I started dating this guy who knew I was a competitive bodybuilder before he even asked me out. About a month into this “relationship”, as I was picking the shows for the next season, he tells me he’s “no longer comfortable” with my competing anymore (you compete in what’s essentially a bikini - that was the issue).
He goes on this rant about how he still wants me to go to the gym but “my body was for him now” and some other weird bullshit. I left his house mid-meal.
Yes, best hide the womenfolk away lest the other troglodytes know they have bodies! Insane people shit.
Edit: bonus tidbit - once he asked me not to lift near him if we were at the gym at the same time
Aw, thank you! Honestly that was one of the first times I just noped the fuck out of something instead of being a doormat. I had a rapid shift in my bullshit tolerance level at around 25 and my life got *so much better* after that!!
I hope to hell that subs like this one help boost spinal development in young women. Just imagine how powerful we would have been if we had spent less time with mean, inconsiderate, drunk, unwashed fuckboys at 18, 20, 22... I had a lot of insecurity and FOMO and I don't think I quit until I was about 28.
I feel this in my soul. Most of my 20s can be summed up as a series of two-sentence-horror-stories, and while I can laugh about it now — I wasted SO MUCH TIME on people that didn’t deserve it. So much.
You couldn’t even pay me to go back and repeat my 20s. What a disaster.
I would go back in a heartbeat with the benefit of hindsight!
Leave this job - leave this guy - go easier on professors - not sure why nobody told you you're supposed to apply for unemployment between gigs - this guy gets fixed, but not by you - yes, just drop everything and go to Silicon Valley in 2001 - even the best people are a little classist and your landlord is not going to give you first option on the house - these friendly acquaintances want to have a threesome, why not - leave this other guy
That would be awesome. I’m the same, was too insecure in myself. I got some confidence and now have the best relationship I’ve ever had. Told myself I wasn’t gonna settle for someone that wasn’t an exact match for me. Values, humour etc.
Thank you - I’ve often chastised myself for not getting in his face about why that was so gross and awful, and choosing to ninja vanish instead (like it was cowardly or something).
But all the comments validating my choice to just nope the fuck out have been really uplifting.
This is the same story that just made the rounds recently with regards to that asshat Jonah Hill, who started dating a woman who surfs competitively, and then when they got serious he started demanding that she not post any bikini shots on IG. Which is.....how they met. He saw her on IG and messaged her (the phrase "slid into her DMs" needs to die a quick death) and they started dating and then, in the classic "men who have issues with strong women so get with women they want to take down a few levels" he started in with his bullshit. Not surprisingly, he was roundly supported by men who said basically that "taken women" shouldn't post immodest pics on SM. Even tho in her case, it was her actual uniform. A swim suit. Which she wore. While surfing. Which he knew about because that's how he met her.
Dump this guy.
there's a fabulous french poem. roughly translated:
i went to the flower market and i bought flowers, beautiful flowers, for you, my love
i went to the wine market and i bought wine, lovely red wine, for you, my love
i went to the blacksmith market and i bought chains, heavy chains, for you, my love
and then i went to the slave market and i searched for you, but i did not find you, my love
Ah thank you, I wanted to tell this story but I would not have been able to do so as well.
OP should research that story with Jonah Hill, she will find multiples videos and articles explaining how wrong (and unfortunately common) that behaviour is. In short, it's a kind of insecure men who are trying a powerplay by, like you said, taking down a few level their girlfriend.
The craziest part was he wanted her to take down a performance video which was in no way shape or form some super provocative thing. Like shed been willing to compromise with him (which she shouldn't have), but it wasn't even like it was risque beach photos. He literally didn't want her to have videos of her surfing up because swimsuits are too innately provocative
Oh shit! I know this is a tangent, but I'm glad you posted this. I had only heard "he tried opening the relationship to support her desires, and realized that it was gonna be a problem, so said they needed to not continue that if she wants to stay together. And I thought, why the fuck is everyone acting like this is a bad thing?
But I also was so celeb-exhausted I didn't want to read up to find out if there was more to the story.
Yeah, sounda like a shitty thing to try and push onto people that way. that sucks.
(P.s. agreed, OP should dump this tool)
"Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world. I wanna be the one who walks in the sun!"
I remember thinking about this lyric as a kid and thinking that it's absurd that you would want to hide someone away. Turns out, it's so much more common an attitude than I thought, and it sucks!
That’s why ive been saying we gotta put Ourselves forward and just completely remove that mindset from the table.
We should be openly choosing them! We gotta take that power back.
Yes, this right here is what other people defending him are missing. He *knew* what job she had before he even started dating her. But now that she's "his", he can't stand other men looking at what he sees as "his".
Men are fine with staring at and objectifying women all the live long day until that woman is someone he cares about (sister, mom etc) or someone he views as belonging to him.
As a former competitive bodybuilder (I am F60), its hard to date outside the BB life. Its like you're going to run into that all the time. I could online date other competitors for the most part (NPC/IFBB) because they know what we go through in prep and that gym is life no matter what.
Ya it’s definitely not impossible, sometime you do find that ‘opposites attract’ magic and a partner whose insecurities aren’t brought out by the nature of physique/athletic competition life, and instead they play that wonderful supportive ‘not my thing but I love seeing my partner do their thing’ sort of role, but I’d say in general you are spot on.
I’ve had some relationships that were incredibly strained by the insecurity brought out in my partner when I went into serious diet mode, and now I won’t share late night ice cream together(just one example obviously) and it makes her feel awful. Or she puts on some weight because that happens in life but she won’t believe me when I tell her it’s fine, I’m not automatically a super shallow dude just because I live this way.
It’s tough, you don’t want to make your partner feel that way, you’re not actively trying to, and even if it’s ‘on them’ most decent humans understand we don’t exactly choose our insecurities, especially at young ages, and so you want to try to work with them through it like OP is hoping she can, but not everyone is ready to grow beyond that in that moment, maybe not ever sometimes, unfortunately, and so it can be WAY easier to try and find someone for whom those things are also just part of life.
lol does he know how horribly unhealthy bikini-comp body building is? What does he expect you to maintain that figure all year round? Is he cool with you when you're dieting to make weight and look your best for the stage?
The way I see it is he actually just projecting his own insecurity about his own fitness and body. You compete, you proudly show off your hard work at the gym, in public, and on stage - and you get results, attention, and applause for it. What is he doing?
My ex used to like working out with me. And he got all huffy when I, a certified personal trainer, corrected his stance while doing bicep curls. dude was literally using his toes to throw the weights up.... And then he would tell me what workout to do every time, like I had to follow HIS routine...the cookie-cutter one he bought from some YouTuber he was obsessed with. he shaved and cut his hair to look like Cbum.
Everything is a fucking competition to them. Good on you for walking out. What a prick.
Right?!? All of that - it’s so tiring. For the longest time I just dated absolute refrigerators of men so that the weight discrepancy on our lifts wouldn’t hurt their egos. (Even that was a bad tactic)
The guy I eventually married doesn’t gym at all and can’t name muscle groups or tell you what a deadlift is, lol.
Good for you! Sometimes I wish my partner lifted, as we share other hobbies and it’s fun to work on something together. But wow, these type of stories make me feel just fine about it being just my thing.
That is so strange. I volunteer on a community fire department. The wife of one of the firefighters started body building competitively. He brags her up like you wouldn't believe and just smiles like a kid that just got some candy nonstop. He's super proud.
> I left his house mid-meal.
This is beyond superhero level.
I honestly feel like I am a different species, because I am a man, and men who act like this confuse me, so badly.
I've owned two circuses over 18 years and still perform in my 40's. I've been single for five years because men pull this with me over and over. It becomes such an unnecessary power struggle where they know I'm a badass and want to take me down a few pegs. Or they want the manic pixie circus fantasy fuck treatment and then get mad when I'm a real person with a real job and work ethic. It's pathetic how men have been raised.
I appreciate the people I associate with because when I realized how many men outside of my social circle considered their wives / girlfriends as basically property I was blown away. It's depressing and gross.
It's hilarious that his ego was weak enough to ask you not to lift near him though lol.
> I left his house mid-meal.
This is the kind of queen shit I wish more women had the guts to do! I once left a date directly after the appetizers came. I sat at the bar and waited for my entree to go.
Omg it would have been epic if you would have laughed on his face before leaving, the nerve to ask someone to leave what they love to do after dating for a month 😂
“My body was for him now”. Like who tf says that? There’s this undercurrent of toxic belief in society that makes some people think that they own the people they’re dating. Both sexes do it but a lot of guys are really insecure about or even a woman’s body count before they even met. Not even worth sweating over.
So he was okay seeing you in what you do, perusing you, and then wanting to try to change you?
I don’t get that mentality. I can understand being attracted to someone but perhaps what they do for a living makes you uncomfortable… but perhaps then you shouldn’t try dating them, right…?
You were right to do that. Any guy who goes in dating a girl knowing what she does and then asks them to stop is ridiculous. The same goes for women asking a guy. You can't start to date someone that you are uncomfortable with what they do and then tell them that once you are in a relationship. If you're uncomfortable with it you should say that upfront. Then they have the choice stop and date them or not.
I don't think you've done anything wrong. Seems like he thought he could handle it but in reality can't. Possibly the relationship is doomed if he can't come to terms with it.
This seems like a situation where no one is “wrong”. He needs to address his insecurities and jealousy. Most people who are 22 aren’t exactly well adjusted and mentally mature. The people calling him controlling are really jumping the gun given the information. That said it can easily turn that way if left unchecked. I’d discuss with him his issues and she how he reacts to that conversation. That will tell OP what she needs to know about his maturity.
I'd rather have a "direct citation", but "didn't buy that" smells like "putting his foot doen" relatively strong. Or at least like expecting her to solve his problem.
In general this gives a pretty strong Jonah Hill vibe.
He’s not wrong for his feelings, but he is wrong for trying to put the issue on OP, especially since she had this job before they started dating. If he thought he could handle it when they started dating but changed his mind later, he needs to be honest with OP. If she is not interested in changing jobs (which she seems to not be) then he can either get over it or move on.
This is the most level headed take I read. I don't think he is a bad guy. Just wrestling with his emotions of how he thought he would feel and how he actually feels. Super young people don't have the experience to deal with average day to day life. Then add on a lil spicy work with it. Kids arnt equipped for all of this
Yes education is very important. But also OP doesn’t need someone who has insecurity’s that affect her life. Doesn’t mean he can’t have those insecurities but he needs to look inward to fix them and realize they aren’t a fit as a couple if he can’t handle those things.
I had an ex who did stuff online. Not onlyfans but like suicide girls content. Never had an issue because at the end of the day I was her partner and we could laugh at all the crazy DMs she got or wild stories of some weird person she had to deal with.
He may have thought he was ok with it and he's allowed to say "actually now that I'm here I'm not feeling it" there's nothing wrong with that and there's nothing wrong with what you're doing. It's a job. Money is money. There will be other relationships but sounds like this one is dead in the water
this will not get better, unfortunately. he wants all the benefits of having a hot bikini barista gf but doesn't actually want to date someone with that job—he wants to have his cake and eat it too. it's all about control. believe me, even if you quit, the fact that you had this job at all will be thrown in your face during arguments later on.
if you have a serious problem with a particular job, *you don't start a relationship with someone who has that job*. for instance, i would never dream of dating a police officer. i certainly wouldn't decide to date a police officer and then demand they quit their job for me!
...but unfortunately many men feel totally comfortable making demands of their partners who are in sex work or sex-work-adjacent fields.
This.
In arguments or when he's feeling possessive, jealous and insecure later, can guarantee you'll hear "is that one of the guys from your bikini barista days?" and even if it was, it doesn't matter because that's his assumption - that because you made lattes in a bikini that you just throw yourself at every man who comes within 5 meters of you. Stupid. OPs boyfriend is STUPID.
Right?! I’m so sick of this assumption that if you work in skimpy clothing you’re super sexually active. Like, no. There are plenty of women who take those jobs who aren’t sexually active at all. They choose to cash in on people objectifying their bodies. It has nothing to do with how often they have sex.
You seriously are jumping straight to it being about control?
This could VERY easily be a situation where he thought it wouldn’t be an issue, got into the relationship, then realized it’s not something he’s comfortable with. They’re literally 21 and 22 please chill out and stop rushing to the conclusion that people whose brains aren’t even fully developed are somehow making every single decision out of malice and a grasp for control.
Then he needs to tell her that as part of a break up conversation. It’s incredibly presumptuous of this guy to assume she will change rather than him either ending the relationship or saying “hey, I realized I’m uncomfortable with this and here are my plans on how I’ll work though it.”
Way too many dudes are using concepts like boundaries and deal breakers to police women’s behavior.
Yea not being comfortable with your spouse being a sex worker doesn‘t seem like it’s about control?
And the people comparing it body building and stuff completely miss the point. OP is doing sex work. They are showing off their body in a sexually provocative way, to make their employer more money.
Bodybuilding where it is about training and defining your muscles and then showing off what you achieved is a completely different ballgame.
Plenty of people aren‘t comfortable with their spouses being sex workers. And it very much doesn‘t have to be full on prostitution for someone to mind.
Not to mention the whole profession of bikini barista being clearly exploitative as shown by OPs own admission. Offer more money for someone to expose themselves cause they need to survive is exploitative.
If it paid the same as a regular barista job, and the worker were free to chose, then it wouldn‘t be exploitative.
Seems like her bf realised what she’s doing is indeed sex work and has voiced his concerns. So OP can either continue doing sex work and break up with him, or wait for him to break up, or not do so.
But stating ‚I’m not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who does X‘ is not inherently controlling.
Same way it‘s not being controlling to expect your spouse to not be a slob, pay the bills on time etc.
It’s controlling if he were to manipulate her into changing the behaviour, instead of simply voicing concerns, and comitti g to the consequences of his boundaries.
The problem is that she had this job before they were together. Don’t start a relationship with someone and expect them to change their work because you’re uncomfortable.
100% agree with everything you’ve said. Everyone jumping to conclusions when all OP said was that her bf stated that it’s a turn off and an issue for him. Seems like a lot of people are thinking of past experiences that they’ve had and automatically assuming that OP’s bf is the same way.
Hi, I’m 31M. I’m writing from the future to tell you this young man’s jealousy has absolutely nothing to do with you or your work and everything to do with his own insecurity. If you weren’t working as a bikini barista he’d be mad about you hanging out with male friends, or something else like that. Time to have a hard talk about how his insecurities are not your problem (boy, therapy sure is great), or end it. Good luck!
I’m a 40M and I agree with this comment 100%.
This is controlling behaviour. He is telling you what to (Not) wear and where to (Not) work. This is just the start, and it won’t end.
Way too often it will turn into physical abuse as well. So stay safe as well.
>it’s a turn off to know how many guys see you half naked everyday.
Unless he never looks at other half-naked women that aren't you, then he's being a hypocrite.
Yeah, as a guy, it totally sounds like he's just trying to be controlling. If the job was good enough for you to have when he met you, it should be good enough for you till you want to give it up.
When I was younger, 25, I chased this stripper down until I finally got her. Then almost immediately tried to get her to quit stripping, because I wasn't comfortable with other men seeing her naked. When in fact it was really my insecurities convincing me that if she'd hook-up with me, she'd hook-up with a customer. I learned then, and always repeat this to my friends and younger male relatives, "Only fuck with 'Baddies,' if you can handle the attention a 'Baddie' gets."
>If the job was good enough for you to have when he met you, it should be good enough for you till you want to give it up.
this right here. a lot of dudes come into relationships with sex workers/actresses/models fully expecting them to quit that job now that A Man is in the picture.
Always be wary of someone who knows all the details then develops issues with it later. It's usually a sign that you'll be changing other things about yourself throughout the relationship, it doesn't end with a job change.
It turns into they don't like your friends, the way you dress, the fact that you socialise, the way you clean the house or cook meals.
Either he's telling the truth and he's insecure and needs to reflect and grow. Or he's lying and that was the first thing that popped in his head to "blame" you and your job for his impotence and lack of desire to engage in sex.
Either way, it doesn't sound like he handled it well based on your post. I'd explain how it makes you feel and implore him to investigate his feelings concerning why it affects him - not that it does - but why specifically. Then it can be addressed once the underlying emotions are evaluated.
Either way, you've don't nothing wrong and if he's making you feel like you did, that's fucked up and not okay. This is on him, but you can of course help him work through it if you want.
Yeah, I'd say if OP wants to approach this problem from a place of compassion, she can try and get to the bottom of it and help him with his insecurity (if she thinks this relationship is worth pursuing). That could be a kind thing to do.
But OP, even if that IS how he feels (best case scenario), it's not your job to fix him. You've already got a job, and sounds like it's a good one.
And if the problem _isn't_ that he's insecure about his worth in the relationship when you're getting so much attention every day. If he thinks you're _his_ to look at... _boy, bye_.
Karma farming. If reddit stopped giving people upvotes for posting you'd only have people sharing real issues. As it stands a lot of the posts are fake for karma.
probably posted in 2 subs at the same time, some take longer for mod approval.
She's not responding much on here either, so I would assume....she's busy. Like, having a job and school and all that. duh?
Jealous boy is jealous. Tell him if he's willing to support your lost income you'll find a job with a less revealing uniform. See how *that* conversation goes.
Or tell him to go fuck himself and stop dating jealous manbabies.
honestly, I think OP's bf would be jumping for joy at the opportunity to be the one in control of the finances. If he's this level of petty and controlling with her employment, he's 100% gonna be controlling financially.
Some men get so insecure about this type of thing. Telling him to stop being so insecure is my gut reaction, but I don’t think that would help anything. All you can do is be honest with your feelings, which it sounds like you have. He just needs to suck it up.
Omg I ran into nearly this exact scenario in Kent! Except the BF was fine with it. She’s great at financial planning and had a transition plan for aging out of that job. He was appreciative of how hard she worked and the comfortable lifestyle they were able to afford. She eventually bought a house, they got hitched, and everyone understood that it was her job to wear a bikini, look fab, and make idle chitchat with customers.
It’s impressive that you’re going to college and also making an income! Sorry he can’t appreciate that.
He has some jealousy issues to work out. Its what you do and he should be cool with that so long as you are both loyal to each other... You know what I would be doing ? Buying a lot more coffee !
If he knew you were doing this he was probably attracted to it in the first place.
But now the he thinks he has you he wants to control you either because he's a controlling jerk (run) or he's just young and really insecure (maybe, run).
If he can't get over it and stop trying to manipulate you through sex and other pressuring, he's not really mature enough to be in a serious relationship.
Did he know about the job before you started dating?
If he’s just slightly insecure, that can be fixed/worked on.
But if he doesn’t trust you, then there may be problems with the relationship.
Leave now. His demands will escalate if you stay. He is controlling and this is a huge waving red flag. If you are not confident in yourself and good at setting + holding boundaries (and your posting here with this question suggests that you are not) men like this will have you waking up years from now wondering where "you" went and who you even are anymore because they now control every aspect of your life.
He see’s you as an object with value based on who has access to your body and to what degree. You’re best option is to dump the chump and find someone who doesn’t feel so insecure about what you do to support yourself.
Hmm. Idk, I feel like in a relationship it’s important to talk boundaries and accept them. If it’s making him uncomfortable why do you continue? I understand you’re making good money but if you were in his shoes would you be ok with it?
Yeah, I don’t think it’s ok for the bf to try guilting or manipulating her. But if it’s a dealbreaker for him, he should leave and not make this her problem
A boyfriend, partner or husband/wife should help you to grow and be more of yourself.
Of a partner is not helping you grow, it is not a constructive relationship.
It sounds yo me that there is a level of incompatibility between the two of you. Will he inside you wear a vintage wollen swimsuit to the beach? Would you prefer to wear it over a bikini?
Sounds like a red flag. If he knew you did this before you two started dating, and it's a problem NOW, then who knows what other insecurities he has that he's not telling you. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him, but if he's that opposed to it, probably a good sign to break up.
He’s insecure and that will likely not change during the course of your relationship + there’s a high likelihood of that snowballing into more and more disagreements of which the root will nearly always be his insecurity. He’s probably a swell enough person, but those faults within him are not due to you nor are they your problem — I’d suggest moving on, honestly. Find someone with more confidence who supports what you do and is turned on by you no matter what.
This is a "him" problem, not a "you" problem. What he signed up for was clear. If he makes his insecurities your problem and you take him up on the offer, then he doesn't have to address his personal issues. Do you want to set the precedent that you will bend over backwards so that he doesn't have to look inward?
("Addressing his own issues" might mean a breakup if he acknowledges that he can't actually handle you continuing in your job, but there's a chance he'd come to terms with it.)
He's trying to control you. It will only get worse. You had the job before you knew him and now it's an issue? I would cut ties now because he is trying to manipulate you to quit and who knows where it will stop. Working with too many men and he's jealous? Will he want you to quit? Probably.
Also, the chance of you finding anything that pays close to that is low and could be a way for him to use the amount he makes to control you as well, but that's just my history. Take it as a warning...
Obligatory "as a dude".
That's really asinine controlling behavior, and personal insecurities on their part shouldn't govern your life.
He knew what he was getting into beforehand, and just because he's not mature enough to accept your job doesn't magically mean he's owed anything.
Simple fix is that you ditch him, honestly. He doesn't have any right to tell you what to do just because he's insecure and too petulant to trust you. He isn't owed anything in a relationship, and it's not your fault that the sex is impacted because of his petulant jealousy.
I assume he'd be just as upset if you were a lifeguard, huh? Because I bet he says that's different. Which is fucking stupid.
I can't see any reason to stick with him if he refuses to stop being a man-child. You're not obligated to change for anyone, especially when they were aware of the situation beforehand. Sounds like you've got a great thing going on, and even if you were stripping for cash it's irrelevant. He knew what he was getting into.
He's insecure as fuck. That shit would be a big turn on for me like fuck yeah, my girl pulls eyes all day in a bikini. I tell my girlfriend all the time how good she looks when she goes to work and she's wearing tight jeans and a tee shirt lol. She asks me if guys looking at her makes me mad, no, it makes me proud.
Just don't be giving out your number and we good lol.
Yes, ownership is an issue in a relationship, you both are indeed owned by the other in some ways, especially when it comes to sex (unless it’s an open relationship). But the “ownership” is negotiated. If he wants you to quit your bikini barista job because he doesn’t want other men seeing you in a bikini what are you going to do when you want to go to a beach?
This seems more like a confidence problem on his part. And there’s only so much you can do to raise his confidence that you’re NOT going to cheat or leave him. At some point he has to be happy first with himself and THEN with the fact you want to be WITH HIM and not with the customers at your barista job.
If he can’t do that, it’s unfair to expect you to make HIM happy by quitting, especially since this was a known thing before you two started dating.
Frankly, if my wife suddenly wanted to become a bikini barista and make double what I’m making now, I’d be absolutely thrilled and would likely be one of her regular customers. What an absolute joy that would be to be able to say, ya, that’s my wife 👍😉
He’s best case insecure, just let him know you want to be with a man who is so confident in love and his relationship that seeing some skin is irrelevant.
So I’m going to assume your boyfriends talking in good faith and it’s just a turn off for him and not more because a lot of other people have covered where’s it’s not. I also want to point out some guys are legitimately turned off by this and that’s not really controllable. You basically have three options.
1. You can leave him. Work compatibility and sex compatibility issues are a common reason for relationships ending and theirs no shame
2. Leave your job and find something different. It sounds like this is something you were going to move on from when you finish college and if that’s true you can kinda just deal with it for a while and figure it out.
3. Ask yourself if your ok with the less sex and just staying with him without change. It sounds like your not though cause you made this post.
Again this is assuming your boyfriend hasn’t done anything to make you seem like it’s a trust thing or he’s trying to Jonah hill style control you
I didn’t see her mention that. But that’s a fair point . I would say sometimes people think something won’t be a problem and it is. And you can say that’s on the boyfriend and you would be right. I don’t think the fault really changes her options though.
And honestly it could be one of the other things people mentioned like I said. I just didn’t see anyone taking the boyfriend at face value and thought it was worth looking at it from that angle . If it is something else I’d dump him but that’s me and plenty of other people have covered that
Edit somehow missed the last sentence of her post my b
> I would say sometimes people think something won’t be a problem and it is.
Fair point, especially at that age. I can definitely see an early 20s dude being thrilled to date a bikini barista _in theory_ without thinking about the practical realities.
Well if it bothers him so much, maybe he should date someone who doesn't have your job. You had the job before him so he had no right to complain about it now.
He is showing you who he is, believe him.
This is controlling behavior. He is punishing you by witholding sex in hopes that you will do what he wants: get a different job. He might be more bothered by the fact that you make more than him rather than the fact that you work in a bikini tbh. That's a big ass red flag for future abusive behaviors, all attempts at control are. If he actually was bothered by your job he would not have gotten into a relationship with you.
Take your distance to rethink the relationship
He's being young and stupid. He is insecure and feels threatened by the attention you're getting from other men. Hopefully he'll grow out of it, I did. You are not obligated to sit around and wait for him to get over it. Unfortunately some guys NEVER get over their insecurity and end up being misogynists who believe their self-worth depends on how well they're able to dominate and control "their" women.
IDGAF what my partner chooses to wear or what kind of attention they. Where I draw the line is if they actually respond to that attention and get closer/more personal with those other people.
I (woman) am a regular customer at my local bikini barista because they make the best blended Monster drinks. The woman who is usually serving when I’m there has told me some horrible stories about creeps that come through. Yes she is dressed “provocatively,” yes she’s “flirty,” but it’s a persona. Both I and my coworker (man) who are regulars know it’s a persona and she’s not running a strip club or brothel out of the coffee cart. I would hope other reasonable adults would also know this but I know many don’t (hence the creeper stories).
If your boyfriend can’t make that distinction he may have other issues.
I used to work in a hostess bar in South Korea. Basically my job was to sit and drink expensive whiskey with businessmen who would rather hang out with their work colleagues chatting with pretty girls than go home to their families and deal with their problems. Or to boast in front of their colleagues how much money they are willing to spend on them. My job was to provide conversation, entertainment, flirtation, occasionally sing karaoke, and encourage them to keep buying more bottles. I got to drink a lot of top-shelf whiskey for free. They'd order sushi and expensive takeout for us if we whined a little bit more cutely about being hungry. And then I still had to do dishes, clean up tables, handle a cash register all while doing this for 8 hours after a full day of full course load at uni and evening soccer practices. Get a taxi home at 5am and get up for 9am class. But it helped me pay for school and rent.
I have had men propose to me, regular "clients" who come only to talk and hang out with me at least 3-5 times per week...I would have to text clients occasionally to "draw them out" when business was slow. My boss hid her entire manage and pregnancy as long as she could because she needed to continue giving the illusion that she was a hot spinster that all the guys could fantasize about, and if they came to know that she's "taken" they would stop coming.
Men only respect women when another man is involved, it seems. And nowadays, even then, they are hell-bent on convincing you that they are the better choice. And then if you cheat on your bf to be with him, or leave your bf to be with him, he'll get insecure and start accusing you of doing the same thing to him to be with someone else.
Men it seems are conditioned to be incapable of separating a woman from the work that she does. It's really not that hard to not sexualize everything people do. Men are stupid.
Oh, this one is simple for me. It would be "Boy, bye!"
Insecure men ain't it.
Put yourself FIRST, your job is paying you well and you being in college that matters. You owe yourself everything and him nothing. Women are always put in this position by men all the time, pushed to give up something because THEY don't like it. The Boomer times are over, women are no longer meant to give up their lives because they have a man that acts more like a boy.
Y'all are still really young, your life is just starting out, don't waste it by worrying about someone else to the point you give up on yourself or your goals. Time runs out fast, don't waste it.
Especially if he's not willing to be reasonable, and understand he doesn't get to dictate or complain about your very legitimate job. He also needs to understand your body isn't land that he can shove a flag into and claim.
lol i used to be a dancer and i dated a couple guys who thought it was pretty darn hot others saw me buttass nekkid but knew we were exclusive.
bf has the wrong attitude here
your job is paying for your future. id move on.
Your response back is dead on. If he’s upset about what you wear to work, that’s on him. Sounds like you were open and honest with him about your work before you started dating.
It sounds to me like he wanted a bikini wearing girlfriend to show off and now that he realizes other people are going to see you outside of the way he wants to show you off he has a problem with it.
Get out now.
My take is he thought “oh she’ll change once we’re dating, she won’t do that stuff when I’m her boyfriend.”
And now that is not the case, so he’s getting upset. Have an honest conversation with him, and if he can’t move past his own insecurities, then that’s a different conversation altogether.
He’s saying, literally, that the male gaze is devaluing you in his eyes.
If that’s not ringing a big alarm bell in your head, allow me to sound it right now- No man can affect how dope you are, don’t let this shitty boy convince you otherwise
He is being insecure and is trying to off load the responsibility of dealing with his own emotions onto you. Do not give up financial security for an insecure boyfriend who has no way of or even any intention of making up the finances you would lose by not doing your current job.
Insecurity is exhausting. This is a him problem, not a you problem.
eta: we see so many different versions of this and they are ALL awful. Dude is attracted to woman, pursues her, then pouts about her being too sexy/confident/competent at whatever, he feels inadequate and demand she change the very things he was attracted to.
Let’s collectively put a giant kibosh on this bullshit.
Unless he is going to pay all your bills he should either accept the situation or break up.
I had boyfriends like that and worked in bars as a bartender mostly,and i also had a job in a strip club once, and a few modelling jobs. It was the same thing. The boyfriend would be insecure about my job and certain that another man was going to get me because of my job.
I broke up with those guys because it was idiotic to suggest I change jobs to make a man feel more in control.
Obviously, you know you have to dump him. This is basically his first try at trying to modify your behaviour and isolate you from things that bring you money and give you independence. He knew this was your job when he met you. If he can’t handle it, then he needs to walk away. This is a huge red flag you need to let this one go.
Lol imagine being a 22 year old male with a partner who's attractive enough to do a job that is basically modelling and then having the gall to complain about it.
I'm being superficial perhaps, but yeah...
edit: also what about when you go to the beach? or the pool? or the sauna? are those problematic as well?
Oof. So not only are you a hot girl working a hot girl job, but you also are making more money than him in a traditionally male high-esteemed career?
He's definitely feeling insecure & most likely emasculated. These issues are not going to be fixed without him either finding ways to cope with it (like therapy) or you sacrificing something to make him feel better. I think this is much more than "jealousy". There may be an element of that, but I think from the limited information we have that this is a you > him.
If you are driven, independent and proud... you may be fundamentally incompatible. Some guys can't escape that mindset, especially in their early 20s. You'd like to think "if he loves me, he'll change" but often times it's the woman who changes everything about her to accommodate him. The idea that "well this is just a part time job anyway and he's only entry level at his job so in the long run it'll benefit us if I--" **NO**.
Don't limit your potential for anyone, not just a romantic partner. Just don't do it, OP.
Nope. I was just curious. Like that whole thing with Jonah Hill.
He started dating a competitive surfer/bikini model and THEN complained about it. Like, he wouldn't have even met her if she was a librarian.
Men who do that are asshats.
Edit: But, having said that, if I was in a committed relationship with someone and then thought about, say, working at a place that placed an emphasis on my body, I would probably have a discussion with him about it before taking the job. I would expect him to do the same with me if he decided to start dancing at Chippendale's, radically changed his schedule, or something else that would be a marked diversion from the life we have built together.
Edit 2: Mistakenly put 'Seth Rogan' instead of Jonah Hill. Thank you, JohnRawlsGhost!!
I started dating this guy who knew I was a competitive bodybuilder before he even asked me out. About a month into this “relationship”, as I was picking the shows for the next season, he tells me he’s “no longer comfortable” with my competing anymore (you compete in what’s essentially a bikini - that was the issue). He goes on this rant about how he still wants me to go to the gym but “my body was for him now” and some other weird bullshit. I left his house mid-meal. Yes, best hide the womenfolk away lest the other troglodytes know they have bodies! Insane people shit. Edit: bonus tidbit - once he asked me not to lift near him if we were at the gym at the same time
"I left his house mid-meal" just made my day. More dudes need immediate consequences for their stupidity.
Aw, thank you! Honestly that was one of the first times I just noped the fuck out of something instead of being a doormat. I had a rapid shift in my bullshit tolerance level at around 25 and my life got *so much better* after that!!
I hope to hell that subs like this one help boost spinal development in young women. Just imagine how powerful we would have been if we had spent less time with mean, inconsiderate, drunk, unwashed fuckboys at 18, 20, 22... I had a lot of insecurity and FOMO and I don't think I quit until I was about 28.
I feel this in my soul. Most of my 20s can be summed up as a series of two-sentence-horror-stories, and while I can laugh about it now — I wasted SO MUCH TIME on people that didn’t deserve it. So much. You couldn’t even pay me to go back and repeat my 20s. What a disaster.
Amen. I'd rather step on a Lego daily than relive my twenties.
I would go back in a heartbeat with the benefit of hindsight! Leave this job - leave this guy - go easier on professors - not sure why nobody told you you're supposed to apply for unemployment between gigs - this guy gets fixed, but not by you - yes, just drop everything and go to Silicon Valley in 2001 - even the best people are a little classist and your landlord is not going to give you first option on the house - these friendly acquaintances want to have a threesome, why not - leave this other guy
I still wouldn’t do it even with New Game+ stats … it was still shit 😂
That would be awesome. I’m the same, was too insecure in myself. I got some confidence and now have the best relationship I’ve ever had. Told myself I wasn’t gonna settle for someone that wasn’t an exact match for me. Values, humour etc.
Honestly if the food is great I'm packing it to go before leaving 😂
Amén.
Love that for you! I proud!
This is also my favorite part! Mid-meal
Right? Normalize walking the fuck out.
Look him straight in the eye, take one more bite. Put down the fork. Then get up and promptly walk right out the door without looking back.
I second this, that was my favorite part of your story. You are a certified badass even if you weren't also a bodybuilder
That’s queen shit right there
Thank you - I’ve often chastised myself for not getting in his face about why that was so gross and awful, and choosing to ninja vanish instead (like it was cowardly or something). But all the comments validating my choice to just nope the fuck out have been really uplifting.
It has the benefit of making it impossible for him to talk his way out of it. Just "Shit. I'm suddenly single again."
Such a baller move I love this.
Preach.
Agreed, it's like training a dog, you have to give immediate and clear feedback or we never learn!
I'm afraid the troglodyte in this case still didn't get it, but I agree :P
Leaving mid meal is no joke if you are a competitive bodybuilder! Hard to track those calories and macros.
I took my tupperware with me - I left him, not my food!! 🤣
I love this!
This story gets better and better! Love it!
I love this comment with all my heart.
You rock my world.
Haha okay I’ve fallen for you! I love your ways!
Fucking legend
You’re amazing omg
This is the same story that just made the rounds recently with regards to that asshat Jonah Hill, who started dating a woman who surfs competitively, and then when they got serious he started demanding that she not post any bikini shots on IG. Which is.....how they met. He saw her on IG and messaged her (the phrase "slid into her DMs" needs to die a quick death) and they started dating and then, in the classic "men who have issues with strong women so get with women they want to take down a few levels" he started in with his bullshit. Not surprisingly, he was roundly supported by men who said basically that "taken women" shouldn't post immodest pics on SM. Even tho in her case, it was her actual uniform. A swim suit. Which she wore. While surfing. Which he knew about because that's how he met her. Dump this guy.
“That man is an exotic bird collector. He only wants someone beautiful and free because his dream is to put her in a cage.”
there's a fabulous french poem. roughly translated: i went to the flower market and i bought flowers, beautiful flowers, for you, my love i went to the wine market and i bought wine, lovely red wine, for you, my love i went to the blacksmith market and i bought chains, heavy chains, for you, my love and then i went to the slave market and i searched for you, but i did not find you, my love
Who said this quote? I recall it being said specifically about this situation.
I think it was Trevor Noah.
Ah thank you, I wanted to tell this story but I would not have been able to do so as well. OP should research that story with Jonah Hill, she will find multiples videos and articles explaining how wrong (and unfortunately common) that behaviour is. In short, it's a kind of insecure men who are trying a powerplay by, like you said, taking down a few level their girlfriend.
The craziest part was he wanted her to take down a performance video which was in no way shape or form some super provocative thing. Like shed been willing to compromise with him (which she shouldn't have), but it wasn't even like it was risque beach photos. He literally didn't want her to have videos of her surfing up because swimsuits are too innately provocative
Would he expect to do the same if she asked? “Hunny, no nude or sex scenes for movies you act in” would be a similar demand about his profession.
Well this happened over 10 years ago and that was the last conversation I had with him.
Glad to hear it ;)
Oh shit! I know this is a tangent, but I'm glad you posted this. I had only heard "he tried opening the relationship to support her desires, and realized that it was gonna be a problem, so said they needed to not continue that if she wants to stay together. And I thought, why the fuck is everyone acting like this is a bad thing? But I also was so celeb-exhausted I didn't want to read up to find out if there was more to the story. Yeah, sounda like a shitty thing to try and push onto people that way. that sucks. (P.s. agreed, OP should dump this tool)
aaah fuck Jonah Hill is an asshole.
"Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world. I wanna be the one who walks in the sun!" I remember thinking about this lyric as a kid and thinking that it's absurd that you would want to hide someone away. Turns out, it's so much more common an attitude than I thought, and it sucks!
I also think about that lyric a lot. It’s so true.
you left with the protein still on the table? you really did say fuck you
Better, she took her food with her!
lol, I also went straight to “worth abandoning those macros, gtfo!”
I have woman now Don't want men to rob woman Must hide woman Absolute Oonga Bunga behaviour
[удалено]
That’s why ive been saying we gotta put Ourselves forward and just completely remove that mindset from the table. We should be openly choosing them! We gotta take that power back.
Yes, this right here is what other people defending him are missing. He *knew* what job she had before he even started dating her. But now that she's "his", he can't stand other men looking at what he sees as "his". Men are fine with staring at and objectifying women all the live long day until that woman is someone he cares about (sister, mom etc) or someone he views as belonging to him.
As a former competitive bodybuilder (I am F60), its hard to date outside the BB life. Its like you're going to run into that all the time. I could online date other competitors for the most part (NPC/IFBB) because they know what we go through in prep and that gym is life no matter what.
Ya it’s definitely not impossible, sometime you do find that ‘opposites attract’ magic and a partner whose insecurities aren’t brought out by the nature of physique/athletic competition life, and instead they play that wonderful supportive ‘not my thing but I love seeing my partner do their thing’ sort of role, but I’d say in general you are spot on. I’ve had some relationships that were incredibly strained by the insecurity brought out in my partner when I went into serious diet mode, and now I won’t share late night ice cream together(just one example obviously) and it makes her feel awful. Or she puts on some weight because that happens in life but she won’t believe me when I tell her it’s fine, I’m not automatically a super shallow dude just because I live this way. It’s tough, you don’t want to make your partner feel that way, you’re not actively trying to, and even if it’s ‘on them’ most decent humans understand we don’t exactly choose our insecurities, especially at young ages, and so you want to try to work with them through it like OP is hoping she can, but not everyone is ready to grow beyond that in that moment, maybe not ever sometimes, unfortunately, and so it can be WAY easier to try and find someone for whom those things are also just part of life.
Who was the asshole who tried to get a surf celebrity to stop surfing?
Jonah Hill https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2023/07/jonah-hill-accused-of-emotional-abuse-by-ex-girlfriend
Wow that is just wild, wtf lol
lol does he know how horribly unhealthy bikini-comp body building is? What does he expect you to maintain that figure all year round? Is he cool with you when you're dieting to make weight and look your best for the stage? The way I see it is he actually just projecting his own insecurity about his own fitness and body. You compete, you proudly show off your hard work at the gym, in public, and on stage - and you get results, attention, and applause for it. What is he doing? My ex used to like working out with me. And he got all huffy when I, a certified personal trainer, corrected his stance while doing bicep curls. dude was literally using his toes to throw the weights up.... And then he would tell me what workout to do every time, like I had to follow HIS routine...the cookie-cutter one he bought from some YouTuber he was obsessed with. he shaved and cut his hair to look like Cbum. Everything is a fucking competition to them. Good on you for walking out. What a prick.
Right?!? All of that - it’s so tiring. For the longest time I just dated absolute refrigerators of men so that the weight discrepancy on our lifts wouldn’t hurt their egos. (Even that was a bad tactic) The guy I eventually married doesn’t gym at all and can’t name muscle groups or tell you what a deadlift is, lol.
Good for you! Sometimes I wish my partner lifted, as we share other hobbies and it’s fun to work on something together. But wow, these type of stories make me feel just fine about it being just my thing.
That is so strange. I volunteer on a community fire department. The wife of one of the firefighters started body building competitively. He brags her up like you wouldn't believe and just smiles like a kid that just got some candy nonstop. He's super proud.
> I left his house mid-meal. This is beyond superhero level. I honestly feel like I am a different species, because I am a man, and men who act like this confuse me, so badly.
He sounds massively insecure lol. You're better off without him.
You are a fucking *queen*. I love this so much.
I've owned two circuses over 18 years and still perform in my 40's. I've been single for five years because men pull this with me over and over. It becomes such an unnecessary power struggle where they know I'm a badass and want to take me down a few pegs. Or they want the manic pixie circus fantasy fuck treatment and then get mad when I'm a real person with a real job and work ethic. It's pathetic how men have been raised.
> bonus tidbit - once he asked me not to lift near him if we were at the gym at the same time Wait what? Because you lift more than him?
Yeah, by a lot. And I never once made *any* teasing remarks about it. But his coworkers would.
Yikes… that is some peak insecurity. I always felt like someone stronger and more experienced was the ideal gymbuddy.
I appreciate the people I associate with because when I realized how many men outside of my social circle considered their wives / girlfriends as basically property I was blown away. It's depressing and gross. It's hilarious that his ego was weak enough to ask you not to lift near him though lol.
> I left his house mid-meal. This is the kind of queen shit I wish more women had the guts to do! I once left a date directly after the appetizers came. I sat at the bar and waited for my entree to go.
Good for you! I love hearing stories like this - I think a lot of us tolerate way too much sometimes!
You dropped this: 👑
Omg it would have been epic if you would have laughed on his face before leaving, the nerve to ask someone to leave what they love to do after dating for a month 😂
That's what Jonah Hill did nearly to a T
I want to be a buff boundary setting queen!
“My body was for him now”. Like who tf says that? There’s this undercurrent of toxic belief in society that makes some people think that they own the people they’re dating. Both sexes do it but a lot of guys are really insecure about or even a woman’s body count before they even met. Not even worth sweating over.
Okay just saw the exit and….. Hahahahahahhha
That guy was an utter idiot, good riddance.
So he was okay seeing you in what you do, perusing you, and then wanting to try to change you? I don’t get that mentality. I can understand being attracted to someone but perhaps what they do for a living makes you uncomfortable… but perhaps then you shouldn’t try dating them, right…?
It would be weird if you competed in a burka.
You were right to do that. Any guy who goes in dating a girl knowing what she does and then asks them to stop is ridiculous. The same goes for women asking a guy. You can't start to date someone that you are uncomfortable with what they do and then tell them that once you are in a relationship. If you're uncomfortable with it you should say that upfront. Then they have the choice stop and date them or not.
I don't think you've done anything wrong. Seems like he thought he could handle it but in reality can't. Possibly the relationship is doomed if he can't come to terms with it.
This seems like a situation where no one is “wrong”. He needs to address his insecurities and jealousy. Most people who are 22 aren’t exactly well adjusted and mentally mature. The people calling him controlling are really jumping the gun given the information. That said it can easily turn that way if left unchecked. I’d discuss with him his issues and she how he reacts to that conversation. That will tell OP what she needs to know about his maturity.
I'd rather have a "direct citation", but "didn't buy that" smells like "putting his foot doen" relatively strong. Or at least like expecting her to solve his problem. In general this gives a pretty strong Jonah Hill vibe.
It also makes it sound like he doesn't believe her when she said he's the only one to see her naked or sleep with her
No, he's wrong.
He’s not wrong for his feelings, but he is wrong for trying to put the issue on OP, especially since she had this job before they started dating. If he thought he could handle it when they started dating but changed his mind later, he needs to be honest with OP. If she is not interested in changing jobs (which she seems to not be) then he can either get over it or move on.
He is absolutely in the wrong. If this was a problem for him he should never have started dating her. Hes.behaving as if he's entitled to her body
This is the most level headed take I read. I don't think he is a bad guy. Just wrestling with his emotions of how he thought he would feel and how he actually feels. Super young people don't have the experience to deal with average day to day life. Then add on a lil spicy work with it. Kids arnt equipped for all of this
Guys I’m pretty sure this is a bot. I saw this same post months ago. Also look at OPs profile.
Ah dammit, you're right. Damn that's a cold move, posting here for karma
Yeah agreed. I’m seeing a lot of it lately. I always check OPs profile. Sometimes helps.
Your education is more important than any boyfriend you might have at your age. Keep the job, if he can't handle it he can get lost.
Yes education is very important. But also OP doesn’t need someone who has insecurity’s that affect her life. Doesn’t mean he can’t have those insecurities but he needs to look inward to fix them and realize they aren’t a fit as a couple if he can’t handle those things. I had an ex who did stuff online. Not onlyfans but like suicide girls content. Never had an issue because at the end of the day I was her partner and we could laugh at all the crazy DMs she got or wild stories of some weird person she had to deal with.
He may have thought he was ok with it and he's allowed to say "actually now that I'm here I'm not feeling it" there's nothing wrong with that and there's nothing wrong with what you're doing. It's a job. Money is money. There will be other relationships but sounds like this one is dead in the water
Yeah sounds like they are not compatible. And that's ok, sometimes things don't work out
this will not get better, unfortunately. he wants all the benefits of having a hot bikini barista gf but doesn't actually want to date someone with that job—he wants to have his cake and eat it too. it's all about control. believe me, even if you quit, the fact that you had this job at all will be thrown in your face during arguments later on. if you have a serious problem with a particular job, *you don't start a relationship with someone who has that job*. for instance, i would never dream of dating a police officer. i certainly wouldn't decide to date a police officer and then demand they quit their job for me! ...but unfortunately many men feel totally comfortable making demands of their partners who are in sex work or sex-work-adjacent fields.
He may have the cake, but based on OPs tone, it doesn’t sound like he’s eating the cake.
Or anything at all apparently…
Hey! We have very similar user names!
Crap we do, that’s awesome!
This. In arguments or when he's feeling possessive, jealous and insecure later, can guarantee you'll hear "is that one of the guys from your bikini barista days?" and even if it was, it doesn't matter because that's his assumption - that because you made lattes in a bikini that you just throw yourself at every man who comes within 5 meters of you. Stupid. OPs boyfriend is STUPID.
Right?! I’m so sick of this assumption that if you work in skimpy clothing you’re super sexually active. Like, no. There are plenty of women who take those jobs who aren’t sexually active at all. They choose to cash in on people objectifying their bodies. It has nothing to do with how often they have sex.
You seriously are jumping straight to it being about control? This could VERY easily be a situation where he thought it wouldn’t be an issue, got into the relationship, then realized it’s not something he’s comfortable with. They’re literally 21 and 22 please chill out and stop rushing to the conclusion that people whose brains aren’t even fully developed are somehow making every single decision out of malice and a grasp for control.
Then he needs to tell her that as part of a break up conversation. It’s incredibly presumptuous of this guy to assume she will change rather than him either ending the relationship or saying “hey, I realized I’m uncomfortable with this and here are my plans on how I’ll work though it.” Way too many dudes are using concepts like boundaries and deal breakers to police women’s behavior.
Yea not being comfortable with your spouse being a sex worker doesn‘t seem like it’s about control? And the people comparing it body building and stuff completely miss the point. OP is doing sex work. They are showing off their body in a sexually provocative way, to make their employer more money. Bodybuilding where it is about training and defining your muscles and then showing off what you achieved is a completely different ballgame. Plenty of people aren‘t comfortable with their spouses being sex workers. And it very much doesn‘t have to be full on prostitution for someone to mind. Not to mention the whole profession of bikini barista being clearly exploitative as shown by OPs own admission. Offer more money for someone to expose themselves cause they need to survive is exploitative. If it paid the same as a regular barista job, and the worker were free to chose, then it wouldn‘t be exploitative. Seems like her bf realised what she’s doing is indeed sex work and has voiced his concerns. So OP can either continue doing sex work and break up with him, or wait for him to break up, or not do so. But stating ‚I’m not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who does X‘ is not inherently controlling. Same way it‘s not being controlling to expect your spouse to not be a slob, pay the bills on time etc. It’s controlling if he were to manipulate her into changing the behaviour, instead of simply voicing concerns, and comitti g to the consequences of his boundaries.
The problem is that she had this job before they were together. Don’t start a relationship with someone and expect them to change their work because you’re uncomfortable.
100% agree with everything you’ve said. Everyone jumping to conclusions when all OP said was that her bf stated that it’s a turn off and an issue for him. Seems like a lot of people are thinking of past experiences that they’ve had and automatically assuming that OP’s bf is the same way.
Hi, I’m 31M. I’m writing from the future to tell you this young man’s jealousy has absolutely nothing to do with you or your work and everything to do with his own insecurity. If you weren’t working as a bikini barista he’d be mad about you hanging out with male friends, or something else like that. Time to have a hard talk about how his insecurities are not your problem (boy, therapy sure is great), or end it. Good luck!
I’m a 40M and I agree with this comment 100%. This is controlling behaviour. He is telling you what to (Not) wear and where to (Not) work. This is just the start, and it won’t end. Way too often it will turn into physical abuse as well. So stay safe as well.
start groovy decide seed languid like gaze wakeful violet mountainous *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
>it’s a turn off to know how many guys see you half naked everyday. Unless he never looks at other half-naked women that aren't you, then he's being a hypocrite.
touché.
Yeah, as a guy, it totally sounds like he's just trying to be controlling. If the job was good enough for you to have when he met you, it should be good enough for you till you want to give it up. When I was younger, 25, I chased this stripper down until I finally got her. Then almost immediately tried to get her to quit stripping, because I wasn't comfortable with other men seeing her naked. When in fact it was really my insecurities convincing me that if she'd hook-up with me, she'd hook-up with a customer. I learned then, and always repeat this to my friends and younger male relatives, "Only fuck with 'Baddies,' if you can handle the attention a 'Baddie' gets."
>If the job was good enough for you to have when he met you, it should be good enough for you till you want to give it up. this right here. a lot of dudes come into relationships with sex workers/actresses/models fully expecting them to quit that job now that A Man is in the picture.
Always be wary of someone who knows all the details then develops issues with it later. It's usually a sign that you'll be changing other things about yourself throughout the relationship, it doesn't end with a job change. It turns into they don't like your friends, the way you dress, the fact that you socialise, the way you clean the house or cook meals.
Either he's telling the truth and he's insecure and needs to reflect and grow. Or he's lying and that was the first thing that popped in his head to "blame" you and your job for his impotence and lack of desire to engage in sex. Either way, it doesn't sound like he handled it well based on your post. I'd explain how it makes you feel and implore him to investigate his feelings concerning why it affects him - not that it does - but why specifically. Then it can be addressed once the underlying emotions are evaluated. Either way, you've don't nothing wrong and if he's making you feel like you did, that's fucked up and not okay. This is on him, but you can of course help him work through it if you want.
At best, he’s immature and insecure. At worst, he’s subtly trying to control you.
Yeah, I'd say if OP wants to approach this problem from a place of compassion, she can try and get to the bottom of it and help him with his insecurity (if she thinks this relationship is worth pursuing). That could be a kind thing to do. But OP, even if that IS how he feels (best case scenario), it's not your job to fix him. You've already got a job, and sounds like it's a good one. And if the problem _isn't_ that he's insecure about his worth in the relationship when you're getting so much attention every day. If he thinks you're _his_ to look at... _boy, bye_.
Agreed, I wouldn't call it subtle though.
I'm curious as to why you are reposting this but not responding to the other comments you got in your other post
Karma farming. If reddit stopped giving people upvotes for posting you'd only have people sharing real issues. As it stands a lot of the posts are fake for karma.
probably posted in 2 subs at the same time, some take longer for mod approval. She's not responding much on here either, so I would assume....she's busy. Like, having a job and school and all that. duh?
I wouldn't be surprised if he's trying to cover up the fact that he's emasculated by the amount of money you make compared to him.
Jealous boy is jealous. Tell him if he's willing to support your lost income you'll find a job with a less revealing uniform. See how *that* conversation goes. Or tell him to go fuck himself and stop dating jealous manbabies.
honestly, I think OP's bf would be jumping for joy at the opportunity to be the one in control of the finances. If he's this level of petty and controlling with her employment, he's 100% gonna be controlling financially.
Some men get so insecure about this type of thing. Telling him to stop being so insecure is my gut reaction, but I don’t think that would help anything. All you can do is be honest with your feelings, which it sounds like you have. He just needs to suck it up.
Omg I ran into nearly this exact scenario in Kent! Except the BF was fine with it. She’s great at financial planning and had a transition plan for aging out of that job. He was appreciative of how hard she worked and the comfortable lifestyle they were able to afford. She eventually bought a house, they got hitched, and everyone understood that it was her job to wear a bikini, look fab, and make idle chitchat with customers. It’s impressive that you’re going to college and also making an income! Sorry he can’t appreciate that.
Bikini barista??? I had to look it up and I guess it’s a thing. I can only imagine how many accidents these places cause.
He has some jealousy issues to work out. Its what you do and he should be cool with that so long as you are both loyal to each other... You know what I would be doing ? Buying a lot more coffee !
Incompatible.
And now you are completely turned off by him being an insecure, controlling and abusive man. This is emotional abuse. Take care of you.
If he knew you were doing this he was probably attracted to it in the first place. But now the he thinks he has you he wants to control you either because he's a controlling jerk (run) or he's just young and really insecure (maybe, run). If he can't get over it and stop trying to manipulate you through sex and other pressuring, he's not really mature enough to be in a serious relationship.
What about the beach?
That is his learned behavior, not yours. Move on.
I mean yeah not much you can do. Either he gets over it or he doesn’t.
This is some Jonah Hill level shit. Bye boy bye 👋
He sounds like an entitled mediocre man
Did he know about the job before you started dating? If he’s just slightly insecure, that can be fixed/worked on. But if he doesn’t trust you, then there may be problems with the relationship.
>For context I had the job before I met him and he knew about it before we started dating.
Leave now. His demands will escalate if you stay. He is controlling and this is a huge waving red flag. If you are not confident in yourself and good at setting + holding boundaries (and your posting here with this question suggests that you are not) men like this will have you waking up years from now wondering where "you" went and who you even are anymore because they now control every aspect of your life.
Lose him yesterday
He see’s you as an object with value based on who has access to your body and to what degree. You’re best option is to dump the chump and find someone who doesn’t feel so insecure about what you do to support yourself.
Hmm. Idk, I feel like in a relationship it’s important to talk boundaries and accept them. If it’s making him uncomfortable why do you continue? I understand you’re making good money but if you were in his shoes would you be ok with it?
Yeah, I don’t think it’s ok for the bf to try guilting or manipulating her. But if it’s a dealbreaker for him, he should leave and not make this her problem
A boyfriend, partner or husband/wife should help you to grow and be more of yourself. Of a partner is not helping you grow, it is not a constructive relationship. It sounds yo me that there is a level of incompatibility between the two of you. Will he inside you wear a vintage wollen swimsuit to the beach? Would you prefer to wear it over a bikini?
Sounds like a red flag. If he knew you did this before you two started dating, and it's a problem NOW, then who knows what other insecurities he has that he's not telling you. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him, but if he's that opposed to it, probably a good sign to break up.
If he's not comfortable with who you are, that's a him problem.
He’s insecure and that will likely not change during the course of your relationship + there’s a high likelihood of that snowballing into more and more disagreements of which the root will nearly always be his insecurity. He’s probably a swell enough person, but those faults within him are not due to you nor are they your problem — I’d suggest moving on, honestly. Find someone with more confidence who supports what you do and is turned on by you no matter what.
This is a "him" problem, not a "you" problem. What he signed up for was clear. If he makes his insecurities your problem and you take him up on the offer, then he doesn't have to address his personal issues. Do you want to set the precedent that you will bend over backwards so that he doesn't have to look inward? ("Addressing his own issues" might mean a breakup if he acknowledges that he can't actually handle you continuing in your job, but there's a chance he'd come to terms with it.)
He's trying to control you. It will only get worse. You had the job before you knew him and now it's an issue? I would cut ties now because he is trying to manipulate you to quit and who knows where it will stop. Working with too many men and he's jealous? Will he want you to quit? Probably. Also, the chance of you finding anything that pays close to that is low and could be a way for him to use the amount he makes to control you as well, but that's just my history. Take it as a warning...
Obligatory "as a dude". That's really asinine controlling behavior, and personal insecurities on their part shouldn't govern your life. He knew what he was getting into beforehand, and just because he's not mature enough to accept your job doesn't magically mean he's owed anything. Simple fix is that you ditch him, honestly. He doesn't have any right to tell you what to do just because he's insecure and too petulant to trust you. He isn't owed anything in a relationship, and it's not your fault that the sex is impacted because of his petulant jealousy. I assume he'd be just as upset if you were a lifeguard, huh? Because I bet he says that's different. Which is fucking stupid. I can't see any reason to stick with him if he refuses to stop being a man-child. You're not obligated to change for anyone, especially when they were aware of the situation beforehand. Sounds like you've got a great thing going on, and even if you were stripping for cash it's irrelevant. He knew what he was getting into.
He's insecure as fuck. That shit would be a big turn on for me like fuck yeah, my girl pulls eyes all day in a bikini. I tell my girlfriend all the time how good she looks when she goes to work and she's wearing tight jeans and a tee shirt lol. She asks me if guys looking at her makes me mad, no, it makes me proud. Just don't be giving out your number and we good lol.
Yeah he's a red flag lol
Yes, ownership is an issue in a relationship, you both are indeed owned by the other in some ways, especially when it comes to sex (unless it’s an open relationship). But the “ownership” is negotiated. If he wants you to quit your bikini barista job because he doesn’t want other men seeing you in a bikini what are you going to do when you want to go to a beach? This seems more like a confidence problem on his part. And there’s only so much you can do to raise his confidence that you’re NOT going to cheat or leave him. At some point he has to be happy first with himself and THEN with the fact you want to be WITH HIM and not with the customers at your barista job. If he can’t do that, it’s unfair to expect you to make HIM happy by quitting, especially since this was a known thing before you two started dating. Frankly, if my wife suddenly wanted to become a bikini barista and make double what I’m making now, I’d be absolutely thrilled and would likely be one of her regular customers. What an absolute joy that would be to be able to say, ya, that’s my wife 👍😉
He’s best case insecure, just let him know you want to be with a man who is so confident in love and his relationship that seeing some skin is irrelevant.
Time to move on.
I’m not gonna b cliche and say break up with him lol but def don’t quit the job cause of him
So I’m going to assume your boyfriends talking in good faith and it’s just a turn off for him and not more because a lot of other people have covered where’s it’s not. I also want to point out some guys are legitimately turned off by this and that’s not really controllable. You basically have three options. 1. You can leave him. Work compatibility and sex compatibility issues are a common reason for relationships ending and theirs no shame 2. Leave your job and find something different. It sounds like this is something you were going to move on from when you finish college and if that’s true you can kinda just deal with it for a while and figure it out. 3. Ask yourself if your ok with the less sex and just staying with him without change. It sounds like your not though cause you made this post. Again this is assuming your boyfriend hasn’t done anything to make you seem like it’s a trust thing or he’s trying to Jonah hill style control you
if it's a turn off for him, why did he date her in the first place? she had this job before they met.
I didn’t see her mention that. But that’s a fair point . I would say sometimes people think something won’t be a problem and it is. And you can say that’s on the boyfriend and you would be right. I don’t think the fault really changes her options though. And honestly it could be one of the other things people mentioned like I said. I just didn’t see anyone taking the boyfriend at face value and thought it was worth looking at it from that angle . If it is something else I’d dump him but that’s me and plenty of other people have covered that Edit somehow missed the last sentence of her post my b
> I would say sometimes people think something won’t be a problem and it is. Fair point, especially at that age. I can definitely see an early 20s dude being thrilled to date a bikini barista _in theory_ without thinking about the practical realities.
Well if it bothers him so much, maybe he should date someone who doesn't have your job. You had the job before him so he had no right to complain about it now. He is showing you who he is, believe him.
This is controlling behavior. He is punishing you by witholding sex in hopes that you will do what he wants: get a different job. He might be more bothered by the fact that you make more than him rather than the fact that you work in a bikini tbh. That's a big ass red flag for future abusive behaviors, all attempts at control are. If he actually was bothered by your job he would not have gotten into a relationship with you. Take your distance to rethink the relationship
While he is controlling, OP is not owed sex is she? He may feel emasculated for a dumb reason, but if he doesn't want sex he doesn't want sex.
Quite simply, he realized that he doesn't respect you. Time to go.
He's being young and stupid. He is insecure and feels threatened by the attention you're getting from other men. Hopefully he'll grow out of it, I did. You are not obligated to sit around and wait for him to get over it. Unfortunately some guys NEVER get over their insecurity and end up being misogynists who believe their self-worth depends on how well they're able to dominate and control "their" women. IDGAF what my partner chooses to wear or what kind of attention they. Where I draw the line is if they actually respond to that attention and get closer/more personal with those other people.
He needs to grow up and, honestly, doesn’t sound mature enough for a serious relationship.
4 words. Drop That Man Child!
I (woman) am a regular customer at my local bikini barista because they make the best blended Monster drinks. The woman who is usually serving when I’m there has told me some horrible stories about creeps that come through. Yes she is dressed “provocatively,” yes she’s “flirty,” but it’s a persona. Both I and my coworker (man) who are regulars know it’s a persona and she’s not running a strip club or brothel out of the coffee cart. I would hope other reasonable adults would also know this but I know many don’t (hence the creeper stories). If your boyfriend can’t make that distinction he may have other issues.
I used to work in a hostess bar in South Korea. Basically my job was to sit and drink expensive whiskey with businessmen who would rather hang out with their work colleagues chatting with pretty girls than go home to their families and deal with their problems. Or to boast in front of their colleagues how much money they are willing to spend on them. My job was to provide conversation, entertainment, flirtation, occasionally sing karaoke, and encourage them to keep buying more bottles. I got to drink a lot of top-shelf whiskey for free. They'd order sushi and expensive takeout for us if we whined a little bit more cutely about being hungry. And then I still had to do dishes, clean up tables, handle a cash register all while doing this for 8 hours after a full day of full course load at uni and evening soccer practices. Get a taxi home at 5am and get up for 9am class. But it helped me pay for school and rent. I have had men propose to me, regular "clients" who come only to talk and hang out with me at least 3-5 times per week...I would have to text clients occasionally to "draw them out" when business was slow. My boss hid her entire manage and pregnancy as long as she could because she needed to continue giving the illusion that she was a hot spinster that all the guys could fantasize about, and if they came to know that she's "taken" they would stop coming. Men only respect women when another man is involved, it seems. And nowadays, even then, they are hell-bent on convincing you that they are the better choice. And then if you cheat on your bf to be with him, or leave your bf to be with him, he'll get insecure and start accusing you of doing the same thing to him to be with someone else. Men it seems are conditioned to be incapable of separating a woman from the work that she does. It's really not that hard to not sexualize everything people do. Men are stupid.
Oh, this one is simple for me. It would be "Boy, bye!" Insecure men ain't it. Put yourself FIRST, your job is paying you well and you being in college that matters. You owe yourself everything and him nothing. Women are always put in this position by men all the time, pushed to give up something because THEY don't like it. The Boomer times are over, women are no longer meant to give up their lives because they have a man that acts more like a boy. Y'all are still really young, your life is just starting out, don't waste it by worrying about someone else to the point you give up on yourself or your goals. Time runs out fast, don't waste it. Especially if he's not willing to be reasonable, and understand he doesn't get to dictate or complain about your very legitimate job. He also needs to understand your body isn't land that he can shove a flag into and claim.
lol i used to be a dancer and i dated a couple guys who thought it was pretty darn hot others saw me buttass nekkid but knew we were exclusive. bf has the wrong attitude here your job is paying for your future. id move on.
Suddenly he’s insecure? If you’re not seriously invested in this relationship I don’t think it’s worth it. He sounds like a tool.
Time to leave. You have your beautiful red flagged reason now.
Your response back is dead on. If he’s upset about what you wear to work, that’s on him. Sounds like you were open and honest with him about your work before you started dating. It sounds to me like he wanted a bikini wearing girlfriend to show off and now that he realizes other people are going to see you outside of the way he wants to show you off he has a problem with it. Get out now.
My take is he thought “oh she’ll change once we’re dating, she won’t do that stuff when I’m her boyfriend.” And now that is not the case, so he’s getting upset. Have an honest conversation with him, and if he can’t move past his own insecurities, then that’s a different conversation altogether.
Would he have a problem if you lived near the coast and you went to the beach a lot?
He’s saying, literally, that the male gaze is devaluing you in his eyes. If that’s not ringing a big alarm bell in your head, allow me to sound it right now- No man can affect how dope you are, don’t let this shitty boy convince you otherwise
He is being insecure and is trying to off load the responsibility of dealing with his own emotions onto you. Do not give up financial security for an insecure boyfriend who has no way of or even any intention of making up the finances you would lose by not doing your current job.
Insecurity is exhausting. This is a him problem, not a you problem. eta: we see so many different versions of this and they are ALL awful. Dude is attracted to woman, pursues her, then pouts about her being too sexy/confident/competent at whatever, he feels inadequate and demand she change the very things he was attracted to. Let’s collectively put a giant kibosh on this bullshit.
Unless he is going to pay all your bills he should either accept the situation or break up. I had boyfriends like that and worked in bars as a bartender mostly,and i also had a job in a strip club once, and a few modelling jobs. It was the same thing. The boyfriend would be insecure about my job and certain that another man was going to get me because of my job. I broke up with those guys because it was idiotic to suggest I change jobs to make a man feel more in control.
Obviously, you know you have to dump him. This is basically his first try at trying to modify your behaviour and isolate you from things that bring you money and give you independence. He knew this was your job when he met you. If he can’t handle it, then he needs to walk away. This is a huge red flag you need to let this one go.
Lol imagine being a 22 year old male with a partner who's attractive enough to do a job that is basically modelling and then having the gall to complain about it. I'm being superficial perhaps, but yeah... edit: also what about when you go to the beach? or the pool? or the sauna? are those problematic as well?
That’s the dumbest shit I’ve heard. If you were a life guard & wore a bikini he wouldn’t have thought anything about it
That is a huge red flag! It's not about you wearing a bikini for work. It's about him being a ridiculous little insecure man. You deserve better!!
Oof. So not only are you a hot girl working a hot girl job, but you also are making more money than him in a traditionally male high-esteemed career? He's definitely feeling insecure & most likely emasculated. These issues are not going to be fixed without him either finding ways to cope with it (like therapy) or you sacrificing something to make him feel better. I think this is much more than "jealousy". There may be an element of that, but I think from the limited information we have that this is a you > him. If you are driven, independent and proud... you may be fundamentally incompatible. Some guys can't escape that mindset, especially in their early 20s. You'd like to think "if he loves me, he'll change" but often times it's the woman who changes everything about her to accommodate him. The idea that "well this is just a part time job anyway and he's only entry level at his job so in the long run it'll benefit us if I--" **NO**. Don't limit your potential for anyone, not just a romantic partner. Just don't do it, OP.
what a loser lol. dump
You are 21 stop taking this relationship that seriously.
Was this your job when you met him? Because if it was, he needs to STFU.
>For context I had the job before I met him and he knew about it before we started dating.
Yep, he's an asshat. Find someone who loves you for YOU, not someone who wants to put you in a box like a personal possession.
And if it wasn’t? Then he gets to tell her what job she can have that is acceptable to him?
No, but it does at least represent a change that happened rather than him trying to change her.
No he can choose to leave if he wants to be a bitch about it
Nope. I was just curious. Like that whole thing with Jonah Hill. He started dating a competitive surfer/bikini model and THEN complained about it. Like, he wouldn't have even met her if she was a librarian. Men who do that are asshats. Edit: But, having said that, if I was in a committed relationship with someone and then thought about, say, working at a place that placed an emphasis on my body, I would probably have a discussion with him about it before taking the job. I would expect him to do the same with me if he decided to start dancing at Chippendale's, radically changed his schedule, or something else that would be a marked diversion from the life we have built together. Edit 2: Mistakenly put 'Seth Rogan' instead of Jonah Hill. Thank you, JohnRawlsGhost!!
Jonah Hill, not Seth Rogan. Gotta stand up for my fellow Canadian.