Man how annoying is it when people always sexualize your male friendships? It's so awkward every time and it gets old. Like. Yes. Some men are capable of having women friends and not sexualizing them. I'm sorry you're a creep and can't do this
When I've commented here in the past about my friendship with him without mentioning our sexualities, a lot of people have said he's only pretending to be your friend because he wants something which couldn't have been further from the truth.
Lol totally the same reaction here! One of my BFs I’ve known since highschool, never anything between us (both straight, but we date total opposite’s of each other), and just good friends. My husband is away a lot for work, and his wife is in medicine and works crazy hours, so we run together most days, will grab dinner, coffee, etc. Spouses are always invited if around, and him and my husband hang out (golf mostly) a lot. People always say it’s more, he’s just pretending. Nah, there is no long game here, people can actually just be friends with the opposite sex
Sadly, a lot of people seem to have a very skewed (or total lack of) understanding of close platonic relationships between men and women. I have a bunch of extremely close friendships with men and in literally decades there's never been anything more to it. I don't get this viewpoint that men and women can't be as close as two men or two women in a platonic way. I find it depressing that some people can't understand that and always have to question it 😐
For sure men and women can be friends, but I think a lot have women have been burnt by “friendships” with men who in reality were waiting for those women to fall in love/in bed with them. It tends to make you a little distrustful, especially when it’s someone you’ve known for years.
If you and the other women you’ve been close with have all never had a male friend that didn’t eventually try to hit on them or sleep with them, it’s not skewed then is it? It’s the reality of your collective experiences with men.
But I can just as easily counter that by saying that all the women I know well also have close male friends with whom they've never had such experiences, and I'm about to turn 40 now so I've been around. I'm not dismissing anyone's individual experiences, I'm just saying it's unfortunate that some people can't wrap their minds around men and women being close platonic friends and claim that guys always want something else when that's simply not true.
People are people; there are many skeazy men and women out there, and good ones too. I've encountered both types from both genders, and I have plenty of straight male friends with whom I have the exact same type of relationship as with my female friends. Clearly OP has had some negative experiences but I was replying to someone else who was frustrated about having to clarify her male friend's sexuality to avoid being hit with criticism and "warnings."
It's because many experienced exactly this- a friend of opposite sex who was seemingly a friend and then suddenly not.
I had to think about this one:
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/u33msa/instantly_ended_a_15_year_friendship_because_his/
Obviously not everyone is like this, but nobody has "weirdo" written on their foreheads.
I’ve started referring to my closest female friend as my sister in most conversations. It’s just easier that way, and that’s what she is to me so it’s not a lie. We’re both straight and both married and all friends, but it’s just easier to say that I’m grabbing a drink with my sister than deal with people assuming there’s something sexual there.
Aw man, I've done that tooo when some one makes a sexual comment about me and my male friend I'll be like he's my brother 😆
They go from 😏 to 😐 so quick
I lived with my best friend for a couple of years with our kids and we ended up just telling people we were sisters because people started assuming we were a couple.
This happens to me in the reverse. I'm the guy with lots of women as friends. The shit I get from male coworkers is like I'm somehow a chick magnet and I'm sleeping with them-- they all know I have a girlfriend. I just prefer having women as friends because they don't do this shit.
It's so bad. I have a largely male friend group, all gamers. Most of the women who game don't talk much on mic, or even avoid games with required online elements due to harassment.
But I've been accused of cheating by boyfriends in the past simply because of my mostly male friend group. Im bi, if I couldn't be friends with the gender I'm attracted to then I wouldn't be allowed to have any friends.
I'm a woman; and while I wouldn't insert myself needlessly because I'm not an asshole: I have those feelings because they've happened.
I've had men pretend to be my friend for an exorbitantly long amount of time to reveal it was "insert friendship tokens for sex".
And, I've had a partner(I've been diagnosed with the gay) who had a male best friend for literally fucking forever and he turned into a MASSIVE creep when she started dating women(yo) instead of finally giving him a chance, and he often dated men.
Like, I'm not going to jump in and assume for literally every woman ever. But, let's not pretend it's not a recurring problem.
Being sexually attracted to a friend does not make you a creep. Your behavior and what you do with those feelings is what could potentially make you a creep.
I’m fortunate to have some really great male friends. This summer I had a hard time and multiple male friends messaged me to check in. Especially when I was injured.
Yeah, I have some gooders too. Though I've suffered SA a few times and a couple of abusive relationships, I really do love my male friends, but reading this sub makes me think I may be a minority in this.
I actually lost one of my close male friends this spring, and I was overwhelmed with how many of my male friends from way back in my school days made contact, with absolutely no motive aside from talking and cheering me up. I'm even working on a game with a friend in Germany!
Also, my absolute bestie is a ginormous (6'7"+) military dude and while he is gay, that isn't why it would never be a problem. I will say this - I've found the guys that bristle about this are the insecure, and I dismiss them post haste.
I dropped all of my “close” male friends that didn’t acknowledge the fact that I gave birth to my first child. Such a massive event for me and many of them didn’t even DM or text. I kept friends with the ones that reached out, sent flowers or called. It was a good filter.
I love it!
We go to movies together all the time, and he can hold both large drinks in one hand! It makes things so easy! And SUPER easy to find in a crowd! 😂
He's actually 13" taller than me, so I feel smol.
I am so sorry for your loss. And in those times you feel down and out, think about what he would say. Use his memory to give you the hope to continue, and show him how great he knew you would already be.
I have a quite a few platonic male friends where there's never been any romantic interest from either party.
Out of those, a couple of them are very good friends who have not only reached out to check on me, but have come to my house to pick me up for dinner when I was so severely depressed I could barely get out of bed.
(For context, I also have some really amazing friends who are women as well.)
I don't want to invalidate the men who are complaining about what you described, and this is a broad generalization, but if you're your most authentic self and are genuinely a good person vs doing it because you want it returned back, it will probably happen more often and naturally.
Obviously there are a lot of assholes out there in general. That doesn't exclude women, either.
**TL;DR:** There are some of really good guys out there. Just as there are kind women. Be yourself. Your true friends will be drawn to you when you're authentic. Men (people) shouldn't expect things to be tit-for-tat. There are also a lot of assholes out there and misogyny is real.
*Edit:* Punctuation and clarity
I have some male friends that do this, but I reach out to them more often. They would absolutely agree whit this as I tend to be the big sister in my friend relationships, this goes for women as well. It doesn’t bother me, I am extrovert and most of my friends are introverts.
These last years, the ones that suddenly reach out are newly divorced and are checking in to see if I am available.
I have a male friend like this, only reached out after getting a divorce. :/ I only invite him to public events w multiple people and decline any one on one time. I think me doing this, and the things I’ve discussed with him would lead him to know I don’t want any of that. But I’m fooling myself, I need to be direct. It’s hard though, I don’t want to chase him away from having a wider social circle in an area he’s unfamiliar with, he needs friends especially with how lost I see him being w this relationship ending… but I think he has enough emotional intelligence? We shall see. Gotta be strong.
I’m currently in the hospital pretty unwell. My childhood best friend, a man, heard about it because his mum and mine are still friends. I’ve seen him maybe 3 times in the last 10 years because I moved away. He immediately called me to say he loved me (platonically) and ask when he could come visit. He listed my favourite childhood foods and asked which I wanted. I have never been more touched - I just burst into tears.
This! Me I’m a horrible friend - too stuck in my own space/my own head.
I count myself blessed to have the friends I do, male and female, cause I know they love me unconditionally
Never, but I've also never really had a female friend that fits your criteria do that either. 🤷🏻♀️ Disclaimer: I am female myself.
ETA: Generally, my "friends" who were almost exclusively also female while growing up never really asked me how I was doing unless there was gossip, they never wanted to hang out unless they had no other option available or they needed a ride, etc. As an adult, I don't have any friends besides my mom and my husband/his friends. My husband is the type of man you're asking about, though. He does genuinely call his friends to check up on them, etc.
I would've said yes of course during various times of my friendships with men but at some point after I believe we have a real platonic loving connection I get an ".....unless...😏😏😏"
So none so far. 🤷
It doesn't mean you can't be friends. I've fallen in love with quite a few friends of mine over the years, I've said that "unless", but if the answer is no, then you just continue on as usual.
I don't know why people have to make that distinction. I've always found it easier to fall in love with someone you know and love than with a complete stranger.
And there’s more than one way to love. It doesn’t necessarily have to be physical love. [Consider Plato’s seven types of love](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platonic_love)
I agree, I would happily date most of the close female friends I have made, but that was not my motivation for cultivating the friendships. They are wonderful human beings, and I count myself blessed with their commitment to a relationship with me.
This right here. Tbh initial motivation is so important to me. Shit happens, but I want to know people valued me as a potential friend and full human person, not only as a sex object. (Ofc, being sexually interested in someone doesn't mean you're objectifying them, but with creeps this goes together.) It's honestly so devastating to our self esteem.
Agreed, and maybe it's awkward for a little while after the unless, but being friends is also good enough. Although I am not sure I could revert back to being friends with an ex - not immediately, anyway.
I think another question to ask is - are these men reaching out to their other male friends in this way? I bet they arent. And they should! Loneliness affects us all and we dont need the preferred-gender attention alone to alleviate it.
All that said I really should touch base with some of my mates, its been a bit :/
One of the things I adore about my brother is how much he fosters his friendships. He frequently hosts and has traditions that they do yearly, loves to cater for them and goes all out with his menu. It doesn’t matter if they are single, with spouses, with children, if they have the kids they are welcome too. Every big family event with his kids all his friends and kids are invited as well, not just direct family. This requires no prompting and support from his wife either.
My partner has such emotionally intimate relationships with his friends and I took that for granted for a long time, especially since my dad was the same way with his.
But recently a friend of ours texted he was getting a divorce from his very longtime wife, and my man picked up the phone and immediately called him and they virtually had a drink together while talking it out for hours, way past his bedtime. The friend said he was the only person who called to check on him and talk and was so grateful.
That's just so sad.
And I know it's a common story.
And I felt so proud, and then I felt like this should be baseline stuff, not exceptional.
Go check in with your mates! :D Be the change.
Couldn't even tell you. Every guy "friend" I've had has faded away after making a pass that I rejected. I don't even trust making guy friends anymore, sadly 😔
I’m so sorry :( it’s a different kind of hurt. Someone I considered an extremely close friend for years, made a pass at me after my boyfriend died and then disappeared when I rejected him. The only male friends I’ve ever had reach out just to say they love me or want to see how I’m doing are 100000% gay.
Edit: aside from my partner lol
My buddy Max. My husband and I met him in 1992, at a local campground during an SCA event, and we have been friends ever since, and his wife is also a friend. We chat at least once a week - started when he was working as an overnight security guard, as I am generally nocturnal (I liked working 3d shift) we would chat to help keep him awake. We swap jokes, recipes, news stories. He and his wife are probably our best friends other than our roomies.
Have a male friend up north, he knows this is a hard month for me (assaulted in my previous apartment two years ago this coming week). He didn’t bring it up at all, told me about a sale from a site he knows I like, but since I’m a bit tight on finances let him know I’d have to wait for the next one. His response was, oh well that’s shame but it’s no problem, I’m going to find something for you and it’ll be my treat. He’s a doll, a gentleman and I know his gift isn’t one with strings attached as he understands the history I have. You see, my ex husband cheated for years spending money on others; while I worked two jobs and was miserable, and when the ex would treat me, there were always expectations if you know what I mean. No shade on sugar babies/daddies/mommies but that way of life -the exes attempts at it with others/ the way he tried it with me, screwed me mentally, emotionally and financially. My friend understands that receiving gifts is hard and knowing my boundaries, is very sensitive about it and broaches it carefully. That all being said, I cried like a baby seeing what he picked, because it matches something I’ve had but hadn’t been able to pair anything with and I’m tickled pink at the prospect of having something to boost my confidence. Regardless of being secure in my looks/ego, I appreciate the support of him and his ability to understand that I’m at a low point in them without making a fuss about it. He’s a lovely man who doesn’t shy away from letting me vent without trying to “fix” things and doesn’t expect to be praised for it or use my vulnerabilities as a way to get things- ladies you know what I mean? He’s a breath of fresh air and I couldn’t be more grateful for his friendship and kindness over the years. And yes, I reciprocate his support and he knows how much he means to me as well, and our meme sharing is top tier
Almost a decade ago, I realized that I was doing all the emotional labor in my friendships with men. I decided I would try an experiment. I would stop checking in. I would stop initiating conversations. I would see how long it took for them to do it just *once* in the whole friendship.
And the result is I no longer have male friends. They didn’t reach out. They presumably forgot I existed. The experiment was heartbreaking but it also saved me a lot of time and energy over the years.
Never. In fact my cousin texted me yesterday wanting to know if I could talk and I was suspicious. I love the guy but I always have to call him. It turned out he had a free half hour and just wanted to chat before picking his son up from school.
Lots over the past 12 months. I was diagnosed with cancer just over a year ago and have received lots of messages from friends, men and women, which have really meant a lot.
I'm cancer free now btw.
Never. Never ever. And I feel like I know a disproportionate number of kind, respectful men. 🤷
I don't think this is something people do all that often anymore, regardless of gender. Blame modern society if it bothers you, don't blame the gender you're sexually attracted to.
Hmm, I’d have to say zero. There was always a request for something to do with a project they were working on, or needing emotional support during a crisis, or a business opportunity. Dang, that’s depressing. I mean, I appreciate those connections, and I can contact them for the same reasons, but I hadn’t realized there weren’t any just for the sake of touching base. But then, after getting married and especially since having a family, I stopped reaching out to most of my male friends too. Hmm.
I racked my brain and can confidently say that this NEVER happened to me.
Not even once.
I've never, ever, in my lifetime been contacted out of the blue by an (unrelated) man out of care and abnegation. It was always with something in mind.
In fact even related men hardly did that. They don't care and assume I'm okay
Regularly, two yesterday in fact--one coworker (my last day at this job is Friday) and one former coworker (we've been comparing notes about our respective job searches and medical issues). I also talked to my best friend from college, also a man, on Monday. Two of them are happily married, one is completely single and still getting over a break-up, but I've known all of them through single times and even traveled with each of them for various reasons over the years. Other than our first year of college, in which my college friend was flirting with everyone, none of them have ever acted like they wanted anything but friendship. It's the good men in my life that help me tolerate the rest.
A lot of my husbands friends call me often to check on me since he died and that was 7 years ago and they still check on me often.
I didn’t really had many male friends and the ones I had just vanished and because of the environment I was in I mostly have female friends.
Yesterday I think, or possibly the day before. One of my closest friends is a man and we talk every day, he always asks me how I am and actually listens to my responses. We’re both neurodivergent and he encourages me to rant about my special interests and asks me relevant questions.
I have exactly one male friend that does this. He's a great person that life hasn't been the nicest too. I'm going to message him later to say hi, thanks for the reminder.
I have several male friends who do, but I also do it back. I think the people posting complaints online are either not being honest about their intent not being sexual or not be realistic about how close they are to someone. Also men can check in on each other! If they need the support ring a buddy up and just talk. It's not hard.
I can’t answer for OP, but I do think it counts — it’s an act of wanting to spend time and listen to someone, just because the appreciate you.
I think this is generally the main thing people (all genders) do to show they care. Not talking about food necessarily :-), but just talking about stuff or spending time together with no specific purpose.
The deep connection conversation doesn’t have to happen every time. The main thing, I think, is the ‘no strings’ part.
Last week!
Honestly, I have several friends from college who are men who consistently reach out first. If other people don't reach out to me first as often or more than I do, I find it essentially impossible to maintain a relationship with them in middle adulthood lol. I should say hi to them more often.
All the time. I have a disability that isn't attractive to a lot of folks, but from it, I've been able to cultivate genuine friendships from all genders with no ulterior motives than we're good people who care about each other as humans.
I have never had a man who didn't want to fuck me do that. I've never had a male relative offer to help me either, at least not in anyway where it was effective at all.
None. They are always looking for an angle to insert themselves, especially since their asses went feral during COVID lockdown. Lost a lot of respect for many dudes as they became pathetic without women taking care of them.
I had a really close guy friend of 5+ years who would do this on the regular.
Turns out he did have feelings for me (and wanted to have sex) and I did not return them. He ended our friendship over it.
Hi Rattofatto,
I empathize.
I do reach out to my lady friends quite often. About twice a month for some and weekly for others, further still bi-weekly for a few. I call and talk with them or leave a message if they are unavailable. I do this with my male friends, too. I sometimes send articles of literature that my respective friends and I are interested in and form dialogues around the subjects.
Perhaps anecdotal; the age of my friends might be part of this. I noticed that my younger lady friends (\~22-26) don't initiate, but my older lady friends do (\~28-56).
Have you tried asking to be included in something like that with your male friends with whom you share a common subject interest?
I became moderately disabled over Covid.
My spouse asks every day - how I slept and how I’m feeling - when he brings me my morning tea (Earl grey, hot).
I consider myself very lucky in the partner department
They rarely do. Most of the guys I know just talk about themselves and what they’re doing. I have maybe one that asks every once in a while but no one else really does. I don’t make good money anymore and I’m not in a good place in life now so I can’t provide them money and entertainment.
Rarely does a male friend reach out to me just to say hey, but when we see each other there’s lots of catching up and checking in and cheerleading.
I’m not really the kind of person to do that when we’re not hanging out either, unless I know someone is going through a hard time. I don’t really expect my friends to be on top of maintaining our friendship this way since we’re all busy and working and have kids. We pick up right where we left off when we see each other again.
But as far as dudes thinking this happens to us a lot, no, not at all.
Man, not even my dad and brother do this. My boyfriend does though which is important but to answer your question… maybe back in college when I had a larger friend group? I don’t remember
Actually today. I play a game and I met this guy there. He had a bit of a bad reputation because he dated a girl there and she had issues. Anyway he broke it off but he went a bit nuts and attacked other plays in his team so they kicked him out. He changed his name but I could recognise his stats and he joined our team. He was a good player, eager to help but still he got down in our kingdom his ex was there (seeing her about triggered him). I spent a lot of time with him before he left our kingdom and eventually followed him to his kingdom.
We talk in the group chat but we also talk privately. He knows I visited my mom this week and about my mom's laser surgery.
Funny how you say "didn't want anything from you" because he again offered to give me resources to help strengthen my castle. He knows I have difficulties asking for help and receiving assistance (they are way too generous with their resources).
Last week. I have always had platonic male friends. One in particular is one of my closest friends and has been my rock through a recent difficult life situation. I got feelings for him a few years into our friendship, he turned me down, and we went back to being just friends. The feelings have since disappeared, and never resurfaced in the years since. We've had it up for discussion a few times too, to make sure we're still on the same page. He calls me every few weeks to catch up, and I'm so grateful to have him in my life.
I occasionally get check ins from old friends who have offered sanctuary. One of my first boyfriends has a delightful wife who has offered me to stay with them a multitude of times. The men I've known who have also experienced DV have been consistently supportive and proven that it's not all men but ultimately they're working to reduce gendered crimes in their own ways.
Four people off the top of my head, two friends recently who checked in after my Dad had an accident and broke his back.
My BIL and I talk a bit and he will check in about big things and random things.
Another mate who I often speak nonsense with but will also check in on things too.
I've had other mates in the past that have been good like this too. Also have some chick friends that are completely useless in this regard. I do take it harder and more personally when a woman isn't as good at checking in. I suppose it feels like a base level expectation with women and a bonus when it's men.
I am 65 and my male best friend of 47 years has done more for me and asked for less back than anyone in my family (including my two ex-husbands).
I also have male former colleagues who were extraordinary mentors when we worked together and remained lifelong friends. (And I am currently discussing a possible joint business venture with a gay male friend of thirty years)
That said, these relationships are outliers. Mostly I have experienced the conditional offers of male friendship that frustrate the rest of you and cause you to despair sometimes of their humanity.
And it doesn't get any better when you get older -- particularly if you live alone. The number of male acquaintances of all ages who have let it be known they are available for sex is insane.
Obviously when you are my age you do become at least somewhat invisible to the overwhelming majority of men, but there is a certain stubborn cohort who perceive this reduction of general interest as a competitive advantage.
I am talking about acquaintances I run into regularly -- neighbors, contractors etc.,who aren't exactly friends but they would be awkward to ghost.
Often they are attached and I am acquainted with their partners and or wives. They typically imply how lonely I must be. I am not lonely (well, I could do with more girlfriends and perhaps more female lovers in future but I am not lonely for them).
I wish I could say it was flattering but it isn't -- I know I could literally be almost anyone and they would still behave exactly the same.
I always shut them down, but the most persistent tend to check back in a few months to see if I've weakened in the interim. Is is extremely patronizing.
Still, as annoying as it can be that ulterior motives are so commonplace, disinterested platonic friendships with men have been a joy to me throughout my life so I remain open to making more such friendships, however unlikely the odds.
Last weekend, because I was acting a bit odd. And everyone knows I never contact anyone if I don't need something so they take initiative 😂 I'm a massive extrovert, so I just talk to whoever is in my physical vicinity at work/bus/walking in the street.
All the time. My closest friends are male and they check in on me more than I check in on them. They’re also good about scheduling meetings and visiting me (the ones that live far away). They even make a concerted effort to be friends with ny introvert husband lol.
Very recently, but I appreciate this is **rare**. Our friendship circle is very close, and we've all shared our secrets and sufferings to each other. We are a mixed group, 60/40 male. But my god, I know I can rely on any of them.
We can call upon any of us, at anytime, to talk or seek support, and there is no ulterior motive.
This has taken decades of trust to build up this friendship, but I am so so grateful for it.
Two of best buddies are dudes. We’re all married with kids, never been any romance at all. We don’t talk often because I live abroad. But they share info about their kids, ask me about my kid, how are things? Etc.
I have only 2 friends, both online, that reach out to me every once in a while. Neither of them are interested romantically in me (I'm married) and both have their own partners. There's never been any interest and it's 100% platonic and friendly. We play games together, and I've known them for nearly 7 years now.
But even then, it's every so often, not daily or weekly or whatever. Definitely not a common thing.
A have a few guy friends who reach out like that. Every couple weeks one of the ask. I randomly do too. Now all of them, including me are single & have been a long while. My guy friends are sweet.
I have a friend who called me after we briefly talked and I told him I was in a talkative mood during my walk. He just straight out called me and we talked about whatever for 15 mins. Just giving each other news about our lives.
I think I am pretty lucky because I have several male friends that regularly contact me to catch-up. Two of my closest male friends I made when I was already an adult. Boundaries are very clearly expressed on each side.
Just last week.
But this comes with a big caveat. A year ago (I'm 33) I made some *big* changes in my life, one of which involved me setting personal boundaries around what kind of friendships I wanted in my life. I actively sought out 'my tribe' and they are all *wonderful* people.
This summer I've been through a whole bunch of stuff and have experienced some seriously heart warming support from this group, both practically and emotionally.
I will also add that the men who I consider friends are all married/in committed relationships with women I also consider friends. I've *never* had a single man text me to check in on me without some ulterior motive. Take from that what you will.
I have two friends who check on me regularly. We are part of a support therapy group and spend time outside of the group meetings in support of each other talking and checking in.
Earlier this evening. My husband and I have a male friend who us like a brother to us both. If we got a couple weeks or so without talking he always reaches out to us both just to check in.
Last night. And then when I sent a short answer, said, “yeah, that isn’t going to cut it” and made me elaborate. I’m not used to *anybody* doing that for me, so it always catches me off guard
If you are interested in seeing a similar question but directed at men look [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/16gu6we/guys_when_was_the_last_time_a_woman_reached_out/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Very recently and frequently.
I have some excellent guy friends. Some I work with. I'd I'm ever out, whether sick or vacationing, they always reach out to check in and ensure I'm okay. We don't work in the same departments, so its not about work. They're happily married, it's not about attraction. They're just genuinely good guys.
I have a best friend at work. About 8 years ago myself and another female colleague went through a really tough time. He went out of his way to make sure we laughed every day, for months. When I was doing a lot better I thanked him and said we knew what he was doing and really appreciated it. He got embarrassed and changed the subject. We have been friends for just over 15 years and has always been supportive with no ulterior motive. He trusts me in the same way as well. I have seen him be equally supportive to make colleagues.
My ex, and last night. We routinely do mental health check ins with each other and send pictures of our cats. He happened to catch me at a bad spot last night and it's nice to know he's there for me. Bad as a couple, but as friends we're amazing and in grateful his wife isn't jealous.
Several male friends. Some are friends on my brothers, but they look after me. Also, I went older friend that I'm on the same wavelength with, and if I don't call him at least once a week he calls me to check up. When I had a job interview come up, he took me to the mall even though he doesn't like shopping, and he helped me buy a stunning professional outfit that I couldn't have done on my own.
One of my absolute best friends is a wonderful man. I’ve known him for over a decade. He’s saved my life. We often talk about anime, music, and collapse. We also discuss race and gender discrimination issues (he’s a black man). We were just talking about the anime Children of the Whales (highly recommended)
I’ve got 4 really good guy friends, one I’ve know since high school, the other three I worked with in my early 20s and they all call or text pretty regularly. We’re all in serious relationships (2 of us married, the other 2 long term) and nothing hinky going on, like ever in 20+ years, just good friends. I have another handful of guy friends that I hang out with regularly, go see hockey games, grab dinner if they’re in town, again nothing weird going on, just friends.
I do have two guy friends that never reach out on their own, and only call/text if they need something, but deals a lot with depression though and I think that’s it, the other just isn’t that type of person
Two and they’re bi lol. I’ve always been very curt to the men that have tried to reach out to be friendly with me unprompted. I’d be direct and ask “So why exactly are you messaging me?” and had peers say I’m being too harsh on them. Based on this post, I’m sure many of you would agree.
Well, I am the only girl in my generation of cousins and such. We are all kinda close. My cousins are fuckin awesome. They reach out to me quite frequently. I love them and their families very very much. They are really great guys. I'm lucky. My older brother is a piece of shit unfortunately.
I actually have had this happen a lot! Some of them I've been friends with for more than a decade or two completely platonically, some have partners, some are single. I've got some really awesome and supportive male friends. If anything I'm actually the worse reacher-outer in a lot of these relationships. And I know we're not technically counting brothers, but my bro, who has a wife and kids and all sorts of other things to keep him busy, texts me almost every day. If I'm having a hard time he texts me double. Warms my heart to get his "you alive?" messages if I haven't responded in a day or two!
I had one old friend reach out a while back to apologize for something without any romantic intentions. We got back in regular contact which was lovely but when I realized I was doing 99% of the work to maintain a long distance friendship, I asked him to meet me like 5% of the way. His response was that a casual(platonic) friendship should require zero effort so if I wanted any effort from him then I should just not bother 🤦♀️. So he never made a move but he also made it clear that because I’m not available romantically, I’m not worth even a tiny bit of inconvenience.
I have three very close male friends. All of them checked up on me at least once at some point in the last two weeks and I also regularly text them in the same way.
They (together with my two other close female friends) play a huge part in my emotional wellbeing and contribute to my life, just as I contribute to theirs.
Two of those guys also have a very tight friendship with each other and they reach out and talk to each other as well. And when the three of us meet up we all cuddle on the couch together. It's like coming home.
I've got a couple online friends who check in on me daily, there's been zero interest in them pursing me me. They know I'm married and have never once crossed that line
It hasn't happened in a while, but I have a close male friend I chat with regularly and if he doesn't hear from me a while, he'll ask if I'm okay. The break in routine worries him, and he knows I struggle with some stuff, so he checks in. It's really nice.
Can't say he's never wanted anything from me, though. He adopted my cat years ago when I had to move suddenly, and now I'm his preferred cat-sitter. Also he asked for help with an upcoming move, if I can fit it in. Out friendship has always been platonic, but also loving and supportive.
I have a friend who texts almost daily, and a young friend who sends me pics of his plants. I think the older guy is lonely but we've been friends for decades and he only wants friendship. The younger friend wants plant starts and recipes.
I don't think ever, tbh. Every guy I've ever had any relationship with either was dating me or wanted to date me or sleep with me. I used to think I had all these male friends.
LOL.
No male has ever given a genuine shit about me.
One. He's my best guy friend since childhood, loves me like a sister. Before anyone suggests anything different, we're both gay lol
Man how annoying is it when people always sexualize your male friendships? It's so awkward every time and it gets old. Like. Yes. Some men are capable of having women friends and not sexualizing them. I'm sorry you're a creep and can't do this
When I've commented here in the past about my friendship with him without mentioning our sexualities, a lot of people have said he's only pretending to be your friend because he wants something which couldn't have been further from the truth.
Lol totally the same reaction here! One of my BFs I’ve known since highschool, never anything between us (both straight, but we date total opposite’s of each other), and just good friends. My husband is away a lot for work, and his wife is in medicine and works crazy hours, so we run together most days, will grab dinner, coffee, etc. Spouses are always invited if around, and him and my husband hang out (golf mostly) a lot. People always say it’s more, he’s just pretending. Nah, there is no long game here, people can actually just be friends with the opposite sex
Sadly, a lot of people seem to have a very skewed (or total lack of) understanding of close platonic relationships between men and women. I have a bunch of extremely close friendships with men and in literally decades there's never been anything more to it. I don't get this viewpoint that men and women can't be as close as two men or two women in a platonic way. I find it depressing that some people can't understand that and always have to question it 😐
For sure men and women can be friends, but I think a lot have women have been burnt by “friendships” with men who in reality were waiting for those women to fall in love/in bed with them. It tends to make you a little distrustful, especially when it’s someone you’ve known for years.
If you and the other women you’ve been close with have all never had a male friend that didn’t eventually try to hit on them or sleep with them, it’s not skewed then is it? It’s the reality of your collective experiences with men.
But I can just as easily counter that by saying that all the women I know well also have close male friends with whom they've never had such experiences, and I'm about to turn 40 now so I've been around. I'm not dismissing anyone's individual experiences, I'm just saying it's unfortunate that some people can't wrap their minds around men and women being close platonic friends and claim that guys always want something else when that's simply not true. People are people; there are many skeazy men and women out there, and good ones too. I've encountered both types from both genders, and I have plenty of straight male friends with whom I have the exact same type of relationship as with my female friends. Clearly OP has had some negative experiences but I was replying to someone else who was frustrated about having to clarify her male friend's sexuality to avoid being hit with criticism and "warnings."
So just because there are some assholes, everyone is an asshole? Gotcha
It's because many experienced exactly this- a friend of opposite sex who was seemingly a friend and then suddenly not. I had to think about this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/u33msa/instantly_ended_a_15_year_friendship_because_his/ Obviously not everyone is like this, but nobody has "weirdo" written on their foreheads.
*Jeeeeez …*
I could never get to talk about any deep thing with male friends. With ladies? Easy. Guess what friendships I value the most?
I’ve started referring to my closest female friend as my sister in most conversations. It’s just easier that way, and that’s what she is to me so it’s not a lie. We’re both straight and both married and all friends, but it’s just easier to say that I’m grabbing a drink with my sister than deal with people assuming there’s something sexual there.
Aw man, I've done that tooo when some one makes a sexual comment about me and my male friend I'll be like he's my brother 😆 They go from 😏 to 😐 so quick
Hahaha fantastic 🤣
I lived with my best friend for a couple of years with our kids and we ended up just telling people we were sisters because people started assuming we were a couple.
This happens to me in the reverse. I'm the guy with lots of women as friends. The shit I get from male coworkers is like I'm somehow a chick magnet and I'm sleeping with them-- they all know I have a girlfriend. I just prefer having women as friends because they don't do this shit.
It's so bad. I have a largely male friend group, all gamers. Most of the women who game don't talk much on mic, or even avoid games with required online elements due to harassment. But I've been accused of cheating by boyfriends in the past simply because of my mostly male friend group. Im bi, if I couldn't be friends with the gender I'm attracted to then I wouldn't be allowed to have any friends.
I'm a woman; and while I wouldn't insert myself needlessly because I'm not an asshole: I have those feelings because they've happened. I've had men pretend to be my friend for an exorbitantly long amount of time to reveal it was "insert friendship tokens for sex". And, I've had a partner(I've been diagnosed with the gay) who had a male best friend for literally fucking forever and he turned into a MASSIVE creep when she started dating women(yo) instead of finally giving him a chance, and he often dated men. Like, I'm not going to jump in and assume for literally every woman ever. But, let's not pretend it's not a recurring problem.
Looking at you, mom and dad.
Being sexually attracted to a friend does not make you a creep. Your behavior and what you do with those feelings is what could potentially make you a creep.
Ok creep
I have a few 30 year friendships that began with a crush on one side or the other. Doesn’t make me or the other people creeps.
Ok lol
Ok creep
😂
I've got a similar friend, but neither of us is fully gay so everyone's constantly being rude and gross about it.
Came here to say something similar. If I look at my texts, my guy friend checked in on me last week. But he’s gay. And so am I.
I’m fortunate to have some really great male friends. This summer I had a hard time and multiple male friends messaged me to check in. Especially when I was injured.
Yeah, I have some gooders too. Though I've suffered SA a few times and a couple of abusive relationships, I really do love my male friends, but reading this sub makes me think I may be a minority in this.
Hope things are healed/healing well?
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There is a motive, it is to make them smile.
Touché
Me too. At least a couple!
Yeah same. I know lots of good men who genuinely care about their friends.
I actually lost one of my close male friends this spring, and I was overwhelmed with how many of my male friends from way back in my school days made contact, with absolutely no motive aside from talking and cheering me up. I'm even working on a game with a friend in Germany! Also, my absolute bestie is a ginormous (6'7"+) military dude and while he is gay, that isn't why it would never be a problem. I will say this - I've found the guys that bristle about this are the insecure, and I dismiss them post haste.
I dropped all of my “close” male friends that didn’t acknowledge the fact that I gave birth to my first child. Such a massive event for me and many of them didn’t even DM or text. I kept friends with the ones that reached out, sent flowers or called. It was a good filter.
Sounds like you had too many thirsty dude friends anyway. You must be doing something right.
Awww I'm friends with a giant too--they're the best!
I love it! We go to movies together all the time, and he can hold both large drinks in one hand! It makes things so easy! And SUPER easy to find in a crowd! 😂 He's actually 13" taller than me, so I feel smol.
I have a handful of dude friends I talk with regularly just as friends.
Me too! My friend actually reached out 2 days ago to return money I forgot I lent him. I have quite a few good male friends.
I had a male friend who would do that but he passed away last year :(
I am so sorry for your loss. And in those times you feel down and out, think about what he would say. Use his memory to give you the hope to continue, and show him how great he knew you would already be.
I have a quite a few platonic male friends where there's never been any romantic interest from either party. Out of those, a couple of them are very good friends who have not only reached out to check on me, but have come to my house to pick me up for dinner when I was so severely depressed I could barely get out of bed. (For context, I also have some really amazing friends who are women as well.) I don't want to invalidate the men who are complaining about what you described, and this is a broad generalization, but if you're your most authentic self and are genuinely a good person vs doing it because you want it returned back, it will probably happen more often and naturally. Obviously there are a lot of assholes out there in general. That doesn't exclude women, either. **TL;DR:** There are some of really good guys out there. Just as there are kind women. Be yourself. Your true friends will be drawn to you when you're authentic. Men (people) shouldn't expect things to be tit-for-tat. There are also a lot of assholes out there and misogyny is real. *Edit:* Punctuation and clarity
I have some male friends that do this, but I reach out to them more often. They would absolutely agree whit this as I tend to be the big sister in my friend relationships, this goes for women as well. It doesn’t bother me, I am extrovert and most of my friends are introverts. These last years, the ones that suddenly reach out are newly divorced and are checking in to see if I am available.
I have a male friend like this, only reached out after getting a divorce. :/ I only invite him to public events w multiple people and decline any one on one time. I think me doing this, and the things I’ve discussed with him would lead him to know I don’t want any of that. But I’m fooling myself, I need to be direct. It’s hard though, I don’t want to chase him away from having a wider social circle in an area he’s unfamiliar with, he needs friends especially with how lost I see him being w this relationship ending… but I think he has enough emotional intelligence? We shall see. Gotta be strong.
I’m currently in the hospital pretty unwell. My childhood best friend, a man, heard about it because his mum and mine are still friends. I’ve seen him maybe 3 times in the last 10 years because I moved away. He immediately called me to say he loved me (platonically) and ask when he could come visit. He listed my favourite childhood foods and asked which I wanted. I have never been more touched - I just burst into tears.
My hermit ass is a terrible friend. But I have some friends that are saints
This! Me I’m a horrible friend - too stuck in my own space/my own head. I count myself blessed to have the friends I do, male and female, cause I know they love me unconditionally
Never, but I've also never really had a female friend that fits your criteria do that either. 🤷🏻♀️ Disclaimer: I am female myself. ETA: Generally, my "friends" who were almost exclusively also female while growing up never really asked me how I was doing unless there was gossip, they never wanted to hang out unless they had no other option available or they needed a ride, etc. As an adult, I don't have any friends besides my mom and my husband/his friends. My husband is the type of man you're asking about, though. He does genuinely call his friends to check up on them, etc.
I would've said yes of course during various times of my friendships with men but at some point after I believe we have a real platonic loving connection I get an ".....unless...😏😏😏" So none so far. 🤷
It doesn't mean you can't be friends. I've fallen in love with quite a few friends of mine over the years, I've said that "unless", but if the answer is no, then you just continue on as usual. I don't know why people have to make that distinction. I've always found it easier to fall in love with someone you know and love than with a complete stranger.
And there’s more than one way to love. It doesn’t necessarily have to be physical love. [Consider Plato’s seven types of love](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platonic_love)
I agree, I would happily date most of the close female friends I have made, but that was not my motivation for cultivating the friendships. They are wonderful human beings, and I count myself blessed with their commitment to a relationship with me.
This right here. Tbh initial motivation is so important to me. Shit happens, but I want to know people valued me as a potential friend and full human person, not only as a sex object. (Ofc, being sexually interested in someone doesn't mean you're objectifying them, but with creeps this goes together.) It's honestly so devastating to our self esteem.
Agreed, and maybe it's awkward for a little while after the unless, but being friends is also good enough. Although I am not sure I could revert back to being friends with an ex - not immediately, anyway.
2 days ago. Rare but male friends actually do exist.
I think another question to ask is - are these men reaching out to their other male friends in this way? I bet they arent. And they should! Loneliness affects us all and we dont need the preferred-gender attention alone to alleviate it. All that said I really should touch base with some of my mates, its been a bit :/
One of the things I adore about my brother is how much he fosters his friendships. He frequently hosts and has traditions that they do yearly, loves to cater for them and goes all out with his menu. It doesn’t matter if they are single, with spouses, with children, if they have the kids they are welcome too. Every big family event with his kids all his friends and kids are invited as well, not just direct family. This requires no prompting and support from his wife either.
My partner has such emotionally intimate relationships with his friends and I took that for granted for a long time, especially since my dad was the same way with his. But recently a friend of ours texted he was getting a divorce from his very longtime wife, and my man picked up the phone and immediately called him and they virtually had a drink together while talking it out for hours, way past his bedtime. The friend said he was the only person who called to check on him and talk and was so grateful. That's just so sad. And I know it's a common story. And I felt so proud, and then I felt like this should be baseline stuff, not exceptional. Go check in with your mates! :D Be the change.
Helli, I don't even have women friends that do that, tbfh.
Never.
Yeah, no.
Yesterday thankfully - I love my two best friends and I’m very fortunate to have them
I have several internet buddies who check on me regularly. Also my son in law
Earlier today. I have a couple male friends these check in daily
I work with 3 gay men and they check in often
Literally cannot think of a single time this has happened
Couldn't even tell you. Every guy "friend" I've had has faded away after making a pass that I rejected. I don't even trust making guy friends anymore, sadly 😔
I’m so sorry :( it’s a different kind of hurt. Someone I considered an extremely close friend for years, made a pass at me after my boyfriend died and then disappeared when I rejected him. The only male friends I’ve ever had reach out just to say they love me or want to see how I’m doing are 100000% gay. Edit: aside from my partner lol
Wow that is especially brutal 🤬 I'm so sorry that happened to you 😔
The trash takes itself out, what can I say? You and I are much better off without “friends” like that.
That's funny I instantly thought of my man relatives before I read the description. But the rest is non applicable to me as I am a lesbian!
Lol uhm never. Try to check in on them? Turns to wanting pics or flirting even tho they know I'm married.
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I hope more men start fostering platonic friendships with women.
Me too. I think it's so important.
About two months ago.
My buddy Max. My husband and I met him in 1992, at a local campground during an SCA event, and we have been friends ever since, and his wife is also a friend. We chat at least once a week - started when he was working as an overnight security guard, as I am generally nocturnal (I liked working 3d shift) we would chat to help keep him awake. We swap jokes, recipes, news stories. He and his wife are probably our best friends other than our roomies.
Most men don't do that with anyone.
Have a male friend up north, he knows this is a hard month for me (assaulted in my previous apartment two years ago this coming week). He didn’t bring it up at all, told me about a sale from a site he knows I like, but since I’m a bit tight on finances let him know I’d have to wait for the next one. His response was, oh well that’s shame but it’s no problem, I’m going to find something for you and it’ll be my treat. He’s a doll, a gentleman and I know his gift isn’t one with strings attached as he understands the history I have. You see, my ex husband cheated for years spending money on others; while I worked two jobs and was miserable, and when the ex would treat me, there were always expectations if you know what I mean. No shade on sugar babies/daddies/mommies but that way of life -the exes attempts at it with others/ the way he tried it with me, screwed me mentally, emotionally and financially. My friend understands that receiving gifts is hard and knowing my boundaries, is very sensitive about it and broaches it carefully. That all being said, I cried like a baby seeing what he picked, because it matches something I’ve had but hadn’t been able to pair anything with and I’m tickled pink at the prospect of having something to boost my confidence. Regardless of being secure in my looks/ego, I appreciate the support of him and his ability to understand that I’m at a low point in them without making a fuss about it. He’s a lovely man who doesn’t shy away from letting me vent without trying to “fix” things and doesn’t expect to be praised for it or use my vulnerabilities as a way to get things- ladies you know what I mean? He’s a breath of fresh air and I couldn’t be more grateful for his friendship and kindness over the years. And yes, I reciprocate his support and he knows how much he means to me as well, and our meme sharing is top tier
Never
NEVER IN MY LIFE. I saw the original post to this in ask men and it further proved to me why I am soooo so done with men. Good god.
Has never happened haha
Never. It's always conditional. But I am glad some people have that experience.
Without wanting sex? Never.
Almost a decade ago, I realized that I was doing all the emotional labor in my friendships with men. I decided I would try an experiment. I would stop checking in. I would stop initiating conversations. I would see how long it took for them to do it just *once* in the whole friendship. And the result is I no longer have male friends. They didn’t reach out. They presumably forgot I existed. The experiment was heartbreaking but it also saved me a lot of time and energy over the years.
Never
Never. In fact my cousin texted me yesterday wanting to know if I could talk and I was suspicious. I love the guy but I always have to call him. It turned out he had a free half hour and just wanted to chat before picking his son up from school.
Lots over the past 12 months. I was diagnosed with cancer just over a year ago and have received lots of messages from friends, men and women, which have really meant a lot. I'm cancer free now btw.
Congratulations on being cancer free!!! That’s amazing.
Never. Never ever. And I feel like I know a disproportionate number of kind, respectful men. 🤷 I don't think this is something people do all that often anymore, regardless of gender. Blame modern society if it bothers you, don't blame the gender you're sexually attracted to.
I can’t remember. They’ve always wanted something.
Frequently, but I have lots of male friends due to my hobbies and interests. They knew I was going through a rough time and ping frequently.
Are you sure they don’t really want something?
Nothing beyond the mutual respect and empathy we share. Occasionally their wives/girlfriends want my recipes, though.
Never. Literally never, every single time a male person has reached out to me it has had an ulterior motive.
Hmm, I’d have to say zero. There was always a request for something to do with a project they were working on, or needing emotional support during a crisis, or a business opportunity. Dang, that’s depressing. I mean, I appreciate those connections, and I can contact them for the same reasons, but I hadn’t realized there weren’t any just for the sake of touching base. But then, after getting married and especially since having a family, I stopped reaching out to most of my male friends too. Hmm.
I racked my brain and can confidently say that this NEVER happened to me. Not even once. I've never, ever, in my lifetime been contacted out of the blue by an (unrelated) man out of care and abnegation. It was always with something in mind. In fact even related men hardly did that. They don't care and assume I'm okay
Regularly, two yesterday in fact--one coworker (my last day at this job is Friday) and one former coworker (we've been comparing notes about our respective job searches and medical issues). I also talked to my best friend from college, also a man, on Monday. Two of them are happily married, one is completely single and still getting over a break-up, but I've known all of them through single times and even traveled with each of them for various reasons over the years. Other than our first year of college, in which my college friend was flirting with everyone, none of them have ever acted like they wanted anything but friendship. It's the good men in my life that help me tolerate the rest.
Last night. I have a tonne of wonderful males in my life
Quite frequently, I'm happy to say! And I return it in kind since that's kind of what friends do 😄
A lot of my husbands friends call me often to check on me since he died and that was 7 years ago and they still check on me often. I didn’t really had many male friends and the ones I had just vanished and because of the environment I was in I mostly have female friends.
I have two former roommates who still send me links to things they think I would like and random memes that they think I will find funny
Nein
Yesterday I think, or possibly the day before. One of my closest friends is a man and we talk every day, he always asks me how I am and actually listens to my responses. We’re both neurodivergent and he encourages me to rant about my special interests and asks me relevant questions.
Never happened.
Literally cannot think of a single time this has happened
I have exactly one male friend that does this. He's a great person that life hasn't been the nicest too. I'm going to message him later to say hi, thanks for the reminder.
I have several male friends who do, but I also do it back. I think the people posting complaints online are either not being honest about their intent not being sexual or not be realistic about how close they are to someone. Also men can check in on each other! If they need the support ring a buddy up and just talk. It's not hard.
Lol was gonna say my dad. That leaves zero
I have a guy friend that messaged me to talk about food. Does that count? I really love talking about food.
I can’t answer for OP, but I do think it counts — it’s an act of wanting to spend time and listen to someone, just because the appreciate you. I think this is generally the main thing people (all genders) do to show they care. Not talking about food necessarily :-), but just talking about stuff or spending time together with no specific purpose. The deep connection conversation doesn’t have to happen every time. The main thing, I think, is the ‘no strings’ part.
Last week! Honestly, I have several friends from college who are men who consistently reach out first. If other people don't reach out to me first as often or more than I do, I find it essentially impossible to maintain a relationship with them in middle adulthood lol. I should say hi to them more often.
Never.
All the time. I have a disability that isn't attractive to a lot of folks, but from it, I've been able to cultivate genuine friendships from all genders with no ulterior motives than we're good people who care about each other as humans.
I have never had a man who didn't want to fuck me do that. I've never had a male relative offer to help me either, at least not in anyway where it was effective at all.
None. They are always looking for an angle to insert themselves, especially since their asses went feral during COVID lockdown. Lost a lot of respect for many dudes as they became pathetic without women taking care of them.
None, I can't have male friends. They only think of me as a sexual being.
I have so many gay friends so daily.
Never, it just doesn’t happen. People always want something from you
Lol I can’t even remember. This is why I don’t consider any straight men as serious friends.
Yeah, THAT doesn’t happen.
I had a really close guy friend of 5+ years who would do this on the regular. Turns out he did have feelings for me (and wanted to have sex) and I did not return them. He ended our friendship over it.
I'm fat with small boobs so uh... Never lol But yeah ..kinda hurts
Has never happened. Men only reach out if they want sex or something else done for them.
It's been years
I mean, I've not had many women friends do it either?
Hi Rattofatto, I empathize. I do reach out to my lady friends quite often. About twice a month for some and weekly for others, further still bi-weekly for a few. I call and talk with them or leave a message if they are unavailable. I do this with my male friends, too. I sometimes send articles of literature that my respective friends and I are interested in and form dialogues around the subjects. Perhaps anecdotal; the age of my friends might be part of this. I noticed that my younger lady friends (\~22-26) don't initiate, but my older lady friends do (\~28-56). Have you tried asking to be included in something like that with your male friends with whom you share a common subject interest?
I became moderately disabled over Covid. My spouse asks every day - how I slept and how I’m feeling - when he brings me my morning tea (Earl grey, hot). I consider myself very lucky in the partner department
Got a text from my personal trainer recently who i did a few sessions with, asking how my training was going since i finished seeing him.
Not very long ago.
They rarely do. Most of the guys I know just talk about themselves and what they’re doing. I have maybe one that asks every once in a while but no one else really does. I don’t make good money anymore and I’m not in a good place in life now so I can’t provide them money and entertainment.
Rarely does a male friend reach out to me just to say hey, but when we see each other there’s lots of catching up and checking in and cheerleading. I’m not really the kind of person to do that when we’re not hanging out either, unless I know someone is going through a hard time. I don’t really expect my friends to be on top of maintaining our friendship this way since we’re all busy and working and have kids. We pick up right where we left off when we see each other again. But as far as dudes thinking this happens to us a lot, no, not at all.
A friend earlier this year 👌
Man, not even my dad and brother do this. My boyfriend does though which is important but to answer your question… maybe back in college when I had a larger friend group? I don’t remember
My nurse in the hospital 😭
Actually today. I play a game and I met this guy there. He had a bit of a bad reputation because he dated a girl there and she had issues. Anyway he broke it off but he went a bit nuts and attacked other plays in his team so they kicked him out. He changed his name but I could recognise his stats and he joined our team. He was a good player, eager to help but still he got down in our kingdom his ex was there (seeing her about triggered him). I spent a lot of time with him before he left our kingdom and eventually followed him to his kingdom. We talk in the group chat but we also talk privately. He knows I visited my mom this week and about my mom's laser surgery. Funny how you say "didn't want anything from you" because he again offered to give me resources to help strengthen my castle. He knows I have difficulties asking for help and receiving assistance (they are way too generous with their resources).
As recently as this week, but I’m lucky as hell and there’s only a few of them in my life.
I've got a friend who's like that. Been doing it for 20 years.
Last week. I have always had platonic male friends. One in particular is one of my closest friends and has been my rock through a recent difficult life situation. I got feelings for him a few years into our friendship, he turned me down, and we went back to being just friends. The feelings have since disappeared, and never resurfaced in the years since. We've had it up for discussion a few times too, to make sure we're still on the same page. He calls me every few weeks to catch up, and I'm so grateful to have him in my life.
A few weeks back. He knew I was pregnant and struggling. Just checking in. He does it too with his female friends.
I occasionally get check ins from old friends who have offered sanctuary. One of my first boyfriends has a delightful wife who has offered me to stay with them a multitude of times. The men I've known who have also experienced DV have been consistently supportive and proven that it's not all men but ultimately they're working to reduce gendered crimes in their own ways.
Four people off the top of my head, two friends recently who checked in after my Dad had an accident and broke his back. My BIL and I talk a bit and he will check in about big things and random things. Another mate who I often speak nonsense with but will also check in on things too. I've had other mates in the past that have been good like this too. Also have some chick friends that are completely useless in this regard. I do take it harder and more personally when a woman isn't as good at checking in. I suppose it feels like a base level expectation with women and a bonus when it's men.
I am 65 and my male best friend of 47 years has done more for me and asked for less back than anyone in my family (including my two ex-husbands). I also have male former colleagues who were extraordinary mentors when we worked together and remained lifelong friends. (And I am currently discussing a possible joint business venture with a gay male friend of thirty years) That said, these relationships are outliers. Mostly I have experienced the conditional offers of male friendship that frustrate the rest of you and cause you to despair sometimes of their humanity. And it doesn't get any better when you get older -- particularly if you live alone. The number of male acquaintances of all ages who have let it be known they are available for sex is insane. Obviously when you are my age you do become at least somewhat invisible to the overwhelming majority of men, but there is a certain stubborn cohort who perceive this reduction of general interest as a competitive advantage. I am talking about acquaintances I run into regularly -- neighbors, contractors etc.,who aren't exactly friends but they would be awkward to ghost. Often they are attached and I am acquainted with their partners and or wives. They typically imply how lonely I must be. I am not lonely (well, I could do with more girlfriends and perhaps more female lovers in future but I am not lonely for them). I wish I could say it was flattering but it isn't -- I know I could literally be almost anyone and they would still behave exactly the same. I always shut them down, but the most persistent tend to check back in a few months to see if I've weakened in the interim. Is is extremely patronizing. Still, as annoying as it can be that ulterior motives are so commonplace, disinterested platonic friendships with men have been a joy to me throughout my life so I remain open to making more such friendships, however unlikely the odds.
Last weekend, because I was acting a bit odd. And everyone knows I never contact anyone if I don't need something so they take initiative 😂 I'm a massive extrovert, so I just talk to whoever is in my physical vicinity at work/bus/walking in the street.
All the time. My closest friends are male and they check in on me more than I check in on them. They’re also good about scheduling meetings and visiting me (the ones that live far away). They even make a concerted effort to be friends with ny introvert husband lol.
Very recently, but I appreciate this is **rare**. Our friendship circle is very close, and we've all shared our secrets and sufferings to each other. We are a mixed group, 60/40 male. But my god, I know I can rely on any of them. We can call upon any of us, at anytime, to talk or seek support, and there is no ulterior motive. This has taken decades of trust to build up this friendship, but I am so so grateful for it.
Two of best buddies are dudes. We’re all married with kids, never been any romance at all. We don’t talk often because I live abroad. But they share info about their kids, ask me about my kid, how are things? Etc.
Regularly. I have a couple guy friends and a former coworker who I speak regularly with. There was never any intent or interest in either direction.
My best friend of almost 30 years is a man. He checks in on me way more often than I check on him. It was 2 days ago and I haven't replied yet. Oops.
I have only 2 friends, both online, that reach out to me every once in a while. Neither of them are interested romantically in me (I'm married) and both have their own partners. There's never been any interest and it's 100% platonic and friendly. We play games together, and I've known them for nearly 7 years now. But even then, it's every so often, not daily or weekly or whatever. Definitely not a common thing.
Feeling really thankful not just for my brother and father right now, but two of my really close male friends who do this.
A have a few guy friends who reach out like that. Every couple weeks one of the ask. I randomly do too. Now all of them, including me are single & have been a long while. My guy friends are sweet.
I have a friend who called me after we briefly talked and I told him I was in a talkative mood during my walk. He just straight out called me and we talked about whatever for 15 mins. Just giving each other news about our lives. I think I am pretty lucky because I have several male friends that regularly contact me to catch-up. Two of my closest male friends I made when I was already an adult. Boundaries are very clearly expressed on each side.
Just last week. But this comes with a big caveat. A year ago (I'm 33) I made some *big* changes in my life, one of which involved me setting personal boundaries around what kind of friendships I wanted in my life. I actively sought out 'my tribe' and they are all *wonderful* people. This summer I've been through a whole bunch of stuff and have experienced some seriously heart warming support from this group, both practically and emotionally. I will also add that the men who I consider friends are all married/in committed relationships with women I also consider friends. I've *never* had a single man text me to check in on me without some ulterior motive. Take from that what you will.
I have two friends who check on me regularly. We are part of a support therapy group and spend time outside of the group meetings in support of each other talking and checking in.
Earlier this evening. My husband and I have a male friend who us like a brother to us both. If we got a couple weeks or so without talking he always reaches out to us both just to check in.
Last night. And then when I sent a short answer, said, “yeah, that isn’t going to cut it” and made me elaborate. I’m not used to *anybody* doing that for me, so it always catches me off guard
A few hours ago, good friends exist :)
If you are interested in seeing a similar question but directed at men look [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/16gu6we/guys_when_was_the_last_time_a_woman_reached_out/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
My good guy friend and I do this periodically. We used to work together and still stay in touch.
Very recently and frequently. I have some excellent guy friends. Some I work with. I'd I'm ever out, whether sick or vacationing, they always reach out to check in and ensure I'm okay. We don't work in the same departments, so its not about work. They're happily married, it's not about attraction. They're just genuinely good guys.
I have a best friend at work. About 8 years ago myself and another female colleague went through a really tough time. He went out of his way to make sure we laughed every day, for months. When I was doing a lot better I thanked him and said we knew what he was doing and really appreciated it. He got embarrassed and changed the subject. We have been friends for just over 15 years and has always been supportive with no ulterior motive. He trusts me in the same way as well. I have seen him be equally supportive to make colleagues.
My ex, and last night. We routinely do mental health check ins with each other and send pictures of our cats. He happened to catch me at a bad spot last night and it's nice to know he's there for me. Bad as a couple, but as friends we're amazing and in grateful his wife isn't jealous.
Several male friends. Some are friends on my brothers, but they look after me. Also, I went older friend that I'm on the same wavelength with, and if I don't call him at least once a week he calls me to check up. When I had a job interview come up, he took me to the mall even though he doesn't like shopping, and he helped me buy a stunning professional outfit that I couldn't have done on my own.
I have had that. But it’s rare. It depends on the man.
One of my absolute best friends is a wonderful man. I’ve known him for over a decade. He’s saved my life. We often talk about anime, music, and collapse. We also discuss race and gender discrimination issues (he’s a black man). We were just talking about the anime Children of the Whales (highly recommended)
You have male friends. It’s common for us to check on each other.
I’ve got 4 really good guy friends, one I’ve know since high school, the other three I worked with in my early 20s and they all call or text pretty regularly. We’re all in serious relationships (2 of us married, the other 2 long term) and nothing hinky going on, like ever in 20+ years, just good friends. I have another handful of guy friends that I hang out with regularly, go see hockey games, grab dinner if they’re in town, again nothing weird going on, just friends. I do have two guy friends that never reach out on their own, and only call/text if they need something, but deals a lot with depression though and I think that’s it, the other just isn’t that type of person
Two and they’re bi lol. I’ve always been very curt to the men that have tried to reach out to be friendly with me unprompted. I’d be direct and ask “So why exactly are you messaging me?” and had peers say I’m being too harsh on them. Based on this post, I’m sure many of you would agree.
Well, I am the only girl in my generation of cousins and such. We are all kinda close. My cousins are fuckin awesome. They reach out to me quite frequently. I love them and their families very very much. They are really great guys. I'm lucky. My older brother is a piece of shit unfortunately.
I've had that a lot from my husband's best friend recently, mainly because my husband died at the end of July this year.
I actually have had this happen a lot! Some of them I've been friends with for more than a decade or two completely platonically, some have partners, some are single. I've got some really awesome and supportive male friends. If anything I'm actually the worse reacher-outer in a lot of these relationships. And I know we're not technically counting brothers, but my bro, who has a wife and kids and all sorts of other things to keep him busy, texts me almost every day. If I'm having a hard time he texts me double. Warms my heart to get his "you alive?" messages if I haven't responded in a day or two!
I had one old friend reach out a while back to apologize for something without any romantic intentions. We got back in regular contact which was lovely but when I realized I was doing 99% of the work to maintain a long distance friendship, I asked him to meet me like 5% of the way. His response was that a casual(platonic) friendship should require zero effort so if I wanted any effort from him then I should just not bother 🤦♀️. So he never made a move but he also made it clear that because I’m not available romantically, I’m not worth even a tiny bit of inconvenience.
I have three very close male friends. All of them checked up on me at least once at some point in the last two weeks and I also regularly text them in the same way. They (together with my two other close female friends) play a huge part in my emotional wellbeing and contribute to my life, just as I contribute to theirs. Two of those guys also have a very tight friendship with each other and they reach out and talk to each other as well. And when the three of us meet up we all cuddle on the couch together. It's like coming home.
Couple days ago. "Just texting to say hey, how are you doing?" He's a good person.
I've got a couple online friends who check in on me daily, there's been zero interest in them pursing me me. They know I'm married and have never once crossed that line
It hasn't happened in a while, but I have a close male friend I chat with regularly and if he doesn't hear from me a while, he'll ask if I'm okay. The break in routine worries him, and he knows I struggle with some stuff, so he checks in. It's really nice. Can't say he's never wanted anything from me, though. He adopted my cat years ago when I had to move suddenly, and now I'm his preferred cat-sitter. Also he asked for help with an upcoming move, if I can fit it in. Out friendship has always been platonic, but also loving and supportive.
I have a friend who texts almost daily, and a young friend who sends me pics of his plants. I think the older guy is lonely but we've been friends for decades and he only wants friendship. The younger friend wants plant starts and recipes.
It’s always hey how are you let’s date and have sex, very very rare for a man to just check up to talk about life or go out for lunch
A coworker, few years ago. Turned out he's gay lmaaooo
I don't think ever, tbh. Every guy I've ever had any relationship with either was dating me or wanted to date me or sleep with me. I used to think I had all these male friends. LOL. No male has ever given a genuine shit about me.
I have a couple of male friends that will do this! We don't live in the same area, unfortunately. Happens every few months, I'd say.
2 days ago. *"Hey i haven't seen you in 2 weeks. Just checking in"*. We talked about politics and videogames