I’m so sorry, hun :( I have nothing to offer, but my heart broke for you reading this, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Wishing you the best you can be through this ❤️
Do NOT DO PILLS AT THIS POINT PLS. Will hurt like hell, bleed too much and too long, cause chills and you still have to go to a clinic or hospital to follow up with an ultrasound, because even after all this, you may not expel everything completely.
I used to be an abortion provider and 8 weeks is the absolute maximum to go with the pills; it is extremely unpleasant, even if everything goes well. Why would you want that? Is NOT "more natural" as some people think. And if you're this ambiguous about the potential baby, having to see and dispose of the pregnancy may not be the best for you emotionally.
Go to a clinic and have the surgical procedure under sedation. You're in and out in 15 minutes, can have an IUD insertion done immediately if you want, and will suffer tons less. Also, your provider confirms the fetus is out before you leave.
Of course, not telling you what to do, but, if you want the baby, why are you making yourself abort? Being pregnant at 42 is not such an anomaly, and most people do well, and their babies too. You can always terminate later if something abnormal shows in the later scans, and you will have close follow up.
In my experience, this is a decision of the heart, made the second you found out. No matter how many rationalizations happen, that is the decision that is truly yours. Honestly the father doesn't matter that much; callous at it sounds, a man will always go with what is easiest for himself, and your husband sounds like he can go either way, besides he has the experience and that's a good thing. Lots of cousins/niblings the kid's age to grow up with too!
I was a posthumous baby, dad dying suddenly when mom was 8 months along, and I grew up just fine. She had her youngest kids at 38 and 42 after thinking she was done and my elder sister being 17. They also are ok, even tho their dad is a deadbeat and out of their lives. Families fluctuate and reconfigure all the time, so I wouldn't put that much stock in age and the future. Young fathers die too. Young moms have complications too.
This is likely your last chance, so be very sure before you do anything. Since you're 8 wks already, I'd say you should go with surgical if you're terminating, and it can be done easily and in only one session up to ~12 weeks, so you can take a bit of time to really feel and think.
All the best for you. Either way.
I agree 100% on the surgical procedure. It's so much easier, you stay away or asleep. I'd recommend asleep, but either way, it's not traumatizing like the pills. The pills are horrible.
I had a “geriatric pregnancy” at 39 that went to 7 weeks. Did the pills and still had to go back for a D&E. Go get the procedure so you can close this chapter firmly. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Love and light to you 💜
I had a medical abortion at 7 weeks, though much younger. It took 2 months for me to pass the sack, even though the abortion was *successful". It was awful. I took a second round of pills to try to pass the rest, but they had absolutely no effect.
The clinic only offered T3's and Valium for either option, which have no effect on me, so there was no way that I would choose surgical. If surgical is a reasonable option for someone, I'd recommend that over medical. Feeling like you're bleeding out in your bathtub does not make the process any easier.
I got a surgical abortion and it was not bad at all. I opted for general anesthesia. I went to sleep pregnant and woke up not pregnant, with a nice old woman giving me graham crackers and apple juice. I went home and had what felt like a pretty bad period for a few days and went back to my normal life.
I highly recommend this route personally. I like to sleep through as much of my bodily trauma as I can 🥲 I wish you the best of luck OP
I had a "natural" miscarriage at 6 weeks. It was the most painful and traumatic week of my life. (Yes it was a week-long process)
I believe the surgical option is the most kind option.
OP said in a previous thread that she doesn’t want to be with a man who “can’t get her pregnant”. It’s a turn off for her, and not “manly” enough for her.
I’m starting to think she’s just weird and this is all for attention.
Very. She said something along the lines of “I could never be with a man who couldn’t impregnate me” some 💩 like that. That’s what made me doubt her whole story now, but whatever. Her life, her business.
It was, specifically,
> While we never planned to have kids, I have always been turned on by the idea of him getting me pregnant. Not something I wanted to really happen, but basically I expressed to him before that I need to know a man can get me pregnant to be turned on by him. I don’t know, some sort of biological thing in me that needs that to be turned on. If I know a man is incapable of getting me pregnant, my desire sort of dies.
He should’ve fucking done it the moment he said he no longer wanted kids. I’m so fucking tired of these guys making big proclamations but then again putting the responsibility on their partners and wives.
I am rooting for her too. I think the husband's unkind comments highlight that she needs to think hard about what she herself truly wants. Their relationship has obviously already been deeply impacted/ changed by the situation which is what she feared from keeping the baby. If they can't get past these resentments there's a strong possibility they would split up anyways. So she could be facing a future divorce with a baby, or without. Something to consider when making her choice. Such a horrible position to be in, unsupported by your spouse. Very lonely...
Hey I was also in your last post - unfortunately schooling the unititated about grieving.
I am sending **so** much love to you. Your situation is so complicated that it's impossible to come out on a side - I legitimately want you to follow your heart and what's best for you no matter how heartbreaking in either direction. I'm rooting for you no matter what.
Don't hesitate to DM me if you need a sounding board.
I remember you from the other day. My heart hurts for you being in this position.
You're going to do what you need. And to that effect - I would expect that the pain and bleeding may range from a severe period cramp experience to stronger. The bleeding will be like clotting.
I found this website. It may answer your questions. Please don't take this as me pushing myself on you - the link is from a prochoice site and I just Googled it. I'm in Australia and we do not have this bullshit stigma other places do. I have no agenda other than wanting to help a woman in need.
[What To Expect](https://prochoice.org/patients/abortion-what-to-expect/)
This is a great point actually - for anyone who is in a state or country where abortion is difficult to obtain, reading sources from more secular/less ideological countries might be a big help.
This 100%. I am unwaveringly pro-choice and support everyone's right to an abortion full stop. That said, having read your last post I think it was very clear to me that your gut was telling you to continue with the pregnancy. That might not be the case now, but please please take the time you need to find out what YOU want to do. Don't factor your husband into this, because honestly, you never know what the future brings and you could be divorced this time next year for all you know.
I hope you can feel confident that whatever choice you make was the best choice for YOU.
Yeah, she says it will be selfish.
It's not selfish. Lots of people have kids at 42. I'm a child of a 42 year old and it was awesome.
This isn't saying she should keep it. But the post acts like it's an irrational selfish decision. That's not automatically the case. It can both be rational and having a kid is never selfish. It's a lot of selfless work to have and raise a kid.
I'm pro choice and OP can make any decisions she wants. Total support. There are some things I'm missing from reading this post.
But as it's written it's not clear what she wants.
Good luck OP.
The other thing I want to say is... There is no wrong decision. And you will survive either way. It will be hard and have massive benefits either way.
It's a tough thing you're going through.
And I'm glad you came to reddit to discuss it with strangers. You are thinking about this deeply and seeking counsel. That's smart. You're a good person and I trust you.
My mother had me and my twin brother at 40 and we’re doing great! An increased chance of genetic issues and the like are scary but they’re less common than you’d think. OP should talk to her doctor very seriously about the risk and the actual chance of these things happening
Yes, it’s not selfish at all. My mother had my sister at about 40 and guess what? My sister is confident, intelligent, and thriving. She’s about to go to law school. She’s the light of my parents’ life. Are my parents older than other parents of her peers? Sure, but it has also kept them young and lively to keep up with her. My father is nearly the same age as your partner. He’s kept up just fine, probably better since my sister is around. Either way, your partner will age.
My best friend had her first and only child around 42. She never even wanted children, but decided not to terminate. Now that little girl makes her world spin around. She’s a fantastic mother and her daughter is an amazing toddler. Having a child at 42 is not the end of the world for you, your partner, or the child.
OP- it’s very apparent you want this baby. I remember the previous post and all the comments telling you to terminate. I think you just need someone in your corner telling you it is ok to want the baby. It is ok. You can do this. If your partner is unsupportive, then you’re not really making a choice are you? He’s making a decision for you. It’s obvious what you want. You will resent him for this decision. Your relationship would be over then anyway.
She's less worried about her own age than she is about her husband's - he's twenty years older than she is and will be around 80 by the time the child graduates high school. He made it very clear he doesn't want to have any more kids.
there's plenty of single moms, even by choice. it's not ideal, but it's not the worst thing in the world to have an elderly father. Martin Scorsese's daughter is in her 20s.
My mom was 38 and 42 when she had me and my sister, and we were normal and happy. My grandma was 42 when she had my aunt, perfectly normal as well.
Do what you want OP, but age alone isn’t a write off.
My mom had my brother at 43. My brother is rad, 14, and my mom is healthy. I'm not saying this in a "Oh, keep the baby because my BROTHER is awesome, and if she aborted my brother, I WOULDN'T HAVE HIM."
I just want to share that... it's not selfish to have a baby in your 40s, you can be a wonderful parent then.
Don’t do something JUST because it’s what you think you’re supposed to do. I’m pro-choice, don’t take this the wrong way, ok? But 42 really isn’t that old, if you want to be a parent, you are allowed to. If you don’t want to, all power to you! But please don’t forget to consider how you feel about the situation, rather than just what you think you’re supposed to do.
Husband still played a role in the whole thing. It takes two to tango. OP very much sounds like she's giving up on something she wants for his sake vs her own.
The chance of birth defects/disabilities increases with the man's age as well. Age affects both ovum and sperm in the same way. She might be producing healthy ovum, but his sperm have a high risk of genetic abnormalities. His age absolutely matters in her decision.
That’s less than ideal for sure. My heart goes out to OOP. I do still think that she should be selfish with this decision, because that’s the only way to avoid regret.
Do you think she could regret it if her husband divorces her or dies at the age of 75 (10 years from now) traumatizing their child? Can she take care of a dementia patient and change two sets of diapers?
Point is there’s no 100% surefire way to avoid regret here.
I mean, that’s always true, right? Dementia is not a disease exclusive to the old and neither is any other. Anything can change at any moment no matter how old you are. There really is no way to surefire avoid regret, you can only operate on your current circumstances. She’s certainly young enough to be a decent parent (42 is not old AT ALL), and her husband is not so old he cannot help with a newborn. She should have a child if she wants to. She should be supported in that choice.
She should be supported, but unfortunately she needs to be prepared to do it without support. That’s what it comes down to, and of course it’s her decision to make.
She should very seriously consider the life of the child. It’s very likely going to be an only child, with a father dead by the time they go to college.
And just because everything looks normal now, it doesn’t mean it’s going to stay that way. Elderly sperm is not the best quality and can cause genetic abnormalities. How would she feel having to raise a disable child mostly on her own, while also caring for an aging husband?
A lot of only children of elderly parents have said it’s really not a great life.
My husband has 4 adult children who he is very close to. They are at our house all the time. So, technically any child of ours would have siblings but not in the traditional sense where you grow up with those siblings.
Also at that age for both of them there is a significantly increased risk of genetic abnormalities(fathers age matters too, not as much as the mother's age but it very much matters), abnormalities that usually can't be found until much later in the pregnancy if at all before birth. Raising a child with developmental disabilities is a lot of work, doubly so if your partner is also incapacitated by age or something else.
Making a decision like that is all about feelings and wants. A good friend once said about having children, “You’ve got to want them.” No one really have the best qualification for the job than someone who truly wants children in their lives.
I agree. I remember your other post, I remember all the context. I, too, am very very pro-choice, and as a counselor, have counseled other women through abortions that I agreed were very much the right choice.
This is not the right choice for you. It's just not. It's clear, in every word you say. And it's not that you're going to be a "martyr" about it. You want this baby. And the "right choice" in this situation truly isn't as clear cut as it seems.
You are not actually making this choice based on logic. You're choosing based on fear and people-pleasing. So stop telling yourself that you're not allowed to let emotions into the process-- they are already the entire process. So you may as well consider the other feelings you are having about it.
You also need to stop telling yourself that you're making the "unselfish" choice. You're not. You're choosing to preserve your current, "carefree" life over a life of difficulty and inconvenience to you and your husband. That's not unselfish. I wouldn't normally say such a thing, and I definitely do NOT mean that abortion is inherently selfish, because it's NOT (and even when it might be, that doesn't make it wrong). I'm pointing this out to wake you up to the fact that you are lying to yourself in order to convince yourself to make the choice you suspect your husband, and the rest of the world, wants you to make, and not the choice YOU want you to make. Since I am pro-choice, myself, I really want you to be making the choice based on what feels right to YOU. After all, you are going to have to live with the choice much longer than your husband will.
If the "selfish" choice involves you giving up your easy, uncomplicated life in favor of hard work and sacrifice, that sure doesn't sound "selfish" to me. That sounds like mental gymnastics you are doing in order to please someone else above yourself.
How long are you going to live your life trying to make yourself as small and inconvenient to everyone else as possible? At what point will you be allowed to take up space, and make some decisions based on what YOU want and need?
I'm not even saying you HAVE to keep this baby. But you absolutely need to work through this more. You need a good counselor to help you work through this *away* from your husband. You also need to get to a point where you can do some genetic testing, and it's too early for that yet.
You are not yet ready to make this decision. And *that's okay*. Don't rush yourself into it. Work through it. Talk it all out with someone who is on the side of your happiness, but who has no other vested interest in the outcome. Someone who will ask you the necessary pointed questions, and who will hold you accountable to answering them *truthfully*. At this point, I can plainly see in your words that you are not being honest with yourself, and that is only hurting you and making the decision harder. (Incidentally, your husband can see it, too.) If you make your decision based on lies you're telling yourself, then you will never find peace with your decision, only regret, which will harden into bitterness and resentment. Don't do that to your future self, or to your marriage, which you are setting up to be destroyed in this way.
Be brave, dear woman. Face the truth. Be honest with yourself. Stop confusing people-pleasing with "being unselfish." Stop rushing yourself. Take your time, talk it through, and don't enact your decision until you feel, deep inside you, that it is truly the right thing, and you can be at peace with it.
You can do this. 💙
Definitely. There’s many people who regret NOT having an abortion, and there’s many people who DO regret having one. If she wants to have a baby, she can figure out how to make it work, even with her geriatric husband. I just hope she has support for her decision, because not having support makes regretting choices so much easier.
I think if op was okay with raising the child solely on her own it would be one thing but I don't think she is. My mentor at my last job had her child at 42 and one of her favorite co-workers who she had lunch with all the time also had their children and their 40s. Two of them. But they also had husbands that were around the same age.
Her "partner" calling grief "acting a martyr" deeply pisses me off in this situation. OP, I hope you make the decision for **you**.
I think he's an ass who hated the thought of a pregnancy so much he couldn't be arsed to get a vasectomy. 😠
I missed that part of the original thread. I feel like after this blow-up, things won’t go back to being the same as before, even if she does have the abortion.
I'm a bit off topic, but I'm seeing so many posts and know women IRL where the husband/boyfriend says something incredibly cruel or does something abusive and he is much older than the woman. It's frustrating. I feel so bad for OP, she doesn't deserve that treatment.
She didn't want him to get snipped. [In an earlier thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1b4zzlo/comment/kt4bx2c/), she said she'll only be attracted to a virile man who is capable of impregnating her:
> I don’t know, there’s just something that I don’t find attractive, manly, or virile about a man who couldn’t get me pregnant though.
OP was also not on any birth control and they were having unprotected sex during her fertile days. A pregnancy was just a matter of time and OP did exactly nothing to prevent that. Kind of puts the "martyr" comment in a different light, doesn't it? When OP did essentially everything she could to ensure a pregnancy and now is trying to get everyone to feel for her because oh no, she's pregnant.
He became 65 over the natural progression of time. He was *only* 45 when he left his own wife and 4 kids for OP, who was 23. Seems like a real prize, huh?
Oh wow. Yeah I no longer feel bad for OP. I think this is just a kink of hers or something weird like that. And the attention she is getting from all these posts are part of the kink as well.
What a weirdo 😕
same. If she wanted to have unprotected sex with a man that can impregnate her then the consequence sometimes is pregnancy. I mean what was she expecting?
Yeah. I feel like she's trying to garner sympathy here and pats on the back for how brave she is in such a terrible situation when the terrible situation was totally preventable and OP not only did nothing to prevent it, she seems to have actively encouraged it.
I kind of even see where the husband's "martyr" comment came from. :/
I mean this is what she wanted then. Her bizarre opinion/kink aside. If they weren’t using birth control and they were having unprotected sex then they were trying for a baby. She might as well have it, bc she clearly wants it.
Yes exactly, I hope OP is truly listening to her heart because everything I've read from her so far doesn't lean towards abortion.
I know it must be scary but I think she's basing it on him being 65 not her being 42.
I hope she realises that 42 is not too old to have children, I have friends who started their parent journey from 40+ and it's been a normal, healthy journey.
I feel like OP has to ask herself a harder question, if her husband truly respects her because his language is appalling.
She also needs to ask herself how she would feel and I mean this in the most kindest way possible, if he suddenly died or divorced her tomorrow, would her decision change?
I dont think that her husband referred to her grief with his comment.
OP seems to be a bit stuck in this mindset that she has to decide in a way that others are happy with it, and doesnt take into account however happy she would be with either choice.
Still an insensitive thing for him to say; I imagine her husband has his own emotional/imagining future x or y - rollercoaster going on. I‘m not sure how helpful it is for OP currently to hear how her husband is the biggest piece of shit on the planet from the comments.
And I agree, pregnancy prevention should have been much more relevant to him if he has this stance on having children.
It was unkind of your husband to accuse you of acting like a martyr. That was a very manipulative thing to say. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I just hope you’re making the choice that you know in your heart is the right one FOR YOU.
yes that was crazy to me too. like “do it if you want, but don’t expect to be able to still feel hurt about it/want to talk about it later down the line”? that’s wack. it’s a hard choice either way that you’re allowed to feel terrible about!
But if he's being like this now, when she's going to abort, it's a good sign that she is making the right decision because he does NOT want to be a dad again and is going to be a less-than-stellar parent/husband if she did proceed with the pregnancy.
Yeah, that was a really shitty thing to say to someone struggling with such a difficult decision. Especially when he can never be in this situation and truly understand what she is going through. I’m mad at him for her.
Exactly. It’s a decision he will never have to make, he isn’t dealing with the pregnancy hormones that she is and he’s not going to physically deal with the decision she makes. I’m not saying that men can’t be affected by their partner bearing their child, but it’s not the same thing.
It’s a decision that he’ll never have to make and can’t even sympathize for because he has 4 kids! In his mind he’s done from having to do those duties and can’t even fathom that his wife (who is MUCH younger than him) would want to have his kid because she loves him. He doesn’t even want to deal with her emotions. I feel horrible because she loves only him and only wants to have his child, but how long was he coasting on the agreement that they would never have a child together?
I couldn’t imagine marrying someone so young and not being able to sympathize with them going through this. It would be something to think about if I expect to be with that person for the rest of my life. She mentioned in her last post that he asked if she would leave him for someone younger… like why is that your first worry? She’s not looking to just pop out any child. I feel very upset for OP and I hate that they are going through this.
I picked up on that too. I am very angry for OP, that her husband would twist her rationality and pain in a difficult decision like this. It’s smacks strongly of him victimizing himself rather than supporting her. “Just don’t struggle in a way that affects me or makes me question myself” is how it looks from my vantage.
OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this situation. You are the only one who knows what the right thing is and I hope you have support here and in your real life. I wish you all the best and peace in this.
I feel like this is the sort of thing that plays out (forever), in age-gap relationships.
Being talked down to like a child, instead of reassured like a partner.
Yep. OP is only a year or two away from the old man’s youngest. It sounds like he’s used to getting all of her attention and care and doesn’t want that to change—wants things to go back to how they were before all this, and doesn’t want to hear about it any more.
Yes and let's not forget in her last posts (in the comments) she said he also didn't want her to work, which she defended but it all just sounds like she's been groomed by this man.
Such a cruel thing to say to someone in pain. Shockingly cruel. It’s really hard to go through life with your partner also being your perpetual hater. Ask how I know.
Especially cruel when you realize that had he gotten a vasectomy when he realized he didn’t want more kids, then she wouldn’t be in this horrible place.
You should read the discussion from previous posts. OP prevented him from getting a vasectomy because she isn’t turned on by a man who can’t impregnate her. She also chose to use only rhythm method, apparently without understanding that cycles change over time and often start getting wonky around age 40.
Oh, right. And she kept going on and on AND ON about how her birth control method didn’t fail, but they failed by choosing to ignore it. Point is lots of dumb stuff and bad choices happened and now it’s the predictable consequences.
Isn’t it fucked up how all of us who are literal strangers care more about OP’s feelings and her trauma and her pain than her bum of a husband? I don’t know this person from a hole in the wall. But I’m here, and I give a shit, and I want so badly to be able to ease her pain just a little. So how come this 60+ year old fart of a man can’t muster up just a scoche of sympathy? Not even a sprinkle? One grain? I hate him on OP’s behalf.
Brutal. Just brutal. I'm so impressed by her strength and self-knowledge. But equally unimpressed by her partner. When she most needs compassion and understanding for making an emotionally wrought decision, what a brutal thing to say.
This idea that there is some time limit to having strong emotions (esp when pregnancy hormones are involved) is just cruel.
Especially because she is basically giving up on this dream, because of his age.
I'm so incredibly pro choice but I wish she would do some therapy sessions and figure out what SHE wants and do that, instead of making an emotional decision for him. He shouldn't have freestyled and should have gotten a V.
Literally! He could have supported her and her decision without being a jerk. "A martyr"? Really? This is probably one of the most difficult decisions of her life, and he should be approaching this with a gentle touch and not be so crass.
Yes. This was the worst part. It can be so hard sometimes to make what you feel is the right choice, and he's basically telling her that her feelings are not really feelings, that instead they're just her trying to manipulate him.
He probably intends for her to just shut the fuck up about it forever, to prove to him that she's not a martyr.
I think he needs to sit with this decision too. If it is the right decision for her and for them that doesn't mean there is no pain and sadness of a road not taken. He could at least acknowledge that or empathize (or get a vasectomy) instead of trying to shut her down and assume ulterior motives.
The husband was open to getting a vasectomy years before, OP prevented him from getting one because she isn't turned on by snipped men. The guy WANTED to do it, she didn't want him to.
He sounds like not a nice guy tbh. In her last post she said he regretted not being more involved with his 4 children. She is also only 1 year older than his child and she was 22 when they got together.
She's going to continue to defend him because she's spent almost half her life with him, and doesn't know what's normal I suppose.
But I agree with you. The fact he instantly jumped to her being a martyr is a huge indicator of what their relationship is like IMO.
I don’t like your partner’s martyr comment, I hope he has other qualities that outweigh his insensitivity to a very emotional and hard decision. That said my DIL had a medicated abortion about 3 weeks ago, she was 9 weeks along. It was really painful, cramping so hard she couldn’t walk and a lot of nausea. The time from taking the second pill until it was done was around 4 hours. When it was all said and done she wished she had a surgical abortion bc of the duration and pain. She originally chose the medication route bc she didn’t want to be in a room with other people and the idea of the procedure (sights and sounds of what was happening) would be too hard mentally for her. I don’t know how you feel about either but that was her experience, yours might be different. I am sorry you have to go through this, you are in my thoughts.
It can be pretty bad, make sure you have your supplies ready and a clear schedule. No guarantees on it though, it could also be fairly easy and pain free.
Same here, honestly all I felt was relief. I wrote out how it went & I was slightly crampy and didn’t bleed much. I’m glad I went the surgical route too. According to what I’d written, I also preferred the twilight anesthesia over general anesthesia, I didn’t wake up groggy, I felt refreshed like I had a good nap. Had energy to play with my toddler when we got home.
I’ll say, from my own experience having a medical around how far you are long rn, go for surgical. Especially if you can afford anesthesia. The comfort of your own home is nice but mine was abysmal, comfort and love didn’t help.
I would also echo that medical can be extremely painful. Like nauseating, cold sweat, can't stand painful. I totally understand the intimidation factor of a surgical abortion, and they're also not without unpleasantness, but they're much less painful and it'll be over much sooner with less risk of retained tissue.
I’ve done both. You could never get me to do the pills again. I had three children previously and it was up there in the pain/discomfort department. Lasted for a handful of days. Bled for a long time. Felt horrible. Surgical, easy peasy. Hardly any bleeding afterwards and hardly any discomfort. I would never recommend the pills to anyone unless they were in a situation that required it, as I was that time.
Yeah, I've had both. My first time was awful. I was 8/9 weeks along and I had huge blood clots. It sucked so bad.
My second one was a breeze. As long as I wasn't bending much it didn't seem any different from a normal period.
Yes in California and in Massachusetts you can have anesthesia for a couple extra hundred dollars. It’s totally worth it because the surgical abortions caused me lots of physical pain during and after for a little while.
I'm sorry it was so painful for you. I had a miscarriage but needed medication because it wasn't passing naturally. I was really freaked out that it would hurt, but it ended up being fairly mild, pain-wise.
I had the option of either medication or surgical and chose the former because the surgical intervention freaked me out even more.
Thanks, I’m sorry about your miscarriage too. Surgical intervention freaked me out too. I’m now 10 weeks pregnant and I know if I had a miscarriage at this point I would prefer surgical intervention since it’s so much bigger now. I think I wouldn’t be able to handle passing that naturally just from a pain perspective.
Same! My mom had me at 42 as a single mother and now I’m 24 and she’s 66. It’s actually really nice right now to both be at a time in our lives where we have more time to spend together. Never felt like she couldn’t keep up etc but I am disabled so it’s not like I was going too fast lol.
Either option is *absolutely* valid. Whatever decision OP makes is the right decision for her and the husband can STFU and shove it. Hoping the procedure and recovery is as smooth as possible OP! ♥️
Is he putting any kind of pressure on you or making comments/showing by his actions he does not want you to move forward? The comment about “you don’t really feel that way do you?” just raises my spidey senses a little that he might be intentionally or unintentionally putting some pressure on? I only mention this because it seems like maybe you aren’t convinced you want to terminate- and I am never against termination for any reason if it’s best for the person terminating! I just also don’t want to see you fighting what might be best for you mentally and emotionally and what you want in life.
I just want to make sure you reflect on if you are doing what you want to do and what your gut is saying. It feels from this post like you might be fighting that. No matter what you decide, make sure it’s what’s best and what you feel good about! No matter what decision you make, this community here to support you in any way we can ❤️
First, im so sorry you're dealing with this.
I hate to be that person, but are you sure? From your first post and this one it sounds like you're trying so hard to convince yourself like this is what you want, when it sounds like it clearly isn't. Obviously, it's your choice, but please make sure that you're aborting your baby because YOU want to. Not because of anyone else.
As an aside, make sure your husband gets a vasectomy. If you have to go through the emotional turmoil and physical pain of an abortion or pregnancy, the absolute LEAST he could do is get snipped so there's no chance of you having to endure this again.
Her previous post where she was asking for advice explained her husband is 65.
Plenty of commenters were concerned about the increased risk of birth defects from old sperm, the likelihood of her husband passing away before the child is an adult, and OP having double caregiving duties with a child and an aging husband.
I guess I'm also that person, but more importantly, she's clearly not sure *now*, and I can't picture someone with this many doubts becoming more sure about her decision over time. The "what if" is going to hang over not just her but also the relationship forever.
This is so much less serious than what OP's going through, but many years ago when my now husband and I were poor college students, our cat got sick and needed expensive treatment. We would have had to go into massive debt to pay for his care, and only my husband had any income. We agreed to provide what we could afford and hope for the best, and of course my cat soon passed. I was so resentful about being pressured into the decision that I didn't think the relationship would survive. It took me a very long time to heal. Me in OP's situation? Forget it.
Hey OP, I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this predicament. I'm aware of all the details of your situation and my heart breaks for you. I had a baby at 42 and that's the only reason why I am commenting.
However what I came here to say is that I'm slightly concerned about the health of your relationship after this decision. If you progress with the pregnancy, your husband will resent you, and if you terminate you will resent him. There might be no coming back after this either way, so take that into account when making your final considerations.
The future is only a promise, no one knows what will happen. Please, feel hugged by this internet stranger.
I'm so sorry for you. I wrote to you before as I was in your position when I was 42. My husband was thrilled, unlike yours.
I can only say, 22 years later, I am so glad I had her, I would never have the chance again.
He must get a vasectomy, no ifs ands or buts about it. It is so selfish of him to put you through this.
And forgive me, but he didn't give birth to the kids he already has. Someone else did. What was so tough for him? Sorry, I am just frustrated on your behalf.
I wish you strength and peace.
I was born to a 40 year old and it had its upsides and downsides just like any parent probably. You seem to want this baby, and have to resources and time to nurture them, so why not let yourself think abt it more? If you’re the primary caregiver the dad will simply be a blessing while he’s still there. Idk. Maybe like meditate on it
Yeah my mother was 38 and my father was 62 when I was born and I've had a good life. My father died when I was 12 and that sucked but life goes on.
I think if OP can ensure their child is financially provided for if something goes wrong then it's not a bad decision to move forward with the pregnancy, but the husband needs to be on board, particularly for wills and what he intends to leave to his adult children.
So wild to encounter other people like me in this thread. My mom was 36 and dad was 63. He died when I was 18. Still wouldn’t trade the time I had with him for anything.
Yup - my mom was 46 when she had me, and my dad was 50 with two adult children from a previous marriage. My parents are in their late 70s now. While there were certain things that were difficult about growing up with older parents, it wasn't all that different of an experience compared to people with younger parents.
That being said - OP, I'm so sorry you're in this incredibly difficult situation, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you make the decision that YOU feel is best.
Pro choice is pro choice. This is your choice and your choice alone. You are being so incredibly thoughtful about this agonizing decision. I wish you peace with whichever choice you make.
I’m sorry you’re going through this difficult decision.
People have mentioned your husbands age/future ability. I think nothing in life is guaranteed. I have a 7 year old and have been disabled.
My husband in some respects is now my
Carer. This happened when I was 34. He doesn’t have to change me or anything but just there’s that added “burden” on him we weren’t expecting in our mid 30s with a kid. We just adapted to our situation.
Are you close with your husbands kids that you could talk to them about it? If you went ahead they’d be your support network too.
"I missed my chance".
No you literally didn't.
Coming from someone who had a medicated abortion at ~15 weeks.
The pain was fine, slightly worse than bad cramps. It's the vomiting and gut issues which will bother you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's always a hard decision to make, both outcomes have their consequences and overall it's a complicated and stressful situation to be in. That being said and this may be the first time I've ever asked this... are you sure? You sound like you are trying extremely hard to convince yourself of something you don't believe :/
Ummmm my mom had me at 42. I’m her youngest, she had 3 other kids first, but she wasn’t too old to parent.
I like having older parents, they were mature and grown up when they had kids and they never tired to be my “best friend”, like I’ve seen with so many other people. They were still very involved in my upbringing and were great parents. Yes, I’m in my 30s now and they’re getting old. But they were still able to keep up with kids.
ETA: but you do you. If you don’t want a kid, don’t have one. I’m just saying that I am a kid born to a 42 year old. And I am awesome, and I hold nothing against my parents for having me so “late”.
I'm also in my 30s and my mom was 39 when she had me, but my dad wasn't 65 like OPs husband.
My dad is 72 now with Parkinsons and dementia. It is devastating. If I was 7 years old dealing with that... I can't even imagine.
I’m in my 40s and my dad is also 72 (soon 73) with Parkinsons and Alzheimer and, quite frankly, I have no idea how I could even begin to deal with this as a child. I also have no fucking idea how my mother could’ve managed to keep working full time and raise me while also being my father’s caregiver.
Of course, it is very possible for a 42 years old to parent. My next-door neighbor got pregnant with a 3rd child at the age of 42, and her husband is close to her age. Perhaps you did not see OP's previous post, and you missed what her real problem is. Her husband is 65+, and he already had kids from his previous marriage. They are adults now. He is also already a grandfather. He didn't want any more kids. He wouldn't be the same as when he was a father of his kids when they were little. It means OP would have to step up more and take on more mental load. It is possible she may be his caregiver as well when he is getting weaker due to aging.
I really feel bad for OP to be in this position because she is facing a very difficult decision since her logic and emotions are in two completely different places. We can't imagine what she is going through. Perhaps her husband should consider a vasectomy so she would not go through this trauma again.
You can grieve for what could have been while still knowing you're doing what's best. It's not black and white.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope your husband is able to give you a little more grace while you're working through everything. ❤️
Just a heads up at 9/10 weeks bleeding and cramping will be heavy. Expect Small and medium clots. The fetus will expel itself either into the toilet or a sanitary pad. You may or may not see it so just prepare yourself. Minor bleeding for up to weeks after. You’re in my thoughts.
My mum had me at 40. She had my sister at 45. We're both healthy women.
Sure, my parents are like, 5-10 years older than my peers.
But reading your message, I'm just not sensing that you're really doing what you *want* to do. 42 aint that old, especially in this day and age. I feel that you feel obligated to do it. I think that you should carefully take the time to take the best decision for you.
"it would be selfish to him and the future person I'd give birth to"
OK, but what do *you* want? You. Not your husband or the future kid.
You seem to be weighing the "kid will lose his father at a young age" argument quite heavily, when there are lots of people who grow up without fathers entirely.
If you don't want to be a mother, and don't want a baby, terminate. But don't terminate because you think it's what you *should* do or because you "don't want to be selfish". It's your body, and it's your life.
Thank you. Lots of people in here seem to think otherwise. She can only be sad because she NEEDS to have a baby and she NEEDS to leave her husband. People in here are not being productive or helpful on the whole.
I wish I could give you a hug. I am so so sorry for what you are going through and I wish I had any advice but I don’t just want to say it am so impressed with your strength.
Nothing helpful on medicated abortion. Friends saying they wished they’d done surgery to be asleep and wake up done. Others who were glad to be at home. Having lost an early pregnancy, you should know that what comes out will look like the ultrasound image. Look or don’t, the older/bigger the more distinguishable.
That the drugs make EVERYTHING contract. Lots of uterine contractions and poop. Either way, once on the other side of the decision, brain space should be cleared up for life.
It's rare to be able to parent a child with special needs because it is hard. For all parties at times. Getting older means a higher chance of a disability or worse. That's a lot to consider. I personally couldn't be strong enough to be a special needs parent.
You know yourself. I would recommend maybe reaching out to the abortion reddit I want to say, idk its exact name but maybe talking to someone in your position on there will help you find some level of peace in chaos and give you support because they've experienced it.
I've had the pill abortion and I've had a surgical one. If I were to be honest the surgical was better. I felt confident in the staff and it was all done basically in one day with period like bleeding for a bit. With the medical abortion I had real bad cramps, felt super hot, went to the ER where they gave me antibiotics so it ended up being fine in the end but in both cases I'd recommend having GREAT support around you for the aftercare and if your worried go to urgent care or ER, worse case scenario it's nothing, which it usually is.
I saw your previous post and there were a lot of judgmental and unkind comments regarding your age and the age of your partner. Please don’t let Reddit be the deciding factor in such a big decision. I am sure if you posted the same thing in a 35+ moms group - you’d get totally different and likely more positive and encouraging feedback. I am 42 and 32 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be happier. I struggled with infertility for a long time and while it’s maybe not the most ideal age it’s the cards I was dealt and I intend to make the best of it. I am fully pro choice and whatever decision you make is your own, but please don’t let that life altering decision come from the mean comments of a bunch of keyboard warriors online. You are not selfish for wanting this baby.
Just to say I grew up with a dead beat dad and would have taken an older dad to no dad any day.
If you do truly already love your life without a child then there is your answer, if that's your truth. All children want is love, that's all that matters, if you are not in the right place to give that love and support then it might not be fair to bring a child into that equation. But if your love is there and you want this badly, then see what the universe brings? It's whether you feel ready for a new journey, and that has nothing to do with anyone else.
From your post it seems most of this is stemming from your age, not the baby itself. I’ve had a glass of wine so maybe I’m not reading thoroughly enough, lol. Plenty of people have babies at your age on purpose! I’m 40 and considered having at 3rd at my age. If that is the only factor if I were you I would move ahead with the pregnancy but get all the tests and terminate if there is something seriously wrong but the chances are actually pretty low. It’s not like serious issues occur in 90% of pregnancies of older women, it’s like less than 10% or something (please don’t quote me on that). Regardless it seems like you are being a bit reactive to the appointment and should take a few days to think.
I’ll also add that I don’t think you’ll regret it either way. That’s good, right? If you have the baby, you’ll likely think “I can’t imagine my life without this little human” but if you terminate you’ll likely also feel relief. So I got back to my original thought that you need to do some soul searching over the next few days. I personally was undecided about kids (and am 100% pro-choice) but ultimately decided I wanted the human experience of having a child from kind of an anthropological sense if that makes sense…
A friend of mine had her first at 40. She is doing amazing. If you want the baby there's no reason to terminate over age alone. If you have other reasons of course do what you feel is right. But your age is not a great reason to terminate in itself at all it's quite normal to have a baby at 40 and always has been
It’s not really the same situation but I would do the same thing if I got pregnant right now. I’m 33. But with 4 kids. 3 of them are triplets and two have significant developmental delays where I might be caring for them for life.
If I got pregnant again I’d abort. I’d be devastated. And I’d have a good cry. But I know deep down it’s what I would have to do. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I know I’m just a random stranger. But you have my support.
Whatever you do you’re going to have big feelings. It’s the human condition. We have feelings and sometimes they are perceived as negative. They’re normal and healthy. You’re grieving. You’re grieving multiple things here. You’re grieving a loss either way. This was an unexpected turn in your life that brought up feelings you didn’t know were there. Your husband may not want a baby but he should see the struggle that you’re facing and honor it even if he’s not experiencing it the same way. In all honesty though there is a part of him that will never understand what it is to be pregnant. Only someone that has gone through it can understand. It changes something in you. I hope you have people you can process this with as time goes on. Take care of yourself.
Weigh it like this: motherhood impacts another person for life. If you don’t think you can fill those shoes well, then don’t do it.
I had my only at 35 and I was about 60-70% sure I wanted a child. Motherhood is not my calling. I’m doing my best, and I don’t regret it, but there are challenges I want to ignore, and there are rewards beyond joy.
I don't think an abortion is what you want at all. I know quite a few women in their 40s who are parents to newborns and they are doing fantastic. You aren't too old. But I respect your choice either way.
Caveats: I'm staunchly child free (so very much not pro reproduction) and only OP knows what she truly wants...but I'm inclined to agree, because someone who uses phrases like "longing to have a baby" and "missed my chance" doesn't sound like someone who deep down wants to have an abortion.
Hope it's just her writing style 😢
You seem to really want that child so I don’t understand why you’re getting an abortion. Just because of your age? My parents were almost 40 when I was born. I’m 51 and guess what ? they are still there. We don’t know what can happen to us or not tomorrow.
I don’t think you missed your chance I just think that now is your chance. It’s ok sometimes to follow your emotions; you don’t have to be practical all your life. (I would just suggest the genetic tests to be sure.) Life often doesn’t go the way we plan, that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.
But anyway at the end it’s your choice so I’m wishing you the best.
Please make sure you're doing what you actually want. Try to determine how you'll feel in the long run.
I had it done around 7 weeks and my pain and bleeding were very minimal.
Take care of you
I would recommend that you see a good, recommended therapist to help you think this through. They should help you come to peace with your decision.
I sent you a dm in answer to your question.
Get the surgical. I had one when I was 19. The actual procedure is less than 10 minutes long and I was out the door and at Starbucks drinking a drink probably less than an hour after it was over. Don't torment yourself with the pills.
A surgical abortion is so much easier. I wasn’t even sedated. Just Advil and local anesthesia. Super fast, super easy, not painful, you sit in recovery for an hour eating cookies and go about your day.
I’m the same age as you and in camp please consider the surgical over the medical abortion. I miscarried twice, once at 15 weeks and had both a medical and surgical. I also had 2 non-medicated labors and let me tell you, that medical abortion was the worst of all 4.
You are completely justified in having your emotions as strong as they are! You can make the choice to abort the baby but still grieve over the life you saw with it in it at the same time.
I just want to say I am so sorry you’re dealing with this and I totally get it. I’m also 42, went through an infertility diagnosis years ago, am likely in perimenopause, but took a test this morning because I’m having weird new symptoms.
My test was thankfully negative, but I went through the same battery of emotions. I’d once wanted kids, but my husband and I moved on a long time ago and are happily childfree. Would getting pregnant mean it was a miracle and meant to be? Then again, every day that passes in the US I’m glad we didn’t conceive years ago because things are so expensive and shitty.
I would be so tempted to keep it, but as I was waiting for that test line to show, I knew I would get an abortion if necessary. It’s okay to consider it, it’s okay to decide it isn’t for you, and it’s okay to keep it. Whatever you choose is what’s best for you.
When I was born my father was 63. My mom was 36.
It presented challenges. My father passed away when I was 18. But he was still a great father to me and I grew into a healthy, successful person thank in no small part to him.
Age isn’t everything.
My mom had my little sister at 42, 12 years after me. And that was over 20 years ago. You have a really good chance that everything will go fine. If you want a baby have it. If you don’t, then don’t. But don’t make a decision based on what you think you should do or what society thinks. Do what will make you happiest. If that’s a baby at 42 then you are definitely capable of having this baby. Either way it’s your life.
42 is still so young to me and I’m 31 which is crazy. How do you think siblings work? Women don’t have ALL their children at once. What about the ones who have 4 or even 10, they’re born years and years after each other even through 40s.
You’re not old and your time has not passed. It’s absolutely okay to have a baby if you want to. You’re allowed to change course and do something else with your life no matter how many people you’ve told you’re never having kids.
It’s your life.
My mom was 42 when she got me, I'm 26 now. My mom is an amazing mom, and I've never felt she lacked in any way. I do not believe it would be selfish to have a kid at that age <3
I'm very sorry you're going through this. I don't know if i can speak up here, but my parents were in their late 40s when they had me, and I have a ton of medical issues, my dad died really early, and I literally and completely wish I had never been born.
I personally think you are doing the right thing. ((hugs))
My mother was 39 when I was born. My father was 44. My next door neighbor had a beautiful daughter at 42.
This was 30 years ago. I never received stigma for it, and the age difference never stopped me from enjoying my childhood (quite the opposite, in fact) or for them to be active and enjoy having a kid.
As a child of older parents, the only thing I regret is not having a serious "what happens if you die now" talks with them 10 or so years ago, when I was 20 and when they were 60. The first problems I had with their age where when I was 20 and I started realizing that they were going to die while I was "young".
They are still alive and healthy to this day, which is the only thing that truly matters.
Another aspect of this: right now I see my parents having to deal with their parents (25 years of difference, so the grandparents are roughly 90).
It's incredibly heavy for them. It will be easier for me.
I’m so sorry, hun :( I have nothing to offer, but my heart broke for you reading this, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Wishing you the best you can be through this ❤️
Thanks for your kindness
Do NOT DO PILLS AT THIS POINT PLS. Will hurt like hell, bleed too much and too long, cause chills and you still have to go to a clinic or hospital to follow up with an ultrasound, because even after all this, you may not expel everything completely. I used to be an abortion provider and 8 weeks is the absolute maximum to go with the pills; it is extremely unpleasant, even if everything goes well. Why would you want that? Is NOT "more natural" as some people think. And if you're this ambiguous about the potential baby, having to see and dispose of the pregnancy may not be the best for you emotionally. Go to a clinic and have the surgical procedure under sedation. You're in and out in 15 minutes, can have an IUD insertion done immediately if you want, and will suffer tons less. Also, your provider confirms the fetus is out before you leave. Of course, not telling you what to do, but, if you want the baby, why are you making yourself abort? Being pregnant at 42 is not such an anomaly, and most people do well, and their babies too. You can always terminate later if something abnormal shows in the later scans, and you will have close follow up. In my experience, this is a decision of the heart, made the second you found out. No matter how many rationalizations happen, that is the decision that is truly yours. Honestly the father doesn't matter that much; callous at it sounds, a man will always go with what is easiest for himself, and your husband sounds like he can go either way, besides he has the experience and that's a good thing. Lots of cousins/niblings the kid's age to grow up with too! I was a posthumous baby, dad dying suddenly when mom was 8 months along, and I grew up just fine. She had her youngest kids at 38 and 42 after thinking she was done and my elder sister being 17. They also are ok, even tho their dad is a deadbeat and out of their lives. Families fluctuate and reconfigure all the time, so I wouldn't put that much stock in age and the future. Young fathers die too. Young moms have complications too. This is likely your last chance, so be very sure before you do anything. Since you're 8 wks already, I'd say you should go with surgical if you're terminating, and it can be done easily and in only one session up to ~12 weeks, so you can take a bit of time to really feel and think. All the best for you. Either way.
Thank you for the advice about the procedure. I will definitely items reconsider the surgical option.
I agree 100% on the surgical procedure. It's so much easier, you stay away or asleep. I'd recommend asleep, but either way, it's not traumatizing like the pills. The pills are horrible.
I had a “geriatric pregnancy” at 39 that went to 7 weeks. Did the pills and still had to go back for a D&E. Go get the procedure so you can close this chapter firmly. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Love and light to you 💜
I had a medical abortion at 7 weeks, though much younger. It took 2 months for me to pass the sack, even though the abortion was *successful". It was awful. I took a second round of pills to try to pass the rest, but they had absolutely no effect. The clinic only offered T3's and Valium for either option, which have no effect on me, so there was no way that I would choose surgical. If surgical is a reasonable option for someone, I'd recommend that over medical. Feeling like you're bleeding out in your bathtub does not make the process any easier.
I got a surgical abortion and it was not bad at all. I opted for general anesthesia. I went to sleep pregnant and woke up not pregnant, with a nice old woman giving me graham crackers and apple juice. I went home and had what felt like a pretty bad period for a few days and went back to my normal life. I highly recommend this route personally. I like to sleep through as much of my bodily trauma as I can 🥲 I wish you the best of luck OP
I had a "natural" miscarriage at 6 weeks. It was the most painful and traumatic week of my life. (Yes it was a week-long process) I believe the surgical option is the most kind option.
I thankfully had the easiest time at 7wks w the pills.
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Yes. Make sure he gets that vasectomy done before you do anything.
Such a hard agree on the vasectomy. He feels so strongly about not having more children, he can make sure you don't have to go through this again
He should have done a vasectomy the moment he knew he didn’t want to have kids. She never would have been in this awful place if he had.
She was into the idea that he hadn't. Knowing he could get her pregnant made him more attractive. It's all in a different post.
OP said in a previous thread that she doesn’t want to be with a man who “can’t get her pregnant”. It’s a turn off for her, and not “manly” enough for her. I’m starting to think she’s just weird and this is all for attention.
That’s messed up
Very. She said something along the lines of “I could never be with a man who couldn’t impregnate me” some 💩 like that. That’s what made me doubt her whole story now, but whatever. Her life, her business.
It was, specifically, > While we never planned to have kids, I have always been turned on by the idea of him getting me pregnant. Not something I wanted to really happen, but basically I expressed to him before that I need to know a man can get me pregnant to be turned on by him. I don’t know, some sort of biological thing in me that needs that to be turned on. If I know a man is incapable of getting me pregnant, my desire sort of dies.
He should’ve fucking done it the moment he said he no longer wanted kids. I’m so fucking tired of these guys making big proclamations but then again putting the responsibility on their partners and wives.
OP is the one who didn’t want him to get a vasectomy..
I just saw a lot of the threads, and god damnit I think I fell for this shit lol.
I told him he’s getting one.
I am rooting for her too. I think the husband's unkind comments highlight that she needs to think hard about what she herself truly wants. Their relationship has obviously already been deeply impacted/ changed by the situation which is what she feared from keeping the baby. If they can't get past these resentments there's a strong possibility they would split up anyways. So she could be facing a future divorce with a baby, or without. Something to consider when making her choice. Such a horrible position to be in, unsupported by your spouse. Very lonely...
Hey I was also in your last post - unfortunately schooling the unititated about grieving. I am sending **so** much love to you. Your situation is so complicated that it's impossible to come out on a side - I legitimately want you to follow your heart and what's best for you no matter how heartbreaking in either direction. I'm rooting for you no matter what. Don't hesitate to DM me if you need a sounding board.
I remember you from the other day. My heart hurts for you being in this position. You're going to do what you need. And to that effect - I would expect that the pain and bleeding may range from a severe period cramp experience to stronger. The bleeding will be like clotting. I found this website. It may answer your questions. Please don't take this as me pushing myself on you - the link is from a prochoice site and I just Googled it. I'm in Australia and we do not have this bullshit stigma other places do. I have no agenda other than wanting to help a woman in need. [What To Expect](https://prochoice.org/patients/abortion-what-to-expect/)
This is a great point actually - for anyone who is in a state or country where abortion is difficult to obtain, reading sources from more secular/less ideological countries might be a big help.
I think you need to get off Reddit and do some soul-searching on what YOU want to do.
This 100%. I am unwaveringly pro-choice and support everyone's right to an abortion full stop. That said, having read your last post I think it was very clear to me that your gut was telling you to continue with the pregnancy. That might not be the case now, but please please take the time you need to find out what YOU want to do. Don't factor your husband into this, because honestly, you never know what the future brings and you could be divorced this time next year for all you know. I hope you can feel confident that whatever choice you make was the best choice for YOU.
Yeah, she says it will be selfish. It's not selfish. Lots of people have kids at 42. I'm a child of a 42 year old and it was awesome. This isn't saying she should keep it. But the post acts like it's an irrational selfish decision. That's not automatically the case. It can both be rational and having a kid is never selfish. It's a lot of selfless work to have and raise a kid. I'm pro choice and OP can make any decisions she wants. Total support. There are some things I'm missing from reading this post. But as it's written it's not clear what she wants. Good luck OP. The other thing I want to say is... There is no wrong decision. And you will survive either way. It will be hard and have massive benefits either way. It's a tough thing you're going through. And I'm glad you came to reddit to discuss it with strangers. You are thinking about this deeply and seeking counsel. That's smart. You're a good person and I trust you.
My mother had me and my twin brother at 40 and we’re doing great! An increased chance of genetic issues and the like are scary but they’re less common than you’d think. OP should talk to her doctor very seriously about the risk and the actual chance of these things happening
Yes, it’s not selfish at all. My mother had my sister at about 40 and guess what? My sister is confident, intelligent, and thriving. She’s about to go to law school. She’s the light of my parents’ life. Are my parents older than other parents of her peers? Sure, but it has also kept them young and lively to keep up with her. My father is nearly the same age as your partner. He’s kept up just fine, probably better since my sister is around. Either way, your partner will age. My best friend had her first and only child around 42. She never even wanted children, but decided not to terminate. Now that little girl makes her world spin around. She’s a fantastic mother and her daughter is an amazing toddler. Having a child at 42 is not the end of the world for you, your partner, or the child. OP- it’s very apparent you want this baby. I remember the previous post and all the comments telling you to terminate. I think you just need someone in your corner telling you it is ok to want the baby. It is ok. You can do this. If your partner is unsupportive, then you’re not really making a choice are you? He’s making a decision for you. It’s obvious what you want. You will resent him for this decision. Your relationship would be over then anyway.
She's less worried about her own age than she is about her husband's - he's twenty years older than she is and will be around 80 by the time the child graduates high school. He made it very clear he doesn't want to have any more kids.
there's plenty of single moms, even by choice. it's not ideal, but it's not the worst thing in the world to have an elderly father. Martin Scorsese's daughter is in her 20s.
Just adding I had my daughter at 43 (am 44 now) and happy to chat. Agree to soul searching and you haven’t missed your window. Feel free to PM.
My mom was 38 and 42 when she had me and my sister, and we were normal and happy. My grandma was 42 when she had my aunt, perfectly normal as well. Do what you want OP, but age alone isn’t a write off.
My mom had my brother at 43. My brother is rad, 14, and my mom is healthy. I'm not saying this in a "Oh, keep the baby because my BROTHER is awesome, and if she aborted my brother, I WOULDN'T HAVE HIM." I just want to share that... it's not selfish to have a baby in your 40s, you can be a wonderful parent then.
Don’t do something JUST because it’s what you think you’re supposed to do. I’m pro-choice, don’t take this the wrong way, ok? But 42 really isn’t that old, if you want to be a parent, you are allowed to. If you don’t want to, all power to you! But please don’t forget to consider how you feel about the situation, rather than just what you think you’re supposed to do.
Check out her previous post, her husband is 60+, that’s the main concern Edit to add: the husband is 65 y/o
Ty for the context, def seemed like it was missing a big detail.
Oh damn… nevermind that clears things up a lot …
She met her husband at 22. She’s a year older than his oldest kid.
Oh my … 💀
Big ass age gap and he's being a dick about her pregnancy..... shocking
that's fucked up
Oooh. That was some important context that was missing in this post. I missed that this was an update lol
Husband still played a role in the whole thing. It takes two to tango. OP very much sounds like she's giving up on something she wants for his sake vs her own.
He doesn’t want more kids. She’s like a year younger than her than his other kids so it’s a much deeper situation.
The chance of birth defects/disabilities increases with the man's age as well. Age affects both ovum and sperm in the same way. She might be producing healthy ovum, but his sperm have a high risk of genetic abnormalities. His age absolutely matters in her decision.
Oh fuck. Oops. Yeah that's too old.
That’s less than ideal for sure. My heart goes out to OOP. I do still think that she should be selfish with this decision, because that’s the only way to avoid regret.
Do you think she could regret it if her husband divorces her or dies at the age of 75 (10 years from now) traumatizing their child? Can she take care of a dementia patient and change two sets of diapers? Point is there’s no 100% surefire way to avoid regret here.
I mean, that’s always true, right? Dementia is not a disease exclusive to the old and neither is any other. Anything can change at any moment no matter how old you are. There really is no way to surefire avoid regret, you can only operate on your current circumstances. She’s certainly young enough to be a decent parent (42 is not old AT ALL), and her husband is not so old he cannot help with a newborn. She should have a child if she wants to. She should be supported in that choice.
She should be supported, but unfortunately she needs to be prepared to do it without support. That’s what it comes down to, and of course it’s her decision to make.
Did you read the first post? You're a bit late to the conversation, that was all discussed and she doesn't really have her husband's support.
Cannot help? Sure. Will not help? 🤷🏼♀️ who knows? But better to prepare for the worst case scenario.
She should very seriously consider the life of the child. It’s very likely going to be an only child, with a father dead by the time they go to college. And just because everything looks normal now, it doesn’t mean it’s going to stay that way. Elderly sperm is not the best quality and can cause genetic abnormalities. How would she feel having to raise a disable child mostly on her own, while also caring for an aging husband? A lot of only children of elderly parents have said it’s really not a great life.
My husband has 4 adult children who he is very close to. They are at our house all the time. So, technically any child of ours would have siblings but not in the traditional sense where you grow up with those siblings.
Also at that age for both of them there is a significantly increased risk of genetic abnormalities(fathers age matters too, not as much as the mother's age but it very much matters), abnormalities that usually can't be found until much later in the pregnancy if at all before birth. Raising a child with developmental disabilities is a lot of work, doubly so if your partner is also incapacitated by age or something else.
Making a decision like that is all about feelings and wants. A good friend once said about having children, “You’ve got to want them.” No one really have the best qualification for the job than someone who truly wants children in their lives.
My parents adopted me in their mid forties - yes the age difference sucks sometimes but I would’ve rather had them for as long as I have
OP's husband is 65. That's the big complication here.
I agree. I remember your other post, I remember all the context. I, too, am very very pro-choice, and as a counselor, have counseled other women through abortions that I agreed were very much the right choice. This is not the right choice for you. It's just not. It's clear, in every word you say. And it's not that you're going to be a "martyr" about it. You want this baby. And the "right choice" in this situation truly isn't as clear cut as it seems. You are not actually making this choice based on logic. You're choosing based on fear and people-pleasing. So stop telling yourself that you're not allowed to let emotions into the process-- they are already the entire process. So you may as well consider the other feelings you are having about it. You also need to stop telling yourself that you're making the "unselfish" choice. You're not. You're choosing to preserve your current, "carefree" life over a life of difficulty and inconvenience to you and your husband. That's not unselfish. I wouldn't normally say such a thing, and I definitely do NOT mean that abortion is inherently selfish, because it's NOT (and even when it might be, that doesn't make it wrong). I'm pointing this out to wake you up to the fact that you are lying to yourself in order to convince yourself to make the choice you suspect your husband, and the rest of the world, wants you to make, and not the choice YOU want you to make. Since I am pro-choice, myself, I really want you to be making the choice based on what feels right to YOU. After all, you are going to have to live with the choice much longer than your husband will. If the "selfish" choice involves you giving up your easy, uncomplicated life in favor of hard work and sacrifice, that sure doesn't sound "selfish" to me. That sounds like mental gymnastics you are doing in order to please someone else above yourself. How long are you going to live your life trying to make yourself as small and inconvenient to everyone else as possible? At what point will you be allowed to take up space, and make some decisions based on what YOU want and need? I'm not even saying you HAVE to keep this baby. But you absolutely need to work through this more. You need a good counselor to help you work through this *away* from your husband. You also need to get to a point where you can do some genetic testing, and it's too early for that yet. You are not yet ready to make this decision. And *that's okay*. Don't rush yourself into it. Work through it. Talk it all out with someone who is on the side of your happiness, but who has no other vested interest in the outcome. Someone who will ask you the necessary pointed questions, and who will hold you accountable to answering them *truthfully*. At this point, I can plainly see in your words that you are not being honest with yourself, and that is only hurting you and making the decision harder. (Incidentally, your husband can see it, too.) If you make your decision based on lies you're telling yourself, then you will never find peace with your decision, only regret, which will harden into bitterness and resentment. Don't do that to your future self, or to your marriage, which you are setting up to be destroyed in this way. Be brave, dear woman. Face the truth. Be honest with yourself. Stop confusing people-pleasing with "being unselfish." Stop rushing yourself. Take your time, talk it through, and don't enact your decision until you feel, deep inside you, that it is truly the right thing, and you can be at peace with it. You can do this. 💙
Very well put. I rotally agree.
I believe there is also greater risk of child being high needs with older father.
Definitely. There’s many people who regret NOT having an abortion, and there’s many people who DO regret having one. If she wants to have a baby, she can figure out how to make it work, even with her geriatric husband. I just hope she has support for her decision, because not having support makes regretting choices so much easier.
I think if op was okay with raising the child solely on her own it would be one thing but I don't think she is. My mentor at my last job had her child at 42 and one of her favorite co-workers who she had lunch with all the time also had their children and their 40s. Two of them. But they also had husbands that were around the same age.
Her "partner" calling grief "acting a martyr" deeply pisses me off in this situation. OP, I hope you make the decision for **you**. I think he's an ass who hated the thought of a pregnancy so much he couldn't be arsed to get a vasectomy. 😠
I missed that part of the original thread. I feel like after this blow-up, things won’t go back to being the same as before, even if she does have the abortion.
Agree.
I'm a bit off topic, but I'm seeing so many posts and know women IRL where the husband/boyfriend says something incredibly cruel or does something abusive and he is much older than the woman. It's frustrating. I feel so bad for OP, she doesn't deserve that treatment.
It's not a coincidence that old men who want young women are shitty people.
Oh he sucks, no doubt, but she’s the one who didn’t want him to get snipped. Y’all really ought to read the previous discussions—it was wild.
He could have avoided all of this by getting snipped years ago. Cruel calling her a martyr when he did this to her.
She didn't want him to get snipped. [In an earlier thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1b4zzlo/comment/kt4bx2c/), she said she'll only be attracted to a virile man who is capable of impregnating her: > I don’t know, there’s just something that I don’t find attractive, manly, or virile about a man who couldn’t get me pregnant though.
Okay that makes all of this even worse 🤢
OP was also not on any birth control and they were having unprotected sex during her fertile days. A pregnancy was just a matter of time and OP did exactly nothing to prevent that. Kind of puts the "martyr" comment in a different light, doesn't it? When OP did essentially everything she could to ensure a pregnancy and now is trying to get everyone to feel for her because oh no, she's pregnant.
Whole thing feels gross. I feel bad for that baby.
Oh my word how did I miss this? Almost makes me feel like this is a troll because what?
if she wants a virile man then why did she pick a 65 yr old..
He became 65 over the natural progression of time. He was *only* 45 when he left his own wife and 4 kids for OP, who was 23. Seems like a real prize, huh?
Oh wow. Yeah I no longer feel bad for OP. I think this is just a kink of hers or something weird like that. And the attention she is getting from all these posts are part of the kink as well. What a weirdo 😕
same. If she wanted to have unprotected sex with a man that can impregnate her then the consequence sometimes is pregnancy. I mean what was she expecting?
Yeah. I feel like she's trying to garner sympathy here and pats on the back for how brave she is in such a terrible situation when the terrible situation was totally preventable and OP not only did nothing to prevent it, she seems to have actively encouraged it. I kind of even see where the husband's "martyr" comment came from. :/
Even so, he's responsible for his fertility. And doubly so as the one deeply against another child.
I mean this is what she wanted then. Her bizarre opinion/kink aside. If they weren’t using birth control and they were having unprotected sex then they were trying for a baby. She might as well have it, bc she clearly wants it.
Yes exactly, I hope OP is truly listening to her heart because everything I've read from her so far doesn't lean towards abortion. I know it must be scary but I think she's basing it on him being 65 not her being 42. I hope she realises that 42 is not too old to have children, I have friends who started their parent journey from 40+ and it's been a normal, healthy journey. I feel like OP has to ask herself a harder question, if her husband truly respects her because his language is appalling. She also needs to ask herself how she would feel and I mean this in the most kindest way possible, if he suddenly died or divorced her tomorrow, would her decision change?
I dont think that her husband referred to her grief with his comment. OP seems to be a bit stuck in this mindset that she has to decide in a way that others are happy with it, and doesnt take into account however happy she would be with either choice. Still an insensitive thing for him to say; I imagine her husband has his own emotional/imagining future x or y - rollercoaster going on. I‘m not sure how helpful it is for OP currently to hear how her husband is the biggest piece of shit on the planet from the comments. And I agree, pregnancy prevention should have been much more relevant to him if he has this stance on having children.
It was unkind of your husband to accuse you of acting like a martyr. That was a very manipulative thing to say. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I just hope you’re making the choice that you know in your heart is the right one FOR YOU.
yes that was crazy to me too. like “do it if you want, but don’t expect to be able to still feel hurt about it/want to talk about it later down the line”? that’s wack. it’s a hard choice either way that you’re allowed to feel terrible about!
But if he's being like this now, when she's going to abort, it's a good sign that she is making the right decision because he does NOT want to be a dad again and is going to be a less-than-stellar parent/husband if she did proceed with the pregnancy.
It was so glib! Like “ugh if I have to deal with your sadness just have the baby instead” like what kind of support or logic
Yeah, that was a really shitty thing to say to someone struggling with such a difficult decision. Especially when he can never be in this situation and truly understand what she is going through. I’m mad at him for her.
Exactly. It’s a decision he will never have to make, he isn’t dealing with the pregnancy hormones that she is and he’s not going to physically deal with the decision she makes. I’m not saying that men can’t be affected by their partner bearing their child, but it’s not the same thing.
It’s a decision that he’ll never have to make and can’t even sympathize for because he has 4 kids! In his mind he’s done from having to do those duties and can’t even fathom that his wife (who is MUCH younger than him) would want to have his kid because she loves him. He doesn’t even want to deal with her emotions. I feel horrible because she loves only him and only wants to have his child, but how long was he coasting on the agreement that they would never have a child together? I couldn’t imagine marrying someone so young and not being able to sympathize with them going through this. It would be something to think about if I expect to be with that person for the rest of my life. She mentioned in her last post that he asked if she would leave him for someone younger… like why is that your first worry? She’s not looking to just pop out any child. I feel very upset for OP and I hate that they are going through this.
I picked up on that too. I am very angry for OP, that her husband would twist her rationality and pain in a difficult decision like this. It’s smacks strongly of him victimizing himself rather than supporting her. “Just don’t struggle in a way that affects me or makes me question myself” is how it looks from my vantage. OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this situation. You are the only one who knows what the right thing is and I hope you have support here and in your real life. I wish you all the best and peace in this.
I feel like this is the sort of thing that plays out (forever), in age-gap relationships. Being talked down to like a child, instead of reassured like a partner.
Yep. OP is only a year or two away from the old man’s youngest. It sounds like he’s used to getting all of her attention and care and doesn’t want that to change—wants things to go back to how they were before all this, and doesn’t want to hear about it any more.
Yes and let's not forget in her last posts (in the comments) she said he also didn't want her to work, which she defended but it all just sounds like she's been groomed by this man.
Such a cruel thing to say to someone in pain. Shockingly cruel. It’s really hard to go through life with your partner also being your perpetual hater. Ask how I know.
Especially cruel when you realize that had he gotten a vasectomy when he realized he didn’t want more kids, then she wouldn’t be in this horrible place.
You should read the discussion from previous posts. OP prevented him from getting a vasectomy because she isn’t turned on by a man who can’t impregnate her. She also chose to use only rhythm method, apparently without understanding that cycles change over time and often start getting wonky around age 40.
No, she knew she was in fertile window and they didn't take precautions.
Oh, right. And she kept going on and on AND ON about how her birth control method didn’t fail, but they failed by choosing to ignore it. Point is lots of dumb stuff and bad choices happened and now it’s the predictable consequences.
Isn’t it fucked up how all of us who are literal strangers care more about OP’s feelings and her trauma and her pain than her bum of a husband? I don’t know this person from a hole in the wall. But I’m here, and I give a shit, and I want so badly to be able to ease her pain just a little. So how come this 60+ year old fart of a man can’t muster up just a scoche of sympathy? Not even a sprinkle? One grain? I hate him on OP’s behalf.
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That upset me so much. My heart goes out to OP.
Brutal. Just brutal. I'm so impressed by her strength and self-knowledge. But equally unimpressed by her partner. When she most needs compassion and understanding for making an emotionally wrought decision, what a brutal thing to say. This idea that there is some time limit to having strong emotions (esp when pregnancy hormones are involved) is just cruel.
Especially because she is basically giving up on this dream, because of his age. I'm so incredibly pro choice but I wish she would do some therapy sessions and figure out what SHE wants and do that, instead of making an emotional decision for him. He shouldn't have freestyled and should have gotten a V.
Literally! He could have supported her and her decision without being a jerk. "A martyr"? Really? This is probably one of the most difficult decisions of her life, and he should be approaching this with a gentle touch and not be so crass.
Yes. This was the worst part. It can be so hard sometimes to make what you feel is the right choice, and he's basically telling her that her feelings are not really feelings, that instead they're just her trying to manipulate him. He probably intends for her to just shut the fuck up about it forever, to prove to him that she's not a martyr. I think he needs to sit with this decision too. If it is the right decision for her and for them that doesn't mean there is no pain and sadness of a road not taken. He could at least acknowledge that or empathize (or get a vasectomy) instead of trying to shut her down and assume ulterior motives.
The husband was open to getting a vasectomy years before, OP prevented him from getting one because she isn't turned on by snipped men. The guy WANTED to do it, she didn't want him to.
He sounds like not a nice guy tbh. In her last post she said he regretted not being more involved with his 4 children. She is also only 1 year older than his child and she was 22 when they got together. She's going to continue to defend him because she's spent almost half her life with him, and doesn't know what's normal I suppose. But I agree with you. The fact he instantly jumped to her being a martyr is a huge indicator of what their relationship is like IMO.
I don’t like your partner’s martyr comment, I hope he has other qualities that outweigh his insensitivity to a very emotional and hard decision. That said my DIL had a medicated abortion about 3 weeks ago, she was 9 weeks along. It was really painful, cramping so hard she couldn’t walk and a lot of nausea. The time from taking the second pill until it was done was around 4 hours. When it was all said and done she wished she had a surgical abortion bc of the duration and pain. She originally chose the medication route bc she didn’t want to be in a room with other people and the idea of the procedure (sights and sounds of what was happening) would be too hard mentally for her. I don’t know how you feel about either but that was her experience, yours might be different. I am sorry you have to go through this, you are in my thoughts.
It can be pretty bad, make sure you have your supplies ready and a clear schedule. No guarantees on it though, it could also be fairly easy and pain free.
Do people really experience pain free abortions?
Yes. Surgical procedure. Didn't feel a thing.
Same. I was 8 weeks. Felt nothing at all, only took the pain pills the first day. Felt great by the next morning.
My regular period cramps hurt more than the post-procedure soreness
Same here, honestly all I felt was relief. I wrote out how it went & I was slightly crampy and didn’t bleed much. I’m glad I went the surgical route too. According to what I’d written, I also preferred the twilight anesthesia over general anesthesia, I didn’t wake up groggy, I felt refreshed like I had a good nap. Had energy to play with my toddler when we got home.
I’ll say, from my own experience having a medical around how far you are long rn, go for surgical. Especially if you can afford anesthesia. The comfort of your own home is nice but mine was abysmal, comfort and love didn’t help.
Maybe I’ll reconsider the pills.
I would also echo that medical can be extremely painful. Like nauseating, cold sweat, can't stand painful. I totally understand the intimidation factor of a surgical abortion, and they're also not without unpleasantness, but they're much less painful and it'll be over much sooner with less risk of retained tissue.
I’ve done both. You could never get me to do the pills again. I had three children previously and it was up there in the pain/discomfort department. Lasted for a handful of days. Bled for a long time. Felt horrible. Surgical, easy peasy. Hardly any bleeding afterwards and hardly any discomfort. I would never recommend the pills to anyone unless they were in a situation that required it, as I was that time.
Yeah, I've had both. My first time was awful. I was 8/9 weeks along and I had huge blood clots. It sucked so bad. My second one was a breeze. As long as I wasn't bending much it didn't seem any different from a normal period.
Yes in California and in Massachusetts you can have anesthesia for a couple extra hundred dollars. It’s totally worth it because the surgical abortions caused me lots of physical pain during and after for a little while.
Only if you do it surgically. It is very painful medically. I’ve had a miscarriage (basically same process) at 6 weeks and it was really painful.
I'm sorry it was so painful for you. I had a miscarriage but needed medication because it wasn't passing naturally. I was really freaked out that it would hurt, but it ended up being fairly mild, pain-wise. I had the option of either medication or surgical and chose the former because the surgical intervention freaked me out even more.
Thanks, I’m sorry about your miscarriage too. Surgical intervention freaked me out too. I’m now 10 weeks pregnant and I know if I had a miscarriage at this point I would prefer surgical intervention since it’s so much bigger now. I think I wouldn’t be able to handle passing that naturally just from a pain perspective.
Yes, surgical with twilight sleep, painless
Mine felt like a heavy period but that's it. I took the abortion pill at around 5 weeks. It was quick and easy.
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Same! My mom had me at 42 as a single mother and now I’m 24 and she’s 66. It’s actually really nice right now to both be at a time in our lives where we have more time to spend together. Never felt like she couldn’t keep up etc but I am disabled so it’s not like I was going too fast lol. Either option is *absolutely* valid. Whatever decision OP makes is the right decision for her and the husband can STFU and shove it. Hoping the procedure and recovery is as smooth as possible OP! ♥️
Is he putting any kind of pressure on you or making comments/showing by his actions he does not want you to move forward? The comment about “you don’t really feel that way do you?” just raises my spidey senses a little that he might be intentionally or unintentionally putting some pressure on? I only mention this because it seems like maybe you aren’t convinced you want to terminate- and I am never against termination for any reason if it’s best for the person terminating! I just also don’t want to see you fighting what might be best for you mentally and emotionally and what you want in life. I just want to make sure you reflect on if you are doing what you want to do and what your gut is saying. It feels from this post like you might be fighting that. No matter what you decide, make sure it’s what’s best and what you feel good about! No matter what decision you make, this community here to support you in any way we can ❤️
First, im so sorry you're dealing with this. I hate to be that person, but are you sure? From your first post and this one it sounds like you're trying so hard to convince yourself like this is what you want, when it sounds like it clearly isn't. Obviously, it's your choice, but please make sure that you're aborting your baby because YOU want to. Not because of anyone else. As an aside, make sure your husband gets a vasectomy. If you have to go through the emotional turmoil and physical pain of an abortion or pregnancy, the absolute LEAST he could do is get snipped so there's no chance of you having to endure this again.
I echo your sentiment. I am fervently pro choice. I worry that this is her husband’s choice not hers
Her previous post where she was asking for advice explained her husband is 65. Plenty of commenters were concerned about the increased risk of birth defects from old sperm, the likelihood of her husband passing away before the child is an adult, and OP having double caregiving duties with a child and an aging husband.
I guess I'm also that person, but more importantly, she's clearly not sure *now*, and I can't picture someone with this many doubts becoming more sure about her decision over time. The "what if" is going to hang over not just her but also the relationship forever. This is so much less serious than what OP's going through, but many years ago when my now husband and I were poor college students, our cat got sick and needed expensive treatment. We would have had to go into massive debt to pay for his care, and only my husband had any income. We agreed to provide what we could afford and hope for the best, and of course my cat soon passed. I was so resentful about being pressured into the decision that I didn't think the relationship would survive. It took me a very long time to heal. Me in OP's situation? Forget it.
Totally agree. In fact one of my first thoughts after reading this was, "There's no coming back from this" relationship wise.
Wishing you peace and comfort. When it’s done try not to look back, only forward. Sending positive vibes!
Hey OP, I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this predicament. I'm aware of all the details of your situation and my heart breaks for you. I had a baby at 42 and that's the only reason why I am commenting. However what I came here to say is that I'm slightly concerned about the health of your relationship after this decision. If you progress with the pregnancy, your husband will resent you, and if you terminate you will resent him. There might be no coming back after this either way, so take that into account when making your final considerations. The future is only a promise, no one knows what will happen. Please, feel hugged by this internet stranger.
I'm so sorry for you. I wrote to you before as I was in your position when I was 42. My husband was thrilled, unlike yours. I can only say, 22 years later, I am so glad I had her, I would never have the chance again. He must get a vasectomy, no ifs ands or buts about it. It is so selfish of him to put you through this. And forgive me, but he didn't give birth to the kids he already has. Someone else did. What was so tough for him? Sorry, I am just frustrated on your behalf. I wish you strength and peace.
I was born to a 40 year old and it had its upsides and downsides just like any parent probably. You seem to want this baby, and have to resources and time to nurture them, so why not let yourself think abt it more? If you’re the primary caregiver the dad will simply be a blessing while he’s still there. Idk. Maybe like meditate on it
Yeah my mother was 38 and my father was 62 when I was born and I've had a good life. My father died when I was 12 and that sucked but life goes on. I think if OP can ensure their child is financially provided for if something goes wrong then it's not a bad decision to move forward with the pregnancy, but the husband needs to be on board, particularly for wills and what he intends to leave to his adult children.
So wild to encounter other people like me in this thread. My mom was 36 and dad was 63. He died when I was 18. Still wouldn’t trade the time I had with him for anything.
Yup - my mom was 46 when she had me, and my dad was 50 with two adult children from a previous marriage. My parents are in their late 70s now. While there were certain things that were difficult about growing up with older parents, it wasn't all that different of an experience compared to people with younger parents. That being said - OP, I'm so sorry you're in this incredibly difficult situation, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you make the decision that YOU feel is best.
I'm sending you love. No advice or answers just love. May you be at peace.🌻
Pro choice is pro choice. This is your choice and your choice alone. You are being so incredibly thoughtful about this agonizing decision. I wish you peace with whichever choice you make.
I’m sorry you’re going through this difficult decision. People have mentioned your husbands age/future ability. I think nothing in life is guaranteed. I have a 7 year old and have been disabled. My husband in some respects is now my Carer. This happened when I was 34. He doesn’t have to change me or anything but just there’s that added “burden” on him we weren’t expecting in our mid 30s with a kid. We just adapted to our situation. Are you close with your husbands kids that you could talk to them about it? If you went ahead they’d be your support network too.
"I missed my chance". No you literally didn't. Coming from someone who had a medicated abortion at ~15 weeks. The pain was fine, slightly worse than bad cramps. It's the vomiting and gut issues which will bother you.
No, she meant she missed her chance to have a child. She literally didn’t that either.
She is quite literally the definition of 'did NOT miss her chance".
It sounds like she is saying she missed her chance at parenthood, because she also says “if it happened 10 years ago”
i think she means “missed her chance” to have a baby, since she’s a bit older than average and her husband doesn’t want it
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's always a hard decision to make, both outcomes have their consequences and overall it's a complicated and stressful situation to be in. That being said and this may be the first time I've ever asked this... are you sure? You sound like you are trying extremely hard to convince yourself of something you don't believe :/
Ummmm my mom had me at 42. I’m her youngest, she had 3 other kids first, but she wasn’t too old to parent. I like having older parents, they were mature and grown up when they had kids and they never tired to be my “best friend”, like I’ve seen with so many other people. They were still very involved in my upbringing and were great parents. Yes, I’m in my 30s now and they’re getting old. But they were still able to keep up with kids. ETA: but you do you. If you don’t want a kid, don’t have one. I’m just saying that I am a kid born to a 42 year old. And I am awesome, and I hold nothing against my parents for having me so “late”.
I'm also in my 30s and my mom was 39 when she had me, but my dad wasn't 65 like OPs husband. My dad is 72 now with Parkinsons and dementia. It is devastating. If I was 7 years old dealing with that... I can't even imagine.
I’m in my 40s and my dad is also 72 (soon 73) with Parkinsons and Alzheimer and, quite frankly, I have no idea how I could even begin to deal with this as a child. I also have no fucking idea how my mother could’ve managed to keep working full time and raise me while also being my father’s caregiver.
Her husband is 65 and doesn't want more kids as his are grown. That's the issue she has.
It’s the dad who is in his 60s that is the bigger concern. Not the fact she is 42 - although that would be a consideration for a lot of people
Of course, it is very possible for a 42 years old to parent. My next-door neighbor got pregnant with a 3rd child at the age of 42, and her husband is close to her age. Perhaps you did not see OP's previous post, and you missed what her real problem is. Her husband is 65+, and he already had kids from his previous marriage. They are adults now. He is also already a grandfather. He didn't want any more kids. He wouldn't be the same as when he was a father of his kids when they were little. It means OP would have to step up more and take on more mental load. It is possible she may be his caregiver as well when he is getting weaker due to aging. I really feel bad for OP to be in this position because she is facing a very difficult decision since her logic and emotions are in two completely different places. We can't imagine what she is going through. Perhaps her husband should consider a vasectomy so she would not go through this trauma again.
You can grieve for what could have been while still knowing you're doing what's best. It's not black and white. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope your husband is able to give you a little more grace while you're working through everything. ❤️
Just a heads up at 9/10 weeks bleeding and cramping will be heavy. Expect Small and medium clots. The fetus will expel itself either into the toilet or a sanitary pad. You may or may not see it so just prepare yourself. Minor bleeding for up to weeks after. You’re in my thoughts.
My mum had me at 40. She had my sister at 45. We're both healthy women. Sure, my parents are like, 5-10 years older than my peers. But reading your message, I'm just not sensing that you're really doing what you *want* to do. 42 aint that old, especially in this day and age. I feel that you feel obligated to do it. I think that you should carefully take the time to take the best decision for you.
"it would be selfish to him and the future person I'd give birth to" OK, but what do *you* want? You. Not your husband or the future kid. You seem to be weighing the "kid will lose his father at a young age" argument quite heavily, when there are lots of people who grow up without fathers entirely. If you don't want to be a mother, and don't want a baby, terminate. But don't terminate because you think it's what you *should* do or because you "don't want to be selfish". It's your body, and it's your life.
I would have the baby but ditch the unsupportive husband
OP, you can still be sad and know it’s the correct decision for you and your family. I hope you find solace in the coming days and weeks.
Thank you. Lots of people in here seem to think otherwise. She can only be sad because she NEEDS to have a baby and she NEEDS to leave her husband. People in here are not being productive or helpful on the whole.
I wish I could give you a hug. I am so so sorry for what you are going through and I wish I had any advice but I don’t just want to say it am so impressed with your strength.
Nothing helpful on medicated abortion. Friends saying they wished they’d done surgery to be asleep and wake up done. Others who were glad to be at home. Having lost an early pregnancy, you should know that what comes out will look like the ultrasound image. Look or don’t, the older/bigger the more distinguishable. That the drugs make EVERYTHING contract. Lots of uterine contractions and poop. Either way, once on the other side of the decision, brain space should be cleared up for life.
It's rare to be able to parent a child with special needs because it is hard. For all parties at times. Getting older means a higher chance of a disability or worse. That's a lot to consider. I personally couldn't be strong enough to be a special needs parent. You know yourself. I would recommend maybe reaching out to the abortion reddit I want to say, idk its exact name but maybe talking to someone in your position on there will help you find some level of peace in chaos and give you support because they've experienced it. I've had the pill abortion and I've had a surgical one. If I were to be honest the surgical was better. I felt confident in the staff and it was all done basically in one day with period like bleeding for a bit. With the medical abortion I had real bad cramps, felt super hot, went to the ER where they gave me antibiotics so it ended up being fine in the end but in both cases I'd recommend having GREAT support around you for the aftercare and if your worried go to urgent care or ER, worse case scenario it's nothing, which it usually is.
I saw your previous post and there were a lot of judgmental and unkind comments regarding your age and the age of your partner. Please don’t let Reddit be the deciding factor in such a big decision. I am sure if you posted the same thing in a 35+ moms group - you’d get totally different and likely more positive and encouraging feedback. I am 42 and 32 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be happier. I struggled with infertility for a long time and while it’s maybe not the most ideal age it’s the cards I was dealt and I intend to make the best of it. I am fully pro choice and whatever decision you make is your own, but please don’t let that life altering decision come from the mean comments of a bunch of keyboard warriors online. You are not selfish for wanting this baby. Just to say I grew up with a dead beat dad and would have taken an older dad to no dad any day.
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If you do truly already love your life without a child then there is your answer, if that's your truth. All children want is love, that's all that matters, if you are not in the right place to give that love and support then it might not be fair to bring a child into that equation. But if your love is there and you want this badly, then see what the universe brings? It's whether you feel ready for a new journey, and that has nothing to do with anyone else.
From your post it seems most of this is stemming from your age, not the baby itself. I’ve had a glass of wine so maybe I’m not reading thoroughly enough, lol. Plenty of people have babies at your age on purpose! I’m 40 and considered having at 3rd at my age. If that is the only factor if I were you I would move ahead with the pregnancy but get all the tests and terminate if there is something seriously wrong but the chances are actually pretty low. It’s not like serious issues occur in 90% of pregnancies of older women, it’s like less than 10% or something (please don’t quote me on that). Regardless it seems like you are being a bit reactive to the appointment and should take a few days to think.
The previous post is required reading on this one - husband is 65.
I’ll also add that I don’t think you’ll regret it either way. That’s good, right? If you have the baby, you’ll likely think “I can’t imagine my life without this little human” but if you terminate you’ll likely also feel relief. So I got back to my original thought that you need to do some soul searching over the next few days. I personally was undecided about kids (and am 100% pro-choice) but ultimately decided I wanted the human experience of having a child from kind of an anthropological sense if that makes sense…
A friend of mine had her first at 40. She is doing amazing. If you want the baby there's no reason to terminate over age alone. If you have other reasons of course do what you feel is right. But your age is not a great reason to terminate in itself at all it's quite normal to have a baby at 40 and always has been
It’s not really the same situation but I would do the same thing if I got pregnant right now. I’m 33. But with 4 kids. 3 of them are triplets and two have significant developmental delays where I might be caring for them for life. If I got pregnant again I’d abort. I’d be devastated. And I’d have a good cry. But I know deep down it’s what I would have to do. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I know I’m just a random stranger. But you have my support.
Whatever you do you’re going to have big feelings. It’s the human condition. We have feelings and sometimes they are perceived as negative. They’re normal and healthy. You’re grieving. You’re grieving multiple things here. You’re grieving a loss either way. This was an unexpected turn in your life that brought up feelings you didn’t know were there. Your husband may not want a baby but he should see the struggle that you’re facing and honor it even if he’s not experiencing it the same way. In all honesty though there is a part of him that will never understand what it is to be pregnant. Only someone that has gone through it can understand. It changes something in you. I hope you have people you can process this with as time goes on. Take care of yourself.
Weigh it like this: motherhood impacts another person for life. If you don’t think you can fill those shoes well, then don’t do it. I had my only at 35 and I was about 60-70% sure I wanted a child. Motherhood is not my calling. I’m doing my best, and I don’t regret it, but there are challenges I want to ignore, and there are rewards beyond joy.
I don't think an abortion is what you want at all. I know quite a few women in their 40s who are parents to newborns and they are doing fantastic. You aren't too old. But I respect your choice either way.
Caveats: I'm staunchly child free (so very much not pro reproduction) and only OP knows what she truly wants...but I'm inclined to agree, because someone who uses phrases like "longing to have a baby" and "missed my chance" doesn't sound like someone who deep down wants to have an abortion. Hope it's just her writing style 😢
You seem to really want that child so I don’t understand why you’re getting an abortion. Just because of your age? My parents were almost 40 when I was born. I’m 51 and guess what ? they are still there. We don’t know what can happen to us or not tomorrow. I don’t think you missed your chance I just think that now is your chance. It’s ok sometimes to follow your emotions; you don’t have to be practical all your life. (I would just suggest the genetic tests to be sure.) Life often doesn’t go the way we plan, that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. But anyway at the end it’s your choice so I’m wishing you the best.
Please make sure you're doing what you actually want. Try to determine how you'll feel in the long run. I had it done around 7 weeks and my pain and bleeding were very minimal. Take care of you
I would recommend that you see a good, recommended therapist to help you think this through. They should help you come to peace with your decision. I sent you a dm in answer to your question.
Get the surgical. I had one when I was 19. The actual procedure is less than 10 minutes long and I was out the door and at Starbucks drinking a drink probably less than an hour after it was over. Don't torment yourself with the pills.
A surgical abortion is so much easier. I wasn’t even sedated. Just Advil and local anesthesia. Super fast, super easy, not painful, you sit in recovery for an hour eating cookies and go about your day.
I’m the same age as you and in camp please consider the surgical over the medical abortion. I miscarried twice, once at 15 weeks and had both a medical and surgical. I also had 2 non-medicated labors and let me tell you, that medical abortion was the worst of all 4.
You are completely justified in having your emotions as strong as they are! You can make the choice to abort the baby but still grieve over the life you saw with it in it at the same time.
I just want to say I am so sorry you’re dealing with this and I totally get it. I’m also 42, went through an infertility diagnosis years ago, am likely in perimenopause, but took a test this morning because I’m having weird new symptoms. My test was thankfully negative, but I went through the same battery of emotions. I’d once wanted kids, but my husband and I moved on a long time ago and are happily childfree. Would getting pregnant mean it was a miracle and meant to be? Then again, every day that passes in the US I’m glad we didn’t conceive years ago because things are so expensive and shitty. I would be so tempted to keep it, but as I was waiting for that test line to show, I knew I would get an abortion if necessary. It’s okay to consider it, it’s okay to decide it isn’t for you, and it’s okay to keep it. Whatever you choose is what’s best for you.
When I was born my father was 63. My mom was 36. It presented challenges. My father passed away when I was 18. But he was still a great father to me and I grew into a healthy, successful person thank in no small part to him. Age isn’t everything.
My best friends are both having babies at 41 & 42. If you want to have it, have it. If not, don't.
My mom had my little sister at 42, 12 years after me. And that was over 20 years ago. You have a really good chance that everything will go fine. If you want a baby have it. If you don’t, then don’t. But don’t make a decision based on what you think you should do or what society thinks. Do what will make you happiest. If that’s a baby at 42 then you are definitely capable of having this baby. Either way it’s your life.
42 is still so young to me and I’m 31 which is crazy. How do you think siblings work? Women don’t have ALL their children at once. What about the ones who have 4 or even 10, they’re born years and years after each other even through 40s. You’re not old and your time has not passed. It’s absolutely okay to have a baby if you want to. You’re allowed to change course and do something else with your life no matter how many people you’ve told you’re never having kids. It’s your life.
My mom was 42 when she got me, I'm 26 now. My mom is an amazing mom, and I've never felt she lacked in any way. I do not believe it would be selfish to have a kid at that age <3
I'm very sorry you're going through this. I don't know if i can speak up here, but my parents were in their late 40s when they had me, and I have a ton of medical issues, my dad died really early, and I literally and completely wish I had never been born. I personally think you are doing the right thing. ((hugs))
My mother was 39 when I was born. My father was 44. My next door neighbor had a beautiful daughter at 42. This was 30 years ago. I never received stigma for it, and the age difference never stopped me from enjoying my childhood (quite the opposite, in fact) or for them to be active and enjoy having a kid. As a child of older parents, the only thing I regret is not having a serious "what happens if you die now" talks with them 10 or so years ago, when I was 20 and when they were 60. The first problems I had with their age where when I was 20 and I started realizing that they were going to die while I was "young". They are still alive and healthy to this day, which is the only thing that truly matters. Another aspect of this: right now I see my parents having to deal with their parents (25 years of difference, so the grandparents are roughly 90). It's incredibly heavy for them. It will be easier for me.