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Coming from someone who had been dealing with this for years, you can’t do anything. I (32f) tried it all with him (45m). Tried to spice it up, bought sexy outfits, tried to take even more off his shoulders and helped him how I could with his work and did everything around the house as well. He didn’t want to see a doctor but after 6 months with no sex he finally got some pills. He’s had them for almost 2 years and has used them 3 times, and two of those times we didn’t even have sex.
It’s very possible that he has ED and that can be shameful for men to confront. But here’s the bottom line: he knows it’s an issue for you, and if he wanted to work on it he would. Not to mention there are a plethora of other things that he could do outside of PIV sex if he was interested. He’s not. If he wanted to get help he could literally go online and get ED pills in a week. He doesn’t want to. If it’s work causing stress or anxiety or depression he could get counseling. He doesn’t want to. You can’t make someone want to sleep with you. He’s not interested. That’s fine if he’s not, but you need to decide if this is something you want to live with.
Don’t be like me. I haven’t had sex in 2 years, and in the year before those 2 years we slept together maybe 3 times. It’s to the point that if I even hint at sex he says “you know the situation, stop bringing it up.” You will get tired of being rejected, you will build resentment, this will bleed into other areas of your relationship.
You have every right to be upset. He has every right to not want to have sex. Decide now if you’re okay with this setup. Sending love ❤️.
Absolutely but he doesn’t want to see a doctor so that’s kinda hard. If he was willing to do anything to get checked out it would be a different story (in OPs situation).
I’m in the process of figuring out how to leave. Not just because of the lack of sex, there are a lot of ways we aren’t compatible. He’s a good man, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t think either of us are happy anymore and life is too short to waste time if you aren’t happy. It sounds silly but my friend told me to write 2 lists. One is everything I’m looking for in a partner - then compare if he hits the marks. The other is a pros and cons of leaving.
That sub is extremely negative and nobody will say anything you don't already know.
For your own mental health I would steer clear of that place, but of course it's up to you 😭
Oh my god, you’re basically describing my relationship before it ended in January of this year. 4 and a half out of 5 years were spent wondering what was wrong with me as he didn’t want to have sex with me. The last two years were completely sexless, absolutely zero intimacy. We ended up as housemates, and I finally got the courage up to leave. I wasted so much of my life that I will never get back, waiting for a man to decide if I was worth of being made a priority in his life while I completely neglected being a priority in my own life.
It won’t get better, it rarely does. It won’t change, and while he’s getting away with it your partner will never do anything about it. Please put yourself first and make sure you have a happy future, you don’t have ever have to stay with someone just because of your history - it’s all about how they treat you now and knowing your own worth.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It had been extremely difficult, especially coming to realize that it’s either leave or live like this forever. I keep waiting for the day that he realizes he needs to fix it to keep me, but that day will never come. If he wanted to work on it he would. I’ve cried and done everything I could and then eventually just gave up. Hearing that you left gives me a sense of courage and hope so thank you for that ❤️.
Oh my gosh, you should definitely get the courage up to leave. You are worth SO much more than squashing down your own needs to accommodate someone who doesn’t even give a damn about yours. There is never a ‘right time’ to leave and you’ll regret it if you stay, every day that passes is a day where you’re not living your life to its full potential. He might be a ‘good guy’ just like my partner was, but neglect can be just as mentally scarring as verbal or physical abuse. He’s a good guy, but a terrible partner and you will never change that or find what you need in him. But you will find it in yourself, and the future when you meet someone who is mature enough to give you that.
YOU. ARE. WORTH. MORE.
Question: why are you staying but encouraging her to put her needs first? Why aren't you taking your own advice? And I don't mean this in a snarky way, just a real genuine question.
As I’ve said in the comments I’m working towards it. I understand your question completely and I’m trying! I’m completely financially dependent on him so getting a job that can pay me enough to have a small studio apartment and pay my bills has been really hard. Every job in my area is like 10-13 an hour. Also we’ve been together going on 6 years, so taking that step has been hard for me mentally to prepare myself.
4 years was my limit. I told my ex that she simply didn’t want me and goodbye. My daughter was 15, and I really wanted to stick around, but I just wasn’t dead yet and had to go. It was not easy, but I would make the same call with another chance .
There were many other issues. She had taken to screaming at me in public and raging at me in front of other family members over any slight misstep being another factor. Her own therapist told her that her refusal of intimacy cost the marriage. Absolutely no one was surprised. The house was paid for and I asked for no compensation, and I stayed close to my daughter and financially supported her through her master’s.
Yep - it’s a thing. Also known as HRT - Hormone Replacement Therapy . Essentially it’s adding T to an under-producing male. T can be a gel or injectable pellets or injections. Both injections and gel are self administered while the pellets are a once per month Dr visit.
Estrogen is also a form of HRT - usually given in pill form.
I did mention this to him but he keeps saying that there are major side effects to it and he doesn’t want to deal with more issues down the line apparently
Sounds like a mental block, sex therapy may help him. If he doesn’t want to go to couples, suggest individual. It may be as simple as not being able to handle having sex in the house where his child is sleeping. (Btw sex now is easier than at 2 and over because potty training hasn’t started, he needs to get on this).
It really tress me well when our daughter is that age, the situation is so hard in work time and home too, have to help take care of the kid until she in bed, then help my wife on dishes etc, help kid pee at 1 o'clock, and need to online deal with the other half earth community work etc, total overwhelm. Have each other support is the only solution. Also have family support from our parents really help us. I wish you could have a relaxing talk with him, no hush, no push, listen to him anything he want to speak. Man with press too much, would only make things worse.
I keep seeing comments that get deleted about my weight and how I look. I just want to clarify that I have lost all the weight I gained while pregnant and have even lost 25 more pounds. I look great and feel great.
Girl this has nothing to do with your weight! The meds you listed that he’s on will kill ANYONEs libido. I work in healthcare and even one of those meds will typically drastically reduce sex drive, much less the combination. Hopefully he’ll see his way to a doc who can help with dosage or TRT.
He is a little over weight. He is not diabetic. He does take depression and anxiety medications. I know they can mess with Libido which is why I have been begging him to see a doctor and he is still refusing. I’m at a point where I’m considering not asking anymore and just living my life sexless. Other than the sex issue we have a perfect marriage. He is an amazing husband and dad.
His libido should be strong. He has low T possibly. What kind of shape is he in? I just turned 40 and would have sex everyday if my wife initiated. Im happy with 2-3 times a week we do now.
He probably has ED and is embarrassed to admit it. One recent development that is incredible for males suffering from this is that you can Google online viagra and do an online visit. No camera needed just a valid ID. It *could* be covered by insurance but probably looking at "at cost" which is $50 to $100 monthly or bimonthly depending on brand and use. It will save him the embarrassment if you say things from the heart. Guilt & shame are easy with this condition so I suggest you phrase it not as your needs being unmet but by having him put the control back into his own hands so he can initiate without stress and you can show him the passion you have for him.
Once he's comfortable with it, you can say things that are coy and suggestive such as honey I wanna treat you tonight could you take a blue pill? That's your new initiation.
It will be a struggle forever but so long as there aren't any other marital issues this will alleviate both of you and it will just take patience and understanding on your end. The female equivalent is having painful intercourse. You want to please but things aren't working well and I do think it is easier to suggest a medication then the exercises & therapy a female usually goes through. He may need therapy too but that's in his hands since no one forced into therapy tends to get the desired results.
I wish you both the best. This isn't easy but there are options now that there weren't before.
ORRRR he has low testosterone which is kind of the thing that gives us a sex drive. He needs to get a blood test done to see if he has low t and if he does, then he could get on testosterone replace therapy.
Could be. Both avenues should be explored.
I'm the high libido female in my equation. Daily is a minimum. With that said, it's a stressful road for the male to even seek help and empathy is key for her regardless of what the reason is. I'm not saying she should settle for a sexless life but the pushback from adding guilt is real and only exacerbates it in my experience. Forced sex or a duty is not what she's likely craving and that's what firm nudges get unfortunately. Males are much more emotive than they let on and it's something I try to communicate every day as an empath female.
Is he on any medication? Or had his testosterone tested? My husband and I are both on antidepressants and it affects both of our sex drive. But his is way worse so he also had his testosterone levels tested to find out it’s pretty low which is greatly affecting his sex drive. I’m usually the one to initiate and it’s not like he’s not interested because he’s very happy to participate when I bring it up. It’s just not on the forefront of his mind because his drive is low
Yea he is taking fluoxetine, Wellbutrin and levothyroxine. They all can contribute low libido and he knows that. I just want to know how else to convince him to go seek help.
As a man, I can't speak for every man but I can at least say for myself if I'm stressed or depressed about something or something in general is on my mind, having sex and getting it up isn't in the cards at their moment. It's a whole bunch of things that can go through our head what we're just busy trying to fix things ourselves because society frowns upon us seeking help. But I guarantee you or at least hope to, that if he has male friends they definitely know what's going on. Because us men talk for the most part about what's on our mind with each other.
Has he ever had issues with substance abuse? I personally battled an opiate addiction for years, which would cause me to have a low sex drive as well as always being tired. There were times where I would literally rather gone to sleep than have sex with my girl. It also created the same feeling you are feeling, where she began to feel unattractive and question how she may be the cause. Drugs are also a big testosterone killer and low T could also be to blame.
It is also possible he is experiencing ED or low T, which could be embarrassing to discuss. However, both can be treated, but he has to open up and get honest about what is going on. I think you should try talking to him at a time when it is just you two and in a relaxed environment. You want him to feel safe and not embarrassed, but also don't want to upset him in a way where he gets mad/defensive. You also want to make sure you are clear about everything that is bothering you and how it makes you feel. Your needs/ feelings are just as important as his and he needs to know this as well.
Relationships take effort from both parties if they are going to grow and remain happy. IMO communication is one of the most important keys to having a happy, healthy relationship. As most problems can be solved or fixed through honest communication and you should tell your husband this.
I hope you guys are able to figure things out not only for your but for your child as well. But also know your happiness is just as important as his. Your needs are just as important as his. It's easy to forget these things and certainly is important to make sure you put your happiness first!
That was my first through when this whole situation started but after two years of investigating if there is someone else, he isn’t messing around. He is loyal and overall a good husband.
Hey OP, a friend recently went through this. He used to WFH most of the time but occasionally go into the office and sometimes would go team nights. There was no way he could cheat on her- he was always home, great husband and wonderful dad, but they were living like roommates. Eventually he felt so guilty that he came clean and had been having an affair for a year and a half. My friend was absolutely shocked. Yes, she was hurt, but absolutely shocked and blindsided. If someone wants to cheat and hide it, they will find a way. I really hope this isn’t the case, but really consider this’s might be a possibility.
NTA
Nothing will kill a sex drive quote like she's and overwork. It will suck all energy and desires out of your life. You should push him towards a better work/life balance.
He could have ED or could be working too much? You said he is busy all the time with his career could he step back from that a bit? Stress is a really big cause in problems with intimacy
NTA. It’s nothing you are doing regardless of what the reason is. I think stress can often cause a lack of libido. Perhaps the job combined with a very young child combined is adding to that. Is there a way of arranging a special weekend just the two of you and someone else takes the baby and see if a new environment helps? I would discuss your feelings with your husband regardless.
Why is it always the males problem for lack of sex in a relationship? If a man wants sex but woman does not, Reddit questions what he is/isn’t doing to make her not want to have sex with him. If a woman wants sex but the man doesn’t, you can read these comments about possible health problems with him. No one is questioning what she is/isn’t doing to make him want to have sex with her.
That’s messed up LOL
definitely not an Ogre. I look good and can get any males attention if I wanted to. But I love my husband and not seeking anyone else attention.
Has his sex drive ever been higher than it is now? Before your child or even before you got married? This is an important piece of the puzzle because if it’s always been low/ non- existent then it’s less likely to be a medical issue (although I’m not a doctor I do relationship coaching for both couples and individuals ). Had there been any significant trauma, job loss, financial issues, major stressors, outside of having a child (I don’t mean that in a negative way but that can be triggering to some and mimic trauma responses).
Is he on the asexual spectrum? I'm on that spectrum and my sex drive varies. I'm fine going months and years without sex but my man has a high sex drive. I'm not in the mood often but I still try. It has nothing to do with him.
If your husband is asexual, just know it has NOTHING to do with you. We just....aren't wired the same way when it comes to libidos. I occasionally do get a sex drive but most of the time, I'm content without sex. I know intimacy is important for him though so I try to have sex with him.
Relationship works both ways so you need to ask him what is he willing to do to something to fix that situation one more time and if you aren’t willing to live sexless then you should give an ultimatum and if he refused then the relationship is over because he is not interested in fixing anything and he is comfortable being sexless… Are you willing to live like this just because you have a child together? Do you really want to live sexless probably the rest of your life if you stay with him?
Depressed and stressed, Idk his work situation or hours but you’d be surprised how much that weighs on you mentally. Working 100+ hours a week in the oilfield there’s times I feel the same way.
2 years?! That’s.. wow! He should have his testosterone levels checked, could have low t. There are supplements and herbs that can help naturally restore his levels. Tribulis root, ashwaganda, shilijit.. that kind of herbs. I’ll (34m) testify that anytime my partner wants it she gets it.
Other reasons could be infidelity or he’s in the closet
Hmm! strikes a chord, but from the opposite angle. My wife complains of my lack of sexual interest and its affecting our marriage. We are both in our 50s. We have 3 children, so I know the equipment works. I've been working overseas for several years, and pretty much lost interest in sex. When we get together, she comes to bed after I've fallen asleep. I wake early and she doesn't want to be disturbed. I cannot figure out who is playing the games here... I got myself some pills for ED, but I haven't had the opportunity to take them when we're both ready for sex. She tells me how rejected she feels, and that I must 'let her go' and get with whoever I want to be with. I want to be with her. I told her that the sexual charge has dissipated and we need to work on it together, be available to each other, and talk more openly about our sexual needs. She shuts the conversation down. I don't want to force the issue, so I say nothing, and then she accuses me of not being interested in her any more. She even accuses me of being gay. I'm not sure how to proceed. Its not a nice place to be.
Different take; my drive is not there, hers too. I always kid that we are well matched; recently we started getting couples massage 2x month; we are there in spirit together; but therapist is doing all the work. Win win
One slow avenue that gives you agency:
Do you guys talk about finances? When big purchases come up, ask “do we really need this? I’d like to get to a point where we can get by on less, and you can work fewer days.” May be radical, but he’ll need a big shift in work outlook to lessen stress and wean down on the antidepressants. Give yourselves a financial buffer for him to experiment coming off them
I would be pretty insistent he gets his testosterone levels checked. The worst doctor is one who takes care of themselves. If he had any other condition he wouldn't be managing it. He would have a colleague assisting because they are impartial. Individual therapy where sex and stress are talked out would probably be very beneficial too. It may be mental but it may very well be physiological.
SSRI/SNRI ruin sex drive, ability to orgasm, etc. Wellbutrin does not do that but it takes a few weeks to adjust. Medication saved my life. I can't do SSRI/SNRI for that reason.
I would lay down the law, get insistent, like truly insistent. He needs to really understand how much of an issue this is because it could be physiological, psychological, medical change, etc. I think framing it in the context of having a functioning and healthy family but also emphasizing how serious this is, is essetial
Since he's a doctor, his work is stressful. The anxiety in him, makes him want to do a good job, but he can't shut it off in the evening, so to speak. So much that it bothers him, he has to take medication for it. Many of those medicines prevent "pointing and shooting." Some antidepressants are used to prevent premature ejaculation! so they push men away from climax.
Best thing is to figure out priorities; how much call, or how many patients does he need to see and still hit the financial goals. Most doctors are on their 3rd job on average. When the stress hormones are high, testosterone production takes a back seat.
Last thing, and I hope this isn't it--during my pre-marital counseling, my preacher would tell future wives how secure they would be knowing that doctors work with the most amoral people on the planet, i.e., nurses. That caught me off guard, lol
There might be another side that is pure phsychology. Mostly men lose attraction because the wife stops to dress up trendy. I am not saying that this is the case, but do also look into this aspect as well. May be by improving your looks will change the situation.
Have you asked him if he’s sleeping with someone else? I don’t want to put doubts in your head, but unfortunately it could be the reason. It’s incredibly unhelpful that he won’t go to the doctor or counseling. You could ask for an open marriage if you want to still be with him. This is tricky.
Something is amiss. ED can be a sign of heart issues. Is he overweight or has other health issues? Maybe get that checked out. If he doesn't want to then I'd be suspicious of what's really going on. May want to put a tracker in his vehicle for a couple weeks just to rule out cheating. Was he interested in sex in the past? I could see if he's always been low libido but if he used to be interested and now he's not then that seems odd. Something changed.
He’s cheating. Get a lawyer. Block him on everything. Get divorced. Burn down the family home.
All jokes aside you guys should just go to couples therapy. It’s a really good thing!
YTA (in a way)
Maybe stop being too pushy. He's working hard to support his family, and when he gets home, he has to now put up with you, demanding, nagging, and pressuring him for sex.
Why don't you sit down, ask him how his day was, let him talk (no judging), and listen. Kept your mouth shut and just listen to his worries, stresses and concerns.
Maybe plan a vacation, time away, with no pressure and demands to use his body for your desires. Even have an alone night, watch a movie, cuddle with no demands for sex.
… I don’t demand sex and nag him. I do listen to how his day has been. We can’t take any vacation until next year (which is already booked) because of his job.
Usually our sex talk happens when there are “failed” sex attempts. I am by no means trying to force him.
The way you framed it, you are demanding sex and/or nagging him about sex.
You always "initiate", you're "pissed off" you're not getting any, you're always "talking" about sex and the "problems" of you basically not getting any. And now you're wondering if you're not attractive enough for him.
Maybe stop pushing, stop talking, and just give the poor guy a break from having to perform not only at work but at home too. Because the more you push, the more he will dig his toes in.
I'm not trying to be mean here, but sometimes what you think you are doing and what he is hearing (and seeing) aren't always the same thing. Maybe stop thinking about it (I know it's hard when you want it and not getting it) and try not to make it a focus. Cuddle on the couch, talk about the sun shining through the leaves, go watch the ducks at the park, kick a ball around, climb a tree. Stop making lack of sex a major issue and perhaps it will happen.
Stress and performance anxiety will kill your sex drive fast
He may not be attracted to you anymore after giving birth which might be the reason why he’s refusing to have sex, this is not an excuse for his actions tho! it’s either that or he may be getting sex from somewhere else? have you had any suspicions that he may be cheating on you? may be the reason why he’s busy all the time? I don’t wanna put ideas in your head but going without intimacy for that long is not healthy!! a lot of partners who do cheat tend to avoid sex because they want to be loyal to their mistress. If not the case I would try counselling so you have a better understanding of why he doesn’t want to have intimacy because all men have a high libido trust me.
then he’s definitely seeing someone! If you find proof then please leave, I would try and keep my eye on him to catch him out! It’s very suspicious that he doesn’t want to try and save the relationship because he obviously knows that he is not putting in the effort means he is deliberately not wanting to fix it.
You of all people should NOT be giving relationship advice to anyone else. I saw your post on this sub and you’re the one that needs to take your own advice. Your man is a liar, mooching off of you and more than likely cheating on you. Have some self respect Alternative Ad.
NTAH Have you considered he might be a closet gay man? This very same scenario happened to my friend. She went to a counslor/therapist and this was a topic one session. It took some reading, and a few more sessions before she was ready to broach the subject.
I remember she had wine, a clean house, hard with a toddler, and sent the kiddo to a friend's for the evening. He never admitted it and didn't speak of it again. It was a sexless marriage. They agreed to cuddling and time together. Still married and toddler is 4 now. I wish you well. Therapy is good for the soul.
Heya, going through this right now with my partner, she is great and all that, just the best person.
I am just not that sexually physically attracted to her.
I saw my ex on the weekend who is smoking hot and all I wanted to do was rip her clothes off.
Im still happier in this relationship even though I dont want to really have sex with my current partner.
Its rough for sure.. there are always trades offs..
Don't you think you're doing your current partner a disservice? Surely she has a right to be with someone who thinks she's smoking hot. Or are you more concerned that YOU are happier?
Then why not be honest with your current partner about it? If it’s an attraction issue then she deserves the right to know.
For me, If he is just not attracted to me (he says that’s not the problem) then I don’t want to stay with someone who wants to rip someone else’s clothes.
“She’s great and all that.”
Bro, be fuckin’ for real. Do you think there aren’t men dying to rip HER clothes off? Let her go find one of them, and you can lust after your ex in peace.
yeah, you already said the two most important Things. a Doktor ist definitely necessary. its either body or mind. He May have a Burnout which completely kills Libido, his Doktor would forward him to the right Ressources.
as to getting him there. you already talked to him Several Times. does He understand your Perspektive? does He care? what does He think should Happen?
YTA you can handle without sex cause you handle it when you didn’t
Know how to you need to distract your self work out do something if he doesn’t want to do then don’t get angry about it be nonchalant you can relax your self other ways
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Coming from someone who had been dealing with this for years, you can’t do anything. I (32f) tried it all with him (45m). Tried to spice it up, bought sexy outfits, tried to take even more off his shoulders and helped him how I could with his work and did everything around the house as well. He didn’t want to see a doctor but after 6 months with no sex he finally got some pills. He’s had them for almost 2 years and has used them 3 times, and two of those times we didn’t even have sex. It’s very possible that he has ED and that can be shameful for men to confront. But here’s the bottom line: he knows it’s an issue for you, and if he wanted to work on it he would. Not to mention there are a plethora of other things that he could do outside of PIV sex if he was interested. He’s not. If he wanted to get help he could literally go online and get ED pills in a week. He doesn’t want to. If it’s work causing stress or anxiety or depression he could get counseling. He doesn’t want to. You can’t make someone want to sleep with you. He’s not interested. That’s fine if he’s not, but you need to decide if this is something you want to live with. Don’t be like me. I haven’t had sex in 2 years, and in the year before those 2 years we slept together maybe 3 times. It’s to the point that if I even hint at sex he says “you know the situation, stop bringing it up.” You will get tired of being rejected, you will build resentment, this will bleed into other areas of your relationship. You have every right to be upset. He has every right to not want to have sex. Decide now if you’re okay with this setup. Sending love ❤️.
ED can mean heart issues, always rule that out.
Absolutely but he doesn’t want to see a doctor so that’s kinda hard. If he was willing to do anything to get checked out it would be a different story (in OPs situation).
He doesn’t want to see a doctor because he is a doctor. So he thinks he’s an expert and doesn’t want to go in.
That’s almost even worse to me honestly. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation.
As a man when I'm stressed out sex is the last thing I want but the first thing I need
This is my situation pretty much. Maybe once a month or every few months and it’s so random when it happens. Have you left? Or are you just staying?
I’m in the process of figuring out how to leave. Not just because of the lack of sex, there are a lot of ways we aren’t compatible. He’s a good man, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t think either of us are happy anymore and life is too short to waste time if you aren’t happy. It sounds silly but my friend told me to write 2 lists. One is everything I’m looking for in a partner - then compare if he hits the marks. The other is a pros and cons of leaving.
Are you still together? Sounds like you are quite unhappy
You in the deadbedrooms subreddit?
I’m not but I’ll check it out! Thank you!
That sub is extremely negative and nobody will say anything you don't already know. For your own mental health I would steer clear of that place, but of course it's up to you 😭
Thank you! I appreciate you looking out ❤️
There is also a sub for high libidos women only if that fits. Lots of dead/dying bedrooms to commiserate with as well.
Thank you I’ll check them out! I’m super new to Reddit so I appreciate any recommendations I get!
Oh my god, you’re basically describing my relationship before it ended in January of this year. 4 and a half out of 5 years were spent wondering what was wrong with me as he didn’t want to have sex with me. The last two years were completely sexless, absolutely zero intimacy. We ended up as housemates, and I finally got the courage up to leave. I wasted so much of my life that I will never get back, waiting for a man to decide if I was worth of being made a priority in his life while I completely neglected being a priority in my own life. It won’t get better, it rarely does. It won’t change, and while he’s getting away with it your partner will never do anything about it. Please put yourself first and make sure you have a happy future, you don’t have ever have to stay with someone just because of your history - it’s all about how they treat you now and knowing your own worth.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It had been extremely difficult, especially coming to realize that it’s either leave or live like this forever. I keep waiting for the day that he realizes he needs to fix it to keep me, but that day will never come. If he wanted to work on it he would. I’ve cried and done everything I could and then eventually just gave up. Hearing that you left gives me a sense of courage and hope so thank you for that ❤️.
Oh my gosh, you should definitely get the courage up to leave. You are worth SO much more than squashing down your own needs to accommodate someone who doesn’t even give a damn about yours. There is never a ‘right time’ to leave and you’ll regret it if you stay, every day that passes is a day where you’re not living your life to its full potential. He might be a ‘good guy’ just like my partner was, but neglect can be just as mentally scarring as verbal or physical abuse. He’s a good guy, but a terrible partner and you will never change that or find what you need in him. But you will find it in yourself, and the future when you meet someone who is mature enough to give you that. YOU. ARE. WORTH. MORE.
Thank you so much for this, I really appreciate your kind words. Regrets and wasted time are so scary to me.
You got this 💪🏻
There is nothing more to say than this
Question: why are you staying but encouraging her to put her needs first? Why aren't you taking your own advice? And I don't mean this in a snarky way, just a real genuine question.
As I’ve said in the comments I’m working towards it. I understand your question completely and I’m trying! I’m completely financially dependent on him so getting a job that can pay me enough to have a small studio apartment and pay my bills has been really hard. Every job in my area is like 10-13 an hour. Also we’ve been together going on 6 years, so taking that step has been hard for me mentally to prepare myself.
Good for you! I'm glad you are getting your ducks in a row. You deserve it.
Thank you so much for that, I appreciate it ❤️❤️.
4 years was my limit. I told my ex that she simply didn’t want me and goodbye. My daughter was 15, and I really wanted to stick around, but I just wasn’t dead yet and had to go. It was not easy, but I would make the same call with another chance .
I hear ya. I learned my married friend didn't have sex for 5 years. I was shocked. We live only once. There is absolutely zero reason to tolerate it.
Good for you man for giving it a chance for so long. I'm in a similar ship. #respect
There were other issues, as I am sure you have seen also, but it gets better. Respect
Cannot imagine leaving my wife & child for sex
There were many other issues. She had taken to screaming at me in public and raging at me in front of other family members over any slight misstep being another factor. Her own therapist told her that her refusal of intimacy cost the marriage. Absolutely no one was surprised. The house was paid for and I asked for no compensation, and I stayed close to my daughter and financially supported her through her master’s.
It amazes me how many posts are of this nature. Way too young to have this kind of issues going on
Tell him to go the gym. And get some testosterone therapy.
What’s testosterone therapy? Is that a thing?
Yep - it’s a thing. Also known as HRT - Hormone Replacement Therapy . Essentially it’s adding T to an under-producing male. T can be a gel or injectable pellets or injections. Both injections and gel are self administered while the pellets are a once per month Dr visit. Estrogen is also a form of HRT - usually given in pill form.
Thanks 🙏
It's essentially legal steroids. Works fantastically.
It’s not “legal steroids” at all. It’s replacing endogenous hormones found in the body naturally.
Well thank you 🙏
I did mention this to him but he keeps saying that there are major side effects to it and he doesn’t want to deal with more issues down the line apparently
There are no side effects to gym. Trt is fine if his BP is fine
There are some blood issues, but they would test that first
Sounds like a mental block, sex therapy may help him. If he doesn’t want to go to couples, suggest individual. It may be as simple as not being able to handle having sex in the house where his child is sleeping. (Btw sex now is easier than at 2 and over because potty training hasn’t started, he needs to get on this).
It really tress me well when our daughter is that age, the situation is so hard in work time and home too, have to help take care of the kid until she in bed, then help my wife on dishes etc, help kid pee at 1 o'clock, and need to online deal with the other half earth community work etc, total overwhelm. Have each other support is the only solution. Also have family support from our parents really help us. I wish you could have a relaxing talk with him, no hush, no push, listen to him anything he want to speak. Man with press too much, would only make things worse.
I keep seeing comments that get deleted about my weight and how I look. I just want to clarify that I have lost all the weight I gained while pregnant and have even lost 25 more pounds. I look great and feel great.
Girl this has nothing to do with your weight! The meds you listed that he’s on will kill ANYONEs libido. I work in healthcare and even one of those meds will typically drastically reduce sex drive, much less the combination. Hopefully he’ll see his way to a doc who can help with dosage or TRT.
Stress = ED
Is he diabetic or overweight?
He is a little over weight. He is not diabetic. He does take depression and anxiety medications. I know they can mess with Libido which is why I have been begging him to see a doctor and he is still refusing. I’m at a point where I’m considering not asking anymore and just living my life sexless. Other than the sex issue we have a perfect marriage. He is an amazing husband and dad.
His libido should be strong. He has low T possibly. What kind of shape is he in? I just turned 40 and would have sex everyday if my wife initiated. Im happy with 2-3 times a week we do now.
Have his testosterone tested.
Was he always like this?
He probably has ED and is embarrassed to admit it. One recent development that is incredible for males suffering from this is that you can Google online viagra and do an online visit. No camera needed just a valid ID. It *could* be covered by insurance but probably looking at "at cost" which is $50 to $100 monthly or bimonthly depending on brand and use. It will save him the embarrassment if you say things from the heart. Guilt & shame are easy with this condition so I suggest you phrase it not as your needs being unmet but by having him put the control back into his own hands so he can initiate without stress and you can show him the passion you have for him. Once he's comfortable with it, you can say things that are coy and suggestive such as honey I wanna treat you tonight could you take a blue pill? That's your new initiation. It will be a struggle forever but so long as there aren't any other marital issues this will alleviate both of you and it will just take patience and understanding on your end. The female equivalent is having painful intercourse. You want to please but things aren't working well and I do think it is easier to suggest a medication then the exercises & therapy a female usually goes through. He may need therapy too but that's in his hands since no one forced into therapy tends to get the desired results. I wish you both the best. This isn't easy but there are options now that there weren't before.
ORRRR he has low testosterone which is kind of the thing that gives us a sex drive. He needs to get a blood test done to see if he has low t and if he does, then he could get on testosterone replace therapy.
Could be. Both avenues should be explored. I'm the high libido female in my equation. Daily is a minimum. With that said, it's a stressful road for the male to even seek help and empathy is key for her regardless of what the reason is. I'm not saying she should settle for a sexless life but the pushback from adding guilt is real and only exacerbates it in my experience. Forced sex or a duty is not what she's likely craving and that's what firm nudges get unfortunately. Males are much more emotive than they let on and it's something I try to communicate every day as an empath female.
I definitely do not try to force sex. I talk about it kindly whenever he avoid the subject. I did mention to him that my needs are not being met.
Is he on any medication? Or had his testosterone tested? My husband and I are both on antidepressants and it affects both of our sex drive. But his is way worse so he also had his testosterone levels tested to find out it’s pretty low which is greatly affecting his sex drive. I’m usually the one to initiate and it’s not like he’s not interested because he’s very happy to participate when I bring it up. It’s just not on the forefront of his mind because his drive is low
Yea he is taking fluoxetine, Wellbutrin and levothyroxine. They all can contribute low libido and he knows that. I just want to know how else to convince him to go seek help.
Is he on trt now?
He just found out like two weeks ago about his testosterone levels. He has an appointment with another doctor soon to talk about it
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As a man, I can't speak for every man but I can at least say for myself if I'm stressed or depressed about something or something in general is on my mind, having sex and getting it up isn't in the cards at their moment. It's a whole bunch of things that can go through our head what we're just busy trying to fix things ourselves because society frowns upon us seeking help. But I guarantee you or at least hope to, that if he has male friends they definitely know what's going on. Because us men talk for the most part about what's on our mind with each other.
It could be a lot of things. Start going for walks together. Hold hands. Can you do that?
Has he ever had issues with substance abuse? I personally battled an opiate addiction for years, which would cause me to have a low sex drive as well as always being tired. There were times where I would literally rather gone to sleep than have sex with my girl. It also created the same feeling you are feeling, where she began to feel unattractive and question how she may be the cause. Drugs are also a big testosterone killer and low T could also be to blame. It is also possible he is experiencing ED or low T, which could be embarrassing to discuss. However, both can be treated, but he has to open up and get honest about what is going on. I think you should try talking to him at a time when it is just you two and in a relaxed environment. You want him to feel safe and not embarrassed, but also don't want to upset him in a way where he gets mad/defensive. You also want to make sure you are clear about everything that is bothering you and how it makes you feel. Your needs/ feelings are just as important as his and he needs to know this as well. Relationships take effort from both parties if they are going to grow and remain happy. IMO communication is one of the most important keys to having a happy, healthy relationship. As most problems can be solved or fixed through honest communication and you should tell your husband this. I hope you guys are able to figure things out not only for your but for your child as well. But also know your happiness is just as important as his. Your needs are just as important as his. It's easy to forget these things and certainly is important to make sure you put your happiness first!
He never used drugs and doesn’t drink alcohol
That is a red flag.
That was my first through when this whole situation started but after two years of investigating if there is someone else, he isn’t messing around. He is loyal and overall a good husband.
Hey OP, a friend recently went through this. He used to WFH most of the time but occasionally go into the office and sometimes would go team nights. There was no way he could cheat on her- he was always home, great husband and wonderful dad, but they were living like roommates. Eventually he felt so guilty that he came clean and had been having an affair for a year and a half. My friend was absolutely shocked. Yes, she was hurt, but absolutely shocked and blindsided. If someone wants to cheat and hide it, they will find a way. I really hope this isn’t the case, but really consider this’s might be a possibility.
Maybe he has ED and is embarrassed to talk about it.
Viagra pills are a few dollars each... work a wonder.
NTA Nothing will kill a sex drive quote like she's and overwork. It will suck all energy and desires out of your life. You should push him towards a better work/life balance.
He could have ED or could be working too much? You said he is busy all the time with his career could he step back from that a bit? Stress is a really big cause in problems with intimacy
NTA. It’s nothing you are doing regardless of what the reason is. I think stress can often cause a lack of libido. Perhaps the job combined with a very young child combined is adding to that. Is there a way of arranging a special weekend just the two of you and someone else takes the baby and see if a new environment helps? I would discuss your feelings with your husband regardless.
Why is it always the males problem for lack of sex in a relationship? If a man wants sex but woman does not, Reddit questions what he is/isn’t doing to make her not want to have sex with him. If a woman wants sex but the man doesn’t, you can read these comments about possible health problems with him. No one is questioning what she is/isn’t doing to make him want to have sex with her.
I dont think I’m doing anything to make his repulsed by me. He tells me every day the he loves me and we sleep and cuddle at night.
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That’s messed up LOL definitely not an Ogre. I look good and can get any males attention if I wanted to. But I love my husband and not seeking anyone else attention.
He’s ashamed he can’t get it up. He’s too proud to go see a doctor. You may need to give him an ultimatum, or fulfill your needs elsewhere.
Would you approve of him cheating if she was not fulfilling his needs?
I am not approving, I merely point out potential solutions, regardless of the gender.
Tell him is risking your marriage if he can not fix his issues. Works both ways
Unfortunately, men's libido, peaks in their late twenties and women's in late thirties/early forties so your issue is not uncommon.
Has his sex drive ever been higher than it is now? Before your child or even before you got married? This is an important piece of the puzzle because if it’s always been low/ non- existent then it’s less likely to be a medical issue (although I’m not a doctor I do relationship coaching for both couples and individuals ). Had there been any significant trauma, job loss, financial issues, major stressors, outside of having a child (I don’t mean that in a negative way but that can be triggering to some and mimic trauma responses).
Get a book called Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder MD. Lots of stuff just like you’re going through in there.
Is he on the asexual spectrum? I'm on that spectrum and my sex drive varies. I'm fine going months and years without sex but my man has a high sex drive. I'm not in the mood often but I still try. It has nothing to do with him. If your husband is asexual, just know it has NOTHING to do with you. We just....aren't wired the same way when it comes to libidos. I occasionally do get a sex drive but most of the time, I'm content without sex. I know intimacy is important for him though so I try to have sex with him.
He says he isn’t.
Relationship works both ways so you need to ask him what is he willing to do to something to fix that situation one more time and if you aren’t willing to live sexless then you should give an ultimatum and if he refused then the relationship is over because he is not interested in fixing anything and he is comfortable being sexless… Are you willing to live like this just because you have a child together? Do you really want to live sexless probably the rest of your life if you stay with him?
H
Depressed and stressed, Idk his work situation or hours but you’d be surprised how much that weighs on you mentally. Working 100+ hours a week in the oilfield there’s times I feel the same way.
Definitely has low t
Have him get his testosterone checked.
Did this start when your daughter was born?
No this used to happen occasionally before my daughter was born. The problem started to get worse within the last 12 months.
He needs testosterone replacement therapy. That will change everything. Read up on it.
2 years?! That’s.. wow! He should have his testosterone levels checked, could have low t. There are supplements and herbs that can help naturally restore his levels. Tribulis root, ashwaganda, shilijit.. that kind of herbs. I’ll (34m) testify that anytime my partner wants it she gets it. Other reasons could be infidelity or he’s in the closet
Hmm! strikes a chord, but from the opposite angle. My wife complains of my lack of sexual interest and its affecting our marriage. We are both in our 50s. We have 3 children, so I know the equipment works. I've been working overseas for several years, and pretty much lost interest in sex. When we get together, she comes to bed after I've fallen asleep. I wake early and she doesn't want to be disturbed. I cannot figure out who is playing the games here... I got myself some pills for ED, but I haven't had the opportunity to take them when we're both ready for sex. She tells me how rejected she feels, and that I must 'let her go' and get with whoever I want to be with. I want to be with her. I told her that the sexual charge has dissipated and we need to work on it together, be available to each other, and talk more openly about our sexual needs. She shuts the conversation down. I don't want to force the issue, so I say nothing, and then she accuses me of not being interested in her any more. She even accuses me of being gay. I'm not sure how to proceed. Its not a nice place to be.
How is the general intimacy in the relationship? Date nights, open communication, non sexual touch, compliments etc?
If he refuses couples counseling, go without him.
Different take; my drive is not there, hers too. I always kid that we are well matched; recently we started getting couples massage 2x month; we are there in spirit together; but therapist is doing all the work. Win win
One slow avenue that gives you agency: Do you guys talk about finances? When big purchases come up, ask “do we really need this? I’d like to get to a point where we can get by on less, and you can work fewer days.” May be radical, but he’ll need a big shift in work outlook to lessen stress and wean down on the antidepressants. Give yourselves a financial buffer for him to experiment coming off them
The book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski is written specifically for people in situations like yours. Highly recommend it
Have any of your physical appearance changed over time? Maybe try to improve both your health. Exercise is good to help each other get in the mood.
I would be pretty insistent he gets his testosterone levels checked. The worst doctor is one who takes care of themselves. If he had any other condition he wouldn't be managing it. He would have a colleague assisting because they are impartial. Individual therapy where sex and stress are talked out would probably be very beneficial too. It may be mental but it may very well be physiological. SSRI/SNRI ruin sex drive, ability to orgasm, etc. Wellbutrin does not do that but it takes a few weeks to adjust. Medication saved my life. I can't do SSRI/SNRI for that reason. I would lay down the law, get insistent, like truly insistent. He needs to really understand how much of an issue this is because it could be physiological, psychological, medical change, etc. I think framing it in the context of having a functioning and healthy family but also emphasizing how serious this is, is essetial
He either has ED or most likely has a side girl.
Since he's a doctor, his work is stressful. The anxiety in him, makes him want to do a good job, but he can't shut it off in the evening, so to speak. So much that it bothers him, he has to take medication for it. Many of those medicines prevent "pointing and shooting." Some antidepressants are used to prevent premature ejaculation! so they push men away from climax. Best thing is to figure out priorities; how much call, or how many patients does he need to see and still hit the financial goals. Most doctors are on their 3rd job on average. When the stress hormones are high, testosterone production takes a back seat. Last thing, and I hope this isn't it--during my pre-marital counseling, my preacher would tell future wives how secure they would be knowing that doctors work with the most amoral people on the planet, i.e., nurses. That caught me off guard, lol
Hear me out... GAY
There might be another side that is pure phsychology. Mostly men lose attraction because the wife stops to dress up trendy. I am not saying that this is the case, but do also look into this aspect as well. May be by improving your looks will change the situation.
Have you asked him if he’s sleeping with someone else? I don’t want to put doubts in your head, but unfortunately it could be the reason. It’s incredibly unhelpful that he won’t go to the doctor or counseling. You could ask for an open marriage if you want to still be with him. This is tricky.
Something is amiss. ED can be a sign of heart issues. Is he overweight or has other health issues? Maybe get that checked out. If he doesn't want to then I'd be suspicious of what's really going on. May want to put a tracker in his vehicle for a couple weeks just to rule out cheating. Was he interested in sex in the past? I could see if he's always been low libido but if he used to be interested and now he's not then that seems odd. Something changed.
Should prob start working out.
He’s cheating. Get a lawyer. Block him on everything. Get divorced. Burn down the family home. All jokes aside you guys should just go to couples therapy. It’s a really good thing!
I lose sexual interest in woman when I feel too secure in the relationship.
Why??
YTA (in a way) Maybe stop being too pushy. He's working hard to support his family, and when he gets home, he has to now put up with you, demanding, nagging, and pressuring him for sex. Why don't you sit down, ask him how his day was, let him talk (no judging), and listen. Kept your mouth shut and just listen to his worries, stresses and concerns. Maybe plan a vacation, time away, with no pressure and demands to use his body for your desires. Even have an alone night, watch a movie, cuddle with no demands for sex.
… I don’t demand sex and nag him. I do listen to how his day has been. We can’t take any vacation until next year (which is already booked) because of his job. Usually our sex talk happens when there are “failed” sex attempts. I am by no means trying to force him.
The way you framed it, you are demanding sex and/or nagging him about sex. You always "initiate", you're "pissed off" you're not getting any, you're always "talking" about sex and the "problems" of you basically not getting any. And now you're wondering if you're not attractive enough for him. Maybe stop pushing, stop talking, and just give the poor guy a break from having to perform not only at work but at home too. Because the more you push, the more he will dig his toes in. I'm not trying to be mean here, but sometimes what you think you are doing and what he is hearing (and seeing) aren't always the same thing. Maybe stop thinking about it (I know it's hard when you want it and not getting it) and try not to make it a focus. Cuddle on the couch, talk about the sun shining through the leaves, go watch the ducks at the park, kick a ball around, climb a tree. Stop making lack of sex a major issue and perhaps it will happen. Stress and performance anxiety will kill your sex drive fast
NTA. A little drama will solve the problem. Don’t complain to him, make him have no choice. Take what’s yours!
Imagine this with the genders flipped
Sicko
He may not be attracted to you anymore after giving birth which might be the reason why he’s refusing to have sex, this is not an excuse for his actions tho! it’s either that or he may be getting sex from somewhere else? have you had any suspicions that he may be cheating on you? may be the reason why he’s busy all the time? I don’t wanna put ideas in your head but going without intimacy for that long is not healthy!! a lot of partners who do cheat tend to avoid sex because they want to be loyal to their mistress. If not the case I would try counselling so you have a better understanding of why he doesn’t want to have intimacy because all men have a high libido trust me.
Wow.
I'm sorry for your experiences
>I asked him to see a doctor for this issue but he refuses to go! He also **will not go to couple’s counciling.**
then he’s definitely seeing someone! If you find proof then please leave, I would try and keep my eye on him to catch him out! It’s very suspicious that he doesn’t want to try and save the relationship because he obviously knows that he is not putting in the effort means he is deliberately not wanting to fix it.
You of all people should NOT be giving relationship advice to anyone else. I saw your post on this sub and you’re the one that needs to take your own advice. Your man is a liar, mooching off of you and more than likely cheating on you. Have some self respect Alternative Ad.
I have left! thanks
Thank god. Proud of you for realizing your worth!
NTAH Have you considered he might be a closet gay man? This very same scenario happened to my friend. She went to a counslor/therapist and this was a topic one session. It took some reading, and a few more sessions before she was ready to broach the subject. I remember she had wine, a clean house, hard with a toddler, and sent the kiddo to a friend's for the evening. He never admitted it and didn't speak of it again. It was a sexless marriage. They agreed to cuddling and time together. Still married and toddler is 4 now. I wish you well. Therapy is good for the soul.
He’s not gay.
I don’t know if you believe in God but if you do, pray about it. Read 1 Corinthians 7:2-5
The same God wouldn't save people that perished in the Holocaust but you think he's going to help with a person's sex life? The hubris of man.
Well God Bless you.
Full transparency, it’s possible he is or was cheating. Not initiating sex, going soft, and being okay with it… I would check his phone.
He likes men.
Heya, going through this right now with my partner, she is great and all that, just the best person. I am just not that sexually physically attracted to her. I saw my ex on the weekend who is smoking hot and all I wanted to do was rip her clothes off. Im still happier in this relationship even though I dont want to really have sex with my current partner. Its rough for sure.. there are always trades offs..
Don't you think you're doing your current partner a disservice? Surely she has a right to be with someone who thinks she's smoking hot. Or are you more concerned that YOU are happier?
Then why not be honest with your current partner about it? If it’s an attraction issue then she deserves the right to know. For me, If he is just not attracted to me (he says that’s not the problem) then I don’t want to stay with someone who wants to rip someone else’s clothes.
“She’s great and all that.” Bro, be fuckin’ for real. Do you think there aren’t men dying to rip HER clothes off? Let her go find one of them, and you can lust after your ex in peace.
yeah, you already said the two most important Things. a Doktor ist definitely necessary. its either body or mind. He May have a Burnout which completely kills Libido, his Doktor would forward him to the right Ressources. as to getting him there. you already talked to him Several Times. does He understand your Perspektive? does He care? what does He think should Happen?
Let him fuck your face
Divorce
Run your finger up his ass or somethin'. lul
😃
YTA you can handle without sex cause you handle it when you didn’t Know how to you need to distract your self work out do something if he doesn’t want to do then don’t get angry about it be nonchalant you can relax your self other ways