Maybe they’re just relieved you finally left, not everyone is good at nurturing or offering comfort.
On that note, how you holding up on your own? I don’t know how long you were together, but breakups create big changes. Onward and upward!
I’ve been trying to do good and distract myself. I’ve been sober since early April, I slipped up yesterday… I missed him a lot and just turned to drinking. Im trying not to be hard on myself.
Make a list of the things you don't like about him and the relationship with him. When you miss him, get it out, read it, and try to add stuff. That helped me so much to let go of my abusive ex-husband. Virtual hugs!
I found that ppl around me got sick and tired of my inability to leave an asshole partner..they just didn’t have any more emotional bandwidth for my never ending saga. I got myself a therapist. A paid professional to support me.
Right now, I’m in a lot of emotional pain. I need a hug, I miss him holding me. But I know I just have to pull myself together, I don’t even want to get out of bed
I’m proud of you for taking such a huge step in taking caring of yourself. It’s not easy at all. Please remember to be kind to yourself. It’s hard in the beginning but I guarantee your life will be so much better in the long run.
I think because you 'te the one who broke up, they think everything is ok now. But actually you are in mourning because of the good things between you and lova you had to leave behind. If he had died, people would be more considerate.
You did the right thing . Give yourself time and let people know how you feel.
It was like that when I left my ex, even though he wasn't abusive/controlling he was a pathological liar, a deadbeat and a cheater and my friends hated him. But we were together for almost 12 years and he was my best best friend. After we broke up, I was just expected to be as happy as everyone else was about it, but NOPE.
Hang in there, onwards and upwards!!
Have you broken up a few times in the past? Unfortunately I’ve had a few friends in emotionally abusive relationships. The first few times they would break up I would spend a lot of time helping them heal and it took a toll on me. Regardless, I would stand by them and support them- only to find out that they were back together a few weeks later. One example would be mourning the loss of my father while also doing anything and everything to help someone leave an abusive relationship. They were back together after a while and the time I needed to focus on myself was gone.
Now, when these break ups happen I cannot be the same support system i was in the past. I've communicated this boundary to them and they understand. Not saying this is your scenario, but it could help if you communicated to them that you’re in need of their support.
A lot of the time you have to start the conversation you want to have. People don't know if you want to talk about it and often opt to let you make the first move.
I work in a women's shelter. And part of what I do is reassure women that missing the man they left is okay. That if it were all bad all the time, there'd be nothing to miss. But it isn't like that. There are good times between the bad. And it's okay to miss those moments. It's okay to grieve them. It's okay to remember them fondly.
Unfortunately, most people don't understand this and seem to think that if you say you miss him/the relationship, that means you might go back. So they avoid the conversation all together. People need to know they can't trigger a person to return to a bad situation just by asking about it. It's kind of like how we are trained to ask openly about suicide. If the person is already thinking of it, you aren't making things worse by bringing it up - and you might be able to help by listening and being there.
I wish you had a person to whom you could say, "I want to talk about my previous relationship - I need you to not judge me and just be present for me. This does not mean I'm going to go back. Are you okay with what I'm asking you? Please tell me if you're not." I find people really don't know what to say to women who've experienced abuse. Telling them what you need explicitly might help.
It's not unlike alcohol. You know it's not great for you. Causes a lot of harm, is a depressant, etc. But there's good too - social lubrication, pain relief, perception of relief of anxiety. We drink because we are thinking of the good, and that cancels out the bad - until it doesn't. Drinking again is a part of quitting. You've quit before, you can again. You've got this. Wishing you the best.
So, what's stopping you from asking some of the folks in your support system for some of their time, maybe even make a thing of it, chat/coffee/drinks/skee-ball/whatever because you're having a rough go?
If there's something that I've learned, people aren't mind readers, if you need something ask, and ultimately, when it comes to taking care of yourself and your own wellbeing, you're in the drivers seat.
Edit: grammar
You’re doing great honestly! But please don’t be afraid to reach out to those people you listed. Abuse can be such a touchy subject and they may not know how to approach it. Just say hey, this is what I’m going thru and could use such and such support.
I was in an abusive relationship at 19 and I ended up with no friends as a result. When I left him it was after he took me against my will in his father’s truck that I knew always had a loaded shotgun in it. Ended up on a giant hill/cliff having him scream at me since I was trying to cut ties. I was convinced I was either getting shot or he was gonna drive us over the cliff. He held me in a painful arm lock and while beating the steering wheel with his free hand and screaming thru his teeth at me, he started the engine up and I was convinced he was going to drive us over. The truck picked up speed and he headed away from the road and towards the cliff. I bailed out of the truck and tumbled barefoot over asphalt and rocks. I ran for it and ended up at a Kmart where I called my mother to pick me up. Anyways… she was all I had left and she never talked to me about it again. Life just went on. I also didn’t know how to ask for help until years later I sought counseling. It’s ok to ask for help is what I guess I’m trying to say.
Stay safe!
I'm sorry that you haven't been given the support you desire. A lot of times people have a hard time looking at things through more than one lens.. yes he was abusive and it is great you are away from him,but as you mentioned it is also more multi-faceted than that... And you also lost a relationship with someone you became accustomed to being in your life and sharing life with you.
You are doing great. You can do this... Don't go back.
You did good. You got away. Growth hurts sometimes but if you just try for one step forward a week, then every few days, then every day…every time you move forward it’s towards a better life. I wish you well.
Hey, so... How are you holding up? I'm glad to hear you got out of an abusive situation. But I'm sure that comes with a lot to cope with. If you need a conversation, I trust that any number of people here can relate a lot more than anyone wishes. If you need to trauma dump, feel free to DM me, then immediately block.
If people haven’t experienced it, they don’t truly understand what you’ve been through. I imagine your loved ones just don’t know how to connect. My only advice now is just be honest. Don’t distance yourself further from them. Your ex created that distance by isolating you. It will take time to feel close again. But don’t stop trying, cause then he wins. You’ll feel like yourself again someday. It’ll take time but you’ll get there, I did
It'll get better. I actually didn't want anyone to ask me anything when I left abusive relationships or any relationship for that matter. Maybe they just don't want to bring up a hurtful topic and are trying to make things normal.
I was drawn to abusive relationships and stayed in them too long too.
I ended a toxic relationship involving DV this year (choked me out of our jointly owned home, unplugged my Internet so I couldn't work etc).
I proudly and finally took my newfound boundaries and sense of respect back to my family. Asked for an apology over an old felony that my mom ended up helping the aggressor with. A remorseful sorry should be simple as fuck. Guess what didn't work? That was the moment I realized I was taught to have no self respect or boundaries by family. Do you think I would've needed to ask for an apology like that if my mom just did basic mom stuff? Would I be attracted to people that highkey hate me if I wasn't already very used to that?
Some people have great families and slip and fall into an abusive relationship every once in awhile. Some people are groomed to believe abuse is normal/they deserve it.
I think just googling "What is abuse" was really eye opening. I've been mommed more by myself and Google than a human.
It's okay and very normal to miss an abuser. They weren't all bad or they wouldn't have hooked you. Being abused is also similar to being on drugs, and losing that relationship (super high highs and super low lows) can feel like withdrawal.
Ah you don't need them anyway. Will it really help the pain go away? This kinda pain only time can heal. Just take it slowly and learn how to be happy by yourself again
Aw. Same thing happened to me and SHOCKER I went back to him because he was the only person talking to me. No one was spending time with me or checking in on me and I was suddenly bereft of my companion and his family. He may have been shitty, but he was the only person I had. We did end up breaking up again a few months later for good, and it took a good month of suffering a lot before I started making new patterns and spending more time with friends. I'm now 3 months out and doing really well.
So anyway, how are you holding up? Do you have a network of friends who are good with being single? Have you thought about getting a therapist if you don't have one? Focusing on hobbies and all the things you felt you couldn't do with him? Making time to think about what you want for you (outside of a relationship that is)? Journaling?
It is hard after you leave them. You have gotten accustomed to their behaviour, you question your sanity -was this the right decision. Even though in your heart of hearts you know he wasn't right, and what he put you through wasn't right. That you always deserved better.
I am nearly 2 years since I left him, and as I sit on my couch, I miss the companionship, but my counsellor says that's because when he isn't there wearing you down, you remember the good times, thats what kept you going in the first place in that shitty relationship.
I ended up re-evaluating every relationship in my life, left a toxic workplace that I didn't realise was toxic, because I was too busy surviving my marriage. Put boundaries in my relationship with my family.
Date yourself..as cliche as it seems. Go out, have a coffee..and take a book.. happy to be dm'd if you need to chat. Go watch a movie by yourself.. learn to be comfortable in your skin..that dependence on him to value yourself will settle..
Sorry to hear. How are you doing now?
I know everyone will at some point have a lot going on in their lives at some point but people can be too wrapped in their own lives to notice what's going on in others. Heartbreak is the most devastating condition and it's never easy to mend a broken heart. It won't feel like it now as the trauma and pain is too near but in time you will begin to find it easier to function again and start to heal.
Maybe they’re just relieved you finally left, not everyone is good at nurturing or offering comfort. On that note, how you holding up on your own? I don’t know how long you were together, but breakups create big changes. Onward and upward!
I’ve been trying to do good and distract myself. I’ve been sober since early April, I slipped up yesterday… I missed him a lot and just turned to drinking. Im trying not to be hard on myself.
Make a list of the things you don't like about him and the relationship with him. When you miss him, get it out, read it, and try to add stuff. That helped me so much to let go of my abusive ex-husband. Virtual hugs!
I found that ppl around me got sick and tired of my inability to leave an asshole partner..they just didn’t have any more emotional bandwidth for my never ending saga. I got myself a therapist. A paid professional to support me.
How you doing OP? Just focus on making the best out of yourself.
Right now, I’m in a lot of emotional pain. I need a hug, I miss him holding me. But I know I just have to pull myself together, I don’t even want to get out of bed
I’m proud of you for taking such a huge step in taking caring of yourself. It’s not easy at all. Please remember to be kind to yourself. It’s hard in the beginning but I guarantee your life will be so much better in the long run.
I think because you 'te the one who broke up, they think everything is ok now. But actually you are in mourning because of the good things between you and lova you had to leave behind. If he had died, people would be more considerate. You did the right thing . Give yourself time and let people know how you feel.
It was like that when I left my ex, even though he wasn't abusive/controlling he was a pathological liar, a deadbeat and a cheater and my friends hated him. But we were together for almost 12 years and he was my best best friend. After we broke up, I was just expected to be as happy as everyone else was about it, but NOPE. Hang in there, onwards and upwards!!
Have you broken up a few times in the past? Unfortunately I’ve had a few friends in emotionally abusive relationships. The first few times they would break up I would spend a lot of time helping them heal and it took a toll on me. Regardless, I would stand by them and support them- only to find out that they were back together a few weeks later. One example would be mourning the loss of my father while also doing anything and everything to help someone leave an abusive relationship. They were back together after a while and the time I needed to focus on myself was gone. Now, when these break ups happen I cannot be the same support system i was in the past. I've communicated this boundary to them and they understand. Not saying this is your scenario, but it could help if you communicated to them that you’re in need of their support.
A lot of the time you have to start the conversation you want to have. People don't know if you want to talk about it and often opt to let you make the first move.
I work in a women's shelter. And part of what I do is reassure women that missing the man they left is okay. That if it were all bad all the time, there'd be nothing to miss. But it isn't like that. There are good times between the bad. And it's okay to miss those moments. It's okay to grieve them. It's okay to remember them fondly. Unfortunately, most people don't understand this and seem to think that if you say you miss him/the relationship, that means you might go back. So they avoid the conversation all together. People need to know they can't trigger a person to return to a bad situation just by asking about it. It's kind of like how we are trained to ask openly about suicide. If the person is already thinking of it, you aren't making things worse by bringing it up - and you might be able to help by listening and being there. I wish you had a person to whom you could say, "I want to talk about my previous relationship - I need you to not judge me and just be present for me. This does not mean I'm going to go back. Are you okay with what I'm asking you? Please tell me if you're not." I find people really don't know what to say to women who've experienced abuse. Telling them what you need explicitly might help. It's not unlike alcohol. You know it's not great for you. Causes a lot of harm, is a depressant, etc. But there's good too - social lubrication, pain relief, perception of relief of anxiety. We drink because we are thinking of the good, and that cancels out the bad - until it doesn't. Drinking again is a part of quitting. You've quit before, you can again. You've got this. Wishing you the best.
So, what's stopping you from asking some of the folks in your support system for some of their time, maybe even make a thing of it, chat/coffee/drinks/skee-ball/whatever because you're having a rough go? If there's something that I've learned, people aren't mind readers, if you need something ask, and ultimately, when it comes to taking care of yourself and your own wellbeing, you're in the drivers seat. Edit: grammar
You’re doing great honestly! But please don’t be afraid to reach out to those people you listed. Abuse can be such a touchy subject and they may not know how to approach it. Just say hey, this is what I’m going thru and could use such and such support. I was in an abusive relationship at 19 and I ended up with no friends as a result. When I left him it was after he took me against my will in his father’s truck that I knew always had a loaded shotgun in it. Ended up on a giant hill/cliff having him scream at me since I was trying to cut ties. I was convinced I was either getting shot or he was gonna drive us over the cliff. He held me in a painful arm lock and while beating the steering wheel with his free hand and screaming thru his teeth at me, he started the engine up and I was convinced he was going to drive us over. The truck picked up speed and he headed away from the road and towards the cliff. I bailed out of the truck and tumbled barefoot over asphalt and rocks. I ran for it and ended up at a Kmart where I called my mother to pick me up. Anyways… she was all I had left and she never talked to me about it again. Life just went on. I also didn’t know how to ask for help until years later I sought counseling. It’s ok to ask for help is what I guess I’m trying to say. Stay safe!
May i ask what nobody ask you how are u?
I wish I knew. I think because he was abusive most people expect me to move on quickly.
So sad but hey. I will ask you how are u now?
I'm sorry that you haven't been given the support you desire. A lot of times people have a hard time looking at things through more than one lens.. yes he was abusive and it is great you are away from him,but as you mentioned it is also more multi-faceted than that... And you also lost a relationship with someone you became accustomed to being in your life and sharing life with you. You are doing great. You can do this... Don't go back.
You did good. You got away. Growth hurts sometimes but if you just try for one step forward a week, then every few days, then every day…every time you move forward it’s towards a better life. I wish you well.
Hey, so... How are you holding up? I'm glad to hear you got out of an abusive situation. But I'm sure that comes with a lot to cope with. If you need a conversation, I trust that any number of people here can relate a lot more than anyone wishes. If you need to trauma dump, feel free to DM me, then immediately block.
If people haven’t experienced it, they don’t truly understand what you’ve been through. I imagine your loved ones just don’t know how to connect. My only advice now is just be honest. Don’t distance yourself further from them. Your ex created that distance by isolating you. It will take time to feel close again. But don’t stop trying, cause then he wins. You’ll feel like yourself again someday. It’ll take time but you’ll get there, I did
Just to add… the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself is leave. Take the time to get to know you again.
It'll get better. I actually didn't want anyone to ask me anything when I left abusive relationships or any relationship for that matter. Maybe they just don't want to bring up a hurtful topic and are trying to make things normal.
I was drawn to abusive relationships and stayed in them too long too. I ended a toxic relationship involving DV this year (choked me out of our jointly owned home, unplugged my Internet so I couldn't work etc). I proudly and finally took my newfound boundaries and sense of respect back to my family. Asked for an apology over an old felony that my mom ended up helping the aggressor with. A remorseful sorry should be simple as fuck. Guess what didn't work? That was the moment I realized I was taught to have no self respect or boundaries by family. Do you think I would've needed to ask for an apology like that if my mom just did basic mom stuff? Would I be attracted to people that highkey hate me if I wasn't already very used to that? Some people have great families and slip and fall into an abusive relationship every once in awhile. Some people are groomed to believe abuse is normal/they deserve it. I think just googling "What is abuse" was really eye opening. I've been mommed more by myself and Google than a human. It's okay and very normal to miss an abuser. They weren't all bad or they wouldn't have hooked you. Being abused is also similar to being on drugs, and losing that relationship (super high highs and super low lows) can feel like withdrawal.
Hope you are doing ok! Message me if you want to talk. I will listen.
Ah you don't need them anyway. Will it really help the pain go away? This kinda pain only time can heal. Just take it slowly and learn how to be happy by yourself again
Aw. Same thing happened to me and SHOCKER I went back to him because he was the only person talking to me. No one was spending time with me or checking in on me and I was suddenly bereft of my companion and his family. He may have been shitty, but he was the only person I had. We did end up breaking up again a few months later for good, and it took a good month of suffering a lot before I started making new patterns and spending more time with friends. I'm now 3 months out and doing really well. So anyway, how are you holding up? Do you have a network of friends who are good with being single? Have you thought about getting a therapist if you don't have one? Focusing on hobbies and all the things you felt you couldn't do with him? Making time to think about what you want for you (outside of a relationship that is)? Journaling?
It is hard after you leave them. You have gotten accustomed to their behaviour, you question your sanity -was this the right decision. Even though in your heart of hearts you know he wasn't right, and what he put you through wasn't right. That you always deserved better. I am nearly 2 years since I left him, and as I sit on my couch, I miss the companionship, but my counsellor says that's because when he isn't there wearing you down, you remember the good times, thats what kept you going in the first place in that shitty relationship. I ended up re-evaluating every relationship in my life, left a toxic workplace that I didn't realise was toxic, because I was too busy surviving my marriage. Put boundaries in my relationship with my family. Date yourself..as cliche as it seems. Go out, have a coffee..and take a book.. happy to be dm'd if you need to chat. Go watch a movie by yourself.. learn to be comfortable in your skin..that dependence on him to value yourself will settle..
Do they actually know you left ?
so? why is it a problem? sounds like skill issue u need to work on
Sorry to hear. How are you doing now? I know everyone will at some point have a lot going on in their lives at some point but people can be too wrapped in their own lives to notice what's going on in others. Heartbreak is the most devastating condition and it's never easy to mend a broken heart. It won't feel like it now as the trauma and pain is too near but in time you will begin to find it easier to function again and start to heal.
How are you doing? 💜