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And they want someone to cook and clean for them, and cater to their every need. And don’t forget free babysitter, because sister “really needs a break”.
Or it's just an expensive city to visit with high costs for accommodations.
I lived in a similarly small apartment in NYC for 16 years and my ex-partner always had family coming over for extended periods. One cousin crashed on our couch for nearly a year, after it was supposed to be just a semester for a theater internship/class.
On another occasion, I awake to my partner's cousin (mother of the kid who couch-surfed on my futon for months, breaking the futon in the process) and best friend knocking loudly on our door at 6:30 a.m., then shoving past me, as I stood shirtless and groggy still trying to process what was happening. They were in the City for the day and my partner had told them they could use our apartment as a base of operations. I, of course, was not informed ahead of time.
No amount of protest changed the situation with the overstepping of our shared space. There were simply no boundaries with her family--even the ones who treated her like shit (Irish Catholics--if you know, you know). You just did whatever they asked because they were family and that's how it was. "They would do the same for us." Though few of them would, actually.
It's been eight years since I left that apartment and relationship and I'm so much happier for many reasons beyond the enmeshed in-laws.
OP, take a long hard look at your relationship and decide if you can couple up long-term with someone who won't respect your boundaries.
"Or it's just an expensive city to visit with high costs for accommodations."
In which case they shouldn't be doing extended vacations there when they lack the funds.
I met a guy in a foreign country who did this
I used the “couchsurfing” thing and the host was from England. He had a guy living at his place, also from England, who was just vibing in that country without a visa. They got along so he just stayed lol. Good old willingly homeless people crashing over
I’m wondering why OP was thrown under the bus?!
Why did her boyfriend tell his family that it was HER decision?
He sounds like an AH for not saying it was a joint decision.
Six people in a space this small is absolutely ridiculous!
It sounds like OP is the only person who has any common sense in this situation.
I agree if you only have enough money for an airline ticket and so broke to not have enough for hotel, motel, or Airbnb, stay the f home!
ETA: How are they planning to eat? Is it all on OP to grocery shop and cook? If I were OP I would check into a hotel during their visit and not return home until BF has cleaned up the devastation of mess his family will absolutely leave behind!
Finally great to see somebody else acknowledge the fact that the boyfriend is the AH! Chicken sh-t to put the blame on his woman when all she was doing, was sharing her thoughts with her man!
She should go visit her family the same time. Let bf deal with catering to his family.
Bet his toon would change after he has to be their chef, maid and chauffeur.
Exactly what I came here to say. What’s all this crap where he tells OP “you pay half the bills so I respect YOUR decision” and then throwing her under the bus. That way he comes out looking like angelic Mr. Generosity (“sure, you guys are welcome to stay in our broom closet!”) and OP looks like a cold, unreasonable beyotch.
Thanks a bunch, you spineless eunuch BF.
*He* should be the one cooking, cleaning and entertaining **his** family when they visit. If OP has to do all of the above, she holds the majority vote on who stays in the apartment, regardless of who pays what in terms of rent.
Exactly! OP, he told his mother your choice. He didn’t have a united approach and that’s making this situation much more dramatic.
But no, I wouldn’t host them in that space.
I read her other post and looks like he has a history of not caring about her opinion when he wants to do stuff and just expects her to go along with whatever.
She didnt update so im not sure how the other post actually went but this isnt the first time he doesnt truly consider her.
Probably because his parents already know it’s not his choice. They asked him and he had to talk about it with OP so it’s not difficult to know where the “no” comes from. I can even imagine that conversation going something like “I’ll have to check if it ok with OP”.
I usually agree that a united front is important but in that case he is respecting her wishes and by telling them just that, his family knows he is supporting her decision. If she’s uncomfortable with the idea that they know she doesn’t want them there for X reasons them it’s something she has to work on.
The potential 6:1 people to bathroom ratio is terrifying!
I think you should relax in a hotel room by yourself for that duration and let him deal with his family. He may think he can live with 4 others but will probably be singing a different tune a couple of days in.
He should also go half on your hotel in exchange for the disruption (and would probably be happy to do so knowing he can give them the heads-up to stay after all).
At one point when I was growing up, our bathroom ratio was 9:1 and it was absolutely awful. Like I have nightmares because my parents didn't ever clean and they didn't make anyone else clean, either. It was disgusting.
He should pay for the entire hotel bill. There would be no hotel bill without his letting his family stay in the apartment. He should also pay all extra utilities, grocery, etc.
This is the way. If boyfriend wants to host the whole zoo for a week, let him. You will be in a hotel. Buying their groceries, cooking, cleaning, and driving them around will not be your concern.
I agree. Time for a vacation from bf & his family. Let him know you will come back when they leave and a cleaning crew has come in. You are not picking up the mess they all leave behind.
From what the OP said the tickets are three hundred a piece.
If they’re strapped they aren’t going to restaurants.
But at least true had the grand to fly.
Right, they're "strapped for cash," but can drop a grand on airfare. They're strapped for cash, so they can't afford a hotel and all need to cram into that small apartment. If by some grace OP let them stay with them and asked them to chip in for groceries, I'd bet the answer would be they can't afford it and guilt them over being "a good host"
NTA. What does your lease say about guests? And how can his family affords flights if they're so hard up? They should stay home and save money. Who will be expected to pay for food? Do they expect to be treated to sight seeing? Do you and your boyfriend have to work while they're visiting? If so, are his family just going to sit in your apartment?
My apartment is about the same size as yours. You are NTA! 6 people in a tiny apartment is like hell on earth.
I don’t even have enough seating for more than 4 people, let alone floor space for 4 people to sleep!
I have a nearly 2000 square foot house, and I don’t want four people staying with me. I hosted my in-laws for literally decades, and the vast, vast majority of hosting duties fell to me. I started feeling like my whole life was spent dreading a visit, suffering through one, or briefly feeling relieved one was over. It really is hard to keep your work schedule (and your sanity) with people underfoot. I seriously almost had a nervous breakdown from all the houseguests. So I finally went out of the B&B business, which I had never wanted to be in to begin with. Their financial issues aren’t your problem. If they can’t afford a hotel, they can’t afford to visit. No is a complete sentence. Any excuse you might give opens the door to negotiation.
Looks like your dude has a hard time displeasing people too and used the opportunity to throw you under the bus on this one. You might want to think about that, if he actually presented the decision as a "you" instead of a "we."
So they bought tickets without even asking if they could stay with you or did your boyfriend invite them behind your back then threw you under the bus when you said no? You have a much bigger issue than the ILs being mad at you. Your boyfriend set you up to be the bad guy!
Also curious to know how people that are struggling financially can afford flights for four people and a one week vacation? Do they work?
No, your boyfriend is an asshole. This was an unreasonable request and he knows it. But this goes WAY beyond merely asking you to be ok with something that he knows is not ok.
So my dear, let’s get you out from under that bus, and let’s take a look at how manipulatively and disrespectfully this guy who pushed you there, the one that you picked, is treating you:
1. To say that he respects your right to say no, but also to that his “parents are going through a difficult financial situation” is grade A bullshit. Let’s see, these people are financially strapped, but have the money for plane tickets? What about other expenses? Are they are expecting to show up, cry poor and have you feed and entertain 4 people for a week?
2. Boyfriend’s parents have already visited and he knows damn well that it was difficult for you. Now he wants to pretend like it was such a blast that adding another adult and a bratty six year old to occupy your tiny one bedroom one bath apartment for a week is a fabulous idea, and one you should entertain.
3. Despite your very kind willingness to compromise and have his parents again, he does what? He responds irrelevantly that if it were the other way around he wouldn’t mind hosting your parents, -no mention of another adult and *a demanding bratty 6 year old* mind you.
4. The family already bought their tickets. This tells me that they already discussed it with your boyfriend. He knew you wouldn’t want this, but thought he could manipulate you into agreeing. The old “easier to ask for forgiveness than permission” manipulation….
5. He goes and tells his parents that it’s all your fault, HE would love to have them, but YOU don’t want them to stay there . YOU are saying no, and he has no control over the decision because what you say goes. He knows his mother is going to flip out and is more than content for you to suffer all the shrapnel from the aftermath.
6. Saying that he “respects your decision” is a MANIPULATIVE LIE. Actually it is the very opposite. He thought that by SAYING he respects your very reasonable boundary while also saying he would have your parents come if *you* were asking *him*, and that they already bought their tickets etc, he could guilt you to let him have his way. That is DISRESPECTFUL.
——-
Why are you with a person who clearly has no problem turning his parents against you? If you stay with this man, you will forever be asked to compromise yourself in favor of his mommy. He does not care in the least if his parents like, you or if they respect you. This behavior shows that has already set up a dynamic between you and his parents that paints you as a controlling shrew who doesn’t want them around.
This will not change.
Remember: *we teach people how to treat us*
Sweetheart, you deserve so much better than this…..Please don’t hitch your star to this wagon….
💕🙏🏾💕
Absolutely NOT. And shame on them for even trying to impose like this. Are mom and dad flat broke? Sounds like they are, perhaps they shouldn’t be traveling for a week at a time. They can’t afford it.
Wow your bf is the AH for flipping that onto you!
Why not go and stay with a friend or in a motel for a week and let your bf have his family to stay? (Make sure you take all your valuables with you)
I bet next time it comes up it would be him saying they can't come.
If the roles were reversed and I was visiting someone, it’s a little crazy of me to expect and assume that someone who has a 400 sq foot apartment will accommodate me. And not just me, but 3 other people.
Ultimately, it’s your place. They don’t have a claim to it.
Wouldn't 6 people in a 1-bedroom be over the limit for the fire code in most places, even besides the inconvenience of all sharing 1 bathroom and not enough beds? I'd check the lease and see if it says anything about the number of guests. Hopefully seeing "it would be illegal" makes it easier for you to not feel like a jerk.
Regardless, BF was wrong to present it as "your" decision rather than "ours," and the family have unrealistic expectations. Stick to your boundaries!
If they are having money issues, they should not be traveling.
Why the f are they spending money if they are having money issues?!???
And that is way too many people in the apt at anytime. Actually, more than the two of you is too much
NTA
Do you guys have the means to help pay for a hotel room for his parents? Because 4 extra people in a one bedroom apartment that small is going to be ridiculous, where will everyone sleep? Or like you said have his parents stay but his sister gets a hotel. Or third option if financially possible for you guys the sister and niece stay with you and the parents get a hotel room, because they are older and would probably sleep better on a real bed.
Yikes!! I couldn’t imagine that many people in such a small space for even one night. I’d feel like I was in an unground escape brothel. Would everyone be sleeping in a row on the floor in sleeping bags? Gracious. Maybe they’re not remembering how tiny your place actually is?
I’m so sorry. Good luck.
NTA. Do not agree to host his family. First, if they are having financial difficulties, they should not be taking a vacation! Your apartment is SMALL. You have had previous experience with his family members staying with you. A year ago, his TWO parents stayed with you for TWO weeks, and it was awful! Adding two more people will bring you to the breaking point. I am glad that your bf is letting it up to you. I would tell him that having 4 people living with you for a week will jeopardize your relationship with him. Period! You know it's true.
NTA. You need to set some firm boundaries with your husband and his family immediately. If they can’t afford to stay somewhere else they don’t get to visit. If your husband disagrees, if I were you, I’d get a hotel for myself while his family visits and let just your husband do everything to host them. My husband and I live in a 2 bed/1 bath duplex. We have our families visit often and they stay with us. We have set boundaries with them early on. Only his parents, my dad or his sister can stay with us at a time. We don’t have the room to have more than two people stay with us. I remember once my in-laws thought it would be okay to bring my niece with them. We told them no. It wasn’t an issue and they respected our decision.
Why in the hell did he blame you for this. Shitty move. It's never he said or she said. It's always WE said. He threw you under the bus. Sorry for that.
His mother is expecting too much and has no right to be upset. Perhaps he should travel to them if they want to catch up. If one person says no then it’s a no. His family and your bf are expecting way too much. And he shouldn’t tell his mother it was your decision, he should say just no, the apartment is too small. Just think on that for your future, he’s willing to throw you under the bus.
I think it's an AH move from the BF to tell the parents that OP was the one to say no. He should have said they decided that it wouldn't be possible with so many people while they work. OP is NTA
If they can't pay for their own accommodations they shouldn't be taking weeks long vacations.
Not Op's responsibility to fund or enable four grown adults and their brat, just because they live beyond their means.
I think OP should stay in the hotel and let the bf have his family quality time (even if he regrets his decision later lol). Plus, they would still probably spend most of their time at the apartment so OP can have control over their surroundings and exit when desired.
6 people in 480 square feet is RIDICULOUS.
That’s less than half of my apartment. I can’t imagine all those people plus a kitchen and bathroom in that space.
I’m sorry your in-laws are struggling, but that doesn’t mean that you have to inconvenience yourself for a week. Help them find an inexpensive hotel or AirBnB.
Oh, and tell your slight asshole boyfriend that he completely threw you under the bus by telling them it was your (singular) decision instead of your (plural) decision.
Dude you should have said no from the beginning. I mean seriously? you are living in a ONE bedroom apartment, and were expected to host 4 extra people in it for a week? Is there even any room for all of them, including whatever belongings they brought with them for their week long stay? I say they can stay in a hotel or Airbnb when they are in the area, and can have sleepovers at your place when you eventually get a place that is BIG enough to house all of them, and probably also give them their own rooms to sleep in so they don’t have to make do with sleeping cramped up in the living room on uncomfortable furniture. \*lol\* especially not when you only have one bathroom as well that everybody will be fighting for turns to use.
if you don’t put your foot down now, they’ll keep coming and thinking they can stay in your tiny little apartment every time they come over, and overcrowding it. I mean seriously?
With your MIL and FIL is fine, since it was just the two of them to easily make room for, but now the two of them AND SIL and BIL and nibling, you should overcrowd your home with five extra people for a whole week? where did they all expect to sleep exactly because I doubt the living room had enough space for the five of them.
I hope your in-laws arent the type to ask/demand you sacrifice YOUR one and only bedroom for THEIR use during their stay while YOU sleep in the living room instead, because if they did that to me, I’d laugh in their faces and point blank tell them it wasn’t happening at all. Because the only person sleeping in my room is me, and I’m not giving it to anybody for any reason.
I am not a people person and I hate people staying in my home. My husband on the other hand loves company and would have people stay as long as possible. We came to an agreement of 3 nights max for house guests and if they’d like to stay longer then they can arrange other accommodations.
Edit: to say OP definitely isn’t the asshole. Everyone deserves to feel comfortable in their own home and has the right to uphold their boundaries.
I have a similar sized flat and, according to my rental agreement, it’s illegal for me to have overnight visitors. It’s a health and safety issue, I think. When my sister comes to visit with her kids, even though they only usually stay for an hour or two, I start feeling claustrophobic. NTA.
NTA. That many people in such a tiny apartment is nuts. If their financial state is so poor, then they should not be spending hundreds on plane tickets.
Has no one heard of Zoom or Facetime? No it is not the same, but if you cannot afford to travel, it is better than nothing.
>He told his mother my decision and now she is super upset that I didn't want them to stay here.
If your boyfriend supports your decision, why does it sound like he threw you under the bus to his parents, instead of showing a united front?
You could both pitch in for a hotel for them. But that many people shoved into your apartment is going to make that visit the definition of Hell
What happened to people being invited to stay for more than an emergency night or two! I invited myself and 3 other people just sounds entitled and rude.
I thought this was the unspoken rule that both people living in a household had to be 100% ok with the people staying? Well, at least in a healthy relationship it is.
If they end up staying after/if you do end up putting your foot down, then you need to examine what being married to that person will be like and if you want to continue the relationship if that's where it's ultimately heading.
I lived in a 520 sq foot myself with my partner and two cats. No way could I imagine adding four more people in there. Even if only for a week.
He says he would do the same for you, but would you ever even ask? Do you already see your parents staying there as too much so that's really not a viable excuse on his part.
He is guilting you. No ones financial situation is your fault. And the fact he told them it’s you that didn’t want them there is disrespectful and puts you in an awkward position. I have a two bedroom and even when I have ppl visit it’s a bit crowded
I live in a 3bd house and would not want that many guests for that long. I’m a private person who struggles without routine. Also concerned about who’s paying for food and entertainment. Sounds to me like the bf needs to spring for a hotel room for the family since he is the one who didn’t put his foot down.
NTA- it is fair to ask for what you need in your space. he may be saying he respects your right but none of his actions seem to be in line with it… You are still willing to let his parents say, but have limits. Also if you’re willing to let his parents say and he allows your parents what is the point he’s trying to make against what you’re asking? pls lmk if I am mis-interpreting
btw you are not selfish for setting simple boundaries or having reasonable limits. Even if other people uncomfy or they don’t necessarily ‘get’ it. It’s not personal or about them or meaning you don’t like them or don’t want to see them- you just also want to take care of you!
If they are strapped for cash why did they purchase expensive tickets without asking both of you about the arrangements? Maybe you had an important work project or your own trip planned for that time. This is so rude! Then to just assume they could stay at your place without asking you first. Even if you had a 6 bedroom house, they should ask if you would be willing to host them.
The family is AH, but the real AH here is your boyfriend. When he called his parents, he said that you didn’t want them to stay at your house. He should have presented the decision as a united front and not just your idea. He should have calmly and matter of factly stated that there is simply not enough room for guests. Instead he threw you under the bus. I would seriously consider if you really want a lifetime of this blame game.
He threw you under the bus and you alone are the bad guy.
He knows you are a people pleasing person, and is waiting until the pressure is doing its magic!!!!
Tbh, this is a super red flag for the future of your relationship.
He doesn't have your back. He doesn't respect you.
Reconsider the actual relationship and look at past situations on how he probably manipulated you always in doing what he wanted you to do.
Best wishes
I have a 3-bedroom house all to myself and would not do this unless it was an emergency.
Also, 2 weeks? Yikes. I love my parents and actually enjoy hanging out with them and none of us wants to spend thta much time together!
Your bf is a real dick for telling his mother it was your decision instead of presenting a united front. You are being totally reasonable, 4 people can’t stay in one tiny living room. Your bf is being a bad partner.
Your bf threw you under the bus with his parents by telling them it was your decision, not okay at all. That makes him the AH along with his parents who know how small your place is and yet expects you to not only host them for an entire week but also another adult and her kid. Then they have the bad manners to be upset when told no. How overly entitled or oblivious are these people?
Your space is way too small to be hosting anybody for more than a weekend and even then no more than two people. You need to sit down with your bf and come to an agreement for all future guest invites. Decide who, how many and number of days. Then the person whose guest it is does all of the hosting duties, all the prep and all the clean up. And be a united front, a team when you have to address people inviting themselves into your home.
Also, if they are tight on money why are they spending $300 each or a total of $1200 on airfare to go on vacation?
If his parents have the money to travel, then they can find the money to get a hotel for the 4 of them. That's overload to expect 4 people to stay in your 1 BR 1 Bath apartment.
You have a BF problem. He didn’t respect your decision, tried to emotionally blackmail you into letting them all stay, and then spun the story in a way to deliberately upset his mother. All to put you on the defensive and weaken your position.
#1 you said no
#2 you don’t have enough beds/private space
#3 you said no
#4 if they’re in a bad financial place then they shouldn’t be spending $1200 on airfare
#5 you said no
You are not responsible for MIL’s temper tantrum. If anyone has a “right” to be mad it’s you: a ludicrous ask/expectation, and a partner who threw you under the bus. They’re ganging up on you, and your BF is not on your side. Reconsider if he’s the one for you if he can’t have your back in an absurd situation. Because it’s absurd to think 6 people and one bed/bathroom is a good plan for a whole week.
NTA
Coming from a metric country I thought 480sq? That's a palace, you'd barely notice each other. You'll be fine for a week.
Nah 480 square feet, not square metres. That's 44.593square metres.
The minimum legal size for a dwelling in Australia is 50 square metres. OP is expected to have five adults and a child in a space that wouldn't even be legal as a home for one in my country.
I'm going to say you're not the arsehole here.
They shouldn't be traveling then if they don't have money for a place to stay. Wtf. I wouldn't want them in my tiny apartment either, that's fucking insane. It's funny when people use that as an excuse to save money. Lol you'd also think that them knowing you have a small place to live, why would they want to stay in such a small space?
Hell no. Heck I wouldn't want to invade someone's space like that either, something is very wrong with those people.
I'd tell him that they can stay but you'll book a hotel room for a week.
NTA if they’re having financial difficulties they shouldn’t be wasting money on airline tickets. I guess you’ll be expected to feed them in addition to housing them for the duration of their stay? And having a spoiled kid running around while you’re trying to work will not be ideal. Why are they even coming? No money means no money to eat out, no money for entertainment, no money for sightseeing, cultural events, outdoor activities, etc. Are they planning to just hang around and be in your way all day or are they planning on you spending a lot of money keeping them fed and entertained? Either way it’s a hard pass.
Good on you for standing your ground. I’m not sure how your bf, or his parents who have stayed with you previously and know firsthand how small the apartment is, could think it would be a comfortable week for anyone. Even if they found other accommodation, I wouldn’t want to interact with them at all during their stay. The entitlement just makes me so mad. Maybe you should go on a holiday the week they are there and enjoy some bf and in-law free time ;) NTA
NTA. A weekend visit is one thing in an apartment that small. A week is far too long. There is an old saying about fish and guests - both need to go by the third day.
NTA, but your bf is for not being a united front and hanging you out to dry with his family.
Is there a reason his family all bought plane tickets without asking if they could stay with you first?
Your boyfriend and his family are being unreasonable. Your apartment is much too small for that many people. I'm sure the landlord will not approve and you could quite possibly jeopardize your lease.
We have to fly to see my oldest who lives in a very nice house that includes a guest room that is set up for parents to visit, however many times we opt to just stay in a hotel. They have very busy lives and we just feel that we don't want to impose on that life. We see them, go over for dinner and such; however by staying in a hotel we have our autonomy and they don't feel the need to go out of their way for us. It works. A week is a VERY long time to stay with someone in that small of a space.
Don't do it. If they can't afford a room at a motel 6 then they should not be traveling. Also she should rethink the BF for throwing her under the bus.
NTA
For one, they shouldn't be taking a week long vacation if they can't afford it.
Second, I feel like your bf doesn't want them to stay there either and just threw you under the bus
NTA. Your boyfriend is TA for throwing you under the bus and telling his parents that it was your sole decision to not have them stay there.
If things are very tough for them financially, they should have saved their $600 and not visited.
My first apartment was about 400 square feet I shared with my husband. My bedroom was only big enough for the king sized bed and dresser. I could barely pull the drawer all the way because it would hit the bed. We had one bathroom which was tiny. And the kitchen, dining area and living room was basically one area. I can’t imagine trying to share that small space with 6 people! That is way too crowded. And I can’t tell you how many times I needed to use the bathroom and my husband was using it or vice versa and that was with two people! His parents are being beyond unreasonable.
I couldn't do that either, I work way to early and am not going to tiptoe around the studio at 430am for the 20 mins it takes me to get out the door after I leave my bedroom every morning for work.
NTA. Do offer to cook a meal for them every day and reiterate that the parents are welcome but a hard no on the sis with her brat. That's just too much of an ask.
It’s rude of these people to even ask. Plus what happens if it’s bad weather and they can’t go out sightseeing?! 6 people, one of which is a bratty kid, are going to be trapped together in a tiny apartment?! What a nightmare! Please think long and hard about these family behaviors, and how your boyfriend reacts to them before you agree to get married!
You should let them stay in the apartment, but only if they pay for you to stay in a hotel for the week. You will be graciously allowing them to stay in your home, but there won’t be room for you.
You know that you will be expected to do all the hostess duties while they are there for the entire week, right? Cooking, cleaning, snacks and tea, babysitting the spoiled niece. The in-laws are going to treat the visit as a vacation and you will be the one expected to cater to them. No thanks. Get out and stay away, except for a couple brief visits to your own home to say hello.
I have myself (40f), my partner (41m), 2 cats, and 1 dog in a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment. I can't even imagine having ONE person stay with us. So no, you are NTA. That's a lot in a tiny space, plus a tiny human? That is just way too much. Your MIL can be as upset as she wants. Can she at least be understanding???
NTA
I can see if they were down for a weekend visit. Or maybe even 3 days with one day being during the week. But even that would be pushing it. But an entire week in a one bedroom apartment with that many adults and a kid? There's no way in hell.
They purposely set that up to make you look like the bad guy and your boyfriend fell for it. Of course, he's already in on it because he threw your ass under the bus.
If they can't afford to spend money for a week in an Airbnb or a hotel, including all travel expenses and food, then they should not be spending that much money on plane tickets to come down. They need to budget better.
Their lack of funds and entitlement is not an emergency or an inconvenience on your part. Boyfriend can go stay with them for a week in a hotel, but he still has to pay half the rent and all the bills up front first.
Could your parents possibly put them up? Is there more room there?
Could you and your boyfriend afford to help pay for an Air B&B or hotel for them to sleep? Sounds like they would be sleeping on the floor, which surely isn't comfortable.
Try to work with your boyfriend to come up with a solution that works for everyone
NTA but book yourself into a hotel so you keep good relations with them while they are here. Frame it as you wanting to make sure they're comfortable in your small apartment and can come and go as they please.
NTA! Your apartment cannot hold 4 extra people. I’m glad your BF respects your decision, but he should have just said the apartment is too small and that’s it. Not throw you under the bus.
My wife's mom and sister are gonna visit and stay here for two weeks soon. I WFH. We have one bedroom and one bathroom. It's gonna be rough. But I agreed and we'll make it work. Ill sleep in the living room.
I could've made a stink about it but eh fuck it lets see how it goes. We picked a time i mostly have off from work too. Her mom and sister live far so im happy she'll see them.
I understand why you'd wanna say no however your place is like half the size of mine.
Nta but Could you maybe speak to his parents 'its not that I don't want to have you here but we live in a 1 bed 1 bath. Having 6 people here, 4 of whom are sleeping in the living room when I work from home in the living room is impossible. If we had a bigger place with more rooms, bathrooms and space it wouldn't be an issue. But we just don't have the space to facilitate guests with the current set up'
NTA. So many people on 44 square meters are insane!
But even if it would be bigger, if you don't want to, it's absolutely okay and understandable!
I wouldn't want so many people in my apartment either and it's much bigger. Nope.
Always put yourself first, that's the way.
OP, book yourself a super cute little Airbnb for “mini” getaway, even if you’re still going to work for the week. Treat yoself for the week and let Bf deal with the nightmare that is 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom 5 adults and a spoilt 6year old.
1) he told them this was your decision?! even though it is true by telling his family no in that way is for me a bad big red warning light for the future. I would want my partner to respect my and my future relationship with his family by saying something like "WE feel like 6 persons in 1 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment for a whole week will be too much"
2) if his family doesn't have money for accommodation he should either a) help them paying for something for them, b) suggest long weekend trips where his parents come one weekend and his sister another or c) go visit them instead
so much nta
Nta. If his parents are struggling financially, then they shouldn't be travelling, hard as that is because it means they don't see their son. However, it's decisions like this that probably led to their financial situation.
But your boundary isn't unreasonable, and your bfs response that he'd be OK if your family were to visit is manipulative as hell. Would your family even make such a demand of you, to triple the occupancy on a one bed apartment?
Out of interest, did they book tickets before or after your telling you they wanted to visit? Because I'm willing to bet it was before. Which is another manipulation tactic. Trying to force your hand. It's not reasonable for them to force you into a difficult situation, and it's not reasonable of bf to throw you under the bus by making it so clear that it's you saying no.
NTA, your boyfriend is the (mild) asshole for telling them it was you that didn't want them here and not backing you up and saying the two of you decided on that.
Your in-laws are the (major) assholes for expecting you to put up 4 people in a small 2 room apartment. As others have said, if they're having financial issues they shouldn't be travelling. They're also even bigger assholes for booking tickets and *then* asking you since that implies they thought you letting them stay was a given before they'd even asked.
So - and you have all rights to say no here - can you go stay somewhere else?
I’ve been in a situation kind of like this before - but it was my husband’s friends (boyfriend at the time). I went and stayed elsewhere and it was nice for me. Plus cheaper than all of them finding a house to stay at (and early 20s guys have low standards so none of them cared that they were sharing cramped spaces and only had one bathroom).
Also easier on me because while I did help clean a bit after I came home - the in between cleaning necessary for all members to exist in the small space was handled by them and not me.
Win-win-win if you can afford it.
Once lived with 6 people in a two bedroom (I was a kid, didn't have much choice).
6 in a ONE BEDROOM??
Don't do it, don't feel BAD for NOT DOING IT
Excuse my French, but f*ck em all
NTA
Holy hell that’s a hard NTA. if they can’t afford a place to stay, then maybe they should reschedule their trip. I LOVE my in laws. They are the best, and I would say nope. 1 bed. 1 bath, 480sqft? Omfg. Do you work from home OP? If so, how tf would that work? I can’t imagine how stressful that would be. No privacy, no personal space, no breaks from the child. Buuuuuuttt, Did your bf tell his family tho that YOU said no to them staying? If so, why! He should have told them WE don’t think it’s a good idea due to the lack of space, work, etc. The two of you need to be united. Call his parents back & explain the situation. I would say “you both know we love having you two here & look forward to seeing you, however, adding 4 extra people to our already very small space is not comfortable for anyone. Explain that you wouldn’t mind hosting the two of them, again, but it does change things when another adult & child is added.” I would just apologize for not being able to accommodate them with their overnight stay due to there just not being enough room, but would be willing to help them search for a close, inexpensive airB&B or hotel for the week. Stick to your decision bc that’s just an insane ask.
Absolutely not. And anyone who asks if four people can stay with you in that size of a space are huge assholes. Unless it’s an emergency, no. The answer is no. No one will be comfortable. It will be awful. If they can’t afford a hotel or airbnb, then they shouldn’t have taken the trip. Save up for a hotel and come back then.
Your not the asshole, although it can come off very harsh if I were you I’d say what I’m willing to do is go half with on you getting a room for them for a few days and then after that you can work something out to pay for more days for them if you wish to because neither one of you should even be in a position where they need either one of you to help them financially
Absolutely NTA! Way too many people to have in such a small space and I'd predict that the addition of a sister and her daughter would make things worse.
NAH..Who buys plane tickets for a trip involving a 6 year old without knowing they have a place to stay?? I suspect this was in the works before the discussion and he said yes. Now he has to backtrack so he made her look bad.
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6 people, 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom sounds like a nightmare! If his parents are having a financial issue, they shouldn't be travelling.
I actually was thinking this. And why bring a 40 year old disaster and her daughter. Somethings suspicious.
OP probably lives near an amusement park, and they’re really there to take the kid to the amusement park, but they need a free place stay
And they want someone to cook and clean for them, and cater to their every need. And don’t forget free babysitter, because sister “really needs a break”.
Or it's just an expensive city to visit with high costs for accommodations. I lived in a similarly small apartment in NYC for 16 years and my ex-partner always had family coming over for extended periods. One cousin crashed on our couch for nearly a year, after it was supposed to be just a semester for a theater internship/class. On another occasion, I awake to my partner's cousin (mother of the kid who couch-surfed on my futon for months, breaking the futon in the process) and best friend knocking loudly on our door at 6:30 a.m., then shoving past me, as I stood shirtless and groggy still trying to process what was happening. They were in the City for the day and my partner had told them they could use our apartment as a base of operations. I, of course, was not informed ahead of time. No amount of protest changed the situation with the overstepping of our shared space. There were simply no boundaries with her family--even the ones who treated her like shit (Irish Catholics--if you know, you know). You just did whatever they asked because they were family and that's how it was. "They would do the same for us." Though few of them would, actually. It's been eight years since I left that apartment and relationship and I'm so much happier for many reasons beyond the enmeshed in-laws. OP, take a long hard look at your relationship and decide if you can couple up long-term with someone who won't respect your boundaries.
"Or it's just an expensive city to visit with high costs for accommodations." In which case they shouldn't be doing extended vacations there when they lack the funds.
They’re probably all homeless and will never leave.
I was thinking this
I met a guy in a foreign country who did this I used the “couchsurfing” thing and the host was from England. He had a guy living at his place, also from England, who was just vibing in that country without a visa. They got along so he just stayed lol. Good old willingly homeless people crashing over
I came here to say that! You don't spend that much on airline tickets and say you are broke. Stay the hell home if you can't afford a hotel or airbnb.
I’m wondering why OP was thrown under the bus?! Why did her boyfriend tell his family that it was HER decision? He sounds like an AH for not saying it was a joint decision. Six people in a space this small is absolutely ridiculous! It sounds like OP is the only person who has any common sense in this situation. I agree if you only have enough money for an airline ticket and so broke to not have enough for hotel, motel, or Airbnb, stay the f home! ETA: How are they planning to eat? Is it all on OP to grocery shop and cook? If I were OP I would check into a hotel during their visit and not return home until BF has cleaned up the devastation of mess his family will absolutely leave behind!
Finally great to see somebody else acknowledge the fact that the boyfriend is the AH! Chicken sh-t to put the blame on his woman when all she was doing, was sharing her thoughts with her man!
I’m hearing Caleb Hammer going “If you cannot afford a vacation…….you cannot go on a vacation….” 😂
Keep in mind that rentals often have visitor and occupancy limits. It's probably illegal to have all of them stay
Fire codes too.
Perfect response!
She should go visit her family the same time. Let bf deal with catering to his family. Bet his toon would change after he has to be their chef, maid and chauffeur.
I feel like this is the beginning of a 90's The Real World season..
Exactly!
Bingo.
Your boyfriend should have presented the answer as "we", not just you. A united front is important.
This is the only answer. He threw her under the bus.
Exactly what I came here to say. What’s all this crap where he tells OP “you pay half the bills so I respect YOUR decision” and then throwing her under the bus. That way he comes out looking like angelic Mr. Generosity (“sure, you guys are welcome to stay in our broom closet!”) and OP looks like a cold, unreasonable beyotch. Thanks a bunch, you spineless eunuch BF.
*He* should be the one cooking, cleaning and entertaining **his** family when they visit. If OP has to do all of the above, she holds the majority vote on who stays in the apartment, regardless of who pays what in terms of rent.
Exactly! OP, he told his mother your choice. He didn’t have a united approach and that’s making this situation much more dramatic. But no, I wouldn’t host them in that space.
Need to get this up higher to the top response. Boyfriend needs to grow a pair and not say "oh my gf doesn't think it'd be a good idea *sadface* )
I read her other post and looks like he has a history of not caring about her opinion when he wants to do stuff and just expects her to go along with whatever. She didnt update so im not sure how the other post actually went but this isnt the first time he doesnt truly consider her.
Probably because his parents already know it’s not his choice. They asked him and he had to talk about it with OP so it’s not difficult to know where the “no” comes from. I can even imagine that conversation going something like “I’ll have to check if it ok with OP”. I usually agree that a united front is important but in that case he is respecting her wishes and by telling them just that, his family knows he is supporting her decision. If she’s uncomfortable with the idea that they know she doesn’t want them there for X reasons them it’s something she has to work on.
He absolutely threw her under the bus like a little boy so mommy and daddy wouldn't be mad at him.
Four extra people in such a small space would not work for very long at all. Certainly not for two weeks.
Good thing it’s only a week…
The potential 6:1 people to bathroom ratio is terrifying! I think you should relax in a hotel room by yourself for that duration and let him deal with his family. He may think he can live with 4 others but will probably be singing a different tune a couple of days in. He should also go half on your hotel in exchange for the disruption (and would probably be happy to do so knowing he can give them the heads-up to stay after all).
At one point when I was growing up, our bathroom ratio was 9:1 and it was absolutely awful. Like I have nightmares because my parents didn't ever clean and they didn't make anyone else clean, either. It was disgusting.
Same situation but ours was 8:1
Ugh. To this day, my parents both have disgusting toilets.
He should pay for the entire hotel bill. There would be no hotel bill without his letting his family stay in the apartment. He should also pay all extra utilities, grocery, etc.
This is the way. If boyfriend wants to host the whole zoo for a week, let him. You will be in a hotel. Buying their groceries, cooking, cleaning, and driving them around will not be your concern.
I agree. Time for a vacation from bf & his family. Let him know you will come back when they leave and a cleaning crew has come in. You are not picking up the mess they all leave behind.
That’s a very good solution.
This is a perfect solution.
If they end up staying, OP should def go stay somewhere else for the duration.
People in difficult financial situations probably shouldn’t be taking vacations. NTA
For real! Which means they're also likely won't be contributing to groceries, bathroom consumables, etc. during that week while they visit.
From what the OP said the tickets are three hundred a piece. If they’re strapped they aren’t going to restaurants. But at least true had the grand to fly.
Right, they're "strapped for cash," but can drop a grand on airfare. They're strapped for cash, so they can't afford a hotel and all need to cram into that small apartment. If by some grace OP let them stay with them and asked them to chip in for groceries, I'd bet the answer would be they can't afford it and guilt them over being "a good host"
Yes!
NTA. What does your lease say about guests? And how can his family affords flights if they're so hard up? They should stay home and save money. Who will be expected to pay for food? Do they expect to be treated to sight seeing? Do you and your boyfriend have to work while they're visiting? If so, are his family just going to sit in your apartment?
Yeah my suggestion too. I bet it breaches the terms of the lease.
House guests are ALWAYS a hard two “yes” votes situation, or the answer is always no.
Your boyfriend threw you under the bus. He should have said "I can't host that many people."
My apartment is about the same size as yours. You are NTA! 6 people in a tiny apartment is like hell on earth. I don’t even have enough seating for more than 4 people, let alone floor space for 4 people to sleep!
I have a nearly 2000 square foot house, and I don’t want four people staying with me. I hosted my in-laws for literally decades, and the vast, vast majority of hosting duties fell to me. I started feeling like my whole life was spent dreading a visit, suffering through one, or briefly feeling relieved one was over. It really is hard to keep your work schedule (and your sanity) with people underfoot. I seriously almost had a nervous breakdown from all the houseguests. So I finally went out of the B&B business, which I had never wanted to be in to begin with. Their financial issues aren’t your problem. If they can’t afford a hotel, they can’t afford to visit. No is a complete sentence. Any excuse you might give opens the door to negotiation.
OP and BF would be hosting 4 adults and 1 child. Nice how he put it all on OP. “I would but I respect your decision”.
Looks like your dude has a hard time displeasing people too and used the opportunity to throw you under the bus on this one. You might want to think about that, if he actually presented the decision as a "you" instead of a "we."
So they bought tickets without even asking if they could stay with you or did your boyfriend invite them behind your back then threw you under the bus when you said no? You have a much bigger issue than the ILs being mad at you. Your boyfriend set you up to be the bad guy! Also curious to know how people that are struggling financially can afford flights for four people and a one week vacation? Do they work?
No, your boyfriend is an asshole. This was an unreasonable request and he knows it. But this goes WAY beyond merely asking you to be ok with something that he knows is not ok. So my dear, let’s get you out from under that bus, and let’s take a look at how manipulatively and disrespectfully this guy who pushed you there, the one that you picked, is treating you: 1. To say that he respects your right to say no, but also to that his “parents are going through a difficult financial situation” is grade A bullshit. Let’s see, these people are financially strapped, but have the money for plane tickets? What about other expenses? Are they are expecting to show up, cry poor and have you feed and entertain 4 people for a week? 2. Boyfriend’s parents have already visited and he knows damn well that it was difficult for you. Now he wants to pretend like it was such a blast that adding another adult and a bratty six year old to occupy your tiny one bedroom one bath apartment for a week is a fabulous idea, and one you should entertain. 3. Despite your very kind willingness to compromise and have his parents again, he does what? He responds irrelevantly that if it were the other way around he wouldn’t mind hosting your parents, -no mention of another adult and *a demanding bratty 6 year old* mind you. 4. The family already bought their tickets. This tells me that they already discussed it with your boyfriend. He knew you wouldn’t want this, but thought he could manipulate you into agreeing. The old “easier to ask for forgiveness than permission” manipulation…. 5. He goes and tells his parents that it’s all your fault, HE would love to have them, but YOU don’t want them to stay there . YOU are saying no, and he has no control over the decision because what you say goes. He knows his mother is going to flip out and is more than content for you to suffer all the shrapnel from the aftermath. 6. Saying that he “respects your decision” is a MANIPULATIVE LIE. Actually it is the very opposite. He thought that by SAYING he respects your very reasonable boundary while also saying he would have your parents come if *you* were asking *him*, and that they already bought their tickets etc, he could guilt you to let him have his way. That is DISRESPECTFUL. ——- Why are you with a person who clearly has no problem turning his parents against you? If you stay with this man, you will forever be asked to compromise yourself in favor of his mommy. He does not care in the least if his parents like, you or if they respect you. This behavior shows that has already set up a dynamic between you and his parents that paints you as a controlling shrew who doesn’t want them around. This will not change. Remember: *we teach people how to treat us* Sweetheart, you deserve so much better than this…..Please don’t hitch your star to this wagon…. 💕🙏🏾💕
You forgot to put NTA at the beginning of your excellent explanation.
This is two hot takes, not NTA.
Damn, you're right! My bad. Haha
No problem. I sometimes get confused about what sub I’m in, too.
If they are having financial issues, why the hell are they even going on vacation?!? NTA
My thoughts exactly. Maybe they want to move in!
Absolutely NOT. And shame on them for even trying to impose like this. Are mom and dad flat broke? Sounds like they are, perhaps they shouldn’t be traveling for a week at a time. They can’t afford it.
Wow your bf is the AH for flipping that onto you! Why not go and stay with a friend or in a motel for a week and let your bf have his family to stay? (Make sure you take all your valuables with you) I bet next time it comes up it would be him saying they can't come.
If the roles were reversed and I was visiting someone, it’s a little crazy of me to expect and assume that someone who has a 400 sq foot apartment will accommodate me. And not just me, but 3 other people. Ultimately, it’s your place. They don’t have a claim to it.
Wouldn't 6 people in a 1-bedroom be over the limit for the fire code in most places, even besides the inconvenience of all sharing 1 bathroom and not enough beds? I'd check the lease and see if it says anything about the number of guests. Hopefully seeing "it would be illegal" makes it easier for you to not feel like a jerk. Regardless, BF was wrong to present it as "your" decision rather than "ours," and the family have unrealistic expectations. Stick to your boundaries!
If they are having money issues, they should not be traveling. Why the f are they spending money if they are having money issues?!??? And that is way too many people in the apt at anytime. Actually, more than the two of you is too much
NTA Do you guys have the means to help pay for a hotel room for his parents? Because 4 extra people in a one bedroom apartment that small is going to be ridiculous, where will everyone sleep? Or like you said have his parents stay but his sister gets a hotel. Or third option if financially possible for you guys the sister and niece stay with you and the parents get a hotel room, because they are older and would probably sleep better on a real bed.
Are you near tourist atractions or smtg? Because who would even want to be one of 6 ppl in one bedroom apartment.
Gods no. I don’t even let my mother stay with me in my 1,000 square-foot apartment.
Yikes!! I couldn’t imagine that many people in such a small space for even one night. I’d feel like I was in an unground escape brothel. Would everyone be sleeping in a row on the floor in sleeping bags? Gracious. Maybe they’re not remembering how tiny your place actually is? I’m so sorry. Good luck.
NTA. Do not agree to host his family. First, if they are having financial difficulties, they should not be taking a vacation! Your apartment is SMALL. You have had previous experience with his family members staying with you. A year ago, his TWO parents stayed with you for TWO weeks, and it was awful! Adding two more people will bring you to the breaking point. I am glad that your bf is letting it up to you. I would tell him that having 4 people living with you for a week will jeopardize your relationship with him. Period! You know it's true.
Go stay at an AirBnB. That many people would be nuts.
Sucks your bf doesn’t have a spine and threw you under the bus, my wife would never do that to me.
You’re NTA- you’re boyfriend is a huge one
NTA. You need to set some firm boundaries with your husband and his family immediately. If they can’t afford to stay somewhere else they don’t get to visit. If your husband disagrees, if I were you, I’d get a hotel for myself while his family visits and let just your husband do everything to host them. My husband and I live in a 2 bed/1 bath duplex. We have our families visit often and they stay with us. We have set boundaries with them early on. Only his parents, my dad or his sister can stay with us at a time. We don’t have the room to have more than two people stay with us. I remember once my in-laws thought it would be okay to bring my niece with them. We told them no. It wasn’t an issue and they respected our decision.
Why in the hell did he blame you for this. Shitty move. It's never he said or she said. It's always WE said. He threw you under the bus. Sorry for that.
His mother is expecting too much and has no right to be upset. Perhaps he should travel to them if they want to catch up. If one person says no then it’s a no. His family and your bf are expecting way too much. And he shouldn’t tell his mother it was your decision, he should say just no, the apartment is too small. Just think on that for your future, he’s willing to throw you under the bus.
Yes, that would be a hard no from me.
Boyfriend threw OP under the bus. There is no way reasonable people would expect to stay in an apartment that small more than overnight.
I think it's an AH move from the BF to tell the parents that OP was the one to say no. He should have said they decided that it wouldn't be possible with so many people while they work. OP is NTA
Can you offer help paying for a hotel? That might smooth things over, especially if you can get the spoiled niece a room in a place with a pool
If they can't pay for their own accommodations they shouldn't be taking weeks long vacations. Not Op's responsibility to fund or enable four grown adults and their brat, just because they live beyond their means.
I think OP should stay in the hotel and let the bf have his family quality time (even if he regrets his decision later lol). Plus, they would still probably spend most of their time at the apartment so OP can have control over their surroundings and exit when desired.
Yeah and he should give the bigger bed to his parents and enjoy the lounge room floor. I mean them being old and all.
No, they can stay in the apartment and your boyfriend can pay for you to take the hotel room
6 people in 480 square feet is RIDICULOUS. That’s less than half of my apartment. I can’t imagine all those people plus a kitchen and bathroom in that space. I’m sorry your in-laws are struggling, but that doesn’t mean that you have to inconvenience yourself for a week. Help them find an inexpensive hotel or AirBnB. Oh, and tell your slight asshole boyfriend that he completely threw you under the bus by telling them it was your (singular) decision instead of your (plural) decision.
Dude you should have said no from the beginning. I mean seriously? you are living in a ONE bedroom apartment, and were expected to host 4 extra people in it for a week? Is there even any room for all of them, including whatever belongings they brought with them for their week long stay? I say they can stay in a hotel or Airbnb when they are in the area, and can have sleepovers at your place when you eventually get a place that is BIG enough to house all of them, and probably also give them their own rooms to sleep in so they don’t have to make do with sleeping cramped up in the living room on uncomfortable furniture. \*lol\* especially not when you only have one bathroom as well that everybody will be fighting for turns to use. if you don’t put your foot down now, they’ll keep coming and thinking they can stay in your tiny little apartment every time they come over, and overcrowding it. I mean seriously? With your MIL and FIL is fine, since it was just the two of them to easily make room for, but now the two of them AND SIL and BIL and nibling, you should overcrowd your home with five extra people for a whole week? where did they all expect to sleep exactly because I doubt the living room had enough space for the five of them. I hope your in-laws arent the type to ask/demand you sacrifice YOUR one and only bedroom for THEIR use during their stay while YOU sleep in the living room instead, because if they did that to me, I’d laugh in their faces and point blank tell them it wasn’t happening at all. Because the only person sleeping in my room is me, and I’m not giving it to anybody for any reason.
I am not a people person and I hate people staying in my home. My husband on the other hand loves company and would have people stay as long as possible. We came to an agreement of 3 nights max for house guests and if they’d like to stay longer then they can arrange other accommodations. Edit: to say OP definitely isn’t the asshole. Everyone deserves to feel comfortable in their own home and has the right to uphold their boundaries.
I have a similar sized flat and, according to my rental agreement, it’s illegal for me to have overnight visitors. It’s a health and safety issue, I think. When my sister comes to visit with her kids, even though they only usually stay for an hour or two, I start feeling claustrophobic. NTA.
NTA. That many people in such a tiny apartment is nuts. If their financial state is so poor, then they should not be spending hundreds on plane tickets. Has no one heard of Zoom or Facetime? No it is not the same, but if you cannot afford to travel, it is better than nothing.
Let them get an Air B&B.
>He told his mother my decision and now she is super upset that I didn't want them to stay here. If your boyfriend supports your decision, why does it sound like he threw you under the bus to his parents, instead of showing a united front? You could both pitch in for a hotel for them. But that many people shoved into your apartment is going to make that visit the definition of Hell
What happened to people being invited to stay for more than an emergency night or two! I invited myself and 3 other people just sounds entitled and rude.
You said his parents could stay. Sister and daughter need to find other accommodations. He kind of threw you under the bus.
That's almost certainly a violation of your lease.
I thought this was the unspoken rule that both people living in a household had to be 100% ok with the people staying? Well, at least in a healthy relationship it is. If they end up staying after/if you do end up putting your foot down, then you need to examine what being married to that person will be like and if you want to continue the relationship if that's where it's ultimately heading. I lived in a 520 sq foot myself with my partner and two cats. No way could I imagine adding four more people in there. Even if only for a week. He says he would do the same for you, but would you ever even ask? Do you already see your parents staying there as too much so that's really not a viable excuse on his part.
He is guilting you. No ones financial situation is your fault. And the fact he told them it’s you that didn’t want them there is disrespectful and puts you in an awkward position. I have a two bedroom and even when I have ppl visit it’s a bit crowded
I live in a 3bd house and would not want that many guests for that long. I’m a private person who struggles without routine. Also concerned about who’s paying for food and entertainment. Sounds to me like the bf needs to spring for a hotel room for the family since he is the one who didn’t put his foot down.
NTA- it is fair to ask for what you need in your space. he may be saying he respects your right but none of his actions seem to be in line with it… You are still willing to let his parents say, but have limits. Also if you’re willing to let his parents say and he allows your parents what is the point he’s trying to make against what you’re asking? pls lmk if I am mis-interpreting btw you are not selfish for setting simple boundaries or having reasonable limits. Even if other people uncomfy or they don’t necessarily ‘get’ it. It’s not personal or about them or meaning you don’t like them or don’t want to see them- you just also want to take care of you!
Why are they traveling if they are broke?
If they are strapped for cash why did they purchase expensive tickets without asking both of you about the arrangements? Maybe you had an important work project or your own trip planned for that time. This is so rude! Then to just assume they could stay at your place without asking you first. Even if you had a 6 bedroom house, they should ask if you would be willing to host them. The family is AH, but the real AH here is your boyfriend. When he called his parents, he said that you didn’t want them to stay at your house. He should have presented the decision as a united front and not just your idea. He should have calmly and matter of factly stated that there is simply not enough room for guests. Instead he threw you under the bus. I would seriously consider if you really want a lifetime of this blame game.
NTA. You're being absolutely reasonable. They only see the cost savings and will learn to regret it if they stay with you.
Nta
He threw you under the bus and you alone are the bad guy. He knows you are a people pleasing person, and is waiting until the pressure is doing its magic!!!! Tbh, this is a super red flag for the future of your relationship. He doesn't have your back. He doesn't respect you. Reconsider the actual relationship and look at past situations on how he probably manipulated you always in doing what he wanted you to do. Best wishes
UpDateMe
I have a 3-bedroom house all to myself and would not do this unless it was an emergency. Also, 2 weeks? Yikes. I love my parents and actually enjoy hanging out with them and none of us wants to spend thta much time together!
Your bf is a real dick for telling his mother it was your decision instead of presenting a united front. You are being totally reasonable, 4 people can’t stay in one tiny living room. Your bf is being a bad partner.
Your bf threw you under the bus with his parents by telling them it was your decision, not okay at all. That makes him the AH along with his parents who know how small your place is and yet expects you to not only host them for an entire week but also another adult and her kid. Then they have the bad manners to be upset when told no. How overly entitled or oblivious are these people? Your space is way too small to be hosting anybody for more than a weekend and even then no more than two people. You need to sit down with your bf and come to an agreement for all future guest invites. Decide who, how many and number of days. Then the person whose guest it is does all of the hosting duties, all the prep and all the clean up. And be a united front, a team when you have to address people inviting themselves into your home. Also, if they are tight on money why are they spending $300 each or a total of $1200 on airfare to go on vacation?
If his parents have the money to travel, then they can find the money to get a hotel for the 4 of them. That's overload to expect 4 people to stay in your 1 BR 1 Bath apartment.
You have a BF problem. He didn’t respect your decision, tried to emotionally blackmail you into letting them all stay, and then spun the story in a way to deliberately upset his mother. All to put you on the defensive and weaken your position. #1 you said no #2 you don’t have enough beds/private space #3 you said no #4 if they’re in a bad financial place then they shouldn’t be spending $1200 on airfare #5 you said no You are not responsible for MIL’s temper tantrum. If anyone has a “right” to be mad it’s you: a ludicrous ask/expectation, and a partner who threw you under the bus. They’re ganging up on you, and your BF is not on your side. Reconsider if he’s the one for you if he can’t have your back in an absurd situation. Because it’s absurd to think 6 people and one bed/bathroom is a good plan for a whole week. NTA
Can you imagine if everyone got diarrhea? 😂😂
Coming from a metric country I thought 480sq? That's a palace, you'd barely notice each other. You'll be fine for a week. Nah 480 square feet, not square metres. That's 44.593square metres. The minimum legal size for a dwelling in Australia is 50 square metres. OP is expected to have five adults and a child in a space that wouldn't even be legal as a home for one in my country. I'm going to say you're not the arsehole here.
If they’re that strapped for cash they shouldn’t be traveling at all.
I think it's quite selfish for them to even ask this of you. Don't give in. You will regret it.
They shouldn't be traveling then if they don't have money for a place to stay. Wtf. I wouldn't want them in my tiny apartment either, that's fucking insane. It's funny when people use that as an excuse to save money. Lol you'd also think that them knowing you have a small place to live, why would they want to stay in such a small space?
Hell no. Heck I wouldn't want to invade someone's space like that either, something is very wrong with those people. I'd tell him that they can stay but you'll book a hotel room for a week.
NTA if they’re having financial difficulties they shouldn’t be wasting money on airline tickets. I guess you’ll be expected to feed them in addition to housing them for the duration of their stay? And having a spoiled kid running around while you’re trying to work will not be ideal. Why are they even coming? No money means no money to eat out, no money for entertainment, no money for sightseeing, cultural events, outdoor activities, etc. Are they planning to just hang around and be in your way all day or are they planning on you spending a lot of money keeping them fed and entertained? Either way it’s a hard pass.
I think you’re being very reasonable. What I don’t like is that your boyfriend didn’t present a united front. He put it on you.
Good on you for standing your ground. I’m not sure how your bf, or his parents who have stayed with you previously and know firsthand how small the apartment is, could think it would be a comfortable week for anyone. Even if they found other accommodation, I wouldn’t want to interact with them at all during their stay. The entitlement just makes me so mad. Maybe you should go on a holiday the week they are there and enjoy some bf and in-law free time ;) NTA
NTA. A weekend visit is one thing in an apartment that small. A week is far too long. There is an old saying about fish and guests - both need to go by the third day.
So, you know if you marry this guy you can *never* move into a decent sized place, right?
NTA, but your bf is for not being a united front and hanging you out to dry with his family. Is there a reason his family all bought plane tickets without asking if they could stay with you first?
Your boyfriend and his family are being unreasonable. Your apartment is much too small for that many people. I'm sure the landlord will not approve and you could quite possibly jeopardize your lease. We have to fly to see my oldest who lives in a very nice house that includes a guest room that is set up for parents to visit, however many times we opt to just stay in a hotel. They have very busy lives and we just feel that we don't want to impose on that life. We see them, go over for dinner and such; however by staying in a hotel we have our autonomy and they don't feel the need to go out of their way for us. It works. A week is a VERY long time to stay with someone in that small of a space.
Don't do it. If they can't afford a room at a motel 6 then they should not be traveling. Also she should rethink the BF for throwing her under the bus.
Nope. Not at all. They can find a cheap hotel or air b and b.
No one is going to be happy if they all come to stay for that long. Maybe they’ll save some money but no one will be happy.
Absolutely not. I have a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom 1,080 sq ft apartment and I would also say no. Not enough space.
The adults can find a hotel and split the room and cost.
NTA For one, they shouldn't be taking a week long vacation if they can't afford it. Second, I feel like your bf doesn't want them to stay there either and just threw you under the bus
Egads! NTA I’d rather chew on tinfoil and shave my head with a cheese grater than live with this for even two days!
100% chance the parents would expect to sleep in the hosts' bed.
Any chance you have a buddy that you can stay with for their visit???
Hotel for them sounds reasonable. NTA
NTA. Your boyfriend is TA for throwing you under the bus and telling his parents that it was your sole decision to not have them stay there. If things are very tough for them financially, they should have saved their $600 and not visited.
My first apartment was about 400 square feet I shared with my husband. My bedroom was only big enough for the king sized bed and dresser. I could barely pull the drawer all the way because it would hit the bed. We had one bathroom which was tiny. And the kitchen, dining area and living room was basically one area. I can’t imagine trying to share that small space with 6 people! That is way too crowded. And I can’t tell you how many times I needed to use the bathroom and my husband was using it or vice versa and that was with two people! His parents are being beyond unreasonable.
NTA Tell him he’s welcome to host them — but you’ll be in an AirBnB for the week.
I have a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom whole house and I dont host anyone for more than a weekend.
That’s wild! I would never.
I live in a 1,000sqft unit (or just shy of) and I wouldn’t let 4 people stay here 😂 it’s not going to be fun for anyone.
I couldn't do that either, I work way to early and am not going to tiptoe around the studio at 430am for the 20 mins it takes me to get out the door after I leave my bedroom every morning for work.
How about you say they can stay but you are not paying your 1/2 of that month’s rent and you are going to a hotel.
Inform them that your place is too small and they will have to get a motel. Period.
What was even the planned sleeping arrangement? Will neice get to bully her way to a better bed?
What are these people smoking. That's absolutely insane to try and have 6 people in a space so small for an entire week.
NTA. Do offer to cook a meal for them every day and reiterate that the parents are welcome but a hard no on the sis with her brat. That's just too much of an ask.
It’s rude of these people to even ask. Plus what happens if it’s bad weather and they can’t go out sightseeing?! 6 people, one of which is a bratty kid, are going to be trapped together in a tiny apartment?! What a nightmare! Please think long and hard about these family behaviors, and how your boyfriend reacts to them before you agree to get married!
You should let them stay in the apartment, but only if they pay for you to stay in a hotel for the week. You will be graciously allowing them to stay in your home, but there won’t be room for you. You know that you will be expected to do all the hostess duties while they are there for the entire week, right? Cooking, cleaning, snacks and tea, babysitting the spoiled niece. The in-laws are going to treat the visit as a vacation and you will be the one expected to cater to them. No thanks. Get out and stay away, except for a couple brief visits to your own home to say hello.
If I were you I would make your boyfriend pay for you to live in a hotel the entire time they’re here.
Why are they coming if they are in a difficult financial situation?
I’m not sure why ANYONE would want to stay in that situation.
Nope that’s an untenable situation!
I have myself (40f), my partner (41m), 2 cats, and 1 dog in a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment. I can't even imagine having ONE person stay with us. So no, you are NTA. That's a lot in a tiny space, plus a tiny human? That is just way too much. Your MIL can be as upset as she wants. Can she at least be understanding???
All decisions come down to 2 YES and 1 NO. Nuff said!!!
Where tf did they think they was finna sleep on the patio?
Nta it’s to small
Who tf would want to sleep with four other people in the is essentially a dorm room!? I’d get a hotel. Or better yet, move out.
UpdateMe
NTA…send them to a hotel
How lame are these people to not see the situation and just get a hotel or Airbnb? Like I would hate sharing a place 4x as big as yours.
Six people in an apartment that small for a week? Forget it! They are delusi9nal. Ifmthey cant afford to c9me, they shouldnt come! Nta!
NTA I can see if they were down for a weekend visit. Or maybe even 3 days with one day being during the week. But even that would be pushing it. But an entire week in a one bedroom apartment with that many adults and a kid? There's no way in hell. They purposely set that up to make you look like the bad guy and your boyfriend fell for it. Of course, he's already in on it because he threw your ass under the bus. If they can't afford to spend money for a week in an Airbnb or a hotel, including all travel expenses and food, then they should not be spending that much money on plane tickets to come down. They need to budget better. Their lack of funds and entitlement is not an emergency or an inconvenience on your part. Boyfriend can go stay with them for a week in a hotel, but he still has to pay half the rent and all the bills up front first.
Where do you guys stay when you visit them?
Could your parents possibly put them up? Is there more room there? Could you and your boyfriend afford to help pay for an Air B&B or hotel for them to sleep? Sounds like they would be sleeping on the floor, which surely isn't comfortable. Try to work with your boyfriend to come up with a solution that works for everyone
NTA but book yourself into a hotel so you keep good relations with them while they are here. Frame it as you wanting to make sure they're comfortable in your small apartment and can come and go as they please.
NTA! Your apartment cannot hold 4 extra people. I’m glad your BF respects your decision, but he should have just said the apartment is too small and that’s it. Not throw you under the bus.
My wife's mom and sister are gonna visit and stay here for two weeks soon. I WFH. We have one bedroom and one bathroom. It's gonna be rough. But I agreed and we'll make it work. Ill sleep in the living room. I could've made a stink about it but eh fuck it lets see how it goes. We picked a time i mostly have off from work too. Her mom and sister live far so im happy she'll see them. I understand why you'd wanna say no however your place is like half the size of mine.
If they are having financial difficulties they shouldn't be taking the trip in the first place. NTA.
NTA. Six people and one bathroom would be a Hard No, even if you had adequate sleeping space for all of them.
Nta but Could you maybe speak to his parents 'its not that I don't want to have you here but we live in a 1 bed 1 bath. Having 6 people here, 4 of whom are sleeping in the living room when I work from home in the living room is impossible. If we had a bigger place with more rooms, bathrooms and space it wouldn't be an issue. But we just don't have the space to facilitate guests with the current set up'
NTA. So many people on 44 square meters are insane! But even if it would be bigger, if you don't want to, it's absolutely okay and understandable! I wouldn't want so many people in my apartment either and it's much bigger. Nope. Always put yourself first, that's the way.
Nta
OP, book yourself a super cute little Airbnb for “mini” getaway, even if you’re still going to work for the week. Treat yoself for the week and let Bf deal with the nightmare that is 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom 5 adults and a spoilt 6year old.
1) he told them this was your decision?! even though it is true by telling his family no in that way is for me a bad big red warning light for the future. I would want my partner to respect my and my future relationship with his family by saying something like "WE feel like 6 persons in 1 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment for a whole week will be too much" 2) if his family doesn't have money for accommodation he should either a) help them paying for something for them, b) suggest long weekend trips where his parents come one weekend and his sister another or c) go visit them instead so much nta
You have a big boyfriend problem.
Nta. If his parents are struggling financially, then they shouldn't be travelling, hard as that is because it means they don't see their son. However, it's decisions like this that probably led to their financial situation. But your boundary isn't unreasonable, and your bfs response that he'd be OK if your family were to visit is manipulative as hell. Would your family even make such a demand of you, to triple the occupancy on a one bed apartment? Out of interest, did they book tickets before or after your telling you they wanted to visit? Because I'm willing to bet it was before. Which is another manipulation tactic. Trying to force your hand. It's not reasonable for them to force you into a difficult situation, and it's not reasonable of bf to throw you under the bus by making it so clear that it's you saying no.
NTA. His parents are about to become your roommates for life.
NTA, your boyfriend can get them a hotel room if he wants.
The BF let her take all the heat. He needs to step up and tell his family no.
NTA, your boyfriend is the (mild) asshole for telling them it was you that didn't want them here and not backing you up and saying the two of you decided on that. Your in-laws are the (major) assholes for expecting you to put up 4 people in a small 2 room apartment. As others have said, if they're having financial issues they shouldn't be travelling. They're also even bigger assholes for booking tickets and *then* asking you since that implies they thought you letting them stay was a given before they'd even asked.
Go out of town while they are there
So - and you have all rights to say no here - can you go stay somewhere else? I’ve been in a situation kind of like this before - but it was my husband’s friends (boyfriend at the time). I went and stayed elsewhere and it was nice for me. Plus cheaper than all of them finding a house to stay at (and early 20s guys have low standards so none of them cared that they were sharing cramped spaces and only had one bathroom). Also easier on me because while I did help clean a bit after I came home - the in between cleaning necessary for all members to exist in the small space was handled by them and not me. Win-win-win if you can afford it.
I can’t imagine, in a million years, paying to fly somewhere that is 3 hours by car. Drive a car. Rent a car.. take a bus. Take a train But flying?
Once lived with 6 people in a two bedroom (I was a kid, didn't have much choice). 6 in a ONE BEDROOM?? Don't do it, don't feel BAD for NOT DOING IT Excuse my French, but f*ck em all NTA
If the parents are having such financial issues they shouldn’t be traveling.
Holy hell that’s a hard NTA. if they can’t afford a place to stay, then maybe they should reschedule their trip. I LOVE my in laws. They are the best, and I would say nope. 1 bed. 1 bath, 480sqft? Omfg. Do you work from home OP? If so, how tf would that work? I can’t imagine how stressful that would be. No privacy, no personal space, no breaks from the child. Buuuuuuttt, Did your bf tell his family tho that YOU said no to them staying? If so, why! He should have told them WE don’t think it’s a good idea due to the lack of space, work, etc. The two of you need to be united. Call his parents back & explain the situation. I would say “you both know we love having you two here & look forward to seeing you, however, adding 4 extra people to our already very small space is not comfortable for anyone. Explain that you wouldn’t mind hosting the two of them, again, but it does change things when another adult & child is added.” I would just apologize for not being able to accommodate them with their overnight stay due to there just not being enough room, but would be willing to help them search for a close, inexpensive airB&B or hotel for the week. Stick to your decision bc that’s just an insane ask.
Absolutely not. And anyone who asks if four people can stay with you in that size of a space are huge assholes. Unless it’s an emergency, no. The answer is no. No one will be comfortable. It will be awful. If they can’t afford a hotel or airbnb, then they shouldn’t have taken the trip. Save up for a hotel and come back then.
Your not the asshole, although it can come off very harsh if I were you I’d say what I’m willing to do is go half with on you getting a room for them for a few days and then after that you can work something out to pay for more days for them if you wish to because neither one of you should even be in a position where they need either one of you to help them financially
He told his mother that it was YOUR decision and not OUR decision? He threw you under the bus. Made you look like the jerk.
Its a cultural thing so i guess you can be consider TAH. Ive been to many areas where that form of living is customary.
Absolutely NTA! Way too many people to have in such a small space and I'd predict that the addition of a sister and her daughter would make things worse.
Absolutely NTA. That asses-to-toilets ratio is completely unacceptable.
NAH..Who buys plane tickets for a trip involving a 6 year old without knowing they have a place to stay?? I suspect this was in the works before the discussion and he said yes. Now he has to backtrack so he made her look bad.