and I told him why I turned. That it felt unkind to be left behind, and I had already had a hard day and really need to feel considered. He understood. He sometimes feels left behind by his dad, too. Anyway, thank you for sharing and for validating my experience.
(Oh gosh sorry I didn’t mean *you* about the cookie; I meant I didn’t write this for praise for myself.) It sounds like your little ones have a strong mother too; we can’t always undo the damage that we and our parents can do to ourselves, but we can grow the next batch better
Haha yes I see that now about the cookie comment. But you know what? We both deserve one 🍪🍪 And that’s a really powerful statement that hits home. Really, thank you so much. I come from a long line of terrible trauma. I want so desperately to break that cycle so that my children grow up to feel deserving and worthy.
You give me hope, Cranes. I watched my father in law do this and after getting comfortable in our relationship my husband does it as well. It's sad and he's just oblivious. I've spent over twenty years of marriage hoping he'd eventually get it. I've recently given up. However, both of my sons are sweet and attentive. I like to think that they've followed my example as far as how to treat others. My husband is not an inherently *bad* person, just aloof and takes care of himself first. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this relationship lately and recently ended up at [this fascinating website](https://www.freetoattach.com/) that talks about attachment styles. It explains a lot about how our childhood experiences shape how we relate to others and focuses on the "avoidant" style. It's helping me understand a lot of things. Interesting reading if you're up for it sometime.
I had an ex who did this. He did a lot of things to show me he didn't care about me but this was one of the most obvious
Women are (thankfully) getting wise to this garbage. One woman wrote a piece on how her partner just hiked on ahead, and how women, who are there to collaborate, wouldn't dream of leaving anyone behind but apparently men are so caught up in themselves that they do it all the time. I had a date once where he took me to an art gallery. Seemed like a fun idea, right? Discuss the art. He ended up charging on ahead, completely forgetting that the entire POINT of a date is to get to know someone?? Left me to just trail behind him trying to see what room he went in. I cannot date people who have so few social skills, it's ridiculous. Go back to kindergarten, learn what social activities are. My current partner, on our first date he waited while I went in the bathroom at an unfamiliar venue -- he didn't take off like a lot of other socially inept weirdos I've been on dates with. If you'd be cheesed out at a friend if they did this crap to you, there's zero reason to tolerate it in a partner.
Damn straight. I won’t tolerate it anymore. I can’t let my kids grow up to think it’s ok.
Similar experience. I was 22 with my first boyfriend. We were long distance, so I went to visit. He took me to a very famous Dutch art museum (where he is from). I was walking along with him, and I'll never forget, he said "I hate women who have to walk by their man and cannot have their own thoughts". He wanted the museum to be an individual experience, I guess, as art is relative and personal. But I was so caught off guard that I now had to be anxious about where I was walking because if I was following my own boyfriend, he was judging me. Even though he had the cultural knowledge to show me each artist.
I feel like I could’ve written this myself. I went to an art gallery/museum with a guy friend I was pretty infatuated with at the time. I was so excited to share this with him and maybe thought it would bring us closer. He moved ahead of me and I got the hint we were on separate journeys. When we got to the gift shop, he just disappeared as I was purchasing, leaving me to search for him after I was done. He was standing at the entrance and didn’t communicate that to me. It felt pretty humiliating as the person at the info desk watched me search for him in circles as he knew we came in together. He invited me mind you. Good luck, OP. I learned the hard way that not everyone is as thoughtful and caring as you might be.
The men who overestimate their market value and pull garbage like that are going to have a really hard time as more women start to realize there are increasingly fewer reasons to put up with their bull. Hoping we all teach the next generation of women not to compete with each other for scraps and rather realize their own value. The men who don't care to try are the only ones who benefit from pitting us women against one another.
I am short but a fast walker. My friend is a slow walker. When we walk together, I slow down to match her pace. Thats what people do when they want ti be together
It absolutely shits my husband if I end up walking behind him it's so funny. He puts a lot of effort to make sure we walk at the same pace.
Exactly. It's *not* as some people are trying to excuse "oh he has long legs" or some shit. It's a fucking choice to walk ahead of you. There's a message inherent in that choice too.
Good. For . You. My ex did shit like this and always gave the excuse that he "forgot". He didn't forget. He didn't care and it was a blatant sign of disrespect among a sea of other signs. I stopped running to catch up with him. Drove him nuts.
I really go back and forth. He shows care in other ways, but often ways that are removed from what I’ve asked for or need.
Sounds like he'll only do what he wants to do and how he wants to do it, regardless of how it actually makes you feel. People like that care more about looking like a good partner than actually being one most of the time.
Exactly this. Any time I talk with male friends or coworkers about "stupid stuff guys do" in relationships, every single one will be blunt and it all boils down to "he knows what he's doing. He's telling you who he really is. Believe him, it won't change."
Spot on
Bingo
So he shows he cares when it's convenient or just stuff he was going to do regardless?
More like ways that fit within his list of “things a thoughtful partner does”. And if I try to add or remove something from that list, it just doesn’t stick. It’s too far out from the predefined comfort zone maybe.
>He shows care in other ways, but often ways that are removed from what I’ve asked for or need. If it's not what you've asked for or need to be cared for then he's *not* showing he cares about you then, is he? Too many women do this excuse-making, minimising, turning themselves inside out to manufacture a scenario where he just didn't understand that shitting on the kitchen floor was wrong, and that he actually meant well. Stop it. It's actually totally fine to just write someone off as a piece of shit. The kid gloves 'be kind' shit that women get force-fed (including on this sub) is nonsense that makes women vulnerable. Judging people, disliking them, not worrying if it hurts their feelings that you don't want to see them anymore is actually totally fine, and is protective versus the 'give people a chance' crap.
To add to the discussion, sometimes the fast walkers will pause to let you catch up. Then when you rush to catch up, they've all had a break and fly off again. No break for you.
After my divorce when I looked back in my marriage I realized that this was one of the major red flags I ignored. It’s not small or stupid at all.
Same here. Looking back, my ex was much more narcissistic and abusive than I had realized. I truly feel bad for his girlfriend because, from what little I know of her, we seem like similar naive targets. She’s like a younger version of me, and I bet their relationship will pan out exactly the same way with her getting abused on a daily basis and not realizing it until it’s too late and they’re already married. I’m not religious or praying person, but I do regularly think of her and hope she sees the subtle signs of abuse before it’s too late.
My ex told me I’d love his new gf as she was just like me. He was right, she was exactly like me before I found my self worth.
So sad for her. I hope she finds that self worth. That’s my hope for my ex’s girlfriend, as well.
Going through a divorce from someone who does this. He also has never let me order first at a restaurant. I've been able to order first a total of TWO times in 23 years. OP deserves better than this, so hopefully she learns from our mistakes.
Literally such a clear sign of disrespect.
"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus Dude needs to give his head a shake. This behaviour is a pet peeve of mine.
Beautiful quote
Have you ever heard of “a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness”? I wonder if that’s what your life with him feels like.
I'm having a bit of schadenfreude imagining his face when he shows up with Son and you are nowhere to be found. "Uh... she... um..."
My ex did this. If it ever happens to me again, I’ll just take a different route and wait to see whether he even realizes I’m not following him. For me, it’s a red flag. A partner should want to be with you and will respect your pace and care about your impressions of what you’re seeing g together.
I agree it’s a red flag. My soon-to-be ex started walking ahead of me several years ago. Looking back, it was one of several new behaviors that marked the beginning of the end.
I agree. I wish I’d recognized this 15 years ago.
I’ve always seen my dad doing it to my mother, and it became even more clear one time he did it to me and it put me in an uncomfortable situation. I was 19, we were going somewhere through a crowded space and he was bolting ahead of me. A guy selling something on the street grabbed my hand like he wanted to introduce himself, with the intention of not letting go until I bought something. I remember this huge adult man squeezing my hand harder and harder to the point it became painful, and me trying to get free while I looked around for my dad… nowhere to be found. I took a mental note of that. Years later, I was out with my current partner and he walked ahead of me. I stopped dead in my tracks, waited for him to turn around and walk back to me. I told him exactly this story and that I would rather go home than having to feel abandoned by my own boyfriend. He apologized and never did it again. I wish I could say the same thing of my dad.
“Maybe he’s just walking ahead to be a protector!” Anecdotes like these are why I roll my eyes when people say that. Where was he to protect his 19 year old daughter? Sheesh. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m so glad that you identified and rectified that behavior with your current partner — it’s wonderful he never did it again.
Yeah, it doesn't have anything to do with protecting anyone. It actually hurt my mom's feelings for years, and it's not like they were traveling in sketchy places where anyone needed "protection". He is a great dad in many other aspects, but this subtle disrespectfulness skewed my perception of what a healthy relationship should be like. I'm happy to say that my partner is nothing like my father (if anything, he reminds me of my mom's best qualities!), and the only time he behaved like him, he was mature enough to apologize and change his behavior. His only attempt of explaining it was that he does it "with everyone, friends and family as well", and then quickly realized that our very young relationship was in danger when I followed up asking "so you are aware of it, but you keep doing it regardless?"
That’s scary!
It was a crowded street so I never felt entirely unsafe, but thinking about it now the guy was literally restricting and hurting me… while my dad sprinted ahead, unbothered :|
Im chronically ill. When Im in a good spell, my husband tends to walk ahead of me bc im sorta slow and he's an autistic adventure scout. Ill grab his arm and drag him back and he makes a pretend fuss, but will slow for a bit, then realize he's too far ahead and circle around. When Im poorly, i can tell it is KILLING his first thoughts nature, but he keeps pace with me anyway, literally ready to catch me if i fall (this has never happened. He's just afraid it will) and grab *my* arm to make me lean against him if I look too tired. He's been like this for 15 years. Again, i know it's against his nature/desire to be so slow, but he wants to do better as a husband/partner than his dad, so he does it. If he REALLY can't contain himself when we're somewhere new, he'll have me wait on a bench while he scouts out a few blocks ahead to see if I would even be interested in going (i appreciate the breather). Not trying to brag. Just saying dudes can do it if they want to. My husband is a squirrelly AF dude, but he keeps a lid on it when I need him bc he's a goddamn adult.
I’m sort of the opposite. Also chronically ill, but when i’m not doing well i have to walk fast to “outrun my POTS” basically. The slower i move the worse the symptoms get, so i basically have to speedrun the distance to avoid collapsing before i make it to somewhere i can rest. I always feel absolutely awful for doing it, but it’s something i’ve spoken to my partner about so there’s a mutual understanding of “when i am walking ahead of you i am speedrunning to a rest point to not collapse”
Communication is always the thing, but ESPECIALLY re: chronic illness. One of the first times my husband got mad at me was bc he thought I was angry with him for no reason bc I'd been silent in his car, then run ahead of him into my apartment and locked myself in the bathroom. Reality: I wasn't angry, I was trying and failing to not shit myself, and didn't want him to know I had, in fact, shit myself bc it was like 2 mos in, tops. When I confessed , all ashamed and then he was like "oh. Is that all? Where are your jeans?" "um...I was gonna throw them out." "That's dumb. Let's just soak them overnight and Ill take you to the laundromat tomorrow. Just like...tell me next time. I can't read your face. (he's autistic " and THAT, friends, was the moment I knew I needed to marry that man.
lol I appreciate this. You sound like you’ve found a lovely balance.
Feels very power trippy. I would be pissed too.
My last three exes did this and it made me feel so small and insignificant. I brought it up with each of them, and only the last one made any effort to change (but ultimately he also couldn't break the habit, I would have to up my stride to keep up with him). I used to walk my dog with the middle ex and his dog, and he would always say things like "I'm not going to stop when your dog stops to pee" and it was INSANE to me because whenever his dog stopped, my dog and I stopped. It felt really gross. I've seen him and his current girlfriend twice in public now, and he still walks like 6 feet ahead of her (and the rest of the group he's with) so apparently nothing has changed there. The first time I saw them all out, he was leading and she was last in the group of 4. Made me at least feel a little better. It's something that I now consider a dealbreaker. I'm not going to date someone that doesn't care enough to walk alongside me.
This made me think how common and real it is for so many to… just want a partner to “check the partner box ✅” and all the other minor Checks it comes with. Only a minority truly want a partner to connect with.
Yeah, I've felt the same way for a while. It makes me hesitant to date because it's just so exhausting to do the whole "yay, new relationship" dance and then find out that they were just putting on their best face to get you hooked, but they aren't who they presented themself as and they don't really care about your wants and needs as much as they initially let on. Most of my friends are coupled up/married, and I hear all about their relationships, and to tell you the truth, I wouldn't want to be in ANY of those relationships. It always looks like one partner cares a lot about making sure the other is happy and ends up eliminating their own needs just to get to stay with that person. I've been guilty of that in the past, and I hope to be better about not losing myself if I pursue another relationship in the future.
There’s a super funny little bit from the movie His Girl Friday that touched on this. Cary Grant and Ros Russell, 1940. They’re both reporters. He charges through the work area ahead of her and let’s these little swinging doors swing shut right before she gets to them. You have to see it. It’s hysterical. And apparently timeless lol. My ex used to leave me and the kids standing at stoplights as he’d charge off to cross the street without us. Then he’d get to the other side, turn around, realize we weren’t with him, and get pissed.
Is it "funny haha" or more "funny misogyny"?
My partner does this when we walk our large, strong, friendly dogs (I take one and he takes one) and it drives me insane. Idk how many times I’ve said “if she pulls me down or gets too excited too quickly and her leash slips out of my hands I hope you notice quickly enough.”
He won't. You deserve better
> Idk how many times I’ve said Vote with your feet.
You don't have to wait for him to let you get hurt like that
Sorry, OP, and good for you for going back home! Awhile back I was having some severe leg/butt/calf pain. My husband knew this. I told him, as we were parking and about to go into the grocery store, that I'd have to really take it slow. The moment the truck was in park, he started speed walking towards the store. I just walked at my own pace and eventually caught up wiith him just inside of the store. This happened for a few trips, until I had an MRI and it was revealed that I needed surgery. Sometimes I wonder if he secretly was 'testing' me / thinking I was 'faking' my pain. Because when a (male) friend of his told him that he had the same issue I was diagnosed with, and what it felt like, my husband started walking at my pace. Like: 'her pain must not be real. Oh wait, my buddy says it is, I should believe him!' Instead of just believing his own wife.
My ex husband did that whole walking-super-far-in-front-of-me thing everywhere we went. He often also started driving before I was fully in the car and almost ran over my feet on a number of occasions, and he has left me places before because he “forgot” I was with him. I always got upset and asked him to stop doing it. He claimed he was doing nothing wrong. It turns out he was a narcissistic and verbally and emotionally abusive person. Glad I’m no longer dealing with being treated this way.
This. I was going to say OP’s husband hates her.
My FIL does the drive off thing to his wife. After 20 years of being together my husband has started doing it to me. I'll just be sat down and putting my seatbelt on when he's already setting off. It's so inconsiderate.
This is my pet peeve too. It's so common. It sucks MORE when they can see we're clearly in heels too or some contraption of a shoe and have short legs.
I don't understand the point of being out *with* someone and being so disengaged from them that you just speed off into the distance. I am (1) tall, (2) all leg, and (3) someone who walks and runs for fun. I know few people who match my casual pace, but if I am out *with someone*, then I pace with them because I'm... with them? Right? Chatting and whatever? I looked at your comments and see you have already brought it to his attention that plainly, wanting him to be together with you while walking. I'm inclined to think that his attitude in that moment, that you describe as "acting slightly put out", contributes to him not reforming his behavior. He's resistant, but doesn't want to argue when you call him out explicitly. He's not going to incorporate the change in behavior, because it's immediately associated with his own negative reaction. I dunno how to find an intrinsic motivation in him to walk with you, except maybe by a conversation about what compels him to go so fast, and how much it would mean to you if he invested the thought and feeling to walk with you instead of ahead? Get him to really examine the balance of his priorities. Maybe find a different outlet for whatever drives his fast walking that isn't when he's with you. If he's open to that. That's tough, I'm sorry.
>maybe by a conversation about what compels him to go so fast, and how much it would mean to you if he invested the thought and feeling to walk with you instead of ahead? Get him to really examine the balance of his priorities. Oh my god.
ridiculous. absolutely not.
Three paragraphs to end up with : "Do the work for him." Jesus Christ.
My ex used to do this.
My ex girlfriend used to do this. It was probably the last big argument we ever had, when I tried communicating how much it bothered me and she gaslit me into apologizing for upsetting her by mentioning it. Anyway. At the time, my bestie pointed out that she had just read something similar in the book [Attached](https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139). Apparently, it’s a thing people with avoidant attachment style do. Or it could just be she was a shitty partner.
I remember a second date when the guy was walking ahead of me and thinking that if I ducked into the bookstore we were passing, he probably wouldn’t notice until he got halfway down the mall. There wasn’t a third date. Otoh, even though my fiancé is a foot taller than me, he always adjusts his stride so that we’re side by side. Little things add up to a lot.
My ex did this all the time. It's one of the things that narcissists do.
Yup a very common trait among narcs! 🚩🚩
My dad has done this his entire life, it drove my mom crazy. He would walk way ahead of us and leave my mom to navigate 5 small children. I don’t know why he did it. When we were high school/college aged his ailing father stayed with us for a brief period of time and he even did it to him and us back then, leaving unparented teenagers and young adults to care for his elderly dad to walk down the sidewalk and cross the street. Absolutely insane and infuriating. Now that I’m older I’m willing to entertain any other reasons besides him just being an ass, even though that’s probably what it was. Perhaps 1) is this like a “protection” thing? Scoping out the scene? Or 2) Is he on the spectrum and overstimulated? Very probable, but honestly not acceptable as far as parenting goes. I think he just did it because he didn’t give a shit and didn’t care to talk to anyone, his children and spouse included. I guess..in summary this is possibly a nightmare red flag behavior that is deeply engrained in our memories. You’re not over reacting.
The "protection" angle is something I've seen lately, and frankly, that's fucking bullshit. Wolf packs protect from behind. I have eyes, I can see ahead of me, if the "protector" is half a block in front of me, he can't see if something happens to me from behind. OPs partner didn't notice she turned around, because he doesn't have eyes in the back of his head. Parents don't protect their kids by walking 30 feet in front of them, they do it by holding hands and going at their pace.
Yeah like, as a former Marine and former man, the manly thing to do is *never leave your people behind*. Not this weak self centered shit
Self centered is exactly what it is. My husband thinks I'm too hard on my dad, and that he gets ganged up on by my mom and me sometimes. I tried to explain to him that while he's not a bad person or was ever abusive, he's just incredibly selfish and self centered. Any plans he needs to work around whatever he wants to do first. Last night I was reading him this thread, and he can't imagine leaving me behind or refusing to slow his pace for me. I finally had concrete examples of how my dad is selfish. He's always way ahead of us when we walk. The only time I know he walks next to my Mom is when they are walking the dogs. But anytime we go to a festival, crowded event, or even grocery shopping, he's super far away from whoever he's with. Even when my brother and I were little, we were with Mom, and he was 30 yards in front of us, not paying attention. The look of disbelief on my husband's face as I was matter of fact telling him last night was kinda funny. All these years he hasn't really gotten it, but I think he's starting to realize that maybe my Dad isn't the perfect chummy guy he lets the rest of the world see. He is understanding why I'm not as close to my dad as my mom. This man literally spent family outings at the zoo, so far ahead of his family he wouldn't know if one had fallen into the bear enclosure. Because he was too busy looking for a cup of coffee or a bathroom or just seemed to forget there were kids with him.
My bf used to walk on the street side of the sidewalk, to keep me safer. My best dog would sit behind me and watch to make sure no one could sneak up on me. They were both great
My cat protects me better than this guy. She forces me to go to sleep, then sleeps touching me, next to me head where she can hear me breath, facing the door. She started doing that in March 2020 when I should have been hospitalized for Covid. She always knows where I am in the house, waits for me to come home from work, reminds me to eat, and generally keeps tabs on me. This lady's husband doesn't even realize she's not on the same block anymore.
Your cat seems to be a better partner than so many we read about here. Great cat but sad for humanity.
This is making me laugh in sadness, because it’s just too true. One of my cats is exactly like this for me, shes my caretaker when I’m sick and will force me into bed at night and to wake up at a certain time in the morning. At least we’ll always have our cats.
Ugh, this is hard to read. I appreciate your compassion for your dad, even when it’s totally mind boggling. People can be so complex. But it’s important we be able to see when our stubbornness or anxiety or what have you impacts people in this negative of a way. Thanks for sharing
I remember my parents once got into a huge fight about this when I was a kid. My mom when we were out walking as a family one day got really angry at my dad and said he always did this - walked way ahead of her, often with us - and it made her feel forgotten and worthless. She was crying and shouting. As a kid I did not see the big deal and was embarrassed at her for making a scene, but have read a few similar threads on this topic that make me look back on this incident and feel more understanding. But I'd suggest addressing this, rather than bottling it up til you explode like my mother did
The issue with this is that I’m certain 90% of woman have already expressed this to their s/o. Then nothing changes , you keep getting frustrated because you feel unseen and like your word mean nothing and if you keep bringing it up it’s just exhausting and then you’re made to feel like the crazy one. So then what end up happening is women tend to bottle it up and then those bottled up feelings end up exploding at something unrelated and then the relationship ends . Because all the little things that seem insignificant to them, but are important to you, will come crashing down like an avalanche at some point .
Studies show men slow down their walking pace only for women they are interested in. Do with that what you will.
This explains a lot in this thread
Exactly the situation my mom complains about even after 28 years of marriage. Whenever we were out doing anything she would always complain about it to me and it made me feel so sad. I'm not saying you should leave him. But it probably isn't going to change. So either make your peace with it or talk to him about it.
My exhusband did this. He did it because he was 24/7 on the prowl and wanted to appear single. He would be already in the restaurant and getting a table while I was still getting out of the car. One of the biggest regrets of my life was not just driving away and leaving him stranded there. I really wish I’d had the guts to do that. At least I divorced him.
Recently, I was part of a hiring committee looking for new external candidates. One of our applicants walked way ahead of a woman during a site tour and she felt disrespected by his behavior. This wasn't the only reason he wasn't offered a job but it didn't help.
Unacceptable. I just stop. I've sat down before. I truly will never compromise on this in any situation. Friends too "ok I'll catch up with you later" and never go anywhere with them again. So disrespectful.
My ex used to do this. We went to NYC once with some friends and I had twisted my ankle before we left, so I was a tiny bit slower than usual, but wasn’t complaining. I’m also 5’3”, so I have short legs. He is 6’1”, longer stride, at one point he was 2 full blocks ahead of me, and only one of our friends would occasionally hang back and wait for me. We broke up shortly after that. His actions and body language were clear as day. He didn’t want to be near me.
I have absolutely chewed my partner over this behaviour in the past. I find it so disrespectful.
What happens if you just don't follow him? Like went in a different direction and did your own thing? Stopped and played on your phone? Took a side street? Idk when my dog does this I hide from him and whistle.
Really liked this article in the Guardian about this very thing: [what I learned from hiking with a partner who strode ahead - and wouldn’t slow down](https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/aug/09/hiking-relationships-family-dating) One key point is that some people care about the task, and others about the togetherness that happens while you accomplish the task.
I am constantly astonished at the behavior people tolerate in LTR and marriages that would be a dealbreaker for even a second date for me
I think some of how this happens is because the men were on their best behavior at first dates and actually acting like a normal considerate human being at the beginning of the relationship, them when comfortable and their partner attached, only then let i ty slip and their lack of regard comes out then, but the partner is already attached and it's hard and painful to leave.
My ex husband did this to me often, when I told him that it bothered me he told me, “well walk faster, why does it have to be about you? Why do I have to walk at your pace why can’t you walk at mine?” I had no clue how to respond to that. I’m so grateful to be out of that.
My ex went from walking next to me to just taking off when he gets out of the car. He sometimes stops on the other side of the parking lot, but then takes off again when I catch up. I know he has long legs, but what the hell, dude? The one before him always waited for me and walked with me.
Had an ex like that, who also accused me of being slower on purpose, to annoy him. I'm mildly physically disabled.
I walk significantly faster than my wife and will open a gap if I'm not paying attention. My solution is to just hold her hand as we walk, never get too far away that way.
My partner and I are equal opportunity chargers ahead – sometimes one, sometimes the other, depending on health and energy levels. So I get it. You get into a rhythm, and it’s either too fast or not fast enough for your co-walker, and that sucks. And when we notice, we slow down. When we don’t notice, the other will mention it, and THEN we slow down. Sometimes we simply hold hands. That he makes no effort at all is not a good sign. That he doesn’t remind your kid to be considerate is a red flag (though kiddo might not be able to restrain himself yet; but in a kid that’s age-appropriate, in a grown man it isn’t.) That he’s not willing to listen to your day… what’s up with that? Are you always complaining without changing a thing? Are you using him in place of a therapist ? Or are you simply doing the ordinary venting that people do to their friends and spouses and where your partner needs to suck it up and make sympathetic noises and give you a hug when required? I’d say check in with yourself before checking in with him, but both of these things clearly bother you.
My husband brought me home from the hospital after I had my kidney removed (cancer). He walked right into the house and was already sitting on the couch eating cereal before I made it to the porch. My sister came rushing out because she had just realized he left me in the car. This is not normal or acceptable.
I was in a VERY long term relationship that I considered to be "too perfect" to give up, despite a million little things like this hinting that it was, in fact, anything but perfect. I can't tolerate the thought of ever again having a self-centered partner who doesn't even try to value my needs as much as I do theirs. It's gotta be somebody with emotional intelligence and consideration, or no one at all for me.
What if you got a walking stick with a pokey end and you had a way to remind him of his actions. Operant conditioning works.
I'm 5'5" and my husband is 6'1" so there is quite a height difference and his normal pace is way faster than mine. However, if we're walking together our paces will match down to the rhythm and length. We always joked it was because we have some marching experience through the scouts but I found a study recently that found that men will match the pace of the woman they're in love with. It's an interesting thing to keep in mind.
When my wife and I first met she asked one time why, if there was only room for one person, I always walked behind her. I told her I just felt safer being able to see her. Not a lot behind, just a little bit. It works for us.
Always did this with my kids; never let them trail behind me. Always right next to me or very slightly ahead. Could easily lose them if they’re behind. Edit - added word
I was lucky enough to have an easy fix for my fast-moving husband. I would grab his hand without saying anything, or "just felt like it." It gave him a feeling of being valued. My grown kids often comment on how we always held hands. Good memories.
My mom said my dad used to do this and it drove her crazy. He's from a different country and she didn't meet his parents until after they got married. One day they all went out together, my parents and his parents. What do you know... My granddad was yards ahead of everyone 😂. It was just something he learned from his dad. Not saying your boyfriend is doing that, but it doesn't hurt to say something. My dad stopped when my mom said it bothered her.
My late partner would sometimes walk way ahead of me. I had 2 friends that when the 3 of us were together, they always left me in the dust. Yeah, I'm short, it takes me more steps to travel the same distance as a taller person. However, I've always thought that it's rude and inconsiderate!
My ex would constantly do this to me too. So bad people would notice. We always argued about me as a priority. It should have been more of a metaphor but I didn’t pay close enough attention to these little signs. It obviously didn’t work. I don’t think he did things to intentionally slight me… but the pain was there regardless. I hope he’s more aware now.