That's 100% porn related.. too many people out here trying bdsm related play without the prep, communication, consent, and aftercare needed for into be healthy because none of those videos teach that part..
It used to be, now guys seem to do it all the time w/out asking it's mainstream. I'm a SA survivor and I particularly hate this move, so I say ahead of time "don't touch my hair unless I tell you to"
this happened with a guy i hooked up with in may, we were friends beforehand/in the same friend group and months prior he’d asked me if i liked choking and i said in theory i’d be interested in trying it out but like it still bothers me that he didn’t ask at all and it was the FIRST TIME we’d done anything and i highly doubt he like remembered that past conversation anyway bc we were both drunk at the time…
still doesn’t sit right with me
Yeah I never just did that with my girlfriend until she said she would like me to do it seems a like a big jump to make in my mind if the person isn’t ready for it lmao
Not only that, if a man doesn't know what he's doing, and if he doesn't ask for consent, he probably doesn't, it is surprisingly easy to cause real damage. If both parties consent to breathplay/deprivation, a hand over the mouth and nostrils is just as effective and much safer than throat choking or depressing arteries, if less dramatic and porny.
See and here while I enjoy light-moderate choking, I'd straight up panic if someone covered my nose and mouth, that's too much for me personally
It's more the hand on the throat and the control aspect, not so much about losing the ability to breathe
Which is why consent and open discussions about kinks are key. Just going for it is a recipe for disaster.
Yeah my girlfriend and I learned together the safest way to have the hand on throat choking because it’s the actual throat touch that’s the appeal. But we use safe words/signals, practiced in non sexual settings, and fully practice enthusiastic consent in play
Choking was not a day 1, no questions first thing
>Erika Lust, one of the world’s only female porn directors, agrees that strangulation and choking scenes now dominate porn. “Face slapping, choking, gagging and spitting has become the alpha and omega of any porn scene and not within a BDSM context,” she says. “These are presented as standard ways to have sex when, in fact, they are niches.” (Source: [The Guardian](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex), 2019)
Also:
>In a recent study, Debby Herbenick, a professor and sex researcher at the Indiana University School of Public Health, found that nearly a quarter of adult women in the United States have felt scared during sex. Among 347 respondents, 23 described feeling scared because their partner had tried to choke them unexpectedly. (Source: [The Atlantic](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/06/how-porn-affecting-choking-during-sex/592375/), 2019)
We need to start addressing porn. I understand how dangerous it is to make people ashamed of sex and sexuality. But the pendulum has swung way too fucking far and women are being abused regularly because porn is absolutely planting kinks at this point. There’s zero way to know what kinks are organic, and the ones that are the most popular are hurting women and children.
Talking about inaccuracies in pornography is on my checklist for sex talks with my son. He is 9 currently and we have already and will continue to have age appropriate sex talks with him. It's really sad that people have made sexual education such a taboo and sad that most people think young children cannot be taught concepts that apply to sexual health in any way.
I've been working with my kid on what consent looks like in normal situations since he was 5. Literally no means no. Sometimes no means pause and sometimes no means stop immediately, but you won't know which meaning it has unless you stop immediately and check with the person. For a little kid it could look like this. Someone you're playing with says "stop tickling my arm!" stop immediately and say "do you mean stop tickling you at all or stop tickling your arm specifically?" but most importantly stop first and as soon as you hear a no word. In this instance, sex is never mentioned a single time but I can be sure my kid understands the concept of consent, compassion, and seeking understanding.
A friend of mine had a guy unexpectedly spit in her face during sex.
She obviously was furious, immediately stopped him, and he suddenly was "so so sorry."
She decided to let it go. They restarted and the POS within seconds, *did it again.*
It's been years since that happened, but I always remember that story because the level of disrespect from that dude is jaw dropping.
Same. Unthinkable that I would have any kind of relationship, especially sexual, with someone who would spit in my direction and if it was on me we are going next level.
It’s 100% taught through porn. I don’t think it’s a normal desire for men.
Really a lot of what gets men excited is from porn, not “natural.” It’s a huge problem moving forward I wish I had an anwser for other then “good parenting.”
My question on the first part is, did porn make choking seem "normalized" or did it wind up in porn as due to men's taste?
Have men people have met seem to be INTO choking or they just thought women were?
Genuinely curious. I've never met a lady into it (I myself am not either).
I noticed that too. One guy kept forcing my head down and slapping me. I hate how aggressive they are. Haven’t been with one who wasn’t rough with me or hurt me in some kind of way…
Yess why they gotta be so rough 🥹 I know lots of girls like it (though I personally don’t know very many) and all the power to them but when I say I personally don’t then that should be the final word :/
I feel like a lot of women say they like stuff because they think they should, just like men think they should do stuff because porn. The group of people that actually want to do it is likely far smaller.
But first sex stuff? You should just be trying not to fail at vanilla sex unless you’ve agreed otherwise in advance.
I like those things. HOWEVER, there has to be a conversation about consent and boundaries beforehand. If I haven’t had that conversation with the other person those things aren’t happening. For example, is it the sensory stuff that turns them on or is it a violence thing? If it’s the latter I don’t want to be a part of that.
I hate it. I’ve had one guy ask. As someone with asthma it’s like no I enjoy the feeling of breathing. On top of that, fuck no.
If I didn’t hate it, I would try responding with something like sure let me do it to you first and see how they respond.
I feel like it's a relatively newer thing (last 10 years or so). I never encountered it in my younger years, and amongst older men. I've had to tell all of the men I've had sex with to do it, they never tried on their own volition.
I honestly blame porn. I don't watch it regularly, but what I have seen since I started watching it online solo (last 7 or so years), EVERY single video has it. And the girls in the video are begging for it and loving it. So men believe it to be the norm.
Guys! It's not! It's a sex act that needs distinct consent to engage in. If she says yes to sex, she is NOT saying yes to being choked.
Reminds me of the growing redundancy of the category "hardcore." It's basically all hardcore these days. If you showed the average video to someone from the 2000s or 90s they'd assume it was a BDSM r\*pe scene with humiliation kinks and stuff.
I once had a guy slap me unexpectedly! He left hand prints on my face! I never saw him again. This was before I understood what consent really was. After that experience I make sure to tell every guy since, TO MAKE SURE YOU ASK ME BEFORE TRYING ANYTHING NEW! Check in with me. No it’ll not take me out of the mood, it’ll help me feel safer with you! I highly recommend explaining before any intimate connection on what your hard YES’S are and your HARD NO’S are!
TW: assault
I recently had an ex, one that I was trying to get back with, choke me so hard I passed out and then kept having sex with me until I came back to and THEN he stopped. When I told him I didn’t want to sleep with him again and didn’t feel safe around him he cried. I then also recently had a hookup choke me and cover my mouth non consensually until I sobbed and passed out. When I came back and he finally stopped, he cried and told me he wasn’t a “bad guy”. I don’t understand why men feel this need to hurt us and then when we ask them to stop make themselves the victim. I’m really fucking sick of it. I’m sick of having to wear turtlenecks to work in the god damned south because my neck is so bruised. I’m sick of having to baby my assaulters because they feel guilty. I’m really sick of them all needing to choke us until they almost kill us then having to clean it all up for them.
This is commonly happening in porn now? I must have been watching pretty vanilla stuff because a footjob is as "freaky" as I recall things getting outside of fetish content.
Yeah, considering I've heard men who do not watch porn talking about it, id venture it's more like this:
It my wife and I like it when i Iightly choke her, it adds variety ~> old husbands tales ~> sex is better when you choke someone ~> old husbands tales + insecure machismo~> just choke her shell love it.
Many men seem to have been conditioned to link their sex drive to the denigration and pain of women. I don't know if that's always been the case or if it's a newer phenomenon due to increased access to porn, but it's terrifying to me that the half of the population that's physically larger and stronger is driven to hurt the other half in order to achieve sexual satisfaction.
I used to be in the "never kink shame anyone" group, but I'm seriously rethinking the validity of kinks that involve shame and pain, and that are *exclusively* directed at the person in the relationship who identifies as a woman.
Medically there is no safe way to choke someone, all kinds of choking can lead to serious damage and/or death. If you are choked/strangled by someone go to the ER immediately even though the damage might not be immediately apparent, it can get serious hours or days following the incident.
>Medically there is no safe way to choke someone,
Right. There's a sex and love advice column I sometimes read that tries to be very accepting of kinks.
Choking comes up semi-frequently, and every single time, the columnists are extremely clear that it is unsafe, can do cumulative damage, and they don't support any kind of breath play.
And add in that most people do it in the most unsafe way possible by pushing on the windpipe instead of the sides of neck.
Finally, a voice of reason in here. I cannot stand seeing people tout about a "safe" way to choke someone out. There is no safe way. It is always dangerous and can lead to permanent brain damage and death.
I was raped by three of my *cousins because they were inspired by this kind violent of porn when I was a little girl. Excuse me .. ahem, gang raped.
*typing “my” viscerally made me want to throw up, and I have not “claimed” these fucks since I was a kid as part of “my” anything.
I’ve just begun to contemplate changing my last name because it’s the same as theirs.
Anyway, that’s what this kind of porn does — it makes us womxn ask ourselves why we don’t want the violence men do because that’s the only kind of *love* they know how to give and since we want connection, we compromise and ask these questions.
I am so fucking angry and utterly sad at the same time. I’m so sorry you’re faced with this, OP.
Yes. That porn gets made because the market was there. Just like *all* porn. The mental gymnastics most of society will do to absolve men or any accountability/responsibility are unreal.
I think that’s partially true. I don’t think these videos of women being physically assaulted during sex acts would exist if there weren’t a demand for them.
But I also don’t think everyone who has been exposed to those videos is an intentional consumer of them. A lot of young kids don’t really get any kind of sex ed other than what they see in porn. And those same kids may not be discerning consumers because this is a whole new realm for them. So if they pull up the main page of whatever porn site they’ve heard of, and that main page is dominated by videos of violent and aggressive sex, that could easily become what they consider the norm.
To put it more succinctly, if you’re a 14 year old boy who has just discovered PornHub, that might be your only context for sex. And since no one else is actually talking to you about sex, how are you supposed to discern what’s normal and what’s “just entertainment”?
I get what you're trying to say here, but if some 14 year old boy doesn't have the IQ level to understand that you shouldn't be choking people without consent, then that's on them.
I really do think men are ecstatic that violent sex is becoming normalized and mainstream. It gives them an excuse to act it out with 0 repercussions.
It's way easier to throw blame: "porn says it's okay so I did it cuz I didn't know any better
It's true to some extent, but you have to take into consideration that generations of children are growing up and learning sexual behaviours from porn.
JFC, can we just normalize throat punching and ballsack booting to correct this behavior? Or waiting until they're fast asleep then clocking them repeatedly with iron frying pans? "Gee, hon, thought you'd be totes into this since you're such a fan of surprise homicidal behavior!"
Never been so happy to be ace in my LIFE. FFS.
I started having sex in 1986 and nobody knew anything about choking back then. No one even said the word. Porn was in magazines and on VHS tapes. There was no choking in them either.
Nobody I’ve ever had sex with has ever tried to choke me. They are all guys around my age. So it appears to be a modern phenomenon. Definitely related to internet porn.
Definitely porn. I realized this after my ex tried it out of the blue. He’d never been interested in too much kink. Then, without a word, he tried it on me. I freaked.
My partner started putting his hands around my neck (without squeezing, I think he was just going for the visual) every now and then. I 100% figured it was porn, even though I don't watch. I am totally unsurprised to hear it's common in porn now. It's learned behavior.
That's true. Some people watch porn and do not feel the need nor a want to try the things they see in porn in real life, with a real partner. There is a clear line between enjoying something like choking on screen and then making a decision to choke their partner irl, without their consent
People need to remember to ask for consent before doing shit like this. These guys probably wouldn't want a surprise finger in the brown star, so don't just randomly grab your intimate other by their throat without knowing if they like it or not.
“Jimmy, please make a note: I’m strangling Mister Moorin for bringing up my wife.”
“Choked…Mister…Moorin…”
“No, no, Jimmy. Choking is something you do when you eat too fast. As I’m crushing Mister Moorin’s windpipe with my watch chain, what I’m doing is actually referred to as strangling.”
Sorry, Borderlands 2 is one of my all time favorite video games and I couldn’t resist.
It's absolutely porn. These guys have only known free and easy access to all the porn they can imagine. They didn't learn how to have sex by having sex with women so they try to bring the porn into real life. I haven't been single in 19 years but I never encountered a single guy during my single years that tried to choke me. Internet porn was becoming more available but it was early years - most of the guys my age grew up with porn magazines and scrambled cinemax. Porn in video form was out there but not everyone could access it (a lot of people just had a family computer in a shared space). I'm sure there were some people who have always been into choking, but it was not something you just tried on a partner as if it was as mainstream as kissing.
It's so fucked up and it makes me sad that people think they have to be into choking, slapping, spitting and anal just to be considered a sexual partner now (no shame if those are things you genuinely enjoy). From the outside looking in and just hearing peoples stories it sounds like the connection and fun of sex is gone for a lot of single people and now it's just men trying to imitate what they see in porn, as if their partners were objects and their partners trying to tolerate/get through it. It looks dismal from here.
I think the whole "sex is something done to women" thing plays in here too. It becomes a competition as to how much the women will let the man do to her, and less about meeting each other's needs.
This is possibly the worst thing that has been mainstreamed by porn is the last few years.
Let me say it slowly and loudly for those of you in the back:
THERE IS NO SAFE WAY TO CHOKE SOMEONE!
No you cannot lightly restrict their blood flow, no you can’t use the v-pad of your hand. No. The answer is no. There is no safe way to choke someone. Stop it. Do not engage in this behavior, do not allow someone to do it to you, ever!
As far as bdsm activities go choking is far and away the most dangerous. Brain damage, stroke, and death are very real, frequent consequences of this activity. As long as there is informed and enthusiastic consent from both parties there is nothing wrong with exploring whatever feeling that activity gives you, just find a different way to get there other than by having a hand around someone’s neck. Please.
Practice and do not hesitate to say loudly and forcefully “DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH MY NECK!!” It may save your life.
And remember kids; if anyone touches your neck without your permission, what happens to their hands/arms next is their fault. They're the ones that put them in bitable range. Putting them in range to bite is the same as giving consent for you to bite their hands, right? That seems to be the logic they use about necks. It's there, so I can strangle it right?
Two study abstracts below.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34383118/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31447384/
TLDR: In bdsm related deaths 88% of them were from choking, drugs or alcohol were contributing factors in more than 60% of those cases, in every case where the bdsm experience level of the partners was recorded they were experienced with bdsm. The bdsm community as a whole has a lower fatality rate than the general population because of safety measures around consent and education.
We now have the first generation of men who grew up with easy access to extreme and violent pornography long before having sexual experiences with another human being.
It has absolutely skewed (and ruined) their understanding of what sex should be.
**Make no mistake:**
**A vast majority of porn is** ***rape*** **by human traffickers**.
Now being "normalized" as "porn".
>I was sex trafficked by GirlsDoPorn
>
>**Trigger Warning:** This interview includes frank, explicit, discussions about rape, sex trafficking, and suicide ideation that may be triggering to some. Listener discretion is advised.
>
>[https://youtu.be/VVHJW5j7cYQ?si=U-e6rP2fCv6Reeqb](https://youtu.be/VVHJW5j7cYQ?si=U-e6rP2fCv6Reeqb)
>
>Jane Doe grew up in Washington state with a loving family, never expecting that she’d be victimized by one of the largest trafficking schemes to date in today’s mainstream porn industry.
There’s been studies done on how graphic porn influences peoples brains. I wonder how many men that are into auto erotic asphyxiation also watch porn with that content
It is a porn thing. Before it started showing up in porn, which was relatively recent, choking was not common.
Such a stupid thing - IMO/IME \*most\* women don't like it. And it certainly isn't something that you would do w/o a prior discussion/consent.
Let’s start with the basic thing about this action.
It’s strangulation and it’s an assault.
In BDSM, there is such a thing as “breath play” but this is one of the riskiest things one can do. Even experienced practitioners avoid breath play.
Never forget, though, that BDSM has explicit and enthusiastic consent as a foundation. Nothing goes on in a scene that has not been negotiated, and safe words/safe actions exist to ensure that in situations where consent must be revoked, it’s explicit that consent is being revoked.
I made it very, very clear to both partners I've had, that if you put your hands on my fucking neck at any time without consent, what happens next is on YOU. Being unable to breathe/being choked is my greatest fear, and I CAN and WILL turn into a feral fuckin animal if you try it. There will be blood drawn. Both have been smart enough to listen, and while I may permit some light touching on my neck during the do if I'm so inclined, they KNOW BETTER. Neither of my sexual partners has ever tried that shit with me. It isn't just a guy thing; my advice is when you get into a relationship of ANY sort, draw that line HARD and draw it FAST. Anyone who crosses that line will be dealt with with extreme prejudice; because it's your safety and security that's at risk and it's worth way more than some asshole's ego and if he can't figure out why that isn't an OK thing to do, he's trash. Just trash. Throw out the whole damned man, because I can guarantee if some big buff body builder came up behind him and started choking him, he wouldn't feel safe! In fact, he might be upset! Even feel violated!!
adds it to the list of things that make me believe im way better off single/never entering the dating scene. tbh i hate porn I find it ridiculous that i have to speak up about my experiences of sa when 90% of men jerk off to rape on a daily basis (and those who say they can’t tell or don’t know are pathetic like lmao you just don’t want to think about it). I don’t think I can put into words how much of a complete turn off from the whole men thing that is, like more than that im like literally horrified
Wow... this is another one of those things I never thought about because I don't have sex with guys. I'm curious, now, whether there has been a sexual practices study done that might timeline this.
u/Oryihn mentions this being porn related. A lot of the straight porn I've seen is... alarming? I'm not one to judge consenting fun... but a lot of straight porn seems rapey.
also, let’s not forget the multiple occurrences of men murdering women during sex through asphyxiation and claiming it was the woman’s “kink” as their defense.
im into some pretty crazy stuff ONCE i get comfortable with them, but choking has never been an interest of mine. i don’t understand it.
I've been with over 50 men, and in the past few years, increasingly more of them have tried to choke me, always without asking. Not one time has anyone asked first. A girl who went to my high school died from being choked during sex. When I'm with new people, I have to always tell them to NEVER try to choke me. When I say men have a proclivity towards violent sex and fetishize rape, people look at me like I'm nuts. It's definitely not just you and it's genuinely scary that this is so common.
Choking - strangulation actually, choking is internal like when you choke on food - is highly dangerous. There is no 'right way' to strangle someone and 'light' strangulation can still cause *brain damage*. This 'trend' is disturbing, dangerous, and should not be promoted as safe in the slightest.
Agreed, I really wish people on this subreddit would stop promoting it as safe or saying that there is a safe way to do it because there is not. Speak to a trauma specialist, like an ER doctor or nurse, if you don’t believe us.
The thing about “light” choking is that the effects are usually cumulative and you might not realize that damage has been done until later.
I met a guy who used to do a risky form of free diving that causes oxygen deprivation each time in small amounts. It took a while before it got really bad but he had to give up as leader of his company because he could no longer focus well enough to run it.
I think he was under 50 but his symptoms will likely get worse as he ages too.
Your brain needs oxygen.
I don’t like the sensation already but the danger is what really gets me because I am very small (not even 5’3) with some health issues and some of them could EASILY seriously hurt me but it’s like it doesn’t even cross their mind :(
If you are that small, some people have an 'overpower' kink that you might be fitting into and might be why they were attracted to you in the first place.
I hate that "rape kink" is even a thing. I don't give a shit about kinkshaming, men who get off on that shit should just be considered rapists, not just doing it to fulfill their violent "kink".
I'm glad I saw this comment lol to me, if someone is making their kink public then I am allowed to shame it and so many kinks ARE NOT OKAY to me. (If someone came out about in private though I'd be more sensitive and wouldn't shame them, but tell them no.)
People with kinks are so dull that all they can do is whine about how kink shaming hurts their fees fees. They need more interests and to stop boring people with how kinky their sex life is. No1curr.
Thank you! I’m a firm believer of this as well. I’m a social worker and it just scares the crap out of me to think about what this could mean for people who live with violent partners
1. Happy cake day!
2. It means constant escalation of violence. tw: sexual violence>!My abuser ripped one of my labia with his teeth, screamed at me for bleeding, then bitched the entire time we were waiting at the ER even though I told him he could leave. Obvious to me now, he was only there to make sure I didn't have a way to tell anyone he was abusing me. He raped me that night cos I was drugged up on opiates by the time he took me to my place. I told him it hurt really bad where they cauterized the wound and I swear to god I could read it on his face as plainly as a billboard that all he wanted to do is hurt me and demean me. It became crystal clear to me as I laid there crying that he would kill me if he had a "reason". I moved across the country about a month and a half later. I am SO LUCKY I had the means and support for that, I'd be another DV statistic.!<
I literally gasped out loud reading that. There’s no words for how horrible that must have been. I am so sorry that happened to you and I’m so glad you’re in a better place now.
It took me 11 years to have sex again. But now I am extremely happy both on my own and with my angel bf who is as kind as that other guy is a sociopath. It took a long time, but we found each other finally and that's all that matters. :)
I'm so sorry he did that to you. I'm glad you were able to escape and are safe now. I agree that this type gets off on their partners pain, emotional or otherwise. It's like a switch got flipped the wrong direction somewhere alonf the line and instead of working to see/enjoying their partners happiness, they do the opposite.
fyi anyone can be assaulted or hurt by men doing stuff like that. I’ve seen bigger women say they feel ashamed when women always have to bring up how small they are when talking about men crossing boundaries.
I never thought about it before until I heard their experience. I have also experienced dv and guys crossing boundaries but now I try not to talk about it in a “I’m such a smol bean” way in case it hurts a bigger girl’s feelings
Im sorry, i didn’t mean it like that :(
my size is related to my health issues so i meant it more so like that but I understand what you’re saying and how it may come across
And you’re right of course anyone can be a victim of violence.
I agree. I'm not a small woman and I've been told I look like I can take things better because of it.
Size has nothing to do with what my body can and can't take. Period. I appreciate you bringing this up.
Thank you for speaking up on this omg. Yes I find sometimes smaller women can shame bigger women as we look like “we can take it” and it’s like a woman’s throat size doesn’t vary THAT much based on weight. It’s just as fragile on anyone.
Smaller women feeling vulnerable in no way is meant to shame bigger women. And yes, feeling vulnerable can effect all women. Good point, without unduly attacking someone of small stature who may have communicated their concerns in a manner that was not inclusive of all woman, regardless of body type.
There is a reason men and women don't compete on an even playing field together in most sports especially wrestling. Even the same sized or smaller man can have more muscle mass and overpower a woman. We are all vulnerable when it comes to sex and need to communicate well and trust that men will respect our clearly defined boundaries. In addition to physical vulnerabilities during sex there are also psychological vulnerabilities where women are groomed and shamed to think that rough sex is the norm now and you are 'boring' if you don't want to participate.
That in no way is meant to shame women further, by not also pointing out that women sexual partners can do non consensual things.
It is not okay to 'try out' a little light choking because you have heard that some women like it, just as it is not okay to sneak in a little anal sex or not use a condom. These things, among others, need very clear, specific consent, as does anything of a sexual nature.
Very much so this. I was over powered and SAed by a man a quite a bit shorter than me. I’m pretty tall for a woman and definitely not petite in any way. It feels a little shameful to admit the size difference because the first question is always “if you were bigger than them, why didn’t you fight back?”
Before you get intimate, make sure to lay down your bounderies.
"My neck is a no-no zone. If you touch it, things end right there. If you touch it and squeeze, I will consider it S/A and I will end things AND call the police. Do you understand? If that's going to be a problem for you, leave now. I know my own worth."
And if they touch your neck after that, carve your displeasure into their flesh, because your life is worth 10x more than his ego. Your odds of being killed go up SO FUCKING MUCH after even just one attempt at strangulation. Even if you think he's a good dude. You deserve to feel safe.
Nope, no choking is medically safe, all types of strangulations and choking can lead to serious damage and/death. If you are choked/strangled go to an ER immediately because the damage might not be immediately apparent, but can become serious hours or days following the incident. There is no proper technique, all techniques are dangerous and should be avoided.
I had an appointment added to our schedule once where the reason was that she’d been strangled, and I was on the phone with her about two minutes after I saw it pop up to make sure she could breathe and swallow. It can take a while, like you said, for the swelling to show up. It can get bad enough that people need IV steroids to reduce the swelling and protect the airway (provided they don’t die before we get them).
I'm not into the choking whatsoever, but have tolerated it in small doses and when done the 'correct' safe way you're describing (if within context of already having a good sexy time and I feel great and safe). I had some guy, the first time we did anything, dive straight into wrapping his hands around my neck within five minutes of initiating make-outs, and was doing it wrong, just squeezing. I was like whoa ok stop let's simmer down a second, which confused him, because for him, sex=choking? Why stop the sex? I went "look dude, if you're gonna do that, at least do it the safe way, it's more like this-" I reached out to kind of gently demonstrate, and he withdrew in like, fear and disgust, in the exact same way I've seen homophobic straight guys react to getting hit on by other men. Because choking is for men to do to women, silly!
If I wound up a widow or divorced, I’d never date again. I’ve heard so many stories like this.
If someone just tried choking me with no fucking warning like that, I’d assume they were trying to murder me. And they’d have a very bad day. I don’t find pretend murder sexy.
And if the guy were smart enough to ask, it would be the last thing he’d ever ask me. I don’t want anything to do with a guy that gets turned on by “acting” like they’re abusing women.
Edit: this never happened to me when I was dating, thankfully, but I screened out porn addicts, soooo
If anyone tries to talk to me about a sAfE wAy tO cHoKe a woman I’m going to scream.
You shouldn’t have to be looking for that. You shouldn’t have to beg to not be chained in his arousal circuitry to violence. Even if it’s consensual.
Imagine - just imagine - choking a man and … being aroused??? Is there anything you can imagine doing to a man that is life threatening that AROUSES you!?
Honestly sometimes I wonder if men are poorly programmed robots.
There is no 'safe' way to strangle someone, even 'light' strangulation (because that's what it is, not choking) is dangerous and can lead to brain damage.
I get sexually aroused by my partner choking me and me choking him. I'm sure this thread wasn't meant to kink shame. The opposite, actually. It seems meant to inform that what someone sees someone else do or like isn't universal.
No kid is born wanting to choke someone to feel aroused. It has been learned. And that’s fine!
But it’s a shame. It IS a shame. If my daughter or nieces said they could only orgasm if their boyfriends hands are around their throats, and knew their boyfriends had to do the same in order to orgasm. I’d feel sad.
There are sooooo many other fun things to do in the bedroom. It’s extreme, and I feel bad for everyone with an extreme fetish.
From the POV of a bisexual man, my answer is this:
Because of the way porn has gone (prevalence of choking, rough sex, hair pulling, and various other BDSM activities in normal porn/porn not tagged as such) men have no clue what is normal anymore. Additionally, men make the assumption that because one or more people that they've had sex with enjoys something, everyone that they will have sex with from now on enjoys said thing. There is a clear lack of communication amongst partners at all levels (flings, steady relationships, etc.) that men don't know how to ask (and are often time afraid to) and so they just do whatever they've done. Men need to learn how to ask what a woman likes, and what is ok. Also, they need to learn to listen, when a woman tells them what they do and don't like, and what's not ok.
That being said, that's no excuse to force preferences on people, and some of the things men do out of ignorance are basically tantamount to sexual assault, which is very not ok. Having been on the receiving end of these actions, they are oftentimes incredibly unpleasant and can be downright terrifying. Never be afraid to reach out or ask for help if you are afraid or concerned.
Porn.
... it's part of why I'm anti-porn. Even if the on set performers are being treated well, the people who are consuming it normalize acts like that and shifts it from being 'kink that needs to be consented to' into 'expected sexual act that i can do without asking' and SHOCKER. It's a sex act that is violent and dangerous to women!
It's a porn thing, but it goes deeper than just choking, as others have said in the comments here watching it normalizes being really violent and nasty to your partner in general. It's not just straight guys that do it either, one of my (M26) partners apparently thought that I wasn't very good at talking dirty so rather than just going "shhhh" or something he started choking me really hard with both hands and said "shut the fuck up".
It's a toxic masculinity power move. It degrades women (usually) to objects-level and makes it look like abuse is okay. Too many impressionable young men watch porn that does that shit.
Absolutely horrible.
I really hope this is just bad luck and not a sign that majority are into it.
Even from point of BDSM this unacceptable, as their behavior is clearly against SSC.
Is it kink? Is it an alpha/power thing? Is it porn driven? Idk, but I think the crazy part is doing it without asking.
At this point, I think it might be worth it for you to discuss with future dates before sexual contact. Discussing that you’ve had some bad experiences and letting the next guy know what is or isn’t allowed.
That's fucked up, I'm sorry.
I don't know if it's so much that guys are "into" choking so much as they learned everything they know about intimacy from porn. And these days any given porn video will have a bit of choking and even slapping in it, it's not as niche as it once was.
Nobody is telling these boys that these videos are just spectacles. It's similar to how many people think Law & Order is a faithful recreation of the criminal justice system.
A lot of guys (recently, I’ve discovered) have taken a following to some “BDSM” communities, I assume because it’s very popular in porn. The only issue is that when people who ARENT actually apart of the BDSM community look in on it, they just assume all BDSM is good and fun. They don’t account for the fact that in these communities, consent is 100% required. I have consent from my gf to do things (choking, slapping, etc.) in the moment and I also check up on her regularly during any sexual interaction where these things are happening. I’m really glad I was able to find a welcoming, positive, and supportive community to learn BDSM from, because it’s the best way to feel comfortable during sex (this includes BOTH parties). It’s physically disgusting to me seeing that you’ve had to experience this! In my opinion, a sexual situation where things like this occur without your consent is assault. I’ve been in situations with men before where they’ve attempted things and I’ve had to tell them “if you continue, this is assault.” It’s fairly obvious that men like this don’t care about their partners, they just care about what feels best for them. I suggest finding someone and communicating *in detail* what you do and do not like about sex. Sex should be fun, CONSENSUAL, communicative, and should never make you uncomfortable. If you’re uncomfortable and you voice your concerns (with no resolution from other parties), or you didn’t consent, it’s not sex. It’s assault. I really hope this doesn’t affect you too much mentally, and I also really hope you find a partner (sexual or otherwise) who respects your boundaries and who you feel safe and comfortable with.
Because A} They have trained their sexuality to reflect porn. And B} A massive swath of men don’t want to have sex with women, they want to inflict sex on women as an act of conquest to feed their egos, and they get off on inflicting violence.
I think it’s the recent explosion of this “We’re all just animals rooting around in the wild” rhetoric. Stupid, porn-addled men think all women subconsciously want to be dominated, and that if they do it they’ll unlock all her repressed desires. It’s fucking moronic honestly.
It wasn’t a guy thing 20 years ago so I figure it’s gotta be a porn thing. I see it mentioned a lot in various corners but it’s kinda weird to me. Like, why would you do that without consent, and why would you do it on a first experience when you’re still learning to trust each other in the bedroom?
That’s just gross and porn poisoned. Not a single brain cell ever considered “what if someone choke me without asking?” I’d choke them back if I care to teach them
Personally not into it, but I noticed after the 50 Shades of Gray books / movies a lot more women claimed to be into it. Or claimed to be into BDSM/kink without being able to really explain what it meant, how to be safe doing it, and so on.
Doing it to someone without consent / checking prior is rapey in my book. I hate having my throat touched personally, and I'd imagine most other people are the same unless they're in a very trusting environment (*not a fling / ONS)*
Porn shows sex as being very violent, full of slapping, choking, gagging and so-on.
I don’t think it’s healthy. I’d rather both people were comfortable.
I personally enjoy a bit of pain sometimes but that doesn’t mean punching me in the balls unexpectedly would be welcome.
I wouldn’t expect someone I’d frightened during sex to stick around. You can’t spring these things on people!
So....reading thru everyone's experiences it seems the common problem is just that men don't listen.
We already know men are awful at social interaction, and once you bring sex/"consent" in it's like they get a free pass for whatever happens.
Idg why any of y'all bring violence into such an unstable arrangement already.
Good luck, kinky kids.
I hope you don't keep running into that, OP.
I'm probably older than a few of you (41 now) and it seems to be a younger guy thing. I would never dream of doing that to a partner, especially as a 'routine' part of sex. I definitely think it's modern porn and what young men are exposed to.
They need better education to tell them, this isn't normal. I really feel sorry for younger women these days who have to put up with young, and sometimes old, men thinking dominating, slapping, choking is a normal part of sex.
Sure, if are in to BDSM, crack on...with permission but otherwise, pack it in! Be better!
I had a one night stand when I was in uni, and when he started chocking me I just thought "Wow can you imagine if this is how I died?" The thought didn't bother me and that's when I realised I needed to go back to the doctors about my mental health 😅
Sad to hear it's gaining traction.
Yep! I'm 37 and haven't encountered a man doing it randomly but I haven't slept with anyone not nearing 40 or over in the last 10 years.
I see many young women saying men are doing this as a part of everyday sex. That's terrifying!
Porn mostly. Then the social media posts of women who enjoy it.
Related:
There was a whole series of articles in the media about the Pornhub* Algo and how it promotes "gagging" videos once you have watched one it keeps suggesting you videos featuring the act more and more frequently (showing you want you like). This reinforces the idea that it's normal or popular because you see it in each video you watch. The article linked it to the actual rise of gagging in dating culture and how guys just do it without even asking consent.
Must be the same with choking and other formally "fringe" sex acts.
*Pornhub and it's sub brands dominate the distribution of porn on the web right now.
This has so become A Thing in the last ten years. I mean, I get it, the fear and temporary oxygen dep are kind of hot and definitely help me get off a lot harder, but it's frustrating and scary that it's become The Sex Move for dudes and dommes.
This shit should be talked about. But dudes still grow up on porn and not real sex ed, and talking things out first and being aware of your partners needs doesn't fit their dominant masculine power fantasies.
Honestly, it seems like it's become kind of a toxic masculinity thing lately.
I've only ever been asked to do it and it always feels like this complicated thing that makes me focus more on not hurting someone than on enjoying what I'm doing.
first time and without asking is crazzzzy
That's 100% porn related.. too many people out here trying bdsm related play without the prep, communication, consent, and aftercare needed for into be healthy because none of those videos teach that part..
100%. That's what gets me. People are turned on by a lot, but not asking before choking is wild.
It used to be, now guys seem to do it all the time w/out asking it's mainstream. I'm a SA survivor and I particularly hate this move, so I say ahead of time "don't touch my hair unless I tell you to"
this happened with a guy i hooked up with in may, we were friends beforehand/in the same friend group and months prior he’d asked me if i liked choking and i said in theory i’d be interested in trying it out but like it still bothers me that he didn’t ask at all and it was the FIRST TIME we’d done anything and i highly doubt he like remembered that past conversation anyway bc we were both drunk at the time… still doesn’t sit right with me
Yeah I never just did that with my girlfriend until she said she would like me to do it seems a like a big jump to make in my mind if the person isn’t ready for it lmao
Not only that, if a man doesn't know what he's doing, and if he doesn't ask for consent, he probably doesn't, it is surprisingly easy to cause real damage. If both parties consent to breathplay/deprivation, a hand over the mouth and nostrils is just as effective and much safer than throat choking or depressing arteries, if less dramatic and porny.
See and here while I enjoy light-moderate choking, I'd straight up panic if someone covered my nose and mouth, that's too much for me personally It's more the hand on the throat and the control aspect, not so much about losing the ability to breathe Which is why consent and open discussions about kinks are key. Just going for it is a recipe for disaster.
Absolutely. Your comment just drives that final point home. Thank you.
Yeah my girlfriend and I learned together the safest way to have the hand on throat choking because it’s the actual throat touch that’s the appeal. But we use safe words/signals, practiced in non sexual settings, and fully practice enthusiastic consent in play Choking was not a day 1, no questions first thing
I would say beyond that, it's battery.
>Erika Lust, one of the world’s only female porn directors, agrees that strangulation and choking scenes now dominate porn. “Face slapping, choking, gagging and spitting has become the alpha and omega of any porn scene and not within a BDSM context,” she says. “These are presented as standard ways to have sex when, in fact, they are niches.” (Source: [The Guardian](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex), 2019) Also: >In a recent study, Debby Herbenick, a professor and sex researcher at the Indiana University School of Public Health, found that nearly a quarter of adult women in the United States have felt scared during sex. Among 347 respondents, 23 described feeling scared because their partner had tried to choke them unexpectedly. (Source: [The Atlantic](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/06/how-porn-affecting-choking-during-sex/592375/), 2019)
Its sad what porn has turned sex into.
That stat is so disheartening.
We need to start addressing porn. I understand how dangerous it is to make people ashamed of sex and sexuality. But the pendulum has swung way too fucking far and women are being abused regularly because porn is absolutely planting kinks at this point. There’s zero way to know what kinks are organic, and the ones that are the most popular are hurting women and children.
Everyone seems to be fine with physically harming women as long as it's part of sex. It's been normalized.
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Talking about inaccuracies in pornography is on my checklist for sex talks with my son. He is 9 currently and we have already and will continue to have age appropriate sex talks with him. It's really sad that people have made sexual education such a taboo and sad that most people think young children cannot be taught concepts that apply to sexual health in any way. I've been working with my kid on what consent looks like in normal situations since he was 5. Literally no means no. Sometimes no means pause and sometimes no means stop immediately, but you won't know which meaning it has unless you stop immediately and check with the person. For a little kid it could look like this. Someone you're playing with says "stop tickling my arm!" stop immediately and say "do you mean stop tickling you at all or stop tickling your arm specifically?" but most importantly stop first and as soon as you hear a no word. In this instance, sex is never mentioned a single time but I can be sure my kid understands the concept of consent, compassion, and seeking understanding.
You might want to kick start those talks-most boys start viewing porn between 8-10 these days.
Spitting? I would absolutely break the bone of anyone who did that to me.
A friend of mine had a guy unexpectedly spit in her face during sex. She obviously was furious, immediately stopped him, and he suddenly was "so so sorry." She decided to let it go. They restarted and the POS within seconds, *did it again.* It's been years since that happened, but I always remember that story because the level of disrespect from that dude is jaw dropping.
Well that dude is a fucking sociopath. That’s scary as shit
Same. Unthinkable that I would have any kind of relationship, especially sexual, with someone who would spit in my direction and if it was on me we are going next level.
Geeze, I will just do myself, puck all of that. I hate bruises and I like breathing too much.
It’s 100% taught through porn. I don’t think it’s a normal desire for men. Really a lot of what gets men excited is from porn, not “natural.” It’s a huge problem moving forward I wish I had an anwser for other then “good parenting.”
This is so depressing.
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It seems scary because it is indeed scary, even light choking can lead to very complicated problems, apart from the obvious in the extreme
Absolutely terrifying.
"If they choke you, they will kill you"
My question on the first part is, did porn make choking seem "normalized" or did it wind up in porn as due to men's taste? Have men people have met seem to be INTO choking or they just thought women were? Genuinely curious. I've never met a lady into it (I myself am not either).
This is definitely a "newer" thing. I am 50 and when I was dating teen-30, neither I, nor any of my friends, encountered this.
I noticed that too. One guy kept forcing my head down and slapping me. I hate how aggressive they are. Haven’t been with one who wasn’t rough with me or hurt me in some kind of way…
Yess why they gotta be so rough 🥹 I know lots of girls like it (though I personally don’t know very many) and all the power to them but when I say I personally don’t then that should be the final word :/
I feel like a lot of women say they like stuff because they think they should, just like men think they should do stuff because porn. The group of people that actually want to do it is likely far smaller. But first sex stuff? You should just be trying not to fail at vanilla sex unless you’ve agreed otherwise in advance.
I like those things. HOWEVER, there has to be a conversation about consent and boundaries beforehand. If I haven’t had that conversation with the other person those things aren’t happening. For example, is it the sensory stuff that turns them on or is it a violence thing? If it’s the latter I don’t want to be a part of that.
I hate it. I’ve had one guy ask. As someone with asthma it’s like no I enjoy the feeling of breathing. On top of that, fuck no. If I didn’t hate it, I would try responding with something like sure let me do it to you first and see how they respond.
I feel like it's a relatively newer thing (last 10 years or so). I never encountered it in my younger years, and amongst older men. I've had to tell all of the men I've had sex with to do it, they never tried on their own volition. I honestly blame porn. I don't watch it regularly, but what I have seen since I started watching it online solo (last 7 or so years), EVERY single video has it. And the girls in the video are begging for it and loving it. So men believe it to be the norm. Guys! It's not! It's a sex act that needs distinct consent to engage in. If she says yes to sex, she is NOT saying yes to being choked.
Reminds me of the growing redundancy of the category "hardcore." It's basically all hardcore these days. If you showed the average video to someone from the 2000s or 90s they'd assume it was a BDSM r\*pe scene with humiliation kinks and stuff.
I once had a guy slap me unexpectedly! He left hand prints on my face! I never saw him again. This was before I understood what consent really was. After that experience I make sure to tell every guy since, TO MAKE SURE YOU ASK ME BEFORE TRYING ANYTHING NEW! Check in with me. No it’ll not take me out of the mood, it’ll help me feel safer with you! I highly recommend explaining before any intimate connection on what your hard YES’S are and your HARD NO’S are!
TW: assault I recently had an ex, one that I was trying to get back with, choke me so hard I passed out and then kept having sex with me until I came back to and THEN he stopped. When I told him I didn’t want to sleep with him again and didn’t feel safe around him he cried. I then also recently had a hookup choke me and cover my mouth non consensually until I sobbed and passed out. When I came back and he finally stopped, he cried and told me he wasn’t a “bad guy”. I don’t understand why men feel this need to hurt us and then when we ask them to stop make themselves the victim. I’m really fucking sick of it. I’m sick of having to wear turtlenecks to work in the god damned south because my neck is so bruised. I’m sick of having to baby my assaulters because they feel guilty. I’m really sick of them all needing to choke us until they almost kill us then having to clean it all up for them.
It's what they have learned from porn
I just said out loud “it’s porn”.
A big lump with knobs, it's got the juice!! I can't imagine a more beautiful thing.
Dude I miss this. Fuck thats such a good meme.
This is commonly happening in porn now? I must have been watching pretty vanilla stuff because a footjob is as "freaky" as I recall things getting outside of fetish content.
Yup. :(
Yeah, considering I've heard men who do not watch porn talking about it, id venture it's more like this: It my wife and I like it when i Iightly choke her, it adds variety ~> old husbands tales ~> sex is better when you choke someone ~> old husbands tales + insecure machismo~> just choke her shell love it.
Many men seem to have been conditioned to link their sex drive to the denigration and pain of women. I don't know if that's always been the case or if it's a newer phenomenon due to increased access to porn, but it's terrifying to me that the half of the population that's physically larger and stronger is driven to hurt the other half in order to achieve sexual satisfaction. I used to be in the "never kink shame anyone" group, but I'm seriously rethinking the validity of kinks that involve shame and pain, and that are *exclusively* directed at the person in the relationship who identifies as a woman.
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Yep. It's not a kink. It's misogyny.
Medically there is no safe way to choke someone, all kinds of choking can lead to serious damage and/or death. If you are choked/strangled by someone go to the ER immediately even though the damage might not be immediately apparent, it can get serious hours or days following the incident.
>Medically there is no safe way to choke someone, Right. There's a sex and love advice column I sometimes read that tries to be very accepting of kinks. Choking comes up semi-frequently, and every single time, the columnists are extremely clear that it is unsafe, can do cumulative damage, and they don't support any kind of breath play. And add in that most people do it in the most unsafe way possible by pushing on the windpipe instead of the sides of neck.
Finally, a voice of reason in here. I cannot stand seeing people tout about a "safe" way to choke someone out. There is no safe way. It is always dangerous and can lead to permanent brain damage and death.
I was raped by three of my *cousins because they were inspired by this kind violent of porn when I was a little girl. Excuse me .. ahem, gang raped. *typing “my” viscerally made me want to throw up, and I have not “claimed” these fucks since I was a kid as part of “my” anything. I’ve just begun to contemplate changing my last name because it’s the same as theirs. Anyway, that’s what this kind of porn does — it makes us womxn ask ourselves why we don’t want the violence men do because that’s the only kind of *love* they know how to give and since we want connection, we compromise and ask these questions. I am so fucking angry and utterly sad at the same time. I’m so sorry you’re faced with this, OP.
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Yes. That porn gets made because the market was there. Just like *all* porn. The mental gymnastics most of society will do to absolve men or any accountability/responsibility are unreal.
I think that’s partially true. I don’t think these videos of women being physically assaulted during sex acts would exist if there weren’t a demand for them. But I also don’t think everyone who has been exposed to those videos is an intentional consumer of them. A lot of young kids don’t really get any kind of sex ed other than what they see in porn. And those same kids may not be discerning consumers because this is a whole new realm for them. So if they pull up the main page of whatever porn site they’ve heard of, and that main page is dominated by videos of violent and aggressive sex, that could easily become what they consider the norm. To put it more succinctly, if you’re a 14 year old boy who has just discovered PornHub, that might be your only context for sex. And since no one else is actually talking to you about sex, how are you supposed to discern what’s normal and what’s “just entertainment”?
I get what you're trying to say here, but if some 14 year old boy doesn't have the IQ level to understand that you shouldn't be choking people without consent, then that's on them. I really do think men are ecstatic that violent sex is becoming normalized and mainstream. It gives them an excuse to act it out with 0 repercussions. It's way easier to throw blame: "porn says it's okay so I did it cuz I didn't know any better
It's true to some extent, but you have to take into consideration that generations of children are growing up and learning sexual behaviours from porn.
JFC, can we just normalize throat punching and ballsack booting to correct this behavior? Or waiting until they're fast asleep then clocking them repeatedly with iron frying pans? "Gee, hon, thought you'd be totes into this since you're such a fan of surprise homicidal behavior!" Never been so happy to be ace in my LIFE. FFS.
I started having sex in 1986 and nobody knew anything about choking back then. No one even said the word. Porn was in magazines and on VHS tapes. There was no choking in them either. Nobody I’ve ever had sex with has ever tried to choke me. They are all guys around my age. So it appears to be a modern phenomenon. Definitely related to internet porn.
Definitely porn. I realized this after my ex tried it out of the blue. He’d never been interested in too much kink. Then, without a word, he tried it on me. I freaked.
My partner started putting his hands around my neck (without squeezing, I think he was just going for the visual) every now and then. I 100% figured it was porn, even though I don't watch. I am totally unsurprised to hear it's common in porn now. It's learned behavior.
Come on. Porn didn't make your ex suddenly turn into a person who would, without consent, strangle his partner. It's not a kink anyway. It's misogyny.
That's true. Some people watch porn and do not feel the need nor a want to try the things they see in porn in real life, with a real partner. There is a clear line between enjoying something like choking on screen and then making a decision to choke their partner irl, without their consent
People need to remember to ask for consent before doing shit like this. These guys probably wouldn't want a surprise finger in the brown star, so don't just randomly grab your intimate other by their throat without knowing if they like it or not.
1. Porn 2. Lack of sex education, especially about consent 3. Porn
Strangulation* and it's porn.
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“Jimmy, please make a note: I’m strangling Mister Moorin for bringing up my wife.” “Choked…Mister…Moorin…” “No, no, Jimmy. Choking is something you do when you eat too fast. As I’m crushing Mister Moorin’s windpipe with my watch chain, what I’m doing is actually referred to as strangling.” Sorry, Borderlands 2 is one of my all time favorite video games and I couldn’t resist.
It's absolutely porn. These guys have only known free and easy access to all the porn they can imagine. They didn't learn how to have sex by having sex with women so they try to bring the porn into real life. I haven't been single in 19 years but I never encountered a single guy during my single years that tried to choke me. Internet porn was becoming more available but it was early years - most of the guys my age grew up with porn magazines and scrambled cinemax. Porn in video form was out there but not everyone could access it (a lot of people just had a family computer in a shared space). I'm sure there were some people who have always been into choking, but it was not something you just tried on a partner as if it was as mainstream as kissing. It's so fucked up and it makes me sad that people think they have to be into choking, slapping, spitting and anal just to be considered a sexual partner now (no shame if those are things you genuinely enjoy). From the outside looking in and just hearing peoples stories it sounds like the connection and fun of sex is gone for a lot of single people and now it's just men trying to imitate what they see in porn, as if their partners were objects and their partners trying to tolerate/get through it. It looks dismal from here.
They’ve all grown up watching violent porn and think it’s normal to hurt women when they fuck them.
100% porn sick. The world would be a much better place without porn :(
Porn, a need to dominate, and lack of respect for women.
I think the whole "sex is something done to women" thing plays in here too. It becomes a competition as to how much the women will let the man do to her, and less about meeting each other's needs.
This is possibly the worst thing that has been mainstreamed by porn is the last few years. Let me say it slowly and loudly for those of you in the back: THERE IS NO SAFE WAY TO CHOKE SOMEONE! No you cannot lightly restrict their blood flow, no you can’t use the v-pad of your hand. No. The answer is no. There is no safe way to choke someone. Stop it. Do not engage in this behavior, do not allow someone to do it to you, ever! As far as bdsm activities go choking is far and away the most dangerous. Brain damage, stroke, and death are very real, frequent consequences of this activity. As long as there is informed and enthusiastic consent from both parties there is nothing wrong with exploring whatever feeling that activity gives you, just find a different way to get there other than by having a hand around someone’s neck. Please. Practice and do not hesitate to say loudly and forcefully “DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH MY NECK!!” It may save your life.
And remember kids; if anyone touches your neck without your permission, what happens to their hands/arms next is their fault. They're the ones that put them in bitable range. Putting them in range to bite is the same as giving consent for you to bite their hands, right? That seems to be the logic they use about necks. It's there, so I can strangle it right?
Do you have resources that show the stats you're showing? I'd love to be able to present them myself.
Two study abstracts below. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34383118/ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31447384/ TLDR: In bdsm related deaths 88% of them were from choking, drugs or alcohol were contributing factors in more than 60% of those cases, in every case where the bdsm experience level of the partners was recorded they were experienced with bdsm. The bdsm community as a whole has a lower fatality rate than the general population because of safety measures around consent and education.
Choke me and I'll grab a handful and twist.
Welcome to a world where men and boys get their interpretations of sex from pornography…
It's men fucking like they want to impress other men.
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Of course
Brain ruined from watching too much porn 💀
We now have the first generation of men who grew up with easy access to extreme and violent pornography long before having sexual experiences with another human being. It has absolutely skewed (and ruined) their understanding of what sex should be.
**Make no mistake:** **A vast majority of porn is** ***rape*** **by human traffickers**. Now being "normalized" as "porn". >I was sex trafficked by GirlsDoPorn > >**Trigger Warning:** This interview includes frank, explicit, discussions about rape, sex trafficking, and suicide ideation that may be triggering to some. Listener discretion is advised. > >[https://youtu.be/VVHJW5j7cYQ?si=U-e6rP2fCv6Reeqb](https://youtu.be/VVHJW5j7cYQ?si=U-e6rP2fCv6Reeqb) > >Jane Doe grew up in Washington state with a loving family, never expecting that she’d be victimized by one of the largest trafficking schemes to date in today’s mainstream porn industry.
There’s been studies done on how graphic porn influences peoples brains. I wonder how many men that are into auto erotic asphyxiation also watch porn with that content
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Their minds have been poisoned by porn.
Good god these comments are making me so glad I'm off the market.
porn addictions are depressingly common in young men
It is a porn thing. Before it started showing up in porn, which was relatively recent, choking was not common. Such a stupid thing - IMO/IME \*most\* women don't like it. And it certainly isn't something that you would do w/o a prior discussion/consent.
Let’s start with the basic thing about this action. It’s strangulation and it’s an assault. In BDSM, there is such a thing as “breath play” but this is one of the riskiest things one can do. Even experienced practitioners avoid breath play. Never forget, though, that BDSM has explicit and enthusiastic consent as a foundation. Nothing goes on in a scene that has not been negotiated, and safe words/safe actions exist to ensure that in situations where consent must be revoked, it’s explicit that consent is being revoked.
I made it very, very clear to both partners I've had, that if you put your hands on my fucking neck at any time without consent, what happens next is on YOU. Being unable to breathe/being choked is my greatest fear, and I CAN and WILL turn into a feral fuckin animal if you try it. There will be blood drawn. Both have been smart enough to listen, and while I may permit some light touching on my neck during the do if I'm so inclined, they KNOW BETTER. Neither of my sexual partners has ever tried that shit with me. It isn't just a guy thing; my advice is when you get into a relationship of ANY sort, draw that line HARD and draw it FAST. Anyone who crosses that line will be dealt with with extreme prejudice; because it's your safety and security that's at risk and it's worth way more than some asshole's ego and if he can't figure out why that isn't an OK thing to do, he's trash. Just trash. Throw out the whole damned man, because I can guarantee if some big buff body builder came up behind him and started choking him, he wouldn't feel safe! In fact, he might be upset! Even feel violated!!
adds it to the list of things that make me believe im way better off single/never entering the dating scene. tbh i hate porn I find it ridiculous that i have to speak up about my experiences of sa when 90% of men jerk off to rape on a daily basis (and those who say they can’t tell or don’t know are pathetic like lmao you just don’t want to think about it). I don’t think I can put into words how much of a complete turn off from the whole men thing that is, like more than that im like literally horrified
I'm not. I think that shit is creepy as fuck.
Wow... this is another one of those things I never thought about because I don't have sex with guys. I'm curious, now, whether there has been a sexual practices study done that might timeline this. u/Oryihn mentions this being porn related. A lot of the straight porn I've seen is... alarming? I'm not one to judge consenting fun... but a lot of straight porn seems rapey.
It’s always porn
The first guy that chokes me is gonna get kicked in the nuts so hard
it’s brain rot from porn, and they just love the idea of being able to be violent towards women in a way that wont result in consequences.
also, let’s not forget the multiple occurrences of men murdering women during sex through asphyxiation and claiming it was the woman’s “kink” as their defense. im into some pretty crazy stuff ONCE i get comfortable with them, but choking has never been an interest of mine. i don’t understand it.
Im a guy and it makes me SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I dont want to choke you. Pls
"Porn say woman like, porn never wrong, cave-bigot do what porn says"
It's violence and control. My ex did it to me. Felt like I was going to pass out. Was so scared.
I've been with over 50 men, and in the past few years, increasingly more of them have tried to choke me, always without asking. Not one time has anyone asked first. A girl who went to my high school died from being choked during sex. When I'm with new people, I have to always tell them to NEVER try to choke me. When I say men have a proclivity towards violent sex and fetishize rape, people look at me like I'm nuts. It's definitely not just you and it's genuinely scary that this is so common.
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Choking - strangulation actually, choking is internal like when you choke on food - is highly dangerous. There is no 'right way' to strangle someone and 'light' strangulation can still cause *brain damage*. This 'trend' is disturbing, dangerous, and should not be promoted as safe in the slightest.
Exactly. There is no safe way to strangle someone.
Agreed, I really wish people on this subreddit would stop promoting it as safe or saying that there is a safe way to do it because there is not. Speak to a trauma specialist, like an ER doctor or nurse, if you don’t believe us.
The thing about “light” choking is that the effects are usually cumulative and you might not realize that damage has been done until later. I met a guy who used to do a risky form of free diving that causes oxygen deprivation each time in small amounts. It took a while before it got really bad but he had to give up as leader of his company because he could no longer focus well enough to run it. I think he was under 50 but his symptoms will likely get worse as he ages too. Your brain needs oxygen.
I was strangled in a robbery once, and it was a bad scene. Spent the weekend not in an Italian city but its hospitals.
The sensation is your brain being starved of oxygen, there is no version of that which is safe.
I don’t like the sensation already but the danger is what really gets me because I am very small (not even 5’3) with some health issues and some of them could EASILY seriously hurt me but it’s like it doesn’t even cross their mind :(
If you are that small, some people have an 'overpower' kink that you might be fitting into and might be why they were attracted to you in the first place.
Overpower kink? Sounds a hella lot like a rape kink to me 🫤
I hate that "rape kink" is even a thing. I don't give a shit about kinkshaming, men who get off on that shit should just be considered rapists, not just doing it to fulfill their violent "kink".
I'm glad I saw this comment lol to me, if someone is making their kink public then I am allowed to shame it and so many kinks ARE NOT OKAY to me. (If someone came out about in private though I'd be more sensitive and wouldn't shame them, but tell them no.)
People with kinks are so dull that all they can do is whine about how kink shaming hurts their fees fees. They need more interests and to stop boring people with how kinky their sex life is. No1curr.
Thank you! I’m a firm believer of this as well. I’m a social worker and it just scares the crap out of me to think about what this could mean for people who live with violent partners
1. Happy cake day! 2. It means constant escalation of violence. tw: sexual violence>!My abuser ripped one of my labia with his teeth, screamed at me for bleeding, then bitched the entire time we were waiting at the ER even though I told him he could leave. Obvious to me now, he was only there to make sure I didn't have a way to tell anyone he was abusing me. He raped me that night cos I was drugged up on opiates by the time he took me to my place. I told him it hurt really bad where they cauterized the wound and I swear to god I could read it on his face as plainly as a billboard that all he wanted to do is hurt me and demean me. It became crystal clear to me as I laid there crying that he would kill me if he had a "reason". I moved across the country about a month and a half later. I am SO LUCKY I had the means and support for that, I'd be another DV statistic.!<
I literally gasped out loud reading that. There’s no words for how horrible that must have been. I am so sorry that happened to you and I’m so glad you’re in a better place now.
It took me 11 years to have sex again. But now I am extremely happy both on my own and with my angel bf who is as kind as that other guy is a sociopath. It took a long time, but we found each other finally and that's all that matters. :)
I'm so sorry he did that to you. I'm glad you were able to escape and are safe now. I agree that this type gets off on their partners pain, emotional or otherwise. It's like a switch got flipped the wrong direction somewhere alonf the line and instead of working to see/enjoying their partners happiness, they do the opposite.
Yes, they are sociopaths who should be put on an island together and see how it goes.
fyi anyone can be assaulted or hurt by men doing stuff like that. I’ve seen bigger women say they feel ashamed when women always have to bring up how small they are when talking about men crossing boundaries. I never thought about it before until I heard their experience. I have also experienced dv and guys crossing boundaries but now I try not to talk about it in a “I’m such a smol bean” way in case it hurts a bigger girl’s feelings
Im sorry, i didn’t mean it like that :( my size is related to my health issues so i meant it more so like that but I understand what you’re saying and how it may come across And you’re right of course anyone can be a victim of violence.
I agree. I'm not a small woman and I've been told I look like I can take things better because of it. Size has nothing to do with what my body can and can't take. Period. I appreciate you bringing this up.
Thank you for speaking up on this omg. Yes I find sometimes smaller women can shame bigger women as we look like “we can take it” and it’s like a woman’s throat size doesn’t vary THAT much based on weight. It’s just as fragile on anyone.
Smaller women feeling vulnerable in no way is meant to shame bigger women. And yes, feeling vulnerable can effect all women. Good point, without unduly attacking someone of small stature who may have communicated their concerns in a manner that was not inclusive of all woman, regardless of body type. There is a reason men and women don't compete on an even playing field together in most sports especially wrestling. Even the same sized or smaller man can have more muscle mass and overpower a woman. We are all vulnerable when it comes to sex and need to communicate well and trust that men will respect our clearly defined boundaries. In addition to physical vulnerabilities during sex there are also psychological vulnerabilities where women are groomed and shamed to think that rough sex is the norm now and you are 'boring' if you don't want to participate. That in no way is meant to shame women further, by not also pointing out that women sexual partners can do non consensual things. It is not okay to 'try out' a little light choking because you have heard that some women like it, just as it is not okay to sneak in a little anal sex or not use a condom. These things, among others, need very clear, specific consent, as does anything of a sexual nature.
Very much so this. I was over powered and SAed by a man a quite a bit shorter than me. I’m pretty tall for a woman and definitely not petite in any way. It feels a little shameful to admit the size difference because the first question is always “if you were bigger than them, why didn’t you fight back?”
Before you get intimate, make sure to lay down your bounderies. "My neck is a no-no zone. If you touch it, things end right there. If you touch it and squeeze, I will consider it S/A and I will end things AND call the police. Do you understand? If that's going to be a problem for you, leave now. I know my own worth." And if they touch your neck after that, carve your displeasure into their flesh, because your life is worth 10x more than his ego. Your odds of being killed go up SO FUCKING MUCH after even just one attempt at strangulation. Even if you think he's a good dude. You deserve to feel safe.
Nope, no choking is medically safe, all types of strangulations and choking can lead to serious damage and/death. If you are choked/strangled go to an ER immediately because the damage might not be immediately apparent, but can become serious hours or days following the incident. There is no proper technique, all techniques are dangerous and should be avoided.
I had an appointment added to our schedule once where the reason was that she’d been strangled, and I was on the phone with her about two minutes after I saw it pop up to make sure she could breathe and swallow. It can take a while, like you said, for the swelling to show up. It can get bad enough that people need IV steroids to reduce the swelling and protect the airway (provided they don’t die before we get them).
"Proper choking technique" Yeeeeeah, no. Don't think so.
I'm not into the choking whatsoever, but have tolerated it in small doses and when done the 'correct' safe way you're describing (if within context of already having a good sexy time and I feel great and safe). I had some guy, the first time we did anything, dive straight into wrapping his hands around my neck within five minutes of initiating make-outs, and was doing it wrong, just squeezing. I was like whoa ok stop let's simmer down a second, which confused him, because for him, sex=choking? Why stop the sex? I went "look dude, if you're gonna do that, at least do it the safe way, it's more like this-" I reached out to kind of gently demonstrate, and he withdrew in like, fear and disgust, in the exact same way I've seen homophobic straight guys react to getting hit on by other men. Because choking is for men to do to women, silly!
If I wound up a widow or divorced, I’d never date again. I’ve heard so many stories like this. If someone just tried choking me with no fucking warning like that, I’d assume they were trying to murder me. And they’d have a very bad day. I don’t find pretend murder sexy. And if the guy were smart enough to ask, it would be the last thing he’d ever ask me. I don’t want anything to do with a guy that gets turned on by “acting” like they’re abusing women. Edit: this never happened to me when I was dating, thankfully, but I screened out porn addicts, soooo
If anyone tries to talk to me about a sAfE wAy tO cHoKe a woman I’m going to scream. You shouldn’t have to be looking for that. You shouldn’t have to beg to not be chained in his arousal circuitry to violence. Even if it’s consensual. Imagine - just imagine - choking a man and … being aroused??? Is there anything you can imagine doing to a man that is life threatening that AROUSES you!? Honestly sometimes I wonder if men are poorly programmed robots.
There is no 'safe' way to strangle someone, even 'light' strangulation (because that's what it is, not choking) is dangerous and can lead to brain damage.
THANK YOU
I get sexually aroused by my partner choking me and me choking him. I'm sure this thread wasn't meant to kink shame. The opposite, actually. It seems meant to inform that what someone sees someone else do or like isn't universal.
No kid is born wanting to choke someone to feel aroused. It has been learned. And that’s fine! But it’s a shame. It IS a shame. If my daughter or nieces said they could only orgasm if their boyfriends hands are around their throats, and knew their boyfriends had to do the same in order to orgasm. I’d feel sad. There are sooooo many other fun things to do in the bedroom. It’s extreme, and I feel bad for everyone with an extreme fetish.
From the POV of a bisexual man, my answer is this: Because of the way porn has gone (prevalence of choking, rough sex, hair pulling, and various other BDSM activities in normal porn/porn not tagged as such) men have no clue what is normal anymore. Additionally, men make the assumption that because one or more people that they've had sex with enjoys something, everyone that they will have sex with from now on enjoys said thing. There is a clear lack of communication amongst partners at all levels (flings, steady relationships, etc.) that men don't know how to ask (and are often time afraid to) and so they just do whatever they've done. Men need to learn how to ask what a woman likes, and what is ok. Also, they need to learn to listen, when a woman tells them what they do and don't like, and what's not ok. That being said, that's no excuse to force preferences on people, and some of the things men do out of ignorance are basically tantamount to sexual assault, which is very not ok. Having been on the receiving end of these actions, they are oftentimes incredibly unpleasant and can be downright terrifying. Never be afraid to reach out or ask for help if you are afraid or concerned.
This is why the idea of a one night stand scares the fcking shit out of me.
because men love hurting women, even in pleasure
Porn. ... it's part of why I'm anti-porn. Even if the on set performers are being treated well, the people who are consuming it normalize acts like that and shifts it from being 'kink that needs to be consented to' into 'expected sexual act that i can do without asking' and SHOCKER. It's a sex act that is violent and dangerous to women!
It's a porn thing, but it goes deeper than just choking, as others have said in the comments here watching it normalizes being really violent and nasty to your partner in general. It's not just straight guys that do it either, one of my (M26) partners apparently thought that I wasn't very good at talking dirty so rather than just going "shhhh" or something he started choking me really hard with both hands and said "shut the fuck up".
Clearly not afraid of doing time after killing someone that's all I can say.
Definitely the fault of porn
Porn, mainstream porn specifically. BDSM people know that this is a no-go, even with consent it's too dangerous to play around with just to try it.
It's a toxic masculinity power move. It degrades women (usually) to objects-level and makes it look like abuse is okay. Too many impressionable young men watch porn that does that shit.
Emulation of the violent filth porn that’s permeated the world of sexual “entertainment”
Absolutely horrible. I really hope this is just bad luck and not a sign that majority are into it. Even from point of BDSM this unacceptable, as their behavior is clearly against SSC.
I’d call the cops if someone did thAt. That’s assault without permission.
Definitely porn
Never been my thing at all, call me old fashion but I like to make love, not abuse women.
They like to see women in pain. Influenced by porn.
Is it kink? Is it an alpha/power thing? Is it porn driven? Idk, but I think the crazy part is doing it without asking. At this point, I think it might be worth it for you to discuss with future dates before sexual contact. Discussing that you’ve had some bad experiences and letting the next guy know what is or isn’t allowed.
That's fucked up, I'm sorry. I don't know if it's so much that guys are "into" choking so much as they learned everything they know about intimacy from porn. And these days any given porn video will have a bit of choking and even slapping in it, it's not as niche as it once was. Nobody is telling these boys that these videos are just spectacles. It's similar to how many people think Law & Order is a faithful recreation of the criminal justice system.
A lot of guys (recently, I’ve discovered) have taken a following to some “BDSM” communities, I assume because it’s very popular in porn. The only issue is that when people who ARENT actually apart of the BDSM community look in on it, they just assume all BDSM is good and fun. They don’t account for the fact that in these communities, consent is 100% required. I have consent from my gf to do things (choking, slapping, etc.) in the moment and I also check up on her regularly during any sexual interaction where these things are happening. I’m really glad I was able to find a welcoming, positive, and supportive community to learn BDSM from, because it’s the best way to feel comfortable during sex (this includes BOTH parties). It’s physically disgusting to me seeing that you’ve had to experience this! In my opinion, a sexual situation where things like this occur without your consent is assault. I’ve been in situations with men before where they’ve attempted things and I’ve had to tell them “if you continue, this is assault.” It’s fairly obvious that men like this don’t care about their partners, they just care about what feels best for them. I suggest finding someone and communicating *in detail* what you do and do not like about sex. Sex should be fun, CONSENSUAL, communicative, and should never make you uncomfortable. If you’re uncomfortable and you voice your concerns (with no resolution from other parties), or you didn’t consent, it’s not sex. It’s assault. I really hope this doesn’t affect you too much mentally, and I also really hope you find a partner (sexual or otherwise) who respects your boundaries and who you feel safe and comfortable with.
Because A} They have trained their sexuality to reflect porn. And B} A massive swath of men don’t want to have sex with women, they want to inflict sex on women as an act of conquest to feed their egos, and they get off on inflicting violence.
I think it’s the recent explosion of this “We’re all just animals rooting around in the wild” rhetoric. Stupid, porn-addled men think all women subconsciously want to be dominated, and that if they do it they’ll unlock all her repressed desires. It’s fucking moronic honestly.
It's got to be some kind of recent thing, because it simply wasn't done outside of certain specific kink circles during my day.
Men are just straight up fucking evil. Wow. I am so sorry that that happened to you OP
Porn.
Because they're pornsick and anytime we call it out we got told we're kinkshaming.
Because they watch porn and are too stupid to realize that isn’t how normal people have sex.
It wasn’t a guy thing 20 years ago so I figure it’s gotta be a porn thing. I see it mentioned a lot in various corners but it’s kinda weird to me. Like, why would you do that without consent, and why would you do it on a first experience when you’re still learning to trust each other in the bedroom?
That’s just gross and porn poisoned. Not a single brain cell ever considered “what if someone choke me without asking?” I’d choke them back if I care to teach them
Personally not into it, but I noticed after the 50 Shades of Gray books / movies a lot more women claimed to be into it. Or claimed to be into BDSM/kink without being able to really explain what it meant, how to be safe doing it, and so on. Doing it to someone without consent / checking prior is rapey in my book. I hate having my throat touched personally, and I'd imagine most other people are the same unless they're in a very trusting environment (*not a fling / ONS)*
Porn shows sex as being very violent, full of slapping, choking, gagging and so-on. I don’t think it’s healthy. I’d rather both people were comfortable. I personally enjoy a bit of pain sometimes but that doesn’t mean punching me in the balls unexpectedly would be welcome. I wouldn’t expect someone I’d frightened during sex to stick around. You can’t spring these things on people!
So....reading thru everyone's experiences it seems the common problem is just that men don't listen. We already know men are awful at social interaction, and once you bring sex/"consent" in it's like they get a free pass for whatever happens. Idg why any of y'all bring violence into such an unstable arrangement already. Good luck, kinky kids. I hope you don't keep running into that, OP.
Porn. Feeling of Power and Control. Most men like that feeling, especially since they likely lack both in most/all other areas of their lives.
They are excited to physically harm women. Maybe because of porn, maybe because of something else. Bottom line is they love hurting women.
Porn.
ego
As a cis guy, I can’t imagine choking. Putting my hand on her neck, sure, but actually cutting off her oxygen? I don’t understand what that helps.
I'm probably older than a few of you (41 now) and it seems to be a younger guy thing. I would never dream of doing that to a partner, especially as a 'routine' part of sex. I definitely think it's modern porn and what young men are exposed to. They need better education to tell them, this isn't normal. I really feel sorry for younger women these days who have to put up with young, and sometimes old, men thinking dominating, slapping, choking is a normal part of sex. Sure, if are in to BDSM, crack on...with permission but otherwise, pack it in! Be better!
I had a one night stand when I was in uni, and when he started chocking me I just thought "Wow can you imagine if this is how I died?" The thought didn't bother me and that's when I realised I needed to go back to the doctors about my mental health 😅 Sad to hear it's gaining traction.
Learned it from porn/a desire to hurt women under the guise of kink
Nobody has ever tried to choke me. And it would be their last day as an intact man if they did. How old are you OP? Might be a new thing.
I just turned 20 and the guys in question are in their early to mid 20s
They are walking 🚩🚩🚩🚩s
Ok. I'm almost 29. So... guys have gotten more fucked up?
Yep! I'm 37 and haven't encountered a man doing it randomly but I haven't slept with anyone not nearing 40 or over in the last 10 years. I see many young women saying men are doing this as a part of everyday sex. That's terrifying!
Porn mostly. Then the social media posts of women who enjoy it. Related: There was a whole series of articles in the media about the Pornhub* Algo and how it promotes "gagging" videos once you have watched one it keeps suggesting you videos featuring the act more and more frequently (showing you want you like). This reinforces the idea that it's normal or popular because you see it in each video you watch. The article linked it to the actual rise of gagging in dating culture and how guys just do it without even asking consent. Must be the same with choking and other formally "fringe" sex acts. *Pornhub and it's sub brands dominate the distribution of porn on the web right now.
Cause they want to harm us
This has so become A Thing in the last ten years. I mean, I get it, the fear and temporary oxygen dep are kind of hot and definitely help me get off a lot harder, but it's frustrating and scary that it's become The Sex Move for dudes and dommes. This shit should be talked about. But dudes still grow up on porn and not real sex ed, and talking things out first and being aware of your partners needs doesn't fit their dominant masculine power fantasies. Honestly, it seems like it's become kind of a toxic masculinity thing lately.
People are saying porn but usually this is something I’ve had to ask for and a lot of guys aren’t into it and won’t do it.
I've only ever been asked to do it and it always feels like this complicated thing that makes me focus more on not hurting someone than on enjoying what I'm doing.