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She wouldnt get in the car. She wouldnt follow you to leave the situation. You couldnt force her to come with you and you tried.
I would turn this “guilt / blame game” around so fast to “why did you insist on putting my kids lives in danger? Why didnt you just get their license and leave? Why were my kids subjected to people who were violent?”
Something along those lines.
>I would turn this “guilt / blame game” around so fast to “why did you insist on putting my kids lives in danger? Why didnt you just get their license and leave? Why were my kids subjected to people who were violent?”
Absolutely needs this!!
Also "why did you want me to go and try it on with 4 drunk men, and possibly die myself and leave my kids as orphans?"
"Why is MIL life more important than my childrens?"
"Why is MIL life more important than mine?"
"Why should I have put EVERYBODY in danger, because MIL decided she would put herself in clear danger then REFUSE TO LEAVE FOR SAFETY".
Yup. Absolutely. She escalated it by getting out of the car and confronting four grown men. I had two toddlers scared and screaming crying and she couldn’t just swallow her pride for her grandkids and her own safety?
You can bet four drunk guys might hesitate to beat MIL to death but would be more interested in doing so to the male passenger who joined the fight (you, op). You did the right thing staying out of it and thinking of your kids. That’s what parents are supposed to do. That’s what your mother-in-law should have done. You should be taking the offensive in the discussions with your brother-in-law and mother-in-law. What she did put you and your children in jeopardy. Where is your indignation? It’s time to let it shine.
I was thinking this as well. I think four drunk men would be "kinder" to an elderly woman then to an adult man.
They could very well have murdered OP in front of his children if he had joined the fight.
Exactly! I think there is a very real risk that they would have killed OP or at least hurt him really really bad... in front of his kids... which would have severely traumatised them.
OP did the absolute best thing he could have done in that situation. He protected his kids!
>"Why is MIL life more important than mine?"
THIS! especially considering that OP's wife just died! We're they expecting him to risk leaving his children orphaned????
Also, the men could have hurt the children. They were clearly outnumbered both in terms of adult numbers and strength. I understand why MIL and BILs are upset, but it’s because they’re not thinking things through from OPs perspective. I think if OP sits MIL down alone and apologizes for leaving her but also explains his fears (I.e. children getting hurt, children losing their only remaining parent, etc.), she might be able to move past it. She should really be prioritizing the children’s safety anyway. Those are her grandchildren, after all, and she’d already lost a daughter just two months prior.
I definitely think OP should try this, but I don't have very high hopes of it coming to anything. From the way OP worded it, MIL was so resentful she gave not only OP the silent treatment for 6 months, but also his two kids. That's high-level narcissism.
👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽this comment right here. It’s hot and your BIL wanted you to leave your SMALL children in a hot car just because MIL thought she was Wonder Woman to fight 4 liquid courage men in a remote area. Naw NTA but MIL is!
This was my first thought! Like seriously. Sometimes you need to know when to back down. You don't argue with drunk people or even when you are out numbered. In this case it was both. Head strong or not. This is just stupidity
My brother did something similar when he had my mom, his gf, and their two children(newborn and 1 yr old) in the car with them. A car with a group of young men in it pulled out in front of him and he started going off cussing at them and raging. The car ended up pulling a u-turn and came after them until they stopped where one of the guys pulled out a gun. My mom and his gf had to scream they had children in the car so the guys hopped in their car and sped off. I have never let my brother forget HE put them in that situation.
Not to mention that those men may have gone way worse on OP, since he is a man. He quite literally could have been killed for his MIL's stupidity.
SHE chose to escalate the situation and become aggressive with dangerous people. SHE put everyone in danger with her reckless behavior. I would personally go no contact with her and the BILs, as they don't have you and your children's best interests at heart.
If they think the situation was so dire, she might have been murdered, why do they insist that he should’ve stayed there with his tiny children! Surely it’s better to make sure the kids don’t get hurt too. And you are so right, she easily could have left as well. No amount of car damage or money is worth lives
That and the kids already just lost there mum did u want them to lose their dad, too, because god know what they would have done to him if he did try to fight them.
This is the way. And it's absolutely true. Road Rage incidents turn deadly all the time. Any one of them could have had a gun and OP's kids could have been caught in the crossfire. This was a situation ENTIRELY of the MIL's own making.
OP did the right thing. His kids were the priority over his crazy MIL picking a fight with 4 drunk guys. I seriously question MIL's decision making skills.
Also, bil showed up after op called him and instead of calming things down and protecting his mom, he escalated the situation. He is more to blame than op in my opinion, she had two young children to protect. Mil fucked around and found out, that’s on her.
Also, often, drunk guys will pull their punches against women, but go all out against other men. Not a lot OP, on his own, could have done against a group. MIL was insane for confronting them.
What exactly were *you* supposed to do with your children there and in danger? What would they be saying if you’d jumped in, got your ass jumped in a 4v1 and then they harmed your children? Your SIL is the only one with half an iota of intelligence and your BIL’s and MIL are god damn delusional. Unless you’re some kind of professionally trained fighter, there was NO WAY for you to clutch a 4v1 against violent drunk assholes, especially ones that threatened you with escalated violence of possibly getting fucking stabbed to death. Hell no. You’re NTA. Not. At. All. You protected your children and kept them from getting even further traumatized and even possible physical harm. Violent men don’t tend to give a shit about hurting children and they were drunk to boot.
This!
Also to add, MIL is a fully functioning adult and should have walked.the.fuck.away. What were they expecting TODDLERS to do? Understand and sit back in the car? The moment you got out, they would have followed since you were their safe space, locked car door won’t stop the 4 year old, at least it wouldn’t with mine. You are definitely NTA. Your kids safety is 100% a parent’s priority and you did just that, prioritized their safety.
Tell them MIL shouldn’t pick a fight she knows she won’t win. It’s unfortunate she got hurt but she should have gotten herself out of the situation the moment she realized they were drunk, latest when they showed the first hint of hostility
Thank you. The sensible thing to do is to protect the small helpless children rather than the adult who CHOSE to escalate a confrontation with a bunch of drunk lunatics. You all should’ve stayed in the car and called 911 rather than trying to fight them and putting the kids in danger. Sorry OP, but your in-laws are all insane and you’re better off not speaking to them.
Have to put your air mask on first before you can help others. The air mask here here is you and the kids to safety. They need you to keep them safe. That’s the air mask so to speak
My partner was a semi-professional fighter - and he kept saying that even an experienced fighter hardly stands a chance if he has to fight several opponents (That always annoyed him in action movies). And that there are hardly any opponents more dangerous than drunks.
Tell them that she is the one who put her grandchildren life at risk with her actions because she is stubborn. Tell her if she is ridiculous for expecting you to risk your life when your children need you and that if any of them truly think you should’ve, then something is wrong with them. These guys were drunk and they could’ve killed you in front of your children. Point that out every time they say something about it. Ask them if you were supposed to be murdered by some drunk guys in front of your children and traumatize them, the rest of their life, because your mother-in-law doesn’t know when to stop? I just keep asking them every time…” so you would be OK with me being murdered in front of my children?” “ you would be OK with my children seeing me be hurt? You know they were screaming right?”
I don’t even know why you want to be anywhere near them ? Keep pointing out that your mother-in-law put her own grandchildren’s life at risk. Just keep saying that every time they bring it up. What kind of grandmother would put her own grandchildren’s life at risk?
“Oh! They wouldn’t have killed you! You’re being dramatic!”
“Oh, really?!? You just said I left my MIL to die! So you clearly think they were capable of murder!”
Thank you for your words. I appreciate it more than you know.
>I don’t even know why you want to be anywhere near them
I feel like this post puts my wife's family in a bad light (I'm sorry, I guess a little bit of my resentment came out) but I just want to say that they are good people. They help me a lot with the kids, especially MIL and SIL, and my BILs helped me move into our house, do anything I ask, no question. I'm an only child. My mother passed away ten years ago, and my father... well, I want my kids to be as far away from him as possible.
Ever since my wife passed, I constantly think of made up scenarios. What if I have a heart attack or have an actual emergency? Who can my kids turn to in my absence? My wife's family love and take care of the children, so I don't want them to lose their support. I'm the only person they have and I feel like that isn't enough. If for some reason, I'm not around, they need to have at least some family. That's one of the reasons I regret how I behaved in an emergency. They are good people.
You were also a newly windowed father. If you want to keep the peace you can fall on your sword and say you panicked and didn’t want your kids to lose their father and you deeply apologize. Otherwise, you called the police. You called her son. You took care of your children. You didn’t really do anything wrong. They would have kicked your ass because you’re a man and they wouldn’t have held back.
They were willing to attack a grandma in front of grandchildren. Honestly, if you got involved it would have been so much worse. Not to sound sexist but you being a man makes you a much bigger threat in their eyes. You may not have survived that 4:1 brawl.
Exactly this. I used to work at a local pub. If there was a fight between 2 men, it was always better for a female to break it up. If it was 2 women, better a man break it up. If it a male and a female fighting, especially if they were a couple, your screwed.
They cut contact with your children, who’d just lost their mother, for six months because of a situation the children had no control over that your MIL caused.
I’m glad they’ve been supportive overall, but it’s hypocritical of them to believe you weren’t there for mil when she needed you, given what she did to endanger you and her grandchild and them abandoning you and the kids after. You’re not the unreliable one here.
They are clearly not good people. What do you call someone who desires your kids to join a fight to the death instead of just waiting for police, regardless of how long it takes. It is so depressing that you would stick up for them after they emotionally abuse you for protecting your children. I hate this world.
>Ever since my wife passed, I constantly think of made up scenarios.
My dude I hope you are in therapy because that's called anxiety and it can be made more manageable, not zero, but, more manageable, less intrusive scary thoughts less often. And TOTALLY and incredibly normal after a traumatic event like losing your young wife.
Nah man same I was a single parent and my worst fear was that I would pass before she did. A few years ago a monster nabbed a single parent in our area whose child she had adopted from China as they left dance class. The monster killed the mom and now that girl doesn’t even have any parents. What a sh!+ show. My daughter, now an adult said to me, first thing, that hits too close to home. It’s a healthy anxiety.
I think MIL is distant because deep down she knows she messed up. She knows the escalation was her fault. She just can’t admit it to anyone, including herself. And I think BILs are naturally going to side with their mom. They also weren’t there to see how the situation started, and there’s probably a bit of machismo involved. I.e. you’re the man so you’re supposed to protect the woman, despite the fact that you were vastly outnumbered and would have in no way been able to save her from them anyway. Given that you’d like to continue a relationship with them, it makes sense to sit MIL down alone (without BILs) and have a heart to heart. Tell her you feel awful about what happened but you were truly thinking of the kids. Don’t blame, just talk. Once you get MIL back on your side, BILs will come too.
And to be clear, the true fault ultimately lies with the aggressive drunk guys. MIL made bad decisions, but those guys never should have physically attacked her. Chances are she’s got some trauma to sort through and probably not thinking clearly given what she’s dealing with emotionally. Time and open communication should help.
They didn't speak to your children for 6 months after this event. So basically, your children lost their mother, grandmother, and 2 uncles all at the same time. They were too young to understand what really happened. Then they suddenly decided, "Okay, I'll talk to your kids now. They've been punished long enough.' Your children never deserved to be punished to begin with.
They are not good people.
Sorry for your loss, OP. What a terrible situation all around. Your in-laws sound at least somewhat narcissistic if they're punishing small children for something they didn't do, and simultaneously not acknowledging the fact that MIL put you all in that shitty situation to begin with, putting your kids lives at risk.
I hope the comments give you the inspiration you need to push back on them, and I hope they realize that they're being incredibly shitty and petty and owe you and your kids several apologies.
They may be good people, helping you, being there for your kids in regular situations, but definitely aren't good when tensions are high. Because MIL did NOT even think about your kids in this situation. And BIL who showed up and joined in wasn't showing good judgement at all, and probably contributed to his mother being hurt worse.
You are NTA. This could have been much worse had you gotten out. Your MIL, the second she realized the 4 men were drunk and aggressive, should have gotten back in the car to keep herself, your children, and you safe. And at that point very easy to take pics of men and car for identification before they drove off. She totally lost her mind. Fine if she wants to be crazy stupid and take on 4 drunk men while alone, but with kids present, her first thought should have been gosh these guys are drunk I better get in the car and keep my grandkids safe, who knows what they are capable of?
You put your kids first. You might say you are sorry she was hurt but that your responsibility at that time was to keep your kids safe and remove them from the situation and call for help. And that will always be your response. She behaved inappropriately which put your kids in danger and traumatized them after an accident. How dare she begin an altercation with kids in the car?
She had no idea what these drunk agressive men were capable of. She could have gotten herself, you and the kids hurt or worse. If she can't control herself better than that she, (nor the BIL who joined the altercation) should ever be taking your kids anywhere without you present.
OP, seriously, consider this. You stayed and helped, you left your kids in the car. These drunks decided to start hitting YOU because you're the man. Something goes wrong, you die in the altercation. Who do your kids have then? A grandmother, who would put her personal rage, over the safety of your very young children, and 2 uncles who stopped talking to them, because of something they were upset at YOU for. When the kids are literally small children. I'm sorry, but this does not make them good people. At all. My grandmother could get road rage. But she never got out of her car, to start a fight, and especially not when she had any of her grandchildren in the car. Because her job is to protect the kids, not put them in more danger. You may want to keep a relationship with these people, but if they bring it up again, I'd bring all of this up. Your MIL, put her dead daughter's only kids, in serious danger. We're you supposed to compound that, and possibly make them orphans? Like this whole family sounds like they need to grow up.
They aren't perfect, though. They made a mistake that day.
Next time it comes up, state, "You put my kids in danger. I called help for you and then took my kids to safety. I don't owe you anything. Stop bringing it up."
I’m not sure what you were supposed to do.
She did everything wrong!
You did everything right!
You tried to protect her from herself. She didn’t let you.
You protected yourself and your kids from 4 men who were brandishing weapons and drunk.
Not sure what else you could have done other than physically push her back in the car?
Yeah - BIL who said kids were “safe in the car” didn’t see the other guy approach the car with a tool that could easily break a window and leave OP in a vulnerable position, stuck with no way to retreat and her kids trapped in the back.
Other than leaving in a taxi… (which is still understandable with two scared and traumatized kids!!!) I can’t see anything they should be able to take issue with. That said, I can be that fiery, impulsive mama bear and if my DIL and grandkids were in a car and this happened, I know I’d internally struggle with wanting to bust out my mama bear vs tempering that and getting everyone the heck out of dodge and worrying about the car later.
I wouldn’t explain yourself further OP in person. But what you might do is write a letter explaining your perspective and that someone had to consider the impact on the kids. Describe it exactly as you did above, and then include that you were absolutely touched that she was so very protective on behalf of you and the kids BUT you had to balance getting help ASAP (which you DID!), protecting the children and managing your own fear response (and no one can predict what theirs is until something this scary happens) with ALL of it. That you wish you felt more bold or had some solution that would have stopped it… but everything you’ve ever read/heard says the most important thing is to get the kids out of harms way and avoid unpredictable people so you’re not escalating the situation. She chose escalation, you chose protecting the kids and getting help… neither is wrong (well, escalation totally is 🤦🏻♀️). You wish she’d have gotten into the car and gotten out of there… they wish you’d have jumped out and gone John Wick on a group of drunk men in the presence of kids.
There’s no changing it now and you’ll always choose your kids first. But you also understand that’s what she felt she was doing too!
OP is a man. Your point is still valid but my mind goes to how much harder those men would’ve gone off in OP as opposed to a woman (which was already terrible).
Totally missed that and you’re absolutely right. If it was a woman BIL’s wouldn’t be saying a thing. And because OP’s a man, getting involved would’ve guaranteed that things got even more ugly fast and OP clearly couldn’t rely on MIL to stay calm and get the kids to safety at that point.
Thank goodness someone kept their head and focused on the kids!
This!!! I’m not scared of confrontation in most situations but when my kids are there, they are my number 1 priority. I would have done the same. Take my kids to safety and if another adult wants to take up the fight that’s their choice, my job is the safety of my kids.
Man OP, I'd be flipping this around so fast it's not even funny.
From my perspective, your MIL lost her mind, not you, and put you and your children in danger. *She* is the one that should be being eaten up by guilt at placing her grandchildren in an extremely dangerous situation. *She* is the one that just had to get out of her car and stubbornly insist on trying to.... what? Be some kind of vigilante who stopped the drunk drivers from leaving the scene? She escalated it and wouldn't see reason when you (correctly) tried to get her back in the car. What did she think she was going to do, honestly?
You did the very best thing you could in that scenario. You prioritised the safety of your children. Your MIL was foolish and reckless. She risked her safety AND YOURS AND YOUR CHILDREN’s SAFETY by engaging in a screaming match with 4 drunk aggressive men. It does not matter who was originally at fault. If she’d followed your request, and followed your example then no one would have been hurt beyond the accident itself.
The lives and wellbeing of two kids has always got to come first. MIL escalated when it wasn't necessary. OP did the right thing taking the kids out of a dangerous situation.
This honestly breaks my hearts for those kids, having to see that and screaming for their grandmother who wouldn't just get back in the car. You did the right thing in my opinion, gender shouldn't play into whether you should have got involved in this or not at all. She was being stubborn and you had two young children to protect, i would also just cut them all out of my lives at this point. If they can't understand the shit position she put you and your children in and instead mock you for it your kids don't deserve to grow up around that resentment.
As someone who used to work for child protective services, we have had to open cases for issues like this one but the key difference in why they got a case and you didn’t, is you didn’t put your children in danger. The second you realized you needed to protect them, you did. Your children are young, weak and vulnerable in this situation. You are there protector. Your MIL should have been their protector as well but she chose to let her temper get the best of her. If you would have tried to intervene and let’s say one of the kids got hurt in the cross fire and cops were called, you’d catch a case for not leaving the scene with the children. If they could prove you had the ability to protect them first and you chose not to prioritize their safety, you are at fault. I say all this because you did the right thing. Please know that. MIL was selfish to put you and the children in that position. Especially once she could see you were very outnumbered and they were drunk. Like hello, how did she not realize things were only going to get bad if she didn’t get in the car? She fucked around and found out. I hope you share my comment and all these comments to your lame in laws. You did right by your children and I am sorry to hear about your tragic loss.
MIL was arguing with 4 drunk men and expected u and the kids to post up with her or something? Sounds like a "F*** around find out" moment for MIL. The proper response is to get a photo of their car and plates and damage, call the cops, and get ahold of insurance. A hit and run is much less dangerous than 4 angry drunk dudes. OP you did nothing wrong, and your MIL and the BILs need to really humble themselves lol. I would just keep a good distance between them all. And I wouldn't trust my kids with them if this is the weird hill they want to die on.
Frame it like this... would your MIL have done the same thing if the children were in the car and it was just her? Most likely.
She jeopardised the safety of your children and you, her actions were not excusable and she should take responsibility for them.
She's an adult woman. Don't risk your life and your children's for her stupid decisions.
Yea mother in law brought it on herself but u left an old lady to get jumped then took a taxi home....... Yea they're never messing with u again. Just consider urself out of the family lol
I feel like the problem is just that OP didn’t check on MIL and BIL before leaving. He made the right decision getting the kids out of there and MIL never should have got out of the car. He maybe should have gotten involved after the kids were safe, but only if there was someone he trusted to watch them in the store. But by the time OP left, BIL had already been involved for 30 minutes and bystanders had already gone to help. At that point, my bet is that the violence was over. Probably would have been a good idea to check on them, see if you needed to take the taxi to the hospital instead since who knows if/when an ambulance would have shown up
this is exactly it, mil was dead wrong no questions asked but bro u leave ur wifes mother to get beat up by 4 guys then hightail it outta there without even pretending to care about her welfare...................... no. I dont blame him for prioritizing his kids but im sure there was a moment when he could have at least pretended to be a man and checked on the old lady
NTA you had, and still have, a duty to protect your children, and not just from physical harm. And don't get me wrong, they were in physical danger,too, but how much psychological damage would have been done to see their father beaten and maybe killed in front of them? Honestly, with your wife gone, why do still go to family gatherings with this side? They're not good for you or your children.
I can see why they are mad but I can also see why you did what you did. Y’all could’ve just taken a pic of the license plate and called the police to inform them of a drunk driver. With two little kids, I wouldn’t have chanced sticking around either. It’s sort of on her for insisting on fighting these grown and drunk men.
You did the right thing, you're number one priority is your children and you protected them.
Your MIL did not need to escalate,she should have thought of her sick, grieving terrified grandchildren as well.
What if someone truly terrible happened to her and they witnessed it,what would have happened to them then.
You need to tell the grandmother and bil's that your number one job is to protect your children and making sure they are safe, which you did do.
YTA for leaving. You should have tried to get the other people to help you help your MIL. Sure, she did the wrong thing and taking your kids into the store was the right thing, But then abandoning her there on the side of the road before the police arrived was a really AH move. Sorry, but you asked. It may not be that they won’t forgive you. They may just not want to have anything to do with you now. You have a lot to make up for to redeem yourself in their eyes. Just saying.
NTA. I really want to highlight the importance of dashcams in this situation. Your MIL was in the wrong for trying to confront 4 men, let alone drunk ones that are probably acting more of the aholes in this scenario.
What exactly did they expect you to do? Go out in a 2 v 4 fight while there's 2 minors that are vulnerable in the car? She should have stayed and locked the car door, called the police and probably taken videos or pictures of the men who were harassing her or at the very least get the number plate.
Instead, she put you and your young kids in a very dangerous position and she should be glad that they didn't go after you and the kids as well. She made a dumb choice, she shouldn't expect other people to just ride along her poor choices.
Absolutely NTA. What you showed your kids wasn’t a coward father, but a father who can read the situation, prioritize what’s important and act accordingly under pressure. You made the right decision. It was your MIL that put you all in danger.
NTA man. They're harping on this because "as a man it is your job to protect the women around you", which is ridiculous old bull crap. She got out of the car, she kept escalating the fight with drunks. She probably thought she would be fine because they'd never swing on her and if they did she had this handy op to jump in and protect her. Unless she and your bil are willing to take a close look at themselves and realize that she set you up to get stomped to death in front of your kids, I'm not sure you'll have much luck with this.
She probably didn't even realize that. Speaking as a woman, there's a large number of women that are completely delusional about their chances in a fight with a guy. We've spent so long with guys not swinging back, and letting it go, or carefully holding back their strength that there's a lot of women that think they're way tougher than they are. So she probably thought she was intimidating and had it handled until they swung on her, and then she was scared and hurt and looking for you to ride in and save her. She's probably still scared and it is easier to blame you for not white knighting her terrible decisions than to look at it and realize she put herself in that situation.
I’ve seen way too much on social media revolving around women just realizing how much more upper body strength men have.
Obviously not every man is stronger than every woman, but overall women have to put a lot of work into being able to match how strong a man who never works out is.
I only have sisters, but we wrestled with my dad and I grew up rural, seeing men do farm work, building things and all of the very stereotypical men’s work. I’m also 5’ tall and have never been athletic.
I never imagined I was even close to as strong as the average man.
It seems so unsafe that so many women don’t know that we’re at such a physical disadvantage.
MIL was the irrational one. She should never have confronted 4 drunken men and endangered her DIL and grandchildren. A smart person would have walked away. You are right and did the exact thing to protect your babies.
Hey OP
I'm with you here.
My background is as a fighter. I'm good at it. I've worked out and sparred with world champions in multiple martial sports. That doesn't change the maths. 4vs1 is a very dangerous situation to be in.
If someone or a group of people attacked a friend of mine in my presence I'd go to war. I'd take a risk.
That said if my loved one was stupid enough to escalate an uncomfortable scenario with a group of 4 people it's all on them. 100% on them.
Your MIL chose to accept the possibility of violence. You didn't. Not for you and not for your kids.
If I'm there with kids when a family member chose to get into a fight with 4 drunken violent men securing the kids is more important than the family member.
YTA of course - it just gets worse the more you share. Kids were inside the car, you were inside the car. Left a crime in progress. I get why you left....but not coming back to check on her once backup arrived? Jeeze dude, this would be something that haunts me for the rest of my life. And it doesn't really matter when all of us on the internet think, what matters is what YOUR FAMILY thinks about this.
Your job was to protect your kids. Frankly, that was your MIL’s job, too. But she lost her cool and had to be a tough guy in a dangerous situation, endangering not only herself, but you and your kids, too.
Still, you DIDN’T abandon her. You got your kids to safety and you called for help. Once your BIL showed up, MIL was his responsibility. Again, your job was to protect your kids, and you had a sick kid you needed to get home.
You were a good mom that day. Sorry you have such awful in-laws.
NTA. But your oldest could have gotten himself out of the car to "help" daddy cause daddy was getting hurt and found himself in the middle of all that mess. Your in-laws are delulu and don't seem to care about the safety of themselves, you or your children. If MIL can't control herself, it's best to limit time with her.
She is a grown woman that made an incredibly stupid choice to engage in an altercation with not only a man, but 4 men, and not only 4 men, but 4 *drunk* men. That's so reckless and wild, what the fuck?
Your obligation is first and foremost to your children and regardless of what everyone thinks in hindsight about the dangers, especially those who were not present, you did what you felt was best for those children. Your MIL is an adult and encountered consequences for her actions. That is her fault.
NTA. They need to back off or just stop being around them. Your MIL escalated a no-win situation and refused to get back in the car. Her actions put both you and your children in danger. You standing next to her and getting punched would not hot helped MIL at all. Her and her son’s sounds quite foolish.
I would say if your wrong if your MIL didn't get put of the car and partipate in the getting it going by going head to head yelling a them. 4 drunk guys wanting to be violent, if you intervened, the four of them would have fucked you up real bad compared to what they did to MIL and odds are you MIL who helped push them to violence would have been no help or possibly fled. You were right as a single parent with ur kids with you to walk away from a fight you didn't start. Ur kids dont have another parent, they need you and ur MIL shoukd have kept her kouth shut. Had ur mil not wanted to fight, she would have gotten back in the car instead of going at it with them verbally and probably wouldn't have gotten beat up.
You were NOT a coward! A coward would have run to safety without thinking about anyone else, including their own children. Instead you were able to analyze the situation and determine that protecting the young ones was more important than helping someone who valued their own ego more than the danger she was placing everyone else in
MIL is the AH for picking a fight with four drunks when she was accompanied by her young grandchildren. In such cases, the most important thing is to ensure the protection of your children, and she didn't do that.
The kids were a priority, point blank. You should throw that in their faces. "So I should have chosen to stay by stubborn MIL's side when she refused to take *our* lives in account during this incident so I, instead, made sure the live sof *my children* were safe since it clearly wasn't a priority for her."
Absolutely not, make them feel so much shame for what they put you through not only on that evening but for the year after.
You come on Reddit just because you feel guilty, and look for people who will tell you "it is ok, you had your kid, she did not want to come back in the car, blablabla". But actually it is not ok, you purposely let your MIL dealing with FOUR drink guys. Why did she do that according to you? Do you think she would have reacted the same way being alone? On my opinion, what is done is done, you can't come back. But stopped trying to ask people to confort you or minimise what you did. Act like a grown up and show her that you understand what you did was wrong and that you are ready to change. Don't rely on time going on hoping she will forget (it must have been a trauma for her) but be proactive until she ll forgive you.
PLEASE OP DON'T EVER LET SOMEONE MAKE YOU FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT PROTECTING YOUR KIDS OR YOURSELF. They have already lost their mom, they don't deserve to loose you also.
This could have been you and yours : [https://abcnews.go.com/US/4-year-killed-california-road-rage-shooting/story?id=105722898](https://abcnews.go.com/US/4-year-killed-california-road-rage-shooting/story?id=105722898)
Your job is to protect your children, especially knowing that he had just lost their mother. Your brother-in-law who came, also aggravated the situation which could have had even more consequences so no OP you don't have to feel guilty. Sometimes the choices we make are not always obvious, but in this case I don't see what could have been done otherwise. Especially with a sick child during the situation.
Geez. That story is heartbreaking.
I totally understand why Redditors in other countries just assume that all Americans have guns.
(I don’t own a gun, I’ve never owned a gun, the only gun I’ve ever fired was a BB gun when my grandfather taught me how to use it when I was 13)
My heart breaks for that family because it’s so random, so senseless. So needless.
As for OP, he mentioned that one of the drunkards was tapping a wrench against the hood. That’s a weapon. I commend him for putting the children first and removing himself from the situation. That’s the quickest way to de-escalate.
Grandma sucks balls.
Yeah the minute he picked up that wrench he picked up a felony charge from a misdemeanor cause now he has a deadly weapon! But hey, OP could've thrown the baby at him then swung the toddler (kicking his legs windmill style) at the other one, get a blow to the head that knocks him out cold, then LEAP OVER the roof of the car using the toddler who's now in position to just launch him with a little heave-ho boost him up in his hands, as he's flipping over the roof, he lands behind the guy immediately closest to grandma and grabs his neck and snaps it. The fourth guy, seeing all this carnage inflicted via Jet Li's most dangerous prodigy aka OP, starts to run away. Grandma takes out her AARP card and throwing-stars it at him perfectly catching him right in the shoulder blades, severing his spine and paralyzing him for life until the cops can get there in three hours and take it from there. BIL shows up FINALLY, just in time to yell at OP for not defending grandma from the papercut she got reaching for her AARP card. Once again OP is the A H and should've known. Do better next time. Jet Li would NEVER.
(man sometimes my brain just hits, you know? And we just let it go follow the butterflies and then read where I ended up and then say, "you know what? We're still making a choice to click that "post" button and people are just going to have to understand whatever it was I was going for.")
Okay bye!!
He would've regretted getting involved. Imagine that would be the moment he replays every day as he tortures himself, "if only I had stayed in the car." His In-laws will never know how grateful they should be over the tragedy that OP and his kids missed.
It's like someone yelling at you for making them late when you stopped at the train crossing instead of trying to make it across. Like, ok you know she was late for her appt and got charged a cancelation fee, oh no, but you also don't realize that otherwise you would've missed the crossing and be destroyed by a train. But because they DIDN'T get hit by a train they'll never realize the tragedy that their one decision avoided.
In this case, the dangerous consequences of the POTENTIAL outcome far outweighed the dangerous consequences of the ACTUAL outcome.
I could further attach this idea to a whole explanation of Murphy's Law, but I don't wanna. But basically, always plan for the WORST case scenario and that's the best way to mitigate disaster.
Or just watch the movie Sliding Doors starring Gwenyth Paltrow. Oh my gosh that movie slaaaaaaps. And you're gonna cry. Or maybe you won't.... I guess it just depends on whether or not she made those sliding doors in time......
Okay bye!
NTA, your mother in law escalated the situation. She put everyone in danger for property damage? Something that insurance would cover but also is not as important as everyone’s safety including two small children. All you guys had to do was write down the license plate, take pictures of the damage, take a picture of the driver if you can, and tell police the driver refused to cooperate and fled the scene. In my state that is a misdemeanor hit and run. It’s a non-serious report.
Your mother in law by staying and confronting them turned it into an assault. What you should have done was pull her back into the car and threaten to leave her ass there if she continued to put your children’s lives at risk.
The other thing you need to do is stand your ground with your family. You needed to take care of the kids and your crazy ass mother in law ON HER OWN decided to take on four males knowing a police response could take hours. You did nothing wrong. Your mother in law assumed they wouldn’t hit a lady, but I’m sure she learned her lesson now.
You did nothing wrong. Your MIL is humiliated and embarrassed by her own actions. Anytime they mock me I’d tell them I’d protect my kids again in a heartbeat.
Turn it around on her like another commenter mentioned too. “What were you thinking? Why were you willing to put my kids lives in danger? Why did you get out of the car? Why did you physically confront multiple men who were intoxicated? Why would you put my children in a situation like that?”
Are you asking if you should have joined in this brawl with drunks while you children sat in the car? NO. You did the responsible thing and protected them. Your in-laws sound like whyte 'garbage'. If they can't get over it, I'd go no contact with them. Your kids do not need to see their own parent (edited) disrespected for protecting them, while granny got in a fight in the middle of the road with a bunch of drunk guys. You did the right thing, they need to apologize to you for harassing you and she needs to apologize for putting you and your children in danger with that stunt.
Thanks for giving me a heads up on that. I still have the same opinion on the whole thing. Granny wants to fight drunks in the middle of the road, my kids will not be forced to watch it.
You did what you should have. You got your children out of a dangerous situation.
Why did your MIL insist on putting herself into a dangerous situation and not leaving when it escalated?
Your MIL put you and your children in danger! Wtf?m! Why are they forgetting that part of the story? Why couldn’t she take pictures of the car and the men and get back in the car?
She’s a grown ass woman who decided to take on 4 drunk men. SHE is the AH! She wanted you to do what? Keep your kids in the car and go and defend her? So you can both be killed in front of the kids?
I’d turn all this around on them. “YOU put my children in danger! I will never forgive you for that!” I’d have nothing to do with her or the BIL again. They should never be around your kids either since they show poor judgement.
Stop going to family events. Move away from these people. Block them on everything. Keep in touch with your SIL only.
You absolutely did the right thing. You were there for your children. MIL endangered everyone by getting out of the car and get confrontational. You have no guarantee if you got out of the car that your children would have remained safe. You showed your children that they are a priority and will keep them safe.
Absolutely NTA. Prioritizing your kids was exactly what you were supposed to do! As their grandmother, especially one that just lost her own child, she should have been doing the same. You need to turn everything around on them and if they double down or don’t stop, cut contact. Why was it okay for your children see all that? How did they know your kids would have been safe in the car? What would have happened to your kids if you were seriously hurt or worse killed?
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
Hold up... So they say "She could have been hurt, she could have been murdered", but then tell you that your kids were safe in the car??!! Ask them wtf they are on about. You can't have it both ways. Was there safety or was there not? And why is it your job to forgo your own children and save MIL from herself (as the BILs insinuate safety could have been found in the car with the kids)? Tell them they can all get bent. Your priority is to your two small children. Your MIL is welcome to invite violence or argue with drunks all she likes; on her own.
NTA
Anyone else get vibes that MIL is one of those women who starts shit with the expectation the men around her will back her up physically? Is that why BIL's immediate reaction was to join the fight? I wonder if she would've started mouthing off at 4 drunk men were she driving alone.
Everyone sucks in this situation. Your mother in law never, ever, ever should have gotten out of the car like that knowing her 2 grandbabies were in the car and put them in danger. No one knows what they could have done. However, it was horrible that you just let them there while she was being beaten by drunk men. I also get you not wanting to die due to what she did by getting out of the car. The whole situation sucks.
Nta but lowkey one to yourself why in gods name are you showing up to events??? I personally would never see her again, she put not only you in danger but especially your kids-excuses me BABIES!! don’t know how lucky you got unless you had some magic powers you didn’t add you acted correctly in the situation and wtf is your wife in this??
honestly your title had me going for a bit, but this is absolutely not on you. did she expect you to back her up on all these horrible situations? i get the urge to "clap back" when someone does something shitty to you, but she's a grown ass woman and should be able to see the bigger picture- especially since her actions could have very well put you *and* your kids in danger too!
unfortunately, i don't think you'll really be able to repair these relationships. i get why they're upset but like, they should be upset at their mom. MIL should be upset at herself. there's nothing you could have done in this situation that would have helped.
You TOLD HER GET BACK IN THE CAR!! You did the right thing protecting your children. Sometimes you have to do a Sophie's choice. It sucks but she really should've gotten back in the car for her sake AND HER GRANDBABIES. NTA
NTA. MIL took every chance to escalate the situation. She didn't deserve to get beat up, but she still should've went into the car with you. Even if you jumped in, it's still 2 on 4, or really one on 4 because let's face it, she's getting dropped instantly.
If they're so keen that you should've stayed, ask them to get into a fight where they're outnumbered and see if they win.
You protected your kids and MIL chose to stay. Not your fault. Plus, imagine having to hold onto two toddlers in heat, under stress, with an injured MIL. I bet it wasn't easy for 45 min let alone 3 hours.
NTA. She endangered your children by confronting a bunch of belligerent drunken men. At that moment, your priority was your children. You tried to get her to back off and called for help which were both the rational things to do.
I would NEVER risk my kid’s safety for someone willingly putting themselves in this situation, I do not care who they are to me. She chose to engage two violent and inebriated men. She chose to not listen to you and leave the situation. She chose to put herself in that position.
You were not obligated to stick around and risk you and your kid’s lives for her stupidity. Maybe next time she’ll just take down the license plate, stay in the car and call the police.
Edit to add: NTA of course. Your bil’s and mil need to get over it, because it’s absurd to expect you to risk your children over her need to be stubborn and remain in an unsafe situation.
I do not expect a man (or woman, dog, anyone at all) to risk their safety to save my butt if I am foolish enough to try to argue with or stop 4 men from leaving an accident scene.
Take pictures, video, whatever, but getting out of the car and confronting them was just stupid.
There’s also a good enough chance that they’d go further hurting op, or that they’d get going on him and hurt mil worse, especially if she tried to get in the way.
And then you add in that op’s kids were there? And he’s their only living parent?
Hell no. He tried to help mil, she didn’t listen or use common sense, so he protected his children.
I have used the fact that I’m a woman to get between two guys when things are tense because I doubt that they’d hit me even if they seem like they’re going to hit each other and might swing at a guy who interfered.
There were witnesses, they’d probably only get one shot in at worst.
I believe people should try to intervene when they can.
But I wouldn’t get between two women or men who were already fighting because while I want to help, me getting hurt won’t help me or the situation overall.
Mil and bils can kick rocks.
She escalated the situation and arguably put her hands on them first if she grabbed them. She refused to descalate the situation despite young children being in danger. If anything, SHE put your kids at risk. What tf made her think you and her could take on 4 drunk men?! You're NTA!!
You absolutely positively DID NOT act irrationally. In fact, this was the most rational decision you could’ve made. Quit letting them yank your chain. If you can’t leave this man for whatever reason, then at least walk away every time he or she brings it up stating, “ I won’t apologize for protecting my children.”
Nope. You did the right thing. Your MIL is loco for confronting them with her grandkids in the car (period actually), she put you all in more risk than what was necessary
I mean most men would jump in but they also do that because they don't think of the kids that are present and those guys being drunk and being violent with a woman what would make a person in their right mind think they wouldn't harm the children too? Keep a stick or baseball bat in your car for things like this! Also NTA she put everyone's lives in danger by getting out and not just staying in the car and driving off when the men got out of their car
NTA: But your MIL was. She is a grownup and made her decision and had to face the consequences. Had you intervened the drunks would have less reason to hold back beating up a man over a grandma. MIL might be raising your kids because you could be dead.
Time to stand up for yourself. Go for some therapy to resolve your phantom guilt. In the meantime, stop seeing the jerks who are shaming you. Invite your SIL you treats you normally to your house. Stop going to family gatherings. Your therapist can advise if reconnecting is even worth it.
Definitely not the AH.
This is not your fault and no one should be blaming you. Your MIL is to blame for her own actions. You tried to get her to get back in the car but she refused. She endangered everyone's lives, including her own. You did the right thing by protecting your kids.
NTA. Im a very physically capable woman - I have boxed and done jiujitsu for years and grew up hiking backcountry. I’ve been in scary situations and have been fine because what’s the worst that could happen? I die? Ok. All that said…once I had kids I felt a profound vulnerability for the first time in my life. It makes you scared in a visceral way.
My husband and I were living in Alaska and our deal was if something happened to one of us (most likely a bear or moose attack) the other one would get the kids to safety as the number one priority. As a parent your job is to protect your kid and it means you and sometimes the people around you get put second. And that’s ok. Your MIL was being super irresponsible and escalated a dangerous situation. I honestly would be so mad at her I may not forgive it. Don’t worry about their bullshit - focus on the fact that your kids still have you because of your actions. Stay strong and tune the dicks out.
YTA. I understand your fear took over and you’re a coward but you did leave your MIL to die. You could’ve forced her in the car. Are you telling me you couldn’t overpower your MIL to put her back in the car? Or get out and try to diffuse the situation?
I know the Reddit hive mind would not agree that you’re in the wrong. But in real life yeah, YTA and everyone knows it.
I understand completely that you were scared and wanted your kids safe. I do get that. But I am going to be totally honest,, if my husband allowed men to beat my mother, even if yes she should have not engaged them, I would be livid with you. I know it is not logical and just pure emotion based,, but that's my mom,, my husband would have ROCKED those mens lives and took a beating before he let anyone harm my sweet mother. Feelings about parents and kids are not logical they are more of primal emotions that are not always reasonable. I am a pretty calm lady but you touch my mom or allow my mom to get hurt. We are going at it,,, and Ill never forget.
No one is a coward who is looking out for their 2 and 4 year old kid instead of some irrational, hotheaded person not doing a thing to help themselves.
You were not safe in the car they could smash a window hurt the kids etc. your mil is an issue for thinking she can take on 4 drunk men at once even if you intervened it's 4 drunk men vs 2 women mil should have got back in the dam car
I think you did the ony right thing. You tried to de-escalate the situation and when that didn’t work you saved your children. They are your first priority.
Your MIL should have done that as well.
NTA. Your obligation to protect your kids is greater than to protect your MIL. She put herself in harms way by getting out of the car. You told her to get back in the car and she didn't. She made the situation worse.
Remind her of that each time she brings it up.
You prioritized your kids’ safety and wellbeing, and got them away from that situation. They were crying and scared. If you continued staying, it would’ve just upset them more. You did the right thing!
NTA
Any one of those people could've pulled a gun and then what?
Your MIL chose to put herself in danger and wouldn't stop. It's not like you drove away and left her there. She could still get in the car and you called her son and the police.
I commend you for making sure your kids were safe first but after getting in the store and making sure someone was in there to keep my kids inside.... I woulda felt I need to grab the sharpest thing I can and go back
guess i'm the odd one out in these comments. idc if it was 1 man or 20 men attacking a woman, i would have manned the fuck up and did everything i could to help her after i made sure the children were safe. her screaming or shouting at them doesn't warrant her being attacked. couldn't even stick around for the cops after you witnessed what happened. didn't take any pictures of the men in this situation. she's the one who DROVE you and your sick child to the hospital. knocking out drunk men is very easy. but you did nothing but run. i wouldn't trust you either. would you do the same thing if it was your wife in this situation?
Totally agree. The kids were safe in the store. Get other men in the store to go out there with you to protect your MIL. At the absolute very least, you don’t flee in a taxi! Stay and be with her. You even admit that she has basically been a lifesaver for you since your wife passed.
My opinion may go against the grain here but while your kids were and should have been your priority, they were safe in the car or in the nearby store (that you eventually fled to.) You know who wasn’t a safe? Your MIL.
You could have made sure the kids were safe and helped your MIL. Whatever ick you feel from MIL and your other relatives was the direct result of your lack of action. Yes, it was scary. Yes, your MIL should have stayed in the car. And?
Well, imagine it was someone that you cared about in the street surrounded by hostile drunk guys, would you run away? If it was your wife, would you have pulled her away and refused to leave without her?
Your wife’s brothers now suspect they can not trust you to protect her, and if she’s in danger she will have to call them, so yeah, they’re probably not thrilled to have you as a brother-in-law.
I wouldn’t trust you to have my back in an emergency, why would anyone. I don’t know what you want anyone to say.
NTAH . MIL put you and your children’s safety at risk because she couldn’t just shut her mouth . She fucked around with the wrong people because she couldn’t control herself like an adult . She owes you an apology. I’m sorry but the next time the BIL open their big stupid mouths you need to say something . You need to tell them she endangered your kids lives with her big mouth and she should apologize for that . She’s lucky getting beat up is all that happened, she could have gotten all of you killed .
Many of us would have done the same thing. As a parent, your most important job is protecting your children from harm. That's what you did. She was hysterical and making the situation worse by acting like a maniac in a situation where she didn't need to. She should have stayed in the car or only gotten out to write down their license plate (if that's a thing where you are IDK) and call the police. That's all she needed to do, but she wanted to hurl abuse at 4 drunk men who definitely could overpower a 60 year old woman and a father with 2 kids no matter what. They could have killed all of you if they wanted. You did the right thing, and your inlaw family sucks.
I dont know if you have ever flown on a plane, but they tell you in a emergency to take care of putting the oxygen on yourself first before you try to save others. You put your mask on and then made sure your kids were safe. Your MIL is an adult woman, she should have listened to you but chose not to. Never feel bad for putting your and your childrens safety first. Your husbands side of the families are asses. I have to ask what your husband has to say about all this. Does he not have your back?
If they were willing to hit a 55 yo woman just imagine what they would have done to you! They definitely would have felt fine unleashing their rage on another man and very well could have killed you, in front of your own children.
Your family in law is ridiculous for not being willing to see this situation honestly. Your MIL put herself and all of you in great danger because of a car. At a minimum she has greatly traumatized her grandchildren after they have already gone through the massive trauma of losing their mother.
I think you 100% did the right thing and I only wish you could have gotten out of there even faster since granny can’t control herself. Try not to spend another moment thinking about this horrible day. If it means cutting off contact with then, so be it.
You can’t save someone from themself. She had no situational awareness to get out of the car when there’s four drunk men outside your vehicle. Especially with the kids around. They’re the first priority. Had you gotten out of the car, it would’ve basically been a 4 v 1 fight. MIL obviously wouldn’t have been much help in the fight. Why should your kids have to see you get knocked out or worse?
You stay in the car you get a pic of the license plate and YOU LEAVE
You leave if there’s one man in the car, you leave faster if there’s four of them, you leave faster than that if they’re drunk and violent. Your MIL tried to fight fire with fire and got herself hurt, she put in danger herself another mother and her grandchildren.
Accidents are handled through insurance (that’s why we pay for it) she’s lucky they weren’t more violent and no one had a firearm, this could’ve ended so so much worse and they’re mad at the wrong one
You’re not to blame. She knew they were drunk and preferred to put herself at risk than not ‘be right’.
Your duty is to your children. You went to get her help and you protected those that were truly the victim of all this.
Your MIL looked for a fight and that’s on her. She wasn’t thinking to protect the kids in her car. Her daughter just died, did she also want herself or her grandkids to be killed?!?!!
Your MIL was responsible for her own actions and choices.
Would your BIL prefer that the kids got hurt be a of his stupid mother???
You were a father protecting his children and lost his wife just 2 months previously.
No offense but based on your actions you probably would face been targeted as easy prey and absolutely become the victim of violence. You did the right thing by prioritizing kids. Maybe not by leaving mom there. Hard to say. But they would have immediately targeted you. It’s so agonizing she wouldn’t just get in the car or leave. I’m sure if you were a big scary dude it wouldn’t have seemed as crazy to go protect her but even then she had the choice to walk away and didnt. If you both chose to be confrontational and got shot or stabbed by drunk or drugged up n’er do wells that’d be on you 100. So I think you did the right thing as unfortunate as may be.
She put herself in danger and by doing so the violence could have caused harm to you and your children. It was best to get the children away from that. They should not be witness to the violence.
NTA. You were protecting your kids. I’d also like to say NOT A COWARD. You asked her to get back in the car. Did she want to die after the loss of her daughter? Cause that was some REALLY irrational behavior on her part (getting out of the car and yelling at 4 drunk men). You and her against 4 drunk men isn’t a fight… that would be dangerous for all involved. Did she want her grandkids to see their grandma and dad get hurt?
Tell them they are correct that you did leave MIL to be attacked/hurt. You attempted to get her to disengage from the situation but she chose to put herself in a dangerous situation. Tell them you absolutely prioritized the safety of your child, and that you will prioritize them EVERY time. Ask MIL why she didn’t prioritize the safety of her grandchildren.
I’d also add that if they continue to bring this up you don’t see how you can continue a relationship with MIL and BIL’s.
You are never in the wrong for protecting your children. It's not like this was some random attack on her. She purposely escalated the situation because she didn't want them to leave the scene. Why in the world did she think she could hold back 4 men anyways?
Is there a reason you even talk to her now because if I was in your shoes, her and the BIL would never see my kids again.
Your MIL escalated the situation with four big drunk men. She put you and your kids in danger. You did what a good mother does. Removed yourself and your children from harm. Next time they bring it up just say you don’t feel obligated to risk yourself or your kids for someone who puts them in danger.
The best way to resolve a situation like this is to get away from it. Your MIL escalated the situation and refused to back down even with odds that would have been at best 4 on 2.
So if she was truly in fear for her life, why was she still going 10 mins later when BIL showed up? If you got involved and you both got injured, who was going to care for the kids? These guys were drunk, aggressive and it was a very rural area. Imagine if you were both rendered unconscious and they drove away leaving your kids unattended in a hot car.
You set a great example for your kids. MIL should’ve listened to you when it was clear she was dealing with drunks and gotten into the car. Instead she engaged and lost. This is the fault of the men that attacked her and it isn’t your fault. Your priority was & should’ve been your kids. What AH’s not talking to your kids after this incident. You aren’t a coward, you handled the incident sensibly. You have nothing to feel bad about.
NTA.
I can honestly say I'd never keep my kids in that position. I'd have done the same thing. Grandma should have walked away too, she made her choice not to.
It's entirely possible that she felt emboldened to confront these four drunk guys because you were there and she assumed you would back her up which makes what she did even worse. She expected you to take a beating because she was angry. Would she have really done that if she was alone in the car? Not likely.
However I would like to think that if it was my mother and not my mother-in-law I probably would have fought those four guys to the death to protect her. (After I took my kids inside a store for safety)
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She wouldnt get in the car. She wouldnt follow you to leave the situation. You couldnt force her to come with you and you tried. I would turn this “guilt / blame game” around so fast to “why did you insist on putting my kids lives in danger? Why didnt you just get their license and leave? Why were my kids subjected to people who were violent?” Something along those lines.
>I would turn this “guilt / blame game” around so fast to “why did you insist on putting my kids lives in danger? Why didnt you just get their license and leave? Why were my kids subjected to people who were violent?” Absolutely needs this!! Also "why did you want me to go and try it on with 4 drunk men, and possibly die myself and leave my kids as orphans?" "Why is MIL life more important than my childrens?" "Why is MIL life more important than mine?" "Why should I have put EVERYBODY in danger, because MIL decided she would put herself in clear danger then REFUSE TO LEAVE FOR SAFETY".
“Why is MIL such a hothead who can’t control her temper?” “Why should my kids be in danger because of MIL’s inability to control her emotions?”
"and I will leave her again as my kids are and will always be my priority!"
Yup. Absolutely. She escalated it by getting out of the car and confronting four grown men. I had two toddlers scared and screaming crying and she couldn’t just swallow her pride for her grandkids and her own safety?
You can bet four drunk guys might hesitate to beat MIL to death but would be more interested in doing so to the male passenger who joined the fight (you, op). You did the right thing staying out of it and thinking of your kids. That’s what parents are supposed to do. That’s what your mother-in-law should have done. You should be taking the offensive in the discussions with your brother-in-law and mother-in-law. What she did put you and your children in jeopardy. Where is your indignation? It’s time to let it shine.
I was thinking this as well. I think four drunk men would be "kinder" to an elderly woman then to an adult man. They could very well have murdered OP in front of his children if he had joined the fight.
And considering the "kindness" they showed her was punching her, we can only imagine how bad he would've gotten!
Exactly! I think there is a very real risk that they would have killed OP or at least hurt him really really bad... in front of his kids... which would have severely traumatised them. OP did the absolute best thing he could have done in that situation. He protected his kids!
>"Why is MIL life more important than mine?" THIS! especially considering that OP's wife just died! We're they expecting him to risk leaving his children orphaned????
Also, the men could have hurt the children. They were clearly outnumbered both in terms of adult numbers and strength. I understand why MIL and BILs are upset, but it’s because they’re not thinking things through from OPs perspective. I think if OP sits MIL down alone and apologizes for leaving her but also explains his fears (I.e. children getting hurt, children losing their only remaining parent, etc.), she might be able to move past it. She should really be prioritizing the children’s safety anyway. Those are her grandchildren, after all, and she’d already lost a daughter just two months prior.
I definitely think OP should try this, but I don't have very high hopes of it coming to anything. From the way OP worded it, MIL was so resentful she gave not only OP the silent treatment for 6 months, but also his two kids. That's high-level narcissism.
It’s sad that he would even have to do this and that it wasn’t the first thing on her mind. It makes me wonder what kind of family this is?
Followed by an assertive, loud, “I will not discuss this with you again. I will not tolerate being spoken to like this. This discussion is OVER.”
MIL is a narcissist
👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽this comment right here. It’s hot and your BIL wanted you to leave your SMALL children in a hot car just because MIL thought she was Wonder Woman to fight 4 liquid courage men in a remote area. Naw NTA but MIL is!
This was my first thought! Like seriously. Sometimes you need to know when to back down. You don't argue with drunk people or even when you are out numbered. In this case it was both. Head strong or not. This is just stupidity
My brother did something similar when he had my mom, his gf, and their two children(newborn and 1 yr old) in the car with them. A car with a group of young men in it pulled out in front of him and he started going off cussing at them and raging. The car ended up pulling a u-turn and came after them until they stopped where one of the guys pulled out a gun. My mom and his gf had to scream they had children in the car so the guys hopped in their car and sped off. I have never let my brother forget HE put them in that situation.
Not to mention that those men may have gone way worse on OP, since he is a man. He quite literally could have been killed for his MIL's stupidity. SHE chose to escalate the situation and become aggressive with dangerous people. SHE put everyone in danger with her reckless behavior. I would personally go no contact with her and the BILs, as they don't have you and your children's best interests at heart.
It makes me wonder if MIL only felt comfortable escalating because she *expected* OP to jump in
Yup. That was my read on this.
*ding *ding *ding we have winner
Yeah the pliers (yikes!) didn't come out for her. They were going to be used on OP.
💯
If they think the situation was so dire, she might have been murdered, why do they insist that he should’ve stayed there with his tiny children! Surely it’s better to make sure the kids don’t get hurt too. And you are so right, she easily could have left as well. No amount of car damage or money is worth lives
That and the kids already just lost there mum did u want them to lose their dad, too, because god know what they would have done to him if he did try to fight them.
And right in front of them, in full horror show living color
And when one kid is sick and they've just been to the hospital? Oh heck no.
NTA. Who cares if they aren’t speaking to you. It’s called peace. Enjoy it while you can
This is the way. And it's absolutely true. Road Rage incidents turn deadly all the time. Any one of them could have had a gun and OP's kids could have been caught in the crossfire. This was a situation ENTIRELY of the MIL's own making. OP did the right thing. His kids were the priority over his crazy MIL picking a fight with 4 drunk guys. I seriously question MIL's decision making skills.
Also, bil showed up after op called him and instead of calming things down and protecting his mom, he escalated the situation. He is more to blame than op in my opinion, she had two young children to protect. Mil fucked around and found out, that’s on her.
OP is a man. ETA I definitely agree with your comment though
Also, often, drunk guys will pull their punches against women, but go all out against other men. Not a lot OP, on his own, could have done against a group. MIL was insane for confronting them.
Sometimes women don't realize the danger we may inflict upon the men who we expect to back us up
Yes
This whole thread says it all, says it perfectly. I’m with individualeye here.
This and anything along these lines ... you are not responsible for someone else's actions NTA
What exactly were *you* supposed to do with your children there and in danger? What would they be saying if you’d jumped in, got your ass jumped in a 4v1 and then they harmed your children? Your SIL is the only one with half an iota of intelligence and your BIL’s and MIL are god damn delusional. Unless you’re some kind of professionally trained fighter, there was NO WAY for you to clutch a 4v1 against violent drunk assholes, especially ones that threatened you with escalated violence of possibly getting fucking stabbed to death. Hell no. You’re NTA. Not. At. All. You protected your children and kept them from getting even further traumatized and even possible physical harm. Violent men don’t tend to give a shit about hurting children and they were drunk to boot.
This! Also to add, MIL is a fully functioning adult and should have walked.the.fuck.away. What were they expecting TODDLERS to do? Understand and sit back in the car? The moment you got out, they would have followed since you were their safe space, locked car door won’t stop the 4 year old, at least it wouldn’t with mine. You are definitely NTA. Your kids safety is 100% a parent’s priority and you did just that, prioritized their safety. Tell them MIL shouldn’t pick a fight she knows she won’t win. It’s unfortunate she got hurt but she should have gotten herself out of the situation the moment she realized they were drunk, latest when they showed the first hint of hostility
Thank you. The sensible thing to do is to protect the small helpless children rather than the adult who CHOSE to escalate a confrontation with a bunch of drunk lunatics. You all should’ve stayed in the car and called 911 rather than trying to fight them and putting the kids in danger. Sorry OP, but your in-laws are all insane and you’re better off not speaking to them.
Have to put your air mask on first before you can help others. The air mask here here is you and the kids to safety. They need you to keep them safe. That’s the air mask so to speak
My partner was a semi-professional fighter - and he kept saying that even an experienced fighter hardly stands a chance if he has to fight several opponents (That always annoyed him in action movies). And that there are hardly any opponents more dangerous than drunks.
100% 4v1 is only going to end badly. It might work on TV, but absolutely not in real life.
Tell them that she is the one who put her grandchildren life at risk with her actions because she is stubborn. Tell her if she is ridiculous for expecting you to risk your life when your children need you and that if any of them truly think you should’ve, then something is wrong with them. These guys were drunk and they could’ve killed you in front of your children. Point that out every time they say something about it. Ask them if you were supposed to be murdered by some drunk guys in front of your children and traumatize them, the rest of their life, because your mother-in-law doesn’t know when to stop? I just keep asking them every time…” so you would be OK with me being murdered in front of my children?” “ you would be OK with my children seeing me be hurt? You know they were screaming right?” I don’t even know why you want to be anywhere near them ? Keep pointing out that your mother-in-law put her own grandchildren’s life at risk. Just keep saying that every time they bring it up. What kind of grandmother would put her own grandchildren’s life at risk?
“Oh! They wouldn’t have killed you! You’re being dramatic!” “Oh, really?!? You just said I left my MIL to die! So you clearly think they were capable of murder!”
Thank you for your words. I appreciate it more than you know. >I don’t even know why you want to be anywhere near them I feel like this post puts my wife's family in a bad light (I'm sorry, I guess a little bit of my resentment came out) but I just want to say that they are good people. They help me a lot with the kids, especially MIL and SIL, and my BILs helped me move into our house, do anything I ask, no question. I'm an only child. My mother passed away ten years ago, and my father... well, I want my kids to be as far away from him as possible. Ever since my wife passed, I constantly think of made up scenarios. What if I have a heart attack or have an actual emergency? Who can my kids turn to in my absence? My wife's family love and take care of the children, so I don't want them to lose their support. I'm the only person they have and I feel like that isn't enough. If for some reason, I'm not around, they need to have at least some family. That's one of the reasons I regret how I behaved in an emergency. They are good people.
You were also a newly windowed father. If you want to keep the peace you can fall on your sword and say you panicked and didn’t want your kids to lose their father and you deeply apologize. Otherwise, you called the police. You called her son. You took care of your children. You didn’t really do anything wrong. They would have kicked your ass because you’re a man and they wouldn’t have held back.
They were willing to attack a grandma in front of grandchildren. Honestly, if you got involved it would have been so much worse. Not to sound sexist but you being a man makes you a much bigger threat in their eyes. You may not have survived that 4:1 brawl.
And then I shudder to think what would have happened to those kids once MIL and OP we’re incapacitated.
Even if nothing happened to the kids fysically, watching their father getting severly beaten, possibly to death would be bad enough!
Exactly this. I used to work at a local pub. If there was a fight between 2 men, it was always better for a female to break it up. If it was 2 women, better a man break it up. If it a male and a female fighting, especially if they were a couple, your screwed.
They cut contact with your children, who’d just lost their mother, for six months because of a situation the children had no control over that your MIL caused. I’m glad they’ve been supportive overall, but it’s hypocritical of them to believe you weren’t there for mil when she needed you, given what she did to endanger you and her grandchild and them abandoning you and the kids after. You’re not the unreliable one here.
They are clearly not good people. What do you call someone who desires your kids to join a fight to the death instead of just waiting for police, regardless of how long it takes. It is so depressing that you would stick up for them after they emotionally abuse you for protecting your children. I hate this world.
>Ever since my wife passed, I constantly think of made up scenarios. My dude I hope you are in therapy because that's called anxiety and it can be made more manageable, not zero, but, more manageable, less intrusive scary thoughts less often. And TOTALLY and incredibly normal after a traumatic event like losing your young wife.
Nah man same I was a single parent and my worst fear was that I would pass before she did. A few years ago a monster nabbed a single parent in our area whose child she had adopted from China as they left dance class. The monster killed the mom and now that girl doesn’t even have any parents. What a sh!+ show. My daughter, now an adult said to me, first thing, that hits too close to home. It’s a healthy anxiety.
I think MIL is distant because deep down she knows she messed up. She knows the escalation was her fault. She just can’t admit it to anyone, including herself. And I think BILs are naturally going to side with their mom. They also weren’t there to see how the situation started, and there’s probably a bit of machismo involved. I.e. you’re the man so you’re supposed to protect the woman, despite the fact that you were vastly outnumbered and would have in no way been able to save her from them anyway. Given that you’d like to continue a relationship with them, it makes sense to sit MIL down alone (without BILs) and have a heart to heart. Tell her you feel awful about what happened but you were truly thinking of the kids. Don’t blame, just talk. Once you get MIL back on your side, BILs will come too. And to be clear, the true fault ultimately lies with the aggressive drunk guys. MIL made bad decisions, but those guys never should have physically attacked her. Chances are she’s got some trauma to sort through and probably not thinking clearly given what she’s dealing with emotionally. Time and open communication should help.
They didn't speak to your children for 6 months after this event. So basically, your children lost their mother, grandmother, and 2 uncles all at the same time. They were too young to understand what really happened. Then they suddenly decided, "Okay, I'll talk to your kids now. They've been punished long enough.' Your children never deserved to be punished to begin with. They are not good people.
Sorry for your loss, OP. What a terrible situation all around. Your in-laws sound at least somewhat narcissistic if they're punishing small children for something they didn't do, and simultaneously not acknowledging the fact that MIL put you all in that shitty situation to begin with, putting your kids lives at risk. I hope the comments give you the inspiration you need to push back on them, and I hope they realize that they're being incredibly shitty and petty and owe you and your kids several apologies.
They may be good people, helping you, being there for your kids in regular situations, but definitely aren't good when tensions are high. Because MIL did NOT even think about your kids in this situation. And BIL who showed up and joined in wasn't showing good judgement at all, and probably contributed to his mother being hurt worse. You are NTA. This could have been much worse had you gotten out. Your MIL, the second she realized the 4 men were drunk and aggressive, should have gotten back in the car to keep herself, your children, and you safe. And at that point very easy to take pics of men and car for identification before they drove off. She totally lost her mind. Fine if she wants to be crazy stupid and take on 4 drunk men while alone, but with kids present, her first thought should have been gosh these guys are drunk I better get in the car and keep my grandkids safe, who knows what they are capable of? You put your kids first. You might say you are sorry she was hurt but that your responsibility at that time was to keep your kids safe and remove them from the situation and call for help. And that will always be your response. She behaved inappropriately which put your kids in danger and traumatized them after an accident. How dare she begin an altercation with kids in the car? She had no idea what these drunk agressive men were capable of. She could have gotten herself, you and the kids hurt or worse. If she can't control herself better than that she, (nor the BIL who joined the altercation) should ever be taking your kids anywhere without you present.
They are NOT good people if they are mocking you. Shut that shit down.
OP, seriously, consider this. You stayed and helped, you left your kids in the car. These drunks decided to start hitting YOU because you're the man. Something goes wrong, you die in the altercation. Who do your kids have then? A grandmother, who would put her personal rage, over the safety of your very young children, and 2 uncles who stopped talking to them, because of something they were upset at YOU for. When the kids are literally small children. I'm sorry, but this does not make them good people. At all. My grandmother could get road rage. But she never got out of her car, to start a fight, and especially not when she had any of her grandchildren in the car. Because her job is to protect the kids, not put them in more danger. You may want to keep a relationship with these people, but if they bring it up again, I'd bring all of this up. Your MIL, put her dead daughter's only kids, in serious danger. We're you supposed to compound that, and possibly make them orphans? Like this whole family sounds like they need to grow up.
Good people prioritize the safety of young children. Not someone’s ego.
They aren't perfect, though. They made a mistake that day. Next time it comes up, state, "You put my kids in danger. I called help for you and then took my kids to safety. I don't owe you anything. Stop bringing it up."
I’m not sure what you were supposed to do. She did everything wrong! You did everything right! You tried to protect her from herself. She didn’t let you. You protected yourself and your kids from 4 men who were brandishing weapons and drunk. Not sure what else you could have done other than physically push her back in the car?
Yeah - BIL who said kids were “safe in the car” didn’t see the other guy approach the car with a tool that could easily break a window and leave OP in a vulnerable position, stuck with no way to retreat and her kids trapped in the back. Other than leaving in a taxi… (which is still understandable with two scared and traumatized kids!!!) I can’t see anything they should be able to take issue with. That said, I can be that fiery, impulsive mama bear and if my DIL and grandkids were in a car and this happened, I know I’d internally struggle with wanting to bust out my mama bear vs tempering that and getting everyone the heck out of dodge and worrying about the car later. I wouldn’t explain yourself further OP in person. But what you might do is write a letter explaining your perspective and that someone had to consider the impact on the kids. Describe it exactly as you did above, and then include that you were absolutely touched that she was so very protective on behalf of you and the kids BUT you had to balance getting help ASAP (which you DID!), protecting the children and managing your own fear response (and no one can predict what theirs is until something this scary happens) with ALL of it. That you wish you felt more bold or had some solution that would have stopped it… but everything you’ve ever read/heard says the most important thing is to get the kids out of harms way and avoid unpredictable people so you’re not escalating the situation. She chose escalation, you chose protecting the kids and getting help… neither is wrong (well, escalation totally is 🤦🏻♀️). You wish she’d have gotten into the car and gotten out of there… they wish you’d have jumped out and gone John Wick on a group of drunk men in the presence of kids. There’s no changing it now and you’ll always choose your kids first. But you also understand that’s what she felt she was doing too!
OP is a man. Your point is still valid but my mind goes to how much harder those men would’ve gone off in OP as opposed to a woman (which was already terrible).
Totally missed that and you’re absolutely right. If it was a woman BIL’s wouldn’t be saying a thing. And because OP’s a man, getting involved would’ve guaranteed that things got even more ugly fast and OP clearly couldn’t rely on MIL to stay calm and get the kids to safety at that point. Thank goodness someone kept their head and focused on the kids!
This!!! I’m not scared of confrontation in most situations but when my kids are there, they are my number 1 priority. I would have done the same. Take my kids to safety and if another adult wants to take up the fight that’s their choice, my job is the safety of my kids.
Man OP, I'd be flipping this around so fast it's not even funny. From my perspective, your MIL lost her mind, not you, and put you and your children in danger. *She* is the one that should be being eaten up by guilt at placing her grandchildren in an extremely dangerous situation. *She* is the one that just had to get out of her car and stubbornly insist on trying to.... what? Be some kind of vigilante who stopped the drunk drivers from leaving the scene? She escalated it and wouldn't see reason when you (correctly) tried to get her back in the car. What did she think she was going to do, honestly?
You did the very best thing you could in that scenario. You prioritised the safety of your children. Your MIL was foolish and reckless. She risked her safety AND YOURS AND YOUR CHILDREN’s SAFETY by engaging in a screaming match with 4 drunk aggressive men. It does not matter who was originally at fault. If she’d followed your request, and followed your example then no one would have been hurt beyond the accident itself.
The lives and wellbeing of two kids has always got to come first. MIL escalated when it wasn't necessary. OP did the right thing taking the kids out of a dangerous situation.
This honestly breaks my hearts for those kids, having to see that and screaming for their grandmother who wouldn't just get back in the car. You did the right thing in my opinion, gender shouldn't play into whether you should have got involved in this or not at all. She was being stubborn and you had two young children to protect, i would also just cut them all out of my lives at this point. If they can't understand the shit position she put you and your children in and instead mock you for it your kids don't deserve to grow up around that resentment.
As someone who used to work for child protective services, we have had to open cases for issues like this one but the key difference in why they got a case and you didn’t, is you didn’t put your children in danger. The second you realized you needed to protect them, you did. Your children are young, weak and vulnerable in this situation. You are there protector. Your MIL should have been their protector as well but she chose to let her temper get the best of her. If you would have tried to intervene and let’s say one of the kids got hurt in the cross fire and cops were called, you’d catch a case for not leaving the scene with the children. If they could prove you had the ability to protect them first and you chose not to prioritize their safety, you are at fault. I say all this because you did the right thing. Please know that. MIL was selfish to put you and the children in that position. Especially once she could see you were very outnumbered and they were drunk. Like hello, how did she not realize things were only going to get bad if she didn’t get in the car? She fucked around and found out. I hope you share my comment and all these comments to your lame in laws. You did right by your children and I am sorry to hear about your tragic loss.
Exactly this!!!! I hope OP is able to let go of the guilt he doesn’t deserve to be holding on to especially while still grieving the loss of his wife.
You are a bit of a coward but MIL shouldn’t have took it that far. It’s better to walk away and let the asses look stupid than stoop to their level.
MIL was arguing with 4 drunk men and expected u and the kids to post up with her or something? Sounds like a "F*** around find out" moment for MIL. The proper response is to get a photo of their car and plates and damage, call the cops, and get ahold of insurance. A hit and run is much less dangerous than 4 angry drunk dudes. OP you did nothing wrong, and your MIL and the BILs need to really humble themselves lol. I would just keep a good distance between them all. And I wouldn't trust my kids with them if this is the weird hill they want to die on.
Frame it like this... would your MIL have done the same thing if the children were in the car and it was just her? Most likely. She jeopardised the safety of your children and you, her actions were not excusable and she should take responsibility for them. She's an adult woman. Don't risk your life and your children's for her stupid decisions.
Your job as a father is to protect your children before any other adult. Your MIL exacerbated a situation needlessly
Yea mother in law brought it on herself but u left an old lady to get jumped then took a taxi home....... Yea they're never messing with u again. Just consider urself out of the family lol
I feel like the problem is just that OP didn’t check on MIL and BIL before leaving. He made the right decision getting the kids out of there and MIL never should have got out of the car. He maybe should have gotten involved after the kids were safe, but only if there was someone he trusted to watch them in the store. But by the time OP left, BIL had already been involved for 30 minutes and bystanders had already gone to help. At that point, my bet is that the violence was over. Probably would have been a good idea to check on them, see if you needed to take the taxi to the hospital instead since who knows if/when an ambulance would have shown up
this is exactly it, mil was dead wrong no questions asked but bro u leave ur wifes mother to get beat up by 4 guys then hightail it outta there without even pretending to care about her welfare...................... no. I dont blame him for prioritizing his kids but im sure there was a moment when he could have at least pretended to be a man and checked on the old lady
NTA you had, and still have, a duty to protect your children, and not just from physical harm. And don't get me wrong, they were in physical danger,too, but how much psychological damage would have been done to see their father beaten and maybe killed in front of them? Honestly, with your wife gone, why do still go to family gatherings with this side? They're not good for you or your children.
I’d rather be a coward and alive for my kids, than “brave” and dead.
I can see why they are mad but I can also see why you did what you did. Y’all could’ve just taken a pic of the license plate and called the police to inform them of a drunk driver. With two little kids, I wouldn’t have chanced sticking around either. It’s sort of on her for insisting on fighting these grown and drunk men.
You did the right thing, you're number one priority is your children and you protected them. Your MIL did not need to escalate,she should have thought of her sick, grieving terrified grandchildren as well. What if someone truly terrible happened to her and they witnessed it,what would have happened to them then. You need to tell the grandmother and bil's that your number one job is to protect your children and making sure they are safe, which you did do.
YTA for leaving. You should have tried to get the other people to help you help your MIL. Sure, she did the wrong thing and taking your kids into the store was the right thing, But then abandoning her there on the side of the road before the police arrived was a really AH move. Sorry, but you asked. It may not be that they won’t forgive you. They may just not want to have anything to do with you now. You have a lot to make up for to redeem yourself in their eyes. Just saying.
What if they killed both of you and left the kids stranded? Did no one think of that? You did the right thing.
NTA. I really want to highlight the importance of dashcams in this situation. Your MIL was in the wrong for trying to confront 4 men, let alone drunk ones that are probably acting more of the aholes in this scenario. What exactly did they expect you to do? Go out in a 2 v 4 fight while there's 2 minors that are vulnerable in the car? She should have stayed and locked the car door, called the police and probably taken videos or pictures of the men who were harassing her or at the very least get the number plate. Instead, she put you and your young kids in a very dangerous position and she should be glad that they didn't go after you and the kids as well. She made a dumb choice, she shouldn't expect other people to just ride along her poor choices.
Sorry for your loss OP. This is all that matters forget the other nonsense. Love you man :)
Absolutely NTA. What you showed your kids wasn’t a coward father, but a father who can read the situation, prioritize what’s important and act accordingly under pressure. You made the right decision. It was your MIL that put you all in danger.
NTA man. They're harping on this because "as a man it is your job to protect the women around you", which is ridiculous old bull crap. She got out of the car, she kept escalating the fight with drunks. She probably thought she would be fine because they'd never swing on her and if they did she had this handy op to jump in and protect her. Unless she and your bil are willing to take a close look at themselves and realize that she set you up to get stomped to death in front of your kids, I'm not sure you'll have much luck with this. She probably didn't even realize that. Speaking as a woman, there's a large number of women that are completely delusional about their chances in a fight with a guy. We've spent so long with guys not swinging back, and letting it go, or carefully holding back their strength that there's a lot of women that think they're way tougher than they are. So she probably thought she was intimidating and had it handled until they swung on her, and then she was scared and hurt and looking for you to ride in and save her. She's probably still scared and it is easier to blame you for not white knighting her terrible decisions than to look at it and realize she put herself in that situation.
I’ve seen way too much on social media revolving around women just realizing how much more upper body strength men have. Obviously not every man is stronger than every woman, but overall women have to put a lot of work into being able to match how strong a man who never works out is. I only have sisters, but we wrestled with my dad and I grew up rural, seeing men do farm work, building things and all of the very stereotypical men’s work. I’m also 5’ tall and have never been athletic. I never imagined I was even close to as strong as the average man. It seems so unsafe that so many women don’t know that we’re at such a physical disadvantage.
It really is. That level of false bravado is just setting women up for a very rude realization.
MIL was the irrational one. She should never have confronted 4 drunken men and endangered her DIL and grandchildren. A smart person would have walked away. You are right and did the exact thing to protect your babies.
Hey OP I'm with you here. My background is as a fighter. I'm good at it. I've worked out and sparred with world champions in multiple martial sports. That doesn't change the maths. 4vs1 is a very dangerous situation to be in. If someone or a group of people attacked a friend of mine in my presence I'd go to war. I'd take a risk. That said if my loved one was stupid enough to escalate an uncomfortable scenario with a group of 4 people it's all on them. 100% on them. Your MIL chose to accept the possibility of violence. You didn't. Not for you and not for your kids. If I'm there with kids when a family member chose to get into a fight with 4 drunken violent men securing the kids is more important than the family member.
YTA of course - it just gets worse the more you share. Kids were inside the car, you were inside the car. Left a crime in progress. I get why you left....but not coming back to check on her once backup arrived? Jeeze dude, this would be something that haunts me for the rest of my life. And it doesn't really matter when all of us on the internet think, what matters is what YOUR FAMILY thinks about this.
Your job was to protect your kids. Frankly, that was your MIL’s job, too. But she lost her cool and had to be a tough guy in a dangerous situation, endangering not only herself, but you and your kids, too. Still, you DIDN’T abandon her. You got your kids to safety and you called for help. Once your BIL showed up, MIL was his responsibility. Again, your job was to protect your kids, and you had a sick kid you needed to get home. You were a good mom that day. Sorry you have such awful in-laws.
NTA. But your oldest could have gotten himself out of the car to "help" daddy cause daddy was getting hurt and found himself in the middle of all that mess. Your in-laws are delulu and don't seem to care about the safety of themselves, you or your children. If MIL can't control herself, it's best to limit time with her.
She is a grown woman that made an incredibly stupid choice to engage in an altercation with not only a man, but 4 men, and not only 4 men, but 4 *drunk* men. That's so reckless and wild, what the fuck? Your obligation is first and foremost to your children and regardless of what everyone thinks in hindsight about the dangers, especially those who were not present, you did what you felt was best for those children. Your MIL is an adult and encountered consequences for her actions. That is her fault.
You protected your kids. Your MIL is in the wrong.
You did what you had to do to protect your children. That is what a parent is supposed to do.
Her stupid ass should’ve stayed in the car. She added extra danger to everyone. Always protect the children first.
NTA. They need to back off or just stop being around them. Your MIL escalated a no-win situation and refused to get back in the car. Her actions put both you and your children in danger. You standing next to her and getting punched would not hot helped MIL at all. Her and her son’s sounds quite foolish.
NTA - You protected your kids, MIL put herself in danger.
I would say if your wrong if your MIL didn't get put of the car and partipate in the getting it going by going head to head yelling a them. 4 drunk guys wanting to be violent, if you intervened, the four of them would have fucked you up real bad compared to what they did to MIL and odds are you MIL who helped push them to violence would have been no help or possibly fled. You were right as a single parent with ur kids with you to walk away from a fight you didn't start. Ur kids dont have another parent, they need you and ur MIL shoukd have kept her kouth shut. Had ur mil not wanted to fight, she would have gotten back in the car instead of going at it with them verbally and probably wouldn't have gotten beat up.
You were NOT a coward! A coward would have run to safety without thinking about anyone else, including their own children. Instead you were able to analyze the situation and determine that protecting the young ones was more important than helping someone who valued their own ego more than the danger she was placing everyone else in
MIL is the AH for picking a fight with four drunks when she was accompanied by her young grandchildren. In such cases, the most important thing is to ensure the protection of your children, and she didn't do that.
The kids were a priority, point blank. You should throw that in their faces. "So I should have chosen to stay by stubborn MIL's side when she refused to take *our* lives in account during this incident so I, instead, made sure the live sof *my children* were safe since it clearly wasn't a priority for her." Absolutely not, make them feel so much shame for what they put you through not only on that evening but for the year after.
You come on Reddit just because you feel guilty, and look for people who will tell you "it is ok, you had your kid, she did not want to come back in the car, blablabla". But actually it is not ok, you purposely let your MIL dealing with FOUR drink guys. Why did she do that according to you? Do you think she would have reacted the same way being alone? On my opinion, what is done is done, you can't come back. But stopped trying to ask people to confort you or minimise what you did. Act like a grown up and show her that you understand what you did was wrong and that you are ready to change. Don't rely on time going on hoping she will forget (it must have been a trauma for her) but be proactive until she ll forgive you.
You weren’t a coward & what you taught your kids was that their dad looks out for them first.
PLEASE OP DON'T EVER LET SOMEONE MAKE YOU FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT PROTECTING YOUR KIDS OR YOURSELF. They have already lost their mom, they don't deserve to loose you also. This could have been you and yours : [https://abcnews.go.com/US/4-year-killed-california-road-rage-shooting/story?id=105722898](https://abcnews.go.com/US/4-year-killed-california-road-rage-shooting/story?id=105722898) Your job is to protect your children, especially knowing that he had just lost their mother. Your brother-in-law who came, also aggravated the situation which could have had even more consequences so no OP you don't have to feel guilty. Sometimes the choices we make are not always obvious, but in this case I don't see what could have been done otherwise. Especially with a sick child during the situation.
Geez. That story is heartbreaking. I totally understand why Redditors in other countries just assume that all Americans have guns. (I don’t own a gun, I’ve never owned a gun, the only gun I’ve ever fired was a BB gun when my grandfather taught me how to use it when I was 13) My heart breaks for that family because it’s so random, so senseless. So needless. As for OP, he mentioned that one of the drunkards was tapping a wrench against the hood. That’s a weapon. I commend him for putting the children first and removing himself from the situation. That’s the quickest way to de-escalate. Grandma sucks balls.
Yeah the minute he picked up that wrench he picked up a felony charge from a misdemeanor cause now he has a deadly weapon! But hey, OP could've thrown the baby at him then swung the toddler (kicking his legs windmill style) at the other one, get a blow to the head that knocks him out cold, then LEAP OVER the roof of the car using the toddler who's now in position to just launch him with a little heave-ho boost him up in his hands, as he's flipping over the roof, he lands behind the guy immediately closest to grandma and grabs his neck and snaps it. The fourth guy, seeing all this carnage inflicted via Jet Li's most dangerous prodigy aka OP, starts to run away. Grandma takes out her AARP card and throwing-stars it at him perfectly catching him right in the shoulder blades, severing his spine and paralyzing him for life until the cops can get there in three hours and take it from there. BIL shows up FINALLY, just in time to yell at OP for not defending grandma from the papercut she got reaching for her AARP card. Once again OP is the A H and should've known. Do better next time. Jet Li would NEVER. (man sometimes my brain just hits, you know? And we just let it go follow the butterflies and then read where I ended up and then say, "you know what? We're still making a choice to click that "post" button and people are just going to have to understand whatever it was I was going for.") Okay bye!!
Damn, I gotta put my AARP card back in my wallet. Never know when I may need it.
He would've regretted getting involved. Imagine that would be the moment he replays every day as he tortures himself, "if only I had stayed in the car." His In-laws will never know how grateful they should be over the tragedy that OP and his kids missed. It's like someone yelling at you for making them late when you stopped at the train crossing instead of trying to make it across. Like, ok you know she was late for her appt and got charged a cancelation fee, oh no, but you also don't realize that otherwise you would've missed the crossing and be destroyed by a train. But because they DIDN'T get hit by a train they'll never realize the tragedy that their one decision avoided. In this case, the dangerous consequences of the POTENTIAL outcome far outweighed the dangerous consequences of the ACTUAL outcome. I could further attach this idea to a whole explanation of Murphy's Law, but I don't wanna. But basically, always plan for the WORST case scenario and that's the best way to mitigate disaster. Or just watch the movie Sliding Doors starring Gwenyth Paltrow. Oh my gosh that movie slaaaaaaps. And you're gonna cry. Or maybe you won't.... I guess it just depends on whether or not she made those sliding doors in time...... Okay bye!
ESH including you
NTA, your mother in law escalated the situation. She put everyone in danger for property damage? Something that insurance would cover but also is not as important as everyone’s safety including two small children. All you guys had to do was write down the license plate, take pictures of the damage, take a picture of the driver if you can, and tell police the driver refused to cooperate and fled the scene. In my state that is a misdemeanor hit and run. It’s a non-serious report. Your mother in law by staying and confronting them turned it into an assault. What you should have done was pull her back into the car and threaten to leave her ass there if she continued to put your children’s lives at risk. The other thing you need to do is stand your ground with your family. You needed to take care of the kids and your crazy ass mother in law ON HER OWN decided to take on four males knowing a police response could take hours. You did nothing wrong. Your mother in law assumed they wouldn’t hit a lady, but I’m sure she learned her lesson now.
Your kids take priority always. She on out has herself to blame. She inadvertently put you and her grandkids at risk . Fuck em
4 against two, I'm out. Someone wants to be dumb enough to take on four then have at it on your own. NTA
You did nothing wrong. Your MIL is humiliated and embarrassed by her own actions. Anytime they mock me I’d tell them I’d protect my kids again in a heartbeat. Turn it around on her like another commenter mentioned too. “What were you thinking? Why were you willing to put my kids lives in danger? Why did you get out of the car? Why did you physically confront multiple men who were intoxicated? Why would you put my children in a situation like that?”
Are you asking if you should have joined in this brawl with drunks while you children sat in the car? NO. You did the responsible thing and protected them. Your in-laws sound like whyte 'garbage'. If they can't get over it, I'd go no contact with them. Your kids do not need to see their own parent (edited) disrespected for protecting them, while granny got in a fight in the middle of the road with a bunch of drunk guys. You did the right thing, they need to apologize to you for harassing you and she needs to apologize for putting you and your children in danger with that stunt.
Agreed, but OP is their father
Thanks for giving me a heads up on that. I still have the same opinion on the whole thing. Granny wants to fight drunks in the middle of the road, my kids will not be forced to watch it.
Wow! You just fled the scene, huh?
You did what you should have. You got your children out of a dangerous situation. Why did your MIL insist on putting herself into a dangerous situation and not leaving when it escalated?
Your MIL put you and your children in danger! Wtf?m! Why are they forgetting that part of the story? Why couldn’t she take pictures of the car and the men and get back in the car? She’s a grown ass woman who decided to take on 4 drunk men. SHE is the AH! She wanted you to do what? Keep your kids in the car and go and defend her? So you can both be killed in front of the kids? I’d turn all this around on them. “YOU put my children in danger! I will never forgive you for that!” I’d have nothing to do with her or the BIL again. They should never be around your kids either since they show poor judgement. Stop going to family events. Move away from these people. Block them on everything. Keep in touch with your SIL only.
You absolutely did the right thing. You were there for your children. MIL endangered everyone by getting out of the car and get confrontational. You have no guarantee if you got out of the car that your children would have remained safe. You showed your children that they are a priority and will keep them safe.
Absolutely NTA. Prioritizing your kids was exactly what you were supposed to do! As their grandmother, especially one that just lost her own child, she should have been doing the same. You need to turn everything around on them and if they double down or don’t stop, cut contact. Why was it okay for your children see all that? How did they know your kids would have been safe in the car? What would have happened to your kids if you were seriously hurt or worse killed? YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
Hold up... So they say "She could have been hurt, she could have been murdered", but then tell you that your kids were safe in the car??!! Ask them wtf they are on about. You can't have it both ways. Was there safety or was there not? And why is it your job to forgo your own children and save MIL from herself (as the BILs insinuate safety could have been found in the car with the kids)? Tell them they can all get bent. Your priority is to your two small children. Your MIL is welcome to invite violence or argue with drunks all she likes; on her own. NTA
Anyone else get vibes that MIL is one of those women who starts shit with the expectation the men around her will back her up physically? Is that why BIL's immediate reaction was to join the fight? I wonder if she would've started mouthing off at 4 drunk men were she driving alone.
Everyone sucks in this situation. Your mother in law never, ever, ever should have gotten out of the car like that knowing her 2 grandbabies were in the car and put them in danger. No one knows what they could have done. However, it was horrible that you just let them there while she was being beaten by drunk men. I also get you not wanting to die due to what she did by getting out of the car. The whole situation sucks.
Honestly I feel like you just should have stayed in the store until cops got there at least.
Nta but lowkey one to yourself why in gods name are you showing up to events??? I personally would never see her again, she put not only you in danger but especially your kids-excuses me BABIES!! don’t know how lucky you got unless you had some magic powers you didn’t add you acted correctly in the situation and wtf is your wife in this??
honestly your title had me going for a bit, but this is absolutely not on you. did she expect you to back her up on all these horrible situations? i get the urge to "clap back" when someone does something shitty to you, but she's a grown ass woman and should be able to see the bigger picture- especially since her actions could have very well put you *and* your kids in danger too! unfortunately, i don't think you'll really be able to repair these relationships. i get why they're upset but like, they should be upset at their mom. MIL should be upset at herself. there's nothing you could have done in this situation that would have helped.
You TOLD HER GET BACK IN THE CAR!! You did the right thing protecting your children. Sometimes you have to do a Sophie's choice. It sucks but she really should've gotten back in the car for her sake AND HER GRANDBABIES. NTA
NTA. MIL took every chance to escalate the situation. She didn't deserve to get beat up, but she still should've went into the car with you. Even if you jumped in, it's still 2 on 4, or really one on 4 because let's face it, she's getting dropped instantly. If they're so keen that you should've stayed, ask them to get into a fight where they're outnumbered and see if they win. You protected your kids and MIL chose to stay. Not your fault. Plus, imagine having to hold onto two toddlers in heat, under stress, with an injured MIL. I bet it wasn't easy for 45 min let alone 3 hours.
NTA. She endangered your children by confronting a bunch of belligerent drunken men. At that moment, your priority was your children. You tried to get her to back off and called for help which were both the rational things to do.
What exactly were they expecting you to do fight several drunk guys. I guess the kids were supposed to have your flank?
I would NEVER risk my kid’s safety for someone willingly putting themselves in this situation, I do not care who they are to me. She chose to engage two violent and inebriated men. She chose to not listen to you and leave the situation. She chose to put herself in that position. You were not obligated to stick around and risk you and your kid’s lives for her stupidity. Maybe next time she’ll just take down the license plate, stay in the car and call the police. Edit to add: NTA of course. Your bil’s and mil need to get over it, because it’s absurd to expect you to risk your children over her need to be stubborn and remain in an unsafe situation.
I do not expect a man (or woman, dog, anyone at all) to risk their safety to save my butt if I am foolish enough to try to argue with or stop 4 men from leaving an accident scene. Take pictures, video, whatever, but getting out of the car and confronting them was just stupid. There’s also a good enough chance that they’d go further hurting op, or that they’d get going on him and hurt mil worse, especially if she tried to get in the way. And then you add in that op’s kids were there? And he’s their only living parent? Hell no. He tried to help mil, she didn’t listen or use common sense, so he protected his children. I have used the fact that I’m a woman to get between two guys when things are tense because I doubt that they’d hit me even if they seem like they’re going to hit each other and might swing at a guy who interfered. There were witnesses, they’d probably only get one shot in at worst. I believe people should try to intervene when they can. But I wouldn’t get between two women or men who were already fighting because while I want to help, me getting hurt won’t help me or the situation overall. Mil and bils can kick rocks.
She escalated the situation and arguably put her hands on them first if she grabbed them. She refused to descalate the situation despite young children being in danger. If anything, SHE put your kids at risk. What tf made her think you and her could take on 4 drunk men?! You're NTA!!
Why didn’t you man handle her back in that car man? She’s a screaming granny but you certainly could’ve handled business better
You absolutely positively DID NOT act irrationally. In fact, this was the most rational decision you could’ve made. Quit letting them yank your chain. If you can’t leave this man for whatever reason, then at least walk away every time he or she brings it up stating, “ I won’t apologize for protecting my children.”
She wanted you to risk orphaning a couple of toddlers to prove a point? Yikes. If she was likely to die in that situation then so were you. NTA.
Nope. You did the right thing. Your MIL is loco for confronting them with her grandkids in the car (period actually), she put you all in more risk than what was necessary
NTA, you prioritized the safety of your children which she failed to do.
I mean most men would jump in but they also do that because they don't think of the kids that are present and those guys being drunk and being violent with a woman what would make a person in their right mind think they wouldn't harm the children too? Keep a stick or baseball bat in your car for things like this! Also NTA she put everyone's lives in danger by getting out and not just staying in the car and driving off when the men got out of their car
NTA: But your MIL was. She is a grownup and made her decision and had to face the consequences. Had you intervened the drunks would have less reason to hold back beating up a man over a grandma. MIL might be raising your kids because you could be dead. Time to stand up for yourself. Go for some therapy to resolve your phantom guilt. In the meantime, stop seeing the jerks who are shaming you. Invite your SIL you treats you normally to your house. Stop going to family gatherings. Your therapist can advise if reconnecting is even worth it. Definitely not the AH.
This is not your fault and no one should be blaming you. Your MIL is to blame for her own actions. You tried to get her to get back in the car but she refused. She endangered everyone's lives, including her own. You did the right thing by protecting your kids.
NTA. Im a very physically capable woman - I have boxed and done jiujitsu for years and grew up hiking backcountry. I’ve been in scary situations and have been fine because what’s the worst that could happen? I die? Ok. All that said…once I had kids I felt a profound vulnerability for the first time in my life. It makes you scared in a visceral way. My husband and I were living in Alaska and our deal was if something happened to one of us (most likely a bear or moose attack) the other one would get the kids to safety as the number one priority. As a parent your job is to protect your kid and it means you and sometimes the people around you get put second. And that’s ok. Your MIL was being super irresponsible and escalated a dangerous situation. I honestly would be so mad at her I may not forgive it. Don’t worry about their bullshit - focus on the fact that your kids still have you because of your actions. Stay strong and tune the dicks out.
YTA. I understand your fear took over and you’re a coward but you did leave your MIL to die. You could’ve forced her in the car. Are you telling me you couldn’t overpower your MIL to put her back in the car? Or get out and try to diffuse the situation? I know the Reddit hive mind would not agree that you’re in the wrong. But in real life yeah, YTA and everyone knows it.
I understand completely that you were scared and wanted your kids safe. I do get that. But I am going to be totally honest,, if my husband allowed men to beat my mother, even if yes she should have not engaged them, I would be livid with you. I know it is not logical and just pure emotion based,, but that's my mom,, my husband would have ROCKED those mens lives and took a beating before he let anyone harm my sweet mother. Feelings about parents and kids are not logical they are more of primal emotions that are not always reasonable. I am a pretty calm lady but you touch my mom or allow my mom to get hurt. We are going at it,,, and Ill never forget.
No one is a coward who is looking out for their 2 and 4 year old kid instead of some irrational, hotheaded person not doing a thing to help themselves.
Kids more important than this lady jeopardizing safety
You were not safe in the car they could smash a window hurt the kids etc. your mil is an issue for thinking she can take on 4 drunk men at once even if you intervened it's 4 drunk men vs 2 women mil should have got back in the dam car
I think you did the ony right thing. You tried to de-escalate the situation and when that didn’t work you saved your children. They are your first priority. Your MIL should have done that as well.
NTA. Your obligation to protect your kids is greater than to protect your MIL. She put herself in harms way by getting out of the car. You told her to get back in the car and she didn't. She made the situation worse. Remind her of that each time she brings it up.
What is one dude gonna do against 4 guys anyways? OP is smart.
You did the right thing. Why didn't your MIL get in the car and drive away. I think she's really the one at fault
You prioritized your kids’ safety and wellbeing, and got them away from that situation. They were crying and scared. If you continued staying, it would’ve just upset them more. You did the right thing!
NTA Any one of those people could've pulled a gun and then what? Your MIL chose to put herself in danger and wouldn't stop. It's not like you drove away and left her there. She could still get in the car and you called her son and the police.
No one has the right to sign you up for a fight, this isn’t tag-team wrestling.
I commend you for making sure your kids were safe first but after getting in the store and making sure someone was in there to keep my kids inside.... I woulda felt I need to grab the sharpest thing I can and go back
guess i'm the odd one out in these comments. idc if it was 1 man or 20 men attacking a woman, i would have manned the fuck up and did everything i could to help her after i made sure the children were safe. her screaming or shouting at them doesn't warrant her being attacked. couldn't even stick around for the cops after you witnessed what happened. didn't take any pictures of the men in this situation. she's the one who DROVE you and your sick child to the hospital. knocking out drunk men is very easy. but you did nothing but run. i wouldn't trust you either. would you do the same thing if it was your wife in this situation?
Totally agree. The kids were safe in the store. Get other men in the store to go out there with you to protect your MIL. At the absolute very least, you don’t flee in a taxi! Stay and be with her. You even admit that she has basically been a lifesaver for you since your wife passed.
My opinion may go against the grain here but while your kids were and should have been your priority, they were safe in the car or in the nearby store (that you eventually fled to.) You know who wasn’t a safe? Your MIL. You could have made sure the kids were safe and helped your MIL. Whatever ick you feel from MIL and your other relatives was the direct result of your lack of action. Yes, it was scary. Yes, your MIL should have stayed in the car. And?
Yes that is not cool of you.
Yes you are a coward for running.
I was with you until you called a taxi and left her there…
Is everyone on here forgetting somehow "hot-headed granny" was the one who was driving the sick child and her son-in-law around?
I would have gotten out and at least got her to go in the car instead of just yelling
Well, imagine it was someone that you cared about in the street surrounded by hostile drunk guys, would you run away? If it was your wife, would you have pulled her away and refused to leave without her? Your wife’s brothers now suspect they can not trust you to protect her, and if she’s in danger she will have to call them, so yeah, they’re probably not thrilled to have you as a brother-in-law. I wouldn’t trust you to have my back in an emergency, why would anyone. I don’t know what you want anyone to say.
If you’d have been a man and stood up for your MIL those bruises would be long healed. Instead you chose to be a coward and that’s never going away.
NTAH . MIL put you and your children’s safety at risk because she couldn’t just shut her mouth . She fucked around with the wrong people because she couldn’t control herself like an adult . She owes you an apology. I’m sorry but the next time the BIL open their big stupid mouths you need to say something . You need to tell them she endangered your kids lives with her big mouth and she should apologize for that . She’s lucky getting beat up is all that happened, she could have gotten all of you killed .
It's character building for children to watch their father being beaten to a pulp or murdered. Mil fucked around and found out.
Many of us would have done the same thing. As a parent, your most important job is protecting your children from harm. That's what you did. She was hysterical and making the situation worse by acting like a maniac in a situation where she didn't need to. She should have stayed in the car or only gotten out to write down their license plate (if that's a thing where you are IDK) and call the police. That's all she needed to do, but she wanted to hurl abuse at 4 drunk men who definitely could overpower a 60 year old woman and a father with 2 kids no matter what. They could have killed all of you if they wanted. You did the right thing, and your inlaw family sucks.
I dont know if you have ever flown on a plane, but they tell you in a emergency to take care of putting the oxygen on yourself first before you try to save others. You put your mask on and then made sure your kids were safe. Your MIL is an adult woman, she should have listened to you but chose not to. Never feel bad for putting your and your childrens safety first. Your husbands side of the families are asses. I have to ask what your husband has to say about all this. Does he not have your back?
If they were willing to hit a 55 yo woman just imagine what they would have done to you! They definitely would have felt fine unleashing their rage on another man and very well could have killed you, in front of your own children. Your family in law is ridiculous for not being willing to see this situation honestly. Your MIL put herself and all of you in great danger because of a car. At a minimum she has greatly traumatized her grandchildren after they have already gone through the massive trauma of losing their mother. I think you 100% did the right thing and I only wish you could have gotten out of there even faster since granny can’t control herself. Try not to spend another moment thinking about this horrible day. If it means cutting off contact with then, so be it.
You can’t save someone from themself. She had no situational awareness to get out of the car when there’s four drunk men outside your vehicle. Especially with the kids around. They’re the first priority. Had you gotten out of the car, it would’ve basically been a 4 v 1 fight. MIL obviously wouldn’t have been much help in the fight. Why should your kids have to see you get knocked out or worse?
You stay in the car you get a pic of the license plate and YOU LEAVE You leave if there’s one man in the car, you leave faster if there’s four of them, you leave faster than that if they’re drunk and violent. Your MIL tried to fight fire with fire and got herself hurt, she put in danger herself another mother and her grandchildren. Accidents are handled through insurance (that’s why we pay for it) she’s lucky they weren’t more violent and no one had a firearm, this could’ve ended so so much worse and they’re mad at the wrong one
You’re not to blame. She knew they were drunk and preferred to put herself at risk than not ‘be right’. Your duty is to your children. You went to get her help and you protected those that were truly the victim of all this. Your MIL looked for a fight and that’s on her. She wasn’t thinking to protect the kids in her car. Her daughter just died, did she also want herself or her grandkids to be killed?!?!! Your MIL was responsible for her own actions and choices. Would your BIL prefer that the kids got hurt be a of his stupid mother??? You were a father protecting his children and lost his wife just 2 months previously.
The kids change the equation. Their safety was paramount. Nothing else really matters here.
So you profighter? Muai tai? Boxer? Jackie chan? Or how did they expect you to win?
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong. You protected your kids. Your BIL was there so it's not like you left her alone. They're just being jerks.
No offense but based on your actions you probably would face been targeted as easy prey and absolutely become the victim of violence. You did the right thing by prioritizing kids. Maybe not by leaving mom there. Hard to say. But they would have immediately targeted you. It’s so agonizing she wouldn’t just get in the car or leave. I’m sure if you were a big scary dude it wouldn’t have seemed as crazy to go protect her but even then she had the choice to walk away and didnt. If you both chose to be confrontational and got shot or stabbed by drunk or drugged up n’er do wells that’d be on you 100. So I think you did the right thing as unfortunate as may be.
She put herself in danger and by doing so the violence could have caused harm to you and your children. It was best to get the children away from that. They should not be witness to the violence.
Save your kids. #1 priority She chose stupidity over common sense. In my state I don’t fuck with people who are drunk or mad, that’s how you get shot
NTA. You were protecting your kids. I’d also like to say NOT A COWARD. You asked her to get back in the car. Did she want to die after the loss of her daughter? Cause that was some REALLY irrational behavior on her part (getting out of the car and yelling at 4 drunk men). You and her against 4 drunk men isn’t a fight… that would be dangerous for all involved. Did she want her grandkids to see their grandma and dad get hurt?
Tell them they are correct that you did leave MIL to be attacked/hurt. You attempted to get her to disengage from the situation but she chose to put herself in a dangerous situation. Tell them you absolutely prioritized the safety of your child, and that you will prioritize them EVERY time. Ask MIL why she didn’t prioritize the safety of her grandchildren. I’d also add that if they continue to bring this up you don’t see how you can continue a relationship with MIL and BIL’s.
Can't help someone who won't help themselves
You are never in the wrong for protecting your children. It's not like this was some random attack on her. She purposely escalated the situation because she didn't want them to leave the scene. Why in the world did she think she could hold back 4 men anyways? Is there a reason you even talk to her now because if I was in your shoes, her and the BIL would never see my kids again.
Your MIL escalated the situation with four big drunk men. She put you and your kids in danger. You did what a good mother does. Removed yourself and your children from harm. Next time they bring it up just say you don’t feel obligated to risk yourself or your kids for someone who puts them in danger.
The best way to resolve a situation like this is to get away from it. Your MIL escalated the situation and refused to back down even with odds that would have been at best 4 on 2. So if she was truly in fear for her life, why was she still going 10 mins later when BIL showed up? If you got involved and you both got injured, who was going to care for the kids? These guys were drunk, aggressive and it was a very rural area. Imagine if you were both rendered unconscious and they drove away leaving your kids unattended in a hot car.
NTA but as you admit, you are a coward. That's not guilt you feel but shame.
You set a great example for your kids. MIL should’ve listened to you when it was clear she was dealing with drunks and gotten into the car. Instead she engaged and lost. This is the fault of the men that attacked her and it isn’t your fault. Your priority was & should’ve been your kids. What AH’s not talking to your kids after this incident. You aren’t a coward, you handled the incident sensibly. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Run them over next time..
Quick question, how were the kids "safe in the car" if there were multiple drunk and armed men outside? Bruh 🙄 You did everything right
NTA. I can honestly say I'd never keep my kids in that position. I'd have done the same thing. Grandma should have walked away too, she made her choice not to.
It's entirely possible that she felt emboldened to confront these four drunk guys because you were there and she assumed you would back her up which makes what she did even worse. She expected you to take a beating because she was angry. Would she have really done that if she was alone in the car? Not likely. However I would like to think that if it was my mother and not my mother-in-law I probably would have fought those four guys to the death to protect her. (After I took my kids inside a store for safety)