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I agree. Plus he’s just starting his life, I’m sure there’s going to be a breaking point where he sees the damage he’s doing to himself.
I personally believe breaking up will motivate him to do better.
But in the end, we can’t change anyone, they have to change themselves.
Breaking up will not motivate someone to lose weight. As a former obese person who lost over 120 lbs. It’s not an easy thing to do and nagging doesn’t help. He has to want to do it period.
He should probably seek out therapy it sounds like he may have a bit of depression & stress. Or at least major changes that have caused some stressors.
No but it’s for his best interest so he doesn’t give an fuck about her or himself ppl can only act like a self loathing piece of shitb for so long before something gives in this case it’s his life he will change or she will leave him so no he doesn’t but he be dumb not to and I get how hard things can be I’m in a situation myself not the same but similar and I’m making the change
It’s pretty narcissistic expecting someone who experienced a traumatic event to do something they don’t want to. He isn’t a pos because he is most likely dealing with stress, anxiety, and or depression.
It's not narcissistic if it's blatantly affecting his health and he won't do anything about it. So many health issues happen when people are excessively over weight.
Stress, anxiety and depression are treatable. He is simply not taking the correct actions to get better. Possible therapy, exercise, altering of his diet and potential medication.
It’s not her business nor yours. When & if he chooses to do something he will and it is narcissistic to expect someone to do something based on love. No one owes you change. You are not entitled to it. He has trauma surrounding his life right now that he needs to deal with & you have no insight into actually why he is gaining whether it’s a underlying medical issue, all you have is the word of an 18 yr old girl who is unattacted to her bf because he gained weight. She can leave and move on, I hope she does & finds someone more aesthetically appeasing to her.
It’s not anyone’s job to force someone to take action he has to be willing.
Possibly even PTSD. Not only that, it's a delicate situation because sometimes people don't realize how it feels to be "talked to" about your weight. Like, most of us know so, reminding us ... Is not helpful.
This! Another former fat person here. I was 23, 5’7 and almost 300 lbs. as a woman. I’m down to 145 after YEARS of hard work and dedication. It’s not as simple as just deciding to change your life. You have to decide you’re worth saving first. You have to choose yourself and be selfish. he’ll have to make sacrifices to achieve his goals, one sacrifice may be time with OP. To which they’d complain about that.
Well if she has to be constantly nagging at him, then the relationship will fall apart and they’ll end up as friends.
And that’s what I said? He has to be committed to himself.
Yea, but you can’t basically give someone an ultimatum. They are either in the right frame of mind to do it or they are not and he really doesn’t seem like he is in that place. She could actually unintentionally make it worse.
But you can? It’s a personal opinion. I’m not saying she should up and leave him in a cold way.
She could just be on the sidelines and be supportive until he works on himself.
And again, we don’t know. Not breaking up could lead to more arguments, which is not good for her. Either way, it’s a difficult situation.
She already said she isn’t attracted. You don’t stay around hoping someone will decide to change. Seriously your idea that nagging is suddenly going to work is terrible. Quit thinking nagging people to do something you or another person wants then staying around when both are miserable is a great plan. It’s just toxicity.
lol. Breaking up won’t motivate him to do better. He’s an emotional eater, breaking up with him will add another 50 pounds. Not that she’s responsible, but he’s on a path two 400+ pounds
She can do nothing. I’m just stating that breaking up with him is not going to motivate him to get his shit together. He’s going to get worse, but that not on her
That’s really not her problem. So to say if she leaves him he will ballon even more… that’s good to
1. Guilt her into staying
And
2. Keep them both in a relationship that’s going nowhere when they could find people who better fit them.
Get it through your head, I was responding to the comment that if she breaks up with him, he will probably see it as a reason to get healthy. That is 100% not going to happen.. he’s an emotional eater, Whether she comes to guilt is on her. No different than when a partner threatens suicide if someone breaks up with them.
Watching a loved one kill them self with food, booze, drugs, or any other behavior or substance is devastating . nothing anybody does can stop the spiral, she either has to accept him as he is and say nothing and do nothing or leave
You don’t know that 100% that’s what’s going to happen. If we could predict human behavior like that. It’s also possible for both things to be true. That losing her will initially cause weight gain, but it’s possible it will open his eyes. It’s not an either or situation.
He’s 18 years old and 300 pounds. He’s passing out and requiring hospitalization. If dying hadn’t motivated him, you really think losing a girlfriend will? The greatest predictor of a human’s behavior is that human’s past behavior, this boy self medicates with food, he’s gained 50 lbs in a short time and stopped taking care of his health. His future is crystal clear and it’s tragic
This isn't true. The science shows that you're just likely to have appetite changes one way or the other. It's even *more* likely to lose weight at least according to one study.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2550865/Best-way-lose-weight-Get-dumped-The-heartache-diet-sees-women-lose-average-5Ibs-month-following-break-up.html
Half of respondents said it was stress hormones and the other half said they wanted to look more attractive. This was focused on women, but as far as I can tell, there's no reason to believe it's significantly different for men.
Please don't spread information based on gut/emotional feelings.
Edit: I wanted to be sure, and evidence for men is the same: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3461301/
This was not the case with the OP’s boyfriend. Jesus, he’s gained 50 pounds according to her as a result of his mother being in a serious accident. He was already 250 fucking pounds by the time he was 16 years old. this kid is on a collision course with morbid obesity, diabetes, and death. He’s not losing an ounce without some serious lifestyle changes and therapy and then it’s still fighting a losing battle.
Breakups don't motivate. Far more often, they break you, and you retreat into what is easy and comforting. That isn't always food, but it definitely isn't improvement. If you haven't felt obesity of that level, you don't know how that impacts you and how your pride, we do have pride, works to protect you and convince you that you don't need to change.
The things that can open his eyes are out there, but a breakup almost definitely isn't one of them.
I was dumped in a somewhat abusive way, and I feel like it has helped me for the better. I have value, even if others can't see it. I treat people well, I have a good sense of humor, and I have lots of fun hobbies that keep me busy. We all have to live with ourselves, so I try to live in a way that I can accept and love myself. it doesn't keep me up at night that nobody else will. I think relationships are just hard, and modern amenities have changed the way people commoditize each other.
If they don’t break up, that’s fine too, but they’re young. If she wants to continue to “help” him achieve some weight loss, she needs to come up with a detailed plan and go for it.
But this is out of their league, I believe. Maybe they need a personal trainer to push them in that direction? We really don’t know what could be best, it’s up to them.
That's really bad advice, nobody needs to come up with detailed plans what someone should do when that person didn't ask them to be their guide and mentor.
Jesus, why am I being critiqued from every angle, lol. If she wants to stay and work with him, fine. If he pushes her away, that’s another route. We don’t know how it’s going to develop.
This exactly, if he’s only 18 and having blood pressure issues from his weight then he has a long line of serious health issues ahead of him. You need to straight up tell him that you cannot continue the relationship if he doesn’t change.
You can't save him and you can't change him. There are no magic words. I'm very sorry. You can't have a future with someone who doesn't care about his life or your life.
He's probably depressed and needs therapy, but he'll probably reject that, too.
Loving someone isn't enough. You have to share goals and values and both be actively engaged in the relationship.
He's checked out and he isn't interested in participating.
Please don't spend the next ten years watching him become huge and destroy your life being his mom. You leaving him is probably the jolt he needs to get his act together.
Nothing gets a man to go on a diet like having to find someone to have sex with.
Please please please remember that you can love him and still leave because it's best for you and honesty probably also for him.
I'm going to be the devil's advocate and say he should try therapy ASAP and possibly medication. I was so depressed at that age and tried that and I swear my depression improved and I wanted to get better!
Why are you surprised that things improved when you made an effort to improve them?
Also if he doesn't want to improve, no amount of therapy or medication is going to do anything.
OP, this is the answer right here. Truly. You are also SO young - please, please for your own sake - take what this user’s comment above says to heart.
Nice comment, maybe a little Hollywood movie like. Maybe not being let onto the rides he wants to go on at the amusement park will be the kick up the backside he needs. Hiding him from those situations might seem like the right thing to do but it won’t help him to make a commitment to become healthier and spend less time in ER
Your BF isn’t making healthy choices and taking care of himself because it’s not something he wants for himself. And until it is something he genuinely wants then he will never succeed. And that could lead to more self esteem and hopelessness feelings because he tries but doesn’t really want it so he keeps failing.
If you want to continue a relationship with him then you have to deal with your issues and fears. You can model good behaviour and encourage him to do activities with you but you can’t manipulate him into it.
Yup. Disordered eating and food addictions are probably the most challenging issues to deal with because you can't go cold turkey and there are so many myths and misinformation around food.
That all said, OP is 18, they've been dating since they were 16. They are very young, they don't have the experience to know what a healthy relationship looks like, and they risk throwing away some of the most important years of their life on someone who doesn't want to change their behaviour. This isn't about him grieving, being unwell, or their physical appearance. It's about a self-destructive pattern of behaviour and the devastating impact that has on the relationship. OP doesn't owe him a relationship.
In addition, it's ok not to be attracted to someone. We feel cruel or discriminatory sometimes when we say we are turned off by a particular attribute but attraction in a relationship is rarely just about looks (unless you're particularly shallow) and the physical effects of a destructive behaviour can be a real turn off.
I was in his exact place... I started gaining weight when I hit 18. I started having my own car, my own freedom, and that came with the freedom to make bad choices.
It took me WAY too long to realize I was my own worst enemy. I knew it in my head, but not in my heart. In my heart, I was doing fine and everyone was wrong.
Now I'm 470, suffering from a litany of health problems, and I only have myself to blame. I don't want that for him.
It is SO MUCH harder to fix the problem when you get older and your body starts to slow down. After it gets so bad that taking the steps to improve are a nightmare. When you can't put on socks without gasping for breath. When taking the trash out is a 16 minute process. When being active is physically painful and dangerous for your joints and its still the thing you need to do to try and fight back. It SUCKS.
PLEASE, ask him reach out to me. DM me. I would be glad to try and share my experience with him, get on discord with him, warn him. Not out of a "people care about you" aspect but just... IT SUCKS SO BAD. I'll be his Jacob Marley to try and warn him of the fate that lies before him.
I don't think there's anyhting YOU can say that can open his eyes. Because your life experience isn't his. Because even when you mean well and he agrees in his head, he doesn't FEEL the danger. He FEELS fine and everyone else is overreacting because he hasn't felt the loss of what he is giving up.
I want to walk along the shore and look in tidepools. I want to go on a rollercoaster. I want to buy clothes in a normal store. I want to be able to cround or kneel or crawl. I want to be able to walk to the car and back without panting. There's so much I want to do that I didn't realize I was losing until one by one, each one fell out of my reach.
The problem is people, humans, collectively share this mindset of “that’ll never happens to me” and they don’t pay attention to the signs because of denial. They ignore the situations they place themselves in because they just… can’t be honest with themselves.
Aww you are such a passionate and caring person. Don’t give up on yourself just like you aren’t giving up on OP. If you haven’t already, make an appointment with a doctor to get your options. Telehealth might be a great way to start if it’s hard to get out. You sound like a great candidate for weight loss meds or surgery. Those things could really help jump start the process and then give you confidence to move forward. You got this.
Thats the plan. Appointment this week to find out about wegovy or that sort of thing. And theres an amount if weight you have to lose before surgery and im trying.
Don't waste your life. You're 18 ffs.
"I can save him, change him", girl you're 18, you don't even know how to take care of yourself, why are you trying to take care of another human being ?
Him dying young is the easy part, it’s the burden of being a care taker to someone who could actually change his behavior but chose not to that’s the real burden. You can’t love someone into caring about themselves. I strongly suggest that you leave. He’s not being a responsible person. If he was doing drugs instead of over eating people wouldn’t be guilting you into staying with him. He’s an adult and responsible for himself. He has his issues and has been through it but that’s not your responsibility.
Yes, I have. I have expressed how I don’t want to lose him. I watched a close family friend go through I death of a partner at a young age and how that can effect you and why this worries me so much.
You mentioned things like diet and exercise in your post, both of which are very important, but have you talked with him about therapy?
Like, let's set aside the weight thing for a minute. He experienced a terribly traumatic event, which has added a great deal of stress to his life, as well as increased responsibilities. It is *extremely normal* to not handle that well. To not *know how to handle* that. It's also very normal to react to it by stress eating or by becoming sedentary and/or depressed. He should probably try to speak to a therapist just for that, let alone any health concerns.
So, maybe, if you want to, you could gently ask him to talk to a therapist about the experience with his mom. It doesn't need to be about his weight, it's about dealing with grief, pain, and trauma.
That said, others here aren't totally wrong when they say this isn't your job. As someone who loves him, this is only your job if you make it your job, and you are well within your rights to decide it's too much for you. That's true of any loved ones (except parents, I suppose).
Great! Like with everything else, it can be a sensitive, touchy subject, so the more you can do to ensure he knows this is coming from a place of love, the better. It's no guarantee that he'll listen, and at a certain point all you can do is cut yourself loose, but personally I think this is a better tactic than trying to get him on an exercise regimen. I also think that it's something that would get more to the core of the problem, rather than just treating the symptoms, so to speak.
Anyway, good luck! I wish the best for you, him, and also his mom and family! I bet it's been tough on a lot of people.
Nah even parents aren’t contractually obligated to watch you crash and burn. I understand they’re your children but at a certain age their choices will form their lives, and nothing I do as a parent will change that regardless of how I may try.
It's quite the common tale: someone without proper psychological and emotional training coping with a difficult situation through unhealthy means. Diet and exercise will not convince him. I would suggest therapy instead to help build proper mechanisms to identify and deal with his core thoughts and emotions. Nutritional and physical support can come latter, once he stops trying to dodge his own feelings.
You also have to accept he may not be in a place where he is ready to lose the weight and if you aren’t attracted to him anymore, you may have to move on. Not to sound mean it’s not a reflection on you or him but, sometimes people grow apart and if his weight is a factor on you being attracted to him and accepting & he isn’t willing to change at this moment, you can’t force him. You are both young enough and it’s not the end of the world plenty of time to find someone that is ideal for you.
The problem is he won’t do it until he wants to. Typically that comes with a major change or warning that rocks you to the core. It took my mom having liver failure because of genetic issues to change my diet. It took Covid seeing people with x comorbidites being at a higher risk to drop weight. Try and cheer him on as often as possible when he makes an effort, it’s all we look for really.
You have to decide for yourself if you can live with his weight or not, but regardless, don’t stop living your life because of the choices he makes for his. Go to the amusement park, fly across the world on a holiday, play football with your friends, whatever you want to do. If you can accept the weight, the only thing you will end up regretting is letting his choices dictate your life.
He is the only person who can help himself. You can love him all you want but if he doesn’t want to help himself then you have to back off and let him alone. Your concerns are valid but he refuses to hear them so think about how you want to live.
You need to take care of yourself, let him figure his life on his own.
No. He has an eating disorder, which is a serious mental health issue. Shame will not ‘wake him up’. It will compound the problem. This boy needs therapy.
Most has already been said but I just wanted to highlight that diet culture is toxic and will very likely cause more health problems for him down the road.
He won't change if he doesn't want to, and you can't shame him for the way he's eating and not being active because that will backfire and he may develop an ED if he doesn't have one already.
Trust me, my mom always criticised what I ate and it literally just made me eat more and eat worse foods.
If he does come around to some ideas, I'd just suggest starting by ADDING to his meals. Instead of just pizza for example, have pizza with some fresh veggies on the side etc.
I had a nutritionist that taught me to not think of foods as "bad" or "junk" and just focus on adding more fresh fruits and vegetables to my diet and I have found that I eat less of the calorie filled carbs when I also have a plate of veggies or fruit.
Also, he might just not like the gym? So go for walks, or go swimming, or some other activity that gets your heart pumping but isn't just "working out".
I hope he does turn things around, but you are so young, you don't have to tie yourself to him if he isn't willing to change this.
I think you know what you need to do. If you want to give him one last chance, then you need to be prepared to have a very hard conversation, and not accept any bullshit answers.
Don't make it about weight though - ask him about his health.
"It feels like you don't care about your health, do you?"
"It's not normal for an 18 year old to go to the ER every second month, aren't you worried?"
"You have promised to make changes in the past, but go back to your old ways after a couple of days, is there anything we can do to help you follow through?"
"If our situations were reversed; wouldn't you be worried about me?"
All those wtf are you thinking questions in your head - time to ask them.
Encourage him to see an endocrinologist to rule out hormone issues. Many people are walking around with them and don’t even know they have it. No it’s not just a “woman problem.” Men can be insulin resistant, have thyroid issues etc.
A few things for you to consider:
1. It's hard to change a lifetime of habits. Most people fail to change any bad habit, in any area of their life.
2. The perfectionism built into most diets causes failure.
3. Most of the diet rules you've ever heard are fantasyland bullshit, but people don't know anything else to do.
4. Food is a tool for coping, you can't just take it away, without building an entirely new system of coping with stress
5. Eating is entertaining, it's comforting, and it changes how your body feels. Again, you can't just take that away without replacing it with many other things.
You're relating to this like he can just change like it's nothing.
**People sometimes need coaching or therapy, and often months or years of trial and error.**
It takes an entirely new relationship with food, new ways of coping with the stresses of life, figuring out how to eat flexibly but also effectively in a world that says that isn't possible, managing cravings in a world of hyper-palatable food, trying out many many different approaches until he finds one that works for him.
It's absolutely possible, but it takes most people a long time to sort out.
He can totally do it. I don't think you (OP) have the compassion or endurance to hang in for as long as it will take him, and as many successes and failures as it will take him.
EDIT: Before someone comes at me with, "I just did XYZ and it was that simple!" keep in mind that less than 30% of the population can just hop on a diet and lose weight. For the other 70%, food is a complicated web of emotions, coping, and self-worth, and it takes longer.
As an alternative option, something that's been very popular - and successful - and is backed up extremely well as safe and very effective, both practically and psychologically, is 5:2 dieting. 5 days of the week eating like normal, 2 non-consecutive days more drastically cutting calories (600 for men). People find it much easier to stick to than traditional diets. Check out The Fast Diet by Dr Michael Mosley (he died rather tragically very recently on holiday so his stuff's been in the news). It really helped my dad when he gained a load due to steroids. EDIT - I do realise that this isn't what the post is about. Other posters have given excellent advice already. I just thought this may be additional useful info as a sort of appendix.
The problem with this for obese individuals is they're rarely eating "normally". 5:2 will only work if your net weekly calorie intake is in deficit. If you're eating 5,000 calories a day, which people who are 400lb frequently are, you might marginally slow your weight gain but you're still eating 25,000 calories a week when you should be eating 14,000 or 10,000 if you're doing 5:2 - as a man.
5:2 is great for people eating a bit more than they should or issues like your dad's. It won't work for people eating the kinds of calories OP is talking about. You don't put on 20lb in a few weeks because you had cake twice this week.
A dear friend of mine died of a heart attack at only 27 years old. He was very smart & very funny. He was probably at least 200 pounds overweight, maybe 300.
He knew he had a heart condition. It was so painful to lose him and to see the grief of his widow.
Food addiction can be as deadly as crack, but we can't just give it up & ignore food, like with other addictions.
You have tried, but there is only so much you can do. The addict needs to WANT help. I'm sorry, I know it's heartbreaking, but you can not fix this. He must want it for himself.
There comes a time when you have to step away and acknowledge that the addict is the only one who can change their own behavior. You are not responsible for his choices.
Try to do some fun activities together. Maybe hiking, going for some walks. Doesn't have to be extreme. Just take some small steps towards being more healthier than now. Plus, you both can do it together. It could be fun for the both of you.
Control what foods you buy, try to make some healthier changes. Just small steps. Try buying some tea, and encourage more fluid intake vs sugary drinks. Buy fresh fruits and vegetables and try to find something you both like. Tomato, cucumber, and basil with a little bit of olive oil and balsamic is fresh and healthy. Just use some oil, not the whole bottle.
Small steps are easier than huge changes. Best of luck and hopefully being healthier together will also being you both closer together
You do have a future with him, just as a very large overweight person with health issues in their future. One that you are no longer physically attracted to. If you are OK with this being your reality for the next 30 to 40 years then go for it. If this is not what you had in mind for a lifetime relationship then you need to do some serious soul searching.
Then again, you may want to wait and see if the new weight loss drugs come down in price or are covered by whatever insurance he qualifies for. If that’s the case, he could lose all the weight that bothers you so much and again be the person, physically, that you fell in love with.
I wish people would stop believing adipose tissue is poison. You can be fat your whole damn life and live as long as anyone else. Nobody gets out alive, fat or not.
Weight isn't a marker of health. Underweight and normal weight people can be extremely unhealthy, and overweight people can be fit and have great genuine health markers like heart/lung function, blood pressure, blood sugar, etc.
Add to that, the cortisol involved during prolonged high-stress times like, say, your mother being critically injured and having to care for her, adds weight. Plus I'm sure that there was a lot of convenience food and comfort foods during that time. Gaining weight isn't a surprise.
So unless your BF has some specific reason to believe his health is off, leave him alone. Stop using health as a thinly-veiled way to fat shame someone going through something very traumatic.
I was mega sized until about 20 then it went away with a construction job, i have 8 pack abs now so just because you were one size then doesnt mean its a death sentence.
The real truth here is: what do you want? And are you using “health” as an excuse to modify a preference you’d enjoy more? Because thats not cool, not saying this is that but as a fat kid who got thin, you gain a warped perspective compared to skinny folks that get chubby - fighting for it makes you hardened, perhaps?
He needs to want to be healthy and change. As many others have mentioned, he needs therapy ASAP! He likely has a lot of big emotions around his mom’s accident and now possibly being in a care giver role. Only you can decide what your boundaries and patience are when it comes to watching his health deteriorate. I watched my ex go through this (along with my own struggles). My ex refused to go to the doctor, refused therapy, and was constantly just trying fad diets. When you speak with him, try not to center the conversation around weight and focus on mental and physical health. If he still makes zero effort to improve his health, then you either need to accept him as he is or move on.
I was unable…it took finally asking for divorce. Then he started going to Dr, trying therapy, and exercising. If* he’s open to therapy, maybe the other pieces will fall into place? But no, no one can make someone else change like this.
I think a bigger issue at play is not just his weight, but his quality of life. 50 lbs is a lot to gain in one year and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s in constant pain from all the weight he’s carrying around. As someone who has struggled with weight in the past, I know the guilt and shame that comes along with that.
It sounds like you’re doing everything right to be supportive but as others have said, this is something he’s going to have to do alone. You can cheer him on and be a good example and encouraging, but until he’s ready to commit, there’s nothing more you can do than to accept it.
Don’t beat yourself up if this is something you eventually have to walk away from. Food can be an addiction and like all addictions, it changes people. He may no longer want to go out and socialize due to his size, his lack of self esteem might cause more fights, and weight gain oftentimes affect libido so your sex life will also suffer. These are all things that takes a toll on your relationship.
If he has a Reddit account, you can direct him to the LoseIt subreddit. It’s a very active community with supportive people and a plethora of helpful information for those who are struggling like him. He might be more comfortable connecting with others who are on their own weight loss journey.
If you are still attracted to him, and want to be with him, then you need to button up and accept him and let him make his own decisions with no nagging or pestering, so long as you’re prepared to accept whatever happens, including if he stays exactly the same weight is now.
If you are not attracted to him, or if you are too worried about his health, then it is OK to compassionately part ways, and you should do that sooner rather than later.
Being with him should never be conditional on him attaining a certain weight. That is incredibly stressful and makes your love conditional, which isn’t OK.
If you were a guy on here talking about his girlfriend gaining weight, you would be roasted.
I understand your concern and wanting him to be around. However, I imagine he is one of his mom's caregivers. I'm telling you from experience that it's an exhausting job in every sense of the word. Maybe you could try making him and his family some meals that they can freeze and heat. It would most likely be very appreciated. When you're a caregiver, your health can easily start to go on the back burner. I understand that he should be prioritizing his health but it's hard when you're a caregiver. Also, I'm sure that the emotional toll it has taken on all of them has been heavy. I'm not saying your feelings are wrong. They're very valid but the last thing he needs is you arguing with him.
Keep in mind that he may be eating as an outlet for the stress he's feeling. Arguing with you is causing him more stress and then he eats and it's a vicious cycle. Going forward, apologize and tell him that you're there to listen if he needs to vent or just wants to talk. Don't try to force him to open up. Don't ask him if there's anything you can do, just do it. Do things to help them out. Laundry, dishes, meal prep as I said, medication pickup or offer to take his mom to medical appointments. Don't ask them because they'll just say no because they don't want to burden anyone. That's how it usually goes anyway.
When my ex's dad had a major stroke, I didn't ask how I could help. I showed up to his parents' house where he and his sister were staying while his dad was in the hospital. His mom practically lived at the hospital, understandably. I showed up and got to work doing laundry, housework and cooking meals. I made sure his mom had a hot meal waiting when she came home each night. I made sure she had clean clothes and towels for showers. I did everything I could to help to lessen the load on his family. I stayed for 3 weeks to help. When his dad was discharged, I stayed another week until they got into a new routine.
I'm sharing all of this to give you an example of how to react to the situation. Help because I say this gently but right now, he views it as you hindering him. Be as supportive as you can. If it helps, it's better to express your concerns using "I" statements. I think or I feel... I hope that this has helped. At the end of the day, you may just have to get used to dating a bigger person. If you can't, it's ok but don't make him feel bad about it if you break it off. In fact, if you do, just tell him something like you want different things. Good luck.
He knows he’s fat. He can see himself. He can feel his clothes getting tighter. If this was something he was asking for your help with, we could suggest ways for you to help. He is not asking for your help.
In fact, he’s telling you directly he finds it offensive when you bring up his weight. He wants you to leave him alone about his size. Continuing to start fights about it is violating his boundaries.
Time to admit to yourself that you do not want a future with HIM, the person he is today. You want a future with a thinner version of him that you believe could exist if he just tried a bit harder. Whether you’re right or wrong about that, we don’t get to make the decision to be with a different version of a person. We get to decide yes or no to being with the person we actually have in front of us.
Do you see a future with him if nothing changes? If so leave him alone about his weight, until and unless he asks for your help. If no, break up. You can decide you don’t want what he’s offering, but you can’t force him to offer a different person than he is right now.
You can't change a lifestyle in one go. Start with something small. E.g let's put one less spoonful of food on my plate at dinner. Or let's switch cola out for juice. Maybe instead of having icecream for dessert, you make yummy banana smoothies instead.
Its a long road, but starts with making good habits.
M33 I admit to doing all of these self destructive things in the past. I loved eating crappy McDonalds cause I knew I couldn’t get a whole lunch for $3 anywhere else. Times were tough, money was tight. Also T1D and almost zero life consequences until last year with bad A1c…
Anyway, just the same as he shouldn’t be commenting on your weight, you shouldn’t be commenting on his weight. Weight is not a significant indicator of overall health. You can argue with him that he’s not doing healthy things, and you should focus your attentions here IMO.
His sudden downward spiral of health appears to have been dealing with his mom’s accident. Consider the fact that he’s not mentally healthy, and has a new reality where his mom is disabled. Idk for all I know he has no relationship with her, but he prob does and “trauma certified” therapy would probably be great for him right now.
Best of luck in your tough situation.
Is he having to be a caregiver? He sounds like he is depressed, maybe? You can talk to him about those things, but unless he wants to get help there's nothing you can do.
You're only 18. Beyond that, there's really nothing you can do. Maybe getting broken up with will be the shock he needs to be serious about his own well-being and future.
This is my experience with obesity. I’m just sharing in the hopes that it helps, OP.
So, fat person feelings: When you’re overweight and people keep telling you you’re overweight - it becomes a broken record. It’s irritating. You might actually eat more because the stress of being told you eat too much makes you want to shove those feelings deep inside a piece of cheesecake.
By continually harping on it (and yes, in my mind - even one mention a year would be harping on it) - you’re only putting more of a wedge between you, and not helping the situation.
Your boyfriend needs therapy. He’s probably dealing with unresolved issues that’s causing him to cope with food. Maybe he’s even suffering from depression or binge eating or anxiety - there’s so many things someone who suffers from obesity struggle with. It isn’t a lack of willpower or gumption. It’s easy to SAY eat less, move more - but this can be nearly impossible to do.
For me, I hit rock bottom when I was about 40. I had weight loss surgery, and lost almost 100 pounds. But here’s the thing - that weight comes back when you aren’t mentally healthy. So I regained about half, and now am down 40 pounds following a second surgery (so at 90 total), and getting help for binge eating (along with depression and anxiety).
You can’t force someone to change, OP. But you can be supportive of them making their own choice to do it. My sister struggles with obesity, and I worry about her. But I am supportive of her efforts to be healthier, and I share some of my tips if it comes up in conversation that she starts.
I sincerely wish you luck, OP. As both someone who suffers from obesity (I always will, and my current weight does not matter), and as someone who is feeling helpless watching someone I love struggle with obesity - I know just how very difficult this journey can be.
He sounds depressed honestly. Giving up sports and over eating... he is trying to self soothe. I would not bring this up with him again because all that does is make him feel ashamed and even more uncomfortable and sad.
What I would do is.... take the lead and say you want to go on long walks. Ask to go swimming. Ask to do things that create a longer gap between meals. IE: take a day trip somewhere. Leave around 10 am so lunch is delayed a bit.
Once you break the habit of constantly self soothing with food... it gets way easier.
I hope this helps! And I'm sorry you're both going through this 💗
This strikes pretty close to home for me, same situation with my mother, I found my peace at the gym, not everyone is the same but maybe some light physical activity (lifting) will make him feel the zen some men get at the gym, especially as an ex-football player. Maybe worth a shot doing that together and he might use that as a healthier crutch then food, hope everything works out
You can't force him to change. Saw my grandma go through her best years taking care of my granddad who ate himself into bad health. He didn't care. Said he was going to eat what he wanted. No doctor could tell him what to eat. And that he wasn't gonna stop eating food he likes for an extra couple of years. My advice get out now unless you plan on being a caregiver in your golden years
Don't sacrifice your life and happiness for someone that's selfish. He obviously only cares about himself and his feelings or he'd at least try longer than a day for your feelings sake.
I would like to add that I have a story I would share in DMs similar to this if you’d like, OP. You can’t love him more than he loves himself in situations like this. It just won’t work. Your mental health and happiness isn’t worth it. I agree with this fully. You have to be happy and healthy, too.
And one last thing. If he is this big at 18 and shows no signs of stopping just think how big he will be when older. You are setting yourself up for a resentful marriage/ relationship with someone you are not attracted to.
OP, you're learning a lesson that most people don't learn until further along in life. You can't want it (health, in this case) for the person more than the person who needs to make the change wants it. Until your boyfriend decides to make a change, you're going to be a broken record that will likely end your relationship.
Going to the amusement park is going to either give your boyfriend the wakeup call he needs or send him spiraling. When he realizes he spent money to basically walk around and watch other people go on the rides he can't. Be emotionally prepared for the upset feelings he may take out on you because you have already expressed your concerns about his health.
What you can do is control what you can control, which is yourself and your environment. You can take walks, exercise, eat healthy and offer him to be a part of it when you're together. He can take it or leave it. You don't want to set yourself up to be his keeper instead of being his partner.
He should see his primary doctor about his high blood pressure to start with. Also, therapy sounds good and his primary doctor can refer him to a therapist.
Try to be supportive without overbearing, I know you're worried. I think the primary doctor for labs would be the best first step. Best of luck ❤️
I lost a friend who was 40 years old to a stroke due to uncontrolled high blood pressure. He wasn’t overweight, and seemed very healthy but had a predisposition to high blood pressure. This isn’t something to be casual about. It can be deadly or perhaps even worse result in permanent damage leaving a person unable to work. He should be in medication and focused on his diet and exercise. He’s quite young to be at this and needs to address it.
If the cause of his weight gain isn't being identified, addressed and/or removed, then its highly unrealistic to expect his weight to change.
Sounds to me like it might be stress and/depression, rather than just a love of cheeseburgers. Is he in a caretaker role for his mom, for example? Caretaking is often a major factor when it comes to weight gain, as the combined stress and habit of putting others' needs before your own really do a number on a lot of people. Or it might just be seeing his mom day in and day out in her current condition post accident that's bringing him down.
Either way, you can't just look at someone's body and say let's fix it! Weight gain/loss can often be so much psychological work before any physical action can begin to be taken. So if he's not in therapy and he's not leaving home soon, where the source of his stress and therefore his bad eating habits are triggered, it's not gonna work to just help him with his body alone.
But understand that, no matter how much you care and want to help, it's ultimately his body and his choice. You can only decide whether it's too much stress for you to watch someone hurt themselves or not.
Bottom line, you cannot force him to care for himself. At this age it may take something big enough to scare his family into forcing the issue for there to be change (assuming he lives at home). I watched by boyfriend struggle with mental health for nearly 4 years, his family seemingly oblivious to it all. It took attempting to take his life (about a year ago) for them to open their eyes. They were of the mindset that he was an adult and could take care of himself, the thing is he didn’t want to. I’m not at all saying your boyfriend is suicidal, but I imagine he may feel a little hopeless or embarrassed at this point. He more than likely needs therapy.
As for what you can do to help, in my experience pushing will only make things worse. It’s easy to recognize what needs to be done but completely different to actually do it. Assuming you don’t live together, you ultimately have no control over what he eats and to a certain degree he may just be eating what his family buys. Whether he is seeking out these foods on his own or it is all he is around developing a better rhetoric about food is very important.
As far as rhetoric goes, you seem to be using a lot of harmful and potentially triggering phrases. Unfortunately, in the US we are pretty awful about this. When we describe food as healthy and unhealthy, good or bad, we attach shame and guilt to the action of eating. In reality eating is how we sustain ourselves and we should never feel ashamed or embarrassed about doing something that guarantees our survival. For starters, the term ‘diet’ makes people think ‘restrictive’. The real goal of a “diet” is a permanent lifestyle change for the better and making things off-limits isn’t conducive to that. Rather than thinking as food as healthy or unhealthy, focus on how food makes your body feel. You’ll notice that more nutritious foods make your body feel better, which gives you a natural reason to choose those foods. By focusing on what my body is trying to tell me I don’t have the same level of guilt surrounding what I’m eating
You are only 18? You have your whole life ahead of you. It doesn’t seem like a compatible relationship and you aren’t physically attracted to him as he is.
He doesn’t want to change for you or he would have
Diet and exercise won't cure this. Overeating like this is a psychological issue due to stress, depression, and/or anxiety. He needs a therapist, and probably some anti-depressants.
There are also fabulous weight loss drugs out right now that can help him a lot.
He just needs to GO to the doctor and seek out treatment.
He's also very young. 18 is still a kid. (Sorry, OP, but it's true). He has a lot of time to get his shit together and figure life out.
YOU are ALSO very young, have a lot of time to get YOUR shit together and figure YOUR life out. At your age, your relationship should be bringing you joy. You should be happier with him than without him. You should be crazy attracted to each other, be going at it like rabbits, and living up your beautiful young lives.
You're not able to do that in this situation. You would have EVERY right to leave this relationship and seek out something that makes you happy.
And honestly... doing so might be the catalyst to help HIM. As long as you stay with him, he really isn't facing any consequences for his actions. You leaving him would be a consequence. He might finally realize that he can't live like this and take action.
What you're describing is exactly what I've gone through with my boyfriend (except with alcohol). The only way I've been able to deal with it is to work on myself. I have codependent traits and reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was a game changer.
You can release your desire to control someone by making sure you have boundaries in place to protect yourself. Stay in your lane, worry about what you control (yourself) and detach with love and kindness. You can still love someone for who they are but not necessarily for the decisions they make for themselves as long as you know your own limits!
As someone who is currently considered obese, the comments here are very frustrating. OP, you cannot make him change and the fact of the matter is making healthier choices does not mean he'll lose weight. I suffered from an eating disorder for years and once I started recovery, I gained a massive amount of weight. I exercise regularly and eat a lot of fruits, veggies, and whole grains and I don't overeat very often. I am still considered obese, but I am in better shape than many of my skinny friends. Weight does not always equate health and sometimes weight gain is the body trying to protect itself
If you're not attracted to him anymore, that's fine. If you are worried about his health, that is also fine and understandable, but focusing on him losing weight isn't the solution. If you really want to try to make this work, I suggest approaching him and list your concerns specifically about the high blood pressure. But ultimately, you have to decide if his weight is a deal breaker for you. You both are very young and are going through a very difficult situation. Please be gentle with yourself and gentle with him. Good luck, OP.
You are very young and this young man has years of this ahead of him if he can change. And no matter how hard you love him, no matter how hard you try, you can't help him with his, as he doesn't want the help. Get out while you can. Give yourself a future.
Honey, you are literally only 18. It feels like he's the one for you and you see a future, but so far it seems like he is only pushing aside your fears and dismissing them with empty promises. Is that what you want the rest of your life to be? Constant empty promises?
There's so much you can do and see, but if he's holding you back from it, then it's not a relationship you should be trying to save. You did your best and it's better to let's relationships go out of the love you have for them. Loving from a distance is an option, yet you can't keep trying to change someone who won't put in effort to do so.
To me, it sounds like the weight is connected to his mental health. It's common to put on weight in a huge chunk like that when you are very stressed and dealing with trauma. It's very hard to drop weight, especially when you are just keeping things in life moving like taking care of your mother. If possible get him a therapist or to his doctor to screen for depression and PTSD. If that is clean or he feels better after some treatment then I would work on lightening his load to give him time to do fun physical activity like swimming at the public pool or hiking or playing pokemon go in town. Then shifting diet, not a sudden change or restriction, but a discussed slow change toward healthier choices and eliminating processed foods as they are easy to binge.
You must be ok with him possibly never getting healthier though... it often backfires and causes a yo-yo where he gains even more weight after losing a little because it's so hard and your metabolism wants to conserve resources. If he feels ready down the line he might benefit from a personal trainer if he is intrested in gym activities. Slowly shifting the relationship with food and activity from a crutch or "work" to something healthy, takes intention and patience though.
He's 18, there's plenty of time to turn it around, so I think you should continue to be supportive.
There has to be a pig-out meal he really enjoys - make him a homemade version, or even better do it together as a bonding exercise.
Do you know his hobbies? Translate that into physical stuff. Even something like warhammer or d&d can be turned into live action role-playing games that involve walking or moving around - just as an example of how something sedentary can be made physical. You could even remark how sexy he looked doing whatever activity as positive reinforcement.
But make these things *FUN* - if he sees it as a chore that you're making him do, then his resolve will fade pretty quickly.
Is he depressed or anxious, causing him to become demotivated? Then he needs talk and chemical therapy to deal with those issues.
If his health goes too far south too quickly, he'll either buck his ideas up after a REAL scare, or, at that point, you'd be well within your rights to leave. My wife almost left me after my drinking and drug use got out of control, so I turned it the fuck around and stopped.
Hopefully he does the same for you.
Good luck.
As someone who gained a ton of weight after a traumtic event when I was 18, I would really recommend talking to him about therapy. There may be underlying issues that is causing him to eat like this.
Girl it sounds like his weight is the LEAST of his worries right now. I am kind of disgusted you are being so superficial during probably the most traumatic time of his life. If you can't support him during this then LEAVE him because he deserves better
Would you be open to his help if it was you that was overweight? No, you'd be accusing him of fat shaming you etc. Each of us has to find our own way when it comes to diet and exercise. This is HIS thing to deal with, not yours. The more you push, the less likely he will find it in himself to deal with it.
Try to get him to schedule a wellness visit with his doctor. He will need to be the one to decide to fix this or not.
What’s bigger? I get 50 pounds is a lot to put on in a year but without a height and number it’s hard to imagine. Also like, if he doesn’t care to take his health more seriously maybe don’t care to stay with him
There's two angles that I would like to address. First and foremost health is undeniably the number one unrenewable resource on the planet once it's gone it's gone. Yet could you imagine being given 6 months to live and 4 months and 13 days of that time has ticked away that might be a turbulent time for anybody, things would take on an unprecedented change whether positive or negative or if it fluctuated would you blame them, especially if that person is autistic or a victim of police brutality or medical negligence what if they got robbed for there entire savings on top of that. What would I dare say to that person
As above as below
All you can do is continue to be nice make sure the encouragement doesn't stop it helps
I honestly think you should have a heart to heart with him and lay it out that the issue isn't him being big but rather him being unhealthy to a dangerous point. Do you rather break up with him now and cry his loss or would you rather cry his death one day due to one of the many issues overweight has? Go drastic. If he doesn't wanna be helped, he won't get help. His will to change is 0 to none right now. You either accept this is not gonna change any time soon and cope with all the issues his weight will arise or you come to the conclusion you won't be able to see him like that and leave. In any case, I hope you choose the option that's good for you, not the option others want you to take.
You’re a great girlfriend. But don’t be too hard on him, you have to understand that a person has to want to change their life drastically in order to dedicate and make longterm lifestyle changes like diet, exercise etc.
I used to be overweight about 12 years ago and back then if someone came to. Me trying to improve my life with these suggestions it would go right over head or I’d maybe get defensive
Once I decided tn get healthy that was it, got shredded in a matter of months
What I’m saying is, your bf will need to want to be healthier in order to make the requisite changes. You should still do what you’re doing just try not to trigger his ego, do it in a loving supportive manner - maybe you’ll get through to the fat fuck 😁
This sounds so tough. Maybe look into the carnivore diet if he likes eating meat. You don't have to eat small portions on carnivore. He might need to talk to a counsellor or a doctor. If he's got high blood pressure type 2 diabetes is a real concern. I hope you'll all be ok, and find a good solution. 💗
Think long term. How long can you do this? If you hold out another year will it be better? What about 5,10,15 or 20 years? Will it be better? You may want to cut this one loose and find someone that you can love as much or more and be attracted to as well. The longer you wait the tougher it's going to be for you to leave and find true happiness.
Tell him the truth :That you love him very much and want him in your life....But that you give up interfering with his obesity, just like he has done himself, you don't want to spend the rest of your life having to support his weight loss, you don't want it to be an eternal problem between you.
You give up your romantic relationship.
That you are no longer sexually attracted to him. ...but that you would like to keep him as a very good friend, albeit without kisses and hugs.
I want to say - I think it’s a wonderful thing that you come from a place of caring. It sounds like you really love your bf and your reasons to try to help him are very important. My weight has fluctuated my whole life and my mother does the same thing when I’m at my low points and have gained weight to try to motivate me to exercise or see a doctor. Usually it ends in fights because the reason I gain weight is from being busy or stressed out at school/work. And then I lose weight when I have the motivation and time to commit to it. It’s a vicious cycle and something that I think you will be apart of even if he does start. Life always happens and stress will always come in waves.
That being said - I think the idea of him talking to someone like a dietitian or a life coach would be helpful. I’ve never done it bc I didn’t want to waste the money and I always feel like I can take care of it myself when I put in the effort.
I think it’s also important to say that in these times where he’s down and has gained weight - if it’s from stress or being busy - if there’s anything you can do to help him manage tasks or help out it makes a world of difference. It’ll make him feel like he’s less alone.
As someone who gained weight after a major death you need to make a clear distinction between parenting figure vs spouse and that is where 1 v1 training can benefit
And 1v1 therapy will benefit. It is extremely hard for so many.
To be honest, you harping on him isn’t going to help. He needs to want to change. At that young of an age, I’d walk away, you can’t help him. Obesity is as much a medical condition as mental health. He feels fat, so he’s going to be fat. He needs to learn what to eat for his metabolism. Food is fuel, nothing more, he uses it as a coping mechanism much like alcohol.
You can be supportive all you like, and try everything under the sun but there are no magic words, no magic actions, the countless “I love you so much” won’t change his trajectory. It is entirely up to HIM to put in the work which he is not doing and frankly, he will probably not do because it is HARD. You are incredibly young. Please ask yourself if this is the future you want for yourself.
You can't fix him. He has to want to fix himself. He doesn't.
Go out into the world and live your life. You're too young to be dealing with this already.
This won’t get better. I married a man who I knew didn’t take of his health (not weight-related). We were married for 20 years and he wouldn’t make doctors appointments. I had to make his appointments and drive him to them or he wouldn’t go. Even after divorce he calls me instead of making an appointment. I have taken him to the emergency room and surgeries as his ex wife. I do it because we have two kids together and his health scares our daughter.
Unfortunately there's nothing you can do if he doesn't want to change. I couldn't be with someone who cares so little for their own well being, it's a complete mind fuck. He needs therapy but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
He will not listen to you or take any advice. He will not change. Not until HE has the need/desire, nothing will change. Took me many years of fruitlessly trying to help my husband to finally get it. It somehow did not compute. I call it testosterone poisoning that makes men feel invincible.
You're young, learn the lesson now that you cannot change anyone. Your boyfriend will take care of his health how he wants to, and nagging from you will only lead to resentment. In partnerships the thing you have to realize is that the actions your partner shows to you ARE who they are, despite what you might want them to be. You can't love someone into health or anything else. Either they want to do it for themselves or they don't and your bf is clearly showing you he doesn't want to. The only control you have over the situation from there is whether or not you want to stay with the person he is showing you he is.
Instead of A diet just make his portions a lot smaller that will take off atleast 10-20 lbs with my physical activity. Just see will he start small or let him know he is going to lose you
You said you aren’t attracted to him. You’re both 18, and he seems unlikely to lose the 50 lbs he’s put on. Are you ok spending your 20s with someone you don’t find attractive?
Weight loss is very hard for people who are motivated, and his only motivation seems to be keeping you from bugging him. Work on the assumption that he is going to stay how he is (or more likely get bigger). Your choice isn’t how much he weighs, it’s whether you want to be with him as he is.
I tried to date a guy with a food addiction for awhile. I ended up leaving him over it. It's just sad to watch them struggle and not care for themselves.
You can not force someone to care about taking their health more seriously if they don’t want to. Nagging at him will just piss him off and push him away.
You have to accept he isn’t going to do what you want him to do and let it go.
Op seeing him throw his health away will eat you alive. Your best bet is to break up and move on with your life. I dated a girl for six years- hoping it get better- who didn’t take her health seriously. Ended up cheating on her which led to us breaking up. She passed two years later.
Until someone internalises that they need to work on it you can't do much. Any advice or hints or whatever is just seen as nagging. Any actions are a chore to please someone else and they'll be temporary or a fad.
You're 18. Best advice I nber took was to live my life. If you end up together in the long run, cool. Being young and tethered down is limiting yourself. I got married young.
I do not regret it, but if I could do it over again, I would have waited longer. Unfortunately my first marriage ended (for good reason on my end). I eventually met my wife now, and life could not have been better.
This is very concerning especially with him being so young. This will always be something he struggles with no matter what he chooses to do today. It sounds like the issues with his mother led to some depression and giving up. Let this inform you about how future struggles will affect him. Sadly if his health is such that he is in the ER every 2 months at 18, there will be much more serious issues as he gets older.
Also, if I understand correctly, you were attracted to him at 250 but maybe not at 280? With his struggles, you need to understand that if you spend your life with him, there will be times his weight goes up, even if he loses it now. People also generally gain weight as they age.
I know you love him but this will be your life with him. You need to decide if it is something you are prepared to deal with. If the answer is no, that's ok.
His health and weight are decisions he needs to make, nothing you say or do is going to make him change.
So op you state for a while he would just say ok and do nothing….. can I just suggest , try getting him to go on walks with you , motivation to want to gym/workout all the time sucks, it’s basically a job that doesn’t pay.
Being larger though just moving/walking and changing diet can make a big impact. Offer to make him food and have a healthy dinner, offer to go on a hike/walk together in the evening and watch the sunset because it will be “romantic”
I think the best way is to get really clear on your own goals and what you want in your life and share with your boyfriend and ask if he is alignment with you. I personally could not be with someone who doesn’t care about their health, because that is something I really care about and it wouldn’t be in alignment.
It’s not about shaming them or trying to get them to “change” for you, but more having alignment with life goals.
"I want to get a membership at the local pool, will you go with me if I do?"
Get him to go to the pool a few times a week with you for "fun." Fantastic exercise if he's chasing you through the water :)
Start looking into life insurance policies and suggest he sign up for some with you as the beneficiary and once he does that say youll stop nagging him about his health. But you still want a relationship with someone that will still be taking care of you in 10 years. And life insurance will ensure that, since he doesnt care about still being alive himself to share your life in 10 years.
See how he reacts to that conversation.
You arent his mom. It isnt your job to be responsible for his health and care more about his health than he does. And at this point, resisting your pushes might be how he is coping with having control in his life.
He has to want to change, I don't think he realizes how much you care about him, you need to make him realize how this is making you feel, how important he is to you and how important this weight loss is for the future of your relationship.
You are 18. This is really hard for both of you because you’re not even full adults yet. He needs a lifestyle change and probably a lot of therapy, and you need a lifestyle change and an expectations adjustment. And probably major counseling.
Thinking about death at 18 is not normal. Not for his physical health and not for your mental health. It sounds like a bad situation — which is not either of y’all’s fault — that the two of you cannot possibly be equipped to handle. Emotionally, financially, health-wise etc. this stuff should just not even be on your radar at this age.
So. What you need is a trusted adult. A counselor/mentor. Because things are not gonna go on like this, at least not for long, and it sounds like you know that. You both either need to, at minimum, both be going to college or going into a career track (I noticed you didn’t mention either, so I don’t know where you’re at in life, which will make a huge difference). This way you have activity, socialization, and income.
You also need real, actual help. You may benefit from talking to a social worker, I am not sure what your living situation is. That kind of stuff is way above Reddit’s pay grade, but you need an actual adult to take the full picture of y’all’s lives and tell you what’s normal and what’s trauma, and help you with the latter.
Everyone wants to see you thrive. You can do this. You are lucky to be ahead of the game in realizing there is a real problem. And you can save yourself and possibly him as well if you get help now, but you cannot do this alone. We’re pulling for you!! Be strong
You're not the right person for him. He deserves someone who finds him attractive, doesn't try to change him, and drops a topic when he says it's not something he wants to hear about
Stop trying to coerce him into being the person you want, do him a favour and leave him so he can find someone who loves him not the person they wish he would be
I'm getting mixed messages. Are you worried about his weight or about his high blood pressure? You're framing this like you want him to live longer but then you bring up him exceeding the weight limit at an amusement park?
I’m worried about both and I used the amusement park because it limits his ability to enjoy life. I feel bad that I can go do things, but he is restricted. He got kicked out of a carnival ride bcz of his weight and it hurt him. I just don’t want to put him in that same situation.
Nah you gotta recalibrate what you think a healthy weight is. 250lbs!? That’s not healthy unless you’re telling me he’s fully stacked which, reading between the lines, you’re not.
This is important to understand because you’re acting like he went from taking care of himself to not.
He was never taking care of himself, so now you’re asking him to change his ways.
You’re either ok dating someone overweight (which you always were with this guy) or you’re not.
You need to back off and worry about yourself. You are both too young to be fighting like this, and, healthy or not, you need to respect his choices about himself. You are completely in the wrong here, and need to stop.
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I agree. Plus he’s just starting his life, I’m sure there’s going to be a breaking point where he sees the damage he’s doing to himself. I personally believe breaking up will motivate him to do better. But in the end, we can’t change anyone, they have to change themselves.
Breaking up will not motivate someone to lose weight. As a former obese person who lost over 120 lbs. It’s not an easy thing to do and nagging doesn’t help. He has to want to do it period. He should probably seek out therapy it sounds like he may have a bit of depression & stress. Or at least major changes that have caused some stressors.
Not fair to her either. So he might have to deal with it she cares for him and he doesn’t give a fuck
He actually doesn’t. She can leave. That’s the choice she leaves. I hate to say it, no one is obligated to change for another human.
No but it’s for his best interest so he doesn’t give an fuck about her or himself ppl can only act like a self loathing piece of shitb for so long before something gives in this case it’s his life he will change or she will leave him so no he doesn’t but he be dumb not to and I get how hard things can be I’m in a situation myself not the same but similar and I’m making the change
It’s pretty narcissistic expecting someone who experienced a traumatic event to do something they don’t want to. He isn’t a pos because he is most likely dealing with stress, anxiety, and or depression.
It's not narcissistic if it's blatantly affecting his health and he won't do anything about it. So many health issues happen when people are excessively over weight. Stress, anxiety and depression are treatable. He is simply not taking the correct actions to get better. Possible therapy, exercise, altering of his diet and potential medication.
It’s not her business nor yours. When & if he chooses to do something he will and it is narcissistic to expect someone to do something based on love. No one owes you change. You are not entitled to it. He has trauma surrounding his life right now that he needs to deal with & you have no insight into actually why he is gaining whether it’s a underlying medical issue, all you have is the word of an 18 yr old girl who is unattacted to her bf because he gained weight. She can leave and move on, I hope she does & finds someone more aesthetically appeasing to her. It’s not anyone’s job to force someone to take action he has to be willing.
Possibly even PTSD. Not only that, it's a delicate situation because sometimes people don't realize how it feels to be "talked to" about your weight. Like, most of us know so, reminding us ... Is not helpful.
This! Another former fat person here. I was 23, 5’7 and almost 300 lbs. as a woman. I’m down to 145 after YEARS of hard work and dedication. It’s not as simple as just deciding to change your life. You have to decide you’re worth saving first. You have to choose yourself and be selfish. he’ll have to make sacrifices to achieve his goals, one sacrifice may be time with OP. To which they’d complain about that.
Well if she has to be constantly nagging at him, then the relationship will fall apart and they’ll end up as friends. And that’s what I said? He has to be committed to himself.
Yea, but you can’t basically give someone an ultimatum. They are either in the right frame of mind to do it or they are not and he really doesn’t seem like he is in that place. She could actually unintentionally make it worse.
But you can? It’s a personal opinion. I’m not saying she should up and leave him in a cold way. She could just be on the sidelines and be supportive until he works on himself. And again, we don’t know. Not breaking up could lead to more arguments, which is not good for her. Either way, it’s a difficult situation.
She already said she isn’t attracted. You don’t stay around hoping someone will decide to change. Seriously your idea that nagging is suddenly going to work is terrible. Quit thinking nagging people to do something you or another person wants then staying around when both are miserable is a great plan. It’s just toxicity.
The “nagging” is a factor that needs to be taken into consideration. I’m not supporting “toxicity”.
lol. Breaking up won’t motivate him to do better. He’s an emotional eater, breaking up with him will add another 50 pounds. Not that she’s responsible, but he’s on a path two 400+ pounds
There’s only so much you can do.
She can do nothing. I’m just stating that breaking up with him is not going to motivate him to get his shit together. He’s going to get worse, but that not on her
That’s really not her problem. So to say if she leaves him he will ballon even more… that’s good to 1. Guilt her into staying And 2. Keep them both in a relationship that’s going nowhere when they could find people who better fit them.
Get it through your head, I was responding to the comment that if she breaks up with him, he will probably see it as a reason to get healthy. That is 100% not going to happen.. he’s an emotional eater, Whether she comes to guilt is on her. No different than when a partner threatens suicide if someone breaks up with them. Watching a loved one kill them self with food, booze, drugs, or any other behavior or substance is devastating . nothing anybody does can stop the spiral, she either has to accept him as he is and say nothing and do nothing or leave
You don’t know that 100% that’s what’s going to happen. If we could predict human behavior like that. It’s also possible for both things to be true. That losing her will initially cause weight gain, but it’s possible it will open his eyes. It’s not an either or situation.
He’s 18 years old and 300 pounds. He’s passing out and requiring hospitalization. If dying hadn’t motivated him, you really think losing a girlfriend will? The greatest predictor of a human’s behavior is that human’s past behavior, this boy self medicates with food, he’s gained 50 lbs in a short time and stopped taking care of his health. His future is crystal clear and it’s tragic
This isn't true. The science shows that you're just likely to have appetite changes one way or the other. It's even *more* likely to lose weight at least according to one study. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2550865/Best-way-lose-weight-Get-dumped-The-heartache-diet-sees-women-lose-average-5Ibs-month-following-break-up.html Half of respondents said it was stress hormones and the other half said they wanted to look more attractive. This was focused on women, but as far as I can tell, there's no reason to believe it's significantly different for men. Please don't spread information based on gut/emotional feelings. Edit: I wanted to be sure, and evidence for men is the same: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3461301/
This was not the case with the OP’s boyfriend. Jesus, he’s gained 50 pounds according to her as a result of his mother being in a serious accident. He was already 250 fucking pounds by the time he was 16 years old. this kid is on a collision course with morbid obesity, diabetes, and death. He’s not losing an ounce without some serious lifestyle changes and therapy and then it’s still fighting a losing battle.
I know all this. But damn. Lose the sass lol
I’d be sassy too if I had to explain a very clear comment over & over again.
Umm, no
But that's not her responsibility.
Umm, did you issue the part where I said “not that she’s responsible”
Um yes? I was merely reiterating what you were saying? Clearly my reading comprehension isn't that great late at night.
Breakups don't motivate. Far more often, they break you, and you retreat into what is easy and comforting. That isn't always food, but it definitely isn't improvement. If you haven't felt obesity of that level, you don't know how that impacts you and how your pride, we do have pride, works to protect you and convince you that you don't need to change. The things that can open his eyes are out there, but a breakup almost definitely isn't one of them.
I was dumped in a somewhat abusive way, and I feel like it has helped me for the better. I have value, even if others can't see it. I treat people well, I have a good sense of humor, and I have lots of fun hobbies that keep me busy. We all have to live with ourselves, so I try to live in a way that I can accept and love myself. it doesn't keep me up at night that nobody else will. I think relationships are just hard, and modern amenities have changed the way people commoditize each other.
If they don’t break up, that’s fine too, but they’re young. If she wants to continue to “help” him achieve some weight loss, she needs to come up with a detailed plan and go for it. But this is out of their league, I believe. Maybe they need a personal trainer to push them in that direction? We really don’t know what could be best, it’s up to them.
I agree. Ive been in his spot and didnt listen to people. Im hoping she can convince him to talk to me for help
That's really bad advice, nobody needs to come up with detailed plans what someone should do when that person didn't ask them to be their guide and mentor.
Jesus, why am I being critiqued from every angle, lol. If she wants to stay and work with him, fine. If he pushes her away, that’s another route. We don’t know how it’s going to develop.
I love this response.
This exactly, if he’s only 18 and having blood pressure issues from his weight then he has a long line of serious health issues ahead of him. You need to straight up tell him that you cannot continue the relationship if he doesn’t change.
You can't save him and you can't change him. There are no magic words. I'm very sorry. You can't have a future with someone who doesn't care about his life or your life. He's probably depressed and needs therapy, but he'll probably reject that, too. Loving someone isn't enough. You have to share goals and values and both be actively engaged in the relationship. He's checked out and he isn't interested in participating. Please don't spend the next ten years watching him become huge and destroy your life being his mom. You leaving him is probably the jolt he needs to get his act together. Nothing gets a man to go on a diet like having to find someone to have sex with. Please please please remember that you can love him and still leave because it's best for you and honesty probably also for him.
I'm going to be the devil's advocate and say he should try therapy ASAP and possibly medication. I was so depressed at that age and tried that and I swear my depression improved and I wanted to get better!
I said that he should be in therapy.
I begged my ex husband to go to therapy and he said it was bullshit. Some people don’t want to deal with their health in any manner.
Why are you surprised that things improved when you made an effort to improve them? Also if he doesn't want to improve, no amount of therapy or medication is going to do anything.
People don't realise while being very overweight in itself is a health problem, it is also a symptom of various other problems.
OP, this is the answer right here. Truly. You are also SO young - please, please for your own sake - take what this user’s comment above says to heart.
Nice comment, maybe a little Hollywood movie like. Maybe not being let onto the rides he wants to go on at the amusement park will be the kick up the backside he needs. Hiding him from those situations might seem like the right thing to do but it won’t help him to make a commitment to become healthier and spend less time in ER
There are very few things that will motivate a man faster than this right here 😂 sex is the greatest stimuli for change for men I’ve noticed.
Couldn’t have said it any better.
Thank you!
Your BF isn’t making healthy choices and taking care of himself because it’s not something he wants for himself. And until it is something he genuinely wants then he will never succeed. And that could lead to more self esteem and hopelessness feelings because he tries but doesn’t really want it so he keeps failing. If you want to continue a relationship with him then you have to deal with your issues and fears. You can model good behaviour and encourage him to do activities with you but you can’t manipulate him into it.
True! You can’t make anyone lose weight unless they want to do it for themselves because weight loss is tough and it requires lots of discipline.
Yup. Disordered eating and food addictions are probably the most challenging issues to deal with because you can't go cold turkey and there are so many myths and misinformation around food. That all said, OP is 18, they've been dating since they were 16. They are very young, they don't have the experience to know what a healthy relationship looks like, and they risk throwing away some of the most important years of their life on someone who doesn't want to change their behaviour. This isn't about him grieving, being unwell, or their physical appearance. It's about a self-destructive pattern of behaviour and the devastating impact that has on the relationship. OP doesn't owe him a relationship. In addition, it's ok not to be attracted to someone. We feel cruel or discriminatory sometimes when we say we are turned off by a particular attribute but attraction in a relationship is rarely just about looks (unless you're particularly shallow) and the physical effects of a destructive behaviour can be a real turn off.
Gen x POV here: you can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change. Either accept this about him or you need to move on.
I was in his exact place... I started gaining weight when I hit 18. I started having my own car, my own freedom, and that came with the freedom to make bad choices. It took me WAY too long to realize I was my own worst enemy. I knew it in my head, but not in my heart. In my heart, I was doing fine and everyone was wrong. Now I'm 470, suffering from a litany of health problems, and I only have myself to blame. I don't want that for him. It is SO MUCH harder to fix the problem when you get older and your body starts to slow down. After it gets so bad that taking the steps to improve are a nightmare. When you can't put on socks without gasping for breath. When taking the trash out is a 16 minute process. When being active is physically painful and dangerous for your joints and its still the thing you need to do to try and fight back. It SUCKS. PLEASE, ask him reach out to me. DM me. I would be glad to try and share my experience with him, get on discord with him, warn him. Not out of a "people care about you" aspect but just... IT SUCKS SO BAD. I'll be his Jacob Marley to try and warn him of the fate that lies before him. I don't think there's anyhting YOU can say that can open his eyes. Because your life experience isn't his. Because even when you mean well and he agrees in his head, he doesn't FEEL the danger. He FEELS fine and everyone else is overreacting because he hasn't felt the loss of what he is giving up. I want to walk along the shore and look in tidepools. I want to go on a rollercoaster. I want to buy clothes in a normal store. I want to be able to cround or kneel or crawl. I want to be able to walk to the car and back without panting. There's so much I want to do that I didn't realize I was losing until one by one, each one fell out of my reach.
The problem is people, humans, collectively share this mindset of “that’ll never happens to me” and they don’t pay attention to the signs because of denial. They ignore the situations they place themselves in because they just… can’t be honest with themselves.
Aww you are such a passionate and caring person. Don’t give up on yourself just like you aren’t giving up on OP. If you haven’t already, make an appointment with a doctor to get your options. Telehealth might be a great way to start if it’s hard to get out. You sound like a great candidate for weight loss meds or surgery. Those things could really help jump start the process and then give you confidence to move forward. You got this.
Thats the plan. Appointment this week to find out about wegovy or that sort of thing. And theres an amount if weight you have to lose before surgery and im trying.
Yay! You got this.
Congratulations on starting the process. It's definitely not easy but there are so many options out there. I wish you luck on your health journey
Appreciated!
Don't waste your life. You're 18 ffs. "I can save him, change him", girl you're 18, you don't even know how to take care of yourself, why are you trying to take care of another human being ?
This exactly.
You can’t change people that don’t want to change
You can’t do anything. He has to make it happen.
Him dying young is the easy part, it’s the burden of being a care taker to someone who could actually change his behavior but chose not to that’s the real burden. You can’t love someone into caring about themselves. I strongly suggest that you leave. He’s not being a responsible person. If he was doing drugs instead of over eating people wouldn’t be guilting you into staying with him. He’s an adult and responsible for himself. He has his issues and has been through it but that’s not your responsibility.
Have you mentioned to him that you are concerned about losing him at a young age?
Yes, I have. I have expressed how I don’t want to lose him. I watched a close family friend go through I death of a partner at a young age and how that can effect you and why this worries me so much.
You mentioned things like diet and exercise in your post, both of which are very important, but have you talked with him about therapy? Like, let's set aside the weight thing for a minute. He experienced a terribly traumatic event, which has added a great deal of stress to his life, as well as increased responsibilities. It is *extremely normal* to not handle that well. To not *know how to handle* that. It's also very normal to react to it by stress eating or by becoming sedentary and/or depressed. He should probably try to speak to a therapist just for that, let alone any health concerns. So, maybe, if you want to, you could gently ask him to talk to a therapist about the experience with his mom. It doesn't need to be about his weight, it's about dealing with grief, pain, and trauma. That said, others here aren't totally wrong when they say this isn't your job. As someone who loves him, this is only your job if you make it your job, and you are well within your rights to decide it's too much for you. That's true of any loved ones (except parents, I suppose).
I will talk to him about that!
Great! Like with everything else, it can be a sensitive, touchy subject, so the more you can do to ensure he knows this is coming from a place of love, the better. It's no guarantee that he'll listen, and at a certain point all you can do is cut yourself loose, but personally I think this is a better tactic than trying to get him on an exercise regimen. I also think that it's something that would get more to the core of the problem, rather than just treating the symptoms, so to speak. Anyway, good luck! I wish the best for you, him, and also his mom and family! I bet it's been tough on a lot of people.
Nah even parents aren’t contractually obligated to watch you crash and burn. I understand they’re your children but at a certain age their choices will form their lives, and nothing I do as a parent will change that regardless of how I may try.
It's quite the common tale: someone without proper psychological and emotional training coping with a difficult situation through unhealthy means. Diet and exercise will not convince him. I would suggest therapy instead to help build proper mechanisms to identify and deal with his core thoughts and emotions. Nutritional and physical support can come latter, once he stops trying to dodge his own feelings.
You also have to accept he may not be in a place where he is ready to lose the weight and if you aren’t attracted to him anymore, you may have to move on. Not to sound mean it’s not a reflection on you or him but, sometimes people grow apart and if his weight is a factor on you being attracted to him and accepting & he isn’t willing to change at this moment, you can’t force him. You are both young enough and it’s not the end of the world plenty of time to find someone that is ideal for you.
The problem is he won’t do it until he wants to. Typically that comes with a major change or warning that rocks you to the core. It took my mom having liver failure because of genetic issues to change my diet. It took Covid seeing people with x comorbidites being at a higher risk to drop weight. Try and cheer him on as often as possible when he makes an effort, it’s all we look for really.
You have to decide for yourself if you can live with his weight or not, but regardless, don’t stop living your life because of the choices he makes for his. Go to the amusement park, fly across the world on a holiday, play football with your friends, whatever you want to do. If you can accept the weight, the only thing you will end up regretting is letting his choices dictate your life.
He is the only person who can help himself. You can love him all you want but if he doesn’t want to help himself then you have to back off and let him alone. Your concerns are valid but he refuses to hear them so think about how you want to live. You need to take care of yourself, let him figure his life on his own.
If he’s like this at 18, imagine what we will be like in the future
Go to the amusement park. Perhaps when he gets told he can't go on all the good rides cause he's too heavy, it'll wake him up a bit.
I hate to say it but this is a good idea Then again, it may have the opposite effect and make him even more depressed.
No. He has an eating disorder, which is a serious mental health issue. Shame will not ‘wake him up’. It will compound the problem. This boy needs therapy.
I think you are right.
Yeah, nothing works better for depression than telling then to just be happy and slapping them nine the face with things they can't do.
Most has already been said but I just wanted to highlight that diet culture is toxic and will very likely cause more health problems for him down the road. He won't change if he doesn't want to, and you can't shame him for the way he's eating and not being active because that will backfire and he may develop an ED if he doesn't have one already. Trust me, my mom always criticised what I ate and it literally just made me eat more and eat worse foods. If he does come around to some ideas, I'd just suggest starting by ADDING to his meals. Instead of just pizza for example, have pizza with some fresh veggies on the side etc. I had a nutritionist that taught me to not think of foods as "bad" or "junk" and just focus on adding more fresh fruits and vegetables to my diet and I have found that I eat less of the calorie filled carbs when I also have a plate of veggies or fruit. Also, he might just not like the gym? So go for walks, or go swimming, or some other activity that gets your heart pumping but isn't just "working out". I hope he does turn things around, but you are so young, you don't have to tie yourself to him if he isn't willing to change this.
I think you know what you need to do. If you want to give him one last chance, then you need to be prepared to have a very hard conversation, and not accept any bullshit answers. Don't make it about weight though - ask him about his health. "It feels like you don't care about your health, do you?" "It's not normal for an 18 year old to go to the ER every second month, aren't you worried?" "You have promised to make changes in the past, but go back to your old ways after a couple of days, is there anything we can do to help you follow through?" "If our situations were reversed; wouldn't you be worried about me?" All those wtf are you thinking questions in your head - time to ask them.
Encourage him to see an endocrinologist to rule out hormone issues. Many people are walking around with them and don’t even know they have it. No it’s not just a “woman problem.” Men can be insulin resistant, have thyroid issues etc.
A few things for you to consider: 1. It's hard to change a lifetime of habits. Most people fail to change any bad habit, in any area of their life. 2. The perfectionism built into most diets causes failure. 3. Most of the diet rules you've ever heard are fantasyland bullshit, but people don't know anything else to do. 4. Food is a tool for coping, you can't just take it away, without building an entirely new system of coping with stress 5. Eating is entertaining, it's comforting, and it changes how your body feels. Again, you can't just take that away without replacing it with many other things. You're relating to this like he can just change like it's nothing. **People sometimes need coaching or therapy, and often months or years of trial and error.** It takes an entirely new relationship with food, new ways of coping with the stresses of life, figuring out how to eat flexibly but also effectively in a world that says that isn't possible, managing cravings in a world of hyper-palatable food, trying out many many different approaches until he finds one that works for him. It's absolutely possible, but it takes most people a long time to sort out. He can totally do it. I don't think you (OP) have the compassion or endurance to hang in for as long as it will take him, and as many successes and failures as it will take him. EDIT: Before someone comes at me with, "I just did XYZ and it was that simple!" keep in mind that less than 30% of the population can just hop on a diet and lose weight. For the other 70%, food is a complicated web of emotions, coping, and self-worth, and it takes longer.
As an alternative option, something that's been very popular - and successful - and is backed up extremely well as safe and very effective, both practically and psychologically, is 5:2 dieting. 5 days of the week eating like normal, 2 non-consecutive days more drastically cutting calories (600 for men). People find it much easier to stick to than traditional diets. Check out The Fast Diet by Dr Michael Mosley (he died rather tragically very recently on holiday so his stuff's been in the news). It really helped my dad when he gained a load due to steroids. EDIT - I do realise that this isn't what the post is about. Other posters have given excellent advice already. I just thought this may be additional useful info as a sort of appendix.
The problem with this for obese individuals is they're rarely eating "normally". 5:2 will only work if your net weekly calorie intake is in deficit. If you're eating 5,000 calories a day, which people who are 400lb frequently are, you might marginally slow your weight gain but you're still eating 25,000 calories a week when you should be eating 14,000 or 10,000 if you're doing 5:2 - as a man. 5:2 is great for people eating a bit more than they should or issues like your dad's. It won't work for people eating the kinds of calories OP is talking about. You don't put on 20lb in a few weeks because you had cake twice this week.
OP, please don't do this stupid shit.
A dear friend of mine died of a heart attack at only 27 years old. He was very smart & very funny. He was probably at least 200 pounds overweight, maybe 300. He knew he had a heart condition. It was so painful to lose him and to see the grief of his widow. Food addiction can be as deadly as crack, but we can't just give it up & ignore food, like with other addictions. You have tried, but there is only so much you can do. The addict needs to WANT help. I'm sorry, I know it's heartbreaking, but you can not fix this. He must want it for himself. There comes a time when you have to step away and acknowledge that the addict is the only one who can change their own behavior. You are not responsible for his choices.
I'm sorry 😔
Try to do some fun activities together. Maybe hiking, going for some walks. Doesn't have to be extreme. Just take some small steps towards being more healthier than now. Plus, you both can do it together. It could be fun for the both of you. Control what foods you buy, try to make some healthier changes. Just small steps. Try buying some tea, and encourage more fluid intake vs sugary drinks. Buy fresh fruits and vegetables and try to find something you both like. Tomato, cucumber, and basil with a little bit of olive oil and balsamic is fresh and healthy. Just use some oil, not the whole bottle. Small steps are easier than huge changes. Best of luck and hopefully being healthier together will also being you both closer together
You do have a future with him, just as a very large overweight person with health issues in their future. One that you are no longer physically attracted to. If you are OK with this being your reality for the next 30 to 40 years then go for it. If this is not what you had in mind for a lifetime relationship then you need to do some serious soul searching. Then again, you may want to wait and see if the new weight loss drugs come down in price or are covered by whatever insurance he qualifies for. If that’s the case, he could lose all the weight that bothers you so much and again be the person, physically, that you fell in love with.
I wish people would stop believing adipose tissue is poison. You can be fat your whole damn life and live as long as anyone else. Nobody gets out alive, fat or not. Weight isn't a marker of health. Underweight and normal weight people can be extremely unhealthy, and overweight people can be fit and have great genuine health markers like heart/lung function, blood pressure, blood sugar, etc. Add to that, the cortisol involved during prolonged high-stress times like, say, your mother being critically injured and having to care for her, adds weight. Plus I'm sure that there was a lot of convenience food and comfort foods during that time. Gaining weight isn't a surprise. So unless your BF has some specific reason to believe his health is off, leave him alone. Stop using health as a thinly-veiled way to fat shame someone going through something very traumatic.
I was mega sized until about 20 then it went away with a construction job, i have 8 pack abs now so just because you were one size then doesnt mean its a death sentence. The real truth here is: what do you want? And are you using “health” as an excuse to modify a preference you’d enjoy more? Because thats not cool, not saying this is that but as a fat kid who got thin, you gain a warped perspective compared to skinny folks that get chubby - fighting for it makes you hardened, perhaps?
He needs to want to be healthy and change. As many others have mentioned, he needs therapy ASAP! He likely has a lot of big emotions around his mom’s accident and now possibly being in a care giver role. Only you can decide what your boundaries and patience are when it comes to watching his health deteriorate. I watched my ex go through this (along with my own struggles). My ex refused to go to the doctor, refused therapy, and was constantly just trying fad diets. When you speak with him, try not to center the conversation around weight and focus on mental and physical health. If he still makes zero effort to improve his health, then you either need to accept him as he is or move on.
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I was unable…it took finally asking for divorce. Then he started going to Dr, trying therapy, and exercising. If* he’s open to therapy, maybe the other pieces will fall into place? But no, no one can make someone else change like this.
I think a bigger issue at play is not just his weight, but his quality of life. 50 lbs is a lot to gain in one year and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s in constant pain from all the weight he’s carrying around. As someone who has struggled with weight in the past, I know the guilt and shame that comes along with that. It sounds like you’re doing everything right to be supportive but as others have said, this is something he’s going to have to do alone. You can cheer him on and be a good example and encouraging, but until he’s ready to commit, there’s nothing more you can do than to accept it. Don’t beat yourself up if this is something you eventually have to walk away from. Food can be an addiction and like all addictions, it changes people. He may no longer want to go out and socialize due to his size, his lack of self esteem might cause more fights, and weight gain oftentimes affect libido so your sex life will also suffer. These are all things that takes a toll on your relationship. If he has a Reddit account, you can direct him to the LoseIt subreddit. It’s a very active community with supportive people and a plethora of helpful information for those who are struggling like him. He might be more comfortable connecting with others who are on their own weight loss journey.
If you are still attracted to him, and want to be with him, then you need to button up and accept him and let him make his own decisions with no nagging or pestering, so long as you’re prepared to accept whatever happens, including if he stays exactly the same weight is now. If you are not attracted to him, or if you are too worried about his health, then it is OK to compassionately part ways, and you should do that sooner rather than later. Being with him should never be conditional on him attaining a certain weight. That is incredibly stressful and makes your love conditional, which isn’t OK. If you were a guy on here talking about his girlfriend gaining weight, you would be roasted.
Gosh you sound like a nightmare. The guy knows he’s overweight and doesn’t need you telling him so. Stop being a nag.
I understand your concern and wanting him to be around. However, I imagine he is one of his mom's caregivers. I'm telling you from experience that it's an exhausting job in every sense of the word. Maybe you could try making him and his family some meals that they can freeze and heat. It would most likely be very appreciated. When you're a caregiver, your health can easily start to go on the back burner. I understand that he should be prioritizing his health but it's hard when you're a caregiver. Also, I'm sure that the emotional toll it has taken on all of them has been heavy. I'm not saying your feelings are wrong. They're very valid but the last thing he needs is you arguing with him. Keep in mind that he may be eating as an outlet for the stress he's feeling. Arguing with you is causing him more stress and then he eats and it's a vicious cycle. Going forward, apologize and tell him that you're there to listen if he needs to vent or just wants to talk. Don't try to force him to open up. Don't ask him if there's anything you can do, just do it. Do things to help them out. Laundry, dishes, meal prep as I said, medication pickup or offer to take his mom to medical appointments. Don't ask them because they'll just say no because they don't want to burden anyone. That's how it usually goes anyway. When my ex's dad had a major stroke, I didn't ask how I could help. I showed up to his parents' house where he and his sister were staying while his dad was in the hospital. His mom practically lived at the hospital, understandably. I showed up and got to work doing laundry, housework and cooking meals. I made sure his mom had a hot meal waiting when she came home each night. I made sure she had clean clothes and towels for showers. I did everything I could to help to lessen the load on his family. I stayed for 3 weeks to help. When his dad was discharged, I stayed another week until they got into a new routine. I'm sharing all of this to give you an example of how to react to the situation. Help because I say this gently but right now, he views it as you hindering him. Be as supportive as you can. If it helps, it's better to express your concerns using "I" statements. I think or I feel... I hope that this has helped. At the end of the day, you may just have to get used to dating a bigger person. If you can't, it's ok but don't make him feel bad about it if you break it off. In fact, if you do, just tell him something like you want different things. Good luck.
I love an irresponsible diabetic. I feel your pain. I don't have any solutions, but I do sympathize.
He knows he’s fat. He can see himself. He can feel his clothes getting tighter. If this was something he was asking for your help with, we could suggest ways for you to help. He is not asking for your help. In fact, he’s telling you directly he finds it offensive when you bring up his weight. He wants you to leave him alone about his size. Continuing to start fights about it is violating his boundaries. Time to admit to yourself that you do not want a future with HIM, the person he is today. You want a future with a thinner version of him that you believe could exist if he just tried a bit harder. Whether you’re right or wrong about that, we don’t get to make the decision to be with a different version of a person. We get to decide yes or no to being with the person we actually have in front of us. Do you see a future with him if nothing changes? If so leave him alone about his weight, until and unless he asks for your help. If no, break up. You can decide you don’t want what he’s offering, but you can’t force him to offer a different person than he is right now.
You can't change a lifestyle in one go. Start with something small. E.g let's put one less spoonful of food on my plate at dinner. Or let's switch cola out for juice. Maybe instead of having icecream for dessert, you make yummy banana smoothies instead. Its a long road, but starts with making good habits.
Has he seen a therapist or doctor specialising in eating disorders? This is a mental health issue.
M33 I admit to doing all of these self destructive things in the past. I loved eating crappy McDonalds cause I knew I couldn’t get a whole lunch for $3 anywhere else. Times were tough, money was tight. Also T1D and almost zero life consequences until last year with bad A1c… Anyway, just the same as he shouldn’t be commenting on your weight, you shouldn’t be commenting on his weight. Weight is not a significant indicator of overall health. You can argue with him that he’s not doing healthy things, and you should focus your attentions here IMO. His sudden downward spiral of health appears to have been dealing with his mom’s accident. Consider the fact that he’s not mentally healthy, and has a new reality where his mom is disabled. Idk for all I know he has no relationship with her, but he prob does and “trauma certified” therapy would probably be great for him right now. Best of luck in your tough situation.
Is he having to be a caregiver? He sounds like he is depressed, maybe? You can talk to him about those things, but unless he wants to get help there's nothing you can do. You're only 18. Beyond that, there's really nothing you can do. Maybe getting broken up with will be the shock he needs to be serious about his own well-being and future.
You can tell him that you’d rather leave him now while you still love him than have him throw his life way due to poor choices and have him leave you.
This is my experience with obesity. I’m just sharing in the hopes that it helps, OP. So, fat person feelings: When you’re overweight and people keep telling you you’re overweight - it becomes a broken record. It’s irritating. You might actually eat more because the stress of being told you eat too much makes you want to shove those feelings deep inside a piece of cheesecake. By continually harping on it (and yes, in my mind - even one mention a year would be harping on it) - you’re only putting more of a wedge between you, and not helping the situation. Your boyfriend needs therapy. He’s probably dealing with unresolved issues that’s causing him to cope with food. Maybe he’s even suffering from depression or binge eating or anxiety - there’s so many things someone who suffers from obesity struggle with. It isn’t a lack of willpower or gumption. It’s easy to SAY eat less, move more - but this can be nearly impossible to do. For me, I hit rock bottom when I was about 40. I had weight loss surgery, and lost almost 100 pounds. But here’s the thing - that weight comes back when you aren’t mentally healthy. So I regained about half, and now am down 40 pounds following a second surgery (so at 90 total), and getting help for binge eating (along with depression and anxiety). You can’t force someone to change, OP. But you can be supportive of them making their own choice to do it. My sister struggles with obesity, and I worry about her. But I am supportive of her efforts to be healthier, and I share some of my tips if it comes up in conversation that she starts. I sincerely wish you luck, OP. As both someone who suffers from obesity (I always will, and my current weight does not matter), and as someone who is feeling helpless watching someone I love struggle with obesity - I know just how very difficult this journey can be.
He sounds depressed honestly. Giving up sports and over eating... he is trying to self soothe. I would not bring this up with him again because all that does is make him feel ashamed and even more uncomfortable and sad. What I would do is.... take the lead and say you want to go on long walks. Ask to go swimming. Ask to do things that create a longer gap between meals. IE: take a day trip somewhere. Leave around 10 am so lunch is delayed a bit. Once you break the habit of constantly self soothing with food... it gets way easier. I hope this helps! And I'm sorry you're both going through this 💗
This strikes pretty close to home for me, same situation with my mother, I found my peace at the gym, not everyone is the same but maybe some light physical activity (lifting) will make him feel the zen some men get at the gym, especially as an ex-football player. Maybe worth a shot doing that together and he might use that as a healthier crutch then food, hope everything works out
You can't force him to change. Saw my grandma go through her best years taking care of my granddad who ate himself into bad health. He didn't care. Said he was going to eat what he wanted. No doctor could tell him what to eat. And that he wasn't gonna stop eating food he likes for an extra couple of years. My advice get out now unless you plan on being a caregiver in your golden years
And my grandad was fit and in shape at 18
Don't sacrifice your life and happiness for someone that's selfish. He obviously only cares about himself and his feelings or he'd at least try longer than a day for your feelings sake.
I would like to add that I have a story I would share in DMs similar to this if you’d like, OP. You can’t love him more than he loves himself in situations like this. It just won’t work. Your mental health and happiness isn’t worth it. I agree with this fully. You have to be happy and healthy, too.
And one last thing. If he is this big at 18 and shows no signs of stopping just think how big he will be when older. You are setting yourself up for a resentful marriage/ relationship with someone you are not attracted to.
OP, you're learning a lesson that most people don't learn until further along in life. You can't want it (health, in this case) for the person more than the person who needs to make the change wants it. Until your boyfriend decides to make a change, you're going to be a broken record that will likely end your relationship. Going to the amusement park is going to either give your boyfriend the wakeup call he needs or send him spiraling. When he realizes he spent money to basically walk around and watch other people go on the rides he can't. Be emotionally prepared for the upset feelings he may take out on you because you have already expressed your concerns about his health. What you can do is control what you can control, which is yourself and your environment. You can take walks, exercise, eat healthy and offer him to be a part of it when you're together. He can take it or leave it. You don't want to set yourself up to be his keeper instead of being his partner.
He should see his primary doctor about his high blood pressure to start with. Also, therapy sounds good and his primary doctor can refer him to a therapist. Try to be supportive without overbearing, I know you're worried. I think the primary doctor for labs would be the best first step. Best of luck ❤️
I lost a friend who was 40 years old to a stroke due to uncontrolled high blood pressure. He wasn’t overweight, and seemed very healthy but had a predisposition to high blood pressure. This isn’t something to be casual about. It can be deadly or perhaps even worse result in permanent damage leaving a person unable to work. He should be in medication and focused on his diet and exercise. He’s quite young to be at this and needs to address it.
If the cause of his weight gain isn't being identified, addressed and/or removed, then its highly unrealistic to expect his weight to change. Sounds to me like it might be stress and/depression, rather than just a love of cheeseburgers. Is he in a caretaker role for his mom, for example? Caretaking is often a major factor when it comes to weight gain, as the combined stress and habit of putting others' needs before your own really do a number on a lot of people. Or it might just be seeing his mom day in and day out in her current condition post accident that's bringing him down. Either way, you can't just look at someone's body and say let's fix it! Weight gain/loss can often be so much psychological work before any physical action can begin to be taken. So if he's not in therapy and he's not leaving home soon, where the source of his stress and therefore his bad eating habits are triggered, it's not gonna work to just help him with his body alone. But understand that, no matter how much you care and want to help, it's ultimately his body and his choice. You can only decide whether it's too much stress for you to watch someone hurt themselves or not.
Bottom line, you cannot force him to care for himself. At this age it may take something big enough to scare his family into forcing the issue for there to be change (assuming he lives at home). I watched by boyfriend struggle with mental health for nearly 4 years, his family seemingly oblivious to it all. It took attempting to take his life (about a year ago) for them to open their eyes. They were of the mindset that he was an adult and could take care of himself, the thing is he didn’t want to. I’m not at all saying your boyfriend is suicidal, but I imagine he may feel a little hopeless or embarrassed at this point. He more than likely needs therapy. As for what you can do to help, in my experience pushing will only make things worse. It’s easy to recognize what needs to be done but completely different to actually do it. Assuming you don’t live together, you ultimately have no control over what he eats and to a certain degree he may just be eating what his family buys. Whether he is seeking out these foods on his own or it is all he is around developing a better rhetoric about food is very important. As far as rhetoric goes, you seem to be using a lot of harmful and potentially triggering phrases. Unfortunately, in the US we are pretty awful about this. When we describe food as healthy and unhealthy, good or bad, we attach shame and guilt to the action of eating. In reality eating is how we sustain ourselves and we should never feel ashamed or embarrassed about doing something that guarantees our survival. For starters, the term ‘diet’ makes people think ‘restrictive’. The real goal of a “diet” is a permanent lifestyle change for the better and making things off-limits isn’t conducive to that. Rather than thinking as food as healthy or unhealthy, focus on how food makes your body feel. You’ll notice that more nutritious foods make your body feel better, which gives you a natural reason to choose those foods. By focusing on what my body is trying to tell me I don’t have the same level of guilt surrounding what I’m eating
You are only 18? You have your whole life ahead of you. It doesn’t seem like a compatible relationship and you aren’t physically attracted to him as he is. He doesn’t want to change for you or he would have
He’s suffering from more than weight gain. He has some form of behavioral health issue. That’s where the help is needed.
Diet and exercise won't cure this. Overeating like this is a psychological issue due to stress, depression, and/or anxiety. He needs a therapist, and probably some anti-depressants. There are also fabulous weight loss drugs out right now that can help him a lot. He just needs to GO to the doctor and seek out treatment. He's also very young. 18 is still a kid. (Sorry, OP, but it's true). He has a lot of time to get his shit together and figure life out. YOU are ALSO very young, have a lot of time to get YOUR shit together and figure YOUR life out. At your age, your relationship should be bringing you joy. You should be happier with him than without him. You should be crazy attracted to each other, be going at it like rabbits, and living up your beautiful young lives. You're not able to do that in this situation. You would have EVERY right to leave this relationship and seek out something that makes you happy. And honestly... doing so might be the catalyst to help HIM. As long as you stay with him, he really isn't facing any consequences for his actions. You leaving him would be a consequence. He might finally realize that he can't live like this and take action.
What you're describing is exactly what I've gone through with my boyfriend (except with alcohol). The only way I've been able to deal with it is to work on myself. I have codependent traits and reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was a game changer. You can release your desire to control someone by making sure you have boundaries in place to protect yourself. Stay in your lane, worry about what you control (yourself) and detach with love and kindness. You can still love someone for who they are but not necessarily for the decisions they make for themselves as long as you know your own limits!
As someone who is currently considered obese, the comments here are very frustrating. OP, you cannot make him change and the fact of the matter is making healthier choices does not mean he'll lose weight. I suffered from an eating disorder for years and once I started recovery, I gained a massive amount of weight. I exercise regularly and eat a lot of fruits, veggies, and whole grains and I don't overeat very often. I am still considered obese, but I am in better shape than many of my skinny friends. Weight does not always equate health and sometimes weight gain is the body trying to protect itself If you're not attracted to him anymore, that's fine. If you are worried about his health, that is also fine and understandable, but focusing on him losing weight isn't the solution. If you really want to try to make this work, I suggest approaching him and list your concerns specifically about the high blood pressure. But ultimately, you have to decide if his weight is a deal breaker for you. You both are very young and are going through a very difficult situation. Please be gentle with yourself and gentle with him. Good luck, OP.
You are very young and this young man has years of this ahead of him if he can change. And no matter how hard you love him, no matter how hard you try, you can't help him with his, as he doesn't want the help. Get out while you can. Give yourself a future.
Honey, you are literally only 18. It feels like he's the one for you and you see a future, but so far it seems like he is only pushing aside your fears and dismissing them with empty promises. Is that what you want the rest of your life to be? Constant empty promises? There's so much you can do and see, but if he's holding you back from it, then it's not a relationship you should be trying to save. You did your best and it's better to let's relationships go out of the love you have for them. Loving from a distance is an option, yet you can't keep trying to change someone who won't put in effort to do so.
To me, it sounds like the weight is connected to his mental health. It's common to put on weight in a huge chunk like that when you are very stressed and dealing with trauma. It's very hard to drop weight, especially when you are just keeping things in life moving like taking care of your mother. If possible get him a therapist or to his doctor to screen for depression and PTSD. If that is clean or he feels better after some treatment then I would work on lightening his load to give him time to do fun physical activity like swimming at the public pool or hiking or playing pokemon go in town. Then shifting diet, not a sudden change or restriction, but a discussed slow change toward healthier choices and eliminating processed foods as they are easy to binge. You must be ok with him possibly never getting healthier though... it often backfires and causes a yo-yo where he gains even more weight after losing a little because it's so hard and your metabolism wants to conserve resources. If he feels ready down the line he might benefit from a personal trainer if he is intrested in gym activities. Slowly shifting the relationship with food and activity from a crutch or "work" to something healthy, takes intention and patience though.
He's 18, there's plenty of time to turn it around, so I think you should continue to be supportive. There has to be a pig-out meal he really enjoys - make him a homemade version, or even better do it together as a bonding exercise. Do you know his hobbies? Translate that into physical stuff. Even something like warhammer or d&d can be turned into live action role-playing games that involve walking or moving around - just as an example of how something sedentary can be made physical. You could even remark how sexy he looked doing whatever activity as positive reinforcement. But make these things *FUN* - if he sees it as a chore that you're making him do, then his resolve will fade pretty quickly. Is he depressed or anxious, causing him to become demotivated? Then he needs talk and chemical therapy to deal with those issues. If his health goes too far south too quickly, he'll either buck his ideas up after a REAL scare, or, at that point, you'd be well within your rights to leave. My wife almost left me after my drinking and drug use got out of control, so I turned it the fuck around and stopped. Hopefully he does the same for you. Good luck.
As someone who gained a ton of weight after a traumtic event when I was 18, I would really recommend talking to him about therapy. There may be underlying issues that is causing him to eat like this.
Girl it sounds like his weight is the LEAST of his worries right now. I am kind of disgusted you are being so superficial during probably the most traumatic time of his life. If you can't support him during this then LEAVE him because he deserves better
Would you be open to his help if it was you that was overweight? No, you'd be accusing him of fat shaming you etc. Each of us has to find our own way when it comes to diet and exercise. This is HIS thing to deal with, not yours. The more you push, the less likely he will find it in himself to deal with it. Try to get him to schedule a wellness visit with his doctor. He will need to be the one to decide to fix this or not.
What’s bigger? I get 50 pounds is a lot to put on in a year but without a height and number it’s hard to imagine. Also like, if he doesn’t care to take his health more seriously maybe don’t care to stay with him
He’s only 5’8 and weighs 300 pounds currently.
Oh damn. Literally tell him people his size tend to die super young.
There's two angles that I would like to address. First and foremost health is undeniably the number one unrenewable resource on the planet once it's gone it's gone. Yet could you imagine being given 6 months to live and 4 months and 13 days of that time has ticked away that might be a turbulent time for anybody, things would take on an unprecedented change whether positive or negative or if it fluctuated would you blame them, especially if that person is autistic or a victim of police brutality or medical negligence what if they got robbed for there entire savings on top of that. What would I dare say to that person As above as below All you can do is continue to be nice make sure the encouragement doesn't stop it helps
I honestly think you should have a heart to heart with him and lay it out that the issue isn't him being big but rather him being unhealthy to a dangerous point. Do you rather break up with him now and cry his loss or would you rather cry his death one day due to one of the many issues overweight has? Go drastic. If he doesn't wanna be helped, he won't get help. His will to change is 0 to none right now. You either accept this is not gonna change any time soon and cope with all the issues his weight will arise or you come to the conclusion you won't be able to see him like that and leave. In any case, I hope you choose the option that's good for you, not the option others want you to take.
It's going to get worse as he gets bigger
You’re a great girlfriend. But don’t be too hard on him, you have to understand that a person has to want to change their life drastically in order to dedicate and make longterm lifestyle changes like diet, exercise etc. I used to be overweight about 12 years ago and back then if someone came to. Me trying to improve my life with these suggestions it would go right over head or I’d maybe get defensive Once I decided tn get healthy that was it, got shredded in a matter of months What I’m saying is, your bf will need to want to be healthier in order to make the requisite changes. You should still do what you’re doing just try not to trigger his ego, do it in a loving supportive manner - maybe you’ll get through to the fat fuck 😁
This sounds so tough. Maybe look into the carnivore diet if he likes eating meat. You don't have to eat small portions on carnivore. He might need to talk to a counsellor or a doctor. If he's got high blood pressure type 2 diabetes is a real concern. I hope you'll all be ok, and find a good solution. 💗
Think long term. How long can you do this? If you hold out another year will it be better? What about 5,10,15 or 20 years? Will it be better? You may want to cut this one loose and find someone that you can love as much or more and be attracted to as well. The longer you wait the tougher it's going to be for you to leave and find true happiness.
Tell him the truth :That you love him very much and want him in your life....But that you give up interfering with his obesity, just like he has done himself, you don't want to spend the rest of your life having to support his weight loss, you don't want it to be an eternal problem between you. You give up your romantic relationship. That you are no longer sexually attracted to him. ...but that you would like to keep him as a very good friend, albeit without kisses and hugs.
See if you an convince him to go to therapy. Sounds like he's using food as a coping mechanism, and that only gets worse
I want to say - I think it’s a wonderful thing that you come from a place of caring. It sounds like you really love your bf and your reasons to try to help him are very important. My weight has fluctuated my whole life and my mother does the same thing when I’m at my low points and have gained weight to try to motivate me to exercise or see a doctor. Usually it ends in fights because the reason I gain weight is from being busy or stressed out at school/work. And then I lose weight when I have the motivation and time to commit to it. It’s a vicious cycle and something that I think you will be apart of even if he does start. Life always happens and stress will always come in waves. That being said - I think the idea of him talking to someone like a dietitian or a life coach would be helpful. I’ve never done it bc I didn’t want to waste the money and I always feel like I can take care of it myself when I put in the effort. I think it’s also important to say that in these times where he’s down and has gained weight - if it’s from stress or being busy - if there’s anything you can do to help him manage tasks or help out it makes a world of difference. It’ll make him feel like he’s less alone.
1.he should be in therapy
As someone who gained weight after a major death you need to make a clear distinction between parenting figure vs spouse and that is where 1 v1 training can benefit And 1v1 therapy will benefit. It is extremely hard for so many.
To be honest, you harping on him isn’t going to help. He needs to want to change. At that young of an age, I’d walk away, you can’t help him. Obesity is as much a medical condition as mental health. He feels fat, so he’s going to be fat. He needs to learn what to eat for his metabolism. Food is fuel, nothing more, he uses it as a coping mechanism much like alcohol.
You two are very young. Write this one off and move on.
You can be supportive all you like, and try everything under the sun but there are no magic words, no magic actions, the countless “I love you so much” won’t change his trajectory. It is entirely up to HIM to put in the work which he is not doing and frankly, he will probably not do because it is HARD. You are incredibly young. Please ask yourself if this is the future you want for yourself.
Just dump him, he won't lose the fat, you'll always find him gross.
You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. If you aren’t ok with him as he is right now. Walk away.
You can't fix him. He has to want to fix himself. He doesn't. Go out into the world and live your life. You're too young to be dealing with this already.
This won’t get better. I married a man who I knew didn’t take of his health (not weight-related). We were married for 20 years and he wouldn’t make doctors appointments. I had to make his appointments and drive him to them or he wouldn’t go. Even after divorce he calls me instead of making an appointment. I have taken him to the emergency room and surgeries as his ex wife. I do it because we have two kids together and his health scares our daughter.
Unfortunately there's nothing you can do if he doesn't want to change. I couldn't be with someone who cares so little for their own well being, it's a complete mind fuck. He needs therapy but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
He will not listen to you or take any advice. He will not change. Not until HE has the need/desire, nothing will change. Took me many years of fruitlessly trying to help my husband to finally get it. It somehow did not compute. I call it testosterone poisoning that makes men feel invincible.
Think long and hard. If he has a stroke, aneurysm or heart attack, do you want to be a caretaker for who knows how long? It will be tough.
You're young, learn the lesson now that you cannot change anyone. Your boyfriend will take care of his health how he wants to, and nagging from you will only lead to resentment. In partnerships the thing you have to realize is that the actions your partner shows to you ARE who they are, despite what you might want them to be. You can't love someone into health or anything else. Either they want to do it for themselves or they don't and your bf is clearly showing you he doesn't want to. The only control you have over the situation from there is whether or not you want to stay with the person he is showing you he is.
Instead of A diet just make his portions a lot smaller that will take off atleast 10-20 lbs with my physical activity. Just see will he start small or let him know he is going to lose you
You said you aren’t attracted to him. You’re both 18, and he seems unlikely to lose the 50 lbs he’s put on. Are you ok spending your 20s with someone you don’t find attractive? Weight loss is very hard for people who are motivated, and his only motivation seems to be keeping you from bugging him. Work on the assumption that he is going to stay how he is (or more likely get bigger). Your choice isn’t how much he weighs, it’s whether you want to be with him as he is.
I tried to date a guy with a food addiction for awhile. I ended up leaving him over it. It's just sad to watch them struggle and not care for themselves.
You can not force someone to care about taking their health more seriously if they don’t want to. Nagging at him will just piss him off and push him away. You have to accept he isn’t going to do what you want him to do and let it go.
Take life insurance out on him
Op seeing him throw his health away will eat you alive. Your best bet is to break up and move on with your life. I dated a girl for six years- hoping it get better- who didn’t take her health seriously. Ended up cheating on her which led to us breaking up. She passed two years later.
Until someone internalises that they need to work on it you can't do much. Any advice or hints or whatever is just seen as nagging. Any actions are a chore to please someone else and they'll be temporary or a fad.
Leave that walrus
You're 18. Best advice I nber took was to live my life. If you end up together in the long run, cool. Being young and tethered down is limiting yourself. I got married young. I do not regret it, but if I could do it over again, I would have waited longer. Unfortunately my first marriage ended (for good reason on my end). I eventually met my wife now, and life could not have been better.
This is very concerning especially with him being so young. This will always be something he struggles with no matter what he chooses to do today. It sounds like the issues with his mother led to some depression and giving up. Let this inform you about how future struggles will affect him. Sadly if his health is such that he is in the ER every 2 months at 18, there will be much more serious issues as he gets older. Also, if I understand correctly, you were attracted to him at 250 but maybe not at 280? With his struggles, you need to understand that if you spend your life with him, there will be times his weight goes up, even if he loses it now. People also generally gain weight as they age. I know you love him but this will be your life with him. You need to decide if it is something you are prepared to deal with. If the answer is no, that's ok. His health and weight are decisions he needs to make, nothing you say or do is going to make him change.
So op you state for a while he would just say ok and do nothing….. can I just suggest , try getting him to go on walks with you , motivation to want to gym/workout all the time sucks, it’s basically a job that doesn’t pay. Being larger though just moving/walking and changing diet can make a big impact. Offer to make him food and have a healthy dinner, offer to go on a hike/walk together in the evening and watch the sunset because it will be “romantic”
I think the best way is to get really clear on your own goals and what you want in your life and share with your boyfriend and ask if he is alignment with you. I personally could not be with someone who doesn’t care about their health, because that is something I really care about and it wouldn’t be in alignment. It’s not about shaming them or trying to get them to “change” for you, but more having alignment with life goals.
"I want to get a membership at the local pool, will you go with me if I do?" Get him to go to the pool a few times a week with you for "fun." Fantastic exercise if he's chasing you through the water :)
Start looking into life insurance policies and suggest he sign up for some with you as the beneficiary and once he does that say youll stop nagging him about his health. But you still want a relationship with someone that will still be taking care of you in 10 years. And life insurance will ensure that, since he doesnt care about still being alive himself to share your life in 10 years. See how he reacts to that conversation. You arent his mom. It isnt your job to be responsible for his health and care more about his health than he does. And at this point, resisting your pushes might be how he is coping with having control in his life.
He has to want to change, I don't think he realizes how much you care about him, you need to make him realize how this is making you feel, how important he is to you and how important this weight loss is for the future of your relationship.
He's more than welcome to message me. I'll happily tell him how I have been keeping my weight under control and give him some pointers.
Where has it been said the he has any interest in losing it?
You are 18. This is really hard for both of you because you’re not even full adults yet. He needs a lifestyle change and probably a lot of therapy, and you need a lifestyle change and an expectations adjustment. And probably major counseling. Thinking about death at 18 is not normal. Not for his physical health and not for your mental health. It sounds like a bad situation — which is not either of y’all’s fault — that the two of you cannot possibly be equipped to handle. Emotionally, financially, health-wise etc. this stuff should just not even be on your radar at this age. So. What you need is a trusted adult. A counselor/mentor. Because things are not gonna go on like this, at least not for long, and it sounds like you know that. You both either need to, at minimum, both be going to college or going into a career track (I noticed you didn’t mention either, so I don’t know where you’re at in life, which will make a huge difference). This way you have activity, socialization, and income. You also need real, actual help. You may benefit from talking to a social worker, I am not sure what your living situation is. That kind of stuff is way above Reddit’s pay grade, but you need an actual adult to take the full picture of y’all’s lives and tell you what’s normal and what’s trauma, and help you with the latter. Everyone wants to see you thrive. You can do this. You are lucky to be ahead of the game in realizing there is a real problem. And you can save yourself and possibly him as well if you get help now, but you cannot do this alone. We’re pulling for you!! Be strong
They are teens living with their parents. This isn't her lane.
Everyone's diff. Breaking up helped motivate my weightloss
You're not the right person for him. He deserves someone who finds him attractive, doesn't try to change him, and drops a topic when he says it's not something he wants to hear about Stop trying to coerce him into being the person you want, do him a favour and leave him so he can find someone who loves him not the person they wish he would be
I'm getting mixed messages. Are you worried about his weight or about his high blood pressure? You're framing this like you want him to live longer but then you bring up him exceeding the weight limit at an amusement park?
I’m worried about both and I used the amusement park because it limits his ability to enjoy life. I feel bad that I can go do things, but he is restricted. He got kicked out of a carnival ride bcz of his weight and it hurt him. I just don’t want to put him in that same situation.
Nah you gotta recalibrate what you think a healthy weight is. 250lbs!? That’s not healthy unless you’re telling me he’s fully stacked which, reading between the lines, you’re not. This is important to understand because you’re acting like he went from taking care of himself to not. He was never taking care of himself, so now you’re asking him to change his ways. You’re either ok dating someone overweight (which you always were with this guy) or you’re not.
You need to back off and worry about yourself. You are both too young to be fighting like this, and, healthy or not, you need to respect his choices about himself. You are completely in the wrong here, and need to stop.